1 00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:06,072 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:27,093 YOU MUST EXCUSE ME FOR BEING OUT OF BREATH, 3 00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:29,095 BUT I HAVE JUST BEEN ENDEAVORING 4 00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:31,097 TO LAUNCH A LONG DISTANCE DUCK. 5 00:00:33,099 --> 00:00:36,602 THIS LONG DISTANCE DUCK IS A LONG DISTANCE LADY DUCK. 6 00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:39,606 SHE IS CARRYING A MICRODOT FILM 7 00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:41,608 FOR THE PLAN OF THE INVASION OF ENGLAND. 8 00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:44,611 IT IS ATTACHED TO HER LEG BY A CORN PLASTER. 9 00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:48,614 UNFORTUNATELY, DESPITE THE COMBINED EFFORTS 10 00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:51,618 OF MYSELF, MY WIFE AND HALF THE VILLAGE, 11 00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:53,620 SHE STEADFASTLY REFUSED TO TAKE OFF. 12 00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:56,122 SHE WAS LAST SEEN WALKING PAST THE POST OFFICE. 13 00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:59,125 RENE, 14 00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:00,626 IT IS QUARTER PAST 3:00. 15 00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:04,130 - SO? - IT IS TIME TO FEED THE BABY DUCKS. 16 00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:06,132 ( ducks peep ) 17 00:01:06,132 --> 00:01:08,134 EVEN AS I SPEAK, YOUR BRAVE MOTHER 18 00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:10,636 IS WALKING DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD 19 00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:12,639 TOWARDS ENGLAND. 20 00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:15,141 ONE GERMAN CONVOY AND YOU WILL ALL BE ORPHANS. 21 00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:20,647 SHUSH, YOU HAVE MADE ONE OF THEM FAINT-- HE HAS FALLEN OVER. 22 00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:23,650 IT IS PROBABLY LACK OF FOOD. WHY HAVE YOU NOT FED THEM? 23 00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:26,152 I PREPARED SOME WARM CARROT SOUP, 24 00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:28,154 BUT MICHELLE SAID THEY HAD TO BE FED 25 00:01:28,154 --> 00:01:29,655 WITH A FOUNTAIN PEN FILLER, 26 00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:31,157 AND I COULD NOT FIND ONE. 27 00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:33,159 HAVE YOU NO IMAGINATION? 28 00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:34,160 POUR IT DOWN THE BIG END 29 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,661 OF YOUR MOTHER'S EAR TRUMPET. 30 00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:38,665 I AM NOT POURING CARROT SOUP 31 00:01:38,665 --> 00:01:40,667 DOWN MY MOTHER'S EAR TRUMPET. 32 00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:42,669 YOU HAD BETTER DO SOMETHING AND QUICKLY-- 33 00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:43,670 ANOTHER ONE HAS FALLEN OVER. 34 00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:45,171 OH MY GOD... 35 00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:47,673 I WILL GET THE EAR TRUMPET. 36 00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:52,178 YVETTE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? 37 00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:54,680 WE SHOULD BE OPEN BY NOW. 38 00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:57,183 RENE, MADAME EDITH SENT ME TO THE MARKET 39 00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:58,184 TO BUY SOME CLOTHES 40 00:01:58,184 --> 00:02:00,186 FOR THE GIRLS OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE, 41 00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:01,687 THE ONES THAT ARE HIDING UPSTAIRS. 42 00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:03,690 WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT THEM? 43 00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:05,692 IN A MARKET I FOUND 44 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,694 SOME CHEAP SERVING MAIDS' UNIFORMS, 45 00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:10,697 SO THEY CAN WORK IN THE KITCHEN. 46 00:02:10,697 --> 00:02:13,700 WITH THE CHANGE, I BOUGHT MYSELF THIS HAT. 47 00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:16,702 WHEN WE RUN AWAY TO GET MARRIED, 48 00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:19,205 I CAN WEAR IT ON MY HONEYMOON. 49 00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:20,706 NOT ALL THE TIME. 50 00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:25,211 RENE, KISS ME; 51 00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:27,713 CRUSH THE BREATH FROM MY BODY; 52 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:30,216 SEND THE BLOOD POUNDING THROUGH MY VEINS. 53 00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:36,723 OH MY PASSIONATE ONE, 54 00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,725 I CAN FEEL YOU WRIGGLING WITH ECSTASY. 55 00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:41,728 I AM TRYING NOT TO SNEEZE. 56 00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:46,232 GO QUICKLY BEFORE EDITH RETURNS. 57 00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:54,240 RENE, THE COMMUNIST GIRLS 58 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,242 HAVE THROWN ME OUT OF MY BEDROOM 59 00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:59,245 AND FORCED ME TO SLEEP IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD. 60 00:02:59,245 --> 00:03:00,746 LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, MIMI. 61 00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,749 AT LEAST YOU WILL BE NICE AND WARM. 62 00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:04,751 IT IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE HOT WATER TANK. 63 00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:07,754 IT IS ALSO NEXT TO YOUR ROOM. 64 00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:11,257 COME TO ME AT MIDNIGHT. 