( theme music playing )
YOU ARE PROBABLY SAYING TO YOURSELVES,
"HELLO, WHAT IS THIS MAN UP TO?"
I WILL TELL YOU.
HE IS UP TO THE CUCKOO CLOCK.
HE IS TRYING TO WEDGE THE LITTLE DOOR.
AND WHY IS HE DOING THAT?
I WILL SHOW YOU.
( clock cuckoos )
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU REPLACE THE REAL WEIGHT
WITH ONE MADE FROM FOUR BARS OF PURE GOLD
BELONGING TO GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN,
WHICH I HAD STOLEN EARLIER,
MELTED DOWN AND PAINTED BROWN.
I AM, OF COURSE, TRYING TO PUT OUT OF MY MIND
THE 257 EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS
WHICH ARE STILL IN MY CELLAR,
EACH ONE MARKED, "BEST BEFORE D-DAY,"
WHATEVER THAT MAY MEAN.
OTHERWISE, YOU WILL BE PLEASED TO HEAR THAT THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH A LOT UP TOP BY VAN CLOMP,
TOGETHER WITH THE PAINTING OF THE CRACKED VASE
WITH THE BIG DAISIES BY VAN GOGH,
WHICH WE RECENTLY RETRIEVED FROM UNDER THE VERY NOSES OF THE GERMAN GENERALS,
ARE SAFELY HIDDEN IN THESE PACKETS OF SPAGHETTI.
SO FOR ONCE, I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO A LITTLE PEACE.
OH, RENE.
AND HERE SHE IS.
MY BODY IS CRYING OUT FOR YOU.
TAKE ME IN YOUR ARMS.
Both: OOH!
OH, RENE!
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
DO NOT FIGHT IT, YVETTE.
IT IS BIGGER THAN BOTH OF US.
RENE. RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND HER?
YOU STUPID WOMAN.
JUST BECAUSE THERE IS A WAR ON,
BALLROOM DANCING CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO DIE OUT.
NOW ONCE AGAIN, SLOW, SLOW, QUICK, QUICK, SLOW.
( both humming ) ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA. ♪
YES, VERY GOOD, YVETTE. NOW RUN ALONG.
SHALL WE TANGO, EDITH?
YES, YES, I KNOW IT IS BEFORE LUNCHTIME,
BUT AFTER ALL, WE ARE MAN AND WIFE.
RENE, I THINK I SHOULD TELL YOU
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS JUST PROPOSED TO ME.
BUT EDITH, YOU ARE MY WIFE.
IN THE EYES OF THE WORLD
I AM THE WIFE OF YOUR DEAD TWIN BROTHER.
BUT I AM MY DEAD TWIN BROTHER.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MARRY MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
WHAT?
HE LOVES ME. YOU DO NOT.
BUT IF YOU MARRY HIM
HE WILL OWN THIS CAFE AND EVERYTHING IN IT.
SO?
EDITH! EDITH, COME BACK HERE.
WHAT FOOLISH NOTIONS HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING
INTO THE EMPTY HEAD OF MY WIFE?
SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE. YOU ARE DEAD.
WHO SAYS SO?
I DO. I AM THE UNDERTAKER.
I BURIED YOU.
WELL, I AM A VERY DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER.
I MUST NOW ASK PERMISSION FOR YOUR HAND
FROM YOUR CHARMING MOTHER.
- WHERE IS SHE? - SHE IS RESTING.
ON THE THIRD FLOOR.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
IT IS A LONG STEEP CLIMB.
BE CAREFUL OF YOUR DICKY TICKER.
I SHALL ASCEND ON THE WINGS OF LOVE.
RENE, MADAME EDITH--
OH, HECK, MORE TROUBLE.
GATHER ROUND, ALL OF YOU.
ALL OF WHO?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.
LONDON WISHES US TO INITIATE OPERATION WATERLOO.
WATERLOO?
LONDON SAID IT WAS A WORD EVERY FRENCHMAN KNOWS.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM FULL MARKS FOR TACT.
THE BRITISH AIRMEN WILL BE TAKEN AWAY.
I THOUGHT THEY HAD ALREADY GONE.
NO, NO. THEY WILL BE HANGING AROUND SOMEWHERE.
- HELLO. - WHAT HO!
THE MIDGET SUBMARINE WILL BE HERE
TO COLLECT YOU TONIGHT.
HERE ARE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.
AS WITH ALL SECRET INSTRUCTIONS,
YOU WILL EAT THEM TO PREVENT THEM FROM FALLING INTO ENEMY HANDS.
