MEN: (SINGING) One for each other and all for one
The three brave amigos are we
Brother to brother and everyone
A brave amigo
Wherever they need us, our destinies lead us
Amigos, we 're always together
(EXCLAIMING)
Wherever we go, we 're three brave amigos
And will be amigos forever
We are the Three Amigos
We are the Three
Amigos
And amigos forever we'll be
(WHINNYING)
(HORN HONKING)
Rodrigo.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(HORN HONKING)
(PEOPLE SPEAKING SPANISH)
Rodrigo, we will find the men we need in there.
Sefiores, we are from the village of Santa Poco.
We have come here for your help.
(MEN LAUGH)
A very great injustice is being done.
A man named El Guapo is threatening our very lives.
We are looking for men who are brave enough to stand up to this tyrant.
(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH)
Perhaps I can be of assistance.
I'll help you.
But first you're gonna help me, darling.
(GASPS) No!
- Leave him alone! Rodrigo! - Get out of here!
(LAUGHING)
Come!
They are no better than El Guapo. They will not help us.
- No one will help us. - Rodrigo, you must have faith.
The Holy Mother will help us.
(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING FOR SILENT FILM)
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
(GASPS)
(LAUGHS)
With three men such as these, El Guapo would not dare to enter our village.
"Goldsmith Pictures, Hollywood, California."
The Three Amigos,
Goldsmith Pictures, Hollywood, California.
Three Amigos.
We have seen your deeds and think you are very great.
We can pay you 100,000 pesos.
A hundred thousand pesos?
We do not have 100,000 pesos.
Don't worry, Rodrigo, they will refuse it.
But it would be an insult not to offer it to them.
One hundred thousand pesos.
One hundred thousand pesos if you come to Santa Poco
and put on a show of your strength and stop the...
- The horrible... -...evil, murdering...
...villainous monster, El Guapo.
So that once again we can be a peaceful village.
Twenty-three pesos.
We only have ten.
Okay. I give you the ten-pesos version.
You are great.
One hundred thousand pesos if you come to Santa Poco.
Put on show.
Stop the...
I'll put "infamous El Guapo."
Infamous?
(MAN RESPONDS IN SPANISH)
It means "murderous, evil," all like you said.
And it will save you money.
Thank you.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
We've got to get back to basics,
Shooting for Love, Wanderers of the West, The Ride of the Three Amigos.
All the great Amigo pictures had one thing in common,
three wealthy Spanish landowners who fight for the rights of peasants.
Now, that's something everyone likes.
It's a people idea.
It's a story a nation can sink its teeth into.
But then came Those Darn Amigos.
A box office failure. Nobody went to see it
because nobody cares about three wealthy Spanish landowners
on a weekend in Manhattan.
We strayed from the formula, and we paid the price.
I thought we were quite good in it.
Good? We were great.
Why don't you tell the boys about the Cochise picture, Morty?
Sandy and Irving are working on it right now.
You meet Cochise. At first, you think he's a terrible guy.
You fight. Then, you get to know him, you come to respect each other,
and at the end of the picture, you're friends.
We send you boys to Baja and we shoot the picture in eight days.
What do you think?
That'll be the day.
What did he say?
He said, "That'll be the day," Mr. Flugleman.
What?
I don't think you understand who you're talking to here.
We have a few items we want to straighten out first,
or you might be looking at three actors
who really don't feel like making a Geronimo picture.
What the hell are you talking about?
Lucky, I think maybe we should...
What we're talking about is money, real money.
Amigo money.
No dough, no show.
Boys, boys.
Let me just say one thing.
It'll be a cold day in hell
when Harry Flugleman lets an actor tell him what to do!
Do you know what the word nada means?
In all those Mexican movies you made, did you ever hear that word?
Isn't that a light chicken gravy that you...
It means "nothing, zero, zip."
It's what you're gonna have when I'm through with you!
You hit Harry Flugleman on a bad day.
