[ Birds Chirping ]
By the age of 17, a person should have adopted the three guiding principles of his life.
One is sexual,
one ethical, and the third,
optional depending on the circumstances.
My choice: no camping.
Nobody really great ever slept in dirt.
You ever see a picture of Da Vinci pitching a tent? No.
How about Einstein nibbling trail mix?
No.
Let's take a look at the really great campers.
Genghis Khan. A lifetime under the stars.
Mu'ammar Gadhafi, perhaps the world's greatest camper.
Mr. and Mrs. Marcos. Well, they recently took it up.
She likes the boots.
For 14 years, I had ducked all kinds of camps-- soccer, sailing, tennis,
computer, even chess.
Till this guy showed up.
My intellectual and sexual powers were just starting to climb,
and my father wanted me to go to the woods with a bunch of boys?
I'm supposed to do all this with a guy who doesn't know he's supposed to take a cab?
And there was Jenny.
Her parents were goin' away in July, and she was gonna be home alone.
But I leave for six weeks of Rambo training,
and Fred Bernstein'll be in there in one second.
I become a man, and he gets the girl.
What an asshole. Stay cool, Alan. Panic now,
and it's summer in the Sierras with Robin Hood here and his merry men.
[ Man ] It's his first. It's a beautiful fish.
[ Slide Projector Shuttering ] That's his second day in Red Bluff.
We camped here. [ Woman ] Beautiful!
[ Man #2 ] It's wilderness, honey. That's the real thing.
- [ Man #2 Laughing ] - [ Man #1 ] Tim caught this one.
It was his first. Beautiful fish.
That's his second day in Red Bluff, and we're heading upriver.
We camped here. There's no sign of man for miles.
It's just birds, animals, fish, a lot of silence.
What if one of the children gets sick, like something serious?
- That's what I'm there for. - Oh.
That's Devils' Tooth. We climbed the face. There.
- [ Woman ] Awfully dangerous. - [ Boy Narrates ] Good call.
- Here we are, homeward bound. - Jesus, you really do make men out of these boys, don't you?
Well, I think they make men out of themselves. That's it.
[ Boy Narrates ] Oh, shit. This guy is slick, maybe too slick.
We're making a big mistake. He doesn't want to go. Look at his face.
- Alan, what do you say? - Well, I liked the pictures.
God, when I was a kid, I was lucky if we got to "Y" camp in Jersey.
It is awfully far. I think city kids need a time of isolation, of quiet.
Yeah. Yeah, see, I think that's the point. Alan, it sounds great, doesn't it?
- Last week, you wanted me to go to computer camp. - [ Sighs ]
The thing is, Alan is not exactly the outdoor type.
What do you think about that? I think that's right.
And I think next year, when he's a little older. [ Alan Narrates ] Come on, Mom.
You're my last line of defense. Tell 'em I'm too young,
scared of heights, allergic to open spaces.
Yeah. Yeah, that's the ticket.
What do you say? Sounds like fun, doesn't it? I'll tell you something else.
I wish my dad had done this for me when I was a kid.
We run three groups in late summer. There's an opening in the third group if you want.
- I don't exactly like big bunches of kids. - I know what you mean.
- I was an only child myself. - You were?
Yeah. I can't believe how much you guys have in common.
- I don't know about that. - [ Man ] There's only one way to find out.
- Besides, it's not a big bunch. There's only five of us. - You said four kids.
Yeah. I'm five. [ Alan Narrates ] The moment of truth.
To pull this one off, I gotta be firm.
Absolutely not. No indecision. I will not go.
Come on. How about it?
I'm not sure. I mean, I don't know.
[ Alan Narrates ] So I lied.
[ Man ] ♪ Here I am ♪
♪ I'm in a gaseous haze
♪ Ten lanes and tall boys ♪
♪ Callin' for the way ♪
♪ Eldorado ridin' on the bridge ♪
♪ Aztec princess ♪
♪ Take revenge ♪
♪ Take me all the way back ♪
♪ To the wild frontier ♪
♪ Counting the miles ♪
♪ To seein' her smile in the wild frontier ♪
Where'd you get the knife? My dad bought it for me.
I think I'm supposed to skin a bear with it or something.
- Pretty neat. - Yeah. Kinda is, huh?
Hey. Hey, cut it out, George! Let me see that.
I just wanted to see it.
Just what we need-- another dickface.
Major asshole.
♪ Take me all the way back ♪
♪ To the wild frontier ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Where I'm counting the miles ♪
♪ To seein' her smile ♪
♪ In the wild frontier ♪
Hey!
♪ Take me all the way back ♪
♪ To the wild frontier ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪ ♪ Countin' the miles ♪
♪ To seein' her smile in the wild ♪
[ Man ] Your part goes like this:
♪ You can't run, you can't hide You can't run you can't hide ♪
[ Boys ] ♪ You can't run, can't hide ♪ [ Man ] Whoa. Wait, wait.
Wait till I point to you. Wait till I point to you. Ready?
♪ Now if it's love that you're runnin' from ♪
♪ There's no hiding place ♪ ♪ You can't run You can't hide ♪
♪ You can't run You can't hide ♪ ♪ Love has problems, I know ♪
♪ But those problems we just have to face ♪
[ Boys ] ♪ You can't run, you can't hide You can't run ♪
♪ You can't hide ♪ ♪ Now, if you just put your hand in mine ♪
♪ We're gonna leave all our troubles behind ♪
- ♪ Keep on walkin' don't look back ♪ - ♪ Don't look back ♪
♪ Now if your first lover broke your heart ♪
♪ There's something can be done ♪
♪ You can't run, you can't hide You can't run You can't hide ♪
♪ Don't you lose your faith in love just because of what he's done ♪
♪ You can't run, you can't hide You can't run You can't hide ♪
♪ Now if you'll just put your hand in mine ♪
♪ We're gonna leave all our troubles behind ♪
♪ Keep on walkin' Don't look back ♪
- [ Boys ] ♪ Don't look back ♪ - ♪ Keep on walkin' ♪
♪ Don't look back ♪ ♪ Don't look back ♪
♪ Keep on walkin' Don't look back ♪ ♪ Don't look back ♪
Bullshit. He is too.