65 00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:16,262 WE CAN MAKE WILD, PASSIONATE, RATHER CRAMPED LOVE. 66 00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:18,764 MY DEAR SWEET MIMI, YOU SWEET, RANDY CHILD, 67 00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:20,767 IT IS TOO RISKY. 68 00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:23,269 HOW MUCH LONGER MUST I REMAIN UNFULFILLED? 69 00:03:23,269 --> 00:03:26,272 CERTAINLY UNTIL YOU GET YOUR ROOM BACK. 70 00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:28,274 QUICK-- I HEAR EDITH COMING DOWN THE STAIRS. 71 00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:30,776 RENE, 72 00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:32,779 YOU CANNOT EXPECT ME, DENISE LAROQUE, 73 00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,280 LEADER OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE, 74 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,781 TO WEAR THESE RAGS? 75 00:03:35,782 --> 00:03:38,284 DO NOT BLAME ME, MY LOVE. BLAME MADAME EDITH. 76 00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:39,785 SHE GAVE THE GIRL SO LITTLE, 77 00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:41,788 SHE WAS NOT ABLE TO AFFORD ANYTHING BETTER. 78 00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:43,289 DO YOU NOT HAVE MONEY? 79 00:03:43,289 --> 00:03:45,291 YES, BUT IT IS IN THE TILL. 80 00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:46,292 EDITH KEEPS THE KEY. 81 00:03:46,292 --> 00:03:49,295 THE SOONER THIS WOMAN IS DEAD, THE BETTER. 82 00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:52,298 DENISE, NOT THAT, NOT NOW, NOT HERE-- 83 00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:53,299 WE ARE OPEN! 84 00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:56,802 ( gun fires ) 85 00:03:58,304 --> 00:03:59,805 HERE, TAKE THIS. 86 00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:01,808 YOU WILL BUY TWO WAITRESSES' OUTFITS 87 00:04:01,808 --> 00:04:03,810 SO THAT WE CAN POSE HERE AS SERVING GIRLS. 88 00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:04,811 YES. WHAT SIZE? 89 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:07,313 16 TOP, 10 BOTTOM-- LONG. 90 00:04:07,313 --> 00:04:09,315 16 TOP... 91 00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,817 YES, I WILL MAKE A NOTE OF THAT. 92 00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,820 BLOOD OF MY LIFE, 93 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:16,322 MY HEART POUNDS LIKE A SEA OF PASSION, 94 00:04:16,322 --> 00:04:18,324 CRASHING ON THE ROCKS OF MY DESIRE. 95 00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:19,825 I HAVE BUT TO LOOK AT YOU 96 00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:22,328 AND I SEE CLOUDS SCUDDING ACROSS THE MOON, 97 00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:25,331 TREES BENDING ON A TROPICAL SHORE. 98 00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:27,833 DID YOU HAVE CHEESE FOR SUPPER? 99 00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:30,837 YOU WILL COME TO ME TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT. 100 00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:32,839 BUT YOU ARE SHARING A ROOM WITH LOUISE. 101 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,341 I WILL DANGLE HER OUT OF THE WINDOW. 102 00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:39,845 UNTIL TONIGHT. 103 00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:40,847 YES. 104 00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:44,350 RENE! 105 00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:45,851 LOUISE, WHY ARE YOU HERE? 106 00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:47,854 I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIDING IN MIMI'S ROOM. 107 00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:49,856 I CLIMBED DOWN THE DRAINPIPE. 108 00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:51,357 ALL THIS MORNING, 109 00:04:51,357 --> 00:04:53,859 DENISE HAS MADE ME DANGLE OUT OF THE WINDOW. 110 00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:56,362 SHE SAID IT WAS PRACTICE FOR A SPECIAL EMERGENCY. 111 00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:58,864 DID SHE SAY WHAT KIND OF EMERGENCY? 112 00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:01,868 SHE PLAYS EVERYTHING VERY CLOSE TO HER CHEST. 113 00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:04,370 THAT IS UNDERSTANDABLE. 114 00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:07,874 - RENE... - YES? 115 00:05:07,874 --> 00:05:11,878 I KNOW THAT SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU, 116 00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:14,380 BUT MY PASSION IS GREATER THAN HER PASSION. 117 00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:17,383 INSIDE ME SURGES A NEED, 118 00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:20,386 WANTS TO MAKE ME PLUNGE UPON THE ROCKS OF YOUR MANHOOD 119 00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:23,889 AND TUMBLE US BOTH INTO A WHIRLPOOL OF ECSTASY. 120 00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:28,394 MY GOD, AND I CANNOT EVEN SWIM. 121 00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:33,899 BECAUSE OF DENISE, 122 00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:35,902 YOU CANNOT COME TO MY ROOM AT MIDNIGHT-- 123 00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:37,403 I WILL COME TO YOURS. 