1 00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:07,574 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:22,589 --> 00:00:25,091 AT LAST EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL HERE IN NOUVION, 3 00:00:25,091 --> 00:00:27,093 OR AS NORMAL AS POSSIBLE. 4 00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:29,595 I AND MY WIFE, EDITH, HAVE RETURNED SAFELY 5 00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:31,097 FROM OUR TRIP TO LONDON, 6 00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:33,599 WHERE WE HAD FLED TO AVOID BEING SHOT 7 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,101 BY THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE, 8 00:00:35,101 --> 00:00:37,103 WHO WERE CROSS THAT I WAS TO BE GIVEN 9 00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:39,605 A COLLABORATION MEDAL BY THE GERMANS. 10 00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:40,607 FORTUNATELY FOR US, 11 00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:43,109 THE GERMANS DECIDED NOT TO GIVE ME THE MEDAL, 12 00:00:43,109 --> 00:00:45,111 SO MY LIFE IS NOT IN DANGER. 13 00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:47,613 I DID NOT ENJOY MY SHORT TIME IN ENGLAND. 14 00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:50,617 I STILL HAVE INDIGESTION FROM THE TERRIBLE FOOD, 15 00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:53,119 PLUS SEVERAL PAIRS OF Y-FRONTS, 16 00:00:53,119 --> 00:00:54,620 FROM THE MARKS AND SPENCERS 17 00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:59,626 WHICH I SOON FOUND ARE A SIZE TOO SMALL. 18 00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:01,127 BUT THEN I SHOULD NOT BE SURPRISED. 19 00:01:01,127 --> 00:01:03,629 MY WIFE CHOSE THEM AND SHE HAS ALWAYS 20 00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:05,632 UNDERESTIMATED MY REQUIREMENTS. 21 00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:08,134 O-O-OH, 22 00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:12,138 RENE, I HAVE NOT YET HAD A PROPER CHANCE 23 00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:13,639 TO WELCOME YOU BACK. 24 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,642 THIS WOULD BE A GOOD MOMENT. 25 00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,644 OH! 26 00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:20,146 OH, RENE, I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU 27 00:01:20,146 --> 00:01:21,647 ON YOUR DANGEROUS TRIP TO ENGLAND. 28 00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:23,149 I LOOK INTO YOUR EYES, 29 00:01:23,149 --> 00:01:26,152 AND I SEE HOW MUCH YOU HAVE SUFFERED FROM THE JOURNEY. 30 00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:29,155 IT WAS TRAVELING IN THOSE TIGHT Y-FRONTS, 31 00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:30,656 BUT I AM RECOVERING. 32 00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:32,158 OH, RENE, 33 00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:34,660 MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A FEVER. 34 00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:35,662 CAN YOU NOT FEEL 35 00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:37,664 I HAVE GONE LIMP ALL OVER? 36 00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:40,166 I HOPE IT IS NOTHING CONTAGIOUS. 37 00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:43,669 RENE! 38 00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:44,671 WHAT ARE YOU DOING 39 00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:46,673 HOLDING THAT SERVANT GIRL IN YOUR ARMS? 40 00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:49,676 YOU STUPID WOMAN! 41 00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:51,177 CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS POOR CHILD 42 00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:53,179 IS SUFFERING FROM DELAYED SHOCK? 43 00:01:53,179 --> 00:01:55,181 SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD LOST YOU FOREVER. 44 00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:56,682 ME? 45 00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:57,684 YES, YOU. 46 00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:59,185 YOU ARE LIKE A MOTHER TO HER. 47 00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:01,187 SHE MODELS HERSELF ON YOU. 48 00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:02,688 IF SHE HAD STRINGIER HAIR, 49 00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,691 SHE WOULD DO IT LIKE YOURS. 50 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,193 AND NOW YOU ARE BACK, 51 00:02:07,193 --> 00:02:09,695 SHE IS OVERCOME WITH EMOTION AND RELIEF. 52 00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:11,698 OH, THIS IS TRUE. 53 00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:14,200 OH, HOW THOUGHTLESS I AM. 54 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,702 GO UP AND LIE DOWN ON MY BED, 55 00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:19,205 AND PUT A DROP OF MY COLOGNE ON YOUR BROW. 56 00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:21,207 OH, THANK YOU, MAMMA, 57 00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:23,209 I MEAN MADAM EDITH. 58 00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:25,711 OH, RENE, FORGIVE ME. 59 00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:27,714 I AM NOT MYSELF TODAY. 60 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:30,717 MY BUNION IS GIVING ME GYP. 61 00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:34,220 IT ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN I AM UNDER A STRAIN. 62 00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:36,222 OH, RENE, HOLD ME. 63 00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:43,229 HOBBLE HERE FOR A HUG, COME ON. 64 00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:45,732 RENE, 65 00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:47,734 I HAVE GOOD NEWS. 66 00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:50,236 OFFICER CRABTREE HAS FOUND THE BRITISH AIRMEN. 67 00:02:50,236 --> 00:02:51,737 THEY WERE HIDING IN A PIGSTY. 68 00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:53,239 WHAT ABOUT THE SMELL? 69 00:02:53,239 --> 00:02:56,742 I EXPECT THE PIGS GOT USED TO IT. 70 00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:58,244 LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY, 71 00:02:58,244 --> 00:03:00,246 I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE. 72 00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:02,748 WE HAVE A NEW PLAN TO GET THE BRITISH AIRMEN BACK TO ENGLAND. 73 00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:04,250 OH, NOT ANOTHER ONE? 74 00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:05,751 WE ARE GOING TO BUILD A RAFT 75 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,253 FOR THEM TO SAIL ACROSS THE CHANNEL. 76 00:03:07,253 --> 00:03:09,255 FOR A RAFT YOU NEED THE TRUNKS OF TREES. 77 00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:10,756 THE WOODS ARE OUT OF BOUNDS. 78 00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:11,758 AND ANYONE SEEN WALKING AROUND 79 00:03:11,758 --> 00:03:13,760 WITH A CHOPPER OVER HIS SHOULDER 80 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:14,761 WOULD AROUSE SUSPICION. 