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00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:06,072
( theme music playing )
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YOU ARE PROBABLY
SAYING TO YOURSELVES,
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"HELLO, WHAT IS
THIS MAN UP TO?"
4
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I WILL TELL YOU.
5
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HE IS UP TO
THE CUCKOO CLOCK.
6
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HE IS TRYING TO WEDGE
THE LITTLE DOOR.
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AND WHY IS HE DOING THAT?
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I WILL SHOW YOU.
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( clock cuckoos )
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THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS
11
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WHEN YOU REPLACE
THE REAL WEIGHT
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WITH ONE MADE FROM
FOUR BARS OF PURE GOLD
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BELONGING TO
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN,
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WHICH I HAD
STOLEN EARLIER,
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MELTED DOWN
AND PAINTED BROWN.
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I AM, OF COURSE,
TRYING TO PUT OUT OF MY MIND
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THE 257 EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS
18
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WHICH ARE STILL
IN MY CELLAR,
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EACH ONE MARKED,
"BEST BEFORE D-DAY,"
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WHATEVER THAT MAY MEAN.
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OTHERWISE, YOU WILL BE
PLEASED TO HEAR THAT THE PAINTING
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OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH A LOT UP TOP BY VAN CLOMP,
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TOGETHER WITH THE PAINTING
OF THE CRACKED VASE
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WITH THE BIG DAISIES
BY VAN GOGH,
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WHICH WE RECENTLY RETRIEVED
FROM UNDER THE VERY NOSES OF THE GERMAN GENERALS,
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ARE SAFELY HIDDEN IN
THESE PACKETS OF SPAGHETTI.
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SO FOR ONCE,
I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO A LITTLE PEACE.
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OH, RENE.
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AND HERE SHE IS.
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MY BODY IS
CRYING OUT FOR YOU.
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TAKE ME IN YOUR ARMS.
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Both:
OOH!
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OH, RENE!
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WHAT IS HAPPENING?
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DO NOT FIGHT IT,
YVETTE.
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IT IS BIGGER
THAN BOTH OF US.
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RENE. RENE!
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WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND HER?
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YOU STUPID WOMAN.
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JUST BECAUSE
THERE IS A WAR ON,
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BALLROOM DANCING
CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO DIE OUT.
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NOW ONCE AGAIN,
SLOW, SLOW, QUICK, QUICK, SLOW.
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( both humming )
♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA. ♪
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YES, VERY GOOD, YVETTE.
NOW RUN ALONG.
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SHALL WE TANGO, EDITH?
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YES, YES, I KNOW IT IS
BEFORE LUNCHTIME,
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BUT AFTER ALL,
WE ARE MAN AND WIFE.
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RENE, I THINK
I SHOULD TELL YOU
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MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
HAS JUST PROPOSED TO ME.
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BUT EDITH,
YOU ARE MY WIFE.
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IN THE EYES
OF THE WORLD
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I AM THE WIFE
OF YOUR DEAD TWIN BROTHER.
53
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BUT I AM
MY DEAD TWIN BROTHER.
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I HAVE DECIDED TO MARRY
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
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WHAT?
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HE LOVES ME.
YOU DO NOT.
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BUT IF YOU MARRY HIM
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HE WILL OWN THIS CAFE
AND EVERYTHING IN IT.
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SO?
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EDITH! EDITH,
COME BACK HERE.
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WHAT FOOLISH NOTIONS
HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING
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INTO THE EMPTY HEAD
OF MY WIFE?
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SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE.
YOU ARE DEAD.
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WHO SAYS SO?
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I DO.
I AM THE UNDERTAKER.
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I BURIED YOU.
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WELL, I AM A VERY
DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER.
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I MUST NOW ASK PERMISSION
FOR YOUR HAND
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FROM YOUR CHARMING MOTHER.
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- WHERE IS SHE?
- SHE IS RESTING.
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ON THE THIRD FLOOR.
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I KNOW. I KNOW.
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IT IS A LONG STEEP CLIMB.
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BE CAREFUL OF
YOUR DICKY TICKER.
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I SHALL ASCEND ON
THE WINGS OF LOVE.
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RENE, MADAME EDITH--
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OH, HECK,
MORE TROUBLE.
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GATHER ROUND,
ALL OF YOU.
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ALL OF WHO?
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LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
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I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
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LONDON WISHES US TO INITIATE
OPERATION WATERLOO.
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WATERLOO?
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LONDON SAID IT WAS A WORD
EVERY FRENCHMAN KNOWS.
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YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM
FULL MARKS FOR TACT.