124 00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:38,904 THAT IS NOT VERY CONVENIENT. 125 00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:41,407 THEN I WILL DANGLE OUT OF MY WINDOW, 126 00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:43,909 AND YOU WILL DANGLE OUT OF YOURS. 127 00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:46,912 WE WILL MEET ON THE PARAPET 128 00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:49,916 AND MAKE WILD, ABANDONED LOVE. 129 00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:53,419 IT WILL BE A NIGHT TO REMEMBER. 130 00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:55,421 IT WILL CERTAINLY BE A TALKING POINT 131 00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:57,423 AMONGST THE NEIGHBORS. 132 00:05:57,423 --> 00:06:00,426 I MUST GO NOW AND DO 500 PRESS-UPS 133 00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:02,428 SO THAT I WILL BE STRONG FOR YOU. 134 00:06:03,429 --> 00:06:04,930 ( groans ) 135 00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:08,434 MY GOD, WHAT A MESS I AM IN. 136 00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,437 WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME 137 00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:13,439 THAT MAKES NICE GIRLS INTO HOOLIGANS? 138 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,442 CAN NOBODY RESIST ME? 139 00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:17,876 GOOD AFTERNOON, RENE. 140 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,383 COLONEL, HE IS ALONE. 141 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,884 GOOD. 142 00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:25,885 LOCK THE DOOR. 143 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,389 RENE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. 144 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,391 - OH? - YOU EXPLAIN IT, GRUBER-- 145 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,393 YOU'RE GOOD AT DETAILS. 146 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:37,397 RENE, DO YOU RECALL THAT A SHORT TIME AGO 147 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:40,900 YOU STUFFED A MILLION FRANCS DOWN MY TROUSERS? 148 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:45,405 IT IS NOT A THING ONE WOULD EASILY FORGET. 149 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:50,410 IT WOULD APPEAR THAT 25,000 FRANCS ARE MISSING, 150 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,912 AND SOME OF THIS MONEY HAS BEEN TRACED 151 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:54,914 TO THE UNDERTAKER MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 152 00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:58,417 HE IS NOW IN THE HANDS OF HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO. 153 00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,919 UNDER INTERROGATION, 154 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,421 HE MAY REVEAL WHERE THE MONEY CAME FROM 155 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,424 AND IT COULD, PERHAPS, BE TRACED TO YOU. 156 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,927 YOU, UNDER INTERROGATION, 157 00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:10,930 MAY REVEAL THAT YOU PUT IT DOWN MY TROUSERS. 158 00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:13,933 I WILL TRY VERY HARD TO NOT REVEAL THAT. 159 00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:15,935 WE CANNOT TAKE THAT CHANCE. 160 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,436 BUT WHAT CAN WE DO? 161 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,938 WE MUST STOP THE ROT NOW, 162 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:21,941 BEFORE THE UNDERTAKER IMPLICATES YOU. 163 00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,442 HE MUST BE SILENCED. 164 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,944 BUT HOW CAN WE DO THIS? 165 00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:27,947 THE COLONEL HAS A PLAN AND THESE ARE YOUR ORDERS: 166 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:31,951 YOU MUST GET YOUR WIFE TO MAKE A SMALL PASTY, 167 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:35,454 INTO WHICH YOU WILL PUT THIS SUICIDE PILL. 168 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,458 YOU WILL CHUCK IT THROUGH THE BARS OF HIS CELL, 169 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,460 HE WILL GOBBLE IT UP AND THAT WILL BE THE END OF IT. 170 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,462 COLONEL, I COULD NOT DO THAT-- 171 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:43,963 HE IS A FRIEND OF MINE. 172 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:46,966 IN THAT CASE, THERE IS ANOTHER WAY TO STOP THE ROT-- 173 00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:49,969 YOU TAKE THE PILL... NOW. 174 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,473 EXCUSE ME, I CANNOT BEAR TO WATCH. 175 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,476 YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO WATCH, LIEUTENANT. 176 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,977 I HARDLY KNOW THE UNDERTAKER-- 177 00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:00,479 I AM SURE HE WILL BE HAPPY TO DIE FOR FRANCE. 178 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,481 HE IS VERY OLD, ANYWAY. 179 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,983 YOUR FIRST PLAN WAS THE BEST. 180 00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,486 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, 181 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,489 YOU WOULD BE WELL ADVISED TO TALK TO ME 182 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,491 BEFORE HERR FLICK RETURNS. 