I'd like to continue to work for free, Mr. Flugleman.
Are you living in the studio mansion?
- Yeah. - Not any more, you're not.
Sam!
The Amigos are out of the mansion.
Where did you get those clothes, from a movie?
Yeah, the studio gave them to us. Those Darn Amigos.
Well, we're taking them back. Sam!
Get wardrobe over here right away. Take the Amigos' clothes.
Wait a minute! You can't take our clothes.
You gave us these clothes. They were presents!
Come on, wait a minute! Lucky.
Wait a second.
I think you misread who you're talking to here.
Misread?
I want these schmucks off of my lot.
(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Okay! Okay!
And Mr. Flugleman says you're not to come back on this lot ever!
Look, boys, I know show business. Something always turns up.
Telegram for the Three Amigos.
(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)
"Three Amigos, Hollywood, California.
"You are very great.
"One hundred thousand pesos to come to Santa Poco.
"Put on show. Stop. The infamous El Guapo."
What does that mean? "In-famous"?
Ah!
Dusty, in-famous is when you're more than famous.
This man El Guapo is not just famous, he's in-famous.
A hundred thousand pesos
to do a personal appearance with this guy El Guapo,
who is probably the biggest actor to ever come out of Mexico.
Wow. The in-famous? In-famous?
Wouldn't it be easier if we just went to Flugleman
and asked him for our Amigo costumes?
No, Flugleman hates us right now. He's never gonna give us our costumes.
Lucky's right. This is the only way.
(WHISTLES)
(CAWING)
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
You two!
You! You two!
Look!
(EXCLAIMING)
Look up here, look up here!
Hey, you, look! Up here!
Up here, up here!
(EXCLAIMING)
Hey, you guys!
(LUCKY GROANS)
This way.
Turn on the lights.
Hey, what's going on up there?
Let's go, Amigos.
(BIDS FAREWELL IN SPANISH)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
(PIANO PLAYING)
(DOOR SLAMS)
(PIANO PLAYING RESUMES)
(IN GERMAN ACCENT) I'm looking for a man by the name of El Guapo.
Do you know this man?
Perhaps, senor.
Hey, where'd you get that pretty little gun?
El Guapo will be interest to see me. I have something he wants.
Hey, I'm talking to you.
Where'd you get that pretty little gun?
I'm meeting some friends of mine here.
When they get here, tell them to wait.
How will I know them?
You will know them.
You will most certainly know them.
Hey, why don't you come over here and sit on my lap?
I wanna show you something, honey.
(GROANS)
Anyone else with a comment?
Some friends of mine will be coming here.
I hope you will show them more courtesy than you have shown me.
They aren't as kindhearted as I am.
(URGING HORSES)
Looks like somebody's been down here with the ugly stick.
Let's go. (CLEARS THROAT)
(SPURS JINGLING)
Uh, excuse us. We're not Mexicans.
We're from out of town.
We were wondering if you could tell us where the best hotel in town is.
There's no hotel in this town.
Great. No hotel. I could kill somebody.
(ALL GASPING)
Excuse me. You are the...
Yes, we are.
We have heard of you.
No kidding.
(LAUGHING)
I have a message for you.
The German says to wait here.
Mmm, yeah.
Well, so long as we've got some time to kill, I think I'll have a beer.
We don't have no beer, just tequila.
What's tequila?
It's like beer.
Is it fattening?
Fattening?
Forget it. If it's like beer, we'll have some. Three tequilas.
Sure. Sure, amigos.
Enjoy yourselves.
But try not to get into too much troubles, okay?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Thank you.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
- It's an odd taste, isn't it? -(SQUEAKILY) It's probably watered down.
There's something about this place. Everybody seems so grim.
Well, they're just intimidated. They've only seen us on the big screen.
Hey, we're just folks like you. Just relax.
Dusty, go on over to that piano.
Oh, no. I haven't played in so long. I couldn't, really.
Been a long time.