81 00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:17,764 THIS IS TRUE. 82 00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:18,765 WE SHALL NOT GO TO THE WOODS. 83 00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:20,767 ALREADY MY RESISTANCE GIRLS 84 00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:22,769 HAVE SAWN HALFWAY THROUGH SIX TELEGRAPH POLES. 85 00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:24,270 WHEN IT IS DARK, WE WILL GO OUT 86 00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:26,272 AND PULL THEM DOWN, AND BUILD THE RAFT. 87 00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:27,773 AND COINCIDENTALLY, 88 00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:30,276 SEVERELY DAMAGE GERMAN COMMUNICATION LINES. 89 00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:33,279 OOH, I HAVE A TWINGE IN MY BUNION. 90 00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:35,781 HER BUNION DOES NOT LIKE THIS PLAN. 91 00:03:37,784 --> 00:03:39,285 GOOD MOANING. 92 00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,789 I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRINGING THE BRITISH AIRMEN? 93 00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:45,792 I AM CHOCKING TO SEE IF THE KISSED IS KLOOR. 94 00:03:47,794 --> 00:03:49,796 I SEE THAT WE ARE ALOON. 95 00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,297 YOU HAVE NOT LEFT THEM IN THE OPEN 96 00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:53,299 OUTSIDE MY CAFE, HAVE YOU? 97 00:03:53,299 --> 00:03:54,800 DO NOT WIRRY, RONNIE. 98 00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:57,804 I HAVE BRUTE THEM FROM THE POGSTEE 99 00:03:57,804 --> 00:04:00,807 IN A WOODEN COAT PULLED BY A DINKEY. 100 00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:03,309 WOODEN CART, DONKEY. 101 00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:04,810 I GOT THAT. 102 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:08,815 THEY ARE DISGEESED AS SOCKS OF POTOOTOES. 103 00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:10,817 OH, THAT IS A GOOD DISGUISE. 104 00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:12,819 WE ALWAYS NEED POTOOTOOS, 105 00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:14,821 I MEAN POTATOES. 106 00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,322 GET THEM IN. 107 00:04:16,322 --> 00:04:17,823 COME IN HERE, CHAPS. 108 00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,830 I MEANT CARRY THEM IN, 109 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:25,331 SACKS OF POTATOES DO NOT USUALLY 110 00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:27,333 STROLL IN HERE TO BE PEELED. 111 00:04:27,333 --> 00:04:29,335 - HELLO. - HELLO. 112 00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:31,837 OOH, WHAT A PONG! 113 00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:34,340 THEY STILL HAVE A LOT OF POGSTEE ON THEM. 114 00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:36,342 THEY CANNOT STAY HERE IN THAT CONDITION. 115 00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,344 LOOK AT THE MESS THEY ARE MAKING. 116 00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:39,845 ASK THE GIRLS TO BOIL SOME WATER 117 00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:41,848 AND GET THE STRONGEST DISINFECTANT THEY CAN FIND. 118 00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:43,349 TO WASH THE FLOOR? 119 00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:44,850 NO, TO WASH THE AIRMEN. 120 00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:46,352 WHAT ARE THEY GOING ON ABOUT? 121 00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:47,353 I HAVE NO IDEA. 122 00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:48,854 THEY ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU A BATH, CHAPS, 123 00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:50,356 TO GET ALL THAT PIGGY STUFF OFF. 124 00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:51,857 OH, SPLENDID! 125 00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:53,359 BAGS, I THE END WITHOUT THE TAPS. 126 00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:55,361 YOU'LL HAVE TO BE QUICK. 127 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,236 ( duck call blows ) 128 00:05:04,737 --> 00:05:06,238 ( blows ) 129 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,241 Helga: HERR FLICK? 130 00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:09,742 HERR FLICK, I'M HERE. 131 00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,745 CAN YOU HEAR ME? 132 00:05:12,745 --> 00:05:15,247 ( blows ) 133 00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:19,752 AH, HELGA. 134 00:05:19,752 --> 00:05:21,253 IT WAS NOT VERY CLEVER OF YOU 135 00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:23,756 TO CHOOSE THE MATING CALL OF A WILD GOOSE 136 00:05:23,756 --> 00:05:25,257 IN YOUR SECRET MESSAGE TO ME 137 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:26,759 TO SIGNAL YOUR ARRIVAL. 138 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:31,263 WILD GEESE HAVE BEEN MATING ALL DAY. 139 00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:33,766 OUR KNEES ARE RAW FROM SCRABBLING 140 00:05:33,766 --> 00:05:35,768 UP THIS ROUGH MONASTERY WALL. 141 00:05:35,768 --> 00:05:36,769 FORGIVE ME, HERR FLICK, 142 00:05:36,769 --> 00:05:38,771 I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THE MATING SEASON. 143 00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:40,272 NEXT TIME, 144 00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:43,276 CONSULT YOUR GIRL GUIDE DIARY. 145 00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:44,777 COME, VON SMALLHAUSEN, 146 00:05:44,777 --> 00:05:45,778 WE MUST LEAVE 147 00:05:45,778 --> 00:05:48,781 THIS MONASTIC EXISTENCE BEHIND. 148 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:50,282 DO YOU WANT A HAND, HERR FLICK? 149 00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:52,785 NO, AVERT YOUR EYES. 150 00:05:54,787 --> 00:05:56,789 ( two thuds ) 151 00:05:56,789 --> 00:05:58,290 QUICK, WHERE IS THE GETAWAY VEHICLE? 152 00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:01,294 I COULD NOT GET A CAR, SO I BROUGHT THIS INSTEAD. 153 00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:06,299 THIS IS MOST UNSATISFACTORY. 154 00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:08,301 THE GESTAPO ARE NOT USED TO ESCAPING 155 00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:09,802 ON A THREE-WHEELED TANDEM. 156 00:06:09,802 --> 00:06:11,303 WE WILL BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK 157 00:06:11,304 --> 00:06:12,805 OF THE WHOLE GERMAN ARMY. 158 00:06:12,805 --> 00:06:14,306 OH, HERR FLICK, 159 00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:16,309 WHAT TERRIBLE HARDSHIPS 160 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:17,810 YOU MUST HAVE SUFFERED IN THERE. 161 00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:20,312 WE HAVE SUFFERED MANY DEPRIVATIONS. 162 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:21,814 WE WERE ONLY ALLOWED 163 00:06:21,814 --> 00:06:23,315 TO KEEP OUR BARE NECESSITIES. 