1 00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:07,073 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:28,094 YOU MAY WONDER WHY I AM STUFFING A STRING 3 00:00:28,094 --> 00:00:30,596 OF FRESHLY COOKED SAUSAGES DOWN MY TROUSERS. 4 00:00:30,597 --> 00:00:32,599 THERE IS, OF COURSE, 5 00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:35,101 A SIMPLE EXPLANATION FOR ALL THIS. 6 00:00:35,101 --> 00:00:37,603 THE IDIOT BRITISH AIRMEN WERE HIDDEN IN BARRELS 7 00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:39,606 IN THE WINE CELLAR AT THE CHATEAU 8 00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:42,609 AND THE PLAN WAS TO FLOAT THEM OUT TO SEA 9 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:44,611 IN THE UNDERGROUND STREAM, 10 00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:47,113 WHICH RUNS BENEATH THE CELLAR. 11 00:00:47,113 --> 00:00:49,115 NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE STUPID AIRMEN 12 00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:51,117 FLOATED DOWN THE WRONG PASSAGE 13 00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:55,121 AND THEY ARE NOW STUCK IN THE DRAIN 14 00:00:55,121 --> 00:00:57,623 IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TOWN SQUARE. 15 00:00:57,624 --> 00:00:59,125 WE CANNOT-- 16 00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:02,128 WE CANNOT OPEN THE RUSTY GRATING TO GET THEM OUT, 17 00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:04,130 SO MICHELLE HAS INSTRUCTED ME TO FEED THE AIRMEN 18 00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:07,133 BY STANDING OVER THE DRAIN AND LOWERING THE SAUSAGES 19 00:01:07,133 --> 00:01:08,634 DOWN MY TROUSER LEG. 20 00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:13,640 AS USUAL, MY WIFE EDITH HAS OVER-CATERED. 21 00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:17,644 ( growling ) OH, RENE, 22 00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:21,147 WE ARE ALONE AT LAST. HOLD ME IN YOUR ARMS. 23 00:01:21,147 --> 00:01:22,648 Both: OH! 24 00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:24,150 BE CAREFUL, YVETTE, 25 00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:26,152 SOME OF THESE SAUSAGES ARE STILL VERY HOT. 26 00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:30,156 I CAN FEEL THE HEAT THROUGH MY DRESS. 27 00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:31,657 ( both giggle ) 28 00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:34,661 HERE I HAVE THE MUSTARD FOR THE BRITISH AIRMEN. 29 00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:36,162 I WILL TIE THE STRING TO YOUR BELT 30 00:01:36,162 --> 00:01:38,164 AND SLIP THE POT DOWN YOUR OTHER LEG. 31 00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:42,668 OH. OH. OH. 32 00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:43,670 RENE! 33 00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:47,173 WHAT IS THAT SERVING GIRL DOING TO YOU? 34 00:01:47,173 --> 00:01:49,675 YOU STUPID WOMAN. 35 00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:53,179 CAN YOU NOT SEE, THIS POOR CHILD IS EXAMINING-- 36 00:01:53,179 --> 00:01:55,181 TRYING TO-- YOU TELL HER. 37 00:01:56,182 --> 00:01:57,683 I AM MAKING SURE 38 00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:59,185 RENE HAS THE MUSTARD IN HIS TROUSERS. 39 00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:00,186 WHAT?! 40 00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:02,188 IT IS FOR THE AIRMEN. 41 00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:04,690 I WILL DO THAT. 42 00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:06,693 HERE, YOU GET IN THE KITCHEN 43 00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:07,694 AND PEEL THE POTATOES. 44 00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:09,696 BUT I HAVE ALREADY PEELED THEM. 45 00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:12,198 WELL, PEEL THEM AGAIN! 46 00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:13,699 HERE, RENE, LET ME HELP YOU. 47 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,702 I CAN MANAGE, EDITH, THANK YOU. 48 00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:17,203 YOU HAVE COOKED TOO MANY SAUSAGES. 49 00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:19,205 THERE IS BARELY ROOM FOR THEM IN MY TROUSERS. 50 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,708 AH, MICHELLE, HAVE YOU FOUND A WAY 51 00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,711 OF GETTING RID OF THE AIRMEN YET? 52 00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:26,212 LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY, 53 00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:28,714 I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE. 54 00:02:28,715 --> 00:02:30,717 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS EXAMINING THE GRATING 55 00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:32,719 TO SEE IF IT CAN BE FORCED UP. 56 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:35,221 THE AIRMEN ARE TRAPPED ON A LEDGE 57 00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:37,723 NEXT TO THE OVERFLOW PIPE FROM THIS CAFE. 58 00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:39,225 SO UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD ANYONE 59 00:02:39,225 --> 00:02:42,228 - FLUSH THE TOILET. - ( toilet flushes ) 60 00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:47,734 I MUST REMEMBER TO TELL MAMMA AND MONSIEUR LECLERC. 61 00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:50,236 LET US HOPE THE AIRMEN HAVE NOT BEEN WASHED AWAY. 62 00:02:50,236 --> 00:02:53,239 ON THE CONTRARY, LET US HOPE THEY HAVE! 63 00:02:53,239 --> 00:02:55,241 ARE THE BANGERS IN YOUR PANTS? 64 00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:59,745 ALL PRESENT AND PIPING HOT. 65 00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:01,247 MICHELLE, WHAT ABOUT DRINK? 66 00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:02,748 THE GARLIC IN THE SAUSAGE 67 00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:04,250 WILL MAKE THE AIRMEN THIRSTY. 68 00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:05,751 MY RESISTANCE GIRLS ARE ADAPTING 69 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,754 MADAME FANNY'S WHEELCHAIR. 70 00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:10,256 THEY ARE PUTTING A TANK OF SOUP UNDERNEATH IT WITH A TAP. 71 00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:13,259 WHEN MONSIEUR LECLERC TAKES MADAME FANNY 72 00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:15,261 FOR HER MORNING STROLL IN THE WHEELCHAIR, 73 00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:17,763 HE WILL STOP OVER THE DRAIN, OPEN THE TAP, 74 00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,265 AND LET THE AIRMEN DRINK THE SOUP. 75 00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:21,767 OH, MADAME EDITH, 76 00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:23,269 SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED. 77 00:03:23,269 --> 00:03:24,270 MADAME FANNY HAS GONE. 78 00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:26,272 GONE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 79 00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:28,774 SHE AND MONSIEUR LECLERC HAD A ROW LAST NIGHT. 