183 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,993 I HAVE TOLD YOU ALL I KNOW, MONSIEUR. 184 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:19,499 I AM JUST A POOR, HONEST UNDERTAKER 185 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:22,502 AND PROPRIETOR OF THE HAIRDRESSING ESTABLISHMENT. 186 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:28,007 ONE OF MY CUSTOMERS MUST HAVE PASSED TO ME THE MONEY. 187 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:30,509 WHICH ONE IT WAS, I KNOW NOT. 188 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:31,511 THIS IS NOT-- 189 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,513 OOOHH! 190 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,518 HERR FLICK INSTRUCTED ME 191 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,019 TO DEAL WITH THE PRISONER. 192 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:41,520 IN WHAT WAY? 193 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,523 YOU HAVE HEARD ABOUT THE VELVET GLOVE? 194 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,524 YES I HAVE, 195 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,026 BUT WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO WITH IT? 196 00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:49,028 LEAVE US. 197 00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:51,530 I WILL WAIT IN MY CUPBOARD. 198 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,537 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 199 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,540 I AM COMPLETELY AT YOUR MERCY, 200 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,542 BUT I MUST TELL YOU, 201 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,544 IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN A VELVET GLOVE 202 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,546 TO BREAK DOWN MY RESOLUTION... 203 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,048 I THINK. 204 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,552 I WISH TO HELP YOU. 205 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,555 I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION ONE QUARTER OF THIS MONEY. 206 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,556 IF HERR FLICK FINDS OUT, 207 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:19,058 I WILL BE IN THAT CHAIR INSTEAD OF YOU. 208 00:09:19,058 --> 00:09:21,060 I AM HERE TO HELP YOU ESCAPE. 209 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:24,063 HOW DO I KNOW THIS IS NOT SOME GESTAPO SUBTERFUGE? 210 00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:26,565 I HAVE WITH ME THE MONEY. 211 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:29,068 I SHALL RECOGNIZE IT. 212 00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:30,569 IT IS IN BIG ONES. 213 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,577 THOSE ARE THE BIG ONES. 214 00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:41,580 I HAVE ALSO THE BLADE OF A HACKSAW. 215 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,090 BLACK SUSPENDERS. 216 00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:54,593 OH MY DICKY TICKER. 217 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,099 WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? 218 00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:02,601 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK. 219 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,105 HE MUST NOT DIE AND TAKE WITH HIM THE SECRET. 220 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,606 WE MUST PUT HIM IN HOSPITAL. 221 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:08,608 SEND FOR THE AMBULANCE. 222 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,609 OH MY GOD! 223 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,614 OH, BLACK SUSPENDERS. 224 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,785 GOOD EVENING, JACQUES. GOOD EVENING, GILLES. 225 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,291 WHERE ARE THE STAFF? 226 00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:27,293 EDITH, WHERE ARE YOU? 227 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,296 WE ARE OPEN! MIMI? YVETTE? 228 00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:33,799 I AM SORRY, RENE. 229 00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:36,301 I WAS JUST FEEDING THE BABY DUCKS THEIR SUPPER. 230 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,304 HAVE YOU MADE THE PASTY WITH THE POISON PILL? 231 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:39,805 I HAVE IT HERE. 232 00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,807 GOOD MOANING. 233 00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:44,309 OH MY GOD. 234 00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:46,812 GOOD EVENING, OFFICER OF THE LAW. 235 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,814 WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU? 236 00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:50,816 I WAS WICKING ALONG THE STROOT 237 00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:53,819 AND SUDDENLY I LOOKED AT MY WATCH AND SAW THE TOMB. 238 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:58,324 "GOOD GROCIOUS," I SAHD TO MYSELF, 239 00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,825 "I SHOULD BE SPOKING 240 00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:02,828 TO MY OPPOSITE NIMBER IN LONDON ON THE ROODIO." 241 00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:06,331 LOOK, IT IS A QUITTER PAST SOX. 242 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:07,833 HE IS QUITE RIGHT. 