Well, I have had it!
You don’t want to marry me?
It’s the end of the world, that’s all.
The end of the world. And what are you doing, Franklin?
Sitting here smoking with Jessica.
Calm down, Maisie,
before another gray cell hits the bug light.
[Jessica] Tonight on Murder, She Wrote.
-You look ravishing. -You look tired.
In my family, somebody like your brother-in-law
would simply not be tolerated.
Maybe we should just elope.
-Love conquers all, you know. -Maybe where you live.
Wedding party. Wedding party. Rehearsal time. Rehearsal time.
Now remember, all smiles all the time.
This is $500 over the estimate!
That was for the slat chairs.
Your wife went with the caned chairs.
They’re more compatible with one’s anatomy.
I’m gonna need the deposit now, Mr. Mayberry.
Deposit? What do you mean, deposit?
-For flowers? -For the vases, Mr. Mayberry.
You break ’em, you bought ’em.
Father of the bride. Father of the bride.
Time to rehearse giving your daughter away.
Giving her away?
More like paying to have her stolen by some kid who can’t afford her.
Oh, now, now, now. Love conquers all, you know.
Maybe where you live.
Franklin, where on earth have you been?
What do you mean, where have I been?
Jessica’s arrived. Grady’s mother.
It’s his aunt.
Don’t be difficult, Franklin. My nerves won’t take it.
They simply won’t. Now go say hello
and be nice to her. We like her, remember?
I have to rehearse first.
Tell Donna to meet me at the aisle.
Well, you might help out, you know.
[sighs]
I hope that you are prepared to clean that up yourself.
Good morning, Harriet.
I was just admiring how clean this glass is.
Good job. By the way, if it’s not too much trouble,
what’s with the lock on the booze?
We don’t want those apes stealing our liquor, now, do we?
It’s bad enough they’re tearin’ up my house.
Thank goodness you’re here, Jessica.
I was beginning to wonder if I’d know anybody at my own wedding.
My goodness. What a lot of guests must be coming.
Look at all these presents.
Most of them are from daddy’s clients.
He has a very large client list.
Yeah. I think there’s even a few here from friends.
Really?
Well, you’re certainly getting off to a great start.
Sure. And the best part is I can always hock the gifts
if I don’t find a better paying job.
Oh, Grady, you did want me to keep working after all.
-Yeah-- no, no, really-- -Well, why didn’t you say something?
-I mean, I could-- -Donna, I’m fine, really. Honest.
-Really? -Yeah, sure.
My goodness. This is a very handsome gift, isn’t it?
It’s from Mrs. Pentworth, one of daddy’s biggest clients.
She probably had it professionally wrapped.
Well, children, I wrapped this one myself.
Oh, Jessica, it’s beautiful.
Honey, you don’t even know what it is yet.
I can’t wait.
Well, I won’t tell if you won’t.
Oh.
Geez, aunt Jess, this is the mirror your mom gave you when you got married.
Well, I-- I just thought you might need something old.
And it brought great good luck to Frank and me.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Donna! That’s bad luck!
[sighs] You naughty children.
Don’t you know you’re not supposed to see each other on your wedding day?
But, Mother, it’s our wedding rehearsal day.
Exactly. And they need you for the rehearsal, dear.
Now don’t dawdle, dear. Scoot! Scoot!
Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Mayberry.
Shouldn’t I be in the rehearsal too?
Oh, of course, Grady.
Although I do wish I didn’t keep seeing Wilfred waiting by the altar.
Wilfred?
Wilfred Wynn III. Phi beta kappa.
Childhood sweetheart that they were sure that Donna was gonna marry,
who appeared on earth full-blown from the head of Zeus.
One more day, aunt Jess. Just one more day.
You’re the aunt-in-law, right?
-I’m Harriet Lundgren, the housekeeper. -Oh, how do you do?
You’re, uh, second door, top of the stairs.
-This way. -Thank you.
Oh, better grab your bags.
There’s no bellhop service around here.
That’s the bathroom. Don’t comb your hair over the sink.
I’ve got plumbing problems you wouldn’t believe.
There’s the closet, drawers. Don’t wrinkle the lining paper. It’s new.
Hey! Hold it!
I just laundered that bedspread. I don’t want it soiled.
Excuse me. How long have you worked for the Mayberrys?
Too long. Believe me.
By the way, you’re not anybody important, are you?
Just a writer, I’m afraid.
