1 00:01:18,371 --> 00:01:20,373 [ Brake Sets ] 2 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,769 [ Humming ] 3 00:01:44,063 --> 00:01:47,734 - [ Rings ] - Hello? 4 00:01:49,652 --> 00:01:52,197 No. You got the wrong number. 5 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,282 Yeah, but ain't no Thelma here, man. 6 00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:57,368 [ Lounge ] 7 00:02:16,763 --> 00:02:18,765 [ Blows Nose ] 8 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,282 [ Muttering ] 9 00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:41,120 - [ Garbage Disposal Grinds ] - [ Grunts ] 10 00:02:43,790 --> 00:02:47,168 [ Choking, Whimpering ] 11 00:02:47,252 --> 00:02:51,172 [ Whimpering, Screams ] 12 00:02:51,256 --> 00:02:53,758 - [ Disposal Stops ] - [ Gasping ] 13 00:02:53,842 --> 00:02:56,344 [ Water Running ] 14 00:02:58,763 --> 00:03:00,723 [ Water Shuts Off ] 15 00:03:00,807 --> 00:03:02,809 -Jesus! - [ Phone Rings ] 16 00:03:05,103 --> 00:03:07,605 - [ Continues Ringing ] - I'm comin'! 17 00:03:15,321 --> 00:03:19,951 What? Man, there ain't no Thelma here! 18 00:03:22,287 --> 00:03:24,998 [ No Audible Dialogue ] 19 00:03:47,604 --> 00:03:50,148 - [ Electricity Crackling ] - [ Screeches ] 20 00:03:59,324 --> 00:04:01,826 [ Panting ] 21 00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:10,835 God. 22 00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:38,321 [ TVSizzling ] 23 00:04:47,747 --> 00:04:50,458 [ Creaking ] 24 00:04:51,876 --> 00:04:54,087 [ Loud Crash ] 25 00:04:55,797 --> 00:04:59,050 [ Phone Rings ] 26 00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:01,886 [ Continues Ringing ] 27 00:05:03,847 --> 00:05:06,516 - [ Ringing Stops ] - [ Shouting ] What? 28 00:05:06,599 --> 00:05:10,061 Ain't no fuckin' Thelma here, man! 29 00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:13,481 Look, the bitch don't live here! Fuck you too! 30 00:05:13,565 --> 00:05:16,734 [ Screams ] Shit! Fuck! 31 00:05:16,818 --> 00:05:19,028 [ Grunts, Screams ] 32 00:05:19,112 --> 00:05:22,115 [ Screaming ] 33 00:05:27,829 --> 00:05:30,874 Hello. I'm Dr Warren G. Easterbrook... 34 00:05:30,957 --> 00:05:33,668 Chairman of the President's Commission on Education... 35 00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:36,671 and I would like to talk to you about an ever-growing problem-- 36 00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:39,424 the short attention span of today's youth. 37 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:42,510 Weaned as they are on television, young people today... 38 00:05:42,594 --> 00:05:44,679 can't seem to pay attention for more than a few mo-- 39 00:05:47,098 --> 00:05:50,727 [ Man ] Pethouse Video presents an in-depth... 40 00:05:50,810 --> 00:05:53,438 up close and personal look... 41 00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:57,817 at Pethouse Plaything Taryn Steele. 42 00:05:57,901 --> 00:06:01,529 [ Woman Narrating ] Oh, so many neat things have happened to me in my life-- 43 00:06:01,613 --> 00:06:05,450 being named homecoming queen, making the cheerleading squad. 44 00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:08,828 But the neatest thing ever was when I was recently chosen... 45 00:06:08,912 --> 00:06:10,997 the Pethouse Plaything of the Month. 46 00:06:12,457 --> 00:06:14,626 But being a Plaything hasn't changed me. 47 00:06:14,709 --> 00:06:16,920 I'm still the same Taryn. 48 00:06:19,172 --> 00:06:23,384 When I was first chosen, I was, like, really immature. 49 00:06:23,468 --> 00:06:26,095 But I've grown so much since then. 50 00:06:26,179 --> 00:06:28,181 I can hardly believe it's me. 51 00:06:29,307 --> 00:06:32,936 I'm a beach person and a night person. 52 00:06:33,019 --> 00:06:36,648 I really feel sorry for anyone who doesn't live in California... 53 00:06:36,731 --> 00:06:39,901 'cause we've got it all-- the mountains, the sun. 54 00:06:39,984 --> 00:06:42,779 And, like, there's no humidity. 55 00:06:42,862 --> 00:06:45,281 It really blows me away. 56 00:06:45,365 --> 00:06:49,744 Here, out of the public eye, I can just fade into the crowd. 57 00:06:49,827 --> 00:06:53,748 In New York, I get hassled all the time. I don't understand it. 58 00:06:53,832 --> 00:06:58,002 Laguna offers me peace and solitude... 59 00:06:58,086 --> 00:07:01,089 away from the pressure of being a Plaything. 60 00:07:01,172 --> 00:07:05,093 Here in Laguna, I can just let my mind go blank. 61 00:07:08,721 --> 00:07:10,723 Art is my life. 62 00:07:15,353 --> 00:07:18,398 I love to browse Laguna's art galleries... 63 00:07:18,481 --> 00:07:20,942 and my dream is to one day... 64 00:07:21,025 --> 00:07:24,654 have some of my things hanging here. 65 00:07:24,737 --> 00:07:28,741 But my real strength comes from my family... 66 00:07:28,825 --> 00:07:32,161 and my strong religious upbringing. 67 00:07:32,245 --> 00:07:36,833 I'll always be grateful to my mom and dad and the values they've given me... 68 00:07:36,916 --> 00:07:41,963 which help me take on the awesome responsibilities... 69 00:07:42,046 --> 00:07:44,257 of Plaything of the Month. 70 00:08:00,815 --> 00:08:04,027 Selma, look at this reception. 71 00:08:07,030 --> 00:08:10,325 - [ Click ] - Beaver, did you bring home a note from your teacher today? 72 00:08:10,408 --> 00:08:12,952 Oh, no, Dad. That's one of your jokes I haven't heard before. 73 00:08:13,036 --> 00:08:16,748 - [ Woman ] Record warm temperatures tomorrow. - Unbelievable! 74 00:08:16,831 --> 00:08:18,875 Best investment I ever made. [ Kiss ] 75 00:08:18,958 --> 00:08:21,836 [ Weathercaster Continues, Indistinct ] 76 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:23,880 [ Sighs ] 77 00:08:25,757 --> 00:08:29,969 You haven't been out of this house in two weeks. 78 00:08:30,053 --> 00:08:32,722 Lows will warm up just a bit. 79 00:08:32,805 --> 00:08:35,350 What the hell has happened to my remote? 80 00:08:37,602 --> 00:08:40,230 Sunny skies for the remainder of the day. 81 00:08:40,313 --> 00:08:42,273 Murray? 82 00:08:42,357 --> 00:08:45,193 Embedded in those clouds. And here in the southern-- 83 00:08:45,276 --> 00:08:47,278 Excuse me, sir. We're on the air. 84 00:08:47,362 --> 00:08:49,906 Selma! Get me out of here! 85 00:08:49,989 --> 00:08:51,991 I must've pressed the wrong button. 86 00:08:52,075 --> 00:08:56,496 Murray, what are you doing on the weather? 87 00:08:56,579 --> 00:09:01,584 I don't know. Press something. Bring me back! 88 00:09:01,668 --> 00:09:04,045 Here! 89 00:09:04,128 --> 00:09:08,299 [ Man ] Swung on, and it's a high fly ball to centre field. 90 00:09:08,383 --> 00:09:12,554 - Wait a minute! There's a fan on the field! -[ Crowd Booing ] 91 00:09:12,637 --> 00:09:15,223 Make me wanna stay If this is it 92 00:09:15,306 --> 00:09:19,727 - Doo wah - Now I'm trapped in a rock video! Anything but this! 93 00:09:19,811 --> 00:09:24,107 If this ain't love you better let me go 94 00:09:24,190 --> 00:09:26,192 - If this is it - Doo wah 95 00:09:27,318 --> 00:09:30,113 Selma! Help me! 96 00:09:30,196 --> 00:09:32,574 - If this ain't love, baby - Wait. Wait. 97 00:09:32,657 --> 00:09:36,202 - Selma! - I'm looking for the booklet. 98 00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:44,586 - [ Ominous ] - Oh, no. I'm in black and white. 99 00:09:44,669 --> 00:09:47,046 Where am I? 100 00:09:49,215 --> 00:09:53,261 - [ Growling ] - Selma! 101 00:09:53,344 --> 00:09:57,265 [ Murray ] Help! 102 00:10:03,980 --> 00:10:06,316 Selma! Selma! 103 00:10:06,399 --> 00:10:10,320 This is what you get for throwing out the directions. 104 00:10:10,403 --> 00:10:14,157 Help! Help me! 105 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,117 - [ Mellow Jazz ] - [ Gasps ] 106 00:10:16,201 --> 00:10:19,120 Here you can leave me for the night. 107 00:10:21,623 --> 00:10:24,125 You should be so lucky. 108 00:10:28,004 --> 00:10:30,006 - Yech! - [ Twittering ] 109 00:10:31,424 --> 00:10:36,221 - [ Chuckling ] - Where am I? 110 00:10:36,304 --> 00:10:38,389 You're on the Disney Channel. 111 00:10:38,473 --> 00:10:41,976 At least I know you won't catch anything there. 112 00:10:42,060 --> 00:10:46,731 - Fun is fun, Selma, but I want to come home. - [ Chuckling ] I'm trying. 113 00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:50,777 [ Man ] 500 million people are watching via satellite... 114 00:10:50,860 --> 00:10:55,406 as the president and first lady deplane for this historic Moscow visit. 115 00:10:55,490 --> 00:10:58,368 They look fit and rested. Wait a minute. 116 00:10:58,451 --> 00:11:01,663 An unidentified man has emerged from Air Force One. 117 00:11:01,746 --> 00:11:05,625 He seems, believe it or not, to be clad only in his underwear. 118 00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:08,503 - The Secret Service have grabbed him. - Where am I? I'm innocent! 119 00:11:08,586 --> 00:11:11,923 - But who is he and how did he get on board? - I was only watching television! 120 00:11:12,006 --> 00:11:14,551 - He appears to be deranged. - Help! Selma! 121 00:11:18,096 --> 00:11:20,098 [ Man ] I'm so proud of you, Brenda... 122 00:11:20,181 --> 00:11:22,851 getting through the delivery without any anaesthetic. 123 00:11:22,934 --> 00:11:25,854 Well, I had the best Lamaze coach in the world. 124 00:11:25,937 --> 00:11:29,399 When do we get to see the baby? It's been eight hours. 125 00:11:29,482 --> 00:11:32,318 Well, you remember the film they showed us in class. 126 00:11:32,402 --> 00:11:36,030 There's all kinds of tests they have to perform on a newborn child. 127 00:11:36,114 --> 00:11:38,533 - So-- - That's true. 128 00:11:38,616 --> 00:11:40,869 Ah! There's my favourite couple. 129 00:11:40,952 --> 00:11:43,705 - Mr and Mrs Flanders. - That's Landers. 130 00:11:43,788 --> 00:11:46,916 Right, right. Flanders is uraemic poisoning on 39. 131 00:11:47,959 --> 00:11:49,919 - So. - Um-- 132 00:11:50,003 --> 00:11:52,881 Nice stitch work, if I say so myself. 133 00:11:52,964 --> 00:11:56,342 Doctor, we'd like to see our son. The nurses keep giving us the runaround. 134 00:11:56,426 --> 00:11:58,761 I'd like nothing better than to bring you both your son... 135 00:11:58,845 --> 00:12:00,847 but have you looked around this hospital? 136 00:12:00,930 --> 00:12:02,891 There are sick people here. 137 00:12:02,974 --> 00:12:06,769 I just saw this old guy in the hallway with these gnarly scabs all over his body. 138 00:12:06,853 --> 00:12:09,063 Gross me out! [ Gags, Shudders ] 139 00:12:09,147 --> 00:12:12,609 -I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey... -Nicholas. 140 00:12:12,692 --> 00:12:14,736 to that. 141 00:12:14,819 --> 00:12:17,822 - I've got a solemn oath to uphold here. - Doctor... 142 00:12:17,906 --> 00:12:20,533 Brenda and I are both Lamaze graduates... 143 00:12:20,617 --> 00:12:25,497 and we've never heard of quarantining a healthy infant before. 144 00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:27,957 Ooh, Lamaze. 145 00:12:28,041 --> 00:12:31,961 Well, I forgot that you spent three whole weekends sitting on a floor... 146 00:12:32,045 --> 00:12:33,880 learning how to breathe. 147 00:12:33,963 --> 00:12:36,841 I had to get by on a degree from Harvard Medical School! 148 00:12:36,925 --> 00:12:41,638 Please, it's important to us to see our child. You've heard of bonding. 149 00:12:41,721 --> 00:12:44,015 - Uh-- - Doctor. 150 00:12:44,098 --> 00:12:47,352 We'd like to spend a little quality time with our son, please. 151 00:12:47,435 --> 00:12:51,272 A little quality time with your son? That would be beautiful. 