All right, we're gonna do a little number for you,
but remember, we're a bit rusty, so bear with us.
- Just like the old days. - All right.
Maestro.
My little buttercup has the sweetest smile
Dear little buttercup, won't you stay a while
Come with me where moonbeams paint the sky
And you and I might linger
In the sweet by and by
Oh, dear little buttercup
With your eyes so blue
Oh, little buttercup, you're a dream come true
You and I will settle down in a cottage built for two
Oh, dear little buttercup, I love you
Everybody!
My little buttercup
- Has the sweetest - Smile
Hey, great.
Dear little buttercup
Won't you stay a
While, While
You and I will settle down
In a cottage built for two
- Oh, dear little buttercup - ALL: Dear
- Sweet little buttercup - ALL: Sweet
My little buttercup
I love you
What did I tell you?
Yeah, they loved us.
(AIRPLANE FLYING)
- What is that? - It's a plane.
Not just any plane. It's a Tuppan 601.
I flew one in Little Neddy Goes to War.
What's it doing here?
I think it's a mail plane.
How can you tell?
Well, didn't you notice its little balls?
(LAUGHING)
The little balls hanging down.
The little... The balls. The mail plane.
It's a "male" plane. And the balls...
(LAUGHING)
Let's go find out where we're supposed to be.
Okay.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Hey! Look at the two little sissies!
(MEN LAUGHING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
This town is getting too rough for me.
Carmen, the Three Amigos, I saw them coming out of the cantina.
- You are the Three Amigos? - Yes, we are.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Told you we were big down here.
Come. We will take you to Santa Poco.
- Oh, great! - Fine.
This is our village.
Isn't that the Three Amigos?
Do you think they can protect us from El Guapo?
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Ah.
Welcome to Santa Poco.
Here you go.
Dusty Bottoms.
Can I have your watch when you are dead?
What did he say?
Mmm. That's good. Very good.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
We are honored to have you in our home.
Do you have anything besides Mexican food?
Lucky, how's this show supposed to work anyway?
Well, I talked to Rodrigo tonight. He's the kid.
He was kind of hazy on the details.
But as far as I can figure,
El Guapo's coming in a day or two.
He rides in, acts like he owns the place.
We come out, put on a big show, and pretend like we run him off.
It's pretty much what we did in Shooting for Love.
(SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)
(DOG BARKING)
Hey, Lucky.
What are you gonna do with your share of the money?
A car. A big, shiny, silver car.
(CHUCKLES)
I'll drive all over Hollywood, show Flugleman a thing or two.
What about you?
New York. Maybe Paris.
Mmm.
A lot of champagne.
Parties. Be a big shot for a while.
Yeah.
How about you, Ned?
I'm gonna start a foundation to help homeless children.
That occurred to me to do that at one point, too.
I meant that I would do that first, and then I would get a big, shiny car.
Or after I come back...
(MEN LAUGHING)
Hey, let's go get some more tequila.
El Guapo, he said to wait here.
By the time he's here, we'll be back.
(AGREES IN SPANISH)
Let's go to Santa Poco. They'll be glad to see us!
(ALL SPEAKING SPANISH)
Which one do you like best, Carmen?
I like the one who's not so smart.
Which one is that?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Sooner than expected. I must warn the Three Amigos.
They are coming! They are coming!
- Who? - El Guapo and his men.
Already?
Well, we'll start to get ready then.
They want us to do the show now.
Great! I thought we were going to have a rehearsal.
Obviously not.
So what? They've probably done it a million times,
and we know what we're doing.
(MEN SPEAKING SPANISH)
Looks like there's about three of them.
Perfect. Rodrigo said there'd be 50, now there's three.
They better not try to cut our money.
Where's our tequila? We're waiting!
(MEN SHOUTING)
Say, those guys look pretty good.
Are you kidding? They're doing every cliché in the book.
We'll give them about 30 more seconds. I hope those horses they got for us are okay.
