1 00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:06,072 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:41,608 YOU ARE PROBABLY SAYING TO YOURSELVES, 3 00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:44,110 "HELLO, WHAT IS THIS MAN UP TO?" 4 00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:45,111 I WILL TELL YOU. 5 00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:47,113 HE IS UP TO THE CUCKOO CLOCK. 6 00:00:47,113 --> 00:00:49,115 HE IS TRYING TO WEDGE THE LITTLE DOOR. 7 00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:50,616 AND WHY IS HE DOING THAT? 8 00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:52,118 I WILL SHOW YOU. 9 00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:54,620 ( clock cuckoos ) 10 00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:00,126 THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS 11 00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:02,628 WHEN YOU REPLACE THE REAL WEIGHT 12 00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:05,131 WITH ONE MADE FROM FOUR BARS OF PURE GOLD 13 00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:06,632 BELONGING TO GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN, 14 00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:09,135 WHICH I HAD STOLEN EARLIER, 15 00:01:09,135 --> 00:01:11,137 MELTED DOWN AND PAINTED BROWN. 16 00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:15,141 I AM, OF COURSE, TRYING TO PUT OUT OF MY MIND 17 00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:17,643 THE 257 EXPLODING CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS 18 00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:20,146 WHICH ARE STILL IN MY CELLAR, 19 00:01:20,146 --> 00:01:23,149 EACH ONE MARKED, "BEST BEFORE D-DAY," 20 00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:27,153 WHATEVER THAT MAY MEAN. 21 00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:29,155 OTHERWISE, YOU WILL BE PLEASED TO HEAR THAT THE PAINTING 22 00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:32,158 OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH A LOT UP TOP BY VAN CLOMP, 23 00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:33,659 TOGETHER WITH THE PAINTING OF THE CRACKED VASE 24 00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,662 WITH THE BIG DAISIES BY VAN GOGH, 25 00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:39,165 WHICH WE RECENTLY RETRIEVED FROM UNDER THE VERY NOSES OF THE GERMAN GENERALS, 26 00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:42,668 ARE SAFELY HIDDEN IN THESE PACKETS OF SPAGHETTI. 27 00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:46,172 SO FOR ONCE, I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO A LITTLE PEACE. 28 00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:51,177 OH, RENE. 29 00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:53,179 AND HERE SHE IS. 30 00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:57,684 MY BODY IS CRYING OUT FOR YOU. 31 00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:59,686 TAKE ME IN YOUR ARMS. 32 00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:02,689 Both: OOH! 33 00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:03,690 OH, RENE! 34 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,694 WHAT IS HAPPENING? 35 00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:09,696 DO NOT FIGHT IT, YVETTE. 36 00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:11,197 IT IS BIGGER THAN BOTH OF US. 37 00:02:11,197 --> 00:02:13,699 RENE. RENE! 38 00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:17,203 WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND HER? 39 00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:20,206 YOU STUPID WOMAN. 40 00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:23,209 JUST BECAUSE THERE IS A WAR ON, 41 00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:26,712 BALLROOM DANCING CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO DIE OUT. 42 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:29,215 NOW ONCE AGAIN, SLOW, SLOW, QUICK, QUICK, SLOW. 43 00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:31,717 ( both humming ) ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA. ♪ 44 00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:34,721 YES, VERY GOOD, YVETTE. NOW RUN ALONG. 45 00:02:34,721 --> 00:02:37,223 SHALL WE TANGO, EDITH? 46 00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:39,225 YES, YES, I KNOW IT IS BEFORE LUNCHTIME, 47 00:02:39,225 --> 00:02:41,727 BUT AFTER ALL, WE ARE MAN AND WIFE. 48 00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:43,229 RENE, I THINK I SHOULD TELL YOU 49 00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:45,731 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS JUST PROPOSED TO ME. 50 00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:48,234 BUT EDITH, YOU ARE MY WIFE. 51 00:02:48,234 --> 00:02:49,735 IN THE EYES OF THE WORLD 52 00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:51,738 I AM THE WIFE OF YOUR DEAD TWIN BROTHER. 53 00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:54,741 BUT I AM MY DEAD TWIN BROTHER. 