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THE BRITISH AIRMEN
WILL BE TAKEN AWAY.
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I THOUGHT THEY
HAD ALREADY GONE.
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NO, NO. THEY WILL BE
HANGING AROUND SOMEWHERE.
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- HELLO.
- WHAT HO!
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00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:30,837
THE MIDGET SUBMARINE
WILL BE HERE
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00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:32,338
TO COLLECT YOU
TONIGHT.
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HERE ARE
YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.
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AS WITH ALL
SECRET INSTRUCTIONS,
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YOU WILL EAT THEM
TO PREVENT THEM FROM FALLING INTO ENEMY HANDS.
95
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- RIGHT-O.
- WILL DO.
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YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO
READ THEM FIRST.
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Guard:
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
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- HEIL HITLER.
- HEIL HITLER.
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NOT IN HERE.
YOU DO THE OUTER OFFICE.
100
00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:03,903
NOT IN HERE.
YOU DO THE OUTER OFFICE.
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I WILL DO THIS ROOM.
102
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GENERAL, IT'S ALREADY
BEEN HOOVERED THIS MORNING.
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IT WAS NOT A HOOVER.
THAT WAS A MINE DETECTOR.
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THERE ARE
NO MINES HERE.
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IT ALSO DETECTS METAL,
HIDDEN METAL.
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NOTHING IS HIDDEN
IN THIS ROOM.
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YOUR ASSURANCES,
COLONEL,
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ARE WORTHLESS.
MAY I REMIND YOU
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THAT A GESTAPO MICROPHONE
WAS FOUND HIDDEN
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ON YOUR DESK IN
A BOWL OF DAFFODILS?
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THAT HAS BEEN
DEALT WITH.
112
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WE THREW IT AWAY
WHEN THE WATER
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GOT GREEN AND SMELLY.
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YOU MAY SPEAK FREELY,
THERE ARE NO MORE BUGS HERE.
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I AM RELIEVED
TO HEAR IT.
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GENERAL,
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THIS METAL
YOU ARE LOOKING FOR,
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IS IT GOLD?
119
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WHAT?
120
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FOR STASHING AWAY
UNTIL AFTER THE WAR?
121
00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:55,454
OF COURSE
IT IS NOT GOLD.
122
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I MEAN,
A PRECIOUS METAL.
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NO.
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- WELL, SEMI-PRECIOUS?
- NO.
125
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NOT PRECIOUS AT ALL,
BUT OF SENTIMENTAL VALUE?
126
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YES,
YOU COULD SAY THAT.
127
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IT BELONGS TO ME.
AND I INTEND TO FIND IT
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EVEN IF I HAVE TO TAKE
THIS PLACE APART.
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WHAT IS IN
THESE DRAWERS?
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NOTHING AT ALL,
GENERAL...
131
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PARTICULARLY NOT
IN THIS DRAWER.
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OPEN IT.
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I WOULD RATHER NOT.
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OUT OF MY WAY.
135
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AH! MY GOD!
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STOP, GENERAL, STOP!
IT IS WORTH 200 MARKS.
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YOU SEE?
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DEAD.
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General:
My God, I hate rats.
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I DO NOT LIKE
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
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WHY NOT?
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HE HATES RATS.
143
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RATS ARE MY
FAVORITE ANIMAL.
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THEY ARE SMALL,
SHIFTY AND DISGUSTING,
145
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JUST LIKE YOU.
146
00:07:03,022 --> 00:07:05,524
THANK YOU, HERR FLICK.
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00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:10,029
I THINK THE GENERAL
HAS LOST SOME GOLD.
148
00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:12,531
AND THE COLONEL
HAS STOLEN IT.
149
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NO. HE IS TOO STUPID.
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THERE IS ONLY ONE MAN
WHO WOULD HAVE THE GALL
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TO TRY AND OUTWIT
US GERMANS,
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AND THAT IS RENE.
153
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WE SHALL INTERROGATE HIM.
154
00:07:22,041 --> 00:07:24,543
BUT HE ALWAYS
TELLS US LIES.
155
00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:27,547
HE WILL NOT TELL LIES
TO A PERSON WITH SEX APPEAL
156
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BREATHING HOT,
LUSTFUL BREATH DOWN HIS NECK.
157
00:07:31,050 --> 00:07:34,053
HE IS VERY TALL,
HERR FLICK.
158
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I SHOULD HAVE TO STAND
ON A CHAIR.
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I AM REFERRING
TO HELGA.
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BRING HER TO ME,
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DRESSED IN HOT,
LUSTFUL CLOTHES.