164 00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,318 WE NEARLY LOST THOSE A COUPLE OF TIMES. 165 00:06:26,819 --> 00:06:29,822 THAT WAS BECAUSE OF YOUR POOR NEEDLEWORK. 166 00:06:29,822 --> 00:06:32,324 GO AND SIT ON THE TRICYCLE. 167 00:06:34,827 --> 00:06:36,829 MAY I WELCOME YOU BACK WITH A KISS? 168 00:06:36,829 --> 00:06:37,830 VERY WELL, 169 00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:39,832 BUT MAKE IT A QUICK ONE. 170 00:06:39,832 --> 00:06:40,833 WE MAY BE MISSED. 171 00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:43,836 WE ARE PLAYING HOOKY FROM JAM MAKING. 172 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,342 WHAT SHAME! WHAT INFAMY! 173 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:50,843 A MEMBER OF OUR HOLY ORDER 174 00:06:50,843 --> 00:06:52,344 CONSORTING WITH A WOMAN. 175 00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:54,347 YOU WILL BE SCOURGED FOR THIS, BROTHER OTTO. 176 00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:56,849 OH, NOT THE SCOURGING! 177 00:06:56,849 --> 00:06:59,351 TO OUR GETAWAY TRICYCLE, AND QUICKLY. 178 00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:02,855 COME BACK, YOU SINNERS! 179 00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:04,356 YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR THIS! 180 00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:07,360 NOT ON YOUR NELLY! 181 00:07:10,863 --> 00:07:12,865 IF WE SOAK MUCH LONGER IN HERE, 182 00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:14,867 I AM GOING TO SHRIVEL UP. 183 00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:16,368 HAVE YOU SEEN THE SOAP? 184 00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:17,870 IT WAS HERE A SECOND AGO. 185 00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:19,371 IF YOU HADN'T INSISTED ON PUTTING 186 00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:21,374 BAKING POWDER IN TO MAKE SOME BUBBLES, 187 00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:23,376 WE WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE IT. 188 00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:24,377 AH! GOT IT. 189 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:26,879 I DON'T THINK SO, OLD CHAP. 190 00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:31,884 WELL, WHAT HAVE I GOT THEN? 191 00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:35,888 OH, THE LOOFAH. 192 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,393 IT'S NOT VERY PRIVATE IN HERE, IS IT? 193 00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:41,894 IT WOULD BE A LOT LESS PRIVATE 194 00:07:41,894 --> 00:07:42,895 WITHOUT THIS BAKING POWDER. 195 00:07:42,895 --> 00:07:45,397 RENE HAS GIVEN ME ORDERS 196 00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:46,899 TO GET YOU CLEAN. 197 00:07:46,899 --> 00:07:48,901 HERE. I HEAR THE ENGLISH 198 00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:50,402 HATE TO TAKE A BATH. 199 00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:52,905 YOU TAKE THE ONE WITH THE SPOTTY BACK, 200 00:07:52,905 --> 00:07:55,407 AND I'LL TAKE THE ONE WITH THE BOIL ON HIS BUM. 201 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:56,909 WHAT DID SHE SAY? 202 00:07:56,909 --> 00:07:59,411 I THINK THEY'RE GOING TO SCRUB THE FLOOR. 203 00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:00,413 FUNNY TIME TO DO IT. 204 00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:02,915 YEAH. OOH, AH! GET OFF! 205 00:08:02,915 --> 00:08:04,416 I THINK WE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF 206 00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:05,918 IN THE PIGSTY, CARSTAIRS. 207 00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:07,419 OH, I DON'T KNOW. 208 00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:11,624 LOOK AT THIS POSTER I FOUND IN THE MAIN SQUARE. 209 00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:13,125 IT IS AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE! 210 00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:16,628 YES, THE WRITING IS RATHER BAD. 211 00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:18,130 QUITE INDISTINCT IN PLACES. 212 00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:20,132 I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE HANDWRITING, 213 00:08:20,132 --> 00:08:21,633 LOOK AT THE CONTENT! 214 00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:30,142 DASH IT, THESE ARE MY TANK DRIVING SPECTACLES. 215 00:08:30,142 --> 00:08:32,144 YOU'D BETTER READ IT, GRUBER. 216 00:08:32,144 --> 00:08:34,146 JUST A MOMENT, WHILE I MAKE A NOTE. 217 00:08:34,146 --> 00:08:36,148 COLONEL TO RETAKE TANK DRIVING TEST 218 00:08:36,148 --> 00:08:38,150 AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. 219 00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:39,151 CARRY ON, GRUBER. 220 00:08:39,151 --> 00:08:42,154 "THE RESISTANCE CALLS ON ALL LOYAL CITIZENS 221 00:08:42,154 --> 00:08:44,656 TO HAMPER THE EFFORTS OF THE ACCURSED BOCHE--" 222 00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:47,159 ( chuckles ) 223 00:08:47,159 --> 00:08:50,662 "-- AND MAKE THE LIFE OF THE OCCUPYING ARMY IN NOUVION 224 00:08:50,663 --> 00:08:52,665 AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE." 225 00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:53,666 WHAT CHEEK. 226 00:08:53,666 --> 00:08:55,167 "SUGGESTIONS: 227 00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:58,670 PUT ITCHING POWDER IN THEIR WASHING, 228 00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:00,172 WATER IN THEIR PETROL, 229 00:09:00,172 --> 00:09:01,673 GARLIC IN THEIR STRUDEL, 230 00:09:01,674 --> 00:09:03,676 AND TIN TACKS ON THE ROADS, 231 00:09:03,676 --> 00:09:05,177 AND WHENEVER POSSIBLE, 232 00:09:05,177 --> 00:09:07,179 DROP A BRICK ON THEIR HEADS." 233 00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:11,183 AND I THOUGHT THEY ALL LOVED ME. 234 00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:15,187 "COMRADES, WE MUST SHOW THAT FAT PIG OF A COLONEL--" 235 00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:17,690 EXCUSE ME, COLONEL, 236 00:09:17,690 --> 00:09:19,191 BUT I AM ONLY READING WHAT IT SAYS. 237 00:09:19,191 --> 00:09:20,692 CONTINUE. 238 00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:23,195 "-- AND THAT PONCING, LITTLE TANK DRIVING, 239 00:09:23,195 --> 00:09:25,197 TWIT OF A SIDEKICK--" 240 00:09:27,199 --> 00:09:29,201 WHOEVER THAT MAY BE. 241 00:09:29,201 --> 00:09:30,702 IS YOU. 242 00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:32,204 THERE ARE LOTS OF TANKS! 243 00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:33,705 READ ON AND STOP ARGUING. 244 00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:36,709 "-- AND FINALLY, WE MUST ALSO SHOW 245 00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:38,711 THAT OVER-MEDALED ITALIAN CHICKEN 246 00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:40,713 THAT WE MEAN BUSINESS." 247 00:09:40,713 --> 00:09:42,214 THAT MEANS YOU. 248 00:09:42,214 --> 00:09:44,216 LOOK, I AM SEETHING WITH ANGER. 249 00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:46,218 SEE MY MUSTACHE? IT BRISTLES. 