1 00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:07,574 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:19,085 --> 00:00:21,587 IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THIS BEDKNOB 3 00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:23,590 IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DISAPPEARANCE 4 00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:26,092 OF MONSIEUR LECLERC AND MY WIFE'S MOTHER, 5 00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:28,094 BUT IT IS A FACT. 6 00:00:28,094 --> 00:00:31,097 A SECRET DISAPPEARING BED, 7 00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:32,598 BUILT BY MONSIEUR ALPHONSE THE UNDERTAKER, 8 00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:35,101 WHICH WAS ONLY TO BE USED IN AN EMERGENCY, 9 00:00:35,101 --> 00:00:37,603 WAS ACTIVATED BY THIS VERY KNOB 10 00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:39,606 SO THAT THE SILLY OLD COUPLE COULD HIDE 11 00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:42,609 AFTER THEY HAD BEEN RELEASED AND SNATCHED FROM PRISON 12 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:45,612 BY MY WIFE, EDITH, WHO WAS USING FORGED PAPERS. 13 00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:49,115 MADAME FANNY TURNED THIS KNOB 14 00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:50,616 AND SHE AND MONSIEUR LECLERC 15 00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:52,619 FLEW UP INTO THE WALL 16 00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:54,621 AND THE KNOB FELL OFF. 17 00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,623 AS IT HAS TO BE TURNED AGAIN TO RELEASE THE BED, 18 00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:59,626 THEY ARE, OF COURSE STILL HANGING UPSIDE DOWN 19 00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:02,128 LIKE A COUPLE OF AGED BATS. 20 00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:04,130 I HAVE JUST PHONED MONSIEUR ALPHONSE 21 00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:05,631 TO GET HIM TO COME AND RELEASE THEM, 22 00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:09,135 BUT IF HE DOES NOT HURRY UP, WELL, I FEAR THE WORST. 23 00:01:09,135 --> 00:01:10,136 RENE. 24 00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:11,637 WHERE IS MONSIEUR ALPHONSE WITH HIS TOOLS? 25 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:14,140 HE SHOULD BE HERE. 26 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:16,142 WELL, PERHAPS HIS HORSE IS LAME. 27 00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:18,644 THEY HAVE STOPPED KNOCKING. 28 00:01:18,645 --> 00:01:19,646 WHAT? 29 00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:21,147 MY MOTHER AND MONSIEUR LECLERC. 30 00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:25,651 OH, MAMMA. 31 00:01:25,652 --> 00:01:27,654 TO THINK THIS KNOB WAS THE LAST THING SHE HELD 32 00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:29,155 BEFORE SHE DISAPPEARED. 33 00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:33,159 A FITTING EPITAPH, EDITH. 34 00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:37,664 OH GOD. 35 00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:39,666 MERCI. 36 00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:42,669 OH, MY DICKY TICKER. 37 00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:45,171 WE UNDERTAKERS ARE NOT USED TO HURRYING. 38 00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:48,174 OUR CLIENTS ARE USUALLY DEAD. 39 00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:50,676 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE? 40 00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:52,679 RENE, HE DOES NOT LOOK WELL. 41 00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:54,180 THEN TAKE HIM UPSTAIRS. 42 00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:55,681 IF HE PEGS OUT DOWN HERE 43 00:01:55,682 --> 00:01:57,183 PEOPLE WILL THINK 44 00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:58,684 IT IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY WINE. 45 00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:03,189 ( soft knock ) 46 00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:04,190 - ( pounds wall ) - Yvette: OH! 47 00:02:04,190 --> 00:02:05,691 SHUSH! 48 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:08,695 HOW CAN I HEAR IF THEY'RE BANGING IF YOU'RE BANGING? 49 00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:10,196 AND HOW CAN I HEAR IF THEY HAVE BANGED 50 00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:12,698 IN ANSWER TO MY BANG IF YOU ARE SHOUTING? 51 00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:14,701 OH, YOU LISTEN, I'LL BANG. 52 00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,202 NO, YOU LISTEN, I'LL BANG. 53 00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:17,703 - NO! NO! - YES! YES! 54 00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:19,706 Rene: STOP THAT, YOU TWO! 55 00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:22,208 Edith: CAN YOU HEAR ANYTHING? 56 00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:24,710 - NOTHING. - EXCEPT HER SHOUTING. 57 00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:27,213 WHAT IF MAMMA HAS SUFFOCATED? 58 00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:29,715 THIS PLACE IS RIDDLED WITH MOUSE HOLES. 59 00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:31,217 THERE IS BOUND TO BE SOME AIR 60 00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:33,719 EVEN IF IT DOES SMELL STRONGLY OF CHEESE. 61 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:34,721 DO NOT FEAR, MADAME, 62 00:02:34,721 --> 00:02:38,725 I HAVE COME FULLY PREPARED FOR ALL EVENTUALITIES. 63 00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:42,228 I HAVE WITH ME MY UNDERTAKER'S TAPE MEASURE 64 00:02:42,228 --> 00:02:44,230 AND ALSO A CATALOG OF MY COFFINS 65 00:02:44,230 --> 00:02:46,732 FOR YOU TO PERUSE AT YOUR LEISURE. 66 00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:50,236 OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, SURELY YOU CAN DO SOMETHING. 67 00:02:50,236 --> 00:02:52,738 WELL, FIRST OF ALL 68 00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:55,742 I SHALL LISTEN WITH MY STETHOSCOPE. 69 00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:57,243 ( wheezing cough ) 70 00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:58,744 PARDON. 71 00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:00,747 ( wheezing ) 72 00:03:05,251 --> 00:03:07,753 I CAN HEAR WHEEZING. 