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MY PLEASURE,
HERR FLICK.
163
00:07:52,071 --> 00:07:53,572
AND KEEP
YOUR EYES AVERTED.
164
00:07:53,573 --> 00:07:55,074
YES, HERR FLICK.
165
00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:05,084
MADAME, GIVE ME
YOUR DAUGHTER.
166
00:08:06,586 --> 00:08:07,587
ALL RIGHT.
167
00:08:07,587 --> 00:08:10,590
WHAT FRENCH BEDROOM FARCE
IS THIS?
168
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:13,593
HE HAS WON MY HEART,
AND THE CAFE.
169
00:08:13,593 --> 00:08:15,595
WAIT, EDITH.
170
00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:19,098
JUST NOW, WHEN I WAS
CLEANING OUT THE SINK,
171
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IT ALL CAME
FLOODING BACK.
172
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MY HOPELESS LOVE
AND YEARNING
173
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FOR THE ONLY WOMAN
THAT I HAVE EVER,
174
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OR COULD EVER, LOVE.
175
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LET THERE BE A WEDDING,
176
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BUT LET IT BE OURS.
177
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OH, RENE.
178
00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:37,617
IF I WERE A FITTER MAN
179
00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,619
I WOULD FIGHT YOU
FOR HER HONOR.
180
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:41,621
I SHOULD NOT BOTHER.
SHE NEVER DID.
181
00:08:43,122 --> 00:08:44,623
RIGHT.
182
00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:46,626
I WILL GO AND BOOK
THE REGISTRY OFFICE FOR TOMORROW.
183
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,628
A CIVIL WEDDING!
184
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:51,130
AS CIVIL AS WE CAN
IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
185
00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:54,133
- THE MAYOR CAN MARRY US.
- THE MAYOR?
186
00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:56,635
THE OLD MAN
WITH THE GRAY HAIR.
187
00:08:56,636 --> 00:09:00,139
BUT THE OLD GRAY MAYOR
IS DEAD.
188
00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,141
THEN THE DEPUTY MAYOR
CAN HAVE THE PLEASURE.
189
00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:05,644
I AM THE DEPUTY MAYOR.
IT WILL BE NO PLEASURE.
190
00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:08,147
THEN YOU WILL NOT WANT
TO BE LATE FOR THE EVENT.
191
00:09:08,147 --> 00:09:10,649
I SHOULD SET OFF
DOWN THE STAIRS NOW.
192
00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:19,158
HELGA IS HERE.
193
00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:20,159
AH, GOOD.
194
00:09:20,159 --> 00:09:21,160
ENTER.
195
00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:27,166
I AM READY,
HERR FLICK.
196
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:31,170
THIS TO ME DOES NOT LOOK
VERY TEASING AND TANTALIZING.
197
00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:33,672
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE
A SEX MAD FRENCHMAN
198
00:09:33,673 --> 00:09:35,675
FLIP HIS LID.
199
00:09:35,675 --> 00:09:38,177
I HOPE YOU ARE WEARING
SOMETHING WONDERFUL UNDERNEATH.
200
00:09:38,177 --> 00:09:40,679
NO, HERR FLICK,
I AM NOT.
201
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,182
YOU ARE DELIBERATELY
DISOBEYING MY ORDERS.
202
00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:44,183
NO.
203
00:09:44,183 --> 00:09:45,184
SHOW ME.
204
00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:47,686
- NO, I WILL NOT.
- WHY NOT?
205
00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:51,691
BECAUSE I AM TEASING
AND TANTALIZING YOU.
206
00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:53,192
I AM GOING.
207
00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:55,694
STOP!
208
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:57,196
VON SMALLHOUSEN,
209
00:09:57,196 --> 00:09:58,697
WHAT IS HELGA
WEARING UNDERNEATH?
210
00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:01,701
I PROMISED NOT TO SAY,
211
00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:03,703
BUT I TELL YOU WHAT
AN EFFECT IT HAS HAD ON ME.
212
00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:08,708
THIS IS VERY CURIOUS.
SHOW ME.
213
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:12,211
AAAAAGHGHGHGHGH!
214
00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:16,215
GET OUT.
215
00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:20,219
NOT YOU, HELGA.
216
00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:23,222
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME
TO GO AND SEE RENE?
217
00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:24,723
OH, NO RUSH.
218
00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:26,225
TOMORROW WILL DO.
219
00:10:27,226 --> 00:10:29,228
TODAY I WILL
REHEARSE YOU.
