1 00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:05,071 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:22,589 --> 00:00:25,091 AS YOU CAN SEE, MY SITUATION IS DESPERATE. 3 00:00:25,091 --> 00:00:27,593 WE WERE TRYING TO RESCUE THESE TWO IDIOT AIRMEN 4 00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:29,596 AND OF COURSE THE PLAN WENT WRONG. 5 00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:33,099 NOW WE ARE ALL HANDCUFFED TOGETHER AND THE KEY IS IN BERLIN. 6 00:00:33,099 --> 00:00:36,102 I'M TRYING TO RELEASE MYSELF USING THIS OLD HACKSAW BLADE-- 7 00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:39,105 - ( clangs ) - --WHICH IS BROKEN. 8 00:00:39,105 --> 00:00:42,608 FORTUNATELY, YVETTE AND MICHELLE ARE ON THEIR WAY BY CAPTURED MOTORCYCLE 9 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:45,612 TO THE ESTABLISHMENT OF MONSIEUR ALFONSE THE UNDERTAKER 10 00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:47,614 TO BORROW HIS HAMMER AND CHISEL, 11 00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:49,616 WITH WHICH HE ENGRAVES NAMES ON TOMBSTONES. 12 00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,618 IF HE DOES NOT HURRY, IT WILL BE OUR NAMES 13 00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:53,620 HE WILL BE ENGRAVING. 14 00:00:55,121 --> 00:00:57,623 RENE, HERE COMES MONSIEUR ALFONSE. 15 00:00:57,624 --> 00:00:59,626 OH, THANK HEAVEN FOR THAT. 16 00:01:01,127 --> 00:01:03,629 WHOA-OA... 17 00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:06,633 ( sighs ) GOOD AFTERNOON, MONSIEUR. 18 00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:10,637 AS YOU SEE, I'VE BROUGHT WITH ME THIS SMALL HORSE WITH THE SMALL HEARSE. 19 00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:13,640 NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT. WHERE ARE THE HAMMER AND THE CHISEL? 20 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,142 HERE, I HAVE THEM. 21 00:01:18,144 --> 00:01:22,148 I HAVE ALSO-- WITH GREAT PRESENCE OF MIND-- 22 00:01:22,148 --> 00:01:25,151 BROUGHT WITH ME A SMALL TOMBSTONE 23 00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:27,153 TO ACT AS AN ANVIL. ( grunts ) 24 00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:29,655 IT HAS RENE'S NAME ON IT. 25 00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:34,661 "RENE ARTOIS, HERO OF THE RESISTANCE." 26 00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:36,663 MY MASON WAS GOING ON HOLIDAY. 27 00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:41,167 WITH THE LIFE HE IS LEADING, IT COULD BE NEEDED ANY DAY. 28 00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:43,169 - MONSIEUR RENE? - HMM? 29 00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:45,671 ( clears throat ) 30 00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:48,675 MAY I TROUBLE YOU TO HOLD IN PLACE 31 00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:50,677 THE CHISEL? 32 00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:52,178 ( hacking coughing ) 33 00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:54,680 I SHOULD TAKE YOUR WATCH OFF IF I WERE YOU. 34 00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:56,683 - HE DOESN'T LOOK VERY STEADY. - ( coughs ) 35 00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:59,185 IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S SHOCKPROOF. 36 00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:00,686 HERE GOES. 37 00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:03,689 ( coughs ) 38 00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:06,693 ( groans feebly, coughs ) 39 00:02:08,194 --> 00:02:11,197 - ( groans, coughs ) - WHAT IS HAPPENING? 40 00:02:11,197 --> 00:02:12,698 - NOTHING. - ( clangs ) 41 00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,703 - JAPANESE RUBBISH. - NOW LOOK HERE, 42 00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:19,205 WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF THESE THINGS STRAIGHTAWAY 43 00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:21,207 OR WE'RE ALL FOR THE HIGH JUMP. 44 00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:24,710 - I WILL SHOOT IT OFF. - YOU WILL MISS. 45 00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:26,713 I WILL NOT MISS, I AM A MARKSMAN. 46 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:30,216 YOU?! YOU ARE A TERRIBLE SHOT. 47 00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:34,720 - I WILL DO IT. - NO, YOU WILL NOT DO IT! 48 00:02:34,721 --> 00:02:37,724 GIRLS, STOP IT. CAN YOU NOT SEE WE ARE IN A RIGHT PICKLE? 49 00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:40,727 YOU COULD OF COURSE LIE DOWN ON THE RAILWAY TRACKS. 50 00:02:40,727 --> 00:02:43,730 THE PARIS EXPRESS IS DUE IN 27 MINUTES. 51 00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:45,732 ONE OF US WOULD HAVE TO LIE UNDER THE TRAIN. 52 00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:48,234 IT WOULD ONLY TAKE FOUR TRAINS. 53 00:02:48,234 --> 00:02:50,236 WE WOULD BE FREE BY FRIDAY. 54 00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:55,742 I HAVE IT-- AGENT CRABTREE WILL HAVE THE KEYS TO THE HANDCUFFS 55 00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:59,746 - AT THE POLICE STATION. - HOW DO WE GET TO THE POLICE STATION LIKE THIS?! 56 00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:01,247 WE MUST LEAVE YOU. 57 00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:04,250 WE HAVE TO COLLECT THE BODY OF A DEAD PARROT 58 00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:06,252 TO GO TO THE PET CEMETERY. 