73 00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:09,756 DO THEY HAVE ASTHMA? 74 00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:11,758 THAT IS YOU, YOU OLD FOOL. 75 00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:17,263 THIS CRAFTSMANSHIP IS SUPERB. 76 00:03:17,263 --> 00:03:18,764 I COULD NEVER PRISE IT DOWN. 77 00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:22,769 I KNOW, I WILL DRILL AN AIR HOLE FOR THEM. 78 00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:26,772 OH, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, DO BE CAREFUL. 79 00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:29,275 YES, DO NOT DRILL THROUGH HER MOTHER. 80 00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:31,777 RENE, WHAT IF HE STRIKES A VITAL ORGAN? 81 00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:34,781 SHE DOESN'T HAVE A VITAL ORGAN. 82 00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:37,283 I HAVE STRUCK METAL. 83 00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:39,785 COULD IT BE HER EAR TRUMPET? 84 00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:42,288 IF IT IS, I HOPE SHE WAS NOT LISTENING. 85 00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:46,292 AH YES, I CAN HEAR THEM NOW. 86 00:03:46,292 --> 00:03:48,294 THEY ARE SNORING. 87 00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:50,796 THEY ARE ASLEEP. 88 00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:54,300 MAMMA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? IT IS ME, EDITH. 89 00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,302 ( moaning; banging ) 90 00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,806 Mamma: GET ME OUT OF HERE! 91 00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:01,808 NOW YOU'VE DONE IT. 92 00:04:01,808 --> 00:04:03,309 WHY DID YOU NOT LET THEM SLEEP 93 00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:04,310 UNTIL THEY WERE OUT? 94 00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:06,312 YES, WELL, THERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER. 95 00:04:06,312 --> 00:04:09,315 I WILL DRILL SMALL HOLES AROUND THE HINGES 96 00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,817 AND PUT IN A SMALL EXPLOSIVE CHARGE. 97 00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:14,821 DO YOU HAVE ANY DYNAMITE? 98 00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:17,323 THIS IS A CAFE, NOT AN ARSENAL! 99 00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:19,825 MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE WILL HAVE SOME. 100 00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,828 RENE, GO TO OFFICER CRABTREE. 101 00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:24,330 HE WILL FIND MICHELLE AND GET SOME DYNAMITE FROM HER. 102 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:26,332 I AM NOT GOING TO RISK MY NECK GETTING DYNAMITE. 103 00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:27,833 WE COULD BLOW THE WHOLE PLACE UP. 104 00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:29,836 BUT WE NEED ONLY A SMALL CHARGE. 105 00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:31,838 ( moaning ) 106 00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:35,341 I THINK MADAME FANNY IS TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING. 107 00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:40,346 YES, SHE WANTS SOME SOUP. 108 00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:41,847 THAT WILL BE TRICKY. 109 00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:44,851 MIMI, THERE IS SOME ONION SOUP ON THE STOVE. 110 00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:47,854 GO DOWN, FILL THE BELLOWS WITH THE SOUP 111 00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:49,856 THEN PUT THE NOZZLE IN THE HOLE IN THE WALL. 112 00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:51,858 WE WILL PUMP SOME THROUGH. 113 00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:54,861 AFTER THAT WE MAY NOT NEED DYNAMITE. 114 00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:56,863 I WILL GO AND GET A MESSAGE TO MICHELLE. 115 00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:58,364 IN THE MEANTIME, DO NOTHING. 116 00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:00,733 ( knocking ) 117 00:05:02,735 --> 00:05:05,237 I OPEN MY DOOR TO NO ONE 118 00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:07,240 UNLESS THEY GIVE THE CORRECT SECRET KNOCK. 119 00:05:08,741 --> 00:05:10,743 ( rhythmic knocking ) 120 00:05:12,745 --> 00:05:14,246 WRONG. 121 00:05:15,748 --> 00:05:18,250 IT IS ME, HERR FLICK. HELGA. 122 00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:24,757 WHY DID YOU NOT SHOUT? 123 00:05:24,757 --> 00:05:26,759 I DO NOT WANT THE WHOLE TOWN TO KNOW 124 00:05:26,759 --> 00:05:28,761 I'M YOUR BIT OF STUFF. 125 00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:31,264 SO, 126 00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:32,765 DID VON SMALLHAUSEN 127 00:05:32,765 --> 00:05:34,767 COMMIT A CRIME IN THE COLONEL'S OFFICE 128 00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:36,268 AND GET HIMSELF SENT TO JAIL 129 00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,271 IN ORDER TO INGRATIATE HIMSELF 130 00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:40,273 WITH MADAME FANNY AND THE OLD PIANO PLAYER, 131 00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:41,774 WHO ARE ALSO PRISONERS THERE, 132 00:05:41,774 --> 00:05:42,775 TO FIND OUT IF THEY KNOW 133 00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:44,276 THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE BRITISH AIRMEN? 134 00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:45,778 - NO. - WHAT? 135 00:05:45,778 --> 00:05:47,780 THAT IS TO SAY, HE DID GET SENT TO JAIL. 136 00:05:47,780 --> 00:05:50,783 UNFORTUNATELY, THE OLD COUPLE HAD ALREADY BEEN RELEASED. 137 00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:53,285 VON SMALLHAUSEN WAS ARRESTED FOR HAVING NO PAPERS 138 00:05:53,286 --> 00:05:54,787 IN SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES. 139 00:05:54,787 --> 00:05:57,790 WHAT SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES? 140 00:05:57,790 --> 00:06:00,292 HE WAS DRESSED AS A BURGLAR, IN A MASK, 141 00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,295 AND RIDING A BICYCLE WITHOUT A REAR LIGHT. 142 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,797 VON SMALLHAUSEN DOES NOTHING RIGHT. 