220
00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:30,729
SHOW ME YOUR TECHNIQUE.
221
00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:32,732
YES, HERR FLICK.
222
00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:36,235
( burlesque music plays )
223
00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:44,243
MY GOD!
224
00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:45,744
THREE SWASTIKAS.
225
00:10:45,745 --> 00:10:47,747
AAAAGHGHGHGHGH!
226
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,251
HERE WE ARE, COLONEL.
227
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:53,752
THE VAN CLOMP,
THE VAN GOGH,
228
00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:56,756
AND SEVERAL
PACKETS OF SPAGHETTI TO CONCEAL THEM IN.
229
00:10:56,756 --> 00:10:57,757
HOW CAN WE TELL
WHICH IS WHICH?
230
00:10:57,757 --> 00:11:01,761
THE PAINTINGS TAKE LONGER
THAN 12 MINUTES ON A LOW GAS.
231
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:06,766
I LOVE A MAN
WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.
232
00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:09,268
IT WAS NOT THAT FUNNY.
233
00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:10,769
THEY ARE WELL MARKED,
COLONEL.
234
00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:12,772
- RENE.
- YES?
235
00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:14,273
YOU MUST COME
OUTSIDE WITH ME.
236
00:11:14,273 --> 00:11:16,775
I HAVE SOMETHING
VERY EXCITING TO SHOW YOU.
237
00:11:18,277 --> 00:11:20,779
OH, YES.
238
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:23,783
IT IS MY BRAND NEW
BIG TANK.
239
00:11:23,783 --> 00:11:26,786
WHAT A RELIEF.
240
00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:30,289
HEY! WHERE'S ALL
THE BEAUTIFUL LADIES?
241
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:32,791
ALBERTO BERTORELLI
IS READY
242
00:11:32,792 --> 00:11:34,794
FOR THE FUN AND THE GAMES
UP THE STAIRS.
243
00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:37,797
I AM SORRY, CAPTAIN,
WE ARE A LITTLE SHORT OF STAFF.
244
00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:40,299
I LIKE THAT
LITTLE SHORT OF STAFF.
245
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:43,302
- RENE.
- ( Rene sighs )
246
00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:46,805
HERE I AM.
HOW DO YOU LIKE ME?
247
00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:48,808
IN SMALL DOSES.
248
00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:51,310
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LADY.
249
00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:53,312
I FORGOT.
250
00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:55,314
IT IS BAD LUCK
FOR YOU TO SEE ME BEFORE THE WEDDING.
251
00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:57,816
IT IS NOT EXACTLY
GOOD LUCK FOR ME
252
00:11:57,817 --> 00:11:59,819
TO SEE YOU AFTERWARDS.
253
00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:01,821
WHAT WEDDING IS THIS?
254
00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:03,322
YOU MEAN HE HAS
NOT TOLD YOU?
255
00:12:03,322 --> 00:12:05,324
TOLD US WHAT?
256
00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:06,825
THE WONDERFUL NEWS
THAT IS MAKING HIM
257
00:12:06,826 --> 00:12:09,328
THE HAPPIEST MAN
IN ALL FRANCE.
258
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:11,330
OH YES, THAT.
259
00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:12,831
WE ARE GETTING
MARRIED TOMORROW.
260
00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:15,334
RENE,
261
00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:17,836
CONGRATULATIONS.
262
00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:20,339
THAT IS INDEED
WONDERFUL NEWS.
263
00:12:20,339 --> 00:12:22,341
ISN'T IT, GRUBER?
264
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:28,347
GRUBER?
265
00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:32,852
I SUPPOSE FELICITATIONS
ARE IN ORDER.
266
00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:34,854
I SUPPOSE SO.
267
00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:37,356
I HOPE SHE WILL
MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY.
268
00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:40,860
AS HAPPY AS
ANY WOMAN EVER CAN.
269
00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:47,366
I MUST JUST GO AND...
270
00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:49,368
TICKLE MY CARBURETOR.
271
00:12:50,870 --> 00:12:52,371
BEAUTIFUL LADY,
272
00:12:52,371 --> 00:12:54,373
I KISS YOUR HAND.
273
00:12:55,374 --> 00:12:57,376
I KISS YOUR ARM.
274
00:12:58,377 --> 00:12:59,878
I KISS YOUR KISSER.
275
00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:01,380
OH!
276
00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:03,382
NO, CAPTAIN,
THAT IS SPOKEN FOR.
277
00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:06,385
I, ALBERTO BERTORELLI,
WILL MAKE THE WEDDING BREAKFAST.