59 00:03:07,253 --> 00:03:11,757 OH, RENE, I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE YOU LIKE THIS. 60 00:03:11,758 --> 00:03:14,260 - ( quivering whimper ) - Edith: NONSENSE. 61 00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:15,761 GO AND OPEN THE CAFE! 62 00:03:17,263 --> 00:03:21,267 GOOD LUCK, ALL OF YOU, AND I WILL SEE YOU BACK IN NOUVION. 63 00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:24,770 ( groans, grunts ) GEE UP. 64 00:03:30,009 --> 00:03:33,012 OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW? 65 00:03:34,514 --> 00:03:37,016 LOOK, THE WORKMAN'S HUT. 66 00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:41,020 - WHAT GOOD IS THAT? - I WILL SHOW YOU. COME. 67 00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:45,525 I SAY, WHAT'S GOING ON? 68 00:03:45,525 --> 00:03:49,028 OBVIOUSLY THEY ARE IN A BLUE FUNK ABOUT SOMETHING. 69 00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:51,530 I KNOW-- WE'RE GOING CAMPING. 70 00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:55,535 Edith: LIFT. 71 00:03:55,535 --> 00:03:58,538 BY THE LEFT, QUICK MARCH. 72 00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:02,041 ONE TWO, ONE TWO, ONE TWO... 73 00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:13,052 YOU LOOK VERY DOWNCAST, HERR FLICK. 74 00:04:13,052 --> 00:04:16,055 THAT IS BECAUSE I AM DOWNCAST. 75 00:04:16,055 --> 00:04:18,557 I HAVE BEEN PLAGUED BY DISASTER. 76 00:04:18,558 --> 00:04:21,561 I HAVE HAD ONE STAFF CAR BLOWN UP, 77 00:04:21,561 --> 00:04:24,564 ONE STAFF CAR FLATTENED BY A STEAMROLLER, 78 00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:27,567 I WAS ALL BUT DEMOLISHED BY AN EXPLODING NOSE, 79 00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:31,070 I HAVE BEEN ARRESTED TWICE BY VON KLINKERHOFFEN 80 00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:35,074 AND HELGA HAS JILTED ME FOR A WOP! 81 00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:37,576 WHEN MY GODFATHER, HEINRICH HIMMLER, 82 00:04:37,577 --> 00:04:41,080 HEARS THAT I HAVE FAILED TO INTERROGATE THE AIRMEN, 83 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,582 I FEAR MY EMPLOYMENT WITH THE GESTAPO 84 00:04:43,583 --> 00:04:46,586 - MAY BE TERMINATED. - WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? 85 00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:49,589 I MUST BE PREPARED TO FLY. 86 00:04:49,589 --> 00:04:52,592 TO THIS END, I MUST OBTAIN CASH IN EXCHANGE 87 00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:54,594 FOR THE PORTRAIT OF THE FALLEN MADONNA 88 00:04:54,594 --> 00:04:58,097 WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP. 89 00:04:58,097 --> 00:05:00,599 I-- I HAVE LOST THE THREAD. 90 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,101 WHERE IS IT NOW? 91 00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:05,604 IT IS HANGING IN THE LARDER OF THE CAFE OF RENE ARTOIS 92 00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:07,607 IN A KNOCKWURST SAUSAGE. 93 00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:09,609 IT MUST BE SOLD. 94 00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:13,112 YOU, VON SMALLHAUSEN, MIX WITH LOWLIFE IN THE DISTRICT. 95 00:05:13,112 --> 00:05:17,616 - FIND ME A FENCE. - I WILL TRY, HERR FLICK. 96 00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:19,619 BE MY FRIEND IN THIS MATTER 97 00:05:19,619 --> 00:05:22,121 AND YOU WILL NOT GO UNREWARDED. 98 00:05:22,121 --> 00:05:25,124 YOU CAN RELY ON ME... 99 00:05:25,124 --> 00:05:26,625 OTTO. 100 00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:29,128 MY FRIENDS CALL ME HERR FLICK! 101 00:05:29,128 --> 00:05:31,630 ONLY BOSOM PALS CALL ME OTTO. 102 00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:36,135 AND YOUR BOSOM PAL HAS GONE OFF WITH AN ITAI. 103 00:05:36,135 --> 00:05:39,638 DON'T REMIND ME OF THAT! 104 00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:40,640 ( knocks ) 105 00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:45,645 - WELL, WHAT'S THE NEWS? - THE NEWS IS GOOD, COLONEL. 106 00:05:45,645 --> 00:05:47,647 THE AIRMEN HAVE GONE. 107 00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:51,150 FRENCHMEN DISGUISED AS GERMAN MILITARY PERSONNEL REMOVED THEM. 108 00:05:51,150 --> 00:05:53,152 - DID BERTORELLI SEE? - NO, COLONEL, 109 00:05:53,152 --> 00:05:55,654 I DISTRACTED HIM BY TAKING OFF MOST OF MY CLOTHES 110 00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:58,157 AND DANCING WITH HIM THE TANGO IN MY UNDERWEAR. 111 00:05:59,659 --> 00:06:01,661 DO YOU MEAN THE BLACK UNDERWEAR 112 00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:05,665 WITH THE LITTLE SWASTIKAS ROUND THE EDGES? 113 00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:09,669 - HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS? - WORD GETS AROUND. 114 00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:13,172 AND IN THE DOOR OF YOUR LUXURIOUS ROOM IN THE CHATEAU 115 00:06:13,172 --> 00:06:15,674 IS AN ABNORMALLY LARGE KEYHOLE. 