Vic, aren't you gonna catch a trout with your bare hands? Tell him.
Yeah. Yeah, that's a Modoc thing.
I'll show you how to do it when we get up to the Feather River. Told ya.
Alan, what the hell are you doing?
This is the part where we eat, right?
You're gonna cut your tongue off, asshole. I can handle it.
Let me see it. Turn it around.
It's a West Horn.
One of the counselors had one of these where I went last summer.
Showed us how you could really put an edge on it.
Better be careful with that, kid. One false move, you cut your own balls off.
I'll try to stay alert.
Watch out. Let a real man take care of business for a second.
You're never gonna get through it in one shot.
[ Boy #1 Grunts ] [ Boy #2 ] Wrong. Ha. When do we eat?
[ Boy #1 ] As soon as Alan gets back with the water. Great. We'll starve.
- Alan. - Hiya, Vic.
- We're waitin' for the water. - Oh, shit.
- Any time now, huh? - Yeah.
Dumb. Dumb.
[ Groans ]
[ Bird Screeching ]
- [ Boy Screams, Laughs ] - [ Alan Screams ] You dumb shit.
That scared the shit out of you! It did not.
[ Laughing Hysterically ] Come on, dickface. Wait up.
Yeah! All right!
- [ Boy #1 ] Yeah! That's way cool. - [ Boy #2 ] Way to go!
I wanna try that, Vic. All right.
Check it out. [ Sighs ] That's the way we make the first fire.
- From now on, we use kitchen matches. - [ All Laughing ]
Look. Can you see up there?
We're under the sign of Otagawa.
Those four stars, they're his hands and feet.
And the three in the middle there-- that's his belt with his stone knife.
That's Orion. Shut up. What the hell do you know?
Alan's right. That constellation was called Orion by the Greeks,
but up here, he was Otagawa, the hunter.
See, he hunted... not to eat,
but to destroy.
He was an enemy-- enemy of the land...
and of the trees.
He killed his brother, the rabbit and the deer.
So the manitou punished him, flung him up in the stars,
to stay up there forever alone.
Chris, get the lantern.
- Chris? - You could take his knife away.
Take my knife away? George?
That's fair. Mitch?
Well, you could give it back to him after a while.
- Alan? - You gotta say somethin'.
It's fair, right? I mean, you gotta say it's fair.
Do you think it's fair, Alan?
[ Unsheathing Knife ]
[ Radio: News Announcer Speaking, Indistinct ]
Chris, come here.
Ohh. Can you believe that?
No. [ Both Chuckling ]
That's incredible. I don't understand how they do that.
[ Vic ] Okay, guys. Let's go. [ Chris ] See you later.
[ Exhales ] [ Cash Register Ringing ]
How you doin'? It's, uh, three dollars.
It's a good month. They got twins.
Okay, guys. This is it. We're leavin' the van and heading out on foot.
If there's anything else you need, get it now.
[ Man ] ♪ About this time of evenin' ♪
♪ Out by the bay Turn the road lights on the bridge ♪
♪ Well, a diesel rolls in silhouette eastbound ♪
♪ Lovers glad the sun has set ♪
♪ I'm starin' into the twilight ♪
♪ Wishin' I could find someone tonight ♪
♪ I know she's out there somewhere ♪
♪ On the western skyline ♪
♪ Hi, whoa-whoa ♪ [ Vic ] Come on, guys. Hang in there.
When we get to the falls, I'll show you how those Modoc kids used to catch fish.
[ Birds Calling ]
- Yeah! Whoo! - Whoa!
There you go. Piece of cake.
Hey, guys, let's go! George,
last one across puts up the tent.
[ Radio: Announcer Calling Ball Game ] All right!
All right! Yeah! Cool it, asshole. It's not over till it's over.
[ Announcer ] Nice play by Carter.
Whoo! [ Chuckles ]
Tent's all yours, bud. Fat chance. I won.
Come on! Come on! [ Announcer ] Line drive!
You can do it! Come on! [ Announcer ] Can't get to it!
[ Vic ] What are you doin'? It's just the Mets game. They're playin' San Francisco.
- We've let all that go, now, haven't we? - It's the top of the ninth.
- Two more outs, and then we'll let go, okay? - Now!
What are you doin'?
Did you ever notice that people in authority don't say what they mean?
Take Vic. I carve my initials in a tree.
So I made a mistake. Does Vic say, "Don't carve your initials in the tree"?
No. He says, "Over there's Otagawa.
"They flung him into the sky. He's an enemy of the land.
I think we'll take Alan's knife."
Now I'm listenin' to the ball game.
Vic wants to say, "Don't listen to the radio."
Instead, he says, "We've let all that go, now, haven't we?"
Obviously I hadn't.
[ Chris ] So I go upstairs to take a piss, right?
And I look in the medicine cabinet, and there's this little, round plastic box...
with numbers all around it-- you know, the Pill.
[ George ] What pill? [ Mitch ] The Pill, stupid.
[ Chris ] So I opened it up, and I replaced every other one with something else.
[ George ] What? What? [ Chris ] I don't know. Vitamin "C" or something.
[ Mitch ] Bullshit. [ George ] Listen to this.