278
00:13:06,385 --> 00:13:08,387
YOU LIKE ITALIAN COOKING?
279
00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:09,888
OH, VERY MUCH.
280
00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:11,390
NOW, YOU TELL ME,
281
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:13,392
HAVE YOU GOT
THE BIG-A TOMATOES?
282
00:13:14,393 --> 00:13:16,395
I BEG-A YOUR PARDON?
283
00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:21,400
I WANT-A YOUR
BIG-A TOMATOES
284
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:22,901
FOR THE SAUCE.
285
00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:24,904
OH, I SEE.
286
00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:27,907
I MAKE THE BIG BOWL
OF SPAGHETTI NAPOLETANA.
287
00:13:27,907 --> 00:13:29,408
COLONEL,
THE PAINTINGS!
288
00:13:29,408 --> 00:13:30,909
WHAT?
289
00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:31,911
NO, WAIT!
290
00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:33,913
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
291
00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:35,414
THAT'S NOT SPAGHETTI.
292
00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:37,916
IT FEEL LIKE SPAGHETTI.
293
00:13:37,917 --> 00:13:39,418
IT'S DYNAMITE.
294
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,422
( winces )
295
00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:45,924
MAMMA MIA!
296
00:13:45,925 --> 00:13:47,927
OH, COLONEL,
297
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:50,429
YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE.
298
00:13:56,435 --> 00:13:59,438
WHAT-A MISTAKE-A
TO MAKE-A.
299
00:14:06,979 --> 00:14:08,981
SEE YOU LATER, EDITH.
DO NOT WAIT UP.
300
00:14:08,981 --> 00:14:11,483
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- OUT.
301
00:14:11,483 --> 00:14:13,985
OUT? TONIGHT?
THE EVE OF OUR WEDDING?
302
00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:16,488
I AM SORRY, EDITH,
BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER
303
00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:17,989
IT IS MY STAG NIGHT
WITH THE BOYS.
304
00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:19,491
YOU HAVE HAD
YOUR STAG NIGHT.
305
00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:21,493
- WHEN?
- 25 YEARS AGO.
306
00:14:21,493 --> 00:14:23,495
OH, EDITH.
307
00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:26,998
BESIDES, I HAVE
PREPARED FOR YOU A LITTLE SURPRISE.
308
00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:30,502
IT CAN HARDLY BE A SURPRISE
AFTER 25 YEARS.
309
00:14:30,502 --> 00:14:32,504
I SHALL BE DOING IT
YOUR FAVORITE WAY.
310
00:14:32,504 --> 00:14:35,006
DOING WHAT?
311
00:14:35,007 --> 00:14:36,508
FROG IN THE HOLE.
312
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:40,012
AND HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
313
00:14:40,012 --> 00:14:41,513
ONE OF THOSE
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS?
314
00:14:41,513 --> 00:14:44,015
EDITH, HOW CAN I GET IT
INTO YOUR THICK HEAD
315
00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:46,018
THOSE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS
ARE NOT FOR NIBBLING?
316
00:14:46,018 --> 00:14:47,519
THEY ARE FOR
BLOWING UP DOCKYARDS.
317
00:14:47,519 --> 00:14:49,521
OH, SILLY ME.
318
00:14:49,521 --> 00:14:51,022
IT IS THE THOUGHT
OF THE WEDDING.
319
00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:53,025
I AM ALL OVER
THE PLACE.
320
00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:56,028
YOU COOK ONE OF THOSE PUDDINGS
AND YOU WILL BE.
321
00:14:57,029 --> 00:14:59,031
PSST, RENE.
DO NOT BE LONG.
322
00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:07,038
BE RIGHT WITH YOU,
PIERRE.
323
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:08,540
WHO IS PIERRE?
324
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:10,542
JUST ONE OF THE BOYS.
325
00:15:10,542 --> 00:15:12,043
HE'S GOING ON
OUR STAG NIGHT.
326
00:15:12,044 --> 00:15:14,046
ARE YOU COMING, RENE?
327
00:15:17,549 --> 00:15:20,552
RENE, WE ARE WASTING TIME.
328
00:15:20,552 --> 00:15:23,054
ALL RIGHT, JACQUES.
BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
329
00:15:23,055 --> 00:15:25,557
WHAT IT IS
TO BE SO POPULAR.
330
00:15:30,562 --> 00:15:32,063
MY GOD!
331
00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:38,570
SHH.
332
00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:42,574
IT IS I, LECLERC.
333
00:15:46,078 --> 00:15:48,080
I NEVER
WOULD HAVE GUESSED.
