( theme music playing )
OH!
ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE CURIOUS TO KNOW
WHY I AM LOOKING THROUGH THIS KEYHOLE?
IN THAT ROOM IS MADAME LENARE
OF THE BRIDES PARISIAN BOUTIQUE,
WHICH IS A VERY GRAND NAME
FOR ONE ROOM ABOVE THE IRONMONGER.
MY WIFE EDITH IS STILL DETERMINED TO MARRY ME,
SO MADAME LENARE IS SHOWING HER SOME LITTLE ITEMS OF LINGERIE
FOR OUR WEDDING NIGHT.
THE REASON I WAS LOOKING THROUGH THE KEYHOLE
IS BECAUSE MADAME LENARE HERSELF
IS MODELING A TRANSPARENT NIGHTGOWN,
AND SHE IS VERY WELL ARRANGED.
THE DAY OF THE WEDDING HAS NOT YET BEEN FIXED.
AND SO, I AM A FREE MAN,
UNLESS OF COURSE, I AM ARRESTED BY THE COLONEL
FOR STEALING THE SAUSAGE
CONTAINING THE PRICELESS PAINTING,
THE TITLE OF WHICH, YOU KNOW FULL WELL,
BUT I WILL JUST REMIND MYSELF OF IT.
MY GOD,
VAN CLOMP WOULD HAVE RUN OUT OF PAINT.
THE PRICELESS PAINTING ITSELF
IS, EVEN AS I SPEAK, ON ITS WAY TO THE CHATEAU, WITH MARIA,
FOR LIEUTENANT GRUBER TO COPY IT
BECAUSE HE HAS ARTISTIC LEANINGS.
IN FACT, LIEUTENANT GRUBER
IS A VERY LONG WAY FROM THE PERPENDICULAR.
RENE,
I HAVE BEEN SELECTING FOR OUR WEDDING NIGHT
SOME LOVELY SURPRISES.
MADAME LENARE HAS SOME BEAUTIFUL THINGS
UNDER THE COUNTER.
SHE HAD SOME PRETTY GOOD THINGS ABOVE THE COUNTER.
RENE,
SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.
I FOLLOWED MARIA AS YOU TOLD ME.
SHE HAS BEEN ARRESTED
BY THE PERSONAL GUARD OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
MY GOD.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HER?
SHE HAS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF,
SHE IS JUST A SLIP OF A GIRL.
NOT SUCH A SLIP.
CONCEALED AMONG HER BOSOM
IS THE KNOCKWURST BELONGING TO THE COLONEL,
CONTAINING THE REAL PAINTING.
IF THEY TORTURE HER,
SHE MAY REVEAL ALL OUR SECRETS.
MY GOD.
MY HAT, MY COAT.
MY BRAVE RENE,
HE IS GOING TO RESCUE HER.
ARE YOU MAD?
I AM GOING TO STAY WITH MY COUSIN IN BORDEAUX.
HE HAS A LOFT.
I CAN HIDE IN IT UNTIL THE END OF THE WAR.
STAY WHERE YOU ARE, YOU COWARD.
HOW DARE YOU THINK OF LEAVING?
IS THIS HOW YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED?
I DO NOT WISH TO BE REMEMBERED AT ALL.
TELL THEM YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ME.
STAY WHERE YOU ARE!
E-- AH!
UNTIL YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES.
RENE, WHAT'S GOING ON?
MY WIFE WAS JUST PROPOSING TO ME.
- COGNAC. - COGNACS, YVETTE.
RENE, HERE.
WE HAVE HAD NEWS FROM HELGA
THAT HERR FLICK IS LOOKING FOR HIS SAUSAGE.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER HAS BEEN SENT TO GET IT.
YOU DID NOT TELL GRUBER WHERE IT WAS, DID YOU?
HE THREATENED TO TAKE AWAY MY LIVELIHOOD
BY DRIVING A TANK THROUGH MY CAFE.
THREATENED TO DRIVE A TANK THROUGH YOUR CAFE?
THE GERMAN SWINE!