- RIGHT-O. - WILL DO.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO READ THEM FIRST.
Guard: GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
- HEIL HITLER. - HEIL HITLER.
NOT IN HERE. YOU DO THE OUTER OFFICE.
I WILL DO THIS ROOM.
GENERAL, IT'S ALREADY BEEN HOOVERED THIS MORNING.
IT WAS NOT A HOOVER. THAT WAS A MINE DETECTOR.
THERE ARE NO MINES HERE.
IT ALSO DETECTS METAL, HIDDEN METAL.
NOTHING IS HIDDEN IN THIS ROOM.
YOUR ASSURANCES, COLONEL,
ARE WORTHLESS. MAY I REMIND YOU
THAT A GESTAPO MICROPHONE WAS FOUND HIDDEN
ON YOUR DESK IN A BOWL OF DAFFODILS?
THAT HAS BEEN DEALT WITH.
WE THREW IT AWAY WHEN THE WATER
GOT GREEN AND SMELLY.
YOU MAY SPEAK FREELY, THERE ARE NO MORE BUGS HERE.
I AM RELIEVED TO HEAR IT.
GENERAL,
THIS METAL YOU ARE LOOKING FOR,
IS IT GOLD?
WHAT?
FOR STASHING AWAY UNTIL AFTER THE WAR?
OF COURSE IT IS NOT GOLD.
I MEAN, A PRECIOUS METAL.
NO.
- WELL, SEMI-PRECIOUS? - NO.
NOT PRECIOUS AT ALL, BUT OF SENTIMENTAL VALUE?
YES, YOU COULD SAY THAT.
IT BELONGS TO ME. AND I INTEND TO FIND IT
EVEN IF I HAVE TO TAKE THIS PLACE APART.
WHAT IS IN THESE DRAWERS?
NOTHING AT ALL, GENERAL...
PARTICULARLY NOT IN THIS DRAWER.
OPEN IT.
I WOULD RATHER NOT.
OUT OF MY WAY.
AH! MY GOD!
STOP, GENERAL, STOP! IT IS WORTH 200 MARKS.
YOU SEE?
DEAD.
General: My God, I hate rats.
I DO NOT LIKE GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
WHY NOT?
HE HATES RATS.
RATS ARE MY FAVORITE ANIMAL.
THEY ARE SMALL, SHIFTY AND DISGUSTING,
JUST LIKE YOU.
THANK YOU, HERR FLICK.
I THINK THE GENERAL HAS LOST SOME GOLD.
AND THE COLONEL HAS STOLEN IT.
NO. HE IS TOO STUPID.
THERE IS ONLY ONE MAN WHO WOULD HAVE THE GALL
TO TRY AND OUTWIT US GERMANS,
AND THAT IS RENE.
WE SHALL INTERROGATE HIM.
BUT HE ALWAYS TELLS US LIES.
HE WILL NOT TELL LIES TO A PERSON WITH SEX APPEAL
BREATHING HOT, LUSTFUL BREATH DOWN HIS NECK.
HE IS VERY TALL, HERR FLICK.
I SHOULD HAVE TO STAND ON A CHAIR.
I AM REFERRING TO HELGA.
BRING HER TO ME,
DRESSED IN HOT, LUSTFUL CLOTHES.
MY PLEASURE, HERR FLICK.
AND KEEP YOUR EYES AVERTED.
YES, HERR FLICK.
MADAME, GIVE ME YOUR DAUGHTER.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT FRENCH BEDROOM FARCE IS THIS?
HE HAS WON MY HEART, AND THE CAFE.
WAIT, EDITH.
JUST NOW, WHEN I WAS CLEANING OUT THE SINK,
IT ALL CAME FLOODING BACK.
MY HOPELESS LOVE AND YEARNING
FOR THE ONLY WOMAN THAT I HAVE EVER,
OR COULD EVER, LOVE.
LET THERE BE A WEDDING,
BUT LET IT BE OURS.
OH, RENE.
IF I WERE A FITTER MAN
I WOULD FIGHT YOU FOR HER HONOR.
I SHOULD NOT BOTHER. SHE NEVER DID.
RIGHT.
I WILL GO AND BOOK THE REGISTRY OFFICE FOR TOMORROW.
A CIVIL WEDDING!
AS CIVIL AS WE CAN IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
- THE MAYOR CAN MARRY US. - THE MAYOR?
THE OLD MAN WITH THE GRAY HAIR.
