(car horn)
(knock at door)
Gilbert, you'd better get up. They're here.
- I'm up. - You OK?
- Yeah. - You sure?
Sure I'm sure.
- You remember the first time you left home? - Yes.
And I was just as scared as you are.
I'm not scared. I just don't like the idea of leaving you here all alone.
Oh, I'll be fine. I was fine when you went away to computer camp.
Mom, that was just for two weeks.
I can take care of myself. I'm much more worried about you.
I'm gonna be just fine. Anyways, I'm not gonna be alone. I got Lewis.
Gilbert? Come on, rise and shine.
Dad's waiting outside in the car. It's all packed.
Hi, Flo. It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
It's gonna be a great year. Now, I figure with lunch and two ARVs,
we should be on the road approximately 7 hours, 18 minutes and 7 seconds.
- ARVs? - Average restroom visits.
(laughter)
Oh, I'm so proud of you two boys.
Come on, Gilbert. Let's go to college.
(braying laugh)
Hey, Lewis, what time you got? I'm tryin' to work out our exact ETA.
I got two thirty-seven. Dad, how fast are we going?
I've got the old cruise control set at 35.
Adams College, home of the Atoms.
Gilbert, this is gonna be really neat.
I sure hope so. What if it isn't, huh?
Don't be so negative. We'll have the time of our lives.
I'm not being negative. I'm being nervous.
Don't be, cos everything's gonna be great.
- Just like high school, right? - This is college.
Remember, there are 6,127 students at Adams.
- 58 per cent of which are girls. - So?
So that's 7,107.32 boobs.
(braying laughter)
You college guys are all alike. All you really care about is gettin' laid.
- I wish I was goin' with you. - (braying laugh)
Dad!
(Lewis) Wow! This campus is awesome.
It's a lot bigger than I expected. Maybe we should have just gone to City Tech, huh?
Tech's nothin'. You know Adams has got the best computer department in the country.
Yeah, you're right. Adams is the best.
(Mr Skolnick) Well, boys... I mean "men"...here we are.
What an opportunity for you guys. You're both gonna do great.
I'm proud of you. Your father would have been proud of you, too, Gilbert.
I know, Mr Skolnick. Don't tell my mother I was nervous. I wouldn't want her to worry.
- Of course not. Don't sweat it. - Thanks.
(cycle bell rings)
Hey, Lewis, come here. Sit down.
I envy you, Lewis.
This is one of the finest institutions in the country.
You're gonna do fantastic here.
Try not to break too many hearts.
That hasn't been a real problem yet.
Come on, you're gonna make some lucky girl very happy.
You're smart, easy-going.
Got your father's good looks.
(braying laughter)
And you got a great sense of humour. I really believe in you, son.
- Thanks, Dad. I won't let you down. - I know.
Gilbert, help me with the trunk.
- Uh, Gilbert? - Yes, sir?
College isn't like high school.
You'll be on your own. I want you to take care of yourself.
I will. Anyway, I won't be alone. I got Lewis.
Besides, we're college men now, right?
- Right. - Ow.
It's easier gettin' it down.
Hold it, guys. This is an historic moment.
All right, say "cheese".
(both) Cheese!
Got it.
Bye, Dad.
Bye. Thanks for the ride.
(passers-by laugh)
- You OK? - Yeah.
- (Gilbert) Bye, Mr Skolnick! - (Lewis) Drive careful, Dad.
(girl) Watch out!
- Sorry. - Excuse us.
You know, Gilbert, I feel different already.
Like... more mature.
Looks like we're in for quite a change.
I'll say. Parties, meeting new people. This is really gonna be great.
- I don't know. - Just relax. Be yourself.
Like Davy Crockett always said - be sure you're right, then go ahead.
(all chant) Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!
- Anyway, college is a whole new ball game. - Nerds!
- People judge you different than in school. - Nerds!
Nerds!
- Where are they? - I think they're talking about us.
- No way. - Nerds!
- Nerds! Nerds! - (all chant) Nerds! Nerds!
Come on, Lewis, let's go.
(chanting continues)
(? "Are You Ready" by Ya-Ya)
(man) Ogre!
Fill her up, baby!
All right!
OK, everybody, listen up! It's time for stair diving!
- Well, Gilbert, here's our new home. - Can't believe we finally made it.
Lewis, if you don't want the bed by the window, I'll take it.
- You got it. - Thanks.
- You know, this is really a great room. - Yep. Definite possibilities.
Do you think they'd let us put in a little refrigerator for snacks?
Are you kiddin', Gilbert? We can put a fridge and a microwave right there.
That'd be a good place for an entertainment centre, too.
Great.
That's just the beginning. We'll have the best dorm room on campus.
I don't know about the best. It'll be the messiest.
Relax, Gilbert. Remember, we got it covered.
This robot will be better than a maid.
It'll help with the women, too.
- Women? - Yeah.
Let's say one of us is up here with a woman.