You sharpen any pencils in my house,
you do it over a wastebasket, you understand?
[door closes]
[bell ringing]
Oh, dear.
[clears throat]
[bell ringing]
So, Ben, what is it you do for a living?
[Ben] Well, now, Jessica, I’ll tell you--
-Uh, young man-- -I’m sorry.
If you had a client who had more than $100,000 income in H-7--
Daddy.
You promised. No quizzes.
I gotta get ice for my drink.
I need to cool off my hot blood.
Know what I mean, Jessica?
What would you do if a client...
We always used to call him uncle Ben the crook.
But he’s not really a criminal, is he?
Daddy won’t let us talk about it.
I’ve warned you about that before, Quick Fingers.
I don’t care if you are Mr. Mayberry’s brother.
Come on. I’m just playin’ around.
You try that again, you won’t be playing with a full deck.
Ooh!
Harriet, dear, I hate to intrude, but about dinner--
You want to know about dinner?
Let me tell you about dinner.
In a coexisting partnership with a motion picture company--
Daddy, where is this going to end?
-In bankruptcy court. [doorbell rings]
-I’ve heard it before, Sir. -Oh, I’ll get it.
So, Daddy, um, do you think we have enough flowers for tomorrow?
And to top it off, you people let the rehearsal run late.
-I’m sorry. -I’m not a mind reader,
and I only have two hands.
Maisie, some new guests have arrived.
I thought you’d wanna see them right away.
New guests?
[Maisie] Ziggy!
Oh!
-Oh, and you must be Valerie. -Mm-hmm.
Oh, my dear, I feel
-as if I know you already. -Oh.
Oh, my. You are exactly as I expected you to be.
Oh. Oh. Oh, forgive me, Jessica.
I just haven’t seen my brother in so long.
I never leave Greensboro.
The family business takes all my time.
Yes. Your sister was telling me that you still live in the house that, uh,
you two grew up in.
Yeah. I am pleased to say that it is just as Mother left it
36 years and 10 months ago.
-Oh, poor ziggy. -Not anymore, Maisie.
Mm-mmm.
Not since I convinced this Southern belle to be my bride.
-Oh, Valerie! I can’t thank you enough! -Oh, my gracious.
It is warm in here.
-Do you suppose I could freshen up a bit? -Oh, of course.
What am I thinking of?
Harriet will show you to your room.
[Harriet] Make up your mind.
Do you want dinner or a guided tour?
[clock chiming]
Soup’s on the table.
Well, perhaps I can help.
Uh, I believe my room is right next to yours, Valerie.
Oh, Jessica, I hope that you don’t type late into the night.
[Valerie] My mama used to say that anytime anyone would make a noise,
three plantations away, I would wake right up.
[knock on door]
Jessica.
You look ravishing.
Uh, Ben, you look tired.
You really should get some sleep. Good night.
I know you feel the same way I do, Jessica. I can tell.
Yes. Oh, you’re absolutely right.
I mean, I am exhausted.
[yawns] See you tomorrow.
To waste a night like this would be such a shame.
-Ben, listen-- -Do you know which room is Valerie’s?
No!
[knock on door]
Ben...
Were you expecting uncle Ben, aunt Jess?
Oh-- oh, no. No.
We could come back another time.
Oh, no. No, please. Come on inside.
[sighs] My parents are just impossible.
All they ever talk about is Wilfred.
Never mind that nobody’s seen him for five years.
Oh, now, they’re gonna get over it.
Well, that’s not the worst of it.
Mr. Mayberry has offered me a job.
Well, what’s wrong with that?
It’s a terrible job. I mean, I should know.
It’s the one I just quit-.
Long hours, just slave labor.
Well, just say, no, thank you.
On the other hand, it’s a big firm.
-I might get a promotion. -Don’t count on that.
On the other hand, it’s terrible pay.
-About $20,000 a year. -Really?
He was paying me $25,000.
Well, aunt Jess--
Well, maybe he offered you that job because he felt obligated to.
Just like he felt obligated to buy us the house next door?
It’s our wedding present.
Oh.
Kyle’s Catering.
Give me a break here. The food is rotting in my truck!
You’re not cooking for 200 in my kitchen.
You were supposed to deliver that food prepared.
Listen, flap jaw, I could get a pile of business out of this shindig,
and I am not gonna serve raw pork balls!
[chef] Now you stay out of my way, beetle face,
or I will fry you like a wonton.
