[MOVIE ON TV - "THE FATAL GLASS OF BEER"]
PA SNAVELY: And it ain't a fit night out for man or beast.
Tell me about it.
Hey, Kennedy, you handymen fix the heating in this igloo?
I'm working on it.
Actually, I read in "National Geographic"
that igloos are quite toasty.
You know what you can do with your toasty.
I want heat.
I want fire.
I want a vacation.
Can you believe Sal has two weeks off?
Think of what you could do with two weeks off.
And he's in Florida.
Oh, the sun.
The beaches.
Busch Gardens.
Either you're all suffering from cabin fever
or the pods have taken over.
Captain, I want to know why Sal got a vacation.
Doesn't detective out rank maintenance engineer?
I have seniority.
I need it the most.
You?
I was stuck in Folsom Prison.
Sal put in for his time off over a year ago.
Then I want to sign up right now.
[interposing voices]
Hey, hey, hey.
20 second timeout, guys.
Look, all right, I know it's that time of year.
Everybody goes through it, and this weather is not
helping anything, but cheer up.
Summer break is right around the corner.
No, Captain, summer break is around the corner
and down the road.
My brain's turning to chocolate pudding.
Exactly.
[interposing voices]
Forget it.
School is in mid semester, you're all on cases,
nobody's going anywhere except back to work.
And besides, I am the ranking officer here,
if anybody gets out of his Frigidaire,
you're looking at him, pals. - What?
Oh, that's totally--
Oh, yeah, right.
Well, tell it to The Onion.
You leave, I leave.
Then nobody's leaving.
[MOVIE ON TV - "THE FATAL GLASS OF BEER"]
PA SNAVELY: Drat his hide.
MA SNAVELY: He wants more money, and if he don't get it--
PA SNAVELY: I think I'll go out and milk the elk.
[interposing voices]
[theme music]
THEME SONG: We never thought we'd
find the place where we belong.
Don't have to stand alone, we'll never let you fall.
Don't need permission to decide what you believe.
Oh, I said jump down on Jump Street.
I said jump down on Jump Street.
Your friends will be there when your back is to the wall.
You'll find you need us because there's no one else to call.
When it was hopeless, a decision is what you need.
You've got to be ready to, be ready to jump.
21 Jump Street.
And so while the European hard liners crumble to the sell
out Gorbachev, we, the North American Workers Front,
keep Marx and Lenin's fire aflame.
Break your chains, question authority.
Release the bowels of imperialistic roughage.
Lance the capitalism boil.
So while other bullet headed Bourgeois college dodes are
on the pilgrimage to Florida petrifying their livers,
tonight we initiate two comrades into the struggle.
Let's cough up those membership dues, Comrades.
Could you cover me?
This is for me and my friend.
Stand up.
Take out your credit cards.
Players International?
Well, he's got Short Guys are Us.
It's men's apparel.
There's four outlets.
Cut them.
Rescind your capitalist habits.
Join the revolution.
All right, give me your bag.
Man, this is the kind of manipulation we fight against.
Like the college paper you guys blew up.
Welcome to the struggle.
No, no, no.
[non-english speech].
This helps.
Yeah, New Orleans.
It's hot as hell down there.
Listen up, everybody.
Guys, I've thought some more about this vacation issue.
I, um, I really can't afford to let you all go.
Not that I want to turn law enforcement into a contest,
but whichever team can wrap up their case first cleanly,
can have a week off.
Play ball.
That's just great.
We just get initiated into the Worker's Front.
It could be weeks.
Maybe Judy and Harry aren't that far along in their case.
Don't even try it.
Yes.
What is this, your first best?
Hey, shut up.
You are under arrest.
[non-english speech].
Ashley.
He's making his move.
I'm gonna call the travel agent.
Alexander Hamilton?
What?
Pardon?
Round trip for Alexander Hamilton.
Money. Money.
$10?
No. $20.
For both.
Nice having you, boys.
Where do you think we're going?
How far could it be? $20, across town?
Hey.
What are you two doing here?
We followed you.
Why?