She says she's a Leo and likes long walks in the woods and young--
[ Chris ] Let me see again. [ George ] What are you? A pervert?
How many times you gotta see it? [ Mitch ] I got it next.
[ George ] Who paid for it? [ Chris ] Will you just give it to me?
Alan? Yeah?
Didn't you say you liked to play chess? Mm-hmm.
How about a game? Now?ut here?
I got a travel board. Okay.
All right.
Check.
Check this out. Shut up.
Fine.
- Damn. I took my hand off. Now I can't move it. - It's okay.
No. Play by the rules.
That's mate. Nah.
Yeah. Checkmate. My bishop, my rook, my queen.
- What happened? Dickface win? - Yeah. Dickface won.
[ Chess Pieces Clinking ]
It's not a bad run. You just have to remember everything I told you, okay?
Keep your center of gravity low. Now, two of us are gonna take the canoe down,
and the rest of you are gonna backpack the sleeping bags and stuff.
All right. I'm gonna be in the stern, but I need a good bow man.
Alan, put your helmet on.
What? Me? Why him? I thought I'd be the one.
- What do I have to do? - Just do your best.
[ Water Roaring ] Vic?
[ Man ] ♪ I hear the tribal cry up the alleyway ♪
♪ Tribal ♪
♪ Echo out across the night ♪ Keep paddling, Alan. Pull, pull!
Vic, I lost my paddle! It's all right.
♪ I'm out of sight and out of mind ♪
[ Vic ] Okay. Here we go! Here we go!
Whoo! ♪ The man with all the answers ♪
♪ Never turnin' back ♪ ♪ Up against the wall ♪
♪ [ Continues Indistinct ]
[ Alan ] Oh, jeez! You'd better look out!
♪ One hotshot who wants control of the free world ♪
♪ And the winner takes it all ♪
[ Mitch ] It's psychology. Vic thinks he needs special attention.
[ Chris ] I think it sucks. [ George ] This is classic. We carry the goddamn thing,
and look who gets to ride in it.
♪ [ Continues Indistinct ]
♪ Hotshot, rarin' to go ♪ [ Vic Talking, Indistinct ]
♪ Fire and flames ♪
♪ Hotshot, rarin' to go ♪
♪ He's a smooth operator ♪ ♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]
♪ One shot to lose control ♪
♪ [ Fades Out ]
[ Laughing ] Whoo, hoo-hoo-hoo! [ Gargling ]
Hell of a ride, huh? Whoo!
[ Panting ] What's wrong? Don't worry about the paddle.
You tried to scare me. What?
- You were trying to scare me! - [ Continues Panting ]
Hey, Alan, it's me.
[ Man ] ♪ I know she's out there somewhere ♪
♪ Somewhere ♪ ♪ On the western skyline ♪
♪ Told me we might say a prayer ♪
♪ Say a prayer ♪
♪ On the western skyline ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this? What is this?
Nobody said, "Take five." [ Chris ] Jesus, Vic.
Come on, fellas. Hoist that puppy. Let's go. [ All Chattering ]
[ George ] You lift too, Chris. One, two--
[ Vic ] There you go. Light as a feather.
♪ I know she's out there somewhere ♪
♪ On the western skyline ♪
♪ Told me we might say a prayer ♪
♪ Say a prayer ♪
♪ On the western skyline ♪ [ George ] Easy.
[ All Grunting ] [ Mitch ] Finally!
Don't get too comfortable, guys. Campsite's about a half a mile...
on the other side of this gorge.
[ George ] Oh, no.
[ River Rushing Below ]
- Jesus. - Whoo-hoo-hoo! This is somethin', huh?
[ Scoffs ]
Vic, how are we gonna get the canoe to the other side?
We're gonna leave it here till tomorrow, unless you wanna carry it across.
Alan! Maybe we lucked out, and he's lost.
Why don't you give him a break? Up yours.
Hey, Alan!
What's goin' on back there?
Alan! Just the unique challenge of the great outdoors!
Shit.
Whoa! [ Stick Splashing ]
Must be 200 feet. 300.
Made it. [ Chuckles ] Not yet, you didn't.
See ya. [ Vic ] Let's go!
All right, guys. Listen up. Listen up.
The first thing you gotta remember is always keep one hand on the ropes at all times.
Never let go of the ropes. Step right in the center of the planks,
move slow and at the same pace as the guy in front of you. I'm scared.
- I don't know if I can do this, Mitch. - If the bridge starts to sway,
just push it out from you like that.
- That'll steady it. - [ Chris ] That's cool.
Fellas, do me a favor. No screwin' around out there, all right?
I gotta go to the bathroom.
I'm gonna take the lead. Come on. Let's get your helmets on. Come on.
Okay, you ready?
Here we go.
Come on, boys! Hey!
[ All Shouting, Screaming ]
- Damn it, George, cut it out! - It's all right, Vic.
You idiot!
[ Mitch ] All right! Whoo! Yeah!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! All right! Oh, yeah!
- [ Chris ] All right. - [ Mitch Whoops ]
- Alan, are you okay? - [ George ] Come on, man!
- What? Are you scared or something? Move your ass! - Come on, Alan!
If I can do it, you can! Can you do this?
Yeah, I'm all right. I can do it. I just got a pebble or something stuck in my shoe.
-It's no big deal. We can wait. -No, no. You guys go ahead. I'll find you.
[ George ] I bet you he's too scared to cross. [ Mitch ] Leave him alone.
All right, Alan! You come when you're ready. The trail's real plain. You can find it.
[ Alan ] Okay. I'll come back for you in a while if you're not there.
- Way to go, guys. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. - [ All ] Yeah! Yeah!