This'll be our warning device, so we don't walk in on each other.
Wait a minute. We're allowed to have girls in our dorm room?
Not girls, Gil. Women. We're college men now.
- Isn't college great? - It's gonna be a great year.
(? "Burning Down The House" by Talking Heads)
C'mon, Betty. Show me what you got.
Gable, check this out. Check this out. This is outrageous.
- What is it? - Just try it.
Oh! You OK?
- Jeez, Burke! What is this? - 188 proof.
It's called a fireball, man. Watch. Take that. Flame on, buddy. Flame on!
Yeah! Can you do it again? Do it again.
(they chant) Fireball. Fireball. Fireball. Fireball.
One more! One more! One more! Fireball.
(they chant) Fireball! Fireball! Fireball! Fireball!
(all) Oh, shit!
(all)? Our house, our house is burning down
? Our house, our house, our house is burning down
- It must have been the wiring. - That isn't what the fire department thinks.
Dean, if my boys say it was the wiring, you gotta believe them.
Dean, school ought to be more careful.
We got a big game comin' up. I don't want my boys worried about where they're gonna live.
They should have thought of that before they burnt their house down.
What's done is done. Where am I gonna put my athletes?
- The freshman dorm? - What about the students there now?
All right. Thanks to faulty wiring, we have no place to live. Right?
- (jocks) Right! - These freshmen are sittin' pretty in there!
- So as of now, that dorm is ours! Right? - Yeah!
Any room you want. Ready? Break!
Don't come back!
There's your roommate, pal!
If everyone follows directions,
we can manage this move with as little inconvenience as possible.
All right, men. I want everybody to listen up. We're movin' out, and I mean now!
Move it! Move it! Move, move, move!
(jock) Get outta here!
(whistle)
All right, listen up. I'm gonna see to it that each and every one of you is taken care of.
You will be provided with the best possible food, shelter and accommodation.
(laughter)
- We will try to provide you... - Now let's move it out!
Move it! Move, move, move! Move it!
(jocks jeer)
Move it!
Get outta here!
(all chant) Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
(chanting continues)
(Dean) I know this move has been sudden for all of you,
and you're probably all still very disoriented.
I do want to assure you that this move is in no way permanent. It's only temporary.
As you see, we've provided accommodations for you that are... quite acceptable.
It'll be a nice place for you to enjoy your studies.
(boy) I don't even wanna go to college.
You have a special gift. You need college to develop it.
I wanna be with people my own age.
You will be with people your own age when you're older.
But you can't drop me off in a gymnasium. It looks like we're refugees from a war.
We gotta go now, honey. Your dad has an appointment.
Bye, son.
(Dean) It is really very comfortable here.
Is there anyone here with allergies?
Me too. Uh, for those of you who do have allergies,
you can request a foam rubber pillow.
Also, there's a television for your viewing pleasure.
It is a black and white television.
More good news. Because of the housing situation,
we are allowing the freshman class to join and live in fraternities.
(all) Yeah!
The fraternities will select their members tomorrow.
(whistle)
All right! Enough of this social bullshit. Grab a cot.
Move it or lose it!
(coach) Go, son.
Move!
Move, move, move, move, move!
(Dean on PA) And the Delta Kappa Gamma fraternity has selected as its new members
Oliver Scott and Bill Daniels.
(Dean) For those of you who weren't selected by any fraternities,
you won't be left out in the cold.
You can stay here in the gym for as long as you like.
Or at least until basketball season.
Please answer when I call out your names.
Poindexter, Arnold.
Latrelle, Lamar.
(effeminately) Lamar Latrelle.
Wormser, Harold.
Present.
Takashi, Toshiro.
Ah, here, sir.
Dawson, Dudley.
Call me "Booger".
All right... Booger.
Rakhim, Raj.
Ah, excuse, please, but why do they call you "Booger"?
I don't know.
Posquito, Lawrence.
Daniels, Paul.
I knew nobody'd pick us, Lewis.
Gilbert, it's probably not over yet. There's a fraternity for us.
(Dean) Dooley, Edward.
Yozonski, Yosef.
- Wait a second. Are you sure about this? - Gilbert, yes. Come on.
(Lewis) Hi, girls.
Are you guys looking to join a sorority?
A sorority?
No!
We need some help. We figured pretty girls like you might be able to suggest a fraternity.
Choosing the right fraternity can be one of the most important decisions in a man's life.
- For sure. - Guys like you have to choose very carefully.
- Definitely. - Tell us what frat do you think is us.
- You guys are Alpha Betas all the way. - Totally. For sure.
What? Wait. Aren't Alpha Betas, like, all jocks and face men?
Yes. But you guys have got that certain something I know they'd be interested in.
- I'll tell 'em you're coming. - Should we ask for a particular Alpha Beta?
- Stan Gable. - And you're?
Betty Childs.
Thank you, Betty. Ms Childs.
Maybe if you're not busy sometime we could have a cup of coffee or somethin'.
Come on, pal.
