1 00:00:45,461 --> 00:00:47,622 Show me that little dance you-all be doing. 2 00:00:47,797 --> 00:00:50,595 - I told y'all to stop running in here. - Yes, ma'am. 3 00:00:50,766 --> 00:00:52,461 I'm gonna smack one of you now, you hear? 4 00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:54,432 Them pants cost $3.98, baby, you hear? 5 00:00:54,904 --> 00:00:56,235 See that chocolate cake I bought? 6 00:00:56,405 --> 00:00:58,168 The chocolate cake that was on the counter? 7 00:00:58,340 --> 00:01:00,205 - Yeah. - Well, check Cousin Cecil's pockets. 8 00:01:00,376 --> 00:01:03,675 He probably got it in there with the turkey leg and the sweet potato pie. 9 00:01:08,184 --> 00:01:11,051 Hey, little brother. Show me that little dance you-all be doing. 10 00:01:13,689 --> 00:01:16,920 Get down, Lester, you is talking! 11 00:01:17,093 --> 00:01:19,220 You move like you're 21. 12 00:01:19,395 --> 00:01:22,922 That dance ain't new. It ain't nothing but the old shuffle-butt. 13 00:01:23,099 --> 00:01:24,589 Well, show me that move. 14 00:01:24,767 --> 00:01:26,860 Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down. 15 00:01:27,036 --> 00:01:29,869 Can't you see the kids are trying to put a show on there? 16 00:01:30,039 --> 00:01:32,439 Lester, she ain't your mama. 17 00:01:34,009 --> 00:01:36,569 - Yeah. Yeah. - Junior! 18 00:01:40,015 --> 00:01:41,414 Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa. 19 00:01:41,650 --> 00:01:44,210 Come on, baby. Sing a song for Grandma. 20 00:01:44,386 --> 00:01:46,911 - That's my granddaughter. - That's my niece. 21 00:01:52,561 --> 00:01:55,325 Why do fools fall in love? 22 00:01:55,498 --> 00:01:58,865 Why do birds sing so gay? 23 00:01:59,034 --> 00:02:01,502 And lovers await the break of day 24 00:02:01,670 --> 00:02:05,766 Why do they fall in love? 25 00:02:05,941 --> 00:02:09,240 Why does the rain Fall from up above? 26 00:02:09,411 --> 00:02:11,936 Why do fools fall in love? 27 00:02:12,114 --> 00:02:15,208 Why do they fall in love? 28 00:02:22,191 --> 00:02:24,318 Mama, I got a joke. 29 00:02:24,493 --> 00:02:27,053 Little Eddie got a joke to tell. Go on, Eddie. 30 00:02:27,229 --> 00:02:28,628 Eddie. Eddie. 31 00:02:29,865 --> 00:02:31,264 I got a joke to tell. 32 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,034 Once there was a lion and a monkey. 33 00:02:34,203 --> 00:02:36,330 The monkey said, "l can make the weather change." 34 00:02:36,505 --> 00:02:38,063 And the lion said, "No, you can't." 35 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:42,233 So the monkey started climbing up the tree. 36 00:02:42,945 --> 00:02:45,175 And then he started peeing on the lion's head. 37 00:02:45,848 --> 00:02:48,908 "Now it's raining!" 38 00:02:49,084 --> 00:02:51,348 Then he started farting. 39 00:03:00,796 --> 00:03:04,562 "Now there's thunder!" Then he started doo-dooing. 40 00:03:15,611 --> 00:03:17,704 "Now it's snowing!" 41 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:22,146 So the lion said, "Oh, yeah? Well, I can make the stars come out." 42 00:03:22,318 --> 00:03:25,014 And then he kicked him in the ding-ding. 43 00:03:29,825 --> 00:03:31,087 Thank you. 44 00:03:34,496 --> 00:03:38,990 I love that doo-doo line. That boy's got talent. 45 00:04:28,417 --> 00:04:29,941 My favorite movie is Trading Places. 46 00:04:30,119 --> 00:04:32,952 - 48 Hrs. Has to be. - Trading Places. 47 00:04:33,122 --> 00:04:35,283 - Beverly Hills Cop. - Delirious. 48 00:04:35,457 --> 00:04:37,049 - Beverly Hills Cop. - No, 48 Hrs. 49 00:04:37,226 --> 00:04:38,488 - All of them. - 48 Hrs. 50 00:04:38,661 --> 00:04:40,993 - All of them. - 48 Hrs. 51 00:04:41,163 --> 00:04:43,495 I even liked Best Defense. 52 00:05:27,242 --> 00:05:29,540 I'm looking forward to seeing him in that leather suit. 53 00:05:29,712 --> 00:05:32,476 - I'm telling you, that behind and all. - Yeah, he's looking sexy. 54 00:05:32,648 --> 00:05:33,910 - He looks good. - Handsome. 55 00:06:49,458 --> 00:06:51,255 Thank you. 56 00:06:51,427 --> 00:06:54,225 Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit. Cool out. 57 00:06:54,963 --> 00:06:58,865 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 58 00:06:59,034 --> 00:07:01,628 And hello, New York City! 59 00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:08,271 Thank you for coming out. 60 00:07:08,444 --> 00:07:10,412 Don't let the lights and cameras throw y'all. 61 00:07:10,579 --> 00:07:14,345 We filming a movie here tonight and y'all gonna be in this shit. 62 00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:20,484 Except only I'm getting paid for the motherfucker. 63 00:07:21,757 --> 00:07:23,452 Every now and then I take a joke too far. 64 00:07:23,625 --> 00:07:26,093 That's why I haven't been on the road the last three years. 65 00:07:26,261 --> 00:07:28,923 Did y'all see Delirious? 66 00:07:30,532 --> 00:07:33,467 In Delirious, I was making fun out of a lot of entertainers too. 67 00:07:33,635 --> 00:07:36,069 That's when I got scared. I did some jokes about Mr. T. 68 00:07:36,238 --> 00:07:38,468 And Mr. T was gonna fuck Ed up. He was... 69 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:40,540 And I was scared, because y'all seen Mr. T. 70 00:07:40,709 --> 00:07:43,143 He don't look like, you know, like he can't fight. 71 00:07:43,312 --> 00:07:45,576 He looks like he can whip some ass, right? 72 00:07:45,747 --> 00:07:48,272 And I was petrified. I would walk at parties and people say: 73 00:07:48,450 --> 00:07:51,180 "Yo, man, Mr. T was just here looking for you." 74 00:07:51,820 --> 00:07:53,253 He was walking up to people saying: 75 00:07:53,422 --> 00:07:55,549 "I'm gonna whip Eddie Murphy's ass when I see him." 76 00:07:56,625 --> 00:07:58,752 Then I watched his show, because I didn't know him, 77 00:07:58,927 --> 00:08:00,224 to see what kind of guy he was, 78 00:08:00,395 --> 00:08:02,363 and the character on the show ain't too bright. 79 00:08:02,531 --> 00:08:05,591 So I figured if he came up to me, I could use the Jedi mind trick on him. 80 00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:08,292 Mr. T walk up and go, "l heard you did some jokes about me." 81 00:08:08,470 --> 00:08:10,734 "No, you didn't." "Maybe I didn't." 82 00:08:14,710 --> 00:08:17,702 "I'm gonna go beat up the fool that told me them lies." 83 00:08:18,380 --> 00:08:20,280 I'd be at parties, hear he was looking for me, 84 00:08:20,449 --> 00:08:22,508 I would just leave. I don't wanna fight Mr. T. 85 00:08:22,684 --> 00:08:25,448 Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me. I was like... 86 00:08:25,621 --> 00:08:27,521 When Mike... My manager called me up and said: 87 00:08:27,689 --> 00:08:31,625 "Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad." I was like, "So?" 88 00:08:33,495 --> 00:08:36,931 You know, because I'd fuck Mike up. You know, Mike... 89 00:08:37,733 --> 00:08:40,497 Mike don't weigh but a buck-oh-five, you know. 90 00:08:40,669 --> 00:08:44,036 I bust that ass on Mike. I was looking for him, but my manager said: 91 00:08:44,206 --> 00:08:45,867 "We don't know everything about Michael. 92 00:08:46,041 --> 00:08:48,407 "He might be this bad motherfucker behind closed doors. 93 00:08:48,577 --> 00:08:51,671 "He's a recluse. Behind closed doors, he might be completely different." 94 00:08:51,847 --> 00:08:54,372 And I'd be at a party and have Michael walk up to me one day 95 00:08:54,550 --> 00:08:56,211 and it'd be like this: 96 00:08:57,786 --> 00:08:59,754 "Can I talk to you for a minute? 97 00:09:01,089 --> 00:09:03,785 "Yeah, what's your motherfucking problem, man? 98 00:09:03,959 --> 00:09:06,086 "Well, how come you keep fucking with me then, huh? 99 00:09:06,261 --> 00:09:10,061 "What's all the motherfucking jokes? You don't like my clothes? 100 00:09:10,232 --> 00:09:12,792 "I'm Michael-motherfucking-Jackson, I will bust your ass. 101 00:09:12,968 --> 00:09:14,401 "Get the fuck out, motherfucker... 102 00:09:14,570 --> 00:09:17,061 "l will moonwalk all up and down your ass, motherfucker. 103 00:09:17,239 --> 00:09:19,730 "You mind your motherfucking business. 104 00:09:20,809 --> 00:09:23,710 "l hear some more shit, I'm gonna put this glove up your ass. 105 00:09:23,879 --> 00:09:25,779 "I'll see you later." 106 00:09:27,683 --> 00:09:29,014 That's a dumb... I could never... 107 00:09:29,184 --> 00:09:31,379 I've been trying for five months to do the moonwalk 108 00:09:31,553 --> 00:09:33,282 and I can't do the shit. It's shitty. 109 00:09:33,455 --> 00:09:35,582 It's the dumbest dance ever, because I can't do it, 110 00:09:35,757 --> 00:09:37,122 that's why I say it's stupid. 111 00:09:37,292 --> 00:09:39,692 But how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance? 112 00:09:39,861 --> 00:09:42,955 Be at a party, say, "Hey, baby, come on, let's dance. See you later." 113 00:09:43,498 --> 00:09:46,661 Do the moonwalk. That's some stupid shit. Michael can do that shit, though. 114 00:09:46,835 --> 00:09:48,097 Michael's so famous, 115 00:09:48,270 --> 00:09:51,103 Michael went on TV and everything he says, the public believes. 116 00:09:51,273 --> 00:09:52,535 Went on television and said: 117 00:09:52,708 --> 00:09:54,835 "l don't have sex because of my religious beliefs." 118 00:09:55,010 --> 00:09:56,671 And the public believed it. 119 00:09:56,845 --> 00:09:59,973 I know brothers were like, "Get the fuck out of here." 120 00:10:00,148 --> 00:10:03,777 And white people go, "That Michael's a special kind of guy. 121 00:10:04,519 --> 00:10:08,683 "He's special. I mean, he's good, clean and wholesome." 122 00:10:08,857 --> 00:10:10,620 You know how I knew y'all believed it? 123 00:10:10,792 --> 00:10:14,125 Y'all didn't get mad when he took Brooke Shields to the Grammys. 124 00:10:14,463 --> 00:10:16,897 Nobody white said shit. 125 00:10:17,065 --> 00:10:20,762 And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America. 126 00:10:21,136 --> 00:10:23,832 Miss America every year is Brooke. Fuck who you see with the crown. 127 00:10:24,006 --> 00:10:25,837 You look up "white woman" in the dictionary, 128 00:10:26,008 --> 00:10:27,805 be a picture of Brooke like this: 129 00:10:28,510 --> 00:10:29,943 She's white. 130 00:10:30,112 --> 00:10:32,740 And this nigger took her to the Grammys, nobody said shit. 131 00:10:32,914 --> 00:10:34,541 If I took Brooke Shields to the Grammys, 132 00:10:34,716 --> 00:10:36,650 y'all would lose your mind. 133 00:10:37,986 --> 00:10:40,716 Because y'all know Brooke would get fucked that night. 134 00:10:50,799 --> 00:10:53,199 And Brooke knew too. 135 00:10:53,568 --> 00:10:56,128 That's why we going this year. No... 136 00:10:58,173 --> 00:11:00,539 Stop. Now, see? I did jokes about... 137 00:11:00,709 --> 00:11:03,337 I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals a couple years ago 138 00:11:03,512 --> 00:11:05,742 and faggots were mad. They were like... 139 00:11:05,914 --> 00:11:10,214 And they were... There's nothing like having a nation of fags looking for you. 140 00:11:10,385 --> 00:11:12,910 I'd be at parties... There's always two or three at a party. 141 00:11:13,088 --> 00:11:15,818 They'd be standing around looking at you, they'd be looking at... 142 00:11:23,965 --> 00:11:26,058 "He's an asshole." 143 00:11:27,102 --> 00:11:28,899 I can't travel the country freely no more. 144 00:11:29,071 --> 00:11:31,266 I can't go to San Francisco. 145 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:35,103 They got 24-hour homo watch waiting for me in the airport. 146 00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:37,108 Soon as I got off the plane, they'd be like: 147 00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:40,476 "He's here, yes. Yes, it's him. Yes, it's him!" 148 00:11:41,616 --> 00:11:43,811 And the cars would come rushing across town. It'd be: 149 00:11:45,020 --> 00:11:48,046 And it won't be no siren, it'll be a real fag sitting on the roof going: 150 00:11:54,830 --> 00:11:57,697 "Pull over. Pull over. 151 00:11:58,266 --> 00:12:00,996 "Pull over. I'm gonna read him his rights. 152 00:12:01,169 --> 00:12:02,659 "You have the right to remain silent. 153 00:12:02,838 --> 00:12:04,965 "Anything you say can and will be held against you. 154 00:12:05,140 --> 00:12:08,041 "You have the right to an attorney. Turn around. I'm gonna frisk you. 155 00:12:08,210 --> 00:12:09,734 "You carrying any concealed weapons? 156 00:12:09,911 --> 00:12:13,677 "Are you carrying...? What is this? What is this? 157 00:12:15,550 --> 00:12:17,643 "Lay down on the floor and spread them." 158 00:12:29,197 --> 00:12:32,360 - Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show? - Yeah! 159 00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:34,468 I do too. I love Bill Cosby's show. 160 00:12:34,636 --> 00:12:36,467 I been a big fan of Bill Cosby all my life. 161 00:12:36,638 --> 00:12:39,300 Never met the man before, but he called me up about a year ago 162 00:12:39,474 --> 00:12:42,238 and chastised me on the phone for being too dirty on-stage. 163 00:12:42,411 --> 00:12:44,311 It was real weird, because I had never met him 164 00:12:44,479 --> 00:12:47,642 and he just thought it was... He should call me up, because he was Bill, 165 00:12:47,816 --> 00:12:50,410 and tell me that he did... About what comedy is all about. 166 00:12:50,585 --> 00:12:52,780 And I sat and listened to this man chastise me. 167 00:12:52,954 --> 00:12:55,422 And when Bill Cosby chastises you, you forget you grown. 168 00:12:55,590 --> 00:12:57,455 You feel like one of the Cosby kids and shit. 169 00:12:57,626 --> 00:12:59,753 And I ran in the house all excited to talk to Bill 170 00:12:59,928 --> 00:13:02,089 and picked up the telephone and Bill got raw on me. 171 00:13:02,264 --> 00:13:04,129 I was like, "Hello, Mr. Cosby?" And you hear: 172 00:13:04,299 --> 00:13:07,791 "l would like to talk to you... 173 00:13:10,205 --> 00:13:18,442 "...about some of the things that you do in your show. 174 00:13:24,953 --> 00:13:29,947 "Now, I'm going to tell you a story." He always tells you stories. 175 00:13:30,125 --> 00:13:37,190 "l would like to tell you a story. I have five children. 176 00:13:37,466 --> 00:13:41,459 "One, two, three, four, five. Five... Five children. 177 00:13:41,636 --> 00:13:47,438 "l live in Massachusetts with my wife, Camille, and my five children. 178 00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:53,980 "Now, of the five children that we have, there are four girls and a boy. 179 00:13:54,149 --> 00:13:57,175 "The boy's name is Ennis. He loves everything you do. 180 00:13:57,352 --> 00:13:58,910 "Comes home from school the other day 181 00:13:59,087 --> 00:14:02,284 "with a big smile on his face. And my son looks just like me. 182 00:14:02,457 --> 00:14:06,826 "He walks through the door, looking at me with this big smile, 183 00:14:06,995 --> 00:14:12,297 "and I cannot resist, because it's such a beautiful smile. 184 00:14:12,467 --> 00:14:15,959 "And he walks up and I say, 'What are you smiling about?' 185 00:14:18,473 --> 00:14:19,997 "And the child says to me: 186 00:14:20,175 --> 00:14:24,271 'I'm smiling because I need money to go see the Eddie Murphy show. 187 00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:26,380 'Please give me money for a ticket.' 188 00:14:26,548 --> 00:14:33,181 "Now, if the child is smiling this way because he needs money for a ticket, 189 00:14:33,355 --> 00:14:36,153 "l have to give him money for a ticket. 190 00:14:36,591 --> 00:14:38,525 "l do not handle the money in the house. 191 00:14:38,693 --> 00:14:41,526 "My wife, Camille, handles the ticket money. 192 00:14:41,696 --> 00:14:43,823 "So I must go into the kitchen, 193 00:14:43,999 --> 00:14:47,127 "to where my wife is cooking dinner for the family. 194 00:14:47,302 --> 00:14:50,066 "And she is inside the kitchen cooking. 195 00:14:50,238 --> 00:14:51,500 "And she's got a bowl. 196 00:14:51,673 --> 00:14:54,141 "And she's cooking up the food, man. She's cooking it up. 197 00:14:54,309 --> 00:14:58,370 "And the child walks in the room with the smile 198 00:14:58,547 --> 00:15:00,105 "and he says, 'Mother, please, money.' 199 00:15:00,282 --> 00:15:03,183 "She gives him the money, he runs off to see your show. 200 00:15:03,351 --> 00:15:11,520 "Now, we sit in the living room waiting for Ennis to return. 