143 00:06:04,797 --> 00:06:07,299 FANCY FORGETTING THE REAR LIGHT. 144 00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:09,802 I WILL GO HAVE HIM RELEASED. 145 00:06:09,802 --> 00:06:11,804 MAY I KISS YOU, FIRST, HERR FLICK. 146 00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:15,307 NOT UNTIL YOU HAVE PASSED YOUR SECRET KNOCKING TEST. 147 00:06:18,811 --> 00:06:19,812 THAT IS NEAR ENOUGH. 148 00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:26,319 HEIL HITLER. 149 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,321 HEIL HITLER. 150 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:29,822 HEIL MUSSOLINI. 151 00:06:31,824 --> 00:06:34,326 OH, GRUBER, 152 00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,329 THE DECORATIONS ARE LOVELY. 153 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,331 THANK YOU, GENERAL. 154 00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:40,833 SIT! 155 00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:43,836 YOU VERY PROBABLY HAVE ALL NOTICED 156 00:06:43,836 --> 00:06:46,839 THIS AREA HAS BECOME SOMETHING OF A BACKWATER 157 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:49,341 AS FAR AS THE WAR IS CONCERNED, HMM? 158 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:51,344 WELL ALL THAT IS ABOUT TO BE CHANGED. 159 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,846 WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND, GENERAL? 160 00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:56,348 SOMETHING, THAT IF IT SUCCEEDS, 161 00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:58,351 WILL PUT OUR NAMES DOWN IN HISTORY BOOKS 162 00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:01,354 ALONGSIDE THE GREAT GERMAN WAR HEROES OF THE PAST. 163 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,356 OR THE GREAT ITALIAN WAR HEROES. 164 00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:05,858 HIM AS WELL! 165 00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,863 HOW ARE WE TO ACHIEVE THIS? 166 00:07:10,863 --> 00:07:13,866 AN OLD COLLEAGUE OF MINE WHO FOUGHT ALONGSIDE ME 167 00:07:13,866 --> 00:07:17,369 IN THE CONDOR LEGION IN SPAIN, GENERAL BORIS VON BRATWURSTEN, 168 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:20,873 HAS HEARD FROM INTELLIGENCE THAT VERY SHORTLY, 169 00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:23,375 CHURCHILL IS SCHEDULED TO TAKE A BRIEF PAINTING HOLIDAY 170 00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:25,878 ON THE SOUTH COAST OF ENGLAND 171 00:07:25,878 --> 00:07:28,380 AT A PLACE CALLED BOGNOR. 172 00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:29,882 All: BOGNOR? 173 00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:32,885 NOW, VON BRATWURSTEN PLANS TO GO IN 174 00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:34,386 ON A LIGHTNING COMMANDO RAID 175 00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:37,390 AND SNATCH HIM, ENDING THE WAR AT A STROKE, 176 00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:40,393 AND TO ENSURE COMPLETE SECRECY, 177 00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:42,895 HE HAS DECIDED TO LAUNCH THE RAID 178 00:07:43,896 --> 00:07:45,397 FROM HERE. 179 00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:47,400 EVEN THE FUHRER KNOWS NOTHING. 180 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,902 WON'T HE BE CROSS? 181 00:07:49,902 --> 00:07:52,404 IF WE FAIL, HE WILL NEVER KNOW. 182 00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,907 BUT, IF WE SUCCEED, 183 00:07:54,907 --> 00:07:57,409 WE WILL ALL BE UP TO HERE IN IRON CROSSES. 184 00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:58,911 HOW DARING. 185 00:07:58,911 --> 00:08:01,413 HOW TYPICAL OF THE CONDOR LEGION. 186 00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:04,417 YOU WILL HAVE OUR FULL BACKING, GENERAL. 187 00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:05,918 WON'T HE, GRUBER? 188 00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:08,921 WE SHALL BE BEHIND HIM ALL THE WAY. 189 00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:14,427 AND IF THE PLOT FAILS, MUM'S THE WORD. 190 00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:15,928 IT MUST NOT FAIL, 191 00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:17,429 I AM TO BE AT VAN BRATWURSTEN'S SIDE. 192 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,932 IN THAT CASE IT STANDS EVERY CHANCE. 193 00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:22,434 GRUBER, I KNOW HOW KEEN YOU ARE 194 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,936 TO BE IN THE ACTION WITH THE MEN. 195 00:08:23,936 --> 00:08:26,438 AFTER THE RUSSIAN FRONT, THIS MUST SEEM VERY TAME. 196 00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,941 I AM VERY ADAPTABLE. 197 00:08:28,941 --> 00:08:31,443 GOOD, I'VE PUT YOUR NAME FORWARD. 198 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:32,945 WHAT DO YOU SAY? 199 00:08:33,946 --> 00:08:36,448 HE'S TOO EXCITED TO SPEAK. 200 00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:42,455 JUST THINK-- ONE DAY I SHALL TELL MY CHILDREN 201 00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:44,457 I WAS PART OF THIS. 202 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,459 JUST A SMALL PART 203 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,461 BECAUSE I'M RATHER OLD. 204 00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:49,962 NOT SO SMALL. 205 00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:52,965 WE SHALL NEED A SUICIDE SQUAD TO COVER OUR RETREAT. 206 00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:55,968 YOU MAY LEAD IT IF YOU WISH. WHAT DO YOU SAY? 207 00:08:58,971 --> 00:09:01,974 HE IS TOO EXCITED TO SPEAK. 208 00:09:01,974 --> 00:09:04,977 IN FACT, HE MAY NEVER SPEAK AGAIN. 209 00:09:04,977 --> 00:09:06,478 PERHAPS WE SHOULD WAIT 210 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:07,980 UNTIL GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN 211 00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:09,481 IS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL? 212 00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:11,984 HE IS SO GOOD AT PLANNING THIS KIND OF THING. 