54 00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:57,243 I HAVE DECIDED TO MARRY MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 55 00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:58,244 WHAT? 56 00:02:58,244 --> 00:02:59,745 HE LOVES ME. YOU DO NOT. 57 00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:01,748 BUT IF YOU MARRY HIM 58 00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:04,250 HE WILL OWN THIS CAFE AND EVERYTHING IN IT. 59 00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:05,751 SO? 60 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:09,255 EDITH! EDITH, COME BACK HERE. 61 00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:11,257 WHAT FOOLISH NOTIONS HAVE YOU BEEN PUTTING 62 00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:12,258 INTO THE EMPTY HEAD OF MY WIFE? 63 00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:15,261 SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE. YOU ARE DEAD. 64 00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:16,262 WHO SAYS SO? 65 00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:18,764 I DO. I AM THE UNDERTAKER. 66 00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:20,767 I BURIED YOU. 67 00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:23,770 WELL, I AM A VERY DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER. 68 00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:28,274 I MUST NOW ASK PERMISSION FOR YOUR HAND 69 00:03:28,274 --> 00:03:30,776 FROM YOUR CHARMING MOTHER. 70 00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:32,779 - WHERE IS SHE? - SHE IS RESTING. 71 00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,280 ON THE THIRD FLOOR. 72 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,282 I KNOW. I KNOW. 73 00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:38,284 IT IS A LONG STEEP CLIMB. 74 00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:42,288 BE CAREFUL OF YOUR DICKY TICKER. 75 00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:45,291 I SHALL ASCEND ON THE WINGS OF LOVE. 76 00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:50,796 RENE, MADAME EDITH-- 77 00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:52,799 OH, HECK, MORE TROUBLE. 78 00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:56,802 GATHER ROUND, ALL OF YOU. 79 00:03:59,305 --> 00:04:00,806 ALL OF WHO? 80 00:04:01,808 --> 00:04:03,810 LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY, 81 00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,812 I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE. 82 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:08,815 LONDON WISHES US TO INITIATE OPERATION WATERLOO. 83 00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:10,316 WATERLOO? 84 00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:13,319 LONDON SAID IT WAS A WORD EVERY FRENCHMAN KNOWS. 85 00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:16,822 YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM FULL MARKS FOR TACT. 86 00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,825 THE BRITISH AIRMEN WILL BE TAKEN AWAY. 87 00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:20,326 I THOUGHT THEY HAD ALREADY GONE. 88 00:04:20,326 --> 00:04:23,329 NO, NO. THEY WILL BE HANGING AROUND SOMEWHERE. 89 00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:27,333 - HELLO. - WHAT HO! 90 00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:30,837 THE MIDGET SUBMARINE WILL BE HERE 91 00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:32,338 TO COLLECT YOU TONIGHT. 92 00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:34,340 HERE ARE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS. 93 00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:35,841 AS WITH ALL SECRET INSTRUCTIONS, 94 00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:38,344 YOU WILL EAT THEM TO PREVENT THEM FROM FALLING INTO ENEMY HANDS. 95 00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:40,346 - RIGHT-O. - WILL DO. 96 00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:42,848 YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO READ THEM FIRST. 97 00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:46,885 Guard: GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN! 98 00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:56,896 - HEIL HITLER. - HEIL HITLER. 99 00:04:56,896 --> 00:04:59,899 NOT IN HERE. YOU DO THE OUTER OFFICE. 100 00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:03,903 NOT IN HERE. YOU DO THE OUTER OFFICE. 101 00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:07,907 I WILL DO THIS ROOM. 102 00:05:07,907 --> 00:05:10,409 GENERAL, IT'S ALREADY BEEN HOOVERED THIS MORNING. 103 00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:12,912 IT WAS NOT A HOOVER. THAT WAS A MINE DETECTOR. 104 00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:15,414 THERE ARE NO MINES HERE. 105 00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:18,918 IT ALSO DETECTS METAL, HIDDEN METAL. 