BUT YOU HELD OUT?
HE THREATENED TO SHOOT MY DEAR WIFE,
THAT WAS WHEN I CRACKED.
OH, RENE.
SO YOU GAVE IT TO HIM?
I DID NOT ACTUALLY GIVE IT TO HIM.
I SENT IT TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER
SO HE COULD COPY IT AND GIVE IT BACK TO YOU.
THE COPY WILL GO TO HERR FLICK,
AND THEN WE ARE ALL IN THE CLEAR.
AND GRUBER WILL WANT A PIECE OF THE ACTION.
THERE IS ONE SNAG, COLONEL.
THE SAUSAGE WAS SENT WITH MARIA,
WHO HAS JUST BEEN CAPTURED BY GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
SHE HAD THE SAUSAGE STRAPPED ACROSS HER BOSOM.
ANY MINUTE NOW HE MAY GET HIS HANDS ON IT.
IF MARIA CRACKS UNDER THE INTERROGATION,
THE GENERAL WILL ARREST RENE.
AND IF HE CRACKS UNDER INTERROGATION,
HE WILL REVEAL THAT
YOU GAVE HIM THE PAINTING TO HIDE
AND YOU WILL BE ON THE CARPET.
- DEAD. - YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE WILL SHOOT RENE NOW, AND STOP THE ROT.
THANK YOU, EDITH.
IF YOU SHOOT RENE,
THEN ALSO YOU WILL HAVE TO SHOOT ME.
COULD YOU SHOOT HER FIRST?
SHE IS CAUSING A LOT OF TROUBLE.
( knocking )
ENTER.
THE FRENCH GIRL IS OUTSIDE.
ARE YOU READY TO INTERVIEW HER?
YES. DOES SHE GIVE ANY EXPLANATION FOR HER PRESENCE?
SHE SAID SHE CAME TO SEE LIEUTENANT GRUBER, YOUR A.D.C.
BRING HER IN, AND SEND FOR LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
YES, HERR GENERAL.
IN HERE!
YOU MAY GO!
YOU ARE TREMBLING.
DO NOT BE AFRAID OF ME,
I AM NOT A MONSTER.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
( spitting ) MARIA RECAMIER.
YOU WERE FOUND SNOOPING AROUND THE GROUNDS OF MY HEADQUARTERS.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?
GENERAL, I HAD A RENDEZVOUS WITH LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
A MOST UNLIKELY STORY,
BUT WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO VERIFY THIS.
I HAVE SENT FOR HIM.
YOU HAVE VERY SMALL FEET.
YES, GENERAL.
HARDLY BIG ENOUGH
TO SUPPORT THE REST OF YOU.
TAKE OFF YOUR COAT AND YOUR HAT.
I AM COLD,
I WOULD RATHER REMAIN AS I AM.
DO NOT DEFY ME, GIRL, OR THINGS WILL NOT GO WELL FOR YOU.
I AM RELUCTANT.
GET THEM OFF! DO YOU HEAR ME? GET THEM OFF!
GRUBER!
SHALL I COME BACK LATER?
COME IN AND SHUT THE DOOR.
THIS GIRL TELLS ME THAT SHE CAME TO SEE YOU.
DID YOU ORDER A GIRL?
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
DO NOT BE AFRAID TO OWN UP.
IT IS WARTIME AND WE ARE THE CONQUERORS.
WE ALL HAVE OUR NEEDS.
HE ORDERED THIS.
I SEE.
THERE REALLY IS NOTHING STRAIGHTFORWARD ABOUT YOU, GRUBER, IS THERE?
NO, YOU MISUNDERSTAND, GENERAL.
NO, IT--
IT WAS NECESSARY FOR HER
TO CONCEAL THE KNOCKWURST IN THIS FASHION,
IN CASE THE HUNGRY FRENCH PEASANTS
FELL UPON HER AND DEVOURED IT.
YOU WERE, OF COURSE, GOING TO PRESENT IT TO ME,
KNOWING MY TASTE FOR SUCH THINGS,
AND HOPING, NO DOUBT, TO INGRATIATE YOURSELF WITH ME?