BUT THE OLD GRAY MAYOR IS DEAD.
THEN THE DEPUTY MAYOR CAN HAVE THE PLEASURE.
I AM THE DEPUTY MAYOR. IT WILL BE NO PLEASURE.
THEN YOU WILL NOT WANT TO BE LATE FOR THE EVENT.
I SHOULD SET OFF DOWN THE STAIRS NOW.
HELGA IS HERE.
AH, GOOD.
ENTER.
I AM READY, HERR FLICK.
THIS TO ME DOES NOT LOOK VERY TEASING AND TANTALIZING.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE A SEX MAD FRENCHMAN
FLIP HIS LID.
I HOPE YOU ARE WEARING SOMETHING WONDERFUL UNDERNEATH.
NO, HERR FLICK, I AM NOT.
YOU ARE DELIBERATELY DISOBEYING MY ORDERS.
NO.
SHOW ME.
- NO, I WILL NOT. - WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I AM TEASING AND TANTALIZING YOU.
I AM GOING.
STOP!
VON SMALLHOUSEN,
WHAT IS HELGA WEARING UNDERNEATH?
I PROMISED NOT TO SAY,
BUT I TELL YOU WHAT AN EFFECT IT HAS HAD ON ME.
THIS IS VERY CURIOUS. SHOW ME.
AAAAAGHGHGHGHGH!
GET OUT.
NOT YOU, HELGA.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO GO AND SEE RENE?
OH, NO RUSH.
TOMORROW WILL DO.
TODAY I WILL REHEARSE YOU.
SHOW ME YOUR TECHNIQUE.
YES, HERR FLICK.
( burlesque music plays )
MY GOD!
THREE SWASTIKAS.
AAAAGHGHGHGHGH!
HERE WE ARE, COLONEL.
THE VAN CLOMP, THE VAN GOGH,
AND SEVERAL PACKETS OF SPAGHETTI TO CONCEAL THEM IN.
HOW CAN WE TELL WHICH IS WHICH?
THE PAINTINGS TAKE LONGER THAN 12 MINUTES ON A LOW GAS.
I LOVE A MAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.
IT WAS NOT THAT FUNNY.
THEY ARE WELL MARKED, COLONEL.
- RENE. - YES?
YOU MUST COME OUTSIDE WITH ME.
I HAVE SOMETHING VERY EXCITING TO SHOW YOU.
OH, YES.
IT IS MY BRAND NEW BIG TANK.
WHAT A RELIEF.
HEY! WHERE'S ALL THE BEAUTIFUL LADIES?
ALBERTO BERTORELLI IS READY
FOR THE FUN AND THE GAMES UP THE STAIRS.
I AM SORRY, CAPTAIN, WE ARE A LITTLE SHORT OF STAFF.
I LIKE THAT LITTLE SHORT OF STAFF.
- RENE. - ( Rene sighs )
HERE I AM. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME?
IN SMALL DOSES.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LADY.
I FORGOT.
IT IS BAD LUCK FOR YOU TO SEE ME BEFORE THE WEDDING.
IT IS NOT EXACTLY GOOD LUCK FOR ME
TO SEE YOU AFTERWARDS.
WHAT WEDDING IS THIS?
YOU MEAN HE HAS NOT TOLD YOU?
TOLD US WHAT?
THE WONDERFUL NEWS THAT IS MAKING HIM
THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ALL FRANCE.
OH YES, THAT.
WE ARE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.
RENE,
CONGRATULATIONS.
THAT IS INDEED WONDERFUL NEWS.
ISN'T IT, GRUBER?
GRUBER?
I SUPPOSE FELICITATIONS ARE IN ORDER.
I SUPPOSE SO.
I HOPE SHE WILL MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY.
AS HAPPY AS ANY WOMAN EVER CAN.
I MUST JUST GO AND...
TICKLE MY CARBURETOR.
BEAUTIFUL LADY,
I KISS YOUR HAND.
I KISS YOUR ARM.
I KISS YOUR KISSER.
OH!
NO, CAPTAIN, THAT IS SPOKEN FOR.
I, ALBERTO BERTORELLI, WILL MAKE THE WEDDING BREAKFAST.
YOU LIKE ITALIAN COOKING?
OH, VERY MUCH.
NOW, YOU TELL ME,
HAVE YOU GOT THE BIG-A TOMATOES?
I BEG-A YOUR PARDON?
I WANT-A YOUR BIG-A TOMATOES
FOR THE SAUCE.
OH, I SEE.
