( theme music playing )
♪ EVERY LITTLE BREEZE SEEMS TO WHISPER LOUISE... ♪
( spits )
♪ BIRDS IN THE TREES SEEM TO WHITTER LOUISE ♪
♪ EACH LITTLE-- ♪ AH!
I AM SINGING AN HAPPY SONG,
BECAUSE I AM AN HAPPY MAN.
THE TWO AIRMEN ARE NOW IN THE MORTUARY,
THE MORTUARY OF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, THE UNDERTAKER.
THEY ARE NOT DEAD, NO,
THEY ARE WAITING TO TUNNEL
INTO THE BRITISH PRISONER OF WAR CAMP ACROSS THE ROAD.
SO, I HAVE SEEN THE LAST OF THEM.
THE PORTRAIT OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG YOU-KNOW-WHATS IS IN THE OFFICE OF THE COLONEL,
AND GOOD RIDDANCE TO IT.
I CAN NOW DEAL WITH THE NORMAL EVERYDAY PROBLEMS
OF RUNNING MY CAFE.
THESE PROBLEMS ARE:
ONE, TO PREVENT MARIA FROM KNOWING
THAT I AM HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YVETTE;
TWO, TO PREVENT YVETTE FROM KNOWING
THAT I AM HAVING IT OFF WITH MARIA;
AND THREE, TO PREVENT MY WIFE KNOWING
THAT I AM HAVING A DING-DONG WITH BOTH OF THEM.
THE REASON I AM SITTING OUT HERE,
POLISHING THE CUTLERY,
IS SO THAT I CAN SEE WHEN MY WIFE
GOES INTO THE SHOP OF MONSIEUR CHEVAL, THE BUTCHER.
AH, YES, SHE IS ENTERING.
HE IS-- HE IS GREETING HER.
NOW HE IS POINTING AT A CHICKEN WITH HIS CHOPPER.
THESE NEGOTIATIONS WILL TAKE AT LEAST 10 MINUTES,
AND COULD INCLUDE A VISIT TO THE COLD ROOM.
SO I HAVE A LITTLE TIME TO SPARE.
YVETTE?!
( growling ) RRR-RENE!
OH, MY LITTLE WOOD PIGEON.
MY BIG GOOSE.
AHH-- OOF!
RENE, CAN YOU FEEL THE WILD BEATING
OF MY HEART THROUGH THIS THIN BLOUSE?
NO, PRESS HARDER.
OH, RENE, HOW MUCH LONGER CAN WE GO ON LIKE THIS?
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO PLUCK A CHICKEN?
- RENE. - HUH?
I KNOW HOW YOU MUST FEEL WHEN I AM WITH OTHER MEN,
BUT DO NOT WORRY--
ALL THE TIME I AM THINKING OF YOU.
AHH, AND WHEN I AM WITH MY WIFE,
ALL THE TIME I AM THINKING OF YOU.
IT DOES NOT HELP.
I MUST GO.
- OH, NO. - OH, YES.
HOLD ME FOR ONE LAST TIME.
( both gasp )
RENE, COME TO ME TONIGHT.
I WILL GIVE YOU A SIGNAL WHEN ALL IS CLEAR.
WHAT WILL THE SIGNAL BE?
I WILL TAKE THE RED LIGHT OUT OF MY WINDOW.
OH, YVETTE, ALWAYS THE ROMANTIC.
GO NOW, MY CHILD.
RENE!
MARIA!
OH, RENE, HOW MUCH LONGER
CAN WE GO ON LIKE THIS?
AS LONG AS MY WIFE IS WELL AND STRONG ENOUGH
TO GET TO THE BUTCHER'S.
COME TO MY ROOM TONIGHT?
NO, MARIA, IT IS TOO RISKY.
HOW ABOUT THE AIRING CUPBOARD NEXT TO THE BATHROOM?
IT IS TOO HOT.
THIS TIME I WILL STAND
WITH MY BACK TO THE TANK.
OH, WELL... VERY WELL.
I WILL SEE THAT MY WIFE HAS A GOOD BATH,
TO RUN OFF AS MUCH HOT WATER AS POSSIBLE.
OH, RENE!
