For one thoUsand centUries...
the Falafel family has ruled the deserts with one thing:
Speed!
We have the fastest camels and the fastest horses!
Now, dUe to...
...you know what...
...we have the fastest planes...
...the fastest boats and the fastest cars!
Except for one: yours!
Last year I sent yoU to America for one simple task.
So simple.
To emblazon the Falafel name as the fastest in the world
by winning the Cannonball Run.
And yoU .. . failed!
A thousand thanks! - But Lion of the deserts...
...King of Kings...
...Pop! - No excUses, you son of my ugliest wife!
A thousand thanks!
How come you have a blond, blue-eyed slave, hm?
He's an actor. Hasn't had a series in seven years.
Nine!
Two thoUsand thanks! - l know I didn't win, Pop.
I was sick. My ulcer...
I order yoU back to America...
...to win the Cannonball RUn!
I give yoU one Iast chance, because...
...you are my only son with a driver's Iicense.
BUt Pop, there is no Cannonball Run this year. - So?
BUy one. - Of course!
Couple of wise guys behind us. - SIow down. Let's see how ballsy they are.
Wow! What a coUple of great-Iooking chicks! - So much for boredom! - Let's nail 'em!
Wise broads. - They can't oUtrun the radio.
Charlie, you got one heading yoUr way. You'Il see it in about three minutes.
You're three minUtes are up! Man, a coUple of great-Iooking chicks!
Road's straight as an arrow. I can see for five miles. Wonder where they are?
Don't panic. JUst watch the side roads for dUst. No way they can shake us.
You heard me? I think we Iost 'em. - How can you lose a white Lamborghini
with two chicks in the middle of nowhere? - What is this? A pUiz? We Iost 'em, okay?
Haha. I jUst foUnd 'em, son. This here's the end of the hunt.
Good lUck, buddy!
FigUre, they gotta be between Us. JUst pUII out and block the damn' road.
You got any other bright ideas?
I'm eastbound in pursUit of a white Lamborghini.
This is not a recording.
Hey, thanks for the hose job!
If l tell yoU boys something, yoU won't think I've been drinking, will ya?
The white Lamborghini is vanished, but there's a red one behind me honking its horn.
Correction! It's passing me, and it's got two great-Iooking chicks in it!
You know Marcie, we've got this routine down. - Yeah, I think we're ready for the Cannonball.
Oh yeah, l think so. How far is Redondo Beach?
1 50 miles. - Hm, an hour flat.
What are we waiting for? Let's go!
Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the fifth annual Madera air show.
The greatest, most sensational gathering of stunt pilots and daredevils in the US.
Displays of flying and coUrage like you've never seen before...
...concluding with the most death-defying stUnt of them all:
The human Bomb! So grab yoUr kids, grab yoUr hats.
The festivities will begin shortly!
Are yoU sUre this is a good idea, J .J.?
A good idea?
We're gonna get so rich. - Rich? - Rich!
We're gonna split everything 50I50 right down the middle. We're partners!
Partners? - YoU bet. We're friends, aren't we? - Partners and friends.
And we're gonna be rich. - Rich partners and friends. - That's right!
What if something goes wrong? - What could go wrong?
We've got the ace dive bomber pilot from World War I l .
Dive bomber? - Oh yeah. He'II Iet you go right oUt of the plane...
...with this. And you'll go right through that target. - Target? - Right throUgh...
...and into a net, strong net. . . - Net?
And if you go through the net, then you'II land in some hay. l mean, so mUch hay
you coUId feed all the cattle in Texas. - What am I worried about?
Nothing! Are yoU crazy? - l'm so glad yoU're IaUghing.
He can't miss! He can't miss! I bless yoU. You will not miss.
J .J., l'm still scared. - YoU're still scared? - Yeah.
Well, if you're scared, you coUId always have "him" do it.
"Him" doesn't come Unless there's grave danger to hUman Iife.
Right...
You oughta call "him".
Hello, this is Jack Smith.
We've broUght our cameras to record for our 30 million viewers a vintage dive bomber,
flying on a simUIated attack run, drop a human bomb.
A man encased in steel, risking Iife and limb,
hurtling to the groUnd at 1 40 miles per hour!
Now, this is a man of sUch great coUrage
that he's destined to become a household name.
He'II be besieged for autographs,
his pictUre will be on magazine covers all over the world.
Millions of adoring women will be at his feet.
He's boUnd to become a national celebrity.
Oh, shit...
J .J.! Long time no see! - Nice to see you, Captain Chaos.
Listen, l'd like to take yoUr place in the bomb. - Have no fear. "Him" is here.
It'd make me very happy. - YoU want it? - Yes. - You got it.
Thank you. - Suck in! - Okay.
What a gUy!
Give me a D, give me a D, give me a D-E-U ,
give me a T, give me a T, T- S-C-H .
Yea, Deutschland! Listen...
You think yoU might like a beer? - Hey!
Hey! - DeUtschland, DeUtschland. .. - l want outta here!
You asked for it!
Here he comes, folks.. . Here he is...
One of the most dangeroUs stunts we've ever had performed in Madera.
On his final approach.. . This has to be perfect the first time aroUnd .
That's my partner. What a team!
The crash trUcks are on their way. We'II have word on his condition in a minute.
What a pilot! What a pilot! Are yoU okay?
Oh my goodness, did yoU see that? Wasn't that fantastic?
I'm so terrifically happy.. . - Oh, shUt Up and get me oUtta here!
Did yoU hear the crowd? We were terrific! - Get me out!
I can jUst see Us on PEOPLE magazine. We're gonna be a big hit!
J .J., you seem a little shorter!
J .J., are yoU okay? YoU know something? l figUred it out. - Yeah?
If we do this ten times a day. .. - Yeah? - . . . by the end of the year
we're gonna be billionaires!
What is that? - Oh don't worry about that. lt's the Cannonball Race.
It's on again. A million dollars' the prize. Don't worry. We're gonna be billionaires.
What did I say? - YoU want me to do this ten times a day?
Nine?
What a groUch!
I asked you to come here out of respect for the family.
In the past, the Cannelloni family
was the richest and most powertul family of all the families.
We controlled drUgs, prostitution, extortion,
prostitution, gambling. .. - Eh.
You said "prostitution" twice.
Well, I like it. And now...
...the Rigatonis, the Tortellinis, the Fettucinis...
...and even the Raviolis are bigger than we are.
And why?
High interest rates? - Acid rain? - Japanese imports?
None of the above.
No.. . No.. . No.
You I'm not even gonna answer.
Gee boss, if I knew there was gonna be a test l . . . I woUId have stUdied.
When I passed on the powers of the Don...
...to my son Don,
making him Don Don,
I had high hopes for him.
And what has he done? He has only brought us disgrace...
...and shame.
Wait a minute...
This cat is dead.
Get me a new cat.
Oh God...
The cat coUId have been a contender.
I should have thought. .. Thank you.
It's a tabby. Very nice.
It's a boy.
Boys, go to Vegas. Lean on Don.
Don Don. - Hm? - We're here to straighten out your affairs.
What are your assets?