106 00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:20,419 NOTHING IS HIDDEN IN THIS ROOM. 107 00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:23,423 YOUR ASSURANCES, COLONEL, 108 00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:25,925 ARE WORTHLESS. MAY I REMIND YOU 109 00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:27,927 THAT A GESTAPO MICROPHONE WAS FOUND HIDDEN 110 00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:29,428 ON YOUR DESK IN A BOWL OF DAFFODILS? 111 00:05:29,429 --> 00:05:31,431 THAT HAS BEEN DEALT WITH. 112 00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:32,432 WE THREW IT AWAY WHEN THE WATER 113 00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:35,435 GOT GREEN AND SMELLY. 114 00:05:35,435 --> 00:05:37,937 YOU MAY SPEAK FREELY, THERE ARE NO MORE BUGS HERE. 115 00:05:37,937 --> 00:05:40,439 I AM RELIEVED TO HEAR IT. 116 00:05:42,442 --> 00:05:43,443 GENERAL, 117 00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:47,447 THIS METAL YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, 118 00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:48,948 IS IT GOLD? 119 00:05:48,948 --> 00:05:50,449 WHAT? 120 00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:52,952 FOR STASHING AWAY UNTIL AFTER THE WAR? 121 00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:55,454 OF COURSE IT IS NOT GOLD. 122 00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:57,957 I MEAN, A PRECIOUS METAL. 123 00:05:57,957 --> 00:05:59,458 NO. 124 00:05:59,459 --> 00:06:01,961 - WELL, SEMI-PRECIOUS? - NO. 125 00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:05,464 NOT PRECIOUS AT ALL, BUT OF SENTIMENTAL VALUE? 126 00:06:06,466 --> 00:06:08,968 YES, YOU COULD SAY THAT. 127 00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:11,971 IT BELONGS TO ME. AND I INTEND TO FIND IT 128 00:06:11,971 --> 00:06:13,472 EVEN IF I HAVE TO TAKE THIS PLACE APART. 129 00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:15,475 WHAT IS IN THESE DRAWERS? 130 00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:18,478 NOTHING AT ALL, GENERAL... 131 00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:20,980 PARTICULARLY NOT IN THIS DRAWER. 132 00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:22,982 OPEN IT. 133 00:06:22,982 --> 00:06:24,483 I WOULD RATHER NOT. 134 00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:26,486 OUT OF MY WAY. 135 00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:28,988 AH! MY GOD! 136 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:34,493 STOP, GENERAL, STOP! IT IS WORTH 200 MARKS. 137 00:06:38,498 --> 00:06:39,999 YOU SEE? 138 00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:42,001 DEAD. 139 00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:44,503 General: My God, I hate rats. 140 00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:51,010 I DO NOT LIKE GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN. 141 00:06:51,010 --> 00:06:52,011 WHY NOT? 142 00:06:52,011 --> 00:06:55,014 HE HATES RATS. 143 00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:57,016 RATS ARE MY FAVORITE ANIMAL. 144 00:06:57,016 --> 00:06:59,018 THEY ARE SMALL, SHIFTY AND DISGUSTING, 145 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,021 JUST LIKE YOU. 146 00:07:03,022 --> 00:07:05,524 THANK YOU, HERR FLICK. 147 00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:10,029 I THINK THE GENERAL HAS LOST SOME GOLD. 148 00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:12,531 AND THE COLONEL HAS STOLEN IT. 149 00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:15,034 NO. HE IS TOO STUPID. 150 00:07:15,034 --> 00:07:17,536 THERE IS ONLY ONE MAN WHO WOULD HAVE THE GALL 151 00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:19,038 TO TRY AND OUTWIT US GERMANS, 152 00:07:19,038 --> 00:07:20,539 AND THAT IS RENE. 153 00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:22,041 WE SHALL INTERROGATE HIM. 154 00:07:22,041 --> 00:07:24,543 BUT HE ALWAYS TELLS US LIES. 155 00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:27,547 HE WILL NOT TELL LIES TO A PERSON WITH SEX APPEAL 156 00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:31,050 BREATHING HOT, LUSTFUL BREATH DOWN HIS NECK. 157 00:07:31,050 --> 00:07:34,053 HE IS VERY TALL, HERR FLICK. 158 00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:40,560 I SHOULD HAVE TO STAND ON A CHAIR. 159 00:07:42,061 --> 00:07:45,064 I AM REFERRING TO HELGA. 160 00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:46,565 BRING HER TO ME, 161 00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:48,568 DRESSED IN HOT, LUSTFUL CLOTHES. 162 00:07:48,568 --> 00:07:52,071 MY PLEASURE, HERR FLICK. 163 00:07:52,071 --> 00:07:53,572 AND KEEP YOUR EYES AVERTED. 164 00:07:53,573 --> 00:07:55,074 YES, HERR FLICK. 165 00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:05,084 MADAME, GIVE ME YOUR DAUGHTER. 166 00:08:06,586 --> 00:08:07,587 ALL RIGHT. 167 00:08:07,587 --> 00:08:10,590 WHAT FRENCH BEDROOM FARCE IS THIS? 168 00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:13,593 HE HAS WON MY HEART, AND THE CAFE. 169 00:08:13,593 --> 00:08:15,595 WAIT, EDITH. 