1 00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:41,238 NARRATOR: This film is respectfully dedicated to lonely guys everywhere. 2 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:45,246 Lonely guys have been with us since the beginning of time. 3 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:48,749 There's one there. Poor guy. 4 00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:51,787 Another New Year's Eve alone in the cave. 5 00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:57,000 Even a thousand years from now, 6 00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:59,715 the lonely guy will still be there. 7 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,175 Look at this guy. 8 00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:04,511 That couple will go down in history. 9 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,051 (WOMAN MOANING) 10 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:10,267 All he gets to do is eat roast beef from a tube. 11 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:15,230 So all you lonely guys out there, this film is for you. 12 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:19,113 It's for guys like that guy, Chin Loo Fung in Canton, China. 13 00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:21,491 He's got 14 married brothers and sisters, 14 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:25,153 yet still eats alone in a Chinese restaurant four nights a week. 15 00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:31,326 It's for Mbowie Zoomba, another lonely guy. 16 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,746 While he's happy that cable TV has been installed in his area, 17 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:39,258 he'd really just like to meet a nice girl with attractive lip plates. 18 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,761 And it's for Larry Hubbard... 19 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,075 HUBBARD: Hey, that's me, fifth one back. That's okay, I'll take over the narration now. 20 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:46,136 NARRATOR: Oh, all right. 21 00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:49,678 HUBBARD: Hi, I'm Larry Hubbard. This is the story of how I became a lonely guy. 22 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,642 I came to Manhattan to be a writer, 23 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,340 and while I was working on my novel, 24 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,224 I took a job at a greeting-card firm. 25 00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,484 It was working out pretty well. 26 00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,896 What are you working on, Hubbard? 27 00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:03,191 It's an idea I had for a new kind of sympathy card, sir. 28 00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:04,654 Hmm. 29 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:11,332 "I know how much your loss must grieve you, 30 00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,913 "but here's a thought I'd like to leave you. 31 00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:16,704 "Although you're sad remember that 32 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,590 "now God is petting your pussycat." 33 00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:27,056 Beautiful! Hubbard! 34 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,808 Congratulations! You're moving up. 35 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,264 Thank you, sir. 36 00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:33,270 Get your things and take the front desk. 37 00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:35,022 Yes, sir! 38 00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:37,037 Finley, Harrison, Annenberg, Leach. Yes, sir? 39 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:40,820 Stop whatever you're doing. I want pet cards. 40 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,322 Birthday, anniversary. And not just cats and dogs. 41 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:47,452 I want hamsters, fish, parakeets. 42 00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:50,329 HUBBARD: I was always lucking into things like that. 43 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,240 New York had been pretty good to me. 44 00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,124 But the best part was, 45 00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,877 I'd met this gorgeous ballet dancer named Danielle. 46 00:04:57,172 --> 00:05:00,586 She was nuts about me, and asked me to move right in with her. 47 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:03,877 Every day at 5:30, she'd have bathed, 48 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:06,637 perfumed, put on a sexy nightie, 49 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:10,676 be waiting alone in a big bed just for me. 50 00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:12,093 (DOOR OPENING) 51 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:13,875 HUBBARD: Hi, Danielle. Tarzan is here. 52 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,184 Oh, one second while I look through my mail here. 53 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,769 Oh, geez. 54 00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,275 (MUTTERING) 55 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,316 Hey, a rejection from a completely new publisher. 56 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,698 They're finally getting to know me in this town. 57 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,984 Hi ya, honey. You miss me? 58 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:29,931 So, what'd you do today? Anything interesting? 59 00:05:29,955 --> 00:05:31,412 (EXCLAIMS) 60 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:33,518 HUBBARD: You know, you gotta get out of the house more. 61 00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,829 You can't mope around all day waiting for me to come home. 62 00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:38,419 (WHISTLING) 63 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,713 (GARGLING) 64 00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:43,500 (SIGHS) 65 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:47,044 This your cigar in here, honey? 66 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,097 All ready for me I can see, huh? 67 00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,305 Mmm. You smell good. 68 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,265 I don't believe you! 69 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:58,648 You come home, you find me in bed with another man, 70 00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:01,275 you act as if nothing's going on. 71 00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:04,438 Larry, this is my lover, Raul. 72 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,822 We're lovers. Understand? 73 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,279 Hi, Raul. Larry Hubbard. Nice to meet you. 74 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:10,944 Yeah, hi. 75 00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:12,578 Have you known Danielle long? 76 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,661 Yes, we're dancers in the same company. 77 00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:17,325 Dancer? Yes. 78 00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:18,627 I thought they were all... 79 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,544 Well, Raul's not! 80 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,501 Raul's all man. 81 00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:24,256 Yeah. 82 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:28,170 And he's moving in tonight, afterThe Nutcracker. 83 00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:31,430 He's bringing his things over in the morning. 84 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:35,844 Bringing his things over? There's hardly enough room for our things! 85 00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:38,559 Your things are going! I've already packed them! 86 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,377 They're in the hall beside the garbage, 87 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:43,526 and you can take them out all together. 88 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:47,029 I know I'm behaving strange, probably real strange. 89 00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:49,691 I've never been in a situation like this before. 90 00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,404 I don't know how to handle it. 91 00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:53,660 I still don't know how to handle it. 92 00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:58,746 So, I was waiting, calmly, patiently, reasonably, 93 00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:03,630 till I do figure out how to handle this kind of situation. 94 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:06,632 No, hold it. I think I've got it. 95 00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,547 Yes, yes. 96 00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:11,337 What the hell's going on here? 97 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,176 What the hell is he doing in this bed? 98 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,387 You disgust me, both of you! 99 00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:19,053 I'm getting out of here and I never wanna see you in my life again! 100 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,892 RAUL: Hey, what the hell! Ow! 101 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:27,020 I think I handled that rather well. 102 00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:30,656 DANIELLE: (MUFFLED) Oh, Larry, don't forget the garbage. 103 00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:47,507 HUBBARD: I had no place to stay, nowhere to go. 104 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,839 There was no one to talk to. I must have looked pretty pitiful. 105 00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:54,130 But that's the good thing about living in a big city like New York, 106 00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:57,266 at least nobody I knew was going to see me like this. 107 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,143 JACK: Larry? Larry Hubbard? Is that you? 108 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:01,974 Hey, Larry, how are you? 109 00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,308 Jack. Jack Fenwick. 110 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,852 Oh, Jack, hi. You're looking good. How's it going? 111 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,316 How's it look? Pretty good, huh? 112 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,652 How's it going with you? 113 00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:15,871 Oh, just taking a walk. Like to get out of the house every once in a while. 114 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,828 I might jog around the reservoir later. 115 00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:20,240 I heard about you and Danielle breaking up. 116 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,534 You heard? It just happened 117 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,623 Yeah, well, I just spoke to her. 118 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:27,191 We were very close, you know. We had an affair and everything. 119 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,422 When was that? 120 00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:30,174 Oh, about four weeks ago. 121 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:32,004 Every morning after you'd go to work. 122 00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:34,295 Oh, but you knew about that, didn't you? 123 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,088 Oh, oh, sure! 124 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:39,008 Yeah, we had an understanding. We were very today people. 125 00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:41,597 Yeah. Hey, say hello to my wife Verna. Hello. 126 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,307 Hi. And this is my girlfriend Frieda. 127 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,063 Hi. Nice to meet you. Hi. 128 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,690 Nice to meet you. 129 00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:48,337 We got a little apartment here on the West Side, 130 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,102 one big room and a 40-foot mattress. 131 00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,488 (LAUGHING) 132 00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:55,428 Hey, listen, any time you're in the neighborhood, just drop in, okay? 133 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:58,035 Hey, and don't be so broken up about Danielle. 134 00:08:58,329 --> 00:08:59,649 She already dumped Raul, you know. 135 00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:00,950 She has? 136 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,810 Yeah. She's living with a rock group now. 137 00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:05,998 Oh. Well, okay. 138 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,976 You take it easy, huh? See you around. Yeah. 139 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,497 Come on, baby. 140 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,611 Hi. 141 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:41,914 Hi. 142 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,617 (SIGHS) 143 00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,004 Warren Evans. 144 00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:51,630 Larry Hubbard. Hi, Larry. 145 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:52,925 Hi. 146 00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:55,964 First-time lonely guy? 147 00:09:58,515 --> 00:09:59,847 What's a lonely guy? 148 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,266 My girl Melanie just left me. 149 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,601 What'd she leave you for? 150 00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,893 She came home last night, found some guy robbing her apartment. 