213 00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:15,487 NO, NO. HE WILL NOT BE COMING OUT. 214 00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:16,989 VON BRATWURSTEN IS WORRIED 215 00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:18,490 HE MAY NOT GO ALONG WITH THE PLAN. 216 00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:21,494 SO HE HAS CUT OFF VON KLINKERHOFFEN'S PHONE 217 00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:24,997 AND IS MAKING ARRANGEMENTS TO HAVE HIM TRANSFERRED 218 00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:26,999 TO A NURSING HOME IN BAVARIA 219 00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:29,001 WHERE HE CAN CONVALESCE 220 00:09:29,001 --> 00:09:30,502 AFTER HIS NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. 221 00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,505 COME. 222 00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,507 THE REPORT IS THAT HE IS MUCH IMPROVED 223 00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:36,509 AND ALMOST READY FOR RELEASE. 224 00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:39,512 I DO THINK WE SHOULD CONSULT HIM FIRST. 225 00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:42,515 NO, NO. WE WANT THE GLORY FOR OURSELVES. 226 00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:47,019 TO DEATH OR GLORY. 227 00:09:47,019 --> 00:09:50,022 All: TO DEATH OR GLORY. 228 00:09:50,022 --> 00:09:52,524 IN OF ALL PLACES, BOGNOR. 229 00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:58,531 ( whistling ) 230 00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:04,002 PASS ME THAT VASE, PLEASE, YVETTE. 231 00:10:10,509 --> 00:10:12,511 GOOD MOANING. 232 00:10:13,512 --> 00:10:16,014 LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE MADE ME DO, YOU IDIOT. 233 00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:18,517 I AM SIRRY. DID I MAKE YOU JIMP? 234 00:10:18,517 --> 00:10:20,519 WHAT DO YOU WANT? 235 00:10:20,519 --> 00:10:23,522 I HAVE BRIGHT THE DEENAMOTE FROM MICHELLE. 236 00:10:23,522 --> 00:10:25,023 WHERE IS IT? 237 00:10:25,024 --> 00:10:27,526 IT IS DOON MY TROOZERS 238 00:10:27,526 --> 00:10:30,028 DISGEEZED AS KINDLES. 239 00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:43,042 THE FIRST ONE IS A REAL KINDLE 240 00:10:43,042 --> 00:10:47,046 AND THE RIST IS THE DEENAMOTE. 241 00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:52,051 AND I AM GLOD TO GIT ROD OF IT. 242 00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:54,053 I ALSO HAVE A MASSAGE FROM MICHELLE. 243 00:10:54,053 --> 00:10:56,055 WHAT IS THE MASSAGE? 244 00:10:56,055 --> 00:10:58,557 I MIST TAKE THE BROTISH EARMEN 245 00:10:58,557 --> 00:11:02,060 TO BE WODE ON THE FESHMINGER'S SCOLES. 246 00:11:02,061 --> 00:11:04,563 WHAT IS THIS LUNATIC ON ABOUT? 247 00:11:04,563 --> 00:11:07,566 HE WANTS TO TAKE THE BRITISH AIRMEN 248 00:11:07,566 --> 00:11:10,068 TO BE WEIGHED ON THE FISHMONGER'S SCALES. 249 00:11:10,069 --> 00:11:11,070 WHATEVER FOR? 250 00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:14,073 LONDON HOPES TO SEND A LIGHT EARCRAFT 251 00:11:14,073 --> 00:11:16,575 AND THEY NEED TO KNEE THEIR WOTES 252 00:11:16,575 --> 00:11:18,076 SO THE CAN FLEA THEM AT NIT 253 00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:19,078 TO ONGLAND. 254 00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:26,085 WHAT NIT ARE THEY GOING TO FLEA THEM? 255 00:11:28,087 --> 00:11:29,588 IT HAS NOT BEEN DESUDED. 256 00:11:29,588 --> 00:11:32,090 WIER ARE THEY NOO? 257 00:11:34,593 --> 00:11:36,595 - HELLO. - HELLO. 258 00:11:36,595 --> 00:11:40,098 WHEE ARE THEY DRISSED AS SCRIBBING LOODIES? 259 00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:42,601 I HAVE TO GET MY MONEY'S WORTH FROM THEM SOMEHOW. 260 00:11:43,602 --> 00:11:45,103 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, CHAPS? 261 00:11:45,104 --> 00:11:46,105 WELL, NO, NOT REALLY. 262 00:11:46,105 --> 00:11:48,607 ALL THIS CLEANING IS RUINING MY HANDS. 263 00:11:48,607 --> 00:11:53,612 AND I'VE GOT A NASTY CASE OF HOUSEMAID'S KNEE. 264 00:11:53,612 --> 00:11:54,613 NOT TO WORRY. IT WON'T BE 265 00:11:54,613 --> 00:11:56,615 FOR VERY MUCH LONGER. COME WITH ME. 266 00:11:56,615 --> 00:12:00,118 BEFORE YOU GO, CLEAN UP THIS BROKEN VASE. 267 00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:02,121 WHAT'S HE SAYING? 268 00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:03,622 NO IDEA. 269 00:12:03,622 --> 00:12:07,125 YOU'D THINK THEY'D LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH. 270 00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:09,128 YOU CANNOT GET GOOD DOMESTIC HELP THESE DAYS. 271 00:12:09,128 --> 00:12:12,131 OH, RENE, IF ONLY WE COULD 272 00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:14,133 FLEE TO ENGLAND IN THAT PLANE AS WELL. 273 00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:16,135 BUT WE ARE NOT BRITISH AIRMEN. 274 00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:19,638 I WISH WE WERE. OH, HOLD ME. 275 00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:22,140 AH, YVETTE. 276 00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:23,642 OH, RENE. 277 00:12:24,643 --> 00:12:28,647 EVERY TIME YOU HUG ME I SEEM TO GROW STRONGER. 278 00:12:29,648 --> 00:12:32,651 I MUST REMEMBER TO TOP UP MY BATTERY. 279 00:12:35,154 --> 00:12:39,158 OH, IS THAT YOUR HEART I CAN FEEL THROBBING? 280 00:12:42,661 --> 00:12:45,163 ALMOST WITHOUT A DOUBT. 281 00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:47,166 RENE! 282 00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:49,668 WHAT ARE YOU DOING 283 00:12:49,668 --> 00:12:51,670 HOLDING THAT SERVANT GIRL IN YOUR ARMS? 284 00:12:51,670 --> 00:12:55,173 YOU STUPID WOMAN. CAN YOU NOT SEE? 285 00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:58,677 THIS POOR CHILD, WEAK FROM HUNGER, 286 00:12:58,677 --> 00:13:00,178 HAS BROKEN THIS VASE AND IS WONDERING 287 00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:03,682 HOW SHE CAN PAY FOR IT FROM HER MEAGER WAGES. 288 00:13:03,682 --> 00:13:05,684 NO, NO, NO. DO NOT FRET, CHILD. 289 00:13:05,684 --> 00:13:08,186 YOU CAN PAY ON A MONTHLY BASIS... 290 00:13:08,187 --> 00:13:10,689 OVER SEVERAL YEARS. 291 00:13:10,689 --> 00:13:13,191 NOW GO AND OPEN YOUR MONEY BOX, 292 00:13:13,192 --> 00:13:16,695 TAKE SOMETHING FROM IT AND SLIP IT IN THE TILL TOWARDS IT. 293 00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:18,697 DO NOT WEEP, CHILD. 294 00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:20,699 OH, I AM SORRY, RENE, 295 00:13:20,699 --> 00:13:22,701 BUT I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT MAMMA. 