116 00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:17,677 IT SEEMS TO ME THAT WHEN THE GENERAL FINDS OUT 117 00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:19,679 THAT THE BRITISH AIRMEN HAVE GONE, 118 00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:21,681 BLAME MAY FALL UPON US. 119 00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:24,684 I THINK IT IS TIME WE CASHED IN OUR ASSETS. 120 00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:27,186 I NEARLY CASHED IN MINE THIS AFTERNOON. 121 00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:29,688 WHAT HAD YOU IN MIND, COLONEL? 122 00:06:29,689 --> 00:06:32,191 WE SHOULD SELL THE PORTRAIT OF THE FALLEN MADONNA 123 00:06:32,191 --> 00:06:34,693 WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP FOR CASH. 124 00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:37,697 THEN IF ANYTHING HAPPENS, WE'RE MOBILE. 125 00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:41,701 WHERE WILL WE SELL IT? IT WAS, AFTER ALL, STOLEN FROM THE CHATEAU. 126 00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:45,204 GRUBER, YOU DEAL WITH RENE OFTEN. 127 00:06:45,204 --> 00:06:48,207 HE SEEMS TO BE IN TOUCH WITH ALL THE VILLAINS IN THE AREA. 128 00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:50,709 SEE IF HE KNOWS OF A CROOKED FENCE. 129 00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:52,712 YES, COLONEL. 130 00:06:52,712 --> 00:06:54,714 WHERE IS THE PAINTING AT THE MOMENT? 131 00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:57,717 HERE IT IS, 132 00:06:57,717 --> 00:06:59,719 AND HERE IS OUR FUTURE! 133 00:06:59,719 --> 00:07:04,724 WHEN THE RUBBISH HITS THE FAN, WE'LL DIVIDE IT THREE WAYS. 134 00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:05,725 FOUR WAYS. 135 00:07:07,226 --> 00:07:11,230 YOUR DOOR ALSO HAVE THE BIG KEYHOLE. 136 00:07:12,231 --> 00:07:15,234 EDITH, EDITH. 137 00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:17,736 OH-OH! 138 00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:19,739 WILL NOBODY HEAR THE CRIES 139 00:07:19,739 --> 00:07:22,241 OF AN OLD WOMA-AAAAN? 140 00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:26,745 HERE, MADAME FANNY, I HAVE FOR YOU SOME ONION SOUP. 141 00:07:26,746 --> 00:07:29,749 OH-OH, WHY AM I LEFT 142 00:07:29,749 --> 00:07:31,751 FOR HOURS AND HOURS 143 00:07:31,751 --> 00:07:34,754 WITHOUT FOOD AND GIN? 144 00:07:34,754 --> 00:07:38,257 WE HAVE ALL BEEN AWAY TRYING TO RESCUE THE BRITISH AIRMEN 145 00:07:38,257 --> 00:07:41,760 - FROM THE GERMANS. - OH, THE GERMANS! 146 00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:44,764 I HATE THEM! ( spits ) 147 00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,766 OH! 148 00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:51,270 I HAVE MY GRANDFATHER'S DUELING PISTOL 149 00:07:51,270 --> 00:07:53,272 UNDER MY PILLOW. 150 00:07:53,272 --> 00:07:55,774 AND THE NEXT GERMAN I SEE, I WILL SHOOT. 151 00:07:55,775 --> 00:08:00,279 NOW NOW, MADAME FANNY, EAT UP YOUR SOUP. 152 00:08:00,279 --> 00:08:02,781 - ( moans ) - OH, IT WAS VERY EXCITING. 153 00:08:02,782 --> 00:08:04,784 AND WE MANAGED TO RESCUE THE AIRMEN. 154 00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:07,787 OH, ARE THEY BACK IN ENGLAND? 155 00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:10,289 - NO, THEY ARE BACK IN THE CELLAR. - OH. 156 00:08:10,289 --> 00:08:13,792 RENE AND MADAME EDITH HAVE JUST OPENED UP THE CAFE AGAIN. 157 00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:16,796 BUT WHERE IS ERNEST, 158 00:08:16,796 --> 00:08:18,798 MY FIANCE? 159 00:08:18,798 --> 00:08:22,802 OH, YOU WILL BE PROUD OF HIM-- HE DROVE THE GETAWAY CAR. 160 00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:25,304 - OH! - UNFORTUNATELY, HIS BRAKES FAILED AND HE WENT 161 00:08:25,304 --> 00:08:27,306 THROUGH THE WINDOW OF THE PAWNBROKER'S 162 00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:29,808 - AND WE HAVE NOT SEEN HIM SINCE. - OH. 163 00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:33,312 HEY-YYY, FANNY. 164 00:08:33,312 --> 00:08:35,814 - A CURSED GERMAN. - ( gasps ) 165 00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:38,317 ( Yvette screams ) 166 00:08:45,825 --> 00:08:47,827 ( glass clatters ) 167 00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:50,329 - RENE, YOUR HAND IS STILL SHAKING! - OH. 168 00:08:50,329 --> 00:08:52,831 IT IS NOT USUAL FOR YOU TO DRINK AT THIS HOUR OF THE DAY. 169 00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:54,333 OH, I AM SHATTERED, EDITH! 170 00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:57,336 I DO NOT HAVE THE STOMACH FOR THIS KIND OF THING, YOU KNOW. 171 00:08:57,336 --> 00:09:00,339 WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU MUST SHOW NO SIGN OF NERVES. 172 00:09:00,339 --> 00:09:04,343 - WHAT IF SOMEBODY SAW US AND RECOGNIZED US? - GET HOLD OF YOURSELF! 173 00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:07,346 - HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO. - ( both scream ) 174 00:09:11,851 --> 00:09:14,353 OH, GOOD EVENING, HERR FLICK. 175 00:09:14,353 --> 00:09:16,355 ( falters ) DO YOU WISH A TABLE? 176 00:09:16,355 --> 00:09:18,857 I CAN THROW SOME PEASANTS OUT INTO THE STREET. 177 00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:21,861 - A CIGAR, A FREE DRINK? - OH, SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. 