152 00:12:51,356 --> 00:12:55,443 You people. [ Scoffs ] 153 00:12:55,527 --> 00:12:58,821 - What's with that guy? - [ Woman On P.A. ] Mrs Fernandez, front desk. 154 00:12:58,905 --> 00:13:02,617 He's supposed to be the top man in his field. 155 00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:05,453 Well, when he brings in little Jeffrey, we're going-- 156 00:13:05,537 --> 00:13:07,789 - Nicholas! - [ Doctor ] Here we go. 157 00:13:07,872 --> 00:13:10,208 - Here's the little tyke. - [ Both ] Oh! 158 00:13:10,291 --> 00:13:12,919 - Okay, that's enough germs. - Wait! Wait a minute. 159 00:13:13,002 --> 00:13:16,506 - We haven't even seen him yet. - Go ahead, breathe all over him. I don't care. 160 00:13:20,677 --> 00:13:22,929 What is this, some kind of sick practical joke? 161 00:13:23,012 --> 00:13:25,056 What are you talking about? He's got your eyes. 162 00:13:25,139 --> 00:13:27,141 Take that hideous thing away. 163 00:13:27,225 --> 00:13:30,395 Come on. They all look like this at first. 164 00:13:30,478 --> 00:13:36,317 You see, when the baby passes through the birth canal, its head gets a little pointy. 165 00:13:36,401 --> 00:13:38,736 He should round out in a couple days. Promise. 166 00:13:38,820 --> 00:13:42,240 That's not a baby. That's a Mr Potato Head. 167 00:13:42,323 --> 00:13:44,033 Harry, call the hospital administrator. 168 00:13:44,117 --> 00:13:48,079 Hey! You're right. This is a Mr Potato Head. 169 00:13:49,581 --> 00:13:51,541 Gosh, they're so lifelike. 170 00:13:51,624 --> 00:13:54,210 Anybody could've made this mistake. 171 00:13:54,294 --> 00:13:57,589 I'll be right back with the real Nicholas. 172 00:13:57,672 --> 00:14:01,676 - Harry, what are they doing to us? - Calm down, Brenda. Calm down. 173 00:14:01,759 --> 00:14:04,387 We don't want you to get post-partum anxiety. 174 00:14:04,470 --> 00:14:08,933 Now, as soon as we get our son, I'm going to report this quack. 175 00:14:09,017 --> 00:14:11,436 Thank God you took that assertiveness training course. 176 00:14:11,519 --> 00:14:13,688 Yeah. 177 00:14:13,771 --> 00:14:16,107 Here's the little tyke. [ Chuckling ] 178 00:14:16,191 --> 00:14:19,360 - You've been a naughty little baby. Yes, you have. - [ Sighs ] 179 00:14:19,444 --> 00:14:23,865 - Playing peekaboo with Mommy and Daddy. - About time. Nick, it's your dad. 180 00:14:26,451 --> 00:14:29,621 He's got a strong, determined jaw just like his old man there. 181 00:14:29,704 --> 00:14:31,873 [ Imitates Baby Cooing And Crying ] 182 00:14:31,956 --> 00:14:34,000 Whoops. [ Imitates Baby Crying ] 183 00:14:34,083 --> 00:14:37,253 - Great. Now you made him cry. - I don't believe this. 184 00:14:37,337 --> 00:14:41,633 [ Continues Imitating Baby Crying ] 185 00:14:45,261 --> 00:14:48,306 Is this okay? Would you rather breastfeed him? 186 00:14:48,389 --> 00:14:51,017 - Get away from me! - I'm gonna kill you! 187 00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:53,561 [ Gasps ] What kind of hospital is this? 188 00:14:53,645 --> 00:14:56,981 All right, Mr and Mrs Lamaze! 189 00:14:57,065 --> 00:15:00,944 You see, due to a slight clerical error, your son has been temporarily misplaced. 190 00:15:01,027 --> 00:15:04,822 - You lost our son? - Did I say lost? I said misplaced! 191 00:15:04,906 --> 00:15:09,702 I'm suing you for-- for malpractice, negligence-- you name it! 192 00:15:09,786 --> 00:15:14,499 Just jump all over me! What about the nine kids I didn't lose this week? 193 00:15:14,582 --> 00:15:17,585 My baby! What have they done with my baby? 194 00:15:17,669 --> 00:15:21,673 It was your fault. If you hadn't distracted me with that video equipment in the delivery room... 195 00:15:21,756 --> 00:15:24,425 I might not have misplaced your little brat! 196 00:15:24,509 --> 00:15:27,345 - Doctor. We found him. - See? 197 00:15:27,428 --> 00:15:31,933 - He was down the hall in the laundry hamper. - [ Both ] Oh! 198 00:15:32,016 --> 00:15:34,018 Oh, he's beautiful. 199 00:15:34,102 --> 00:15:37,438 I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves. 200 00:15:37,522 --> 00:15:41,693 All this hysteria when he was safe and sound not 20 feet from this room. 201 00:15:41,776 --> 00:15:46,364 Doctor, you're due in surgery for that kidney transplant. 202 00:15:46,447 --> 00:15:48,449 Where's the donor organ? 203 00:15:48,533 --> 00:15:50,535 The donor organ? 204 00:15:52,245 --> 00:15:54,414 God, I had it with me when I left the house this morning. 205 00:15:57,959 --> 00:16:01,796 [ Man ] Good morning and welcome to Movies Till Sunrise. 206 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:06,467 Our feature presentation is the 1 954 science fiction classic... 207 00:16:06,551 --> 00:16:08,803 Amazon Women on the Moon... 208 00:16:08,887 --> 00:16:12,307 starring Laird Granger and Greta Van Zandt... 209 00:16:12,390 --> 00:16:16,436 complete and uncut, with no commercial interruptions. 210 00:16:16,519 --> 00:16:18,479 This used to be me. 211 00:16:18,563 --> 00:16:21,399 Old before my years, ignored by women... 212 00:16:21,482 --> 00:16:23,484 passed over for promotions. 213 00:16:23,568 --> 00:16:25,987 But now all that has changed. 214 00:16:28,239 --> 00:16:30,950 Hi. I'm Sy Swerdlow... 215 00:16:31,034 --> 00:16:34,746 and I invented the patented process known as ''hair looming.'' 216 00:16:34,829 --> 00:16:39,792 If you suffer from premature hair loss, let our team of technicians... 217 00:16:39,876 --> 00:16:44,005 visit you in the privacy of your home... 218 00:16:44,088 --> 00:16:46,716 so there will be no embarrassment. 219 00:16:46,799 --> 00:16:49,344 You choose from our selection... 220 00:16:49,427 --> 00:16:52,722 of over 200 colours and styles. 221 00:16:52,805 --> 00:16:56,809 Then your head will be carpeted... 222 00:16:56,893 --> 00:16:59,729 - with 1 00% pure acrylic fibre, - [ Whirring ] 223 00:16:59,812 --> 00:17:01,814 - completely natural-looking. - [ Tacking ] 224 00:17:03,775 --> 00:17:05,944 You can sleep in it. 225 00:17:06,027 --> 00:17:08,321 You can shower in it. 226 00:17:08,404 --> 00:17:10,990 [ Vacuuming ] 227 00:17:11,074 --> 00:17:13,493 It changed my life... 228 00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:17,247 and it'll change yours. 229 00:17:17,330 --> 00:17:19,332 Call toll free-- 230 00:17:19,415 --> 00:17:23,044 1-800-GET-HAIR. 231 00:17:51,030 --> 00:17:53,658 [ Radio Static ] 232 00:17:56,953 --> 00:18:00,498 - Well, men, I've been studying this map of the lunar surface... - [ Monkey Chattering ] 233 00:18:00,582 --> 00:18:03,293 and I've chosen the dark side as our landing site. 234 00:18:03,376 --> 00:18:08,715 - So, don't forget your space beams. - Roger, Steve. 235 00:18:11,551 --> 00:18:15,346 Just think, Loony, in less than an hour, we're gonna be on the moon. 236 00:18:15,430 --> 00:18:19,434 The first thing I'm gonna do is carve me off a hunk of that green cheese. 237 00:18:19,517 --> 00:18:23,104 Now, Butch, you know one of the purposes of this mission... 238 00:18:23,188 --> 00:18:25,899 is to dispel some of those myths. 239 00:18:25,982 --> 00:18:28,526 Steve, I've got the president on the electro-scan. 240 00:18:32,572 --> 00:18:35,617 - Whillikers! - [ Beep ] 241 00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:37,785 [ Man ] Come in, men of Moon Rocket One. 242 00:18:37,869 --> 00:18:41,706 This is the president of the United States calling from planet Earth. 243 00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:45,793 We read you, Mr President. 244 00:18:45,877 --> 00:18:49,088 This is Steve Nelson, commander, Moon Rocket One. 245 00:18:49,172 --> 00:18:53,676 Commander Nelson, this is a proud day for all Americans... 246 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:57,180 and this year of 1 980 will be remembered as the year... 247 00:18:57,263 --> 00:19:00,058 an American first set foot on the moon. 248 00:19:00,141 --> 00:19:03,520 The governors of all 48 states join me... 249 00:19:03,603 --> 00:19:05,813 in wishing Godspeed to you... 250 00:19:05,897 --> 00:19:08,233 and your hand-picked team of scientists. 251 00:19:08,316 --> 00:19:10,360 That's us, Loony. 252 00:19:10,443 --> 00:19:13,571 Thank you, Mr President. We're proud to serve our country. 253 00:19:13,655 --> 00:19:15,657 Over and out. 254 00:19:17,158 --> 00:19:20,995 Blackie, neutralize the electro-scan. 255 00:19:21,079 --> 00:19:23,832 - [ Click ] - Electro-scan neutralized, sir. 256 00:19:23,915 --> 00:19:26,417 There she is, dead ahead! 257 00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:37,262 It's awesome, isn't it? 258 00:19:37,345 --> 00:19:39,973 [ Blackie ] I've got big plans for that piece of real estate. 259 00:19:40,056 --> 00:19:42,183 I'm going to sell advertising space on that. 260 00:19:42,267 --> 00:19:45,603 Just picture this-- the world's biggest billboard. 261 00:19:45,687 --> 00:19:47,689 We'll make a bundle. 262 00:19:47,772 --> 00:19:50,316 Hold your horses, Blackie. 263 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:53,653 This voyage is for the betterment of mankind. 264 00:19:53,736 --> 00:19:56,322 [ Voice Distorts ] Let's not any of us forget that. 265 00:19:56,406 --> 00:19:58,283 [ Distorted ] Sure, chief. 266 00:20:08,835 --> 00:20:10,837 There goes my lunch. 267 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,881 [ Groans ] 268 00:20:12,964 --> 00:20:15,341 It's right up there with my stomach. 269 00:20:15,425 --> 00:20:19,470 [ Chuckling ] Prepare for moon landing. 270 00:20:19,554 --> 00:20:23,391 - Initiate rotation system. - Rotation initiated. 271 00:20:24,309 --> 00:20:26,311 Reverse retros. 272 00:20:26,394 --> 00:20:28,396 Retros reversed. 273 00:20:35,445 --> 00:20:38,907 Steve, we're losing pressure in the atom chamber. 274 00:20:38,990 --> 00:20:40,992 If it drops any more, we're goners. 275 00:20:41,075 --> 00:20:45,288 [ Alarm Sounding ] 276 00:20:50,126 --> 00:20:52,128 Quick, Blackie, switch to the emergency-- 277 00:20:54,172 --> 00:20:58,760 Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree 278 00:20:58,843 --> 00:21:01,513 It's been three long years 279 00:21:01,596 --> 00:21:04,224 Do ya still want me 280 00:21:04,307 --> 00:21:09,729 If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak tree 281 00:21:09,812 --> 00:21:12,774 I'll stay on the bus forget about us 282 00:21:12,857 --> 00:21:14,984 Put the blame on me 283 00:21:15,068 --> 00:21:17,028 Did you know that every seven minutes... 284 00:21:17,111 --> 00:21:20,657 a black person is born in this country without soul? 285 00:21:20,740 --> 00:21:23,326 Hello, I'm B.B. King. 286 00:21:23,409 --> 00:21:26,246 Won't you help Don Simmons and the thousands of others... 287 00:21:26,329 --> 00:21:28,998 that suffer from this tragic disorder? 288 00:21:29,082 --> 00:21:33,419 Its cruel symptoms can strike anyone. Let's take a look. 289 00:21:33,503 --> 00:21:38,049 I think the Republican Party has done one heck of a job. Don't you,June? 290 00:21:38,132 --> 00:21:42,178 I'll say, Ward. We Republicans have turned this country around. 291 00:21:42,262 --> 00:21:44,305 [ Both Chuckling ] 292 00:21:44,389 --> 00:21:47,267 - [ Siren Wails ] - Safety and good mileage are the two things... 293 00:21:47,350 --> 00:21:50,144 I looked for in a new car. 294 00:21:50,228 --> 00:21:53,648 That's why I bought a Volvo station wagon. 295 00:21:53,731 --> 00:21:58,194 Hi. I'm president of the David Hartman Fan Club here in Glendale. 