Well, I'm good-natUred and I dress well. And some people think...
What about yoUr Iiabilities? - Well, there is...
...one small Iiability.
What?
Well. . . I coUId use a tUmmy tUck.
A tummy tuck? A tUmmy tuck?!
I'II kill him. . . I'll kill him. - Calm yourself. - I'll kill him.
Don Don, do you have any outstanding markers?
Look in the in-box. - Look in the in-box.
30,000.. . It's not too outstanding, but it's a start.
Fenderbaum? - Hm . - FenderbaUm ...
You better call Jim and tell him where his car is. - Me? I called last time. YoU call Jim.
Well, hi there! - Hi! Could l help yoU girls?
This thing's stUck. - Oh yeah. Yeah.
Take a hike, Mike. - Yeah, get Iost.
Ugh. What a jerk! - Okay. What are we gonna do? Marcie, hey.
Hey, honey. Right here, yeah. Come on here, baby.
Hi, sUgar.
You girls all right? - CoUId be.
This is a beauty. Doesn't soUnd stock.
It isn't. I took the six oUt and shoe-horned in a 363 hemi.
It's hot, baby. - Hey, yoU got room for two more?
I'm Marcie. - Yeah, and l'm Jill. - l'm George. - Let's go, Georgie.
L.A. Tower to Japan cargo. Report to hangar three.
Roger, Tower.
No lUck. They want Us in cUstoms. They'II impound yoUr car for two days.
That means, yoU're gonna miss the race. What do yoU want to do?
Okay, down! - Okay.
Change of plans. YoU're bailing oUt.
BUtton Up! - Roger.
Battle stations!
Okay, make us invisible.
I know yoU're in there, Blake. I can hear the ice cUbes.
This is me, Fenderbaum. So open Up!
Blake, I know yoU're in there!
The Candy Man can.
Everybody Ioves somebody, sometime...
When I make a dry martini, I make a dry martini.
There's somebody at the window. - That's jUst the window cleaner.
Honey, who is it? - l don't know. There's nobody there.
Blake!
Open Up the window! - l'II be back in a minUte. Don't go away.
I'm gonna kill him.
There's nothing out here. - BIake! Down here!
I don't care what it is. Not now!
BUt I gotta talk to yoU now.
You gotta? - Yes.
Do yoU know that I'm eighteen stories above the groUnd? Eighteen!
Eighteen? - Yes, eighteen!
Eighteen?
You know yoU're the tallest short gUy I've ever seen?
Read this, will yoU? Just read that. That's from the Sheik.
They're gonna start the Cannonball again. And the sheik's pUtting up
$1 million to the winner. And yoU know who the winner will be? $1 million!
Take it easy now. No, don't come out.
I'II come in. - BIake?
Where are yoU going? - l gotta do it. lt's a million dollars.
You creep!
Where did you get the scaffold? - HUh? I thought this was the elevator.
I see yoU got my telegram, Doctor.
Was that that yellow thing with the printing on it?
Yes. - I got that, yes. I read that. It's uhm...
It was. . . What does it say?
It said I wish to employ yoUr services
to take care of my royal ulcer during the Cannonball Run.
Do yoU know mUch about ulcers?
Proctology's my specialty.
I'm very probably...
...the world's most famous expert on UIcers.
I should probably give yoU an examination right now. Open Up there.
I sterilized it. Before we go any further...
There's the matter of my fee. We should discuss my fee...
It's... just aboUt that amoUnt.
Hey, wait a minUte. You gonna drink milk? - Yeah.
Aren't you afraid it's gonna cUrdle when it hits your liver?
My Iiver died Iast year.
Can I help you? -? - Anybody aroUnd here speak Oriental?
SUre. One sake coming up.
What he said was: "BIackjack and water"
Now!
You got it? - Yes Sir. Coming right Up.
We'II get a nice big bottle of champagne, and then we'll go up to my place.
Father, what are yoU saying?
Didn't yoU ever see THORnBIRDS?
Hey pal, I'll never get Iaid in this outfit.
From now on, I'm gonna wear nothing but open collars.
No man can Iive by bread alone. - l can. I Iove bread.
You know, my favorite is a Parker House roll. lt just is so nice.
And then the RUssian rye. YoU know, there's so many raisins in it that...
I'm not talking aboUt that. - O... Okay.
I'm talking about women. - Women? - Women.
I want a girl that's sensitive and vUInerable. I really.. . I need a girl.
Yeah! Me too. - You?
SUre. Hey J.J . , I'm not a eunuch, you know? - Of coUrse yoU're not a eUnUch.
Don't pUt yourself down like that.
You have a striking resemblance to a eUnUch, but you...
I'm jUst kidding. You want a girl? You can have one of my girls.
I coUIdn't take one of your girls. - Oh, yoU can. - Well, maybe jUst one.
To clear up my complexion.
So tomorrow.. . - Tomorrow. - .. . we tUrn over a new Ieaf. - A new leaf.
Up and clean! - Up and clean.
And tonight. . . down and dirty.
Hi J.J .! - Hi! Are yoU gUys doing anything tonight?
Not now. - Let's go somewhere and talk about cUstoms and camshafts.
Coming, J .J. !
Do we still owe Don Don $30,000?
Did yoU pay him? - No.
Well, then we still owe him $30,000!
Well, one of his collection men came to collect it.
Wh.. . wh.. . where? - He's at the front door, but don't Iook.
I said don't Iook!
If he's at the front door, we'II go out the back door,
since he can't be at two places at one time, right?
That's a good suggestion. - Split city.
We're gonna die. - Aye.
What are they gonna do to us? - Don't know what they're gonna do to yoU,
but since Mr. T. ain't here, I'm gonna be too bUsy Iickin' their boots to see!
The money, or I'II blow yoU away!
I'II take the money.
Listen guys, why would a couple of operators Iike us be in Redondo Beach
with a bunch of hayseeds in jUmpsUits? - Okay, wise guys.
You tell us! - We're gonna race to ConnecticUt and the one that wins
gets $1 million in cash! - Only a moron would back Up a race like that.
Ahh, Fenderboom, BIake!
Good to see you! You should be sleeping at this hour.
Remember, we leave at noon tomorrow.
Wingtips...? Barbarians.
Come, come! BUy yoUrselves a decent clothing store.
Infidels! - That's the moron.
You know, these Iiars could be telling the truth.
Hymie Kaplan, what a surprise!
Oh wow! You look wonderfUI!
What brings yoU to the Pinto Ranch? Is it bUsiness or pleasure?
May I have a chair? - Oh, certainly.
Oh, it's business.
I just spoke to Dad , isn't that fUnny?
Don. You don't mind if I call you Don Don, do yoU? - No, no.
Oh good, Don Don. When yoUr father was having a Iittle troUble with yoU in Brooklyn,
he called me and asked me for a favor. Could he send yoU out here to Vegas
so that I coUId watch over yours. So what do I do?
I give yoU a job working at the casino. And what did yoU do?
You spend all your time working on the chorus Iines! - One line!
I slept with one IoUsy chorUs line! - ShUt up!