296 00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:24,703 SHE IS DEFINITELY OFF HER FOOD. 297 00:13:24,703 --> 00:13:27,706 SHE SPAT THE SOUP RIGHT BACK OUT OF THE HOLE. 298 00:13:27,706 --> 00:13:30,208 I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT. 299 00:13:30,209 --> 00:13:33,212 WELL, NEVER MIND, OFFICER CRABTREE BROUGHT THE DYNAMITE. 300 00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:35,214 OH, THANK HEAVENS. WE MUST HURRY. 301 00:13:35,214 --> 00:13:37,216 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS ALREADY LATE 302 00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:38,217 FOR AN EMBALMING. 303 00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:41,220 WELL, I'M SURE THEY WILL WAIT. 304 00:13:46,225 --> 00:13:47,726 FILTHY. 305 00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:51,229 I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FIRE THOSE TWO CLEANING LADIES. 306 00:13:52,231 --> 00:13:53,732 - RENE. - HUH? 307 00:13:53,732 --> 00:13:55,734 DO YOU THINK I SHOULD WARN MAMMA ABOUT THE BIG BANG? 308 00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:58,737 NO, LET IT COME AS A SURPRISE. 309 00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:03,742 GOOD. THE COAST IS CLEAR. 310 00:14:03,742 --> 00:14:04,743 WE WILL SNEAK UPSTAIRS 311 00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:06,745 AND INTERROGATE THE OLD COUPLE 312 00:14:06,745 --> 00:14:08,747 WITHOUT BEING SEEN. 313 00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:13,752 MAKE NO NOISE WITH YOUR STICK, VON SMALLHAUSEN. 314 00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:16,254 YES, HERR FLICK. 315 00:14:18,757 --> 00:14:21,760 ( stomping ) 316 00:14:27,766 --> 00:14:29,768 I HAVE LIT THE FUSES. 317 00:14:29,768 --> 00:14:31,269 THERE SHOULD BE JUST ENOUGH 318 00:14:31,270 --> 00:14:32,271 TO BLOW OFF THE HINGES. 319 00:14:32,271 --> 00:14:34,273 DID YOU WARN YOUR MOTHER? 320 00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:35,774 NO, I DID NOT WANT HER TO WORRY. 321 00:14:38,777 --> 00:14:40,278 WE WISH TO INTERROGATE 322 00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:41,780 MADAME FANNY AND THE PIANO PLAYER. 323 00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:43,281 IS THIS THEIR ROOM? 324 00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:44,783 YOU CANNOT GO IN THERE. 325 00:14:44,783 --> 00:14:47,786 THE GESTAPO CAN GO ANYWHERE. 326 00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:49,788 THERE HAS BEEN A SEVERE GAS LEAK. 327 00:14:49,788 --> 00:14:51,790 IT IS VERY DANGEROUS. 328 00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:54,292 I CANNOT SMELL ANYTHING. 329 00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:57,796 VON SMALLHAUSEN, YOU ARE NEARER TO THE GROUND. 330 00:14:57,796 --> 00:15:00,298 DOES YOUR BIG PROBOSCIS SMELL ANYTHING? 331 00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:03,302 APART FROM A HINT OF CHEESE, 332 00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:04,803 NOTHING. 333 00:15:04,803 --> 00:15:07,305 THEN FOLLOW ME. 334 00:15:11,310 --> 00:15:13,312 ( explosion ) 335 00:15:15,814 --> 00:15:17,816 MAMMA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? 336 00:15:17,816 --> 00:15:19,818 ERNEST, 337 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,822 WAS I DREAMING 338 00:15:23,822 --> 00:15:27,826 OR WAS THERE AN ALMIGHTY BANG? 339 00:15:27,826 --> 00:15:31,329 IT WAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. 340 00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:34,333 MY GOD, THE GESTAPO HAVE BEEN BLOWN TO LITTLE PIECES. 341 00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:35,834 THEY WERE UNDER THE BED. 342 00:15:35,834 --> 00:15:39,337 YOU WISH TO INTERROGATE MY MAMMA AND MONSIEUR LECLERC? 343 00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:41,340 WELL, HERE THEY ARE. 344 00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:44,343 WE WILL COME BACK WHEN OUR HEADACHES ARE BETTER. 345 00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:49,214 GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN HAS BECOME A LIABILITY. 346 00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:52,717 THIS CRACKPOT PLAN TO KIDNAP CHURCHILL 347 00:15:52,718 --> 00:15:54,720 WILL GET US INTO SERIOUS TROUBLE. 348 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,722 WE COULD ALL BE COURT-MARTIALED. 349 00:15:56,722 --> 00:15:58,724 AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER MAY BE SHOT BY THE BRITISH. 350 00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:01,226 WHICH WOULD BE MOST DISTRESSING. 351 00:16:02,227 --> 00:16:03,728 WE MUST GET INTO THE HOSPITAL, 352 00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:05,230 SEE VON KLINKERHOFFEN 353 00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:07,232 AND ALERT HIM TO THE SITUATION. 354 00:16:07,232 --> 00:16:09,234 BUT HE IS ROUND THE TWIST. 355 00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:12,737 FOR A GERMAN GENERAL THAT IS NOT UNUSUAL. 356 00:16:14,239 --> 00:16:15,740 AND LESS ROUND THE TWIST 357 00:16:15,741 --> 00:16:17,743 IS BETTER THAN RIGHT ROUND THE TWIST. 358 00:16:19,244 --> 00:16:20,745 IF WE CAN GET TO HIM, 359 00:16:20,746 --> 00:16:22,247 HE CAN USE HIS INFLUENCE IN BERLIN 360 00:16:22,247 --> 00:16:24,249 TO HAVE VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN REMOVED, 361 00:16:24,249 --> 00:16:26,751 AND THIS MAD PLAN ABORTED. 362 00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:29,755 BUT NO ONE CAN SEE GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN. 363 00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:33,258 THE PSYCHIATRIC WING HAS BEEN PLACED OUT OF BOUNDS. 364 00:16:33,258 --> 00:16:35,260 WE MUST FIND A WAY OF GETTING IN. 365 00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:37,262 MAY I SUGGEST, TO THIS END 366 00:16:37,262 --> 00:16:39,264 THAT YOU ARRANGE FOR A LITTLE ENTERTAINMENT 367 00:16:39,264 --> 00:16:40,765 AT CAFE RENE TONIGHT, 368 00:16:40,766 --> 00:16:42,267 TO KEEP GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN 369 00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:43,268 OUT OF THE WAY, 370 00:16:43,268 --> 00:16:45,270 WHILE I DISGUISE MYSELF AS A NURSE 371 00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:46,771 AND GO TO THE HOSPITAL? 372 00:16:46,772 --> 00:16:48,774 ON WHAT PRETEXT? 373 00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:50,776 I WILL TAKE CAPTAIN BERTORELLI WITH ME, 374 00:16:50,776 --> 00:16:52,277 WHO WILL PRETEND TO BE A PATIENT 375 00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:54,279 IN NEED OF PSYCHIATRIC HELP, 376 00:16:54,279 --> 00:16:55,780 AND TOGETHER WE WILL GAIN ACCESS 377 00:16:55,781 --> 00:16:57,783 TO THE GENERAL'S ROOM. 378 00:16:57,783 --> 00:17:01,286 I WAS GOING TO SUGGEST SOMETHING LIKE THAT MYSELF. 