[ Vic ] ♪ Now, if it's love that you're running from ♪
♪ There's no hiding place ♪ ♪ You can't run You can't hide ♪
♪ You can't run You can't hide ♪ ♪ Love has problems, I know ♪
♪ But those problems you just have to face ♪
♪ You can't run You can't hide ♪
Come on, Alan. Move. Move and die.
All right. All right. I did it! All right! All right! I did it!
All right!
[ Mitch ] Hey, Chris, hurry up with that wood.
Let's go. Vic wants this tent up before he gets back.
George, where'd you put the poles? I ain't got 'em.
- Dickface, where'd you put the tent poles? - Huh?
- The poles, stupid. Where'd you put 'em? - Oh, shit.
- I guess I forgot 'em. - You forgot 'em?
I can't even believe this! Do you believe this? I can believe it.
I don't believe it. I'm sleepin' in your tent, asshole.
Come on! You know we needed those poles. Where'd you put 'em?
How could you be so stupid? Where did you leave 'em?
- Tell me where you left 'em! - Hey, Chris. Cool it.
Vic, he forgot the poles. [ All Talking At Once ]
All right, all right, all right. Alan, you left the poles behind?
- I know. It was stupid. - Where'd you leave 'em? Do you remember?
Sure. Right by the bridge. On the other side.
Well, you'll just have to go back and get 'em.
You mean now? He's too scared.
-Shut up. -You'd better get going, Alan. It's only half a mile each way.
But it's gonna get dark. It's your responsibility to go back and get those poles.
That's fair. You left 'em, right? Right.
Supper will be ready when you get back.
[ River Rushing, Distant ]
Come on.
[ Creaking, Straining ]
[ Gasping ]
[ Panting ]
[ Screams, Grunts ]
[ Grunting ]
Look out. You just knocked my onion off.
Well, keep your goddamn kabob off mine.
Hey, Alan, where the hell are the poles?
- I couldn't find 'em. I looked everywhere. - You gotta be shittin' me.
- I said I looked everywhere. - What? They walk away or something?
Jesus, Alan.
It was dark, okay?
Find yourself a stick, Alan. Get yourself something to eat.
[ Bird Squawking ]
[ Radio: Static ]
[ Radio Stations Switching: Announcers Talking, Music ]
♪ [ Continues ]
♪ [ Volume Increases ]
♪ Baby, now I see ♪
♪ Wasted years ♪
♪ Lonely tears ♪
Turn the radio off.
♪ [ Continues ]
Turn it off. ♪ [ Radio Off ]
- What did I tell you about that thing? - Guess I didn't get your point.
You didn't get the point. All right.
Here's the point. I said "no." When I say "no," I mean "no."
This is not a vacation. This is a chance for you to learn something.
We've got a couple more weeks together, and I want to get a few things straight.
There'll be no more radio, you understand? And no more lying.
What are you talking about? The tent poles, Alan.
I was there. I saw what happened.
You never crossed the bridge. You were afraid.
You saw me? You cannot lie.
You cannot lie to me.
You saw me? This is crazy.
You must be crazy.
I don't wanna hear that radio again.
[ Panting ]
Now different people have different ideas about what's dangerous and what's not.
Let me show you something. You figure it out for yourself.
This bridge is 5 feet off the ground. The real one was 182.
Now, the density of this eggshell...
relative to the drop-off of this model is comparable...
to the density of my head off the drop of the real bridge.
You're just gonna have to trust me on that. Now watch.
Uh-oh. Trouble.
I rest my case.
[ Boys Chattering, Laughing ]
[ George ] You guys are hopeless. Chris, you got your knife.
Hey, why don't you come back in here?
Shut up! Shut up, guys! Shut up!
Shut up. Yeah, right. [ Screams, Laughs ]
[ George ] You gotta use your hands. You gotta use a net. You suck.
[ Mitch ] Where did it go? Where did it go? All right.
[ All Talking At Once ]
How we do, guys? [ George ] Good. I got one, but he's big, though.
[ Chris ] He ain't that big. I got two. Check 'em out.
[ George ] Frogs. I struck out, man.
[ Laughs ] Holy shit! Look at dickface! Whoa!
All right, man! Way to go!
[ George ] Good job. Some haul, Alan. Yeah, well,
I really feel one with nature today.
Must be six or seven in there. I can't believe that.
- [ Chris ] How'd you do it? - No big deal. - [ Metal Clanking ]
[ Alan ] It's really simple. See, they swim through the chute,
the trap closes, and they can't get out.
Pretty neat, huh? I rigged it all myself.
"Neat"? No. I don't think that's neat. What do you guys think?
Hey, wait a second. Hey, I caught those. No, you didn't.
Not the right way, you didn't. Oh, you mean your way.
No! I mean the right way.
You know, you're a smart kid, Alan, but you really let me down this time.
You let yourself down.
So what do you say you clean the fish Chris and I caught before we leave?
Then we can forget about your little trick. No!
Well, I could help him. No. No. This is Alan's job.
Come here. Come here. I'll show ya. Nothin' to it.
Ohh.
All right? All you have to do is gut it.
Nothin' to it. [ Grunting ]
[ Continues Grunting ]
[ Panting ]
Now why don't you clean the rest of these, and we'll finish loadin' the canoe.
No. No way.
You'll do it, and you're gonna stay here until it's finished.
Let's go, guys.
Mitch, let's go.
Signal when you're finished, Alan. We'll come back and get you.
[ Man ] ♪ Put it down to the fightin' ♪
♪ Put it down to the fools who play in the game ♪
♪ I'm picking up something besides ♪
♪ I'm pickin' up the tired reins ♪
♪ But you better believe it ♪
♪ Oh, you better believe before it's too late ♪
♪ I'm feeling like letting go ♪
♪ I'm living in a dangerous time ♪
♪ Must have been lonely ♪
♪ It must have been cold ♪
♪ Must have been somethin' ♪
[ Vic ] Come and get it, Mitch!
