1 00:00:03,570 --> 00:00:06,573 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:26,593 --> 00:00:28,595 IT IS POSSIBLE THAT YOU ARE WONDERING 3 00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:30,597 WHY MY WIFE-- FOR THAT IS SHE-- 4 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,604 IS MOPPING THE FLOOR WITH A BUCKET ON HER HEAD? 5 00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:39,606 IT IS BECAUSE SHE IS ON THE HIT LIST 6 00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:41,608 OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE, 7 00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:44,110 BECAUSE SHE SCREWED UP MY WEDDING TO THEIR LEADER, 8 00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:46,612 A DELECTABLE DISH CALLED DENISE LAROQUE. 9 00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:49,115 POOR THING, SHE IS A BUNDLE OF NERVES. 10 00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:51,117 WATCH. 11 00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:53,620 AAARGHHH! 12 00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:56,122 WHERE ARE THEY, WHERE ARE THEY? 13 00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:58,124 EDITH, EDITH, 14 00:00:58,124 --> 00:00:59,625 CALM DOWN. 15 00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:02,629 I DID THAT TO SHOW HOW IDIOTIC IS YOUR BEHAVIOR. 16 00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:04,631 IF THEY ARE DETERMINED TO GET YOU, 17 00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,633 THEY WILL FIND YOU WHEREVER YOU ARE. 18 00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:08,134 SO WHY NOT PUT ON A BRAVE FACE-- 19 00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:11,637 PREFERABLY WITH A BIT OF MAKEUP AND WITHOUT THOSE CURLERS. 20 00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:14,641 YOU ARE RIGHT, RENE. 21 00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:16,643 I MUST PULL MYSELF TOGETHER. 22 00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:19,646 OH, YOU ARE SO STRONG. 23 00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:22,148 HOLD ME IN YOUR ARMS. KISS ME. 24 00:01:22,148 --> 00:01:24,650 POUR YOUR STRENGTH INTO MY BODY. 25 00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:32,158 ON SECOND THOUGHTS, EDITH, 26 00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:33,659 PERHAPS YOU HAD BETTER PUT THE BUCKET BACK ON. 27 00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:38,164 MICHELLE FROM THE RESISTANCE IS IN THE BACK ROOM. 28 00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:39,665 SHE WISHES TO SPEAK WITH YOU URGENTLY. 29 00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,167 OH HECK. 30 00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:44,170 YOU TELL ME ONE OCCASION WHEN IT WAS NOT URGENT. 31 00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:48,174 ( door slams; all shriek ) 32 00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:51,177 WHAT IS IT NOW?! 33 00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:52,678 TIME IS VERY SHORT. 34 00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:54,681 LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY, 35 00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:56,683 I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE. 36 00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:59,686 THE GERMAN GENERALS ARE MEETING IN THE CHATEAU TOMORROW. 37 00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:02,188 THEY WILL BE PLANNING THE INVASION OF ENGLAND. 38 00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:05,191 WE WILL TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE MAPS. 39 00:02:05,191 --> 00:02:07,193 OF COURSE. AND AS SOON AS YOU HAVE THEM, 40 00:02:07,193 --> 00:02:09,195 GIVE THEM TO MY WIFE. SHE WILL ATTACH THEM 41 00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:12,698 TO THE LEG OF THE LONG DISTANCE DUCK, 42 00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:14,701 AND THE DUCK WILL FLY THEM ALL THE WAY TO ENGLAND. 43 00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,703 WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE? 44 00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:18,705 YOU WILL BE DOING THE CATERING. 45 00:02:18,705 --> 00:02:20,707 YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN A POSITION TO TAKE THE PHOTOGRAPH. 46 00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:22,709 MICHELLE, YOU HAVE BEEN OVERWORKING. 47 00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,711 WHY DO YOU NOT TAKE A HOLIDAY? 48 00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:26,212 IF THEY SEE RENE WITH A CAMERA, 49 00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:27,713 THEY WILL SHOOT HIM. 50 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:30,216 SHE HAS TAKEN THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH. 51 00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:31,717 YOU SEE, EVEN THIS SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL 52 00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,219 KNOWS THE DANGER I WILL BE IN. 53 00:02:33,219 --> 00:02:34,720 THERE WILL BE NO DANGER. 