296 00:21:58,278 --> 00:22:01,447 I've even met David Hartman once. What a neat guy. 297 00:22:04,826 --> 00:22:07,996 Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny chim-chim cheree 298 00:22:08,079 --> 00:22:11,708 A sweep is as lucky as lucky can be 299 00:22:11,791 --> 00:22:15,003 Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny chim-chim cheroo 300 00:22:15,086 --> 00:22:18,464 Good luck will rub off when I shake hands with you 301 00:22:18,548 --> 00:22:21,759 This is B.B. King saying won't you please give... 302 00:22:21,843 --> 00:22:24,846 so that Don Simmons here and so many others... 303 00:22:24,929 --> 00:22:27,348 can become useful members of society. 304 00:22:27,432 --> 00:22:32,103 Or blow me a kiss and that's lucky too 305 00:22:32,187 --> 00:22:34,355 Write to-- 306 00:22:38,276 --> 00:22:40,320 Thank you. 307 00:22:44,657 --> 00:22:46,659 Be right there. 308 00:22:54,125 --> 00:22:56,085 - Karen? - Hi. 309 00:22:56,169 --> 00:22:58,171 - Hi. I'm Jerry Stone. - Hi,Jerry. Nice meeting you. 310 00:22:58,254 --> 00:23:00,673 - I'm sorry. I'm running a little bit late. - Don't worry about it. 311 00:23:00,757 --> 00:23:02,759 - You look nice. - Thank you. 312 00:23:04,302 --> 00:23:06,638 - This is a great apartment. - Thanks. 313 00:23:06,721 --> 00:23:08,723 [ Sprays ] 314 00:23:14,979 --> 00:23:17,398 Uh, I hope you like sushi. 315 00:23:17,482 --> 00:23:20,944 I made reservations at Tokyo Rose on Columbus. 316 00:23:21,027 --> 00:23:24,572 Great. I hear it's terrific. 317 00:23:24,656 --> 00:23:27,158 Normally there's a waiting list, but I know the maitre d; 318 00:23:28,868 --> 00:23:30,912 You know, I gotta tell you... 319 00:23:30,995 --> 00:23:33,873 I never go on blind dates, but, uh... 320 00:23:33,957 --> 00:23:38,002 I just have a feeling that this might be special. 321 00:23:39,420 --> 00:23:43,174 Jerry? Before we leave, do me one small favour, will you? 322 00:23:43,258 --> 00:23:45,260 Sure. What? 323 00:23:45,343 --> 00:23:49,472 Would you mind showing me a credit card and a valid driver's licence? 324 00:23:49,556 --> 00:23:54,018 - You're kidding. Why? - I'd like to run a ''couple compatibility'' check. 325 00:23:54,102 --> 00:23:57,689 What the heck is that? 326 00:23:57,772 --> 00:24:00,775 You know,Jerry, it's tough being a single girl in the big city. 327 00:24:00,859 --> 00:24:03,111 You meet all kinds of phoneys and creeps. 328 00:24:03,194 --> 00:24:06,364 That's why this machine comes in handy. 329 00:24:06,447 --> 00:24:10,618 I just enter your I.D., and the central computer will tell me about your background. 330 00:24:10,702 --> 00:24:13,288 [ Chuckles ] I don't want a bank loan. I just want to take you out. 331 00:24:13,371 --> 00:24:17,417 I know, but I'd feel better running a check. Two I.D.'s, please. 332 00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:20,461 You're serious. 333 00:24:20,545 --> 00:24:23,631 - [ Machine Beeps ] - It'll just take a minute. 334 00:24:23,715 --> 00:24:26,759 - This is ridiculous, but, uh-- - [ Punching Number Pad ] 335 00:24:28,761 --> 00:24:30,763 - Here's, uh-- - Three-one-six. 336 00:24:30,847 --> 00:24:33,641 - That's a cute picture. [ Chuckles ] - MasterCard. 337 00:24:42,483 --> 00:24:44,485 I don't know how I ever got along without one of these. 338 00:24:44,569 --> 00:24:46,571 Changed my life. 339 00:24:46,654 --> 00:24:48,656 Feel the same way about my VCR. 340 00:24:48,740 --> 00:24:51,201 Ooh. Right now I'm taping Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep. 341 00:24:51,284 --> 00:24:54,871 - I love Meryl Streep. - Oh, I am so into her. 342 00:24:54,954 --> 00:24:56,664 [ Sighs ] 343 00:24:56,748 --> 00:25:00,168 - [ Printer Buzzing ] - Here it comes now. 344 00:25:11,346 --> 00:25:13,348 - [ Laughs ] - [ Bell Dings ] 345 00:25:15,391 --> 00:25:19,103 - All that about me? Geez. - They are very thorough. 346 00:25:21,022 --> 00:25:24,776 - [ Giggles ] This is great! - What? What? 347 00:25:29,364 --> 00:25:32,200 - Oh. - What do you got there? 348 00:25:37,956 --> 00:25:42,210 - Uh-oh. [ Sighs ] - Uh-oh? What's-- What's uh-oh? 349 00:25:42,293 --> 00:25:44,295 Jerry... 350 00:25:47,423 --> 00:25:50,552 does the name Debbie Rothenberg mean anything to you? 351 00:25:50,635 --> 00:25:54,472 Uh-- Debbie Rothenberg. Uh-- 352 00:25:54,556 --> 00:25:56,808 Oh, yeah. I think I went out with her once or twice. 353 00:25:56,891 --> 00:26:00,603 You had sex with her on the second date, and then you never called her again. 354 00:26:00,687 --> 00:26:04,315 - I hate when guys do that. - It says all that? 355 00:26:04,399 --> 00:26:06,860 [ Scoffs ] Does the phrase ''You're not only beautiful... 356 00:26:06,943 --> 00:26:10,321 but you're someone I feel I can open up to'' mean anything to you? 357 00:26:10,405 --> 00:26:12,407 [ Chuckles ] 358 00:26:12,490 --> 00:26:15,493 I'm not surprised. You've used that line on your last 1 6 dates. 359 00:26:15,577 --> 00:26:17,829 Look, this is ridiculous. 360 00:26:17,912 --> 00:26:21,249 Debbie-- Uh, Karen, I think... 361 00:26:21,332 --> 00:26:23,543 that we have something very special here. 362 00:26:23,626 --> 00:26:27,005 - You're not like the other women you-- - ''You meet in the city.'' 363 00:26:27,088 --> 00:26:29,507 See what I mean? 364 00:26:29,591 --> 00:26:31,593 And,Jerry... 365 00:26:33,678 --> 00:26:36,681 I could never get serious about someone who's selfish in bed. 366 00:26:36,764 --> 00:26:41,603 - ''Who's selfish in bed''? - Well, how would you describe a man... 367 00:26:41,686 --> 00:26:45,190 who satisfies his own needs and rolls over and goes to sleep? 368 00:26:45,273 --> 00:26:47,817 - I never did that in my life! - Eleven times! 369 00:26:47,901 --> 00:26:51,613 - You want names and dates? - No. No, I do not! Look, hey, hold it. 370 00:26:51,696 --> 00:26:54,782 Anyway, that is just a small fraction of the hundreds of times... 371 00:26:54,866 --> 00:26:56,868 I've been intimate with women. 372 00:26:56,951 --> 00:26:59,329 We're exaggerating a little, aren't we,Jerry? 373 00:27:01,206 --> 00:27:04,334 The record only shows 2 1 sexual intimacies. 374 00:27:06,252 --> 00:27:10,673 - There you are. - This doesn't jibe with my figures. Okay, sweetie? 375 00:27:10,757 --> 00:27:14,677 Jerry, the statistics don't paint the picture of a mature man. 376 00:27:14,761 --> 00:27:17,138 Twelve times, you ignored your date at a party... 377 00:27:17,222 --> 00:27:19,682 to flirt with a more attractive woman. 378 00:27:19,766 --> 00:27:24,729 1 69 times, you feigned interest when a woman was talking about her career. 379 00:27:25,772 --> 00:27:29,150 On 1 7 occasions, you lied to women... 380 00:27:29,234 --> 00:27:32,612 telling them you were really into sushi and Meryl Streep movies. 381 00:27:33,821 --> 00:27:35,865 Make that 1 8 times. 382 00:27:37,575 --> 00:27:40,411 Wh-Wh-Where do they get these figures? 383 00:27:40,495 --> 00:27:42,497 As you can see, Jerry... 384 00:27:42,580 --> 00:27:45,083 it would be pointless for you and I to go out. 385 00:27:45,166 --> 00:27:47,168 Oh, yeah? 386 00:27:47,252 --> 00:27:49,796 Well, I'm gonna get one of those machines and see how well you come off! 387 00:27:49,879 --> 00:27:52,257 - Okay? - Goodnight,Jerry. 388 00:27:52,340 --> 00:27:54,759 It's early yet. Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar. 389 00:27:57,846 --> 00:27:59,848 Like you did last Thursday. 390 00:28:02,725 --> 00:28:04,894 Hello, Beverly? 391 00:28:04,978 --> 00:28:07,146 - [ Woman ] Yeah? - Hi. 392 00:28:07,230 --> 00:28:10,608 This is Jerry Stone. We met the other night at Dave's party. 393 00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:15,697 - Oh. Hi. - Hi. 394 00:28:15,780 --> 00:28:18,032 Listen, I know it's last minute... 395 00:28:18,116 --> 00:28:21,327 but I wanna ask you, are you free tonight? 396 00:28:21,411 --> 00:28:23,496 Uh, yeah. 397 00:28:23,580 --> 00:28:25,540 You are. Great. 398 00:28:25,623 --> 00:28:30,378 Listen, I can pick you up in 1 0 minutes. 399 00:28:30,461 --> 00:28:33,173 [ Chuckles ] Sure, okay. 400 00:28:33,256 --> 00:28:36,467 - Oh,Jerry, um-- - Yeah? 401 00:28:36,551 --> 00:28:40,054 Could you bring a major credit card and a valid driver's licence? 402 00:28:42,140 --> 00:28:44,142 Jerry? 403 00:28:46,686 --> 00:28:51,232 [ Man ] Extraterrestrials. Strange phenomena. 404 00:28:51,316 --> 00:28:54,736 Missing persons. Lost continents. 405 00:28:54,819 --> 00:28:58,156 Myths and monsters. 406 00:28:58,239 --> 00:29:02,076 We examine these mysteries to determine... 407 00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:05,121 are they bullshit or not? 408 00:29:10,835 --> 00:29:12,837 London's West End. 409 00:29:12,921 --> 00:29:16,466 Here, in the winter of 1 888... 410 00:29:16,549 --> 00:29:19,969 a series of bizarre and violent murders occurred... 411 00:29:20,053 --> 00:29:24,516 which remain unsolved to this very day. 412 00:29:32,232 --> 00:29:34,567 Jack the Ripper. 413 00:29:34,651 --> 00:29:38,154 Was he a prosperous London surgeon? 414 00:29:38,238 --> 00:29:41,115 Perhaps a member of British royalty. 415 00:29:41,199 --> 00:29:45,411 Well, our Bullshit team has unearthed... 416 00:29:45,495 --> 00:29:48,164 spectacular new evidence which suggests... 417 00:29:49,707 --> 00:29:52,335 that Jack the Ripper was, in fact... 418 00:29:53,670 --> 00:29:56,297 the Loch Ness monster. 419 00:29:56,381 --> 00:29:59,551 Is it possible that Nessie... 420 00:29:59,634 --> 00:30:04,472 murdered five streetwalkers before returning to Loch Ness? 421 00:30:04,556 --> 00:30:06,558 Using undiscovered evidence... 422 00:30:06,641 --> 00:30:10,103 we've pieced together the events leading up to the first murder. 423 00:30:10,186 --> 00:30:12,564 Although this is a Bullshit re-enactment... 424 00:30:12,647 --> 00:30:15,483 it may have happened just this way. 425 00:30:15,567 --> 00:30:18,736 Hello, dearie. Show you a good time for a quid. 426 00:30:18,820 --> 00:30:20,905 Throw the wife in for free. Oh, gents. 427 00:30:20,989 --> 00:30:24,826 Don't you want a girl to keep you warm tonight? 428 00:30:24,909 --> 00:30:29,497 [ Sighs ] Me mum told me there would be nights like this. 429 00:30:29,581 --> 00:30:32,083 - [ Murmuring ] - Oh, my! 430 00:30:32,167 --> 00:30:35,879 You are a big one, now, aren't you? 431 00:30:35,962 --> 00:30:38,047 Come on, darlin'. 432 00:30:40,592 --> 00:30:42,594 [ Chortling ] 433 00:30:44,387 --> 00:30:47,432 [ Wheels Squeaking ] 434 00:30:50,602 --> 00:30:54,272 Mind you, don't you be steppin' on my feet now. 435 00:30:54,355 --> 00:30:58,234 - [ Murmuring ] - Ooh! 436 00:30:58,318 --> 00:31:01,863 Aren't you in an hurry! Now, will you be careful. 437 00:31:01,946 --> 00:31:04,574 Not so rough, da-- Wait a min-- 438 00:31:04,657 --> 00:31:07,452 [ Screaming ] 439 00:31:10,163 --> 00:31:12,415 Is this the way it happened? 440 00:31:12,499 --> 00:31:16,503 Was Jack the Ripper, in fact, a 60-foot sea serpent from Scotland? 441 00:31:17,962 --> 00:31:21,841 Did I take this job for a quick buck? 442 00:31:21,925 --> 00:31:25,470 We may never know the answers to these questions. Next week-- 443 00:31:26,346 --> 00:31:28,806 Come on. 444 00:31:28,890 --> 00:31:31,684 [ Man ] To recap the three movies that we reviewed this week... 445 00:31:31,768 --> 00:31:33,895 here on Critics Corner... 446 00:31:33,978 --> 00:31:36,481 Marc and I both gave a big thumbs up... 447 00:31:36,564 --> 00:31:40,568 - to the new Swedish film directed by, uh-- - Olaf Svensen. 448 00:31:40,652 --> 00:31:45,198 Olaf Svensen, called The Winter of My Despondency. 449 00:31:45,281 --> 00:31:49,077 - Haunting abstract symbolism. - It's arty crap. 450 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:52,080 - Jonathan and I did split, however... - [ Yawns ] 451 00:31:52,163 --> 00:31:55,917 on the newest teenage romp called Frat Slobs. 