DANNY: So? BERNIE: So what?
So tell me. What?
About last night. Are you kidding me?
Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me?
Yeah. Are you pulling my leg?
So? So, tits out to here. So.
Yeah? Yeah, 20-couple years old.
You gotta be fooling. No.
You devil. What, you think she hadn't been around?
Yeah. Hadn't gone the route?
She knew the route, did she?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Yeah? She wrote the route.
No shit? So tell me.
So, okay, so where am I?
So, you're probably at the Pancake House.
So, okay, I'm over at the Pancake House.
Who walks in over to the cash register but this chick?
Right. Yeah, 19, 20-year-old chick.
Who we're talking about.
She wants to buy a pack of Viceroys.
I can believe it.
Gets the smokes and does this number
about how she forgot her purse up in her room.
Up in her room? Yeah.
Was she a pro? At that age?
Yeah.
Well, at this point, we don't know.
So down we sit. We get to talking, this, that.
Blah, blah, blah.
And it's, "Come up to my room and I'll pay you back for the smokes. "
No. Yeah.
You're shitting me. I'm telling you.
And was she a pro? At this point, we don't know.
But up we go, and it's, "Sit down. You want a drink?"
"Well, what do you got?" "Bourbon. " "Fine. "
And then what shot does she up and pull?
A, she says, "I think I want to take a shower. "
No. Yeah.
And, B, she says, "Then let's fuck. "
She said that? What did I just tell you?
You're... Was she a pro?
At this point, we don't know.
So, anyway, I do say, "I'll join you in the shower, if you have no objections. "
Of course. So into the old shower we go.
Does this broad have a body? Yeah?
Are you kidding me? So tell me.
The tits, the legs... Yeah? The ass?
Are you fucking fooling me?
The ass on this broad!
Young ass? Well, yeah.
Young broad, young ass. Right.
So, anyway, we get out, toweling each other off
in his and her full glory. Yeah.
But while we're toweling off,
I flick the toweI at her, very playfully like.
And by accident, it catches her a good one on the ass.
(EXCLAIMS) We got this big red mark. No.
Well, I'm all sorry and so forth.
But what does this broad do,
but let out a squeal of pleasure relief
that would fucking kill a horse? No.
So, what the hell? I'm liberal.
I pick up a chair and heave it at her.
Draw blood?
At this point, no.
But what does she say? "Wait a minute!"
She crawls under the bed,
pulls out this suitcase from under the bed.
From out of the suitcase comes this World War ll flak suit.
They're hard to find. Sure.
Zip, zip, zip. She gets into the flak suit.
We get down on the bed.
What are you doing? We're fucking.
But she's in the flak suit? Right.
Well, how do you get in?
Well, she leaves the zipper open.
Right. Right.
But the shot is, every 30 seconds or so,
she wants me to go, "Boom!" at the top of my lungs.
At her? No, just in general.
So we're humping and pumping
and greasing the old flak suit.
Every once in a while I go, "Boom!"
In the middle of everything,
she slithers over the side of the bed,
turns on a little Sony tape recorder.
Wait. Wait. Wait. I don't know what the shot is, right?
All of the sudden I hear, coming out of the tape recorder...
(IMITATING GUNFIRE)
So, fine. I'm pumping away,
the tape recorder's making airplane noises.
Every once in a while I go, "Boom!"
and the broad on the bed starts going crazy, right?
She's moaning and groaning.
I'm humping and bumping.
She's screaming, "Red Dog One to Red Dog Squadron," right?
All of the sudden she screams, "Wait a minute!" Right?
She leaps under the bed,
pulls out a five-gallon jerry can.
Right.
Opens it up. It's full of gasoline.
She splashes some all over the walls,
whips a fucking Zippo out of her flak suit,
So the tape recorder's going...
The room's full of smoke, right?
The broad jumps back on the bed
and she screams, "Now! Give it to me now,
"for the love of Christ!"
So I look at the broad,
and I figure, fuck this nonsense.
BERNIE: One, two, six, I'm in the hall,
struggling with my shorts.
Make it to the elevator, whole place is filled with smoke.
Elevator arrives, the whole hall's filled with firemen.
You know, those fucking firemen make out like bandits.
DANNY: Nobody does it normally anymore.
It's these young broads, Danny.
They don't know what the fuck they want.
Do you think she was a pro?
A pro, Dan. Yeah.
A pro is how you think of yourself.
See my point?
Right.
Come on, you scumbags, last inning!
Only one run down!
We hold them down!
We'll catch them in our half!
Todd, get up.
Who's that over there? Where? Where? Where? Where?
Which one? Right there.
Cute guys. Here comes Debbie's boss.
He looks good. Let's see if he can hit.
(CHATTERING)
WOMAN: Come on, Mr. Carlson!
(SPECTATORS CH EERING)
Out! Out, out, out.
MAN: Good play, Danny! Good one, Dan.
All right, no stick now. No stick.
That second baseman has got a really nice ass.
WOMAN: He does.
JOAN: I refuse to go out with a man
whose ass is smaller than mine.
Really? WOMAN: Me, too.
GLORIA: Your dates are gonna be pretty scarce.
(SPECTATORS WH ISTLING)
Very nice catch, Danny.
All right, Danny.
GLORIA:... your date, God forbid.
I'm making a beer run. Anybody?
Yeah. Thirsty?
Thanks. No, thank you.
Go get him. Go on.
(HOWLING)
Oh, God, it's the guy with the cute ass.
Go for it. Come on!
WOMAN: Hey, Bernie! For me and Mother!
Come on, honey!
Here, let me help you.
MAN: Do it, Big Bernie, do it!
Anytime I can give you a hand.
I'm finished. Just give yourself a hand.
Come on, guys.
MAN: Looks good. It's going, it's going. It's gone!
(ALL CH EERING)
Yeah!
(ALL H UMMING)
(SCREAMS)
(ALL WHOOPING)
Put me down! Put me down!
(LAUGHS)
(EXCLAIMING)
Mother's is giving a party tonight!
Winners and losers!
Mr. Carlson, that was such a good game.
Carrie, I don't want to hear about it right now, okay?
Steve, are you going to Mother's?
I doubt it.
You know, I've been meaning to mention
that it's really stupid to fuck your boss.
I mean, for starters, it's a damn good way to lose your job.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
(CHATTERING)
Guess who walked in here last night?
Not the redhead.
The redhead was here last night?
What did she say?
Ask Bernie. He took her home.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
You know, the thing about redheads is lack of pigmentation.
Well, they're almost albino.
You bang an albino?
No.
Well, I have, and they're nuts.
Welcome, ladies! Welcome to Mother's.
We're honored. Come on, follow Mother.
So, where are the guys from your team?
(SCOFFS) Sulking.
First round's on Mother.
Thank you.
I'll be back in a minute, you guys.
You know, they're gonna come at me tomorrow like savages.
Marauding beasts bent on destruction.
Stop it. Deborah...
Deborah, you work in advertising, all right?
It is a civilized business.
I, on the other hand, work with monsters.
You're talking about five-year-olds.
Right, and my job is to break their spirit.
That's what kindergarten is all about.
(LAUGHS) The Germans invented it, Deborah.
Think about it.
Oh, God, Pat's going in for the kill.
JOAN: That's a nice turn.
Coy. With just a hint of giddiness.
Her big move should be coming up any moment.
The combination hair flip with a giggle.
There's a 3.2 degree of difficulty here, Joan.
Let's see if she can pull it off.
JOAN: This is it. This is it.
DEBBIE: Yes. Yes.
Yes! Yes!
Oh! Oh!
Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo! Yes!
Bravo! 9.0! 9.0!
BERN IE: Now, look it, tell me.
Tell me getting these advertising babes here wasn't perfect.
Look at that. Pick a pair, any pair.
It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
We did pretty well for ourselves, huh?
We? Did you say "we"?
You know, you got a lot of brass balls, you know that?
I do all the work, you take all the credit.
You know what your problem is? Your face.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, right. Come on. Wise up, man.
You're too good-looking.
These girls go out with you and they get nervous, man.
They feel dumpy. They don't want to compete.
They want a guy like... Like me.
You know, a guy that's gonna make them look good.
Right. A basic Neanderthal type.
Right. Your swarthy type.