80 00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:30,777 HE FOUND THIS NOTE ON THE PILLOW WHEN HE WOKE UP. 81 00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:32,278 HE IS DISTRAUGHT. 82 00:03:32,278 --> 00:03:33,779 OH-- 83 00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:36,282 MAMMA HAS GONE TO STAY WITH HER COUSIN IN AVIGNON, 84 00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:37,783 THE ONE WHO RUNS THE KENNELS. 85 00:03:37,784 --> 00:03:40,286 WELL, SHE SHOULD FEEL AT HOME THERE. 86 00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:43,790 DID MONSIEUR LECLERC SAY WHAT THE ROW WAS ABOUT? 87 00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:45,792 APPARENTLY, SHE WAS COMPLAINING 88 00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:48,294 ABOUT HIS DEMANDS FOR CONJUGAL RIGHTS. 89 00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:50,296 WAS HE MAKING MANY? 90 00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:53,799 NO, THAT IS WHAT SHE WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT. 91 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,802 THIS IS BAD NEWS. 92 00:03:55,802 --> 00:03:58,304 IF MADAME FANNY HAS GONE, THAT PUTS PAID TO MY PLAN 93 00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,306 FOR GIVING THE AIRMEN THE SOUP. 94 00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:02,808 SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO TAKE HER PLACE. 95 00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:05,812 I WILL DO IT. I CAN TURN MYSELF INTO THE OLD WOMAN. 96 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:09,315 ( witchlike voice ) AH, EDITH. 97 00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:14,320 NO, MIMI, YOU ARE MUCH TOO SMALL. 98 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,821 MADAME EDITH, YOU WILL HAVE TO DO IT. 99 00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:19,325 HOW COULD I MAKE MYSELF LOOK OLD AND WRINKLED? 100 00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:24,330 WEAR ONE OF YOUR HATS... 101 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:26,832 AND TRY A LITTLE LESS MAKE-UP. 102 00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:30,336 OH, YOU MUST, MADAME EDITH. THE LIVES OF THE AIRMEN MAY DEPEND ON IT, 103 00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:32,338 AND YOU ARE AN ARTISTE. 104 00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:36,342 VERY WELL, I WILL DO IT. 105 00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,344 I WILL WEAR ONE OF MAMMA'S DRESSES 106 00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:39,845 AND PUT ON HER OLD SUN HAT. 107 00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:43,349 I WILL SUCK IN MY CHEEKS TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK TOOTHLESS, 108 00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:45,351 AND HUNCH MY SHOULDERS TO MAKE ME LOOK 109 00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:47,853 OLD AND ARTHRITIC. 110 00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:49,856 I NEVER REALIZED SHE WAS THAT OLD. 111 00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:54,860 ( imitating Mamma ) THE GERMANS, 112 00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:56,362 I SPIT ON THEM. 113 00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:57,363 ( spitting ) 114 00:04:58,364 --> 00:04:59,865 NOW STOP WASTING TIME, 115 00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:01,868 AND GO UPSTAIRS TO GET READY, 116 00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:02,869 YOU SILLY OLD BAT. 117 00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:05,371 RENE, HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT! 118 00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:08,374 I AM SORRY, EDITH, BUT YOU WERE SO REALISTIC 119 00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:10,876 I AM ALREADY THINKING OF YOU AS MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. 120 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:28,828 GOOD MOANING. 121 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,833 OH, GOOD MORNING, MONSIEUR. 122 00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:36,836 WHAT ARE YOU DEEING CROTCHING ON ALL FEARS 123 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,337 IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SQUEER? 124 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,341 I AM CHECKING THESE RUSTY HINGES 125 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,843 TO SEE IF WE CAN GET THE BRITISH AIRMEN OUT. 126 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,845 OF COURSE, THE EARMEN. 127 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:48,347 WE MUST ROSCUE THEM AS SOON AS PISSABLE. 128 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,350 HMM? 129 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,353 THERE IS LITTLE HOPE OF THAT, I AM AFRAID. 130 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,854 THE HINGES ARE RUSTED SOLID. 131 00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:58,357 THAT IS BAD NOSE INDOOD. 132 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,860 I MUST INFORM MICHELLE. 133 00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:03,362 SHE HAS SECRETED HERSELF IN THE CAFE. 134 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,371 I SAY, CHAPS, CAN YOU HEAR ME? 135 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,875 - HELLO! - HELLO! 136 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:18,878 Crabtree: KEEP YOUR CHINS UP, CHAPS. 137 00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:19,879 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? 138 00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:21,881 WELL, UH... 139 00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:24,383 IT PONGS A BIT DOWN HERE. 140 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,385 IS SOMEONE DOING SOMETHING? 141 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,886 Crabtree: DON'T WORRY, 142 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,888 THE UNDERTAKER'S TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING. 143 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,890 I SAY, I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT. 144 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,892 MUST DASH, CHAPS. 