452 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,169 Jonathan, I think, thought it to be... 453 00:31:58,253 --> 00:32:01,256 a light, frothy souffle... 454 00:32:01,339 --> 00:32:04,092 - sizzling with youthful energy. - That I did. 455 00:32:04,175 --> 00:32:07,804 On the other hand, I thought it was pond scum. 456 00:32:07,887 --> 00:32:10,723 You're an albino. What the hell do you know? 457 00:32:10,807 --> 00:32:12,767 We have a new feature we'd like to introduce on Critics Corner... 458 00:32:12,851 --> 00:32:16,563 we hope you'll enjoy. We call it ''Real Life Reviews''... 459 00:32:16,646 --> 00:32:20,900 in which we critique the life of an average person just like you. 460 00:32:20,984 --> 00:32:25,989 Jonathan will begin with a review of the life of Harvey Putnik. 461 00:32:26,072 --> 00:32:28,867 - [ Jonathan ] No. Pitnik. - Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana. 462 00:32:28,950 --> 00:32:30,952 - Illinois. - Illinois. 463 00:32:31,035 --> 00:32:34,205 - Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois. - Bernice. Bernice, come here. 464 00:32:34,289 --> 00:32:36,291 They're talking about me on the television. 465 00:32:36,374 --> 00:32:38,376 - What? - Come here. 466 00:32:38,459 --> 00:32:41,713 - Harvey Pitnik would seem to have all the ingredients... - [ Bernice, Harvey Laugh ] 467 00:32:41,796 --> 00:32:44,132 - for a successful life. - You'd think so. 468 00:32:44,215 --> 00:32:46,843 - So why does he fail so miserably? - I don't know. 469 00:32:46,926 --> 00:32:49,179 I think the problem is with Harvey himself. 470 00:32:49,262 --> 00:32:51,431 - What the hell is this? - You're right. It is Harvey. 471 00:32:51,514 --> 00:32:53,349 Very good,Jonathan. It is Harvey. 472 00:32:53,433 --> 00:32:56,311 So, we're supposed to care about this Harvey Pitnik? 473 00:32:56,394 --> 00:33:02,150 Why? I mean, it takes him 30 years to develop any character at all... 474 00:33:02,233 --> 00:33:04,652 and by the time he does, who cares? 475 00:33:04,736 --> 00:33:07,947 - They're crucifying me. - It's hardly worth the wait. 476 00:33:08,031 --> 00:33:10,950 - He didn't like Gandhi either. - Let me show you. 477 00:33:11,034 --> 00:33:15,246 Here's a scene from last year as Harvey is coming home from work. 478 00:33:15,330 --> 00:33:18,333 [ Groans, Sighs ] 479 00:33:23,755 --> 00:33:26,674 - Oh. Hi, Scraps. - [ Low Growl ] 480 00:33:26,758 --> 00:33:28,843 - Hi, Dad. - Hi, kids. 481 00:33:28,927 --> 00:33:31,596 - [ Harvey ] How did they do this? - Hi, honey. 482 00:33:31,679 --> 00:33:33,806 Hi, dear. Ooh. Potatoes. 483 00:33:33,890 --> 00:33:38,645 I didn't cons-- I didn't consent for this to be on TV. 484 00:33:38,728 --> 00:33:41,856 - Dinner'll be ready in five minutes. - Okay. 485 00:33:44,609 --> 00:33:46,611 [ Sighs ] 486 00:33:50,281 --> 00:33:53,868 - Some exciting home life, huh? - And it goes on like that... 487 00:33:53,952 --> 00:33:57,288 tediously, day in and day out. 488 00:33:57,372 --> 00:33:59,374 - Where's the love? - Where's the passion? 489 00:33:59,457 --> 00:34:04,003 Where's the examination of one's own existence? 490 00:34:04,087 --> 00:34:07,173 This is a poor excuse for a life. 491 00:34:07,257 --> 00:34:10,051 I give Harvey Pitnik a-- a big thumbs down. 492 00:34:10,134 --> 00:34:13,096 - [ Harvey ] Thumbs down? - I give him a thumbs down too. 493 00:34:13,179 --> 00:34:16,641 But I didn't hate Harvey quite as much as you, Jonathan. 494 00:34:16,724 --> 00:34:21,604 Oh, granted, his life was a miserable waste of time... 495 00:34:21,688 --> 00:34:24,482 but I rather enjoyed the Kafkaesque touches. 496 00:34:24,566 --> 00:34:28,194 Here's a loser trapped in a dead-end job... 497 00:34:28,278 --> 00:34:30,738 and a-- a loveless marriage. 498 00:34:30,822 --> 00:34:34,868 - How do they know that? - [ Marc ] Couldn't they have done anything to make this man human? 499 00:34:34,951 --> 00:34:36,911 Think of the money it took to bring him into the world. 500 00:34:36,995 --> 00:34:41,291 - A ton! - To feed him and to clothe him and then to educate him. 501 00:34:41,374 --> 00:34:43,668 And after all that, what have you got? 502 00:34:43,751 --> 00:34:46,629 - You've got a big bore! - A dull clod! 503 00:34:46,713 --> 00:34:49,716 An empty suit. And another thing... 504 00:34:49,799 --> 00:34:51,759 I was always one step ahead of this guy's life. 505 00:34:51,843 --> 00:34:54,304 - There just were no surprises! - No. Wait a minute. 506 00:34:54,387 --> 00:34:57,182 What about the ending of his life? That came as a surprise. 507 00:34:57,265 --> 00:34:59,684 - Ending? - I saw that coming a mile away! 508 00:34:59,767 --> 00:35:01,769 - I didn't. - What ending? 509 00:35:01,853 --> 00:35:04,606 - The high blood pressure. The lack of exercise. - True. Uh-huh. 510 00:35:04,689 --> 00:35:06,649 - The bad diet. - Of course. 511 00:35:06,733 --> 00:35:11,988 By the time he finally has his heart attack in front of the TV, big deal! 512 00:35:12,071 --> 00:35:14,949 - Heart attack? Heart attack? - [ Marc ] It's such a mundane way to go. 513 00:35:15,033 --> 00:35:17,952 What are they talking about? A heart attack? I didn't have a-- [ Groans ] 514 00:35:18,036 --> 00:35:22,624 [ Marc ] Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if, say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft? 515 00:35:22,707 --> 00:35:25,960 - He should've died years earlier. - Maybe in a submarine accident. 516 00:35:26,044 --> 00:35:29,964 - [ Bernice ] Harvey? Oh, my God! - Possibly a giant squid. 517 00:35:30,048 --> 00:35:32,967 - Something to add a little science fiction to it. - I'm calling an ambulance. 518 00:35:33,051 --> 00:35:35,720 - I'm calling an ambulance! - A tragic waste, but who cares? 519 00:35:35,803 --> 00:35:38,473 Oh, I see our time is up. We want to thank you very much... 520 00:35:38,556 --> 00:35:40,600 for joining us on Critics Corner. 521 00:35:40,683 --> 00:35:43,895 Hope you'll be back next week when we'll have an aisle seat reserved just for you. 522 00:35:43,978 --> 00:35:45,980 - Bye-bye. - [ Organ: Perky Theme ] 523 00:35:46,064 --> 00:35:49,025 There's so many things he could've done. He could've had a better haircut. 524 00:35:50,777 --> 00:35:54,072 [ Man ] We now return to the 1 95 7 film... 525 00:35:54,155 --> 00:35:56,157 Amazon Women on the Moon... 526 00:35:56,241 --> 00:35:58,785 starring Bill Thomas and Buzzy Clark. 527 00:35:58,868 --> 00:36:01,621 There will be no further interruptions. 528 00:36:09,462 --> 00:36:11,464 Well, here we are on the moon. 529 00:36:15,093 --> 00:36:17,053 [ Butch ] This place gives me the willies. 530 00:36:17,136 --> 00:36:19,681 Think we'll run into any moon men? 531 00:36:19,764 --> 00:36:22,225 Not intelligent life as you and I know it, Butch. 532 00:36:22,308 --> 00:36:26,437 If there are any Martians, I'll bet they speak the universal language-- 533 00:36:26,521 --> 00:36:28,481 do-re-mi! 534 00:36:28,565 --> 00:36:31,776 You remember the space oath you took at the academy, Blackie? 535 00:36:31,860 --> 00:36:35,572 ''I will not exploit other worlds for personal gain.'' 536 00:36:35,655 --> 00:36:37,657 Look at that. 537 00:36:38,700 --> 00:36:42,162 Follow me, men. Keep your eyes open. 538 00:36:42,245 --> 00:36:44,664 [ Murray ] Selma! 539 00:37:29,792 --> 00:37:35,089 - [ Loony Chattering ] - Hey, dig that crazy full moon. 540 00:37:35,173 --> 00:37:38,760 That's a full Earth, Butch. Remember where we are. 541 00:37:38,843 --> 00:37:41,346 Zowie! 542 00:37:41,429 --> 00:37:43,848 This is only a hunch, but-- 543 00:37:43,932 --> 00:37:46,142 Steve! What are you doing? You're committing suicide! 544 00:37:48,019 --> 00:37:51,272 [ Inhales Deeply ] Just as I thought. 545 00:37:51,356 --> 00:37:53,441 The moon has an atmosphere similar to Earth's. 546 00:37:53,525 --> 00:37:55,527 Take off your helmets, boys. 547 00:37:58,071 --> 00:38:00,448 - [ Inhales ] - [ Laughing ] 548 00:38:00,532 --> 00:38:02,492 Good old HO. 549 00:38:02,575 --> 00:38:04,869 Steve, fill me in. How'd you figure it out? 550 00:38:04,953 --> 00:38:07,455 Seems like Loony figured it out first. 551 00:38:07,539 --> 00:38:11,626 - [ Chittering ] - [ All Chuckling ] 552 00:38:11,709 --> 00:38:14,879 That's my Loony, a regular Einstein. 553 00:38:14,963 --> 00:38:16,965 [ All Chuckling ] 554 00:38:17,048 --> 00:38:19,008 - Look! - [ Roaring ] 555 00:38:24,055 --> 00:38:27,934 - [ Yawns ] - [ Announcer ] Are your parties dull and boring? 556 00:38:28,017 --> 00:38:30,770 - [ Sighs ] - Well, why not liven them up... 557 00:38:30,854 --> 00:38:33,231 with the snack food that's sweeping America. 558 00:38:33,314 --> 00:38:37,443 Mmm! Say, Mike, this is some great pate. It has such a unique flavour. 559 00:38:37,527 --> 00:38:42,407 It's more than just an ordinary pate, Bill. Watch. 560 00:38:42,490 --> 00:38:45,660 - [ Boing ] - [ People ] Whoa! 561 00:38:45,743 --> 00:38:49,038 What the-- You know, I never saw an appetizer do that before. 562 00:38:49,122 --> 00:38:51,499 Well, you never tried Silly Pate before! 563 00:38:51,583 --> 00:38:55,503 Not only is it fun at parties, it's low in saturated fats. 564 00:38:55,587 --> 00:38:58,047 And look. 565 00:38:58,131 --> 00:39:01,759 - It picks up your favourite comic strip! - [ Gasping ] 566 00:39:01,843 --> 00:39:03,845 I'm eating Doonesbury. 567 00:39:04,929 --> 00:39:07,432 And I'm eating Beetle Bailey. 568 00:39:07,515 --> 00:39:11,269 - [ All Laughing ] - [ Announcer ] You'll never have a dull, lifeless party again... 569 00:39:11,352 --> 00:39:13,354 with Silly Pate. 570 00:39:13,438 --> 00:39:15,064 [ Boing ] 571 00:39:15,148 --> 00:39:18,443 Available in all fine gourmet shops and toy stores everywhere. 572 00:39:19,319 --> 00:39:21,654 - [ Organ ] - [ Woman Crying ] 573 00:39:27,911 --> 00:39:29,913 - [ Sobbing ] - It's time, Mrs Pitnik. 574 00:39:32,790 --> 00:39:34,751 Do I have to? 575 00:39:34,834 --> 00:39:37,337 Yeah. We need the room again at 4.00. 576 00:39:38,630 --> 00:39:41,549 [ Clears Throat ] Come on. 577 00:39:41,633 --> 00:39:44,844 I-Is Har-Harvey here? 578 00:39:44,928 --> 00:39:48,223 - Yeah. He's in repose. He looks great. - Oh! 579 00:39:48,306 --> 00:39:52,060 Okay, let's move along. That's right. 580 00:39:52,143 --> 00:39:55,730 Just relax, Mrs Pitnik. You're young. You'll-- You'll meet someone. 581 00:39:55,813 --> 00:39:59,567 - [ Sobs ] - Send the kids to camp. That's what I would do. 582 00:40:01,152 --> 00:40:03,279 Okay, family up front, on the left. 583 00:40:05,615 --> 00:40:08,284 - Well, I guess that's it. - [ Chattering ] 584 00:40:17,710 --> 00:40:20,213 [ Chattering ] 585 00:40:21,548 --> 00:40:23,550 Everything's taken care of. Everything. 586 00:40:23,633 --> 00:40:26,094 And the buffet? To die. 587 00:40:26,177 --> 00:40:29,305 - Hey, Scooter. Cute stuff. - [ Sniffling, Crying ] 588 00:40:30,974 --> 00:40:34,978 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a wake. 589 00:40:35,061 --> 00:40:39,148 - So let's have fun with it, huh? Everybody, have a great time. - [ Organ Stops ] 590 00:40:39,232 --> 00:40:41,234 [ Uptempo ] 591 00:40:46,364 --> 00:40:48,324 [ Man On P.A. ] Welcome to the O'Leary Funeral Home... 592 00:40:48,408 --> 00:40:52,954 where many of the nation's top comedians have gathered to roast our guest of honour... 593 00:40:53,037 --> 00:40:55,665 the late Harvey Pitnik! 594 00:40:56,666 --> 00:41:00,503 Please welcome... Rip Taylor! 595 00:41:00,587 --> 00:41:03,798 - [ Singing Gibberish ] - [ Applause ] 596 00:41:05,550 --> 00:41:08,553 - Slappy White! - [ No Audible Dialogue ] 597 00:41:11,055 --> 00:41:13,433 Jackie Vernon! 598 00:41:15,435 --> 00:41:18,521 - Henny Youngman! - [ No Audible Dialogue ] 599 00:41:20,231 --> 00:41:22,692 Charlie Callas! 