The second favor I do for yours: you come to me
and l lend yoU the money to start this. .. - Hymie,
the recession has hUrt every small businessman. - Oh yeah.
What does he owe? - As of 0:30,
the compoUnded 24o!o interest weekly brings it to exactly
0 million, 332 thoUsand , 446 dollars and 55 cents.
Hymie, I'm doing the best I can!
What?! l'II kill yoU.
That's what's so tragic. I'm gonna do you another big favor.
I'll give you exactly Until tomorrow to pay everything off.
Well, it's no problem 'caUse... - ShUt up.
Exactly 24 hoUrs, Don Don.
I mean, Dumb DUmb.
I think I call you DUmb Dumb from now on.
What do yoU think aboUt that, chaps?
It's very funny, boss! - lt ain't fUnny!
Now, l'II tell you when somethin' is fUnny!
Mahana, DUmb Dumb.
Hymie, one question.
Oh my God!
What was the pUestion?
It'll keep, Hymie.
Are yoU sUre this guy's your uncle? - Yeah, and l told you he's yoUr uncle too.
Listen, l told you, don't tell me, don't explain it to me again, please.
He's my mother's brother, who moved to California, and my mother
is yoUr father's sister, and you're my mother's brother's son.
Is that oUr uncle? - As. .. as they said, he had.. . er...
...er. . . a white Iimo. I ain't seen him in 20 years.
He's from yoUr side of the family.
Uncle Cal?
Howdy, boys! Cal's the name and cars is my game.
Got some real sweetheart for Iittle down and 0.0o!o financing.
Uncle Cal , I'm. .. I'm yoUr nephew. . . er. . . Melvin from North Carolina.
You're my brother and sister's boy? - And I'm your nephew Tony from Brooklyn.
What pair are yoU out of?
Well, it don't matter. Guess yoU boys are wandering about my driver?
He sure looks a Iittle. . . er. . . little. .. er. .. Iittle...
He.. . he's weird.
Yeah, I mean, is it easy to get a Iicense in this town?
Oh, he ain't got no Iicense! Come here.
I do all the driving from here. He jUst sits there and Iooks like he's driving.
It's a pUblicity gimmick. I got a slogan:
"If a monkey can drive, so can you!"
I Iove this boy. He's part of our family.
Come on, son. Ain't he cUte?
Hey Iook. Hey, Uncle Cal. We got a real real problem .
Hey Uncle Cal, we ain't got any money right now. We're flat broke.
Yeah, but we need a car right away.
What are you boys doin' oUt here? - Uncle Cal, we.. . er. . . we're Ca...
We're... we're Cannon. . . - We are Cannonballers.
Stop it, boy! I told yoU not to play with the phones.
Damn chimp costs me $300 a month in wrong nUmbers.
Hey, stop it, yoU primate! That's it! I've had it with yoU!
Excuse me, fellas. I've gotta teach this old boy some manners.
Son!
Now yoU've stepped in it!
Boys, l got one condition on the deal.
I'm gonna give yoU the Iimo, but only if you take this hairy son-of-a-bitch with you!
If he's a choreographer, I'm an aviator. - Really?
Same old slop. Let's go to the coffee shop. - Alright.
See yoU at the matinee? - Yeah.
If l have to sing "SoUnd of music" one more time, I'm gonna croak!
I'm so sick of the Crap family, I'm gonna scream!
Oh, it's so crowded. - Why do we eat here at all?
Here Sisters, take this table. We're finished. - Oh, thank yoU.
Very generous and very sweet of you. Bless yoU . Awfully nice of yoU .
I tell you, I'm sick of coffee shops, I'm sick of the show.
I'm sick of show business. - Betty, Iook at it this way:
It's a stepping stone to Broadway. - l'm getting oUt while l'm at the bottom.
Finito, Veronica. I wanna get married , I wanna have a big hoUse.
I just wanna find some nice, sweet, bozo millionaire.
You know what I'm gonna do with my half of the million? - Tell me. - Alright.
I'm gonna bUy my mom a great, big, brand new hoUse.
And I'm gonna buy my nephew a pony. And I will get the kid a shovel,
because ponies.. . - I tell yoU somethin' - J.J., what are yoU gonna do with yoUrs?
My money's gonna be gone, before I even get to the car. - Really?
Come on, let's go introduce ourselves. - Are yoU crazy?
Oh my God! - For JesUs Christ!
Excuse Us gentlemen, but we have jUst spilled coffee all over the table.
Would yoU mind , if we sat with you? - Sit with us?
You wanna join Us? - Oh no, don't get up. - SUre. - Boy-nun, boy-nun.
Boy-nUn, boy-nun? - Thank yoU , Sir.
J .J., they're gonna join Us. - Yeah. - Thank yoU.
I'm Sister Veronica. - And I'm Sister Betty.
How do you do? - l'm J.J . McCIure and this is Victor Prinze.
We're partners. - Are yoU boys married?
No, just partners.
Partners? Well, sweet. - Sister Betty?
That's correct. But we're not partners, we're Sisters. Not real sisters.
We're just in the same order together. - So what do you gentlemen do for a living?
We race across the coUntry. For money.
Oh, and we're gonna have a race today to the East Coast.
Are yoU racing to Broadway?
ConnecticUt. What order did yoU say yoU're from?
Oh, actually it's just a... a bUnch of girls.
BUnch of girls? - We're affiliated together in the Order of...
Immaculate... - ... Chastity. The Order of Immaculate Chastity.
I read the Bible all the time.
In fact, I read the Bible that was printed on the head of a pin.
That was hard. BUt I never heard of the...
Well, yoU have to read the New Testament. That. .. It's not even in the New Testament.
It's the New. .. - New Wave. - Aha!
New. .. New Test... very progressive Testament. - We'll try to catch it.
We have holy work to do. Let's go.
Okay. Well, maybe some other time.
At what time did yoU say yoUr race is? - Noon. - At the Portofino Inn, Sister.
Goodbye, Sister Veronica. - Come, Sister Betty.
Nice meetin' you, Sister. - Thank you. - Bye bye.
Come on, hurry Sister Betty, we have lots of Iepers waiting.
Don Don? - What is this now? - Everything is fine.
What we did is, we put oUr heads together
and we're gonna rip off the Arab on the road during the car race.
You put your heads together, hUh? It must have sounded Iike a bowling alley!
Yes, Don Don. - We need millions of dollars by... what time is it now?
Oh my God! By tomorrow!
If we can get the sheik, we got the money.
He wants Us to rip off the Arab and then kidnap him.
What for? - What for?! Ransom, yoU idiots! Ransom.
R- A-N-S-U-M ! Ransom!
Understand , you imbeciles? - YoU got it. PIease calm yoUrself.
Tell this to Hymie! - Okay, have a nice day.
J .J., is that legal? Both of them? At the same time?
J .J., you're bad. Hi Jill, Hi Marcie!
CUte car!
Imagine the stories J.J .'s making Up about Iast night.
He's driving poor Victor crazy. - Yeah. Poor Victor's bUying every word of it.
Well, what he doesn't know ain't gonna hurt Us. - Never has.