We want to be a part of your struggle.
No, you don't.
I'm on a mission.
No, we're with you.
There's nothing you can do to stop us.
Are all these people part of your mission?
Hell no.
This bus is run by the Algebraic Life and Enlightenment Church.
They've reduced life to some pseudo mathematical equation.
They offer cheap rates to college students,
and then once they're on board, Mr. Bean brainwashes them
with starvation techniques.
Oh.
Hello.
I'll be glad to stow your personal property.
That's OK. I got mine.
A rule's a rule.
Give me that.
Welcome aboard.
I'm starving.
It's been six hours.
I'm dreaming about that candy bar in my knapsack.
Don't think about it.
We're almost there.
Where's there?
We passed Baltimore hours ago.
I want to suck the jelly out of a jelly filled donut,
and let the chocolate from a peanut butter cup
melt into the dough.
Shut up.
Just shut up now, because you're scared and confused.
Focus.
That was your stomach.
Well, you made me think about it.
This is inhuman.
We should arrest Mr. Bean.
For what?
Hoarding Snickers bars?
Good morning.
What's your name?
Tom.
Hi, Tom.
How are you?
I'm a little hungry.
I'll give you $25 for a corn nut.
$25.
You've obviously been thinking about this.
Would you like a Slim Jim?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, man.
Don't listen to that crap.
No, no, Lance, listen, it's like this.
We're all on this bus and that's like a factor of x,
and we're talking, and that's a factor of y.
And by using this, we can predict--
[groaning]
I want a sandwich right freaking now.
May I remind you, young man, that you're
a guest on this bus, and you'll act accordingly.
- No, I won't. - Come on--
Where's my stuff?
[interposing voices]
A, and that's B, Mr. Bean is C.
Get back to your seat this instant.
Do it, Doug, do it.
[cheering]
Do it for the masses.
We're gonna get thrown off this bus.
Damn control freaks.
That guy was kind of strange, but you got to admit he sort--
Now, now, now, if math is, like, life, then, like,
I'm totally screwed up.
I got a C in geometry.
Really?
Because, you know, I've always--
I've always seen life as sort of like an equilateral triangle is
like--
We gotta get him a burrito.
He's really losing it.
Hey, you know, Doug, I was proud of you back there.
You and I, we're a lot alike.
You care and you won't let the power bring harm to people.
Well, speaking of which, listen, this mission we're on,
it's not going to hurt anybody, is it?
If anybody'll get hurt, it'll be me.
Hop on in, boys, unless you's a commie, a queen, or a cop.
Come on.
Where you headed?
Spring break.
Spring break, all right, let's go.
I get the front.
I got longer legs than you.
[interposing voices]
Florida, home of the hurricane.
Look at that water.
Look at that, wind surfing.
Howdy.
Ho.
Howdy.
Hey, man, where are the girls of spring break?
Hell, they're anywhere, just open up your eyes, son.
They're anywhere you look.
All right, well, just stop then, OK?
Just let us off anywhere.
I'll let you off right here.
Whole herd of girls here.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Have a good time.
I got a friend who's brother works at one in Honolulu,
and I think I can get a room overlooking Mamala Bay.
I'm gonna go visit a girl in San Diego.
Hotel Del Coronado.
Jump Street, Fuller.
Who?
Yeah, I'll accept the charges.
Hanson.
You and Penhall followed him?
Right.
No, I'm afraid to ask. Yeah, sure.
Give me a clue.
Ponce de Leon?
You have found the fountain of youth.
Florida?
No way.
They better not be.
Hold it.
You guys had better be pulling my leg.
Talk to me.
Lance.
Yes, that's three French poodles and a box of q-tips.
Thank you.
Hans-- Laurel and Hardy.
We called all the crappy motels.
They're all booked ahead of time.
All right, well, listen, guys, I got some good news
and I got some bad news, so which one you want first?
Lance, we really hate this game.
How about the good news.
All right, well, I found us a room in a motel down there.
Tom?
What's the bad news?
Chug, chug, chug.
Hey, roomie, come on over.
Kick back, grab yourself a brew.