600 00:41:26,279 --> 00:41:29,866 And our roast master-- Mr Steve Allen! 601 00:41:29,949 --> 00:41:32,535 [ People Gasping ] 602 00:41:32,619 --> 00:41:35,914 [ Crescendoes, Stops ] 603 00:41:35,997 --> 00:41:38,374 And here he is, our man of the hour-- 604 00:41:38,458 --> 00:41:41,503 - [ Drum Roll ] - Mr Harvey Pitnik! 605 00:41:41,586 --> 00:41:45,590 - [ Sobbing ] There's Harvey! - [''Funeral March''] 606 00:41:48,801 --> 00:41:51,221 [Jokey Segue, Stops ] 607 00:41:52,889 --> 00:41:56,392 - Thank you, ladies and mourners. - [ Hammy Laughter ] 608 00:41:56,476 --> 00:41:58,853 That's all right, Harvey. Don't get up. 609 00:41:58,937 --> 00:42:01,981 - [ Laughter Continues ] - [ Loud Sob ] 610 00:42:02,065 --> 00:42:04,025 Anyway, be that as it may-- and I doubt if it was-- 611 00:42:04,108 --> 00:42:08,613 tonight we are here to pay tribute to a close, personal friend... 612 00:42:08,696 --> 00:42:12,575 Harvey Pupik-- I'm sorry. Uh, Pitnik. Harvey Pitnik. 613 00:42:12,659 --> 00:42:16,663 Harvey was a man, my friends, who was the same in life... 614 00:42:16,746 --> 00:42:21,417 - as he is in death-- a stiff! - [ Mourners Laughing ] 615 00:42:21,501 --> 00:42:25,797 But all seriousness aside, we are going to lay two things to rest-- 616 00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:30,134 Harvey Pitnik and the rumour that Charlie Callas is funny. 617 00:42:30,218 --> 00:42:34,514 - [ Laughter ] - Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny man, Charlie Callas. 618 00:42:34,597 --> 00:42:37,433 - [Jazzy ] - [ Applause ] 619 00:42:37,517 --> 00:42:39,435 Thank you. Thank you. 620 00:42:39,519 --> 00:42:42,313 - [ Ends ] - Thank you. Harvey, keep it down! 621 00:42:42,397 --> 00:42:45,984 - [ Nonsense Noises ] - [ Laughter ] 622 00:42:46,067 --> 00:42:50,655 Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're here to pay homage to the late Harvey Potemkin-- 623 00:42:50,738 --> 00:42:53,700 - Peshtabil-- Poshbulv-- whatever. - [ Chuckling ] 624 00:42:53,783 --> 00:42:55,994 - Who cares? Does it matter now? - [ Allen ] No, no. 625 00:42:56,077 --> 00:43:01,374 And if Harvey were alive today, he'd be a very sick man. [ Giggles ] 626 00:43:01,457 --> 00:43:06,337 - [ Imitates Taxicab Horn ] - [ Laughter ] 627 00:43:06,421 --> 00:43:08,882 [Jazzy ] 628 00:43:08,965 --> 00:43:12,177 We had-- I'm sorry to make this announcement. We had two disappointments tonight-- 629 00:43:12,260 --> 00:43:16,556 Milton Berle could not make it and Rip Taylor could. [ Laughs ] 630 00:43:16,639 --> 00:43:18,766 - Ladies and gentlemen, Rip Taylor. - All right. 631 00:43:18,850 --> 00:43:20,935 - [ Fast ] - [ Applause ] 632 00:43:21,019 --> 00:43:23,771 - [ Applause Continues ] - [ Ends ] 633 00:43:23,855 --> 00:43:27,025 - Thank you so much. Thank you so much. - [ Applause Fades ] 634 00:43:27,108 --> 00:43:29,068 Thank you. Thank you so much, Steve. 635 00:43:29,152 --> 00:43:32,489 Charlie said, ''Harvey, keep it down.'' Thank you. 636 00:43:32,572 --> 00:43:36,284 - Oh, well, there goes that act. - [ Laughing ] 637 00:43:36,367 --> 00:43:39,078 The president couldn't be here, Harvey, so he sent a wire. 638 00:43:39,162 --> 00:43:42,207 - [ Cackles ] - [ Laughter ] 639 00:43:42,290 --> 00:43:44,834 Tell 'em. It's a-- Never mind. 640 00:43:44,918 --> 00:43:47,670 What's this, an audience or a funeral? Now, pay attention, please. 641 00:43:47,754 --> 00:43:51,633 But I'm a little nervous because Harvey was a personal friend of mine... 642 00:43:51,716 --> 00:43:55,345 and there's not a person in this room that Harvey Pitnik did not touch. 643 00:43:55,428 --> 00:43:59,933 I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks and Steve for 20. [ Cackles ] 644 00:44:00,016 --> 00:44:03,019 Folks, I don't dance. This is it, you see. 645 00:44:03,102 --> 00:44:05,730 [ Laughing ] 646 00:44:05,813 --> 00:44:10,109 But I do feel for his widow, Bernice. That was a romantic marriage. 647 00:44:10,193 --> 00:44:14,030 She learned everything about sex from a manual. 648 00:44:14,113 --> 00:44:17,742 Emanuel was their gardener. [ Cackles ] 649 00:44:17,826 --> 00:44:21,996 - [ Crowd Laughing ] - [ Laughing ] I'm sorry. I better wrap it up now, folks. 650 00:44:22,080 --> 00:44:26,125 'Cause you know the old axiom in show business-- ''get off quick.'' 651 00:44:26,209 --> 00:44:28,169 Like Harvey on his wedding night. 652 00:44:28,253 --> 00:44:33,007 - Could you die? I gotta go. Goodbye. Thank you so much. - [ Fanfare ] 653 00:44:33,091 --> 00:44:36,010 Thank you, folks. I'm thrilled to be here tonight to pay tribute... 654 00:44:36,094 --> 00:44:38,012 to the late Harvey Pitnik. 655 00:44:38,096 --> 00:44:40,056 But enough about Harvey. 656 00:44:40,139 --> 00:44:43,268 [ Mourners, Panellists Laughing ] 657 00:44:43,351 --> 00:44:46,062 - Take my wife. Please. - [ Continue Laughing ] 658 00:44:48,606 --> 00:44:52,610 Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. 659 00:44:55,864 --> 00:44:59,450 Why do Jewish guys die before their wives? They want to. 660 00:44:59,534 --> 00:45:03,163 [ Laughter, Scattered Applause ] 661 00:45:04,289 --> 00:45:06,249 And that's what I think of you, Harvey. 662 00:45:06,332 --> 00:45:11,546 - [ Laughter, Applause ] - [Jazzy Fanfare ] 663 00:45:13,506 --> 00:45:17,177 -Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip down memory lane. And now-- -[ Laughing ] 664 00:45:17,260 --> 00:45:20,555 - [ Rimshot ] - [ Laughing ] 665 00:45:20,638 --> 00:45:25,268 But seriously. Henny, you were never funnier... and it's a shame. 666 00:45:25,351 --> 00:45:29,772 - [Jazzy Fanfare ] - [ White ] But I was asked to say a couple of words about Harvey. 667 00:45:29,856 --> 00:45:33,234 How about ''ugly'' and ''cheap''? 668 00:45:33,318 --> 00:45:36,362 Harvey wrote his will on his cock... 669 00:45:36,446 --> 00:45:39,616 and his lawyer said it would not stand up in court. 670 00:45:39,699 --> 00:45:45,246 - [ Laughter, Pounding On Table ] - [ No Audible Dialogue ] 671 00:45:45,330 --> 00:45:48,583 - Okay, Mrs Pitnik. You're on. - What? 672 00:45:48,666 --> 00:45:50,919 - You're on. - Oh, no. Oh, no. I really can't-- 673 00:45:51,002 --> 00:45:55,006 - You're the widow. You've got to give Harvey's rebuttal. - No, no, I can't go up there. 674 00:45:55,089 --> 00:45:58,635 - I can't do this. - But in conclusion, I'd like to say, congratulations, Harvey. 675 00:45:58,718 --> 00:46:04,390 Rigor mortis is the closest you ever come to a hard-on in 1 5 years. 676 00:46:04,474 --> 00:46:07,810 - I thank you. - [ Applause, Whistling ] 677 00:46:07,894 --> 00:46:12,315 [ Band Imitating Laughter ] 678 00:46:14,359 --> 00:46:16,903 Harvey himself is gonna throw in his two cents... 679 00:46:16,986 --> 00:46:20,031 as soon as we take 'em off his eyelids. 680 00:46:20,114 --> 00:46:22,909 [ Laughing ] I don't get it. I don't get it. 681 00:46:22,992 --> 00:46:27,288 And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our guest of honour, his lovely widow, Bernice. 682 00:46:27,372 --> 00:46:30,291 And nothing's changed, Harvey. She's still gonna be doing all the talking. 683 00:46:30,375 --> 00:46:32,335 [ Laughs ] Bernice Pitnik! 684 00:46:32,418 --> 00:46:37,090 - [ Applause ] - [Jazz ] 685 00:46:37,173 --> 00:46:40,051 [ Continues ] 686 00:46:40,134 --> 00:46:42,136 - Lovely woman. - [ Ends ] 687 00:46:44,848 --> 00:46:46,766 - [ Sighs ] - [ Applause Fades ] 688 00:46:46,850 --> 00:46:48,977 Thank you, Merv-- I mean, Steve. 689 00:46:49,060 --> 00:46:53,148 - That's quite all right. - [ Clears Throat, Swallows ] 690 00:46:53,231 --> 00:46:57,527 Now, well, I would like to inject a serious note... 691 00:46:57,610 --> 00:47:00,613 as, uh, Henny Youngman did earlier. 692 00:47:00,697 --> 00:47:05,577 [ Scattered Laughter ] 693 00:47:07,036 --> 00:47:09,455 I want to say to... 694 00:47:09,539 --> 00:47:13,835 Harvey, my late husband... 695 00:47:14,919 --> 00:47:17,005 as I look down at you... 696 00:47:17,088 --> 00:47:20,008 lying there motionless... 697 00:47:20,091 --> 00:47:22,552 I can only think of one thing-- 698 00:47:23,595 --> 00:47:25,889 - our wedding night. - [ Laughter ] 699 00:47:25,972 --> 00:47:28,766 - [ Sighs ] - [ Laughter Continues, Fades ] 700 00:47:28,850 --> 00:47:32,103 [ Chuckles ] I'll never forget my-- 701 00:47:32,187 --> 00:47:36,357 my last moments with... Harvey... 702 00:47:36,441 --> 00:47:39,986 - [ Laughter ] - as I-- as I took him into my arms... 703 00:47:40,069 --> 00:47:44,282 and I whispered those three little words: 704 00:47:44,365 --> 00:47:47,160 - ''Sign the will.'' - [ Rimshot ] 705 00:47:47,243 --> 00:47:49,162 - [ Laughter ] - [ Laughs ] 706 00:47:49,245 --> 00:47:51,789 - [ Laughing ] Great. - But seriously... 707 00:47:51,873 --> 00:47:53,875 I'm glad to see Slappy White here today. 708 00:47:53,958 --> 00:47:57,086 Now at least I know my hubcaps are safe. 709 00:47:57,170 --> 00:47:59,255 [ Laughs ] 710 00:48:00,715 --> 00:48:02,884 And Rip Taylor, is that a toupee... 711 00:48:02,967 --> 00:48:05,720 or did a beaver curl up and die on your head? 712 00:48:07,096 --> 00:48:09,641 - [ Laughing ] - [Jazz ] 713 00:48:09,724 --> 00:48:14,729 As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm not so sure we're burying the right guy. 714 00:48:14,812 --> 00:48:18,233 - [ Laughter, Applause ] - [ Ends ] 715 00:48:19,567 --> 00:48:22,070 - [ Piano, Slow ] - [ Announcer ] At last... 716 00:48:22,153 --> 00:48:25,573 the greatest album of love songs ever recorded. 717 00:48:25,657 --> 00:48:28,660 You'll want to share them with someone special. 718 00:48:28,743 --> 00:48:33,331 Why do birds suddenly appear 719 00:48:33,414 --> 00:48:38,086 Sung by the man who turned a personal affliction into a recording career... 720 00:48:38,169 --> 00:48:40,755 Don ''No Soul''Simmons. 721 00:48:40,839 --> 00:48:43,424 Just like me 722 00:48:43,508 --> 00:48:46,135 They long to be 723 00:48:46,219 --> 00:48:49,097 Close to you 724 00:48:50,306 --> 00:48:52,934 - Why do stars - [ Band Begins ] 725 00:48:53,017 --> 00:48:56,271 Fall down from the sky 726 00:48:56,354 --> 00:48:58,273 Every time 727 00:48:59,065 --> 00:49:01,151 You walk by 728 00:49:02,610 --> 00:49:05,363 Just like me 729 00:49:05,446 --> 00:49:07,907 They long to be 730 00:49:07,991 --> 00:49:10,827 Close to you 731 00:49:10,910 --> 00:49:14,622 - She'd been sitting there -[ Announcer ] So curl up by the fireside... 732 00:49:14,706 --> 00:49:18,042 and listen to the non-threatening music of this master showman. 733 00:49:19,210 --> 00:49:22,255 [ Simmons ] And, honey, I miss you 734 00:49:24,382 --> 00:49:26,885 And I'm being good 735 00:49:29,345 --> 00:49:31,806 And I'd love to be with you 736 00:49:34,350 --> 00:49:36,895 If only I could 737 00:49:39,397 --> 00:49:41,816 Say, has anybody seen 738 00:49:41,900 --> 00:49:45,028 My sweet Gypsy Rose 739 00:49:45,111 --> 00:49:47,614 Here's her picture when she was 740 00:49:47,697 --> 00:49:50,617 - My sweet Mary Jo - [ Announcer ] Young lovers of any age... 741 00:49:50,700 --> 00:49:52,827 will cherish this timeless collection... 742 00:49:52,911 --> 00:49:55,538 of the world's most romantic ballads. 743 00:49:55,622 --> 00:49:57,665 And if you act now, you'll get free... 744 00:49:57,749 --> 00:50:02,045 this bonus album.: Don Simmons Down & Funky. 745 00:50:02,128 --> 00:50:06,382 [ Electric Keyboard ] 746 00:50:06,466 --> 00:50:10,094 - [ Band Begins ] - Jeremiah was a bullfrog 747 00:50:11,095 --> 00:50:14,390 He was a good friend of mine 748 00:50:14,474 --> 00:50:17,685 I never understood a single word he said 749 00:50:17,769 --> 00:50:20,271 [ Announcer ] This two-record collection is not available in any stores... 