You think that I’m scared of the likes of you?
Get out of my kitchen!
Oh, excuse me, Harriet.
Good morning, Mrs. Fletcher.
What can I get you?
Well, uh, I was hoping for a cup of coffee.
Sure. Help yourself.
I hope you don’t want cream.
Milkman hasn’t come yet.
There’s only enough for the family.
-Valerie and I have so much in common. [chuckles]
It’s the first marriage for both of us, and, uh, well, she spent years
taking care of her ailin’ mother, which I did, too.
We’re both of us well-off, and we have so many interests together.
Mmm. My husband and I enjoyed doing so many things together.
-Fishing and backpacking, movies. [chuckles]
We even took Russian lessons together one time.
-Oh. [chuckles]
Well, mostly Valerie and I just sit on the porch evenings
talkin’ about our mothers.
Yeah.
This is the last time I bail you out.
You understand, Ben?
[Franklin] From now on the Franklin mint is closed.
C-l-o-s-d.
Closed!
You had every advantage.
Certainly more than I’ve had, that’s for sure.
And what have you done? You’ve squandered your life!
Oh, I don’t know, Frank. I’ve had fun.
Fun? Who told you life was supposed to be fun?
-Franklin? -Uh, Jessica.
I know you’re very busy, Franklin, so I’ll get right to the point.
-Uh, please. -Thank you.
You know, I probably know Grady better than anybody else.
Hold it right there, Jessica.
I know what you’re gonna tell me.
You’re gonna tell me that Grady’s a fine young man.
And I also wanna tell you that Grady loves Donna very much.
And most important, she loves him too.
Love, huh?
Just as I loved my husband
and, I dare say, that you love your wife.
Now look, no offense.
Grady seems like a...
like a healthy young man.
But I’ve worked hard to attain a certain position.
Franklin, my husband’s brother and his wife were wonderful people.
And when Grady came to live with us
after that terrible car accident,
it was-- well, it was almost like a gift,
because we didn’t have any children of our own.
So, if I do say so myself,
Grady really had four wonderful parents.
And that seems to me
to be the best kind of family position to have.
[Maisie] Franklin.
It’s the end of the world, that’s all.
The end of the world.
And what are you doing, Franklin?
Sitting here smoking with Jessica.
You know how Harriet hates cigar smoke.
Calm down, Maisie, before another gray cell hits the bug light.
-The caterer, your Mr.-- -What’s the matter?
He using non-union goose livers?
He’s threatening to leave, that’s all.
He says Harriet won’t let him in the kitchen.
And now she is nowhere to be found.
I told you, Jessica. She left us. Kaput.
Well, perhaps she’s in the garden
helping to set up the wedding. Shall we have a look?
She’s just gone away and left us.
It’s Franklin’s cigars, that’s what it is.
[chattering]
Madam, where do you want them?
[chattering continues]
I’m not sure. I don’t care.
Ask Harriet. Harriet knows where everything is.
I don’t know Harriet. Who’s Harriet?
Maisie! Maisie! Good news!
I just spoke to the security guard on the house phone,
and he said that lots of people have come in,
but no one has left.
Oh, wonderful!
But why is that good news?
Well, it means that Harriet is still somewhere around here.
Well, I, for one, couldn’t be more thrilled.
[chattering]
Stop it, all of you!
I don’t have the vaguest idea where anything is
or where anything goes. I only live here.
Besides, I have something much more important to do.
I have to get ready for my daughter’s wedding.
[chattering]
Jessica. Jessica, you’re much better at this sort of thing.
Perhaps you might help these gentlemen?
[chattering]
Oh, Ziggy, that was an absolutely splendid repast.
Oh, thank you, dear.
However, for future reference,
-the eggs were a little overdone. -They were?
Mmm. And the hollandaise could be just the everest, teeniest bit more thick.
-Oh, dear. -Ziggy, my man. Just a minute.
Huh? What?
You’re going about this all wrong.
The woman cooks, the man complains about the eggs.
This is the secret of success of your many marriages?
Sure. Women love to be told what to do. Watch.
-Listen, Val. -Hmm?
You look like the kind of a gal who loves a good time.
Soon as this shindig’s over with,
how would you like to pop off to Vegas?
[Valerie chuckles]
How would you like a nice cup of hot coffee...
-in your lap? -Ooh, kinky.
Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.
Oh, Eva Braun took a hike, huh? On the counter with that,
over on the other counter over there, by the stove with that.