151 00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:13,481 They just hit it off. 152 00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,146 Gee, that sounds tough. 153 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,314 It was tough. 154 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:20,655 It's probably for the best, she's really started to let herself go. 155 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,697 Drank a lot, never bathed, fat. 156 00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:26,331 Hey, don't worry. You'll meet another girl. 157 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,583 Not like Melanie. 158 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:31,107 No, better than Melanie. You're not gonna stay lonely forever, are you? 159 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,131 I'm not. 160 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,970 Well. 161 00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:44,224 Where are you headed? 162 00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:47,353 Um, I guess I have to look for an apartment, huh? 163 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,559 Take it from an experienced lonely guy, 164 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,066 be very careful looking for an apartment, 165 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,818 'cause from now on, that apartment's gonna be your best friend, 166 00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,695 if not your only friend. 167 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,198 A lot of lonely guys, just to get off the street, 168 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:00,983 tend to grab the first thing they see 169 00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:04,529 that looks better than a Borneo death cell. 170 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,322 Thanks. My pleasure. 171 00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:11,289 HUBBARD: Warren gave me a lot of good tips, like, 172 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:14,877 it's very important to find an apartment with a feeling of space. 173 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,175 (BABY CRYING) 174 00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,129 Right here. 175 00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:20,090 (THUDS) 176 00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:23,051 The view is very important psychologically. 177 00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:26,387 In a moderate price range, you can't expect anything too beautiful, 178 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,178 but a lonely guy should watch out for the depressing ones. 179 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,937 (CLANKING) 180 00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:32,232 (LAUGHTER) 181 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,811 (CHATTERING) 182 00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,442 (POLICE SIREN) 183 00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:41,941 A river view is great, 184 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,912 as long as you're above the river. 185 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,371 And you mustn't be fooled by classy-looking neighborhoods. 186 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,535 Sometimes your classiest-looking neighborhoods 187 00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:56,296 have the highest crime rate. 188 00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:57,591 (MAN GRUNTING) 189 00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,758 (GASPING) 190 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,256 (WOMAN SCREAMING) 191 00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:09,353 (THUDDING) 192 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,636 (TIRES SCREECHING) 193 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,685 Don't live here. Bad neighborhood. 194 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:27,946 HUBBARD: What a view! And you can almost see the river! 195 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,991 See, this has the pacing room I need. I'm working on a novel. 196 00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:33,909 This apartment could really be my friend. I'll take this. 197 00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:36,545 All right, fine, but before you can sign the lease, 198 00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:39,172 there are a few questions I'd like to ask. 199 00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,799 Well, what? 200 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,655 (QUICKLY) "Do you have any dogs, cats, children, 201 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,073 "or relations or friends of ethnic extraction? 202 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,679 "Do you ever wear loud sports jackets? 203 00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:48,014 "Do you ever get personal phone calls after midnight? 204 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,954 "Do you go to discos or have dinner with people in show business? 205 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,288 "Do you ever put disgusting substances up your nose, 206 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,144 "or any other open bodily passages? 207 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,000 "Do you own any records or albums featuring The Rolling Stones? 208 00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:57,061 "Is there anyone in your personal acquaintance 209 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,421 "who has now, or ever has had, a sexually communicable infectious disease?" 210 00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:01,507 (QUICKLY) No dogs, no cats, no children, no foreign friends or relations, 211 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,050 no loud jackets, no late phone calls, no show-business dinners, 212 00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:04,074 no disgusting substances in bodily orifices, 213 00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:05,862 no Rolling Stones albums, 214 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,554 no acquaintance with sexually-communicable infectious disease, 215 00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,338 except that Uncle Harry once developed a rash 216 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,739 after an affair with a waitress at the World of Pancakes, 217 00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:13,477 but he covered it with a tattoo of a Chinese dragon so nobody would notice. 218 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,104 Thank you very much. That seems all satisfactory. 219 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,397 I'll have a lease made out immediately. 220 00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:17,815 You can move in the day after tomorrow. 221 00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,922 I think you'll fit in here very well. 222 00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:21,673 Thank you. Do you wanna go to dinner? 223 00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,129 I'm a man. 224 00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,073 I mean, this is really getting drastic. 225 00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:27,417 I don't have anything in my place. 226 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,599 I just left with a suitcase. I lost my comb. 227 00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:33,761 This morning I had to brush my hair with my toothbrush. 228 00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:36,463 I mean, I clean it out really good so I feel more comfortable, 229 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:37,890 but it takes about 20 minutes. 230 00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,586 Does it look okay? No, it looks good. 231 00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:40,838 I was just thinking how good it looks. 232 00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:42,353 I think it looks okay. Just... 233 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:43,966 I should get a comb. Oh, you ought to get a comb. 234 00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,027 Get it today. 235 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:50,411 You think that's bad, I had my yearly physical last week. 236 00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:54,415 They called me yesterday, told me I have to come back. They lost my blood. 237 00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:56,291 Oh, God! 238 00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:57,771 You know, I mean, I can give them more blood, but... 239 00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,627 Yeah. 240 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,289 You see, you buy a lot of these, you scatter them around, 241 00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:04,712 and nobody will notice you don't have enough furniture. 242 00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,673 Hey, this one looks nice. 243 00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:09,554 No, you don't want that, Larry. That's got buds. 244 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,431 So what? 245 00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:14,594 You don't wanna watch life blossoming while yours... 246 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:16,853 Isn't, yeah. Well... 247 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,810 Hey, how about a fern? 248 00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:22,101 Great. But, Larry, don't call them ferns, call them guys. 249 00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:24,360 "Guys"? Yeah, make them feel like your buddy. 250 00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:26,135 You can watch football games together. 251 00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:27,318 (LAUGHING) 252 00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:28,937 Watch football games with a plant? 253 00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:30,200 Hey, you never know. 254 00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,407 (SNORTS) 255 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,072 Well, I'll just take this guy right here. 256 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:36,911 Uh-huh, uh-huh, good. 257 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:41,082 I could use one myself. 258 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,792 Want a sip? No, I'm full. 259 00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:44,172 What did you eat? 260 00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:45,958 Uh, a tuna sandwich. Uh-huh. 261 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,405 Hey, how often do you have to water something like this? 262 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,824 Oh, just once a week. But always stay with it a couple of minutes, 263 00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:53,636 it doesn't like to drink alone. Seriously. 264 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,268 Have you got your towels yet? 265 00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:58,042 Towels, geez, I forgot all about that. 266 00:14:58,189 --> 00:14:59,666 Listen, I can get them for you wholesale, 267 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,043 if you don't mind other people's initials. 268 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,467 They get them from divorced couples. 269 00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:04,188 No, I just want to get dry... 270 00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,319 That's kind of sad though, isn't it? 271 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,801 I don't wanna get depressed every time I come out of the shower. 272 00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,942 Listen, you'll probably be depressed anyway. 273 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,404 (SNORTING) 274 00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:17,823 Well, I gotta go. I gotta go get some furniture. 275 00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:21,665 Hey, doesn't your guy wanna say good-bye to my guy? 276 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:24,205 Say good-bye to your friend. 277 00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:25,964 Still a little shy. Ah. 278 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,636 Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye. 279 00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:34,969 (MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) 280 00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:53,137 HUBBARD: Well, I'd gotten some furniture, 281 00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:55,027 but the big news was the phone. 282 00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:58,538 I had to give them a $500 deposit and a sperm sample, 283 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,574 but they finally put it in. 284 00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:02,834 So, I pulled out my little black book. 285 00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:27,851 (PHONE RINGING) 286 00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:29,154 Let's go! Come on... 287 00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:30,938 Nobody move a muscle. 288 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,152 First National Bank. 289 00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:35,192 Hi. Carol Zall, please. 290 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,578 HOLD UP MAN: I'm sorry, she's all tied up right now. 291 00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,159 Would you care to leave your phone number? 292 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:45,203 Larry Hubbard. KL5-1173. 293 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,339 Oh. She says she'd love to talk to you, 294 00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:50,340 and she'll get right back to you. 295 00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:55,846 Haven't lost the touch. 296 00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:58,139 Cops! 297 00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,675 Out the back! 298 00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:02,094 Right, let's go. Take some hostages! 