( theme music playing )
OH, DO YOU, BY ANY CHANCE, WISH TO KNOW
HOW I, RENE ARTOIS,
HERO OF THE RESISTANCE,
ESCAPED IN A GYPSY CARAVAN
PULLED BY A PIEBALD PONY,
FROM A GERMAN COLONEL AND CAPTAIN DRIVING A STEAMROLLER
FUELED BY NUTTY SLACK? HMM?
NOT AN EVERYDAY OCCURRENCE, YOU WILL ADMIT.
WELL, I WILL TELL YOU. I OUTPACED THEM.
BUT ONLY AFTER THE AIRMEN, AND THE WAITRESSES,
MY WIFE, MY WIFE'S MOTHER,
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC, DISGUISED AS A DIDDICOY,
GOT OUT TO PUSH WHEN WE BECAME STUCK IN A RUT.
I GALLOPED OFF, APPARENTLY OUT OF CONTROL.
I AM NOW HIDING THE PRICELESS PORTRAIT
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP,
IN THE BACK OF THIS WORTHLESS PAINTING
OF SOME CHILDISH FLOWERS,
GIVEN TO MY WIFE'S MOTHER
BY A PENNILESS ARTIST IN RETURN FOR HER FAVORS.
WHICH, EVIDENTLY, WERE NOT ALL THAT VALUABLE EVEN ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.
- RENE. - HMM?
IT IS TIME WE OPEN THE CAFE,
HAVE YOU FINISHED HIDING THE PAINTING YET?
THERE IT IS.
IT IS BEHIND YOUR MOTHER'S FLORAL TRIBUTE.
WHERE ARE WE GOING TO HANG A GREAT BIG FRAME LIKE THAT?
IN THE MOST OBVIOUS PLACE,
ON THE WALL OF THE CAFE.
THANK YOU.
BUT, IF YOU HANG IT THERE, WILL IT NOT BE HIDDEN BY THE CURTAIN?
WITH ANY LUCK, YES.
- RENE? - WHAT IS IT?
I HAVE JUST COME FROM THE TOWN SQUARE.
IT IS FULL OF TANKS AND SOLDIERS.
THERE HAS BEEN A PROCLAMATION.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN HAS FOUND THE ENGINE
TO HIS MOTOR MOWER IN THE REMAINS OF THAT AIRPLANE.
THEY ARE GOING TO SEARCH HOUSE-TO-HOUSE FOR BRITISH AIRMEN.
ANYONE FOUND HIDING THEM WILL BE SHOT.
OH MY GOD!
WHERE ARE THEY? THEY MUST GIVE THEMSELVES UP.
THEY CANNOT DO THAT. THEY HAVE NO UNIFORMS.
WITHOUT UNIFORMS, THEY WILL BE SHOT AS SPIES.
WELL, THEY HAVE HAD A GOOD RUN FOR THEIR MONEY.
AND THEY HAVE STILL GOT THEIR BRITISH UNDERWEAR.
WE WILL VOUCH FOR THEM, EDITH.
- I WILL PHONE THE COLONEL NOW. - COWARD!
OH, COLLABORATOR!
WOULD YOU BETRAY THESE FEARLESS HEROES TO OUR SWORN ENEMIES?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "FEARLESS HEROES"?!
ALL THEY DO IS HIDE.
WE ARE THE FEARLESS HEROES, EDITH.
AND I WILL TELL YOU ANOTHER THING,
THE GERMANS ARE OUR CUSTOMERS.
THEY SPEND VERY GOOD MONEY IN HERE.
YOU GET YOUR PRIORITIES RIGHT.
RENE, EDITH,
I HAVE SOLVED THE PROBLEM OF THE TWO BRITISH AIRMEN.
I USED THE RAZOR FROM YOUR BATHROOM.
OH, MARIA.
HOW LITTLE I KNOW YOU.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE BODIES?
ALL I DID WAS SHAVE OFF THEIR MOUSTACHES.
OH, FANTASTIC.
THAT WILL FOOL THE GERMANS COMPLETELY.
Fairfax: CAN WE COME DOWN NOW?
COME.
OH MY GOD.
CARSTAIRS, YOU'RE STANDING LIKE A TART AGAIN.
NOBODY WILL SUSPECT THEM.