♪ Life in a dangerous time ♪
[ Male Chorus Grunts ] ♪ Coming out of the shadows ♪
♪ Coming out of the darkness into the light ♪
♪ It's bright enough to show the way ♪
♪ Enough to face another day ♪
♪ It's a curious feelin' ♪
♪ It's a feeling of reaching up to the sky ♪
♪ I'll never think of letting go ♪
♪ Of living in a dangerous time ♪
♪ Must have been lonely ♪ We'll just wait for Alan's signal.
♪ Must have been cold ♪
[ Thunder Rumbling ]
♪ Life in a dangerous time ♪
♪ Must have been somethin' ♪
♪ Life in a dangerous time ♪
♪ Must have been lonely ♪
♪ Must have been cold ♪
♪ Must have been somethin' ♪
♪ Life in a dangerous time ♪
Come on, guys. Get up. Come on. Let's go.
It's morning. Come on.
It can't be. Not yet.
Come on, Mitch. [ Bird Calling ]
Come on. Let's get up. Come on. Let's go.
As soon as you're up, I want you to go over to the island and get Alan.
Us? You.
[ Groans ]
Where is he? I don't know. Come on. Let's this way.
I hope he's all right. [ Chris Scoffs ] I hope he's not dead.
Alan, where the hell are you? Say somethin'! Alan!
- I'm over here! - [ George ] Where? There he is.
[ Mitch ] Hey, Alan!
Hey. Jesus! You must have froze your balls off.
Here. My mom always stuffs 'em in my pockets. Where's the fish?
I threw 'em back. You what ?
- Why didn't you just clean the fish? - I didn't want to.
Vic's gonna be really pissed. You know that?
Come on. Let's go.
Vic? Vic!
Vic!
I don't get it. We've looked everywhere. Well, I don't know where he is.
Vic! Will you shut up?
Vic! You said you'd get the ranger station on that.
What do you think I'm tryin' to do? Well, is it too far away?
Nah, it shouldn't be. I pick up satellite transmissions at home.
- You're full of shit. - Hello?
You got batteries in it? I got power. I just can't tune anything in.
Something with the condenser. Hello? I went all the way to the bend.
I didn't see a thing.
What are we gonna do? Will you just shut up, please?
Is that all you can say? For Christ's sake, why did he leave us here?
He didn't! His pack is still here, all right?
He wouldn't go without his pack. And what if he doesn't come back for it?
I said shut up, or I'm gonna shut you up!
Who the hell elected you king shit?
Sucking around Vic all the time. You don't know what to do.
You don't know where we are.
Go ahead, wiseass. Do something!
Go to hell! [ Mitch ] Hey, cut it out!
Cool it!
Dirty mother-- Hey, come on, George!
I'm gonna kill you! Rip your face off!
George, stop!
Just get off!
[ Grunts ] Hey, Chris, cool it!
Is that thing gonna work, dickface, or isn't it?
Don't call me that, damn it. Yeah, right. Gimme that.
Hey, come on! Give it back! You want it?
Yeah, give it! You want it, dickface? I'll give it to you.
It didn't work anyways.
Move it!
[ Thunder Rumbling ]
Hey, let me in, guys!
Get in here!
Aah! This stuff tastes like shit! We should have cooked it.
Oh, right. You want to go build a fire? Go ahead, asshole.
1,001, 1,002, 1,003, 1,004-- Will you cut it out?
[ Thunderclap ]
Mile and a half! He's dead.
Shut up! What are we gonna do if he's dead?
Will you shut up already? He wouldn't leave us here. He's dead!
He didn't leave us! He's just-- he's--
1,001, 1,002, 1,003-- Jesus Christ! I said cut it out!
Hey! Shit! This thing's dripping on me. Don't touch it.
- Don't touch that! - Touch what?
Oh, no! Goddamn it!
Hey, where are we gonna go?
Where are you guys goin'? Damn it! Follow me!
Shit! Yeah. That way!
Come on! Where you guys takin' me? I don't know!
Just keep going! Slow down! Keep goin'!
I can't see anything. Neither can I.
Watch out, man! I gotta rest.
Stop! Me too.
Stop it!
Wait a minute! Look! What?
Looks like a cave or somethin'. Follow me!
Where? Where? I can't see anything!
Over here! Go!
Watch it! Hey, man, I'm soaking wet! Move over!
Shit, I found this place. You move over. Shoulda brought a flashlight.
I did. What are you saving it for-- an emergency?
There's gotta be fungus in here. Lizards, spiders--
Wait. There's somethin' wrong with the batteries!
Some of these matches might still be dry. Get 'em lit then!
What do you think I'm tryin' to do?
Christ, man, hurry! Damn! Shit!
Gimme these! We gotta get 'em lit!
Hey, George, calm down. [ Screaming ] You got 'em wet!
[ Screaming ] Stop it! Stop it!
Cut it out! [ Sobbing ]
I just wanna go home!
Just take it easy. Gimme that.
[ Birds Chirping ]
Listen, uh,
I know I kinda lost it last night.
But I'm not normally like that. I-- Hey,
it's all right.
Thanks.
Look, uh, Alan,
I'm sorry about your radio.
I'll buy you another one, all right? Forget it.
You think he'll come back? Who cares?
"Who cares"? How are we gonna get home?
The only thing I care about is that I haven't peed in two days.
[ Chuckling ] I second that.
Wait up. Right behind ya.
[ Flies Unzipping ]
Hey, bet you can't hit that log.