299 00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:03,512 Get the bag! 300 00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:05,476 All right, kid, you're coming with me. 301 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:11,649 HUBBARD: For some reason, Carol never called back. 302 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:32,424 You know, I know this guy who's a magician, 303 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:36,007 and he and his friend go into a restaurant and they start doing tricks for them, 304 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,922 and people come around. He said they meet a lot of girls that way. 305 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,761 I got this magic book. 306 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,803 Try this. Take a card. 307 00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:48,436 Okay. Look at it. 308 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,477 Now stick it back in somewhere. 309 00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:56,277 Okay. I'll shuffle. 310 00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:00,827 Okay, cut 'em. 311 00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:03,868 Okay. 312 00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:12,502 Is it the queen of clubs? No. 313 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,507 Was it a club? No. 314 00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:15,918 A diamond? Yes. 315 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,507 Queen of diamonds? No. 316 00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:19,967 Nine of diamonds? No. 317 00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:23,842 Six of diamonds? No. 318 00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:25,511 Three of diamonds? Yes. 319 00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:27,805 Yes. Not bad. Not bad. 320 00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:32,651 HUBBARD: Actually, I was feeling pretty positive. 321 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,607 There are plenty of girls in New York, 322 00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:37,443 and I knew it wouldn't take long before I met one of them. 323 00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:38,742 How you doing? 324 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,537 I'm okay. How about yourself? 325 00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:48,200 Not too shabby. Cigarette? 326 00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:49,618 Oh, no, thanks. 327 00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:53,914 Do you do this often? 328 00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:57,668 Well, I'm a single guy, 329 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,178 and no use in saving up. 330 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,511 NURSE: Okay, you may get up now. 331 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,971 I'll have you out of here in just a minute. 332 00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:07,477 Do you have time for a drink? 333 00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,207 They say you should have some orange juice. 334 00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,223 Oh, thanks. I have to meet my boyfriend. 335 00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:15,064 Oh, right, right. Me, too. 336 00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:17,320 You know, I really believe that one of these days 337 00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:19,777 I'm gonna meet the girl of my dreams, 338 00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:21,942 if I don't run out of blood first. 339 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:25,445 HUBBARD: I was getting a little depressed, 340 00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,428 so I was really glad when Warren invited me 341 00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,617 over to his place for a little party. 342 00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:31,000 (MUSIC PLAYING) 343 00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:32,456 (KNOCKING) 344 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,320 Hi, Larry. Hey, Warren, how's it going? 345 00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:38,551 Good to see you. 346 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:39,839 What are these? 347 00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:42,094 Oh, party cutouts. 348 00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:45,118 I got them at the Lonely Guy Store at 81st Street and Lexington Avenue. 349 00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:47,509 When I first saw them, it seemed like a pretty weird idea, 350 00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:49,724 but it turns out they're a lot of fun. 351 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,639 They're real good company, too. You'd be surprised. 352 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:54,478 Oh, yeah? Surprised. It is surprising. 353 00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:55,858 They move and everything. 354 00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:58,361 I'm just gonna go check on dinner. 355 00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:00,456 Fix yourself a drink. Drink anything you want. 356 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:01,533 Thanks. 357 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,200 (KNOCKING AT DOOR) 358 00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:05,827 I'll get it. 359 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,204 Hey, how you... 360 00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,956 You got a complaint about the noise. 361 00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:11,867 You're playing your music too loud! 362 00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:13,751 Oh, I'll turn it down. 363 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,007 What the hell is going on here? 364 00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:21,793 Uh, just a friendly little get-together. 365 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,218 Can I fix you fellas a drink? 366 00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:27,098 No, no, no, no. We're on duty. 367 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:28,393 Oh, sure. 368 00:20:28,686 --> 00:20:30,518 Just keep the noise down, okay? 369 00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,554 Thanks. 370 00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,816 Hey, Mike, go ahead, I'll be right down. I gotta use the can. 371 00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:41,275 Look, mister, really, I don't have to use the can. 372 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:46,160 But tell me, please, where do you get these things? They're fantastic! 373 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,446 You mean, you're a... 374 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:51,081 Yeah, a lonely cop. 375 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:54,083 A lonely cop? Oh, gee! 376 00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:58,042 You get them at the Lonely Guy Store at 81st and Lex. 377 00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:01,708 Thanks. Thanks a lot. Do you know if they got Gene Hackman? 378 00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:04,845 Uh, Warren? Yeah? 379 00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,347 Does the Lonely Guy Store have Gene Hackman? 380 00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:11,806 WARREN: Yes, they do, but you have to reserve him a week ahead. 381 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:15,597 Hey, terrific. Thanks again, I really appreciate it. 382 00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,357 Thanks a lot. It's okay. 383 00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:24,231 Come and get it. Leg of lamb. 384 00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:28,197 If I could tear you away from Dolly Parton. She's great, isn't she? 385 00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:33,616 Hey, Warren, do you ever feel like getting out, and meeting real women? 386 00:21:33,918 --> 00:21:36,318 Oh, sure. I'm meeting a terrific girl in a bar tomorrow night. 387 00:21:36,587 --> 00:21:38,507 You wanna come along? Maybe you'll meet somebody. 388 00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:39,958 Well, yeah, thanks. 389 00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:42,416 Who's that? 390 00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:44,550 Oh, just a friend of mine I don't see anymore. 391 00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:47,804 Oh. Well, here's to... 392 00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:52,018 (DISMISSIVE SIGH) 393 00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,099 (MUSIC PLAYING) 394 00:22:04,698 --> 00:22:08,408 Oh, God, that's funny! You tell a story so well. 395 00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:10,568 Oh, thanks. 396 00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:11,871 Here's another one. 397 00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:13,404 I'm walking down Madison Avenue. 398 00:22:13,624 --> 00:22:14,976 It's about 12:00, 12:30... This is true. 399 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,161 This really happened! Okay. 400 00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:17,646 This guy comes up to me, he says... 401 00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:19,002 Hi, hon. Sorry I'm late. 402 00:22:20,965 --> 00:22:22,605 Hey, Warren. Thanks for sitting in, buddy. 403 00:22:22,675 --> 00:22:24,319 I was just telling Louise this great story... 404 00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:25,504 How'd your meeting go? 405 00:22:25,803 --> 00:22:27,030 Oh, terrific. Looks like we got the deal. 406 00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:28,340 Oh, that's wonderful, darling! 407 00:22:28,639 --> 00:22:29,971 Great! 408 00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:32,223 Oh, listen, Warren, thanks again for sitting in. 409 00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:33,870 I hate to have Louise sit and wait for me alone, you know what I mean? 410 00:22:33,894 --> 00:22:35,351 Oh, that's okay. I was glad to do it. 411 00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:37,457 Oh, listen, can you do it again next week, same time? 412 00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:38,517 I'll be about 45 minutes. 413 00:22:38,816 --> 00:22:40,728 Oh, sure, sure. Enjoy your dinner. 414 00:22:46,115 --> 00:22:48,152 See anybody? 415 00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:50,804 Yeah. I'm trying to get my courage up to talk to that girl over there. 416 00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:52,820 Ooh, she's pretty. 417 00:22:53,122 --> 00:22:54,704 HUBBARD: No kidding. 418 00:22:58,294 --> 00:23:00,081 Gee, I don't think so. 419 00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:01,379 Why not? 420 00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,965 I mean, she's really attractive. 421 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,922 (CHUCKLING) Well, hey! 422 00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:11,512 Well, I mean, you know, try. 423 00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:13,139 Well, I will. 424 00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:19,645 Hi, I'm Larry. 425 00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:21,147 Hi. Brenda. 426 00:23:21,442 --> 00:23:22,933 It's okay? Mmm-hmm. 427 00:23:26,864 --> 00:23:29,106 Boy, I hate these places, don't you? 428 00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:33,027 It's like, most of these guys are just here for one thing. 429 00:23:33,329 --> 00:23:37,289 I guess I wanna meet someone I can talk to, just get to know, 430 00:23:37,583 --> 00:23:43,875 and go to dinners with, and museums, art galleries. 431 00:23:44,173 --> 00:23:47,291 I think what I'm looking for, is more of a real relationship. 432 00:23:47,593 --> 00:23:51,803 Oh, that's great, Larry, but I just came here to get laid. 433 00:23:59,396 --> 00:24:00,762 Ever think of getting a dog? 434 00:24:01,899 --> 00:24:03,481 A dog. 435 00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:06,189 Dogs are great. They leap all over you. They lick your face. 436 00:24:06,487 --> 00:24:09,195 They don't even have to like you, it's their instinct. 437 00:24:09,490 --> 00:24:12,153 Hitler had a dog, that dog went crazy over him. 438 00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:14,363 Adolf Hitler? Yeah. 439 00:24:14,662 --> 00:24:16,324 There's this pet shop, has this policy, 440 00:24:16,622 --> 00:24:18,329 you take a dog home, you don't like it, 441 00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:21,037 you bring it back in 24 hours, you get another dog. 442 00:24:21,335 --> 00:24:22,701 That sounds like a good deal. 443 00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:24,665 It is a good deal. 444 00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:26,796 HUBBARD: I learned a lot about dogs that week. 445 00:24:27,091 --> 00:24:29,583 For instance, don't get a dog that's bigger than you are, 446 00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,844 unless you're trying to save money on bus fare. 447 00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:34,595 Okay. Here we go. Here we go. 448 00:24:34,890 --> 00:24:36,802 Here we go, boy. Come on. Come on! There we go. 449 00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:39,461 HUBBARD: And if you like to play fetch, don't get a fast dog. 450 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,433 Fast dogs like to show off, and they don't care about your stick. 451 00:24:42,731 --> 00:24:45,644 If they don't come back by nightfall, you're out $300. 452 00:24:47,987 --> 00:24:50,104 Bassets are really cuddly dogs. 453 00:24:50,406 --> 00:24:52,898 They love to get in bed and nuzzle right up to you. 454 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,113 The only problem is, they miss their mother, and they howl all night, 455 00:24:56,412 --> 00:24:58,172 and you have to pretend you're a basset, too, 456 00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:00,413 and howl with him till he goes back to sleep. 