1 00:00:01,568 --> 00:00:04,070 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:28,094 --> 00:00:31,597 OH, DO YOU, BY ANY CHANCE, WISH TO KNOW 3 00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:33,600 HOW I, RENE ARTOIS, 4 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,602 HERO OF THE RESISTANCE, 5 00:00:35,602 --> 00:00:37,604 ESCAPED IN A GYPSY CARAVAN 6 00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:39,606 PULLED BY A PIEBALD PONY, 7 00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:42,609 FROM A GERMAN COLONEL AND CAPTAIN DRIVING A STEAMROLLER 8 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:45,111 FUELED BY NUTTY SLACK? HMM? 9 00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:47,613 NOT AN EVERYDAY OCCURRENCE, YOU WILL ADMIT. 10 00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:51,117 WELL, I WILL TELL YOU. I OUTPACED THEM. 11 00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:54,120 BUT ONLY AFTER THE AIRMEN, AND THE WAITRESSES, 12 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,621 MY WIFE, MY WIFE'S MOTHER, 13 00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:58,625 AND MONSIEUR LECLERC, DISGUISED AS A DIDDICOY, 14 00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:02,128 GOT OUT TO PUSH WHEN WE BECAME STUCK IN A RUT. 15 00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:06,632 I GALLOPED OFF, APPARENTLY OUT OF CONTROL. 16 00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:09,135 I AM NOW HIDING THE PRICELESS PORTRAIT 17 00:01:09,135 --> 00:01:11,637 OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP, 18 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:14,140 IN THE BACK OF THIS WORTHLESS PAINTING 19 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:16,142 OF SOME CHILDISH FLOWERS, 20 00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:18,144 GIVEN TO MY WIFE'S MOTHER 21 00:01:18,144 --> 00:01:21,647 BY A PENNILESS ARTIST IN RETURN FOR HER FAVORS. 22 00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:26,653 WHICH, EVIDENTLY, WERE NOT ALL THAT VALUABLE EVEN ALL THOSE YEARS AGO. 23 00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:27,654 - RENE. - HMM? 24 00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:29,155 IT IS TIME WE OPEN THE CAFE, 25 00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:31,657 HAVE YOU FINISHED HIDING THE PAINTING YET? 26 00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:33,159 THERE IT IS. 27 00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:35,661 IT IS BEHIND YOUR MOTHER'S FLORAL TRIBUTE. 28 00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:38,665 WHERE ARE WE GOING TO HANG A GREAT BIG FRAME LIKE THAT? 29 00:01:38,665 --> 00:01:40,667 IN THE MOST OBVIOUS PLACE, 30 00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:42,669 ON THE WALL OF THE CAFE. 31 00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:44,671 THANK YOU. 32 00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:54,681 BUT, IF YOU HANG IT THERE, WILL IT NOT BE HIDDEN BY THE CURTAIN? 33 00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:57,684 WITH ANY LUCK, YES. 34 00:01:57,684 --> 00:02:00,186 - RENE? - WHAT IS IT? 35 00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:02,188 I HAVE JUST COME FROM THE TOWN SQUARE. 36 00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:04,190 IT IS FULL OF TANKS AND SOLDIERS. 37 00:02:04,190 --> 00:02:06,192 THERE HAS BEEN A PROCLAMATION. 38 00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:08,694 GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN HAS FOUND THE ENGINE 39 00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:11,698 TO HIS MOTOR MOWER IN THE REMAINS OF THAT AIRPLANE. 40 00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:14,701 THEY ARE GOING TO SEARCH HOUSE-TO-HOUSE FOR BRITISH AIRMEN. 41 00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,703 ANYONE FOUND HIDING THEM WILL BE SHOT. 42 00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:18,705 OH MY GOD! 43 00:02:18,705 --> 00:02:20,707 WHERE ARE THEY? THEY MUST GIVE THEMSELVES UP. 44 00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:23,209 THEY CANNOT DO THAT. THEY HAVE NO UNIFORMS. 45 00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:25,711 WITHOUT UNIFORMS, THEY WILL BE SHOT AS SPIES. 46 00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:29,716 WELL, THEY HAVE HAD A GOOD RUN FOR THEIR MONEY. 47 00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:32,719 AND THEY HAVE STILL GOT THEIR BRITISH UNDERWEAR. 48 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:34,220 WE WILL VOUCH FOR THEM, EDITH. 49 00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:36,722 - I WILL PHONE THE COLONEL NOW. - COWARD! 50 00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,725 OH, COLLABORATOR! 51 00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:42,228 WOULD YOU BETRAY THESE FEARLESS HEROES TO OUR SWORN ENEMIES? 52 00:02:42,228 --> 00:02:44,730 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "FEARLESS HEROES"?! 53 00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:47,233 ALL THEY DO IS HIDE. 54 00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:49,235 WE ARE THE FEARLESS HEROES, EDITH. 55 00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:50,736 AND I WILL TELL YOU ANOTHER THING, 56 00:02:50,737 --> 00:02:52,238 THE GERMANS ARE OUR CUSTOMERS. 57 00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:53,739 THEY SPEND VERY GOOD MONEY IN HERE. 58 00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:56,743 YOU GET YOUR PRIORITIES RIGHT. 59 00:02:56,743 --> 00:03:00,246 RENE, EDITH, 60 00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:03,249 I HAVE SOLVED THE PROBLEM OF THE TWO BRITISH AIRMEN. 61 00:03:03,249 --> 00:03:05,751 I USED THE RAZOR FROM YOUR BATHROOM. 62 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:08,254 OH, MARIA. 63 00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:10,756 HOW LITTLE I KNOW YOU. 64 00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:12,759 WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE BODIES? 65 00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:15,762 ALL I DID WAS SHAVE OFF THEIR MOUSTACHES. 66 00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:17,764 OH, FANTASTIC. 67 00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:20,266 THAT WILL FOOL THE GERMANS COMPLETELY. 