243 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:08,834 COME ON. 244 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:21,347 AARGH! 245 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,352 A POLICEMAN, GOOD. 246 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:30,856 SOME VILLAIN HAS STOLEN FROM ME MY EAR TRUMPET. 247 00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:34,359 IT HAS NOT BEEN REPOTTED TO MOO. 248 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,861 WHAT? 249 00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:38,864 EDITH HAS IT. 250 00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:42,367 EDITH, GIVE THIS OLD BAT HER EAR TRUMPET. 251 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,370 I AM SORRY, MAMMA. HERE IT IS. 252 00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:47,373 AND WHERE IS MY SUPPER? 253 00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:48,874 LATER, MAMMA, LATER. 254 00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,375 QUICK, THE RADIO! 255 00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:02,387 I WILL SPOOK TO MY SECRET HEADQUITTERS. 256 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:05,391 DO THEY SPOOK IN ENGLISH OR FRONCH? 257 00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,393 WE SPEAK IN FRONCH. 258 00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:12,898 'ALLO, 'ALLO. SECRET AGENT CRABTREE COOLING. 259 00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:16,902 CONNOCT ME TO WOMBLEDON ONE SOX, ONE SOX. 260 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:22,408 Man: Receiving you lewd and clore. 261 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:26,912 Hold the loon-- 262 00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,914 I will connoct you. 263 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:33,919 MY GOD, THERE IS ANOTHER ONE AT THE OTHER END. 264 00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:36,922 ( telephone rings ) 265 00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:38,423 Woman: 'Allo? 266 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:41,427 IS THAT WOMBLEDON ONE SOX, ONE SOX? 267 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:44,430 Oh no, I think you've got the wrong number, love. 268 00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:48,433 This is MacFisheries... 269 00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:49,435 and we're shut. 270 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:54,940 BIGGER-- THAT WAS THE WRONG NIMBER. 271 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:57,943 I WILL HAVE TO CHOCK IT IN MY ADDRESS BIKE. 272 00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:03,949 ( Fanny groans ) 273 00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:04,950 EDITH! 274 00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,451 EDITH! 275 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:09,955 WHY IS THERE SOUP IN MY EAR TRUMPET? 276 00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:12,457 GIVE IT TO ME. 277 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,961 - ( blows ) - Edith: RENE! 278 00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:17,963 YOU HAVE BLOWN OLD CARROT 279 00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:19,464 ALL OVER THE CLEAN BEDSPREAD! 280 00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:21,967 MICHELLE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 281 00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,468 UNDER INTERROGATION, 282 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,970 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS HAD AN HEART ATTACK-- 283 00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,471 HIS DICKY TICKER. 284 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:27,973 HE HAS BEEN TAKEN BY AMBULANCE 285 00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:30,475 TO THE GERMAN WING OF NOUVION GENERAL HOSPITAL. 286 00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:32,478 OH, THAT IS TERRIBLE. 287 00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:34,480 HE HAS NOT YET SIGNED THE NEW WILL 288 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:35,981 LEAVING EVERYTHING TO ME. 289 00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:38,483 WE MUST GET TO HIM BEFORE HE CAN REVEAL 290 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,486 THAT HE OBTAINED THE STOLEN MONEY 291 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:41,987 FROM THE HAIRDRESSERS. 292 00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:44,489 HAD YOU NOT BEEN TARTING YOURSELF UP WITH PERMANENT WAVE, 293 00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:45,991 WE WOULD NOT BE IN THIS MESS. 294 00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:48,493 YOU TRY SITTING IN A STEAMY SEWER, 295 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:50,996 WAITING TO THROW A BOMB AT A PASSING TANK. 296 00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:52,998 YOUR HAIR WOULD GO STRAIGHT. 297 00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:56,001 I HAVE A PLAN TO RESCUE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 298 00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,003 LOOK, MAMMA IS EATING THE PASTY! 299 00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,505 - OH MY GOD! - SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT! 300 00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:01,507 Michelle: WHY ALL THE FUSS? 301 00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:02,508 WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT? 302 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,510 IT CONTAINS A SUICIDE PILL 303 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:07,012 TO PREVENT HIM BEING INTERROGATED BY THE GESTAPO. 