(Gilbert) I can't believe you asked her out.
(Lewis) You know, Gilbert, if we get in, maybe we can have our old room back.
- (Gilbert) These guys will never accept us. - Why wouldn't they?
These are the Alpha Betas. They're the football players.
I don't think Ms Childs would have sent us over here
if she didn't think we had a decent chance of getting in.
(door creaks)
- (eerily) Yes? - Hi.
Tell Stan Gable that we're the guys that Betty Childs sent over.
Follow me, boys.
(door creaks)
Gilbert!
(solemnly) Welcome.
(both) Hi.
(Stan) Hey!
You guys seem pretty cool. Take these for later.
Rubbers? What do we need rubbers for?
(sheep bleats)
(Stan) Let the initiation begin.
(jock) Have you ever made love to a woman?
- Yes. - No.
- Yes.
(jocks) Liars!
(TV) All right, let's go for the burn.
(horrible tuneless scraping)
- OK, Takashi, whaddaya got? - Oh, I think I have a frush.
- What the fuck is a "frush"? - A frush.
I got two sevens, and two sevens beats a frush.
Oh, thank you.
(tuneless violin playing continues)
- Oh! - Jesus.
(violin stops)
So, getting into a fraternity can be the most important thing in a man's life, huh?
You know, that cheerleader set us up, Lewis.
I really don't think Betty Childs is that kind of person, Gilbert.
Hey, Lewis?
What is it, Gilbert?
I'm really sorry that I snapped at you. This gym's really gettin' to me.
It's OK. I understand.
Tomorrow morning we'll find a better place to live, OK?
- Good night, Gilbert. - Good night, Lewis.
- Good night, Lamar. - Good night, Wormser.
- Good night, Takashi. - Good night, Poindexter.
- Good night, Booger. - (loud belch)
(all laugh)
(thud)
Hey, take it easy. The computer's your friend.
I wasn't meant to interface with a machine.
Well, you're just beginning. Relax.
It's no use. It's inhuman.
It's not inhuman. Only humans can be inhuman.
Here, let me show you.
Working with a computer's great.
I mean, it's godlike, in a way,
cos you can have complete control.
- That's good. - Thanks.
You know, some people, they can create with their hands.
But when you're working with a computer, you gotta build something with your mind.
If you're good, you can do somethin' no one's ever seen before.
It's a definite high.
Uh... what's your name?
- Judy. - Hi, Judy. Gilbert.
- (Judy) Very nice to meet you. - Nice meeting you.
- Hello, Lewis. - Hi, Gilbert.
- Did you find a house? - No.
I met a girl.
Gilbert!
- Her name's Judy. - Judy's a nice name, Gilbert.
- Yeah. She's a nice girl. - Big deal. Did you get in her pants?
- She's not that kind of a girl. - Why? Does she have a penis?
You gonna eat this?
- Smell this one, nerd. - Oh, Coach, Coach.
I got to find a place to live. Is OK I leave early?
No.
Oh, OK.
- You know karate? - No.
Good.
I've programmed him with all the rental units in the area.
For optimum efficiency, I've assigned each of you a part of the list.
This'll prevent doubling up. We'll be able to blanket the area in no time.
Booger.
Wormser.
Toshiro.
(speaks Japanese)
(replies in Japanese)
Nerd!
- Hi. - All right?
- Mr Wilson? - Yeah.
Just checking.
(woman) Hi there, big boy.
Hi. I came about the room for rent.
It's right next to mine. It'll be perfect for us.
(buzzer)
(man) Who's there? What do you want?
- Is this the Stewart residence? - Why are you here? What do you want?
- I've come about the room. - Go away.
- Do you have a room to rent? - Not for rent.
- I thought it was for rent. - Fuck off.
- Hi, Judy. - Hi, Gilbert.
- How are you? - Fine. Where are you going?
I gotta go find a place to live.
- It's horrible you having to live in the gym. - Oh, yeah, well...
- What is that? Is that yours? - It's my accordion.
- You play the accordion? - Yeah.
- I love the accordion. - Really?
- Are you very good, or? - No, not really.
I'm on my way to class. Do you wanna walk with me?
Yeah, sure. Oh, no. Here, let me get it.
- I think I found a house. - (nerds cheer)
(Booger) About fuckin' time!
Isn't it fantastic?
(? "One Foot In Front Of The Other" by Bone Symphony)
(imitates Dracula) Welcome.
- Are you feeling anything yet, Takashi? - Oh, Booger, I feel nothing.
You better have another hit.
Oh, this counter. Could be good.
Agh!
- Feeling anything now? - Oh, no.
I feeling... nothing... at all.
How about now?
I can't believe what they've done to that house.
That's amazing.
- Looks terrific, doesn't it, Stan? - Yeah, well, it won't look terrific for long.
What are you lookin' at, nerd? Huh?
I thought I was looking at my mother's old douche bag, but that's in Ohio.
Seven and eight. And stretch those arms.