68 00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:23,269 Fairfax: CAN WE COME DOWN NOW? 69 00:03:23,269 --> 00:03:25,271 COME. 70 00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:32,778 OH MY GOD. 71 00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:36,783 CARSTAIRS, YOU'RE STANDING LIKE A TART AGAIN. 72 00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:38,785 NOBODY WILL SUSPECT THEM. 73 00:03:38,785 --> 00:03:40,787 THEY LOOK LIKE THE STAFF. 74 00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,789 EDITH, 75 00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:47,293 THE GERMANS TAKE THE STAFF UPSTAIRS FROM TIME TO TIME. 76 00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:48,794 NOW IF THEY TOOK THESE TWO UPSTAIRS, 77 00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:52,799 DO YOU NOT THINK THEIR SUSPICIONS WOULD BECOME AROUSED? 78 00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,301 WE ARE MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE, 79 00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:56,302 THEY WILL TAKE US. 80 00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:59,805 AND SUPPOSE THERE IS A RUSH? 81 00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:01,808 WHAT ARE THEY SAYING, FAIRFAX? 82 00:04:01,808 --> 00:04:04,310 HAVEN'T THE FAINTEST IDEA. IT'S ALL IN FRENCH. 83 00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:07,313 IF THE GERMANS WANT TO TAKE THEM UPSTAIRS, THEY MUST NOT GO. 84 00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:14,320 ( kissing noise ) 85 00:04:16,322 --> 00:04:17,823 WHAT'S ALL THAT ABOUT? 86 00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:19,826 I THINK HE'S SAYING THAT IF HITLER POPS IN, 87 00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:22,328 AND ASKS US TO GO UPSTAIRS, WE'RE NOT TO GO. 88 00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:24,330 - IS HITLER LIKE THAT THEN? - OH, YES. 89 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:26,832 AND DO NOT SPEAK. 90 00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,335 - SHHH! - All: SHHH! 91 00:04:29,335 --> 00:04:31,837 - AH! - WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? 92 00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:34,841 I THINK HE MEANS THAT IF WE DO GO UPSTAIRS WITH HITLER, 93 00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:37,844 WE'RE NOT TO TELL ANYBODY. 94 00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:40,847 IT'S NOT THE SORT OF THING YOU BOAST ABOUT, IS IT? 95 00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:45,351 WE-EEE UNDERSTAND. 96 00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:46,852 - ( knocking ) - WHO IS THAT? 97 00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:50,356 IT IS THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN! 98 00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:52,358 WE MUST OPEN THE CAFE, IT IS TIME. 99 00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:55,861 MARIA, GET THESE TWO INTO THE KITCHEN. QUICKLY GO, GO. 100 00:04:58,898 --> 00:05:00,399 WELCOME, COLONEL. 101 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,402 WELCOME, OUR BEST CUSTOMERS. OVER HERE, PLEASE. 102 00:05:02,402 --> 00:05:04,904 DRINKS FOR THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN. 103 00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:06,405 SIT DOWN, RENE, 104 00:05:06,406 --> 00:05:10,410 OH, YES, OF COURSE, COLONEL. 105 00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:13,413 NOW, WHAT IS GOING ON? 106 00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:16,416 THE MOTOR MOWER ENGINE WAS FIXED TO AN ANTIQUE AIRPLANE. 107 00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:17,917 HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS? 108 00:05:17,917 --> 00:05:20,920 OH, I-- I EXPECT IT WAS AN HOAX, COLONEL. 109 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:22,922 A-- A-- A SORT OF PRACTICAL JOKE. 110 00:05:22,922 --> 00:05:24,924 WE FRENCH ARE LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW? 111 00:05:24,924 --> 00:05:26,926 ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH. 112 00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:28,928 I HAVE PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER. 113 00:05:28,928 --> 00:05:30,930 THE COLONEL IS VERY GOOD AT THAT. 114 00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:33,432 AIRPLANES ARE FLOWN BY AIRMEN. 115 00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:35,435 YOU SEE? 116 00:05:35,435 --> 00:05:36,936 DO YOU PROMISE ME, RENE, 117 00:05:36,936 --> 00:05:39,438 THAT YOU ARE NOT TRYING TO HELP BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE? 118 00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:42,942 COLONEL, WOULD I RISK ALL THIS, FOR THAT? 119 00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:46,946 WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE HAS STIRRED UP A HORNET'S NEST. 120 00:05:46,946 --> 00:05:50,449 GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN IS DOING HIS PIECES. 121 00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:52,452 AND WHILE HE'S SEARCHING FOR THE AIRMEN, 122 00:05:52,452 --> 00:05:54,454 HE MAY DISCOVER THE PAINTING. 123 00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:55,455 IS IT SAFE? 124 00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:58,458 IT IS UNDER YOUR VERY NOSE. 125 00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:01,461 - IN HERE? - BEHIND THE BAR? 126 00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:05,965 - NO. - UNDER THE TABLE? 127 00:06:05,965 --> 00:06:08,467 YOU ARE GETTING WARMER. 128 00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:11,971 WHERE CAN IT BE? 129 00:06:11,971 --> 00:06:14,473 I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE 130 00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:17,977 SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH... "P." 131 00:06:17,977 --> 00:06:19,979 PIANO! 132 00:06:19,979 --> 00:06:21,480 NO. 133 00:06:21,481 --> 00:06:24,984 THIS IS A SILLY GAME! WHERE IS IT? 134 00:06:24,984 --> 00:06:26,485 IT IS IN THAT PICTURE. 135 00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,988 THAT IS WHAT I SPIED WITH MY LITTLE EYE. 136 00:06:28,988 --> 00:06:30,489 I WON. 137 00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:32,992 WHAT A GOOD PLACE. I WOULD NEVER HAVE THOUGHT OF LOOKING THERE. 