457 00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:03,291 (BARKING) 458 00:25:05,087 --> 00:25:06,749 (HOWLING) 459 00:25:08,799 --> 00:25:11,507 (BOTH HOWLING) 460 00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:18,257 A cute dog attracts women, 461 00:25:18,559 --> 00:25:22,348 but not to you, to himself. 462 00:25:22,646 --> 00:25:24,353 I come by here every day about this time. 463 00:25:24,648 --> 00:25:25,648 Bye, puppy dog! 464 00:25:25,858 --> 00:25:27,144 Me and the dog. Bye. 465 00:25:31,071 --> 00:25:32,482 Hello, puppy. 466 00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:39,368 Dogs have a great deal. 467 00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:42,155 Hey, you! What's your name? 468 00:25:42,458 --> 00:25:43,949 Larry Hubbard. Why? 469 00:25:44,251 --> 00:25:45,770 I'm gonna have to write you a ticket. What for? 470 00:25:45,794 --> 00:25:47,660 Your dog just fouled the pathway over there. 471 00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:48,963 He what? 472 00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:50,965 He pooped. 473 00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:57,466 Excuse me, Officer, but I don't think that poop came from this dog. 474 00:25:57,765 --> 00:25:59,597 No, no, I'm sure of it. Definitely not. 475 00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:01,008 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 476 00:26:01,310 --> 00:26:02,972 No, Officer, I mean it. 477 00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:06,308 Look, in the last week, I've had five different dogs. 478 00:26:06,607 --> 00:26:10,317 I think I'm beginning to know what kind of poop goes with each dog. 479 00:26:10,611 --> 00:26:12,978 I think I may even say, without undue modesty, 480 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,647 that I am becoming somewhat of an expert on poop. 481 00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:20,444 And I can assure you that that poop did not come from this dog! 482 00:26:22,331 --> 00:26:23,947 Thanks. 483 00:26:24,249 --> 00:26:27,333 I mean, this is a little dog. That looks like a land mine. 484 00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:30,370 God! 485 00:26:30,672 --> 00:26:33,085 Warren, I gotta meet a girl. 486 00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:37,130 That was your dog's poop, I saw him do it. 487 00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:38,715 Oh, Warren! 488 00:26:40,349 --> 00:26:42,682 I mean, look at that guy, he's got a girl. 489 00:26:42,976 --> 00:26:44,096 He had to meet her someplace. 490 00:26:44,394 --> 00:26:46,886 He wasn't born with his arm around her. 491 00:26:47,189 --> 00:26:49,476 What about jogging? Maybe you can meet girls jogging. 492 00:26:49,775 --> 00:26:52,188 Jogging. I remember when I first saw Rocky, 493 00:26:52,486 --> 00:26:54,773 I came running out of the theater, ran into the park, 494 00:26:55,072 --> 00:26:57,029 started jogging, shadow boxing. 495 00:26:57,324 --> 00:26:59,236 A guy came up and punched me right in the face. 496 00:26:59,535 --> 00:27:00,821 Oh, God! 497 00:27:21,849 --> 00:27:25,217 I'm not really jogging. I only ran about 50 yards. 498 00:27:25,519 --> 00:27:28,227 This is not real sweat, either, I sprayed it on. 499 00:27:28,522 --> 00:27:30,388 They sell this at sporting goods stores, 500 00:27:30,691 --> 00:27:33,809 it's made from the actual sweat of professional athletes. 501 00:27:34,111 --> 00:27:36,819 This was taken from a Boston Celtics basketball player, 502 00:27:37,114 --> 00:27:38,980 immediately after a double-overtime game. 503 00:27:44,746 --> 00:27:46,783 I think I'm getting hungry. 504 00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:55,125 (PANTING) A vanilla yogurt milkshake, please. 505 00:27:55,424 --> 00:27:58,588 Did 22 miles today. 3-0-6! That's my best time ever. 506 00:27:58,886 --> 00:27:59,886 (SNIFFS) 507 00:28:00,179 --> 00:28:01,447 MAN: Don't sweat on the counter, please. 508 00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:02,962 Oh, sorry. 509 00:28:08,228 --> 00:28:09,228 Oh, that's beautiful! 510 00:28:09,438 --> 00:28:10,438 (CHUCKLES) 511 00:28:10,606 --> 00:28:11,722 Hi. 512 00:28:12,024 --> 00:28:13,856 (SIGHS) 513 00:28:14,151 --> 00:28:16,379 I was just noticing that book you're reading, Mayor of Casterbridge. 514 00:28:16,403 --> 00:28:18,861 That's really a coincidence, because I did my final term paper 515 00:28:19,156 --> 00:28:21,614 on Thomas Hardy, my senior year in college. 516 00:28:21,909 --> 00:28:24,617 You know, Hardy was a very interesting man. 517 00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:26,949 When he was in London in 1861... 518 00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:29,284 How long have you been a lonely guy? 519 00:28:31,376 --> 00:28:32,992 Is it that noticeable? 520 00:28:34,713 --> 00:28:37,330 What is it that gave me away? 521 00:28:37,633 --> 00:28:39,795 I know phony sweat when I smell it. 522 00:28:40,093 --> 00:28:42,881 When you first came in, I thought you were Larry Bird. 523 00:28:43,180 --> 00:28:45,012 Sorry, it was dumb. 524 00:28:45,307 --> 00:28:49,267 It's just that I saw you sitting there, and I wanted to meet you. 525 00:28:49,561 --> 00:28:51,427 No, that's not even true, either. 526 00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:54,188 I just wanted to meet anybody. 527 00:28:54,483 --> 00:28:56,395 I know. It can be rough. 528 00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:58,650 Did you try a fern? 529 00:28:58,946 --> 00:28:59,946 Yeah. 530 00:29:00,030 --> 00:29:01,362 A dog? 531 00:29:01,657 --> 00:29:04,024 Yeah, but they don't seem to really help that... 532 00:29:04,326 --> 00:29:07,034 How come you know so much about lonely guys? 533 00:29:07,329 --> 00:29:09,195 My husband Marty was a lonely guy. 534 00:29:09,498 --> 00:29:10,498 Oh, husband. 535 00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:12,490 My ex-husband. Oh. 536 00:29:12,793 --> 00:29:15,957 That's how we met. I fell for the phony jogging bit. 537 00:29:16,255 --> 00:29:20,465 Never again. I learned to tell the difference between real and bottled sweat. 538 00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:22,000 Here, smell mine. 539 00:29:25,389 --> 00:29:26,630 Oh, yeah. 540 00:29:26,932 --> 00:29:28,326 Now, see, that's terrific. That's sweat! 541 00:29:28,350 --> 00:29:29,761 Thank you. 542 00:29:30,060 --> 00:29:31,060 (SNIFFS) 543 00:29:31,353 --> 00:29:33,219 Oh, yeah, there's no comparison! 544 00:29:33,522 --> 00:29:35,764 Thanks. 545 00:29:36,066 --> 00:29:38,854 So, um, how long were you and Marty married? 546 00:29:39,152 --> 00:29:40,609 Oh, not long. 547 00:29:40,904 --> 00:29:43,112 I found out he was having an affair with a ballet dancer. 548 00:29:45,075 --> 00:29:46,611 Dancer? Now this may sound silly, 549 00:29:46,910 --> 00:29:49,573 but, by any chance, that dancer wasn't named Danielle? 550 00:29:49,871 --> 00:29:52,363 No, no. Raul. 551 00:29:52,666 --> 00:29:54,157 Oh. 552 00:29:55,085 --> 00:29:56,201 (SNIFFS) 553 00:29:56,503 --> 00:29:58,210 Absolutely no comparison. 554 00:29:58,505 --> 00:29:59,505 (LAUGHS) 555 00:30:03,302 --> 00:30:05,464 Well, I guess I'd better be going. 556 00:30:05,762 --> 00:30:10,427 Hang in there. Lonely guys don't stay lonely forever. 557 00:30:10,726 --> 00:30:12,308 Hey, um, what's your name? 558 00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:14,719 Where do you live? Could I call you sometime? 559 00:30:15,022 --> 00:30:16,854 I wrote it all down on the napkin. 560 00:30:19,109 --> 00:30:20,725 I know what you're going through. 561 00:30:23,155 --> 00:30:25,818 Wow, that's fantastic. What a great girl! 562 00:30:26,116 --> 00:30:30,451 Uh, that's $1.50. You've got some yogurt on your face. 563 00:30:33,123 --> 00:30:34,409 What a great girl. 564 00:30:37,169 --> 00:30:39,286 HUBBARD: I woke up early the next morning. 565 00:30:39,588 --> 00:30:43,878 Too early to call her. I just couldn't get her out of my mind. 566 00:30:44,176 --> 00:30:46,008 I couldn't wait till I got to know her. 567 00:31:00,442 --> 00:31:04,356 I love the way your nose crinkles up when you smile. 568 00:31:04,654 --> 00:31:08,648 Ugly? They are not. I love your freckles. 569 00:31:10,577 --> 00:31:13,866 What's the best movie you ever saw in your whole life? 570 00:31:14,164 --> 00:31:16,872 You're kidding! I don't believe it, me, too. 571 00:31:17,167 --> 00:31:19,250 Favorite food? 572 00:31:19,544 --> 00:31:21,251 With or without walnuts? 573 00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:23,458 I knew it! I knew it! 574 00:31:26,635 --> 00:31:30,003 What's the saddest thing that ever happened to you? 575 00:31:33,100 --> 00:31:36,218 My God! Really? 576 00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:39,979 That's awful. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. 577 00:31:40,273 --> 00:31:42,890 There, there. Just cry right into my arms. 578 00:31:43,193 --> 00:31:45,105 It's gonna be all right. Everything's all right. 579 00:31:45,404 --> 00:31:47,817 I'm here. I'm never gonna leave you. 580 00:32:04,381 --> 00:32:07,124 HUBBARD: I couldn't wait any longer. I had to talk to her. 581 00:32:07,426 --> 00:32:09,668 She had to be up by now, it was almost 6:00. 582 00:32:18,353 --> 00:32:19,514 Oh, God! 583 00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:22,517 Lois? Doris. 584 00:32:23,733 --> 00:32:24,974 Or... 585 00:32:25,277 --> 00:32:26,984 Boris? 586 00:32:27,279 --> 00:32:28,645 7-3-6? 587 00:32:28,947 --> 00:32:30,529 7-3-8. 588 00:32:31,575 --> 00:32:33,487 1-3-6? Damn it! 589 00:32:45,255 --> 00:32:48,123 (MUTTERING) 590 00:32:48,425 --> 00:32:50,212 (PHONE RINGING) 591 00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:51,591 MAN: (ON PHONE)Hello? 592 00:32:51,887 --> 00:32:53,753 Hello. Is there a Lois living there? 593 00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:55,216 Uh, Lois? No. 594 00:32:55,515 --> 00:32:57,848 Uh, Doris? No. 595 00:32:58,143 --> 00:32:59,850 Uh, Bess or Tess? 596 00:33:00,145 --> 00:33:01,807 No. Hey, who is this? 597 00:33:02,105 --> 00:33:03,516 Please, sir, this is very important. 598 00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:05,751 Can you just tell me, is there a girl living there, 599 00:33:05,775 --> 00:33:08,984 mid 20s, 5'3", blonde, 600 00:33:09,279 --> 00:33:12,738 beautiful face, great figure, 601 00:33:13,033 --> 00:33:16,197 fresh skin, full lips, 602 00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:19,613 and young, vibrant, alive? 603 00:33:20,332 --> 00:33:22,073 Is there? 604 00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:25,118 (PANTING) No, no, no. But please, please don't stop. 605 00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:28,462 (SIGHS) 606 00:33:32,886 --> 00:33:34,002 (PHONE RINGS) 607 00:33:36,890 --> 00:33:37,890 Hello? 608 00:33:38,058 --> 00:33:39,344 WOMAN: Larry? 609 00:33:39,643 --> 00:33:40,643 Yeah. Who's this? 610 00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:41,968 Danielle. 611 00:33:42,771 --> 00:33:44,353 Danielle? 612 00:33:44,648 --> 00:33:46,560 I want you back, Larry. 613 00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:50,397 Yeah, me and every other guy in New York. How's the rock group? 614 00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,402 Oh, Larry. 615 00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:55,405 You're the only one that ever meant anything to me. 616 00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:56,802 IGGY: This is the pits, man. 617 00:33:56,826 --> 00:33:57,826 The only one. 618 00:33:58,078 --> 00:33:59,285 FUZZY: Who took my pick? 619 00:33:59,579 --> 00:34:00,932 ZIPPY: Not me, man. IGGY: I lost my sack. 620 00:34:00,956 --> 00:34:02,242 Oh, good-bye, Iggy. Bye, babe. 621 00:34:02,541 --> 00:34:05,375 Good-bye, Fuzzy, Zippy, Zingo, Starr. Adios. 622 00:34:05,669 --> 00:34:07,813 Oh, Iggy, on your way out, could you take out the garbage? 623 00:34:07,837 --> 00:34:08,998 Thanks, love. 624 00:34:11,466 --> 00:34:12,877 What about mushy-mushy? 625 00:34:13,176 --> 00:34:14,737 FUZZY: Need a little help with the drums. 626 00:34:14,761 --> 00:34:15,761 Don't you miss it? 627 00:34:15,845 --> 00:34:16,845 No. 628 00:34:16,972 --> 00:34:18,088 Yes, you do. 629 00:34:18,390 --> 00:34:20,598 All right, so I miss it. Big deal. 630 00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:21,892 ZIPPY: Bye, Danny. 631 00:34:22,018 --> 00:34:25,887 I'm all alone in bed. 632 00:34:26,189 --> 00:34:29,227 It would only take you five minutes to get here. 633 00:34:29,526 --> 00:34:32,940 There'll never be anyone else for me but you. 634 00:34:33,238 --> 00:34:35,651 Just you and me, 635 00:34:35,949 --> 00:34:39,192 together forever and ever. 636 00:34:41,371 --> 00:34:42,987 (PHONE BEEPS) Do you mean that, Danielle? 637 00:34:43,290 --> 00:34:46,033 Hold on a sec. I got another call. 638 00:34:46,334 --> 00:34:48,747 I knew she'd come back to me! I knew it! 639 00:34:51,256 --> 00:34:53,543 Hello? Who's this? 640 00:34:53,842 --> 00:34:57,506 Larry. Larry Hubbard. 641 00:34:57,804 --> 00:35:00,842 Oh, Larry. Nice to hear from you. 642 00:35:01,141 --> 00:35:05,681 Listen, I'm a little busy right now, can you call me back some other time, okay? 643 00:35:05,979 --> 00:35:07,186 (DIAL TONE) 644 00:35:19,743 --> 00:35:21,575 MAN: (ON RADIO) ...with a 20% chance of rain, 645 00:35:21,870 --> 00:35:23,361 clearing in the afternoon. 646 00:35:23,663 --> 00:35:26,451 There were three suicides in Manhattan late last night, 647 00:35:26,750 --> 00:35:29,163 all characterized as lonely guys. 648 00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:32,169 Two of the men were found dead in their West Side apartments, 649 00:35:32,464 --> 00:35:35,707 both traveling salesmen who came home from the road after two weeks, 650 00:35:36,009 --> 00:35:39,343 and found that their large, beautiful fern plants were dead. 651 00:35:39,638 --> 00:35:41,300 Wow. A third lonely guy, 652 00:35:41,598 --> 00:35:43,214 who had a view just below the East River, 653 00:35:43,516 --> 00:35:45,178 opened his window and drowned. 654 00:35:45,477 --> 00:35:49,187 There was no suicide note. Apparently, he had no one to leave it to. 655 00:35:49,481 --> 00:35:50,597 Talk about lonely. 656 00:35:50,899 --> 00:35:52,640 And here's a bulletin. 657 00:35:52,942 --> 00:35:56,435 The New York Police Department reports there's just been another suicide, 658 00:35:56,738 --> 00:35:59,651 that of a lonely rock group. More details as we get them. 659 00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:01,315 Way to go, Danielle. 660 00:36:01,618 --> 00:36:04,076 And now, back to easy listening. It's kind of a late... 661 00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:11,618 SYNTHESIZED VOICE: Queen's rook to king three. 662 00:36:18,510 --> 00:36:19,842 (PHONE RINGS) 663 00:36:20,887 --> 00:36:22,003 (CLEARS THROAT) Hello. 