-We’re gonna need this area right here. -Mr. Laughlin,
your waiters and waitresses are here. They’re out in the garden.
Waitresses!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Leave them alone!
In my family, someone like your brother-in-law
would simply not be tolerated.
We would ship him off to a penitentiary or somethin’.
You know, I wouldn’t be surprised
if Ben isn’t the kind of man
who just likes to make people think that he’s a criminal.
That must be why he always stays one step ahead of the postal authorities.
Oh, does he sell merchandise through the mail?
Cures for baldness.
Aren’t the flowers lovely? Do you like flowers, young man?
Yeah, sure. Give me a carnation, I’m one happy puppy.
Jessica. I want you to meet...
Cousin Clara.
Jessica, the groom’s aunt.
Uh, I gotta go check the water for the flowers.
I’m happy to meet you, Clara.
You’re, uh, Franklin’s cousin?
I’ll bet you’re lucky enough to be a house guest.
Tell me. How has the food been?
Oh, excellent. Really delicious.
Good. Do you know when they’re going to start serving it?
My God! No!
You know better than to knock on the bride’s door on your wedding day.
What are you trying to do, ruin the rest of my life?
[boy 1] You’re dead! [boy 2] Don’t shoot! No!
[both shouting] [toy guns whirring]
[both] You're dead!
No more ice cream for the rest of my life.
[tapping on glass]
[Grady] Donna?
Donna.
[Grady] Donna?
Grady, what are you doing here?
You know I’m not supposed to see you. It’s bad luck.
What, are you kidding?
-What’s another black cat, more or less? -What?
Donna, I’m sorry. I wanna talk to you,
but your mother won’t let me.
And I tried to get some straight answers,
but your father brushes me off like I’m a piece of lint.
Well, I’ve had it!
You don’t wanna marry me?
No. No, it’s not that.
I mean, it’s about that job.
The one your father offered me.
-Uh-huh? -I’m gonna turn it down--
Uh, if it’s okay with you.
Oh, Grady, you know whatever you wanna do is fine with me.
Well, there’s something else too.
I think-- I think it is really, really important.
I mean, it is vital that we don’t live next door to your parents.
I never liked that house anyway.
Are you sure? It’s really okay with you?
It’s really okay with me if it’s really okay with you.
That’s great. I’m gonna go talk to your father right now.
Right now? Oh, Grady, I’m not so sure this is the--
[knock on door] [Maisie] Donna?
-Mother! Oh! [Maisie] Donna?
-Yes, Mother? -Who are you talking to?
Is there someone in there with you?
No, Mother.
-Yes, Grady, what is it? -Mr. Mayberry,
I think it’s time that you and I have a little talk.
I do not believe this! That woman wrote a check for the orchestra
and wrote a question mark.
A question mark! Like I’m supposed to guess
how much we’re paying these Lawrence Welk sound-a-likes.
It’s not bad enough she overpays the florist,
forgets to pay the organist...
Yes, Grady, what is it?
[people laughing] -Why, Franklin was just telling me
this morning how flattered he was that you, Mrs. Pentworth,
his most important client really in all the world,
that you’d take time out of your busy schedule for our daughter’s--
I’m supposed to be yachting.
[chuckles] -Where is Franklin?
He told me we had business to discuss.
[Franklin] What? Of all the stupid, kitten-brained, slack-jawed idiocy--
-Ah, that sounds like him now. -Oh, dear, no.
Franklin never raises his voice.
We are talking about Franklin Mayberry?
Oh, Jessica!
I want you to meet someone.
Mrs. Pentworth, this is Jessica Fletcher.
You know, the very famous mystery writer.
Well, not so famous, really.
Of course you are.
Jessica yachts, don’t you, Jessica?
Well, no, not really.
I mean, actually, I do fish from a boat.
Mysteries.
Aren’t those what people who fly tourist read on airplanes?
Excuse me.
I am ready to hang it up, aunt Jess.
Oh, Grady, anybody would be nervous on their wedding day.
No, no. That’s not the problem.
Well, then, what is it?
I just tried to stand up to Mr. Mayberry and-- and my ears are still ringing.
Well, today might not have been the best timing.
And all I ever hear about is Wilfred this and Wilfred that.
Maybe-- maybe Donna’d be better off with Wilfred.
Grady, you don’t really believe that.
I just have this terrible premonition.
Don’t be silly. I mean, the worst is over.