138 00:06:32,992 --> 00:06:33,993 I KNOW. 139 00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:38,998 COLONEL, THE NEWS IS SERIOUS. 140 00:06:38,998 --> 00:06:41,000 GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN IS LOOKING FOR YOU. 141 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,003 HE STORMED INTO YOUR OFFICE DEMANDING TO KNOW WHERE YOU WERE. 142 00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:46,005 - WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM? - I SAID THAT IT WAS 5:30, 143 00:06:46,005 --> 00:06:48,007 YOU'D KNOCKED OFF FOR AN HOUR OR TWO, 144 00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:50,509 TO HAVE A QUICK ONE AT THE BOOZER 145 00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:52,011 BEFORE RESUMING YOUR SEARCH. 146 00:06:52,011 --> 00:06:54,513 WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM I WAS SEARCHING SOMEWHERE? 147 00:06:54,514 --> 00:06:57,016 HE IS SUCH A DOMINATING MAN. 148 00:06:57,016 --> 00:07:00,019 HIS POWERFUL STARE MAKES ME WILT AND GO WEAK. 149 00:07:00,019 --> 00:07:02,521 I CANNOT SAY NO TO A MAN LIKE THAT. 150 00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:06,526 OH, I WISH I HAD THAT KIND OF STARE. 151 00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:09,529 WE MUST DRINK UP AND GET GOING, OTHERWISE, WE'RE FOR THE HIGH JUMP. 152 00:07:09,529 --> 00:07:12,532 I'M WITH YOU, I'M ONLY OBEYING YOUR ORDERS. 153 00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:15,034 - Soldier: GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN. - OH! 154 00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:19,539 STAND UP, YOU PEASANTS, STAND UP! 155 00:07:19,539 --> 00:07:21,541 UP AGAINST THE WALL. 156 00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:22,542 HANDS ON HEADS. 157 00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:27,046 STAND STILL. 158 00:07:31,050 --> 00:07:33,552 HEIL HITLER. 159 00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:35,555 WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD? 160 00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:37,557 I'M SORRY, GENERAL. 161 00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:41,561 YOUR POWERFUL STARE MAKES ME WILT AND GO WEAK. 162 00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:45,565 I CANNOT SAY NO TO A MAN LIKE YOU. 163 00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:48,067 WHO IS THIS IDIOT? 164 00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:50,069 HE'S MY SECOND-IN-COMMAND. 165 00:07:50,069 --> 00:07:51,570 WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY DRINKING HERE, 166 00:07:51,571 --> 00:07:52,572 WHEN YOU SHOULD BE SEARCHING? 167 00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:54,574 WE WERE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS. 168 00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,576 DO YOU EXPECT TO FIND SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS 169 00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:58,077 IN THE BOTTOM OF A GLASS? 170 00:07:58,077 --> 00:07:59,078 YOU ARE INCOMPETENT. 171 00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:01,580 - YES, GENERAL. - I AGREE! 172 00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:05,585 - I SHALL PROBABLY HAVE YOU COURT-MARTIALED. - YES, GENERAL. 173 00:08:05,585 --> 00:08:08,087 I THINK AT THIS POINT, I SHOULD SAY THAT I WAS ONLY ACTING 174 00:08:08,087 --> 00:08:12,091 - UNDER THE COLONEL'S ORDERS, STUPID THOUGH THEY WERE. - SILENCE! 175 00:08:12,091 --> 00:08:14,093 GENERAL, I CAN VOUCH FOR THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE 176 00:08:14,093 --> 00:08:16,095 JUST SEARCHED THIS PLACE MOST THOROUGHLY, 177 00:08:16,095 --> 00:08:19,098 AND WHILE DOING SO, THEY BEAT SEVERAL PEASANTS 178 00:08:19,098 --> 00:08:22,601 AND KICKED THE PROPRIETOR IN A QUITE BRUTAL FASHION. 179 00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:29,108 GOOD. THIS WILL GO IN THEIR FAVOR. 180 00:08:29,108 --> 00:08:32,111 NOW, LET US SEE WHAT WE HAVE CAUGHT IN OUR LITTLE NET. 181 00:08:47,627 --> 00:08:50,129 IT IS I, LECLERC. 182 00:08:50,129 --> 00:08:52,131 THE PIANIST, GENERAL. 183 00:08:52,131 --> 00:08:53,632 OH, THE PIANIST, AH. 184 00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:57,136 - CAN YOU PLAY "IN THE MOOD"? - ( hums ) 185 00:08:57,136 --> 00:09:00,139 Soldier: OUT! OUT! 186 00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,141 WE HAVE FOUND THESE TWO 187 00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:04,143 LURKING IN THE KITCHEN. 188 00:09:04,143 --> 00:09:08,647 - I SEE. WHAT ARE THESE? - WELL, UH... 189 00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:10,149 THEY ARE THE STAFF, HERR GENERAL. 190 00:09:10,149 --> 00:09:12,651 YES, THIS IS FIFI, 191 00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:14,654 AND GIGI. 192 00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:16,656 I HAVE NOT SEEN THESE TWO BEFORE. 193 00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:21,661 NO, AND IT IS NOT EASY TO MISS THE ONE ON THE LEFT, WITH THE BIG CHARLIES. 194 00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:24,664 THEY ARE NEW GIRLS FROM OUT OF TOWN, HERR GENERAL. 195 00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:27,667 WE ARE SO BUSY, WE HAD TO TAKE ON EXTRA STAFF. 196 00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:34,673 ARE THESE THE GIRLS OF EASY VIRTUE I'VE HEARD ABOUT? 197 00:09:34,674 --> 00:09:36,175 WELL, FAIRLY EASY. 198 00:09:39,178 --> 00:09:43,182 THERE IS MUCH WORK TO DO IN MY CHATEAU. THEY ARE REQUISITIONED. 199 00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:45,184 THEY WILL START FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. 200 00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:47,186 OH, BUT GENERAL, I WILL BE SHORTHANDED. 201 00:09:47,186 --> 00:09:49,688 THEY MAY RETURN HERE EACH EVENING, TO ENTERTAIN MY TROOPS. 202 00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:52,692 YOU ARE MOST KIND, GENERAL. 203 00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:54,694 THAT IS ALL, COME GRUBER. 204 00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:01,701 - THAT PAINTING... - OH, A WORTHLESS PIECE 205 00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:03,703 OF RUBBISH. IS THAT NOT SO, COLONEL? 206 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:05,705 - QUITE WORTHLESS. - TERRIBLE, ISN'T IT? 207 00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:07,707 IS THAT SO? 208 00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:12,711 ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I AM THINKING, GRUBER? 