If I have to come into that cantina, somebody's gonna die!
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
Okay, Amigos, this is it. Ned, big smile.
Dusty, just relax and have fun with it.
I'm just gonna have fun with it.
- I'm Lucky Day. - I'm Ned Nederlander.
I'm Dusty Bottoms, and together we're the Three Amigos!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Let's go!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
(URGING HORSES)
Well, you slime-eating dogs,
you scum-sucking pigs, you sons of a motherless goat.
"Son of a motherless goat"? And who are you?
Wherever there is injustice, you will find us.
Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there.
Line.
Wherever liberty is threatened, you will...
Wherever liberty is threatened,
-you will find the Three Amigos! - The Three Amigos!
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN SPANISH)
Who are these monkeys?
I don't know.
Whoo!
Should we kill them?
No, let's go tell El Guapo what we've seen here.
(LAUGHING)
And stay out.
(WHOOPING)
- Nice show. - Not bad for a matinee.
- Damn it, I forgot a line though. - They'll never pick it up.
They'll never notice it.
(ALL CHEERING IN SPANISH)
They're really starved for entertainment around here.
I'm telling you, I've been in this situation before.
Ask for the money now, while they're excited.
You were magnificent.
- Oh. - We were okay.
(NED LAUGHS)
Then what happened?
Then, they got on their horses.
They rode all over the town, shooting their pistols up in the air.
And they called us scum-sucking pigs.
Us!
What should we do, El Guapo?
Tomorrow, I will take 50 men with me,
find these three gringos, open their stomachs,
grab their intestines, and squeeze the shit out of them!
(LAUGHING)
Perfect.
(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING)
(FESTIVE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ALL CHEERING)
Do you have a girlfriend back home, Dusty?
No.
We never really had time for that sort of thing, being so busy.
Have you ever kissed a girl?
Oh, yeah. Sure, lots of times.
Would you like to kiss me?
Yeah.
(CONTINUES PLAYING GUITAR)
Well?
What, now? Here?
We could take a walk, and you could kiss me on the veranda.
Lips would be fine.
One time Dorothy Gish was visiting me on the set
of Little Neddy, Grab Your Gun,
and she came up to me,
and she looked me in the face,
and I had never met her. I'd just known her from the films, you know,
Dorothy Gish, Lillian's sister,
and she looked me in the eyes and she said,
"Young man, you have got it."
And...
Ah!
Dorothy Gish. It's a true story.
Next time we come here, I'm gonna ask for a different room.
Amigos, El Guapo himself is here, with all his men, just outside the village.
I have your horses waiting. You must ride against them now.
- What is she talking about? - I don't know.
(HOOVES POUNDING)
Looks like we got another show to do.
- Great. Yeah. - Let's get it over with.
Let's go.
They are so brave.
It's a pleasure working with you.
Well, you dirt-eating piece of slime, you scum-sucking pig,
you son of a motherless goat!
Who are you?
Wherever there is injustice, you will find us.
Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there.
(LOWERS VOICE) Tell us we will die like dogs.
What?
Tell us we will die like dogs.
You will die like dogs
No, we will not die like dogs!
We will fight like lions.
- Because we are the Three Amigos! - The Three Amigos!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN SPANISH)
LUCKY: Ride, caballeros!
Ride, Amigos. Arriba, arriba!
(ALL CONTINUE EXCLAIMING)
I like these guys.
They are funny guys.
Just kill one of them.
Hold it! Hold it!
- Lucky, jeez, are you all right? - What happened?
I don't know.
Here.
Ow! Ow! Ooh!
What? What?
Wait a second.
Let me see that.
Come on, come on.
Ch, great!
Real bullets.
(GROANS)
I'll keep this.
You're in a lot of trouble, mister!
(LAUGHS)
Excuse me.
(BANDITS SNICKERING)
It's real.
What?
Uh, this is real.
You mean...
Yes.
They're going to kill us.