145 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,894 JERRY ON HORIZON. 146 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,898 GOOD MOANING. 147 00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,900 NICE DOO. 148 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,402 I DON'T LIKE IT MUCH DOWN HERE. 149 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,904 I KNOW, OLD BOY. 150 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:50,410 STILL, IT DOES HAVE ITS COMPENSATIONS. 151 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,418 AH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, HAVE YOU MADE ANY PROGRESS? 152 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,920 THE DRAIN COVER WILL NOT MOVE. 153 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,421 IT HAS NOT BEEN OPENED FOR YEARS. 154 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,924 BUT THAT IS DREADFUL. WHAT ARE WE TO DO? 155 00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:07,426 I COULD PERHAPS LOOSEN THE HINGES WITH A HAMMER, 156 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,929 BUT I CANNOT GO OUT INTO THE SQUARE 157 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:12,431 AND START BANGING IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. 158 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,434 YES, THAT MIGHT AROUSE SUSPICION. 159 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,936 COULD YOU NOT PARK YOUR HEARSE 160 00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,938 OVER THE DRAIN AND WORK UNDERNEATH IT? 161 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:20,439 DO NOT BE RIDICULOUS, MICHELLE. 162 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,442 THE GERMANS WOULD STILL HEAR HIM BANGING. 163 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,945 AN IDEA HAS JUST ENTERED MY BRAIN. 164 00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:29,448 WE COULD PERHAPS USE YOUR OLD ICE CREAM WAGON? 165 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,451 THE ONE I KEEP IN MY GARAGE? 166 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,453 THE NOISE OF THE ICE MAKING MACHINERY 167 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,955 WOULD DISGUISE OUR ACTIVITIES UNDERNEATH. 168 00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:38,958 OH, THAT IS A GOOD IDEA! 169 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:41,460 THE GERMANS WOULD NOT SUSPECT AN ICE CREAM VAN. 170 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:45,965 BUT IT HAS BEEN LAID UP SINCE IT BROKE DOWN IN 1934. 171 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,467 THE ENGINE MIGHT NEED A LITTLE TINKERING 172 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,470 BUT THE FREEZER STILL WORKS. 173 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,472 I OCCASIONALLY USE IT FOR STORING BODIES. 174 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,477 YOUR WAITRESSES COULD SERVE THE ICE CREAM, 175 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,978 AND YOU, RENE, YOU CAN DRIVE THE VAN. 176 00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:01,981 OH NO, NO, NO. I AM PLAYING NO PART IN THIS CRACKPOT IDEA. 177 00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:03,482 LISTEN, 178 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,984 IF THOSE AIRMEN ARE FOUND IN THE DRAIN, 179 00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:06,986 THEY MAY CRACK UNDER INTERROGATION 180 00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:08,988 AND REVEAL WHO HAS BEEN SHELTERING THEM. 181 00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:10,489 AND THE FINGER... 182 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,992 WILL POINT AT YOU, MONSIEUR. 183 00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:14,493 WELL, AS USUAL, 184 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,496 I DO NOT SEEM TO HAVE MUCH CHOICE. 185 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,498 WELL, I WILL GO FOR A TINKER. 186 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:22,501 AND I WILL GO AND FEED THE AIRMEN. 187 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:27,006 YOU ARE WALKING VERY STRANGELY, MONSIEUR. 188 00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:29,008 IF YOU HAD DOWN YOUR TROUSERS 189 00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,509 WHAT I HAVE DOWN MINE, 190 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:34,013 YOU WOULD WALK STRANGELY. 191 00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,514 BIG HEAD! 192 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,538 I SAY, CARSTAIRS, 193 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,039 THAT CAFE CHAPPIE'S UP THERE 194 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,541 DROPPING SOMETHING DOWN HIS TROUSERS! 195 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,546 IT'S SAUSAGES, FAIRFAX. 196 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,048 THANK GOD FOR THAT. 197 00:09:19,058 --> 00:09:21,560 GOOD MORNING, RENE. 198 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,564 I'M SORRY I MADE YOU JUMP. 199 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,066 GOOD MORNING, LIEUTENANT GRUBER. 200 00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:30,069 I WAS JUST TAKING THE AIR. 201 00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:33,572 MY STOMACH IS A LITTLE FRAGILE THIS MORNING. 202 00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:36,576 OH, DEAR LIEUTENANT, I HOPE IT'S NOTHING SERIOUS. 203 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,079 I THINK IT WAS THE COTTAGE PIE I HAD IN THE CAFE LAST NIGHT. 204 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,584 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, RENE? 205 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,586 YOU APPEAR TO HAVE A TWITCH IN YOUR LEG. 206 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,087 OH, IT IS NOTHING. 207 00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:51,090 JUST A SLIGHT MUSCLE STRAIN FROM CARRYING HEAVY CRATES 208 00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:52,091 UP FROM THE CELLAR. 209 00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:54,593 PERHAPS SOMEONE SHOULD LOOK AT IT? 210 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,596 NO, THAT IS NOT NECESSARY, 211 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,097 BUT THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN. 212 00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:02,601 RENE-- 213 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,606 RENE, IS IT MY IMAGINATION 214 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:09,108 OR IS THERE A SAUSAGE 215 00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:10,609 POPPING OUT OF THE END OF YOUR TROUSERS? 