304 00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:10,015 GESTAPO, GESTAPO. 305 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,022 THANK HEAVENS, 306 00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:20,025 IT IS INTACT. 307 00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:23,528 LUCKY SHE WAS NOT WEARING HER TEETH. 308 00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:26,031 YOU WERE SAYING, MICHELLE? 309 00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:27,532 WE MUST GET INTO THE HOSPITAL 310 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,034 TO RESCUE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 311 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:31,536 TO DO THIS, WE WILL DISGUISE OURSELVES 312 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,038 AS AMBULANCE WORKERS. 313 00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:36,541 WE WILL HAVE A TROLLEY WITH A FALSE BOTTOM. 314 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:37,543 IN THE FALSE BOTTOM WILL BE 315 00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,545 A DUMMY OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE 316 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,046 WEARING PAJAMAS. 317 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:42,547 ON THE TOP OF THE TROLLEY, 318 00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,550 WILL BE AN EMERGENCY CASE. 319 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,052 WE WILL LOCATE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, 320 00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:49,054 EXCHANGE HIM FOR THE DUMMY, 321 00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:51,056 AND THEN, OUR EMERGENCY PATIENT 322 00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:53,558 WILL DEMAND A SECOND OPINION IN ANOTHER HOSPITAL, 323 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,561 AND WE WILL PUSH THEM BOTH OUT. 324 00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,563 WHO WILL BE THE EMERGENCY PATIENT? 325 00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:58,564 YOU. 326 00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,566 ME? 327 00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,067 WITH FOOD POISONING. 328 00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,068 OH, NO, NO. 329 00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:06,071 NOT A CAFE OWNER WITH FOOD POISONING. 330 00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,572 IT WILL RUIN MY BUSINESS! 331 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,575 HOW DO YOU FANCY A HERNIA? 332 00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,577 ALL RIGHT, 333 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,579 FOOD POISONING IT IS. 334 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:20,586 HELGA, ARE YOU QUITE CERTAIN 335 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:23,088 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS NOT SPILT THE BEANS? 336 00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:25,090 HE WAS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL 337 00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:26,591 BEFORE HERR FLICK COULD QUESTION HIM. 338 00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,594 YOU NO TELL ME THAT DOUGH 339 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,595 BELONG TO THE GESTAPO. 340 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,096 YOU GET ME IN HOT WATER. 341 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:33,598 YOU SHOULDN'T BE SO DAMNED GREEDY. 342 00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,100 COLONEL, IT IS MY UNDERSTANDING 343 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,601 THAT HELGA HAS A PLAN. 344 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,103 BRAINS AND BEAUTY, 345 00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:39,104 WHAT A COMBINATION. 346 00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:41,606 SHUT UP. 347 00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:45,610 WE MUST RESCUE HIM OR ELIMINATE HIM. 348 00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,613 WHAT IS THE ELIMINATION PLAN? 349 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:51,116 AN EXPLODING BEDPAN. 350 00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:54,619 THAT APPEALS TO ME. 351 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,622 EXCUSE ME FOR ASKING, 352 00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:58,123 BUT HOW IS IT ACTIVATED? 353 00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:00,125 BY REMOTE CONTROL. 354 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:02,627 HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN THE BEDPAN IS, 355 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,130 AS IT WERE, IN POSITION? 356 00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:07,632 IN IT, THERE IS A MICROPHONE. 357 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,635 WE WILL HEAR THE VOICE OF THE NURSE 358 00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:11,637 WHEN SHE GIVES IT TO HIM. 359 00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:14,139 IF I MARRY THIS LADY, 360 00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:15,640 I HAVE A VERY EXCITING LIFE, 361 00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,643 BUT I DON'T GO TO THE BATHROOM. 