334
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,082
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE
A STAG NIGHT,
335
00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:51,583
NOT A SHRIMPING
EXPEDITION.
336
00:15:51,583 --> 00:15:55,086
THIS IS OPERATION
WATERLOO.
337
00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:58,590
WE ARE DISGUISED
AS EEL FISHERMAN.
338
00:15:58,590 --> 00:16:02,594
WE? YOU MEAN,
THERE IS MORE THAN ONE OF YOU IN THAT SUIT?
339
00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:04,095
PSST!
340
00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:06,098
FOLLOW ME.
341
00:16:09,101 --> 00:16:11,103
WHAT HO.
CHIN CHIN.
342
00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:12,604
PIP PIP.
TOODLE-OO.
343
00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:18,610
I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
344
00:16:18,610 --> 00:16:21,613
All:
HURRY UP. COME ON. YOUR STAG NIGHT.
345
00:16:22,614 --> 00:16:24,115
DO NOT FORGET, RENE,
346
00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:25,617
I WILL BE
WAITING UP FOR YOU.
347
00:16:26,618 --> 00:16:28,620
GOD, GIVE ME STRENGTH.
348
00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:34,125
( singing softly )
349
00:16:35,627 --> 00:16:38,129
♪ THE PRETTY SKY-- ♪
350
00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:39,631
OH.
351
00:16:39,631 --> 00:16:41,633
RENE, RENE!
352
00:16:52,644 --> 00:16:55,647
OH, RENE. WE HAVE
A WONDERFUL DAY FOR IT.
353
00:16:55,647 --> 00:16:57,649
THE SUN IS SHINING.
354
00:16:57,649 --> 00:16:58,650
OH, EDITH,
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
355
00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:00,151
CURB YOUR HIGH SPIRITS.
356
00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:04,656
LAST NIGHT,
357
00:17:04,656 --> 00:17:07,158
JUST FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT,
358
00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:09,161
I THOUGHT WE
WERE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE REHEARSAL
359
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:10,162
OF OUR WEDDED BLISS.
360
00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:13,165
I WAS TOO KNACKERED
FROM THE STAG NIGHT.
361
00:17:14,666 --> 00:17:17,168
I MUST GO UP TO THE ROOM
OF MY MOTHER.
362
00:17:17,169 --> 00:17:19,671
THIS IS A BIG DAY FOR HER.
363
00:17:19,671 --> 00:17:21,673
I MUST SPEND SOME TIME
HELPING HER TO LOOK
364
00:17:21,673 --> 00:17:22,674
YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL.
365
00:17:22,674 --> 00:17:25,677
SHALL WE PUT EVERYTHING OFF
FOR A MONTH OR TWO?
366
00:17:25,677 --> 00:17:27,679
RENE!
367
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:30,682
OOH, OOH.
368
00:17:32,684 --> 00:17:35,186
- HELGA, HURRY.
- YES, HERR FLICK.
369
00:17:35,187 --> 00:17:36,688
THERE HE IS.
370
00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:38,690
MAKE HIM TELL YOU
WHERE THE GOLD IS HIDDEN.
371
00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:41,192
DRIVE HIM MAD
WITH LUST.
372
00:17:41,193 --> 00:17:42,694
YES, HERR FLICK.
373
00:17:51,203 --> 00:17:52,704
HUH? OH!
374
00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:54,205
RENE,
375
00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:56,708
I WONDER IF YOU COULD
DO ME A FAVOR?
376
00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:58,710
THERE IS SOMETHING
I WANT.
377
00:18:05,717 --> 00:18:07,719
I HAVE ALREADY GIVEN.
378
00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:19,231
GOOD MOANING.
379
00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:22,234
OH, GOD!
IT GETS WORSE.
380
00:18:24,236 --> 00:18:26,238
BOD NOSE,
I AM AFROOD.
381
00:18:31,743 --> 00:18:33,745
BOD?
382
00:18:33,745 --> 00:18:36,247
VERY BOD.
383
00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:39,251
LAST NIT,
IPERATION WATERLOO
384
00:18:39,251 --> 00:18:41,253
WAS A COMPLOTE
AND UTTER KICK UP.
385
00:18:43,755 --> 00:18:44,756
OH.
386
00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:48,259
THE TEED WENT OUT
AND THE SUBMAROON
387
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:50,262
IS BITCHED ON A SANDBONK.
388
00:18:52,764 --> 00:18:54,766
A MONUMENTAL KICK UP.
389
00:18:54,766 --> 00:18:56,768
WE DID OUR BUST.
