[laughter and applause]
COMEDIAN: I have a lot of liberal friends.
You ever try to argue with liberal people?
They're worse than bigots.
If you're a liberal, I gotta go, fine,
every generalization, every stereotype, nothing is true.
OK, Filipinos don't eat dog.
Fine.
A lot of Italian businesses are very legitimate, fine.
No, I've never seen an Italian women with a mustache.
Fine.
A black man's butt is not higher up than a white guy's butt,
fine.
Black people have self-control in movie theaters.
Sometimes they shut up.
OK, fine.
Japanese tourists never have photo equipment, are always
well endowed, fine.
Jewish people are rushing to pick up a check.
OK, fine.
Chinese people are excellent drivers, fine.
Fine, Puerto Ricans are always using birth control methods.
Might I add-- fine, millions of Mexicans
are at home right now without one velvet painting.
Fine.
Fine, ladies and gentlemen.
Please, stop it.
Thank you very much.
Stop it.
[applause and cheering]
-Stop it, please.
Please, I need some help.
It's Amateur Night, ladies and gentleman.
AUDIENCE: Uh-oh.
-This is-- uh-oh, thank you, hello-- Amateur Night,
which means, uh, that we bring up people-- you know,
those people who they think they're funny,
these jerks, these idiots.
They're flipping the burgers down at Jack in the Box.
They make love to their wife, they turn over,
they tell a joke.
These morning DJs -- are they the worst?
Ladies and gentlemen, they're all here tonight.
And we're going to start of the show with this--
with a high-school kid.
And his name is Marty Seltzer.
Let's bring him out here, ladies and gentlemen.
The comedy stylings of Mr. Marty Seltzer.
[applause]
-Marty.
Let's bring him out here, ladies and gentlemen.
Marty Seltzer.
Is that a stage name?
No?
No pies, OK?
Don't throw any pies.
-You're just mad 'cause you're short.
Uh, I'm sorry I'm late tonight, but uh, uh--
[feedback]
[clears throat] But uh, I-- as I was driving in-- I'm
really upset.
I'm freaking out.
I-- I heard on the radio-- anybody hear it?
Anyone?
Uh, one of my heroes, Stevie Wonder,
was arrested for murder.
Apparently Stevie got his eyesight back and, uh,
strangled the guy who was, uh-- apparently
Stevie got his eyesight back and killed
the guy who's been doing his hair for the past 10 years.
You know, he-- you know, he strangled him with his beads.
[silence]
My girlfriend, she went to a-- she went to a fat farm.
What do they grow?
My girlfriend, she's-- she's always dieting.
You know, she's dieting.
She's on a head cheese diet.
Anybody ever heard of a head cheese sandwich?
What is it?
Where do they get it?
[silence]
[theme music]
THEME SONG: We never thought of finding
a place where we belong.
Don't have to stand alone, we'll never let you fall.
Don't need permission to decide what you believe.
Hoo!
I said, jump!
Down on Jump Street.
Said, jump!
Down on Jump Street.
Your friends'll be there when your back is to the wall.
You'll find you need us 'cause there's no one else to call.
When it looks hopeless, a decision's what you need.
You better be ready to, be ready to jump!
21 Jump Street.
NICOLETTE: [screams] Oh!
Get off me!
Get off!
What are you doing here?
-I'm bringing you to your morning workout.
What do you think?
And Lincoln's Mark Hardy executes
a perfect two-point reversal.
And that's three more for the [inaudible]!
NICOLETTE: Mark, come on.
-Hey!
-We gotta talk.
-I don't wanna talk.
-No.
-Here it comes, right?
The old "Romeo and Juliet" speech.
You're a Montague and I'm a Capulet, and--
-And that's right.
-"West Side Story" was a fluke?
-"West Side Story" was a movie.
I mean, you gotta get up at 6 o'clock in the morning,
just so we can hold hands.
-Oh, so we, uh, just hold hands, huh?
-You know what I mean.
-Yes, I do, and you're the one who's afraid to be with me.
-Like it would play at your mom's bridge club.