PUT THAT GIRL DOWN AND LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.
THE AIRMEN ARE IN THE MORTUARY,
BUT THE DIGGING OF THE TUNNEL IS TOO SLOW.
THEY HAVE COME TO AN HARD BIT.
THEY NEED HELP.
WHY CANNOT THE UNDERTAKERS GIVE THEM AN HAND?
THEY ARE DIGGING GRAVES.
IN THE GRAVES, THEY PUT THE EARTH
THAT IS DUG FROM THE TUNNEL.
IF THEY ARE PUTTING THE EARTH FROM THE TUNNELS
IN THE GRAVES,
WHERE ARE THEY PUTTING THE EARTH FROM THE GRAVES?
THEY ARE DIGGING OTHER GRAVES.
WILL NOT THE GERMANS BECOME SUSPICIOUS
AT THE DIGGING OF ALL THESE GRAVES?
NOT IF WE KEEP SHOOTING GERMANS TO PUT IN THEM.
YOU ARE VERY DETERMINED, ARE YOU NOT?
EDITH, EDITH!
HOW MUCH LONGER HAVE I TO REMAIN LIKE THIS,
WITH MY LEGS IN THE AIR?
OH, QUIET, MAMMA.
RENE IS JUST BRINGING THE NEW BATTERIES FOR THE RADIO.
EDITH, THESE ARE DAMNED HEAVY. OPEN IT UP.
EDITH...
EDITH! NOW!
I HAVE HEARD THAT LAST NIGHT
THE GERMAN SWINE
TOOK AWAY MY PAINTING OF THE FLOWERS.
BE THANKFUL THEY DID NOT STEAL THE SILVER.
THAT WAS GIVEN TO ME
BY A PENNILESS ARTIST
WHO WENT ROUND THE TWIST.
IT LOOKED TO ME AS IF HE WAS ROUND THE TWIST WHEN HE PAINTED IT.
AH--
BUT HE WAS SO IN LOVE WITH ME.
HE SAID
IF I DID NOT MARRY HIM,
HE WOULD TAKE A KNIFE,
AND CUT OFF BITS OF HIS PERSON
AND SEND THEM TO ME.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM, MAMMA?
HE WENT AWAY.
BUT I REMEMBER,
I DID RECEIVE,
BY REGISTERED POST,
AN EAR.
AN EAR?!
WHAT WAS HIS NAME?
I CALLED HIM BOBBY.
THANK GOD FOR THAT.
WELL, I THOUGHT
VINCENT
SOUNDED TOO POOFY.
VINCENT?!
YOU SILLY OLD BAT! THAT WAS A VAN GOGH!
ALL THIS TIME, WE HAVE HAD ON OUR WALLS
A VAN GOGH AND WE DID NOT KNOW!
YOU SAID IT WAS A WORTHLESS DAUB.
- WELL, WHAT DO I KNOW? - ( radio buzzing )
AARGHH! THE BEDKNOBS, THE FLASHING BEDKNOBS.
'Allo, Nighthawk, 'allo, Nighthawk.
Are you receiving me? Over.
'ALLO, 'ALLO, NIGHTHAWK HERE.
GIVE THAT TO ME!
YOU ARE NOT NIGHTHAWK.
I AM NIGHTHAWK.
YOU ARE MRS. NIGHTHAWK.
'ALLO, 'ALLO, THIS IS NIGHTHAWK SPEAKING.
PASS YOUR MESSAGE, PLEASE. OVER.
Has Old Mother Hubbard
got together with Miss Muffet
and Little Boy Blue? Over.
LOOK IT UP, EDITH, HAS OLD MOTHER HUBBARD
GOT TOGETHER WITH MISS MUFFET AND LITTLE BOY BLUE?
THE WAY PEOPLE CARRY ON THESE DAYS,
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
SHUT UP!
IT MEANS, "ARE THE AIRMEN
INSIDE THE PRISONER OF WAR CAMP?"
WE MUST TELL THEM NO.
LITTLE BOY BLUE IS STILL HOLDING
MISS MUFFET'S TUFFET.
BUT WE ARE HOPING TO GET THEM
UP THE BEANSTALK TONIGHT. OVER.