I MAKE THE BIG BOWL OF SPAGHETTI NAPOLETANA.
COLONEL, THE PAINTINGS!
WHAT?
NO, WAIT!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
THAT'S NOT SPAGHETTI.
IT FEEL LIKE SPAGHETTI.
IT'S DYNAMITE.
( winces )
MAMMA MIA!
OH, COLONEL,
YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE.
WHAT-A MISTAKE-A TO MAKE-A.
SEE YOU LATER, EDITH. DO NOT WAIT UP.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - OUT.
OUT? TONIGHT? THE EVE OF OUR WEDDING?
I AM SORRY, EDITH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER
IT IS MY STAG NIGHT WITH THE BOYS.
YOU HAVE HAD YOUR STAG NIGHT.
- WHEN? - 25 YEARS AGO.
OH, EDITH.
BESIDES, I HAVE PREPARED FOR YOU A LITTLE SURPRISE.
IT CAN HARDLY BE A SURPRISE AFTER 25 YEARS.
I SHALL BE DOING IT YOUR FAVORITE WAY.
DOING WHAT?
FROG IN THE HOLE.
AND HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
ONE OF THOSE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS?
EDITH, HOW CAN I GET IT INTO YOUR THICK HEAD
THOSE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS ARE NOT FOR NIBBLING?
THEY ARE FOR BLOWING UP DOCKYARDS.
OH, SILLY ME.
IT IS THE THOUGHT OF THE WEDDING.
I AM ALL OVER THE PLACE.
YOU COOK ONE OF THOSE PUDDINGS AND YOU WILL BE.
PSST, RENE. DO NOT BE LONG.
BE RIGHT WITH YOU, PIERRE.
WHO IS PIERRE?
JUST ONE OF THE BOYS.
HE'S GOING ON OUR STAG NIGHT.
ARE YOU COMING, RENE?
RENE, WE ARE WASTING TIME.
ALL RIGHT, JACQUES. BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
WHAT IT IS TO BE SO POPULAR.
MY GOD!
SHH.
IT IS I, LECLERC.
I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A STAG NIGHT,
NOT A SHRIMPING EXPEDITION.
THIS IS OPERATION WATERLOO.
WE ARE DISGUISED AS EEL FISHERMAN.
WE? YOU MEAN, THERE IS MORE THAN ONE OF YOU IN THAT SUIT?
PSST!
FOLLOW ME.
WHAT HO. CHIN CHIN.
PIP PIP. TOODLE-OO.
I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
All: HURRY UP. COME ON. YOUR STAG NIGHT.
DO NOT FORGET, RENE,
I WILL BE WAITING UP FOR YOU.
GOD, GIVE ME STRENGTH.
( singing softly )
♪ THE PRETTY SKY-- ♪
OH.
RENE, RENE!
OH, RENE. WE HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY FOR IT.
THE SUN IS SHINING.
OH, EDITH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
CURB YOUR HIGH SPIRITS.
LAST NIGHT,
JUST FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT,
I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE REHEARSAL
OF OUR WEDDED BLISS.
I WAS TOO KNACKERED FROM THE STAG NIGHT.
I MUST GO UP TO THE ROOM OF MY MOTHER.
THIS IS A BIG DAY FOR HER.
I MUST SPEND SOME TIME HELPING HER TO LOOK
YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL.
SHALL WE PUT EVERYTHING OFF FOR A MONTH OR TWO?
RENE!
OOH, OOH.
- HELGA, HURRY. - YES, HERR FLICK.
THERE HE IS.
MAKE HIM TELL YOU WHERE THE GOLD IS HIDDEN.
DRIVE HIM MAD WITH LUST.
YES, HERR FLICK.
HUH? OH!
RENE,
I WONDER IF YOU COULD DO ME A FAVOR?
THERE IS SOMETHING I WANT.
I HAVE ALREADY GIVEN.
GOOD MOANING.
OH, GOD! IT GETS WORSE.
BOD NOSE, I AM AFROOD.
BOD?
VERY BOD.
LAST NIT, IPERATION WATERLOO
WAS A COMPLOTE AND UTTER KICK UP.
OH.
THE TEED WENT OUT AND THE SUBMAROON
IS BITCHED ON A SANDBONK.
A MONUMENTAL KICK UP.
WE DID OUR BUST.
SOON WE CAN EXPICT ANOTHER PARASHAT DRIP.
LONDON IS SENDING YOU A COLLOPSABLE DONGHY.