54 00:02:34,721 --> 00:02:37,223 WE HAVE DEVISED A SPECIAL APPARATUS, 55 00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:38,724 WHICH WILL NOT BE VISIBLE. 56 00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:40,727 ( whistles ) 57 00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:46,733 MIMI, GIVE RENE THE SPECIAL APPARATUS. 58 00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,735 OH, YES, THIS WILL NOT BE VISIBLE. 59 00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:53,740 LET ME GUESS, THIS PARCEL CONTAINS 60 00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:56,242 A PHOTOGRAPHIC CHRISTMAS PUDDING? 61 00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:58,244 DO NOT BE RIDICULOUS. 62 00:02:58,244 --> 00:02:59,745 AND DO NOT MAKE JOKES. 63 00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:01,748 THE WHOLE FUTURE OF CIVILIZATION 64 00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:03,750 AS WE KNOW IT MAY WELL DEPEND 65 00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:06,252 ON THE SUCCESS OF THIS DEVICE. TURN AROUND. 66 00:03:06,252 --> 00:03:07,753 WHAT IS GOING ON? 67 00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:09,756 PUT OUT YOUR RIGHT ARM. 68 00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:13,759 Michelle: THAT IS IT. 69 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,261 TURN ROUND. 70 00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:22,268 CONCEALED BENEATH THE APRON OF THIS GARMENT 71 00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:24,270 IS A CAMERA. 72 00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:30,276 YOU WILL NOTICE THAT THE LEFT ARM IS FALSE. 73 00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:32,778 THIS LEAVES YOUR LEFT HAND FREE 74 00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,781 TO OPERATE THE APPARATUS 75 00:03:34,781 --> 00:03:36,783 UNDER THE APRON. 76 00:03:37,784 --> 00:03:39,786 WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO OPERATE? 77 00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:43,790 FEEL AROUND AND YOU WILL FIND A-- 78 00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:47,793 YOU WILL FIND A LITTLE KNOB. 79 00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:51,797 HAVE YOU GOT IT? 80 00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,803 I THINK SO, YES. 81 00:03:58,304 --> 00:03:59,305 PULL IT. 82 00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:09,815 RENE, WITH THIS, 83 00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:11,818 YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SAVE THE WORLD. 84 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:15,822 I AM SPEECHLESS! 85 00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:17,824 DO YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECT ME TO GO 86 00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:19,826 AND STAND IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE GENERALS 87 00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,327 WITH MY HAND ON MY HIP DOING THIS? 88 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:26,832 YOU MUST CHOOSE YOUR MOMENT. 89 00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,836 YOUR WIFE AND YOUR WAITRESSES WILL BE THERE. 90 00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:32,338 YOUR WIFE WILL PUT INTO HER MOUTH 91 00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:33,839 THIS PILL. 92 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,341 THEN SHE WILL FALL TO THE FLOOR. 93 00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:37,843 I AM NOT COMMITTING SUICIDE 94 00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:40,847 JUST SO HE CAN PHOTOGRAPH THE PLANS OF THE INVASION! 95 00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,849 IT IS MERELY TO MAKE YOU FOAM AT THE MOUTH. 96 00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:44,350 ONCE ON THE FLOOR, 97 00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:46,352 YOU WILL PRETEND TO HAVE A FIT. 98 00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:48,354 THIS WILL CAUSE A DISTRACTION. 99 00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:50,356 WHEN THE EYES OF THE GENERALS ARE DIVERTED, 100 00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:51,857 YOU, RENE, WILL TAKE THE PHOTOGRAPH. 101 00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:53,860 THIS WHOLE IDEA IS ABSURD. 102 00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,862 JUST LOOK AT THIS HAND. 103 00:04:57,363 --> 00:04:58,864 IT IS VERY REALISTIC. 