750 00:50:20,355 --> 00:50:22,273 so order now. 751 00:50:22,357 --> 00:50:25,777 [ Simmons ] Yes, he always had some mighty fine wine 752 00:50:35,495 --> 00:50:39,624 By thunder! She's a lovely sight, lads! 753 00:50:39,707 --> 00:50:44,295 - [ Men Chatter, Laugh ] - And you can bet your miserable lives... 754 00:50:44,379 --> 00:50:48,091 the cargo hold is filled with precious booty. 755 00:50:48,174 --> 00:50:50,969 - Let's take her, Cap'n. - Aye. Are you game, lads? 756 00:50:51,052 --> 00:50:52,470 [ Men, Together ] Aye! 757 00:50:57,892 --> 00:51:01,229 Video pirates! Man the guns and prepare to defend borders. 758 00:51:01,312 --> 00:51:02,522 Fire! 759 00:51:08,736 --> 00:51:11,614 Cutlasses, me hearties! 760 00:51:14,159 --> 00:51:16,119 Give them a bellyful of steel. 761 00:51:32,260 --> 00:51:37,390 Ah. By gum, Captain! All the latest home videos. In Beta and VHS! 762 00:51:37,473 --> 00:51:41,394 Aye! Some so current, they're still in theatrical release. 763 00:51:41,477 --> 00:51:45,982 - Help yourself, mates. A chest full of video discs. - No! 764 00:51:46,065 --> 00:51:48,276 - What good are they? - Can't record on 'em. 765 00:51:48,359 --> 00:51:50,945 They're not compatible with my system. 766 00:51:51,029 --> 00:51:53,198 Captain! This one's locked. 767 00:51:53,281 --> 00:51:56,493 Stand back. 768 00:51:56,576 --> 00:51:59,954 - [ Gunshot ] - [ Man ] Open 'er up. 769 00:52:03,082 --> 00:52:05,585 Gather around, me buckoes, and feast your eyes on this. 770 00:52:05,668 --> 00:52:08,671 - [ Men Gasp ] - Make all the illegal copies you want. 771 00:52:08,755 --> 00:52:10,632 - Put it on. - Aye, aye, Captain. 772 00:52:10,715 --> 00:52:13,510 - [ Case Snaps Open ] - [ Tape Loads In VCR ] 773 00:52:14,886 --> 00:52:19,891 [ Shuddering ] Ohhh, I'm so scared. 774 00:52:19,974 --> 00:52:23,728 [ All Laughing ] 775 00:52:23,978 --> 00:52:27,106 [ Laughing Fades ] 776 00:52:58,513 --> 00:53:01,975 [ Knocking ] 777 00:53:02,058 --> 00:53:06,187 - I said I don't want to be disturbed. - Griffin, it's me, Trent. 778 00:53:06,271 --> 00:53:08,523 Trent, I've been waiting for you. 779 00:53:08,606 --> 00:53:10,525 Come in. 780 00:53:10,608 --> 00:53:14,279 Ah, Griffin. I came as soon as I received your cable. 781 00:53:17,031 --> 00:53:19,909 Good God, man, what happened? 782 00:53:19,993 --> 00:53:22,745 I've done it, Trent. At long last, I've done it. 783 00:53:22,829 --> 00:53:26,708 I finally duplicated my father's formula for invisibility... 784 00:53:26,791 --> 00:53:30,545 after five years of injecting myself with every chemical known to man. 785 00:53:30,628 --> 00:53:35,508 But Griffin, the invisibility formula turned your father into a raving lunatic. 786 00:53:35,592 --> 00:53:38,469 That's where I've topped the old man. 787 00:53:38,553 --> 00:53:41,055 I've been on the stuff for over a week now... 788 00:53:41,139 --> 00:53:43,683 and I'm still perfectly sane. [ Laughs ] 789 00:53:43,766 --> 00:53:46,144 Yes. I'll rule the world with my secret. 790 00:53:46,227 --> 00:53:48,146 Yes. And I'll need you, Trent. 791 00:53:48,229 --> 00:53:51,316 I must have a visible partner. [ Laughs ] 792 00:53:51,399 --> 00:53:54,986 I can tell by your stunned expression that you're pretty impressed. 793 00:53:55,069 --> 00:53:57,572 [ Chuckles ] Ah? 794 00:53:57,655 --> 00:53:59,574 [ Gasps ] Ooh. [ Chuckles ] 795 00:53:59,657 --> 00:54:02,202 - [ False Nose Hitting Desk ] - Look, Ma... 796 00:54:03,703 --> 00:54:06,080 no hands. [ Chuckles ] 797 00:54:06,164 --> 00:54:09,751 I haven't come up with a reagent to make myself visible again. 798 00:54:09,834 --> 00:54:12,253 But what's the rush? I'm having a ball. 799 00:54:12,337 --> 00:54:14,631 Watch me closely. 800 00:54:15,673 --> 00:54:17,926 Whee! 801 00:54:18,009 --> 00:54:22,472 Ever see a shirt make a phone call? [ Chuckles ] 802 00:54:23,473 --> 00:54:25,975 Ooh. Pretty scary, huh? 803 00:54:26,059 --> 00:54:28,770 Ooooh! 804 00:54:28,853 --> 00:54:30,814 Wait till you see this. 805 00:54:30,897 --> 00:54:32,941 - [ Chuckles ] - Uh, no. Griffin... 806 00:54:33,024 --> 00:54:36,736 - you don't have to go all the way. - [ Laughing ] 807 00:54:36,820 --> 00:54:40,365 Yes. [ Laughing ] 808 00:54:40,448 --> 00:54:42,867 Just listen for the sound of my voice... 809 00:54:44,244 --> 00:54:47,080 and you'll know where I am at all times. [ Chuckles ] 810 00:54:47,163 --> 00:54:49,749 - Come on. Let's have some laughs! - Griffin! 811 00:54:49,833 --> 00:54:54,838 - Being invisible is the best! [ Laughing ] - [ Stride Piano, Distant ] 812 00:54:54,921 --> 00:54:57,882 [ Continues, Louder ] 813 00:55:04,556 --> 00:55:07,851 Hey! Here comes the invisible man again. 814 00:55:07,934 --> 00:55:09,936 [ Bar Patrons Groaning, Objecting ] 815 00:55:11,813 --> 00:55:15,400 You, go and get some help. I'll watch him here. 816 00:55:22,699 --> 00:55:25,201 Whee-ooh! Whee-ooh! 817 00:55:27,328 --> 00:55:31,666 Oh, my. Now how did that happen? Must be a ghost in 'ere. 818 00:55:31,749 --> 00:55:33,710 This is unreal. 819 00:55:34,794 --> 00:55:36,921 I'm terribly sorry. 820 00:55:38,715 --> 00:55:41,050 Whee-ooh! Whee-ooh! [ Imitates Tyres Skidding ] 821 00:55:41,134 --> 00:55:43,178 Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! 822 00:55:43,261 --> 00:55:47,223 - Wow! Whoo-hoo-hoo! - [ Policeman's Whistle Tweeting, Distant ] 823 00:55:47,307 --> 00:55:49,267 - [ Scattered Applause ] - [ Door Opens ] 824 00:55:50,977 --> 00:55:54,522 - Now, now, now. What's all this? - Here he is, Officer. 825 00:55:54,606 --> 00:55:58,151 Take it easy with him. He's not really dangerous. 826 00:55:58,234 --> 00:56:00,528 Come along quietly then, guv. 827 00:56:00,612 --> 00:56:03,615 - You'll have to find me first. - [ Groans ] 828 00:56:04,574 --> 00:56:06,868 Come along. 829 00:56:06,951 --> 00:56:08,995 Let's cover this one up. Come on. 830 00:56:09,078 --> 00:56:12,832 Wait. I'm invisible. Don't touch me there. 831 00:56:12,916 --> 00:56:15,877 - [ Griffin Laughing ] - [ Wolf Whistle ] 832 00:56:15,960 --> 00:56:17,879 Selma! 833 00:56:28,932 --> 00:56:30,850 [ Man ] We now return to our feature... 834 00:56:30,934 --> 00:56:33,853 starring Greta Van Zandt and Lyle Talbot. 835 00:56:33,937 --> 00:56:36,898 There will be no further interruptions. 836 00:56:46,491 --> 00:56:50,078 This looks like the remains of some ancient culture. 837 00:56:50,161 --> 00:56:54,415 Steve, I said some things back there that I shouldn't have. 838 00:56:54,499 --> 00:56:57,502 Anyway, thanks for saving me from that dinosaur. 839 00:56:57,585 --> 00:57:01,756 - Forget it. - Hey, would you get a load of this joint? 840 00:57:04,843 --> 00:57:06,761 This throne is still warm. 841 00:57:06,845 --> 00:57:12,350 - [ Theremin Wailing ] - [ Screeching, Chittering ] 842 00:57:14,227 --> 00:57:16,229 Where are you going? 843 00:57:16,312 --> 00:57:18,731 I forgot somethin' back on the ship. 844 00:57:18,815 --> 00:57:20,984 - What? - [ Garbled ] I forgot to stay there. 845 00:57:21,067 --> 00:57:23,987 [ Soundtrack Skipping, Crackling ] 846 00:57:27,198 --> 00:57:31,161 [ Man ] We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by. 847 00:57:32,829 --> 00:57:34,747 We are experiencing techn-- 848 00:57:40,253 --> 00:57:42,839 I demand that you set us free, Queen Lara. 849 00:57:42,922 --> 00:57:45,884 We are on an official mission from the planet Earth. 850 00:57:45,967 --> 00:57:47,886 Ha! ''Planet Earth.'' 851 00:57:47,969 --> 00:57:51,055 Is that what you call that pitiful ball hanging in the sky? 852 00:57:51,139 --> 00:57:54,392 You wouldn't say that if you saw Jane Russell or the Brooklyn Dodgers. 853 00:57:54,475 --> 00:57:56,394 Silence, swine... 854 00:57:56,478 --> 00:57:59,272 or you will suffer the same fate as your friend. 855 00:57:59,355 --> 00:58:03,109 I intend to file a protest in the death of Blackie! 856 00:58:03,193 --> 00:58:07,280 He dared to enter the sacred temple and steal the precious moonstones. 857 00:58:07,363 --> 00:58:10,158 But feeding him to giant spiders without the benefit of counsel... 858 00:58:10,241 --> 00:58:12,452 is not the way we do things in America. 859 00:58:12,535 --> 00:58:16,873 [ Women Laughing ] 860 00:58:18,166 --> 00:58:20,251 Boy, I never thought I'd be so miserable... 861 00:58:20,335 --> 00:58:22,253 surrounded by beautiful dames. 862 00:58:22,337 --> 00:58:25,381 Cut the gags, Butch. We're in enough trouble. 863 00:58:25,465 --> 00:58:29,135 What's she lookin' at? She acts like she's never seen a man before. 864 00:58:29,219 --> 00:58:33,014 She hasn't. Have you, Alpha Beta? 865 00:58:34,557 --> 00:58:36,601 No, my queen. 866 00:58:36,684 --> 00:58:38,770 What are men good for? 867 00:58:38,853 --> 00:58:41,356 Well, I'm pretty good in the back seat of a Studebaker. 868 00:58:41,439 --> 00:58:43,525 Butch! 869 00:58:43,608 --> 00:58:47,821 - Men are useless. - Back where I come from... 870 00:58:47,904 --> 00:58:50,532 no woman is complete without a man. 871 00:58:51,908 --> 00:58:54,118 You see, Commander Nelson... 872 00:58:54,202 --> 00:58:56,454 1 2,000 gamma-spans ago-- 873 00:58:56,538 --> 00:58:58,998 - ''Gamma-spans''? - A moon unit of time... 874 00:58:59,082 --> 00:59:01,251 roughly equivalent to your Earth year. 875 00:59:01,334 --> 00:59:05,672 Anyway, all men were banished from the lunar surface because they couldn't-- 876 00:59:06,798 --> 00:59:08,800 For 1 31 years... 877 00:59:08,883 --> 00:59:11,219 this great institution has amassed... 878 00:59:11,302 --> 00:59:15,890 what many consider to be the finest collection of art anywhere in the world. 879 00:59:15,974 --> 00:59:20,061 And now it can all be yours. 880 00:59:20,145 --> 00:59:23,690 We've lost our lease! 881 00:59:23,773 --> 00:59:25,984 That's right. Everything must go. 882 00:59:26,067 --> 00:59:30,238 From the old masters of Europe to the conceptual artists of today's SoHo. 883 00:59:30,321 --> 00:59:32,782 We're talking Rembrandts, Botticellis... 884 00:59:32,866 --> 00:59:35,577 Gauguin, Cezanne, Matisse, Renoir... 885 00:59:35,660 --> 00:59:38,705 and the chairman of the board... 886 00:59:38,788 --> 00:59:41,207 Leonardo da Vinci. 887 00:59:41,291 --> 00:59:43,418 This Egyptian sarcophagus... 888 00:59:43,501 --> 00:59:48,047 from the dynasty of Ramses II, appraised at $ 1 4 million. 889 00:59:48,131 --> 00:59:50,884 Our price? 1 9.95. 890 00:59:50,967 --> 00:59:53,887 Buy now, and we'll toss in, free of charge... 891 00:59:53,970 --> 00:59:57,265 the original Declaration of Independence. 892 00:59:57,348 --> 01:00:00,477 Now you might expect to pay millions for this document... 893 01:00:00,560 --> 01:00:02,520 that shaped a great nation. 894 01:00:02,604 --> 01:00:07,984 But it's yours free. This fine parchment will enhance any den or playroom. 895 01:00:08,067 --> 01:00:10,987 And you can have some fun with your friends... 896 01:00:11,070 --> 01:00:15,116 by adding your own name along with the original signers. 897 01:00:15,200 --> 01:00:18,244 Remember, the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art. 898 01:00:18,328 --> 01:00:21,998 Every Van Gogh must go. 899 01:00:23,666 --> 01:00:25,585 Hello, I'm Henry Silva. 900 01:00:25,668 --> 01:00:29,589 Ever since the ocean liner Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage in 1 91 2... 901 01:00:29,672 --> 01:00:32,467 people have asked, ''How did it happen?'' 902 01:00:32,550 --> 01:00:35,762 - [ Man Imitating Ship Whistle ] - Join me... 903 01:00:35,845 --> 01:00:37,764 - as we dramatically recreate... - [ Man ] Nearer 904 01:00:37,847 --> 01:00:42,936 - the sinking of the great ocean liner Titanic. - My God, to thee 905 01:00:44,354 --> 01:00:46,272 Bullshit or not? 906 01:00:46,356 --> 01:00:49,484 You be the judge, here on this station. 