170 00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:19,098 JUST NOW, WHEN I WAS CLEANING OUT THE SINK, 171 00:08:19,098 --> 00:08:21,100 IT ALL CAME FLOODING BACK. 172 00:08:22,101 --> 00:08:24,603 MY HOPELESS LOVE AND YEARNING 173 00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:26,606 FOR THE ONLY WOMAN THAT I HAVE EVER, 174 00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:29,609 OR COULD EVER, LOVE. 175 00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:30,610 LET THERE BE A WEDDING, 176 00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:32,612 BUT LET IT BE OURS. 177 00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:33,613 OH, RENE. 178 00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:37,617 IF I WERE A FITTER MAN 179 00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,619 I WOULD FIGHT YOU FOR HER HONOR. 180 00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:41,621 I SHOULD NOT BOTHER. SHE NEVER DID. 181 00:08:43,122 --> 00:08:44,623 RIGHT. 182 00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:46,626 I WILL GO AND BOOK THE REGISTRY OFFICE FOR TOMORROW. 183 00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,628 A CIVIL WEDDING! 184 00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:51,130 AS CIVIL AS WE CAN IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES. 185 00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:54,133 - THE MAYOR CAN MARRY US. - THE MAYOR? 186 00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:56,635 THE OLD MAN WITH THE GRAY HAIR. 187 00:08:56,636 --> 00:09:00,139 BUT THE OLD GRAY MAYOR IS DEAD. 188 00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,141 THEN THE DEPUTY MAYOR CAN HAVE THE PLEASURE. 189 00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:05,644 I AM THE DEPUTY MAYOR. IT WILL BE NO PLEASURE. 190 00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:08,147 THEN YOU WILL NOT WANT TO BE LATE FOR THE EVENT. 191 00:09:08,147 --> 00:09:10,649 I SHOULD SET OFF DOWN THE STAIRS NOW. 192 00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:19,158 HELGA IS HERE. 193 00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:20,159 AH, GOOD. 194 00:09:20,159 --> 00:09:21,160 ENTER. 195 00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:27,166 I AM READY, HERR FLICK. 196 00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:31,170 THIS TO ME DOES NOT LOOK VERY TEASING AND TANTALIZING. 197 00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:33,672 YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE A SEX MAD FRENCHMAN 198 00:09:33,673 --> 00:09:35,675 FLIP HIS LID. 199 00:09:35,675 --> 00:09:38,177 I HOPE YOU ARE WEARING SOMETHING WONDERFUL UNDERNEATH. 200 00:09:38,177 --> 00:09:40,679 NO, HERR FLICK, I AM NOT. 201 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,182 YOU ARE DELIBERATELY DISOBEYING MY ORDERS. 202 00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:44,183 NO. 203 00:09:44,183 --> 00:09:45,184 SHOW ME. 204 00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:47,686 - NO, I WILL NOT. - WHY NOT? 205 00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:51,691 BECAUSE I AM TEASING AND TANTALIZING YOU. 206 00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:53,192 I AM GOING. 207 00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:55,694 STOP! 208 00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:57,196 VON SMALLHOUSEN, 209 00:09:57,196 --> 00:09:58,697 WHAT IS HELGA WEARING UNDERNEATH? 210 00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:01,701 I PROMISED NOT TO SAY, 211 00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:03,703 BUT I TELL YOU WHAT AN EFFECT IT HAS HAD ON ME. 212 00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:08,708 THIS IS VERY CURIOUS. SHOW ME. 213 00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:12,211 AAAAAGHGHGHGHGH! 214 00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:16,215 GET OUT. 215 00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:20,219 NOT YOU, HELGA. 216 00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:23,222 I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO GO AND SEE RENE? 217 00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:24,723 OH, NO RUSH. 218 00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:26,225 TOMORROW WILL DO. 219 00:10:27,226 --> 00:10:29,228 TODAY I WILL REHEARSE YOU. 220 00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:30,729 SHOW ME YOUR TECHNIQUE. 221 00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:32,732 YES, HERR FLICK. 222 00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:36,235 ( burlesque music plays ) 223 00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:44,243 MY GOD! 224 00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:45,744 THREE SWASTIKAS. 225 00:10:45,745 --> 00:10:47,747 AAAAGHGHGHGHGH! 226 00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,251 HERE WE ARE, COLONEL. 227 00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:53,752 THE VAN CLOMP, THE VAN GOGH, 228 00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:56,756 AND SEVERAL PACKETS OF SPAGHETTI TO CONCEAL THEM IN. 229 00:10:56,756 --> 00:10:57,757 HOW CAN WE TELL WHICH IS WHICH? 