DID YOU WRITE DOWN THE MESSAGE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN?
AS YOU ORDERED, HERR FLICK.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
FORTUNATELY, I WAS EDUCATED AT OXFORD.
THESE ARE NURSERY RHYMES.
THERE MUST BE SOME CONNECTION.
AS I RECALL...
MOTHER HUBBARD WAS THE ONE WHO HAD THE CUPBOARD.
AIRMEN CAN HIDE IN A CUPBOARD.
EXCELLENT.
LITTLE MISS MUFFET, SHE HAD THE TUFFET.
WHAT IS A TUFFET?
A TUFFET IS A MOUND OF EARTH,
SIMILAR TO THAT THROWN UP...
BY THE MOLE.
AND WHERE DO MOLES LIVE?
UNDERGROUND!
THEY HAVE BEEN HIDDEN IN THE CUPBOARD,
BY THE UNDERGROUND.
NOW--
WHAT DID LITTLE BOY BLUE HAVE?
I CANNOT REMEMBER.
THINK, VON SMALLHAUSEN.
YOUR WHOLE CAREER MAY DEPEND ON IT.
AHHH, IT ALL COMES BACK--
OXFORD, THE RIVER,
THE DREAMING SPIRE--
HE HAD THE HORN.
THE FRENCH HORN.
THEY HAVE BEEN HIDDEN BY THE FRENCH UNDERGROUND
IN THIS CUPBOARD.
NOW, WHERE IS THE CUPBOARD?
IS THERE NO CLUE WE HAVE MISSED?
WE HAVE THE TUFFET, THE HORN, THE CUPBOARD.
MOTHER HUBBARD WAS LOOKING IN THE CUPBOARD
TO FIND FOR HER POOR DOGGY, A BONE.
A BONE,
AND WHERE DO YOU FIND BONES?
AT THE BUTCHER'S?
WHERE ELSE, VON SMALLHAUSEN? WHERE ELSE?
IN THE GRAVEYARD.
WHERE, LATELY, THERE HAS BEEN MUCH DIGGING.
WE WILL INVESTIGATE.
YOU HAVE AN INCREDIBLE BRAIN, HERR FLICK.
DO NOT BE A LITTLE CRAWLER.
- GOOD DAY TO YOU, CAPTAIN. - HELLO.
I HAVE BROUGHT YOU YOUR USUAL.
ONE DOES NOT NORMALLY SEE YOU WITHOUT THE COLONEL.
HE IS CROSS WITH ME. WE ARE HARDLY SPEAKING.
ALL HE SAID THIS MORNING WAS, "HEIL HITLER."
NOT EXACTLY THE START
OF A SPARKLING CONVERSATION.
WHAT IS THE REASON FOR THIS RUPTURE
IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
THE SHOOTING LAST NIGHT.
THAT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU DID NOT SHOOT ANYBODY.
IT WAS MY JEALOUS, IMPETUOUS WIFE.
SHE USED MY GUN.
HE'S LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW? THE COLONEL.
HE CONFISCATED MY JACKBOOTS ONCE,
JUST BECAUSE I REFUSED TO KICK A PEASANT.
I CAN TELL YOU, RENE, I AM NOT ENJOYING THIS WAR.
YOU SURPRISE ME, CAPTAIN.
YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO BE HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME.
ONE HAS TO KEEP UP APPEARANCES.
IT IS NOT ALWAYS EASY, YOU KNOW, GOOSESTEPPING ABOUT,
SHOUTING AND RANTING.
IT IS HARD TO BE A CONQUERING HERO,
WHEN IT IS NOT IN YOUR NATURE.
WHY DO YOU DO IT?
( groans ) IT IS HITLER.
HE'S A VERY DEMANDING CHAP.
YEAH, OF COURSE.
THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN A BAD-TEMPERED DECORATOR.
WE HAD ONE HERE ONCE, YOU KNOW?
RENE, THAT BRIBE YOU GAVE TO THE POLICEMAN,
WILL IT BE ENOUGH TO KEEP HIM QUIET?
YOU CAN RELY ON IT.
RENE...
I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH.
I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, RENE.
I WILL. PERFUME...
SILK STOCKINGS...