YOU HAVE GOT IT IN ONE.
GIVE IT TO ME, GIRL.
SHALL I TAKE IT, AND HANG IT FOR YOU IN THE KITCHEN?
NO, YOU WILL NOT.
MY, MY, IT IS A WHOPPER.
IT HAS ON IT A LITTLE SWASTIKA.
WHAT A THOUGHTFUL TOUCH.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH IT?
THE KITCHEN STAFF ARE WORSE THAN RATS,
THEY EAT EVERYTHING.
I SHALL HANG IT IN MY WARDROBE TO MATURE.
YOU MAY GO, GRUBER.
WHAT ABOUT THE GIRL?
DO YOU HAVE A USE FOR HER?
NOTHING I CAN THINK OF, NO.
HMM, IT OCCURS TO ME THAT SOME FRENCH PEASANTS
HAVE STOLEN THE MOTOR OF MY MOWER.
LET IT BE KNOWN THAT WHEN THE MOTOR IS RETURNED,
I WILL RELEASE THE GIRL.
GO INTO THE BEDROOM.
YOU MAY LIE DOWN THERE.
NO, NOT ON THE BED. ON THE MAT.
( sobbing ) LONG LIVE FRANCE.
DO NOT PUSH YOUR LUCK.
EDITH, YVETTE, MA--
OH, ANYONE.
HOW MUCH LONGER MUST I WAIT HERE?
I AM HERE, MAMMA. I AM HERE.
I HAVE BEEN SELECTING SOME LOVELY THINGS
FOR MY WEDDING NIGHT.
FOR YOUR WEDDING TO MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?
NO, MAMMA.
I AM GOING TO MARRY RENE.
RENE? NO, NO, EDITH.
COME HERE, COME HERE.
SIT DOWN.
NOW, ( clears throat )
DO NOT DO THIS THING.
HE IS A NO-GOOD BUM.
BUT MAMMA, I LOVE HIM.
AND HE IS HIDING WE KNOW NOT WHERE.
HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO IS LOOKING FOR HIM.
GESTAPO! ( spits )
( radio alarm buzzing )
OH, THE KNOBS,
THE KNOBS, THE FLASHING KNOBS.
- WHAT? - AH!
WHAT IS THIS OLD BAT
DOING IN MY BED?
( old lady voice ) THIS OLD BAT
IS HIDING FROM THE GESTAPO.
GESTAPO! ( spits )
RENE.
THE WIRELESS.
TELL THEM NIGHTHAWK HAS MIGRATED.
YOU HAVE THE LIVER OF A LILY.
I WILL GET THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO HELP.
- HELLO! - HELLO!
WIRELESS!
THE THING'S GOING.
GRAB THE OTHER END, CARSTAIRS.
ROGER.
AH!
Male voice: 'Allo Nighthawk, 'allo Nighthawk.
Are the airmen with you, over?
YES, THEY ARE BOTH HERE BESIDE ME, OVER.
I have here their commanding officer.
Put them on the line. Over.
HERE.
OH.
HELLO,
FAIRFAX HERE.
Male voice #2: Hello, Fairfax.
Wing Commander Hargreaves here.
IT'S RANDY HARGREAVES! HELLO, SIR.
- HELLO! - Hello.
Is there any chance of you two getting back?
We're getting a bit short of pilots.
THE RESISTANCE ARE PLANNING TO FIND
AN OLD CRATE FROM THE MUSEUM.
THEY'RE GOING TO PUT A MOTOR MOWER ENGINE IN IT.
A motor mower engine?
Is it reliable?
IT DROVE A BATH CHAIR TO THE HAT SHOP YESTERDAY.
How far?
I SUPPOSE A COUPLE OF HUNDRED YARDS.
We won't count on you then.
Good luck. Over and out.
OH.
EDITH, THE POLICE ARE HERE.
THE POLICE? THE POLICE.
BACK, BACK. IN THERE.
NO, EDITH-- EDITH!