A man's man. A kind of guy who's...
Oozing testosterone?
BERN IE: Exactly.
A young woman in today's society,
she wants a little bulk in her diet.
Yeah, she wants a big guy who sweats.
(CH UCKLING) Yeah. Right.
Best thing that could happen to you, Danny, is an industrial accident.
You know... Excuse me.
You're not leaving, are you?
No, we're walking in backwards.
I'm Debbie.
Hi. Dan.
This is Joan, my roommate.
She specializes in unsolicited attacks.
Deb, we're going to Irving's, right?
It's a 4:00 dive for us Kamikaze pilots.
Right. I've been bombed there a couple times myself.
(SCOFFS)
Quit while you're ahead, okay? Deb.
(SIGHS)
So...
So, I couldn't help noticing you
and noticing you noticing me.
There was a clock over your head.
So...
(WORDS INTO ACTION PLAYING ON STEREO)
♪ I can't let you go tonight without a fight
♪ Oh, you been sending love signs that feel so right
♪ When we move you talk of love I understand
♪ Oh, baby, there is no time like the first time
(LOU DLY) I'll bet these have been put to a lot of use.
(LOU DLY) They work? Good.
'Cause I just got them today.
♪ I know you'll be worth the wait
♪ When you're turning your words into action
♪ Letting your body do all the talking
♪ I wanna know how it feels
♪ When we love the first time
♪ When you're turning your words into action
♪ Letting your body do all the talking
♪ After all this time
♪ Turning your words into mine ♪
(GROAN ING)
(SOFTLY) Shit. Shit.
(TOILET FLUSH ING)
(GASPS) You don't have to run right off.
Yes, I do.
(STAMMERING) It's really...
It's been a slice of heaven, all right?
I just have to go home.
It's a habit of mine. And...
Ow! Oh!
Here, I can turn on a light.
No, no, no. That's all right.
Well, bye.
Yeah. Bye.
Listen, I could give you a ride home.
No. No, thanks. Really.
Bye. Thank you.
Thank you.
What are you doing out here?
I have this guy in my room. This big guy.
Real drunk. Real cute.
I mean, this guy is huge.
He's laying facedown, kitty-corner on the bed
like a big old beached whale.
Come on, you have to see. No.
No, he is dead drunk. He is out like a light.
It would take a crane to get him out.
(MAN SNORING)
Didn't I tell you?
So, did you have a nice evening?
Yes, I did, and then I crawled away in shame.
Aren't we a couple of sluts?
I can't believe that I slept with him on the first date.
There wasn't even a date.
Thank you.
I tell you, I couldn't help myself because he is so gorgeous.
But can he type?
(TH U DDING) MAN: Ouch!
(MAN GRU NTING)
Well, I guess you'll have the bed to yourself.
But here's the shot.
She's got this fur-lined bed, right?
What kind of fur? I don't know what kind of fur,
but it's fur, all right?
And the static electricity that is being caused
is sending these little sparks right to my nuts.
You know, I felt like a human jumper cable.
No shit.
So, you score last night?
Yeah.
Yeah, double headphone deal?
Yeah, right.
That chick, is she hot?
Huh?
Yeah, she was fun.
Fun?
Fun? She was fun?
Yeah, she...
Have you ever done it in a plane?
Yeah. Yeah, I once nailed two stewardesses in a 747 at 35,000 feet.
You know what? It was fun.
I had a fun time.
(DOOR OPENS)
Favio. Are you ready for this?
Yeah. Yeah, cheap son of a bitch. DAN NY: Are you ready?
Come on, you haven't ordered silverware in over six months.
Are your customers eating with their toes?
Throw in a plastic steak marker.
Look, I'll throw in a plastic steak marker.
If some kid throws up on them, man,
you don't have to worry about it.
Push the French fries. Yeah. Yeah...
French fries. French fries.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're fabulous. I'm sure you're gonna love them.
Okay. Okay. Sure.
No, anything you want for a deal.
DANNY ON PHONE: Hello?
Hello.
Hello. Debbie?
Who's this?
It's Dan. Dan Martin.
From last night.
Yeah. Look, I wanted to talk to you about last night.
What an amazing coincidence.
That's what I'm calling about. Last night.
Listen, I was pretty drunk last night.
Did anything happen?
(DANNY LAUGHING)
No. Absolutely nothing. Want to do it again?
I mean, would you like to get together again for a drink?
I'm awfully sorry.
Come on, we picked up the phone
at the same time. I think that's a sign.
It was a fluke. Last night was a fluke.
STEVE: Debbie.
Uh-huh.
Could you send up two pages of the 36-point Bodoni Bold press?
Can you bring me this layout to Conference Room E?
DANNY: Is that your boss? Uh-huh. Yeah.
Well, listen. Meet me at Mother's at 6:00.
And don't take me for granted
'cause I'm only gonna wait there for four or five hours.
No. No. I won't need any. Uh-huh. Yeah. Thank you.
The broad from last night, huh?
Yeah. I pick up the phone to make a call and she's on the line.
Yeah, right.
Pull this leg and it plays Jingle Bells.
I'm really sorry about last night.
That's okay.
See what happens when you take life too seriously?
What did you do last night?
Went home and took some lithium. You?
Are you busy for lunch?
How about a nice long one at my apartment?
I can't. This stuff's due tonight.
Maybe tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
(SIGHS)
They're fine.
Well, the first week they're too scared to cause any trouble.
Miss Gunther?
(CH UCKLING) Wait a second.
Lisa, honey, I am on the telephone, all right?
The baseball player, he called you? Miss Gunther.
Wait a sec. Hang on.
Lisa, you really shouldn't be out here wandering in the halls.
What? I will go with you if you need a chaperone.
Look, I have to go pick up some art supplies.
So why don't you just meet me at Horder's?
I will buy you a Mickey Mouse pencil holder.
Wait. Hang on. Miss Gunther.
(GROANS)
Look, Deb, I really have to go.
No, I will meet you at 5:00. Okay?
Yes. Yes. Bye.
It's okay. Honey, come here.
You know, everybody wets their pants,
and nobody has to know about it.
What size do you wear? 6X?
Well, I just happen to have an extra pair in my locker
with little pictures of Wonder Woman all over them.
DAN NY: Bernie, Bernie, they're here.
Great. I guess I get the dog.
Hi. How are you? Hey.
Come on, sit down. Here.
Here you go. Here. Sit.
Bernie, this is Debbie. Debbie, this is Bernie.
Hi. Hi.
You know, you're a very attractive woman.
Anybody ever tell you that before?
(YELLS) Huh?
Bernie. What?
This is...
Joan. Bernie.
Joan, that's a nice name. So sit down.
You want a drink? Mother, some drinks.
I don't want anything. I... I gotta go.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
What do you do?
Me?
Well, yeah, for a living?
I'm a neurosurgeon. You?
I'm a professional boxer.
You know much about the fight game? No.
I'm the heavyweight champion of the world.
Well, it's nice to meet you, champ, but I gotta go.
Wait. Come on. One drink.
One drink's not gonna hurt.
I have something better to do.
Deb, I'll meet you at the steam bath tomorrow at 6:00. Dan.
Yeah, nice meeting you.
Interesting broad.
Where did she develop her personality?
In a car crash?
She really is very nice once you get to know her.
Yeah, yeah, right, sure.
Are you gonna sit down?
Shoot, no, no, no, no.
I'm gonna let you guys do what you guys gotta do.
Don't worry about me. I'm just gonna go home,
make a little macaroni and cheese,
seal the window and turn on the gas.
I'll be all right.
I'll see you tomorrow, Bernie.
BERN IE: Yeah, Danny.
Fashionably late.
Well, I just thought you might be fool enough
to sit here until midnight.
Don't look at me like the cat who just ate the canary,
because this is as far as this goes tonight.
Are you cold? Do you want a T-shirt?
I don't need anything.
Are you okay? I mean, did you...
Yeah.
Yeah?
Couldn't you tell?
Yeah. I mean, you know, girls sometimes, it's...
I mean, guys... You know.
Yeah. We figure we'll just keep you in the dark
and then that way maybe you'll work a little harder.
You're full of secrets, aren't you?
It's a conspiracy.
I knew it. I knew it.
Just to throw you off balance.