ANY LITTLE LUXURY YOU CARE TO NAME...
THERMAL UNDERWEAR?
AM I INTERRUPTING ANYTHING?
NO, NO, NO.
WE'RE JUST DISCUSSING A LITTLE PRIVATE MATTER BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.
I SEE.
I, UH...
I HOPE THERE WERE NO REPERCUSSIONS
OVER THE SHOOTING HERE LAST NIGHT?
SHOOTING? NO, NO. DID YOU SEE A SHOOTING, RENE?
NOT THAT I CAN RECALL, NO.
MIND YOU, IT WAS A VERY LIVELY EVENING.
I UNDERSTAND.
AH, COLONEL, GOOD DAY TO YOU.
GOOD DAY, RENE.
GOOD DAY, HUBERT.
HELLO.
HEIL HITLER!
SAY "HEIL HITLER" FOR ME.
HAVE YOU TWO FALLEN OUT?
WE HAVE.
OVER A GIRL?
NO, NOT OVER A GIRL.
I SEE.
NOW, HUBERT, WHAT'S HAPPENING ABOUT THE PAINTINGS?
I HAVE TAKEN THEM TO MY QUARTERS.
GOOD.
THERE, I CAN COPY THE FALLEN MADONNA.
TWICE.
TWICE?
AH, I HAD BETTER MAKE A NOTE OF THIS.
- MY PENCIL. - THANK YOU.
MADONNA WITH BIG BOOBIES.
TWO.
ONE FOR HITLER, ONE FOR FLICK.
THE ORIGINAL CAN BE RETURNED TO ME.
YOU MEAN, RETURNED TO US, DON'T YOU?
HE'S STILL IGNORING ME, YOU SEE?
THE GENERAL HAS ALSO ASKED ME
TO MAKE A COPY OF THE VAN GOGH.
IS HE SENDING THE ORIGINAL TO HITLER?
NO, HE IS SENDING THE COPY TO HITLER.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?!
YOU WOULD THINK A GENERAL WOULD BE ABOVE THAT SORT OF THING, WOULDN'T YOU?
I KNOW A COLONEL IS NOT, BUT YOU'D THINK A GENERAL WOULD--
LIEUTENANT, DEAR LIEUTENANT,
WHILE YOU ARE AT IT, COULD YOU MAKE
ANOTHER COPY OF THE VAN GOGH?
TELL THE GENERAL IT IS THE REAL ONE,
AND RETURN THE ORIGINAL TO ME, THE RIGHTFUL OWNER.
THAT WOULD BE DISHONEST, RENE.
NOT IF WE SPLIT THE PROCEEDS AFTER THE WAR.
ANOTHER COPY, GRUBER.
THAT IS TWO VAN GOGHS,
AND TWO FALLEN MADONNAS.
FOUR BOOBIES.
SISTER, YOU WILL COME HERE.
I AM HERE, HERR FATHER.
GIVE TO ME MY POWERFUL BINOCULARS.
AT ONCE, HERR FATHER.
WHAT WAS IT YOU WERE HOPING TO SEE, HERR FATHER?
I HAVE ALREADY SEEN
WHAT I WAS HOPING TO SEE.
THERE IS MUCH DIGGING
AND VERY LITTLE BURYING.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
WE WAIT.
DO YOU WISH ME TO KISS YOU?
NOT WHILE YOU ARE DRESSED AS A NUN!
IT WOULD GIVE OFFENSE.
WHO WOULD IT UPSET?
IT WOULD UPSET ME.
VON SMALLHAUSEN, STOP SNOOPING
AND TAKE YOUR SMOKE BOMB ELSEWHERE.
HOLY FATHER, I HAVE SINNED.
I HAVE JOINED A HOUSE OF ILL REPUTE,
WHERE MANY WICKED GIRLS CAVORT IN SCANTY CLOTHES,
AND ARE NAUGHTY WITH MEN.
WELL... WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT?
HERR FATHER, YOU MUST GIVE TO THIS WICKED GIRL,
A PENANCE.
I SEE.
GO HOME AND SAY 100 HEIL HITLERS.
YOU LET HER OFF VERY LIGHTLY, HERR FATHER.