178 00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:23,863 SHUT UP. 179 00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:26,866 YOU HAVE SECRETED IN YOUR LARDER A KNOCKWURST SAUSAGE 180 00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:29,869 CONTAINING THE PORTRAIT OF THE FALLEN MADONNA BY VAN CLOMP. 181 00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:32,872 THE ONE WITH THE BIG BOOBIES. 182 00:09:32,872 --> 00:09:36,375 OH, THAT ONE. YES YES, I WAS SAVING IT FOR YOU UNTIL AFTER THE WAR. 183 00:09:36,375 --> 00:09:38,877 - I REQUIRE IT NOW. - YES, OF COURSE, HERR FLICK-- 184 00:09:38,878 --> 00:09:41,881 AT ONCE. MIMI, MIMI, EH-- RUN DOWN INTO THE CELLAR 185 00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:45,384 AND GET FOR THIS NICE GESTAPO OFFICER HIS SAUSAGE. 186 00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:47,386 IT WILL NOT BE A MOMENT, HERR FLICK. 187 00:09:47,386 --> 00:09:50,389 I WILL NOT TAKE IT WITH ME. I DO NOT WISH TO BE SEEN IN PUBLIC 188 00:09:50,389 --> 00:09:52,891 WITH KNOCKWURST SAUSAGE. 189 00:09:52,892 --> 00:09:55,895 YOU WILL BRING IT TO ME TONIGHT AT MY SECRET HEADQUARTERS. 190 00:09:55,895 --> 00:09:58,898 32 RUE DE GASGOINE-- 191 00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:04,904 MY FORMERLY SECRET HEADQUARTERS. 192 00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:13,412 YOU PEASANTS MAY ALL START CHATTERING AGAIN. I AM LEAVING. 193 00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:18,918 YOU CANNOT BEAT THE GESTAPO AS PARTY POOPERS. 194 00:10:26,425 --> 00:10:28,427 RENE, I DO NOT KNOW WHICH ONE IT IS. 195 00:10:28,427 --> 00:10:30,929 IT HAS A LITTLE SWASTIKA ON IT. 196 00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:32,431 OH, I HID IT IN A DRAWER 197 00:10:32,431 --> 00:10:34,433 SO IT WOULD NOT BE CONSUMED BY ACCIDENT. 198 00:10:36,435 --> 00:10:39,938 ( gasps ) THE MICE HAVE EATEN IT! 199 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:42,941 THEY HAVE MADE A NEST IN THE PORTRAIT 200 00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:45,945 OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP! 201 00:10:46,946 --> 00:10:49,949 YOU STUPID WOMAN! 202 00:10:49,949 --> 00:10:52,952 IF YOU HAD LEFT THIS HANGING THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED. 203 00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:57,957 OH, RENE, I AM SORRY. I HAVE FAILED YOU AGAIN. 204 00:10:57,957 --> 00:11:00,960 I WILL BEAT MYSELF WITH THIS SPAGHETTI. 205 00:11:02,461 --> 00:11:05,964 - EDITH. - ( screams ) 206 00:11:05,965 --> 00:11:07,967 FOR GOD'S SAKE. 207 00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:12,471 SIX WEEKS AS A TRAINEE NUN REALLY GOT TO YOU, 208 00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:14,473 DID IT NOT? 209 00:11:14,473 --> 00:11:18,477 - WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? - I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS GUNG-HO EXISTENCE. 210 00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:20,979 MY NERVES HAVE GONE COMPLETELY. 211 00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:22,982 I STILL HAVE TWO BARS OF THE GENERAL'S GOLD 212 00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:24,984 THAT WE STOLE FROM THE POLICE STATION. 213 00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:26,986 I NEVER FOUND OUT WHERE YOU HID IT. 214 00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:30,489 I MELTED IT DOWN. IT IS NOW THE WEIGHT ON THE CUCKOO CLOCK. 215 00:11:30,489 --> 00:11:32,491 WHEN THE CAFE CLOSES TONIGHT, WE WILL CREEP OFF 216 00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:35,494 AND HEAD FOR THE COAST. WE WILL FIND A BOAT AND ROW TO ENGLAND. 217 00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:37,996 BUT MY MOTHER DOES NOT LIKE THE SEA. 218 00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:41,500 - WE WILL NOT BE TAKING HER. - I CANNOT LEAVE MY MOTHER BEHIND. 219 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:44,002 - YOU COME UP WITH A BETTER PLAN. - WELL-- 220 00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:46,005 RENE, LIEUTENANT GRUBER WANTS YOU IN THE BAR. 221 00:11:46,005 --> 00:11:48,007 - HE SAYS THAT IT IS URGENT. - ( Rene grumbles ) 222 00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:50,009 I MUST COMPOSE MYSELF. 223 00:11:50,009 --> 00:11:53,012 HE MUST NOT SUSPECT THAT THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME WE MEET. 224 00:11:56,515 --> 00:11:59,518 MADAME EDITH, I THINK WE SHOULD GO. 225 00:11:59,518 --> 00:12:01,520 MONSIEUR LECLERC CAN LOOK AFTER YOUR MOTHER 226 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:05,023 AND I WILL PUT A SUICIDE PILL IN THE COCOA OF YVETTE. 227 00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:07,026 WELL, IT WILL MAKE THE GOLD GO FURTHER. 228 00:12:07,026 --> 00:12:09,028 CERTAINLY NOT! 229 00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:13,032 OH MY CHILD, WHAT HAS BECOME OF YOU? MONEY HAS CORRUPTED YOU! 230 00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:15,034 IT WAS JUST AN IDEA. 231 00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:18,037 YOU MUST DRIVE SUCH THOUGHTS RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD. 232 00:12:19,538 --> 00:12:21,540 ( screams ) 233 00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:27,680 OH, SORRY TO KEEP YOU, LIEUTENANT. 