You wanna know something else?
We went out with, you know, older guys
in high school just to make you jealous.
I knew that, too. Okay, come on, what else?
Well, our girlfriends, they're really lesbian lovers.
Every one of them.
You must hate us, I mean, as a race.
Don't you?
Yes, we do.
Tell me one. What?
A secret? Yeah.
I don't have any secrets.
I mean, what you see is what you get.
(SIGHS)
You going home?
I was stretching.
Do you want me to go home?
No, I... Well, do you want to?
Well, do you want me to stay?
I mean, I don't know if it's such a good idea if I stay.
It doesn't mean anything if you stay.
I'd like you to stay, if you want to.
Yeah. All right.
Yeah. Well, all right. I'll stay.
I am getting sick and tired of you making fun of me.
(SO FAR SO GOOD PLAYING)
♪ No way of knowin' where we're goin'
♪ No way of tellin' what we've got
♪ Love is attraction
♪ Calls for action like it or not
♪ We're no one-nighter, we're much righter
♪ I taste tomorrow in your kiss
♪ But I can't sell you, I won't tell you
♪ That we can't miss, I'll just say this
♪ So far so good
♪ We've been movin' right along just like we should
♪ So far so good
♪ If it isn't love it's still in the neighborhood
♪ Knock on wood, baby, so far so good
♪ If it isn't love it's still in the neighborhood
♪ Knock on wood, baby, so far so good
♪ Oh, yeah
What?
I like this place.
"Place"? Come on, this is a joint.
Look at the fixtures in here.
Everything in here. I mean, the Formica.
You can't even get this Formica anymore.
Everything in here is all art deco, isn't it?
Yeah, kind of.
Yo, Gus. How about a refill?
Yo, Danny, you know where the coffee is.
I've got a date I'm trying to impress here.
You shouldn't have brought her here, then.
Is this the way you talk to all your customers?
All three of them.
I like this joint.
♪ So far so good
♪ We've been movin' right along just like we should
♪ So far so good
♪ If it isn't love it's still in the neighborhood
♪ Knock on wood
You remember last night in bed?
Yeah.
You wanted to know something about me.
Yeah.
I wanna own my own restaurant.
Oh, oh...
I mean, nothing fancy, but a real first-class joint.
Danny's.
I know, who am I kidding?
I'm never gonna have that kind of money, right?
Yeah, I guess it all falls apart right there.
No. I mean, you wouldn't believe
what you got to go through in this town to get a liquor license.
It's an outrage.
It's a goddamn scandal.
Washed up at 24. It's tragic.
You know what? You're all right.
♪ Baby, so far so good
♪ So good, so good
♪ We've been movin' right along just like we should
♪ So far so good, so good, so good
(PHON E RINGING)
If you answer it, I'll kill you.
♪ Knock on wood, baby, so far so good ♪
Where the hell have you been?
I'm sorry. I got hung up.
Steve called.
What'd he say?
What do you think he said?
He said, where the hell were you?
And what'd you tell him?
I told him that you have to wait 24 hours
before you file a missing person's report.
I just thought you were in somebody's trunk or something.
I was with Danny.
You were with Danny.
Oh...
I waited for you at the steam bath place.
Just sweating my ass off with a bunch of fat women
from the old country
who don't speak any English.
What was I supposed to do? Talk to myself?
I'm sorry.
"I'm sorry. "
You know, it's the same old thing, Deborah.
It's the same old crap.
You know, I bet in high school, you were one of those girls
that just sort of dropped your friends like a hot potato
whenever some guy would call.
Who didn't?
I didn't.
Of course, I didn't have a whole lot of dates anyway.
Don't pull that.
It's not fair. All right?
We have been friends for a long time
because we don't take each other for granted.
I'm sorry.
I got hurt.
I guess I'm just a little too sensitive.
So, what's for breakfast?
Egg McMuffin, corner of Broadway and Belmont.
He was supposed to come today.
But he didn't. He came a day earlier.
This is a big city. You gotta expect that, Danny.
This is a business!
You know, what you did, you don't do that.
Hell, I'd like to spend a day with my kid.
You know, I'm sure Mrs. Lyons here
would like to spend a day with her family,
but we don't do that.
I don't know, Danny. I really don't know.
Let me ask you something.
Who do you think ought to get the commission?
Hey, I spent three months setting up this deal.
Who signed it? Me. Who put it to bed? Me.
It always boils down to the same thing, Danny.
Business is a game of inches.
Fine, if you don't think I deserve it, I don't want it.
Hey, I didn't say that. Look, I want you to have it.
You know, when you started to work here,
I said to you, "Welcome aboard. "
And I meant it.
All I'm trying to do is, I'm just trying to show you a lesson.
DEBBIE: I'll be just a couple more minutes, Dan.
How did it go at work today?
I caught hell.
Oh, God, another smoker.
Look, would you mind?
I'm sorry. You're eating.
DEBBIE: I know what you mean. My boss is mad at me, too.
(LAUGHS) I bet he was.
There.
I just added another seven minutes to your life.
It's okay. I don't expect a thank you.
Thank you.
So, worried much about western civilization?
Not particularly. Not tonight.
It's collapsing. Or hadn't you noticed?
I live in a pretty good neighborhood.
Sorry I kept you waiting.
We've gotta go. Our movie starts in 10 minutes.
Okay.
Do you want to come with us?
Sure.
Well, just give me a minute to get ready.
So, tomorrow, are we going to the auto show or what?
I was thinking of calling Debbie.
Oh.
Seeing a lot of her, huh?
How many times you call her this week?
Twice.
Twice? You called her twice?
Dan, never call a broad more than once a week.
Never, ever, ever!
JOAN: Look, he forgets to call one day, it's no big deal.
Two days, it's an oversight.
Honey, he hasn't called you in three days.
He's sleeping with somebody else.
DEBBIE: Hey, it's a free country.
Well, if he gives you a hard time, all you have to do is just...
You know, I'll take care of Favio for you.
That's what's-her-name. Debbie.
Debbie, yeah.
Hi.
CARRIE: Well, we're sort of in the middle of an issue here.
PAT: Now, listen, all I'm saying is
if he's gonna sleep over three nights a week,
then he can pay half the rent.
Yeah, but if I ask him to pay half the rent,
then that's like asking him to move in with me.
All right, what is in it for you, Carrie?
I really don't get it.
PAT: Maybe she loves the guy.
Maybe I enjoy it.
Would you put up with a dog that
came home three nights a week?
I mean, what are we talking here?
Excuse me, guys, I'm gonna go make a phone call.
That was funny.
Hi. Hi.
Oh, God. I'm sorry. This is no good.
I'm sorry.
I don't think I can see you anymore.
And don't be offended because I like you. And you know I do.
I think you're terrific. It's just that...
Well, I'm...
I'm seeing someone else.
Who?
Nobody. I mean, you don't know him.
Okay.
Okay, if that's the way you want it.
See what happens when people don't say, "I love you"?
You know, sometimes you can be a real son of a bitch.
Come on. Come on, sweetie. Come on.
I thought we had something kind of special.
No. It was kind of sleazy.
And now it's kind of over.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
DAN NY: Just a minute.
Hi. Hi.
Are you okay? Is something the matter?
Nothing. Everything's great. I just was...
Bye. Wait a minute.
I... I just wanted to let you know I was fine, in case you're wondering.
And now I have, so good night.
I was going to call you, and I should have called.
Look, don't try to make me feel better, okay?
I mean, I don't care if you call me.
In fact, don't.
Look, just don't try to make me feel better, okay?
Look, you want to come in?
Dan, I may be easy, but I'm not stupid.
Just for a minute. I missed you.
Just for a minute.
No. Absolutely not.
(MOAN ING)
You're so good.
(CH UCKLING) Yeah.
You are. You're the best.
I bet you say that to all your guys.
Yep, and they believe it.
God, I love you...
I love making love with you.
I love making love with you, too.
Are you getting serious?
I mean, she seemed like a hell of a girl.
I mean, what little I saw of her.
You know, not too this, not too that.
Very kind of... What?
Well, what the fuck?
You know, I only saw her for a minute.
I mean, first impressions of this kind can often be misleading.
Does she give head?
What?
To you. I'm saying, does she give head to you?