I mean, what else could possibly go wrong?
-You’re dead! You’re dead! You’re dead! [toy guns whirring]
We’ll give you much more personal service
than the accounting firm that you’re with right now.
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
-Not now. Daddy’s talking business. -Daddy! Dad--
Forget the personal service crap.
-Will you give me a volume discount? -Oh, you bet.
-Daddy! -What is it?
[siren blaring]
Wait, wait!
How ya doin’?
Uh, do you have an invitation, Sir?
I don’t need an invitation. I’m the Chief of Police.
It probably got lost in the mail.
She’s done, all right.
Good man, Slocum.
Now take her off the property,
-and we’ll get back to you. -Gee, Mr. Mayberry,
you know I’d do anything to accommodate you,
but we can’t move her till the ambulance gets here.
Regulations.
So where’s the ambulance?
Well, you know our budget, Sir. We’ve only got the one,
and it’s on another call right now.
I knew this was gonna happen.
Grady, would you calm down?
The way that cop is going, there isn’t gonna be any wedding.
At least not today, not here. Maybe not even ever.
Yes, there is.
Excuse me. Uh, Chief Slocum,
I’m sure you noticed that Harriet seems
to be clutching a piece of wrapping paper in her hand.
And it looks to me like a piece that I saw on a gift in the foyer.
Gift? You got a party goin’ here?
I’m supposed to be getting married today.
Oh, well, congratulations, Mr. Fletcher.
That’s-- that’s wonderful.
Yes. Well, perhaps you should check and see if the gift is still in the foyer.
Uh, first things first.
The least you can do, Slocum, is to move her somewhere
where we won’t be tripping over her all day.
Oh, Mr. Mayberry, I’d do anything to oblige you,
but we can’t do a thing till the police photographer gets here.
-Well, where’s the photographer? -He’s been delayed.
-Ah, geez. -He’s out with the ambulance.
Well, you can’t leave her here. It’s-- it’s unsanitary.
Uh, Chief Slocum, I have a thought.
I want all the angles--
-top, bottom, sideways. -Yes, yes. I know what I’m doing.
I mean, it’s not like she’s gonna wanna buy any copies or anything.
[Franklin] Oh, no. Where is Mrs. Pentworth’s gift?
I’ve gotta thank her for it, I don’t even know what it is.
I wanna apologize, Mr. Mayberry, Sir.
I do feel kind of funny showin’ up here without a gift.
-What? -Well, if I’d have known
there was gonna be a wedding--
You listen to me, Slocum. You get this thing cleaned up quickly,
you understand? I’ve got business to--
I mean, guests, to attend to.
I’ll take care of everything, Sir.
We always get these professional burglars!
Uh, Chief Slocum...
surely you don’t believe this was a professional job?
Why not? The housekeeper catches a burglar stealing a present,
tries to get the gift back--
And gets stabbed with a meat thermometer in the back.
Now it seems to me that that piece of wrapping paper
in Harriet’s hand could have been an afterthought,
to make her murder look more like a burglary.
Oh, shoot.
If it was one of Mr. Mayberry’s guests, he’s gonna blow a gasket.
Chief, it doesn’t have to have been one of the guests.
The killer could have been anyone who’s been here since early this morning.
Like an employee. Great! Some schmo from out of town.
But how did you figure that?
The only entrance has been guarded since daybreak.
And according to the security guard, nobody’s left.
Oh.
-But that means the killer’s still here. -I’m afraid so.
You’re afraid so? Lady, I’m the one who’s gotta tell Mr. Mayberry
nobody leaves till we figure this out.
I’m the one who’s gotta tell him...
the wedding is on hold.
["Here Comes The Bride" playing]
[whispering, indistinct]
-Uh, let me say one thing. [music stops]
-The bar’s still open. [chuckles]
[crowd murmuring]
Oh.
Uh, dear friends,
our gracious host has just informed me, uh,
that the delay is nothing serious.
A slight problem with the, uh, help, I believe.
[murmuring]
I knew it. I knew it from the first moment I laid eyes on that young man--
Well, that Donna’s a willful little thing. Always been hard to please.
I hear she’s in the family way.
You give me one good reason why we can’t have this wedding right now.
Sir, if we delay the investigation,
-evidence could be destroyed. -I said a good reason.
-But he’s right, Franklin. -In any case, Sir,
I can’t allow anyone to leave until I’ve questioned--
-You’re accusing my guests-- -No, Sir. Of course not.