104 00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:00,867 BUT IT DOES NOT MOVE! 105 00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,369 WHY IS IT YOU ALWAYS KNOCK 106 00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:05,371 THE EFFORTS OF THE RESISTANCE? 107 00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:08,374 THIS WAS MADE BY THE BEST RUBBER-HAND MAKER IN PARIS. 108 00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:11,877 IT WAS SMUGGLED UNDER THE SKIRT OF A NUN, 109 00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:13,379 WHO CYCLED ALL THE WAY HERE, 110 00:05:13,379 --> 00:05:16,382 AT GREAT PERSONAL INCONVENIENCE. 111 00:05:16,382 --> 00:05:19,385 IT WOULD NOT FOOL A THREE-YEAR-OLD. 112 00:05:19,385 --> 00:05:21,387 GO INTO YOUR CAFE. WALK ABOUT. 113 00:05:21,387 --> 00:05:23,389 IF ANYONE NOTICES IT IS NOT REAL, 114 00:05:23,389 --> 00:05:25,391 THEN I WILL CANCEL THE WHOLE OPERATION. 115 00:05:25,391 --> 00:05:26,392 DONE! 116 00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:38,905 GOOD MORNING, COLONEL. 117 00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:40,406 GOOD MORNING, RENE. COFFEE PLEASE. 118 00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:45,411 DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME, COLONEL? 119 00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:49,415 YES... GETTING THIN ON TOP. 120 00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:52,919 THANK YOU, COLONEL. 121 00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:54,921 THERE! WHAT DID SHE TELL YOU. 122 00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:56,923 NOBODY NOTICED ANYTHING. 123 00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:58,424 HERE IS THE TEST. 124 00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:00,926 - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - LIEUTENANT GRUBER, 125 00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:03,429 THE ONE WHO FANCIES YOU. 126 00:06:03,429 --> 00:06:06,432 HE NOTICES EVERYTHING. 127 00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:09,435 GOOD MORNING, LIEUTENANT. 128 00:06:09,435 --> 00:06:10,936 GOOD MORNING, RENE. 129 00:06:19,412 --> 00:06:20,413 HERR FLICK, 130 00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:22,915 HELGA IS HERE AS YOU ORDERED. 131 00:06:22,915 --> 00:06:23,916 TELL HER TO COME IN. 132 00:06:26,419 --> 00:06:27,420 YOU SENT FOR ME? 133 00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:28,921 I DID. 134 00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:30,422 MY, MY, YOU LOOK MOST HANDSOME. 135 00:06:30,423 --> 00:06:32,925 IN THIS UNIFORM, I AM TO BE MARRIED. 136 00:06:32,925 --> 00:06:34,426 WHO IS THE LUCKY GIRL? 137 00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:36,929 YOU. TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES. 138 00:06:38,931 --> 00:06:40,432 THE DRESSMAKER HAS PREPARED FOR YOU 139 00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:42,435 AN APPROPRIATE WEDDING DRESS. 140 00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:43,436 VON SMALLHAUSEN? 141 00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:46,439 INSTEAD OF GAWPING, GO AND GET THE TAILOR. 142 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:47,940 AT ONCE, HERR FLICK. 143 00:06:49,442 --> 00:06:51,444 WHY ARE YOU LATE? 144 00:06:51,444 --> 00:06:53,446 - WELL, HERR FLICK-- - CONTINUE TO TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES! 145 00:06:53,446 --> 00:06:54,947 YES, HERR FLICK. 146 00:06:54,947 --> 00:06:57,950 GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN MADE ME TYPE OUT THE AGENDA 147 00:06:57,950 --> 00:06:59,952 FOR THE MEETING OF THE GENERALS AT THE CHATEAU, 148 00:06:59,952 --> 00:07:02,454 ON WHICH OCCASION, THEY WILL BE PLANNING THE INVASION. 149 00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:04,457 IT IS MY OPINION THAT THEY ARE PLANNING 150 00:07:04,457 --> 00:07:06,459 THE ASSASSINATION OF HITLER. 151 00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,461 I SHALL MAKE IT MY BUSINESS TO BE THERE. 152 00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:10,963 Smallhausen: HERR FLICK, THE TAILOR. 153 00:07:13,466 --> 00:07:14,967 HAVE YOU COMPLETED THE WEDDING DRESS? 154 00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:16,969 EXACTLY AS YOU ORDERED, HERR FLICK. 155 00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:18,470 THEN CLOTHE THE BRIDE. 156 00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:19,972 YES, HERR FLICK. 157 00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:22,975 HERR FLICK, 158 00:07:22,975 --> 00:07:24,476 A BLACK LEATHER WEDDING DRESS? 159 00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:26,979 WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? WHITE LEATHER? 160 00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:39,491 NOW GO AWAY! 161 00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:46,999 GOOD. 162 00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:49,501 MMM, IT HUGS THE FIGURE. 