Forget it.
Don't look at me like that.
Just get out of bed, you bum.
Debbie, I've been thinking.
For the last two months, you've been running around town
with your undies in a paper bag, and I...
I think maybe you ought to have a drawer over here.
A drawer? A whole drawer?
I don't know, Dan.
That's a pretty big step.
I think you better think about this.
Take the drawer.
Are you sure? You positive?
(LAUGHS) Come on.
Okay, maybe just like a little small one in the kitchen
next to the utensils or something.
Is that okay?
Stop it.
JOAN: Look at your divorce rate, Deborah.
Men and women are fighting for their lives, you know.
You know, the sexes relate in a very violent way. They do.
And we're the ones who end up giving up so much of ourselves.
God. We lose so much along the way.
Come on, disagree with me.
I disagree with you.
It is a dirty joke, Deborah, the whole godforsaken business.
I disagree with you.
You're right.
So, are you gonna drink that soda water or what?
Perhaps I could have it.
I'm moving in with Danny.
I give you two months.
Wait. Wait!
All right. And what in the hell do you think you're doing?
What?
Some of those are Joan's.
I'm sorry. Here, do you want to separate them?
Well, they're not going to separate themselves now, are they?
No, I don't suppose they are.
Here. Is this your Shostakovich?
It is Shos-ta-ko-vich. And it's mine.
Great. What are we going to do about the television set?
Why don't you keep it? I got a TV.
Good for you.
No, really, I insist on paying for at least half of it.
So why don't I write you a check?
That's fine. I'll just pick it up next week.
When? Can you come by, like, Tuesday night?
Can Debbie come by on Tuesday night?
That's funny. That's good.
Now if you could find it in your heart
to take this thing and shove it up your ass.
That is very telling.
I mean, on your instructions, I am supposed
to rend and torture myself anally.
Is that what you're into?
Does Deborah know about this?
Look, you're moving out, so move out.
She's moving out.
She's moving out. Well, move her out, then, and the hell with you!
I hope you'll be very happy.
JOAN: Excuse me.
(NA TURAL LOVE PLAYING)
You got it? Sure? I got it.
Okay. Fine.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
I got it. I got it. I know.
♪ It's a breeze if you please, a piece of cake
♪ Now, we got it made, no way to make it better
That's it.
♪ Got the heat and the heart and the harmony
♪ Not a doubt in the world, we were meant to be together
♪ I'll say we're on our way
♪ I knew it, nothing to it, we're so undeniable
♪ Sweet honey, we're on the money
♪ We got a natural love
♪ I'd never dream I'll ever think my heart is reliable
♪ We got it you can spot it, we got a natural love
Ooh!
♪ If you go with the flow and sail it through
♪ 'Cause we got the best and we'll give it to each other
♪ And it feels like a home that we just began
♪ Needed luck, even we love into one another
♪ I'll say we're here to stay
♪ I knew it, nothing to it we're so undeniable
♪ Sweet honey, we're on the money
♪ We got a natural love
♪ I'd never dream I'll ever think my heart is reliable
♪ We got it, you can spot it, we got a natural love
♪ I knew it, nothing to it, we're so undeniable
♪ Sweet honey, we're on the money
♪ We got a natural love
♪ I'd never dream I'll ever think my heart is reliable
♪ We got it, you can spot it, we got a natural love
♪ I knew it nothing to it... ♪
Do you want a cup of tea?
Tea? No, thanks. I'm a coffee drinker.
Come on, expand your horizons a little.
(PHON E RINGING)
I got it.
Hello. ALEX: Danny?
Hi, it's Alex.
Long time no see.
Yeah. Fine.
Is this a bad time?
No. No. No. I kind of met somebody.
So?
(LAUGHS) So...
Hey, listen, Dan.
You think my husband and kids are replicants?
Hey, sweetheart, you know, we all have to make sacrifices
in our personal relationships.
She's there.
Uh-huh.
Well, give her a kiss from me.
And, Dan, I'd like to leave you with one final bit of advice.
I'm in the book.
To tell you the truth, we're living together.
Yeah, and... Her name's Debbie.
Thank you. I'll tell her.
Same to you. Bye-bye.
Don't tell me. Your cousin?
Nah, that was my mom.
Mom disappointed you won't be sleeping with her anymore?
It was an old girlfriend.
But it's... I mean, it's history.
You heard me say it, right?
It's okay. I guess I'll just have to get used to it.
You know, what kind of tea is this?
'Cause it's actually pretty good.
I don't usually... What's going on here?
Do you not want me here?
Yeah, you're right. I don't.
I mean, we gave this our best shot, and it didn't work out.
But what the hell? We tried, right?
I mean, this is nuts.
I mean, we talked about this once
for what, 10 minutes in bed?
It's not all that complicated.
It's already different.
I mean, this changes everything.
Things are gonna change a little bit.
Look, we're not Siamese twins.
We're not gonna be fused at the hip.
We're not talking about marriage, are we?
No.
Well, then, all right.
Look, you're gonna have your life
and your friends. I'm gonna have...
You're always covered. You always have just the right thing to say.
What, do you think my responses are programed?
You think I'm a replicant?
Shit!
What do you think you're doing?
Give me that!
I'm sorry.
I made this in Girl Scouts.
It's nice.
It was for my hope chest.
Hey.
This is our place.
You're not an overnight guest anymore.
BERNIE: Danny. Danny. Heads up.
Who the hell is that?
That's Carmen. She works in shipping.
You see the look she just gave you?
You just know she's not wearing no underpants.
Here she comes. Hi. How are you?
Good to see you. This is Danny.
So, how's what's-her-name?
Debbie. Debbie.
She's great. Yeah?
What do you guys do?
What, go to the zoo? Go shopping?
You know, she looks very intellectual.
I mean, that's not always a bad thing.
No.
I mean, what the fuck? A guy wants to get it on with a broad
on a more or less stable basis, who's to say no, huh?
A lot of these broads, you know,
you just don't know. You know?
I mean, a young woman in today's society, by the time she's 22, 23,
you don't know where the fuck she's been.
That's your business, right?
Hey, hey, you guys. Go out, have lunch.
We're gonna make you a lot of money.
Danny, I almost forgot.
I want you to shit-can the Sparrow.
You mean the Swallow? Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Cut him off. No more credit. The guy's two months behind.
No. He's a good guy...
Danny, do me a favor, will you?
He's a loser. Cut him off!
WOMAN ON PA: David, pick up line two. It's your mother.
You know, for 600 bucks, I can have that guy put to sleep.
Please don't do this to me.
You're cutting my throat!
Christ, Danny, how many years do we go back, huh?
I always paid. I never crapped out on you.
I'll change the menu, Danny.
Look at me. Look me in the face, would you?
It was my dad's place.
Danny, I'm begging you.
In front of God, in front of the family, in front of my neighborhood,
I swear to you. Danny, please, don't do this to me!
I'm sorry, honey.
It's all right.
Is everything okay?
Sure.
Are you sure?
Sure.
Are you okay?
Sure.
Okay.
Dan?
Dan, you up?
Are you sleeping?
You asleep?
(SIGHS)
I can't sleep.
You sleeping? Did I wake you?
Dan?
Nose hair clippers.
I didn't...
...know what...
Nose hair.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't be...
I was snooping, and...
It's okay.
No, it's not right. It's wrong.
It's wrong that I don't know you very well.
I mean, I'm sneaking through your drawers
looking for pieces of I don't know what!
I'm sorry.
I just... This is wrong. Everything is wrong!
What? What's wrong?
I don't want to be your roommate anymore.
What?
I had a roommate.
I wanna be closer, you know?
I wanna be a couple.
And I want...
We can do that.
I thought you said...
I know what I said. I don't care what I said.
You know? I just want to know you better.
And when something's bothering you, I want to know about it.
You know? Because it's my problem, too.
We can do that.
I just don't want you to be unhappy.
I'm not unhappy.
I'm not.