250 00:09:46,218 --> 00:09:47,719 EVERY MEDALLION ON MY CHEST 251 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,221 WAS WON WITH A BRAVE DEED. 252 00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:50,222 HAVE YOU FINISHED? 253 00:09:50,222 --> 00:09:52,224 NO, I STAMP MY FOOT. 254 00:09:52,224 --> 00:09:55,227 I HURT MY LEG. 255 00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:57,229 THIS RUBBISH CLEARLY UNDERMINES 256 00:09:57,229 --> 00:09:59,731 THE EFFORTS OF THE OCCUPYING FORCES. 257 00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:01,734 THERE IS EVEN A SCURRILOUS CARTOON OF ME 258 00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:03,235 ON THE REVERSE SIDE. 259 00:10:03,235 --> 00:10:04,236 ( giggles ) 260 00:10:07,239 --> 00:10:09,741 NO, I THINK YOU ARE MISTAKEN, GENERAL. 261 00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:12,745 IT'S A LADY IN SUSPENDERS WITH A SPIKED HELMET. 262 00:10:12,745 --> 00:10:14,246 THE CAPTION, READ THE CAPTION. 263 00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:20,252 ( laughs ) "VON KINKYHOFFEN." 264 00:10:21,253 --> 00:10:22,754 IT'S OUTRAGEOUS. 265 00:10:25,257 --> 00:10:27,759 DID YOU WISH TO SAY SOMETHING, CAPTAIN BERTORELLI? 266 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:28,761 NO. 267 00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:29,762 THEN SHUT UP! 268 00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:31,263 ( laughing ) 269 00:10:31,263 --> 00:10:32,764 WE MUST BEAT THE RESISTANCE 270 00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:34,767 AT THEIR OWN GAME. 271 00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:37,770 WE SHALL REVIVE THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER 272 00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:38,771 THAT WE CLOSED AT THE BEGINNING 273 00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:39,772 OF THE OCCUPATION, 274 00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:42,775 AND USE IT FOR OUR OWN PROPAGANDA PURPOSES. 275 00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:44,777 EXCELLENT IDEA, GENERAL. 276 00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:47,780 AH, BUT IT MUST NOT BE TOO OBVIOUSLY PROPAGANDA. 277 00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,282 WE NEED A FRENCHMAN TO EDIT THE PAPER. 278 00:10:50,282 --> 00:10:51,783 THAT WILL GIVE IT CREDENCE 279 00:10:51,784 --> 00:10:53,285 IN THE EYES OF THE VILLAGERS. 280 00:10:53,285 --> 00:10:54,786 ANOTHER GOOD IDEA. 281 00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:57,289 ANY SUGGESTIONS? 282 00:10:57,289 --> 00:11:00,292 WELL, THERE'S RENE FROM THE CAFE. 283 00:11:00,292 --> 00:11:02,294 AH, THE FELLOW WHO ALMOST GOT 284 00:11:02,294 --> 00:11:04,296 THE COLLABORATION MEDAL. 285 00:11:04,296 --> 00:11:05,797 EXCELLENT, GRUBER. 286 00:11:05,798 --> 00:11:07,800 DO YOU HAVE HIS CONFIDENCE? 287 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:11,804 WE DO HOBNOB FROM TIME TO TIME. 288 00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:13,305 REALLY? 289 00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:14,806 CONTACT HIM IMMEDIATELY. 290 00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:16,308 - HEIL HITLER. - HEIL HITLER. 291 00:11:16,308 --> 00:11:17,809 HEIL MUSSOLINI. 292 00:11:17,810 --> 00:11:19,812 DON'T BE SILLY. 293 00:11:19,812 --> 00:11:20,813 ( laughing ) 294 00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:23,315 VON KINKYHOFFEN. 295 00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:25,817 IT'S A WONDERFUL LIKENESS. 296 00:11:25,818 --> 00:11:27,820 REGARDING THE POSTER, 297 00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:30,322 ANYONE CAUGHT LAUGHING AT IT 298 00:11:30,322 --> 00:11:31,323 WILL BE SHOT. 299 00:11:31,323 --> 00:11:32,824 WHEN HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME 300 00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:34,827 IN SUSPENDERS WITH A SPIKED HELMET? 301 00:11:36,328 --> 00:11:38,330 I THINK THE LAST TIME WAS AT THE STAFF COLLEGE DANCE. 302 00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:43,335 YOUR HEALTH AND EFFICIENCY MAGAZINE 303 00:11:43,335 --> 00:11:44,836 HAS JUST ARRIVED, HERR FLICK. 304 00:11:44,837 --> 00:11:47,840 A SPECIAL ISSUE WITH A CENTERFOLD PULLOUT 305 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,342 OF A RHINE MAIDEN UNADORNED. 306 00:11:50,342 --> 00:11:52,344 SHALL I PULL IT OUT, HERR FLICK? 307 00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:53,845 YOU WILL PULL IT OUT 308 00:11:53,846 --> 00:11:55,347 AT YOUR PERIL, VON SMALLHAUSEN. 309 00:11:55,347 --> 00:11:58,350 ONLY SENIOR GESTAPO OFFICERS 310 00:11:58,350 --> 00:11:59,851 WITH IRON CONTROL 311 00:11:59,852 --> 00:12:00,853 ARE ALLOWED TO GAZE 312 00:12:00,853 --> 00:12:03,355 AT UNADORNED RHINE MAIDENS. 313 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:11,363 EXTREMELY AVERAGE. 314 00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:13,365 NEVERTHELESS, 315 00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:14,866 I MUST TELEPHONE 316 00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:16,368 FOR THE RHINE MAIDEN CALENDAR. 317 00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:18,370 SHE WILL BE BIGGER IN THAT. 318 00:12:19,371 --> 00:12:21,373 I CAN HEAR NOTHING. 319 00:12:21,373 --> 00:12:23,375 WE ARE SEVERED FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD. 320 00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:25,877 THAT IS BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT PAID THE BILL, 321 00:12:27,379 --> 00:12:29,381 AND THE PETTY CASH BOX IS EMPTY. 322 00:12:29,381 --> 00:12:30,382 HOW CAN THIS BE? 323 00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:31,883 I THINK YOU TOOK THE LAST OF IT 324 00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:34,386 TO BUY THAT SILK UNDERWEAR FOR HELGA, HERR FLICK. 325 00:12:34,386 --> 00:12:36,388 YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT. 326 00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:38,890 MY LIPS ARE SEALED, I PROMISE. 327 00:12:38,891 --> 00:12:42,394 WE MUST RING BERLIN AND ASK MY GODFATHER, 328 00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:43,395 HEINRICH HIMMLER, 329 00:12:43,395 --> 00:12:45,397 TO SEND MORE MONEY IMMEDIATELY. 330 00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:48,400 BUT HOW CAN YOU RING HIM IF THE PHONE IS CUT OFF? 331 00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:51,904 WE SHALL USE OUR SPECIAL GESTAPO 332 00:12:51,904 --> 00:12:54,907 PHONE TAPPING EQUIPMENT IN THIS CUPBOARD, 333 00:12:54,907 --> 00:12:57,910 AND TAP INTO THE LINE OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE. 334 00:12:57,910 --> 00:13:00,412 YOU HAVE AN ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING, HERR FLICK. 335 00:13:00,412 --> 00:13:01,413 OF COURSE. 336 00:13:02,915 --> 00:13:05,417 IT WAS NOT POSSIBLY A GOOD IDEA 337 00:13:05,417 --> 00:13:07,419 TO BUY HELGA THAT SILK UNDERWEAR, 338 00:13:07,419 --> 00:13:08,420 HERR FLICK. 339 00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,922 RAYON WOULD HAVE BEEN CHEAPER. 340 00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:13,425 YOU SAID YOUR LIPS WERE SEALED. 341 00:13:13,425 --> 00:13:14,926 YOU HAVE BROKEN YOUR PROMISE. 