201 00:15:11,693 --> 00:15:16,027 "At about 5:00 in the morning, the child comes through the door. 202 00:15:16,197 --> 00:15:19,132 "He has a different look on his face. 203 00:15:19,634 --> 00:15:23,536 "A look like he heard something at your show that he's never heard before. 204 00:15:23,705 --> 00:15:26,936 "And I say to my child, I say, 'Child...' 205 00:15:28,243 --> 00:15:31,337 "l say, 'What did the man say on the stage?' 206 00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:34,414 "And he says, 'Pop, the man comes out and says these things.' 207 00:15:34,583 --> 00:15:35,914 "l say, 'Well, what did he say?' 208 00:15:36,084 --> 00:15:37,779 'Pop, he comes out and says some stuff.' 209 00:15:37,953 --> 00:15:39,215 "l say, 'What did he do?' 210 00:15:39,387 --> 00:15:40,718 'Pop, he walks out and he goes: 211 00:15:40,889 --> 00:15:43,357 "Hello, suck this, and MF and kiss my big black stuff. 212 00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:46,858 "And suck it and stick it down in your mouth and suck it, suck it."' 213 00:15:53,902 --> 00:16:01,536 "You cannot say filth, flarn, filth, flarn, filth in front of people." 214 00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:05,168 And I say, "l never said no 'filth, flarn, filth'." 215 00:16:05,347 --> 00:16:06,746 "You know what I'm talking about. 216 00:16:06,915 --> 00:16:09,110 "l can't use the type of language that you use, 217 00:16:09,284 --> 00:16:13,311 "but you know what I mean when I say 'filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth'." 218 00:16:13,488 --> 00:16:15,319 I say, "l never said 'filth, flarn, filth'. 219 00:16:15,490 --> 00:16:18,891 "l don't know what you're talking about. I'm offended you called. Fuck you." 220 00:16:20,095 --> 00:16:21,653 That's when Bill got pissed and said: 221 00:16:21,830 --> 00:16:29,327 "That's what I'm talking about. You cannot say 'fuck'... 222 00:16:32,340 --> 00:16:34,331 "...in front of people." 223 00:16:34,509 --> 00:16:36,670 And I got mad. 224 00:16:36,845 --> 00:16:38,745 Because he thought that was my whole act. 225 00:16:38,913 --> 00:16:41,973 Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. 226 00:16:42,150 --> 00:16:44,277 I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. 227 00:16:44,452 --> 00:16:47,250 You couldn't give no curse show. Walk out, say, "Hey, Felt Forum, 228 00:16:47,422 --> 00:16:50,118 "motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. 229 00:16:50,291 --> 00:16:52,953 "Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye." 230 00:16:53,895 --> 00:16:56,864 I was pissed off. I was so mad I called Richard Pryor's house up. 231 00:16:57,032 --> 00:16:59,091 I said, "Yo, Richard, Bill Cosby just called me up 232 00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:01,098 "and told me I was too dirty." Richard said: 233 00:17:01,269 --> 00:17:04,932 "The next time motherfucker call, tell him I said, 'Suck my dick.' 234 00:17:12,747 --> 00:17:14,112 "l don't give a fuck. 235 00:17:14,282 --> 00:17:17,308 "Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit." 236 00:17:17,485 --> 00:17:19,680 He said, "Do people laugh when you say what you say?" 237 00:17:19,854 --> 00:17:21,879 I said, "Yes." "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes." 238 00:17:22,057 --> 00:17:23,456 He said, "Well, tell Bill I said: 239 00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:26,093 'Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.' 240 00:17:30,865 --> 00:17:33,766 "The Jell-O pudding-eating motherfucker." 241 00:17:34,035 --> 00:17:36,697 Richard... Richard is the rawest motherfucker in show business. 242 00:17:36,871 --> 00:17:38,964 Richard's the one that made me wanna do comedy. 243 00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:42,109 When I was little, I wanted to be Richard Pryor so bad I used to... 244 00:17:42,277 --> 00:17:44,711 Remember, you'd sneak in the basement, put his albums on, 245 00:17:44,879 --> 00:17:46,471 and your mother ain't supposed to hear, 246 00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:48,843 and you're listening to this shit and I turned it... 247 00:17:49,017 --> 00:17:52,384 I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used to go out on-stage when I was 15 248 00:17:52,554 --> 00:17:54,954 and talk and act and walk and do everything like Richard. 249 00:17:55,123 --> 00:17:57,819 My mother would sit there and watch her 15-year-old son on-stage 250 00:17:57,992 --> 00:17:59,254 saying some outlandish shit. 251 00:17:59,427 --> 00:18:01,395 My whole act back then was about taking a shit, 252 00:18:01,563 --> 00:18:03,554 because that's all I had done at 15. 253 00:18:03,865 --> 00:18:06,425 That was my life experience, but it sounded like Pryor jokes. 254 00:18:06,601 --> 00:18:09,399 I'd be going, "You ever, sometime, right, you get on that toilet 255 00:18:09,571 --> 00:18:13,302 "and when you shit, that water splash up on your ass? 256 00:18:13,908 --> 00:18:16,672 "Don't that make you mad, right? You know what really make me mad? 257 00:18:16,845 --> 00:18:18,608 "It's when shit come halfway out your ass, 258 00:18:18,780 --> 00:18:21,271 "then go back up in that motherfucker. 259 00:18:22,217 --> 00:18:26,210 "Right? Why do shit be teasing your ass, right? 260 00:18:26,387 --> 00:18:28,446 "Just get the fuck out, right? 261 00:18:28,623 --> 00:18:30,022 "You know what really bother me 262 00:18:30,191 --> 00:18:32,216 "is when you be straining for a long time, right? 263 00:18:32,393 --> 00:18:35,055 "And one little pebble shit come out. 264 00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:38,063 "Right? Be some shit this big, right? 265 00:18:38,233 --> 00:18:39,757 "Push your head up your asshole, say: 266 00:18:39,934 --> 00:18:43,495 'That's all the shit I'm gonna get, motherfucker?' 267 00:18:43,671 --> 00:18:45,070 "You know what really make me mad, 268 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,867 "when your ass don't cooperate with you 269 00:18:47,041 --> 00:18:49,874 "and clench up and break the shit in half. 270 00:18:50,044 --> 00:18:51,568 "You be mad as a motherfucker too, 271 00:18:51,746 --> 00:18:53,475 "because you know you got to wipe your ass 272 00:18:53,648 --> 00:18:55,946 "for, like, five hours and shit, right? 273 00:18:56,951 --> 00:19:00,512 "Use 1 2 rolls of toilet paper on that motherfucker. 274 00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:03,551 "You know what really make me mad, though, is afterwards, right? 275 00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:07,183 "You done all the shitting you gonna do for the whole day, right? 276 00:19:07,362 --> 00:19:10,297 "You finish shitting and you flush the toilet and wait a second 277 00:19:10,465 --> 00:19:12,956 "and one chunk come back. 278 00:19:14,469 --> 00:19:16,903 "What does that chunk want?" 279 00:19:17,372 --> 00:19:19,237 That was my act. My mother sit there shocked. 280 00:19:19,407 --> 00:19:21,568 If you don't speak English, you can't hear that bit. 281 00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:24,143 All you hear is "shit, ass, shit, shit." 282 00:19:24,312 --> 00:19:26,007 I got a lot of foreigners that come over. 283 00:19:26,181 --> 00:19:29,275 People from other countries have seen my films and come over to the U.S., 284 00:19:29,450 --> 00:19:31,008 because New York is a tourist place, 285 00:19:31,186 --> 00:19:32,949 and they get HBO and they catch Delirious 286 00:19:33,121 --> 00:19:35,248 and they can't speak English and try to do my act 287 00:19:35,423 --> 00:19:36,720 and all they got is the curses. 288 00:19:36,891 --> 00:19:38,916 I got foreigners from all over walking up, going: 289 00:19:39,093 --> 00:19:41,960 "Eddie Murphy! Fuck you! 290 00:19:47,101 --> 00:19:49,626 "Fuck you, Eddie. 291 00:19:50,438 --> 00:19:55,273 "l know you. I see you on television. 292 00:19:55,443 --> 00:19:57,604 "You're the 'fuck you' man, right? 293 00:19:57,779 --> 00:20:01,010 "l love it. Suck my dick, huh? 294 00:20:02,283 --> 00:20:05,411 "Suck it, you black motherfucker. 295 00:20:06,588 --> 00:20:12,390 "l love it. The best motherfucker. The 'fuck you' man." 296 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:16,428 Made me stay in the house, man. Almost got married last year. 297 00:20:17,532 --> 00:20:19,056 Don't you "ooh" and "aah". 298 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,459 Got to get married in the '80s. I read the papers. 299 00:20:21,636 --> 00:20:23,194 I said, "Fuck this, I'm getting out." 300 00:20:23,371 --> 00:20:25,896 Hey, you know, read. You can catch some shit. 301 00:20:26,074 --> 00:20:28,668 You can't just keep messing around like you used to. 302 00:20:28,843 --> 00:20:31,835 Eventually, your dick will fall off. 303 00:20:32,013 --> 00:20:34,379 Remember...? Remember, like, VD in the '60s? 304 00:20:34,549 --> 00:20:37,347 That shit don't just sting no more. Every time they cure something, 305 00:20:37,518 --> 00:20:40,954 it come back stronger. VD is new and improved now. 306 00:20:41,122 --> 00:20:44,455 They got dudes in the doctor's office with symptoms like, "Excuse me, doc, 307 00:20:44,626 --> 00:20:47,823 "what does it mean when you go to the bathroom 308 00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:50,089 "and fire shoot out your dick?" 309 00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:58,268 "Let me get this right. So you're getting a burning sensation 310 00:20:58,439 --> 00:21:00,270 "when you urinate?" 311 00:21:01,075 --> 00:21:03,839 "No, fire shoot out my dick, is all. 312 00:21:04,979 --> 00:21:07,641 "A burst of flame fly out my dick when I pee. 313 00:21:07,815 --> 00:21:10,978 "l can't even pee in the house, I burn my house down. I gotta go outside. 314 00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:13,753 "l was outside peeing, dude tried to mug me, 315 00:21:13,922 --> 00:21:16,186 "l turned around and burned him up on the street. 316 00:21:16,357 --> 00:21:18,951 "Because my dick is a blowtorch, is what I'm trying to say." 317 00:21:19,127 --> 00:21:21,493 Got to be careful. They say having casual sex nowadays 318 00:21:21,663 --> 00:21:23,790 is like playing Russian roulette. 319 00:21:23,965 --> 00:21:27,594 And I know I've thrown my dick on the crap table many a night. 320 00:21:29,737 --> 00:21:31,898 Looking for Miss Right, you be gambling every time. 321 00:21:32,073 --> 00:21:35,133 You gambling with your dick, saying, "Come on, need a woman with a mind. 322 00:21:35,310 --> 00:21:38,302 "Come on, now. I need somebody perfect for me. Give it to me, now! 323 00:21:38,479 --> 00:21:41,846 "Oh, shit. Fat, bucktoothed bitch. No, give me my dick back. No. 324 00:21:42,016 --> 00:21:44,177 "I'm gonna keep rolling. I got one more roll in me. 325 00:21:44,352 --> 00:21:46,877 "l want the perfect woman, now. I want somebody with a mind, 326 00:21:47,055 --> 00:21:49,455 "intelligence, a nice ass and a body. Give it to me, now! 327 00:21:49,624 --> 00:21:51,854 "Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch. No, give my dick back. 328 00:21:52,026 --> 00:21:53,755 "Give my dick back. Now, listen, be quiet. 329 00:21:53,928 --> 00:21:55,828 "I'm gonna keep rolling. This is my last roll. 330 00:21:55,997 --> 00:21:57,897 "This is the last one. This is the one for me. 331 00:21:58,066 --> 00:21:59,658 "Miss Right. Blow on this for luck. 332 00:21:59,834 --> 00:22:01,597 "This is my last roll. Come on. Here we go. 333 00:22:01,769 --> 00:22:04,431 "Give it to me, now! Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out. 334 00:22:04,605 --> 00:22:07,972 "My dick is fucked up. My dick is ruined." 335 00:22:08,443 --> 00:22:10,536 So be careful. Get married. 336 00:22:10,712 --> 00:22:12,441 I went out and found the perfect woman. 337 00:22:12,613 --> 00:22:17,380 Nineteen years old. Beautiful face. A virgin. Nobody ever fucked her. 338 00:22:17,552 --> 00:22:19,486 And had an ass like this: 339 00:22:21,356 --> 00:22:23,847 And her legs are like: Her titties are like: 340 00:22:24,025 --> 00:22:26,357 She was so fine. She's one of the people that's so fine, 341 00:22:26,527 --> 00:22:28,256 when you see them, they make you ugly. 342 00:22:28,429 --> 00:22:30,693 You be like, "Goddamn, who is that motherfucker?" 343 00:22:30,865 --> 00:22:32,730 She was fine. I went, I cut all my girls off. 344 00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:36,028 I said, "That's it, I'm getting married. This is it. Gonna be me and her." 345 00:22:36,204 --> 00:22:38,934 I was so happy. And I went out and I went shopping. 346 00:22:39,107 --> 00:22:41,871 And I was waiting on the line and I saw the Enquirer magazine 347 00:22:42,043 --> 00:22:43,374 while I was waiting on the line 348 00:22:43,544 --> 00:22:45,307 and I saw Johnny Carson on the front page. 349 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,675 There was a picture of him like this: 350 00:22:49,450 --> 00:22:52,248 Then I said, "What's up with Johnny?" I turned to the inside story 351 00:22:52,420 --> 00:22:55,753 and his wife was on the other page and she was like this: 352 00:23:00,828 --> 00:23:04,594 And over her head it said, "Johnny's wife wants half Johnny's money." 353 00:23:04,766 --> 00:23:07,132 I turned that shit back to Johnny. 354 00:23:09,737 --> 00:23:13,605 Then I started thinking about it. Half. 355 00:23:14,776 --> 00:23:16,471 If you... If you have $5 356 00:23:16,644 --> 00:23:20,045 and have to give somebody $2.50, you'd be upset. 357 00:23:20,314 --> 00:23:23,579 Johnny had to have at least 300 million. 358 00:23:23,751 --> 00:23:26,686 And have to give up $150 million? 359 00:23:26,954 --> 00:23:28,945 And they wasn't even married but ten years. 360 00:23:29,123 --> 00:23:31,318 And $150 million? Get... 361 00:23:31,492 --> 00:23:34,791 Give me a fucking break. What...? What...? 362 00:23:34,962 --> 00:23:37,954 And ladies... Now, here's a woman right here saying, "Right on." 363 00:23:38,132 --> 00:23:39,895 Baby, that's not fair. Not no 150 million. 364 00:23:40,068 --> 00:23:41,399 I see a lot of you ladies going: 365 00:23:41,569 --> 00:23:45,369 "Get all the money you can, shit. I'm glad she did get all that money. 366 00:23:45,940 --> 00:23:48,670 "She earned it. She earned it. That... You damn right. 367 00:23:48,843 --> 00:23:50,902 "She was married to him, she deserved that money." 368 00:23:51,079 --> 00:23:53,547 Get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit. 369 00:23:53,714 --> 00:23:56,410 No. Stop it. 370 00:24:00,922 --> 00:24:02,184 No, don't get me wrong. 371 00:24:02,356 --> 00:24:05,189 If you marry somebody and neither one of you have anything 372 00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:08,328 and you build 300 million together, you deserve half. 373 00:24:08,496 --> 00:24:11,522 But Johnny was 300 million in when they met. 374 00:24:11,699 --> 00:24:14,429 And I'm quite sure she knew. 375 00:24:16,137 --> 00:24:17,434 Johnny says, "Hey, I'm Johnny." 376 00:24:17,605 --> 00:24:19,937 She was like, "l know who you are, motherfucker." 377 00:24:20,108 --> 00:24:22,508 And they got married, broke up, shit didn't work out. 378 00:24:22,677 --> 00:24:25,237 And then he had to give her $150 million of his money. 379 00:24:25,413 --> 00:24:27,677 I know a lot of housewives sitting out there going: 380 00:24:27,849 --> 00:24:29,407 "You can't put a price on what I do." 381 00:24:29,584 --> 00:24:32,246 But, ladies, if you marry a man with $300 million, 382 00:24:32,420 --> 00:24:35,480 you ain't no regular housewife. You ain't got to clean the house no more. 383 00:24:35,656 --> 00:24:37,988 You get a maid. You ain't cleaning shit! 384 00:24:38,292 --> 00:24:41,784 You marry a man with $300 million, you ain't cooking. You're eating out. 385 00:24:41,963 --> 00:24:45,228 You marry... You know how a lot of housewives gotta get jobs on the side 386 00:24:45,399 --> 00:24:46,661 to help make ends meet? 387 00:24:46,834 --> 00:24:50,099 He got 300 million, the ends are meeting like a motherfucker. 388 00:24:52,473 --> 00:24:56,000 What you gonna do, get a job at a boutique on the weekends and shit? 389 00:24:56,177 --> 00:24:59,510 And say, "Here, Johnny. I made $70, put that with the rest. 390 00:25:01,315 --> 00:25:04,716 "Now we have $300 million and 70. 