[ Sound Of Peeing ] Go ahead.
[ Imitates Game-Show Buzzer ] [ All Laugh ]
Now, watch this.
[ George ] Survey says... it's a dribble.
Hey, hey, make room.
For what? For Tony the trouser tuna.
[ Laughing ]
It's almost comin' out. Oh, no! Watch your shoes.
[ Peeing Continues ]
Whoo!
That's amazing! Piece of cake.
That is incredible. Nice projection!
[ Chris ] Nice arc, Alan. My friends call me "dickface."
[ Chuckling ] Dickface.
You havin' fun, fellas?
Vic! What's up? It's Vic! What's happenin'?
[ Chuckling ] Hey, all right! Where you been?
What's happenin'? Where you been?
- Oh, you know. How'd it go? How'd it go? - Where were you?
That's not important now. What's important is that you guys made it on your own.
- You survived! - Right!
Yeah! I'm proud of you guys.
- I really am, 'cause now you're ready. - Ready for what?
Devil's Tooth.
I've got a problem right about now.
I remember that Vic left us in the pouring rain.
George freaked out, and Chris-- Well, let's just say he overreacted.
So you tell me why I'm the only one not jumping up and down when our fearless leader returns.
Are we men, or are we--
[ Bleats ]
We know what Vic thought, but here's one he didn't count on.
♪ Sittin' on a mountain ♪
♪ Lookin' at the sun ♪
♪ Plastic fantastic Lobster telephone ♪
♪ Drive on, baby, Through your electric night ♪
♪ All the way, sister, ♪ In the taxi of light ♪
♪ Cookin' in the kitchen Insects on the bone ♪
♪ Hazy lazy Dream world drippin' on ♪
♪ Somthin' on the radio Drip, drip, drip all day ♪
Now we go on line. Make sure it stays locked.
Secure? [ Chris ] All right, guys.
Remember what Vic said: Keep some slack.
Hey, why don't you just worry about yourself?
Mitch, that won't cut it. We're on this line together.
♪ Drive on, baby, Through your electric night ♪
♪ All the way, sister, In the taxi of light ♪
♪ The sunshine glows But nobody knows ♪
♪ The nighttime's gone Keep driving on, yeah ♪
♪ Aphrodisiac jacket Napoleon machine gun ♪
♪ Livin' on the subway Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ From dusk till dawn ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Push, baby Push, push, push, yeah ♪
♪ Push, baby push, push, push, yeah ♪
♪ Push, baby Push, baby, yeah ♪
Jesus.
Looks like we've run out of road.
Okay, Chris, I'm gonna need your help. Sure.
Hold this.
He just changed his shoes. Now he's putting weird things in the rocks.
What do you think it means? I thinit means we're in deep shit.
- [ Vic ] On belay. - Belay on.
What's happening? Where is he? He's workin'.
- What happens if he falls?He a.
Christ, where is he? I wish I knew where he was. I don't.
All right!
Did he make it? Of course he made it.
- Okay, I'm gonna set a pivot. - Okay!
Uh, w-we don't do it that way, do we? No, we're gonna pendulum across.
What the hell is that? You'll see.
- Chris, keep me on tension. - All right.
All right! Hey, it's nice to have you back.
You got me? Here goes. Yeah.
[ George ] Damn! Jesus! [ Chris ] Whoa!
[ Mitch ] What happened? What happened? [ Alan ] I don't know.
All right, now, just keep me on belay, and I'm gonna anchor in.
Is that what you meant? Yep.
- Okay. You ready, Chris? - Ready.
Okay, now, just remember: Drop way off the rocks so you get a good swing on the rope.
- Right. Here I come. - Okay.
All right. Way to go. I did it!
George, you'll love it! It's great!
Okay, George, you're up!
- Got it. - All right!
[ Chris ] It's great! You're gonna love it!
[ Vic ] Make sure your carabiner's locked.
Put the sling over your shoulder.
Guess this is supposed to make me safe, huh? Guess so.
- Here I come. - You know what to do.
All right! Yeah, you did. I did it!
I'm scared, Mitch. Me too.
No, I'm scared Vic's gonna hurt me. Next victim!
That's you, Mitch! All right, we're rollin'!
Let's go! Nice catch, Mitch.
[ Whooping ]
[ Vic ] Same thing, Mitch. Make sure you're locked, and don't forget the sling.
You're gonna love it, Mitch! Ready.
Okay, Mitch. Get a good kick off the rock.
[ Yelling ]
- Whoa! - [ Chattering ]
All right! Hey, Alan, man, there's nothin' to it!
Really, man, honest! Nothin' to it!
It was hot, huh? [ Chattering ]
You don't have to do a thing, Alan.
- Just trust me. - Yeah, right.
Nice grab. All right.
[ Chris ] You're really gonna like it, Alan! [ George ] Move it, man!
- Okay, you ready? - Oh, Christ. Oh, God.
Alan, what's wrong? It's great, man! Do it!
Really! It's honestly great!
[ Vic ] Okay. Come on, Alan. I know you're afraid. That's nothing to be ashamed of.
- I'm not afraid. - You can do it.
I can't. I know you can.
Come on, come on! Trust yourself!
- Come on! Do it, man! - [ Vic ] Alan, there's no other way. You gotta do it.
- You gotta do it, Alan! - Do it, will ya?
- Vic... please. - Alan, do it!
- Do it! Goddamn it, do it! - Whoa, Vic!
- Vic, help! - Vic, do somethin'!
Grab somethin', Vic! Hang on, Alan!
Vic, what are you gonna do? It's all right. I got him on belay.
Yeah, but-- It's all right. I got him.
Vic, please. Pull me up, please. It's okay, Alan.