209 00:10:12,712 --> 00:10:15,214 - VAN GOGH? - MMM. 210 00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:17,216 MOST ASSUREDLY IN HIS STYLE. 211 00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:20,219 YOU HAVE SOME KNOWLEDGE OF THESE MATTERS. HAVE IT AUTHENTICATED. 212 00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:21,720 WE ARE TAKING THE PICTURE. 213 00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:23,723 BUT, GENERAL, THAT IS STEALING. 214 00:10:23,723 --> 00:10:25,224 YES, THAT IS STEALING. 215 00:10:25,224 --> 00:10:28,727 OH, THAT STARE AGAIN. 216 00:10:28,728 --> 00:10:32,732 ALL WORKS OF ART ARE THE PROPERTY OF THE FURHER. 217 00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:35,735 YOU MAY COME TO THE CHATEAU AND WE WILL GIVE YOU A RECEIPT. 218 00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:38,237 TAKE IT. WE WILL CONTINUE OUR SEARCH. 219 00:10:38,237 --> 00:10:40,239 COLONEL, CAPTAIN, FOLLOW ME. 220 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,243 - HEIL HITLER. - All: HEIL HITLER. 221 00:10:47,947 --> 00:10:49,949 ( Leclerc playing "In the Mood" ) 222 00:10:51,951 --> 00:10:53,953 OH, SHUT UP! 223 00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:58,457 MY GOD, EDITH, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THESE TWO? 224 00:10:58,457 --> 00:11:00,459 WE MUST TELL MICHELLE AT ONCE. 225 00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:01,960 MICHELLE KNOWS ALREADY. 226 00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:04,964 HOW DID YOU GET THERE? 227 00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:06,465 IN THE RESISTANCE, WE ARE TRAINED 228 00:11:06,465 --> 00:11:08,967 TO APPEAR AND DISAPPEAR LIKE PHANTOMS. 229 00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:12,972 I USED THE TRAP DOOR TO THE CELLAR BEHIND THE BAR. 230 00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:15,474 NOW LISTEN, CHAPS, THERE'S A REAL FLAP ON. 231 00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:17,976 CHANCES ARE YOU'RE GOING TO GET SPOTTED IN THE NEXT 24 HOURS. 232 00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:21,480 IF THEY FIND US WITHOUT OUR UNIFORMS, WE'LL GET SHOT AS SPIES. 233 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:25,484 - WITHOUT UNIFORMS WE CAN'T EVEN GIVE OURSELVES UP. - EXACTLY. 234 00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:27,486 WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON? 235 00:11:27,486 --> 00:11:30,989 WE MUST GET THEM INTO UNIFORM OR THEY WILL BE SHOT. 236 00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:32,992 BUT THEY HAVE NO UNIFORMS. 237 00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:35,494 QUICK, WE MUST GET ON THE WIRELESS TO LONDON. 238 00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:36,995 - COME ALONG, CHAPS. - RIGHT-O. 239 00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:38,998 HANG ON WHILE I LOCK THE TILL. 240 00:11:38,998 --> 00:11:42,001 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THE FALLEN MADONNA? 241 00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:43,502 ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. 242 00:11:43,502 --> 00:11:46,004 THE GENERAL HAS SOLVED MY PROBLEM FOR ME. 243 00:11:46,005 --> 00:11:48,507 IT IS NOW UP TO THE COLONEL TO GET THE PAINTING BACK. 244 00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:50,509 QUICK, WE ARE WASTING TIME. 245 00:11:52,511 --> 00:11:56,014 EDITH, EDITH! 246 00:11:56,015 --> 00:11:59,018 COME QUICKLY TO MY ASSISTANCE. 247 00:11:59,018 --> 00:12:01,020 WHAT IS THE MATTER NOW, MAMA? 248 00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:03,522 WHY IS MY BED 249 00:12:03,522 --> 00:12:06,024 FULL OF WHITE-HAIRED OLD LADIES? 250 00:12:07,026 --> 00:12:09,528 TAKE NO NOTICE, SHE IS HALLUCINATING. 251 00:12:09,528 --> 00:12:12,531 HALLUCINATING? 252 00:12:12,531 --> 00:12:14,533 HOW MANY PAIRS OF FEET 253 00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:18,537 DO YOU THINK YOUR POOR OLD MOTHER-IN-LAW POSSESSES? 254 00:12:20,539 --> 00:12:22,040 WE WERE HIDING FROM THE GERMANS. 255 00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:25,544 WE THOUGHT WE WOULD NOT BE ARRESTED DRESSED AS OLD CRONES. 256 00:12:25,544 --> 00:12:29,548 GIVE ME THE TOWEL, PLEASE. 257 00:12:29,548 --> 00:12:31,550 MY GOD, THEY ARE CALLING US. 258 00:12:33,552 --> 00:12:36,054 All: AARGHH! 259 00:12:36,055 --> 00:12:37,556 MY GOD, CARSTAIRS, 260 00:12:37,556 --> 00:12:40,058 THE THINGS YOU SEE WHEN YOU HAVEN'T GOT YOUR GUN. 261 00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:43,062 Man: 'Allo, Nighthawk, 'allo Nighthawk. 262 00:12:43,062 --> 00:12:45,564 The airmen have not arrived. 263 00:12:45,564 --> 00:12:48,066 We must assume they have crashed in the channel. 264 00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:50,569 There will now be a two minute silence. 265 00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:52,070 Over. 266 00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:54,573 NO, NO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO? NO, THEY ARE STILL HERE. 267 00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:57,075 THEY ARE DISGUISED AS FRENCH MAIDS, 268 00:12:57,076 --> 00:13:00,579 BUT THEY COULD BE PENETRATED AT ANY MOMENT. 269 00:13:00,579 --> 00:13:02,080 OVER. 270 00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:04,583 Obviously an emergency. What can we do? Over. 271 00:13:04,583 --> 00:13:07,085 SEND BRITISH UNIFORMS TONIGHT. 272 00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:09,588 WITHOUT THEM THEY WILL BE SHOT. OVER. 273 00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:12,591 Sorry, no planes available for one week. 274 00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:16,595 All being used to make film called "'F' for Freddie." 275 00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:19,097 Over and out. 276 00:13:19,098 --> 00:13:20,599 NO, 'ALLO?! 277 00:13:20,599 --> 00:13:23,101 - WAS THAT GOOD NEWS? - I'M AFRAID NOT. 278 00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:26,105 WE NEED A NEW PLAN. WE'LL HAVE TO GET OUR THINKING CAPS ON. 279 00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:28,607 IF WE DON'T GET YOU INTO UNIFORM PRETTY DAMN QUICK, 280 00:13:28,607 --> 00:13:30,108 I'M AFRAID YOU'VE HAD IT. 281 00:13:30,109 --> 00:13:33,612 GIRLS, PLEASE TAKE OFF THOSE RIDICULOUS WIGS. 282 00:13:50,129 --> 00:13:53,132 VON SMALLHAUSEN, CAN YOU HEAR ANYTHING? 