You know, I'm not positive, but this
could be my living hell.
Dude.
Check it out.
It's a counting game.
But you have to leave out sevens or multiples of seven
or you're down a frosty mug.
It's kind of like collegiate flashcards.
They're on their 125th round.
334.
335.
338.
Whoo.
339.
Check it out.
It's not just the drinking game, but a mental exercise as well.
So while they're developing their brain cells,
they're also killing them at the same time.
We're from Harvard.
You?
What's the matter you?
That sounds familiar.
Who do I know that goes there?
I gotta torque one.
You better hurry up, one of these guys
might need a ride on the porcelain choo choo.
341.
42.
So what the hell is Lance doing down here anyway?
Obviously not to meet with this brain trust.
I don't know.
What do you think his mission is?
Cuba's Very close.
He's a spy.
Well, Falcon and the Snowman.
Lance starts putting masking tape X's on telephone poles,
keep an eye out for Castro.
I'll do that.
Hey, check it out.
We're really bummed because we thought there'd
be like beaucoup quasar here, but like the ratio
of guys to girls is 15 to 1.
But yesterday-- yesterday, we ran into this major babeage.
These girls, huh?
These girls are here.
Whoa, but at least you're on it, right?
All these girls were bitches except this one right here.
This one, she's on a mission.
Really, where's you see them?
Hotel not too far from here.
Which one?
It was like two blocks down, three up.
It's a big high rise deal.
You can't miss it.
Two blocks down, three up.
Yeah.
I think.
You think or you're sure?
I was pretty zonked yesterday.
On the game, I made it to 1,498.
For a long time, I thought I was in Morocco.
That's not the way it works, bud.
The guy at the desk said that we each pay half of the room.
No, no, he said, we get it free for having
to split it with you.
Yeah, well, then you are sadly mistaken.
Doug?
Let's not get defensive now.
Not at all.
There's no way I'm paying more than half for the room.
- We've been here all week, man. - No, I'm not going to--
There seems to be a little problem here.
We thought we we're supposed to pay for half.
Yeah, and there's no way I'm paying more than half.
There's no way.
Hey, forget it, man.
Once we heard you were paying for the room, we took the cash
and invested. - Invested?
Oh.
Tell you what.
We'll play the seven's game, whoever passes out, gets out.
- Go ahead. - No, no, no.
Well, I'm bad at drinking.
I'm bad at math.
You guys play quarters?
Do it, Doug.
1.
- 2. - 3.
- 4. - 5.
6.
8.
- 9. - 10.
- 11. - 12.
13.
14.
No sevens, you guys said.
And multiples of seven.
I didn't know that.
Ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law.
It's the law.
Chug, chug, chug.
I'll go get the bags.
No, wait.
I got it.
15.
16.
- 18. - 19.
20.
22.
- 23. - 24.
25.
26.
28.
Chug, chug. chug.
OK, Champ Man, you had enough.
Let's throw in the towel.
55.
99.
You're out of here, Quimby's.
No. I got it.
I got to go.
I'm on a mission.
I've got to cruise the strip.
We don't have a car, and even if we did,
you couldn't drive it.
I'll walk.
You'll walk?
I'll walk.
You'll walk it off?
Am I walking?
Yes, you're walking.
Two over.
Three up.
So now, I'm lost.
Do you mind?
[vomiting]
Hey.
Man, you got any gum?
No.
Watch the-- you got to--
never mind.
Is your hand clean?
Yeah.
I bet that chili burger tasted a lot
better when it was going down.
Man, I'm telling you, if I live,
I'm never going to drink again.
And this time you really mean it, right?
I'm telling you, man, yeah.
OK, OK, come on.
We're almost there, man.
So, Lance, about this pilgrimage, what's the deal?
Are we going to see like the Dalai Lama or something?
I can't find my eyeballs.
Well, they're there.
Breathe that way.
Stop with the water wienie, come on.
Stop, stop. Go over there.
Come on. Go over there.
Geez. Come on already.
Go, go, go.
Go.
Stop.
Pen?
Comrade Banducci.