Now, just relax. Come on. It's okay. Help, Vic.
Now, can you get a foothold? Uh, no, I can't.
Try. Try. Get a foothold...
and ju push yourself off from the rock. I can't do it, Vic.
I can't do it. Try. You gotta try a little harder.
Help me, Vic. Why don't you go get him? Swing over!
No! No, not that way. Alan, I know you can do this.
- I can't! - I got you anchored. You're not gonna fall.
- Oh, Jesus, Vic. I can't do this. - You can... if you try.
For Christ's sake, Vic, I can't do it!
- Don't you understand? I can't do it! - Then that's where you'll stay.
- What? - Vic! - What do you mean?
What are you doing? You can't just leave him there. You can't just let him hang.
- Alan, we'll meet you down below. - Vic, where are you going?
He said he couldn't do it! [ All Shouting ]
Vic, the guy is scared to death! You can't leave him hanging!
- Vic, come back! You can't just leave me here! - You can't! You're crazy!
What if he falls? He could die out there!
Vic, please! Mitch. George.
Mitch. Vic! Come on.
Where you goin'? Vic!
I'm telling the truth, Vic. I'm scared. Mitch. Move it!
Don't leave without me. Please. No!
Don't leave, Mitch!
[ Vic ] Let's go!
Vic, you're not just gonna leave him there, are you? Yeah, I am.
For how long? It's up to Alan.
But, Vic, h-he's scared. He can't just--
He can... if he tries.
What if he doesn't try, huh? Come on, Vic. Can't you just get him down this once?
Well, someday I'm not gonna be there to get him down. Then what's he gonna do?
Why are you doin' this? I am not doin' anything. Alan is doin' this to himself.
Now, is that a problem for you, Chris?
Yeah, it is a problem.
I'm goin' back.
This is not acceptable behavior.
[ Gasping ] Is that clear?
[ Clears Throat ] We'll camp here for the night. Okay with you guys?
[ Grunting ]
[ Panting ]
All right. Do it.
[ Grunting ]
[ Panting ]
The way I figure it, we won't go back to the old campsite downstream.
No, we'll go north. We'll follow the great bear.
You were wrong-- what you did to Alan, Vic. He's right, man.
You must be crazy, leaving him up there. No.
Yeah. Yeah, we'll go north.
- Vic, I don't know why you're doing this, but-- - What's that?
Shh!
It's Alan! You did it! Son of a bitch.
You did it, man! Way to go, Alan! You did it!
You made it! All right! Way to go, man!
All right! Way to go! Are you all right? I don't believe it!
[ Laughing ] I knew you could-- I'm goin' home.
Wait. Well, you can't. You don't understand. Don't you see? You did great!
I knew you would. Don't you see that?
We're all together again. Come on, we did it! Yeah, I did it.
Fuck you. I could have died. He's right, man.
Alan-- Alan, you don't understand.
None of that matters now. Look at you!
Look at what you did. You made it! I-I did that for you.
I'm goin' home. Me too, Vic. You gotta take us home.
We wanna go home! What's the matter with you? You don't want to miss tomorrow.
Come on! We're goin' north! I can show you wolves up there. I can show you mountain lion--
Bye, Vic.
Alan, wait. Wait! Wait.
Where you gonna go? It's gonna get dark.
You need me, guys. You'll never get down the mountain by yourselves.
I don't care. I'm goin' home. No, you're not!
I'm responsible for you guys. We're goin' home, Vic!
[ Chuckles ] Chris--
You can't. You can't. You understand? You can't leave.
You can't leave.
Chris. Chris, what are you doin'? Go. Get outta here.
Go! Don't leave.
You can't leave. We're a team. Do you hear me?
You can't leave me.
We've been walkin' for hours. It's 'cause we've been walking in circles.
[ Bird Calls Eerily ]
It's too dark. We gotta camp.
I think I like that plan. Yeah.
Think we'll ever get outta here?
Chris? I can't believe Vic did this.
How could he? How could he do this?
[ Woman ] ♪ In the quiet of the evening ♪
♪ Where the deep blue waters run ♪
♪ Paradise is casting shadows ♪
♪ On the heart of her own son ♪
♪ Since the fatherland of Eden ♪
♪ Where we roamed cathedral woods ♪
♪ We have fought the lonely silence ♪
♪ Learned to live misunderstood ♪
Look. Yeah. ♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Paradise ♪
I told ya I'd find it.
♪ Oh, all alone in paradise ♪ [ Laughing ]
We did it. The canoe-- We actually found the canoe!
You did it, Alan! All right!
We made it! All right! Yeah! Awesome!
Let's get this mother home! All right, we're homeward bound. Yeah!
Yeah. Yeah! All right!
Yeah! All right, that's it!
This thing is over now! Nobody is going anywhere.
Vic, please, leave us alone! No!
Look, you are not leaving. Damn it, Vic, we're goin' home, all right?
No, you're not! You are not going home. I am not gonna let you.
[ Grunts ] Leave him alone!
Vic! Stop, Vic!
- Stop! - I'm gonna kill you, Vic!
- Chris! What are you doing? - Stay away from us!
- I'm gonna kill you! - Chris, stop! Stop it, Chris!
No! Let go! Give me that!
- Son of a bitch! - [ Groans ]
Jesus! Oh, my God!
[ Bone Crunches ] [ Screams ]
[ Panting, Whimpering ]
All right, good. More slack.
All right, good. Hold it.
That's good.
Put some in that pocket there. There you go, guys.
I'm tellin' ya, this is never gonna work. Yes, it will.
Shut up and get the other pack.
Okay, you got it? Okay. Get it around you!
Put the rope underneath your arms.
Come on, come on. Hurry up, you guys.
All right. Good and tight.