216 00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:14,613 NO, NO YOU ARE SEEING CORRECTLY. 217 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:17,116 THESE SAUSAGES WERE PAST THEIR EAT-BY DATE 218 00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:20,619 SO I WAS DISPOSING THEM TO SAFEGUARD OUR CUSTOMERS. 219 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,623 THAT IS MOST COMMENDABLE. 220 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,125 AND HOW TYPICAL OF YOU. 221 00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:27,626 OH. 222 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,630 BUT WOULD IT NOT BE SIMPLER JUST TO... 223 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,632 POP THEM IN THE DUSTBIN? 224 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:36,636 WE DO NOT WANT ANYBODY TO SUFFER FROM FOOD POISONING. 225 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,137 WE PUT THE WORST FOOD FROM THE CAFE 226 00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:40,139 STRAIGHT DOWN HERE. 227 00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:42,141 IN THAT CASE, RENE, 228 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,143 MAY I MAKE A SUGGESTION? 229 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,145 OF COURSE, LIEUTENANT. 230 00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:48,147 PERHAPS NEXT TIME 231 00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:50,649 YOU COULD DO THE SAME 232 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:53,152 WITH MADAME EDITH'S COTTAGE PIE? 233 00:11:02,361 --> 00:11:04,863 SO, VON SMALLHAUSEN, ARE YOU READY 234 00:11:04,864 --> 00:11:07,366 TO COMMENCE THE FORGING OF A COPY OF THE FALLEN MADONNA 235 00:11:07,366 --> 00:11:09,368 WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP, 236 00:11:09,368 --> 00:11:11,870 WHICH WE SO AUDACIOUSLY STOLE FROM THE CHATEAU 237 00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:14,373 BEHIND GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN'S BACK 238 00:11:14,373 --> 00:11:15,874 UNDER HIS VERY NOSE? 239 00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:17,877 YES, HERR FLICK. I WILL DO MY BEST. 240 00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:19,879 I HAVE CAREFULLY TRACED AROUND THE PAINTING 241 00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:21,881 TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR YOU. 242 00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:23,883 THE CODE FOR THE COLORS IS HERE. 243 00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:26,886 IT IS A GREAT HELP, HERR FLICK. 244 00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:29,889 NUMBER ONE IS FOR RED, 245 00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:31,390 TWO FOR BLUE, THREE FOR GREEN 246 00:11:31,390 --> 00:11:34,393 AND FOUR FOR A PINKY FLESH COLOR. 247 00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:36,895 THAT IS A LARGE POT, HERR FLICK. 248 00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:38,397 IT IS FOR HER BOOBIES, 249 00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:41,400 WHICH OCCUPY MUCH OF THE PAINTING. 250 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,902 AND WHAT SHALL WE DO ABOUT THIS FORGERY? 251 00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:47,907 I WILL PLANT IT IN THE OFFICE OF COLONEL VON STROHM. 252 00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:49,909 AN ANONYMOUS TELEPHONE CALL 253 00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:52,912 WILL INFORM GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN WHERE IT IS, 254 00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:55,414 THE COLONEL WILL BE ACCUSED OF STEALING IT 255 00:11:55,414 --> 00:11:57,416 AND BE SENT TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT 256 00:11:57,416 --> 00:12:00,919 WHERE HE WILL NO LONGER BE A PAIN IN THE BUM. 257 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,422 IT IS A VERY RISKY PLAN, HERR FLICK. 258 00:12:03,422 --> 00:12:05,924 DO NOT WORRY, VON SMALLHAUSEN. 259 00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:08,427 IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG, YOU WILL CARRY THE CAN. 260 00:12:08,427 --> 00:12:12,431 I SHALL BE PROUD TO BE A COG IN THE WHEEL, HERR FLICK. 261 00:12:12,431 --> 00:12:14,933 A VERY SMALL COG. I AM A BIG COG. 262 00:12:16,936 --> 00:12:18,437 NOW GET ON WITH THE FORGING. 263 00:12:18,437 --> 00:12:20,939 I AM GOING TO TAKE HELGA THESE FLOWERS. 264 00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:23,442 IF YOU DO A REALLY GOOD JOB, 265 00:12:23,442 --> 00:12:24,943 I MAY LET HELGA GIVE YOU A KISS. 266 00:12:26,445 --> 00:12:28,447 THE THOUGHT HAS MADE MY HAND SHAKE, HERR FLICK. 267 00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:30,949 TAKE A TRANQUILIZER, VON SMALLHAUSEN. 268 00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:32,952 I DO NOT WANT A NIPPLE ON HER NOSE. 269 00:12:34,453 --> 00:12:36,955 THE PAPER CLIPS AND STATIONERY 270 00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:38,457 ARE IN THE TOP DRAWER. 271 00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:40,959 IF YOU CAN'T FIND ANYTHING, PRIVATE BIGSTERN, 272 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:41,961 JUST ASK LIEUTENANT GRUBER. 273 00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:42,962 HE'S VERY HELPFUL. 274 00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:45,464 HE SEEMED A NICE FELLOW WHEN YOU INTRODUCED ME 275 00:12:45,464 --> 00:12:46,965 TO HIM AND THE COLONEL. 276 00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:48,467 HANDSOME, TOO-- 277 00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:50,469 QUITE TICKLED MY FANCY. 278 00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:53,472 HE'S NEVER TICKLED MINE. 279 00:12:56,976 --> 00:12:58,978 - GOOD MORNING, HELGA. - GOOD MORNING, GENERAL. 280 00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:00,980 IS THIS A NEW MEMBER OF STAFF? 281 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,982 I AM OFF ON MY TRAINING COURSE, 282 00:13:02,982 --> 00:13:04,984 PRIVATE BIGSTERN IS TAKING MY PLACE. 283 00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:08,988 NO ONE CAN POSSIBLY TAKE YOUR PLACE, HELGA. 284 00:13:08,988 --> 00:13:11,490 ALTHOUGH ON SECOND THOUGHTS, 285 00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:12,491 I COULD BE WRONG. 286 00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:14,493 I WILL BE TAKING OVER 287 00:13:14,493 --> 00:13:16,495 ALL OF PRIVATE GEERHART'S DUTIES, GENERAL. 288 00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:18,997 IN THAT CASE, I MIGHT HAVE SOME OVERTIME 289 00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:20,499 FOR YOU ONE EVENING THIS WEEK. 290 00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:22,501 IT WILL BE A PLEASURE, GENERAL. 