[theme music]
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
[gunshot, glass shattering]
[soft music]
Who are you?
Hold it, ski bum.
[silenced shot]
[loud gasping]
[chuckles]
REPORTER (ON VIDEO): 12 hours have
passed since the mayor's daughter
was first reported missing.
The police now believe she was kidnapped
or is just very good at hiding.
The abduction took place, and the mayor--
Now, talk, Chief.
One of our squad cars found this in a telephone booth.
An anonymous caller tipped us off to his location.
We have your daughter.
Pay us $1 million or we'll kill her.
Details later.
Have a nice day.
By the way, sir, your home security guard
is in critical condition.
The poor man, he was like an employee to me.
We're at the scene of a liquor store robbery
that was thwarted by the man beside me,
Inspector Sledge Hammer.
Inspector Hammer, tell us what happened.
Well, Miss, I was in this store
when two thugs entered and threatened
the owner with shotguns.
At that time, I drew my magnum and killed them both.
Then I bought some eggs and some milk
and some of those little cocktail weenies.
Inspector Hammer, was what you did in the store
absolutely necessary?
Oh, yes, I had no groceries at all.
[laughter]
This Sledge Hammer, who is he?
A menace.
He used to fire warning shots at jaywalkers.
Now, after this liquor store incident,
I placed him on a six-month's suspension with orders
not to leave his apartment.
Well, take him off suspension and put him on this case.
Mr. Mayor, rumor has it that this man talks to his gun
like it was a person.
This isn't open for discussion.
This is an order.
I want Sledge Hammer.
[intense tune]
[gunshots]
[phone rings]
[gunshots]
[PEOPLE CLATTERING, BANGING ON DOOR]
Yeah, hello. Hello.
Just hang on a second.
Hey, people, let's show some consideration and keep it down,
will you?
I'm on the phone, huh?
Hey, other people live here, all right?
Noisy neighbors.
OK, go ahead, speak to me.
You got it.
I'll be right down.
Did you hear that?
I'm off suspension.
Looks like they can't keep a good man down, huh?
Or me either.
[engine roaring]
[screeching]
Sledge Hammer.
All right, what's going on?
I gotta get to work.
I've got a sniper on that roof.
[loud crash]
Is the building evacuated?
Yeah.
We got vermin on the roof, but I got an idea.
Who are you talking to?
Nobody.
[gunshot]
OFFICER: Hammer, what are you doing?
You'll get killed.
[dramatic music, gunshots]
[loud explosion]
I think I got him.
[dramatic music]
Whoa.
What's the problem?
The lousy machine took my money.
Stand away from it.
No.
[gunshots]
Hammer!
In my office, right now.
What the hell did I tell you about firing
your gun inside, Hammer?
Oh, you said, don't-- don't do it.
You damn right I told you not to do it.
And take off those damn sunglasses
when I'm talking to you. - What sunglasses?
I said take them off.
You couldn't resist it, could you, Hammer?
You couldn't resist blowing up a building
on your way to work this morning, could you, Hammer?
Look, the only way to fight criminals is to be, you know,
wilder than they are.
[whistles, imitates blowing up]
I mean, that's my message.
I feel a migraine coming on.
There's a migraine here.
Captain, I feel that the reason
you keep getting these headaches is
that your neck is out of line.
What you need is a chiropractic adjustment.
[snapping, screaming]
You're sadistic, depraved, bloodthirsty, barbaric.
Is that why you called me in here,
to shower me with compliments?
No.
I suppose you heard what happened
to the mayor's daughter.
Nope.
She was kidnapped last night from the mayor's own home.
And you have been personally requested
to head up the investigation into the manner.
Requested, really?
By whom?
By me.
I'm impressed with the way you get results, Hammer.
Chief Reisner told me once you obtained information
from a suspect by tying him to the back of your car
and dragging him through half the city.
No, that's bunk.
Half the city?
No.
We never left the parking lot.
Chief, I find this man perfectly rational.
Anybody mind if I smoke?
Oh, you light a cigarette in front of me,
sir, you know what you get?
Oh, no.
A stick of gum.
The surgeon general has determined
that cigarette smoking is very bad for your health.
Why don't you just quit?
Pardon me.
Oh, Detective, please, come in.
Gentlemen, meet Detective Dori Doreau.
There is no one more knowledgeable in her field.
What's that, arranging things in alphabetical order?
TRUNK: Hammer, I'm warning you.
It's all right, Captain.
My background in terrorist psychology and defense tactics
should hold its own against any joke.
[laughter]
The voice of the man who called with the ransom note tip
was put on tape.
The voice belongs to the leader of a clandestine terrorist
group known as the A-V-O-N.
Avon?
Ding dong.
The Allied Violent Offense Network.
Could we kill the lights, please?
Keep that gun in your holster, Hammer.
This is the symbol of the organization.
I feel it speaks for itself.
This is the leader of the group, Weird Williard Luxley.
Luxley's family was so certain their son would turn out rotten,
they put him up for adoption three years before he was born.