(LIVING INSIDE MY HEART PLAYING)
♪ When the sun came up this morning
♪ And she smiled her smile for me
♪ I felt it for the first time
♪ Something deep inside of me
♪ So you can take your midnight ramblin' boys
♪ And you can keep your winding roads
♪ She's livin' inside my heart now
♪ Livin' inside
♪ Oh, there's an easiness about her
♪ There's a softness in her way
♪ But she gets me through the hard times
♪ We get closer everyday
♪ I know I'll never be alone now, boys
♪ 'Cause even if I'm far away
♪ She's livin' inside my heart now
♪ Livin' inside
♪ Yeah
♪ And I don't know what I did to deserve her
♪ But I'll tell you this, my friend
♪ I'm never gonna lose her
♪ Never gonna lose her
♪ 'Cause every night
♪ She's livin' inside my heart now
♪ Livin' inside
♪ Oh, livin' inside my heart now
♪ Yeah, livin' inside
♪ Inside my heart
♪ Oh, and I never believed
♪ How much can someone can come mean to me ♪
(SH USH ING)
DAN NY: I hope we didn't wake Mrs. Boelter.
We can hear her screaming at the dog.
I know she can hear us.
(DAN NY CH UCKLING)
DAN NY: Don't move.
What?
You look so good in that light.
What light?
The light coming through the window.
Get out of here.
God, you are so beautiful.
Danny.
You are.
I love you, Danny.
I love you, too.
Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan.
Who said it first?
I did.
Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan.
Was it before you came or after?
(SIGHS) Geez, that bathroom's so tiny.
Was he home?
What?
When you called. Was he home?
No. That's okay. It's sandwich night anyway.
Sandwich night?
Yeah.
Two nights a week, I cook.
Two nights a week, he cooks.
Two nights, we go out.
And then there's sandwich night.
You know, I bet your sex life is a real thrill.
I mean, two nights a week, you're on top.
Two nights a week, he's on top.
So what is it that you do on sandwich night?
So, is this guy gonna marry you or what?
Are you insane?
We don't talk about marriage.
I mean, we don't talk about next week.
We just don't talk about things.
There's just stuff like that. You know?
So, how about those Cubs, huh?
DAN NY: Hi, honey.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Is something wrong?
No, it's fine.
Don't worry. You're not a daddy.
I'm not? Was I?
No, no, no. I was late and I was worried,
so I just checked it out, and I'm not.
So relax.
I thought we were being really careful about this.
We were. I was. I am.
I was late and I was worried that I was pregnant.
But you're not.
No, I'm not.
Okay.
Great.
I'm sorry, honey.
It's no big deal.
You look sad.
I'm fine.
Were you disappointed?
No. No.
Honest to God, I didn't want to be pregnant.
I just, you know...
I was... I thought and...
Well, maybe I am a little.
You know what you are, Martin?
You're a 14-karat fuckup, that's what you are.
Something wrong?
Goddamn smart mouth. Jesus, you got a mouth!
You think people like that mouth?
You think customers like it?
Mr. Big Shot. How come you didn't
cut off that dump on Canal Street?
Swallow?
I say "dump," he immediately connects it with the Swallow.
You know what a swallow is?
Let me guess, it's a bird.
Yeah, it's a bird! A loser bird! A dodo!
Hey, that guy threw a hell of a lot of business our way.
That's ancient history!
I told you to freeze him up!
For Christ's sake, the guy has got a family.
I got a family! The whole country's full of families!
But business is business!
You cut the son of a bitch off!
Fuck you!
Fuck me? Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you, Martin!
Mr. Favio? Fuck you!
See you, boy.
Good morning, Officer.
Top of the morning to you.
Hi, there...
DEBBIE: Honey, I'll be home about 6:00.
And I'm gonna go by the store on my way home.
Would you like me to pick you up some beer or something?
Are you gonna be okay?
I hate that son of a bitch.
If you don't want to go back to work, don't go.
Honey, it's what I do.
I have spent my life stuffing
more unneeded restaurant supplies on the shelves
of more unneeded restaurants than any other salesman in Chicago.
I didn't finish college.
I don't have a million bucks.
What am I gonna do?
Three times I've heard you say that
you wanted to open up your own restaurant.
How? With what?
You could go to a bank.
Right.
You could.
Honey, it's complicated.
It's not that complicated,
and I'm making plenty of money to tide us over.
♪ Have you seen
♪ The monstrous monster ♪
I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help.
BERN IE: Hey.
Favio wants you back.
Did he say he was sorry?
What do you want, a fucking dozen roses?
I should have decked him.
You know, you're a lunatic.
You know that? Six more years,
you have profit sharing, you're rich,
you got Favio's job.
Yeah, and then I'm plugging Mrs. Lyons
and chewing the ass of guys like you and me.
Yeah, well, you didn't talk that shit three months ago.
Come on. What is it?
Is she pushing you to get out?
What?
What did you say?
I said, is she pushing you to get out?
Who? The permanent piece at home.
Bernie, don't start on her!
Job isn't good enough for her, huh?
What the fuck's your problem?
What the fuck's your problem, man?
You don't go here, you don't go there. You got no job!
You're as much fun as a stick.
I'd cut them off, but, hey, it's your decision, man.
I just wish you'd come back.
I miss you, man.
Hey, Dan!
Dan.
Listen, I know you done what you could, okay?
Thanks.
(DOOR CLOSES)
DEBBIE: Dan? In here.
Hi, honey.
Are you gonna go play basketball?
Yes.
Well, before you leave, can I show you this...
Honey, do you think you could clean up some of this shit?
Okay.
Did you get a turkey for tomorrow?
No, I got a ham.
You can't have a ham for Thanksgiving.
You gotta have a turkey.
Well, there's only two of us,
unless you wanna be having turkey sandwiches until Easter.
I told Bernie we'd have a turkey.
You asked Bernie?
Yeah, he's my friend.
Well, then I'll ask Joan.
Suit yourself.
No, I can't. It'll be a nightmare.
They'll be at each other's throats.
Then don't invite her.
No, I will. She's my friend.
Suit yourself.
Dan, I don't understand. Did I do something wrong?
(SIGHS) No, no.
I went back to work today with my goddamn tail between my legs.
Honey.
I'll leave you alone.
Thank you.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Look, I don't care what you did or who you were with,
or what the hell time you came in.
I would've just appreciated a phone call
and maybe a little help today.
Come on, I'm helping you.
And I'm hung way over. So shoot me.
Don't tempt me, please.
Besides, they're not gonna be able to eat all of this.
You shouldn't put yourself out on Bernie's account.
It's for Joan, too. My friend.
Could you please put the cranberry sauce in that dish?
All of these airs and graces are for Joan.
No, it's for both of them.
At least Joan's used to sitting down while she eats.
Yeah, yeah, she's a real lady, that one.
Look, you want me to make Bernie feel right at home?
I'll serve him a fistful of white bread and a hunk of Velveeta, okay?
Hey, he is a better human being than
that bitch on wheels you've got for a friend.
You know, she's been trying to sabotage us from day one.
And Bernie's been really full of comfort and support.
He hates my guts, and I'm busting my ass
cooking this seven-course meal for him.
I did all the hard stuff.
You did not!
I did, too.
Danny, please! You did not!
(LAUGHS) I did, too!
I made the mashed potatoes. I made the stuffing.
I did the salad. You cooked the turkey.
You son of a bitch!
I did all the shopping, all the preparation.
I mean, look at this goddamn spread!
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
(SIGHS)
Joanie! Hi.
God, she looks great.
And she baked us a pie. That's terrific.
Your vulgarian friend is downstairs
denting innocent people's fenders.
Yo, Litko!
(BU RPING)
Nice feed.
You know, Dan, you got a terrific little homemaker there.
You know that?
MALE COMMENTATOR: And there goes the gun
ending the first half of this...
Hey. Guess who's been asking about you down at shipping?
Carmen? Carmen.
Yeah, what did she say? Yeah.
Come on, man, I can't tell you.
You're practically a married man.
Come on, what did she say?
Basically, she has this desire
(SH USH ING) to grab your joint! She wants your...
Shut up. Touchdown!
Touchdown! No, no, no. Touch! Touchdown!
(YELLING CONTIN U ES)
Well, it's official. I've become my mother.
So, did he help at all?
Hardly. I hate this spoon.
So, let me tell you about Gary.
He's tall. He's nice to me.
He's intelligent,
and he doesn't make me sleep in the wet spot.
It's a trick. I bet he's a shit.
No, really, I think that he is truly concerned with my happiness.