234 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,182 I WAS IN THE LARDER. DO YOU WISH A COGNAC? 235 00:12:30,182 --> 00:12:32,184 - A LARGE ONE. - AH YES. 236 00:12:32,184 --> 00:12:33,685 I WILL HAVE ONE AS WELL. ( chuckles ) 237 00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:36,188 YOU ARE LOOKING VERY PALE, RENE. 238 00:12:36,188 --> 00:12:38,190 UH, WELL, I WAS STOCKTAKING. 239 00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:41,193 I FOUND I WAS A SAUSAGE SHORT. 240 00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:44,196 AH, GOOD EVENING, LIEUTENANT GRUBER. 241 00:12:44,196 --> 00:12:47,199 I AM GLAD YOU ARE HERE, MADAME EDITH. I NEED YOUR HELP. 242 00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:50,702 YOU BOTH HAVE CONTACTS WITH THE UNDERWORLD-- 243 00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:52,705 I NEED A CROOKED MAN. 244 00:12:56,208 --> 00:12:59,211 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH HIM? 245 00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:03,716 WHEN GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN FINDS OUT 246 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,718 THAT THE AIRMEN ARE MISSING, 247 00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,720 THINGS MAY GET A BIT HOT. 248 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,222 WE MUST BE IN A POSITION TO DEPART HASTILY 249 00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:13,725 TO LISBON, PERHAPS-- OR SOME NEUTRAL COUNTRY. 250 00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:16,228 FOR THIS, WE NEED MONEY. 251 00:13:16,228 --> 00:13:18,730 WE ARE PREPARED TO SELL THE PORTRAIT 252 00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:21,233 OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP 253 00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:23,735 AT A VERY ADVANTAGEOUS PRICE. 254 00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:26,238 OH, YOU NEED A BENT FENCE. 255 00:13:26,238 --> 00:13:29,241 YES-- OR UH... 256 00:13:29,241 --> 00:13:32,244 AN ORDINARY FENCE WOULD SUFFICE. 257 00:13:32,244 --> 00:13:33,745 I SEE. WELL, I'LL DO WHAT I CAN. 258 00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:36,749 BLESS YOU, RENE. CALL ME AS SOON AS YOU HAVE NEWS. 259 00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:40,252 LIEUTENANT GRUBER, 260 00:13:40,252 --> 00:13:44,256 IF WE FIND YOU A FENCE, WOULD THE PAINTING BE AVAILABLE IMMEDIATELY? 261 00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:46,258 IT IS BUT A TELEPHONE CALL AWAY. 262 00:13:46,258 --> 00:13:48,760 AH, LEAVE IT TO US. 263 00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:50,763 - RENE. - HUH? 264 00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:53,265 - I HAVE A PLAN. - HIT ME WITH IT. 265 00:13:53,265 --> 00:13:57,269 WHY DO WE NOT ARRANGE TO GIVE LIEUTENANT GRUBER THE GOLD FOR THE PAINTING? 266 00:13:57,269 --> 00:13:59,771 THEN WE CAN GIVE THE PAINTING TO HERR FLICK 267 00:13:59,772 --> 00:14:02,775 AND WE WOULD NOT HAVE TO LEAVE TOWN AND GO TO ENGLAND. 268 00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:06,278 THEY SAY THE FOOD IS TERRIBLE. 269 00:14:06,278 --> 00:14:09,281 YOU COULD BE RIGHT, BUT WHERE ARE WE GOING TO FIND 270 00:14:09,281 --> 00:14:10,782 A CROOKED FENCE THAT WE CAN TRUST? 271 00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:14,286 I THINK I KNOW SUCH A MAN. 272 00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:17,789 COLONELO, IS RENE FROM THE CAFE. 273 00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:20,292 HE HAVE-A THE GOOD NEWS. HE FIND-A THE FENCE. 274 00:14:20,292 --> 00:14:21,793 BRING HIM OVER, WE MAKE-A THE DEAL. 275 00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:25,798 NO, NOT HERE! TELL HIM WE'LL MEET HIM AT THE CAFE. 276 00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:29,301 I MAKE-A THE MISTAKE. TELL HIM WE MEET HIM AT YOUR PLACE. 277 00:14:29,301 --> 00:14:32,304 OKAY. IS-A FIXED. 278 00:14:37,309 --> 00:14:39,311 ( doorbell dings ) 279 00:14:39,311 --> 00:14:40,312 GOOD MOANING. 280 00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:44,316 GOOD MOANING. 281 00:14:44,316 --> 00:14:47,319 I WANT A TIBLE FOR TWO BY THE WANDOW. 282 00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:52,825 LOOK, WE ARE VERY BUSY, AND YOU ARE A VERY GREAT RISK. 283 00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:57,329 I'M HAVING DINNER WITH A FEMALE BRITISH SECRET URGENT. 284 00:14:57,329 --> 00:15:00,332 SHE HAS BEEN DRIPPED BY PARASHAT. 285 00:15:00,332 --> 00:15:02,834 WELL, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, DO NOT BRING HER IN HERE. 286 00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:06,839 WE WERE TROONED TOGETHER AT THE SCHOOL OF INTOLIGENCE. 287 00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:09,842 - YOU MUST MOOT HER. - ( sighs ) 288 00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:13,345 THIS IS RONNIE ARTOIS. 289 00:15:13,345 --> 00:15:16,348 GOOD MOANING. 290 00:15:20,352 --> 00:15:23,355 DO THEY NOT TEACH ANY OF YOU TO SPEAK FRENCH? 291 00:15:23,355 --> 00:15:27,359 THEY HAVE A VERY STRANGE OCCENT IN THIS DUSTRICT. 292 00:15:27,359 --> 00:15:30,362 I EXPECT THEY ARE POSANTS. 