THEY LOOK LIKE THE STAFF.
EDITH,
THE GERMANS TAKE THE STAFF UPSTAIRS FROM TIME TO TIME.
NOW IF THEY TOOK THESE TWO UPSTAIRS,
DO YOU NOT THINK THEIR SUSPICIONS WOULD BECOME AROUSED?
WE ARE MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE,
THEY WILL TAKE US.
AND SUPPOSE THERE IS A RUSH?
WHAT ARE THEY SAYING, FAIRFAX?
HAVEN'T THE FAINTEST IDEA. IT'S ALL IN FRENCH.
IF THE GERMANS WANT TO TAKE THEM UPSTAIRS, THEY MUST NOT GO.
( kissing noise )
WHAT'S ALL THAT ABOUT?
I THINK HE'S SAYING THAT IF HITLER POPS IN,
AND ASKS US TO GO UPSTAIRS, WE'RE NOT TO GO.
- IS HITLER LIKE THAT THEN? - OH, YES.
AND DO NOT SPEAK.
- SHHH! - All: SHHH!
- AH! - WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
I THINK HE MEANS THAT IF WE DO GO UPSTAIRS WITH HITLER,
WE'RE NOT TO TELL ANYBODY.
IT'S NOT THE SORT OF THING YOU BOAST ABOUT, IS IT?
WE-EEE UNDERSTAND.
- ( knocking ) - WHO IS THAT?
IT IS THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN!
WE MUST OPEN THE CAFE, IT IS TIME.
MARIA, GET THESE TWO INTO THE KITCHEN. QUICKLY GO, GO.
WELCOME, COLONEL.
WELCOME, OUR BEST CUSTOMERS. OVER HERE, PLEASE.
DRINKS FOR THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN.
SIT DOWN, RENE,
OH, YES, OF COURSE, COLONEL.
NOW, WHAT IS GOING ON?
THE MOTOR MOWER ENGINE WAS FIXED TO AN ANTIQUE AIRPLANE.
HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS?
OH, I-- I EXPECT IT WAS AN HOAX, COLONEL.
A-- A-- A SORT OF PRACTICAL JOKE.
WE FRENCH ARE LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?
ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH.
I HAVE PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.
THE COLONEL IS VERY GOOD AT THAT.
AIRPLANES ARE FLOWN BY AIRMEN.
YOU SEE?
DO YOU PROMISE ME, RENE,
THAT YOU ARE NOT TRYING TO HELP BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE?
COLONEL, WOULD I RISK ALL THIS, FOR THAT?
WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE HAS STIRRED UP A HORNET'S NEST.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN IS DOING HIS PIECES.
AND WHILE HE'S SEARCHING FOR THE AIRMEN,
HE MAY DISCOVER THE PAINTING.
IS IT SAFE?
IT IS UNDER YOUR VERY NOSE.
- IN HERE? - BEHIND THE BAR?
- NO. - UNDER THE TABLE?
YOU ARE GETTING WARMER.
WHERE CAN IT BE?
I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE
SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH... "P."
PIANO!
NO.
THIS IS A SILLY GAME! WHERE IS IT?
IT IS IN THAT PICTURE.
THAT IS WHAT I SPIED WITH MY LITTLE EYE.
I WON.
WHAT A GOOD PLACE. I WOULD NEVER HAVE THOUGHT OF LOOKING THERE.
I KNOW.
COLONEL, THE NEWS IS SERIOUS.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN IS LOOKING FOR YOU.
HE STORMED INTO YOUR OFFICE DEMANDING TO KNOW WHERE YOU WERE.
- WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM? - I SAID THAT IT WAS 5:30,
YOU'D KNOCKED OFF FOR AN HOUR OR TWO,
TO HAVE A QUICK ONE AT THE BOOZER
BEFORE RESUMING YOUR SEARCH.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM I WAS SEARCHING SOMEWHERE?
HE IS SUCH A DOMINATING MAN.
HIS POWERFUL STARE MAKES ME WILT AND GO WEAK.
I CANNOT SAY NO TO A MAN LIKE THAT.
OH, I WISH I HAD THAT KIND OF STARE.
WE MUST DRINK UP AND GET GOING, OTHERWISE, WE'RE FOR THE HIGH JUMP.
I'M WITH YOU, I'M ONLY OBEYING YOUR ORDERS.