Good. Then he'll be a big help next year
when we all come to your house for Thanksgiving.
Well, now, he's already asked me out for New Year's.
And did I mention that he is a lawyer?
Nothing.
I have to meet him at Yvette's in a half an hour,
so what do you say we smoke this now?
God, I haven't been stoned in ages.
He doesn't like to smoke.
That's probably why I haven't been stoned.
Good, Deb.
Do I seem different to you?
All I'm saying is that maid service
is not included in the package.
And if you want to put on this little domestic show in the future,
be ready to handle the weight, okay?
Okay? Okay.
I should have, but I didn't.
But I'm not always gonna do what you want, when you want,
according to your grand plan of the way things should be.
I don't have any grand plan.
Who invented sandwich night?
That has nothing to do with this.
All I'm asking for is a little help.
Yeah, because you tried to turn this nice dinner
into a goddamn Norman Rockwell painting.
Would you please not put this on the counter?
You see this black stuff?
This gets in the little cracks in the porcelain,
and then I get it on my fingers.
I'll make an effort.
And would you make an effort to please
put these wrappers in the trashcan?
Or why don't you just flush them?
What? Flush them!
You want me to waste eight gallons of water
so that you don't have to look at a piece of paper
with the word "Tampax" written on it?
You didn't even say "Tampax. "
You had to say "those wrappers. "
Does it offend you that much?
No, I just want you to hit the trashcan or the toilet, not the floor.
Fine. I'll work on my dunk shot.
What I'm trying to say to you is you don't need a lot of this shit.
I think you look pretty the way you are.
No. You look great just the way you are.
Some of us have to work at it.
Why do you wear all this stuff?
To impress your boss?
No.
You know that Bernie says Joan says you go out with him.
I used to go out with him.
It's no big secret, for God's sake.
It's no big secret? Then how come I didn't know about it?
Well, maybe you never asked.
Okay, I'm asking. Did you sleep with him?
No, Dan, we were bowling partners.
So you fucked him and you see him every goddamn day?
That's just fucking great!
Hey, you know that I'm not sleeping around!
And if that's what you wanna do,
then why don't you have the balls to just come out and say it?
Hey! Hey!
Where are you going?
I'm not staying here.
No, you stay here. I'll leave.
Don't be ridiculous. You live here.
We live here! We live here!
Debbie!
He is not worth it, you know?
I hate that number they play.
Establishing dominance?
(SIGHS)
I feel like a fire hydrant that's been pissed on.
Well, maybe it's job-related.
I mean, the man does sell toilet paper for a living.
Joan, please. Don't. All right, all right.
I just... I just don't know what I'm doing.
I feel like we're a couple of kids playing house.
I mean, what's it supposed to be like?
Look, holidays...
Holidays are hard on some guys.
That's not it. I used the big "L" word.
You see? You tell someone that you love them,
and all you get is a headache.
What's going on?
I have someone I want you to meet.
Deborah?
Yeah. Gary.
Pleased to meet you. Excuse the attire.
She's had a blowout with her boyfriend.
Oh.
Hey, guys can be real assholes sometimes.
Why don't you get a good night's sleep,
and it'll all get fixed up in the morning.
He'll come around.
And if he doesn't, you can always move back in here.
(MOUTH ING)
JOAN: "And then an angel of the Lord
"descended upon the Virgin Mary... "
What's "descended"?
Came down from out of the sky.
"And then an angel of the Lord
"descended upon the Virgin Mary... "
What's a virgin?
A virgin is someone who has never had sex.
What's sex?
Sex?
Sex is how men and women make babies.
Are you a virgin?
No.
So, you have a baby?
No.
Men and women who don't want babies also have sex.
What for?
For about 10 or 15 minutes.
"And then an angel of the Lord... "
And Santa Claus came down the chimney and...
Dan! Dan, hold on a second!
I'll be right back, all right?
Dan, Dan, come here.
I got this broad that's dying to meet you.
Come here, come here.
This is Carmen. This is Danny.
Hi, Danny. Hi.
Bernie says you might want to go out dancing later on. Like, what time?
I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to take a rain check tonight.
Wait, wait right here. Dan. Dan!
Come on, come dancing. Come dance,
and we'll go over to my place, have a little party.
Play "spin the pickle. " Come on.
Bernie, I can't. There's been tension at home.
I'm sorry about that, Dan.
But this Carmen's a sure thing.
She's hot, hot, hot.
She'll grab your joint on the dance floor.
Merry Christmas, Bernie.
Yeah. Merry Christmas, Danny.
Alan, my friend. Alan, how are you?
Merry Christmas to you, too.
Would you hold this for me, please?
I'll just set it on your desk. All right.
Thank you.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Hey there.
Don't you ever think about me anymore?
Sure.
What we had was pretty good, wasn't it?
Huh?
It was fine.
Do you remember last year's party,
what we did when we came in here?
Steve, don't. Just... Just turn on the light.
I had to stuff a mitten in your mouth to keep you from laughing.
God damn it, Steve!
What?
Look, there's somebody else now.
Well, you're not married. I don't see a ring.
I don't need a ring!
I don't need a ring, you asshole.
Look at me. Don't I look different?
I mean, I'm in love. Can't you tell?
I mean, this has never happened to me before.
I want to have 10 kids with this guy.
I mean, Jesus, doesn't it show?
Does he love you?
I don't know.
Thanks.
Good luck.
Here you go.
Hi, honey.
This is my boss, Steve. This is Dan.
Hey, come on, take it easy! Dan!
Take it easy. It's all right. It's all right.
(SIGHS) Take it easy.
(GROANS)
(DEBBIE AN D DAN NY EXCLAIMING)
This is great, hon. Lots of fun.
Here, let me get that for you.
Thank you.
You look very elegant in that suit.
Thank you. My girlfriend picked it out.
She did?
Yes.
To you, to me, to us, and to a happy new year.
Do you like it? Mmm-hmm.
I used pecans in the dressing.
Pecans.
(PHON E RINGING)
Hello?
Hello, Danny? This is Bernie.
Are you with your girl?
Get your ass down to Mother's now.
Bernie?
What's left of him. He's at Mother's.
Everybody's at Mother's.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
(ALL YELLING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Yo, Danny, over here!
Hey, Litko!
Danny, come here. Hey, man!
Happy New Year. I've been waiting for you.
Hi, Deb. Hi.
This is Crystal. I wanna show you
this bit that we've been doing.
Watch this. Bernie, no!
Come on, come on. I'm not gonna let go till you do it. Watch.
(SQU EAKING)
It gets old if you do it too much.
Yeah, yeah, right.
Debbie, this is Crystal. Crystal, this is Debbie.
Hi. Show her your tattoo.
Danny, come on, let's get a drink.
Okay, okay.
Okay, I'm gonna be the Refrigerator.
You be Payton.
Come on! Come on!
Danny, dance with me.
Hey, Deb!
You look great.
So do you.
Hi.
Yeah!
So, let's go.
What?
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
God, I bet you're terrific.
And I know I am.
You know, maybe someday we'll find out.
One, two, three. Drop it!
Okay, wait, wait, wait. Now! Now!
Hi.
Hi, good to see you again.
I've been waiting all night to see you.
How about now?
Right here? No.
Yeah, right here and now.
Well... Yeah, I...
Look, I couldn't tell you.
What?
I just couldn't tell you before.
Just one little kiss.
A New Year's kiss? One New Year's kiss?
Okay, one New Year's kiss.
JOAN: (YELLING) What?
GARY: Joan, please. Please. Now, calm down!
Joan, please! I care about you. Get away from me!
I don't wanna lose you! Let me get by!
Get away from me! Please, Joan. Listen...
You are a son of a bitch!
Joan, please! Joan, please.
Get away from me. You stay away from me.
Let me through! Joan.
(CRYING)
Joan. What's wrong?
What happened?
What the hell do you care?
I care a lot. I'm sorry.
I haven't been a very good friend lately.
Very perceptive.
What? Will you just let me in? Please...
Nothing! Will you just leave me alone?
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Just give us a minute, okay?
I am such a fool.
Tell me. Tell me what's going on.
I'm your best friend.
He's going back with his wife.
I didn't even know he was married.
Neither did I.
Come here.
Honey.