(ALL SOBBING)
What am I doing in Mexico?
I've been shot already.
I know.
What are we gonna do?
We're not gonna get paid, that's for sure.
Let me talk to them, man to man.
Yes.
Mr. Guapo...
I'd just like to say, on behalf of the Three Amigos,
we're very, very sorry and we'd like to go home now.
You see, sir,
we're not gunfighters.
We're movie stars.
Movie stars?
Yeah, actors, uh, entertainers.
You know, we sing and dance.
Yeah, you know...
(SINGING) My little buttercup has the sweetest smile
Don't you want to die like dogs?
Well, if there's any way of avoiding that part of it...
El Guapo only kills men.
He does not kill crying women.
(ALL SIGHING IN RELIEF)
So go,
you big movie stars.
Thank you. Thank you.
Faster!
People of Santa Poco,
you were very foolish to bring men to try to stop El Guapo.
You have hurt me.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
You see, Jefe? A rose can bloom in the desert.
Jefe!
Santa Poco is no longer under my protection!
(EXCLAIMS)
(GRUNTS)
The town is yours, muchachos!
(ALL SHOUTING)
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
(GUNS FIRING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Afternoon.
We'll just get our things and go.
There is nothing of yours here.
El Guapo has taken everything.
Sorry.
Did you see a pair of cuff links? They were mother-of-pearl...
Dusty.
Where's Carmen?
El Guapo has taken her, too.
- Let's go back to Hollywood. - The sooner, the better.
- It's too hot down here. - Bad for my hay fever.
- We don't belong down here anyway. - Where's Ned?
Ned, what are you doing?
What do we have to go back to?
We've no jobs. No money.
No place to live.
No friends. No women.
No self-respect.
BOTH: Oh, hold on. Wait.
Ned, we could get killed.
Back there the Three Amigos are already dead.
Here we could be the Three Amigos for real.
I'm drawing a line.
Men or mice? What'll it be?
(GUN FIRES)
Let's ride!
Great job catching the food, Ned
Oh, thanks, Lucky.
How do you like your bat, Dusty?
Medium rare.
Ah. This should do it.
Thanks.
(SIGHS)
How far do you think we rode before we had to go back and get directions?
Just three or four miles.
Ned, read those instructions again.
All righty.
(NED CLEARS THROAT)
All right. We go east
through the desert until we come to the singing bush.
The singing bush?
When we find the singing bush, we say the magic chant,
each fire one shot in the air,
and that will summon the invisible swordsman,
and he will then show us the way to El Guapo's.
Want your wings?
No, I'm fine.
- Here you go. - Oh, great, thanks.
Well, good night.
Look at the little fella. He's tuckered out already.
(COYOTE HOWLING)
What was that?
It's just a coyote.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
I've never slept outside before.
Take it easy. Take it easy.
Dusty...
(SINGING) Arizona moon keep shining
From the desert sky above
You know pretty soon
That big yellow moon
Will light the way back to the one you love
Blue shadows on the trail
Little cowboy, close your eyes and dream
All of the doggies are in the corral
All of your work is done
Just close your eyes and dream, little pal
Dream of someone
(SINGING ALONG)
Blue shadows on the trail
Soft wind blowing
Through the trees above
All the other little cowboys
Back in the bunkhouse now
So close your eyes and
Dream
Good night, Lucky. Good night, Dusty.
Good night, Ned.
Good night, Lucky.
Good night, Dusty.
(COYOTE HOWLING)
(OWL HOOTING)
(ALL PANTING)
(LUCKY GROANING)
(GARGLING)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(SIGHS)
Lip balm?
(SINGING WESTERN SONG)
Excuse me. Are you the singing bush?
Let me talk to him.
Excuse us. Are you the singing bush?
Hello? Hi!
Hi!
Excuse us!
Hey!
Forget it. My guess is this is the singing bush.
Let's go summon the invisible swordsman.
Summon the invisible swordsman?