Come on. Looks great. Come on, Wormser.
- Morning, Poindexter. - Uh.
Agh! Excuse me.
Ah, thank you very much.
OK, Takashi, show me your cards.
OK. Two and four kings. That's good, yes?
No, you got too many kings. So you gotta get rid of these here.
Take three of these kings out, and replace them with... three fresh cards.
Oh, OK. Thank you.
- (Toshiro) When do I deal? - (Booger) You gotta win a hand first.
I told you we'd find a better place.
Yeah. This is way better than the dorm.
(motorcycle drives away)
It says "Nerds get out."
What is a nerd?
We are.
I don't know what this world is comin' to. You see that man over there?
We arrested him for mopery.
- What's mopery? - Exposing yourself to a blind person.
I'm sorry about your windows, fellas. It's out of my jurisdiction.
Sounds like a fraternity prank. There's only one organisation that can handle this.
What organisation is that?
The Greek Council.
(Dean) Our next order of business: New membership.
Earl, show the petitioners in, please.
(sniggering)
Shh!
Kneel, gentlemen.
You are the gentlemen who wish to form a fraternity?
(nerds) Yes, sir.
Gentlemen, as president of the Greek Council,
I'm sorry to inform you that your membership has been denied.
Excuse me, but... why?
According to our charter, you must have a national fraternity as your sponsor.
Do you have one?
(all) No.
- I'm afraid he's right. - But with a national sponsor, we're in, right?
Right, right. So I guess we'll see you in about, say... 20 years.
(laughter)
(tuneless scraping)
"Dear sirs, thank you for applying to Delta Kappa Gamma."
"We have gone over your application, and it wasn't even close."
"In the future, we recommend that you not include a group photo."
That's 29 rejections so far. Did we send pictures to everybody?
Yeah. Everybody except for... Lambda Lambda Lambda.
Here's one that will see us.
(all) Lambda Lambda Lambda?
Yeah. They're gonna love us.
As you know, we have no chapter at Adams College,
which is why we agreed to see you.
But I must tell you, gentlemen, you have very little chance of becoming Tri-Lambdas.
I'm in a difficult situation here.
I mean, after all...
you're nerds.
According to your bylaws, you have to take us on a 60-day trial basis.
- I beg your pardon? - According to your bylaws...
He's right, UN. Any group that petitions can become a probationary Tri-Lamb chapter.
May I see that, please?
Thank you.
Well, gentlemen... you are now probationary Tri-Lambs.
- Hey. - Great, UN. Why don't we have a party?
You can celebrate with us and observe us to make sure we're Tri-Lamb material, OK?
- Great. - We won't let you down.
We'll have the highest grade-point average of any chapter you've got.
We certainly won't discriminate. Our chapter will be open to people of all races and creeds.
And sexual orientation.
Wonderful.
(door bell)
Hi. Remember me?
- No. - Well, we're having a party Saturday night.
Would you like to come?
- No. - Oh, well...
(girls'laughter)
Come on, get it up! Get it up! C'mon!
You're shit! You're nothin'! You're scum! You suck!
- You're nice! - No, I'm not!
- Stan? - Attaway, Ogre.
- What's up, Betty? Is somethin' wrong? - Yeah.
- What? - One of those nerds just asked me out.
- Which one? - I don't know. They all look alike to me.
- Yeah. - They can't get any dates for their party.
- Oh, yeah? - I'll eat their ancestors. I'll kill their parents!
No, Ogre. Ogre! Don't worry about it. Wait a second. Just wait a second.
Maybe we could help 'em out.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And I know just what to do.
Come here.
We'll put the bar here, the hors d'oeuvres over there, and we'll pass the cheese puffs.
- Oh, good. - That sounds expensive.
This party's important. If we don't impress the Tri-Lambs, we'll never get in.
- Maybe we can have robster craws. - What the fuck are "robster craws"?
- Have any of you got dates, besides Gilbert? - I do.
- Yeah, but that's with a guy. - What about you, Booger?
I've been out combing the high schools all day.
- Maybe we should cancel the party. - No, we can't cancel the party.
UN Jefferson's coming. We gotta impress him.
We'll never find dates.
? Hello, Lambda, we're the Pis
? And we're here to say
? We think you are special guys
? Lambdas all the way
? Alpha Betas are OK
? If you like sweat socks
? (Betty) We prefer your high IQs
? To their great big... jocks
? Lambda Lambda Lambda boys
? Really are the best
? Won't you take a piece of Pi?
? And we'll do the rest
The sisters of Pi welcome our newest fraternity, Lambda Lambda Lambda.
We'd like to be escorts to your party Saturday night and help out in any way possible.
(all hum)
- We got dates! - I've never been out with a girl before.
Not just a girl, Poindexter, but a Pi.
- What's "Pi" stand for? - Hair pie.
What's that?
(? "All Night Party" by Gleaming Spires)
- Lewis, where are the Pis? - I don't know.