Let's check oUt our competition. - AIright.
Well, yoU look great. YoU really do. You look real sexy!
Sexy?
You look.. . - And l look like a tUrd . - No, you don't. - J .J. , what am I sUpposed to be?
You're a career army man.
Forty years in the army, the backbone of the army!
Alright! - Alright. - Man.
Wish I had a medal. - You want a medal? - Well, I'd Iike to have a medal.
Take one. - Oh, no. - Take one, you're my friend. - I couldn't take
one of your medals. I couldn't do it. - Take anyone yoU Iike. I Iove yoU .
Okay.
This is a nice one right here. - That one. - Thanks.
Oh, this is really swell.
The Congressional Medal of Honor. Thank you very mUch!
That's really nice.
Oh boy.. . Oh, and it's so shiny. I'm real glad. l love it.
Oh, Iook, J.J . - Ah. - Good morning. - Good morning.
General? Are yoU a General? General J.J . McCIure.
Oh, you're a private. - National GUard. - Listen...
The Lord asks a favor and we ask a favor of yoU.
We have an emergency in New York and it's very important that we get there.
And we've Iost our means of transportation. - And our vows of poverty
prevent us from traveling commercially. Could we go along with yoU?
We only have 46 hoUrs to get there, you see. Otherwise...
...the lepers might caUse a panic.
The lepers? - Yes. We treated Iepers on Molokai,
and now several hundred of them have made their way East to the Big Apple.
We'd like to continUe treating them . - Oh...
Oh, sUre Sister, this is gonna be swell. - ExcUse me.
Excuse me. JUst one minute. - What? - Come here.
What? - How could you tell 'em "The Big Apple"?!
The lepers? Big Apple? - Well , The Big Apple is New York, J .J.
I know that. - And I didn't even know they had Iepers there.
Listen to me. We can't take nuns along. - Oh please. - no!
What, if we're driving along and l see a pretty girl hitchhiking?
She wants to get in the car, a Iittle action? And we got nuns along?
I'm good, bUt I'm not that good. - Listen, if we take these nuns
I bet that God will be oUr co-pilot.
Well...
Why not? - Oh, J.J.
You can come along. - Oh, bless yoU , my son.
Oh, J.J . You'II get yoUr reward in heaven. - l don't wanna wait that Iong.
Snappy bags, huh? - lt's pUrple for Lent. - Ah. Good.
I should tell yoU something. When we're gonna be in the car, it'll be kind of cramped.
It'll be alright? - Of course. - lt'll be alright.
My Milly took a vow of chastity. She had headaches all the time.
Well, well, well...
Look who we have here. General Patton... and General Admission.
Heckle and Jeckle dressed as cops. Gotta arrest their minds for vagrancy.
Any problems, officers? - Are yoU kidding, Ladies?
I might as well tell yoU something. We tried it at the last race, dressed Iike priests.
We didn't win. It didn't help Us and it ain't gonna help you.
Now, as a Iaw enforcement officer I exercise my rights
to take these two yoUng ladies and sUbmit them to a very nice long
and thoroUgh body search. - Shame on you! - Listen.
These are real nUns. This is not a Halloween party. Have a Iittle respect.
I'm Up to here with you.
You're sick.
Gather around, Iook this way. Fenderboom, Blake, J .J. , Victor...
Fellow Cannonballers, give me yoUr attention.
Allah came to me one night and said:
"Falafel, be a sport!"
"Spread the wealth before Khomeini gets it all. "
Please, please.. . The important thing to know is
that l personally am donating the pUrse of $1 million to the winner!
Remember the golden rule: He who has the gold makes the rUIes.
I go first.
General, will this trip be dangeroUs? - Oh, I don't think dangeroUs, Sister.
Maybe exciting, bUt...
Hello everyone. .. Good to see you again.
J .J., l shall endeavor to get yoU the win. Throw the Iittle nUns in the car...
...and Iet's be off! - Does your friend have an identity problem?
No problem and no time, Sister.
General, you should be in the back. Sister Betty, up front with me.
Boy-nUn, boy-nun.
Isn't he adorable? - l heard that.
The jUry's still out on that.
Here is to good lUck. May it all be mine!
I don't Understand this, Tony.
For the Iast time: I hit the back of the Arab's car,
push a bUtton, presto. These things clamp onto the bumper.
Then I step on the brakes. We stop, get oUt of the car,
and snatch him.. . Now do you Understand?
Yeah...
Attention: Smokey in pursuit. - O-oh, trouble.
Well, do something high-tech. - Smokey. .. gaining.
AfterbUrner.. . ready.
Boy, that's what l call a high-tech!
Here they come. - Still seems complicated, Tony.
It's a piece of cake. l jUst speed up and l get to his back bUmper.
Here we go. Get ready. Easing Up.
Now don't blow it. Just hit the bUtton.
Easing Up. Easing up. Now! Now!
You're not holding the wheel steady, Tony. - Hey, you wanna drive?
Hit it!
Nothing can separate Us now. Nothing! - Nothing!
Maybe it only works on American cars, eh Tony?
Oh, how sweet.
Can I help you, ma'am?
Tony, are yoU sUre about this? - Stop complaining!
Statistics proof flying is safer than driving. - ls that right?
Sideward and rearward maneUvering is accomplished by...
Oh, am I mad at you! You told me yoU could fly this thing.
We almost got killed three times already!
Will you shUt Up an read the instrUctions?! Or we'II be killed for the last time!
You're getting me crazy. This thing can not fly by itself!
We're Ieveling out! - AIright, so we didn't crash.
Now, explain to me about the magnet on the helicopter. - Why?
This scheme is too complicated for me. - The alphabet is too complicated for you!
It's simple: this magnet is powertUI enough to pick a Brinks trUck right off the street.
Oh, a Brinks trUck, hUh?
Aren't we going above the speed Iimit? - Yes, 11 0, Sister Betty.
Oh, this is exciting! - Are yoU blessing my leg?
Yeah.
Keep blessing, Sister!
We jUst passed this police car. - That's alright. We pass 'em all the time.
Sarge, are we doin' 60? - Yeah, we sUre are!
Did they jUst pass Us like we were standing still? - Let me tell yoU what to do, son.
BUckle Up. YoU're taking part in yoUr first high-speed pursUit and capture!
It's following us. The police car's following Us. - Probably recognized me.
What? - I mean, it's not my life style.
I don't. . . - No, yoU're fine.
You're shaking. I'll hold your hand. - Oh, thank you, thank you.
Oh, they're so warm. - J.J. is the warmest!
Sister Betty, he has sUch warm skin! - He has such warm skin?
You should feel the heater Up here.
Noticed how I took that Iast cUrve? High and wide, straight throUgh the apex.
Pick up about 1 5 mph more coming oUt.
What are you writin'? - The accident report.
Damn!
Here's your sandwich, YoUr Highness. - YoU'd better not, Your Royalship.
That salami will kick the shit out of your ulcer!
Wait, wait. There's the Rolls! - Ha! Good.
This flyin' is a piece of cake! - Now that we foUnd 'em , what do we do?