391 00:25:05,853 --> 00:25:09,152 "Because I want to do my share." No. 392 00:25:09,457 --> 00:25:11,857 All you have to do, you marry a man with $300 million, 393 00:25:12,026 --> 00:25:13,755 is fuck your husband. 394 00:25:13,928 --> 00:25:15,395 That's it! That's your job. 395 00:25:15,563 --> 00:25:19,363 Fuck your husband! That's it. That's... Just fuck your husband. 396 00:25:19,534 --> 00:25:21,365 You fill out a W-2, they say, "What you do?" 397 00:25:21,536 --> 00:25:24,699 You say, "l fuck my husband." That's it. 398 00:25:28,743 --> 00:25:30,335 And I've had my share of pussy. 399 00:25:30,511 --> 00:25:33,878 I have yet... Even if the pussy was great 400 00:25:34,048 --> 00:25:36,312 and sparks shot out the woman's ass 401 00:25:36,484 --> 00:25:39,078 and cannons blared and the mountains crumbled 402 00:25:39,253 --> 00:25:40,550 and the seas roared, 403 00:25:40,721 --> 00:25:44,521 no pussy is worth $150 million! 404 00:25:46,427 --> 00:25:48,258 No pussy. 405 00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:54,359 I'd like to meet some pussy like that. 406 00:25:54,535 --> 00:25:56,833 Put the shit on layaway. 407 00:25:58,139 --> 00:26:01,302 That shit scared the shit out of me. Half? I was petrified. 408 00:26:01,475 --> 00:26:03,375 Man, you know what's real scary 409 00:26:03,544 --> 00:26:06,536 is that American women in the '80s have become very business-conscious. 410 00:26:06,714 --> 00:26:07,976 Y'all the most resourceful 411 00:26:08,149 --> 00:26:12,245 and the most business-smart women on the planet. Now, in the '80s. 412 00:26:12,853 --> 00:26:15,651 And it would be an asset to us, as American men, 413 00:26:15,823 --> 00:26:17,552 if you weren't so vindictive. 414 00:26:18,059 --> 00:26:19,390 Because the two don't match. 415 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:22,188 Then, what's really fucked up, is y'all the most loving people. 416 00:26:22,363 --> 00:26:24,228 American women are all off into this romance 417 00:26:24,398 --> 00:26:26,298 and they genuinely fall in love with you. 418 00:26:26,467 --> 00:26:30,563 Now, love and money do not mix. The shit don't mix. 419 00:26:30,738 --> 00:26:32,865 Especially if you got a business-smart woman... 420 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,440 You go up and say, "l never met anybody like you before." 421 00:26:35,610 --> 00:26:38,010 "l never met anyone like you." "Why don't we be together." 422 00:26:38,179 --> 00:26:39,942 "Will you marry me?" "l thought you'd never ask." 423 00:26:40,114 --> 00:26:43,049 "Before we get married, why don't you sign this prenuptial agreement." 424 00:26:47,188 --> 00:26:48,985 "What do you mean, a prenuptial agreement?" 425 00:26:49,156 --> 00:26:51,454 "That's a contract that stipulates if we ever break up, 426 00:26:51,626 --> 00:26:54,720 "you take what you had and I take what I had." 427 00:27:00,601 --> 00:27:03,764 "First of all, I don't give a fuck who you are and what you have, OK? 428 00:27:03,938 --> 00:27:06,873 "You got a lot of motherfucking nerve by asking me to sign a contract. 429 00:27:07,041 --> 00:27:09,703 "There's nothing a man can do for me that I can't do for myself. 430 00:27:09,877 --> 00:27:11,538 "You got a whole lot of... I love you. 431 00:27:11,712 --> 00:27:14,010 "Telling me to sign a contract to show that I love you? 432 00:27:14,181 --> 00:27:17,241 "lf I need something, I can go to my family. My family takes care of me." 433 00:27:17,418 --> 00:27:20,581 And men hear all that shit and we be like this, "OK. 434 00:27:22,723 --> 00:27:24,452 "We don't need no contract." 435 00:27:24,625 --> 00:27:27,093 And you don't get a contract and get married without one 436 00:27:27,261 --> 00:27:29,752 and the shit don't work out and you break up a year later. 437 00:27:29,930 --> 00:27:32,990 She's sitting around in the kitchen by herself, mad, 438 00:27:33,167 --> 00:27:35,601 trying to figure out a way to get even with your ass. 439 00:27:35,770 --> 00:27:38,466 "l can't believe that motherfucker did this to me! 440 00:27:38,639 --> 00:27:39,936 "After all the shit I did... 441 00:27:40,107 --> 00:27:42,701 "All the things I did for that motherfucker, he do this to me? 442 00:27:42,877 --> 00:27:44,469 "Him and his fat bitch can kiss my ass! 443 00:27:44,645 --> 00:27:46,613 "l don't give a shit about either one of them. 444 00:27:46,781 --> 00:27:48,976 "l don't want shit from him or her and I don't care. 445 00:27:49,150 --> 00:27:51,778 "You know something? You know what I should...? You know...? 446 00:27:54,722 --> 00:27:56,451 "Half! 447 00:27:57,124 --> 00:27:59,524 "I'll take half his shit!" 448 00:28:00,227 --> 00:28:01,489 And they'll get it. 449 00:28:01,662 --> 00:28:05,758 They'll get half your money, your house, your car, alimony, 450 00:28:05,933 --> 00:28:07,594 child support and your children. 451 00:28:07,768 --> 00:28:10,965 You will be on the cover of the Enquirer like this: 452 00:28:12,540 --> 00:28:14,770 So be careful! 453 00:28:15,476 --> 00:28:16,738 I started having nightmares. 454 00:28:16,911 --> 00:28:20,039 I was waking up in the middle of the night like this: "Half!" 455 00:28:23,818 --> 00:28:26,150 Because I'm into American women. I like American women. 456 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:28,515 I got a friend got a Japanese girlfriend. 457 00:28:28,689 --> 00:28:31,590 And Japanese women are the most docile women on the planet. 458 00:28:31,759 --> 00:28:34,523 They're real... They're real timid, timid, timid, timid women. 459 00:28:34,695 --> 00:28:36,993 I walked in the house and his friend, Japanese girl, 460 00:28:37,164 --> 00:28:38,563 bowed to me when I walked in. 461 00:28:38,733 --> 00:28:41,133 I said, "What's wrong with your wife's back and shit?" 462 00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:43,167 He said, "That's a Japanese thing. They bow." 463 00:28:43,337 --> 00:28:45,464 And I was like, "Miss, did you decorate the house?" 464 00:28:45,639 --> 00:28:47,470 She looked at her husband, he did like this: 465 00:28:47,641 --> 00:28:48,903 "You may speak." And she spoke. 466 00:28:49,076 --> 00:28:52,603 And I was like, "Now, that's pussy control for you, there." 467 00:28:54,949 --> 00:28:57,110 You know, because I'm used to American women saying: 468 00:28:57,284 --> 00:28:58,842 "You don't own me." 469 00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:01,288 "Hey, baby, where you going?" 470 00:29:08,829 --> 00:29:12,390 "Excuse me?" "l said, where you going?" 471 00:29:12,566 --> 00:29:14,625 "You don't own me." 472 00:29:14,802 --> 00:29:18,568 "You my woman, ain't you?" "l don't see no rings on these fingers. 473 00:29:19,507 --> 00:29:21,202 "Are you gonna put a ring on this finger? 474 00:29:21,375 --> 00:29:23,400 "Well, l..." "Then you don't own me then, OK? 475 00:29:23,577 --> 00:29:25,875 "l don't give a fuck who you are or what you have, OK? 476 00:29:26,046 --> 00:29:28,674 "You got a whole lot of nerve, come and ask me where I'm going. 477 00:29:28,849 --> 00:29:31,374 "l don't answer to my father, I ain't gonna answer to no man. 478 00:29:31,552 --> 00:29:33,315 "Ain't no man gonna tell me where I can go. 479 00:29:33,487 --> 00:29:34,749 "Who do you think you are? 480 00:29:34,922 --> 00:29:37,083 "To come and ask me where I'm going? Nobody owns me. 481 00:29:37,258 --> 00:29:39,749 "l own myself. I am my own person." 482 00:29:41,295 --> 00:29:44,526 And we hear all that shit, then be, "OK." 483 00:29:46,267 --> 00:29:49,725 "Well, where you gonna be?" "I'm gonna be where I'm at! 484 00:29:51,338 --> 00:29:54,501 "You don't own me!" Well, you don't. 485 00:29:54,675 --> 00:29:57,269 You don't own your woman. "You gonna put a ring on my finger?" 486 00:29:57,445 --> 00:29:59,106 That shuts you right up. You say, "OK." 487 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:01,407 I know you spend a lot of your money on your woman. 488 00:30:01,582 --> 00:30:04,346 And I know you go to the movies and you go to get the ice cream 489 00:30:04,518 --> 00:30:07,351 and the candy and the flowers and the anklets and the bracelets 490 00:30:07,521 --> 00:30:08,886 and help her get some clothes. 491 00:30:09,056 --> 00:30:11,889 You spending all your money on shit you ain't never spent it on. 492 00:30:12,059 --> 00:30:13,321 But you don't own her. 493 00:30:13,494 --> 00:30:16,793 Because theoretically, that pussy's on lease. 494 00:30:18,799 --> 00:30:22,997 You're leasing the pussy. With an option to buy. 495 00:30:29,710 --> 00:30:33,441 But be careful, because you lose half on the trade-in. 496 00:30:33,614 --> 00:30:36,447 You got to be careful. You gotta have a J-O-B in the '80s. 497 00:30:36,617 --> 00:30:39,177 You gotta have some money, you can't get no pussy. 498 00:30:39,353 --> 00:30:41,184 Listen to the radio. That's what it's about. 499 00:30:41,355 --> 00:30:44,051 Listen to Madonna. "I'm a material girl in a material world, 500 00:30:44,225 --> 00:30:46,921 "you ain't got no money, you can't have no pussy." 501 00:30:47,194 --> 00:30:48,661 There's a song out now called 502 00:30:48,829 --> 00:30:51,957 "Got to Have a J-O-B If You Wanna Be With Me." 503 00:30:53,701 --> 00:30:56,761 And the lyrics go, "Ain't nothing going on but the rent." 504 00:30:56,937 --> 00:30:58,199 Like if you went up and said: 505 00:30:58,372 --> 00:31:00,897 "Hey, baby, what's going on?" "The rent, motherfucker." 506 00:31:01,909 --> 00:31:05,709 "You have a job?" "Well, l..." "Then get the fuck out my face." 507 00:31:07,414 --> 00:31:10,212 Got to have some money. It says, "No romance without finance." 508 00:31:10,384 --> 00:31:12,079 And women love them songs. They be going: 509 00:31:12,253 --> 00:31:16,656 Got to have a J-O-B If you wanna be with me 510 00:31:17,558 --> 00:31:18,855 Janet Jackson got a hit record: 511 00:31:19,026 --> 00:31:21,256 "What Have You Done For Me Lately". 512 00:31:21,428 --> 00:31:24,022 That's what they thinking. "What have you done for me lately?" 513 00:31:24,198 --> 00:31:25,495 The record start off like that. 514 00:31:25,666 --> 00:31:29,102 "l know he used to do shit for you, but what has he done for you lately?" 515 00:31:30,504 --> 00:31:34,133 "Baby, I love you." "What have you done for me lately?" 516 00:31:35,175 --> 00:31:39,271 "You the only thing on my mind." "What have you done for me lately?" 517 00:31:39,580 --> 00:31:43,573 "We make good love." "What have you done for me lately?" 518 00:31:44,018 --> 00:31:46,248 Got to have some money to get some pussy in the '80s. 519 00:31:46,453 --> 00:31:49,217 It's fucked up, that's why I say, hey, I'm a target. 520 00:31:49,390 --> 00:31:53,486 If I ever get married, I have to go off to the woods of Africa 521 00:31:53,661 --> 00:31:57,620 and find me some crazy, naked, zebra bitch... 522 00:31:58,832 --> 00:32:03,132 ...that knows nothing about money. She got to be butt naked on a zebra 523 00:32:03,304 --> 00:32:07,104 with a big bone in her nose and a big plate lip 524 00:32:07,274 --> 00:32:09,401 and a big, fucked-up Afro! 525 00:32:09,577 --> 00:32:13,206 Her Afro... Afro gotta... Like, Angela Davis see it and go: 526 00:32:13,380 --> 00:32:15,507 "Goddamn, that's some fucked-up shit." 527 00:32:15,683 --> 00:32:17,014 Afro gotta be fucked up 528 00:32:17,184 --> 00:32:19,209 and one of them picks with a fist in the back. 529 00:32:19,386 --> 00:32:21,718 And she gotta be butt naked, because if she got clothes, 530 00:32:21,889 --> 00:32:23,857 she gonna have to put something in the pockets. 531 00:32:24,024 --> 00:32:26,959 She's gotta be butt naked on the zebra. And y'all think it's a joke. 532 00:32:27,127 --> 00:32:29,652 I'm gonna walk up and say, "Hey, how you doing? My name's..." 533 00:32:29,830 --> 00:32:31,092 And she go: 534 00:32:31,265 --> 00:32:34,393 I say, "Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy." And I'm gonna bring her home. 535 00:32:34,568 --> 00:32:37,662 Y'all gonna go past a newsstand one day and see me on the cover of JET 536 00:32:37,838 --> 00:32:40,932 with some woman with a big bone and a plate and a big, fucked-up Afro, 537 00:32:41,108 --> 00:32:43,838 butt naked, and y'all gonna say, "Eddie must be visiting Africa." 538 00:32:44,011 --> 00:32:46,411 It'll say, "Murphy Marries Bush Bitch." I'm gonna be like: 539 00:32:48,816 --> 00:32:50,374 What? 540 00:32:51,585 --> 00:32:53,212 What? 541 00:32:53,487 --> 00:32:55,478 Because I ain't getting caught. 542 00:32:55,656 --> 00:32:58,056 I refuse to get caught out there. Fuck that. 543 00:32:58,225 --> 00:33:01,023 And I'm gonna bring her home and lock her up in the house. 544 00:33:01,195 --> 00:33:03,186 You go off to Africa and get you a bush woman, 545 00:33:03,364 --> 00:33:05,798 you can't let her mingle with American women. 546 00:33:05,966 --> 00:33:07,991 Because they'll change her shit up. 547 00:33:08,168 --> 00:33:10,500 American women stick together. Last thing they wanna see 548 00:33:10,671 --> 00:33:13,105 is you got some trained bush bitch in your house. 549 00:33:13,273 --> 00:33:15,173 They will catch her by herself in the kitchen 550 00:33:15,342 --> 00:33:17,333 and throw a monkey wrench in your whole program. 551 00:33:17,911 --> 00:33:20,539 They get her alone, they be like, "l can't stand the way you be 552 00:33:20,714 --> 00:33:23,114 "doing everything he tell you to do. You a human being. 553 00:33:23,283 --> 00:33:26,116 "This house is too big for one person to clean. Why don't you leave? 554 00:33:26,286 --> 00:33:28,584 "You always crying. Just leave him. You know something? 555 00:33:28,756 --> 00:33:32,123 "Do you know you could take half his money? Did you know that? 556 00:33:32,292 --> 00:33:34,283 "He didn't tell you you were entitled to half? 557 00:33:34,461 --> 00:33:35,860 "He only told you half the story. 558 00:33:36,030 --> 00:33:38,726 "You can take half the money, the car, the house, the children. 559 00:33:38,899 --> 00:33:40,867 "You can buy all the zebras and bones you want. 560 00:33:41,035 --> 00:33:43,595 "Go back home in style, girl. And get your hair done right. 561 00:33:43,771 --> 00:33:46,740 "Cut that Afro off, go back home in style. Who the hell he think he is? 562 00:33:46,907 --> 00:33:48,431 "Let me tell you about Eddie Murphy. 563 00:33:48,609 --> 00:33:51,737 "That motherfucker ain't nothing but... Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing? 564 00:33:52,780 --> 00:33:55,078 "Oh, I didn't know you was here. You scared me. 565 00:33:55,249 --> 00:33:59,583 "No, I can't stay. I was just talking to Uhmfufu about a couple of things. 566 00:33:59,753 --> 00:34:02,881 "No, no, no, I got to go. I got to... You two... Y'all two lovebirds talk. 567 00:34:03,057 --> 00:34:04,684 "Eddie, talk to your... Talk to Uhmfufu. 568 00:34:04,858 --> 00:34:09,386 "Y'all got a lot to talk about. Go on, Eddie. Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu..." 569 00:34:10,698 --> 00:34:16,933 And leave me in the kitchen with some bush bitch with an attitude. 570 00:34:18,672 --> 00:34:20,503 "Eddie! 571 00:34:21,809 --> 00:34:23,640 "Eddie! 572 00:34:24,411 --> 00:34:27,175 "l want to talk to you!" 573 00:34:30,651 --> 00:34:31,913 "What's your problem, baby?" 574 00:34:32,086 --> 00:34:34,850 "l don't like the way you treat me, Eddie. 575 00:34:35,022 --> 00:34:37,786 "You treat me like animal." 576 00:34:40,794 --> 00:34:44,093 "You was butt naked on a zebra last month." 577 00:34:44,331 --> 00:34:46,356 "l don't care, Eddie. I am American woman now. 578 00:34:46,533 --> 00:34:48,899 "l want what's coming to me. 579 00:34:49,103 --> 00:34:53,733 "Eddie, what have you done for me lately?" 580 00:35:01,949 --> 00:35:04,349 "l want you to be happy. Well, what you want?" 581 00:35:04,518 --> 00:35:06,179 "Half! 582 00:35:06,820 --> 00:35:12,383 "Give me half, Eddie. Give me half, Mr. Fuck-you Man. 583 00:35:13,627 --> 00:35:16,687 "Suck my dick, Eddie. 584 00:35:17,264 --> 00:35:19,926 "You motherfucker." 