291 00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:24,503 THAT IS WHAT I HOPE. 292 00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:26,505 I WILL MISS HELGA, YOU KNOW. 293 00:13:26,505 --> 00:13:29,508 BUT THAT NEW GIRL, SHE HAS A LOT GOING FOR HER. 294 00:13:29,508 --> 00:13:32,010 ALREADY SHE'S GIVEN ME THE WINK. 295 00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:34,513 DON'T START GETTING IDEAS, BERTORELLI. 296 00:13:34,513 --> 00:13:36,014 SHE GAVE ME THE WINK ALSO. 297 00:13:36,015 --> 00:13:39,518 SHE WINKED AT ME, TOO. I CAN'T THINK WHY. 298 00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:42,020 GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN! 299 00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:47,025 WE SHALL HAVE TO GET CHEESE FOR OUR EARS, GRUBER. 300 00:13:47,026 --> 00:13:49,528 THIS NEW GIRL IS WORSE THAN HELGA. 301 00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:51,029 HEIL HITLER! 302 00:13:58,037 --> 00:13:59,538 NOW, COLONEL, 303 00:13:59,538 --> 00:14:01,540 I WISH TO KNOW WHAT PROGRESS YOU HAVE MADE IN THE SEARCH 304 00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:03,041 FOR THE MISCREANTS WHO STOLE THE PAINTING 305 00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:05,544 OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP, 306 00:14:05,544 --> 00:14:06,545 FROM MY HEADQUARTERS IN THE CHATEAU? 307 00:14:06,545 --> 00:14:08,547 GRUBER, TELL THE GENERAL 308 00:14:08,547 --> 00:14:10,549 WHAT PROGRESS WE'RE MAKING. 309 00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:12,551 UH... WELL... 310 00:14:12,551 --> 00:14:15,554 OF COURSE, AFTER YOU... 311 00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:17,556 ANNOUNCED THE CURFEW, 312 00:14:17,556 --> 00:14:19,558 WE CARRIED OUT A HOUSE-TO-HOUSE SEARCH, 313 00:14:19,558 --> 00:14:21,560 AND ROUNDED UP ALL THE USUAL SUSPECTS. 314 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,562 WE ARE ALSO STOPPING AND SEARCHING 315 00:14:23,562 --> 00:14:25,063 EVERYONE LEAVING THE VILLAGE. 316 00:14:25,064 --> 00:14:27,566 IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'VE MADE NO PROGRESS AT ALL. 317 00:14:27,566 --> 00:14:29,067 NO, GENERAL. 318 00:14:29,068 --> 00:14:31,070 BUT WE'RE TRYING VERY HARD. 319 00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:33,572 MY MEN, THEY ARE WORKING ROUND THE CLOCK, 320 00:14:33,572 --> 00:14:36,575 SOMETIMES TWO OR THREE HOURS A DAY. 321 00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:40,078 IF I DO NOT SEE SOME RESULTS SOON, 322 00:14:40,079 --> 00:14:42,081 THE CHANCES OF YOU ALL BEING SENT 323 00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:44,583 TO THE RUSSIAN FRONT WILL IMPROVE CONSIDERABLY. 324 00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:45,584 WHOOPS. 325 00:14:45,584 --> 00:14:49,087 PARTICULARLY YOURS. IS THAT CLEAR? 326 00:14:49,088 --> 00:14:50,089 YES, GENERAL! 327 00:14:50,089 --> 00:14:51,090 HEIL HITLER. 328 00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:52,091 HEIL HITLER. 329 00:14:52,091 --> 00:14:53,092 HEIL MUSSOLINI. 330 00:14:54,593 --> 00:14:56,094 DON'T BE SILLY. 331 00:14:57,096 --> 00:15:00,099 THE GENERALI-- I DON'T THINK HE LIKES ME. 332 00:15:00,099 --> 00:15:01,600 NOBODY LIKES YOU. 333 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,102 IF YOUR MEN WERE MORE EFFICIENT, 334 00:15:04,103 --> 00:15:06,105 WE MIGHT HAVE FOUND THE PAINTING BY NOW. 335 00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:07,606 AFTER ALL, THEY ARE CRIMINALS. 336 00:15:07,606 --> 00:15:09,107 THEY OUGHT TO KNOW WHERE TO LOOK. 337 00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:10,609 WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME 338 00:15:10,609 --> 00:15:12,110 WHO GETS THE BLAME FOR ALL THE COCK-UPS? 339 00:15:12,111 --> 00:15:14,113 WE HAVE TO BLAME SOMEONE. 340 00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:15,614 AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ITAI WE KNOW. 341 00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:22,121 WHO ARE YOU? I AM LOOKING FOR HELGA. 342 00:15:22,121 --> 00:15:24,123 SHE HAS GONE ON A COURSE. 343 00:15:24,123 --> 00:15:25,624 I'M HER REPLACEMENT. 344 00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:28,126 I AM HERR FLICK, HEAD OF THE NOUVION GESTAPO, 345 00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:30,129 GODSON OF HEINRICH HIMMLER, 346 00:15:30,129 --> 00:15:32,131 SCOURGE OF THE RESISTANCE, 347 00:15:32,131 --> 00:15:34,133 AND A BIT OF A ONE FOR THE GIRLS. 348 00:15:34,133 --> 00:15:35,634 YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF ME? 349 00:15:35,634 --> 00:15:37,636 NO. 350 00:15:37,636 --> 00:15:40,138 I HAD COME HERE 351 00:15:40,139 --> 00:15:41,640 TO ASK HELGA OUT THIS AFTERNOON, 352 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,642 BUT YOU LOOK A FINE SPECIMEN. 353 00:15:43,642 --> 00:15:46,144 YOU WILL DO JUST AS WELL. WHAT DO YOU SAY? 354 00:15:46,145 --> 00:15:48,647 WELL, I AM A NEW GIRL HERE. 355 00:15:48,647 --> 00:15:50,649 I THINK I'D BETTER ASK PERMISSION FIRST. 356 00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:56,155 PERMISSION TO SPEAK, COLONEL? 357 00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:58,157 WHAT IS IT, PRIVATE BIGSTERN? 358 00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:03,162 THERE IS SOMEONE OUTSIDE CALLING HIMSELF HERR FLICK. 359 00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:05,164 HE HAS ASKED ME OUT. 360 00:16:05,164 --> 00:16:07,166 IS IT WISE FOR ME TO ACCEPT? 361 00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,167 HERR FLICK?! 362 00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:10,169 OH, NO, ELSA, 363 00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:12,671 HE'S A PARTICULARLY NASTY CHARACTER. 364 00:16:12,671 --> 00:16:14,172 HE'S A HORRIBLE, LITTLE WORM. 365 00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:15,674 YOU COME OUT WITH ME INSTEAD. 366 00:16:19,178 --> 00:16:21,680 WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE. 367 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,682 WAIT A MINUTE! 368 00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:25,684 THIS COULD BE OUR OPPORTUNITY 369 00:16:25,684 --> 00:16:27,686 TO PUT A SPY IN FLICK'S CAMP, 370 00:16:27,686 --> 00:16:29,688 NOW THAT HELGA'S NO LONGER INTIMATE WITH HIM. 371 00:16:29,688 --> 00:16:31,690 THAT IS AN IDEA, COLONEL. 372 00:16:31,690 --> 00:16:33,692 HE ALSO MAY KNOW SOMETHING 373 00:16:33,692 --> 00:16:35,193 ABOUT THE THEFT OF THE PAINTING. 