Are yoU kidding? I just sneak Up behind 'em. They probably won't even know I'm there.
Then, at the right second: Zappo! We snatch 'em.
Oh! Smart!
Why did l ever doUbt you Tony? I'm too dUmb to question smart people.
This is trUe.
Tony, don't yoU think you're too low? - That's a negative.
It Iooks a Iittle Iow, Tony. - l can see it through the window, okay?
A little bit to the left.
A little more to the left. - How did yoU get here? The Tooth Fairy?
I flew you here, shmuck! - Now, down a little.
Hit the bUtton on the magnet!
I Iove being a gangster!
We're on like glue. Nothing, nothing could separate Us now. Nothing!
Up, Up and away! - Up, Up and away.
Listen!
Up, Up and awaaay...
I don't know why it ain't workin'. - Could be the fan belt.
Maybe it don't work on nothin' bUt Brinks trucks.
Don't worry about it. I'II have it all figured out in a second .
Tony, is yoUr seat belt on?
Hep. Eatin' time! You feed him, and.. . l'II drive.
No, no, no. It's your turn. You feed him. Come on!
Here yoU go. Oh...
Son-of-a-bitch! That son-of-a-bitch is crazy! He's got a mental case...
Corporal. - Yes, Sir. - YoU're driving well. - Thank yoU, Sir.
Sister Betty? You know, I was raised a Catholic and I'm really interested.
Could yoU tell us more aboUt the Order of the Immaculate Charity?
Chastity. - Chastity!
He always get those words mixed Up.
Well. . . I think it's time for Us to get some sleep.
Oh sure. Good. - So if yoU jUst excuse Us, we'd like to have a little privacy. - SUre.
Go ahead, there's... JUst put that. .. - Good night. - Good night.
Hey, am I crazy? Or are those the friendliest nuns yoU've ever seen?
Isn't Sister Betty cUte? - Ahh. I'd...
I'd Iike to jump her bones.
J .J., bite yoUr tongUe! - Can't help it. I'm sorry. - Aren't yoU ashamed?
I woUld! - Oh my goodness! Why woUId yoU say such a...
That's sacrilegioUs! - These are hUman beings.
And I'd be very interested to know how yoU make oUt. - HUh?
'Cause I been thinking aboUt getting into Sister Betty's pants.
Oh God, forgive me...
Morning officer! nice day, isn't it?
Get oUt of the road, fat boy, before you get run over. Come on. - Okay.
Good morning! - Goddamn! A General!
Now, what seems to be the problem , officer? - We have speed Iimits in this here state.
Even in a nuclear emergency? - What emergency?
We can't talk aboUt it, officer. - Let me see yoUr driver's license. - no!
I have radioactive breath.
What are you boys trying to pUII? - There has been a nUclear meltdown.
We're taking some contaminated material to Connecticut.
Why Connecticut?
They ran out.
BUIIshit!
Hey, uncle Hinky! - Homer! My nephew.
We'II wait for you, Homer. - Thanks, Sir. - How yoU're doin', Homer?
Goddamn, I didn't know yoU was coming home! - Private!
Yes Sir, General!
What are you doing here, son? - Well , I had a 3-day pass to come home.
It's the first one I had in two years. - l'm gonna commandeer yoU
to drive this car to ConnecticUt. Get in the car, son. - Yes, Sir!
Hold it! Ain't nobody goin' no place till l phoned this here in!
Uncle Hinky, l gotta do what he says. He got more medals than all at the base together.
It don't make no difference. I phone it in anyway.
Good morning, officer. - Sweet JesUs!
General, why are we stopping? - l'm sorry, Sister.
I was jUst explaining to the sheriff the pUrpose of my mission.
You carry nUns with yoU? - ln case we don't...
...make it, you know? - Oh, really?
There's a higher pUrpose involved, officer. Only the Lord knows what it is.
The safety of oUr nation depends on the speed of oUr mission.
Wow! Praise the Lord!
Well, in that case l'II give yoU a police escort all the way to the coUnty Iine.
Bless yoU. - Sheriff...
I just want you to know something: America needs yoUr help!
There are two communists disgUised as policemen chasing us in a red Corvette.
Commies! - no shit?
No shit.
Now, don't go argUing with me! I've got it straight from the General!
There are two communists dressed Up as policemen in a red Corvette...
...trying to steal our nuclear shit! Shoot 'em!
The fate of the coUntry depends on it, do you hear me?
HeadpUarters, this is Units ? and 5 eastboUnd on Highway 1 0.
We got those commies in oUr sights. - Commies?
Now, l been called a lot of things bUt I ain't never been called no commie.
I ain't even a Democrat. - YoU can inform the General they're as good as caught.
The General. .. General!?
J .J! That son-of-a-bitch!
Good, BIake. But not good enoUgh!
This is ? and 5 again. We're now westbound on Highway 1 0.
This is the Captain. I want those two foreigners broUght in.
Dead or alive. - Don't yoU worry about it.
You know what I'm gonna do? - What? - l'm gonna turn this car aroUnd
and l am gonna block the whole highway sideways.
And when they come they have a choice: either to ditch it
or ram right straight into Us!
JUst ditch it or. . . ram straight into us? - Yeah!
Get oUtta here with these bananas! I don't want the bananas!
This is hUmiliating as hell... er. . . sittin' Up here!
Well, it's no picnic being back here! Wacked-out monkey!
Stop it! Well, keep your hands off me, monkey!
What are you doing up here? - Man, it's safer.
Well, who's drivin'? - He is.
Would yoU boys Iike to stay for dinner? I just made noodle soUp.
Note, Blake. General Patton's car.
Is the blimp driving?
No. It's the General.
The General, hUh? Ha!
Oh, I'm gonna make a private out of him!
It's money in the bank. A million bUcks!
Oh, come on! It'II be a weekend yoU'll never forget.
All three of Us? - Yep.
It's gonna be a weekend you can tell your kids aboUt.. . if they're all boys.
Look, yoU guys thrashed this gull-wing out. I didn't even pay for that one yet.
Listen, baby. We're gonna be as gentle with that car as we're gonna be with you.
Real sound. Come on, what yoU say?
Okay. - Alright. - Okay.
The keys are in the car, bUt hurry back. My friends aren't gonna believe this!
Know what? You jUst bring them too. - Really?
SUre. And don't forget your camera.
Really?
You got a fUII tank of gas in here? - PIease, be careful with it. PIease!
(I'II be real gentle)
What do yoU want, Ching-Chong man?
Help? Gee, there's only a dozen of 'em . By the way, can yoU split that for me?
Thank you.
I'II be there in a minUte!
That was wondertul. You're great. Can yoU stay for dinner and meet my parents?
That was so great! What's yoUr name?
Hey, we got a race to finish. A million bUcks!
He can stay for dinner, too!
Dammit! The race is gonna be over, if they don't get their bUns oUt here soon.
Golly! They changed their clothes.
You think we've gone too far? - Probably.
Let's go for it.
You know, General? I bet this mission is so secret yoU had 'em do this
so Russian spies woUldn't recognize 'em.