163 00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:52,004 WILL I NOT CREAK WALKING DOWN THE AISLE? 164 00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:54,506 YOU WILL BE WELL OILED. 165 00:07:56,008 --> 00:07:57,509 DO I HAVE A VEIL? 166 00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:59,512 OF COURSE. SHALL I PLACE IT UPON YOU? 167 00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:01,514 THAT WOULD BE MOST ROMANTIC. 168 00:08:07,019 --> 00:08:10,022 EDITH... YVETTE! 169 00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:13,025 MIMI! AARGHH! 170 00:08:13,025 --> 00:08:15,527 DOES NO ONE PAY ATTENTION 171 00:08:15,528 --> 00:08:18,531 TO AN OLD WOMAN WHO CRIES?! 172 00:08:18,531 --> 00:08:20,533 MAMMA! 173 00:08:20,533 --> 00:08:22,034 I HAVE FOR YOU A VISITOR. 174 00:08:22,034 --> 00:08:24,036 A GENTLEMAN. 175 00:08:24,036 --> 00:08:25,537 OH! 176 00:08:25,538 --> 00:08:27,039 DEAR MADAME FANNY, 177 00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:30,543 I BRING FLOWERS 178 00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:32,545 TO THE BEAUTIFUL MOTHER OF THE LADY I LOVE. 179 00:08:32,545 --> 00:08:34,046 OH, THEY HAVE THE MOST 180 00:08:34,046 --> 00:08:36,548 EXOTIC EASTERN AROMA. 181 00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:39,552 EWWW! 182 00:08:39,552 --> 00:08:42,555 IT IS EMBALMING FLUID. 183 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:49,061 THE FLASHING KNOBS! 184 00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:51,563 WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS UNUSUAL PHENOMENON? 185 00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:54,567 LONDON IS CALLING US ON THE SECRET RADIO. 186 00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:56,068 HELP US TO LIFT THE BED. 187 00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:58,070 ALAS, MADAME, I CANNOT. 188 00:08:58,070 --> 00:09:00,072 NOT ONLY DO I HAVE THE DICKY TICKER, 189 00:09:00,072 --> 00:09:02,074 BUT I HAVE ALSO... 190 00:09:05,077 --> 00:09:07,079 THE TRICKY TRUSS. 191 00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:10,583 RENE, THE RADIO! 192 00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:12,585 THEY'RE A MINUTE EARLY, QUICK, HELP ME. 193 00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:15,087 ARGH! 194 00:09:15,087 --> 00:09:17,589 THIS IS THE MOST INGENIOUS CONTRAPTION! 195 00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:20,092 QUICK, GET THE LOUDSPEAKER. IT IS IN THE CHAMBER. 196 00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:26,599 IT IS INCREDIBLE! 197 00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:30,102 IT RESEMBLES EXACTLY AN ORDINARY CHAMBERPOT. 198 00:09:30,102 --> 00:09:31,603 NOT THAT ONE! 199 00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:35,107 MIMI, GET THE CODE BOOK. 200 00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:37,609 'ALLO, 'ALLO, THIS IS NIGHTHAWK CALLING. 201 00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:39,111 NIGHTHAWK CALLING LONDON, 202 00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:41,113 PASS YOUR MESSAGE, PLEASE, OVER. 203 00:09:41,113 --> 00:09:43,115 Here is my message. 204 00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:46,618 We have a moth in the airing cupboard. 205 00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:49,121 We have a moth in the airing cupboard. 206 00:09:49,121 --> 00:09:51,123 Have you any mothballs? 207 00:09:51,123 --> 00:09:53,125 Have you any mothballs? 208 00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:54,626 EXCUSE ME, 209 00:09:54,627 --> 00:09:57,129 I HAVE MOTHBALLS. 210 00:09:57,129 --> 00:09:58,630 WHAT DID YOU SAY? 211 00:09:58,631 --> 00:10:00,633 I HAVE MOTHBALLS. 212 00:10:00,633 --> 00:10:01,634 WHAT DID HE SAY? 213 00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:03,636 IT IS NOT IMPORTANT. 214 00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:06,138 HE SAYS HE HAS MOTHBALLS. 215 00:10:06,138 --> 00:10:08,140 OH, EDITH, 216 00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:10,142 DO NOT JUMP INTO MARRIAGE 217 00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:11,643 TOO QUICKLY WITH THIS MAN. 218 00:10:11,644 --> 00:10:14,146 LOOK, WILL YOU ALL STOP JABBERING? 219 00:10:14,146 --> 00:10:15,647 IT IS IN CODE. 220 00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:16,649 WHAT DOES IT SAY, MIMI? 221 00:10:16,649 --> 00:10:18,651 IT SAYS, "A FRENCH GENERAL, 222 00:10:18,651 --> 00:10:20,152 WHO IS A COLLABORATOR, WILL BE ATTENDING 223 00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:22,154 THE CONFERENCE AT THE CHATEAU. 224 00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:24,156 HE MUST BE ELIMINATED." 225 00:10:24,156 --> 00:10:25,657 WELL, WHAT DO THEY WANT US TO DO ABOUT IT? 226 00:10:25,658 --> 00:10:27,660 - I WILL GO TELL MICHELLE. - YEAH. 227 00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:29,662 'ALLO, LONDON, 'ALLO, LONDON. 