283 00:13:53,132 --> 00:13:56,135 THEY HAVE CEASED TRANSMITTING, HERR FLICK. 284 00:13:56,135 --> 00:13:58,637 IT IS FORTUNATE WE DISCOVERED 285 00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:00,639 THE WAVELENGTHS THEY WERE EMPLOYING. 286 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,142 WE HAVE ALSO DISCOVERED 287 00:14:04,143 --> 00:14:06,645 THAT THERE ARE TWO BRITISH AIRMEN, 288 00:14:06,645 --> 00:14:09,147 DISGUISED AS FRENCH MAIDS. 289 00:14:09,148 --> 00:14:12,151 DO YOU WISH ME TO SEARCH 290 00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:14,153 ALL THE FRENCH MAIDS IN THE TOWN? 291 00:14:15,654 --> 00:14:17,656 WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU WOULD GAIN ENTRY 292 00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:21,159 INTO ANY HOUSE WITH YOUR HAT COVERED IN BIRD DROPPINGS? 293 00:14:30,669 --> 00:14:33,171 HERR FLICK, I HAVE BROUGHT YOU YOUR CUP 294 00:14:33,172 --> 00:14:35,674 OF GESTAPO INSTANT BEEF TEA. 295 00:14:35,674 --> 00:14:37,676 YOU ARE LATE, AND WHERE ARE THE CROUTONS? 296 00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:39,678 I AM SORRY, HERR FLICK. 297 00:14:39,678 --> 00:14:41,680 WAS THERE ANYTHING GOOD ON THE WIRELESS? 298 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,182 WE HAVE EVIDENCE THAT THERE ARE 299 00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:47,686 TWO BRITISH AIRMEN DISGUISED AS FRENCH MAIDS. 300 00:14:47,686 --> 00:14:50,689 THERE ARE TWO NEW MAIDS AT THE CAFE RENE. 301 00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:52,691 DID YOU NOTICE ANYTHING... 302 00:14:52,691 --> 00:14:55,193 STRANGE ABOUT THEM? 303 00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:57,696 NOTHING I COULD PUT MY FINGER ON, HERR FLICK. 304 00:14:57,696 --> 00:15:00,699 - WE WILL INVESTIGATE. - ( laughing ) 305 00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:04,203 WHAT IS SO FUNNY? 306 00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:09,708 TOMMY HANDLEY, "CAN I DO YOU NOW, SIR?" 307 00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:22,454 GOOD MOANING. 308 00:15:23,956 --> 00:15:26,458 GOOD MOANING. 309 00:15:26,458 --> 00:15:29,461 OUTSIDE THE FRONT OF YOUR COFFEE, 310 00:15:29,461 --> 00:15:31,463 UNDER THE LIMP POST, 311 00:15:31,463 --> 00:15:34,966 ARE A COUPLE OF TITS. 312 00:15:37,469 --> 00:15:38,970 HE MEANS TARTS. 313 00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:41,473 WE KNOW ABOUT THEM. 314 00:15:41,473 --> 00:15:43,975 THEY ARE THE BRITISH AIRMEN IN DISGUISE. 315 00:15:43,976 --> 00:15:46,478 THERE IS A BIG SEARCH GOING ON FOR THEM. 316 00:15:46,478 --> 00:15:48,980 GET OUT THERE, MAKE SURE THAT NOBODY PICKS THEM UP. 317 00:15:48,981 --> 00:15:51,984 LEAVE IT TO MOO. 318 00:16:06,498 --> 00:16:07,999 THESE HEELS ARE KILLING ME. 319 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,003 YOU'RE THE ONE WHO INSISTED ON WEARING THEM. 320 00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:15,006 I'VE GOT JOLLY GOOD ANKLES. 321 00:16:15,007 --> 00:16:17,509 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF SOMEONE TRIES TO PICK YOU UP? 322 00:16:19,011 --> 00:16:20,512 WHAT A GOOD WHEEZE. 323 00:16:20,512 --> 00:16:22,514 YOU LOOK REVOLTING. 324 00:16:22,514 --> 00:16:24,516 CAVEE, A PUNTER. 325 00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:33,024 MOVE ALONG, 326 00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:36,528 YOU RINDY LITTLE MAN. 327 00:16:36,528 --> 00:16:38,530 RENE, EDITH, 328 00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:40,532 YOU ARE WANTED IN THE BACK ROOM. 329 00:16:40,532 --> 00:16:42,534 - IT IS MICHELLE. - OH, HECK. 330 00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:45,537 - MONSIEUR LECLERC. - MADAME? 331 00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:49,040 SUPERVISE THE CAFE, AND KEEP YOUR FINGERS OUT OF THE TILL. 332 00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:52,544 ( register rings ) 333 00:16:59,051 --> 00:17:01,053 I HAVE PLANS TO HIDE THE AIRMEN 334 00:17:01,053 --> 00:17:03,055 WHERE THEY WILL NEVER BE FOUND. 335 00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:05,557 FOR THIS OPERATION, I HAVE RECRUITED 336 00:17:05,557 --> 00:17:07,559 THE BRAVEST MAN IN ALL FRANCE. 337 00:17:07,559 --> 00:17:11,062 I THOUGHT I WAS THE BRAVEST MAN IN ALL FRANCE? 338 00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:14,066 NOT SINCE YOU GALLOPED OFF ALONE IN THAT GYPSY CARAVAN. 339 00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:16,068 PAY ATTENTION. 340 00:17:19,071 --> 00:17:21,573 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, UNDERTAKER, 341 00:17:21,573 --> 00:17:24,576 "SWIFTLY AND WITH STYLE." 342 00:17:24,576 --> 00:17:27,579 GRACIOUS, BEAUTIFUL MADAME, I KISS YOUR HAND. 343 00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:32,084 EVERY NIGHT, BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP, 344 00:17:32,084 --> 00:17:34,086 I THINK ABOUT YOU FOR 10 MINUTES-- 345 00:17:35,587 --> 00:17:37,088 ( grunts ) 346 00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:41,092 SOMETIMES LONGER. 347 00:17:43,595 --> 00:17:47,098 FORGIVE ME, MONSIEUR, BUT YOU WILL BE AWARE 348 00:17:47,099 --> 00:17:49,101 THAT TO THIS GORGEOUS LADY 349 00:17:49,101 --> 00:17:50,602 I'VE FOREVER LOST MY HEART. 350 00:17:50,602 --> 00:17:53,104 AND APPARENTLY YOUR MARBLES. 351 00:17:53,105 --> 00:17:55,107 MAM'ZELLE, 352 00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:57,109 MAM'ZELLE. 353 00:17:57,109 --> 00:18:00,112 LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY, I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE. 354 00:18:00,112 --> 00:18:03,615 I HAVE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE, SO FOR ME, IT IS TWICE. 355 00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:17,629 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS EVERY NIGHT, 356 00:18:17,629 --> 00:18:22,634 - IN HIS MORTUARY, BEEN DIGGING A TUNNEL. - VIVE LA FRANCE. 357 00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:25,136 YOU ARE ASKING, "WHERE DOES THIS TUNNEL LEAD?" 358 00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:27,639 I AM NOT ACTUALLY. 