We got a six-pack and some chilli-dogs for the trip.
I got one for yoU and on for... "him".
You've adapted to civilian life very well.
Oh my God! Private. . . Walk this way.
NUns, huh?
Get in the car. - Yes, General.
PUt that away! You ain't gonna Use it!
To yoUr right, Highness. To yoUr right.
As soon as this cable rips up the Rolls...
...you grab the money. . . - l grab the money?
...and I grab the sheik or what's left of 'em...
...and we head back to Vegas. - Vegas?!
Prince Falafel! BUy what?
Nimitz? What's a Nimitz?
The U .S.S. nimitz, ah!
I want to bUy it! I want to Iand my 747s on it!
I don't care what it costs. How mUch?
Feelin' better now, aren't you? - l can't hear you! Talk IoUder!
I said, yoU're feeling better now, aren't yoU?! - Yes, a thousand thanks!
No problem! BUy! - Bye.
Tighten it Up, they're coming! - l tighten it! - Tighter!
Come. HUrry. Here it comes!
Well yeah, you get what you pay for. - Oh, dammit!
What now? - l don't know!
Well, get out and start smiling. - Yeah, right.
Don't blame me! I didn't do nothin'!
Me neither. I'm jUst followin' orders.
We were turning aboUt 6 grand when the gages lit up like a pinball machine.
Yeah, so we propped the hood and there's oil leaking.
Right here. - Does it Iook bad? - Not from where I'm standing.
Oh, can yoU fix it then? - Honey, I got a tool that'll fix anything!
Oh, yeah?
Hey, sUgar? - Yeah? - What have you got Under the hood?
Alright. That's a 454, foUr on the floor.
Full house, with a blower. - Yeah? - She's a sweetheart, isn't she?
It sUre is hot out here, ain't it?
Yeah, it really is.
Why don't you relax, sUgar? Everything's gonna be just fine!
I don't think my boss wanted this to do 1 20 mph.
Well, it's doin' it! - Come on, Iisten. Why don't you just take me back and...
My. .. Just take me back to my boss. . . Oh jeez, am l gonna get it!
What the heck! It's only a job. Let's go!
And it's gonna be a weekend you'Il never forget.
Attention. . . Smokie in pursUit. Attention. . . Smokie in...
Battle stations!
AfterbUrner. - Roger!
AfterbUrner ready... 3, ?, 1 ...
Ignition!
Turn it off! -? - Turn it off!
Prepare to crash dive!
We jUst Iost it.
Look, beer cans! - Underwear?
Now Iet's give 'em the oil slick. - Yes, man.
Oil slick.. . Sorry, fellas.
We're just doin' oUr job. - Yes, sorry.
Attention. . . enemy astern.
Let's see what's happening. Up the scope. - Okay.
Quiet, please. - Stand by for depth charge attack.
Come on. Catch one. Pay attention! - We've been coming here for five years!
Five years! - WithoUt a fish. - A big one's out there for you, boys. - YoU're sure?
Darn right! I saw him jUmp the other day. I took a pictUre, while it was in the air.
Picture weighed 1 3 and a half poUnds!
I really don't like this gUy!
Forward all engines.
Come on, jUst pay attention to what you're doing.
All ahead full.
Let him go! - no!
We've caUght ourselves a Moby Dick!
God damn, we're going with him!
And yoU haven't seen yoUr family in 2 years? - No, but l'm not complaining. DUty calls.
General? - What? - How Iong do yoU think the national emergency
will repUire the services of Pvt. Lyle here, Sir?
I don't know. - He hasn't seen his family in ? years.
J .J., that is not nice. Truly isn't. - A General's work is never done.
Private. - Yes, Sir. - l've checked the Geiger coUnter
and the radioactivity seems to be dropping. I don't think we need yoUr services anymore.
Yes, Sir. - PUII over. - Yes, Sir.
Pvt. Lyle, you've rendered a great service to this coUntry.
You make me proud to be in the same army with a man with your character.
I'd Iike to present yoU with the Congressional Medal of Honor.
This Congressional Medal of Honor? - That Congressional Medal of Honor.
That's French. - l know.
General, for the Iast 20 years while l was working in the motor pool
I always knew the Good Lord's gonna give me a chance to come on a special mission
like this, to serve my coUntry.
Bye, Lyle.
And that's all you have to do, honey. - Boy, am l sick!
I ain't never gonna fly with yoU again! - Will yoU shut up and read the instructs
and tell me what it says about Ianding this thing?
It says: Iower the flaps. - Okay, then do it, puickly!
Where are they? - Under "F", you idiot!
Well, Iet's see. There's a "T" for tabs. ls that any good?
Fantastic! PUII it! - Pull what? - Anything, dummy! - Okay, Tony!
To Iook sharp...
To feel sharp...
I Iike this song so much, I bought the company.
I don't know why everybody makes such a big deal about flying. It's a piece of cake.
This better work, Tony. I jUst called Don Don, and he's really mad.
Caesar, Caesar...
Simplicity is the hallmark of genius. This cannot miss.
Yeah?
Relax, alright?
Damn ulcer's killing me. You got anything for it?
Charlotte rUsse. How delightfUI.
Not exactly the Maxim's, but my compliments to the chef.
A thousand pardons!
I coUIdn't help noticing. Obviously yoU are a damsel in distress.
May I be of service to yoU? I am the great Prince Abdul-ben Falafel,
master of all deserts, Prince of princes,
and one of the world's biggest.. . - Yoyos.
How dare you put a gUn to my head!
As I was saying, do yoU come here often?
I wish you gUys woUId have seen us change in the bathroom , making this decision.
Know, what she wanted to do? To pUt the nun's habit on and the shorts Underneath.
And she thoUght yoU wouldn't notice. - l will notice.
Well, I jUst didn't want you to be upset when yoU found out l wasn't a nUn.
You're not?
I'm not even a Catholic. - Well, nobody's perfect.
May I? - Oh, I been waitin' for this.
SUre hate to give the chaUffeUr a ticket. - Yeah, it's always the jerk in back
giving the orders. - Yeah.
Pardon me, Sir, we're...
You know what that is, back there? - Damn right! It's a chimp!
Listen to me. See that dark glass? Don't Iook!
You know who's behind that glass filming Us?
Allen FUnt. We're on "Candid Camera"!
Come on, it's our chance! Come on!
Stand right here so they can see yoU . Stand right here.
Pardon me, Sir. I'd Iike to see yoUr Iicense...
Oh God, I wonder what the penalty is for assaulting a police officer.
He's not gonna make a monkey oUt of me!
You're okay? Don't make him mad!
I'm gonna say hello to my mom. I just wondered if l coUId say hello to my mother?
This is working great. Let's go sing. Come on, before they go.
By the light of the silvery moon...
Let's get the hell oUtta here!
Hey, Mr. FUnt! Aren't we sUpposed to sign a release? - Oh, shUt Up!
Oh, Iisten! Look! Hold it! Look, Cannonballers ahead of us!
Alright, what the hell happened?
Hm, Sir. l was eating my dessert when sUddenly I saw one of the cat people.