-Perhaps if we put our heads together. -Right.
Now, here’s a lady that knows a thing or two about murder mysteries.
You don’t mind a little help, do you, Slocum?
No, Sir, not at all.
I guess the first thing we should do is notify the next of kin.
Oh, can’t that wait? I don’t know anything about her family.
Well, possibly Harriet had them listed on her references.
-Uh, that is, if you’ve saved them. -I save everything.
I’m an accountant.
The Cravens of San Francisco, the Saunders of New Orleans,
the Parkers of Grosse Pointe.
My goodness. Harriet wasn’t exaggerating
when she said she’d worked all over this country.
I really have been doing my best for you, Mr. Mayberry.
We moved the body, and that’s not exactly kosher.
I only did it because it was you.
Slocum, get to work.
[door closes] -Get to work.
As if I weren’t trying.
As if we had a murder every week around here.
Uh, Chief Slocum, I’m sure it’s occurred to you
that the killer probably was not acquainted with this house.
I told you it was someone from out of town.
Our people wouldn’t do that.
Harriet put the meat thermometer into this drawer this morning,
right across from here where the knives are kept.
Which means--
which means that if the killer knew the house,
he would have grabbed for the most convenient, surefire weapon--
-a knife. -Instead of searching
for a meat thermometer. But what does that prove?
Well, that means that the killer was in a hurry
and grabbed for whatever what was nearest to him.
Doesn’t that mean that the housekeeper was killed in the kitchen and then moved?
Possibly to buy time for the killer to leave the house
before the body was discovered.
Okay. If it wasn’t a professional job,
but it wasn’t somebody who knew the house,
and it was somebody who hasn’t left,
but somebody who wanted to buy time--
[sighs] -Who does that leave us with?
A temporary employee, perhaps?
Everything’s gonna be okay, Donna. Honest.
Our engagement party was a disaster too, remember?
[sniffles] Maybe somebody has it in for us.
Donna. What are you doing here?
-I asked him, daddy. -She asked me, Sir.
If your mother knew he was in here,
there’d be holy Ned to pay.
And what’s that window doing open?
You wanna catch pneumonia?
Daddy, I think that we should talk about our future, Grady and me.
Fine, fine, let’s talk.
Maybe your mother was right.
Maybe you should have married Wilfred.
There was a boy with a future.
There was a boy with both feet planted firm on the ground.
[vehicle approaching]
[Franklin] Who the hell is that clown?
[engine revving]
One of your freaky friends from New York?
Yo! Donna!
[both] Wilfred?
I wouldn’t have missed your wedding
even for a Grateful Dead concert.
Wilfred.
Oh, Franklin, have you seen the caterer?
Why do people change? They just go away and change.
[Donna chuckling]
-Oh. [laughing]
From Pop’s drugstore. Always was your favorite, remember?
Look, I just blew into town a couple of minutes ago,
picked this up and came right here
-to see your beautiful face. [giggles]
Oh, Wilfred.
Uh-- uh, this is Jessica Fletcher, Grady’s aunt.
Oh, yes. Um, we’ve heard a great deal about you, Wilfred.
-Haven’t we, Grady? -Yes, a great deal.
You are one lucky hombre here.
Donna always was the girl for me.
But, hey, I’m a man of the road nowadays.
Can’t carry excess baggage.
Excess baggage?
I don’t think that your parents know that you are here, Wilfred.
I just met them. They were so proud of you
winning the Fulbright scholarship.
That was way last year. Listen... got a lot of miles to burn today.
Sorry, Mr. Wynn, Sir, uh, but you’re gonna have to stay a while.
We’re pursuing a criminal investigation.
No, no, man, you don’t understand. See, I’m outta here!
Uh, excuse me. Uh, Sir. Uh, Sir.
Welcome to the wedding.
[Valerie] Oh, yes.
Oh, it is so refreshing to meet someone, my dear.
All this new money around here makes one more depressed than one can say.
Well, I’ll never be able to thank you for rescuing me
from those dreadful people from Los Angeles.
Oh, I despise Los Angeles after living in Grosse Pointe and Boston.
You know, I am surprised that we have never met there.
I used to live in Poughkeepsie.
Did you see Ron and Nancy at the Senators’ ball?
My dear, somebody should tell her that red is really simply outre.
Wasn’t Ron adorable?
Ziggy, dear heart.
I do wish these people would leave one alone.