USUALLY YOU'RE MUCH MORE SEVERE.
( "Hallelujah Chorus" plays )
OVERTURE AND BEGINNERS, PLEASE.
COME, SISTER.
WE ARE ON.
DAMNED HARD WORK, FAIRFAX.
YES, I KNOW, AND YOU'VE LADDERED YOUR STOCKING.
HOW'S IT GOING, CHAPS?
WE'VE HIT ROCK OR SOMETHING.
WE REALLY NEED A DRILL.
WE CAN'T DO THAT,
IT WOULD MAKE TOO MUCH NOISE.
COULDN'T YOU DRUM UP SOME EXTRA BODS?
WE'RE GETTING SOME HELP FROM THE CAFE.
HOW'S IT GOING, SIMPSON?
IT'S A BIT STICKY, SIR.
IT'S NOT EASY WITH TEASPOONS.
KEEP BASHING ON. WE'VE GOT A COUPLE
OF HOURS BEFORE THE INSPECTION.
GOOD EVENING, ALL.
OH MY GOD.
OFFICER, WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE CAFE.
PSST!
IT IS I, LECLERC.
NO!
I HAVE A MESSAGE FROM MICHELLE.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR INSTRUCTIONS.
MADAME, A LADY REPORTED SEEING A FLASHER.
AND YOU HAD TO ARREST HIM.
ER, UH... NO.
I HAD TO DISGUISE MYSELF AS A POLICEMAN,
SO THAT SHE WOULD NOT RECOGNIZE HIM.
WHAT IS YOUR MESSAGE?
YOU ARE TO GO AT ONCE TO THE MORTUARY
AND HELP WITH THE DIGGING.
GO AT ONCE? AND HOW ARE WE TO GET THERE?
THE PLACE IS STIFF WITH GERMANS.
HERE, TAKE THIS UPSTAIRS TO MY MOTHER.
TELL HER SHE MUST GET DOWN HERE,
AND TAKE OVER THE BAR WHILE WE ARE GONE.
VERY GOOD, MADAME.
HOW LONG WILL YOU GO ON NOT SPEAKING TO ME?
THIS HAS NOT HAPPENED TO ME SINCE I WAS A SMALL BOY
AT SCHOOL AND THEY SENT ME TO COVENTRY.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE THING TO HAPPEN TO A SMALL BOY
WHEN YOU ARE AT SCHOOL IN DUSSELDORF.
OH, LOOK! WHY IS THAT WAITRESS LEANING OVER
AND SHOWING HER SUSPENDERS?
AHHH! YOU SEE!
SO YOU CAN HEAR.
( laughing )
OH, HECK. HERE COMES THAT ENGLISH IDIOT
WHO THINKS HE CAN SPEAK OUR LANGUAGE.
GOOD MOANING.
DO YOU WANT THE GOOD NOSE OR THE BAD NOSE?
OH, DO LET US HAVE THE GOOD NOSE.
I HAVE HASHED UP
THE SHATTING OF THE TWO TITS.
WHAT DOES CRABTREE SAY, YVETTE?
HE HAS HUSHED UP
THE SHOOTING OF THE TWO TARTS.
GOOD. AND WHAT IS THE BAD NOSE?
THE GESTAPO ARE HOOVERING
ROUND THE GRAVEYARD,
DISGEESED AS A NAN,
A BOSHOP,
AND A ROMAN CATHOLIC FARTER.
I KNEW I SHOULD NOT HAVE ASKED.
WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN?
THEY HAVE TAKEN SPADES.
THEY HAVE CRAPPED ALONG THE TUNNEL,
AND ARE DOGGING.
THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE A LOT OF FUN.
WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING THEM.
WHAT ARE WE TO DO?
WITH MY DISGEESE AS A POLOCEMAN,
I AM OBLE TO ESCOOT YOU THERE.
LOOK, CAN YOU NOT FIND A PHRASE BOOK
AND IMPROVE YOUR FRENCH?
IT IS TERRIBLE!
NOBODY HAS COMPLONED SO FUR.
IF THEY DO, I WILL TOLL THEM
THAT I AM FROM THE LEFT BONK.