907 01:00:49,776 --> 01:00:52,946 [ Announcer ] From the pen of America's wealthiest author... 908 01:00:53,029 --> 01:00:55,532 - Irving Sidney, the man who gave us... - [ Rapping ] 909 01:00:55,615 --> 01:00:58,326 - the best sellers, Irving Sidney's The Naked Virgin... - [ Rapping Continues ] 910 01:00:58,409 --> 01:01:01,037 and Irving Sidney's The Power and the Flesh... 911 01:01:01,120 --> 01:01:04,415 comes Irving Sidney's sizzling new blockbuster-- 912 01:01:04,499 --> 01:01:08,211 Hey, baby. [ Laughs ] 913 01:01:08,294 --> 01:01:10,171 Long time no see, huh? 914 01:01:10,255 --> 01:01:13,132 - There must be some mistake. - Come on. Who are ya kiddin'? 915 01:01:13,216 --> 01:01:15,385 It's me. It's Bert. 916 01:01:15,468 --> 01:01:17,470 Look, I'm in town with the textile convention... 917 01:01:17,554 --> 01:01:22,767 and I thought maybe we could, uh, you know, party! [ Laughing ] 918 01:01:22,851 --> 01:01:24,769 - I don't do that any more. - Oh-- 919 01:01:24,853 --> 01:01:28,648 - You better get out of here before you wake the president. - [ Snoring ] 920 01:01:28,731 --> 01:01:32,318 [ Announcer ] When President Harrison Chandler was married in the White House... 921 01:01:32,402 --> 01:01:34,612 it was the social event of the decade. 922 01:01:34,696 --> 01:01:37,407 The courageous president... 923 01:01:37,490 --> 01:01:39,784 and his beautiful new bride. 924 01:01:39,868 --> 01:01:42,704 But she possessed a secret that could shatter her dreams... 925 01:01:42,787 --> 01:01:45,665 and topple a government. 926 01:01:45,748 --> 01:01:49,043 I'll meet you in the Lincoln Room in five minutes. 927 01:01:50,837 --> 01:01:52,839 [ Announcer ] She was forced to live a lie... 928 01:01:52,922 --> 01:01:55,842 when her sins came back to haunt her. 929 01:01:55,925 --> 01:01:59,721 She was ''first lady of the evening. '' 930 01:01:59,804 --> 01:02:03,475 Irving Sidney's 1 st Lady of the Evening. 931 01:02:03,558 --> 01:02:08,563 A Magnet paperback in easy-to-read type with no big words. 932 01:02:12,817 --> 01:02:17,322 [ Simmons On Radio ] Birds suddenly appear 933 01:02:17,405 --> 01:02:19,908 - Every time - [ Sighs ] 934 01:02:19,991 --> 01:02:23,244 Look, Violet, what do you say we go park out by the lake? 935 01:02:23,328 --> 01:02:25,246 My glands are out of control. 936 01:02:26,372 --> 01:02:30,210 Well, okay, Georgie, but are you prepared? 937 01:02:30,293 --> 01:02:33,046 I've been preparing myself for 1 7 years. 938 01:02:33,129 --> 01:02:35,757 That's not what I meant. 939 01:02:35,840 --> 01:02:38,760 - Fall down from the sky - Pull over to that drugstore. 940 01:02:42,847 --> 01:02:45,141 - [ Engine Stops ] - [ Emergency Brake Sets ] 941 01:02:45,225 --> 01:02:50,063 On the day that you were born the angels got together 942 01:02:50,146 --> 01:02:55,652 - And decided to create a dream come true - Georgie. 943 01:02:55,735 --> 01:02:58,655 So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair 944 01:02:58,738 --> 01:03:02,283 - And golden starlight - Make sure you ask for Titans. 945 01:03:02,367 --> 01:03:05,036 Those are the best. 946 01:03:05,119 --> 01:03:09,666 - [ No Audible Dialogue ] - That is why all the boys 947 01:03:09,749 --> 01:03:11,709 [ Bell Dings ] 948 01:03:13,044 --> 01:03:15,505 Hello, George. How are ya? 949 01:03:15,588 --> 01:03:18,341 Uh, hi, Mr Gower. I-I didn't think you worked nights. 950 01:03:18,424 --> 01:03:21,636 My night man took sick. What can I do for you? 951 01:03:21,719 --> 01:03:24,389 We're having a sale on shaving cre-- 952 01:03:24,472 --> 01:03:28,726 - What am I saying? You're not old enough to shave yet. - I've been shaving since March. 953 01:03:28,810 --> 01:03:32,272 - See? - Hey, I'd better call your mom right now and thank her... 954 01:03:32,355 --> 01:03:34,566 for the preserves she brought over to our house-- 955 01:03:34,649 --> 01:03:36,568 Not now! I mean-- 956 01:03:36,651 --> 01:03:38,653 I-I mean, don't bother. 957 01:03:38,736 --> 01:03:41,406 - I'll give her the message for you. - [ Hangs Up Phone ] 958 01:03:41,489 --> 01:03:45,660 - I'll bet I know what you want. - You do? 959 01:03:45,743 --> 01:03:50,707 Sure. I was young once. Liquorice sticks. 960 01:03:50,790 --> 01:03:52,834 They came in fresh this morning. 961 01:03:52,917 --> 01:03:56,087 - [ Bell Dings ] - Mr Gower, I'm 1 7 years old. 962 01:03:56,171 --> 01:03:58,882 - [ Bell Dings ] - Already? Seems like only yesterday... 963 01:03:58,965 --> 01:04:01,509 your mom was in here buying talc... 964 01:04:01,593 --> 01:04:03,887 to powder your little bottom. 965 01:04:03,970 --> 01:04:06,389 - [ Chuckles ] - Heh. Uh... 966 01:04:06,472 --> 01:04:08,516 look-- 967 01:04:11,227 --> 01:04:14,147 Never mind. Thanks. 968 01:04:16,357 --> 01:04:20,320 - [ Bell Dings ] - Follow you 969 01:04:20,403 --> 01:04:23,239 - [ Bell Dings ] - All around 970 01:04:24,282 --> 01:04:26,409 - Just like me - [ Sighs ] 971 01:04:26,493 --> 01:04:29,037 - [ Bell Dings ] - They long to be 972 01:04:30,705 --> 01:04:32,916 Almost forgot what I came in for. 973 01:04:32,999 --> 01:04:36,419 Tube of toothpaste and a box of-- [ Mumbles ] 974 01:04:36,503 --> 01:04:38,713 Toothpaste and what? 975 01:04:38,796 --> 01:04:40,715 A box of... [ Quietly ] Titans. 976 01:04:40,798 --> 01:04:42,759 You have to speak up, George. 977 01:04:42,842 --> 01:04:45,470 Titans! I want a box of Titan condoms! 978 01:04:45,553 --> 01:04:48,181 - [ Gasps ] - George! 979 01:04:50,642 --> 01:04:55,355 - And to think you were an altar boy. - [ Sighs ] 980 01:05:02,987 --> 01:05:06,324 - [ Keys Jangling ] - [ Door Unlocking ] 981 01:05:10,328 --> 01:05:12,247 You did say ''Titans''? 982 01:05:12,330 --> 01:05:15,333 [ Sighs ] Oh, only about four times. 983 01:05:15,416 --> 01:05:17,335 - [ Slaps Bill On Counter ] - Thanks, Mr Gower. 984 01:05:17,418 --> 01:05:21,464 - [ Alarm Ringing ] - [ Marching Band.: ''Stars And Stripes Forever''] 985 01:05:21,548 --> 01:05:24,926 - [ Continues ] - [ Laughing ] 986 01:05:25,009 --> 01:05:29,097 [ Crowd Cheering, Chattering ] 987 01:05:31,724 --> 01:05:35,103 [ Gower Laughing ] 988 01:05:37,689 --> 01:05:39,607 - What's goin' on? - George? 989 01:05:39,691 --> 01:05:41,943 Rupert King, president of Titan Condoms. 990 01:05:42,026 --> 01:05:47,240 Congratulations, young man. You are our one-billionth customer. Pictures. 991 01:05:47,323 --> 01:05:49,200 [ Crowd Whistling, Cheering ] 992 01:05:49,284 --> 01:05:51,703 - Thanks, but I really gotta go. - Not so fast, kid. 993 01:05:51,786 --> 01:05:54,289 - We've been planning this for months. - It's really not necessary. 994 01:05:54,372 --> 01:05:58,251 Tell me, George, how long have you been using our fine Titan products? 995 01:05:58,334 --> 01:06:01,045 - Uh, you could say I never use anything else. - Great quote. 996 01:06:01,129 --> 01:06:04,591 - Are you getting all of this? - You're not gonna use my name, are you? 997 01:06:04,674 --> 01:06:08,178 Modesty, I like it. You could give Titans that wholesome image we're looking for. 998 01:06:08,261 --> 01:06:10,263 Do you know what you're doing to me? 999 01:06:10,346 --> 01:06:12,557 The entire town's gonna know about this. 1000 01:06:12,640 --> 01:06:17,395 You'll be a household name, George, just like Bip, our Titan mascot! 1001 01:06:17,479 --> 01:06:20,190 - Pictures. Pictures. - Hi, folks. Hi, George. Hi, everybody. 1002 01:06:20,273 --> 01:06:22,734 [ Man ] Hey, George, will you autograph a box for me? 1003 01:06:22,817 --> 01:06:26,112 - [ Crowd, Bip Laughing ] - Get used to that, George. 1004 01:06:26,196 --> 01:06:28,990 - [ No Audible Dialogue ] - More good news, George. 1005 01:06:29,073 --> 01:06:34,370 Even as we speak, your parents are racing here to join you in your moment of Titan triumph. 1006 01:06:34,454 --> 01:06:37,707 My parents? Are you nuts? I'm not even supposed to have the car. 1007 01:06:37,790 --> 01:06:40,502 Make sure you airbrush out the kid's acne, okay? George... 1008 01:06:40,585 --> 01:06:46,090 as a token of our thanks, we'd like you to have this lifetime supply of Titans! 1009 01:06:46,174 --> 01:06:49,093 - Thank you, Connie. - All I wanted was one. 1010 01:06:49,177 --> 01:06:51,471 [ Crowd, Bip Laughing ] 1011 01:06:51,554 --> 01:06:53,515 - Violet! - George, I can tell... 1012 01:06:53,598 --> 01:06:56,184 you're as excited as we are, as you begin this... 1013 01:06:56,267 --> 01:06:59,395 - your year-long reign as our Titan king! - [ Bip ] Yippee! 1014 01:06:59,479 --> 01:07:02,982 [ Crowd Cheering, Applauding ] 1015 01:07:03,066 --> 01:07:05,443 [ Cheering, Applause Continue ] 1016 01:07:17,455 --> 01:07:22,544 [ Man ] And now the exciting conclusion of the 1 955 feature... 1017 01:07:22,627 --> 01:07:26,506 Amazon Women of the Moon. 1018 01:07:26,589 --> 01:07:29,676 There will be no further commercial interruptions. 1019 01:07:29,759 --> 01:07:31,761 Bullshit or not? 1020 01:07:31,845 --> 01:07:33,721 Hey, cut the mush, you two. 1021 01:07:33,805 --> 01:07:36,808 - This place is about to blow sky high. - Yes, look! 1022 01:07:36,891 --> 01:07:40,019 Moogla, the mountain demon, is angry. 1023 01:07:40,103 --> 01:07:42,897 - Yeah, and that ain't just heartburn. - We haven't got much time. 1024 01:07:42,981 --> 01:07:45,400 - Let's go! - [ Rumbling In Distance ] 1025 01:07:45,483 --> 01:07:47,861 Come on, Loony. 1026 01:07:47,944 --> 01:07:49,946 [ Rumbling Continues ] 1027 01:07:57,996 --> 01:08:00,748 - There's the rocket. Hurry! - Come on, Alpha Beta. 1028 01:08:00,832 --> 01:08:04,127 When we get back to Earth, I'm gonna show you Ebbets Field. 1029 01:08:24,981 --> 01:08:29,652 Oh, Steve, save yourself. [ Panting ] 1030 01:08:29,736 --> 01:08:32,739 I wouldn't be able to enjoy Earth without you. 1031 01:08:36,159 --> 01:08:38,661 [ Explosion ] 1032 01:08:52,842 --> 01:08:55,220 [ Nelson ] Fasten seat belts. 1033 01:08:55,303 --> 01:09:00,809 I think we got about 1 2 seconds before everything blows. Fire retros. 1034 01:09:00,892 --> 01:09:03,144 [ Car Engine Cranking ] 1035 01:09:03,228 --> 01:09:06,397 - She won't turn over! - [ Car Engine Cranking ] 1036 01:09:07,899 --> 01:09:12,695 [ Engine Cranks, Revs And Runs ] 1037 01:09:14,197 --> 01:09:16,407 Listen to that sweet music. 1038 01:09:43,059 --> 01:09:45,687 [ Screeching, Chittering ] 1039 01:09:59,033 --> 01:10:01,119 [ Debris Hitting Floor ] 1040 01:10:02,871 --> 01:10:06,791 There goes the only home I've ever known. 1041 01:10:06,875 --> 01:10:11,171 You got a new home now, Lara, [ Quietly ] with me on Earth. 1042 01:10:17,260 --> 01:10:21,264 - What are they doing, Butch? - Well, it's called smoochin', babe. 1043 01:10:25,310 --> 01:10:28,021 Come here. I'll give ya your first lesson. 1044 01:10:32,817 --> 01:10:35,528 [ Hooting ] 1045 01:10:35,612 --> 01:10:38,364 [ President ] Earth to Moon Rocket One. 1046 01:10:39,365 --> 01:10:41,701 Earth to Moon Rocket One. 1047 01:10:41,784 --> 01:10:43,870 This is the president. 1048 01:10:43,953 --> 01:10:46,998 Steve, I hope you have things well in hand. 1049 01:10:48,416 --> 01:10:50,418 I'll say. 1050 01:10:58,468 --> 01:11:01,596 [ Horns Honking ] 1051 01:11:01,679 --> 01:11:04,516 [ TV.: Whooping, Gunfire ] 1052 01:11:04,599 --> 01:11:06,601 Psst. 1053 01:11:08,520 --> 01:11:09,896 Psst. 1054 01:11:12,065 --> 01:11:13,983 Yeah, you. Come here. 1055 01:11:19,531 --> 01:11:21,866 - Yeah? - Saturday night. 