664 00:36:22,931 --> 00:36:25,048 Hello? 665 00:36:25,350 --> 00:36:27,495 Hey, Warren, it's Larry. You wanna do something tonight, maybe go to dinner? 666 00:36:27,519 --> 00:36:31,559 No, thanks, Larry. No, I think maybe I'll just stay in tonight, 667 00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:34,644 relax, put on a fire. Maybe some other time. 668 00:36:34,943 --> 00:36:36,855 Sure. I understand. Thanks for calling. 669 00:36:37,153 --> 00:36:38,189 Bye. 670 00:36:49,290 --> 00:36:51,953 Capture of queen by rook. 671 00:37:00,343 --> 00:37:04,132 Queen's rook to queen seven. Checkmate. 672 00:37:06,766 --> 00:37:09,224 Thank you for a pleasant game. 673 00:37:09,519 --> 00:37:11,351 Thank you. 674 00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:16,186 You played very well, except for moves 14 through 17, 675 00:37:16,484 --> 00:37:19,352 which you played like an asshole. 676 00:37:36,963 --> 00:37:37,963 Yes? 677 00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:39,616 Hi. Do you have a table for dinner? 678 00:37:39,716 --> 00:37:41,235 Certainly, sir. How many in your party? 679 00:37:41,259 --> 00:37:42,259 I'm alone. 680 00:37:42,552 --> 00:37:43,633 Alone? 681 00:37:43,928 --> 00:37:45,794 (MUSIC AND CHATTERING STOPS) 682 00:37:51,519 --> 00:37:53,010 (CHUCKLES) 683 00:37:53,313 --> 00:37:54,394 Follow me, sir. 684 00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:00,104 This way, sir. 685 00:38:15,752 --> 00:38:16,868 Thank you. 686 00:38:19,631 --> 00:38:21,668 Would you care for a cocktail, sir? 687 00:38:21,966 --> 00:38:23,457 Yes, I'd like a todka and vonic. 688 00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:24,841 A todka and vonic? 689 00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:26,136 Yes. 690 00:38:26,221 --> 00:38:27,632 (LAUGHS) Very good, sir. 691 00:38:29,808 --> 00:38:31,845 Oh, and, Captain? 692 00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:33,805 Could you turn out the spotlight, please? 693 00:38:34,103 --> 00:38:35,103 Certainly. 694 00:38:35,188 --> 00:38:36,645 (SNAPS FINGER) 695 00:38:36,940 --> 00:38:40,433 And could everybody go back to talking? 696 00:38:40,735 --> 00:38:41,735 Certainly. 697 00:38:41,861 --> 00:38:42,861 (SNAPS FINGER) 698 00:38:42,987 --> 00:38:44,694 (CHATTERING RESUMES) 699 00:38:58,586 --> 00:39:00,498 HUBBARD: This is the really hard part, 700 00:39:00,797 --> 00:39:02,317 sitting there trying to convince people 701 00:39:02,549 --> 00:39:04,711 you're eating alone on purpose. 702 00:39:05,009 --> 00:39:06,966 But Warren told me how to handle it. 703 00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:16,135 Is it all right? 704 00:39:18,314 --> 00:39:20,226 Oh, you can read my review next Sunday. 705 00:39:28,449 --> 00:39:29,530 Hi. 706 00:39:29,826 --> 00:39:31,692 Oh, it's you! My God, it's you! 707 00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:33,755 I wiped my mouth with the napkin you gave me. 708 00:39:33,955 --> 00:39:35,821 I spent two solid days trying to decipher it. 709 00:39:36,124 --> 00:39:37,911 I promised God if he let me find you again, 710 00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:40,542 I would never ever wipe food off my face as long as I live. 711 00:39:40,837 --> 00:39:42,920 Oh, well, I figured that would happen. 712 00:39:43,214 --> 00:39:45,376 Lonely guys always lose phone numbers. 713 00:39:45,675 --> 00:39:46,882 What is your name? Iris. 714 00:39:47,176 --> 00:39:50,135 Iris! Iris. Of course, Iris. 715 00:39:50,430 --> 00:39:52,217 Sit down. Let me get you something. 716 00:39:52,515 --> 00:39:55,633 Oh, no, thanks. I'm here with my ex-husband, and we're leaving. 717 00:39:57,770 --> 00:39:58,931 HUBBARD: So that's Marty? 718 00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:02,098 Oh, no, that's my ex-husband Jeremy. 719 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:04,392 Different ex-husband? Mmm. 720 00:40:04,694 --> 00:40:06,435 Well, I have to go. 721 00:40:06,738 --> 00:40:08,507 Wait. Your number. Oh, I wrote it down on the check. 722 00:40:08,531 --> 00:40:10,614 The, uh, waiter will give it to you. 723 00:40:10,909 --> 00:40:11,945 I'll call you tomorrow. 724 00:40:12,243 --> 00:40:13,825 Okay. 725 00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:16,077 Bye. Bye. 726 00:40:16,372 --> 00:40:19,115 Iris, Iris, Iris. Waiter! Check. 727 00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,284 Here we are, sir. 728 00:40:22,587 --> 00:40:24,203 Thank you. 729 00:40:24,505 --> 00:40:27,498 No, no. Please, sir. With an eminent food critic such as yourself, 730 00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:29,132 the pleasure is all ours. 731 00:40:29,427 --> 00:40:30,543 No... 732 00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:44,435 HUBBARD: I phoned every Iris in the New York area. 733 00:40:44,734 --> 00:40:46,600 WOMAN: Hello? Hi. 734 00:40:46,903 --> 00:40:49,089 Is this the Iris who gave me her number in a restaurant last night? 735 00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:50,320 No, it's not. 736 00:40:50,615 --> 00:40:52,481 Sorry. 737 00:40:52,784 --> 00:40:55,447 HUBBARD: I combed the entire neighborhood where I met her. 738 00:41:02,460 --> 00:41:05,578 Night and day, day and night. 739 00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:20,305 I got so desperate, I went up to my roof and called out her name. 740 00:41:20,603 --> 00:41:22,014 Iris! 741 00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:26,728 Iris, where are you? 742 00:41:27,026 --> 00:41:30,940 Marilyn! Marilyn, my love! 743 00:41:31,239 --> 00:41:37,327 Barbara! Where are you, Barbara? 744 00:41:37,620 --> 00:41:42,331 Lupe, I miss you! Where are you? 745 00:41:42,625 --> 00:41:47,290 Erica! Erica, it's me! 746 00:41:48,798 --> 00:41:50,164 Iris! 747 00:41:50,466 --> 00:41:52,458 Caroline! 748 00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:54,626 Iris, where are you? Barbara! 749 00:41:54,929 --> 00:41:56,795 Erica! Caroline! 750 00:41:57,098 --> 00:42:01,388 Lupe, where are you? Iris! 751 00:42:01,686 --> 00:42:05,305 When I was in high school, I went to a movie theater with a girl. 752 00:42:05,606 --> 00:42:08,474 I was sitting there, and about 20 minutes into the picture, 753 00:42:08,776 --> 00:42:11,484 I slowly put my arm around her. 754 00:42:11,779 --> 00:42:15,864 Slowly, slowly, I put it on her breast. She didn't say a word. 755 00:42:16,159 --> 00:42:17,159 (SIGHS) 756 00:42:17,410 --> 00:42:18,992 And I thought, "This is great." 757 00:42:19,287 --> 00:42:20,347 And I sat through the whole picture and didn't move. 758 00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:22,112 It was just right there. 759 00:42:22,415 --> 00:42:24,309 And when the lights came up, I realized it was on her purse. 760 00:42:24,333 --> 00:42:25,333 Oh. 761 00:42:26,377 --> 00:42:27,709 It was still fun, though. 762 00:42:28,004 --> 00:42:29,495 'Cause you didn't know, yeah. Yeah. 763 00:42:31,591 --> 00:42:33,751 HUBBARD: I thought it might help to see a psychiatrist. 764 00:42:33,885 --> 00:42:35,922 You know, just to have someone to unload on, 765 00:42:36,220 --> 00:42:38,462 someone compassionate and understanding. 766 00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:43,182 Does Dr. Zook live here? 767 00:42:43,478 --> 00:42:44,478 Second bell from the top. 768 00:42:44,687 --> 00:42:45,687 Thank you. 769 00:42:49,192 --> 00:42:50,192 ZOOK: Yes? 770 00:42:50,401 --> 00:42:51,641 Hi, Dr. Zook. My name's Hubbard. 771 00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:53,560 I have a 3:00 appointment with you. 772 00:42:53,863 --> 00:42:56,105 Hubbard, yes. Nice to meet you. 773 00:42:56,407 --> 00:42:57,523 Thank you. 774 00:42:57,825 --> 00:43:00,192 Talk into the box, please. 775 00:43:00,495 --> 00:43:01,495 What? 776 00:43:01,579 --> 00:43:03,036 Talk into the box. 777 00:43:03,331 --> 00:43:06,870 So, why did you decide to come and see me? 778 00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:16,925 (WHISPERING) Well, I recently ended a relationship with this girl, 779 00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:21,885 and I was feeling kind of lonely, and I... 780 00:43:22,183 --> 00:43:24,516 Excuse me. Do you mind if I smoke? 781 00:43:25,770 --> 00:43:26,886 Uh, no. Go ahead. 782 00:43:27,188 --> 00:43:29,180 Thank you. 783 00:43:29,482 --> 00:43:31,763 You were saying you ended this relationship with this girl? 784 00:43:32,026 --> 00:43:33,858 Well, I came home... 785 00:43:34,153 --> 00:43:36,633 See, I was living with a ballet dancer, her name was Danielle... 786 00:43:36,697 --> 00:43:39,235 So when my father gave me a "C" in English, I didn't understand. 787 00:43:39,534 --> 00:43:42,471 I mean, he told me it was because he had to treat me like all the other kids, 788 00:43:42,495 --> 00:43:44,855 but I really thought he was being much, much tougher on me... 789 00:43:44,914 --> 00:43:48,749 Sorry, Larry. That's all the time we have for today. 790 00:43:49,043 --> 00:43:52,332 If you like, I can see you next Thursday at 3:00. 791 00:43:52,630 --> 00:43:55,088 Yes, yes, I would. I think the talking has helped. 792 00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:59,423 Well, good. Now, if you'll just deposit $50 in my mail slot. 793 00:44:00,847 --> 00:44:02,054 Okay. Thanks. 794 00:44:02,348 --> 00:44:03,348 You bet. 795 00:44:04,433 --> 00:44:06,174 You know what gets me? 796 00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:08,637 I go to get a haircut, they charge me, like, four bucks, 797 00:44:08,855 --> 00:44:11,643 which is the same amount of money they would charge anybody to come in, 798 00:44:11,941 --> 00:44:14,900 but, like, say a guy like Michael Landon goes into the shop where I go, 799 00:44:15,194 --> 00:44:17,047 they would charge him four bucks, yet he's got, like, 800 00:44:17,071 --> 00:44:19,654 a hundred times more hair than I do. 801 00:44:19,949 --> 00:44:22,783 By rights, they should be charging Michael Landon, like, $400. 802 00:44:23,077 --> 00:44:26,070 Yeah, but they don't charge you by how much hair you've got, they charge... 803 00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:29,615 They're paid to make it look good with what you've got. 804 00:44:29,917 --> 00:44:31,520 Well, I don't even know if they've done that. 805 00:44:31,544 --> 00:44:32,830 I mean, how does that look? 806 00:44:34,547 --> 00:44:36,083 See, that's what I'm saying. 807 00:44:36,382 --> 00:44:38,142 You ever tried, maybe, like, swooping it over? 808 00:44:38,384 --> 00:44:39,903 You know how some guys, they grow their hair real long, 809 00:44:39,927 --> 00:44:41,589 and then, like, they swoop it over. 810 00:44:41,888 --> 00:44:43,699 You can do a lot like that, you can get a pompadour and everything. 811 00:44:43,723 --> 00:44:45,643 My hair doesn't grow long enough to swoop it over. 812 00:44:45,808 --> 00:44:48,248 Besides, I think when you see a guy with his hair swooped over, 813 00:44:48,519 --> 00:44:50,519 you know he's, like, doing it to cover up something. 814 00:44:50,771 --> 00:44:53,000 Yeah, I mean, if a guy has a lot of hair, he's not gonna swoop it over. 815 00:44:53,024 --> 00:44:55,767 Guy has a lot of hair, he's not gonna swoop it over. 816 00:44:56,068 --> 00:44:57,754 You know, the guys who always keep their hair, 817 00:44:57,778 --> 00:44:59,458 are the guys who have no use for it at all, 818 00:44:59,697 --> 00:45:01,175 they're not trying to impress anybody. 819 00:45:01,199 --> 00:45:03,111 Who's that? Like bums. 820 00:45:03,409 --> 00:45:06,573 You ever seen a bald bum? They always have a beautiful head of hair. 821 00:45:06,871 --> 00:45:08,032 Why is that? 822 00:45:08,331 --> 00:45:11,074 I think it's because they never wash it. 823 00:45:11,375 --> 00:45:13,020 It's the only time you ever see your hair fall out, 824 00:45:13,044 --> 00:45:14,730 is after you take your shower, and you wash your hair, 825 00:45:14,754 --> 00:45:16,666 there's a bunch of hair lying there. 826 00:45:16,964 --> 00:45:18,984 You mean, if I'd never washed my hair, I'd have a full head of hair? 827 00:45:19,008 --> 00:45:21,195 Of course, they could lose their hair, too, and maybe it just stays in. 828 00:45:21,219 --> 00:45:23,859 Just locked in there. If they ever wash it, they could be bald bums. 829 00:45:24,055 --> 00:45:25,055 Yeah. 830 00:45:30,811 --> 00:45:31,811 (REWINDING) 831 00:45:32,063 --> 00:45:33,474 (BEEPS) 832 00:45:33,773 --> 00:45:35,733 MAN: Mr. Hubbard, the manuscript which you sent us, 833 00:45:36,025 --> 00:45:39,393 it is not the sort of thing this company is interested in doing, 834 00:45:39,695 --> 00:45:41,061 the Speedy Fingers Typing Service. 835 00:45:41,364 --> 00:45:42,364 (MACHINE BEEPS) 836 00:45:42,615 --> 00:45:43,815 WARREN: Hi, Larry, it's Warren. 837 00:45:44,075 --> 00:45:45,915 I can't go to the movie with you tomorrow night 838 00:45:46,035 --> 00:45:48,322 because I decided to end it all. 839 00:45:48,621 --> 00:45:50,453 My life just seems so empty and meaningless 840 00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:53,957 that I can't see any point in going on with it. 841 00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:57,040 Hope you enjoy the movie. Good-bye. 842 00:46:07,515 --> 00:46:09,723 HUBBARD: I figured he'd be at the Manhattan Bridge. 843 00:46:10,017 --> 00:46:13,010 It was a sort of "in" spot for suicidal lonely guys. 844 00:46:17,233 --> 00:46:18,474 (SPRAYING) 845 00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:21,021 Check it out, man. 846 00:46:31,372 --> 00:46:32,738 MAN: We got some more paint. 847 00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:35,157 Block the door, man. 848 00:46:35,459 --> 00:46:37,041 Check it, check it. Check it out. 849 00:46:50,099 --> 00:46:52,466 (MUFFLED) Iris! I lost your phone number! 850 00:46:52,768 --> 00:46:53,768 (MOUTHS SILENTLY) 851 00:46:54,020 --> 00:46:56,262 (MUFFLED SHOUTING) 852 00:46:56,564 --> 00:46:58,055 (MOUTHS SILENTLY) 853 00:47:01,610 --> 00:47:03,852 Hey, hey, hey! 854 00:47:15,082 --> 00:47:16,698 I'll see you there. 855 00:47:21,088 --> 00:47:23,455 Man, you sure are some bad backward writer. 856 00:47:23,758 --> 00:47:24,839 Thanks. 857 00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:28,759 (LAUGHING) 858 00:47:33,642 --> 00:47:35,008 HUBBARD: Warren? 859 00:47:36,062 --> 00:47:39,021 Warren! Warren! 860 00:47:41,734 --> 00:47:43,566 Warren. 861 00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:45,773 (MAN SCREAMING) Warren? 862 00:47:46,906 --> 00:47:48,238 (SPLASH) Warren? 863 00:47:49,075 --> 00:47:50,486 Warren! 864 00:47:52,578 --> 00:47:54,945 Warren! MAN: (SCREAMING) Carol! 865 00:47:55,247 --> 00:47:56,283 Warren? 866 00:47:56,582 --> 00:47:57,582 (SPLASH) 867 00:47:57,666 --> 00:47:58,873 Warren! 868 00:48:01,796 --> 00:48:04,254 Warren. Warren? 