374 00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:36,695 PRIVATE BIGSTERN, 375 00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:39,197 YOU WILL ACCEPT HERR FLICK'S INVITATION, 376 00:16:39,198 --> 00:16:41,700 BECOME CLOSE TO HIM, AND REPORT EVERYTHING 377 00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:43,702 HE SAYS AND DOES TO US. 378 00:16:43,702 --> 00:16:46,705 PARTICULARLY IF HE HAS A PAINTING IN HIS QUARTERS. 379 00:16:46,705 --> 00:16:49,207 OF A GIRL WITH BIG BOOBIES. 380 00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:52,211 THEY MIGHT NOT SEEM BIG TO YOU, BUT THEY ARE TO US. 381 00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:56,215 I WILL DO MY BEST. HEIL HITLER! 382 00:16:56,215 --> 00:16:59,718 SHE'S NEW... KEEN, 383 00:16:59,718 --> 00:17:01,720 PITY SHE'S A GIRL. 384 00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:07,726 VERY WELL, HERR FLICK. I ACCEPT YOUR INVITATION. 385 00:17:07,726 --> 00:17:08,727 GOOD. 386 00:17:08,727 --> 00:17:11,730 REPORT TO MY SECRET HEADQUARTERS THIS AFTERNOON. 387 00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:13,231 WHAT IS THE ADDRESS? 388 00:17:13,232 --> 00:17:14,733 HERE IS MY CARD. 389 00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:16,234 IT IS BLANK. 390 00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:17,736 BREATHE ON IT FOR 30 SECONDS 391 00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:19,237 AND THE WORDS WILL APPEAR. 392 00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:22,241 YOU ARE A LUCKY MAN, HERR FLICK. 393 00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:23,742 I'M VERY POPULAR IN THE MESS, 394 00:17:23,742 --> 00:17:25,243 AND DO NOT USUALLY GO OUT 395 00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:26,745 WITH BALDING LITTLE MEN IN GLASSES. 396 00:17:26,745 --> 00:17:28,246 I BEG YOUR PARDON? 397 00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:29,748 YOU MAY KISS ME NOW. 398 00:17:33,752 --> 00:17:34,753 I'LL SEE YOU LATER, HERR FLICK. 399 00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:37,756 MUCH LATER. 400 00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:40,759 I MUST DO SOME PRESS-UPS FIRST. 401 00:17:46,298 --> 00:17:47,299 HALLO, CHAPS. 402 00:17:47,299 --> 00:17:49,301 - HALLO. - HALLO. 403 00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:51,803 I'VE JUST BEEN TALKING TO THE CAFE CHAPPIE. 404 00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:54,306 HE'S WHEELING OUT HIS OLD MOTHER-IN-LAW IN A MINUTE, 405 00:17:54,306 --> 00:17:56,808 WITH SOME HOMEMADE SOUP. 406 00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:58,310 SHE'LL POUR IT DOWN THE GRATE FOR YOU. 407 00:17:58,310 --> 00:18:00,312 HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DRINK IT? 408 00:18:00,312 --> 00:18:02,814 YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO IMPROVISE. 409 00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:04,817 WE CAN'T GET THE MUGS THROUGH THE BARS. 410 00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:08,320 WHY DON'T WE USE OUR BOOTS, CARSTAIRS? 411 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:09,321 GOOD IDEA. 412 00:18:12,324 --> 00:18:14,826 DAMN, BOTH OF MINE HAVE GOT HOLES IN THEM. 413 00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:16,328 OH, YOU CAN HAVE ONE OF MINE IF YOU LIKE. 414 00:18:16,328 --> 00:18:18,830 I THINK I'D RATHER USE MY CAP, OLD BOY. 415 00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,839 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, MONSIEUR LECLERC? 416 00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:27,840 YES, YES. 417 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,842 I AM TO WHEEL THE CHAIR OVER THE DRAIN, 418 00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,844 AND TURN ON THE TAP. I AM NOT STUPID. 419 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:33,846 WE KNOW YOU ARE NOT, MONSIEUR LECLERC. 420 00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,848 FIRST IMPRESSIONS CAN BE DECEPTIVE. 421 00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,850 OOOH, RENE, 422 00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:40,853 I CAN FEEL THE SOUP BOILING IN THE TANK UNDERNEATH ME. 423 00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,855 I THINK THE PRIMUS IS TOO HIGH. 424 00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,858 RELEASE SOME OF THE PRESSURE WITH THE STEAM VALVE. 425 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:47,359 ( steam spurting ) 426 00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:53,866 THERE'S A LOT OF GARLIC IN THAT SOUP. 427 00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:55,367 GOOD MOANING. 428 00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:56,868 GOOD MOANING. 429 00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:59,371 I HAVE TOLD THE EARMEN TO EXPECT THE SOAP. 430 00:18:59,371 --> 00:19:01,373 I THOUGHT WE WERE GIVING THEM SOUP? 431 00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:03,375 HE MEANS SOUP. 432 00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:05,377 I WISH YOU WOULD LEARN TO SPEAK PROPER FRENCH. 433 00:19:07,379 --> 00:19:09,881 YOUR MITHER-IN-LOO IS NOT LOOKING VERY WELL. 434 00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:13,886 SHE IS MORE WRONKLED AND HIGGARD THAN USUAL. 435 00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,889 IT IS ME, OFFICER CRABTREE. 436 00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:20,392 MY MOTHER IS NOT HERE, SO I AM TAKING HER PLACE. 437 00:19:20,392 --> 00:19:23,395 IT IS A GOOD DISGEESE. 438 00:19:23,395 --> 00:19:25,397 OFF YOU GO, AND GET IT RIGHT. 439 00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:27,399 IT IS A SIMPLE ENOUGH TASK, 440 00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:28,900 ANY FOOL COULD DO IT. 441 00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:32,904 BUT YOU WERE TOP OF THE LIST. 442 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,907 THE OLD LADY IN THE WHEELCHAIR IS COMING THIS WAY. 443 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:37,409 JOLLY GOOD. GET READY FOR SOUP. 444 00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:43,415 THIS IS THE DRAIN, MADAME EDITH. 445 00:19:43,415 --> 00:19:45,417 TURN ON THE TAP THEN, MONSIEUR LECLERC. 446 00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:53,425 OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT IDIOT DOING? 447 00:19:53,425 --> 00:19:56,428 HE IS PUTTING THE SOAP DOWN THE WRING DROON! 448 00:19:56,428 --> 00:19:58,430 CAN THEY GET NOTHING RIGHT? 449 00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:01,433 Fairfax: THE SOUP'S COMING DOWN THE WRONG DRAIN. 450 00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:03,935 QUICK, FAIRFAX, BEFORE IT RUNS OUT. 451 00:20:06,438 --> 00:20:08,440 WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU IDIOTS? 