585 00:35:21,135 --> 00:35:24,969 Then I'd be on the front page of the African Enquirer like this: 586 00:35:26,840 --> 00:35:29,434 So be careful. Don't get caught in a trap. 587 00:35:29,610 --> 00:35:31,976 Any woman can get any man she wants 588 00:35:32,146 --> 00:35:35,309 if she puts her mind and pussy to it. They can have you. 589 00:35:35,482 --> 00:35:38,508 They have figured us out. We're very easy creatures to figure out. 590 00:35:38,685 --> 00:35:41,313 And women know all they have to do is cater to our egos enough 591 00:35:41,488 --> 00:35:44,457 and they can have you. Guys, how many times have you fucked 592 00:35:44,625 --> 00:35:48,083 some ugly bitch that just kept hanging around and you had to fuck her? 593 00:35:48,262 --> 00:35:51,459 And then afterwards you be like this, "l can't believe I fucked this bitch." 594 00:35:51,632 --> 00:35:53,190 They just cater to your ego. 595 00:35:53,367 --> 00:35:54,925 Sometimes you'll see a real ugly bitch 596 00:35:55,102 --> 00:35:57,127 with a handsome dude. You say, "How that happen?" 597 00:35:57,304 --> 00:35:58,862 Dude's going, "Yeah, how that happen?" 598 00:35:59,039 --> 00:36:02,475 Because she catered to his ego. They can figure us out. 599 00:36:02,643 --> 00:36:04,941 Guys, don't get trapped. We'll call them "pussy traps". 600 00:36:05,112 --> 00:36:06,374 Let's call them pussy traps. 601 00:36:06,547 --> 00:36:08,276 It's a trap. They trap you with the pussy. 602 00:36:08,448 --> 00:36:10,746 They catch you with the pussy, see. And it's a trap. 603 00:36:10,918 --> 00:36:13,079 The most common trap is to not give you any, though. 604 00:36:13,253 --> 00:36:15,244 Don't think, "Maybe you're gonna put a trap on." 605 00:36:15,422 --> 00:36:18,482 The most common is when you ain't getting any at all, that's the trap. 606 00:36:18,659 --> 00:36:20,786 When you meet a woman and everything is perfect 607 00:36:20,961 --> 00:36:23,191 and she won't do anything, it's a trap. 608 00:36:23,363 --> 00:36:26,457 Sometimes it backfires, because a lot of women play these games with sex. 609 00:36:26,633 --> 00:36:30,000 And ladies like sex just as much as we do, guys, but they act like they don't. 610 00:36:30,170 --> 00:36:32,695 But they do. There's not a woman... 611 00:36:32,873 --> 00:36:34,204 There's not a woman in this room 612 00:36:34,374 --> 00:36:37,275 that wouldn't rather be somewhere else with a nice stiff one in them. 613 00:36:37,444 --> 00:36:40,106 Don't you let them fool you. 614 00:36:41,215 --> 00:36:44,707 They like it just as much as us. See, ladies sitting there going: 615 00:36:44,885 --> 00:36:46,944 "That's true. 616 00:36:47,521 --> 00:36:50,183 "He's funny, but he's not that funny. 617 00:36:50,357 --> 00:36:53,190 "I'll take a dick over a smile any day. Yes, I will." 618 00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:55,828 They like it just as much as us, but they play these games. 619 00:36:55,996 --> 00:36:57,588 Know where it backfires on you, ladies? 620 00:36:57,764 --> 00:36:59,891 When you go meet a guy, he wants you, you want him, 621 00:37:00,067 --> 00:37:01,830 you like each other, everything is perfect, 622 00:37:02,002 --> 00:37:03,663 but you won't do anything. He say, "Let's go." 623 00:37:03,837 --> 00:37:05,964 You say, "No, I'm not gonna do it." And after that, 624 00:37:06,139 --> 00:37:10,075 he don't like you no more. But he still wants to fuck you. 625 00:37:10,244 --> 00:37:13,907 So he waits. He be like, "Okay, I'll wait. 626 00:37:14,248 --> 00:37:16,978 "Goodnight." And you wait. 627 00:37:17,150 --> 00:37:18,708 You wait three months. 628 00:37:18,886 --> 00:37:21,286 Then you finally get it and she's like this, "I'm yours." 629 00:37:21,455 --> 00:37:23,889 And you go, "Fuck you, bitch!" 630 00:37:26,126 --> 00:37:29,687 "Fuck you and your pussy. Get the fuck out of my face." 631 00:37:31,899 --> 00:37:33,161 Be careful. Don't get trapped. 632 00:37:33,333 --> 00:37:35,494 The most common trap is to not give you any. 633 00:37:35,669 --> 00:37:37,500 Let me hear the men clap that are with women 634 00:37:37,671 --> 00:37:40,663 that you've never slept with before. Let me hear you clap, truthfully. 635 00:37:41,975 --> 00:37:43,772 Look at the ladies going, "Stop clapping." 636 00:37:43,944 --> 00:37:46,412 Shame on you. You should've fucked them. Clap. Clap louder. 637 00:37:46,580 --> 00:37:48,309 Shame on you. Y'all should've fucked them. 638 00:37:48,482 --> 00:37:50,416 These men like you and you just won't do it, 639 00:37:50,584 --> 00:37:53,314 because you're trying to trap... Guys, don't be hurt. She likes you. 640 00:37:53,487 --> 00:37:56,149 This is what is going on inside your house every night. 641 00:37:56,323 --> 00:37:59,315 "Baby, come on, now, please." She go, "No, stop it. Stop it. Stop." 642 00:37:59,493 --> 00:38:02,223 "Baby, come on. Would you stop?" "Oh, stop. Can we please stop? 643 00:38:02,396 --> 00:38:03,658 "Are we gonna go too far?" 644 00:38:03,830 --> 00:38:05,695 "l want it to go too far. Come on now, baby." 645 00:38:05,866 --> 00:38:09,700 "We could... Stop. I just don't think the time is right." 646 00:38:11,238 --> 00:38:14,332 "Well, my dick don't get much harder than this. 647 00:38:16,743 --> 00:38:18,802 "l been waiting three months. What's the problem?" 648 00:38:18,979 --> 00:38:20,571 "l don't wanna fuck. I wanna make love. 649 00:38:20,747 --> 00:38:24,080 "I've had too many relationships that didn't work out. You're special to me. 650 00:38:24,251 --> 00:38:26,310 "l know all the girls do everything that you want. 651 00:38:26,486 --> 00:38:29,478 "And I don't wanna go through... Why are you doing this...?" 652 00:38:29,656 --> 00:38:33,422 And men see those tears and we be, "OK. 653 00:38:35,529 --> 00:38:37,929 "We don't have to do nothing." 654 00:38:38,265 --> 00:38:41,029 Then you go out and your friends be, "Yo, man, you fuck her yet?" 655 00:38:41,201 --> 00:38:42,634 "No." 656 00:38:44,037 --> 00:38:47,165 "Why not?" "She's special. 657 00:38:47,474 --> 00:38:50,170 "She said she don't wanna fuck, she wanna make love." 658 00:38:50,344 --> 00:38:53,279 Which is bullshit. I mean, fucking and making love, let's be real. 659 00:38:53,447 --> 00:38:57,178 I mean, the physical act... I like to fuck somebody I'm in love with. 660 00:38:57,351 --> 00:39:00,616 But I ain't making love to nobody. I get into bed... 661 00:39:00,988 --> 00:39:03,047 I get into bed... 662 00:39:03,523 --> 00:39:05,423 I get into bed... 663 00:39:05,592 --> 00:39:08,117 When you get into bed, would you rather have somebody say: 664 00:39:08,295 --> 00:39:09,557 "Oh, make love to me" 665 00:39:09,730 --> 00:39:13,222 or grab the back of your head and say, "Fuck the shit out of me. 666 00:39:16,370 --> 00:39:18,235 "You motherfucker. 667 00:39:18,405 --> 00:39:21,772 "Just fuck, mother... Fuck me, goddamn it." 668 00:39:21,942 --> 00:39:23,534 You want somebody in the bed with you: 669 00:39:23,710 --> 00:39:27,146 "Oh, darling, I want to make love to you." That type of shit. 670 00:39:33,487 --> 00:39:35,648 "You a motherfucker..." 671 00:39:38,058 --> 00:39:41,357 I'm a realist. But they'll tell you, "l don't wanna fuck, I wanna make love." 672 00:39:41,528 --> 00:39:44,588 And they make you wait. And you wait and wait and wait and wait. 673 00:39:44,765 --> 00:39:49,702 And you just keep on waiting, you just wait and finally she gives you some. 674 00:39:49,870 --> 00:39:52,430 And it's the best you ever had in your life. 675 00:39:52,773 --> 00:39:55,264 You come harder than you've ever came. 676 00:39:55,442 --> 00:39:59,845 "This was it. This was the feeling I've been searching for. I finally made love." 677 00:40:00,013 --> 00:40:02,811 You didn't make love. It just felt real good. You know why? 678 00:40:02,983 --> 00:40:05,975 Because you waited five months for it. 679 00:40:07,421 --> 00:40:11,653 If you're starving and somebody throw you a cracker, 680 00:40:11,825 --> 00:40:13,087 you gonna be like this: 681 00:40:13,260 --> 00:40:15,728 "Goddamn, that's the best cracker I ever ate in my life! 682 00:40:16,797 --> 00:40:19,527 "That ain't no regular cracker, was it? What was that, a Saltine? 683 00:40:19,699 --> 00:40:20,996 "Goddamn, that was delicious. 684 00:40:21,168 --> 00:40:24,399 "That wasn't no Saltine. That was... That was a Ritz. That wasn't a Ritz? 685 00:40:24,571 --> 00:40:27,165 "God, that was the best cracker I ever ate in my life. 686 00:40:27,340 --> 00:40:29,672 "Can I have another one, please? Please, one more." 687 00:40:30,077 --> 00:40:33,046 Then you get married, because you think you've found the bomb. 688 00:40:33,213 --> 00:40:36,614 Have the same crackers every day for a year. 689 00:40:36,783 --> 00:40:38,751 And you roll over one day and be like: 690 00:40:38,919 --> 00:40:43,253 "Hey, I just got some regular old crackers." 691 00:40:44,057 --> 00:40:46,617 Try to leave? Half! 692 00:40:47,094 --> 00:40:50,063 So be careful. Marry someone that's not gonna fool around on you. 693 00:40:50,230 --> 00:40:51,822 Which would be hard to do in the '80s, 694 00:40:51,998 --> 00:40:54,159 because everybody's fucking each other nowadays. 695 00:40:54,334 --> 00:40:56,199 It's like Fuckfest '87. 696 00:40:56,369 --> 00:40:59,270 Everybody... Everybody is fucking and it really... It's getting bad. 697 00:40:59,439 --> 00:41:02,533 Let me hear the women clap that are loyal to their men, truthfully. 698 00:41:02,709 --> 00:41:04,506 Let me hear you clap. 699 00:41:07,380 --> 00:41:10,838 OK, now, let me hear... Let me hear the women clap that have men 700 00:41:11,017 --> 00:41:14,418 that are loyal to them, truthfully. 701 00:41:19,359 --> 00:41:22,988 Yeah, I see. Y'all some disillusioned ladies clapping right now. 702 00:41:24,431 --> 00:41:25,989 Let me hear the men clap. 703 00:41:26,166 --> 00:41:29,693 Let me hear the men clap that are loyal to their women. 704 00:41:31,905 --> 00:41:35,966 Stop. You lying motherfuckers, stop. 705 00:41:36,143 --> 00:41:39,874 Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass. 706 00:41:40,046 --> 00:41:43,072 Fuck, there ain't no such thing as a loyal man, you lying motherfuckers. 707 00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:46,185 Stop it. Yeah, the only reason you're clapping is because your woman's 708 00:41:46,353 --> 00:41:49,254 sitting next to you right now when I asked you. 709 00:41:52,259 --> 00:41:55,285 When I asked the question, she looked at you like this: 710 00:41:59,399 --> 00:42:01,833 "You gonna put your hands together? 711 00:42:02,602 --> 00:42:05,696 "You better stomp your feet and light a match for this pussy, goddamn it. 712 00:42:05,872 --> 00:42:09,603 "Stand up and clap. Stand your ass up and clap." 713 00:42:12,345 --> 00:42:14,905 "She's number one!" 714 00:42:15,081 --> 00:42:17,049 Get the fuck out. No such thing as a loyal man. 715 00:42:17,217 --> 00:42:19,879 Ladies, do not be fooled. I know some men have some strong raps 716 00:42:20,053 --> 00:42:22,214 and they'll have you believing it. No loyal men. 717 00:42:22,489 --> 00:42:23,854 All men fuck other women. 718 00:42:24,024 --> 00:42:27,983 We are low by nature and have to do it. 719 00:42:28,161 --> 00:42:30,595 We are men. All men do it. 720 00:42:30,764 --> 00:42:34,291 We have to do it. We are men. It is a man thing. 721 00:42:34,467 --> 00:42:38,369 Men must find and conquer as much pussy as they can get. 722 00:42:38,538 --> 00:42:41,701 Do not think for two seconds that you are the only one your man is fucking. 723 00:42:41,875 --> 00:42:44,139 He is a man and has to conquer women. 724 00:42:44,311 --> 00:42:46,575 I see a lot of you good women sitting out there going: 725 00:42:46,746 --> 00:42:49,715 "Not my man." Yes, your man too. 726 00:42:50,850 --> 00:42:52,442 Your man too. 727 00:42:52,619 --> 00:42:56,316 If he's not here with you tonight, he fucking somebody. 728 00:42:57,190 --> 00:43:00,057 Because he is a man. It has nothing to do with you. 729 00:43:00,227 --> 00:43:01,922 You can have the best pussy in the world. 730 00:43:02,095 --> 00:43:06,293 There can be a cape hanging out your pussy with a big S on it. 731 00:43:06,833 --> 00:43:09,927 Your man's still gonna go fuck somebody else, because he is a man. 732 00:43:10,103 --> 00:43:12,298 It is a dick thing. Do not try to understand it. 733 00:43:12,472 --> 00:43:15,305 You have to have a dick to understand this. We are men. 734 00:43:15,642 --> 00:43:18,270 I know a lot of guys sitting out there right now like this too: 735 00:43:18,445 --> 00:43:20,743 "Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man! 736 00:43:29,356 --> 00:43:32,519 "l ain't spent all my money for this, motherfucker!" 737 00:43:32,692 --> 00:43:35,627 You gonna be driving home tonight with your wife in the car like this: 738 00:43:35,795 --> 00:43:39,026 "You don't really be fooling around like Eddie Murphy say you do, do you?" 739 00:43:50,210 --> 00:43:53,111 "No, baby. That's just jokes. 740 00:43:55,348 --> 00:43:58,010 "That Ed sure is funny, ain't he? 741 00:43:58,251 --> 00:44:01,220 "Why don't we change the subject. Let's talk about something different. 742 00:44:01,388 --> 00:44:05,017 "l don't wanna talk about this stuff." "l do wanna talk about this stuff. 743 00:44:05,191 --> 00:44:07,921 "Why does he have to lie to me? I think he was telling the truth. 744 00:44:08,094 --> 00:44:11,029 "lf you fooled around, I would be so hurt and disgusted, I would wait 745 00:44:11,197 --> 00:44:14,257 "until you went to sleep, I would come inside the room and kill you." 746 00:44:14,701 --> 00:44:18,967 - Thanks, Eddie! - We love you! 747 00:44:19,606 --> 00:44:22,006 "Yeah, that Ed sure is funny. 748 00:44:22,175 --> 00:44:24,040 "l ain't got to worry. As much as I love you, 749 00:44:24,210 --> 00:44:27,543 "l wouldn't fool around. Let's talk about the Richard Pryor." 750 00:44:27,714 --> 00:44:29,545 "l don't wanna talk about the Richard Pryor. 751 00:44:29,716 --> 00:44:32,014 "l wanna talk about this, because if you fooled around, 752 00:44:32,185 --> 00:44:33,812 "l would be so hurt, you know what I would do?" 753 00:44:33,987 --> 00:44:36,217 "What would you do, baby, take half?" 754 00:44:40,093 --> 00:44:41,685 "No, I'd wait till you went to sleep 755 00:44:41,861 --> 00:44:45,092 "and I'd come inside the room and cut your dick off." 756 00:44:50,337 --> 00:44:53,272 "Don't be talking about cutting off my dick." 757 00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:56,273 "Well, you don't be putting your dick in nobody else, then." 758 00:44:56,443 --> 00:45:00,539 "Well, I don't play that shit. You cut off my dick, you better run, goddamn it. 759 00:45:00,714 --> 00:45:02,443 "Stop making them dick threats." 760 00:45:02,615 --> 00:45:04,480 The woman's favorite... Y'all always make... 761 00:45:04,651 --> 00:45:07,381 The woman's favorite threat is, "I'll do something to your dick." 762 00:45:07,554 --> 00:45:10,284 "lf a man do this, I kick him in his nuts. A man put his hands... 763 00:45:10,457 --> 00:45:13,290 "Don't you put your hands on me, I'm gonna kick you where it hurts." 764 00:45:13,460 --> 00:45:17,658 Dick threats. Y'all don't realize how sensitive nuts are, do you? 765 00:45:18,131 --> 00:45:20,656 Men don't like to hear a threat like that. You hear somebody: 766 00:45:20,834 --> 00:45:23,268 "I'll kick you in the nuts." It make you wince, be like: 767 00:45:23,436 --> 00:45:25,597 "Change the subject, please." 768 00:45:25,905 --> 00:45:28,465 You don't have to kick no nuts to hurt nobody. 769 00:45:28,641 --> 00:45:31,701 You could just graze nuts. 770 00:45:32,379 --> 00:45:34,472 And the man would be fucked up. 771 00:45:34,647 --> 00:45:37,878 And that pain is worse, because it don't set in for, like, ten seconds. 772 00:45:38,051 --> 00:45:40,042 You be wondering if it's gonna hurt. 773 00:45:40,220 --> 00:45:44,156 You say, "l wonder, did that hit my nuts, just...?" 774 00:45:47,694 --> 00:45:50,527 There's no getting around it. "I'll kick you in your nuts." 775 00:45:50,697 --> 00:45:52,688 You don't have to kick. You could just graze it. 776 00:45:52,866 --> 00:45:55,391 Y'all do that... You ever have a woman play-fight with you? 777 00:45:55,568 --> 00:45:57,627 Your man get serious when they threaten your dick. 778 00:45:57,804 --> 00:45:59,499 You be, "Hey, baby, come on." And she go: 779 00:45:59,672 --> 00:46:02,232 You say, "Hey, hey, hey. 780 00:46:04,110 --> 00:46:06,544 "l think playtime is over. 781 00:46:06,813 --> 00:46:09,714 "Getting a little crazy." That's why men don't like to handle babies. 