Their phone's been busy for two hours.
I don't think UN's having a very good time.
It must be the music. I'll put on something he'll like better.
- Lewis? - UN?
- Great party. - Thanks.
Where are all those sorority girls you have dates with?
You know women, they're probably just being fashionably late.
(? "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot")
- The Pis aren't gonna show. - They stood us up.
- Yeah. - I could call my sorority sisters.
- You could? - You think they'll come?
They're really spontaneous people. I'll call 'em.
Crush this ice for me, Arnold.
- Hey, guys, we got dates. - Who?
- Judy's gonna invite the Omega Mus over. - Oh, no, not the Mus.
- Yeah. - They're a bunch of pigs.
(Arnold screams)
(door bell)
- Hi. - Hi.
- Hi there. - Hi there.
- Hi. - Hi.
(tuneless scraping)
(Judy) You can sing along. The words are easy.
"So I say I gotta be free. So I say I gotta be me."
? So I say I gotta be free
? So I say I gotta be me
(plays wrong notes)
? I'm sayin' you gotta be...
Yeah!
This party isn't going very well, is it? I don't know why everybody's so uptight.
I don't know either. Maybe we should eat.
Maybe we should watch TV.
Hey, guys.
Wonder joints.
(? "Thriller" by Michael Jackson)
They taste better than they look.
(Toshiro) Picture time. Oh, goody!
Oh, smile pretty, chickies.
Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
Hair pie. Oh, hair pie.
Nothing. Nothing.
I have a micon-beta link, which hooks this phone to the computer in the robot.
Hey, this is some good shit.
Hair pie?
Thank you.
Hair pie?
- You built this yourself? - Yeah.
I think robots are sexy.
I do, too. Really.
- Do you want to dance? - OK.
Damn! You Mus sure can party!
- Let's go. - Where?
- Up to your room. - Up to my room?
Yeah.
Are you near-sighted or far-sighted?
- Near-sighted. - So am I.
- Really? - Yeah. You wanna switch glasses?
- We almost have the same prescription. - Yeah.
Um, would you like to dance?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, when I was in high school, I was thinking mostly of the aerospace field.
But then when I got into college, I decided I wanted something more challenging.
So, um, I switched to computers,
and now aerodynamics is just sort of a hobby.
(? "Right Time For Love" by Jill Michaels and Pat Robinson)
Wait, wait. No, no, wait.
Would you rather live in the ascendancy of a civilisation or during its decline?
Poindexter, do you wanna fuck or not?
- (she roars) - Agh!
You know, if we get into Lambda Lambda Lambda,
we could be partners in the homecoming carnival.
- That'd be so great. - Yeah. This party sure worked out well.
(screaming)
(? Bluegrass banjo music)
(students)? Old MacDonald had a farm
? E-l-E-l-O
? And on that farm he had some pigs
? E-l-E-l-O
We thought you could use some more pigs for your party, nerds.
? With an oink-oink here and an oink-oink there
? Here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink-oink
? Old MacDonald had a farm
? E-l-E-l-O
(jeering)
We'll never get into Lambda Lambda Lambda now.
Those jocks ruined everything.
I say we blow their fucking houses up.
No. We can't resort to violence. That'll just bring us down to their level.
- What do we do? - We gotta beat 'em at their own game.
We've gotta become the best fraternity on campus.
You know, if we win that homecoming carnival,
we can take over the presidency of the Greek Council. That would drive 'em crazy.
But, Gilbert, if we don't get approved by the Tri-Lambs, we won't even be a fraternity.
- I say we blow the fuckers up. - No. We can't do that.
But you're right.
Their action tonight demands an immediate retaliation.
And if we don't, we're nothin' but the nerds they say we are.
I know what we're gonna do.
(? Theme music from "Mission: Impossible")
(Lewis) Down, down, down.
Come on.
- (thud) - Agh!
? E-l-E-l-O
? With an oink-oink here and an oink-oink there
? Here an oink... (sniffs)
- Where? - Right there.
- Isn't this gonna make a lot of noise? - It's got a built-in silencer.
Camera. Periscope.
- Hey, Suzy. - Hi, Betty.
That was fun tonight. We were the highlight of their party.
- Those pigs were greasy. - I have got to get the smell off.
Oh, I know.
- If Stan calls, tell him I'll call him back, OK? - OK.
- Panty raid! - (screams)
Hey! Whaddaya... Whaddaya doin'?
Gimme those back! Come here!
Wormser, how many cameras do we have left?
- Four. - OK.
Step aside, momma. I wanna see some of that muff.
Hair pie. Hair pie.
That nerd saw me naked.
Oh, get out! Out! Oh, out! Get out!
- Hiya, buddy. - Hi.
- Isn't college great? - This will be a great year.
(braying laugh)
(Betty) Bastard! I'll kill you!
Get out, jerk!
(screams)
(Lewis) We love you when you're mad.
- Almost there, Wormser? - (Wormser) This should do it.