379 00:17:01,286 --> 00:17:02,787 WAIT A MINUTE. 380 00:17:02,788 --> 00:17:05,290 WHY I HAVE TO PLAY THE FRUITCAKE? 381 00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:09,795 YOU WILL BE THE MOST BELIEVABLE. 382 00:17:10,796 --> 00:17:12,798 I DON'T THINK I LIKE THIS PLAN. 383 00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:14,299 MAYBE YOU'D LIKE ME TO RECOMMEND YOU 384 00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:16,801 FOR THE DEATH OR GLORY SUICIDE SQUAD? 385 00:17:16,802 --> 00:17:19,304 YOU'VE CONVINCED ME. 386 00:17:19,304 --> 00:17:22,307 ALREADY I CAN FEEL A FIT COMING ON. 387 00:17:25,310 --> 00:17:27,812 HOW NICE TO SEE YOU ALL. 388 00:17:27,813 --> 00:17:29,815 SIT OVER HERE, PLEASE. THANK YOU. 389 00:17:31,316 --> 00:17:33,318 I HAVE ARRANGED THE ENTERTAINMENT 390 00:17:33,318 --> 00:17:34,819 YOU REQUESTED, COLONEL. 391 00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:35,821 GET ON WITH IT, RENE. 392 00:17:35,821 --> 00:17:37,322 YES, OF COURSE. 393 00:17:39,324 --> 00:17:40,325 ( claps ) 394 00:17:40,325 --> 00:17:42,827 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE. 395 00:17:42,828 --> 00:17:45,330 IT IS CABARET TIME AT CAFE RENE. 396 00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:47,332 AND THE FIRST ITEM ON THE BILL, 397 00:17:47,332 --> 00:17:49,834 MY WIFE EDITH, MADAME EDITH, 398 00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:52,337 WILL SING FOR YOU A SONG SHE HAS PREPARED. 399 00:17:58,343 --> 00:17:59,844 SPLENDID. 400 00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:01,346 WHAT IS THE CHEESE FOR? 401 00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:04,349 TO STUFF IN YOUR EARS. 402 00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:06,351 SURELY THAT IS NOT NECESSARY? 403 00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:07,852 IT IS OPTIONAL. 404 00:18:19,865 --> 00:18:23,368 ♪ I LOVE THE MUSIC FROM BRAZIL ♪ 405 00:18:23,368 --> 00:18:26,871 ♪ IT ALWAYS GIVES ME SUCH A THRILL ♪ 406 00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:30,375 ♪ IT SAYS SO MANY THINGS IN DIFFERENT WAYS ♪ 407 00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:38,383 ♪ AND EVERY TIME IT PLAYS ♪ 408 00:18:38,383 --> 00:18:41,886 ♪ SHE BURSTS OUT OF HER STAYS ♪ 409 00:18:43,388 --> 00:18:45,390 ♪ IT DRIVES ME CRACKERS ♪ 410 00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:46,391 ♪ AND I CAN'T HELP MYSELF ♪ 411 00:18:46,391 --> 00:18:47,892 ♪ I MUST ♪ 412 00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:49,895 ♪ PLAY THE MARACAS ♪ 413 00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:55,400 ♪ IT DRIVES ME CRACKERS ♪ 414 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:56,901 ♪ AND I CAN'T HELP MYSELF ♪ 415 00:18:56,902 --> 00:18:58,403 ♪ I MUST, I MUST, I MUST ♪ 416 00:18:58,403 --> 00:19:01,906 ♪ PLAY MY MARACAS ♪ 417 00:19:04,409 --> 00:19:05,410 - OLE! - OLE! 418 00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:12,917 EVERYWHERE BLUEBOTTLEY, HA. 419 00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:14,419 BLUEBOTTLEY-- 420 00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:15,920 TOTALLY ROUND THE BEND. 421 00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:17,923 BLUEBOTTLEY, HA! 422 00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:23,928 ♪ AND SO I DRIVE THE BOYS ALL MAD AT NIGHT ♪ 423 00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:25,931 ♪ AND THEY GO ♪ 424 00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:27,432 ♪ CRACKERS ♪ 425 00:19:27,432 --> 00:19:30,935 ♪ FOR MY MARACAS. ♪ 426 00:19:33,438 --> 00:19:34,439 - OLE! - OLE! 427 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,942 ( little applause ) 428 00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:39,444 HAS SHE FINISHED YET? 429 00:19:39,444 --> 00:19:40,945 I THINK SO. 430 00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:42,447 THANK GOD FOR THAT. 431 00:19:42,447 --> 00:19:44,449 WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER SONG, HERR GENERAL? 432 00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:47,953 THEY ARE NOT MASOCHISTS, EDITH. 433 00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:50,956 I COULD SING YOU A TRAGIC SONG. 434 00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:53,458 YOU JUST DID. 435 00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:54,959 WHAT DID THE GENERAL THINK? 436 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,462 I'M SURE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN BETTER, DARLING. 437 00:19:57,462 --> 00:19:59,464 IN FACT, YOUR VOICE REMINDS ME OF MY BOYHOOD 438 00:19:59,464 --> 00:20:00,965 ON A FARM IN BAVARIA. 439 00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:03,969 OH, YOU MEAN LIKE THE GOLDEN MAIDENS 440 00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:05,971 WHO SING IN THE CORNFIELDS? 441 00:20:05,971 --> 00:20:07,472 NO, THE THRESHING MACHINE. 442 00:20:10,475 --> 00:20:12,977 I SHALL NOT SING AGAIN THIS NIGHT! 443 00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:14,980 WHAT'S NEXT ON THE CABARET, RENE? 444 00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:16,982 WE HAVE JUST LOST IT. 445 00:20:16,982 --> 00:20:19,484 IN THAT CASE, I SHALL BE OFF TO SEE 446 00:20:19,484 --> 00:20:21,486 HOW POOR OLD PIGGY'S GETTING ON. 447 00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:22,987 OH, DON'T GO, GENERAL. 448 00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:24,990 GRUBER, PLAY FOR THE GENERAL. 449 00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,992 HE'D LIKE THAT. 450 00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:28,493 OH, YOU PLAY, LIEUTENANT? 451 00:20:28,493 --> 00:20:29,994 ONLY NOW AND THEN. 452 00:20:29,995 --> 00:20:32,497 YOU REALLY ARE A TALENTED FELLOW. 