362 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:25,150 ( heart monitor beeping ) 363 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:29,154 HOW YOU FEELING, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE? 364 00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:31,656 THE THOUGHT OF RETURNING 365 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:33,158 TO THE GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS 366 00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:35,160 HAS MADE ME JUST A LITTLE TENSE. 367 00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:39,665 - KEEP CALM. - ( beeping speeds up ) 368 00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,667 YOUR HEART IS DOING VERY WELL. 369 00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:04,689 WAIT HERE. 370 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,191 I WILL TRY AND FIND OUT 371 00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:08,693 WHICH ROOM MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS IN. 372 00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:11,697 WHAT IS THIS IDIOT DOING HERE? 373 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,699 IT IS A GOOD DISGEESE. 374 00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:16,702 I CAN WICK ANYWHERE IN THE HOSPITAL 375 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,705 WITHOUT AREESING SISPOOCION. 376 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:23,208 ALL THEY CAN SEE IS MY EEBREWS. 377 00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:24,709 I HAVE ONE DUMMY UNDER THE TROLLEY, 378 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,211 AND ANOTHER ONE PUSHING IT. 379 00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:28,213 IF WE ARE IN TROUBLE, 380 00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:29,214 WE WILL FIGHT OUR WAY OUT. 381 00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:31,216 ( whispering ) I HAVE THE KNIFE. 382 00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:33,218 WHERE IS THE GUN? 383 00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:38,723 AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE, 384 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,226 I WILL GRAB IT. 385 00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:42,727 GIVE IT TO ME. 386 00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,734 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 387 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:51,737 AH, MADAME EDITH. 388 00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:53,238 ( beeping very fast ) 389 00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:54,239 JUST THE SIGHT OF YOU 390 00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:58,243 HAS ACTIVATED MY MACHINERY. 391 00:17:58,243 --> 00:17:59,744 WE HAVE COME TO RESCUE YOU. 392 00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:01,747 NOW, KEEP CALM 393 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:02,748 AND DO AS YOU ARE TOLD. 394 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,250 I AM ENTIRELY IN YOUR HANDS, MADAME. 395 00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:06,751 ( beeping extremely fast ) 396 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:09,254 ONCE AGAIN, MY IMAGINATION RUNS RIOT. 397 00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:14,259 QUICK, HE IS IN HERE. 398 00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:25,770 REMOVE THE WIRES FROM HIS CHEST. 399 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:29,274 IT IS ATTACHED TO ME BY STRONG HOSPITAL TAPE. 400 00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:30,775 IT WILL BE OVER VERY QUOCKLY 401 00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:33,278 IF YOU GIVE HIM ONE STRONG PILL. 402 00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:34,779 I AM READY. 403 00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:37,782 GAH! 404 00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,285 AAH! 405 00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:44,289 WE WILL HOLD HIM DOWN WHILE YOU PULL. 406 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:51,797 AAH! 407 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:54,800 AAH! 408 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,302 NEVER MIND. GET HIM ONTO THE TROLLEY, 409 00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:58,803 WE'LL TAKE THE MACHINE WITH US. 410 00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:13,318 COLONEL, THE COAST IS CLEAR. 411 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:25,330 MAKE CERTAIN WE ARE IN COMMUNICATION WITH HELGA. 412 00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:27,832 BEDPAN TO CONTROL, 413 00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,335 BEDPAN TO CONTROL. 414 00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:32,837 Helga: Hello, Bedpan, 415 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,840 hello, Bedpan. 416 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,842 Control here. 417 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,844 WE ARE RECEIVING YOU. 418 00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:40,846 WE ARE READY TO ACTIVATE. 419 00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:43,348 SHALL I PRESS THE PLUNGER? 420 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:45,350 NOT UNTIL YOU HEAR THE AGREED SIGNAL. 421 00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,352 TELL ME AGAIN THE AGREED SIGNAL. 422 00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:48,853 A VOICE WILL SAY, 423 00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:50,856 "HERE IS THE BEDPAN." 424 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:53,358 YOU COUNT TO 10, AND THEN YOU PLUNGE. 425 00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:56,861 10 AND THEN PLUNGE. 