I can't believe I'm doing this.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
Now let me see here. We each have to fire one shot in the air,
say the magic chant, and the invisible swordsman will appear.
(CHANTING)
Neddy!
(CHANTING)
Dusty.
(CHANTING)
(LOUD GRUNT)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Great! You've killed the invisible swordsman.
He's dead, all right.
How was I supposed to know where he was?
You were supposed to fire up. We both fired up!
It's like living with a six-year-old.
Now we'll never find El Guapo's.
He was the only one who could show the way. We're lost.
(AIRPLANE FLYING)
It's the Tuppan 601 we saw in Diablo.
I'll bet it's going to El Guapo's. Mount up!
It means, "Get on your horses."
(SINGING CONTINUES)
Carmen, today is El Guapo's birthday,
and tonight, you are to be El Guapo's woman.
I would sooner die.
Let me prepare you for the way El Guapo makes love.
Tell me, Carmen, do you know what foreplay is?
No.
Good. Neither does El Guapo.
Jefe, the German arrived yet?
Not yet, El Guapo.
Many presents have been coming for your birthday.
The German has the only presents I want, guns.
Guns, so that the name of El Guapo will be hanging on everyone's lips.
JEFE: He will be here, Guapo,
but I think you will like your other presents, too.
I have put many beautiful pinatas in the storeroom,
each of them filled with little surprises.
Many pifiatas?
Oh, yes, many.
Would you say I have a plethora of pifiatas?
A What?
A plethora.
Oh, yes, you have a plethora.
Jefe, what is a plethora?
Why, Guapo?
Well, you told me I have a plethora,
and I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is.
I would not like to think that a person would tell someone
he has a plethora
and find out that, that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.
Forgive me, El Guapo. I know that I, Jefe,
do not have your superior intellect and education.
But could it be that, once again,
you are angry at something else
and are looking to take it out on me?
Like what, Jefe?
Could it be because you are turning 40 today?
No.
Could it be because Carmen chooses to sleep in her cell instead of with you?
Hmm.
Why don't you just take her?
When you want cattle, you take the cattle.
When you want food, you take the food.
When you want a woman, you just take the woman.
Why don't you just take her?
Jefe, you do not understand women.
You cannot force open the petals of a flower.
When the flower is ready, it opens itself up to you.
When do you think Carmen will open up her flower to you?
Tonight, or I will kill her.
BANDIT: El Guapo!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
There is the German now, right on time.
We must make him welcome.
Hold.
This way, boys.
Stay.
LUCKY: Down.
DUSTY: My God!
We're gonna have to figure out a way to get inside.
It looks impossible.
Lucky, those walls are 25 feet high.
There's a guard at every post. There's no way we'll ever get in there.
I think Dusty's right.
Well, we're just gonna have to use our brains.
- Damn it. - Damn it.
Guapo, here come the guns!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Jefe, what's his name?
That's Paco.
Paco!
Take off your hat.
Hold it up! Higher!
You lived up to your promise.
You will be my guest at the celebration today.
A little party my men are throwing for me.
(DUSTY GRUNTS)
(MEN SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(ALL WHOOPING)
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(GUNS FIRING)
(SHUSHING)
This is where we'll climb up.
What about that guard?
I'll throw a rock and distract him.
Okay.
But I would throw it out there somewhere, maybe toward that tree.
Try and hit that... No, in the dry riverbed.
There's...
Let's go.
(ALL GRUNTING)
(LAUGHING)
You like it, El Guapo?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(GRUNTS)
Seize him!
So far, so good.
GUARD: What was that noise?
I do not know.
(GASPS)
(SHUSHES)
I have three demands.
One, that you stop harassing the people of Santa Poco.
Two, that all the land of Mexico
be redistributed equally among the people
and a proportional system of government be established,
consisting of three separate, but equal, branches,
the legislative, the executive, and the judicial.
And three,
that the girl Carmen be returned to me unharmed.