453 00:20:32,497 --> 00:20:33,998 SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO. 454 00:20:33,999 --> 00:20:36,501 RENE, LIEUTENANT GRUBER WOULD LIKE TO PLAY. 455 00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:38,002 OF COURSE, COLONEL, YES. 456 00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:44,009 Gruber: YOU WILL LIKE THIS ONE, RENE. 457 00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:47,512 IT IS VERY APPROPRIATE FOR THE CAFE. 458 00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:49,013 ( plays piano intro ) 459 00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:52,017 ♪ SEE WHAT THE BOYS ♪ 460 00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:55,020 ♪ IN THE BACK ROOM WILL HAVE ♪ 461 00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:58,023 ♪ AND TELL THEM I'M HAVING THE SAME ♪ 462 00:20:59,524 --> 00:21:03,027 ♪ GO SEE WHAT THE BOYS IN THE BACK ROOM WILL HAVE ♪ 463 00:21:03,028 --> 00:21:06,031 ♪ AND GIVE THEM THE POISON THEY NAME ♪ 464 00:21:06,031 --> 00:21:08,033 ♪ AND WHEN I DIE ♪ 465 00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:10,535 ♪ DON'T SPEND MY MONEY ♪ 466 00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:14,038 ♪ ON FLOWERS AND MY PICTURE IN A FRAME ♪ 467 00:21:14,039 --> 00:21:17,542 Everyone: ♪ JUST SEE WHAT THE BOYS ♪ 468 00:21:17,542 --> 00:21:19,544 ♪ IN THE BACK ROOM WILL HAVE ♪ 469 00:21:19,544 --> 00:21:22,547 ♪ AND TELL THEM I SIGHED ♪ 470 00:21:22,547 --> 00:21:25,049 ♪ AND TELL THEM I CRIED ♪ 471 00:21:25,050 --> 00:21:26,051 ♪ CRIED ♪ 472 00:21:26,051 --> 00:21:29,054 ♪ AND TELL THEM I DIED-- ♪ 473 00:21:29,054 --> 00:21:31,556 ♪ OF THE SAME. ♪ 474 00:21:31,556 --> 00:21:34,058 BRAVO! 475 00:21:34,059 --> 00:21:36,561 All: BRAVO! Colonel: BRAVO, GRUBER! 476 00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,967 Bertorelli: BLUEBOTTLEY, BLUEBOTTLEY, 477 00:21:41,967 --> 00:21:43,969 EVERYWHERE BLUEBOTTLEY. 478 00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:45,470 IT IS I, HELGA. 479 00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:47,472 HELGA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 480 00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:48,973 WHAT IS CAPTAIN BERTORELLI DOING? 481 00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:51,977 YOU CAN STOP ACTING NOW! 482 00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:54,479 I GET CARRIED AWAY WITH THE PART. 483 00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:58,983 MY PHONE'S BEEN CUT OFF. I AM A PRISONER HERE. 484 00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:00,986 HEADS WILL ROLL FOR THIS. 485 00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,988 WE ARE GOING TO TRY TO GET YOU RELEASED, GENERAL. 486 00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:04,489 BUT FIRST WE NEED THE PHONE NUMBERS 487 00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:06,491 OF YOUR POWERFUL FRIENDS IN BERLIN, 488 00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:08,493 TO OVERRIDE GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN'S ORDERS. 489 00:22:08,493 --> 00:22:09,994 WHAT ORDERS? 490 00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:12,998 HE AND GENERAL VON BRATWURSTEN ARE PLANNING TO FLY TO ENGLAND 491 00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:15,000 TO SNATCH CHURCHILL, 492 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,502 WHILE HE'S DOING A PAINTING IN THE BOGNOR. 493 00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:20,505 FOOLS! 494 00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:23,508 OUR INVASION PLANS ARE IMMINENT. THEY COULD BE JEOPARDIZED. 495 00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:25,009 VON BRATWURSTEN IS A HOTHEAD, 496 00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,012 AND VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN IS AN IDIOT. 497 00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:29,014 YOU MUST GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW! 498 00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:30,515 I MUST PHONE BERLIN PERSONALLY. 499 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:32,517 AND THEN I WILL DEAL WITH VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN. 500 00:22:32,517 --> 00:22:34,018 BUT HOW? 501 00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:36,021 HIS TROOPS HAVE THE ORDERS TO KEEP YOU HERE. 502 00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:39,023 ARE MY MEN STILL AT THE CHATEAU? 503 00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:41,026 YES, GENERAL. 504 00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:42,527 HMM... 505 00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:44,529 THE WINDOWS ARE BARRED. 506 00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:46,531 WE MUST GO OUT THE WAY YOU CAME IN. 507 00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:48,032 GET OFF YOUR UNIFORM. 508 00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:50,035 - YES, GENERAL. - ( Bertorelli leers ) 509 00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:51,536 NO, NOT YOU, HELGA. YOU, BERTORELLI. 510 00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:53,538 - HELGA, YOU CAN HELP ME. - BUT, GENERAL-- 511 00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:55,540 DO AS I SAY! 512 00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:02,046 I CHANGE BEHIND THE SCREEN. 513 00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:04,049 YOU COULD BE A CORPORAL AGAIN FOR THIS. 514 00:23:04,049 --> 00:23:06,551 THANK YOU, GENERAL. BUT WHAT IS YOUR PLAN? 515 00:23:06,551 --> 00:23:07,552 HURRY UP! 516 00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:13,057 YOU PUSHED AN IDIOT IN. YOU'RE GOING TO WHEEL ONE OUT. 517 00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:15,060 AND WHAT ABOUT ME? 518 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:17,062 WHEN I'M BACK IN COMMAND, YOU'LL BE RELEASED. 519 00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:22,067 WHAT IF YOU HAVE THE SLIP UP? 520 00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:24,569 THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO PROVE THAT YOU'RE NOT MAD. 521 00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:27,572 I COULD BE HERE A LONG TIME. 522 00:23:27,572 --> 00:23:29,574 YOU THERE, 523 00:23:29,574 --> 00:23:31,075 MORE WINE! 524 00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:33,578 GENERAL, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH? 525 00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:35,580 NO, WHEN I WAS IN THE CONDOR LEGION, 526 00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:38,082 I COULD DRINK 10 MEN OFF THE TABLE. 527 00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:40,085 AND THEY WERE REAL MEN. 528 00:23:40,085 --> 00:23:41,586 HOW YOU MUST MISS THOSE DAYS. 529 00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:46,591 PERHAPS THE GENERAL WOULD LIKE TO PAY 530 00:23:46,591 --> 00:23:48,092 FOR THE OTHER BOTTLES NOW? 531 00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:49,594 PUT IT ON THE SLATE, SWEETIE. 