This is Feliz Navidad, a fiery Latin revolutionary
who illegally entered this country
by posing as Julio Iglesias.
Lastly, we have former member, Kurt
Kruggle, a despicable pervert.
First arrested five years ago for making
love to a fire hydrant.
An additional charge was brought against Kruggle for parking
in front of it.
Could we have the lights, please?
Well, I've heard enough.
I'll just find Kruggle and torture him
and get him to tell me where the other scum suckers are hiding.
I don't care what methods you use, Hammer.
Just bring back my daughter.
I will, sir, dead or alive.
But the point is to bring her back alive, Hammer.
All right, no.
Alive, of course.
I don't why I'd say dead. No, no.
I don't know where my head's at.
Sledge, it's my idea that you and Doreau would
sort of team up on this case.
She's a woman, sir.
She's a-- look at her.
She's a woman, sir.
She's clearly a woman, right?
With all due respect, look, I'm not
going to partner with a woman.
You will partner with Pia Zadora
if the chief asked you to.
Do you understand that?
The only partner I need is my amigo right here.
I told you to put that--
[yelling]
Sorry, Captain.
That was reflex. - Reflex?
Reflex?
I kill you.
Come on, lady.
That man makes Rambo look like Pee-wee Herman.
[laughter]
Well, I take it you're driving.
We better start searching for Kruggle.
All right, look, lady, as long as we're stuck together, let's
get one thing straight, all right?
I'm the guy, all right?
I'm the man.
I'm the guy, and I call the shots.
Got it?
I call the shots, and I fire the shots, comprehendo?
Look, why don't you just drop this adolescent macho cop
act of yours?
It's humanly impossible for anyone
to be as nihilistic as you're pretending to be.
[screaming]
WOMAN: Stop it.
Stop it. - What?
[screaming]
Stop.
[loud bang]
Freeze, Pizzaface.
There you are, ma'am. You all right?
Oh, thank you.
It's not dirty.
This kind of stuff shouldn't happen, should it?
Bye-bye.
All right, stand up, Rag Weed.
Pronto.
Hammer, what are you doing?
I'm going to teach this little genetic mistake a lesson.
We're in front of City Hall.
You want to be taken in for police brutality?
All right, all right, I'm not even
going to touch the sea urchin.
Stand back, Doreau.
So, Big Shot, time to pick on somebody your own size.
Punch yourself in the mouth.
What?
You heard me.
Punch yourself in the mouth, right now.
It's an order.
Oh, come on, harder than that, otherwise, I'm going to do it,
I'm telling you.
[blow lands]
All right, that was nice.
Now, slug yourself in the stomach.
[grunting]
All right, look, I'm running out of time.
Just finish yourself off.
[gun cocks]
[blows landing]
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
All right, Doreau, let's scour the seamy side of this city
and find ourselves a sleaze ball by the name of Kruggle.
I recommend you invest in capping industrial.
[light music]
You sure he's here?
That's his license. That's his van.
Girls wait in the car.
Yeah, I'm with you.
Look, you're going to get me killed, aren't you?
Look, Hammer, I'm a cop, not some schoolmarm.
Go away, go away, go away.
All right, just make sure nobody comes in behind me, all right?
[yelling]
[women gasping]
OK, ladies, wait in the john.
They don't speak English.
[non-english]
You spoke perfect Swedish.
Those are the only words I know.
All right, look, I'm a cop.
My name is Sledge Hammer.
Sledge Hammer?
[coughs]
All right, come on, I'm taking you in for questioning.
Wait, come on, I got to put some clothes on first.
Well, go ahead and do it.
Could you turn around, please?
I'm modest.
[laughter]
OK, I'm decent now, you stinking cop.
Always keep a gun on you when you're getting a massage?
How else does a creep like me going to get
a woman to even give him one?
All right, drop the piece, eh?
Slowly.
[chuckles]
[gunshots]
I heard a shot.
[blows landing]
Doreau, that was excessively violent
and completely unnecessary.
I loved it.
It was poetry in motion.
Thank you.
I was top of my class in hand-to-hand combat.
I'd like to fight you sometime, Doreau.
You're on.
So who do you think the cowboy is?
Oh, he's the manager, good friend of mine.
Let's get out of here before he wakes up.
OK, I have access to all the names and salaries of everyone
on the mayor's payroll.
Why are you so prejudiced against computers?
That's how I met my wife, in a computer dating service.
You're married, Hammer?
Was married.
Nah, she ran off about three years ago.
Ran off with some geek member of the Peace Corps,
said he was more sensitive than me.
Can you believe that?
Oh, my god.
Well, you know, some women just can't
take being married to a cop.
I don't know.
I guess some women just can't take being married to a cop.
She was always accusing me of bringing my work home with me,
you know?
She just didn't understand, you know?
You don't leave it at the office.
I'm a cop.
All the other cops are wusses, except me.
I can't let my guard down for one minute.
Hammer, you just did.
All right, punch up the mayor's personal finances,
will you?