- Soldier: GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN. - OH!
STAND UP, YOU PEASANTS, STAND UP!
UP AGAINST THE WALL.
HANDS ON HEADS.
STAND STILL.
HEIL HITLER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD?
I'M SORRY, GENERAL.
YOUR POWERFUL STARE MAKES ME WILT AND GO WEAK.
I CANNOT SAY NO TO A MAN LIKE YOU.
WHO IS THIS IDIOT?
HE'S MY SECOND-IN-COMMAND.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY DRINKING HERE,
WHEN YOU SHOULD BE SEARCHING?
WE WERE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS.
DO YOU EXPECT TO FIND SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS
IN THE BOTTOM OF A GLASS?
YOU ARE INCOMPETENT.
- YES, GENERAL. - I AGREE!
- I SHALL PROBABLY HAVE YOU COURT-MARTIALED. - YES, GENERAL.
I THINK AT THIS POINT, I SHOULD SAY THAT I WAS ONLY ACTING
- UNDER THE COLONEL'S ORDERS, STUPID THOUGH THEY WERE. - SILENCE!
GENERAL, I CAN VOUCH FOR THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE
JUST SEARCHED THIS PLACE MOST THOROUGHLY,
AND WHILE DOING SO, THEY BEAT SEVERAL PEASANTS
AND KICKED THE PROPRIETOR IN A QUITE BRUTAL FASHION.
GOOD. THIS WILL GO IN THEIR FAVOR.
NOW, LET US SEE WHAT WE HAVE CAUGHT IN OUR LITTLE NET.
IT IS I, LECLERC.
THE PIANIST, GENERAL.
OH, THE PIANIST, AH.
- CAN YOU PLAY "IN THE MOOD"? - ( hums )
Soldier: OUT! OUT!
WE HAVE FOUND THESE TWO
LURKING IN THE KITCHEN.
- I SEE. WHAT ARE THESE? - WELL, UH...
THEY ARE THE STAFF, HERR GENERAL.
YES, THIS IS FIFI,
AND GIGI.
I HAVE NOT SEEN THESE TWO BEFORE.
NO, AND IT IS NOT EASY TO MISS THE ONE ON THE LEFT, WITH THE BIG CHARLIES.
THEY ARE NEW GIRLS FROM OUT OF TOWN, HERR GENERAL.
WE ARE SO BUSY, WE HAD TO TAKE ON EXTRA STAFF.
ARE THESE THE GIRLS OF EASY VIRTUE I'VE HEARD ABOUT?
WELL, FAIRLY EASY.
THERE IS MUCH WORK TO DO IN MY CHATEAU. THEY ARE REQUISITIONED.
THEY WILL START FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
OH, BUT GENERAL, I WILL BE SHORTHANDED.
THEY MAY RETURN HERE EACH EVENING, TO ENTERTAIN MY TROOPS.
YOU ARE MOST KIND, GENERAL.
THAT IS ALL, COME GRUBER.
- THAT PAINTING... - OH, A WORTHLESS PIECE
OF RUBBISH. IS THAT NOT SO, COLONEL?
- QUITE WORTHLESS. - TERRIBLE, ISN'T IT?
IS THAT SO?
ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I AM THINKING, GRUBER?
- VAN GOGH? - MMM.
MOST ASSUREDLY IN HIS STYLE.
YOU HAVE SOME KNOWLEDGE OF THESE MATTERS. HAVE IT AUTHENTICATED.
WE ARE TAKING THE PICTURE.
BUT, GENERAL, THAT IS STEALING.
YES, THAT IS STEALING.
OH, THAT STARE AGAIN.
ALL WORKS OF ART ARE THE PROPERTY OF THE FURHER.
YOU MAY COME TO THE CHATEAU AND WE WILL GIVE YOU A RECEIPT.
TAKE IT. WE WILL CONTINUE OUR SEARCH.
COLONEL, CAPTAIN, FOLLOW ME.
- HEIL HITLER. - All: HEIL HITLER.
( Leclerc playing "In the Mood" )
OH, SHUT UP!
MY GOD, EDITH, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THESE TWO?
WE MUST TELL MICHELLE AT ONCE.
MICHELLE KNOWS ALREADY.
HOW DID YOU GET THERE?