452 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,942 GO BACK TO THE CAFE, I WILL TAKE OVER. 453 00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:13,946 Edith: WHAT IS WRONG, RENE? 454 00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:16,949 YOU WERE OVER THE WRONG DRAIN, YOU SILLY OLD BAT. 455 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:19,952 RENE, HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT! 456 00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:21,954 I'M SORRY, EDITH, BUT YOU'RE MORE LIKE YOUR MOTHER, 457 00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:23,455 THAN YOUR MOTHER. 458 00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,960 DAMN BLIGHTERS HAVE GONE. 459 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,462 THAT'S JOLLY UNFAIR. I WAS DYING FOR A DRINK. 460 00:20:30,462 --> 00:20:32,464 LOOK! IT'S COMING DOWN THE OTHER ONE NOW. 461 00:20:32,464 --> 00:20:35,967 BLASTED FROGGIES, CAN'T GET ANYTHING RIGHT. 462 00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:38,470 I AM SORRY TOO, RENE, 463 00:20:38,470 --> 00:20:40,972 I DID NOT NOTICE IT WAS THE WRONG DRAIN. 464 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:42,975 NOW IT IS THE RIGHT ONE. 465 00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:47,980 I SAY, CARSTAIRS, 466 00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:50,482 I DIDN'T GET ANY. 467 00:20:50,482 --> 00:20:52,250 - ( knocking ) - WHO IS IT? 468 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:55,254 PRIVATE ELSA BIGSTERN! 469 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,756 LET HER IN, VON SMALLHAUSEN. 470 00:20:57,756 --> 00:21:00,258 IT IS MY NEW DATE. HELGA IS AWAY. 471 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:03,762 I WAS EXPECTING YOU. 472 00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:06,264 I WASN'T. 473 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,767 THIS IS VON SMALLHAUSEN, MY ASSISTANT. 474 00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:10,769 WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO KISS HIM? 475 00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:12,771 THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY. 476 00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:14,773 LET'S NOT BE HASTY, HERR FLICK. 477 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,777 GO TO YOUR CUPBOARD, VON SMALLHAUSEN. 478 00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:23,281 WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK? 479 00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,784 THE TAP WATER HERE IS EXCELLENT. 480 00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:28,787 YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BEAT ABOUT THE BUSH WITH ME, HERR FLICK. 481 00:21:28,787 --> 00:21:29,788 REMOVE YOUR GLASSES! 482 00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:32,791 I AM NOT ACCUSTOMED TO BEING GIVEN ORDERS. 483 00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:35,794 I BELIEVE A WOMAN SHOULD ALWAYS BE DOMINANT IN A RELATIONSHIP. 484 00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:37,295 I HAVE DIFFERENT VIEWS. 485 00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:39,298 BUT WITHOUT MY GLASSES, 486 00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,300 IT NOT EASY TO EXPRESS THEM. 487 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,802 TAKE OFF YOUR TIE. 488 00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:47,305 I DO NOT STRIP ON FIRST DATES. 489 00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:48,807 THEN I WILL DO IT FOR YOU. 490 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,311 VON SMALLHAUSEN, HELP. 491 00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:53,812 YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, HERR FLICK. 492 00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:55,814 I'M LOCKING MYSELF IN MY CUPBOARD. 493 00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:20,338 THIS IS A VERY WOBBLY VAN, RENE. 494 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,341 EVERYTHING IS VERY WOBBLY. 495 00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:23,842 THIS ICE CREAM WILL CURDLE. 496 00:22:23,842 --> 00:22:25,844 LET US HOPE WE CAN GET THE JOB DONE 497 00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:27,345 BEFORE IT AFFECTS ANYTHING ELSE. 498 00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:28,847 WHERE IS MONSIEUR ALPHONSE? 499 00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:37,856 OH, MY DICKY TICKER. 500 00:22:37,856 --> 00:22:41,359 I DON'T THINK I CAN STAND IT IN HERE FOR TOO LONG. 501 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,861 OH MY GOD, 502 00:22:42,861 --> 00:22:44,863 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS GOT OVERHEATED. 503 00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:47,365 WILL YOU PASS ME A FROZEN DRINK ON A STICK? 504 00:22:52,871 --> 00:22:54,372 THAT'S BETTER. 505 00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:55,374 THANK YOU, MADEMOISELLE. 506 00:22:56,875 --> 00:22:59,377 ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE UP TO THIS? 507 00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:01,380 OH, OF COURSE, MONSIEUR. 508 00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:03,382 I HAVE HERE MY BIG-- 509 00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:04,883 HAMMER 510 00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:06,384 AND CHISEL, 511 00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,887 WHICH I USE FOR ENGRAVING GRAVESTONES. 512 00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:13,892 I SHALL DROP DOWN THROUGH THE TRAP DOOR BENEATH THE VAN, 513 00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:16,394 AND UNDER THE CLATTER OF THE ENGINES, 514 00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:20,399 I SHALL BANG OUT THE RUSTY BOLTS. 515 00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,401 BE CAREFUL, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 516 00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:24,403 THERE ARE GERMANS EVERYWHERE. 517 00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:25,904 I WILL DO MY BEST, 518 00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:28,406 BUT I AM NOT AS YOUNG AS I WAS. 519 00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:30,409 I SHALL ONLY BE ABLE TO BANG 520 00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:32,411 FOR SHORT PERIODS. 521 00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:34,413 THIS I CAN BELIEVE. 522 00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:39,418 I WILL ATTACH A HOOK TO THE COVER OF THE DRAIN, 523 00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:41,420 AND USE THE AUXILIARY MOTOR, 524 00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,922 WHICH POWERS THE ICE CREAM PUMP, 525 00:23:43,922 --> 00:23:46,424 TO RAISE UP THE GRATING. 