228 00:10:29,662 --> 00:10:31,664 WE WILL TELL YOUR STORY 229 00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:34,166 TO LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. OVER AND OUT. 230 00:10:34,166 --> 00:10:37,169 MY GOD, THE BRAVERY OF YOU ALL. 231 00:10:37,169 --> 00:10:39,171 WHAT DOES HE SAY? 232 00:10:39,171 --> 00:10:40,672 IT IS I, LECLERC. 233 00:10:40,673 --> 00:10:43,676 I HAVE SOME VERY BAD NEWS. 234 00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:46,679 I HAVE JUST BEEN TO FEED THE LONG DISTANCE DUCK. 235 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,681 WHAT IS BAD ABOUT THAT? 236 00:10:48,681 --> 00:10:50,683 WHEN I OPENED THE HENHOUSE DOOR-- 237 00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:53,185 PFSSST! HE HAS FLOWN AWAY. 238 00:10:53,185 --> 00:10:56,688 YOU OLD FOOL! CAN YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT? 239 00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:58,190 HE WILL NOT GET FAR. 240 00:10:58,190 --> 00:11:00,192 HE HAS NOT YET HAD HIS LUNCH. 241 00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:01,193 WHERE IS HE NOW? 242 00:11:01,193 --> 00:11:03,195 ( quacking ) 243 00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:07,199 HE IS FLYING ROUND AND ROUND. 244 00:11:07,199 --> 00:11:09,201 HOW DO WE GET HIM DOWN? 245 00:11:09,201 --> 00:11:10,702 - MONSIEUR, - WHAT? 246 00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:12,705 I HAVE DUCK HUNTING EQUIPMENT. 247 00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:14,707 I USED TO STAND IN THE RIVER, 248 00:11:14,707 --> 00:11:17,209 WITH AN ARTIFICIAL DUCK ON MY HEAD. 249 00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:21,713 IN MY TEETH I WOULD HOLD MY DUCK QUACKER. 250 00:11:23,215 --> 00:11:25,717 IN MY TIME, I WAS FAMOUS FOR IT. 251 00:11:26,719 --> 00:11:29,221 I AM NOT SURPRISED. 252 00:11:29,221 --> 00:11:30,722 ( quacking ) 253 00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:32,725 THERE HE GOES AGAIN. 254 00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:34,727 GET YOUR EQUIPMENT. IT IS WORTH TRYING. 255 00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:36,228 IT IS TIME WE WERE OPEN. 256 00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:38,230 HURRY UP AND GET DOWNSTAIRS. EDITH! 257 00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:39,231 OH! 258 00:11:39,231 --> 00:11:40,732 ( kicking cans ) 259 00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,234 AAARGH! 260 00:11:42,234 --> 00:11:44,236 SHUT UP. 261 00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:50,843 OOH, WHAT A LOT OF CUSTOMERS. 262 00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:52,845 IT WAS TIME, SO I OPENED THE CAFE. 263 00:11:52,845 --> 00:11:54,346 WELL DONE, MIMI. 264 00:11:56,348 --> 00:11:57,349 WHO IS THAT, 265 00:11:57,349 --> 00:11:59,351 BY THE WINDOW WITH THE BIG HOOTER? 266 00:12:01,353 --> 00:12:02,854 IT IS A FRENCH GENERAL. 267 00:12:02,855 --> 00:12:05,858 THEY ALL HAVE BIG HOOTERS. 268 00:12:05,858 --> 00:12:07,860 IT MUST BE THE ONE THEY WANT US TO ELIMINATE. 269 00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:09,862 WELL HE IS NOT GOING TO BE ELIMINATED IN MY CAFE. 270 00:12:09,862 --> 00:12:11,363 WE MUST THROW HIM OUT, COME. 271 00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:14,366 NO, YOU CANNOT. SHOW HIM A MENU. 272 00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:20,372 GOOD MORNING, GENERAL. 273 00:12:20,372 --> 00:12:22,374 WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE CAFE. 274 00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:23,375 HERE IS A MENU. 275 00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:25,877 THE PRICES ARE AGAINST EACH ITEM. 276 00:12:33,886 --> 00:12:35,888 YES, I KNOW IT IS EXPENSIVE. 277 00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:40,893 YOU MUST UNDERSTAND IT IS WARTIME, GENERAL. 278 00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:42,394 GENERAL? 279 00:12:43,896 --> 00:12:45,898 IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT GENERAL? 280 00:12:45,898 --> 00:12:48,400 HE'S PROBABLY DEAD. 281 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,902 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "PROBABLY DEAD"? 282 00:12:50,903 --> 00:12:53,405 I PUT A RESISTANCE PILL IN HIS CREME DE MENTHE. 283 00:12:53,405 --> 00:12:55,407 MIMI, 284 00:12:55,407 --> 00:12:57,409 HOW DARE YOU KILL GENERALS IN MY CAFE? 285 00:12:57,409 --> 00:12:59,911 IT MAY BE THAT HE IS ONLY PARALYZED. 286 00:12:59,912 --> 00:13:01,914 THE RESISTANCE GAVE ME SO MANY PILLS, 287 00:13:01,914 --> 00:13:03,916 THAT I GET 'EM MIXED UP. 288 00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:07,419 WE MUST QUICKLY GET HIM INTO THE BACK ROOM. 289 00:13:07,419 --> 00:13:08,920 - YES. - I WILL HELP. 290 00:13:08,921 --> 00:13:10,422 THANK GOD THERE ARE NO GERMANS ABOUT. 