532 00:23:49,594 --> 00:23:51,596 I'LL PAY FOR IT LATER. 533 00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:54,599 - HOW MUCH LATER? - WHEN THE WAR IS OVER. 534 00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:57,602 I WILL ORDER SOME NEW SLATES TOMORROW. 535 00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:00,605 DON'T FORGET ME, PLEASE. 536 00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:02,607 I GET ANOTHER MEDAL, YES? 537 00:24:02,607 --> 00:24:04,609 YOU'RE HARDLY GOING TO GET THE IRON CROSS 538 00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:06,611 JUST FOR LENDING ME YOUR UNIFORM. 539 00:24:06,611 --> 00:24:08,613 QUICK, PRIVATE GEERHART, 540 00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:10,114 TO MY HEADQUARTERS. 541 00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:13,118 AND THEN WE WILL DEAL WITH VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN. 542 00:24:13,118 --> 00:24:16,121 BLUEBOTTLEY, BLUEBOTTLEY, 543 00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:19,124 EVERYWHERE THERE'S BLUEBOTTLIES. 544 00:24:26,631 --> 00:24:29,266 MORE WINE! MORE WINE. 545 00:24:29,267 --> 00:24:30,768 THAT GENERAL IS GOING TO BANKRUPT US 546 00:24:30,769 --> 00:24:32,270 IF HE COMES HERE MUCH MORE OFTEN. 547 00:24:32,270 --> 00:24:34,272 I DO NOT LIKE HIM, RENE. 548 00:24:34,272 --> 00:24:36,274 HE HAS MEAN LITTLE EYES, 549 00:24:36,274 --> 00:24:38,276 AND HE IS CLEARLY TONE DEAF. 550 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:43,781 WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW. 551 00:24:45,784 --> 00:24:48,286 YOU KNOW, THIS WINE IS NO GOOD. 552 00:24:48,286 --> 00:24:50,788 YOU THERE, PEASANT, COME HERE. 553 00:24:50,789 --> 00:24:52,791 THIS PEASANT, OR THIS PEASANT? 554 00:24:52,791 --> 00:24:54,292 THE ONE WITH THE MUSTACHE. 555 00:24:58,296 --> 00:24:59,297 GENERAL? 556 00:24:59,297 --> 00:25:01,299 DO YOU KNOW, I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED 557 00:25:01,299 --> 00:25:03,301 IF YOU'RE HIDING YOUR BEST WINES FROM US? 558 00:25:03,301 --> 00:25:05,303 YES, SO WHERE IS YOUR WINE CELLAR? 559 00:25:05,303 --> 00:25:06,804 I WISH TO SEE FOR MYSELF. 560 00:25:06,805 --> 00:25:08,306 I ASSURE YOU, GENERAL, I HAVE GIVEN YOU 561 00:25:08,306 --> 00:25:10,308 THE FINEST WINES THAT I POSSESS. 562 00:25:10,308 --> 00:25:11,309 SO YOU SAY. 563 00:25:11,309 --> 00:25:14,312 BUT I WILL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT, HMM? 564 00:25:14,312 --> 00:25:16,314 OH, ALL RIGHT. IF YOU MUST. 565 00:25:16,314 --> 00:25:18,816 IT IS THE DOOR IN THE PASSAGE. 566 00:25:18,817 --> 00:25:20,318 BUT THERE IS NO LIGHT. 567 00:25:20,318 --> 00:25:22,820 WELL THEN, GIVE ME A CANDLE. 568 00:25:22,821 --> 00:25:24,823 WE DO NOT HAVE ANY. 569 00:25:24,823 --> 00:25:27,325 NO? NO CANDLES? 570 00:25:27,325 --> 00:25:29,327 THEN WHAT IS THIS? 571 00:25:32,330 --> 00:25:33,331 A CANDLE, GENERAL. 572 00:25:33,331 --> 00:25:35,333 YES, IT'S A CANDLE. 573 00:25:36,835 --> 00:25:37,836 ♪ SEE WHAT THE BOYS ♪ 574 00:25:37,836 --> 00:25:40,839 ♪ IN THE BACK ROOM WILL HAVE... ♪ 575 00:25:40,839 --> 00:25:43,341 WHY DID YOU LEAVE THEM THERE?! THAT WAS DYNAMITE! 576 00:25:43,341 --> 00:25:46,344 HOW WAS I TO KNOW HE WAS GOING TO ASK FOR A CANDLE? 577 00:25:47,846 --> 00:25:49,848 MOUTON CADET, EH? 578 00:25:49,848 --> 00:25:51,850 ST. JULIEN. 579 00:25:51,850 --> 00:25:53,852 LET US TAKE THE MONEY FROM THE TILL, 580 00:25:53,852 --> 00:25:55,353 AND LEG IT ACROSS THE FRONTIER. 581 00:25:55,353 --> 00:25:57,355 TOO LATE, IT IS THE END. 582 00:25:57,355 --> 00:26:00,358 NO ONE WILL NOTICE US. WE CAN SLIP OUT QUIETLY. 583 00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:03,861 WHERE IS GENERAL VON FLOCKENSTUFFEN? 584 00:26:03,862 --> 00:26:06,364 I'M BACK IN COMMAND. HE'S UNDER ARREST. 585 00:26:06,364 --> 00:26:08,366 IN THE CELLAR, GENERAL. 586 00:26:08,366 --> 00:26:09,367 MAY I SAY, GENERAL, 587 00:26:09,367 --> 00:26:11,369 HOW RELIEVED WE ARE TO SEE YOU? 588 00:26:11,369 --> 00:26:13,371 WE HOPED OUR LITTLE PLAN WOULD WORK. 589 00:26:13,371 --> 00:26:14,872 - ( explosion ) - ( people scream ) 590 00:26:15,874 --> 00:26:16,875 WHAT WAS THAT EXPLOSION? 591 00:26:17,876 --> 00:26:19,878 POSSIBLY AN EXPLODING CORK. 592 00:26:19,878 --> 00:26:22,380 SOME OF MY CHAMPAGNE IS VERY OLD. 593 00:26:25,383 --> 00:26:27,385 THE CANDLE EXPLODED. 594 00:26:27,385 --> 00:26:29,387 IT WAS A STICK OF DYNAMITE. 595 00:26:29,387 --> 00:26:32,390 I AM SORRY, I DID NOT INTEND TO GIVE HIM DYNAMITE. 596 00:26:32,390 --> 00:26:34,892 IT WAS LEFT THERE BY SOMEBODY I DO NOT KNOW, 597 00:26:34,893 --> 00:26:36,895 TO GIVE TO SOMEBODY I HAD NEVER HEARD OF. 598 00:26:38,897 --> 00:26:40,899 YOU CARRIED OUT OUR INSTRUCTIONS 599 00:26:40,899 --> 00:26:41,900 TO THE LETTER, RENE. 600 00:26:41,900 --> 00:26:44,903 YOU ARE QUITE A HERO. 601 00:26:44,903 --> 00:26:46,905 THIS MAN, 602 00:26:46,905 --> 00:26:49,407 AT GREAT PERSONAL RISK, 603 00:26:49,407 --> 00:26:52,410 GAVE THE GENERAL AN EXPLODING CANDLE, 604 00:26:52,410 --> 00:26:54,412 TO RENDER HIM UNABLE TO CARRY OUT 605 00:26:54,412 --> 00:26:56,414 HIS MADCAP SCHEME, 606 00:26:56,414 --> 00:26:58,916 WHICH COULD HAVE REFLECTED BADLY ON YOUR COMMAND. 607 00:26:58,917 --> 00:27:00,919 WHERE AM I? 608 00:27:00,919 --> 00:27:02,921 WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE? 609 00:27:02,921 --> 00:27:05,924 IS MY HEAD ON THE RIGHT WAY ROUND? 610 00:27:07,425 --> 00:27:09,427 TAKE THE GENERAL TO THE HOSPITAL-- 611 00:27:09,427 --> 00:27:11,429 FRUITCAKE WARD-- 612 00:27:11,429 --> 00:27:13,431 AND RELEASE CAPTAIN BERTORELLI. QUICK MARCH. 613 00:27:19,437 --> 00:27:20,438 EXCELLENT WORK. 614 00:27:21,940 --> 00:27:23,441 AND YOU, MY FINE FELLOW. 615 00:27:23,441 --> 00:27:25,943 I SHALL RECOMMEND YOU FOR A COLLABORATION MEDAL. 616 00:27:28,446 --> 00:27:30,448 A COLLABORATION MEDAL? 617 00:27:30,448 --> 00:27:32,950 OH MY GOD, THAT IS THE LAST THING I NEED. 618 00:27:32,951 --> 00:27:35,453 OH, RENE, WOULD YOU LIKE ME 619 00:27:35,453 --> 00:27:37,955 TO SING YOU A SONG TO SOOTHE YOUR NERVES? 620 00:27:39,457 --> 00:27:41,459 WELL, THEY DO SAY THAT-- 621 00:27:41,459 --> 00:27:42,960 ONE PAIN CAN CANCEL OUT ANOTHER. 622 00:27:44,462 --> 00:27:47,465 ♪ FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN ♪ 623 00:27:47,465 --> 00:27:48,966 ♪ NEVER WANTED TO... ♪ 624 00:27:50,969 --> 00:27:54,472 ( theme music playing )