1056 01:11:25,161 --> 01:11:27,789 - Yeah? - Ain't got a date. 1057 01:11:30,291 --> 01:11:33,628 - What's your name, kid? - Ray. 1058 01:11:33,711 --> 01:11:36,047 Ray? 1059 01:12:07,745 --> 01:12:09,664 [ TV.:Soft Rock ] 1060 01:12:09,747 --> 01:12:12,709 [ Continues ] 1061 01:12:12,792 --> 01:12:15,753 [ Giggles ] Mmm. 1062 01:12:15,837 --> 01:12:18,131 You must be Ray. 1063 01:12:20,341 --> 01:12:22,260 I'm Sherrie. 1064 01:12:23,469 --> 01:12:25,388 [ Giggles ] 1065 01:12:25,472 --> 01:12:27,557 I heard you were good-looking... 1066 01:12:29,058 --> 01:12:32,061 but I had no idea. 1067 01:12:32,145 --> 01:12:34,147 Come on in. 1068 01:12:41,279 --> 01:12:43,198 As you can see, I made dinner. 1069 01:12:43,281 --> 01:12:49,204 Mmm, but I'm not hungry just yet... for food. 1070 01:12:49,287 --> 01:12:51,372 Do you know what I mean? 1071 01:13:07,680 --> 01:13:10,350 Help me with my zipper, Ray? 1072 01:13:12,644 --> 01:13:17,732 - [ Zipper Unzipping ] - [ Moans ] That's so much better. 1073 01:13:17,816 --> 01:13:21,152 - [ Dress Hitting Floor ] - God, you're such a hunk, Ray. 1074 01:13:23,655 --> 01:13:27,242 I want you. And I want you now. 1075 01:13:27,325 --> 01:13:29,285 Get over here, Ray. 1076 01:13:31,788 --> 01:13:33,706 I'm waiting, Ray. 1077 01:13:33,790 --> 01:13:36,501 Take me. 1078 01:13:36,584 --> 01:13:40,421 I want you to make wild, violent love to me. 1079 01:13:42,632 --> 01:13:44,926 Oh, yes, Ray. 1080 01:13:45,009 --> 01:13:48,513 [ Inhales, Moans ] Yes. 1081 01:13:48,596 --> 01:13:52,517 Oh, you're so good, Ray. [ Moans ] 1082 01:13:52,600 --> 01:13:55,395 Yes. [ Moaning, Squealing ] Ray! 1083 01:13:55,478 --> 01:13:58,731 [ Moaning, Sighing ] 1084 01:13:58,815 --> 01:14:02,110 You're the best, Ray. Yeah, yeah. 1085 01:14:02,193 --> 01:14:05,530 [ Moaning ] Ray, give it to me! 1086 01:14:05,613 --> 01:14:08,825 Mmm, that's good, Ray. 1087 01:14:08,908 --> 01:14:12,954 Yeah! [ Panting, Screaming ] 1088 01:14:13,037 --> 01:14:17,792 You're the... best, Ray! Yeah! [ Moans ] 1089 01:14:17,876 --> 01:14:19,377 - [ Door Slams ] - [ Ends ] 1090 01:14:19,460 --> 01:14:22,922 - [ Man ] You dirty slut! - Frankie, what are you doin' here? 1091 01:14:23,006 --> 01:14:26,467 - I thought you were outta town! - That's what I wanted you to think! 1092 01:14:26,551 --> 01:14:31,973 -And I expected a little more from you, Ray. -[ Quietly ] What, of me? 1093 01:14:32,056 --> 01:14:36,186 - You think I care about a loser like Ray? - Loser? 1094 01:14:36,269 --> 01:14:39,189 - I did it to hurt you. - You did it to hurt me? 1095 01:14:39,272 --> 01:14:41,441 Well, your cheatin' days are over, street meat! 1096 01:14:41,524 --> 01:14:45,487 - Frankie, what are you doin' with that gun? - I'm gonna teach you... 1097 01:14:45,570 --> 01:14:48,156 and this little know-nothing wimp a lesson! 1098 01:14:48,239 --> 01:14:51,159 - That's what I'm doin' with the gun. - No, Frankie! 1099 01:14:51,242 --> 01:14:53,995 I love you! I've always loved you. 1100 01:14:54,078 --> 01:14:57,415 - You think I enjoyed going to bed with a worm like Ray? - Shut up! 1101 01:14:57,499 --> 01:15:00,126 - Worm? - You're history, Sherrie. 1102 01:15:00,210 --> 01:15:04,422 - [ Screams ] No! - [ Gunshots ] 1103 01:15:07,008 --> 01:15:08,927 Satisfied, Ray? Hmm? 1104 01:15:09,010 --> 01:15:11,262 Happy now, buddy? 1105 01:15:11,346 --> 01:15:15,683 Well, you're gonna have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life. 1106 01:15:15,767 --> 01:15:17,894 And you know what else, Ray? 1107 01:15:18,978 --> 01:15:21,147 You're gonna have to live with this too. 1108 01:15:21,231 --> 01:15:23,399 - [ Gunshot ] - Freeze! 1109 01:15:26,611 --> 01:15:28,863 - You have the right to remain silent. - [ Handcuffs Ratcheting ] 1110 01:15:28,947 --> 01:15:30,907 If you give up the right to remain silent... 1111 01:15:30,990 --> 01:15:33,868 anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. 1112 01:15:33,952 --> 01:15:37,622 You have the right to speak with an attorney and have an attorney present at time of questioning. 1113 01:15:37,914 --> 01:15:41,334 - [ Latin, Electric Keyboards ] - I was at a dance 1114 01:15:42,418 --> 01:15:44,337 When she caught my eye 1115 01:15:45,421 --> 01:15:47,340 Standing all alone 1116 01:15:48,424 --> 01:15:51,386 Looking sad and shy 1117 01:15:51,469 --> 01:15:53,429 We began to dance 1118 01:15:54,556 --> 01:15:58,184 Swayin' to and fro whoa, whoa 1119 01:15:58,268 --> 01:16:02,438 And soon I knew I'd never let her go 1120 01:16:03,481 --> 01:16:06,568 Blame it on the bossa nova 1121 01:16:06,651 --> 01:16:08,570 With its magic spell 1122 01:16:09,654 --> 01:16:12,240 Blame it on the bossa nova 1123 01:16:12,323 --> 01:16:14,242 That she did so well 1124 01:16:15,618 --> 01:16:18,872 Oh, it all began with just one little dance 1125 01:16:18,955 --> 01:16:21,583 But soon it ended up a big romance 1126 01:16:21,666 --> 01:16:24,919 Blame it on the bossa nova 1127 01:16:25,003 --> 01:16:27,547 The dance of love 1128 01:16:27,630 --> 01:16:30,550 Blame it on the bossa nova 1129 01:16:30,633 --> 01:16:32,552 With its magic spell 1130 01:16:33,636 --> 01:16:36,181 Blame it on the bossa nova 1131 01:16:36,264 --> 01:16:38,183 That she did so well 1132 01:16:39,559 --> 01:16:42,812 Oh, it all began with just one little dance 1133 01:16:42,896 --> 01:16:45,440 But soon it ended up a big romance 1134 01:16:45,523 --> 01:16:48,860 Blame it on the bossa nova 1135 01:16:48,943 --> 01:16:52,947 - The dance of love - [ Pauses ] 1136 01:16:53,031 --> 01:16:56,034 [ Resumes ] 1137 01:17:02,582 --> 01:17:04,584 Is there anybody out there? 1138 01:17:07,712 --> 01:17:09,881 Would you please do me a favour? 1139 01:17:09,964 --> 01:17:14,803 Call Crazy Leo's and tell him the TV set he sold me has a problem. 1140 01:17:14,886 --> 01:17:17,639 I'm still under warranty. 1141 01:17:17,722 --> 01:17:20,892 Hello? Hello? 1142 01:17:22,352 --> 01:17:26,272 [ Crying ] 1143 01:17:26,356 --> 01:17:28,274 Help me. I'll never see Selma. 1144 01:17:28,358 --> 01:17:31,694 I'll never get back. I'll never get back. 1145 01:17:31,778 --> 01:17:35,657 I'm finished. I'm finished. I'll never get back. 1146 01:17:35,740 --> 01:17:37,700 - I'm goin' out of my mind. - [ Ends ] 1147 01:18:03,101 --> 01:18:05,895 Mary Brown? 1148 01:18:05,979 --> 01:18:10,942 - Yes. - Sit down, Mary Brown. 1149 01:18:15,947 --> 01:18:17,949 Thank you, Doctor. 1150 01:18:19,075 --> 01:18:23,079 Mary, I've been going over your tests. 1151 01:18:23,163 --> 01:18:26,291 How did a nice girl like you... 1152 01:18:26,374 --> 01:18:30,420 come to contract a social disease? 1153 01:18:30,503 --> 01:18:33,256 Then my worst fears are confirmed. 1154 01:18:33,339 --> 01:18:35,842 Oh, the shame of it! 1155 01:18:35,925 --> 01:18:40,680 - [ Sobbing ] - Now, now. You are unclean... 1156 01:18:42,056 --> 01:18:45,560 but there's always hope. 1157 01:18:47,437 --> 01:18:50,148 Tell me how you went astray. 1158 01:18:50,231 --> 01:18:53,860 - Tell me everything. - [ Wheels Squeaking, Rolling ] 1159 01:18:54,944 --> 01:18:57,697 I won a... beauty contest... 1160 01:18:57,780 --> 01:18:59,699 here in Iowa. 1161 01:18:59,782 --> 01:19:03,786 I thought I'd try my luck... in New York. 1162 01:19:06,831 --> 01:19:08,917 It wasn't like Iowa at all. 1163 01:19:09,000 --> 01:19:12,879 And then I met a theatrical agent. 1164 01:19:12,962 --> 01:19:16,466 Gosh, that sure is different than the sarsaparilla we have back home. 1165 01:19:16,549 --> 01:19:19,052 Well, we like a little more ''sass'' in our ''parilla.'' 1166 01:19:19,135 --> 01:19:23,598 Now, Mary I didn't get you up here to dish out a lot o' hooey. 1167 01:19:23,681 --> 01:19:26,434 Oh, that's all right. I already had lunch. 1168 01:19:26,518 --> 01:19:29,771 You see, there's a social side to this business we call ''show.'' 1169 01:19:29,854 --> 01:19:33,483 - Now, uh, let me see your gams. - What? 1170 01:19:36,945 --> 01:19:39,989 I was humiliated, though oddly excited. 1171 01:19:41,282 --> 01:19:43,493 Well, he told me he could spot fresh talent... 1172 01:19:43,576 --> 01:19:47,288 - and sent me to see a colleague of his named Dutch Monahan. - [ Honky-tonk Piano Playing ] 1173 01:19:47,372 --> 01:19:50,375 It turned out to be a wild party. 1174 01:19:53,044 --> 01:19:56,464 Here. Dunk your whiskers in this, sister. 1175 01:19:56,548 --> 01:19:59,801 You guys sure like your sarsaparilla in this town. 1176 01:19:59,884 --> 01:20:01,803 Get her. 1177 01:20:01,886 --> 01:20:05,223 Shut your trap, or I'll bite your ears off. 1178 01:20:05,306 --> 01:20:08,560 Keep your hands off me, ya big palooka. 1179 01:20:08,643 --> 01:20:11,729 That was my first exposure to New York intellectuals. 1180 01:20:13,106 --> 01:20:16,985 Gee whiz. My first sophisticated, New York party. 1181 01:20:17,068 --> 01:20:19,571 Which one is Cole Porter? 1182 01:20:21,739 --> 01:20:26,161 When you realized that your body had been rendered impure... 1183 01:20:26,244 --> 01:20:28,997 what did you do? 1184 01:20:29,080 --> 01:20:32,167 I made another foolish blunder. 1185 01:20:32,250 --> 01:20:35,170 I married my high school sweetheart, Ken. 1186 01:20:35,253 --> 01:20:38,047 My shameful affliction was exposed at last... 1187 01:20:38,131 --> 01:20:41,468 when Ken began showing symptoms of the disease. 1188 01:20:41,551 --> 01:20:44,179 Goodbye, honey. I'm going to work. 1189 01:20:44,262 --> 01:20:46,681 - Goodbye. - [ Sighs ] 1190 01:20:46,764 --> 01:20:48,975 Ow! 1191 01:20:49,058 --> 01:20:52,979 - Ken, what's wrong? - My eyes. 1192 01:20:53,062 --> 01:20:55,982 Had my sinful ways caught up with me? 1193 01:20:56,065 --> 01:20:58,943 Had I inflicted Ken with my secret shame? 1194 01:21:01,196 --> 01:21:04,157 Ken's vision began to affect his work. 1195 01:21:04,240 --> 01:21:09,704 - [ Man Screaming ] - Mike! Sorry! 1196 01:21:11,372 --> 01:21:14,250 Ah, today's reckless youth... 1197 01:21:14,334 --> 01:21:18,713 with your fast roadsters and your rumble seats. 1198 01:21:18,796 --> 01:21:23,510 I want to show you something, Mary Brown, for your own good. 1199 01:21:23,593 --> 01:21:27,597 Take a look at the germs that have ravaged your system. 1200 01:21:31,935 --> 01:21:35,271 - [ Squeaking, Chattering ] - [ Gasps ] 1201 01:21:35,355 --> 01:21:38,233 Come now with me to the clinic. 1202 01:21:38,316 --> 01:21:41,903 [ Creaking, Rumbling ] 1203 01:21:41,986 --> 01:21:47,242 - [ Bat Squeaking ] - [ Moaning, Chattering, Muffled ] 1204 01:21:47,325 --> 01:21:51,454 What you are going to see here is not pleasant. 1205 01:21:51,538 --> 01:21:55,583 I didn't realize we had such specialized clinics here in Iowa. 1206 01:21:55,667 --> 01:22:00,255 When science is on the march, nothing can stand in its way. 1207 01:22:00,338 --> 01:22:05,426 [ Moaning, Chattering Continue ] 1208 01:22:05,510 --> 01:22:07,720 Who is that pitiful creature? 1209 01:22:07,804 --> 01:22:11,224 - [ Laughing ] - [ Doctor ] Let's call him... 1210 01:22:11,307 --> 01:22:13,226 Pete Jones. 1211 01:22:13,309 --> 01:22:17,313 Pete's first troubles were with smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. 1212 01:22:17,397 --> 01:22:19,732 - Weren't they, Pete? - [ Growling ] 1213 01:22:19,816 --> 01:22:22,944 Get back! We don't have any cigarettes! 1214 01:22:23,027 --> 01:22:24,946 Sad, isn't it? 1215 01:22:25,029 --> 01:22:28,283 - I've seen enough, Doctor! - I know you have. 1216 01:22:28,366 --> 01:22:30,285 But have you? 1217 01:22:30,368 --> 01:22:33,079 Resist temptation, or you may end up... 1218 01:22:33,163 --> 01:22:36,749 like Pete... and Mary... 1219 01:22:36,833 --> 01:22:39,794 - and Ken. - [ Horn Blaring ] 1220 01:22:39,878 --> 01:22:42,380 - [ Yelling ] - [ Tyres Squealing ] 1221 01:22:52,390 --> 01:22:58,354 [ Fast, Dance Band With Noisemakers ] 1222 01:24:18,643 --> 01:24:20,645 [ Ends ]