IN THE RESISTANCE, WE ARE TRAINED
TO APPEAR AND DISAPPEAR LIKE PHANTOMS.
I USED THE TRAP DOOR TO THE CELLAR BEHIND THE BAR.
NOW LISTEN, CHAPS, THERE'S A REAL FLAP ON.
CHANCES ARE YOU'RE GOING TO GET SPOTTED IN THE NEXT 24 HOURS.
IF THEY FIND US WITHOUT OUR UNIFORMS, WE'LL GET SHOT AS SPIES.
- WITHOUT UNIFORMS WE CAN'T EVEN GIVE OURSELVES UP. - EXACTLY.
WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?
WE MUST GET THEM INTO UNIFORM OR THEY WILL BE SHOT.
BUT THEY HAVE NO UNIFORMS.
QUICK, WE MUST GET ON THE WIRELESS TO LONDON.
- COME ALONG, CHAPS. - RIGHT-O.
HANG ON WHILE I LOCK THE TILL.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THE FALLEN MADONNA?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
THE GENERAL HAS SOLVED MY PROBLEM FOR ME.
IT IS NOW UP TO THE COLONEL TO GET THE PAINTING BACK.
QUICK, WE ARE WASTING TIME.
EDITH, EDITH!
COME QUICKLY TO MY ASSISTANCE.
WHAT IS THE MATTER NOW, MAMA?
WHY IS MY BED
FULL OF WHITE-HAIRED OLD LADIES?
TAKE NO NOTICE, SHE IS HALLUCINATING.
HALLUCINATING?
HOW MANY PAIRS OF FEET
DO YOU THINK YOUR POOR OLD MOTHER-IN-LAW POSSESSES?
WE WERE HIDING FROM THE GERMANS.
WE THOUGHT WE WOULD NOT BE ARRESTED DRESSED AS OLD CRONES.
GIVE ME THE TOWEL, PLEASE.
MY GOD, THEY ARE CALLING US.
All: AARGHH!
MY GOD, CARSTAIRS,
THE THINGS YOU SEE WHEN YOU HAVEN'T GOT YOUR GUN.
Man: 'Allo, Nighthawk, 'allo Nighthawk.
The airmen have not arrived.
We must assume they have crashed in the channel.
There will now be a two minute silence.
Over.
NO, NO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO? NO, THEY ARE STILL HERE.
THEY ARE DISGUISED AS FRENCH MAIDS,
BUT THEY COULD BE PENETRATED AT ANY MOMENT.
OVER.
Obviously an emergency. What can we do? Over.
SEND BRITISH UNIFORMS TONIGHT.
WITHOUT THEM THEY WILL BE SHOT. OVER.
Sorry, no planes available for one week.
All being used to make film called "'F' for Freddie."
Over and out.
NO, 'ALLO?!
- WAS THAT GOOD NEWS? - I'M AFRAID NOT.
WE NEED A NEW PLAN. WE'LL HAVE TO GET OUR THINKING CAPS ON.
IF WE DON'T GET YOU INTO UNIFORM PRETTY DAMN QUICK,
I'M AFRAID YOU'VE HAD IT.
GIRLS, PLEASE TAKE OFF THOSE RIDICULOUS WIGS.
VON SMALLHAUSEN, CAN YOU HEAR ANYTHING?
THEY HAVE CEASED TRANSMITTING, HERR FLICK.
IT IS FORTUNATE WE DISCOVERED
THE WAVELENGTHS THEY WERE EMPLOYING.
WE HAVE ALSO DISCOVERED
THAT THERE ARE TWO BRITISH AIRMEN,
DISGUISED AS FRENCH MAIDS.
DO YOU WISH ME TO SEARCH
ALL THE FRENCH MAIDS IN THE TOWN?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU WOULD GAIN ENTRY
INTO ANY HOUSE WITH YOUR HAT COVERED IN BIRD DROPPINGS?
HERR FLICK, I HAVE BROUGHT YOU YOUR CUP
OF GESTAPO INSTANT BEEF TEA.
YOU ARE LATE, AND WHERE ARE THE CROUTONS?
I AM SORRY, HERR FLICK.
WAS THERE ANYTHING GOOD ON THE WIRELESS?