782 00:46:09,883 --> 00:46:13,717 Them little babies with them high-top white shoes on 783 00:46:13,887 --> 00:46:16,378 with the real hard bottoms. When they about 1 years old, 784 00:46:16,556 --> 00:46:18,751 you pick them up and their leg muscles be strong 785 00:46:18,925 --> 00:46:21,120 and they stomp you in the nuts with both feet. 786 00:46:21,294 --> 00:46:24,024 And both of y'all be dribbling. You be like: 787 00:46:27,233 --> 00:46:29,098 And their mother think you talking baby talk. 788 00:46:29,269 --> 00:46:32,033 "Oh, that's so cute, the way they talking." 789 00:46:33,139 --> 00:46:35,869 "Yeah, go to your mother, please." "What's the matter, he stink?" 790 00:46:36,042 --> 00:46:38,636 "No, I'm about to throw this motherfucker someplace. 791 00:46:38,812 --> 00:46:42,873 "Get a little older, I'm gonna kick you in your nuts, see how you like it." 792 00:46:43,383 --> 00:46:46,580 "l kick him in his nuts." Always talking about kicking somebody in the nuts. 793 00:46:46,753 --> 00:46:49,278 You know what, ladies? I had a woman ask me the other day: 794 00:46:49,456 --> 00:46:52,254 "You know why I say my thing? I wanna know why all men fool around. 795 00:46:52,425 --> 00:46:54,689 "Why, why, why? I do everything my man wants me to do 796 00:46:54,861 --> 00:46:58,262 "and he still fools around. Why? I cook, I clean, I fuck. 797 00:46:58,431 --> 00:47:00,490 "l come and go as he says. Why, why, why?" 798 00:47:00,667 --> 00:47:02,658 Then you call up your girlfriends and go, "Why?" 799 00:47:02,836 --> 00:47:04,394 She go, "l don't know. My man ain't home." "Why?" 800 00:47:04,571 --> 00:47:06,129 Then you call up your mother and say, "Mama, why?" 801 00:47:06,306 --> 00:47:08,774 She go, "l don't know, your father ain't home." "Why? Why?" 802 00:47:09,008 --> 00:47:12,034 I'll tell you why all men fool around. 803 00:47:12,212 --> 00:47:14,874 - Why? - Hear the ladies go, "Why?" 804 00:47:15,048 --> 00:47:17,073 Men fool around because of this. 805 00:47:17,250 --> 00:47:20,913 Look at all the women in the audience right now looking up here like this: 806 00:47:24,924 --> 00:47:28,155 We fool around because we figured women out. 807 00:47:29,596 --> 00:47:31,530 We did. See, a lot of you ladies going: 808 00:47:31,698 --> 00:47:33,359 "What does he mean, he figured us out?" 809 00:47:33,533 --> 00:47:36,969 And dumb niggas going, "Yeah, what does he mean, we figured them out?" 810 00:47:38,104 --> 00:47:40,231 We figured you out in this sense, and this is true. 811 00:47:40,406 --> 00:47:43,898 Anybody's ever done this will agree with what I'm saying. 812 00:47:44,077 --> 00:47:47,137 Any woman that's ever had this done to her will agree what I'm gonna say. 813 00:47:47,313 --> 00:47:49,713 Those of you who've never done this will go, "l disagree." 814 00:47:49,883 --> 00:47:54,149 But once you make a woman come real hard, 815 00:47:54,454 --> 00:47:56,945 once you make a woman say: 816 00:47:57,824 --> 00:48:00,918 No matter how bad you fuck up, no matter what you do wrong, 817 00:48:01,094 --> 00:48:04,552 no matter what you say, no matter what you do, as long as you say: 818 00:48:04,731 --> 00:48:08,758 "I'm sorry," she will listen to your story. And that's the truth. 819 00:48:08,935 --> 00:48:14,669 That's the God's honest truth. It is the truth. Stop it. It's the truth. 820 00:48:14,841 --> 00:48:17,674 It is the truth. And, ladies, as soon as y'all make that noise, 821 00:48:17,844 --> 00:48:20,369 your relationship will change with your man. Because we know. 822 00:48:20,547 --> 00:48:22,310 We wait on that noise. We waiting on it. 823 00:48:22,482 --> 00:48:25,610 Because we know we can act different as soon as you go: 824 00:48:26,019 --> 00:48:29,045 We know we can act the fool then. Remember when your man 825 00:48:29,222 --> 00:48:32,214 couldn't make it, he would call? No more of that shit. He heard you go: 826 00:48:32,392 --> 00:48:34,792 Remember he wanted to spend all his free time with you? No more of that. 827 00:48:34,961 --> 00:48:36,792 You made that noise. Your man can act crazy. 828 00:48:36,963 --> 00:48:38,828 We know as soon as you go: 829 00:48:38,998 --> 00:48:42,957 Our face is in the pillow like this, "l got this motherfucker now, boy." 830 00:48:43,136 --> 00:48:44,398 Then you start talking to her: 831 00:48:44,571 --> 00:48:46,539 "Whose pussy is this? Whose pussy is this?" 832 00:48:46,706 --> 00:48:48,469 "Oh, it's your pussy! It's your pussy!" 833 00:48:54,147 --> 00:48:56,274 And your relationship changes from that moment. 834 00:48:56,449 --> 00:48:58,349 The woman be sitting on the bed, legs shaking: 835 00:48:58,518 --> 00:49:00,110 "Oh, my God. Oh, I can't believe it. 836 00:49:00,286 --> 00:49:02,447 "l never came like that before. I can't believe it." 837 00:49:02,622 --> 00:49:04,647 And their man get real cold, saying shit like: 838 00:49:04,824 --> 00:49:06,985 "Why don't you shake your ass home." 839 00:49:08,127 --> 00:49:10,755 "What are you talking about? Why are you treating me like this? 840 00:49:10,930 --> 00:49:12,420 "We have a relationship." 841 00:49:12,599 --> 00:49:14,624 "You don't own me." 842 00:49:23,109 --> 00:49:24,838 "What do you mean? We have a relationship. 843 00:49:25,011 --> 00:49:26,569 "l thought that we go together." 844 00:49:26,746 --> 00:49:29,237 "l don't see no rings on your finger." 845 00:49:30,883 --> 00:49:32,748 "But I love you!" 846 00:49:32,919 --> 00:49:35,649 "Well, what have you done for me lately?" 847 00:49:42,729 --> 00:49:43,991 And y'all put up with it. 848 00:49:44,263 --> 00:49:46,527 Y'all start putting up with all kinds of crazy shit. 849 00:49:46,699 --> 00:49:48,894 I guess it's hard to find somebody that knows 850 00:49:49,068 --> 00:49:51,366 how to do it to you right, because when y'all find one, 851 00:49:51,537 --> 00:49:54,005 y'all stick through that man through all kinds of bullshit. 852 00:49:54,173 --> 00:49:56,698 I know a man got busted coming out of another woman's house. 853 00:49:56,876 --> 00:49:58,468 Show you how far a woman will stoop. 854 00:49:58,645 --> 00:50:00,875 He got busted coming out of another woman's house. 855 00:50:01,047 --> 00:50:02,309 His woman saw him come out, 856 00:50:02,482 --> 00:50:04,712 knew that the woman lived there and didn't say shit. 857 00:50:04,884 --> 00:50:06,283 Wait till they got home and said: 858 00:50:06,452 --> 00:50:08,386 "What the hell was you doing in that bitch's house?" 859 00:50:08,554 --> 00:50:11,489 You know what the man said? "Wasn't me." 860 00:50:13,426 --> 00:50:15,917 "l looked right in your face!" 861 00:50:16,963 --> 00:50:18,692 "Wasn't me." 862 00:50:19,032 --> 00:50:20,727 "Well, I'm supposed to be a fool, right?" 863 00:50:20,900 --> 00:50:22,458 "Hey. 864 00:50:22,869 --> 00:50:24,598 "Wasn't me." 865 00:50:26,639 --> 00:50:30,507 You know what the woman said? "Maybe it wasn't you." 866 00:50:33,780 --> 00:50:37,614 I got a friend got busted in his house, in his bed, 867 00:50:37,784 --> 00:50:41,117 where him and his wife sleep, with another woman, fucking! 868 00:50:41,287 --> 00:50:43,812 His wife walked inside the house, opened up the bedroom door, 869 00:50:43,990 --> 00:50:46,424 saw her man in her bed with another woman, fucking. 870 00:50:46,592 --> 00:50:48,560 She walks in: 871 00:50:49,362 --> 00:50:51,353 The man jumped up, saw his woman standing there. 872 00:50:51,531 --> 00:50:54,500 She ran down the hallway. Chased his woman down the hallway butt naked 873 00:50:54,667 --> 00:50:57,500 with a rock-hard dick, talking about, "I'm sorry." 874 00:50:58,137 --> 00:51:00,469 This sound like a tragedy, right? No, it was like this: 875 00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,540 "Baby, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 876 00:51:02,709 --> 00:51:04,734 "Baby, look. Whoa, hold on. Wait, we got to talk. 877 00:51:04,911 --> 00:51:06,640 "Baby, I am sorry." "No, you're not sorry. 878 00:51:06,813 --> 00:51:09,213 "l can't believe you did this. You have no respect for me. 879 00:51:09,382 --> 00:51:11,247 "Get the fuck... Don't you fucking touch me." 880 00:51:11,417 --> 00:51:13,044 "Wait, baby, I am sorry. Wait a second." 881 00:51:13,219 --> 00:51:15,380 "No, if you're sorry, you wouldn't have fucked her!" 882 00:51:15,555 --> 00:51:17,580 And then you change the shit around. Right, guys? 883 00:51:17,757 --> 00:51:19,918 "OK, wait a minute! 884 00:51:20,326 --> 00:51:22,817 "Wait one second, goddamn it! 885 00:51:23,830 --> 00:51:25,593 "Yes, I fucked her, yes. 886 00:51:26,299 --> 00:51:28,824 "ls that what you want me to say? I fucked her? I fucked her. 887 00:51:29,001 --> 00:51:31,936 "We fucked, all right? You happy now? We fucked! 888 00:51:32,105 --> 00:51:35,006 "Now, let's talk about the word 'fuck' for a minute. 889 00:51:35,408 --> 00:51:38,866 "Because that's a very important word here. Fuck, yes, we did. 890 00:51:39,045 --> 00:51:42,446 "Fuck. I fucked her. 891 00:51:43,116 --> 00:51:45,311 "l make love to you. 892 00:51:56,295 --> 00:52:00,459 "And if you gonna let a fuck come between our love, 893 00:52:00,733 --> 00:52:03,463 "there's something really wrong happening here, baby." 894 00:52:06,172 --> 00:52:07,833 Bullshit. 895 00:52:09,809 --> 00:52:11,276 That's the only reason why it works. 896 00:52:11,444 --> 00:52:13,571 Now, guys, I see a lot of y'all feeling real macho, 897 00:52:13,746 --> 00:52:16,044 because you may have heard your woman make that noise 898 00:52:16,215 --> 00:52:18,115 and you think you are in control of your shit. 899 00:52:18,284 --> 00:52:20,616 But I told you a half-hour ago, women are vindictive. 900 00:52:20,787 --> 00:52:24,518 Don't you think for two seconds that if you keep breaking this woman's heart, 901 00:52:24,690 --> 00:52:28,421 your sweet, innocent, little, sweet, loving, darling woman, 902 00:52:28,594 --> 00:52:31,358 she eventually will go out and fuck someone else. 903 00:52:31,531 --> 00:52:35,365 Don't think she won't. Don't think she won't. 904 00:52:36,235 --> 00:52:39,762 Look, all the men's faces, they're like this now: 905 00:52:43,342 --> 00:52:45,776 And men don't like to picture their woman fucking nobody. 906 00:52:45,945 --> 00:52:48,436 That's taboo. Watch the guy's faces. Ladies, look at them. 907 00:52:48,614 --> 00:52:52,209 Guys, picture your woman fucking your best friend. 908 00:52:52,752 --> 00:52:54,743 Look at them, they're: 909 00:52:57,890 --> 00:53:00,017 Hey, your woman is like this: 910 00:53:04,163 --> 00:53:06,529 I gotta tell you, be careful. And women ain't like us. 911 00:53:06,699 --> 00:53:08,257 It's not their nature to fool around. 912 00:53:08,434 --> 00:53:10,800 Like, we'll go out and sneak out to the hotel 913 00:53:10,970 --> 00:53:13,905 and have to wash your dick in the sink and all that shit. 914 00:53:14,073 --> 00:53:16,473 Women gonna do it classy. They don't fuck around like us. 915 00:53:16,642 --> 00:53:19,270 It's like, "Hey, I don't do this often, I'm gonna do it right." 916 00:53:19,445 --> 00:53:21,140 Know when your woman's gonna fool around? 917 00:53:21,314 --> 00:53:23,908 You keep messing her over, eventually she says shit like this: 918 00:53:24,083 --> 00:53:27,541 "You know, I think I'm gonna go to the Bahamas by myself for the weekend." 919 00:53:30,089 --> 00:53:31,681 And you say, "You want me to go with you?" 920 00:53:31,858 --> 00:53:34,588 She goes, "No, just me and my girlfriends are going. 921 00:53:36,162 --> 00:53:38,153 "Just me and my friends." 922 00:53:39,565 --> 00:53:40,896 And we so stupid, 923 00:53:41,067 --> 00:53:44,503 we start thinking about all the pussy we can get while she gone. 924 00:53:46,472 --> 00:53:48,303 "You gonna go by yourself?" "Yes." 925 00:53:48,474 --> 00:53:50,135 "OK." 926 00:53:50,309 --> 00:53:53,836 And send your woman off to the romantic Bahamas by herself? 927 00:53:54,013 --> 00:53:55,605 By herself to the Bahamas? 928 00:53:55,948 --> 00:53:58,678 She's walking on the beach, she laid out all day and got a tan, 929 00:53:58,851 --> 00:54:01,251 your woman is fine and got her body looking right, 930 00:54:01,420 --> 00:54:03,650 she's walking on the beach, crying, in the Bahamas. 931 00:54:03,823 --> 00:54:05,154 Lovers on the beach making love. 932 00:54:05,324 --> 00:54:08,919 She's all by herself, walking along, feeling sad, thinking about you 933 00:54:09,095 --> 00:54:11,359 and everybody's real romantic. The motion of the ocean 934 00:54:11,530 --> 00:54:14,988 is shimmying off... The moon is shimmying off the ocean. 935 00:54:15,167 --> 00:54:17,362 Your woman's standing, looking at it and crying. 936 00:54:17,536 --> 00:54:21,597 And all of a sudden, a dude named Dexter walks up. 937 00:54:24,010 --> 00:54:26,444 Dexter St. Jock. 938 00:54:27,413 --> 00:54:30,109 He walk up swinging his dick. 939 00:54:34,654 --> 00:54:36,713 Then he do that smooth Bahamas shit on your woman. 940 00:54:36,889 --> 00:54:41,383 "What a beautiful girl like you doing by herself on the island of love? 941 00:54:42,395 --> 00:54:43,692 "This is the island for lovers. 942 00:54:43,863 --> 00:54:45,592 "You should be being held right now, girl. 943 00:54:45,765 --> 00:54:47,733 "What you crying about?" 944 00:54:48,901 --> 00:54:50,801 "I'm having some problems with my boyfriend, 945 00:54:50,970 --> 00:54:52,995 "so I came down here to think it over." 946 00:54:53,172 --> 00:54:54,764 "Tell me what hotel your man's staying. 947 00:54:54,941 --> 00:54:57,466 "l tell him that you treat a woman like you like a princess. 948 00:54:57,643 --> 00:55:01,272 "lf you were my woman, I make love to you constantly. 949 00:55:02,448 --> 00:55:04,075 "What hotel this man staying in?" 950 00:55:04,417 --> 00:55:07,352 "Well, he's back in New York." 951 00:55:08,287 --> 00:55:10,448 "ls that right? 952 00:55:15,494 --> 00:55:18,019 "Well, listen, girl. Won't you come back around my place? 953 00:55:18,197 --> 00:55:20,597 "We sit down and talk it over." 954 00:55:21,233 --> 00:55:23,667 "All we gonna do is talk?" 955 00:55:33,112 --> 00:55:34,602 He take your woman to his house 956 00:55:34,780 --> 00:55:37,977 and roll one of them big-ass Bahama joints. 957 00:55:38,150 --> 00:55:43,053 Shit this big and shit. Put some of that Bob Marley music on. 958 00:55:43,222 --> 00:55:45,053 And y'all know Bob be preaching this shit: 959 00:55:45,224 --> 00:55:48,785 Don't let him fool you Oh, no 960 00:55:52,031 --> 00:55:55,660 Or even try to school you Oh, yeah 961 00:55:55,835 --> 00:55:59,999 Could this be love? And be loved 962 00:56:00,172 --> 00:56:02,197 Dick swinging. 963 00:56:03,376 --> 00:56:07,369 Next thing you know, Dexter is fucking your woman. 964 00:56:07,546 --> 00:56:09,343 Well. 965 00:56:10,783 --> 00:56:13,911 Send your woman home floating on air. 966 00:56:14,186 --> 00:56:18,282 Walk through the door like this: I shot the sheriff 967 00:56:22,895 --> 00:56:25,193 We so stupid, we think it was the weather. We be going: 968 00:56:25,364 --> 00:56:27,730 "Hey, baby, you need to get away more often." 969 00:56:27,900 --> 00:56:29,765 And she be like this: 970 00:56:30,836 --> 00:56:32,997 And never tell you. It's her little secret. 971 00:56:33,172 --> 00:56:36,266 All women have a skeleton in the closet. 972 00:56:36,442 --> 00:56:38,967 All women have done something that only them 973 00:56:39,145 --> 00:56:42,512 and another person knows about. All women have one skeleton. 974 00:56:42,681 --> 00:56:45,673 Even the little, sweet, innocent ones have something that only them 975 00:56:45,851 --> 00:56:47,785 and another person knows about. All women. 976 00:56:47,953 --> 00:56:51,252 Don't be... Look at the guys, looking at their women again like this: 977 00:56:53,259 --> 00:56:55,193 "You got skeletons in your closet? 978 00:56:55,728 --> 00:56:58,891 "l thought I seen a bone in your shoe. Whose skeleton was that?" 979 00:56:59,732 --> 00:57:02,132 Don't be fooled. They all have a skeleton in their closet. 980 00:57:02,301 --> 00:57:06,203 Some of them got cemeteries in their closet and shit. 981 00:57:08,841 --> 00:57:12,436 You open the door and ravens and shit fly out of the closet. 982 00:57:12,611 --> 00:57:14,169 So be careful. Be careful. 983 00:57:14,346 --> 00:57:16,541 Get somebody you gonna be with forever. 984 00:57:16,715 --> 00:57:18,706 Find somebody perfect for you. 985 00:57:18,884 --> 00:57:21,717 I'm not saying they're perfect people. I'm saying we ain't perfect. 