230 00:10:57,757 --> 00:11:01,761 THE PAINTINGS TAKE LONGER THAN 12 MINUTES ON A LOW GAS. 231 00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:06,766 I LOVE A MAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR. 232 00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:09,268 IT WAS NOT THAT FUNNY. 233 00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:10,769 THEY ARE WELL MARKED, COLONEL. 234 00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:12,772 - RENE. - YES? 235 00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:14,273 YOU MUST COME OUTSIDE WITH ME. 236 00:11:14,273 --> 00:11:16,775 I HAVE SOMETHING VERY EXCITING TO SHOW YOU. 237 00:11:18,277 --> 00:11:20,779 OH, YES. 238 00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:23,783 IT IS MY BRAND NEW BIG TANK. 239 00:11:23,783 --> 00:11:26,786 WHAT A RELIEF. 240 00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:30,289 HEY! WHERE'S ALL THE BEAUTIFUL LADIES? 241 00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:32,791 ALBERTO BERTORELLI IS READY 242 00:11:32,792 --> 00:11:34,794 FOR THE FUN AND THE GAMES UP THE STAIRS. 243 00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:37,797 I AM SORRY, CAPTAIN, WE ARE A LITTLE SHORT OF STAFF. 244 00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:40,299 I LIKE THAT LITTLE SHORT OF STAFF. 245 00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:43,302 - RENE. - ( Rene sighs ) 246 00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:46,805 HERE I AM. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME? 247 00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:48,808 IN SMALL DOSES. 248 00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:51,310 WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LADY. 249 00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:53,312 I FORGOT. 250 00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:55,314 IT IS BAD LUCK FOR YOU TO SEE ME BEFORE THE WEDDING. 251 00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:57,816 IT IS NOT EXACTLY GOOD LUCK FOR ME 252 00:11:57,817 --> 00:11:59,819 TO SEE YOU AFTERWARDS. 253 00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:01,821 WHAT WEDDING IS THIS? 254 00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:03,322 YOU MEAN HE HAS NOT TOLD YOU? 255 00:12:03,322 --> 00:12:05,324 TOLD US WHAT? 256 00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:06,825 THE WONDERFUL NEWS THAT IS MAKING HIM 257 00:12:06,826 --> 00:12:09,328 THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ALL FRANCE. 258 00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:11,330 OH YES, THAT. 259 00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:12,831 WE ARE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW. 260 00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:15,334 RENE, 261 00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:17,836 CONGRATULATIONS. 262 00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:20,339 THAT IS INDEED WONDERFUL NEWS. 263 00:12:20,339 --> 00:12:22,341 ISN'T IT, GRUBER? 264 00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:28,347 GRUBER? 265 00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:32,852 I SUPPOSE FELICITATIONS ARE IN ORDER. 266 00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:34,854 I SUPPOSE SO. 267 00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:37,356 I HOPE SHE WILL MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY. 268 00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:40,860 AS HAPPY AS ANY WOMAN EVER CAN. 269 00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:47,366 I MUST JUST GO AND... 270 00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:49,368 TICKLE MY CARBURETOR. 271 00:12:50,870 --> 00:12:52,371 BEAUTIFUL LADY, 272 00:12:52,371 --> 00:12:54,373 I KISS YOUR HAND. 273 00:12:55,374 --> 00:12:57,376 I KISS YOUR ARM. 274 00:12:58,377 --> 00:12:59,878 I KISS YOUR KISSER. 275 00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:01,380 OH! 276 00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:03,382 NO, CAPTAIN, THAT IS SPOKEN FOR. 277 00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:06,385 I, ALBERTO BERTORELLI, WILL MAKE THE WEDDING BREAKFAST. 278 00:13:06,385 --> 00:13:08,387 YOU LIKE ITALIAN COOKING? 279 00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:09,888 OH, VERY MUCH. 280 00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:11,390 NOW, YOU TELL ME, 281 00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:13,392 HAVE YOU GOT THE BIG-A TOMATOES? 282 00:13:14,393 --> 00:13:16,395 I BEG-A YOUR PARDON? 283 00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:21,400 I WANT-A YOUR BIG-A TOMATOES 284 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:22,901 FOR THE SAUCE. 285 00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:24,904 OH, I SEE. 286 00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:27,907 I MAKE THE BIG BOWL OF SPAGHETTI NAPOLETANA. 287 00:13:27,907 --> 00:13:29,408 COLONEL, THE PAINTINGS! 288 00:13:29,408 --> 00:13:30,909 WHAT? 289 00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:31,911 NO, WAIT! 290 00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:33,913 WHAT'S THE MATTER? 