WE HAVE EVIDENCE THAT THERE ARE
TWO BRITISH AIRMEN DISGUISED AS FRENCH MAIDS.
THERE ARE TWO NEW MAIDS AT THE CAFE RENE.
DID YOU NOTICE ANYTHING...
STRANGE ABOUT THEM?
NOTHING I COULD PUT MY FINGER ON, HERR FLICK.
- WE WILL INVESTIGATE. - ( laughing )
WHAT IS SO FUNNY?
TOMMY HANDLEY, "CAN I DO YOU NOW, SIR?"
GOOD MOANING.
OUTSIDE THE FRONT OF YOUR COFFEE,
UNDER THE LIMP POST,
ARE A COUPLE OF TITS.
HE MEANS TARTS.
WE KNOW ABOUT THEM.
THEY ARE THE BRITISH AIRMEN IN DISGUISE.
THERE IS A BIG SEARCH GOING ON FOR THEM.
GET OUT THERE, MAKE SURE THAT NOBODY PICKS THEM UP.
LEAVE IT TO MOO.
THESE HEELS ARE KILLING ME.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO INSISTED ON WEARING THEM.
I'VE GOT JOLLY GOOD ANKLES.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF SOMEONE TRIES TO PICK YOU UP?
WHAT A GOOD WHEEZE.
YOU LOOK REVOLTING.
CAVEE, A PUNTER.
MOVE ALONG,
YOU RINDY LITTLE MAN.
RENE, EDITH,
YOU ARE WANTED IN THE BACK ROOM.
- IT IS MICHELLE. - OH, HECK.
- MONSIEUR LECLERC. - MADAME?
SUPERVISE THE CAFE, AND KEEP YOUR FINGERS OUT OF THE TILL.
( register rings )
I HAVE PLANS TO HIDE THE AIRMEN
WHERE THEY WILL NEVER BE FOUND.
FOR THIS OPERATION, I HAVE RECRUITED
THE BRAVEST MAN IN ALL FRANCE.
I THOUGHT I WAS THE BRAVEST MAN IN ALL FRANCE?
NOT SINCE YOU GALLOPED OFF ALONE IN THAT GYPSY CARAVAN.
PAY ATTENTION.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, UNDERTAKER,
"SWIFTLY AND WITH STYLE."
GRACIOUS, BEAUTIFUL MADAME, I KISS YOUR HAND.
EVERY NIGHT, BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP,
I THINK ABOUT YOU FOR 10 MINUTES--
( grunts )
SOMETIMES LONGER.
FORGIVE ME, MONSIEUR, BUT YOU WILL BE AWARE
THAT TO THIS GORGEOUS LADY
I'VE FOREVER LOST MY HEART.
AND APPARENTLY YOUR MARBLES.
MAM'ZELLE,
MAM'ZELLE.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY, I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.
I HAVE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE, SO FOR ME, IT IS TWICE.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS EVERY NIGHT,
- IN HIS MORTUARY, BEEN DIGGING A TUNNEL. - VIVE LA FRANCE.
YOU ARE ASKING, "WHERE DOES THIS TUNNEL LEAD?"
I AM NOT ACTUALLY.
IT LEADS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD.
GOOD.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD,
IS THE TRANSIT CAMP FOR BRITISH PRISONERS OF WAR.
THESE ARE AIRMEN WHO HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN,
AND AWAIT TRANSPORT TO GERMANY.
IN THIS CAMP,
THE PRISONERS ARE ALSO DIGGING A TUNNEL.
THE TUNNELS ARE ABOUT TO CONNECT.
THE PRISONERS WILL ESCAPE
WHEN WE HAVE MADE THE NECESSARY ARRANGEMENTS.
EXCUSE ME, IF YOU ARE THINKING OF BRINGING ANY MORE
BRITISH AIRMEN HERE, YOU CAN FORGET IT.
WE HAVE NOT GOT RID OF OUR PRESENT STOCK.
YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
WE ARE GOING TO HIDE YOUR AIRMEN IN THE PRISONER OF WAR CAMP,
WHERE THEY CAN OBTAIN UNIFORMS.
OH, I THINK THAT IS A WONDERFUL IDEA.
YES, THIS IS DEFINITELY THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY
THAT BRITISH AIRMEN HAVE TUNNELED
INTO A PRISONER OF WAR CAMP.