986 00:57:21,887 --> 00:57:24,856 Find somebody just as fucked up as you are and settle down. 987 00:57:25,224 --> 00:57:26,623 That's what you gotta do. 988 00:57:26,792 --> 00:57:30,228 If I ever get married, I got to marry somebody with personality. 989 00:57:30,396 --> 00:57:33,126 For instance, I hate those quiet, salad-eating bitches, 990 00:57:33,299 --> 00:57:34,698 those real quiet ones, you know. 991 00:57:34,867 --> 00:57:37,199 The kind of women, you take them out to dinner, you say: 992 00:57:37,369 --> 00:57:40,395 "Hey, what you wanna eat?" They go, "I'll just have a salad." 993 00:57:41,373 --> 00:57:43,603 And you hear their stomach going: 994 00:57:48,214 --> 00:57:51,411 "l don't know why my stomach is making that noise." 995 00:57:51,584 --> 00:57:53,779 "Because you're hungry, bitch." 996 00:57:54,186 --> 00:57:55,778 "Why don't you have something to eat?" 997 00:57:55,955 --> 00:57:59,118 "No, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. I'll just have a salad." 998 00:58:00,593 --> 00:58:03,687 "What you want to drink?" "Water." 999 00:58:04,597 --> 00:58:06,792 "What movie you wanna see after you finish eating?" 1000 00:58:06,966 --> 00:58:09,457 "Whatever you wanna see is OK with me. 1001 00:58:09,635 --> 00:58:13,036 "As long as it's a PG. I hate scary movies." 1002 00:58:13,539 --> 00:58:16,702 "This is my friend Bob and Karen." "Hi." 1003 00:58:16,876 --> 00:58:19,276 "What's your problem?" "I'm just a little shy." 1004 00:58:19,812 --> 00:58:21,780 Get your shy ass away from me. 1005 00:58:21,947 --> 00:58:25,041 I hate those shy bitches. They make me sick to my mother... 1006 00:58:25,217 --> 00:58:27,742 I hate shy... You know, those shy women, 1007 00:58:27,920 --> 00:58:31,788 those are usually the ones that have the most skeletons in their closet. 1008 00:58:33,592 --> 00:58:35,617 That's why they shy now. 1009 00:58:35,794 --> 00:58:38,854 Because they been raising hell all their life, now they shy. 1010 00:58:39,031 --> 00:58:41,056 Think about it. All them shy women that you meet, 1011 00:58:41,233 --> 00:58:42,962 they never from the town you meet them in. 1012 00:58:43,135 --> 00:58:44,466 They always from somewhere else. 1013 00:58:44,637 --> 00:58:47,071 Then they come to your town and get shy. 1014 00:58:47,239 --> 00:58:49,104 Get the fuck out of here. 1015 00:58:49,275 --> 00:58:51,175 They afraid to talk, because they think a bone 1016 00:58:51,343 --> 00:58:53,971 is gonna fly out their mouth or some shit. 1017 00:58:57,416 --> 00:58:59,316 "Hi. 1018 00:58:59,485 --> 00:59:01,385 "So many skeletons." 1019 00:59:04,423 --> 00:59:08,951 I hate shy women. I like extroverts, I like women with a sense of humor. 1020 00:59:09,128 --> 00:59:12,063 I like funny girls, funny women. 1021 00:59:12,464 --> 00:59:14,159 But you gotta be good-looking too. 1022 00:59:14,333 --> 00:59:17,666 I don't wanna fuck no funny, ugly bitch and shit. I'd have me in the bed going: 1023 00:59:17,836 --> 00:59:20,600 "Hey, baby, can you tell me some more jokes, please?" 1024 00:59:21,106 --> 00:59:22,368 Gotta be a good cook. 1025 00:59:22,541 --> 00:59:25,066 I didn't realize my mother was a good cook till after I moved out. 1026 00:59:25,244 --> 00:59:27,235 When you're a child, if your mother doesn't take you to McDonald's, 1027 00:59:27,413 --> 00:59:29,813 you don't think she can cook. I had one of those mothers, 1028 00:59:29,982 --> 00:59:32,450 no matter what you want, she has the ingredients at home. 1029 00:59:32,751 --> 00:59:35,982 You say, "Ma, I wanna stop and get some McDonald's." 1030 00:59:36,155 --> 00:59:38,817 And she go, "l got hamburger meat at home." 1031 00:59:39,291 --> 00:59:42,454 "But I want McDonald's hamburger." 1032 00:59:42,628 --> 00:59:45,062 "I'll make you a hamburger better than McDonald's." 1033 00:59:45,231 --> 00:59:47,665 "You cook better than McDonald's?" 1034 00:59:47,833 --> 00:59:50,165 "That's right. You can help Mama make it." 1035 00:59:50,336 --> 00:59:52,896 You say, "Shit, that's better than McDonald's." 1036 00:59:53,072 --> 00:59:55,404 Your mother say, "OK, go get me the big frying pan." 1037 00:59:55,574 --> 00:59:57,405 So you hand her the frying pan and she say: 1038 00:59:57,576 --> 00:59:59,976 "l want you to go in the refrigerator and get the meat 1039 01:00:00,145 --> 01:00:03,876 and while you in there, get me a green pepper and a onion." And you say: 1040 01:00:04,750 --> 01:00:07,742 "Ain't no green peppers at McDonald's." 1041 01:00:08,220 --> 01:00:10,211 "I'm not making McDonald's, I'm making Mama's burger. 1042 01:00:10,389 --> 01:00:13,051 "l need a green pepper and an onion and get me an egg out too." 1043 01:00:15,794 --> 01:00:18,285 "What you need eggs for? 1044 01:00:18,530 --> 01:00:20,930 "l want hamburgers. 1045 01:00:21,100 --> 01:00:23,762 "You making Egg McMuffins." 1046 01:00:27,373 --> 01:00:29,773 "I'm not making an Egg McMuffin. I don't know what no Egg McMuffin is. 1047 01:00:29,942 --> 01:00:31,341 Just get me the egg and shut your mouth." 1048 01:00:31,510 --> 01:00:33,068 She take the egg and the green peppers 1049 01:00:33,245 --> 01:00:35,076 and chop the peppers up in big chunks. 1050 01:00:35,247 --> 01:00:37,943 Don't even dice it. Big chunks of green peppers and onion 1051 01:00:38,117 --> 01:00:40,915 and mix the egg in and put paprika and all this shit in it 1052 01:00:41,086 --> 01:00:44,385 and make a big meatball and put it in the middle of this frying pan. 1053 01:00:44,556 --> 01:00:49,220 At McDonald's, the meat is this thin. Your mother's shit is like this or fatter. 1054 01:00:49,395 --> 01:00:51,260 Green peppers hanging out of it and shit. 1055 01:00:51,430 --> 01:00:54,331 And there's a big split in the middle and grease is popping out. 1056 01:00:54,500 --> 01:00:56,058 You're looking at it while it's popping. 1057 01:00:56,235 --> 01:00:58,430 You're looking at the grease in the pan and thinking: 1058 01:00:58,604 --> 01:01:00,162 "That don't look like no McDonald's." 1059 01:01:00,973 --> 01:01:04,306 Then your mother say, "Go inside the refrigerator and get me the bread 1060 01:01:04,476 --> 01:01:08,173 out of the bread box." And you go look in the bread box and you say: 1061 01:01:08,347 --> 01:01:11,145 "Ma, we don't have no hamburger buns. 1062 01:01:11,317 --> 01:01:13,785 "All we have is Wonder Bread." 1063 01:01:13,952 --> 01:01:17,444 "That's what I said. Get the bread out of the bread box." 1064 01:01:17,790 --> 01:01:20,759 "You gonna put it on square Wonder Bread?" 1065 01:01:20,926 --> 01:01:23,326 "Bread is bread. Bring me that bread before I slap you. 1066 01:01:23,495 --> 01:01:24,928 "Don't tell me about Wonder Bread. 1067 01:01:25,097 --> 01:01:27,725 "As much as that bread costs, don't tell me about Wonder Bread. 1068 01:01:27,900 --> 01:01:30,027 "This is Wonder Bread. A hamburger is a hamburger." 1069 01:01:30,202 --> 01:01:33,638 And she'd make it and put it in the middle of square Wonder Bread. 1070 01:01:33,806 --> 01:01:36,866 At McDonald's, they use buns, the meat covers the whole bread. 1071 01:01:37,042 --> 01:01:40,443 At your mother's, the meat's right in the middle of the bread, 1072 01:01:40,612 --> 01:01:42,204 with grease running through the middle, 1073 01:01:42,381 --> 01:01:44,110 making the bread stick to the plate. 1074 01:01:44,283 --> 01:01:46,114 This big green pepper is hanging out the top 1075 01:01:46,285 --> 01:01:47,718 of this big meatball on the bread. 1076 01:01:47,886 --> 01:01:51,253 And you try to put some ketchup on it and it mixes with the grease, 1077 01:01:51,423 --> 01:01:53,391 turn the bread into pink dough. 1078 01:01:54,193 --> 01:01:56,161 Then you grab it and get fingerprinted 1079 01:01:56,328 --> 01:01:58,660 and you got big, pink fingerprints in the dough. 1080 01:01:58,831 --> 01:02:02,096 You stand there looking at it and you try to make it look like McDonald's, 1081 01:02:02,267 --> 01:02:04,326 so you rip the edges off around it, make it round. 1082 01:02:04,503 --> 01:02:07,028 And you got green peppers and grease running down your hand. 1083 01:02:07,206 --> 01:02:10,039 And your mother say, "Now, go on outside and play." 1084 01:02:10,209 --> 01:02:11,870 And the other kids got McDonald's. 1085 01:02:12,044 --> 01:02:17,778 They outside going, "We got McDonald's hamburgers. 1086 01:02:17,950 --> 01:02:21,647 "McDonald's. McDonald's. 1087 01:02:21,820 --> 01:02:24,687 "l got McDonald's." 1088 01:02:25,858 --> 01:02:30,192 And you standing there with this big "house burger". 1089 01:02:30,362 --> 01:02:31,693 And kids are honest. 1090 01:02:31,864 --> 01:02:35,265 They say, "Where you get that big, welfare, green-pepper burger?" 1091 01:02:36,435 --> 01:02:37,697 And you cry. 1092 01:02:42,741 --> 01:02:45,767 "My mother made it." 1093 01:02:47,212 --> 01:02:49,737 And long slob... When little kids cry, 1094 01:02:49,915 --> 01:02:51,906 some long slob come out of their mouth 1095 01:02:52,084 --> 01:02:55,747 and it hangs this far to the ground. And it won't break. 1096 01:02:55,954 --> 01:02:58,252 And adults stand around going, "That slob gonna break?" 1097 01:02:58,424 --> 01:03:00,949 And it won't. The wind can blow that slob: 1098 01:03:02,294 --> 01:03:05,457 You know where you see kids crying? I do it all the time, I'm sadistic. 1099 01:03:05,631 --> 01:03:08,122 I like to go to supermarkets and watch mothers lose it 1100 01:03:08,300 --> 01:03:10,495 and beat the shit out of their kids. 1101 01:03:16,308 --> 01:03:17,570 Party at the Loft! 1102 01:03:17,743 --> 01:03:20,268 I was at the Loft. You know why I ain't dancing at the Loft? 1103 01:03:20,446 --> 01:03:22,471 I had just got over some shit. I go to parties... 1104 01:03:22,648 --> 01:03:26,448 I went to a white disco recently and I watched the white people dance. 1105 01:03:26,618 --> 01:03:29,451 Y'all... Y'all can't dance. 1106 01:03:31,223 --> 01:03:33,783 No, it's not... I'm not being racist. I mean, I mean... 1107 01:03:33,959 --> 01:03:35,859 It's like saying black people have thick lips. 1108 01:03:36,028 --> 01:03:38,087 That's not racist. It's true. We have thick lips 1109 01:03:38,263 --> 01:03:39,992 and white people can't dance. 1110 01:03:40,399 --> 01:03:43,425 And y'all be trying. Y'all be really... 1111 01:03:43,602 --> 01:03:46,298 Do y'all listen to the words or the beat? 1112 01:03:47,773 --> 01:03:51,334 Because y'all be... I really... I tell you, every time you see a black... 1113 01:03:51,510 --> 01:03:54,673 When you go to a white club, you see five or six brothers just standing. 1114 01:03:54,847 --> 01:03:56,542 You ask, "Why are those niggers in here?" 1115 01:03:56,715 --> 01:03:58,512 They watching y'all dance. 1116 01:03:58,917 --> 01:04:01,477 "Look at these crazy motherfuckers." 1117 01:04:01,653 --> 01:04:05,145 Y'all got one dance y'all can do. Y'all can do this shit, like this: 1118 01:04:09,995 --> 01:04:12,225 But y'all don't do no moves, it's just this: 1119 01:04:13,165 --> 01:04:16,259 Y'all do some shit like this, you be fucked up. You'd be: 1120 01:04:16,435 --> 01:04:18,460 "Oh, shit..." 1121 01:04:20,506 --> 01:04:22,906 And white people, y'all step on each other's feet. 1122 01:04:23,075 --> 01:04:25,236 Brothers, we go to the disco, get all fucked up, 1123 01:04:25,410 --> 01:04:27,275 you're stepping and hitting and... 1124 01:04:27,446 --> 01:04:29,971 Brothers got some dance. They be doing this with their heads. 1125 01:04:30,148 --> 01:04:31,877 Some shit like that. 1126 01:04:32,551 --> 01:04:36,078 If the white people do that, they'll kill each other. They be like: 1127 01:04:36,255 --> 01:04:37,745 "Sorry." 1128 01:04:38,857 --> 01:04:40,586 "Let's stick with this." 1129 01:04:42,694 --> 01:04:44,992 I was in the club, man. I stopped going... 1130 01:04:45,163 --> 01:04:47,654 I ain't dancing at the Loft because I had a fight recently 1131 01:04:47,833 --> 01:04:49,733 and I said I ain't dancing. I went to clubs... 1132 01:04:49,902 --> 01:04:52,234 People get drunk, go to clubs and start fighting. 1133 01:04:52,437 --> 01:04:53,870 I had a fight with an ltalian dude 1134 01:04:54,039 --> 01:04:56,269 right around the time Rocky came out. 1135 01:04:56,441 --> 01:05:00,207 Italians... White people, period, y'all go crazy after y'all see a Rocky movie 1136 01:05:00,379 --> 01:05:02,870 because y'all believe that shit. 1137 01:05:03,048 --> 01:05:05,608 Because the movies are so emotional and so real, 1138 01:05:05,784 --> 01:05:08,116 you sit there and go like, "Hey, this is real." 1139 01:05:08,287 --> 01:05:11,085 And Stallone have y'all white people pumped, especially ltalians. 1140 01:05:11,256 --> 01:05:14,350 After ltalians see Rocky, they come out the movie theater, they be like... 1141 01:05:14,526 --> 01:05:17,359 Italians are funny people, because they act like niggas. It's funny. 1142 01:05:17,529 --> 01:05:19,827 They do. They hold their dick more than us. 1143 01:05:19,998 --> 01:05:22,694 They be standing around, "Get the fuck out of here." 1144 01:05:28,440 --> 01:05:33,400 "It's right here, all right? What? Hey, fuck you, all right?" 1145 01:05:33,579 --> 01:05:36,707 Everything is a question too. "Hey, what am l, an asshole? 1146 01:05:36,882 --> 01:05:39,510 "What am l, a fucking jerk? Get the fuck out of here. 1147 01:05:39,685 --> 01:05:41,209 "It's right here, all right?" 1148 01:05:51,263 --> 01:05:53,857 After they see Rocky, they come out of the theater charged. 1149 01:05:54,032 --> 01:05:56,899 They be like, "All right, Rock-O! 1150 01:05:57,069 --> 01:05:58,934 "All right, Sly!" 1151 01:06:05,344 --> 01:06:09,007 "All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!" 1152 01:06:09,181 --> 01:06:11,149 Go up to the people standing on line and shit. 1153 01:06:11,350 --> 01:06:13,750 "Hey, paisan, you going in to see Rocky right now?" 1154 01:06:13,919 --> 01:06:17,855 "Yeah." "It's a great fucking movie. 1155 01:06:20,292 --> 01:06:21,589 "It's great. 1156 01:06:23,295 --> 01:06:25,286 "You gonna like this. When Sly comes out, 1157 01:06:25,464 --> 01:06:27,295 "he breaks this big fucking nigger's face. 1158 01:06:27,466 --> 01:06:29,024 "He busts it fucking wide open. 1159 01:06:29,201 --> 01:06:32,659 "Fucking melanzane laying on the floor, fucked up. 1160 01:06:34,439 --> 01:06:39,240 "It's fucking great. I fucking love it, man. All right, Rock-O! 1161 01:06:39,411 --> 01:06:41,879 "At the end of this picture, now, just between you and l, 1162 01:06:42,047 --> 01:06:45,744 "l don't wanna ruin the surprise, but Sly wins this one again." 1163 01:06:45,917 --> 01:06:47,908 "You know what I like about Stallone's movies? 1164 01:06:48,086 --> 01:06:51,578 "The realism. Because that's the way you gotta treat those fucking moolies. 1165 01:06:51,757 --> 01:06:55,158 "They think they can fucking push you around, 'Oh, you big hotshot,' 1166 01:06:55,327 --> 01:06:56,851 "get the fuck out of here. 1167 01:06:57,062 --> 01:06:59,155 "Get the fuck out of my face with that shit. 1168 01:06:59,331 --> 01:07:01,356 "That's what I like about Sly. He goes in 1169 01:07:01,533 --> 01:07:04,331 "and the moolies are beating him and he don't fucking go down, 1170 01:07:04,503 --> 01:07:07,336 "he comes in and he cracks the fucking moolie's hole like this. 1171 01:07:07,506 --> 01:07:11,203 "He falls on the ground. You know, you can really fucking do that. 1172 01:07:11,376 --> 01:07:13,936 "You see that fucking big melanzane standing over there? 1173 01:07:14,112 --> 01:07:16,672 "See that black guy over there at the line getting candy?" 1174 01:07:16,848 --> 01:07:20,477 "Yeah." "All right. Now, he's about 6'5". I'm 5'2". 1175 01:07:21,319 --> 01:07:23,378 "l ain't no big guy, all right? 1176 01:07:23,555 --> 01:07:26,524 "But I'm ltalian. Watch this. You watch this, all right? 1177 01:07:32,831 --> 01:07:35,197 "Hey, excuse me, brother. 1178 01:07:37,002 --> 01:07:39,197 "Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits 1179 01:07:39,371 --> 01:07:41,271 "and let me have some Bon Bons. 1180 01:07:41,440 --> 01:07:43,738 "l think I'll have some Bon Bons there. 1181 01:07:43,909 --> 01:07:46,139 "And let me have some Junior Mints. 1182 01:07:46,311 --> 01:07:49,508 "And give me another box of Juji Fruits. 1183 01:07:49,681 --> 01:07:52,741 "And the nigger's gonna pay for it." 1184 01:07:56,922 --> 01:07:58,981 "Excuse me?" 1185 01:08:02,828 --> 01:08:07,265 "You heard what I said, moolie. Pay for my fucking candy... 