359 00:18:27,639 --> 00:18:30,141 IT LEADS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD. 360 00:18:30,142 --> 00:18:32,644 GOOD. 361 00:18:32,644 --> 00:18:34,145 ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD, 362 00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:37,149 IS THE TRANSIT CAMP FOR BRITISH PRISONERS OF WAR. 363 00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:39,651 THESE ARE AIRMEN WHO HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN, 364 00:18:39,651 --> 00:18:41,152 AND AWAIT TRANSPORT TO GERMANY. 365 00:18:41,153 --> 00:18:42,654 IN THIS CAMP, 366 00:18:42,654 --> 00:18:45,657 THE PRISONERS ARE ALSO DIGGING A TUNNEL. 367 00:18:45,657 --> 00:18:47,659 THE TUNNELS ARE ABOUT TO CONNECT. 368 00:18:47,659 --> 00:18:49,661 THE PRISONERS WILL ESCAPE 369 00:18:49,661 --> 00:18:51,663 WHEN WE HAVE MADE THE NECESSARY ARRANGEMENTS. 370 00:18:51,663 --> 00:18:55,166 EXCUSE ME, IF YOU ARE THINKING OF BRINGING ANY MORE 371 00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:57,169 BRITISH AIRMEN HERE, YOU CAN FORGET IT. 372 00:18:57,169 --> 00:18:59,671 WE HAVE NOT GOT RID OF OUR PRESENT STOCK. 373 00:18:59,671 --> 00:19:01,673 YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. 374 00:19:01,673 --> 00:19:04,676 WE ARE GOING TO HIDE YOUR AIRMEN IN THE PRISONER OF WAR CAMP, 375 00:19:04,676 --> 00:19:06,678 WHERE THEY CAN OBTAIN UNIFORMS. 376 00:19:06,678 --> 00:19:09,681 OH, I THINK THAT IS A WONDERFUL IDEA. 377 00:19:09,681 --> 00:19:13,184 YES, THIS IS DEFINITELY THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY 378 00:19:13,185 --> 00:19:15,187 THAT BRITISH AIRMEN HAVE TUNNELED 379 00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:17,189 INTO A PRISONER OF WAR CAMP. 380 00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:19,691 BUT, HOW CAN WE TRANSPORT THE AIRMEN 381 00:19:19,691 --> 00:19:22,193 TO THE MORTUARY WITHOUT AROUSING SUSPICION? 382 00:19:25,697 --> 00:19:28,199 THERE ARE GERMANS EVERYWHERE. 383 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,701 THERE IS A CURFEW. 384 00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:32,704 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE AND WE OF THE RESISTANCE 385 00:19:32,704 --> 00:19:35,206 HAVE DONE OUR PART, THE REST IS UP TO YOU. 386 00:19:35,207 --> 00:19:39,211 - HANG ON A MINUTE! - I MUST GO NOW INTO THE NIGHT. 387 00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:41,713 WHEN YOU HAVE A PLAN, PHONE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. 388 00:19:41,713 --> 00:19:43,715 MY CARD. 389 00:19:43,715 --> 00:19:46,217 24 HOUR SERVICE. 390 00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:48,720 JUST A MINUTE, MICHELLE. HOW LONG HAVE WE GOT? 391 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,223 THEY MUST BE GONE FROM HERE BEFORE MORNING. 392 00:19:52,224 --> 00:19:55,227 ( sighs ) IS THAT NOT TYPICAL? 393 00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:58,730 SHE GIVES US HALF A PLAN, AND THEN DISAPPEARS INTO THE NIGHT. 394 00:19:58,730 --> 00:20:01,733 - ( dustbins clatter ) - Michelle: AARGHH! 395 00:20:01,733 --> 00:20:04,736 AND SHE FORGETS HER FLASHLIGHT. 396 00:20:04,736 --> 00:20:07,739 MY BRAIN IS FERMENTING WITH AN IDEA. 397 00:20:07,739 --> 00:20:10,742 BOTTLE IT AND SERVE IT UP LATER. 398 00:20:10,742 --> 00:20:12,744 I AM GOING TO LIE DOWN. 399 00:20:13,745 --> 00:20:16,247 - ( whispers ) - ( door opens, shuts ) 400 00:20:29,194 --> 00:20:32,197 THIS IS VERY HUMILIATING, HANS. 401 00:20:32,197 --> 00:20:34,199 IS A GENERAL ALLOWED 402 00:20:34,199 --> 00:20:35,700 TO COMMANDEER YOUR OFFICE? 403 00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:37,703 IS IT IN THE RULES? 404 00:20:37,703 --> 00:20:40,205 A GENERAL CAN DO ANYTHING HE LIKES. 405 00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:42,707 I SHALL BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE WHOLE ARMY. 406 00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:45,210 I WON'T LAUGH AT YOU, COLONEL. 407 00:20:45,210 --> 00:20:47,712 YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN VERY KIND TO ME, 408 00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:50,716 IN YOUR BLUFF, OVERBEARING WAY. 409 00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:55,220 HE'S VERY QUIET IN THERE. 410 00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:57,222 MAYBE HE IS GOING THROUGH YOUR DRAWERS? 411 00:20:57,222 --> 00:20:58,223 HE WON'T FIND ANYTHING. 412 00:20:58,223 --> 00:21:00,725 WHAT ABOUT YOUR "HEALTH AND EFFICIENCY" MAGAZINE? 413 00:21:00,726 --> 00:21:02,728 I TOLD YOU TO THROW THAT AWAY! 414 00:21:02,728 --> 00:21:04,730 THE GENERAL WILL SEE YOU. 415 00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:07,733 STOMACH IN, CHEST OUT. 416 00:21:07,733 --> 00:21:09,735 DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. 417 00:21:15,741 --> 00:21:17,242 - HEIL HITLER. - KLOP. 418 00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:23,749 - DID HE HEAR US? - SHHH. 419 00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:25,751 - HEIL HITLER! - KLOP! 420 00:21:27,252 --> 00:21:28,753 SHALL WE SIT DOWN? 421 00:21:28,754 --> 00:21:31,757 - STOP WHISPERING! - STOP WHISPERING, HANS. 422 00:21:31,757 --> 00:21:32,758 COME HERE! 423 00:21:43,268 --> 00:21:47,272 I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR REPORTS ON YOUR OCCUPATION OF THE TOWN. 424 00:21:47,272 --> 00:21:49,274 HANDWRITING-- GOOD, EFFORT-- INEFFECTUAL. 425 00:21:50,776 --> 00:21:53,278 I WANT RESULTS AND I WANT THEM NOW. 426 00:21:53,278 --> 00:21:55,780 IF THERE ARE BRITISH AIRMEN IN THE AREA, I WANT THEM CAPTURED. 427 00:21:55,781 --> 00:21:57,783 EVERY LEAD YOU HAVE SO FAR OBTAINED, 428 00:21:57,783 --> 00:22:01,286 POINTS TO THIS CAFE, CAFE RENE. 429 00:22:01,286 --> 00:22:02,787 IT IS HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS. 430 00:22:02,788 --> 00:22:05,791 FOR INSTANCE, WHY WOULD A SMALL PROVINCIAL CAFE 431 00:22:05,791 --> 00:22:07,793 HAVE HANGING ON ITS WALL, A GENUINE VAN GOGH? 432 00:22:07,793 --> 00:22:10,295 - A GENUINE VAN GOGH? - A GENUINE VAN GOGH? 433 00:22:10,295 --> 00:22:12,797 MMM, IT WILL BE SENT TO HITLER, FORTHWITH. 434 00:22:12,798 --> 00:22:13,799 WOULD YOU LIKE US TO POST IT? 435 00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:17,802 NO, YOU WILL CONCENTRATE ON THE CAFE. 436 00:22:17,803 --> 00:22:20,305 WE WILL CLOSE IT DOWN TONIGHT, 437 00:22:20,305 --> 00:22:22,807 ARREST EVERYBODY AND SHOOT HOSTAGES. 438 00:22:22,808 --> 00:22:24,309 WE WILL SHOW THEM WHO IS BOSS. 439 00:22:24,309 --> 00:22:25,810 TYPICAL. 