291 00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:35,414 THAT'S NOT SPAGHETTI. 292 00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:37,916 IT FEEL LIKE SPAGHETTI. 293 00:13:37,917 --> 00:13:39,418 IT'S DYNAMITE. 294 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,422 ( winces ) 295 00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:45,924 MAMMA MIA! 296 00:13:45,925 --> 00:13:47,927 OH, COLONEL, 297 00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:50,429 YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE. 298 00:13:56,435 --> 00:13:59,438 WHAT-A MISTAKE-A TO MAKE-A. 299 00:14:06,979 --> 00:14:08,981 SEE YOU LATER, EDITH. DO NOT WAIT UP. 300 00:14:08,981 --> 00:14:11,483 - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - OUT. 301 00:14:11,483 --> 00:14:13,985 OUT? TONIGHT? THE EVE OF OUR WEDDING? 302 00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:16,488 I AM SORRY, EDITH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER 303 00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:17,989 IT IS MY STAG NIGHT WITH THE BOYS. 304 00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:19,491 YOU HAVE HAD YOUR STAG NIGHT. 305 00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:21,493 - WHEN? - 25 YEARS AGO. 306 00:14:21,493 --> 00:14:23,495 OH, EDITH. 307 00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:26,998 BESIDES, I HAVE PREPARED FOR YOU A LITTLE SURPRISE. 308 00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:30,502 IT CAN HARDLY BE A SURPRISE AFTER 25 YEARS. 309 00:14:30,502 --> 00:14:32,504 I SHALL BE DOING IT YOUR FAVORITE WAY. 310 00:14:32,504 --> 00:14:35,006 DOING WHAT? 311 00:14:35,007 --> 00:14:36,508 FROG IN THE HOLE. 312 00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:40,012 AND HOW WOULD YOU LIKE 313 00:14:40,012 --> 00:14:41,513 ONE OF THOSE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS? 314 00:14:41,513 --> 00:14:44,015 EDITH, HOW CAN I GET IT INTO YOUR THICK HEAD 315 00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:46,018 THOSE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS ARE NOT FOR NIBBLING? 316 00:14:46,018 --> 00:14:47,519 THEY ARE FOR BLOWING UP DOCKYARDS. 317 00:14:47,519 --> 00:14:49,521 OH, SILLY ME. 318 00:14:49,521 --> 00:14:51,022 IT IS THE THOUGHT OF THE WEDDING. 319 00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:53,025 I AM ALL OVER THE PLACE. 320 00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:56,028 YOU COOK ONE OF THOSE PUDDINGS AND YOU WILL BE. 321 00:14:57,029 --> 00:14:59,031 PSST, RENE. DO NOT BE LONG. 322 00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:07,038 BE RIGHT WITH YOU, PIERRE. 323 00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:08,540 WHO IS PIERRE? 324 00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:10,542 JUST ONE OF THE BOYS. 325 00:15:10,542 --> 00:15:12,043 HE'S GOING ON OUR STAG NIGHT. 326 00:15:12,044 --> 00:15:14,046 ARE YOU COMING, RENE? 327 00:15:17,549 --> 00:15:20,552 RENE, WE ARE WASTING TIME. 328 00:15:20,552 --> 00:15:23,054 ALL RIGHT, JACQUES. BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE. 329 00:15:23,055 --> 00:15:25,557 WHAT IT IS TO BE SO POPULAR. 330 00:15:30,562 --> 00:15:32,063 MY GOD! 331 00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:38,570 SHH. 332 00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:42,574 IT IS I, LECLERC. 333 00:15:46,078 --> 00:15:48,080 I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED. 334 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,082 THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A STAG NIGHT, 335 00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:51,583 NOT A SHRIMPING EXPEDITION. 336 00:15:51,583 --> 00:15:55,086 THIS IS OPERATION WATERLOO. 337 00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:58,590 WE ARE DISGUISED AS EEL FISHERMAN. 338 00:15:58,590 --> 00:16:02,594 WE? YOU MEAN, THERE IS MORE THAN ONE OF YOU IN THAT SUIT? 339 00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:04,095 PSST! 340 00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:06,098 FOLLOW ME. 341 00:16:09,101 --> 00:16:11,103 WHAT HO. CHIN CHIN. 342 00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:12,604 PIP PIP. TOODLE-OO. 343 00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:18,610 I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. 344 00:16:18,610 --> 00:16:21,613 All: HURRY UP. COME ON. YOUR STAG NIGHT. 345 00:16:22,614 --> 00:16:24,115 DO NOT FORGET, RENE, 346 00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:25,617 I WILL BE WAITING UP FOR YOU. 347 00:16:26,618 --> 00:16:28,620 GOD, GIVE ME STRENGTH. 348 00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:34,125 ( singing softly ) 349 00:16:35,627 --> 00:16:38,129 ♪ THE PRETTY SKY-- ♪ 350 00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:39,631 OH. 351 00:16:39,631 --> 00:16:41,633 RENE, RENE! 352 00:16:52,644 --> 00:16:55,647 OH, RENE. WE HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY FOR IT. 353 00:16:55,647 --> 00:16:57,649 THE SUN IS SHINING. 354 00:16:57,649 --> 00:16:58,650 OH, EDITH, FOR GOD'S SAKE. 355 00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:00,151 CURB YOUR HIGH SPIRITS. 