869 00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:06,873 No. Henry. 870 00:48:08,135 --> 00:48:09,671 (SCREAMING) Warren? 871 00:48:09,970 --> 00:48:11,256 Warren? 872 00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:12,921 Warren! 873 00:48:13,224 --> 00:48:15,181 Don't come any closer, Larry. 874 00:48:15,476 --> 00:48:18,935 Warren, come down from there. You have too much to live for. 875 00:48:19,230 --> 00:48:20,812 Give me three things. 876 00:48:25,277 --> 00:48:26,393 Two things? 877 00:48:30,282 --> 00:48:32,194 One thing? 878 00:48:32,493 --> 00:48:35,201 Not dying. Not dying is something to live for. 879 00:48:35,496 --> 00:48:37,283 What's the difference? Nobody cares. 880 00:48:37,581 --> 00:48:39,901 Warren, I care. I'm your friend. I care what happens to you. 881 00:48:40,167 --> 00:48:42,659 You gotta believe that, Warren. You gotta believe it. 882 00:48:42,962 --> 00:48:44,749 You're great, Larry. 883 00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:46,691 I mean, a lot of people say they're your friend... IRIS: Larry? 884 00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:48,360 ...but to come running down here like this. 885 00:48:48,384 --> 00:48:50,467 Stay there. I'll be right back. 886 00:48:52,471 --> 00:48:55,384 HUBBARD: Oh, Iris! I'm so glad I found you. 887 00:48:55,683 --> 00:48:57,015 (KISSING) 888 00:48:57,309 --> 00:48:58,620 Oh, come on. My best friend is gonna jump. 889 00:48:58,644 --> 00:48:59,851 What? 890 00:49:01,647 --> 00:49:02,763 Warren, please, come down. 891 00:49:03,065 --> 00:49:04,772 Who's this? 892 00:49:05,067 --> 00:49:07,170 This is Iris, the girl I told you about. I found her again. 893 00:49:07,194 --> 00:49:10,983 Aw, gosh, she is lovely. How are you? 894 00:49:11,282 --> 00:49:12,898 Fine. You? 895 00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:14,486 (DISMISSIVE SIGH) 896 00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:16,572 Warren, please don't do this, I need you. 897 00:49:16,871 --> 00:49:18,703 You don't need me. You two have each other. 898 00:49:18,998 --> 00:49:20,278 No, we don't, this'll never last. 899 00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:22,120 She's already had two husbands. 900 00:49:22,418 --> 00:49:23,909 Six. Six? 901 00:49:24,211 --> 00:49:26,373 Six? Six. 902 00:49:26,672 --> 00:49:29,433 Six! See? You can't have a stable relationship with a person like that. 903 00:49:29,633 --> 00:49:33,752 It's nice of you both to lie, but I can see how you feel about each other. 904 00:49:34,054 --> 00:49:36,717 Okay, but that doesn't mean I don't need you in my life, too. 905 00:49:37,016 --> 00:49:39,474 You wanna know the place I'll have in your life? 906 00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:43,978 You'll have a beautiful wife, great kids, lovely home, 907 00:49:44,273 --> 00:49:45,855 and I'll be your bachelor friend 908 00:49:46,150 --> 00:49:47,878 who you feel you have to invite to your dinner party, 909 00:49:47,902 --> 00:49:49,643 because you haven't seen me in ages. 910 00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:51,345 But Iris has run out of single women 911 00:49:51,614 --> 00:49:53,276 to fix me up with, as a dinner date, 912 00:49:53,574 --> 00:49:55,987 so she wracks her brain and comes up with this widow 913 00:49:56,285 --> 00:49:59,869 who's 15 years older than me, overweight, with rotten teeth. 914 00:50:01,499 --> 00:50:03,059 You know, it doesn't sound all that bad. 915 00:50:03,209 --> 00:50:04,290 (LAUGHS) 916 00:50:04,585 --> 00:50:06,451 I mean, I like a full-figured woman. 917 00:50:06,754 --> 00:50:08,620 Teeth you can always fix. 918 00:50:08,923 --> 00:50:11,586 And what does age matter, if you have a good personality, right? 919 00:50:11,884 --> 00:50:13,045 That's right! 920 00:50:13,344 --> 00:50:14,664 Would you make a nice leg of lamb? 921 00:50:14,887 --> 00:50:15,887 Oh, yes. 922 00:50:16,013 --> 00:50:17,299 Oh, I love lamb. 923 00:50:17,598 --> 00:50:19,038 Excuse me. Are you using this railing? 924 00:50:19,225 --> 00:50:20,261 No. 925 00:50:20,559 --> 00:50:21,845 Thank you. You're welcome. 926 00:50:22,144 --> 00:50:23,806 With mint sauce? Of course. Mint sauce. 927 00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:25,874 (MAN SCREAMING) Hey, hard to talk here, let's all go somewhere. 928 00:50:25,898 --> 00:50:27,514 No, you two go ahead. 929 00:50:27,816 --> 00:50:29,252 (SPLASH) No, no. I can't leave you after this. 930 00:50:29,276 --> 00:50:31,984 Hey, I've been up there plenty of times. 931 00:50:32,279 --> 00:50:33,719 Why don't you come to dinner with us? 932 00:50:33,948 --> 00:50:37,032 No, no, you go ahead. I'll catch a slice of pizza. 933 00:50:37,326 --> 00:50:38,386 HUBBARD: I'll call you later. 934 00:50:38,410 --> 00:50:39,410 Thanks, Larry. 935 00:50:45,292 --> 00:50:47,659 Iris, how old are you? 936 00:50:47,962 --> 00:50:49,544 And you've had six husbands? 937 00:50:49,838 --> 00:50:51,249 That's a lot, isn't it? 938 00:50:51,549 --> 00:50:53,211 No, no, not really. 939 00:50:53,509 --> 00:50:55,669 When you think about it, it's just one every five years. 940 00:50:56,845 --> 00:50:59,258 ...and Jerry was an alcoholic, 941 00:50:59,557 --> 00:51:02,641 and Michael was a compulsive gambler, 942 00:51:02,935 --> 00:51:05,769 and Fred was a womanizer. 943 00:51:06,063 --> 00:51:07,929 It seems I've ended up being hurt 944 00:51:08,232 --> 00:51:10,770 in every relationship I've ever had. 945 00:51:11,068 --> 00:51:15,438 Iris, I guess no man knows for sure what he's capable of. 946 00:51:15,739 --> 00:51:19,028 There might be circumstances in which I might lie, or steal, 947 00:51:19,326 --> 00:51:22,660 or, who knows, even kill. 948 00:51:22,955 --> 00:51:26,039 But there's one thing I know in my heart I could never do. 949 00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:30,202 As long as I live, I could never, never hurt you. 950 00:51:30,504 --> 00:51:31,915 Oh, Larry! 951 00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:33,830 Iris. Oh, gosh! 952 00:51:34,133 --> 00:51:35,749 I'm sorry. Are you all right? Oh! 953 00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:38,668 Oh, sit down. It's just a scalded lap. 954 00:51:38,971 --> 00:51:40,257 You sure? I'm fine. Fine. 955 00:51:40,556 --> 00:51:42,388 Just... Fine. 956 00:51:43,642 --> 00:51:46,055 No. No, you're not. 957 00:51:47,271 --> 00:51:49,228 What are you doing? 958 00:51:49,523 --> 00:51:53,016 I want you to know that whatever feelings of pain you might have, 959 00:51:53,319 --> 00:51:54,776 I wanna share them with you. 960 00:52:00,117 --> 00:52:02,484 (GROANING) 961 00:52:02,786 --> 00:52:06,655 Oh, that was a very sweet gesture. Thank you. 962 00:52:08,417 --> 00:52:09,783 You're welcome. 963 00:52:10,085 --> 00:52:11,951 (SIGHS) 964 00:52:12,254 --> 00:52:15,418 Well, gosh, it's almost 2:00. 965 00:52:15,716 --> 00:52:17,756 I guess you'd like me to take you home, wouldn't you? 966 00:52:18,636 --> 00:52:21,174 Yes. To your home. 967 00:52:24,016 --> 00:52:25,052 Really? 968 00:52:25,809 --> 00:52:27,050 Mmm-hmm. 969 00:52:28,562 --> 00:52:31,305 Oh, Iris. 970 00:52:31,607 --> 00:52:33,564 But first, I just have to go to the bathroom. 971 00:52:33,859 --> 00:52:35,566 Okay, I'll take care of the check. 972 00:52:35,861 --> 00:52:36,861 I better not. 973 00:52:36,945 --> 00:52:38,061 Why not? Go ahead. 974 00:52:38,364 --> 00:52:39,758 You might not be here when I get back. 975 00:52:39,782 --> 00:52:41,990 Of course I'd be here. Why wouldn't I be here? 976 00:52:42,284 --> 00:52:44,071 That's how Milton left me. 977 00:52:46,664 --> 00:52:48,155 I understand. 978 00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:53,496 IRIS: Are you still there? 979 00:52:53,796 --> 00:52:55,628 HUBBARD: I'm here, I swear. 980 00:52:55,923 --> 00:52:58,711 You're the first person who's ever done this for me. 981 00:52:59,009 --> 00:53:00,921 It's nothing. Honest. 982 00:53:01,220 --> 00:53:03,928 I'm crazy about you, Larry. 983 00:53:04,223 --> 00:53:05,885 I'm crazy about you, too, Iris. 984 00:53:12,314 --> 00:53:14,271 HUBBARD: We went back to my place 985 00:53:14,566 --> 00:53:16,979 and talked for two and a half hours, about everything. 986 00:53:17,277 --> 00:53:20,357 We found out we'd voted for exactly the same people in the last nine elections. 987 00:53:20,572 --> 00:53:23,565 We sang camp songs to each other. 988 00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:27,451 Then she got real romantic and said she wanted to get in bed with me. 989 00:53:27,746 --> 00:53:30,910 I was headed for the greatest night of my life. 990 00:53:31,208 --> 00:53:33,074 Except she wouldn't take off her clothes. 991 00:53:33,377 --> 00:53:34,377 Iris, please. 992 00:53:34,628 --> 00:53:35,788 It's not going to work, Larry. 993 00:53:36,004 --> 00:53:37,004 You're wrong for me. 994 00:53:37,131 --> 00:53:38,131 Why? 995 00:53:38,382 --> 00:53:41,250 Because you're so right for me. 996 00:53:41,552 --> 00:53:44,260 You're the most wonderful man I've ever known. 997 00:53:46,265 --> 00:53:51,101 If I let us get close, if I made that commitment, 998 00:53:51,395 --> 00:53:56,060 and you hurt me like the others, I couldn't handle it. 999 00:53:56,358 --> 00:53:57,599 Well, I would never hurt you. 1000 00:53:57,901 --> 00:54:00,234 I'm too terrified to take that chance. 1001 00:54:02,990 --> 00:54:06,074 I need someone 1002 00:54:06,368 --> 00:54:08,610 who I don't care a damn about. 1003 00:54:08,912 --> 00:54:10,904 Someone mean 1004 00:54:11,206 --> 00:54:15,416 and unfeeling and rotten. 1005 00:54:15,711 --> 00:54:18,499 Well, I could be that. Just give me a day or two to work on it. 1006 00:54:19,465 --> 00:54:21,252 No, darling. 1007 00:54:21,550 --> 00:54:24,588 (STAMMERING) Iris, look. I don't want to lose you! 1008 00:54:24,887 --> 00:54:26,924 I think you and I have something special. 1009 00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:28,929 I mean, sure, we have a few problems, 1010 00:54:29,224 --> 00:54:33,389 like not having sex, but we don't have to have sex. 1011 00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:35,394 There's plenty of other things we can do. 1012 00:54:35,689 --> 00:54:38,853 We can go to motels and listen to other people have sex. 1013 00:54:39,151 --> 00:54:41,188 It just wasn't meant to be, Larry. 1014 00:54:42,780 --> 00:54:45,443 But there's one thing I want you to know. 1015 00:54:45,741 --> 00:54:48,108 Even though we didn't do it, 1016 00:54:48,410 --> 00:54:50,402 you're the best I ever had. 1017 00:54:52,664 --> 00:54:54,326 (DOOR CLOSING) 1018 00:54:54,625 --> 00:54:55,866 The best what? 1019 00:55:03,133 --> 00:55:05,921 (RINGING) 1020 00:55:06,220 --> 00:55:09,258 IRIS: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) I love you. I'll always love you, 1021 00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:12,424 but I've gone away. Goodbye, my dearest. 1022 00:55:12,726 --> 00:55:16,060 At the sound of the beep, please try and forget me. 1023 00:55:16,355 --> 00:55:17,391 (BEEPING) 1024 00:55:29,618 --> 00:55:33,111 Quarter to 4:00. Maybe I'll take a nap or something. 1025 00:55:33,413 --> 00:55:34,904 I don't like to take naps. 1026 00:55:35,207 --> 00:55:37,244 I don't like to wake up more than once a day, 1027 00:55:37,543 --> 00:55:41,412 'cause when I first wake up, I get that shock of who I am, and everything. 1028 00:55:41,713 --> 00:55:44,251 I really don't like to do that more than once a day. 1029 00:55:46,134 --> 00:55:47,295 Yeah. 1030 00:55:54,518 --> 00:55:56,078 Hubbard, I've been wanting to talk to you 1031 00:55:56,353 --> 00:55:59,892 about some of the greetings you've been working on lately. 1032 00:56:00,190 --> 00:56:02,933 "Hi there, Grandpa. Happy Birthday to you. 1033 00:56:03,235 --> 00:56:04,897 "And if you live till next year, 1034 00:56:05,195 --> 00:56:07,403 "Happy Birthday then, too." 1035 00:56:07,698 --> 00:56:09,906 I've been a little preoccupied lately. 1036 00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:11,200 A little? 1037 00:56:15,539 --> 00:56:18,953 "Will you be my Valentine? Think about it a bit. 1038 00:56:19,251 --> 00:56:20,867 "If you will, that's okay. 1039 00:56:21,169 --> 00:56:23,536 "If not, who gives a shit?" 1040 00:56:26,717 --> 00:56:29,926 Mr. Hubbard is fired. 1041 00:56:32,264 --> 00:56:33,926 HUBBARD: One good thing about being fired, 1042 00:56:34,224 --> 00:56:36,181 it gave me time to work on my novel. 1043 00:56:36,476 --> 00:56:38,593 But that wasn't going so great either. 1044 00:56:41,189 --> 00:56:45,524 "Soon the primal fire began to burn in Lady Hookstraten's body. 1045 00:56:45,819 --> 00:56:48,653 "Her hips twitched and trembled, as each... 1046 00:56:48,947 --> 00:56:52,486 "fireball from Oliver's powerful cannon 1047 00:56:52,784 --> 00:56:54,491 "erupted like molten lava 1048 00:56:54,786 --> 00:56:57,119 "into the quivering mouth 1049 00:56:57,414 --> 00:57:01,249 "of her ever-fluttering love purse." 1050 00:57:10,135 --> 00:57:12,878 What do I know about Oliver Cromwell? 1051 00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:16,552 What do I know about love? 1052 00:57:18,644 --> 00:57:21,057 All I know about is lonely, 1053 00:57:21,355 --> 00:57:22,766 how to eat alone, 1054 00:57:23,065 --> 00:57:24,806 how to live alone. 1055 00:57:26,735 --> 00:57:28,977 That's all I know. 1056 00:58:03,021 --> 00:58:04,432 Damn wind. 1057 00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:19,026 HUBBARD: My book became an instant bestseller. 1058 00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:21,616 Lonely guys came out of the woodwork to get it. 1059 00:58:21,915 --> 00:58:23,872 There were more of us out there than I thought. 1060 00:58:24,167 --> 00:58:26,159 MAN: Mr. Hubbard, where did you get the idea 1061 00:58:26,461 --> 00:58:28,293 of writing a book about lonely guys? 1062 00:58:28,588 --> 00:58:31,205 I realized that everybody's a lonely guy at one time or another. 1063 00:58:31,508 --> 00:58:33,295 You can be married, and be a lonely guy. 1064 00:58:33,593 --> 00:58:36,381 You can be quarterback of a football team, and be a lonely guy. 1065 00:58:37,723 --> 00:58:39,385 Mr. Hubbard, I wanna thank you. 1066 00:58:39,683 --> 00:58:41,595 You've given hope to all of us. 1067 00:58:41,893 --> 00:58:42,974 Thanks. 1068 00:58:44,730 --> 00:58:47,894 Hi. Could you just put, "To Jimmy"? 1069 00:58:49,401 --> 00:58:52,894 Sure. 1070 00:58:53,196 --> 00:58:56,064 HUBBARD: Funny how a little thing like writing a number one bestseller 1071 00:58:56,366 --> 00:58:57,402 can change a guy's life. 1072 00:58:57,701 --> 00:58:59,033 (REWINDING) 1073 00:58:59,327 --> 00:59:01,114 (BEEPS) MAN: Hey, Larry, you're hot. 1074 00:59:01,413 --> 00:59:03,813 Griffin wants you on the West Coast as soon as he can get you. 1075 00:59:03,915 --> 00:59:05,595 And on the East Coast, Letterman wants you. 1076 00:59:05,834 --> 00:59:08,451 And, hey, we got a call from Playboy. 