- Oh. - Ah!
- (Gilbert) Looks good. - (Lamar) This is a stationary camera.
(Booger) We got Pis.
- You got other angles? - Something else?
- Go to their room. - Yeah.
- That's her. - Go to the right. Go to the right.
Arnold, that's the girl we saw.
- (Lewis) Go up. - (Lamar) Up?
Wait a second. Hold it there, Lamar. Don't move the camera.
(Toshiro) Oh!
(nerds) Ah!
I drink to that.
- (Booger) Oh, yes. I like that nightie. - (Toshiro) Oh, that's very good.
- (Lewis) Can you go in that room? - (Lamar) Yeah.
(nerds snigger)
(Toshiro) Oh, here she comes.
God! Take your towel off, please.
(Lewis) Oh, yes!
Is she cold in there, or what?
(braying laugh)
(Gilbert) Focus!
This is bullshit. I want bush. Pan down.
(nerds cheer)
We've got bush. We've got bush.
Oh, hair pie!
(all laugh)
Agh!
I'm tired of watching 'em brush their teeth. See if Betty's up. Dooley, throw me a beer.
Thanks.
Oh, I getting tired of Betty.
Are you kidding? Zoom in.
I could never get tired of Betty. How could you ever get tired of that ass, Takashi?
Oh, I see your point.
Are you guys still watching the Pis?
- (all) Yes. - Have you been up all night?
Yes.
- Wormser, haven't you had enough? - No.
(Lewis) I think we got even with the Pis.
Now we got a little score to settle with the Alpha Betas.
(braying laugh)
- Shit! Hank, what is that stuff? - Liquid Heat.
- It burns. - You ought to feel it when I don't dilute it.
(Toshiro) Get them.
Make a pile here.
(Toshiro) OK. Here goes.
OK. Don't touch, now.
- (Gilbert) Here, hit this one. - (Toshiro) OK. Looks like salad.
The key to each season is homecoming.
You win that one, you got your alumni support.
You got your alumni support, you get that jock dorm,
you get the laundry money, you get the new cars.
Now, this season started out fine - we won some big ball games.
But we were lucky.
We can't get soft. We can't sit back on our laurels.
We win homecoming, we take league.
We take league, we get a bowl bid.
It's as simple as that.
But, gentlemen, you have got to want it.
- Do you want it? - (jocks yell) Yeah!
- I can't hear you. - Yeah!
We can't let up. We gotta stay tough.
You can do it. You can do it.
You gotta believe that you can do it!
- You gotta let them know that you want it! - I want it!
- Good. - (groans)
Shower up!
(jocks groan in pain)
Shit. We forgot to practise.
- You put what? - (Gilbert) Liquid Heat.
- On their what? - In their jocks.
- That's outrageous. - Are you angry, UN?
No. I'm not angry.
I'm glad to see you nerds... you guys finally fought back.
You'd make a fine addition to Tri-Lambda. I want to welcome you aboard.
- Congratulations. - All right!
- You'll tell the guys? - Oh, I will. (braying laugh)
OK, everybody ready?
OK, I focus now.
I set timer.
- Now say "Hi, UN." - (all) Hi, UN.
(Lewis) Well, I'd like to propose a toast to UN Jefferson,
who, in his ultimate wisdom, chose to accept us
into our new fraternity, Lambda Lambda Lambda.
(all) Lambda Lambda Lambda.
Before we take this matter to a vote, I would like it clearly stated in the record...
Miss Childs...
that the evidence is overwhelmingly against the Alpha Betas,
and I urge that they be found guilty.
Point of order.
Dean Ulich, I am an Alpha Beta,
and I know that no member of my fraternity
could have perpetrated such a callous, heinous act against the nerds...
or the Tri-Lambs.
Therefore, I feel a vote at this time would be, shall we say, premature.
- Premature? - Yes.
You see, instead,
I am going to organise a special, blue-ribbon, fact-finding commission,
made up of myself and... Miss Betty Childs.
We will get to the bottom of this dastardly deed.
- Wait a minute, you can't get away with this. - Oh, no, I'm afraid I can.
You see, only the president of the Greek Council can call a vote.
- That's completely unfair. - This is bullshit!
Meeting adjourned.
Guys, we are never gonna get a fair shake as long as Stan Gable is president.
The only way to become president is to win the homecoming carnival.
That's right, Arnold. And that's exactly what we're gonna do.
(fanfare)
I take great pleasure in officially opening this year's homecoming carnival.
(cheering)
(Dean) The overall winner will be determined by total points from:
Number one - field events,
number two - the charity fund-raising booth,
and number three - the musical show and skit competition.
And now, let the games begin!
(cheering and fanfare)
OK. The object of the race is to complete 20 laps around the track,
while stopping every lap for a mandatory pit stop,
at which time the driver will chug a beer.
You don't have a fucking chance, nerd.