526 00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:48,927 TO-- EXCUSEZ-MOI. 527 00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:51,930 THIS COULD BE A LONG JOB. 528 00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:53,932 I THINK I'LL HAVE A LOLLY WHILE WE ARE WAITING. 529 00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:58,436 THANK YOU, 530 00:24:04,443 --> 00:24:07,446 THE DAY IS WARMER THAN I THOUGHT. 531 00:24:13,185 --> 00:24:15,187 THIS LOVELY WARM WEATHER 532 00:24:15,187 --> 00:24:17,189 HAS PUT ME IN AN EXCELLENT MOOD. 533 00:24:17,189 --> 00:24:19,191 BRING US THREE GLASSES OF ICED CHAMPAGNE. 534 00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:20,692 OF COURSE, COLONEL. 535 00:24:20,692 --> 00:24:23,194 THAT IS MOST GENEROUS OF YOU, COLONEL. 536 00:24:23,195 --> 00:24:25,697 PUT IT ON BERTORELLI'S ACCOUNT. 537 00:24:25,697 --> 00:24:26,698 NOT ON YOUR NELLY. 538 00:24:26,698 --> 00:24:28,199 YOU PAY FOR YOUR DRINKS, 539 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,201 I PAY FOR MINE. 540 00:24:29,201 --> 00:24:31,203 ( honking ) 541 00:24:31,203 --> 00:24:33,205 AH, SO, 542 00:24:33,205 --> 00:24:35,207 THIS IS HOW YOU SPEND YOUR TIME-- 543 00:24:35,207 --> 00:24:37,209 IDLING AWAY THE HOURS WHEN YOU SHOULD BE OUT 544 00:24:37,209 --> 00:24:39,711 SEARCHING HIGH AND LOW FOR MY MISSING PAINTING. 545 00:24:39,711 --> 00:24:41,212 GLAD TO SEE YOU, GENERAL. 546 00:24:41,213 --> 00:24:43,715 WE WERE JUST HOLDING A MEETING TO DISCUSS 547 00:24:43,715 --> 00:24:45,717 HOW TO TIGHTEN UP SECURITY IN THE VILLAGE. 548 00:24:45,717 --> 00:24:48,219 WELL, YOU CAN BEGIN BY EXPLAINING TO ME 549 00:24:48,220 --> 00:24:50,722 WHAT THAT ICE CREAM VAN IS DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SQUARE. 550 00:24:52,724 --> 00:24:55,226 IT LOOKS AS IF IT BELONGS TO RENE, 551 00:24:55,227 --> 00:24:57,229 WHO RUNS THE CAFE, GENERAL. 552 00:24:57,229 --> 00:24:58,230 WHO GAVE PERMISSION? 553 00:24:58,230 --> 00:25:00,232 DID YOU GIVE PERMISSION, GRUBER? 554 00:25:00,232 --> 00:25:01,733 NO. 555 00:25:01,733 --> 00:25:03,234 - DID YOU, BERTORELLI? - NO. 556 00:25:03,235 --> 00:25:05,237 WELL, I DIDN'T. 557 00:25:05,237 --> 00:25:07,739 THAT IS MOST LAX OF YOU, COLONEL. 558 00:25:07,739 --> 00:25:09,240 WE CANNOT HAVE UNAUTHORIZED ICE CREAM VANS 559 00:25:09,241 --> 00:25:10,742 PARKED IN THE SQUARE. 560 00:25:10,742 --> 00:25:12,744 WHAT IF A CONVOY WANTED TO COME THROUGH? 561 00:25:12,744 --> 00:25:14,746 SUMMON THE OWNER AT ONCE. 562 00:25:14,746 --> 00:25:17,248 GRUBER, ATTRACT RENE'S ATTENTION. 563 00:25:17,249 --> 00:25:20,752 YOO-HOO, RENE! 564 00:25:20,752 --> 00:25:22,754 CAN WE HAVE A WORD? 565 00:25:22,754 --> 00:25:26,257 OH MY GOD, THE LIEUTENANT IS WAVING TO ME. 566 00:25:26,258 --> 00:25:28,260 I WILL TRY TO KEEP THE GERMANS AWAY FROM HERE. 567 00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:30,262 COMING, LIEUTENANT. 568 00:25:30,262 --> 00:25:33,765 Alphonse: YVETTE, MIMI! 569 00:25:36,768 --> 00:25:38,269 WHERE IS RENE? 570 00:25:38,270 --> 00:25:41,273 HE HAS HAD TO GO TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER AT THE CAFE. 571 00:25:42,274 --> 00:25:43,775 GOOD AFTERNOON, GENERAL, 572 00:25:43,775 --> 00:25:45,276 COLONEL, LIEUTENANT, CAPTAIN. 573 00:25:45,277 --> 00:25:47,279 I HOPE EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT. 574 00:25:47,279 --> 00:25:48,780 WE DID NOT GIVE YOU 575 00:25:48,780 --> 00:25:50,782 PERMISSION TO SELL ICE CREAM, RENE. 576 00:25:50,782 --> 00:25:52,283 I AM SORRY, COLONEL. 577 00:25:52,284 --> 00:25:54,786 I THOUGHT THAT AS I HAD A LICENSE TO RUN A CAFE, 578 00:25:54,786 --> 00:25:56,788 THIS WAS WAS MERELY A SMALL EXTENSION OF THE BUSINESS. 579 00:25:56,788 --> 00:25:58,790 WE DID NOT MEAN TO BREAK ANY RULES. 580 00:25:58,790 --> 00:26:01,292 MILITARY REGULATIONS STRICTLY PROHIBIT 581 00:26:01,293 --> 00:26:02,794 THE SALE OF ANY FOODSTUFFS WITHOUT A PERMIT. 582 00:26:02,794 --> 00:26:04,295 I ASSURE YOU, GENERAL, 583 00:26:04,296 --> 00:26:06,298 THE ICE CREAM IS AS TASTY AS ANY OF THE FOOD 584 00:26:06,298 --> 00:26:07,799 WE SERVE IN THE CAFE. 585 00:26:07,799 --> 00:26:09,801 THAT'S NOT SAYING MUCH. 586 00:26:09,801 --> 00:26:12,303 ONLY THE ITALIANS CAN MAKE THE ICE CREAM. 587 00:26:12,304 --> 00:26:14,806 THAT'S ALL YOU'RE FIT FOR. 588 00:26:14,806 --> 00:26:17,308 WHERE DID YOU GET THE PETROL? 589 00:26:17,309 --> 00:26:18,810 IT IS RATIONED AND FOR MILITARY USE ONLY. 590 00:26:18,810 --> 00:26:21,312 IT DOES NOT USE PETROL, GENERAL. 591 00:26:21,313 --> 00:26:24,816 WE ARE ACTUALLY RUNNING IT ON FURNITURE POLISH. 592 00:26:24,816 --> 00:26:26,818 PFFT, YOU STILL DID NOT SEEK PERMISSION. 593 00:26:26,818 --> 00:26:28,820 OH, PLEASE, GENERAL. 594 00:26:28,820 --> 00:26:30,321 THE WEATHER IS SO WARM, 595 00:26:30,322 --> 00:26:31,823 WE THOUGHT YOUR MEN MIGHT LIKE 596 00:26:31,823 --> 00:26:33,825 SOME ICE CREAM WHEN THEY WERE OFF DUTY. 597 00:26:33,825 --> 00:26:35,827 HOW THOUGHTFUL OF YOU. 598 00:26:35,827 --> 00:26:38,329 IT REALLY IS VERY GOOD ICE CREAM, GENERAL. 599 00:26:39,831 --> 00:26:42,834 I AM NOT A MONSTER WHO WOULD FORBID THE SALE OF ICE CREAM. 600 00:26:42,834 --> 00:26:45,336 IF IT IS SO GOOD, PERHAPS WE SHOULD TRY SOME. 601 00:26:45,337 --> 00:26:47,339 NO-- PROBLEM, GENERAL. 602 00:26:49,841 --> 00:26:52,343 OH MY GOD, THE GERMANS ARE COMING THIS WAY. 603 00:26:52,344 --> 00:26:53,845 WE MUST WARN MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 604 00:26:53,845 --> 00:26:56,347 DO NOT FEAR, MESSIEURS. 605 00:26:56,348 --> 00:26:58,350 THE WINCH WILL HAVE YOU OUT IN A JIFFY. 606 00:26:58,350 --> 00:27:00,352 WHAT DID HE SAY, CARSTAIRS? 607 00:27:00,352 --> 00:27:02,354 NO IDEA, OLD BOY. 608 00:27:02,354 --> 00:27:04,356 DON'T SPEAK A WORD OF THE LANGUAGE. 609 00:27:04,356 --> 00:27:05,357 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, 610 00:27:05,357 --> 00:27:07,359 THE GERMANS, THE GERMANS! 611 00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:08,860 I'M ALMOST FINISHED. 612 00:27:08,860 --> 00:27:10,862 DO NOT BE IN SUCH A HURRY. 613 00:27:14,366 --> 00:27:16,868 THIS IS A VERY NOISY ENGINE. 614 00:27:16,868 --> 00:27:18,369 THE ICE MAKING MACHINERY 615 00:27:18,370 --> 00:27:20,372 IS ON ITS LAST LEGS, I AM AFRAID. 616 00:27:20,372 --> 00:27:22,374 WELL, WHAT SHALL WE HAVE? 617 00:27:22,374 --> 00:27:23,875 CORNETS ALL AROUND? 618 00:27:23,875 --> 00:27:25,877 AFTER YOU, GENERAL. 619 00:27:25,877 --> 00:27:29,380 YVETTE, AN ICE CREAM FOR GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN. 620 00:27:29,381 --> 00:27:30,882 YES, OF COURSE. 621 00:27:30,882 --> 00:27:32,884 MAKE IT THE BIGGEST ONE YOU HAVE. 622 00:27:47,399 --> 00:27:49,401 HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY? 623 00:27:50,402 --> 00:27:52,404 WOULD YOU LIKE A WAFER WITH IT? 624 00:27:53,905 --> 00:27:56,908 ( theme music playing )