342 00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:17,429 PASS THE FIRST AID BOX. 343 00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:25,437 COMPRESS YOUR MOUTH. 344 00:13:26,438 --> 00:13:27,939 STEP FORWARD. 345 00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:29,942 THERE. 346 00:13:29,942 --> 00:13:32,444 THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO KEEP YOUR WORD. 347 00:13:32,444 --> 00:13:34,446 DO NOT REMOVE IT, UNDERSTAND? 348 00:13:34,446 --> 00:13:36,948 ( mumbles ) 349 00:13:36,949 --> 00:13:38,450 I SAID, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" 350 00:13:40,452 --> 00:13:41,953 YES, HERR FLICK. 351 00:13:41,954 --> 00:13:44,957 DO NOT REMOVE IT. REPLASTER YOURSELF. 352 00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:48,960 THAT IS BETTER. 353 00:13:50,963 --> 00:13:53,598 NOW, RENE, THOSE ARE MY ORDERS. 354 00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:55,601 HOW DO YOU FEEL 355 00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:57,603 ABOUT RUNNING A NEWSPAPER? 356 00:13:57,603 --> 00:13:59,605 WORRIED, WHICH IS NOT UNUSUAL. 357 00:13:59,605 --> 00:14:01,607 MIMI, MORE WINE. 358 00:14:01,607 --> 00:14:03,108 WHEN I WAS YOUNG, 359 00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:05,610 I WAS A REPORTER ON A PAPER. 360 00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:07,613 I COULD GIVE HIM VALUABLE ASSISTANCE. 361 00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:09,114 AH, NOW THAT IS A GOOD IDEA. 362 00:14:09,114 --> 00:14:10,615 MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE THE EDITOR? 363 00:14:10,616 --> 00:14:12,618 NO, NO, RENE, IT IS YOUR JOB, 364 00:14:12,618 --> 00:14:13,619 I INSIST. 365 00:14:13,619 --> 00:14:16,121 NOW, WE HAVE TO DECIDE 366 00:14:16,121 --> 00:14:18,623 WHAT WE ARE GOING TO PUT IN THE PAPER. 367 00:14:18,624 --> 00:14:20,626 OF COURSE, THE MAIN STORY 368 00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:23,128 IS HOW WE ARE WINNING THE WAR. 369 00:14:23,128 --> 00:14:25,130 WHAT A LOAD OF COBBLERS. 370 00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:27,632 I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH THIS EXPRESSION. 371 00:14:27,633 --> 00:14:30,636 SHE AGREES, BUT WITH SLIGHT RESERVATIONS. 372 00:14:32,137 --> 00:14:35,140 NOW, TO BE A GOOD EDITOR, 373 00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:37,142 ONE MUST NEVER LET THE FACTS 374 00:14:37,142 --> 00:14:39,144 GET IN THE WAY OF A GOOD STORY. 375 00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:41,146 I NEVER DID. 376 00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:43,148 NATURALLY, THERE WILL BE AN ARTICLE 377 00:14:43,148 --> 00:14:45,150 ON MEMBERS OF THE GARRISON, 378 00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:47,652 TO GIVE THEM A HUMAN FACE. 379 00:14:47,653 --> 00:14:50,155 I HAVE SOME PICTURES HERE BY CHANCE 380 00:14:50,155 --> 00:14:51,656 ON MY PERSON. 381 00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:53,659 THIS IS ME BEFORE THE WAR. 382 00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:55,160 OH. EH? 383 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,662 OH, WHAT A PRETTY LITTLE BOY. 384 00:14:57,663 --> 00:15:00,165 AND WHAT SMART HIKING SHORTS. 385 00:15:00,165 --> 00:15:02,167 AND THIS IS MY FATHER, 386 00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:04,669 HE WAS VERY KEEN ON CAMPING. 387 00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:09,174 WELL, YOU CERTAINLY TAKE AFTER HIM. 388 00:15:09,174 --> 00:15:11,176 THEN, WHEN I WAS OLDER, 389 00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:13,678 I BECAME AN APPRENTICE WINDOW DRESSER. 390 00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:16,682 THIS IS MY FIRST WINDOW. 391 00:15:16,682 --> 00:15:21,687 AH, HOW APPROPRIATE-- CAMPING EQUIPMENT. 392 00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:23,188 THEN THE WAR CAME, 393 00:15:23,188 --> 00:15:25,190 AND SUDDENLY I WAS ON THE RUSSIAN FRONT. 394 00:15:26,191 --> 00:15:28,693 IN THE SNOW, CAMPING. 395 00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:31,196 WHAT A VARIED LIFE YOU HAVE LED. 396 00:15:31,196 --> 00:15:32,197 YES, INDEED. 397 00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:33,198 WELL, I WILL MAKE SURE 398 00:15:33,198 --> 00:15:35,200 YOU GET A NICE WRITE UP, LIEUTENANT. 399 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,203 I KNEW THAT I COULD RELY ON YOU. 400 00:15:38,203 --> 00:15:41,206 NOW, GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN 401 00:15:41,206 --> 00:15:44,709 INSISTS THAT WE SHOW HOW HAPPY THE FRENCH ARE 402 00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:46,712 UNDER GERMAN RULE. 403 00:15:46,712 --> 00:15:48,213 ANY SUGGESTIONS? 404 00:15:48,213 --> 00:15:50,215 WE COULD TAKE A PHOTO OF YOU AND RENE 405 00:15:50,215 --> 00:15:51,216 SOCIALIZING. 406 00:15:51,216 --> 00:15:53,718 I CANNOT PUT MYSELF IN THE PAPER. 407 00:15:53,719 --> 00:15:56,221 HOW ABOUT A PHOTOGRAPH 408 00:15:56,221 --> 00:15:58,723 OF NOUVION'S HAPPIEST MARRIED COUPLE? 409 00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:01,226 BUT RENE DOES NOT WANT TO BE IN THE PAPER. 410 00:16:01,226 --> 00:16:02,727 Alphonse: NO, NO, NO, NO. 411 00:16:02,728 --> 00:16:04,229 I WAS REFERRING TO MADAME FANNY 412 00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:05,230 AND MONSIEUR LECLERC, 413 00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:07,232 OUR HAPPIEST HONEYMOONERS. 414 00:16:07,232 --> 00:16:09,734 WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA. 415 00:16:09,735 --> 00:16:12,237 MAMMA WILL BE DELIGHTED TO BE IN THE NEWS. 416 00:16:12,237 --> 00:16:14,739 I WILL GO UPSTAIRS AND MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL. 417 00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:17,242 WE CANNOT HOLD THE FRONT PAGE FOREVER, EDITH. 418 00:16:19,745 --> 00:16:22,247 NOW THAT WE THREE MEN ARE ALONE, 419 00:16:22,247 --> 00:16:23,748 SHOULD WE NOT, PERHAPS, 420 00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:25,250 DISCUSS THE QUESTION 421 00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,752 OF A LIGHTLY CLAD YOUNG LADY 422 00:16:27,753 --> 00:16:31,256 IN BETWEEN PAGES TWO AND FOUR? 423 00:16:32,758 --> 00:16:35,761 WHAT PURPOSE WOULD THAT SERVE? 424 00:16:36,762 --> 00:16:38,764 WHEN I WAS A YOUNG REPORTER, 425 00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:40,766 KNOWN AS "FLASHBULB ALPHONSE," 426 00:16:40,766 --> 00:16:44,269 IT WAS CUSTOMARY TO HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH 427 00:16:44,269 --> 00:16:46,271 OF A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY IN THE PAPER 428 00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:47,772 TO KEEP INTEREST GOING. 429 00:16:47,773 --> 00:16:49,775 NOT IN THE PAPERS I READ. 430 00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:52,277 I HAVE HERE 431 00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:54,279 A FEW PHOTOGRAPHS 432 00:16:54,279 --> 00:16:56,281 OF PREVIOUS... 433 00:16:56,281 --> 00:16:58,783 ...BEAUTY QUEENS OF NOUVION. 434 00:17:02,287 --> 00:17:04,789 THEY STILL HAVE THEIR ORIGINAL CAPTIONS. 435 00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:10,796 MISS TOP OF THE MILK, 1918. 