291 00:13:10,422 --> 00:13:11,923 THE CUSTOMERS WILL HELP. 292 00:13:11,924 --> 00:13:14,426 LOYAL FRENCHMEN, 293 00:13:14,426 --> 00:13:16,428 YOU SEE BEFORE YOU 294 00:13:16,428 --> 00:13:19,431 THIS DEAD GENERAL, WHO WAS A COLLABORATOR, 295 00:13:19,431 --> 00:13:22,434 WHO HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY OUR BRAVE RESISTANCE 296 00:13:22,434 --> 00:13:24,936 IN THE CAUSE OF FREEDOM, AND TO SAVE THE HONOR 297 00:13:24,937 --> 00:13:26,939 OF OUR BELOVED FRANCE. 298 00:13:26,939 --> 00:13:29,942 WHO WILL HELP ME TO DISPOSE OF THE BODY? 299 00:13:38,951 --> 00:13:40,953 WE ARE ON OUR OWN, YOU KNOW? 300 00:13:40,953 --> 00:13:42,955 THIS IS A ONE-MAN WAR. 301 00:13:44,957 --> 00:13:46,959 GOOD MOANING. 302 00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:50,462 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 303 00:13:50,462 --> 00:13:52,964 I AM TAKING THE BRITISH EARMEN 304 00:13:52,965 --> 00:13:54,967 FOR SOME FRESH OAR. 305 00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:56,468 - HELLO! - HELLO! 306 00:13:56,468 --> 00:13:57,969 DO NOT BRING THEM IN HERE. I HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE. 307 00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:00,973 OKAY, CHAPS, TAKE A POWDER. 308 00:14:00,973 --> 00:14:02,474 CHEERIO! 309 00:14:03,976 --> 00:14:05,477 WHY WERE ALL THOSE PURPLE 310 00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:07,479 RUNNING OUT OF YOUR COFFEE? 311 00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:10,482 FOR ONCE I AM GLAD TO SEE YOU. 312 00:14:10,482 --> 00:14:11,983 THAT IDIOT GIRL 313 00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:13,986 HAS KILLED THIS FRENCH GENERAL. 314 00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:16,488 HE IS DUE AT THE CHATEAU FOR THE CONFERENCE. 315 00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:17,989 WHEN THEY MISS HIM, 316 00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:19,491 THEY WILL COME SEARCHING FOR HIM. 317 00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:21,493 ( moaning ) 318 00:14:24,496 --> 00:14:29,000 I DO NOT THONK THAT HE IS DEED. 319 00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:31,503 IT MUST HAVE BEEN A PARALYZING PILL. 320 00:14:31,503 --> 00:14:33,505 YES! QUICK, HELP ME GET HIM INTO THE CELLAR. 321 00:14:33,505 --> 00:14:34,506 COME. 322 00:14:37,409 --> 00:14:39,411 I SAY, CARSTAIRS, 323 00:14:39,411 --> 00:14:41,413 TWO MEN WITH DUCKS ON THEIR HEADS 324 00:14:41,413 --> 00:14:44,416 HAVE JUST WALKED INTO THE PUBLIC CONVENIENCE. 325 00:14:44,416 --> 00:14:45,917 WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT? 326 00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:49,922 THEY'RE PROBABLY FREEMASONS. 327 00:14:51,423 --> 00:14:53,925 ( duck quacker calling ) 328 00:15:05,437 --> 00:15:06,938 MONSIEUR, 329 00:15:06,939 --> 00:15:08,440 WHY ARE WE QUACKING 330 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:09,941 IN THE PUBLIC CONVENIENCE? 331 00:15:09,942 --> 00:15:12,945 BECAUSE IF THE LONG DISTANCE DUCK 332 00:15:12,945 --> 00:15:15,948 SEES OUR BODIES, HE WILL BE PUT OFF. 333 00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:16,949 THIS WAY, 334 00:15:16,949 --> 00:15:19,451 HE WILL THINK WE ARE TWO LADY DUCKS. 335 00:15:19,451 --> 00:15:22,454 ( both laugh ) 336 00:15:22,454 --> 00:15:24,456 THEN HE WILL FLY DOWN 337 00:15:24,456 --> 00:15:25,957 AND I WILL CAPTURE HIM 338 00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:27,960 WITH THIS. 339 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,962 ( making duck noises ) 340 00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:31,964 ( singing to himself ) 341 00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:41,473 GOOD MORNING! 342 00:15:41,473 --> 00:15:43,475 GOOD MORNING! 343 00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:45,477 EXCUSE THAT I ASK, 344 00:15:45,477 --> 00:15:47,979 BUT WHAT FOR YOU WEAR ON YOUR HEAD A DUCK? 345 00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:49,982 WE ARE TRYING 346 00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:51,984 TO CAPTURE THAT DUCK. 347 00:15:54,486 --> 00:15:56,988 IT IS FOR OUR DINNER. 348 00:15:56,989 --> 00:15:58,490 AH, I SEE. 349 00:15:58,490 --> 00:15:59,991 THAT A PIECE OF CAKE. 350 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,502 HAVE A GOOD DINNER. 351 00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:22,514 MADAME EDITH, 352 00:16:22,514 --> 00:16:25,016 HERE ARE THE PILLS TO MAKE YOU FOAM AT THE MOUTH. 353 00:16:25,017 --> 00:16:27,019 IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TRYING TO DO ALL THIS 354 00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:28,520 WITH ONE HAND, YOU KNOW? 355 00:16:33,525 --> 00:16:35,527 OH MY GOD! 356 00:16:35,527 --> 00:16:38,029 I HAVE LOST MY LITTLE KNOB. 357 00:16:39,031 --> 00:16:41,033 IT MUST HAVE COME UNSCREWED. 