Besides, my father would have a stroke.
-Your father likes me.
-He tolerates you.
That can't be a surprise.
I mean, come on, think about what's
been happening at school.
-Who cares?
-I care.
Don't.
-You know, I hate the way you are right now.
-I have to tell you something.
-What?
-I can't.
Look, it's over.
-Hey!
Go long, go long, go long.
-Come on!
Come on!
-Whoa, whoa, Red, Red.
-Hey, yo, a little help?
You want to toss me the ball?
-Oh.
[laughs]
[laughter]
-Oh!
Ooh!
Almost got a window.
-What the hell you do that for, man?
-Oh, hey, man.
[SINGING] Doo-wah, doo-wah, doo-oo-oo-oo-ooh-- what?
[laughs]
-All I asked you do was give me back the ball.
-Oh, hey, man, I tried, but I guess
I'm not as athletically inclined as you people is.
-Let him go, Tim.
-Whoa.
When your old man needs a job, you
tell him to come by my father's plant.
We need a new janitor.
[laughter]
Oh, please, let him go.
Let him go!
-We're gonna get your shines bussed back out of here.
Watch.
[shouting]
-[SHOUTING] Hanson!
Let's get to it.
And you and you back inside right after lunch period.
Hoffs?
Where's Penhall?
-Not in till 11:00.
-It is 11:00.
-Finally, Stevie got his eyesight back
and killed the guy who's been fixing his hair for the last 10
years.
Anybody ever had a head cheese sandwich?
I mean, head cheese-- where do they get it?
-There's a lot of racial tension at Lincoln High.
-I can see that.
Tell me something I don't already know.
-Hey, I'm sorry, but I didn't make the March on Washington.
-That's apparent.
HOFFS: Whoa, whoa!
Go easy, guys.
-You know, when I was your age, we
couldn't join the force unless we out-tested everybody else.
You know, we'd all hoped this stuff
had ended in 1967 in Newark, Detroit.
All this stuff about whose country it is and all.
It stinks.
Doesn't it, Harry?
-Hey, Captain, I'm just glad to be here.
You know how much a stereo costs in Tokyo?
-He knows what you mean, Captain.
So do I?
-Do you?
Then what about last year, Howard Beach?
You know what that means?
Or how the last couple administrations
pulling back on affirmative action.
Bernard Goetz.
It's starting all over again.
-Hey, come on, Captain, maybe it was only a fist fight.
-And maybe it wasn't.
-And I'm not so sure Bernard Goetz was wrong.
-Back to the 1950s, huh, Hoffs?
-Back to when black women weren't
getting my kind of jobs.
-Hanson, my report says we're looking at a potential race
riot.
Is that what you want to call what happened?
-Let's just call it a fist fight for now,
but, uh, don't tell Jesse Jackson on me.
Yeah.
OK, yeah, there's some problems over at Lincoln.
Uh, they got a new black principal
in a mostly white school.
Guy's kind of a nut about the busing.
-And it could get worse.
-Oh, come on, Captain.
I grew up in all this "Whitey's got your job" stuff.
-Hoffs, what does your father do for a living?
-You know what he does.
-Yeah, I just want to hear you say it.
Out loud.
-He's a dentist.
-A dentist.
Mine was a bellboy.
Hanson, keep working Lincoln High from the inside.
PENHALL: Sorry I'm late.
I was, uh, working on some stuff.
OK, OK.
So, Stevie Wonder, right?
He gets arrested for murder.
Whoa.
Tough room.
-Ah.
In general, I must admit I was pleasantly surprised
by yesterday's test results.
Although Tom, even though you're new here,
I'll expect better next time.
Hydrogen peroxide is what punk rockers
use to bleach their hair.
[laughter]
But is also rocket fuel.
Nice job.
You only missed one.
-I didn't miss any.
-Rub it in.
-Hey, rub this, man, is isn't wrong.
This answer's correct, Mr. Haller.
-Hey, you did a great job, Patrick.
But I'm afraid it's not.
-The hell is isn't.