Watch out for the thing here.
What are you doing here?
Yes.
Well, my good friend Lance and I are
on a very important crusade.
Lance, this is good old buddy of mine Salvador Banducci.
The last time I met you was May Day Parade 80--
- 7. - 87.
That's right.
Comrade Banducci, I heard about you in the movement.
You have?
Yeah, it's a pleasure to mee--
Likewise. is this--
what this-- does comrade Fuller know about this?
Yeah, Lance is feeling the hair of the dog.
Would it be all right if he went in and laid down.
Yes.
Sure.
Come on in.
All right, here we go.
Watch your step.
Ma, get off the couch.
Boy, you know, you are lost.
Your hotel's about seven blocks that way,
and it's about three blocks that way.
How'd you even get so lost?
I was looking for skeeball.
I was looking for an arcade to play skeeball.
You're into skeeball?
- It's my life. - Well, there's an arcade.
It's just a couple blocks from here.
I can't even believe you couldn't find it.
I am just drawn to it.
Drawn.
I mean, I could hear the clack of those balls from miles.
The clack.
I've never met anybody before with that same passion.
That's kism.
- It's kismet.
Kismet.
it's been awhile, you know?
Hey, this is going to sound like a line,
but you look really familiar.
Like I've seen you somewhere before, you know?
A past life?
No.
Separated at birth?
No.
Girls of spring break?
That's the one.
Yeah, well, if you never want to mention that again,
it is just fine by me.
Well, you know, you look good in it.
You look real good.
Thanks.
I just did it to tick off some people.
Like my dad and my mom and my old boyfriend, Lance.
They're just such control freaks, you know?
I couldn't stand it.
I knew doing those pictures would just
send them through the roof.
Plus, it's a free week in Florida.
Lance, huh?
That's your old boyfriend?
He doesn't think so, but I do.
He became a leftist radical in college just
to drive his parents crazy.
Sounds like you two are a lot alike.
But the thing is he tried to control me.
Lance did the same thing to me that his father did to him.
Well, I think we ought to get back.
Let's go.
We'll trade in the tickets, and we'll
get fuzzy dice and big combs and furry animals--
Are you that way?
What?
You have to be in control?
No, I let people do what they want, you know.
Well, I'll walk you home then.
I wouldn't want you to get lost.
Hey, what are you guys doing?
We're not doing anything.
We're on strike.
They weren't joking, were they?
Who?
Look, guys, I'm sure there's an explanation.
I mean, Hanson and Penhall wouldn't--
Let me tell you something.
If I don't make my trip to Hawaii,
heads will roll, mister.
Whoa.
I just had an ex-wife flashback.
And I'm with her 100%.
Wait a minute, Judy.
[non-english speech].
142,862.
142,863.
I'm looking for my friends.
Have you seen my friends?
We kicked them out of here hours ago.
Or was that yesterday?
Did they leave a note?
No, man. Now get out of here.
You're messing me up.
142,88--
Thanks for bringing me back.
You know, I think I might know where your friends would be.
Where?
Well, it's Thursday night and there's only one place everyone
goes and that 's [inaudible].
OK.
Hey, put that down.
Stop hitting your Uncle Doug.
Stop.
How you feeling?
You know, you get a good night's sleep,
your head won't feel like a medicine ball.
No, it's something else.
The mission?
Sometimes I just want to quit.
It's never too late.
Then I think about her.
Her?
My girlfriend.
That's the reason I came down here.
You're not here to bomb something?
What?
Excuse me, I'm a little confused about this.
Didn't the Workers Front bomb the school paper?
No, man, some chemicals caught on fire.
We took the credit for publicity.
No, to tell you the truth, man, I only
became a communist radical because that would
offend my parents the most.
I wanted to make them mad, but the only person who got mad
was Ashley.
That's my girlfriend.
She didn't-- she didn't care for radicals?
You know, who does really?
No, but the real reason she got mad was
because in trying to assert my freedom,
I was stepping all over hers.
You know, man, I would give up all this crap just
to have her back.
I know how you feel.