358 00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:42,534 NOW I CANNOT USE THE CAMERA. 359 00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:43,535 QUICK. LET US GO HOME. 360 00:16:43,535 --> 00:16:45,537 OH! IT IS HERE, ON THE FLOOR. 361 00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:48,039 I WILL DROP IT DOWN YOUR COLLAR. 362 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,542 CATCH IT AS IT PASSES YOUR NAVEL. 363 00:16:52,544 --> 00:16:54,045 HAVE YOU GOT IT? 364 00:16:54,046 --> 00:16:55,547 YES. 365 00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:57,549 MY HANDS ARE SHAKING SO MUCH, 366 00:16:57,549 --> 00:17:00,051 I CAN HARDLY SCREW IT UP. 367 00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:03,055 I WILL PUT MY HAND IN YOUR POCKET AND HELP YOU. 368 00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:05,057 YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING! 369 00:17:05,057 --> 00:17:07,559 I THINK I HAVE GOT IT. YES. 370 00:17:07,559 --> 00:17:09,561 TRY NOT TO LOOK SUSPICIOUS. 371 00:17:09,561 --> 00:17:12,063 OH, THANK YOU FOR THAT ADVICE. 372 00:17:16,568 --> 00:17:19,571 - IS EVERYTHING IN ORDER? - I BELIEVE SO, GENERAL. 373 00:17:19,571 --> 00:17:22,073 THE PEASANTS FROM THE CAFE HAVE PREPARED THE BUFFET. 374 00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:25,577 SEE THAT THE ASHTRAYS ARE EMPTY, 375 00:17:25,577 --> 00:17:27,579 AND THE GLASSES ARE FILLED. 376 00:17:27,579 --> 00:17:30,081 WHEN YOU COME WITHIN SIX FEET OF THIS TABLE 377 00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:32,584 MAKE SURE THAT YOUR EYES ARE FIXED 378 00:17:32,584 --> 00:17:35,587 FIRMLY ON THE CEILING. 379 00:17:35,587 --> 00:17:37,589 ANYONE CAUGHT SNOOPING AT THE MAP WILL BE SHOT. 380 00:17:37,589 --> 00:17:39,090 DO YOU UNDERSTAND? 381 00:17:39,091 --> 00:17:41,093 - YES, GENERAL. - YES, GENERAL. 382 00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:44,095 YOU WILL TAKE NOTES OF THE MEETING. 383 00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:45,597 I HAVE MY NOTEBOOK AND MY PEN HANDY. 384 00:17:45,597 --> 00:17:47,098 WHEN THE GENERALS ARE ASSEMBLED IN THE ANTEROOM, 385 00:17:47,099 --> 00:17:49,101 - SEND THEM IN. - YES, OF COURSE. 386 00:17:49,101 --> 00:17:50,102 ANNOUNCE THEM AS THEY ENTER. 387 00:17:56,608 --> 00:17:59,611 ACCORDING TO THE MAP THAT YOU HAVE PREPARED, VON SMALLHAUSEN, 388 00:17:59,611 --> 00:18:02,614 WE ARE NOW ABOVE THE CENTER OF THE CONFERENCE CHAMBER. 389 00:18:02,614 --> 00:18:04,616 PASS ME MY BRACE AND BIT. 390 00:18:04,616 --> 00:18:06,117 WE WILL BORE A HOLE THROUGH 391 00:18:06,118 --> 00:18:08,620 IN ORDER TO OBSERVE AND LISTEN. 392 00:18:10,122 --> 00:18:15,227 COLONEL VON STROHM AND CAPTAIN ALBERTO BERTORELLI. 393 00:18:15,227 --> 00:18:17,229 GENERAL, MY FRIEND, 394 00:18:17,229 --> 00:18:19,231 HOW'S-A GETTING ON, EH? 395 00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:21,233 IT IS A GREAT HONOR TO BE HERE, GENERAL. 396 00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:23,735 AS LOCAL COMMANDANTS, YOUR PRESENCE IS NECESSARY. 397 00:18:23,735 --> 00:18:26,738 YOU PUT MY MEN IN THE FIRST BOAT. 398 00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:27,739 WE BE FIRST ON THE BEACH. 399 00:18:27,739 --> 00:18:30,742 WHAT DO YOU WISH TO DO, SET UP AN ICE CREAM CART? 400 00:18:32,744 --> 00:18:34,245 YOU WILL GO WHERE I PUT YOU, 401 00:18:34,246 --> 00:18:35,747 AND FOR THE REST OF THIS CONFERENCE, 402 00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:38,249 YOU WILL NOT SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO. UNDERSTOOD? 403 00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:39,751 SORRY. NO OFFENSE. 404 00:18:39,751 --> 00:18:42,253 WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE. 405 00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:44,256 GENERAL LEOPOLD 406 00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:46,758 VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN. 407 00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:50,261 HEIL HITLER! 408 00:18:50,262 --> 00:18:53,265 GENERAL WILHELM VON WALKENSTIFFEN! 409 00:18:53,265 --> 00:18:54,766 HEIL HITLER! 410 00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:57,769 AIR CHIEF MARSHAL 411 00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:00,271 MAXIMILLIAN VON WINKLEMEISTER. 412 00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:06,277 ADMIRAL ULRICH VON SINKENQUICKEN. 413 00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:11,282 GENERAL JOHN LOUIS 414 00:19:11,283 --> 00:19:13,785 MARCEL AZNAVOUR. 415 00:19:14,786 --> 00:19:16,287 GOOD MOANING! 416 00:19:17,789 --> 00:19:20,792 MY GOD, THAT ENGLISH IDIOT, CRABTREE! 417 00:19:20,792 --> 00:19:21,793 HEIL HITLER. 