356 00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:04,656 LAST NIGHT, 357 00:17:04,656 --> 00:17:07,158 JUST FOR ONE BRIEF MOMENT, 358 00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:09,161 I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE REHEARSAL 359 00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:10,162 OF OUR WEDDED BLISS. 360 00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:13,165 I WAS TOO KNACKERED FROM THE STAG NIGHT. 361 00:17:14,666 --> 00:17:17,168 I MUST GO UP TO THE ROOM OF MY MOTHER. 362 00:17:17,169 --> 00:17:19,671 THIS IS A BIG DAY FOR HER. 363 00:17:19,671 --> 00:17:21,673 I MUST SPEND SOME TIME HELPING HER TO LOOK 364 00:17:21,673 --> 00:17:22,674 YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL. 365 00:17:22,674 --> 00:17:25,677 SHALL WE PUT EVERYTHING OFF FOR A MONTH OR TWO? 366 00:17:25,677 --> 00:17:27,679 RENE! 367 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:30,682 OOH, OOH. 368 00:17:32,684 --> 00:17:35,186 - HELGA, HURRY. - YES, HERR FLICK. 369 00:17:35,187 --> 00:17:36,688 THERE HE IS. 370 00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:38,690 MAKE HIM TELL YOU WHERE THE GOLD IS HIDDEN. 371 00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:41,192 DRIVE HIM MAD WITH LUST. 372 00:17:41,193 --> 00:17:42,694 YES, HERR FLICK. 373 00:17:51,203 --> 00:17:52,704 HUH? OH! 374 00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:54,205 RENE, 375 00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:56,708 I WONDER IF YOU COULD DO ME A FAVOR? 376 00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:58,710 THERE IS SOMETHING I WANT. 377 00:18:05,717 --> 00:18:07,719 I HAVE ALREADY GIVEN. 378 00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:19,231 GOOD MOANING. 379 00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:22,234 OH, GOD! IT GETS WORSE. 380 00:18:24,236 --> 00:18:26,238 BOD NOSE, I AM AFROOD. 381 00:18:31,743 --> 00:18:33,745 BOD? 382 00:18:33,745 --> 00:18:36,247 VERY BOD. 383 00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:39,251 LAST NIT, IPERATION WATERLOO 384 00:18:39,251 --> 00:18:41,253 WAS A COMPLOTE AND UTTER KICK UP. 385 00:18:43,755 --> 00:18:44,756 OH. 386 00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:48,259 THE TEED WENT OUT AND THE SUBMAROON 387 00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:50,262 IS BITCHED ON A SANDBONK. 388 00:18:52,764 --> 00:18:54,766 A MONUMENTAL KICK UP. 389 00:18:54,766 --> 00:18:56,768 WE DID OUR BUST. 390 00:18:58,770 --> 00:19:03,274 SOON WE CAN EXPICT ANOTHER PARASHAT DRIP. 391 00:19:03,275 --> 00:19:05,777 LONDON IS SENDING YOU A COLLOPSABLE DONGHY. 392 00:19:10,782 --> 00:19:12,784 I ALREADY HAVE ONE OF THOSE. 393 00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:25,097 AND SO GOOD CITIZENS OF NOUVION, 394 00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:28,100 THE TWO PARTIES STANDING BEFORE ME NOW 395 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,602 HAVE REQUESTED IN ACCORDANCE 396 00:19:30,602 --> 00:19:32,604 WITH ARTICLE 39 OF THE LEGAL CODE... 397 00:19:32,604 --> 00:19:34,105 FARTY. 398 00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,108 I BEG YOUR PARDON? 399 00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:40,612 ARTICLE FARTY. 400 00:19:42,614 --> 00:19:44,616 IT IS BAD ENOUGH HAVING TO MARRY THE WOMAN I LOVE 401 00:19:44,616 --> 00:19:45,617 TO THE MAN I DETEST, 402 00:19:45,617 --> 00:19:48,119 WITHOUT BEING TAUGHT MY OWN BUSINESS 403 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,122 BY A MAN WHO MANGLES THE LANGUAGE OF FRANCE. 404 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,124 I DO NOT MINGLE IT. 405 00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:53,625 SILENCE! 406 00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:54,626 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, 407 00:19:54,626 --> 00:19:56,127 BE CAREFUL OF YOUR DICKY TICKER. 408 00:19:56,128 --> 00:20:00,132 WOULD THAT I COULD LAY MY DICKY TICKER AT YOUR FEET. 409 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:04,636 YOU OLD FOOL, GET ON WITH IT. 410 00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:07,138 PLEASE, LET THERE BE DECORUM. 411 00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:10,142 DO YOU-- 412 00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:11,643 DO YOU RENE FRANCOIS-- 413 00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:13,144 YES, YES, YES. 414 00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:15,147 DO YOU, EDITH MELBA-- 415 00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,148 YES, YES! 416 00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:17,649 THEN I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU-- 417 00:20:17,649 --> 00:20:19,651 AGH! 418 00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:22,153 YOU ARE NOT PRONOUNCING IT VERY WELL. 419 00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:23,655 AGAIN, PLEASE! 420 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:28,160 I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND-- 421 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,662 AGH! DICKY TICKER. 