- Oh, thank you. Good luck to you, too, Burke. - Fuck off.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
(pistol shot)
(? "Daisy, Daisy")
This is trichloromethalene. It counters all effects of alcohol in your system.
- Drink the whole beer. - (Stan) Go! Go! C'mon, Danny!
You got 'em! Kick his ass!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
- OK, OK. C'mon. - Are you feelin' OK?
- Oh, fucking great! - Go! Go! Go!
Come on, baby! Yeah!
Come on!
- One more lap. - It's just you and the Alpha Betas.
- Danny, let that nerd beat you, you're nothin'! - No sweat.
- He no stand no chance now. - Go, Takashi!
Go on! Let's go, Burke!
Oh, no!
All right! Come on! Go!
(Ogre) Ah, man, he's wasted!
(? "Daisy, Daisy" sung in Japanese)
(Stan) Come on, Burke! You're an Alpha Beta!
Oh, I won!
Times are changin', Betty. These nerds are a threat to our way of life.
If they win homecoming, they'll take over the Greek Council.
And we'll be up to our necks in nerd shit!
(Dean on PA) Our next competition will be the Trojan Horse.
(? Overture from "William Tell" by Rossini)
C'mon! Get off! Get off!
- Ow! - Yeah!
What are those Alpha Betas doing?
(booing and jeering)
(cheering)
(crowd chant) Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!
(weeps)
(Coach) On your mark. Set.
(whistle)
(Coach chuckles)
(cheerleaders chant) Ooh, ah, Alpha Beta!
Ooh, ah...
(Coach) On your mark. Set.
(whistle)
You win.
(Dean chuckles)
I'm not too wild about this next event, but it has become a tradition here at Adams.
The belching contest.
Our first of two finalists, Frederick W Polowoski.
Ogre You Asshole.
Ogre.
(belches loudly and long)
(cheering and applause)
And, from the Lambda-Mu team, Dudley Dawson.
- Booger. - Booger.
(belches louder and longer)
Our next event goes all the way back to the Peloponnesian War - the javelin throw.
- All right, baby! - What did you expect?
You won it.
(laughter)
- (Gilbert) Wait for Lamar's throw. - (Judy) How come?
Wormser's a master at aerodynamics. He designed the javelin to fit
with Lamar's limp-wristed throwing style.
(? Parody of music from "Chariots of Fire")
Wormser, it worked!
I can't believe it. Did you see that?
I love you all. I love you all.
Thank you. Thank you.
(Dean on PA) The Alpha Beta-Pi team leads. The Lambda-Mus are a surprising second.
Now let's see what happens at the charity fund-raising booths.
Eat a Pi for charity. C'mon, let's go!
Take a break, Chip.
Hi.
- Hi, Betty. - A nerd.
- I'm not kissing a nerd. - You have to. I've paid my money.
It's time for my break.
Kiss this, nerd.
- (Betty) Stan? - Yeah?
I wanna do it. All this kissing's made me horny.
God, Betty. You're like a goat.
Next.
Stan!
Changed your mind.
I'm glad. Come on.
(Lewis mimics Darth Vader's breathing)
D'you wanna do it on the moon?
Take off your mask.
Oh, Stan.
You're so kinky.
(Booger) Eat a Pi for charity. C'mon, step right up. C'mon, step up.
Eat Pi for charity. Thank you very much.
Eat a Pi for charity.
- Gable, how we doing? - Great. 1258 bucks. Better than last year.
- The nerds are over 2,000. - For selling pies?
They got a line around the corner. Guys are buying two, three pies apiece.
There's something fishy about these pies. C'mon, let's go check it out.
This can't be. Ogre, go get a pie. Find out what the hell's goin' on here.
Thanks, wimp. Get yourself one.
- Well? How is it? - Good.
- Is it good or is it great? - It's good.
Just good? Then what they sellin' so many for?
This why. Uh-oh.
That's my Pi.
Oh, Stan!
That was wonderful.
You did things to me you've never done before.
(gasps)
- You're that nerd! - Yeah.
God, you were wonderful.
Thanks.
- Are all nerds as good as you? - Yes.
How come?
Cos all jocks think about is sports.
All we ever think about is sex.
- What's your name? - Lewis.
Lewis... would you meet me after the pep rally tonight?
Sure.
(Dean on PA) It's all tied up. The musical and skit competition will decide the winner.
So, let the music begin!
? Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream
? Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
? Life is but a dream
(cheering and applause)
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
(? "Pink Panther" tune) Dead ant. Dead ant. Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant.
What is the dirtiest thing ever said on television?
Tell me.
"Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."
(all chant) Gable, Gable, he's our man. If he can't do it, Burke can.
Burke, Burke, he's our man. If he can't do it, Ogre can.
- Gimme an A! - A!
- Gimme a D! - D!
- Gimme an A! - A!
- Gimme an M! - M!
- Gimme an S! - S!
- What's that spell? - Adams!