436 00:17:10,796 --> 00:17:12,798 THE NOUVION FIREMAN'S DAUGHTER 437 00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:14,800 WHO SENDS TEMPERATURES SOARING. 438 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,803 SHE APPEARS TO BE A DAB HAND WITH A HOSE PIPE. 439 00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:20,806 YOU CANNOT PUT PICTURES LIKE THIS 440 00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:22,307 IN THE PAPER, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 441 00:17:22,307 --> 00:17:24,809 APART FROM WHICH, BY NOW, THE MILK WILL HAVE CURDLED. 442 00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:26,311 I THINK, LIEUTENANT, 443 00:17:26,311 --> 00:17:27,812 THAT IF WE ARE GOING TO HAVE PICTURES, 444 00:17:27,813 --> 00:17:29,314 IT SHOULD BE THE HONEYMOON COUPLE 445 00:17:29,314 --> 00:17:30,815 AND THE COLONEL ON PAGE THREE. 446 00:17:30,816 --> 00:17:32,317 AS ALWAYS, RENE, 447 00:17:32,317 --> 00:17:34,819 YOU HAVE IMPECCABLE TASTE. 448 00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:37,823 I FEEL THE INTEGRITY OF THIS NEWSPAPER 449 00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:39,324 IS ASSURED 450 00:17:39,324 --> 00:17:41,326 WITH YOUR HAND ON THE TILLER. 451 00:17:41,326 --> 00:17:43,328 THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT. 452 00:17:43,328 --> 00:17:45,330 I MUST GO AND TELL THE COLONEL 453 00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:46,331 OF OUR PROGRESS. 454 00:17:47,332 --> 00:17:50,335 THESE PROPAGANDA PAMPHLETS 455 00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:51,336 WILL GIVE YOU A GOOD IDEA 456 00:17:51,336 --> 00:17:53,838 OF HOW THE WAR IS GOING. 457 00:17:53,839 --> 00:17:55,340 AS YOU SAID, LIEUTENANT, 458 00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:57,342 WE MUST NOT LET FACTS 459 00:17:57,342 --> 00:17:58,843 GET IN THE WAY OF A GOOD STORY. 460 00:17:58,844 --> 00:17:59,845 QUITE. 461 00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:01,847 PSST, RENE. 462 00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:03,849 I MUST HAVE A WORD WITH YOU. 463 00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:05,851 WHAT? 464 00:18:05,851 --> 00:18:07,352 I HAVE HEARD THAT THE GERMANS 465 00:18:07,352 --> 00:18:09,854 HAVE REOPENED THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER WITH YOU AS EDITOR. 466 00:18:09,855 --> 00:18:11,356 WHEN DID YOU HEAR THIS? 467 00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:14,359 WHEN I WAS STANDING BEHIND THE DOOR. 468 00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:15,360 THIS IS TRUE, 469 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,362 BUT LIEUTENANT GRUBER IS REALLY IN CHARGE. 470 00:18:17,362 --> 00:18:19,864 BUT IT WAS SO CLEVER OF YOU TO AGREE TO HELP. 471 00:18:19,865 --> 00:18:21,867 NOW THAT THE PRESSES ARE ABOUT TO ROLL, 472 00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:23,869 WE CAN USE THEM TO PRINT A SECRET 473 00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:25,871 UNDERGROUND NEWSPAPER FOR THE RESISTANCE, 474 00:18:25,871 --> 00:18:28,373 CALLING ON ALL FRANCE TO STAND UP TO THE AGGRESSORS. 475 00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:30,875 ARE YOU MAD? YOU WILL GET US ALL SHOT. 476 00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:31,877 MONSIEUR, 477 00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:33,378 YOU ARE IN GREAT DANGER 478 00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:34,879 OF RECEIVING THE WHITE FEATHER. 479 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,882 SEND AS MANY AS YOU LIKE, 480 00:18:36,882 --> 00:18:38,884 MY PILLOW CAN ALWAYS USE THEM. 481 00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:40,886 LOOK, I WOULD LIKE TO HELP, 482 00:18:40,886 --> 00:18:42,888 BUT I CANNOT ENDANGER THE WOMAN I LOVE. 483 00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:45,891 NOT TO MENTION HIS WIFE. 484 00:18:45,891 --> 00:18:47,392 IF YOU DO NOT HELP US, 485 00:18:47,392 --> 00:18:48,893 I WILL PUT A POSTER IN THE TOWN SQUARE 486 00:18:48,894 --> 00:18:50,395 SAYING YOU ARE A COLLABORATOR. 487 00:18:50,395 --> 00:18:51,896 WHEN DO I START? 488 00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:54,399 AS SOON AS I CAN GET MY GIRLS TOGETHER. 489 00:18:54,399 --> 00:18:56,901 AH, SO THIS IS WHAT YOU MEN GET UP TO 490 00:18:56,902 --> 00:18:58,403 WHEN YOU ARE ALONE. 491 00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:01,907 THEY ARE JUST OLD PIN-UPS. 492 00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:03,909 DISGUSTING. 493 00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:06,411 I HAVE MUCH BETTER LEGS THAN ANY OF THEM. 494 00:19:06,411 --> 00:19:07,912 WELL, WE WILL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR THAT. 495 00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:09,414 YOU DO NOT HAVE TO. 496 00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:11,416 NOW, LOOK VERY CAREFULLY, 497 00:19:11,416 --> 00:19:12,917 I SHALL SHOW THESE ONLY ONCE. 498 00:19:18,423 --> 00:19:20,425 OH, MY DICKY TICKER. 499 00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:23,428 NOW LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. 500 00:19:23,428 --> 00:19:24,429 HUH? 501 00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:27,933 ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY YOU WANT YOUR PILLS? 502 00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:29,434 NO, 503 00:19:29,434 --> 00:19:30,935 MY CAMERA. 504 00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:40,245 I HOPE THEY WILL PUT A STOCKING OVER THE LENS 505 00:19:40,245 --> 00:19:42,747 TO MAKE ERNEST LOOK A BIT YOUNGER. 506 00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:44,750 I DO NOT WANT PEOPLE TO THINK 507 00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:47,753 I AM MARRIED TO AN OLD MAN. 508 00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:49,254 OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE WILL MAKE YOU LOOK 509 00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:51,756 YOUNG AND RADIANT, MAMMA. 510 00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:54,760 A REMARKABLE CAMERA, INDEED. 511 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,262 WELL, MADAME, 512 00:19:57,262 --> 00:20:00,265 I WOULD LIKE YOU AND MONSIEUR LECLERC 513 00:20:00,265 --> 00:20:03,268 ARMS ENTWINED, 514 00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:04,769 SITTING AT THE TABLE, 515 00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:06,772 HAVING A DRINK. 516 00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:08,774 WHERE IS THE DRINK? 517 00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:11,276 ON THE TABLE. 518 00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:12,277 QUICK, COME ON, HURRY UP, 519 00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:14,279 BEFORE THE SUN GOES IN. 520 00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,785 WELL, UNCORK IT. 521 00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:22,287 THE CHAMPAGNE IS ONLY FOR SHOW. 522 00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:23,788 I AM NOT OPENING A WHOLE BOTTLE 523 00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:25,290 FOR TWO DRINKS. 524 00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:28,293 NO PLONK, NO PICTURE. 