Who is that dreadful woman?
[Ben] Cousin Clara. I never met her before.
Must be from your side of the family, sport.
My cousin? I thought she was your cousin.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
She must be a party crasher. Or worse.
She sure isn’t family.
Well, we thought you should know.
Mmm. Thanks.
I appreciate it.
Come on, Ziggy. Let’s go score some chicks.
Oh, dear.
Somehow I can’t believe that that poor woman is a murderer.
Mmm.
Well, if that doesn’t beat all.
[Jessica] Have you found the caterer?
-No, Gregory Holden. -Gregory who?
The retired Chief of Police. How’d he get invited?
That’s what I’d like to know. Hey, Gregory!
-Good to see you. -Ah, good to see you.
[Slocum] Hi.
Aunt Clara?
-I just adore weddings, don’t you? -Oh, yes.
Everybody dressed up, and the flowers are so pretty,
and the food, and--
Donna is gonna make such a beautiful bride.
Of course she is.
I think that white looks so becoming
on girls with dark complexion, don’t you think?
Oh, my, yes. Uh, I had dark hair, you know.
Clara, Donna’s hair is blonde.
[chuckles] Oh. So was mine.
Clara, I don’t really think that you’re anybody’s cousin, are you?
Well, I do have some third cousins in North Dakota,
but I’ve never really met them.
I’m afraid everybody else is gone.
Oh, I do love a good party.
So you just invite yourself now and then.
Well, I-- I just tell them I’m a relative.
They never question. Not ever.
It’s, uh, not much fun being alone, you know.
No, it isn’t.
Do you know when they’re gonna start serving the food?
I always bring my biggest purse just in case the food is really good.
[sobbing] I remember when you were just a little girl.
Oh, Mother, don’t. You’ll get me going too.
-And I had hips your size. [sobs]
You know, dear, I’m so glad you decided to take my advice
-and not marry Wilfred. -What?
I always knew he’d turn out peculiar.
But, Mother, you always loved Wilfred.
Now, your Grady, there’s a sweet young man.
-Oh, Mother. -[both crying]
Oh, get a tissue quick. Quick.
Or your mascara will look like snail tracks.
[gasps] Mother?
Yes, dear?
Oh, I know that look, dear.
You know, I was frightened, too, the day I married your father.
No, Mother, it’s Harriet.
She’s in my bathroom!
Well, finally! We’ve been looking all over for her.
Come on. Come on.
No, this way. This way.
No, I’m sorry, Mr. Laughlin, I’m not mistaken.
I’m sure I heard you threatening Harriet this morning.
Okay, okay, so I shot off my mouth.
You think I’m gonna zip somebody to cater a wedding?
A bar mitzvah, maybe.
Well, the food looks delicious.
You obviously managed to get it cooked somewhere.
Yeah. I got the people next door to let me use their kitchen.
Oh, how did you manage that, Kyle?
-I invited them to the wedding. -What?
What did you say? You invited the Morgans?
Yeah. They were kind of ticked off you hadn’t asked them.
-You idiot! -What?
The man’s my biggest competitor.
He’s probably out there right now stealing my clients.
What do you think this is, a social affair?
[scoffs]
That man is mad. The Morgans are vultures.
[woman screaming]
[screaming]
[screams]
[panting] I thought it was a bathroom.
And I thought the door was locked.
I told Grady to do it. I’m gonna kill him.
Franklin, who was that woman?
Nobody, Mrs. Pentworth. Absolutely nobody.
As much as I adore your sweet little daughter, Franklin,
this whole business is-- is much more than I can bear.
My late husband used to tell me,
"Belle, travel to the west side of the Hudson at your own peril."
Uh, I’m afraid you can’t leave, ma’am.
Listen to me, Slocum, and you listen good.
I give the orders here, do you understand?
And Mrs. Pentworth stays!
-But I wish to leave. -That’s right. She leaves.
If you have to. And the wedding goes on when I say it goes on, do you understand?
I plan to make an arrest within 24 hours.
Twenty-four hours? Are you crazy?
The food will spoil! The guests will spoil!
Why do these things always happen to me?
On Donna’s graduation day, I got stuck on the Tappan Zee bridge. And now this.
But, Maisie, Donna did graduate,
and she is going to get married.
Aspirin. I simply must have some aspirin.
Somebody send to the drugstore for some aspirin.
It’s closed on Sundays, ma’am,
but I think I’ve got some in my car.