422 00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:32,664 Colonel: THE MAN IS ILL, TAKE HIM TO HOSPITAL. 423 00:20:32,664 --> 00:20:35,166 Yvette: LIE HIM DOWN. GIVE HIM AIR. 424 00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:37,169 IS THERE A DICTOR IN THE HOOSE? 425 00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:40,172 SPEAK TO ME! SAY SOMETHING. 426 00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:42,174 SAY "MAN AND WIFE" FOR A START. 427 00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,675 MONSIEUR LECLERC, GO GET HIM SOME WATER. 428 00:20:43,675 --> 00:20:45,176 WATER, RIGHT. 429 00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:46,678 NO, MAKE IT BRANDY. 430 00:20:46,678 --> 00:20:49,681 WHICH DO YOU WANT? WATER OR BRANDY? 431 00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:51,182 BRANDY. 432 00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:53,185 I DO NOT BELIEVE HE IS ILL AT ALL. 433 00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:54,686 OF COURSE HE IS ILL 434 00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:56,187 CARRY HIM BACK TO THE CAFE. 435 00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:58,190 PUT HIM IN MY BED. 436 00:20:58,190 --> 00:21:00,192 EDITH, IT IS OUR BED! 437 00:21:00,192 --> 00:21:02,694 LET US PRETEND IT IS HER BED. 438 00:21:05,697 --> 00:21:08,199 ♪ IT'S NOW OR NEVER ♪ 439 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,702 ♪ COME HOLD ME TIGHT ♪ 440 00:21:10,702 --> 00:21:14,706 ♪ KISS ME MY DARLING ♪ 441 00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:17,709 ♪ BE MINE TONIGHT ♪ 442 00:21:17,709 --> 00:21:19,711 ♪ TOMORROW WILL BE TO LATE-- ♪ 443 00:21:20,712 --> 00:21:22,213 HERE, PUT HIM IN HERE! 444 00:21:22,214 --> 00:21:25,217 WHAT'S GOING ON, EH? 445 00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:26,218 YOU ARE TOO EARLY. 446 00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:27,719 I AM NOT READY. 447 00:21:27,719 --> 00:21:29,220 YOU ARE TOO FAST-A FOR THE PASTA. 448 00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:31,723 I WANT THE BEDROOM. 449 00:21:31,723 --> 00:21:34,225 I WANT THE BED OF MY EDITH. 450 00:21:34,226 --> 00:21:36,728 YOU WILL GET THE BACK OF MY HAND IN A MINUTE. 451 00:21:36,728 --> 00:21:39,731 RENE, I CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR REPRIEVE. 452 00:21:39,731 --> 00:21:41,232 I THINK WE SHOULD CALL FOR CHAMPAGNE. 453 00:21:41,233 --> 00:21:43,235 WE SHOULD CALL THE DOCTOR. 454 00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:44,736 I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF HIM. 455 00:21:44,736 --> 00:21:46,738 I HAVE NEVER LIKED THE LOOK OF HIM. 456 00:21:46,738 --> 00:21:49,240 BUT THERE IS NOT A LOT THE DOCTOR CAN DO ABOUT THAT. 457 00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:51,243 HIS HEART IS IN A SHOCKING STATE. 458 00:21:51,243 --> 00:21:53,745 I NOTICE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIS THROAT. 459 00:21:53,745 --> 00:21:55,246 LECLERC, GO BACK TO THE REGISTRY OFFICE, 460 00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:57,249 GET THE DEPUTY MAYOR'S LITTLE BLACK BOOK. 461 00:21:57,249 --> 00:21:58,750 WE WILL FINISH THE WEDDING HERE. 462 00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:00,752 OH, HOW WONDERFUL. 463 00:22:00,752 --> 00:22:02,754 TO BE MARRIED IN MY OWN HOME. 464 00:22:02,754 --> 00:22:03,755 NO, NO, NO. 465 00:22:03,755 --> 00:22:07,258 A CAFE IS NOT A PROPER PLACE FOR SUCH A CEREMONY. 466 00:22:07,259 --> 00:22:09,761 YOU HAVE ONLY TO SAY THREE WORDS: MAN AND WIFE. 467 00:22:09,761 --> 00:22:10,762 THAT IS HARDLY A CEREMONY. 468 00:22:12,264 --> 00:22:13,765 WELL, IF YOU INSIST. 469 00:22:13,765 --> 00:22:16,768 I SUPPOSE I COULD DO IT IN MY OFFICIAL CAPACITY. 470 00:22:16,768 --> 00:22:19,771 WHICH APPEARS TO BE ABOUT HALF A BOTTLE OF BRANDY. 471 00:22:22,274 --> 00:22:24,276 TAKE YOUR PLACES AGAIN. 472 00:22:24,276 --> 00:22:25,777 HEY, EVERYBODY, 473 00:22:25,777 --> 00:22:27,278 IT'S TIME TO EAT. 474 00:22:27,279 --> 00:22:31,783 WE BEGIN WITH ALBERTO BERTORELLI'S BIG SURPRISE. 475 00:22:33,285 --> 00:22:35,287 TORTA... 476 00:22:35,287 --> 00:22:36,788 DI PRIMA... 477 00:22:36,788 --> 00:22:38,289 COLLASIONE... 478 00:22:38,290 --> 00:22:40,792 MATRIMONIALE! 479 00:22:40,792 --> 00:22:43,795 WHAT IS HE SAYING? THEY ARE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS. 480 00:22:43,795 --> 00:22:45,797 YOU CATCH ME OUT. 481 00:22:45,797 --> 00:22:48,299 I CANNOT TELL A LIE. 482 00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:50,802 I FOUND THEM IN THE CELLAR. 483 00:22:50,802 --> 00:22:52,303 HOW CLEVER OF YOU. 484 00:22:52,304 --> 00:22:54,306 YOU STUPID WOMAN! 485 00:22:54,306 --> 00:22:56,808 GET DOWN EVERYBODY! DOWN! 486 00:22:56,808 --> 00:22:58,810 OH NO. NOT MY BEAUTIFUL NEW TANK. 487 00:23:00,312 --> 00:23:01,313 WHAT'S THE MATTER? 488 00:23:01,313 --> 00:23:03,315 I TRY TO MAKE THE BIG IMPRESSION! 489 00:23:03,315 --> 00:23:04,816 GET DOWN! 490 00:23:05,817 --> 00:23:07,819 ( all scream ) 491 00:23:14,326 --> 00:23:17,329 ( theme music playing )