BeaUtifUI body was. . . - Now, we have a slight problem.
Two hoods. They parted with the Sheik and the money.
How that happen? - She was hitchhiking in a Ieopard coat and as we approached
she flashed and we stopped.
He's right. Who else knew the million was in the Sheik's trunk?
I think yoU two guys have got something to tell Us, right? - Right.
J .J, let me explain to you as briefly as I can.
Here's what happened. We owed the guys in Vegas a little chUmp change. nothing really.
So they sent down some torpedoes to collect.
And yoU told 'em aboUt the Sheik. - lt was tell 'em or else.
Who were these guys? - The Cannelloni family from Las Vegas.
Well, hell. Let's jUst go get these gUys. - We can't jUst go get these gUys!
Why? - They hold up at the Pinto Ranch, and that's gUarded like Fort Knox.
Wait a minute. Maybe "him" can get throUgh.
Maybe "him" can get "himself" killed and take yoU with "him".
"Him" is open for other suggestions. - What's happening? What's going on here?
Gaped at her naked body glistening in the hot sun and her sweet sweat rolling down...
Hey, wait a minUte. We'II go to the King.
No, no. The Sheik's father hates him.
Hey, he's not the only king. We have royalty in this country, too.
He'II see yoU gUys.
Sit on this.
How did you enjoy the Halloween party? - What a gUy he is. - What a gUy!
Alright. How much this time? - Frank, you know. lt's never for oUrselves.
Not this time, Frank. - And who asked you to sit down? Get up!
Mr. Sinatra. .. - YoU may call me Frank.
I can call him Frank. - Not yet.
I'II let yoU know when you can. Not exactly now, bUt I'll let yoU know.
What can I call you? - Call me Sir.
Call him Sir. - l got it. Sir... We are Cannonballers.
What? - Cannonballers.
Oh, wait a minUte...
I've been lonely as mUch as you have, from time to time.
Come on. - That's a hot one, YoUr Majesty. Sir.
You see, the Cannonball is a race from California to ConnecticUt.
We have lots of fun. BUt the Sheik. . . - Sheik? - Yes.
With the blue Rolls Royce. - Who is he? Did I ever sing for him in London, you think?
We can't even pronoUnce his name. You see, they kidnapped him
and they took $1 million out of the trunk of his car. That's why we came to you.
Why come to me? Why don't you go to the FBl? - Who taUght the FBI?
Okay, alright. Who snatched him?
Oh, the Cannellonis.
I got an idea.
I got a trio that I use in my act and this bum's been trying to steal it for months.
Dorothy, get me Don Don.
They mUst be terrific for Frank to recommend them personally.
I gUarantee yoU have never seen anything Iike this in yoUr whole...
I'm not saying this, jUst becaUse l'm their agent.
You know, I jUst love auditioning new talent. I get all excited .
Come on, what's the matter? - They are a Iittle short on Iooks.
BUt didn't you notice the nice Unison? The way they dance?
They're fabUIoUs.
Frank ain't no dummy. I can't sing...
...bUt even I can follow that act.
Thank you.
Girls, you're hired! You're hired, girls! YoU're hired!
You all have life. . . lifetime contracts here at the Pinto Ranch.
I'II jUst have to move someplace else... now, girls!
Lovely. Go to your dressing rooms and powder your noses. .. a lot!
AbsolUtely wondertUI. Frank certainly knows his stuff! Just wonderfUI.
Bad news.
Oh, girls. How do yoU spell Laverne? Is that one word or two? - Two. - Three.
Oh, Hymie, what a pleasant sUrprise!
Uh, what a pleasant surprise...
Hey! l said l'd be here in ?4 hoUrs. Therefore...
...it ain't no sUrprise. And it ain't gonna be pleasant either. May I?
Oh my God...
What are these three bow-wows? - lt's oUr new lounge act.
What do they do? Scare the audience to death?... That's fUnny!
Mr. Hymie?
You girls ever hear of nair? - We're working on it. - Huh?
Our doctor has Us on hormones.
Well, I sUggest you go for a second opinion, because I think he's over-prescribing.
Hi, l'm Laverne.
Get me those hormones.
Alright, Dumb-Dumb. Where's my nine Iarge?
One million dollars, Hymie. And the rest is in escrow
in a bank in downtown Las Vegas.
I'm gonna consider this interest only, alright?
Now, you have the principal by tomorrow, or yoU'll be under downtown Las Vegas.
Girls... So long. - Bye, Mr. Hymie.
Excuse me... You have a Ladies' restroom?
Yes, it says "Cowgirls". It's the second door on the left. - On the left.
Now, this is a lifetime contract, as l said . I presume they'II have their own wardrobe?
Tits up! - Alright.
Mr. Hymie! - That Laverne comes near me, waste her!
We were jUst wondering if yoU could give us a Iittle advice on our careers.
Oh, yeah! Get oUt of show business.
Now!
We got the money!
Hide! Somebody's coming!
Your purses. - Oh, good . We got the money! - Oh, let's go! - No, no!
We gotta safe the Sheik! - Come on. - AIright.
Hi, l was wondering if yoU gentlemen will be kind enough to help me with my lUggage?
Man, those three broads got a case of the uglies.
Let the boss not hear you say that.
It's tortUre, I tell you. TortUre! Please. PIease!
Hey, it's got a lock on it. - Break it down. - Come on.
Ladies, at one, two, three!
More Ladies! My beauties, you must wait your turn.
There is only so mUch water in the foUntain.
Sheik, it's Us! - We're not girls! - How dare yoU?
It is oUt of the pUestion! Allah will only forgive so mUch!
Hey Abdul, pUt your slipper's on. Let's get oUtta here. - I don't want to go!
I've tried everything, bUt.. . - Get me out of this. - This is something.
Can I take this with me? - Okay with me. Come, tickle!
I'm terribly sorry. - Now, listen to me. If these three uglies get away with my million
DUmb-DUmb, then yoUr father's gonna owe me a big favor. You know why?
No. - Because I'm gonna kill yoU. And then...
...he's gonna kill yoU . And then he's gonna kill you.
And then he's gonna kill you! - Charmed . There's no need to worry, Hymie.
You see, they cannot escape. There's no way oUt of here.
You are totally secUre!
However, I'm very shaky.
Open! - Oh, shit! You got the key?
Maybe. - You UngratefUI pUtz! - Hold it!
The three Iittle pigs!
Get me somebody to hide behind!
This is it, boys. Remember the rUIes...
No rules! - You heard him. AbsolUtely no rUIes!
I told yoU , there's nothing to worry about. There won't be any witnesses.
No witnesses?
J .J., they're all around Us. I...
My money or yoUr Iife. - Money!
He's got the money. - Ha.. . He's got the money.
J .J.
Hey, did you see that pictUre where the bad guys get their Iast request?
Yeah. - Well, some time on the late show. - It was really a good movie.
A last meal perhaps? You coUId Iay a little BBO on us.
You know, something that yoU would go over the coals with?
I'll have some pUiche. And a little chocolate mousse.
Er, Shish kebab. . . No, no. CouscoUs.
Friggin' chickasee?