293 00:15:30,362 --> 00:15:33,365 WE WERE TROONED TO TALK PISH. 294 00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:37,870 - RENE, THE COLONEL IS HERE. - OH MY GOD, QUICK-- 295 00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:39,371 SIT DOWN-- THERE THERE. 296 00:15:39,371 --> 00:15:41,373 AND FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE KEEP YOUR VOICES LOW. 297 00:15:41,373 --> 00:15:44,876 IF THERE IS ANY TRIBLE, I HAVE A GIN IN MY BOG. 298 00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:49,881 I AM VERY GLAD TO HEAR IT. COME IN, COLONEL. PLEASE, THIS WAY. 299 00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:52,885 OUT OUT, OUT OUT. SIT OVER HERE, COLONEL, 300 00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:56,388 AWAY FROM THE WINDOW, DOWN THERE. THANK YOU. 301 00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:58,390 - LIEUTENANT-- - HAVE YOU FIXED THE FENCE? 302 00:15:58,390 --> 00:16:00,392 OH, YES, I HAVE FIXED THE FENCE, YES. 303 00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:03,395 THE DUCKS WILL NOT ESCAPE AGAIN. 304 00:16:03,395 --> 00:16:07,399 - WHAT IS HE TALK ABOUT, EH? - IT IS THE MAN TO BUY THE PAINTING. 305 00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:09,901 IT IS MOST IMPORTANT THAT HE DOESN'T RECOGNIZE ME. 306 00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:12,905 OF COURSE, LIKE YOU, HE DOES NOT WISH TO BE RECOGNIZED EITHER. 307 00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:15,908 THE MEETING WILL TAKE PLACE IN THE BACKROOM. 308 00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:17,910 HE WILL BE WEARING ON HIS HEAD A PAPER BAG. 309 00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:19,912 HMM, IN THAT CASE, 310 00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:21,914 I TOO WILL WEAR A PAPER BAG. 311 00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:24,416 YES, I HAVE ONE HERE FOR YOU ALREADY. 312 00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:27,419 HERE, HANG ABOUT A MINUTE AND HOLD EVERYTHING. 313 00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:30,922 YOU IN THE BACKROOM WITH THE PAINTING AND THE MONEY, 314 00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:33,926 WHILE WE SIT HERE LIKE-A THE LEMONS? 315 00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:36,929 HOW WE KNOW YOU NOT SCARPER THROUGH THE BACK WINDOW? 316 00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:40,432 HOW DARE YOU IMPUGN THE HONOR OF A GERMAN OFFICER?! 317 00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:42,934 HOW MANY OF YOU THINK I WOULD DO A THING LIKE THIS? 318 00:16:46,438 --> 00:16:49,441 EDITH, THREE MORE PAPER BAGS, EH? 319 00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:59,951 - YEAH HA HA. - ( Fanny sobs ) 320 00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:04,456 ERNEST, MY FIANCE. 321 00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:07,959 DEAR FANNY, I HAVE COME TO STUFF YOUR MATTRESS. 322 00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:13,465 COULD YOU SAY THAT AGAIN? 323 00:17:13,465 --> 00:17:15,967 I HAVE COME TO STUFF YOUR MATTRESS. 324 00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:19,972 OH, THAT WAS WHAT I THOUGHT YOU SAID. 325 00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:22,975 FOR THE LAST FOUR NIGHTS I'VE BEEN FORGING MONEY. 326 00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:24,977 IT IS FOR OUR HONEYMOON. 327 00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:27,479 AFTER THAT, WE CAN RUN AWAY 328 00:17:27,479 --> 00:17:29,481 AND LIVE IN A LITTLE GARRET 329 00:17:29,481 --> 00:17:33,485 - LOOKING OVER THE ROOFS OF PARIS. - ( laughs ) 330 00:17:33,485 --> 00:17:36,488 WHY DO YOU NOT FORGE SOME MORE 331 00:17:36,488 --> 00:17:38,990 THEN WE CAN GET ONE WITH A LIFT? 332 00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:44,496 - RENE? - HUH? 333 00:17:44,496 --> 00:17:46,998 - HAVE YOU THE PAPER BAG? - OH YES, IT IS HERE. 334 00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:51,003 MIMI, GO AND TELL THEM THE FENCE IS HERE, EH? 335 00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:53,005 THE FENCE IS HERE. 336 00:17:58,510 --> 00:18:01,012 NO NO NO, CROUCH DOWN BEHIND THE BAR, 337 00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:03,515 WE DO NOT WANT THE CUSTOMERS TO SEE YOU. 338 00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:05,517 ( whispers ) THEY ARE PREPARED. 339 00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:07,519 - IN YOU GO, MONSIEUR ALFONSE. - HUH? 340 00:18:07,519 --> 00:18:10,021 NO. ( grumbles ) 341 00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:16,828 ( whispers ) 342 00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:19,831 SIT DOWN. 343 00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:21,333 NO, OVER THERE. 344 00:18:23,335 --> 00:18:27,339 NOW, UH, THIS IS COLONEL X. 345 00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:32,845 THIS IS CAPTAIN X... 346 00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:35,848 LIEUTENANT X, 347 00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:38,851 - AND PRIVATE X. - LANCE CORPORAL X. 348 00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:41,854 OH, LANCE CORPORAL X. 349 00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:44,356 AND THIS IS, UM... 350 00:18:44,356 --> 00:18:45,857 X. 351 00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:54,866 WHO IS THE PRINCIPAL IN THIS MATTER WITH WHOM I SHOULD NEGOTIATE? 