1077 00:59:08,754 --> 00:59:11,462 They want you to pose with the Bunny of the Month. 1078 00:59:11,757 --> 00:59:13,999 (LAUGHING) She thinks you're terrific. 1079 00:59:14,301 --> 00:59:16,941 Woof! Woof! You're her favorite writer. Oh, and, hey, what a looker. 1080 00:59:32,778 --> 00:59:35,020 "It looks like blonde bombshell Loni Anderson 1081 00:59:35,322 --> 00:59:38,815 "has turned Larry Hubbard into America's unloneliest lonely guy. 1082 00:59:39,117 --> 00:59:41,985 "It seems they haven't left Larry's West Side apartment in two weeks, 1083 00:59:42,287 --> 00:59:43,653 "and whatever they're doing there, 1084 00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:46,948 "we bet they're not collaborating on a new book." 1085 00:59:47,250 --> 00:59:48,866 Where do they get this trash? 1086 00:59:49,169 --> 00:59:50,169 Beats me. 1087 00:59:50,420 --> 00:59:51,420 I'm so glad we... 1088 00:59:51,588 --> 00:59:52,669 (APPLAUSE) 1089 00:59:52,964 --> 00:59:54,455 GRIFFIN: I wonder, Anita and Shotze, 1090 00:59:54,758 --> 00:59:57,000 if the European feelings are as strong as the Americans'? 1091 00:59:57,302 --> 00:59:59,885 ANITA: Well, speaking for myself, 1092 01:00:00,180 --> 01:00:03,423 I know that wealth, or fame, or social position, 1093 01:00:03,725 --> 01:00:08,595 have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I'm attracted to a man. 1094 01:00:08,897 --> 01:00:12,231 This is true. You should see some of the trash she goes out with. 1095 01:00:12,526 --> 01:00:15,018 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1096 01:00:15,320 --> 01:00:18,438 You know, it's true. I've found that I've been able to date women 1097 01:00:18,740 --> 01:00:21,580 who wouldn't have given me a second look before my book became a success. 1098 01:00:21,827 --> 01:00:24,285 But don't you see, Larry? Success changes a man. 1099 01:00:24,579 --> 01:00:27,538 It makes him confident, poised, self-assured. 1100 01:00:27,833 --> 01:00:30,166 And it's these new qualities in the man himself 1101 01:00:30,460 --> 01:00:32,372 that account for his newfound appeal. 1102 01:00:32,671 --> 01:00:34,151 Well, I guess that's what it is, then. 1103 01:00:34,422 --> 01:00:36,664 (MAKING BABY SOUNDS) 1104 01:00:36,967 --> 01:00:38,424 Aw... 1105 01:00:38,718 --> 01:00:42,007 ♪ Everybody loves my baby 1106 01:00:42,305 --> 01:00:48,051 ♪ But my baby don't love nobody but me 1107 01:00:48,353 --> 01:00:51,437 ♪ Nobody but me ♪ 1108 01:00:51,731 --> 01:00:54,144 Aw, gosh. I hate to interrupt. 1109 01:00:54,442 --> 01:00:57,059 It's all been so incredibly fascinating, 1110 01:00:57,362 --> 01:00:58,978 and entertaining, and instructive. 1111 01:00:59,281 --> 01:01:02,274 Really, the time has just flown by. 1112 01:01:02,576 --> 01:01:05,114 (APPLAUSE) The lovely Schneider twins, Anita and Shotze. 1113 01:01:05,412 --> 01:01:09,076 Ex-lonely guy, Larry Hubbard. 1114 01:01:09,374 --> 01:01:12,287 And Dr. Joyce Brothers. I can't thank you enough for being here. 1115 01:01:12,586 --> 01:01:14,543 You've made it a very special night for me. 1116 01:01:14,838 --> 01:01:17,751 And I hope we can all get together and do it again. 1117 01:01:18,049 --> 01:01:19,961 Thank you. Good night. 1118 01:01:20,260 --> 01:01:21,876 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 1119 01:01:47,621 --> 01:01:49,362 ♪ Everybody loves my... ♪ 1120 01:01:49,664 --> 01:01:51,530 GRIFFIN: Gosh, I hate to interrupt. 1121 01:01:51,833 --> 01:01:54,325 This has been all so incredibly fascinating 1122 01:01:54,628 --> 01:01:57,120 and entertaining and instructive. 1123 01:01:57,422 --> 01:01:59,163 Really, the time has just flown by. 1124 01:01:59,466 --> 01:02:02,334 I can't thank you all enough for being here. 1125 01:02:02,636 --> 01:02:04,878 You've made it a very special evening for me, 1126 01:02:05,180 --> 01:02:06,741 (ECHOING) and I hope we can all get together... 1127 01:02:06,765 --> 01:02:09,974 Oh, that was a very sweet gesture. Thank you. 1128 01:02:11,186 --> 01:02:12,552 (MOUTHING SILENTLY) 1129 01:02:18,235 --> 01:02:20,773 I wrote it all down on the napkin. 1130 01:02:21,071 --> 01:02:22,733 I know what you're going through. 1131 01:02:25,408 --> 01:02:28,116 Hi. Oh, it's you! My God, it's you! 1132 01:02:28,411 --> 01:02:30,403 I'm crazy about you, Larry. 1133 01:02:36,378 --> 01:02:37,914 (PIANO PLAYING) 1134 01:02:54,604 --> 01:02:58,644 ♪ You made me love you 1135 01:02:58,942 --> 01:03:00,934 ♪ You woke me up to do it ♪ 1136 01:03:01,236 --> 01:03:03,714 Excuse me. ...hasn't been around on the literary scene for years. 1137 01:03:03,738 --> 01:03:05,400 I've been staring at you all night. 1138 01:03:13,832 --> 01:03:16,074 WOMAN: The difference between an agent and a manager is, 1139 01:03:16,376 --> 01:03:18,333 with a manager, we have to be this family... 1140 01:03:18,628 --> 01:03:20,290 (VIDEO GAME BLEEPING) 1141 01:03:21,381 --> 01:03:22,667 Great party, Larry. 1142 01:03:22,966 --> 01:03:24,246 It's fun, isn't it? It really is. 1143 01:03:24,426 --> 01:03:25,426 Yeah. 1144 01:03:27,178 --> 01:03:28,214 (DOORBELL RINGING) 1145 01:03:28,513 --> 01:03:29,513 HUBBARD: Oh, excuse me. 1146 01:03:36,730 --> 01:03:38,767 You look great. Come on in. 1147 01:03:39,065 --> 01:03:42,103 No, you're busy. I'll come back another time. 1148 01:03:42,944 --> 01:03:44,060 No. 1149 01:03:44,362 --> 01:03:46,604 No, I've... I missed you. 1150 01:03:46,906 --> 01:03:49,273 Oh, I missed you. 1151 01:03:49,576 --> 01:03:52,444 I saw you on The Merv Griffin Show. 1152 01:03:52,746 --> 01:03:53,953 Oh, really? 1153 01:03:55,540 --> 01:03:57,953 I tried to stay away, but I couldn't. 1154 01:03:58,251 --> 01:03:59,913 I wanted you so much. 1155 01:04:02,213 --> 01:04:03,795 (SIGHS) 1156 01:04:05,425 --> 01:04:07,417 Danielle. Larry. 1157 01:04:08,428 --> 01:04:09,428 Danielle. 1158 01:04:09,679 --> 01:04:10,965 Larry? 1159 01:04:11,264 --> 01:04:13,551 Oh, Iris, Danielle. Danielle, Iris. 1160 01:04:14,559 --> 01:04:15,766 Larry. 1161 01:04:16,061 --> 01:04:17,268 Danielle? 1162 01:04:17,562 --> 01:04:18,894 Larry? Iris! 1163 01:04:19,731 --> 01:04:20,847 Larry! 1164 01:04:21,149 --> 01:04:22,515 (WHISPERING) Danielle. 1165 01:04:22,817 --> 01:04:24,103 Larry! Iris! 1166 01:04:24,402 --> 01:04:25,438 Danielle? 1167 01:04:25,737 --> 01:04:26,737 Iris. 1168 01:04:37,707 --> 01:04:40,074 The incinerator's down the steps. 1169 01:04:41,419 --> 01:04:42,580 Iris? 1170 01:04:42,879 --> 01:04:44,040 Larry! 1171 01:04:53,348 --> 01:04:55,305 IRIS: I'm so glad you sent everyone home. 1172 01:04:55,600 --> 01:04:57,160 HUBBARD: Do you think it was too abrupt? 1173 01:04:57,185 --> 01:04:59,723 I didn't think you'd remember my phone number. 1174 01:05:02,816 --> 01:05:03,932 (MOANS) 1175 01:05:04,234 --> 01:05:06,817 It feels so good next to your body. 1176 01:05:07,112 --> 01:05:09,775 Your feet are so warm. 1177 01:05:10,073 --> 01:05:12,065 Can I take my socks off now? 1178 01:05:12,367 --> 01:05:14,199 Please. 1179 01:05:14,494 --> 01:05:17,202 Sure. I just didn't know if you wanted to go all the way or not. 1180 01:05:25,547 --> 01:05:27,083 (GIGGLING) 1181 01:05:32,512 --> 01:05:34,469 HUBBARD: (MOANING) Oh, Iris. 1182 01:05:35,598 --> 01:05:36,714 Oh, my God, Iris. 1183 01:05:37,851 --> 01:05:40,184 I don't believe it. 1184 01:05:40,478 --> 01:05:42,398 I didn't believe something like this was possible. 1185 01:05:42,522 --> 01:05:45,014 Oh, my God, Iris. 1186 01:05:45,316 --> 01:05:47,057 Have you started yet, Larry? 1187 01:05:48,319 --> 01:05:50,151 Of course I've started. 1188 01:05:50,447 --> 01:05:52,800 What did you think all the "Oh, my God, Iris," was all about? 1189 01:05:52,824 --> 01:05:53,824 I'm sorry. 1190 01:05:54,033 --> 01:05:55,365 I'm inexperienced. 1191 01:05:55,660 --> 01:05:57,380 I know that sounds crazy, with six husbands, 1192 01:05:57,662 --> 01:06:01,622 but, you see, I've never had a... You know what. 1193 01:06:01,916 --> 01:06:03,657 You mean an orgasm? 1194 01:06:03,960 --> 01:06:05,917 I didn't wanna talk dirty. 1195 01:06:06,212 --> 01:06:09,376 None of them ever seemed to care if I ever had them or not. 1196 01:06:09,674 --> 01:06:13,588 Well, I care. Look, um, I'll let you know. 1197 01:06:13,887 --> 01:06:15,173 Whenever you have one, 1198 01:06:15,472 --> 01:06:17,134 I'll let you know about it. 1199 01:06:17,432 --> 01:06:21,426 Oh, you are so sweet, Larry. I appreciate that. 1200 01:06:21,728 --> 01:06:24,345 Well, after all, I think it's the man's responsibility to... 1201 01:06:24,647 --> 01:06:26,104 Oh! There goes one! 1202 01:06:27,775 --> 01:06:29,061 You just had one. I did? 1203 01:06:29,360 --> 01:06:30,560 Yeah, sure. Didn't you feel it? 1204 01:06:30,737 --> 01:06:32,353 Well, in what part of the body? 1205 01:06:32,655 --> 01:06:34,592 Well, I just can't blurt out in what part of the body. 1206 01:06:34,616 --> 01:06:35,616 Oh. 1207 01:06:35,700 --> 01:06:36,941 There goes another one! 1208 01:06:37,243 --> 01:06:38,825 Oh, God, they're happening so quickly. 1209 01:06:39,120 --> 01:06:41,077 Well, you have to be ready for them. 1210 01:06:41,372 --> 01:06:43,392 Sometimes they go by when you're just talking, or clearing your throat. 1211 01:06:43,416 --> 01:06:45,578 You are so experienced, Larry. 1212 01:06:45,877 --> 01:06:49,291 I never realized a lonely guy could be so experienced. 1213 01:06:49,589 --> 01:06:53,299 Well, this isn't the first time that... There goes another one! 1214 01:06:53,593 --> 01:06:57,928 I think I felt that one. It felt like a tiny little hiccup. 1215 01:06:58,223 --> 01:07:00,806 Uh, I think that was a hiccup. 1216 01:07:01,100 --> 01:07:03,057 Maybe they're coming from your side of the bed. 1217 01:07:03,353 --> 01:07:05,473 Let's change sides, 'cause I don't wanna miss any more. 1218 01:07:05,688 --> 01:07:07,429 Yeah, yeah. Maybe. 1219 01:07:07,732 --> 01:07:08,893 Whoa! 1220 01:07:09,651 --> 01:07:10,651 What? 1221 01:07:10,902 --> 01:07:12,109 Oh, nothing. 1222 01:07:12,403 --> 01:07:13,564 I missed another one? 1223 01:07:13,863 --> 01:07:15,775 Just the biggest one so far, that's all. 1224 01:07:16,074 --> 01:07:17,940 Oh, God! Excuse me. 1225 01:07:18,243 --> 01:07:19,859 (SNEEZING) Oh! 1226 01:07:20,161 --> 01:07:22,323 Oh! Oh, Larry. 1227 01:07:22,622 --> 01:07:24,454 I think I felt one. You did? 1228 01:07:24,749 --> 01:07:26,957 Uh-huh. Right when you sneezed. 1229 01:07:27,252 --> 01:07:28,959 Oh. And gesundheit. Thank... 1230 01:07:29,254 --> 01:07:31,621 (SNEEZING) Oh! Oh! 1231 01:07:31,923 --> 01:07:34,006 Oh, I felt it again. Twice. You did? 1232 01:07:34,300 --> 01:07:36,508 Yes. It was wonderful. 1233 01:07:36,803 --> 01:07:38,385 Oh, gesundheit. Gesundheit. 1234 01:07:39,764 --> 01:07:41,096 Do you think you could 1235 01:07:41,975 --> 01:07:43,216 sneeze again? 1236 01:07:43,518 --> 01:07:46,886 I don't know. I'll try. Aaah-choo! 1237 01:07:47,188 --> 01:07:49,145 Oh! Oh, yes. 1238 01:07:49,440 --> 01:07:50,897 Yes. Gesundheit. 1239 01:07:51,192 --> 01:07:52,192 (MOANS) 1240 01:07:52,402 --> 01:07:55,270 Aaah-choo! Aaah-choo! 1241 01:07:55,572 --> 01:07:58,986 Oh, I never dreamed it could be like this. Oh, gesundheit. 1242 01:07:59,284 --> 01:08:02,027 (BOTH MOANING) 1243 01:08:04,831 --> 01:08:05,831 Aaah-choo! 1244 01:08:05,999 --> 01:08:06,999 (EXCLAIMS) 1245 01:08:07,292 --> 01:08:08,624 Oh, you're magnificent. 1246 01:08:08,918 --> 01:08:10,159 Oh, gesundheit. 1247 01:08:10,461 --> 01:08:11,689 Aaah-choo, aaah-choo, aaah-choo, aaah-choo! 1248 01:08:11,713 --> 01:08:13,705 No, Larry, no more. I mean it. 1249 01:08:14,007 --> 01:08:17,091 Stop, or I'll go mad with pleasure. 1250 01:08:17,385 --> 01:08:19,843 Oh, thank you, thank you. 1251 01:08:20,138 --> 01:08:22,596 Oh, Iris, I love you. 1252 01:08:22,890 --> 01:08:24,631 I love you too, Larry. 1253 01:08:28,146 --> 01:08:29,978 (CRYING) 1254 01:08:36,446 --> 01:08:38,233 Why are you crying? 1255 01:08:38,531 --> 01:08:41,740 Because it's so hopeless. 1256 01:08:43,536 --> 01:08:45,903 But everything was so good. 1257 01:08:46,205 --> 01:08:49,994 Exactly. See, I was afraid of getting involved with you 1258 01:08:50,293 --> 01:08:52,956 because I couldn't face the possibility of losing you. 1259 01:08:53,254 --> 01:08:55,746 So, how do you think I feel now that I found out 1260 01:08:56,049 --> 01:08:58,792 you're not only a great guy, but that 1261 01:08:59,093 --> 01:09:01,551 you're the best goddamn lover in the world? 1262 01:09:02,472 --> 01:09:03,508 I'm going. 1263 01:09:03,806 --> 01:09:05,968 Iris, look. You're just upset. 1264 01:09:06,267 --> 01:09:08,347 Let me take you home. You'll get a good night's sleep, 1265 01:09:08,436 --> 01:09:09,913 and we'll talk about it in the morning, okay? 1266 01:09:09,937 --> 01:09:11,644 No, Larry, I'll get a cab. 1267 01:09:11,939 --> 01:09:14,397 And there's no point in calling me in the morning. 1268 01:09:14,692 --> 01:09:15,853 I won't be there. 1269 01:09:19,113 --> 01:09:20,570 (DOOR SLAMMING) 1270 01:09:22,909 --> 01:09:24,400 (SNEEZES) 1271 01:09:24,702 --> 01:09:26,238 (IRIS MOANING) 1272 01:09:31,084 --> 01:09:32,916 (SHIP'S HORN BLOWING) 1273 01:09:35,713 --> 01:09:39,457 HUBBARD: Well, that did it. I knew I had to get out of town for a while. 1274 01:09:39,759 --> 01:09:42,251 So, I booked myself on one of those cruises. 1275 01:09:42,553 --> 01:09:46,172 I figured it might give me a chance to get away from everyone I knew. 1276 01:09:46,474 --> 01:09:48,887 Of course, in the first three hours, I met my accountant, 1277 01:09:49,185 --> 01:09:52,804 my plumber, my postman, even Jack was there. 1278 01:09:53,106 --> 01:09:55,223 He'd just broken up with Verna and Frieda, 1279 01:09:55,525 --> 01:09:59,269 and I guess he was looking for more girls to add to his collection. 1280 01:09:59,570 --> 01:10:04,110 He waved me over, but I just wasn't interested in meeting other women. 1281 01:10:04,409 --> 01:10:06,742 I just couldn't get my mind off Iris. 1282 01:10:09,622 --> 01:10:13,741 Excuse me, sir. Are you Mr. Larry Hubbard? 1283 01:10:14,043 --> 01:10:15,124 Yes, I am. 1284 01:10:18,881 --> 01:10:22,966 Uh, this dog, it came aboard just before we sailed. Your name was on his collar. 1285 01:10:23,261 --> 01:10:26,880 Hey, good boy! What a good dog! 1286 01:10:27,181 --> 01:10:29,218 And this note is for you, sir. 1287 01:10:30,893 --> 01:10:32,259 It's from a young lady. 1288 01:10:33,187 --> 01:10:34,428 Thank you. 1289 01:10:36,816 --> 01:10:39,684 IRIS: Dear Larry, just heard we're on the same ship. 1290 01:10:39,986 --> 01:10:42,103 I'll be at the Masquerade Ball tomorrow night. 1291 01:10:42,405 --> 01:10:44,613 I hope we'll run into each other. 1292 01:10:44,907 --> 01:10:47,320 I think we should talk. Iris. 1293 01:10:48,369 --> 01:10:49,951 Iris. 1294 01:10:50,246 --> 01:10:51,362 She's here. 1295 01:10:53,332 --> 01:10:54,332 Yahoo! 