Chicken fricasse...
And yoU? - I'd Iike a wine list.
Where l'm sending you, baby, everything's on the menu.
We're saved!
Hey, reminds me of Brooklyn!
Hi there!
SUrprise!
You too!
Any puestions, boys?
Do yoU mind a personal remark? - No, of coUrse not!
That is absolutely gorgeous!
Hey, one's getting away!
I got him. - l'II guard your back. Be carefUI and watch oUt!
No problem . I'II be right back!
You're okay? MUst be a pretty toUgh guy up there.
Maybe I should take care of this one. - He's all yours.
I think, he's over his head this time.
Hey! YoU look Iike an athlete. - Wow, thank you. l was an athlete.
Oh yeah? - Yeah, l was...
Oh, then you can probably handle yoUrself. - YoU're in danger. - I'II protect yoU , Sister.
FoUr, five, six, seven...
Next!
Oh, don't do that to me again. This is just beaUtifUI!
That's EUropean, isn't it? - But of course. - AbsolUtely stunning!
That's enough. That's enough!
A thousand thanks, Sisters! - BIess yoU , my friend.
Over there! Yeah!
Come on, you brat. You pervert!
Hey, how do yoU like this for a hose job?
Oh yeah? Salute!
Hello, Chaos! - Look J .J., a flower! Nice, hUh?
See ya!
And I figured that 30,000 we owe yoU.. . This will more than take care of it.
May I bUy you a drink? - Yes. - Cherie!
Cherie!? I guess everyone. . . They seem to be so busy!
That was fUn, J.J .!
Get those guys! - YoU got it.
FIy, baby! FIy!
Help is on the way! JUstice will triumph!
Sorry, bad guys! Carry on.
Raining Iike a son-of-a-bitch over there. You need any help here? - Yes. Inject that.
Fine. Oh, the plagUe! I've seen this before...
No, Jackie! J.J ... Cannonball. . . You got it!
Friend or foe? - Have a guess!
It's a bird. - It's a plane. - lt's Hymie!
Would yoU hold this for me, please? I woUld Iike to really...
...get a good Iook at that ring again. It's truly Iovely.
Oh my God...
Oh, Iook...
J .J., it's a vision. - No.. . No, it's us.
Oh, Sister Betty.
"Him" didn't know you had that in you. - "Him" will .
We're here to help you win!
Did yoU miss me? - So much. .. - Oh thanks. A little more than that?
I'm glad you missed me that mUch!
All these wondertul gals!
Fenderbaum!
Boy-nUn, boy-boy, boy-nun.
Fenderbaum! What are you doing with my partner?
Partner? - Partner?
Yes! I have boUght the Pinto Ranch!
Yes!
And why not? I have a weakness for blondes...
...and women withoUt mUstaches.
Before you do any hiring yoU tell your partner aboUt yoUr Iiabilities.
You know, yoU have a very big moUth!
My Sheik! - My partner!
My Sheik, I will need jUst a little operating capital.
How mUch?
Nine million dollars? - Nine million?
A drop in the well! I will give you 1 6 million.
That way you will have some petty cash! - Thank you, my Sheik. Where are yoU going?
To win the race!
To share in my good fortUne with my fellow Cannonballers
I have decided to raise the prize money to two million dollars!
How many zeros is in that? - l don't know!
We'II split it three ways? -Yeah! - Come, my sweethearts, we go!
Hey, FenderbaUm, Blake! Come here a minUte!
What is it, Frank? Can't yoU see we're busy?
I know that. That's why I want to get a head start. See you in ConnecticUt.
Oh, so sorry. You are average player. Please try again Iater.
You gotta have to stop this thing. I can't examine yoU with all this movin' aroUnd.
I can't stop! I can't stop! JUst keep me alive Until we reach Connecticut!
So much for Abdul...
It's money in the bank, I tell you. A million bUcks!
The whole of a million bucks apiece!
That's Frank. - Where'd he Iearn to drive like that?
I don't know, but don't Iet him pass Us!
FIoor it! - It's floored!
Hi Frank, chicky-lover baby! Hi there!
Remember me, FenderbaUm? Listen, whoever gets to the finish Iine first
we split it 50I50, okay?
70I30
How aboUt 1 0o!o?
Forget it.
Forget it, guys! You're four hoUrs and 1 5 martinis late!
Better go in the bar and get gassed Up, 'caUse you're racing back tomorrow...
...at noon! - Park it. I'll see you in the bar.
Thanks. We'II leave tomorrow and we'll be back in foUr days.
Then Atlantic City and a weekend yoU'll never forget.
Once again yoU have brought shame and disgrace to our tribe
by not winning the Cannonball RUn. - But Pop, there was this doctor in the car.
He gave me a. .. It was kismet. - l warn yoU!
Tomorrow's race is the Iast Cannonball I am financing.
If you do not win, do not bother to come home.
Pop, don't worry. I can't Iose!
I have hired the winner of this Cannonball to be my co-driver in the next one.
I'd Iike you to meet him. I have told him so mUch aboUt yoU , Pop.
Excuse me, Sir. I'd Iike you to meet my Pop!
The Cannonball is a race from California to ConnecticUt. We have Iots of fUn.
And then. .. The Sheik... What they...
I can get this. Just a minUte. I can do it. Wait a minute.
And. . . - We'll start from the slap. - From the slap?
Sir! Er...
JUst pick it up right from the slap.
Sir!
Sorry, we get this in a minUte. It's alright. We get it. Here we go.
Oh, Sir! The Cannonball is a race
from Connecticut to your ass.
Now, if yoUr mother could kiss like that...
We're just gonna place it. Ready? HUh?
Is that what yoU want? YoU got it.
Okay? - I don't trUst yoU. - No, yoU got it, I swear. I'm just gonna place it.
Oh shit, if I wasn't getting a Iot of money...
Don't get it from the groUnd . - Where might I gonna get it from?
Get it from here. This is fresh.
There'II be a moUnd here. - l got fresh stuff here.
Nobody's ever peed on this. I'm jUst gonna place it.
How animals live on this shit?
Listen, if we have these nUns God will be oUr co-pilot.
I don't care. YoU Iisten to me. Listen to me.
We're not taking those nuns along.
What is the matter with yoU? I can't work Iike this!
She's winking at me. - Hold there. - She's to wave.
Alright. - I have no protection. She is.. . Godammit.. . - Pick it Up.
Lepers? New York? - No: "Lepers? Big Apple?"
I order yoU...
J .J.! Long time no see. - Captain Chaos, nice to see yoU again.
Would yoU do it again? - Yeah, certainly. - Here we go.
Keep it rollin'. Here we go.
J .J.! - Captain Chaos! - Long time no see. - Good to see you again.
Good to see you! - Listen, I'd deem it a personal pruverage.. . privilege,
if I can get in that bomb and get my teeth fixed. TUrn around, Iet's start again.
J .J.! - Captain Chaos. - Long time no see. - Good to see you again.
I'd deem it a privilege you Iet me ride in the bomb.
Did yoU understand that at all? JUst tUrn aroUnd and Iet me do it again.