Go, go, go! Come on, chug it!
Chug it, Bernie! Chug, chug!
I can't drink any more champagne.
You win.
I won. I won. Danny!
I cannot...
Danny! Danny.
What? I'm gonna take Joan home.
It's almost midnight.
Look, she's really a mess.
She does this every goddamn time.
She falls apart, so you gotta take care of her.
Gary just dumped her.
Proving to herself, once again,
that all men are selfish bastards.
That's not fair.
Hey, that broad don't know thing one about keeping a guy happy.
I mean, I'm surprised the guy didn't leave skid marks.
Honey, why don't you put her in a cab?
Because it's New Year's Eve.
You know what? Give the cabbie 50 bucks
and maybe she'll get a New Year's pop.
Sometimes you're funny. Sometimes you're just slime!
Don't you see a pattern here?
She sets him up, she puts her hooks in him, and he tries for daylight,
and he's a bad guy, he's the asshole.
No. You're the asshole!
(MEN EXCLAIMING)
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Wait a minute. Danny, come here! Come back here!
Hey! Hey! What the hell was that all about back there?
Look, she's in trouble. She needs me.
What kind of answer is that? I need you.
For what? To help you have a good time?
A good time. When was the last time we had a good time?
Dan, just go back to your friends in the bar.
The hooks are out. You better run for daylight.
Come back! Debbie!
That's... That's great! Well, Happy New Year!
(DOOR LOCK RATTLING)
Dan? In here.
I'm sorry. It's just not working out, is it?
Here we go.
Just say it, Dan.
What?
Just say what you're gonna say.
I think one of us should move out.
I do, too.
I'm sorry.
What?
I said I'm sorry.
For what? What are you sorry for?
I'm sorry that it didn't work out.
I need some time.
What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
You know, you started out real strong,
and now you're finishing like a wimp.
Why didn't you just quit while you were ahead?
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do.
Good. Let's see your face on that one.
Do you mind?
Good. Because I think we've been in the dark long enough.
I know why I'm leaving.
What's your story? What killed it for you?
The radical change in your lifestyle?
Decided you wanted to travel light?
Come on, Debbie.
Or is it just that you were afraid
that somebody better might come along
and you would be stuck with me?
Look, why can't you just see this for what it is?
And what is it?
What it is. Nothing more, nothing less.
What, two people committed to screwing
until they get sick of each other?
That's so great. That's really special.
Look, I don't want marriage.
I don't want kids.
I don't want to be tied down.
I'm not happy.
I don't
love you anymore.
Fine.
I'm gone. It's done.
And you can go back to doing whatever you want to do,
with whoever you want to do it with,
in whatever orifice you want to do it in.
Hey, you leave here knowing one thing.
I never fooled around. Not once!
Well, let's just give the boy a medal.
Forgive me.
I didn't realize it was such a sacrifice!
Are you okay?
Can you make arrangements not to be here tomorrow
so that I can pick up the rest of my things?
God, honey, I hope you find him someday.
BERN IE: I told you you'd be back on your feet in a couple of weeks.
You know what? I like women.
Yeah.
I like all kinds of women.
(LAUGHS)
But I especially like women I don't know
very well! Very well!
He's back! He's happening!
Uh-oh.
(TOOTING)
(BERN IE LAUGH ING)
This... This is the place. This is the place.
Tonight we ride!
Bartender, a bottle of your best cognac
and fresh horses for the men!
(EXCLAIMING)
You know, I have a little confession to make.
Well, actually, when Ira first told me
that he was gonna be fixing me up with Joan's best friend,
well, I was a tad apprehensive. I mean...
You know how bloody awful these things can be, right?
Well, I was not the least bit prepared for her
to be such a charming and delightful creature.
Thank you. You're very sweet.
And that accent.
Couldn't you just listen to him all night long?
Colin's too bashful to mention it,
but he happens to be a wiz at card tricks.
God, Ira, don't put me on the spot like that.
Those are exquisite earrings you have there.
Where did this come from?
Did you know that was up there
when you left the house this evening?
I'm going home.
Good night, Danny. Good night.
♪ Good morning to you
♪ Good morning to you ♪
God. I had such a wonderful time last night, didn't you?
I knew you would. You were so good.
I've got breakfast in the oven.
I made a soufflé. I hope you like soufflés.
And I talked to my mother,
and she said that she would have us for dinner...
You know...
Are we doing it here because it's exotic,
or are you having your place bombed for roaches?
(SCOFFS)
Do you live around here?
Yeah? What do you say we go over there?
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Are you going in?
I really like you a lot.
I can't do this.
What?
I have my eyes closed, and I'm thinking you're somebody else.
I'm really sorry.
What am I gonna do?
Wait! You didn't close?
Is that what you're telling me?
You didn't close?
You leave a classy chick like that just hanging?
I don't know.
Tits and ass! Tits and ass! Tits and ass!
Tits and ass! Tits and ass!
Bloody blue, bloody blue, bloody blue, bloody blue.
Huh?
I don't know.
So don't know!
So, what, are you gonna sell your birthright for a little bit of puss?
Hey, you better back off!
Hey, I'm backed.
You back off 'cause she was the best thing that ever happened to me!
She was the best fuck you ever had, man!
And I fucked it completely! Why is that?
Because you're thinking with your dick! She was perfect!
No, I loved her! Perfect shit, man!
I love her! Don't you understand? I still love her!
Yeah, I understand.
I understand, Dan. I do.
You know, this babe last night, now,
you got her number or what?
Christ, you got problems.
Dan!
Dan! Don't ever lose your sense of humor, Dan!
Don't ever lose your sense of humor!
(PHON E RINGING)
Hello?
DANNY ON PHONE: Hey, stranger. How's it going?
Boy, we have a bad connection. I can barely hear you.
Maybe we better talk over lunch.
You're serious?
Yeah, I am. Can you hang on for a second?
I'm sorry.
(SIGHS)
I don't know what I was trying to figure out.
These last couple weeks have been miserable.
I can't stand going out. I can't stand being at home
because it reminds me of you.
I can't work.
Everything is falling apart, because I miss you.
I need to see you again.
All right. I'll send you a picture.
Debbie, please. Come on, I...
If you just give me one more chance...
Dan, I don't want you ever to bother me again, okay?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Nice legs.
Hey, are you sure you want to be here?
It's St. Patrick's Day.
So, guess who I bumped into at the supermarket?
St. Patrick?
I see we took our happy pill today.
Danny.
He said hello to me. Naturally, I ignored him.
So guess what he does?
He starts screaming at the top of his lungs, "Hello! Hello!"
Like a lunatic. I got the hell out of there.
I am sorry. That guy is a maniac.
You don't suppose that he was, like, hitting on me, do you?
No. I mean, to get back at you, that sort of thing.
Speak of the devil.
Would you stop following me around?
I don't wanna have to start drinking in the suburbs.
I love you.
Let's not get corny, please.
I love you.
I'm going home.
Deb. Wait.
(TH U N DER RUMBLING)
Just get away from me or I'm gonna call the cops!
I love you!
Five months we were together, and you couldn't say it!
So just knock it off!
I said it! I did say it!
Once. Once, but you didn't even mean it!
I did mean it! I love you!
It'll pass. No, it won't!
I miss you. I miss what we had.
We had nothing.
That's not true. It was the best.
We had nothing.
We had good sex.
Don't say that.
I love you.
Bullshit. You don't know what love is.
You've gotten everything that you've always wanted.
And now you feel sorry for yourself
because there's something you want, and you can't have it.
But you had it. I gave you love.
But you asked me to leave, and I left.
Debbie, let's talk about it.
Can't we have a cup of coffee?
Dan, it's taken me a long time to get over this.
And it was so hard, but I did it.
Please? Please?
Dan.
Get on with your life. It's over.
('TIL YOU LOVE SOMEBODY PLAYING)
♪ I've got an obsession
♪ Something I can't live without
♪ A private confession
♪ Nothing I can do about it
♪ Not a day goes by
♪ Not a single night
♪ You don't know what it's like
♪ Till you love somebody
♪ Till you need somebody
♪ Till you love somebody
♪ Well, maybe it's too much to handle
♪ Whatever is there
♪ But until you really love somebody
♪ You don't know how much you can stand
Mr. Martin, so nice of you to show up.