HANSON: Come on, take it easy.
So you got an A-minus.
-This is crap.
-Mr. Riley, we'll discuss this later, and I'll explain--
-Not later, now.
Heat is energy.
Any idiot knows that.
-I didn't.
[laughter]
-Patrick, we'll talk after class, all right?
-Heat is energy, and I am not going
to take an A-minus on a perfect paper.
-Heat is energy, but energy isn't always heat.
-That's crap, man.
-Patrick, I'm afraid I'm going to have
to ask you to leave the class.
-You don't have to ask.
[door slams]
MARK: Nicky.
[fire alarm ringing]
-Single file.
No talking.
-Recess!
-Form a line in an orderly fashion.
STUDENT: Got a cigarette?
[kids talking and laughing]
-Ooh!
[kids shout and laugh]
-You look good, man!
[shouting]
KID: Let's trash the school!
[cheering]
-Think we should call the police.
-No.
-Come on, we've got a race riot going on here.
-Watts was a race riot, Mr. Haller.
-George, we need help.
-I'm the principal here, Bill.
Go back to your classroom.
Now this will settle down.
Please.
-Mr. Messiah.
-So what's up with the tears, child?
-I hate this, Daddy.
-It just takes some time, that's all.
Ready for Saturday?
This is a big meet for both of you.
-Well, I-- I think your daughter's
more ready than I am, sir.
PRINCIPAL MESSIAH: She better be.
-You haven't told him, have you?
-Oh, yeah, sure.
You don't get it, do you?
-Marty Seltzer?
PENHALL: What's wrong with that?
-It's stupid.
You think Jerry Lewis is just a funny name?
Huh?
No.
The guy's a comical genius.
Just ask the French.
Lewis is big box office in Paris.
And you know why?
Huh? 'Cause he's funny.
Pass me those wire-cutters.
-He is?
-Hey, watch it, Penhall.
He's one of the greats.
You got him, Hope, Skelton-- very funny guys,
these guys are, all of them.
Except maybe Hope.
REPORTER [ON TV]: A robbery last night in--
[sound cutting out]
-Great, channel six and a half.
-You think maybe it's my material?
-Absolutely.
That stuff with Stevie Wonder, him being blind and all that?
That ain't funny.
Head cheese?
Personally, I happen to like head cheese.
Never offend your audience.
Now you want to be funny?
Listen to me.
-I am funny.
-Now when do you go on again?
-Amateur Night is every Tuesday.
-That ain't a lot of time.
-Just want to be as funny on stage as I am at work,
you know?
-Look, you're funny at work 'cause people hate being there
and they're bored.
You work a club, you better have a product,
'cause people pay a cover.
You don't make 'em laugh, it's like stealing.
-Stealing?
-Grand theft comedy, Penhall.
[zap]
[bang]
[boom]
[zap]
[sizzling]
STUDENTS [VOICEOVER]: I pledge allegiance
to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God,
indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
-Nigger.
Honky.
Spic.
Mick.
Kike.
Wop.
Chink.
Slope.
Gook.
Wetback.
Well, that should cover at least some of the things
we can say to each other that hurt.
Not all of them, but some of them.
Nobody could cover them all.
And no matter on what side of those words you happen to be,
you've got to know that there are too many of them.
And there's always going to be more.
So what?
Well, I'm not the kind of guy who gets a tear in eye
every time he hears the "I Have a Dream" speech.
You don't have to like me.
I don't have to like you.
But nobody has done anything bad enough here at Lincoln High
to make anybody hate each other.
At least, not yet.
H. A. T. E. Simple word.
Four letters.
"Hurt" has four letters too, and so does "love."
I'm not naive enough to ask you people to love each other,
but I can ask you to live with each other.
Now I'm new here.
When I came to your school, I brought a lot
of black boys and girls with me--
not because I wanted to stir up trouble or act
like some kind of bleeding heart that
was going to turn the world into a wonderful, loving rainbow.
I did it because I'm a man who believes
in following the rules, and my rules
tell me that I have to bus in a black student
population of 22%.