525 00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:29,794 OH, VERY WELL. 526 00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:35,801 AH, GOOD MORNING, RENE. 527 00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:38,804 GOOD MORNING, LIEUTENANT GRUBER. 528 00:20:38,804 --> 00:20:41,807 WHAT A CHARMING COUPLE THEY MAKE. 529 00:20:41,807 --> 00:20:44,810 YOU CAN SEE THE AFFECTION IN THEIR EYES. 530 00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:45,811 OH, RENE, 531 00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:47,813 DOES THIS NOT REMIND YOU 532 00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,314 OF OUR HONEYMOON? 533 00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:51,316 WELL, YOU DID LOOK A BIT YOUNGER. 534 00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:52,817 WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO SIT? 535 00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:56,321 I THINK NEXT TO MADAME FANNY. 536 00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:01,326 EXCELLENT. 537 00:21:01,326 --> 00:21:02,827 IT WILL MAKE A VERY GOOD PHOTOGRAPH. 538 00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:05,330 GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN WILL BE PLEASED. 539 00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:06,831 EDITH. 540 00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:10,836 WHY IS THIS FAT KRAUT SITTING AT OUR TABLE? 541 00:21:10,836 --> 00:21:11,837 NOW THEN, MAMMA, 542 00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:13,839 WE ARE TAKING A PICTURE OF THE COLONEL 543 00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:15,841 ENJOYING A DRINK WITH THE HAPPIEST 544 00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:17,342 HONEYMOON COUPLE IN NOUVION, 545 00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:18,843 IT IS FOR THE PAPER. 546 00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:21,847 I DO NOT DRINK WITH THE GERMANS. 547 00:21:21,847 --> 00:21:23,348 I SPIT ON THEM. 548 00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:24,349 ( spits ) 549 00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:27,352 THAT WENT ON MY TIE, 550 00:21:27,352 --> 00:21:28,353 YOU SILLY OLD BAT. 551 00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:30,855 DON'T OLD BAT ME, 552 00:21:30,856 --> 00:21:32,357 YOU DODDERING OLD DUFFER. 553 00:21:32,357 --> 00:21:34,859 I HAVE NOT GLUED DOWN MY HAIR 554 00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:36,862 AND DRESSED IN THIS NATTY STYLE 555 00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:38,363 TO BE INSULTED BY A WOMAN 556 00:21:38,363 --> 00:21:39,864 NEARLY OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY MOTHER. 557 00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:41,867 OH, HOW DARE YOU? 558 00:21:41,867 --> 00:21:44,369 WHAT KIND OF HUSBAND ARE YOU? 559 00:21:44,369 --> 00:21:46,871 I AM THE KIND OF HUSBAND THAT DEMANDS A DIVORCE. 560 00:21:46,872 --> 00:21:47,873 GOOD DAY. 561 00:21:47,873 --> 00:21:50,375 AND YOU CAN HAVE ONE. 562 00:21:50,375 --> 00:21:51,376 EDITH, GIRLS, 563 00:21:51,376 --> 00:21:52,877 TAKE HER BACK TO HER ROOM. 564 00:21:54,379 --> 00:21:56,881 JUST A TYPICAL NEWLYWED'S TIFF, COLONEL. 565 00:21:56,882 --> 00:21:57,883 IN A FEW MONTHS, 566 00:21:57,883 --> 00:22:00,385 THEY WILL FORGET ALL ABOUT IT. 567 00:22:00,385 --> 00:22:02,387 I THINK WE'LL HAVE TO LOOK ELSEWHERE 568 00:22:02,387 --> 00:22:04,889 FOR OUR PERFECT HONEYMOON COUPLE, GRUBER. 569 00:22:04,890 --> 00:22:08,393 I COULD HAVE A PICTURE TAKEN WITH RENE, 570 00:22:08,393 --> 00:22:09,394 JUST FOR MY ALBUM. 571 00:22:09,394 --> 00:22:10,895 I AM NOT SMART ENOUGH. 572 00:22:10,896 --> 00:22:11,897 WATCH THE BIRDIE. 573 00:22:18,904 --> 00:22:21,406 ( car horn honks ) 574 00:22:24,409 --> 00:22:27,412 Helga: GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN! 575 00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:30,915 GOOD, JUST THE FELLOWS I WANT TO SEE. 576 00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:35,420 I HAVE DECIDED WE MUST SHOW 577 00:22:35,420 --> 00:22:37,422 THE HUMAN FACE OF THE GERMAN ARMY. 578 00:22:37,422 --> 00:22:39,924 TO THIS END, WE WILL BE PHOTOGRAPHED 579 00:22:39,925 --> 00:22:42,928 RELAXING AND ENJOYING A HEALTHY OUTDOOR LIFE 580 00:22:42,928 --> 00:22:43,929 WITH THE PEASANTS. 581 00:22:43,929 --> 00:22:46,932 WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU HAVE IN MIND, GENERAL? 582 00:22:46,932 --> 00:22:49,434 AN INFORMAL PICNIC IN THE COUNTRYSIDE, 583 00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:51,436 CAPTURED ON FILM 584 00:22:51,436 --> 00:22:53,438 WITH THE PRETTY GIRLS FROM THE VILLAGE 585 00:22:53,438 --> 00:22:55,440 JOKING AND LAUGHING AT OUR WITTY REMARKS. 586 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,942 WHAT FUN. 587 00:22:57,943 --> 00:23:00,445 BUT FIRST, TO PROVE HOW FIT THE MASTER RACE IS, 588 00:23:00,445 --> 00:23:02,947 THERE WILL BE A 10 KILOMETER HIKE 589 00:23:02,948 --> 00:23:05,450 FOR ALL OFFICERS BELOW THE RANK OF GENERAL. 590 00:23:05,450 --> 00:23:08,453 YOU PEASANTS WILL ORGANIZE THE FOOD AND THE DRINK 591 00:23:08,453 --> 00:23:10,955 AND YOUR TWO PRETTY WAITRESSES. 592 00:23:10,956 --> 00:23:11,957 THANK YOU, GENERAL. 593 00:23:11,957 --> 00:23:13,458 BY THE WAY, 594 00:23:13,458 --> 00:23:15,460 WHO'S PAYING FOR THIS JOLLY PICNIC? 595 00:23:15,460 --> 00:23:17,462 THE GERMANS WILL PAY OF COURSE! 596 00:23:17,462 --> 00:23:19,964 YOU WILL PRESENT YOUR BILL AFTER WE HAVE EATEN. 597 00:23:19,965 --> 00:23:22,968 GENERAL, HOW LONG DO WE HAVE 598 00:23:22,968 --> 00:23:24,469 TO GET FIT FOR THIS HIKE? 599 00:23:24,469 --> 00:23:25,970 UNTIL 3:00 THIS AFTERNOON. 600 00:23:25,971 --> 00:23:27,472 HEIL HITLER. 601 00:23:27,472 --> 00:23:28,973 All: HEIL HITLER. 602 00:23:29,975 --> 00:23:31,476 AFTER THIS HIKE WE WON'T NEED 603 00:23:31,476 --> 00:23:32,977 PROFILES IN THE PRESS, 604 00:23:32,978 --> 00:23:34,980 WE'LL NEED OBITUARIES. 605 00:23:36,982 --> 00:23:37,983 General: FASTER! 606 00:23:37,983 --> 00:23:39,985 YOU'RE ALL OUT OF CONDITION. 607 00:23:39,985 --> 00:23:41,486 EXCEPT ME. 608 00:23:52,998 --> 00:23:53,999 General: PULL IN OVER THERE. 609 00:23:53,999 --> 00:23:55,500 BY THAT OPENING. 610 00:24:02,007 --> 00:24:03,008 HEY, LOOK AT ME, 611 00:24:03,008 --> 00:24:05,010 I'M AS FIT AS A FLEA. 612 00:24:05,010 --> 00:24:06,011 IN THAT CASE, 613 00:24:06,011 --> 00:24:08,013 YOU CAN RUN AROUND THAT BIG FIELD 614 00:24:08,013 --> 00:24:09,514 FIVE TIMES BACKWARDS. 615 00:24:09,514 --> 00:24:11,516 WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE. 616 00:24:13,018 --> 00:24:15,020 WE WILL HAVE THE PICNIC AND THE PHOTOGRAPHS 617 00:24:15,020 --> 00:24:17,022 BY THE BIG HAYSTACK IN THE NEXT FIELD. 618 00:24:17,022 --> 00:24:18,023 FOLLOW ME. 619 00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:24,963 WHY DO I HAVE TO GO FIRST, 620 00:24:24,963 --> 00:24:26,464 HERR FLICK? 621 00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:28,967 BECAUSE YOU ARE A JUNIOR MEMBER 622 00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:29,968 OF THE GESTAPO. 623 00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:31,970 IF ANYTHING UNTOWARD HAPPENS, 624 00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:33,471 YOU ARE EXPENDABLE. 