1186 01:08:12,204 --> 01:08:14,434 "...or I'll kick your ass." 1187 01:08:16,374 --> 01:08:18,604 "Oh, you just saw Rocky. 1188 01:08:20,746 --> 01:08:23,442 "Look, little ltalian white man. 1189 01:08:23,615 --> 01:08:25,640 "l enjoy Sylvester Stallone's movies too. 1190 01:08:25,817 --> 01:08:28,752 "But I'm waiting to get some candy and I'm gonna go see a movie. 1191 01:08:28,920 --> 01:08:32,856 "Why don't you just go hop in your lROC Z-28 and take your ass home." 1192 01:08:36,294 --> 01:08:38,728 "I'll kick your fucking ass." 1193 01:08:39,231 --> 01:08:40,994 Then they hear that Rocky music. 1194 01:08:41,867 --> 01:08:44,495 Hour later: 1195 01:08:45,604 --> 01:08:47,037 "He's not gonna make it. 1196 01:08:47,205 --> 01:08:50,368 "The big nigger named Abdullah's hand wrapped around his throat. 1197 01:08:50,542 --> 01:08:54,069 "And a box of Juji Fruits rammed up his ass. He's not gonna make it. 1198 01:08:54,246 --> 01:08:55,975 "He's fucked up." 1199 01:08:58,083 --> 01:09:00,176 That's who I had a fight with. An ltalian. 1200 01:09:00,352 --> 01:09:03,788 Those are the worst white people to fight, especially around Rocky time. 1201 01:09:03,955 --> 01:09:08,551 Because I was in a discotheque talking to Deney Terrio from Dance Fever. 1202 01:09:08,727 --> 01:09:11,457 Don't ask me why. 1203 01:09:11,630 --> 01:09:13,825 We were there kicking it and this ltalian dude 1204 01:09:13,999 --> 01:09:17,059 was there with his girlfriend and she is looking at me or Deney. 1205 01:09:17,235 --> 01:09:19,760 Italians don't play that shit. You hear the shit they say 1206 01:09:19,938 --> 01:09:22,771 to their girlfriends? "What the fuck you looking over there for? 1207 01:09:22,941 --> 01:09:25,136 "Don't tell me you're not looking. I just saw you. 1208 01:09:25,310 --> 01:09:27,369 "You been looking over there all fucking night. 1209 01:09:27,546 --> 01:09:30,071 "You look over there again and I'm gonna pick up a glass 1210 01:09:30,248 --> 01:09:33,684 "and shove it in your fucking mouth. Don't look over there. No, you shut up. 1211 01:09:33,852 --> 01:09:35,581 "You're making me look like an asshole. 1212 01:09:35,754 --> 01:09:38,018 "Don't you ever disrespect me. Don't you ever. 1213 01:09:38,190 --> 01:09:41,626 "Hey, shut up. Don't you ever... I'll fucking kick your ass inside here. 1214 01:09:41,993 --> 01:09:45,520 "What are you looking at a fucking dancer and a melanzane for? 1215 01:09:45,697 --> 01:09:48,666 "You know I'll kick his moolie ass." He pushed me. 1216 01:09:49,034 --> 01:09:52,026 Black people from New York have this trick we use on white people. 1217 01:09:52,204 --> 01:09:53,933 It works. Even if you can't fight, 1218 01:09:54,105 --> 01:09:55,663 you have to act like you can fight, 1219 01:09:55,841 --> 01:09:57,900 because that gets you out of a lot of fights. 1220 01:09:58,176 --> 01:10:00,007 It works. If you have some problem... 1221 01:10:00,178 --> 01:10:02,772 Walk up to a white dude and step on his foot. And he says: 1222 01:10:02,948 --> 01:10:06,406 "Hey, you got a problem?" You go, "Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!" 1223 01:10:12,958 --> 01:10:15,449 "l just lost my motherfucking job 1224 01:10:15,627 --> 01:10:18,187 "to a white man, look just like you! 1225 01:10:21,433 --> 01:10:25,369 "So I say I'm gonna step on some feet till I feel I've redeemed myself. 1226 01:10:26,238 --> 01:10:27,500 "You got a problem?" 1227 01:10:27,672 --> 01:10:30,869 And white guys will go, "Hey, I didn't know about your job." 1228 01:10:31,209 --> 01:10:33,336 They leave and brother be standing there like this: 1229 01:10:33,511 --> 01:10:35,274 "That was close. 1230 01:10:36,448 --> 01:10:38,075 "l almost got fucked up." 1231 01:10:38,416 --> 01:10:40,407 So I know you gotta act like you can fight. 1232 01:10:40,585 --> 01:10:42,678 First, you make your voice go up an octave 1233 01:10:42,854 --> 01:10:44,412 and act real confused. And mumble: 1234 01:10:44,623 --> 01:10:46,716 "What the fuck this motherfucker trying...? 1235 01:10:46,925 --> 01:10:49,018 "Yo, you don't put your motherfucking hand, no... 1236 01:10:49,194 --> 01:10:52,129 "Mind your motherfucking business. I'll bust your motherfucking ass. 1237 01:10:52,297 --> 01:10:54,458 "Don't you never put your hands... Shut the fuck up. 1238 01:10:54,633 --> 01:10:56,225 "What the fuck is wrong with you, man? 1239 01:10:56,401 --> 01:10:58,426 "You know I'll bust you... Get the fuck off me. 1240 01:10:58,603 --> 01:11:02,095 "I'll bust your motherfucking ass too. Mind your motherfucking business. 1241 01:11:02,274 --> 01:11:04,469 "You want some, motherfucker? You want some? 1242 01:11:04,643 --> 01:11:06,338 "Then make a move, then. Make a move. 1243 01:11:06,511 --> 01:11:09,571 "Yeah, you better walk away, mother... I'll bust your pussy ass too. 1244 01:11:09,748 --> 01:11:11,648 "You never put your motherfucking hands on me. 1245 01:11:11,816 --> 01:11:14,376 "What the fuck is your problem? What's your problem, huh? 1246 01:11:14,552 --> 01:11:17,385 "You got a problem? Well, I'm gonna settle your problem. 1247 01:11:17,555 --> 01:11:19,455 "I'm gonna settle your problem, motherfucker!" 1248 01:11:19,624 --> 01:11:22,616 And the dude did like this, "Come on!" 1249 01:11:28,867 --> 01:11:30,630 I was stuck. 1250 01:11:31,469 --> 01:11:34,029 I was standing there like this now. 1251 01:11:34,205 --> 01:11:36,400 Dude said, "Come on, that's the way I like it." 1252 01:11:36,574 --> 01:11:40,635 I didn't know what to do, because I could act like I could fight good. 1253 01:11:40,812 --> 01:11:42,473 I'm an actor, I ain't no fighter. 1254 01:11:42,647 --> 01:11:47,209 You put me in a movie where I'm the star, I'll kick your ass. 1255 01:11:47,419 --> 01:11:49,353 This is real shit. He's going, "Come on." 1256 01:11:49,521 --> 01:11:51,512 I was frozen, man. I was standing there, 1257 01:11:51,690 --> 01:11:54,022 my ego jumped out of my body and said, 1258 01:11:54,192 --> 01:11:56,285 "Punch him in the face, Ed." 1259 01:11:56,461 --> 01:11:57,894 I said, "l ain't punching nobody." 1260 01:11:58,063 --> 01:11:59,928 My ego said, "Well, give me your hand." 1261 01:12:01,466 --> 01:12:03,263 Clocked that boy in his eye. 1262 01:12:03,435 --> 01:12:05,164 Boy fell on the deck holding his eye, 1263 01:12:05,337 --> 01:12:07,532 he was all fucked up. I looked at my ego, I said: 1264 01:12:07,706 --> 01:12:09,674 "What the fuck you do that for?" 1265 01:12:09,841 --> 01:12:11,900 Ego said, "Because you've got an image to uphold. 1266 01:12:12,077 --> 01:12:13,510 "You kicked the dude's ass. Relax." 1267 01:12:13,678 --> 01:12:15,111 The dude was laying there, holding his eye. 1268 01:12:15,280 --> 01:12:17,544 My ego said, "Now talk some shit so people know not to mess with you." 1269 01:12:17,716 --> 01:12:20,810 And I was like, "Yeah. 1270 01:12:22,854 --> 01:12:24,947 "I'm tired of people messing with me." 1271 01:12:25,123 --> 01:12:28,024 "Now tell them if somebody else move, you gonna kick their ass." 1272 01:12:28,193 --> 01:12:30,184 "lf somebody else move, 1273 01:12:30,528 --> 01:12:32,155 "I'm gonna kick their ass?" 1274 01:12:34,265 --> 01:12:36,927 "Do some rhyme with your name. That always scares white people." 1275 01:12:37,102 --> 01:12:38,364 "Because I'm Ed 1276 01:12:38,536 --> 01:12:41,437 "and if you mess with Ed, you be dead." 1277 01:12:43,475 --> 01:12:46,000 "That's all right. Just worry about... Shit, you doing fine. 1278 01:12:46,177 --> 01:12:48,145 "You just relax, don't worry. Just be cool. 1279 01:12:48,313 --> 01:12:51,077 "Ain't nobody gonna move after they seen you kick this dude's ass. 1280 01:12:51,249 --> 01:12:53,774 "Just relax and cool out." I start cooling out. My ego said: 1281 01:12:53,952 --> 01:12:56,011 "Every now and then you gotta whip somebody's ass, 1282 01:12:56,187 --> 01:12:59,213 "let them know where you stand." I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" 1283 01:12:59,858 --> 01:13:03,191 I ain't see this dude's brother standing behind me. 1284 01:13:03,361 --> 01:13:06,091 And he has seen Rocky too. 1285 01:13:06,264 --> 01:13:08,459 And he swung around my back 1286 01:13:08,633 --> 01:13:10,601 and punched me in the mouth... 1287 01:13:11,836 --> 01:13:14,066 ...real, real hard. 1288 01:13:15,006 --> 01:13:16,974 Because the punch said: 1289 01:13:17,342 --> 01:13:19,572 And my ego said, "What was that?!" 1290 01:13:20,445 --> 01:13:23,278 I said, "l don't know." And my lip said, "Hey, fellas!" 1291 01:13:42,067 --> 01:13:44,934 So I'm standing there with my lips hanging down, 1292 01:13:45,103 --> 01:13:48,038 Iooking like J.J. from Good Times and shit. 1293 01:13:49,441 --> 01:13:51,932 And I ain't know what to do, so I scream for security. 1294 01:13:52,110 --> 01:13:53,441 I said, "Security!" 1295 01:13:53,611 --> 01:13:56,273 And that's when one of my boys jumped over the table 1296 01:13:56,448 --> 01:13:58,211 Iike Linc Hayes from the Mod Squad 1297 01:13:58,383 --> 01:14:00,214 and grabbed that boy and started going: 1298 01:14:00,385 --> 01:14:03,115 Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up and starts fucking this boy up 1299 01:14:03,288 --> 01:14:06,451 and his brother woke up, jump on top of my boy and started kicking his ass. 1300 01:14:06,624 --> 01:14:08,387 Then somebody says, "Fight in the back!" 1301 01:14:08,560 --> 01:14:10,152 And all the people, the bouncers, came 1302 01:14:10,328 --> 01:14:12,228 and saw two niggers fighting two white guys. 1303 01:14:12,397 --> 01:14:14,558 They jump on the niggers. "You niggers have to learn 1304 01:14:14,732 --> 01:14:17,428 "to stop fucking up our club. Didn't we let you in here, nigger? 1305 01:14:17,602 --> 01:14:20,127 "We saw you laughing while we were dancing. We saw you." 1306 01:14:20,305 --> 01:14:23,069 Then all the brothers saw 40 white guys beating up two black guys, 1307 01:14:23,241 --> 01:14:25,038 "Hey, you can't beat up the brothers." They jump in the fight. 1308 01:14:25,210 --> 01:14:27,610 Then it looked like 40 white guys fighting 40 black guys, 1309 01:14:27,812 --> 01:14:31,646 it was a big race war and suntan lotion and Jheri-curl juices shooting all over. 1310 01:14:31,816 --> 01:14:34,910 And at the end of the fight, everybody sued me. 1311 01:14:36,855 --> 01:14:38,413 Everybody claimed I whipped their ass. 1312 01:14:38,590 --> 01:14:42,890 I'm 5'10". I weigh 165 pounds. I can't whip a disco's ass by myself. 1313 01:14:43,495 --> 01:14:45,224 Even people that didn't fight sued me. 1314 01:14:45,396 --> 01:14:47,421 People that watched the fight was in court. 1315 01:14:47,599 --> 01:14:50,067 "No, I didn't actually fight, but I was there watching. 1316 01:14:50,235 --> 01:14:53,033 "And it was a discotheque and a strobe light fell off the ceiling, 1317 01:14:53,204 --> 01:14:55,434 "creating a weird effect with the mirror 1318 01:14:55,607 --> 01:14:58,474 "and I saw this and my eyes were sprained, 1319 01:14:58,643 --> 01:15:02,977 "the eyes, and I need 12 million for my sprained eyes." 1320 01:15:04,782 --> 01:15:07,444 Brothers sued me. Yo, man, the brothers came out and sued. 1321 01:15:07,619 --> 01:15:10,247 I was like, "Ain't no brothers gonna sue me." Brothers sued Ed. 1322 01:15:10,421 --> 01:15:13,254 The brothers went to get paid. I was, "Brothers don't sue brothers." 1323 01:15:13,424 --> 01:15:16,086 They was like, "Fuck that. I'm getting paid, motherfucker." 1324 01:15:16,261 --> 01:15:18,320 Brothers went to court, got educated on the judge. 1325 01:15:18,496 --> 01:15:20,521 All of a sudden they was like, "State your case." 1326 01:15:20,698 --> 01:15:24,225 "Yes, Your Honor, on the evening in question, per se, Your Honor. 1327 01:15:25,737 --> 01:15:28,001 "Yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was inside the disco. 1328 01:15:28,173 --> 01:15:30,232 "Cooling, right? I went in with my girlie, right? 1329 01:15:30,408 --> 01:15:32,603 "My girl start illing, 'Oh, there go Eddie Murphy.' 1330 01:15:32,777 --> 01:15:35,940 "Start acting all tipsy and shit. I say, 'Where?' She say, 'Over there.' 1331 01:15:36,114 --> 01:15:38,105 "l say, 'Fuck that big-nose motherfucker. 1332 01:15:38,283 --> 01:15:40,513 'l make my money just like him.' Right, Your Honor? 1333 01:15:40,685 --> 01:15:42,744 "l don't give a fuck. I ain't getting on nobody. 1334 01:15:42,921 --> 01:15:46,220 "So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened then, right? 1335 01:15:46,391 --> 01:15:49,554 "l say, 'Yo, what you want, me go over, get the motherfucker autograph?' 1336 01:15:49,727 --> 01:15:51,695 "l got the autograph for my girlie. 1337 01:15:51,863 --> 01:15:54,559 "l walked over and said, 'Yo, Ed, sign this autograph.' 1338 01:15:55,900 --> 01:15:58,596 "Then Ed say, 'l ain't signing a motherfucking thing. 1339 01:15:58,770 --> 01:16:01,102 'Fuck you and your ugly bitch.' I say, 'Yo, Ed. 1340 01:16:01,272 --> 01:16:03,103 'I'll bust your ass for saying shit like that.' 1341 01:16:03,274 --> 01:16:06,334 "He say, 'Motherfucker, l...' And he ran over to my woman 1342 01:16:06,511 --> 01:16:08,479 "and slap her in the face, Your Honor. 1343 01:16:08,646 --> 01:16:10,580 "Then he slap me and my man in the face. 1344 01:16:10,748 --> 01:16:13,410 "All three of us, like the Three Stooges, Your Honor. 1345 01:16:13,585 --> 01:16:15,985 "Twelve million. 1346 01:16:16,154 --> 01:16:18,452 "Twelve!" I was disgusted. 1347 01:16:18,623 --> 01:16:21,387 "Yeah, Your Honor. Give us half his shit." 1348 01:16:26,331 --> 01:16:29,459 I was mad. I called my mother up. You know how you do. 1349 01:16:29,634 --> 01:16:31,795 When you get depressed, you call your mother. 1350 01:16:31,970 --> 01:16:34,029 You get your ass whipped, first you call home. 1351 01:16:34,205 --> 01:16:36,230 I call my mother's house. Because you wanna hear: 1352 01:16:36,407 --> 01:16:38,534 "It's gonna be all right, baby. It's gonna be fine. 1353 01:16:38,710 --> 01:16:42,111 "You just come on home. Stop crying. I'll cook you something to eat. 1354 01:16:42,280 --> 01:16:44,145 "I'll cook you one of them big old hamburgers 1355 01:16:44,315 --> 01:16:46,283 "l used to make before. You just come on home." 1356 01:16:46,451 --> 01:16:48,282 And you want that burger when you get older. 1357 01:16:48,453 --> 01:16:50,512 I called my mother's house, it was a Friday night, 1358 01:16:50,688 --> 01:16:52,883 the phone rang for a half-hour. 1359 01:16:53,291 --> 01:16:56,317 Which meant my pops was home, and on the weekends, my pops gets drunk. 1360 01:16:56,494 --> 01:16:58,291 I was praying he wouldn't answer the phone, 1361 01:16:58,463 --> 01:17:00,192 because I'm bleeding, my lips are swollen, 1362 01:17:00,365 --> 01:17:01,992 people walking by going, "Jimmie Walker." 1363 01:17:02,166 --> 01:17:03,997 I'm going, "No, I'm Ed. I just had a fight." 1364 01:17:04,569 --> 01:17:06,696 So I'm praying my father wouldn't answer the phone. 1365 01:17:06,871 --> 01:17:09,999 And I picture this is going on, my pops is home like this, drunk: 1366 01:17:10,174 --> 01:17:12,404 "This is my house! 1367 01:17:18,082 --> 01:17:20,573 "It's my house and I don't give a fuck! 1368 01:17:20,752 --> 01:17:22,777 "You know something? Hey, I'm drunk, Lil. 1369 01:17:22,954 --> 01:17:25,650 "Lil? I'm drunk. And you know something? 1370 01:17:25,823 --> 01:17:27,518 "It's beautiful. 1371 01:17:29,360 --> 01:17:32,227 "It's beautiful, Lil. In my heart and my soul, I'm drunk. 1372 01:17:32,397 --> 01:17:34,126 "You know something, fuck it. 1373 01:17:34,299 --> 01:17:37,632 "Because if I wanna drink something in my house, fine. 1374 01:17:37,802 --> 01:17:40,999 "You don't like it, get the fuck out of my house. 1375 01:17:41,172 --> 01:17:44,232 "l pay the bills for this motherfucker. I wanna drink something, I drink. 1376 01:17:44,409 --> 01:17:47,344 "Hey, Lil, you gonna answer this telephone? 1377 01:17:47,512 --> 01:17:49,412 "Do you hear the phone ringing? 1378 01:17:49,580 --> 01:17:50,842 "Lil! 1379 01:17:55,987 --> 01:17:58,478 "That's the phone, motherfucker. That's not me. 1380 01:17:59,557 --> 01:18:00,990 "No, I'm not answering shit. 1381 01:18:01,192 --> 01:18:03,524 "l pay the bills. I'm gonna answer the phone too? 1382 01:18:03,695 --> 01:18:06,721 "Who am l, Alexander Graham Bell up in this motherfucker? 