Anybody has a problem with that, I'd be glad to talk to them.
Anybody's parents that has a problem with that
can go to hell.
Now on Saturday, Lincoln High has the honor
of hosting the state finals in track.
I'm asking all of us to look inside ourselves and find
the one thing that we all share.
I guess it's called pride.
Let that pride help us act in a way
that we can all be proud of.
Let it help us make a little bigger footprint in the sand,
make it a little easier for anyone who wants to follow us.
[cheering]
OFFICIAL: Get set.
[gunshot]
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: Centrano off to fast start for Central High.
He brings a string of six consecutive victories
to this afternoon's meet.
[cheering]
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: Sheldon for Lincoln High,
in the number eight lane, coming up to challenge.
But Centrano clears the last hurdle in good position.
-Hi, anybody sitting here?
-You're that new kid, aren't you?
-Yeah.
Somebody said you were kinda cute.
-So it's a rumor.
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: And Centrano holds on for the victory.
Sheldon second, and [inaudible] third for Lincoln.
All competitors in the men's 400-meter final,
please report to the starting line.
[coughing and retching]
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: Going into the 400 meters,
Lincoln High leads the meet with 109 points, Lafayette
in second place--
-[TEARFULLY] I'm sorry, Daddy, I'm sick.
-I used to get sick before a meet, too.
-It's a different kind of sick.
-Don't let 'em beat you down, baby.
You can always tell a winner in the gate.
You're a winner.
-Daddy, I gotta talk to you.
-Any time, baby.
Win that race out there today.
Win it in our own backyard.
Win it for all the crap we had to wade through to get here.
Good luck out there today, Mark.
Nicolette.
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: Lincoln High is
proud to host this year's track and field state finals,
and we thank you for your support.
-I thought if our parents talked like that,
we were supposed to tell them to go to hell.
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: This is the final call for the men's 400
meter.
All competitors report to the starting line at this time.
[cheering]
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: Next up, the final heat of the 400 meters,
featuring Lincoln High's own Mark
Hardy, holder of the state record--
-So, uh, who do you want to win?
-Are you kidding?
Mark.
Guy's a fox.
HANSON: Not me.
I want Patrick Riley.
He's my chemistry lab partner.
-Uh, I don't want any of them to win.
-Ah, the last American liberal.
-Oh, come on.
You should talk to my dad.
HANSON: No thanks.
-You ready?
Good luck, man.
You OK?
Look, if you've got a problem with me, let's settle it.
I mean, you're supposed to be my rabbit in this race.
-Man, I am not anybody's rabbit.
-That's how we got to the finals, Pat.
Come on.
-It's how you got to the finals.
I just carried your candle.
You think you can win without that?
-I know I can.
-Well, I know I can, too.
And if I do, you stay the hell away from Nicki Messiah.
Are you good enough to make that big a bet?
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: Runners, on your marks.
Get set.
[gunshot]
[cheering]
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: Mark Hardy has snatched an early lead.
[cheering]
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: And now Patrick Riley
make his move, passing Mark Hardy out of the last turn.
[cheering]
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: These two are racing neck-and-neck.
We could be looking at a new record as both runners
head for the finish line.
-Aah!
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: Riley stumbles
as his teammate Mark Hardy takes the men's 400
meter in a record time of 45.5 seconds.
[cheering]
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: And it looks as though Patrick Riley
may have pulled a muscle.
-No!
Leave me alone!
-Are you all right?
-Just leave me alone!
Get your hands off me!
-You OK, man?
-You're a real class act, Hardy.
Who's you get to do this, huh?
Who?
Who'd you get to do this?
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: Next up, the women's 500 meter
cross country and favorite, Lincoln High's own Nicolette
Messiah.
[panting]
[sobbing]
[horn honks]
[tires squeal]
[thud]
[siren blaring]
[voices on police radio]
[siren blaring]
-What do you think?
-It doesn't matter what I think.
The word's out all over school that some white teacher
ran Nicki down on purpose.
-Is that a possibility?