625 00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:35,474 HOW DO I GET UP THERE? 626 00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:38,477 IT IS VERY HIGH. 627 00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:40,979 YOU MOVE THE LEATHER STRAP UP THE POLE, 628 00:24:40,979 --> 00:24:43,481 AND WALK UP USING YOUR SPECIAL GESTAPO 629 00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:45,984 TELEGRAPH POLE CLIMBING BOOTS. 630 00:24:45,984 --> 00:24:47,986 SOMETIMES YOU ARE VERY SIMPLE, 631 00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:49,487 VON SMALLHAUSEN. 632 00:24:49,488 --> 00:24:50,989 WHEN YOU GET TO THE TOP, 633 00:24:50,989 --> 00:24:52,991 DROP THE ROPE AND PULL ME UP. 634 00:24:52,991 --> 00:24:55,994 AND WHAT IF I FALL BEFORE I GET THERE? 635 00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:58,496 MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT LAND ON ME. 636 00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,499 I AM NOT EXPENDABLE. 637 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:03,502 IT MUST BE A JOLLY PHOTOGRAPH 638 00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:05,003 OF HAPPY COLLABORATION. 639 00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:06,504 - SEE? - AH. 640 00:25:14,012 --> 00:25:15,513 - OH! - OH! 641 00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:18,517 OH, WHAT A THRILL. 642 00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:21,019 GROPED BY AN ITAI. 643 00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:23,521 CAPTAIN BERTORELLI, CONTROL YOURSELF. 644 00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:26,525 YOU TWO PEASANT GIRLS, COME AND SIT HERE BY ME. 645 00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:28,026 YOU'LL BE SAFER. 646 00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:32,030 I SIT DOWN NEXT TO YOU, HEH HEH. 647 00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:33,531 ( kissing sounds ) 648 00:25:35,033 --> 00:25:37,035 HELGA, YOU COME AND SIT BY ME. 649 00:25:37,035 --> 00:25:39,537 IT LOOKS GOOD TO SHOW GERMAN OFFICERS 650 00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:41,039 BEING FRIENDLY WITH THEIR PRIVATES. 651 00:25:41,039 --> 00:25:42,540 OOH! 652 00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:44,543 THE CAMERA IS READY, GENERAL. 653 00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:47,546 I HAVE BROUGHT THREE PLATES IN CASE OF ANY ERROR. 654 00:25:47,546 --> 00:25:50,048 PERHAPS YOU COULD ALL SHOW A LITTLE MORE LEG? 655 00:25:52,050 --> 00:25:54,052 NOT YOU, GRUBER. 656 00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:55,553 AND YOU TWO, 657 00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:57,055 LOOK AS THOUGH YOU ARE SERVING US. 658 00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:58,056 OH, YES. 659 00:25:58,056 --> 00:26:00,058 COME ON, PEASANTS, ENJOY YOURSELVES! 660 00:26:00,058 --> 00:26:01,059 YES, OF COURSE, GENERAL. 661 00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:09,568 JUST HOLD IT THERE. 662 00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:12,070 NOW, WHEN I GIGGLE, EVERYBODY GIGGLES. 663 00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:14,572 ( giggles ) 664 00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:16,575 AAH! 665 00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:18,577 General: IDIOT, PEASANT! LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. 666 00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:19,578 Edith: I AM SORRY, GENERAL. 667 00:26:19,578 --> 00:26:21,580 HERE, LET ME WIPE IT OFF. 668 00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:23,582 NO, GIVE IT TO ME. 669 00:26:23,582 --> 00:26:25,584 NO, NO! I WILL DO IT. 670 00:26:26,585 --> 00:26:29,087 ONE PLATE FOR THE BIN. 671 00:26:29,087 --> 00:26:31,089 General: THERE, IT'S DONE. 672 00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:33,091 NOW, EVERYBODY BACK IN POSITION. 673 00:26:33,091 --> 00:26:35,593 WE CANNOT AFFORD TO WASTE PHOTOGRAPHS LIKE THIS. 674 00:26:35,594 --> 00:26:38,597 NOW, WHEN I SMILE, EVERYBODY SMILES. 675 00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:40,098 READY. 676 00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:43,601 AH! THE PLACE IS CRAWLING WITH ANTS. 677 00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:44,603 ( women screaming ) 678 00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:47,606 SOME OF THEM HAVE MARCHED UP MY SHORTS. 679 00:26:49,107 --> 00:26:51,609 General: STOP! THIS IS NOT THE PHOTOGRAPH I WANT. 680 00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:53,612 DAMN. 681 00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:57,115 Smallhausen: YES, PLEASE CONNECT ME 682 00:26:57,115 --> 00:26:58,616 AS SOON AS YOU CAN, THANK YOU. 683 00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:04,122 IT DOES NOT FEEL VERY SAFE UP HERE, HERR FLICK. 684 00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:07,125 DO NOT BE A NINNY, VON SMALLHAUSEN. 685 00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:09,127 HAVE YOU GOT MY NUMBER YET? 686 00:27:09,127 --> 00:27:12,130 THE OPERATOR IS CONNECTING ME NOW TO BERLIN. 687 00:27:12,130 --> 00:27:14,632 ( phone rings ) 688 00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:16,635 - UNCLE HEINIE? - ( pole creaks ) 689 00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:18,136 HELLO. 690 00:27:18,136 --> 00:27:20,638 THIS IS YOUR GODSON OTTO. 691 00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:23,141 NO, I AM NOT IN MY OFFICE. 692 00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:25,143 I AM, STRANGELY ENOUGH, 693 00:27:25,143 --> 00:27:28,146 OVERLOOKING A LARGE HAYSTACK. 694 00:27:28,146 --> 00:27:30,148 LISTEN, WE NEED MORE-- 695 00:27:30,148 --> 00:27:32,150 AAAAH! 696 00:27:34,152 --> 00:27:36,654 ( splatter ) 697 00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:39,157 General: THE GESTAPO HAVE RUINED OUR PICNIC. 698 00:27:39,157 --> 00:27:41,159 NOT TO MENTION THE PICTURE. 699 00:27:41,159 --> 00:27:43,661 YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, HERR FLICK. 700 00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:46,665 YOU HAVE JUST MADE A VERY BAD CAREER MOVE. 701 00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:49,668 IT IS NOT OUR FAULT WE HAVE POOPED A PICNIC. 702 00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:53,171 IT IS TIME TO WITHDRAW. 703 00:27:53,171 --> 00:27:55,173 WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? 704 00:27:55,173 --> 00:27:56,674 I'M SPEAKING TO YOU. 705 00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:59,678 THIS IS NOT OUR LUCKY DAY, VON SMALLHAUSEN. 706 00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:01,179 RUN AFTER THEM, AND BRING THEM BACK. 707 00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:05,183 - RENE? - UH? 708 00:28:05,183 --> 00:28:07,685 SHOULD WE GIVE THEM THE BILL NOW? 709 00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:10,188 THAT WOULD NOT BE A GOOD IDEA. 710 00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:11,689 WE WILL PUT IT ON THE ACCOUNT. 711 00:28:11,690 --> 00:28:13,692 ( theme music playing )