You got a girlfriend?
I'm married.
She's away.
What, you're separated, huh?
Where is she?
Yeah.
Separated.
This is her.
You know, I have stared at this picture for hours.
You know, I've memorized it.
Not just her, but her handwriting, you know?
The way she curls her S's.
The way she writes her L's.
Man, I miss her.
Maybe she feels the same way about you?
God, I only wish.
Does she ever think is he OK?
What's he doing?
Is he all right?
I don't know.
Let's go find out, Comrade.
You asked for it.
Penrod's, this is what everyone who's anyone
comes on Thursdays.
- Packed. - Packed.
Don't worry, I'm like this with the owner.
Like what?
Like this.
[interposing voices] ANNOUNCER: Yes!
Only in America.
And there's the bell ending another round.
Let's give these lovely gals a hand.
You sure you want to be here?
Yeah.
It's kind of like watching a car wreck.
I'm gonna go get some sodas.
[bell ringing]
Wait, wait.
Hold on a second.
Is there any way you can give this note to that guy sitting
over there with the hat on?
Let's see if the girls can keep that pressure up
as we enter the second round.
backed into
Sal, this is gross, man.
Can I get a napkin?
Thanks.
That's her writing.
What's going on?
I think I saw your friends.
Really, where?
They go on this bus.
You've got to stop that bus.
Why?
That bus is for couples only.
What?
The bus is for couples that don't
want to drive after drinking.
All right, well, where does it go?
Make Out Beach.
Oh my god.
Heat.
And that ain't all.
Welcome to my island.
Hit it.
Come, come, come, come, come, come, come.
Rainbows, lollipops, and-- listen, guys, listen.
Hanson and Penhall did not call, so no vacation,
but since you can't go to Hawaii,
I have brought Hawaii to you.
This is very nice.
Well, pass the sunblock.
So you see your friends anywhere?
No.
Maybe we should just go back?
What do you think?
No, I'd like to stay for a little while.
Yeah.
OK.
Well, what do you feel like doing?
I'd like to make some s'mores.
OK.
Hey, Sal, he's out here.
What are you doing out here?
What's the matter with you?
Pineapple, you missed a very good knock out in there.
I saw her.
She left with your friend Tom to Make Out Beach.
Well, where's that?
Forget it, Doug.
It's too far.
You don't just forget things like that.
Hey, hey, you, official police business.
I'm commandeering your vehicle.
Come on, buddy, off the bike.
Please?
Thank you.
Come on.
You gotta lose some weight.
What are you thinking about?
Nothing.
You thinking about your old boyfriend?
No.
We can go back if you want.
We can go back.
Do you think maybe you could find a blanket or something?
A blanket?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
I'll go find a blanket.
I'll be right back.
- What are you doing? - What am I doing?
Hi, Sal, what's he doing?
- He's playing Cupid. - I don't need Cupid.
I need keys. - It's not for you.
Who's it for?
Mr. Bean was right.
A plus B minus C equals AB.
What's he talking about?
I'm sorry to tell you this, friend, but--
You're C.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah.
Look, I know I've been a real jerk, and I'm sorry.
OK?
Dance?
Are you asking me or are you telling me?
Come on.
Really?
That's why we came down here.
That was our mission.
Well, why is it so important to you
that they got back together?
Mission accomplished.
Good work, man.
Sal, do they have the title bouts in the jello boxing?
Heavyweight championship.
It's good to see you, Sal.
You been sitting here all night?
Huh?
What are you staring at?
Look.
I'm sorry I messed you up last night.
Oh, no, look, listen, I--
that girl, she was nice and all.
I liked her, but it's not a problem.
At first, I thought Lance was like this major nutcase.
And now, I kind of respect him for what he did.
I'm thinking I should do the same thing.
What are you talking about?
I'm going to go get her.
Doug, being in Florida is one thing, and that's all fine.
You're talking about going to El Salvador
to find a girl you knew for five days.
This country's at war there.
I'll never be closer.
Well, if you want to go there, you know,
I'll go with you, if you want.
Thanks.
[music playing]