The prince of the plates is here, Litko.
Isn't that great? Welcome. How are you?
♪ Ooh, baby, till you love somebody
♪ Till you need somebody ♪
Hey, Vic, come on, guy, where are you going?
This is the way out. Come on.
We're gonna get you home, guy.
Stevie, get him a cab, huh?
Give me a gin and tonic.
Last call was a half-hour ago.
Give me a gin and tonic, or I will kill you.
Just one.
You know, I've been wanting to do this my whole life.
I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks, Mother.
To think I didn't think that you didn't
have a decent bone in your entire body.
Hey, you wanna leave my bone out of this?
You are a filthy scumbag.
Thank you.
And you dress for shit. Who dresses you in the morning?
Here you go, guys.
A toast to Danny and Debbie.
Well, they're better off anyway.
Fucking A.
I mean, she's happy, right?
Ecstatic.
Well, so is he.
I'll bet you she starts banging her boss again.
I bet he catches a disease.
You know what, Joan?
If you didn't have a pussy,
there'd be a bounty on your head. You know that?
And you are a psychopathic, schizophrenic, maladjusted, social misfit
who is clearly in the middle
of a very deep homosexual panic.
Yeah, yeah, right.
So, you want to dance or what?
♪ I've got an obsession
♪ I can only give my best
♪ With all of my being
♪ Don't know if I can love you less
♪ Not a day goes by
♪ Not a single night
♪ You don't know what it's like
♪ Till you love somebody
♪ Till you need somebody
♪ Till you love somebody
♪ Baby, till you want somebody ♪
Yo, check this.
I love it.
To you, this is culture. To me, it's soda pop.
BERN IE: You know, everyone said you were dead.
They said, "Dan is dead. "
I said, "No, no, no. He was my best friend.
"He would have called me for the funeral. "
Hello, Litko.
All right, shut up now. You cut the small talk, all right?
Now, I got a deal for you.
I got you here some tall fountain glasses.
Where did you find those?
You like that?
I got you matching banana boats.
And will you take a fucking look at this?
This shitload of Fiestaware, all yours,
with the low, low, low, low Litko discount.
Yeah. How much?
Yeah, I don't know. 100% off.
Bernie, I can't do it.
Hey, come on, 100% off.
I can't do any better than that. Take it or leave it.
Bernie, I can't.
I stole it.
You did not.
That's great, Dan. That's really great.
I tell you I'm a thief, and you call me a liar.
Nice guy.
What's this? Menu?
A pink menu? Pink?
Yo, Litko!
Hey!
Thanks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
$4.95 for a burger?
I can get a burger down the street for a buck and a half.
No parking.
Ain't gonna catch me around here.
Hey. Awnings. Nice touch, Danny.
The place ought to do okay.
You'll meet a nice girl, you'll settle down, you'll get married.
Then she'll divorce you and steal all your money.
JOAN: Listen to this.
"You learn from your mistakes.
"Man is the one animal that has that capacity. "
Right.
"And in the end, what do you have?
"You have your friends. "
I mean, it's not really therapy. It's like a workshop.
Come with me. No.
Don't you think that it's about time you tried helping yourself?
Look, this is not me helping myself.
This is you helping myself.
Deborah, this workshop was made for you.
I mean, just a simple weekend dealing with rage and anger.
With men and women sharing, working out their hate.
I'm sick of hating. Don't you understand?
I mean, God, Joan, I don't think I have any more hate left.
Yes, you do. You just don't know it.
Just wait a second. Come back here.
Let me tell you something about yourself.
You and this psychobabble brochure are just full of shit.
You knew that I was in love with Danny,
and you did everything in your power to break us up.
So don't you dare tell me about friendship!
I am such a bitch.
How do you put up with me?
If I didn't love you so much, I'd throw you out the window.
BERN IE: Will you look at the nips on this one?
DAN NY: Where?
T- shirt, blue shorts. Yeah.
Are you kidding me? Yeah.
Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, yeah.
Are you pulling my leg? Yeah.
That is a sensitive lady.
I think I can see her beaver.
No shit? Really?
I'm telling you. Get out of here.
I'm telling you, look. Get the fuck out of here.
See? See?
I can't make it out.
When she bends over. Top of her legs.
I know where it is. I just can't see it.
When the little flap goes up there.
You gotta look real close.
That pisses me off. That fucking pisses me off.
I mean, where does she get off with that noise?
I mean, coming to the ballpark,
bending all over the ballpark.
I mean, just flaunting her body.
I mean, what's a fellow supposed to think?
I mean, a fellow comes out here to play ball. Am I wrong?
I mean, we're talking about space.
Recreational fucking space!
(YELLING) Huh?
Feeling all right?
Well, how do I look? Do I look all right?
You look fine. Well, then let's assume I feel all right!
All right?
(SIGHS)
Will you look at those...
Shit. It's what's-her-name.
Just pretend you don't see her, that's all.
Don't look at her, man.
Deborah?
You dickhead, now she sees you...
Bernie, for Christ's sakes!
The way I see it,
either you can stay here and continue to blame me,
or you can go talk to him and only have yourself to blame.
Perfect.
Hey, guys. Hi.
Bernie, could you excuse us for a minute?
Sure. Go ahead.
Come on, man. What?
Come on, don't be a jerk your whole life.
What?
She said don't be an asshole your whole life.
Wait a minute. You're trying...
You want to talk. Go ahead. You guys talk.
You want a hot dog or something, Dan? No.
Deb, you want a nice hot Italian sausage, maybe?
Okay. Joke.
How have you been?
Great.
You... You look great.
Thanks. So do you.
I'm sorry things got so screwed up.
I'm sorry, too.
Well, that's really all I wanted to say.
We really ripped it to shreds, didn't we?
It wasn't that bad.
As bad as it got,
I really think that it was the best thing around.
I think that I thought that it should be
the way it was with my parents,
and I just wish I wouldn't have pushed.
You know, maybe if we had gone slower...
No, it was me. I...
I think I thought it was gonna be different than...
Than what it was really like. Me, too.
Maybe we were just too naive.
Yeah, maybe. Maybe we knew too much.
That, too.
But how can you be against freedom?
Freedom is good.
I mean, you gotta believe in something.
I just want you to know that when we were together,
I was really happy.
I gotta go.
Could we have dinner sometime?
Yeah, we could.
Actually, my roommate is going out of town for the weekend,
and I don't have any special plans for tonight, even.
If you happen to be in the neighborhood,
we could do Chinese or something.
I know a great new restaurant. I think you'd love it.
A new place? Yeah.
Let's just go to some old joint.
It's not. It's not new.
It's an old joint that's been...
So...
Let's just sit with this a while.
I'm gonna ride off into the sunset.
You mind if I watch?
I was hoping you would.
I can't believe we're doing this.
Why are we doing this?
Boy, she had a bug up her ass, huh?
What?
What, I'm gonna stick around all day
with that face, that attitude, huh?
You're not gonna be any good to the team. Why don't you just get lost?
Come on, go home.
Go on.
(IF ANYBODY HAD A HEART PLAYING)
Hi. Isn't this a coincidence, huh?
You know, I was thinking...
What?
♪ In this world of right and wrong
♪ The hardest part is beginning
♪ By the time you find where you belong
♪ You're either losing or winning
♪ Well, I don't know how
♪ But people seem to know
♪ When you want somebody bad enough
♪ Well, I want you now and wherever you go
♪ I'm gonna love ya till you've had enough 'cause
♪ If everyone had a heart
♪ Yours would never be broken
♪ If anybody had a heart like mine
♪ People treat you like the clothes you wear
♪ They only see what you show them
♪ Let them talk, baby, I don't care
♪ They don't know where we're goin'
♪ I love you so much
♪ And I have for so long
♪ How could anybody doubt it
♪ Oh, just one little touch
♪ This love is so strong
♪ Baby, how can we live without it
♪ If everyone had a heart
♪ Yours would never be broken
♪ If anybody had a heart like mine
♪ When you love somebody
♪ You may stumble you may fall
♪ But if you love somebody hard enough
♪ Maybe you can get it all
♪ If everyone had a heart
♪ Yours would never be broken
♪ If anybody had a heart... ♪