440 00:22:25,811 --> 00:22:28,313 HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION, 441 00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:30,815 "SOFTLY, SOFTLY, CATCHY MONKEY"? 442 00:22:32,818 --> 00:22:36,822 WAS THAT FROM THE FILM "KING KONG"? 443 00:22:36,822 --> 00:22:39,324 AT THE MOMENT, EVERY BRITISH AIRMEN 444 00:22:39,324 --> 00:22:41,326 WHO IS SHOT DOWN, DISAPPEARS. THEY MUST BE GOING SOMEWHERE. 445 00:22:41,326 --> 00:22:43,828 OUR BEST CLUE IS THIS CAFE. 446 00:22:43,829 --> 00:22:47,332 WATCH IT AS A CAT WATCHES A MOUSE, 447 00:22:47,332 --> 00:22:49,334 BUT MAKE NO MOVE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. 448 00:22:49,334 --> 00:22:51,336 THAT IS ALL. YOU MAY GO. 449 00:22:58,343 --> 00:22:59,844 - HEIL HITLER. - KLOP. 450 00:23:05,350 --> 00:23:06,851 - HEIL HITLER! - KLOP! 451 00:23:06,852 --> 00:23:08,353 GET OUT! 452 00:23:09,855 --> 00:23:11,857 GRUBER, 453 00:23:12,858 --> 00:23:14,860 GENERAL. 454 00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:17,863 THIS, UH... VAN GOGH, 455 00:23:17,863 --> 00:23:19,865 IT WILL BE WORTH A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY 456 00:23:19,865 --> 00:23:21,366 AFTER THE WAR, WILL IT NOT? 457 00:23:21,366 --> 00:23:23,368 YES, INDEED, GENERAL. 458 00:23:23,368 --> 00:23:25,870 CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET? 459 00:23:25,871 --> 00:23:29,875 WELL, I'VE-- DONE PRETTY WELL, UP TILL NOW. 460 00:23:31,877 --> 00:23:33,879 HAVE IT COPIED, BUT SAY NOTHING TO ANYONE. 461 00:23:33,879 --> 00:23:36,381 - YES, GENERAL. - ( door opens ) 462 00:23:38,884 --> 00:23:41,887 HERRS OTTO FLICK AND ENGELBERT VON SMALLHAUSEN 463 00:23:41,887 --> 00:23:44,389 OF THE GESTAPO ARE HERE IN ACCORDANCE 464 00:23:44,389 --> 00:23:45,890 WITH YOUR INSTRUCTIONS. 465 00:23:45,891 --> 00:23:48,894 SEND IN THE HERRS. YOU MAY GO, GRUBER. 466 00:23:53,398 --> 00:23:55,900 COME IN HERE! 467 00:24:03,408 --> 00:24:06,411 - HEIL HITLER! - HEIL HITLER. 468 00:24:06,411 --> 00:24:08,413 WHAT ARRANGEMENTS HAVE YOU MADE 469 00:24:08,413 --> 00:24:10,915 TO KEEP THE CAFE RENE UNDER CLOSE OBSERVATION? 470 00:24:10,916 --> 00:24:13,418 WE INTEND TO INFILTRATE 471 00:24:13,418 --> 00:24:14,919 THE CAFE IN DISGUISE. 472 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,923 WHAT SORT OF DISGUISE? 473 00:24:26,431 --> 00:24:28,433 NOT APPROVED. 474 00:24:28,433 --> 00:24:29,434 BUT, UH... 475 00:24:29,434 --> 00:24:31,936 YOU CAN STAY AND HAVE A DRINK, IF YOU LIKE? 476 00:24:37,342 --> 00:24:40,845 ♪ I'M NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT ♪ 477 00:24:40,846 --> 00:24:43,348 ♪ NOT MUCH TO SEE ♪ 478 00:24:43,348 --> 00:24:45,350 ♪ JUST GLAD I'M LIVING ♪ 479 00:24:45,350 --> 00:24:47,852 ♪ AND LUCKY TO BE ♪ 480 00:24:47,853 --> 00:24:51,356 ♪ BUT I'VE GOT A SOMEONE ♪ 481 00:24:51,356 --> 00:24:53,358 ♪ CRAZY FOR ME ♪ 482 00:24:54,860 --> 00:24:56,862 ♪ HE'S FUNNY THAT WAY ♪ 483 00:24:58,864 --> 00:25:02,367 ♪ I CAN'T SAVE A DOLLAR ♪ 484 00:25:02,367 --> 00:25:04,869 ♪ AIN'T WORTH A CENT ♪ 485 00:25:04,870 --> 00:25:06,872 ♪ HE DOESN'T HOLLER ♪ 486 00:25:06,872 --> 00:25:10,876 - ♪ HE LIVE IN A TENT... ♪ - HE MUST BE IN THE TANK CORPS. 487 00:25:10,876 --> 00:25:14,880 YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ENJOYING YOURSELF. 488 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:15,881 YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING. 489 00:25:15,881 --> 00:25:19,384 THE COLONEL AND CAPTAIN ARE WELL AWAY. 490 00:25:19,384 --> 00:25:20,885 AS NEWTS. 491 00:25:20,886 --> 00:25:23,889 YVETTE SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM GETTING THE GUN. 492 00:25:23,889 --> 00:25:26,892 EDITH, IF THIS PLAN OF YOURS GOES WRONG, 493 00:25:26,892 --> 00:25:28,894 THERE WILL NOT BE A WALL IN NOUVION 494 00:25:28,894 --> 00:25:30,896 BIG ENOUGH TO SHOOT US ALL AGAINST. 495 00:25:30,896 --> 00:25:33,899 TELL ME HOW ELSE WE CAN GET THE BODIES TO THE MORTUARY. 496 00:25:33,899 --> 00:25:36,401 ♪ ...HE'D BE SO MUCH BETTER OFF ♪ 497 00:25:36,401 --> 00:25:40,905 ♪ IF I WENT AWAY ♪ 498 00:25:41,907 --> 00:25:45,410 ♪ BUT WHY SHOULD I LEAVE HIM? ♪ 499 00:25:45,410 --> 00:25:47,412 ♪ WHY SHOULD I GO? ♪ 500 00:25:47,412 --> 00:25:50,415 ♪ HE'D BE MUCH BETTER ♪ 501 00:25:50,415 --> 00:25:53,918 ♪ WITHOUT ME I KNOW ♪ 502 00:25:53,919 --> 00:25:56,421 ♪ I HAVE A SOMEONE ♪ 503 00:25:56,421 --> 00:25:59,924 ♪ CRAZY FOR ME ♪ 504 00:25:59,925 --> 00:26:05,430 ♪ HE'S FUNNY THAT WAY. ♪ 505 00:26:08,934 --> 00:26:12,938 OH, CAPTAIN! 506 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,443 IF YOU WILL TAKE YOUR NAUGHTY HAND OFF MY KNEE, 507 00:26:18,443 --> 00:26:20,445 I WILL GET YOU SOME MORE WINE. 508 00:26:20,445 --> 00:26:23,948 - OH, I'M SORRY. I WAS JUST WARMING IT. - ( both chuckle ) 509 00:26:23,949 --> 00:26:25,951 - I WON'T BE A MOMENT. - ( laughs ) 510 00:26:27,452 --> 00:26:29,954 HERE, I HAVE THE CAPTAIN'S GUN. 511 00:26:29,955 --> 00:26:33,458 - QUICK, RENE-- THE BLANKS. - OH, YES. 512 00:26:33,458 --> 00:26:34,959 ( register rings ) 513 00:26:38,964 --> 00:26:40,465 QUICK, 514 00:26:40,465 --> 00:26:44,469 - GRUBER IS COMING ACROSS. - PUT IT BACK IN HIS HOLSTER. 515 00:26:48,974 --> 00:26:51,977 YOU HAVE NOT LOST YOUR TOUCH, I SEE. 516 00:26:51,977 --> 00:26:53,979 JUST ONE OF MY LITTLE TALENTS. 517 00:26:53,979 --> 00:26:56,982 - FOR A WHILE I WAS A COMIC SINGER. - OH. 518 00:26:56,982 --> 00:27:00,485 YOUR WIFE HAS ASKED ME TO PLAY FOR HER NEXT APPEARANCE. 519 00:27:00,485 --> 00:27:03,488 - HERE IS THE MUSIC. - AH. 520 00:27:03,488 --> 00:27:06,491 "SPANISH FLAMENCO FANDANGO." 521 00:27:06,491 --> 00:27:07,492 WHAT KEY? 522 00:27:07,492 --> 00:27:11,496 SHE DOES NOT MIND, SHE PLAYS THE CASTANETS. 523 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:19,004 - WHERE IS MONSIEUR LECLERC? - HE'S IN THE KITCHEN, TUNING HIS VIOLIN. 524 00:27:19,004 --> 00:27:22,507 - WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN? - THEY SHOULD BE OUTSIDE WITH THE POLICEMEN. 525 00:27:22,507 --> 00:27:23,508 MARIA, 526 00:27:26,011 --> 00:27:28,513 - TELL THEM OUTSIDE TO STAND BY. - HERE, HERE. 527 00:27:28,513 --> 00:27:30,014 HERE IS THE TOMATO SAUCE. 528 00:27:30,015 --> 00:27:33,018 - TELL THEM NOT TO OVERDO IT. - ROGER. 529 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,522 HERE IS YOUR WINE, CAPTAIN. 530 00:27:37,522 --> 00:27:40,525 OH, THANK YOU. COME ALONG. 531 00:27:40,525 --> 00:27:44,028 YOU BAD, BAD LITTLE GERMAN, YOU. 532 00:27:50,535 --> 00:27:53,037 OLE! HOW DO I LOOK? 533 00:27:53,038 --> 00:27:55,040 IT IS YOU, LECLERC. 