352 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:57,870 THE COLONELO VON STROHM. 353 00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:05,878 YOU IDIOT! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ANONYMOUS, BERTORELLI! 354 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:11,383 I AM SURE THAT X WILL WIPE THIS FROM HIS MIND. 355 00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:13,885 ( chuckles ) DO NOT WORRY, MONSIEUR, 356 00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:17,389 WE UNDERTAKERS CAN BE VERY DISCREET. DAMN! 357 00:19:19,391 --> 00:19:21,393 WE DID NOT HEAR THAT. 358 00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:25,397 HE SAY THE UNDERTAKERS-- THEY ARE VERY DISCREET. 359 00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:27,399 - ( wheezing ) - Gruber: WHAT IS THE MATTER? 360 00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:29,901 IT IS HIS DICKY TICKER. 361 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:35,407 NOW, UH... 362 00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:38,910 TO BUSINESS-- WE HAVE THE PAINTING. 363 00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:41,413 - WHERE IS THE MONEY? - HERE IT IS. 364 00:19:41,413 --> 00:19:44,416 ( gasps ) IT IS THE WEIGHT OF A CUCKOO CLOCK. 365 00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:47,419 AH, YES, BUT IT IS GOLD. 366 00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:48,420 LOOK. 367 00:19:51,423 --> 00:19:54,426 WE NO WANT-A THE GOLD, WE WANT-A THE MONEY! 368 00:19:54,426 --> 00:19:56,928 ON THE OTHER HAND, 369 00:19:56,929 --> 00:20:00,432 FRENCH FRANCS MAY NOT EASILY BE NEGOTIATED 370 00:20:00,432 --> 00:20:02,434 WHERE WE MAY BE GOING. 371 00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,436 GOLD IS ACCEPTABLE EVERYWHERE. 372 00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:07,439 YOU'RE QUITE-A CORRECT, LIEUTENANT GRUBER-- 373 00:20:07,439 --> 00:20:08,940 AH, DAMN! 374 00:20:10,442 --> 00:20:13,945 PUT UP YOUR HANDS, THOSE THAT THINK WE SHOULD HAVE THE GOLD. 375 00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:19,451 YOU'VE BEEN OUTVOTED, HELGA. DAMN! 376 00:20:24,456 --> 00:20:27,459 ( British accent ) I THINK WE SHOULD SPEAK ONLY IN FRENCH. 377 00:20:27,459 --> 00:20:30,462 I AGREE-- WE MIGHT BE OVERHEARD. 378 00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:35,467 Both: CHORRS. 379 00:20:38,470 --> 00:20:40,972 SOOING YOU HERE AGAIN, 380 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,475 IT ALL COMES BERK TO ME. 381 00:20:43,475 --> 00:20:46,978 THAT NIT ON THE BONK OF THE THAMES... 382 00:20:53,485 --> 00:20:56,488 HAVING A PUCKNICK IN A PINT... 383 00:20:57,489 --> 00:20:59,991 AND THEN A CUSS AND A KIDDLE. 384 00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:02,995 CUSS ME AS YOU CUSSED ME THEN. 385 00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:06,498 PEOPLE ARE LICKING. 386 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,502 THEN HOLD MY HIND. 387 00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:14,506 SQUEEZE IT TITLY. 388 00:21:16,508 --> 00:21:19,010 I THINK IT HAD BETTER BE ONDER THE TIBLE. 389 00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:25,517 NOW, ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR YOU, 390 00:21:25,517 --> 00:21:29,521 - AND ONE FOR YOU. - HOLD-A A MINUTE. 391 00:21:29,521 --> 00:21:33,024 THIS END-A BIT WHICH I GOT IS MORE SMALLER THAN THE OTHER BITS. 392 00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:36,528 - THIS IS MOST UNSATISFACTORY. - I AGREE. 393 00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:38,530 WE MUST EXCHANGE THE GOLD FOR HARD CASH. 394 00:21:38,530 --> 00:21:41,032 - ME, I AGREE. - I AGREE. 395 00:21:41,033 --> 00:21:44,536 OH, VERY WELL. GRUBER GET ON TO RENE. 396 00:21:44,536 --> 00:21:47,539 WE NEED ANOTHER FENCE. 397 00:21:47,539 --> 00:21:51,042 NOW I WANT YOU TO PUT ON YOUR HAT AND COAT, 398 00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:53,545 AND TAKE THIS PAINTING TO HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO 399 00:21:53,545 --> 00:21:57,048 AT HIS SECRET HEADQUARTERS, NUMBER 32 RUE DE GASGOINE, EH? 400 00:21:58,550 --> 00:22:01,553 - IS THIS THE REAL ONE? - NO, OF COURSE NOT. 401 00:22:01,553 --> 00:22:04,055 IT IS A SPARE FORGERY I HAD LYING ABOUT. 402 00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:06,058 OH, QUICK, SOMEBODY IS COMING. 403 00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:11,563 RENE, I HAVE JUST BEEN TIDYING THE BED OF YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW 404 00:22:11,563 --> 00:22:15,567 AND I FOUND 10 BUNDLES OF MONEY LIKE THIS STUFFED IN THE MATTRESS. 405 00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:18,570 SHE MUST HAVE BEEN ROBBING THE TILL FOR YEARS. 406 00:22:18,570 --> 00:22:22,073 - ( phone rings ) - SHE SAID THAT MONSIEUR LECLERC DID IT. 407 00:22:22,074 --> 00:22:24,076 OH, IN THAT CASE IT MUST BE FORGED. 408 00:22:24,076 --> 00:22:26,078 WE MUST NOT LET HIM SPEND ANY OF IT IN HERE. 409 00:22:26,078 --> 00:22:29,581 LIEUTENANT GRUBER IS ON THE TELEPHONE. HE WISHES TO SPEAK TO YOU, RENE. 410 00:22:29,581 --> 00:22:31,082 OH, HECK. 411 00:22:31,083 --> 00:22:33,585 HELLO? 