1383 01:18:06,898 --> 01:18:08,763 "You better answer this telephone. 1384 01:18:08,933 --> 01:18:10,730 "Lil, answer the phone. Goddamn it, look... 1385 01:18:10,902 --> 01:18:12,460 "Shit, I'm watching the fights, Lil. 1386 01:18:12,637 --> 01:18:14,332 "Are you...? You're not gonna answer it? 1387 01:18:14,505 --> 01:18:16,939 "OK. Fine. Don't touch the phone no more, Lil. 1388 01:18:17,108 --> 01:18:19,633 "Since you can't get up off your ass and answer the phone, 1389 01:18:19,811 --> 01:18:22,143 "you can't touch the phone. Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian. 1390 01:18:22,313 --> 01:18:25,771 "No more phone for you. Your phone privileges are cut off. 1391 01:18:25,950 --> 01:18:28,111 "I'm gonna write that down and put it on the fridge. 1392 01:18:28,286 --> 01:18:29,947 "That's the new rules in the house. 1393 01:18:30,121 --> 01:18:32,419 "I'm gonna take the old rules off and put new rules up. 1394 01:18:32,590 --> 01:18:34,956 "You gonna listen to me when I tell you to do something. 1395 01:18:35,126 --> 01:18:37,686 "We gonna put new rules up. We gonna put rules up. Rules up. 1396 01:18:37,862 --> 01:18:39,727 "Rules. Rules. 1397 01:18:39,897 --> 01:18:45,733 "One, 'Lillian cannot use the phone.' 1398 01:18:46,437 --> 01:18:49,873 "Two, 'Lillian cannot...' 1399 01:18:50,041 --> 01:18:51,668 "Since you're such a smart motherfucker, 1400 01:18:51,843 --> 01:18:54,277 "you can't go outside anymore either. 1401 01:18:54,445 --> 01:18:58,541 "Cannot go outside ever again. 1402 01:18:59,083 --> 01:19:00,641 "Now, put the rules up, Lillian. 1403 01:19:00,818 --> 01:19:03,082 "You abide by my rules and my regulations, goddamn it. 1404 01:19:03,254 --> 01:19:05,916 "And the rules say 'No phone and no outside.' 1405 01:19:06,090 --> 01:19:09,389 "And I don't give a fuck if the motherfucking house is burning down. 1406 01:19:09,560 --> 01:19:11,653 "lf I come home and a fireman putting the house out, I say: 1407 01:19:11,829 --> 01:19:13,296 'How you find out the house was burning?' 1408 01:19:13,464 --> 01:19:16,831 'We got a call from your wife,' I kick your motherfucking ass. 1409 01:19:17,769 --> 01:19:21,136 "You're in this house to stay! You'll burn up in this motherfucker. 1410 01:19:21,305 --> 01:19:24,536 "No, Lillian, where you going? Didn't I just say you couldn't go no place? 1411 01:19:24,709 --> 01:19:26,336 "How the hell you gonna go somewhere...? 1412 01:19:26,511 --> 01:19:29,480 "You're not going to Shirley's house to play Pokeno. Fuck Pokeno. 1413 01:19:29,647 --> 01:19:32,377 "Take your coat off. No, you can't go no place because I said so. 1414 01:19:32,550 --> 01:19:35,417 "The rules say 'no outside.' I know you wanna leave, that's why you can't go. 1415 01:19:35,586 --> 01:19:37,577 "You better call and tell her you're not coming. 1416 01:19:37,755 --> 01:19:39,586 "You can't use my phone. 1417 01:19:40,391 --> 01:19:42,222 "l don't know. You better lift up the window 1418 01:19:42,393 --> 01:19:44,122 "and scream your motherfucking head off. 1419 01:19:44,295 --> 01:19:45,728 "But you're not... I don't give... 1420 01:19:45,897 --> 01:19:48,195 "You're not going no place. You're not going no place. 1421 01:19:48,366 --> 01:19:51,199 "Because I know you wanna leave. That's why. I know you wanna leave. 1422 01:19:51,369 --> 01:19:52,700 "l know you wanna leave." 1423 01:19:52,870 --> 01:19:55,031 I got one of those fathers who gets drunk and sings 1424 01:19:55,206 --> 01:19:56,833 old Motown songs to you in his argument, 1425 01:19:57,008 --> 01:19:59,169 fucks up the lyrics and thinks he's saying it right. 1426 01:19:59,343 --> 01:20:02,437 "I know you wanna leave me 1427 01:20:02,613 --> 01:20:05,912 "But I refuse to let you go, Lillian" 1428 01:20:07,351 --> 01:20:09,319 Then he fuck up, think he's saying it right. 1429 01:20:09,520 --> 01:20:13,650 "If I have to beg and plead Do the symphony 1430 01:20:17,595 --> 01:20:20,621 "I don't mind because it means That much to me 1431 01:20:20,798 --> 01:20:22,197 "You're not going no place. 1432 01:20:22,366 --> 01:20:24,834 "You be right here in this motherfucker, Lil. 1433 01:20:25,002 --> 01:20:27,630 "Watching the ships roll in 1434 01:20:28,773 --> 01:20:32,140 "Then you watch them Roll away again 1435 01:20:32,310 --> 01:20:33,572 "Lillian 1436 01:20:34,979 --> 01:20:37,447 "Because I put the rules up. Like Diana Ross say, 1437 01:20:37,615 --> 01:20:41,210 "It's my house I live here 1438 01:20:41,986 --> 01:20:46,889 "And she sing in Spanish too, Lillian: En my casa, I... Yo vivo aqui 1439 01:20:50,528 --> 01:20:52,462 "This is my house! I don't give a fuck! 1440 01:20:52,630 --> 01:20:55,599 "Do you hear this phone? I'm gonna answer, because I know it's Shirley. 1441 01:20:55,766 --> 01:20:58,166 "And you not supposed to let a phone ring for a half-hour. 1442 01:20:58,336 --> 01:21:00,497 "You let it ring two or three times and hang it up. 1443 01:21:00,671 --> 01:21:03,469 "That's a lonely bitch at the end of that line. I'm gonna tell her. 1444 01:21:03,674 --> 01:21:06,939 "Hello? Shirley? Bitch, if you ever let my phone ring like this again... 1445 01:21:07,111 --> 01:21:09,739 "Shir...? What's wrong...? Hey, what's wrong with you? 1446 01:21:09,914 --> 01:21:11,609 "What you crying about? Eddie, what's...? 1447 01:21:11,782 --> 01:21:13,374 "Eddie, what's wrong with you? 1448 01:21:13,551 --> 01:21:17,248 "What? You had a fight?! Lillian, get my pistol. 1449 01:21:17,421 --> 01:21:19,389 "Who you have a fight with? 1450 01:21:19,557 --> 01:21:22,890 "What? A disco? With Deney Terrio? 1451 01:21:23,060 --> 01:21:25,790 "Fuck you doing with Deney Terrio? 1452 01:21:25,963 --> 01:21:29,524 "And Jimmie Walker? And your lips? And you shot... 1453 01:21:29,700 --> 01:21:32,294 "What? Lillian, Eddie had a fight in a disco with Deney Terrio 1454 01:21:32,470 --> 01:21:34,904 "and shot Jimmie Walker. 1455 01:21:37,041 --> 01:21:38,906 "He shot him in the lips, Lil. 1456 01:21:39,777 --> 01:21:42,075 "Eddie, why'd you shoot Jimmie Walker in his lips? 1457 01:21:42,246 --> 01:21:44,612 "l like Good Times. 1458 01:21:44,782 --> 01:21:46,579 "Oh, you took a shot in your lips? 1459 01:21:46,751 --> 01:21:50,050 "And you look like Jimmie Walker? Oh, that'd do it. 1460 01:21:51,055 --> 01:21:54,183 "Who punched you in the lips? Italian? For what? 1461 01:21:54,358 --> 01:21:57,919 "What you mean 'nothing'? Nobody get punched for nothing. What'd you do? 1462 01:21:58,095 --> 01:22:00,222 "Don't tell me 'nothing'. You had to do something. 1463 01:22:00,398 --> 01:22:02,525 "What did you do? No, don't tell me 'nothing'. 1464 01:22:02,700 --> 01:22:04,895 "Nobody gets punched for nothing. What...? Eddie... 1465 01:22:05,069 --> 01:22:08,732 "No, don't say 'nothing'. Eddie. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing 1466 01:22:10,741 --> 01:22:12,003 "Had to do something 1467 01:22:12,176 --> 01:22:14,167 "Motherfucker punched you In the mouth 1468 01:22:16,314 --> 01:22:18,874 "Now, what did you do? What? 1469 01:22:19,383 --> 01:22:23,046 "Eddie. No... Eddie, then it's something that you did a long time ago. 1470 01:22:23,220 --> 01:22:25,620 "Didn't I always tell you, you reap what you sow? Yes. 1471 01:22:25,790 --> 01:22:27,621 "What goes around comes around, Eddie. 1472 01:22:27,792 --> 01:22:30,192 "Yes, that's why that man punch you in your mouth tonight, 1473 01:22:30,361 --> 01:22:31,988 "for something you did a long time ago. 1474 01:22:32,163 --> 01:22:33,858 "Yes, Eddie. Well, you give what you get. 1475 01:22:34,031 --> 01:22:35,931 "You get what you give. That's why that man... 1476 01:22:36,100 --> 01:22:38,500 "Eddie. What do you mean, you don't remember what you did? 1477 01:22:38,669 --> 01:22:40,569 "He probably punched you for something you did 1478 01:22:40,738 --> 01:22:42,171 "when you was living here. 1479 01:22:42,340 --> 01:22:45,639 "l didn't catch everything that you did. I worked all day, you played all day. 1480 01:22:45,810 --> 01:22:48,278 "Eddie, who broke that lamp in 1971? 1481 01:22:49,246 --> 01:22:53,012 "lt was you! Yes, it was. That's why that man kick your ass tonight. 1482 01:22:53,250 --> 01:22:56,777 "I'd appreciate if you go up and tell him that your father says 'Thank you.' 1483 01:22:56,954 --> 01:22:59,479 "Save me a trip to California. Because you never respect me. 1484 01:22:59,657 --> 01:23:01,420 "You never listen to what I tell you to do. 1485 01:23:01,592 --> 01:23:04,493 "l put rules on the refrigerator and you never obey my rules. 1486 01:23:04,662 --> 01:23:06,186 "Me and your mother want respect. 1487 01:23:06,364 --> 01:23:08,958 "You, Charlie and Vernon could not respect me and your mother. 1488 01:23:09,133 --> 01:23:12,296 "All we wanted was some respect. All we asked for was a little respect. 1489 01:23:12,470 --> 01:23:14,267 "How come you can't respect me? How come? 1490 01:23:14,438 --> 01:23:17,202 "I'm a man. I want respect. I want respect, Eddie. 1491 01:23:17,375 --> 01:23:20,833 "What we want Baby, you got it 1492 01:23:21,445 --> 01:23:24,505 "What we need I know you got it 1493 01:23:25,082 --> 01:23:26,777 "Because all I'm asking 1494 01:23:26,951 --> 01:23:29,112 "Is for a little respect, motherfucker 1495 01:23:29,286 --> 01:23:32,813 " When you come on home, baby Hold on a minute. 1496 01:23:37,628 --> 01:23:40,256 " The kiss is sweeter than honey 1497 01:23:40,431 --> 01:23:43,730 "R-E-S-Z-C-P Find out what you mean to me 1498 01:23:43,901 --> 01:23:45,960 "R-E-C-C- T- T-P 1499 01:23:46,137 --> 01:23:48,571 "Motherfucker, you know how to spell it! 1500 01:23:51,609 --> 01:23:54,077 "Respect. You never had no respect for me, Eddie. 1501 01:23:54,278 --> 01:23:56,712 "That's why the man kick your ass. And when I was a child, 1502 01:23:56,914 --> 01:23:59,849 "l respect my parents. And we didn't have shit. Okay? 1503 01:24:00,017 --> 01:24:03,043 "l had shit, Eddie. Me and my brothers and sisters didn't have shit. 1504 01:24:03,220 --> 01:24:07,953 "l had 1 1 brothers and sisters, Eddie. My father made 13 cents a week. 1505 01:24:09,160 --> 01:24:12,652 "He worked at the Coleco toy factory, Eddie, and made 13 cents a week. 1506 01:24:12,830 --> 01:24:15,765 "That's not a lot of money when you have 1 1 children. 1507 01:24:15,933 --> 01:24:18,697 "We didn't have all the fancy things like you, Charlie and Vernon. 1508 01:24:18,869 --> 01:24:21,565 "We didn't have fancy luxuries like food. 1509 01:24:22,306 --> 01:24:24,297 "What the fuck you gonna eat on 13 cents a week? 1510 01:24:24,475 --> 01:24:26,875 "We had to eat whatever my father brought home from work. 1511 01:24:27,044 --> 01:24:29,376 "We ate the toys, Eddie. 1512 01:24:29,547 --> 01:24:31,242 "We ate the toys and we never complained, 1513 01:24:31,415 --> 01:24:33,349 "because my mother could cook her ass off. 1514 01:24:33,517 --> 01:24:35,815 "My mother get some hot sauce and some salt and pepper, 1515 01:24:35,986 --> 01:24:38,216 "make a Tonka truck taste so delicious. 1516 01:24:38,956 --> 01:24:41,550 "The wheels will melt in your mouth, Eddie. 1517 01:24:41,726 --> 01:24:43,591 "And you appreciate it. You never complained. 1518 01:24:43,761 --> 01:24:46,059 "lt was all for one and one for all. We stuck together. 1519 01:24:46,230 --> 01:24:47,959 "l only hurt my brothers and sisters once. 1520 01:24:48,132 --> 01:24:50,123 "l came home from school and my mother had made 1521 01:24:50,301 --> 01:24:51,632 "a birthday feast for my father. 1522 01:24:51,802 --> 01:24:54,032 "She had cooked and slaved over the stove all day 1523 01:24:54,205 --> 01:24:56,366 "and made enough food for 13 people to feast on 1524 01:24:56,540 --> 01:25:00,374 "for my father for his birthday and I sat down and ate it all by myself. 1525 01:25:00,544 --> 01:25:03,809 "l ate it all, Eddie, by myself. And my father came inside the kitchen, 1526 01:25:03,981 --> 01:25:06,779 "put his little birthday hat on and he looked at all the children. 1527 01:25:06,951 --> 01:25:08,543 "He had a tear in his eye and he said, 1528 01:25:08,719 --> 01:25:10,050 'Which one of you kids sat down 1529 01:25:10,221 --> 01:25:13,122 'and ate a whole fucking game of Monopoly by yourself?' 1530 01:25:14,658 --> 01:25:16,285 "And I ate it all, Eddie! 1531 01:25:16,460 --> 01:25:18,928 "Boardwalk, Park Place, lllinois Avenue, 1532 01:25:19,096 --> 01:25:22,327 "the shoe, the boat, the hat, the cannon, 1533 01:25:22,500 --> 01:25:24,832 "Connecticut Avenue, Luxury Tax, 1534 01:25:25,002 --> 01:25:28,335 "Eddie, I even ate those cheap purple motherfuckers after 'Go'... 1535 01:25:28,506 --> 01:25:29,973 "...that nobody buys. I ate them. 1536 01:25:30,141 --> 01:25:32,200 "l ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue. Yes, I did. 1537 01:25:32,376 --> 01:25:34,901 "l did, and I sat down and ate my father's birthday cake too. 1538 01:25:35,079 --> 01:25:36,410 "No, we couldn't afford a cake. 1539 01:25:36,580 --> 01:25:38,980 "lt was two Etch-A-Sketches on top of each other. 1540 01:25:39,150 --> 01:25:41,050 "Two Etch... Etch-A-Sketch cake. That's right. 1541 01:25:41,218 --> 01:25:42,480 "We couldn't afford no icing, 1542 01:25:42,653 --> 01:25:45,486 "so my mother would write 'Happy Birthday Pop' on the Etch-A-Sketch. 1543 01:25:45,656 --> 01:25:48,454 "Know how you made a wish? You shook it till the words disappeared, 1544 01:25:48,626 --> 01:25:50,059 "then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch. 1545 01:25:50,227 --> 01:25:52,627 "And that was your birthday cake. And we never complained. 1546 01:25:52,797 --> 01:25:55,129 "We were happy to get that. All for one and one for all. 1547 01:25:55,299 --> 01:25:58,359 "We would get dressed to go to school. Let me tell you about our clothes. 1548 01:25:58,536 --> 01:26:01,699 "We had to wear whatever my father brought home from work, Eddie. 1549 01:26:01,872 --> 01:26:03,134 "We wore the toys! 1550 01:26:03,307 --> 01:26:07,004 "Each day my mother would wake up and open 1 1 Twister games, Eddie. 1551 01:26:07,178 --> 01:26:09,078 "She would roll the Twister mats on the floor. 1552 01:26:09,246 --> 01:26:10,679 "Me and my 1 1 brothers and sisters 1553 01:26:10,848 --> 01:26:12,748 "would wrap the Twister mats around our body like a suit. 1554 01:26:12,917 --> 01:26:16,148 "Then we get a Hot Wheels racetrack and put that around our waist as a belt. 1555 01:26:16,320 --> 01:26:18,220 "And if there was no Hot Wheels, we used Johnny Lightning. 1556 01:26:18,389 --> 01:26:20,482 "And if there was no Johnny Lightning, we ripped up a Hula Hoop 1557 01:26:20,658 --> 01:26:22,956 "and put that around our waist. But we went to school, goddamn it. 1558 01:26:23,127 --> 01:26:25,391 "Other children would make fun of us because we got on Twister suits. 1559 01:26:25,563 --> 01:26:27,497 "And it's no fun to get your ass kicked in a Twister mat. 1560 01:26:27,665 --> 01:26:31,226 "Right foot, blue. Left hand, red, Eddie. It was a goddamn game to these kids. 1561 01:26:31,402 --> 01:26:32,664 "I'm standing on the corner, 1562 01:26:32,837 --> 01:26:35,829 "a motherfucker is spinning the spinner and kicking my ass, Eddie. 1563 01:26:36,006 --> 01:26:38,941 "Then I gotta go to school and watch the other children eat real food. 1564 01:26:39,109 --> 01:26:41,907 "l gotta watch them eat peanut butter and jelly, bologna and Swiss, 1565 01:26:42,079 --> 01:26:45,048 "ham and cheese. I got a goddamn Silly Putty sandwich. 1566 01:26:46,016 --> 01:26:48,541 "Then, for dessert, they're gonna pull out a Hostess cupcake 1567 01:26:48,719 --> 01:26:51,244 "and I gotta eat a goddamn Slinky? 1568 01:26:51,422 --> 01:26:54,414 "A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie, I ate so many Slinkys, 1569 01:26:54,592 --> 01:26:56,617 "every time I hear the motherfucking Slinky song, 1570 01:26:56,794 --> 01:26:58,284 "it make me sick to my stomach. 1571 01:26:58,462 --> 01:27:00,259 "They walk downstairs Alone and in pairs 1572 01:27:00,431 --> 01:27:01,989 "And make a clinkety sound 1573 01:27:02,166 --> 01:27:05,533 "A thing, a thing, a marvelous thing Everyone knows it's Slinky 1574 01:27:05,703 --> 01:27:09,036 "A Slinky, a Slinky A wonderful, wonderful toy 1575 01:27:09,206 --> 01:27:12,175 "A Slinky, a Slinky They're fun for a girl and a boy" 1576 01:27:12,343 --> 01:27:14,538 Bye-bye, I gotta go. Thank you.