-I hope not.
I mean, I can't believe it if they did.
-I can.
-Well, it could've been a suicide attempt.
-Yeah, right.
Sorry.
It's just that when I hear things like,
"I can't believe it," it makes me a little nuts.
I'm still not buying the attempted suicide excuse.
I mean, Nicki Messiah's a beautiful girl, had everything
going for her.
Why would she try and kill herself?
-'Cause maybe the rainbow wasn't enough.
-That was my wife's favorite play.
-Mine, too.
-So what's gonna happen now?
-Who knows?
There could be some kind of retaliation.
-All right, you stay close to her.
-Okey-doke.
-Being black's been very different for you.
-I know.
-It's hard for me to say I'm sorry about how I feel,
but I'm trying.
-I know that, too.
-I'm confused.
-Still?
-Yeah, still.
Listen, I gotta ask you this.
Am I funny?
-No.
Excuse me.
-Is that true?
-Sometimes.
-Hey, are you coming on Tuesday?
-I don't know.
Hoffs, um, you got a minute?
-Nice.
-I told you, only next of kin are
allowed to see Miss Messiah.
-And I told you that I am her next of kin.
I mean I'm her boyfriend.
PRINCIPAL MESSIAH: Mark.
What are you doing here?
-I want to see her.
-I think you've done enough already.
Nurse, no one sees my daughter.
-Mr. Messiah, is she going to be OK?
Is she?
Is she going to be OK?
-Why don't you just go home?
-Who's that?
HANSON: That's Mark Hardy.
Guys, like, perfect in school.
AOKI: What's he doing here?
-I don't know.
Maybe he's a friend of Nicki's.
[keys jingling]
-Hey, Hardy!
[gunshot]
-Aaah!
-Freeze!
Police!
[gunshot]
-Stay with him!
[steam hissing]
-[SHOUTING] All right, just be cool and nobody gets hurt.
PATRICK: [SHOUTING] What are you doing here, man?
-Patrick.
Come on, Patrick.
Easy.
Drop the gun.
-[SHOUTING] What are you doing here, man?
-I'm here.
What difference does it make?
-It makes a hell of a difference, man.
You gonna bust this renegade nigger?
-I'm a cop working undercover.
-Yeah?
You're doing a hell of a job.
Look, man, I like you.
Just stay out of this.
-I can't.
Come on, drop the gun, Patrick.
-Why should I?
-Because this is wrong.
-Hah!
Wrong?
This is wrong?
Come on, man.
Nicki's in the hospital.
-So you kill someone else?
-He's dead?
-Drop the gun, Patrick.
[gun clatters on floor]
[monitor beeping]
-[WEAKLY] Daddy?
-Hi, baby.
-I-- I wanted to die.
-But you didn't.
-I'm sorry.
-Don't be sorry.
-Is my baby OK?
-Yes.
Yes.
-Do you know whose it is?
-Mark.
-I love him, Daddy.
Don't hate me, Daddy.
BOYD [VOICEOVER]: We gonna let these shines get away
with this?
CROWD: No!
-Are we gonna let Patrick Riley and his brothers
blow a hole in Mark Hardy?
I mean, come on, now, he's one of our best!
CROWD: No!
-Now they say we can't even get into our own school.
We need a day off to cool out!
Well I don't want to cool out!
And I'm not gonna let 'em try and run us
off from where our parents worked to get us to.
My old man moved out of that cesspool
so he could raise his family right.
Now they're moving right back in again.
-Who says you was raised right, Boyd?
[laughter]
-You love 'em so much, Walter?
Why don't you go live with 'em, huh?
Why don't let 'em take your dad's job.
-Since when your daddy have a job to take?
[laughter]
CROWD: Ooooh.
Ohhh.
-Since today.
[snick]
-The day I start getting one back for him.
CROWD: Yeah!
BOYD: Today is the day we take back what's ours!
CROWD: Yeah!
[cheering and shouting]
-You think this is a good idea?
-I doubt it.
We've still got a job to do.
Let's get inside.