Amigo, why you come here?
You don't belong. Now we have to kill you.
(GASPING)
Take him away.
Excuse me, did you say kill me?
(WHOOPING)
(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
(GUNS FIRING)
You see, under my system,
you would no longer be under the thumb of El Guapo,
but you would be free to determine your own destiny.
You see, under a strong federal system, you would have certain rights.
For example, owning property.
You two could have a beautiful little castle on the mesa.
You know, I can see it now, with your little bambinos
running everywhere, playing in the yard.
- We have a plan. - What is it?
First, we break into El Guapo's fortress.
And that you've done. Now what?
Well, we really didn't expect the first part of the plan to work,
so we have no further plan.
Sometimes you can over-plan these things. (LAUGHS)
So give me a second to talk to Lucky, and I'll get back to you.
Wait! There's a guard outside the door.
(SNORING)
Quick! You must dress in his clothes.
Then, you will be able to move freely in the courtyard.
Got it.
Ow! Ow!
Easy.
Come and get them, guerito.
(GUARDS LAUGHING)
(GATES CLOSING)
So, I just wait here then?
Okay, you go get the horses. Meet us out front.
That's a good plan.
Thank you.
(GRUNTING)
(PEOPLE SPEAKING SPANISH)
(EXCLAIMS)
A toast to El Guapo.
El Guapo!
(ALL CHEER)
Today, he is...
Thirty-three years old.
(ALL CHEERING)
(TOASTING IN SPANISH)
On behalf of myself, Jefe,
and the rest of the boys,
we chipped in and got you this gift.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
What can you say about such men?
(LAUGHS)
It's a sweater! It's a sweater!
(ALL CHEER)
Jefe.
Gonna make it. Gonna make it.
Never make it, never make it, never make it.
Gonna make it. Gonna make it.
Gonna make it. Gonna make it...
(EXCLAIMS)
I made it!
Cw!
My men, my compadres,
what we have done, we have done together.
(ALL CHEERING)
I know each one of you like I know my own smell.
Carlos,
we fought together the priests of this mission.
Pedro,
we crushed the federales on the plains of Oaxaca.
And you...
- Jose! - MEN: Jose!
Together, we...
- Burned the village! - Burned the village!
And, uh...
Raped the horses!
And we...
Rode off on the women!
And, uh...
- We plundered! - Plundered!
- And, uh... - Pruned.
- Pruned the, uh... - The hedges.
Hedges...
Of many small villages.
Who the hell are you?
Another one of the goddamn gringos. Take this monkey away!
Put him with the other Yankee maricén.
What is happening around here today? Are gringos falling from the sky?
Yes, El Guapo.
Now we have all the Amigos. Take them away.
One moment, please. I know who this man is.
You do?
Yes, it is Ned Nederlander.
Who?
You are my favorite star of the silver screen.
Really?
In Germany, the cinema is very popular.
I have seen all of your films,
including when you were known as Little Neddy Knickers.
Well, that was a long time ago.
It was this man who inspired me to learn the art of the quick draw.
I looked up to this man. I studied his every move.
It was my dream to be as fast as Ned Nederlander.
I practiced every day for hours and hours.
He was a god to me.
A god? Well, I don't know about that.
But it is nice to meet a fan. You know, often I think...
Then, I found out about movie tricks.
Trick photography. I was crushed.
I never used trick photography.
That is impossible. No one can be as fast as you appear to be.
I am that fast.
We shall see.
Happy to.
Does anybody have a watch, preferably one with a second hand?
I got a stopwatch.
No stopwatch.
As you Americans say, "We will play for keeps."
Give me back his gun.
Leave him here. He might like to see his friend die.
I've seen it.
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)
You don't understand. I don't shoot at people.
You see, it's against my upbringing.
Call it etiquette, whatever. You know, I was thinking...
(GUN FIRING)
I've waited for years for this moment.
You wanna die with a man's gun,
not a little sissy gun like this.