BUT, HOW CAN WE TRANSPORT THE AIRMEN
TO THE MORTUARY WITHOUT AROUSING SUSPICION?
THERE ARE GERMANS EVERYWHERE.
THERE IS A CURFEW.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE AND WE OF THE RESISTANCE
HAVE DONE OUR PART, THE REST IS UP TO YOU.
- HANG ON A MINUTE! - I MUST GO NOW INTO THE NIGHT.
WHEN YOU HAVE A PLAN, PHONE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
MY CARD.
24 HOUR SERVICE.
JUST A MINUTE, MICHELLE. HOW LONG HAVE WE GOT?
THEY MUST BE GONE FROM HERE BEFORE MORNING.
( sighs ) IS THAT NOT TYPICAL?
SHE GIVES US HALF A PLAN, AND THEN DISAPPEARS INTO THE NIGHT.
- ( dustbins clatter ) - Michelle: AARGHH!
AND SHE FORGETS HER FLASHLIGHT.
MY BRAIN IS FERMENTING WITH AN IDEA.
BOTTLE IT AND SERVE IT UP LATER.
I AM GOING TO LIE DOWN.
- ( whispers ) - ( door opens, shuts )
THIS IS VERY HUMILIATING, HANS.
IS A GENERAL ALLOWED
TO COMMANDEER YOUR OFFICE?
IS IT IN THE RULES?
A GENERAL CAN DO ANYTHING HE LIKES.
I SHALL BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE WHOLE ARMY.
I WON'T LAUGH AT YOU, COLONEL.
YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN VERY KIND TO ME,
IN YOUR BLUFF, OVERBEARING WAY.
HE'S VERY QUIET IN THERE.
MAYBE HE IS GOING THROUGH YOUR DRAWERS?
HE WON'T FIND ANYTHING.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR "HEALTH AND EFFICIENCY" MAGAZINE?
I TOLD YOU TO THROW THAT AWAY!
THE GENERAL WILL SEE YOU.
STOMACH IN, CHEST OUT.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
- HEIL HITLER. - KLOP.
- DID HE HEAR US? - SHHH.
- HEIL HITLER! - KLOP!
SHALL WE SIT DOWN?
- STOP WHISPERING! - STOP WHISPERING, HANS.
COME HERE!
I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR REPORTS ON YOUR OCCUPATION OF THE TOWN.
HANDWRITING-- GOOD, EFFORT-- INEFFECTUAL.
I WANT RESULTS AND I WANT THEM NOW.
IF THERE ARE BRITISH AIRMEN IN THE AREA, I WANT THEM CAPTURED.
EVERY LEAD YOU HAVE SO FAR OBTAINED,
POINTS TO THIS CAFE, CAFE RENE.
IT IS HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS.
FOR INSTANCE, WHY WOULD A SMALL PROVINCIAL CAFE
HAVE HANGING ON ITS WALL, A GENUINE VAN GOGH?
- A GENUINE VAN GOGH? - A GENUINE VAN GOGH?
MMM, IT WILL BE SENT TO HITLER, FORTHWITH.
WOULD YOU LIKE US TO POST IT?
NO, YOU WILL CONCENTRATE ON THE CAFE.
WE WILL CLOSE IT DOWN TONIGHT,
ARREST EVERYBODY AND SHOOT HOSTAGES.
WE WILL SHOW THEM WHO IS BOSS.
TYPICAL.
HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION,
"SOFTLY, SOFTLY, CATCHY MONKEY"?
WAS THAT FROM THE FILM "KING KONG"?
AT THE MOMENT, EVERY BRITISH AIRMEN
WHO IS SHOT DOWN, DISAPPEARS. THEY MUST BE GOING SOMEWHERE.
OUR BEST CLUE IS THIS CAFE.
WATCH IT AS A CAT WATCHES A MOUSE,
BUT MAKE NO MOVE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.
THAT IS ALL. YOU MAY GO.
- HEIL HITLER. - KLOP.
- HEIL HITLER! - KLOP!
GET OUT!
GRUBER,
GENERAL.
THIS, UH... VAN GOGH,
IT WILL BE WORTH A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY
AFTER THE WAR, WILL IT NOT?
YES, INDEED, GENERAL.
CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?
WELL, I'VE-- DONE PRETTY WELL, UP TILL NOW.