YVETTE, MARIA--
GO ROUND THE TABLES AND COLLECT ALL THE FLOWERS
SO WE CAN TAKE THEM WITH US.
WHAT EXCUSE DO WE GIVE TO THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN?
YOU LEAVE THIS TO ME.
DEAR COLONEL, DEAR CAPTAIN,
FORGIVE US,
BUT WE ARE DEPARTING TO PAY OUR RESPECTS
TO THE TWO WOMEN OF THE STREET,
WHO I UNFORTUNATELY SHOT WITH YOUR GUN.
COME, LADIES.
HANS, I THINK THEY'RE UP TO SOMETHING.
OH, UNCLE KURT, YOU'RE SPEAKING TO ME.
OHHH, WHAT A RELIEF!
LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.
YES.
I THINK WE SHOULD FOLLOW RENE.
BUT GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN TOLD US TO WATCH THE CAFE.
YOU ARE RIGHT. WE SHOULD OBEY ORDERS.
WE WILL WATCH THE CAFE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TONIGHT, IT IS CABARET TIME,
AT THE CAFE RENE.
AND IN THE ABSENCE OF MADAME EDITH,
PLEASE TO WELCOME,
FROM THE FOLIES BERGERES,
MADAME FANNY LA FAN.
( piano music playing )
♪ TAKE ME ♪
♪ TO YOUR HEART AGAIN ♪
♪ LET'S MAKE ♪
♪ A START AGAIN ♪
♪ FORGIVING ♪
♪ AND FORGETTING... ♪
I WAS RIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE,
WE WILL FOLLOW RENE.
WHAT ABOUT THE ORDERS?!
OFFICERS MUST USE THEIR INITIATIVE.
BESIDES, THERE IS NO CHEESE FOR OUR EARS.
♪ DEAREST ♪
♪ LET'S TURN BACK THE YEARS ♪
♪ LET SMILES COME AFTER TEARS ♪
♪ LIKE SUNSHINE ♪
♪ AFTER RAIN ♪
♪ I'M YEARNING ♪
♪ FOR YOU ♪
♪ BY NIGHT AND BY DAY ♪
♪ PRAYING THAT SOON ♪
♪ I'D HEAR YOU SAYING ♪
♪ I LOVE ♪
♪ YOU. ♪
( rhythm accelerates )
♪ WE WILL NEVER PART AGAIN ♪
♪ IF YOU WOULD HOLD ME BY-- ♪
( organ music playing )
THAT SERMON YOU GAVE WAS MOST MOVING, HERR FATHER.
BISHOP VON SMALLHAUSEN HAD TEARS RUNNING DOWN HIS CHEEKS.
THAT WAS BECAUSE THIS THING WOULD NOT GO OUT.
STILL, THERE IS MUCH DIGGING.
THERE IS SOMETHING BEHIND THIS.
LET US GO TO THE MORTUARY
TO INTERROGATE THE UNDERTAKER.
WITH HERR FLICK, LIFE IS NEVER DULL.
I SHAN'T GO OUT WITH GIRLS ANYMORE AFTER THIS.
YOU'VE PUT ME OFF.
I'VE BEEN DIGGING JUST AS HARD AS YOU HAVE.
( footsteps approach )
CAVEE, SOMEONE'S COMING.
PULL YOUR SKIRT DOWN.
OKAY, CHAPS, IT'S ONLY ME.
I MUST LOVE YOU NOW, SO GOOD LICK.
WHERE IS MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?
HE'S IN THE TUNNEL, HAVING A DIG.
I THINK WE'VE GOT RATS DOWN THERE.
WE CAN HEAR A LOT OF SCRATCHING.
THAT WILL BE THE CHAPS IN THE P.O.W. CAMP TUNNELING OUT.
IN THAT CASE, WE MAY NOT HAVE FAR TO GO.
AND WE'VE NO TIME TO LOSE. WE MUST DIG LIKE FURY.
IT'S JOLLY TIRING.
- MURDER ON THE OLD HANDS AND KNEES. - ( rumbling )
WHAT WAS THAT?
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, AT YOUR SERVICE.
( coughs )
"SWIFTLY, AND WITH STYLE"...
AND TEMPORARILY KNACKERED.
WHAT IS YOUR PROGRESS REPORT?