Enough!
Take the gun! Let's go!
(JEFE LAUGHS)
(HAWK CALLS)
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS ANGRILY)
I have had enough of these Yankees.
Not so fast, El Guapo!
Or I'll fill you so full of lead, you'll be using your dick for a pencil.
What do you mean?
I don't know!
- I think he means that if you... - Shut up!
So, you thought you could outsmart the Amigos.
Well, not this time. Dusty, cover El Guapo!
Now, everybody, throw down your guns.
Do as he says!
- Not you, Dusty. - Sorry.
Okay, now, everybody lay down and put your hands behind your head.
Ned, open the gates!
(GRUNTING)
And don't try to touch those guns!
(URGING HORSES)
Kill them!
(GUNS FIRING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Hurry up! Hurry up!
(URGING HORSES)
LUCKY: Ride, Amigos, ride!
(ALL SHOUTING)
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
(MEN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
Ned, what luck! It's a Tuppan 601. You can fly one.
Yeah. Didn't you fly one in Little Neddy Goes to War?
Well, not exactly. Actually, my stuntman did.
But I'm pretty sure I can remember.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Ned! Ned!
(SCREAMING)
DUSTY: Look out, Ned. LUCKY: My God!
LUCKY: Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
So long, El Guapo!
I will see you in Santa Poco.
(SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Santa P000!
Ned, land.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Hold it.
(SCREAMING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
El Guapo is on his way.
Someday the people of this village will have to face El Guapo.
We might as well do it now.
In a way, all of us have an El Guapo to face someday.
For some, shyness might be their El Guapo.
For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo.
For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous guy who wants to kill us.
But as sure as my name is Lucky Day,
the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo,
who also happens to be the actual El Guapo.
We want to defend ourselves. But how?
By using the skills and the talents of the people of Santa P000.
This is not a town of weaklings.
You can turn your skills against El Guapo.
Now, what is it that this town really does well?
ALL: Hmm.
We can sew.
There you go. You can sew.
Ah.
If only we had known this earlier.
- Ned, Dusty. - Sewing.
Remember our film, Amigos, Amigos, Amigos?
- Yes. - Remember what we did in that movie?
- Do you think it could work? - It's got to work.
It's our only hope.
Sew, very old one. Sew like the wind.
Okay, dig here.
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
Yoo-hoo!
Where are you?
(GUNS FIRE)
There they are, El Guapo!
Now they're over there, El Guapo.
Now they're over there.
Shoot them!
They're over there.
Now they're over here.
EL GUAPO: What the hell is happening around here?
Shoot, shoot!
JEFE: Now they're over there, on top of the church.
El Guapo, they are everywhere.
They're over there, too.
(LAUGHING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Come back, you cowards!
You traitors!
I'm still here, El Guapo.
You stupid horse!
That was some good trick.
Come closer. I have something to tell you.
-(SCREAMING) -(EL GUAPO LAUGHING)
That was a good trick, too.
(LAUGHING)
I'm gonna miss you, senor Dusty.
I'm gonna miss you, too, Pablo.
Here, I want you to have my watch.
I wanna go with you.
No, Pablo, there's still much to be done here. Your village needs you.
And your family needs you.
We are men without homes.
We were meant to wander.
You will always have a home here with us in Santa Poco.
Goodbye, Dusty.
You have done what you said you would do.
Long will the memory of the Three Amigos live in the hearts of the people of Santa P000.
I'll come back one day.
VVhy?
Well, I thought that maybe you and I could...
Oh.
(CHUCKLES)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Let's ride.
(HORSE NEIGHS)
We are proud to give you all that we have.
NED: Here, I'll take that.
Our reward is that justice has been done.
And remember, wherever there is injustice, you will find us.
Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there.
Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find...
ALL: The Three Amigos!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
LUCKY: Let's ride!
(URGING HORSES)
LUCKY: Let's ride!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(SONG PLAYING)