HAVE IT COPIED, BUT SAY NOTHING TO ANYONE.
- YES, GENERAL. - ( door opens )
HERRS OTTO FLICK AND ENGELBERT VON SMALLHAUSEN
OF THE GESTAPO ARE HERE IN ACCORDANCE
WITH YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.
SEND IN THE HERRS. YOU MAY GO, GRUBER.
COME IN HERE!
- HEIL HITLER! - HEIL HITLER.
WHAT ARRANGEMENTS HAVE YOU MADE
TO KEEP THE CAFE RENE UNDER CLOSE OBSERVATION?
WE INTEND TO INFILTRATE
THE CAFE IN DISGUISE.
WHAT SORT OF DISGUISE?
NOT APPROVED.
BUT, UH...
YOU CAN STAY AND HAVE A DRINK, IF YOU LIKE?
♪ I'M NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT ♪
♪ NOT MUCH TO SEE ♪
♪ JUST GLAD I'M LIVING ♪
♪ AND LUCKY TO BE ♪
♪ BUT I'VE GOT A SOMEONE ♪
♪ CRAZY FOR ME ♪
♪ HE'S FUNNY THAT WAY ♪
♪ I CAN'T SAVE A DOLLAR ♪
♪ AIN'T WORTH A CENT ♪
♪ HE DOESN'T HOLLER ♪
- ♪ HE LIVE IN A TENT... ♪ - HE MUST BE IN THE TANK CORPS.
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ENJOYING YOURSELF.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING.
THE COLONEL AND CAPTAIN ARE WELL AWAY.
AS NEWTS.
YVETTE SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM GETTING THE GUN.
EDITH, IF THIS PLAN OF YOURS GOES WRONG,
THERE WILL NOT BE A WALL IN NOUVION
BIG ENOUGH TO SHOOT US ALL AGAINST.
TELL ME HOW ELSE WE CAN GET THE BODIES TO THE MORTUARY.
♪ ...HE'D BE SO MUCH BETTER OFF ♪
♪ IF I WENT AWAY ♪
♪ BUT WHY SHOULD I LEAVE HIM? ♪
♪ WHY SHOULD I GO? ♪
♪ HE'D BE MUCH BETTER ♪
♪ WITHOUT ME I KNOW ♪
♪ I HAVE A SOMEONE ♪
♪ CRAZY FOR ME ♪
♪ HE'S FUNNY THAT WAY. ♪
OH, CAPTAIN!
IF YOU WILL TAKE YOUR NAUGHTY HAND OFF MY KNEE,
I WILL GET YOU SOME MORE WINE.
- OH, I'M SORRY. I WAS JUST WARMING IT. - ( both chuckle )
- I WON'T BE A MOMENT. - ( laughs )
HERE, I HAVE THE CAPTAIN'S GUN.
- QUICK, RENE-- THE BLANKS. - OH, YES.
( register rings )
QUICK,
- GRUBER IS COMING ACROSS. - PUT IT BACK IN HIS HOLSTER.
YOU HAVE NOT LOST YOUR TOUCH, I SEE.
JUST ONE OF MY LITTLE TALENTS.
- FOR A WHILE I WAS A COMIC SINGER. - OH.
YOUR WIFE HAS ASKED ME TO PLAY FOR HER NEXT APPEARANCE.
- HERE IS THE MUSIC. - AH.
"SPANISH FLAMENCO FANDANGO."
WHAT KEY?
SHE DOES NOT MIND, SHE PLAYS THE CASTANETS.
- WHERE IS MONSIEUR LECLERC? - HE'S IN THE KITCHEN, TUNING HIS VIOLIN.
- WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN? - THEY SHOULD BE OUTSIDE WITH THE POLICEMEN.
MARIA,
- TELL THEM OUTSIDE TO STAND BY. - HERE, HERE.
HERE IS THE TOMATO SAUCE.
- TELL THEM NOT TO OVERDO IT. - ROGER.
HERE IS YOUR WINE, CAPTAIN.
OH, THANK YOU. COME ALONG.
YOU BAD, BAD LITTLE GERMAN, YOU.
OLE! HOW DO I LOOK?
IT IS YOU, LECLERC.
ARE THE BLANK CARTRIDGES IN THE REVOLVER?