-Maybe we should just radio in to Fuller.
-What, and make him right?
-No.
OK, OK, I'm here.
I'm just a little worried, OK?
-Well, don't be.
You're with me.
-Oh, I forgot.
The Fonz.
-[SHOUTING] Nigger lover!
STUDENT: OK, so Nicki's gonna be all right.
But how do we know they still didn't do it to her?
-Well, we don't.
But those guys outside know that Patrick Riley shot Mark.
-Yeah, but who started it, man?
I mean, you come in here after the fact and under a badge?
[students agree]
-Maybe we shouldn't believe you either.
[students agree]
-Maybe not.
-Hey, how is Hardy?
-Yo, who cares, man?
-Hey, man, I do.
I mean, he's my quarterback.
-Well, he ain't gonna be throwing passes for a while,
but I hear he's OK.
-So what you saying?
We should just sit back and take it?
-What I'm saying is that somebody
should try to do what's right.
-Tch.
You can afford to do what's right.
You're white.
STUDENT: That's right.
That's right.
-Me?
I gotta protect myself.
I'm gonna do what I got to do.
-Yeah, that's right.
-Yeah.
[students agree]
-Nicki's pregnant, isn't she?
-Who are you?
-We're cops.
-Terrific.
Come on, this is getting a little ridic--
-Look, Mark, it's your baby, isn't it?
-Yes.
I didn't want her to have an abortion.
-Is that why Nicki tried to kill herself?
-There's a lot more to it than that.
It's everything-- the baby, her father, kids at school.
-Who thought this was racially motivated attempted murder.
And you didn't say anything?
Why?
-You gotta help us.
[siren blaring]
[kids shouting]
-[YELLING] All right!
Let's do this!
[cheer goes up]
-[YELLING] Be knocked out of our own school?
CROWD: No!
[helicopter zooms overhead]
[SHOUTING] There they are, man!
Let's get 'em!
[sirens blaring]
[horn honking]
[boom]
[horn honking]
[voices on police radio]
[coughing]
-No one tried to kill me.
-Look, you ain't got to cover up but nobody.
-Not after what they did to you.
-I'm not.
I tried to kill myself.
I tried to do that because I'm going to have a baby.
[murmurs]
-It's our baby.
[surprised murmurs]
-And we're going to have it together,
whether you people like it or not.
So if you want to kill each other, find a better reason.
[laughter]
-[RAPPING] 'Cause I'm a stand-up comic, well, that's my line.
And I'd like to know your zodiac-- z-z-z-zodiac-- z-z-z--
z-z-z-zodiac sign.
-Could someone tell me what I'm doing here?
-Relax, Captain, Penhall's struggling
with a career change.
Give him a break.
-Hey, at $10 a cover, I hope he makes it.
-And then they talk about a sock missing from a dryer.
But--
-Hey.
I thought you were going on.
-No way.
-'Cause when I hit the stage, well, I'm doing my thing.
I'm more like LL Cool J than I am like Alan King.
[cheering and applause]
-Ladies and gentlemen, the next guy is a janitor.
That god, he's last.
Someone's got to clean up this place.
I kid out of love.
Hello.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome to our stage
the comedy stylings of Sal Banducci.
Sal?
[cheering and applause]
-Sal, here you go.
Good luck, man.
Sal?
Man, Sal Banducci?
Is that another stage name?
-Hey, no way, bub.
I didn't change mine, 'cause once I knew you,
my parents changed theirs.
[laughter]
EMCEE: All right, yeah.
Yeah!
-Sorry I'm late, but I tell ya-- driving in tonight,
I heard something that just freaked me out.
Stevie Wonder was arrested for murder.
[laughter and applause]
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. [VOICEOVER]:
I still have a dream It is a dream deeply rooted
in the American dream.
I have a dream that one day, this nation
will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident,
that all men are created equal."
[applause and cheering]
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. [VOICEOVER]:
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia,
the sons of former slaves and the sons
of former slave-owners, will be able to sit down together
at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream.
[typing]
[ding]
[music playing]