THE TUNNEL--
IS WHAT IS KNOWN AS BUNGED UP WITH LOOSE EARTH.
IT IS THE DISPOSAL OF WHAT WE CALL IN MY TRADE--
OF THE MUCK--
THAT CONSUMES ALL THE TIME.
VERY WELL.
RIGHT, CHAPS, IN YOU GO.
DIG FOR YOUR LIFE.
WE'LL ARRANGE A CHAIN TO GET RID OF THE EARTH.
GET IN THERE.
WHEN YOUR POTS ARE FULL, PASS THEM BACK.
HOW LONG ARE WE GOING TO BE DOWN THERE?
FILL THEM WITH EARTH, DUMMY.
GET A MOVE ON, SIMPSON.
THE WHOLE OPERATION'S SLOWING UP.
I'M DOING MY BEST, SIR.
- SHH, SHH! - ( scratching; thumping )
THAT SCRATCHING'S GETTING QUITE LOUD.
WELL, BASH ON, WE'RE NEARLY THERE.
Edith: HERE,
RENE, TAKE THIS.
EDITH, STOP POKING ME WITH YOUR POT.
FILL IT UP AND GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE.
I AM A POT PASSER NOT A POT FILLER.
NOW, HERE YOU ARE.
THERE, ARE YOU SATISFIED?
OW!
( breathing heavily ) THANK YOU.
OH, THIS IS VERY GOOD QUALITY.
WHEN WE HAVE FINISHED I WOULD LIKE SOME OF THESE FOR THE CAFE.
ALWAYS THE ENTREPRENEUR.
WHERE SHALL I PUT THE REFUSE?
- I WILL TAKE IT. - IT IS BRIMMING OVER.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN ARE APPROACHING.
OH MY GOD.
WE MUST WARN THEM IN THE TUNNEL, TWO JERRIES ARE COMING.
- WHAT? - WARN THEM IN THE TUNNEL TWO JERRIES ARE COMING!
TWO JERRIES ARE COMING.
I CAN ONLY DEAL WITH ONE AT A TIME.
I THINK I'M THROUGH.
JOLLY GOOD SHOW.
MY GOD, FRENCH CRUMPET!
THEY MUST BE PRETTY DESPERATE IF THEY'RE TUNNELING IN.
- HELLO! - HELLO!
GOOD GOD, IT'S FAIRFAX AND CARSTAIRS FROM 402 SQUADRON.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE'RE TRYING TO GET IN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE'RE TRYING TO GET OUT.
Michelle: LOOK OUT, CHAPS. JERRIES ARE COMING.
QUICK, BACK UP.
RIGHT.
I AM SORRY IF I HAVE CAUGHT YOU AT AN INCONVENIENT MOMENT.
CAN I HELP YOU, MONSIEUR?
I AM LOOKING FOR MONSIEUR RENE
WHOM I OBSERVED ENTERING THESE PREMISES.
HE'S NOT HERE.
WE WILL SEARCH. HANS, SEARCH.
SEARCH, SEARCH.
IS THERE A DEAD BODY IN HERE?
HOPEFULLY.
WE PUT A SCREWDRIVER IN WITH THEM,
IN CASE WE MAKE A MISTAKE.
HOW FAR DO YOU WANT ME TO GO?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IT IS SPOOKY.
OPEN THE COFFIN.
IT IS FULL OF EARTH.
WHY IS THIS COFFIN FULL OF EARTH?
I AM GROWING MUSHROOMS.
I DO NOT SEE ANY MUSHROOMS.
THAT IS PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOT YET COME UP.
THERE'S EARTH ON THE FLOOR.
HANS, HELP ME.
NO, MONSIEUR, YOU CANNOT.
YOU CANNOT DEFILE THE TOMB OF THE DEPARTED.
WHY IS THERE EARTH IN YOUR POT?
I AM TRYING TO CULTIVATE THE STONE OF THE AVOCADO PEAR.
DO YOU HAVE TO SIT ON IT TO CULTIVATE IT?
MONSIEUR, IT REQUIRES A WARM TEMPERATURE.
I GREW ONE ON A DAMP FLANNEL.
HANS, HELP ME.