YOU JUST DO YOUR BIT.
- DO YOU KNOW YOUR WORDS? - OF COURSE.
THEY ARE HERE.
STAND BY. I WILL GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL.
I WILL THEN SEND IN THE TWO TITS.
I WILL MYSELF, ENTER AFTER TWO SHATS FROM THE REVILVER.
ALL RIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TONIGHT IS CARNIVAL NIGHT AT THE CAFE RENE.
MADAME EDITH PRESENTS FOR YOU,
BY POPULAR REQUEST,
A SPANISH EXTRAVAGANZA.
IT CANNOT BE WORSE THAN HER SINGING.
DON'T BET ON IT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
FLAMENCO FANDANGO.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
( flamenco music playing )
( castanets clattering )
OLE!
OOH!
Rene: THIS IS THE HARDEST PART.
STOP THE MUSIC!
( strings grate )
HOW DARE YOU! YOU FAITHLESS DECEIVER!
PLEASURING YOURSELF WITH WOMEN OF THE STREETS,
WHILE I AM OUT HERE WORKING OFF MY BUTT.
PERHAPS I PREFER THE WOMEN OF THE STREETS,
TO AN OLD CLACKER OF CASTANETS.
CAPTAIN!
ARE YOU PREPARED TO SEE ME INSULTED
IN MY OWN CAFE IN THIS MANNER?
WELL, I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT, ACTUALLY.
DANCE ON, STRUMPET.
I AM TAKING THESE TWO UPSTAIRS.
OH!
MADAME EDITH, HOW CAN YOU ALLOW
THIS INSULT TO GO UNAVENGED?
ALLOW ME TO STRIKE HIM.
STAND ASIDE!
DIE LIKE A DOG.
( both groaning )
OH MY GOD, I HAVE MISSED HIM.
I HAVE SHOT THE WOMEN OF THE STREETS.
THAT WAS MY GUN! COLONEL,
THAT WAS MY GUN! SHE SHOT THEM WITH MY GUN!
I WAS PISSING BY THE DOOR,
WHEN I HEARD TWO SHATS.
YOU ARE HOLDING IN YOUR HAND, A SMOKING GOON.
YOU ARE CLEARLY THE GUILTY POTTY.
I DID NOT DO IT! TELL THEM I DID NOT DO IT!
I WAS NOT LOOKING.
OFFICER!
YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY
OVER THE GLORIOUS GERMAN ARMY.
THIS WAS JUST AN ORDINARY CRIME OF PASSION,
THAT HAPPENS IN FRANCE ON ANY SATURDAY NIGHT.
BUT, IF IT SHOULD COME TO THE EARS
OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN--
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
( quietly ) IF IT SHOULD COME TO THE EARS
OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
THAT-- THAT-- THAT AN OFFICER ALLOWED
HIS GUN TO BE TAKEN FROM HIM,
THEN BOTH HE AND HIS SUPERIOR
WOULD BE IN VERY HOT WATER.
SEE? YOU ARE IN IT TOO.
FOR THE USUAL BRIBE OF 50,000 FRANCS,
I TRUST YOU WILL OVERLOOK THIS INCIDENT?
- DID I MAKE THOSE? - SHUT UP!
IS THERE AN UNDERTAKER IN THE HOUSE?
( clearing throat )
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, UNDERTAKER,
"SWIFTLY AND WITH STYLE."
OH, WHAT LUCK.
I WILL TURN TO THIS, A BLONDE EYE.
REMOVE THE BIDDIES.
COLONEL, CAPTAIN, PLEASE, LEAVE QUICKLY
BY THE BACK DOOR WITH YOUR TROOPS.
I WILL SEE THAT GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN DOES NOT HEAR OF THIS.
- THANK YOU, RENE. - TAKE THE LIEUTENANT WITH YOU.
QUICK, HANS.
HUBERT!
Hans: I DIDN'T DO IT. I DID NOT DO IT.
Colonel: SHUT UP!
HA HA HA, RENE.
THEY HAVE SWALLOWED IT.
I WILL TELL YOU ONE THING, EDITH,
THESE GERMANS, THEY ARE SO STUPID.
THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE GOING TO WIN THIS WAR.
- ONE, TWO... - ( flamenco music playing )
( theme music playing )