390
00:18:58,770 --> 00:19:03,274
SOON WE CAN EXPICT
ANOTHER PARASHAT DRIP.
391
00:19:03,275 --> 00:19:05,777
LONDON IS SENDING YOU
A COLLOPSABLE DONGHY.
392
00:19:10,782 --> 00:19:12,784
I ALREADY HAVE
ONE OF THOSE.
393
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:25,097
AND SO GOOD CITIZENS
OF NOUVION,
394
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:28,100
THE TWO PARTIES
STANDING BEFORE ME NOW
395
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,602
HAVE REQUESTED
IN ACCORDANCE
396
00:19:30,602 --> 00:19:32,604
WITH ARTICLE 39
OF THE LEGAL CODE...
397
00:19:32,604 --> 00:19:34,105
FARTY.
398
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,108
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
399
00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:40,612
ARTICLE FARTY.
400
00:19:42,614 --> 00:19:44,616
IT IS BAD ENOUGH HAVING
TO MARRY THE WOMAN I LOVE
401
00:19:44,616 --> 00:19:45,617
TO THE MAN I DETEST,
402
00:19:45,617 --> 00:19:48,119
WITHOUT BEING TAUGHT
MY OWN BUSINESS
403
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,122
BY A MAN WHO MANGLES
THE LANGUAGE OF FRANCE.
404
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,124
I DO NOT MINGLE IT.
405
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:53,625
SILENCE!
406
00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:54,626
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
407
00:19:54,626 --> 00:19:56,127
BE CAREFUL
OF YOUR DICKY TICKER.
408
00:19:56,128 --> 00:20:00,132
WOULD THAT I COULD
LAY MY DICKY TICKER AT YOUR FEET.
409
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:04,636
YOU OLD FOOL,
GET ON WITH IT.
410
00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:07,138
PLEASE,
LET THERE BE DECORUM.
411
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:10,142
DO YOU--
412
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:11,643
DO YOU RENE FRANCOIS--
413
00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:13,144
YES, YES, YES.
414
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:15,147
DO YOU, EDITH MELBA--
415
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,148
YES, YES!
416
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:17,649
THEN I NOW
PRONOUNCE YOU--
417
00:20:17,649 --> 00:20:19,651
AGH!
418
00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:22,153
YOU ARE NOT PRONOUNCING IT
VERY WELL.
419
00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:23,655
AGAIN, PLEASE!
420
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:28,160
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
MAN AND--
421
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,662
AGH! DICKY TICKER.
422
00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:32,664
Colonel:
THE MAN IS ILL, TAKE HIM TO HOSPITAL.
423
00:20:32,664 --> 00:20:35,166
Yvette:
LIE HIM DOWN. GIVE HIM AIR.
424
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:37,169
IS THERE A DICTOR
IN THE HOOSE?
425
00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:40,172
SPEAK TO ME!
SAY SOMETHING.
426
00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:42,174
SAY "MAN AND WIFE"
FOR A START.
427
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,675
MONSIEUR LECLERC,
GO GET HIM SOME WATER.
428
00:20:43,675 --> 00:20:45,176
WATER, RIGHT.
429
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:46,678
NO, MAKE IT BRANDY.
430
00:20:46,678 --> 00:20:49,681
WHICH DO YOU WANT?
WATER OR BRANDY?
431
00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:51,182
BRANDY.
432
00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:53,185
I DO NOT BELIEVE
HE IS ILL AT ALL.
433
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:54,686
OF COURSE HE IS ILL
434
00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:56,187
CARRY HIM BACK
TO THE CAFE.
435
00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:58,190
PUT HIM IN MY BED.
436
00:20:58,190 --> 00:21:00,192
EDITH, IT IS OUR BED!
437
00:21:00,192 --> 00:21:02,694
LET US PRETEND
IT IS HER BED.
438
00:21:05,697 --> 00:21:08,199
♪ IT'S NOW OR NEVER ♪
439
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,702
♪ COME HOLD ME TIGHT ♪
440
00:21:10,702 --> 00:21:14,706
♪ KISS ME MY DARLING ♪
441
00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:17,709
♪ BE MINE TONIGHT ♪
442
00:21:17,709 --> 00:21:19,711
♪ TOMORROW WILL BE TO LATE-- ♪
443
00:21:20,712 --> 00:21:22,213
HERE, PUT HIM IN HERE!
444
00:21:22,214 --> 00:21:25,217
WHAT'S GOING ON, EH?
445
00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:26,218
YOU ARE TOO EARLY.