IT IS A TUNNEL.
A TUNNEL?
HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE?
WE MUST FIND OUT WHERE IT LEADS.
HANS, YOU GO FIRST.
( knocking on door )
NOW, WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE ARE BEING HUNTED BY THE GESTAPO
AND THE JERRY TROOPS,
IN FACT, THE WHOLE DAMNED LOT OF THEM.
IF THEY FIND US WITHOUT UNIFORMS WE'LL BE SHOT.
WHAT ABOUT THIS LOT?
WE'RE THE FRENCH RESISTANCE. THEY'LL SHOOT US TOO.
MY GOD, SIMPSON, THIS IS A BIT OF A FACER.
THERE'S AN INSPECTION IN FIVE MINUTES.
OF COURSE, WITH THE KRAUT GENERAL.
WE'D BETTER SET ABOUT HIDING THEM.
WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?
THEY ARE GOING TO HIDE US.
WHY DO WE NOT GO BACK DOWN THE TUNNEL?
THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN ARE COMING DOWN IT.
WHAT?
MY GOD, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
HOW ABOUT TRYING TO BEHAVE LIKE THE BRAVEST MAN IN ALL FRANCE?
HANS, I'M STUCK.
GIVE ME A PULL.
YES.
ONE, TWO, THREE,
PULL!
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
WE ARE TRAPPED,
AND I SUFFER FROM CLAUSTROPHOBIA.
I HAVE HAD IT EVER SINCE
MY MOTHER TRIED TO SMUGGLE ME OUT OF BERLIN
IN A SUITCASE.
WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?
SO MY FATHER WOULDN'T FIND OUT ABOUT ME.
GO FORWARD.
I SAY, THERE ARE SOME MORE COMING.
THEY'RE DRESSED AS KRAUTS.
THAT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE KRAUTS.
HOLD MY GUN WHILE I GET OUT.
COLONEL.
THE TUNNEL HAS COME OUT IN ENGLAND.
EVERYONE HERE IS UNDER ARREST.
Voice over P.A.: Attention, attention.
Stand by for inspection
by General Von Klinkerhoffen.
Both: GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
THERE IS A GUN IN YOUR BACK.
IF YOU GIVE US AWAY,
YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO DIE.
DO EXACTLY AS I SAY.
AND LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.
SHE WILL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.
Voice over P.A.: Everybody out, everybody out.
RAUS, RAUS.
RAUS!
MARCH!
Voice over P.A.: Stand by for inspection
by General Von Klinkerhoffen.
COMPANY, HUT!
THE BRITISH PRISONERS OF WAR ARE READY FOR INSPECTION.
THEY DO NOT LOOK AS THOUGH THEY ARE READY.
THEY ARE A SURLY, BAD DISCIPLINED RABBLE.
THEY ARE NOT EASY TO CONTROL.
ALL BRITISH PRISONERS OF WAR ARE THE SAME.
LEAD THE WAY.
IS EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL?
THEY'VE GOT THE KRAUTS COVERED.
WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY SPOT ANY OF THEM?
I'VE GIVEN THEM A COUPLE OF ENGLISH PHRASES TO USE AS A LAST RESORT.
STOP TALKING IN THE RANKS!
UP YOURS.
- SILENCE! - SILENCE!
TEMPER, TEMPER.
Fairfax: HELLO.
BANG ON.
WIZARD PRANG.
PIP, PIP.
TOODLE-OO.
CHOCKS AWAY.
HELLO, OLD FRUIT.
( "Colonel Bogey March" melody ) ♪ HITLER HAS ONLY GOT ONE-- ♪
SILENCE!
IF THIS IS THE STANDARD OF BRITISH AIRMEN,
HOW COULD IT HAPPEN THAT GOERING LOST
THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN?
THAT WAS A NARROW ESCAPE.
NARROW ESCAPE?
WE ARE LOCKED UP IN A PRISONER OF WAR CAMP.
AND THE CAFE OPENS FOR DINNER AT 7:00.
( car engine starts )
AND YOUR MOTHER HAS THE KEYS TO MY TILL.
DRIVE ON!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR--
( all whistle "Colonel Bogey March" )
( theme music playing )