412 00:22:33,585 --> 00:22:37,088 - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - I HAVE TO GO AND DELIVER THE PAINTING TO HERR FLICK. 413 00:22:37,089 --> 00:22:40,592 HE SHOULD HAVE SENT ME. I HAVE BEEN HERE LONGER THAN YOU. 414 00:22:40,592 --> 00:22:43,094 WELL, I AM TOUGHER THAN YOU. 415 00:22:43,095 --> 00:22:47,099 - OH, YES. WHO SAYS? - I SAY. 416 00:22:47,099 --> 00:22:48,600 - HUH? - YOU WANNA TRY ME? 417 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:53,605 HA HA HA, I COULD TAKE YOU WITH ONE FINGER. 418 00:22:53,605 --> 00:22:55,607 - WHICH FINGER? - THIS ONE. 419 00:22:56,608 --> 00:22:58,109 ( screams ) 420 00:22:59,611 --> 00:23:04,115 GIRLS, GIRLS, STOP IT! STOP IT! 421 00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:06,618 MIMI, GET ABOUT YOUR ERRAND. YVETTE, COMPOSE YOURSELF. 422 00:23:06,618 --> 00:23:09,120 - MIMI, GO! - OH. 423 00:23:10,622 --> 00:23:12,123 Yvette: OOH! 424 00:23:14,192 --> 00:23:18,696 OH, RENE, I LOVE IT WHEN YOU ARE SO MASTERFUL. 425 00:23:18,697 --> 00:23:21,199 IT MAKES ME TINGLE ALL OVER. 426 00:23:21,199 --> 00:23:23,201 YOU WILL TINGLE A WHOLE LOT MORE WHEN I TELL YOU 427 00:23:23,201 --> 00:23:26,204 THAT THE GERMANS WANT CASH INSTEAD OF THE GOLD WE GAVE TO THEM. 428 00:23:26,204 --> 00:23:27,705 - OH, NO. - NEVER MIND. 429 00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:30,208 I HAVE THOUGHT OF A WAY IN WHICH WE CAN GET THE GOLD BACK 430 00:23:30,208 --> 00:23:33,711 AND GET RID OF THIS FORGED MONEY WITHOUT EDITH KNOWING, 431 00:23:33,712 --> 00:23:35,714 AND WITHOUT ANY RISK OF DISCOVERY. 432 00:23:35,714 --> 00:23:37,215 MONSIEUR ALFONSE. 433 00:23:37,215 --> 00:23:39,217 NO, ME. 434 00:23:42,220 --> 00:23:45,223 THE PLAN IS AS FOLLOWS, COLONEL: 435 00:23:45,223 --> 00:23:48,226 YOU ARE TO GO TO THE CHURCH AT MIDNIGHT. 436 00:23:48,226 --> 00:23:51,229 YOU ARE TO GO INTO THE CONFESSIONAL BOX. 437 00:23:51,229 --> 00:23:55,233 YOU WILL SAY, "FATHER, I HAVE SINNED." 438 00:23:55,233 --> 00:23:59,237 AND THE PRIEST WILL SAY, "WHAT IS YOUR SIN?" 439 00:23:59,237 --> 00:24:02,240 YOU WILL THEN CONFESS TO SOMETHING AND SAY THAT YOU WISH 440 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:04,242 TO GIVE GOLD TO THE CHURCH. 441 00:24:04,242 --> 00:24:07,245 THE LITTLE TRAPDOOR WILL OPEN, YOU WILL PUSH THE GOLD THROUGH, 442 00:24:07,245 --> 00:24:09,747 AND YOU WILL RECEIVE IN RETURN THE CASH. 443 00:24:09,748 --> 00:24:12,250 AND WE WILL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU. 444 00:24:12,250 --> 00:24:15,753 SO YOU NO SCARPER WITH-A THE DOUGH THROUGH THE VESTRY. 445 00:24:22,260 --> 00:24:24,762 I'VE LET DOWN THE TIRES OF THE BICYCLE OF THE PRIEST. 446 00:24:24,763 --> 00:24:27,265 HE WILL HAVE TO WALK. HE WILL BE VERY LATE. 447 00:24:27,265 --> 00:24:29,767 - GOOD LUCK. - ( moans ) 448 00:24:30,769 --> 00:24:32,771 ( quivering whimper ) 449 00:24:32,771 --> 00:24:35,774 BLESS YOU, MY CHILD. 450 00:25:19,818 --> 00:25:23,321 - YES? - FATHER, I HAVE SINNED. 451 00:25:28,827 --> 00:25:32,831 ( feeble voice ) WHAT IS YOUR SIN, MY CHILD? 452 00:25:32,831 --> 00:25:36,835 I AM GUILTY OF CRUEL AND JEALOUS THOUGHTS. 453 00:25:36,835 --> 00:25:40,338 WHAT ARE THESE THOUGHTS? 454 00:25:40,338 --> 00:25:42,840 I HAVE SUSPECTED MY HUSBAND OF HAVING A DING-DONG 455 00:25:42,841 --> 00:25:45,844 WITH ONE OF OUR WAITRESSES, IF NOT BOTH. 456 00:25:47,846 --> 00:25:51,349 YOU STUPID WOMAN, 457 00:25:51,349 --> 00:25:54,852 IT IS A MORTAL SIN TO HAVE SUCH A THOUGHT. 458 00:25:55,854 --> 00:25:58,356 HE IS A FINE MAN. 459 00:25:58,356 --> 00:26:00,858 DO 200 "HAIL MARYS" 460 00:26:00,859 --> 00:26:03,862 AND DO NOT THINK OF IT AGAIN. 461 00:26:04,863 --> 00:26:06,865 ( silent ) 462 00:26:17,876 --> 00:26:19,878 OH, UH... 463 00:26:19,878 --> 00:26:21,880 I'M SORRY, I, UH, I WAS JUST PASSING 464 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:24,382 SO I POPPED IN FOR A QUICK PRAYER. 465 00:26:24,382 --> 00:26:28,386 - AND I FOUND YOU A CUSTOMER. - THANK YOU, FATHER. 466 00:26:28,386 --> 00:26:30,388 DEPART IN PEACE. 467 00:26:45,904 --> 00:26:48,907 WAIT FOR ME HERE. 468 00:26:59,417 --> 00:27:03,421 - YES? - FATHER, I HAVE SINNED. 469 00:27:03,421 --> 00:27:05,423 TELL ME YOUR SIN. 470 00:27:05,423 --> 00:27:07,425 I'VE BEEN VERY RUDE ABOUT HITLER. 471 00:27:07,425 --> 00:27:10,428 THIS IS NOT A SIN, MY SON. 472 00:27:10,428 --> 00:27:12,930 IT IS WHERE I COME FROM. 473 00:27:14,432 --> 00:27:16,434 I WISH TO GIVE GOLD TO THE CHURCH. 474 00:27:16,434 --> 00:27:18,436 AH! 475 00:27:20,939 --> 00:27:22,941 THIS IS MOST GENEROUS. 476 00:27:22,941 --> 00:27:24,943 ( whispers ) WHERE'S THE MONEY? 477 00:27:24,943 --> 00:27:28,446 - WHAT MONEY? - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME MONEY. 478 00:27:28,446 --> 00:27:30,948 YOU HAVE THE WRONG IDEA, MY SON. 479 00:27:30,949 --> 00:27:33,952 WE DO NOT GIVE MONEY, WE TAKE IT. 480 00:27:33,952 --> 00:27:36,955 SAY THREE "HAIL MARYS" AND GO IN PEACE. 481 00:27:43,461 --> 00:27:46,464 - WHERE'S THE MONEY? - I DID NOT GET ANY MONEY. 482 00:27:46,464 --> 00:27:48,966 - WHAT DID YOU GET? - I GAVE HIM THE GOLD 483 00:27:48,967 --> 00:27:51,469 AND I GOT THREE "HAIL MARYS." 484 00:27:51,469 --> 00:27:54,972 AND NO RECEIPT. 485 00:27:54,973 --> 00:27:58,977 WE HAVE BEEN DIDDLED BY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH! 486 00:28:00,478 --> 00:28:02,480 ( theme music playing )