418 00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:23,795 IT IS GOOD TO HAVE THE VICHY GOVERNMENT 419 00:19:23,795 --> 00:19:24,796 COLLABORATING WITH US. 420 00:19:24,796 --> 00:19:26,297 I AM KEEN TO SEE THE PLINS 421 00:19:26,298 --> 00:19:27,799 FOR THE INVOOSION. 422 00:19:27,799 --> 00:19:29,801 THAT IS WHY WE ARE ALL HERE. 423 00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:31,803 GRUBER, THE MAP. 424 00:19:31,803 --> 00:19:33,805 LET THE PEASANTS SERVE THE WINE. 425 00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:35,807 GENERAL, HOLD THE END? 426 00:19:38,810 --> 00:19:40,311 UH-UMM. 427 00:19:41,813 --> 00:19:43,314 OH. 428 00:19:45,817 --> 00:19:48,319 DO YOU LIVE NEAR HERE? 429 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,822 NO, MILES AWAY. 430 00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:56,328 OH, YOU ARE A KIND MAN. 431 00:19:59,831 --> 00:20:01,833 General: YOU! EYES ON THE CEILING! 432 00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:03,835 Rene: OF COURSE, GENERAL! 433 00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:09,341 General: NOW GENTLEMEN, LET US CONSIDER 434 00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:12,344 THE POSSIBLE AREAS FOR THE PRIMARY ASSAULT. 435 00:20:12,344 --> 00:20:14,346 I AM GOING TO TAKE THE PILL. 436 00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:15,847 NO, NO. IT IS NO GOOD. 437 00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:18,349 THE MAP TABLE IS UP TO HERE, 438 00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:19,851 MY CAMERA IS DOWN HERE. 439 00:20:19,851 --> 00:20:21,352 HOW CAN I TAKE PICTURES? 440 00:20:21,353 --> 00:20:23,855 STAND ON A CHAIR. 441 00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:27,859 AHHH, 442 00:20:27,859 --> 00:20:29,861 SWEETIES. 443 00:20:34,866 --> 00:20:36,367 WOULD YOU LIKE ONE, GRUBER? 444 00:20:36,368 --> 00:20:37,869 THANK YOU. 445 00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:41,373 PASS THEM ROUND. 446 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,382 IS THE HOLE BIG ENOUGH? 447 00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:52,884 QUITE BIG ENOUGH. 448 00:20:52,884 --> 00:20:54,385 WHAT CAN YOU SEE? 449 00:20:54,386 --> 00:20:57,389 YOU HAVE FAILED AGAIN, VON SMALLHAUSEN. 450 00:20:57,389 --> 00:20:59,891 WE ARE OVER THE SERVANTS' QUARTERS. 451 00:20:59,891 --> 00:21:02,894 I AM WATCHING A LADY-COOK TAKING A BATH. 452 00:21:05,897 --> 00:21:07,398 TO SUMMARIZE, 453 00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:09,401 THESE ARE THE MAIN ALTERNATIVES: 454 00:21:09,401 --> 00:21:11,903 HERE, HERE AND HERE. 455 00:21:11,903 --> 00:21:13,905 GIVE THE MATTER SOME THOUGHT, 456 00:21:13,905 --> 00:21:15,907 AND THEN I WILL WELCOME YOUR COMMENTS. 457 00:21:16,908 --> 00:21:18,910 AARGHH! 458 00:21:27,419 --> 00:21:29,421 AARGHH! 459 00:21:33,925 --> 00:21:36,928 THERE IS WOMAN OVER THERE WRITHING ON THE FLOOR. 460 00:21:36,928 --> 00:21:38,429 TAKE NO NOTICE. 461 00:21:38,430 --> 00:21:39,931 GENERAL, YOUR GLASS IS EMPTY. 462 00:21:39,931 --> 00:21:41,933 SERVANT! 463 00:21:41,933 --> 00:21:43,434 WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THAT CHAIR? 464 00:21:45,937 --> 00:21:48,940 I WAS JUST TRYING TO KILL A BLUEBOTTLE, 465 00:21:48,940 --> 00:21:51,442 BEFORE IT GOT ON THE HAM SANDWICHES. 466 00:21:51,443 --> 00:21:53,445 FILL THE GLASS OF GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN. 467 00:21:53,445 --> 00:21:54,946 YES, GENERAL. 468 00:21:58,450 --> 00:21:59,951 DO NOT LOOK AT THE MAP! 469 00:22:06,958 --> 00:22:08,459 NOW THEN, GENTLEMEN, 470 00:22:08,460 --> 00:22:10,462 LET ME HAVE YOUR COMMENTS AND OPINIONS. 471 00:22:10,462 --> 00:22:12,964 I THONK THAT FIRST 472 00:22:12,964 --> 00:22:15,967 THE AIR-FIERCE SHOULD SEND IN 473 00:22:15,967 --> 00:22:18,970 SEVERAL SQUADRONS OF FARTERS. 474 00:22:20,472 --> 00:22:22,974 THESE-- THESE SHOULD 475 00:22:22,974 --> 00:22:25,476 BE FOLLOWED BY BUMMERS. 476 00:22:25,477 --> 00:22:28,480 THEN WE SHOULD SEND IN PARATRIPPERS 477 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,982 TO CAPTURE ALL THE LONDON DICKS. 478 00:22:32,484 --> 00:22:33,985 HE MEANS DOCKS. 479 00:22:37,489 --> 00:22:41,493 GRUBER, YOU'RE FOAMING AT THE MOUTH. 480 00:22:41,493 --> 00:22:44,496 YOU TOO ARE FOAMING AT THE MOUTH, COLONEL. 481 00:22:44,496 --> 00:22:45,997 YOU ARE ALL FOAMING AT THE MOUTHS! 482 00:22:45,997 --> 00:22:47,498 DO I INCLUDE THIS IN THE MINUTES? 483 00:22:47,499 --> 00:22:49,000 THIS IS THE WORK OF THE RESISTANCE! 484 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,003 WE HAVE BEEN POISONED! QUICK! TO THE HOSPITAL! 485 00:22:55,006 --> 00:22:56,507 RENE, QUICK, THE CAMERA! 486 00:23:10,021 --> 00:23:13,024 GOOD, BACK TO THE CAFE. OUR MISSION IS COMPLETE. 487 00:23:13,024 --> 00:23:14,525 COME ON, EDITH, 488 00:23:14,526 --> 00:23:16,027 BEFORE ANYBODY COMES! 489 00:23:16,027 --> 00:23:17,528 YOU GO AHEAD. 490 00:23:17,529 --> 00:23:19,030 I AM NOT LEAVING THESE SANDWICHES. 491 00:23:20,532 --> 00:23:23,535 ( theme music playing )