534 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:58,043 ARE THE BLANK CARTRIDGES IN THE REVOLVER? 535 00:27:58,043 --> 00:28:00,045 YOU JUST DO YOUR BIT. 536 00:28:00,045 --> 00:28:02,547 - DO YOU KNOW YOUR WORDS? - OF COURSE. 537 00:28:02,547 --> 00:28:04,549 THEY ARE HERE. 538 00:28:10,555 --> 00:28:13,057 STAND BY. I WILL GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL. 539 00:28:13,058 --> 00:28:16,061 I WILL THEN SEND IN THE TWO TITS. 540 00:28:16,061 --> 00:28:20,565 I WILL MYSELF, ENTER AFTER TWO SHATS FROM THE REVILVER. 541 00:28:20,565 --> 00:28:22,066 ALL RIGHT. 542 00:28:22,067 --> 00:28:25,570 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 543 00:28:25,570 --> 00:28:29,574 TONIGHT IS CARNIVAL NIGHT AT THE CAFE RENE. 544 00:28:29,574 --> 00:28:31,576 MADAME EDITH PRESENTS FOR YOU, 545 00:28:31,576 --> 00:28:33,578 BY POPULAR REQUEST, 546 00:28:33,578 --> 00:28:36,080 A SPANISH EXTRAVAGANZA. 547 00:28:36,081 --> 00:28:38,583 IT CANNOT BE WORSE THAN HER SINGING. 548 00:28:38,583 --> 00:28:40,585 DON'T BET ON IT. 549 00:28:40,585 --> 00:28:43,087 LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, 550 00:28:43,088 --> 00:28:45,590 FLAMENCO FANDANGO. 551 00:28:45,590 --> 00:28:47,091 ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR. 552 00:28:47,092 --> 00:28:49,094 ( flamenco music playing ) 553 00:28:50,595 --> 00:28:52,597 ( castanets clattering ) 554 00:29:08,613 --> 00:29:10,615 OLE! 555 00:29:20,625 --> 00:29:22,126 OOH! 556 00:29:45,150 --> 00:29:47,152 Rene: THIS IS THE HARDEST PART. 557 00:30:07,172 --> 00:30:08,173 STOP THE MUSIC! 558 00:30:08,173 --> 00:30:10,175 ( strings grate ) 559 00:30:11,176 --> 00:30:14,679 HOW DARE YOU! YOU FAITHLESS DECEIVER! 560 00:30:14,679 --> 00:30:17,682 PLEASURING YOURSELF WITH WOMEN OF THE STREETS, 561 00:30:17,682 --> 00:30:20,184 WHILE I AM OUT HERE WORKING OFF MY BUTT. 562 00:30:22,187 --> 00:30:24,689 PERHAPS I PREFER THE WOMEN OF THE STREETS, 563 00:30:24,689 --> 00:30:26,691 TO AN OLD CLACKER OF CASTANETS. 564 00:30:28,193 --> 00:30:29,694 CAPTAIN! 565 00:30:29,694 --> 00:30:32,196 ARE YOU PREPARED TO SEE ME INSULTED 566 00:30:32,197 --> 00:30:34,199 IN MY OWN CAFE IN THIS MANNER? 567 00:30:34,199 --> 00:30:36,701 WELL, I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT, ACTUALLY. 568 00:30:36,701 --> 00:30:38,703 DANCE ON, STRUMPET. 569 00:30:38,703 --> 00:30:41,706 I AM TAKING THESE TWO UPSTAIRS. 570 00:30:44,709 --> 00:30:46,210 OH! 571 00:30:46,211 --> 00:30:48,713 MADAME EDITH, HOW CAN YOU ALLOW 572 00:30:48,713 --> 00:30:51,215 THIS INSULT TO GO UNAVENGED? 573 00:30:51,216 --> 00:30:53,218 ALLOW ME TO STRIKE HIM. 574 00:30:53,218 --> 00:30:55,220 STAND ASIDE! 575 00:30:55,220 --> 00:30:58,223 DIE LIKE A DOG. 576 00:30:58,223 --> 00:31:00,225 ( both groaning ) 577 00:31:02,227 --> 00:31:04,729 OH MY GOD, I HAVE MISSED HIM. 578 00:31:04,729 --> 00:31:07,231 I HAVE SHOT THE WOMEN OF THE STREETS. 579 00:31:07,232 --> 00:31:10,235 THAT WAS MY GUN! COLONEL, 580 00:31:10,235 --> 00:31:13,238 THAT WAS MY GUN! SHE SHOT THEM WITH MY GUN! 581 00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:19,244 I WAS PISSING BY THE DOOR, 582 00:31:23,248 --> 00:31:26,751 WHEN I HEARD TWO SHATS. 583 00:31:26,751 --> 00:31:31,255 YOU ARE HOLDING IN YOUR HAND, A SMOKING GOON. 584 00:31:32,757 --> 00:31:35,760 YOU ARE CLEARLY THE GUILTY POTTY. 585 00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:38,262 I DID NOT DO IT! TELL THEM I DID NOT DO IT! 586 00:31:38,263 --> 00:31:40,765 I WAS NOT LOOKING. 587 00:31:40,765 --> 00:31:43,267 OFFICER! 588 00:31:43,268 --> 00:31:44,769 YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY 589 00:31:44,769 --> 00:31:47,271 OVER THE GLORIOUS GERMAN ARMY. 590 00:31:47,272 --> 00:31:49,774 THIS WAS JUST AN ORDINARY CRIME OF PASSION, 591 00:31:49,774 --> 00:31:53,277 THAT HAPPENS IN FRANCE ON ANY SATURDAY NIGHT. 592 00:31:53,278 --> 00:31:55,280 BUT, IF IT SHOULD COME TO THE EARS 593 00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:56,781 OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN-- 594 00:31:56,781 --> 00:31:58,783 GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN! 595 00:31:58,783 --> 00:32:01,285 ( quietly ) IF IT SHOULD COME TO THE EARS 596 00:32:01,286 --> 00:32:02,787 OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN 597 00:32:02,787 --> 00:32:04,789 THAT-- THAT-- THAT AN OFFICER ALLOWED 598 00:32:04,789 --> 00:32:06,290 HIS GUN TO BE TAKEN FROM HIM, 599 00:32:06,291 --> 00:32:07,792 THEN BOTH HE AND HIS SUPERIOR 600 00:32:07,792 --> 00:32:09,794 WOULD BE IN VERY HOT WATER. 601 00:32:09,794 --> 00:32:11,796 SEE? YOU ARE IN IT TOO. 602 00:32:11,796 --> 00:32:14,799 FOR THE USUAL BRIBE OF 50,000 FRANCS, 603 00:32:14,799 --> 00:32:16,801 I TRUST YOU WILL OVERLOOK THIS INCIDENT? 604 00:32:16,801 --> 00:32:19,804 - DID I MAKE THOSE? - SHUT UP! 605 00:32:19,804 --> 00:32:22,807 IS THERE AN UNDERTAKER IN THE HOUSE? 606 00:32:22,807 --> 00:32:24,809 ( clearing throat ) 607 00:32:24,809 --> 00:32:28,312 MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, UNDERTAKER, 608 00:32:28,313 --> 00:32:29,814 "SWIFTLY AND WITH STYLE." 609 00:32:29,814 --> 00:32:32,316 OH, WHAT LUCK. 610 00:32:32,317 --> 00:32:35,820 I WILL TURN TO THIS, A BLONDE EYE. 611 00:32:35,820 --> 00:32:38,322 REMOVE THE BIDDIES. 612 00:32:42,327 --> 00:32:44,329 COLONEL, CAPTAIN, PLEASE, LEAVE QUICKLY 613 00:32:44,329 --> 00:32:46,331 BY THE BACK DOOR WITH YOUR TROOPS. 614 00:32:46,331 --> 00:32:48,833 I WILL SEE THAT GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN DOES NOT HEAR OF THIS. 615 00:32:48,833 --> 00:32:50,835 - THANK YOU, RENE. - TAKE THE LIEUTENANT WITH YOU. 616 00:32:50,835 --> 00:32:52,837 QUICK, HANS. 617 00:32:52,837 --> 00:32:53,838 HUBERT! 618 00:32:53,838 --> 00:32:56,340 Hans: I DIDN'T DO IT. I DID NOT DO IT. 619 00:32:56,341 --> 00:32:58,843 Colonel: SHUT UP! 620 00:33:00,345 --> 00:33:02,347 HA HA HA, RENE. 621 00:33:02,347 --> 00:33:03,848 THEY HAVE SWALLOWED IT. 622 00:33:03,848 --> 00:33:06,350 THEY HAVE SWALLOWED IT. 623 00:33:06,351 --> 00:33:08,353 I WILL TELL YOU ONE THING, EDITH, 624 00:33:08,353 --> 00:33:11,356 THESE GERMANS, THEY ARE SO STUPID. 625 00:33:11,356 --> 00:33:14,359 THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE GOING TO WIN THIS WAR. 626 00:33:14,359 --> 00:33:17,362 - ONE, TWO... - ( flamenco music playing ) 627 00:33:20,865 --> 00:33:23,868 ( theme music playing )