I'll bet the perpetrator is a member of his immediate family.
Well, that only leaves the mayor's
wife, which is highly unlikely.
She's one of the most respected women in the city.
Look at this.
Mrs. Flambo supports every worthy charity in existence.
Yeah.
All except my favorite one.
What's that?
Toy guns for Tots.
TRUNK: Hammer!
Hammer!
You did it again, Hammer.
Kurt Kruggle is filing a complaint against you
as we speak right now, Hammer.
Captain Trunk, Hammer has managed
to obtain vital information.
Shut up, Doreau.
You keep defending this buffoon's actions,
and you're going to be in hot water, too.
[laughter]
Well, the traitor is the wife.
What, Mrs. Flambo?
That's right, the wife kidnapped
her own innocent daughter.
I'm going to go have a chat with her.
Look, Hammer, I totally disagree with this theory,
but as your partner, I'm prepared to back you up 100%.
Let me go with you.
I'm just going to make a few calls.
I like her.
MAN: Who are you talking to?
Oh, I'm just--
[stutters]
My wife?
That's absurd.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Sorry about the handcuffs, sir, but she resisted arrest.
She's quite a fighter.
Well, I guess you know that.
Janice.
Take it off.
Jack, you would not believe the indignity
I've been put through.
[screaming]
I hate to say it, sir, but your wife
is a lying, scheming, deceitful, no good piece of white trash.
Oh, I've known that for years.
But she had nothing to do with the kidnapping.
Chief, put this numbskull back on suspension
for the rest of his life.
Now, wait, I don't understand.
I've just had a call from the kidnappers.
A-ha.
I have no course now, but to capitulate, thanks to you.
Doreau, I want you to deliver the ransom to them.
Wait a minute, whoever that messenger is,
is probably going to get killed.
Let me do it.
That sounds like a terrific idea.
No.
The last thing I need in my hands now is a shootout.
Now, get out.
Be careful, Doreau.
I will, Hammer.
[laughter]
Hello?
[eerie tune]
Anybody here?
[loud bang]
Step forward, slowly.
So they sent us a little lady, and a foxy one at that, too.
[chuckles evilly]
Hand over the money, Tramp.
Not until I see that Francine Flambo is safe.
Police. WOMAN: Yeah.
Come on.
[moaning]
How are you doing, Francine?
I haven't eaten in a day and a half, and I
missed last night's "Dynasty."
[chuckles]
Police person is clean.
You can drop the victimized society girl routine.
You're an accomplice in your own abduction.
WILLIARD LUXLEY: Just what are you talking about, Pig?
Financial records gave me the name
of the college that Francine attended four years ago.
You attended at the exact same time, Luxley.
My hunch is that you two know each other and are an item.
I applaud your ingenuity.
See, I loathe my father, and now, I'll
escape from under his fascist thumb, along with my lover,
my comrades, and $1 million.
Perfect plan, Francine.
And once we're safely away, I'll kill you myself.
You'd kill me for a briefcase full of shredded paper?
[clatters]
There's nothing but confetti in here.
[glass shattering]
Surprise.
Party's over, Crumb Cakes.
And just who are you, man?
Yes, sucker.
And why are you smiling?
Why?
Because I'm trigger happy, that's why.
You're dead, man.
You may be right.
All right, let's get this over with.
I got an aerobics class in the morning.
[gunshot]
You just ruined my best sports jacket.
Now, I'm really mad.
[gunshot]
[dramatic music, gunshots]
You know, I almost forgot I had a grenade in my pocket.
Lucky this jacket didn't go to the cleaners.
[intense tune]
[clanging]
[loud bang]
Three down, one to go.
[men groaning]
You deserve a good spanking, girlie.
Drop the gun or this broad gets it.
Please, be my guest.
Go ahead, kill her.
And then I'll just go ahead and kill you.
She's serious, Hammer.
I'm sure she is, Dori.
And as a policewoman, I know you're prepared to die
in the line of duty.
All right, stud, it's just you and me.
Now, drop the gun this instant.
I know you'd never shoot at a woman.
[gunshot]
[whimpers]
Sorry, Francine.
Call me a feminist.
Does that hurt?
Anytime a really nice sports jacket gets ruined, it hurts.
Thank goodness you followed me here.
No, don't thank goodness.
Thank gun.
Thanks, Sledge.
Enough warmth.
[laughter]
My own daughter, just like her mother, an idiot.
Nevertheless, Doreau, congratulations
on a job well done.
Thank you, sir, but I can't take all the credit myself.
Yeah, you can.
Detective Doreau, in a few moments,
it'll be my great pleasure to present
you with a full promotion.
That's not fair.
Oh, stop worrying about Hammer.
Concern yourself with your own career.
Thank you, sir.
I respectfully decline the promotion.
What?
Am I hearing correctly?
[gunshot]
Seems like you're hearing pretty well.
Let's go, partner.
Doreau, you're off your rocker.
True, but I know what I'm doing.
[light music]
[laughter]
[theme music]