446
00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:27,719
I AM NOT READY.
447
00:21:27,719 --> 00:21:29,220
YOU ARE TOO FAST-A
FOR THE PASTA.
448
00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:31,723
I WANT THE BEDROOM.
449
00:21:31,723 --> 00:21:34,225
I WANT THE BED
OF MY EDITH.
450
00:21:34,226 --> 00:21:36,728
YOU WILL GET THE BACK
OF MY HAND IN A MINUTE.
451
00:21:36,728 --> 00:21:39,731
RENE, I CONGRATULATE YOU
ON YOUR REPRIEVE.
452
00:21:39,731 --> 00:21:41,232
I THINK WE SHOULD
CALL FOR CHAMPAGNE.
453
00:21:41,233 --> 00:21:43,235
WE SHOULD
CALL THE DOCTOR.
454
00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:44,736
I DON'T LIKE
THE LOOK OF HIM.
455
00:21:44,736 --> 00:21:46,738
I HAVE NEVER LIKED
THE LOOK OF HIM.
456
00:21:46,738 --> 00:21:49,240
BUT THERE IS NOT A LOT
THE DOCTOR CAN DO ABOUT THAT.
457
00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:51,243
HIS HEART IS IN
A SHOCKING STATE.
458
00:21:51,243 --> 00:21:53,745
I NOTICE THERE IS NOTHING
WRONG WITH HIS THROAT.
459
00:21:53,745 --> 00:21:55,246
LECLERC, GO BACK
TO THE REGISTRY OFFICE,
460
00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:57,249
GET THE DEPUTY MAYOR'S
LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
461
00:21:57,249 --> 00:21:58,750
WE WILL
FINISH THE WEDDING HERE.
462
00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:00,752
OH, HOW WONDERFUL.
463
00:22:00,752 --> 00:22:02,754
TO BE MARRIED
IN MY OWN HOME.
464
00:22:02,754 --> 00:22:03,755
NO, NO, NO.
465
00:22:03,755 --> 00:22:07,258
A CAFE IS NOT
A PROPER PLACE FOR SUCH A CEREMONY.
466
00:22:07,259 --> 00:22:09,761
YOU HAVE ONLY TO SAY
THREE WORDS: MAN AND WIFE.
467
00:22:09,761 --> 00:22:10,762
THAT IS HARDLY
A CEREMONY.
468
00:22:12,264 --> 00:22:13,765
WELL, IF YOU INSIST.
469
00:22:13,765 --> 00:22:16,768
I SUPPOSE I COULD DO IT
IN MY OFFICIAL CAPACITY.
470
00:22:16,768 --> 00:22:19,771
WHICH APPEARS TO BE
ABOUT HALF A BOTTLE OF BRANDY.
471
00:22:22,274 --> 00:22:24,276
TAKE YOUR PLACES AGAIN.
472
00:22:24,276 --> 00:22:25,777
HEY, EVERYBODY,
473
00:22:25,777 --> 00:22:27,278
IT'S TIME TO EAT.
474
00:22:27,279 --> 00:22:31,783
WE BEGIN WITH ALBERTO
BERTORELLI'S BIG SURPRISE.
475
00:22:33,285 --> 00:22:35,287
TORTA...
476
00:22:35,287 --> 00:22:36,788
DI PRIMA...
477
00:22:36,788 --> 00:22:38,289
COLLASIONE...
478
00:22:38,290 --> 00:22:40,792
MATRIMONIALE!
479
00:22:40,792 --> 00:22:43,795
WHAT IS HE SAYING?
THEY ARE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
480
00:22:43,795 --> 00:22:45,797
YOU CATCH ME OUT.
481
00:22:45,797 --> 00:22:48,299
I CANNOT TELL A LIE.
482
00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:50,802
I FOUND THEM
IN THE CELLAR.
483
00:22:50,802 --> 00:22:52,303
HOW CLEVER OF YOU.
484
00:22:52,304 --> 00:22:54,306
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
485
00:22:54,306 --> 00:22:56,808
GET DOWN EVERYBODY!
DOWN!
486
00:22:56,808 --> 00:22:58,810
OH NO. NOT MY
BEAUTIFUL NEW TANK.
487
00:23:00,312 --> 00:23:01,313
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
488
00:23:01,313 --> 00:23:03,315
I TRY TO MAKE
THE BIG IMPRESSION!
489
00:23:03,315 --> 00:23:04,816
GET DOWN!
490
00:23:05,817 --> 00:23:07,819
( all scream )
491
00:23:14,326 --> 00:23:17,329
( theme music playing )