[ Alan ] Hurry up, Vic!
Okay. Good. Now, hold on, Vic. Let's go.
All right. [ Grunting ]
You okay?
[ Grunting ] Help me, George.
[ Alan ] Easy, easy!
[ Grunting ] He's almost here.
Hold on, man. You're all right.
[ Panting ]
[ Grunting ]
He's almost here. Here, hold me. Hold me.
Okay. That's all right.
Gimme your hand. Gimme your hand! Okay.
I got him. Got him!
[ Panting ]
Easy. Right here. Here.
I'll get the first-aid stuff. Hurry.
Oh, jeez, he looks awful. Yeah.
I'd better stay with him while you guys go downriver for help.
No, we'll just leave him here and send help back for him.
- Somebody's gotta stay with him. - Alan, he left you!
I don't care. It's not the same thing. He's hurt.
- How the hell are we gonna find the ranger station? - You'll find it.
You figure the river'll lead us down?
Yeah. Just remember to keep the sun at your left.
All right. We'll get someone here as soon as we can.
Put that over him.
All you have to do is hike downstream. You'll reach the ranger station by tomorrow.
Sure you'll be all right?
Yeah, I'm sure. We're outta here.
Good luck, Alan, huh?
See ya soon, all right? Yeah. Bye.
[ Clears Throat ]
The others went for help.
You know, that thing you rigged-- it saved my life.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Makin' fire. Yeah.
How come you're doin' it that way?
I thought you hated all that stuff. We sort of lost the matches.
[ Pained Breathing ]
[ Laughs ] This wasn't on the itinerary.
At first light, we're takin' the river.
I thought you said help was comin'.
Change of plans.
Alan, you can't take the canoe.
It's too dangerous. Y-You don't know how to--
We'll just wait here for help. We can't.
Your leg is broken. You're losin' a ton of blood.
[ Sighs ]
I'll do whatever I can to help.
[ Gasps ]
Vic!
[ Coughing ]
Don't worry, Vic. You're comin' around!
You're comin'! Reach out! I got you! Put out your arm! Grab!
Reach! Grab my hand!
Hold on. You got it. You got it.
[ Grunting ] Pull. Pull.
Hell of a ride, huh?
Remind me to put it on the tour next year.
How's your leg?
It's been numb most of the way.
Oh, man.
What you did back there-- that was brave.
It took guts. I didn't do this 'cause I wanted to.
It wasn't fun, and I wouldn't do it again.
I mean, what's the point? We didn't make it anyway.
The point is, you made it down that river.
I was trying to get you to a doctor. I don't give a shit about the river.
You... are the most stubborn... son of a bitch!
Except maybe for you.
How did your father ever talk you into comin' this summer?
I was young. It won't happen again.
Alan, it's our ride home! We made it! Whoo!
Yeah! Yeah! Whoo!
Hey, we're here! Hey! Whoo!
♪ Runnin' outta self-control ♪
♪ Gettin' close to an overload ♪
♪ Up against a no-win situation ♪ Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
♪ [ Stops ] You hear music, you see credits, you think it's over?
I gotta tell you what happened to Chris, Mitch and George.
They made it to the ranger station, grumbling somethin' about bad directions.
What did I know? I was in charge. I had to say something.
[ Sighs ] I made my peace with Vic,
and I learned somethin' too:
Everybody needs a time of isolation,
time to be one with nature.
So, every year I come to these woods to contemplate my place in the universe,
fish, to live off the land.
[ Alan Narrates ] I know what you're thinking:
I've lost my mind.
After all this-- the bridge, the cliff,
the group pee, the boat over the waterfall--
and now I come back to the woods?
Not this puppy.
♪ Runnin' outta self-control ♪
♪ Gettin' close to an overload ♪
♪ Up against a no-win situation ♪
♪ Shoulder to shoulder push and shove ♪
♪ I'm hangin' up my boxing gloves ♪
♪ I'm heading for a long vacation ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Be good to yourself ♪ ♪ You be good to yourself ♪
♪ When nobody else will ♪ ♪ When nobody else will ♪
♪ Oh, be good to yourself ♪
♪ You're walkin' a high wire ♪ ♪ You're walkin' a high wire ♪
♪ Caught in a cross fire ♪ ♪ Caught in a cross fire ♪
♪ Oh, be good to yourself ♪
♪ When you can't give no more ♪
♪ They want it all but you gotta say no ♪
♪ I'm tellin' off the boss that makes me crazy ♪
♪ You'll keep up with no regrets ♪
♪ To forgive is to forget ♪
♪ I want a little peace of mind to turn to ♪
♪ Be good to yourself ♪ ♪ You be good to yourself ♪
♪ When nobody else will ♪ ♪ When nobody else will ♪
♪ Oh, be good to yourself ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ You're walkin' a high wire ♪ ♪ You're walkin' a high wire ♪
♪ Caught in a cross fire ♪ ♪ Caught in a cross fire ♪
♪ Oh, be good to yourself ♪
♪ Runnin' outta self-control ♪
♪ Gettin' close to an overload ♪
♪ Up against a no-win situation ♪
♪ Shoulder to shoulder push and shove ♪
♪ I'm hangin' up my boxing gloves ♪
♪ I'm headed for a long vacation ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Be good to yourself ♪ ♪ You be good to yourself ♪
♪ When nobody else will ♪ ♪ When nobody else will ♪
♪ Oh, be good to yourself ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ You're walkin' a high wire ♪ ♪ You're walkin' a high wire ♪
♪ Caught in a cross fire ♪ ♪ Caught in a cross fire ♪
♪ Oh, be good to yourself ♪
♪ Be good ♪ ♪ Good to yourself ♪
♪ When nobody else will ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