I ALREADY HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
AND SO GOOD CITIZENS OF NOUVION,
THE TWO PARTIES STANDING BEFORE ME NOW
HAVE REQUESTED IN ACCORDANCE
WITH ARTICLE 39 OF THE LEGAL CODE...
FARTY.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
ARTICLE FARTY.
IT IS BAD ENOUGH HAVING TO MARRY THE WOMAN I LOVE
TO THE MAN I DETEST,
WITHOUT BEING TAUGHT MY OWN BUSINESS
BY A MAN WHO MANGLES THE LANGUAGE OF FRANCE.
I DO NOT MINGLE IT.
SILENCE!
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
BE CAREFUL OF YOUR DICKY TICKER.
WOULD THAT I COULD LAY MY DICKY TICKER AT YOUR FEET.
YOU OLD FOOL, GET ON WITH IT.
PLEASE, LET THERE BE DECORUM.
DO YOU--
DO YOU RENE FRANCOIS--
YES, YES, YES.
DO YOU, EDITH MELBA--
YES, YES!
THEN I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU--
AGH!
YOU ARE NOT PRONOUNCING IT VERY WELL.
AGAIN, PLEASE!
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND--
AGH! DICKY TICKER.
Colonel: THE MAN IS ILL, TAKE HIM TO HOSPITAL.
Yvette: LIE HIM DOWN. GIVE HIM AIR.
IS THERE A DICTOR IN THE HOOSE?
SPEAK TO ME! SAY SOMETHING.
SAY "MAN AND WIFE" FOR A START.
MONSIEUR LECLERC, GO GET HIM SOME WATER.
WATER, RIGHT.
NO, MAKE IT BRANDY.
WHICH DO YOU WANT? WATER OR BRANDY?
BRANDY.
I DO NOT BELIEVE HE IS ILL AT ALL.
OF COURSE HE IS ILL
CARRY HIM BACK TO THE CAFE.
PUT HIM IN MY BED.
EDITH, IT IS OUR BED!
LET US PRETEND IT IS HER BED.
♪ IT'S NOW OR NEVER ♪
♪ COME HOLD ME TIGHT ♪
♪ KISS ME MY DARLING ♪
♪ BE MINE TONIGHT ♪
♪ TOMORROW WILL BE TO LATE-- ♪
HERE, PUT HIM IN HERE!
WHAT'S GOING ON, EH?
YOU ARE TOO EARLY.
I AM NOT READY.
YOU ARE TOO FAST-A FOR THE PASTA.
I WANT THE BEDROOM.
I WANT THE BED OF MY EDITH.
YOU WILL GET THE BACK OF MY HAND IN A MINUTE.
RENE, I CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR REPRIEVE.
I THINK WE SHOULD CALL FOR CHAMPAGNE.
WE SHOULD CALL THE DOCTOR.
I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF HIM.
I HAVE NEVER LIKED THE LOOK OF HIM.
BUT THERE IS NOT A LOT THE DOCTOR CAN DO ABOUT THAT.
HIS HEART IS IN A SHOCKING STATE.
I NOTICE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIS THROAT.
LECLERC, GO BACK TO THE REGISTRY OFFICE,
GET THE DEPUTY MAYOR'S LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
WE WILL FINISH THE WEDDING HERE.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL.
TO BE MARRIED IN MY OWN HOME.
NO, NO, NO.
A CAFE IS NOT A PROPER PLACE FOR SUCH A CEREMONY.
YOU HAVE ONLY TO SAY THREE WORDS: MAN AND WIFE.
THAT IS HARDLY A CEREMONY.
WELL, IF YOU INSIST.
I SUPPOSE I COULD DO IT IN MY OFFICIAL CAPACITY.
WHICH APPEARS TO BE ABOUT HALF A BOTTLE OF BRANDY.
TAKE YOUR PLACES AGAIN.
HEY, EVERYBODY,
IT'S TIME TO EAT.
WE BEGIN WITH ALBERTO BERTORELLI'S BIG SURPRISE.
TORTA...
DI PRIMA...
COLLASIONE...
MATRIMONIALE!
WHAT IS HE SAYING? THEY ARE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.
YOU CATCH ME OUT.
I CANNOT TELL A LIE.
I FOUND THEM IN THE CELLAR.
HOW CLEVER OF YOU.
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
GET DOWN EVERYBODY! DOWN!
OH NO. NOT MY BEAUTIFUL NEW TANK.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I TRY TO MAKE THE BIG IMPRESSION!
GET DOWN!
( all scream )
( theme music playing )