Excuse me, Chief.
Is that Pop’s drugstore that’s closed on Sunday?
Sure. Where else? This isn’t downtown Chicago, you know.
Yes, well, then how did Wilfred purchase the box of candy there today?
So you did come into town yesterday?
Yeah.
-[Wilfred] Okay. So what? -Well, then--
I’m not accusing you of anything, you understand,
uh, but it does mean that you were capable,
time-wise, of seeing Harriet earlier today.
Yes, but, Chief, if Wilfred had been on the premises
and then left, I mean, the security guard would have noticed.
That’s right. Right.
Uh, well, uh-- [clears throat]
Listen, Wil, there’s, uh, no need to tell your parents about our little chat.
My parents. They don’t know I’m here, do they?
Excuse me. I gotta split.
Why would he lie about being out of town yesterday?
You know, I think that Wilfred is really frightened that his parents
will find out that he was in town but that he never went to visit them.
But why?
Well, evidently, you can take the boy out of the suburbs,
but you can’t take the suburbs out of the boy.
That’s the third time they’re playing the "bunny hop,"
we’re not even married yet.
-I don’t know, Grady. [sighs]
Maybe you’re right. Maybe we should just elope.
[knock on door] -Come in.
Well, I’m sorry. I hate to admit it, but I am stumped.
Nobody, and I mean nobody,
in this house has a real motive for killing Harriet.
But something keeps bothering me.
You see, it looked as if Harriet recognized Ziggy last night
when they were introduced.
But Harriet never worked in Greensboro.
Donna, Ziggy never lived anywhere else, did he?
Are you kidding? He hardly ever even leaves the house.
Well, maybe it was Valerie whom Harriet recognized.
Oh, it couldn’t have been.
Harriet didn’t even know her. She thought that Valerie
was somebody named Mrs. Parker.
-Mrs. Parker? -Mm-hmm.
Donna, are you saying that Harriet called Valerie "Mrs. Parker"?
Oh, yes, just this morning in the kitchen.
Grosse Pointe.
What is goin’ on?
You were right, Mrs. Fletcher.
That phone call you suggested I make to Grosse Pointe proved it.
Wh-- right about what?
That you killed Harriet Lundgren.
I just found this in your window seat.
Well, now, I have never seen that before.
[chuckles] Do you honestly believe
that I need to steal wedding gifts?
No, but I do believe that you had to think
of something very quickly
to create a false motive for Harriet’s murder.
Well, why on earth would I murder this Harriet person?
I didn’t even know her.
Oh, but you did, Valerie,
and she knew you, but under a different name.
She recognized you as a woman called Mrs. Parker
for whom she worked briefly in Grosse Pointe.
Yeah. It seems Mr. Parker died several years ago
under mysterious circumstances.
A couple of weeks after the funeral,
his wife disappeared with the insurance money.
And you think that I am that woman?
The way I’ve got it figured--
Oh, be careful, Sir,
unless you relish a very expensive lawsuit.
Actually, the way Mrs. Fletcher has it figured,
the housekeeper might have threatened to blackmail or expose you.
You stabbed her in the kitchen,
then planted that wrapping paper in her hand
when you moved the body,
kind of as a, uh, misdirection.
[chuckles]
Where I come from, Jessica darlin’,
that is called speculation.
And no little old weddin’ gift is gonna prove anything.
Maybe not. But the police detective who covered the case in Grosse Pointe
is on his way here right now... to identify you.
Well, in that case, then,
I shall refrain from saying another word until I speak to my lawyer.
[organ playing "here comes the bride"]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together
to witness the union of two kindred spirits,
the joining in matrimony of Grady and Donna
as they prepare to tread the pathway of life, hand in hand,
cleaved one to the other in this most holy of God’s estates.
If there’s any person here who knows of any reason
why they should not be united in wedlock,
let him come forward now or forever hold his peace.
-Do you, Grady ambroseFletcher-- [sighs]
take this woman, Donna, to be your lawfully wedded wife,
to love, honor and cherish her, in sickness and in health,
for richer or for poorer, so long as you both shall live?
I do.
And do you, Donna Marie Mayberry,
take this man, Grady, to be your lawfully wedded husband,
to love, honor and cherish him,
in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer,
-so long as you both shall live? -I do.
Then, by the power vested in me by the State of New York,
I declare you husband and wife.
[gasps] -You may kiss the bride.
[chattering]