426 00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:58,864 WHAT IS YOUR POSITION? 427 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:01,366 WE ARE INSIDE THE HOSPITAL, 428 00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:04,369 PROCEEDING TO THE SECOND FLOOR. 429 00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:06,371 WE ARE INSIDE THE HOS-- 430 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,875 WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO YOUR BEDPAN? 431 00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:12,377 SHE'S PSYCHIC, 432 00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:14,879 A PATIENT OF HERS DIED ON IT. 433 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,884 IS THERE ANYBODY THERE? 434 00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,887 IS THERE ANYBODY THERE? 435 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,889 KNOCK ONCE FOR YES, 436 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,390 TWICE FOR NO. 437 00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:26,391 ( knocks once ) 438 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,899 Edith: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE? 439 00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:35,901 AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED. 440 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:37,903 WHAT ABOUT ME? NOBODY ASKS 441 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:38,904 IF I AM ALL RIGHT. 442 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,405 SHUT UP. 443 00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:41,906 QUICK, THROUGH THE DOOR. 444 00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:53,919 - WAIT! - WHAT? 445 00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,921 WE MUST COVER THE DUMMY. 446 00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:04,429 MY GOD, THERE IS A GERMAN SOLDIER COMING. 447 00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:06,431 DO NOT GIVE ME AWAY, MONSIEUR. 448 00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:07,432 ( monitor beeping very fast ) 449 00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:11,436 BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! 450 00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:12,937 BEEP BEEP BEEP... 451 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,441 - ( flatulent sound ) - BEEEEEP. 452 00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:18,443 BEEP BEEP BEEP... 453 00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:23,948 AH! 454 00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:27,452 WHERE IS THE FRENCH PEASANT WOMAN? 455 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:29,454 I AM READY TO PERFORM THE CAESAREAN. 456 00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:31,456 SHE IS WAITING HERE, DOCTOR. 457 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:35,460 BRING HER IN. 458 00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:45,970 THERE, THAT IS BETTER. 459 00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:48,473 QUICK, WE MUST GET THE TROLLEY AND SCARPER. 460 00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:53,979 IT IS GONE. 461 00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:55,981 HOW CAN IT BE GONE? 462 00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:56,982 I KNOW RENE. 463 00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:59,484 HE WILL HAVE WHEELED IT OUT HIMSELF. 464 00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:02,987 THE GUARDS! 465 00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:04,990 LET US GAY OUT THE BACK WEE. 466 00:22:14,499 --> 00:22:15,500 HIS NAME IS ON THE DOOR. 467 00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:17,001 HE WILL BE IN HERE. 468 00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:19,004 I WILL POSITION THE DEVICE. 469 00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:21,006 HERE IS THE BEDPAN. 470 00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:22,507 THAT IS THE SIGNAL. 471 00:22:22,507 --> 00:22:26,010 10, NINE, EIGHT-- 472 00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:28,013 STOP, STOP, FALSE ALARM. 473 00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:30,015 I WAS HANDING IT TO THE COLONEL. 474 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:31,516 GRUBER, YOU FOOL. 475 00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:33,017 YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME. 476 00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:34,519 ONLY TAKE YOUR ORDERS 477 00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:36,020 WHEN YOU HEAR ME SPEAK. 478 00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:37,522 Helga: Yes, Colonel. 479 00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:39,524 RIGHT. WE WILL SHOVE IT UNDER, 480 00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:42,026 AND WE WILL RUN. 481 00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:44,529 HERE IS THE BEDPAN. 482 00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:48,533 Both: FOUR, THREE, 483 00:22:48,533 --> 00:22:51,035 TWO, ONE, 484 00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:52,037 PLUNGE! 485 00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:54,039 ( explosion ) 486 00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:57,542 THE R.A.F. ARE BOMBING US! 487 00:22:57,542 --> 00:22:58,543 INTO THE SHELTERS! 488 00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:06,551 ( coughing ) 489 00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:10,555 OH MY GOD, 490 00:23:10,555 --> 00:23:12,557 MY DICKY TICKER. 491 00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:18,563 ( theme music playing )