? They always call him Mr Touchdown
? They always call him Mr T
? He can run and kick and throw
? Give him the ball and just look at him go
? Hip, hip, hooray for Mr Touchdown
? He's gonna beat 'em today
? So give a great big cheer for the hero of the year
? Mr Touchdown USA
Hurrah!
(loud cheering and applause)
(? Electronic dance music)
(well-played violin riff)
? Clap your hands, everybody And everybody clap your hands
? We're Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu
? We come here on stage tonight to do our show for you
? We got a rockin' rhythm and a hi-tech sound
? That'll make you move your body down to the ground
? We got Poindexter on the violin And Lewis and Gilbert will be joinin' in
? We got Booger Presley on a mean guitar And a rap by little old me, Lamar
? We got Takashi beating on his gong
? The boys and the Mus are clappin' along
? And just when you thought you'd seen it all
? Along comes a Lambda four foot tall
? So, Wormser, come on out here on the floor
? So we can work our bodies like never before
? Break
(wild cheering and applause)
I'd like to present the trophy to this year's champions,
Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu.
They will be able to select the president of next year's Greek Council.
I'd like to announce we've made our selection already. It's Gilbert Lowe!
This sucks! I gotta get rid of this anger. C'mon, Betty, let's pump iron.
No, Stan. I don't think so.
What d'you mean, you don't think so? C'mon, let's go. Why not?
I've got a date with a Tri-Lamb.
- A Tri-Lamb! - Here's your pin.
Take it.
Wait. Betty...
C'mon.
God! I'm in love with a nerd!
- Gable. - Yeah, Coach.
I wanna see you and the other girls in the locker room now!
Yes, sir.
You know, when you were a baby in your crib,
your father looked down at you, he had but one hope -
"Someday my son will grow to be a man."
Well, look at you now.
You just got your asses whipped by a bunch of goddamn nerds.
Nerds!
Well, if I was you, I'd do something about it.
I would get up and redeem myself
in the eyes of my father, my Maker and my coach!
- Let's get those nerds! - Nerds!
Nerds!
What are we waitin' for?!
? We're Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu
(chanting) Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
(Stan) Come on!
Come on!
I'm a nerd.
Welcome to the real world.
I never really wanted to believe that.
- It's OK. - It's not OK.
We're nothing.
We let them destroy our house.
- We'll control the Greek Council next year. - Big deal!
You'll be dead by then, Gilbert.
Nobody cares. Don't you understand that? The university doesn't care.
There's nothin' we can do about it.
We got something good goin', and I won't let 'em take it away from us.
Gilbert, don't be a fool. You'll just get yourself hurt again.
- Big deal. - Gilbert?
(? Brass band plays marching tune)
I'd like to introduce the men that will bring you a homecoming victory
against State tomorrow.
At defensive back, number 38, Kevin O'Leary.
Offensive guard, number 64, Rich Valrow.
At centre, number 53, Harry Reagan.
- Look who's comin'. - Where you goin'?
You went way too far this time, and you're not gettin' away with it.
Oh, is that right? Well, let's see if shit floats. What do you think of that idea?
Come on! Put me down! Goddamn! Put me down!
(Stan) Fire away!
Now our tri-captains.
Leading the conference in reception, at wide receiver, number 84, Danny Burke.
Our defensive captain, number 79, Fred Polowoski - the Ogre.
Now our two-time all-American quarterback, number ten, Stan Gable.
Hold it, son. Hold it, hold it!
Leave him alone. Coach, I said leave him alone.
What did you say? I'll break his goddamn neck.
You will do nothing of the sort. Don't touch that boy.
Says who?
Says me... you asshole.
Hold it, Coach. You just hold it right there.
OK, kid.
Say what you gotta say.
Thanks.
Uh... I just wanted to say that... that I'm a nerd.
And I'm here tonight to stand up for the rights of other nerds.
I mean, all our lives we've been laughed at
and made to feel inferior.
And tonight those bastards, they trashed our house.
Why?
Because we're smart?
Because we look different?
Well, we're not.
I'm a nerd, and... I'm pretty proud of it.
Hi, Gilbert.
I'm a nerd, too.
I just found that out tonight.
We have news for the beautiful people.
There's a lot more of us than there are of you.
I know there's alumni here tonight.
When you went to Adams, you might have been called a spaz,
or a dork, or a geek.
Any of you that have ever felt...
stepped on, left out, picked on, put down,
whether you think you're a nerd or not, why don't you come and join us?
Come on.
(? "We are the Champions" by Queen)
- Hi, Betty. - Hi.
Just join us, cos, uh...
Hi.
(Gilbert) No one's really gonna be free until nerd persecution ends.
You know, Coach, I think I'm gonna let these boys live over at the Alpha Beta house,
while you and your boys rebuild theirs.
- And where the hell are we gonna live? - What about us, huh?
You're jocks, go live in the gym.
(all, softly) Nerd. Nerd. Nerd.
(all chant loudly) Nerd! Nerd! Nerd!
Nerd! Nerd! Nerd! Nerd!