1296 01:10:54,542 --> 01:10:55,749 (BARKING) 1297 01:10:57,503 --> 01:10:58,539 (SPLASH) 1298 01:10:58,838 --> 01:11:00,500 Oh, sorry, fella! 1299 01:11:10,475 --> 01:11:12,387 (DOWNTOWN PLAYING) 1300 01:12:04,862 --> 01:12:05,862 Hello, Iris. 1301 01:12:06,113 --> 01:12:07,113 Hello, Larry. 1302 01:12:08,991 --> 01:12:10,152 Terrific costume. 1303 01:12:12,328 --> 01:12:15,912 Larry, I want to apologize for the way I behaved. 1304 01:12:16,207 --> 01:12:17,948 I was wrong. 1305 01:12:18,251 --> 01:12:21,665 You don't have to apologize as long as we're together. 1306 01:12:21,963 --> 01:12:26,458 Oh, no, Larry. I was wrong to let it go as far as it did. 1307 01:12:26,759 --> 01:12:29,467 I knew from the beginning it would never work. 1308 01:12:29,762 --> 01:12:31,469 I love you too much. 1309 01:12:34,058 --> 01:12:38,519 Iris, do you think you're the only one who's afraid of falling in love? 1310 01:12:38,813 --> 01:12:40,999 Do you think you're the only one who's afraid of being hurt? 1311 01:12:41,023 --> 01:12:42,389 Do you think I'm not? 1312 01:12:42,692 --> 01:12:45,275 I'm terrified. But you've got to be willing 1313 01:12:45,570 --> 01:12:48,734 to feel a little pain, or you'll never feel any joy. 1314 01:12:49,031 --> 01:12:51,239 JACK: Hi, Larry. Hi, Jack. 1315 01:12:51,534 --> 01:12:53,387 I mean, you kept coming back to me, for the joy, not because you were feeling pain. 1316 01:12:53,411 --> 01:12:55,949 Hey, hey, aren't you gonna introduce me? Jack, Iris. 1317 01:12:56,247 --> 01:12:58,327 Hi. I'm not saying I'll be the only guy for you, ever. 1318 01:12:58,457 --> 01:13:00,602 You might meet somebody in five years that you like better. 1319 01:13:00,626 --> 01:13:02,466 Kind of looks like we were meant for each other. 1320 01:13:08,092 --> 01:13:09,549 Oh, my. 1321 01:13:09,844 --> 01:13:12,131 Hey, hey, don't the girls look terrific tonight, Jack? 1322 01:13:12,430 --> 01:13:15,673 The seven deadly sins! Whoa! What a clever idea! 1323 01:13:15,975 --> 01:13:16,975 Girls? What girls? 1324 01:13:17,268 --> 01:13:18,804 The girls! Your girls, Jack. 1325 01:13:19,103 --> 01:13:21,595 Inga, Helga, Olga, Minga, Fritzy... 1326 01:13:21,898 --> 01:13:23,810 I guess my eyesight is failing, 1327 01:13:24,108 --> 01:13:27,272 'cause as far as I can see, there's only one woman in this whole room. 1328 01:13:31,282 --> 01:13:32,443 Shall we? 1329 01:13:45,254 --> 01:13:48,747 JACK: ♪ I'm in the mood for love 1330 01:13:50,801 --> 01:13:54,715 ♪ Simply because you're near me 1331 01:13:57,016 --> 01:14:00,600 ♪ Funny but when you're near me 1332 01:14:02,688 --> 01:14:05,772 ♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪ 1333 01:14:07,652 --> 01:14:09,860 (SHIP'S HORN BLOWING) 1334 01:14:22,208 --> 01:14:23,744 How you doing, guy? 1335 01:14:24,835 --> 01:14:25,835 Thirsty? 1336 01:14:27,463 --> 01:14:28,749 There you go. 1337 01:14:29,048 --> 01:14:32,166 The guy's 46. Dropped dead. 1338 01:14:32,468 --> 01:14:35,427 Heart attack? Natural causes. 1339 01:14:35,721 --> 01:14:37,383 You know, I think I'm getting that. 1340 01:14:37,682 --> 01:14:39,799 Here you go. That's a good guy. That's a good guy. 1341 01:14:40,101 --> 01:14:41,308 What did you have for lunch? 1342 01:14:41,602 --> 01:14:42,602 Tuna. 1343 01:14:42,728 --> 01:14:43,728 Toast? Yeah. 1344 01:14:43,813 --> 01:14:44,813 White? Rye. 1345 01:14:44,939 --> 01:14:45,975 Good? Yeah. 1346 01:14:46,273 --> 01:14:47,639 Sounds good. Yeah, it was. 1347 01:14:47,942 --> 01:14:48,978 There you go. 1348 01:14:49,276 --> 01:14:51,984 Here's a guy, 33. Brick fell on his head. 1349 01:14:52,279 --> 01:14:55,272 Hey, I want you to see this new cassette I got. 1350 01:14:57,368 --> 01:14:58,779 WARREN: I can't stay much longer. 1351 01:14:59,078 --> 01:15:00,078 Just watch this. 1352 01:15:00,329 --> 01:15:02,412 Oh, nice. Very nice. 1353 01:15:07,169 --> 01:15:08,785 We don't have to watch the whole thing. 1354 01:15:09,088 --> 01:15:10,088 Does something happen? 1355 01:15:10,256 --> 01:15:11,542 No. 1356 01:15:14,927 --> 01:15:18,011 Whoa! Jack is marrying Iris! 1357 01:15:18,305 --> 01:15:20,672 Yeah, I know. 1358 01:15:20,975 --> 01:15:23,592 Hard to imagine any woman falling in love with Jack. 1359 01:15:23,894 --> 01:15:25,430 She doesn't love Jack, she loves me. 1360 01:15:25,730 --> 01:15:27,471 That's why she's marrying him. 1361 01:15:28,524 --> 01:15:29,685 Uh-huh. 1362 01:15:31,068 --> 01:15:33,276 Well, whatever. 1363 01:15:37,366 --> 01:15:40,575 I better get going. I'm defrosting my refrigerator. 1364 01:15:40,870 --> 01:15:43,658 That water's gonna get all over the floor. 1365 01:15:43,956 --> 01:15:45,596 I'll watch that fish staring another time. 1366 01:15:45,833 --> 01:15:47,165 Okay. 1367 01:15:47,460 --> 01:15:49,062 Give you a call later, maybe we'll do something. 1368 01:15:49,086 --> 01:15:51,248 I'm kind of tired. I think I'll stay in tonight. 1369 01:15:51,547 --> 01:15:53,129 Yeah, me, too. 1370 01:15:53,424 --> 01:15:55,290 Yeah. Well, take care. 1371 01:15:55,593 --> 01:15:57,459 Okay. I'll see you. Yeah. 1372 01:15:57,762 --> 01:15:58,762 So long. So long. 1373 01:16:19,992 --> 01:16:24,657 Back. Side. And front. And other side. And three. 1374 01:16:26,999 --> 01:16:28,740 ...nautical science. 1375 01:16:29,043 --> 01:16:30,705 Makes a balloon go up. 1376 01:16:37,093 --> 01:16:38,925 WOMAN: Right this way, officer. 1377 01:16:44,308 --> 01:16:46,800 When did you find him? This morning. 1378 01:16:47,103 --> 01:16:48,344 Wife? No. 1379 01:16:48,646 --> 01:16:49,646 Kids? 1380 01:16:49,814 --> 01:16:50,850 No. 1381 01:16:51,148 --> 01:16:52,889 Close friends? No. 1382 01:16:53,192 --> 01:16:54,586 (QUICKLY)No friends, no wife, no children. 1383 01:16:54,610 --> 01:16:56,130 Just ferns, dog, cardboard cutouts, TV. 1384 01:16:56,403 --> 01:16:58,090 Well-behaved, quiet, no parties, perfect tenant. 1385 01:16:58,114 --> 01:16:59,874 Been dead for five days, nobody even noticed. 1386 01:17:00,366 --> 01:17:02,358 I'll take care of it. 1387 01:17:02,660 --> 01:17:05,198 WOMAN: Wish I had more tenants like him. 1388 01:17:11,252 --> 01:17:12,914 Oh, heavy. 1389 01:17:13,212 --> 01:17:15,499 I don't believe what people are throwing away today. 1390 01:17:15,798 --> 01:17:16,798 I hear ya. 1391 01:17:35,734 --> 01:17:37,316 (RAPID BREATHING) 1392 01:17:40,823 --> 01:17:41,939 No! 1393 01:17:45,369 --> 01:17:46,369 No! 1394 01:17:47,454 --> 01:17:48,535 No! 1395 01:17:48,831 --> 01:17:50,072 No! 1396 01:18:01,135 --> 01:18:03,627 First Lutheran Church in Queens. As soon as possible. 1397 01:18:03,929 --> 01:18:05,045 CABBIE: All right. 1398 01:18:11,645 --> 01:18:13,056 What's the matter? 1399 01:18:13,355 --> 01:18:15,235 Hey, first time ever. A traffic jam in New York. 1400 01:18:15,316 --> 01:18:17,103 (HONKING) 1401 01:18:21,280 --> 01:18:22,280 God! 1402 01:18:28,704 --> 01:18:29,865 Thanks. 1403 01:18:36,962 --> 01:18:38,498 Oh, hey, watch out! 1404 01:18:49,183 --> 01:18:50,924 Hey! What's he doing? 1405 01:18:55,189 --> 01:18:56,600 (HORN BLARES) 1406 01:19:03,155 --> 01:19:04,441 (HONKING) 1407 01:19:23,884 --> 01:19:25,341 How long is it between trains? 1408 01:19:25,636 --> 01:19:26,636 About 15 minutes. 1409 01:19:26,929 --> 01:19:28,170 Oh! That's too long! 1410 01:19:28,472 --> 01:19:29,508 Write a letter. 1411 01:19:45,364 --> 01:19:46,964 DRIVER: Hey, get the hell out of the way! 1412 01:19:47,074 --> 01:19:48,485 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1413 01:19:50,035 --> 01:19:51,617 All right. Pull over, mac! Pull over. 1414 01:19:51,912 --> 01:19:53,198 (BLOWING WHISTLE) 1415 01:19:53,497 --> 01:19:55,284 (SIREN BLARING) 1416 01:19:55,582 --> 01:19:56,851 Hey, you ran a traffic light back there, mister. Now pull over! 1417 01:19:56,875 --> 01:19:58,867 Look, I got... Pull over! 1418 01:19:59,169 --> 01:20:01,523 Look, Officer, if I don't get to 31st Street in four and a half minutes, 1419 01:20:01,547 --> 01:20:03,707 the only girl I ever loved is gonna marry somebody else. 1420 01:20:03,757 --> 01:20:07,046 I was in love once. But you're gonna need an escort. Follow me! 1421 01:20:08,053 --> 01:20:09,294 (BLOWING WHISTLE) 1422 01:20:12,599 --> 01:20:14,261 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1423 01:20:20,733 --> 01:20:22,315 Come on, mac. Come on! 1424 01:20:27,740 --> 01:20:29,823 Stay close, now. Everything is gonna be all right. 1425 01:20:30,117 --> 01:20:31,117 Stay close. 1426 01:20:33,370 --> 01:20:36,954 OFFICER: All right. It's gonna be right over here. 1427 01:20:37,249 --> 01:20:38,249 Right there! Right there! 1428 01:20:38,459 --> 01:20:39,579 HUBBARD: Thank you, Officer. 1429 01:20:39,626 --> 01:20:40,626 Good luck. 1430 01:20:46,425 --> 01:20:48,963 MINISTER:...to be your lawfully wedded husband, 1431 01:20:49,261 --> 01:20:51,628 to love, honor and cherish 1432 01:20:51,930 --> 01:20:53,091 in sickness and in health, 1433 01:20:53,390 --> 01:20:54,801 as long as you both shall live? 1434 01:20:55,100 --> 01:20:56,557 No, wait, don't do this! 1435 01:20:56,852 --> 01:20:58,844 I know you think this is the easy way out, 1436 01:20:59,146 --> 01:21:01,388 the safe thing to do. 1437 01:21:01,690 --> 01:21:03,602 But didn't you just hear those words? 1438 01:21:03,901 --> 01:21:06,314 To love, honor and cherish. 1439 01:21:06,612 --> 01:21:10,982 You don't love this man! You don't honor him! You don't cherish him! 1440 01:21:11,283 --> 01:21:14,492 You know in your heart, you know you were meant for something better. 1441 01:21:14,787 --> 01:21:18,201 Listen to your heart. This man is not for you. 1442 01:21:18,499 --> 01:21:20,456 Don't go through with this! 1443 01:21:23,587 --> 01:21:24,587 He's right! 1444 01:21:24,838 --> 01:21:25,874 What? Allison... 1445 01:21:26,173 --> 01:21:27,505 MAN: Who is that guy? 1446 01:21:27,800 --> 01:21:29,444 Is this the First Lutheran? No, Third Methodist. 1447 01:21:29,468 --> 01:21:30,468 God! 1448 01:21:36,767 --> 01:21:38,599 (APPLAUSE) 1449 01:21:39,645 --> 01:21:40,806 (CHEERING) 1450 01:21:47,861 --> 01:21:48,861 God! 1451 01:22:28,402 --> 01:22:30,439 Isn't it romantic? 1452 01:22:30,737 --> 01:22:33,104 Having our honeymoon on the same ship where we met? 1453 01:22:34,491 --> 01:22:35,823 What? 1454 01:22:36,118 --> 01:22:37,118 I said, 1455 01:22:37,327 --> 01:22:39,319 ♪ Isn't it romantic 1456 01:22:39,621 --> 01:22:40,828 ♪ Merely to be young 1457 01:22:41,123 --> 01:22:42,659 ♪ On such a night as this 1458 01:22:43,876 --> 01:22:46,209 ♪ Isn't it romantic 1459 01:22:46,503 --> 01:22:51,373 ♪ Every note that's sung is like a lover's kiss ♪ 1460 01:22:51,675 --> 01:22:55,043 I'm going to wash, my dear. 1461 01:22:55,345 --> 01:22:58,554 And I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. 1462 01:22:58,849 --> 01:23:01,182 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, too? 1463 01:23:02,269 --> 01:23:03,510 Like the sheets. 1464 01:23:04,354 --> 01:23:05,354 (GROWLS) 1465 01:23:05,606 --> 01:23:06,767 (CHUCKLES) 1466 01:23:09,735 --> 01:23:11,192 (SNEEZES) 1467 01:23:11,487 --> 01:23:12,603 Oh, geez. 1468 01:23:14,031 --> 01:23:16,774 Could you sneeze again? 1469 01:23:17,075 --> 01:23:18,111 (SNEEZES) 1470 01:23:24,208 --> 01:23:28,077 Uh, what's your name? Where do you live? Could I call you sometime? 1471 01:23:33,008 --> 01:23:35,170 I want you to know, 1472 01:23:35,469 --> 01:23:38,469 that whatever feelings of pain you might have, I want to share them with you. 1473 01:23:44,186 --> 01:23:46,386 You think you're the only one who's afraid of being hurt? 1474 01:23:46,605 --> 01:23:47,686 You think I'm not? 1475 01:23:47,981 --> 01:23:50,018 I'm terrified. 1476 01:23:50,317 --> 01:23:52,277 But you've gotta be willing to feel a little pain, 1477 01:23:52,444 --> 01:23:54,276 or you'll never feel any joy. 1478 01:24:32,192 --> 01:24:33,192 WARREN: Larry. 1479 01:24:36,071 --> 01:24:37,107 Hi, Warren. 1480 01:24:38,740 --> 01:24:40,231 Aw, Larry. 1481 01:24:43,829 --> 01:24:45,661 MAN: Help! 1482 01:24:47,332 --> 01:24:48,332 (SPLASH) 1483 01:24:48,542 --> 01:24:50,249 It changes, Larry. 1484 01:24:50,544 --> 01:24:52,772 It's not always gonna be like this. It really does change. 1485 01:24:52,796 --> 01:24:55,664 It may not feel like it, but things change. 1486 01:24:55,966 --> 01:24:59,425 Sure. What about you, Warren? 1487 01:24:59,720 --> 01:25:02,007 Has it changed for you? Yes. 1488 01:25:02,306 --> 01:25:03,422 It has? Yes. 1489 01:25:04,433 --> 01:25:05,433 How? 1490 01:25:07,436 --> 01:25:08,677 I've met someone. 1491 01:25:08,979 --> 01:25:10,470 You have? 1492 01:25:10,772 --> 01:25:11,979 We're very happy. 1493 01:25:12,274 --> 01:25:14,391 Aw, that's really great, Warren. 1494 01:25:18,405 --> 01:25:22,240 Oh, God, why can't I be happy like Warren? 1495 01:25:23,744 --> 01:25:27,658 Oh, Iris. We were so close! 1496 01:25:27,956 --> 01:25:30,619 I could have made you happy, I know it. 1497 01:25:30,917 --> 01:25:33,284 If only fate could have played a helping hand. 1498 01:25:33,587 --> 01:25:35,499 (SCREAMING) 1499 01:25:35,797 --> 01:25:38,540 Iris! Larry, what luck! 1500 01:25:39,635 --> 01:25:41,171 Why were you jumping? 1501 01:25:41,470 --> 01:25:43,883 I was unhappy from the moment I said, "I do." 1502 01:25:44,181 --> 01:25:46,138 Oh, Larry, I love you. 1503 01:25:46,433 --> 01:25:49,301 I finally realized I can't live without you. 1504 01:25:49,603 --> 01:25:51,560 Oh, Iris, I love you so much. 1505 01:25:54,191 --> 01:25:55,307 (SNEEZES) 1506 01:25:55,609 --> 01:25:57,851 Oh, my God. That was a blast. 1507 01:25:59,863 --> 01:26:01,729 Oh. Hi, Warren. Hi. 1508 01:26:05,661 --> 01:26:07,421 HUBBARD: It's really a great night, isn't it? 1509 01:26:07,537 --> 01:26:09,182 IRIS: I just wanna go home and be sneezed at. 1510 01:26:09,206 --> 01:26:10,206 Hey, Iris... (SCREAMING) 1511 01:26:10,415 --> 01:26:11,495 Warren said he met somebody. 1512 01:26:11,667 --> 01:26:13,784 Really, that's great, Warren. 1513 01:26:14,086 --> 01:26:15,086 Who is she? 1514 01:26:15,379 --> 01:26:16,665 Well, I told her to meet me here. 1515 01:26:16,963 --> 01:26:18,670 WOMAN: Warren! 1516 01:26:18,965 --> 01:26:21,457 Oh, here she is now. Over here, honey. 1517 01:26:25,931 --> 01:26:27,047 Hi, Warren. 1518 01:26:27,349 --> 01:26:28,556 WARREN: Hi, honey. 1519 01:26:28,850 --> 01:26:30,762 You see, sometimes, when two people meet, 1520 01:26:31,061 --> 01:26:32,472 it's really the human will, 1521 01:26:32,771 --> 01:26:35,889 quietly, subconsciously engineering its own destiny. 1522 01:26:37,859 --> 01:26:39,145 She's great, isn't she? 1523 01:26:40,362 --> 01:26:42,274 Hey, look at the four of us. 1524 01:26:42,572 --> 01:26:44,384 You know, I just can't think of a more perfect ending than this. 1525 01:26:44,408 --> 01:26:45,408 IRIS: I can't either. 1526 01:26:45,492 --> 01:26:46,778 (DOG BARKING) 1527 01:26:48,370 --> 01:26:51,204 Hey, look at this guy! Come here! 1528 01:26:51,498 --> 01:26:52,498 Look at him. 1529 01:26:56,795 --> 01:26:58,457 Come on. Come on. There we go!