IT IS NOT THE REAL POLICE,
IT IS THAT ENGLISH IDIOT WHO THINKS HE CAN SPEAK FRENCH.
OH.
GOOD MOANING.
I HAVE COME TO ARROST YOUR MITHER.
ARREST HER MOTHER, WHY?
WHAT HAS SHE DONE?
SHE HAS BEEN PISSING FUDGED BANK NOTES IN THE HIT SHOP.
WHAT DOES CRABTREE SAY?
I THINK HE MEANS,
"SHE HAS BEEN PASSING FORGED BANK NOTES IN THE HAT SHOP."
PRESOSELY.
( old lady voice ) EDITH, REMIND HIM
HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON OUR SIDE.
WHO IS THE UGLY OLD BOG IN THE BED BESIDE YOUR MITHER?
I HAVE BEEN ASKING
THE SAME QUESTION.
IT IS I,
RENE.
MY GID, THAT WAS A GOD DISGEESE.
I WAS COMPLETELY DECEIVED BY THE WOG.
EDITH...
GIVE HIM 500 FRANCS FROM THE TILL
AND TELL HIM TO PASS OFF.
THERE IS NO NEED TO BE RODE.
( projector noise )
AH, YES.
THIS WAS TAKEN LAST YEAR AT THE GESTAPO HOLIDAY CAMP.
SEE? THEY ALL WEAR
BLACK LEATHER BATHING SHORTS.
SOME OF THEM FIT VERY WELL.
HERE WE ARE DOING THE LEAPFROG.
OH DEAR,
HOW AMUSING,
WE HAVE ALL FALLEN OVER INTO A GREAT BIG HEAP.
NOW, WE ARE STRUGGLING TO UNTANGLE OURSELVES.
NOW WE ARE JUMPING IN THE ICY WATERS OF THE LAKE.
IT'S JUST AS WELL.
HERE WE ARE DOING THE EXERCISES.
WHY ARE SOME OF YOU WEARING SKIRTS?
THE ONES WEARING SKIRTS ARE GIRLS.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD GIRLS IN THE GESTAPO.
WHO DO YOU THINK TYPES THE THREATENING LETTERS?
- ( phone rings ) - WHY IS MY PHONE RINGING?
ANSWER IT.
WHY IS THIS PHONE RINGING?
WHY DO YOU NOT READ YOUR INSTRUCTIONS?
HERR FLICK HAS HIS CALLS HELD TILL 5:00.
YOU THOUGHT IT SAID WHAT?
IT MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT.
SOMEONE HAS WRITTEN IT DOWN INCORRECTLY.
HE THOUGHT IT SAID 4:00.
IT'S VERY URGENT.
FLICK.
YES, VON SMALLHAUSEN.
I SEE.
YOU HAVE DONE WELL.
I WILL DEAL WITH THE MATTER.
VON SMALLHAUSEN HAS DISCOVERED
THAT THE SAUSAGE CONTAINING THE PAINTING
IS HANGING IN THE WARDROBE OF THE DRESSING ROOM
OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
OH, DEAR.
WHAT DO WE DO?
WHAT IF HE HAS IT FOR BREAKFAST?
WE MUST SUBSTITUTE A REAL KNOCKWURST
FOR THE KNOCKWURST CONTAINING THE PAINTING.
BUT HERR FLICK,
HOW DO WE GAIN ACCESS TO THE GENERAL'S QUARTERS
WITHOUT AROUSING SUSPICION?
THERE ARE, IN THE CHATEAU,
MANY SECRET PASSAGES.
IF THE ATTENTION OF THE GENERAL
IS DIVERTED BY A WOMAN OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN WHOM HE HAS--
ALREADY EXPRESSED AN INTEREST,
I WOULD HAVE TIME TO EFFECT THE SWITCH.
AND WHERE WOULD WE FIND SUCH A WOMAN?
THE GENERAL HAS ALREADY INDICATED TO ME
THAT HE CONSIDERS YOU A GREAT PIECE OF CRACKLING.
DO YOU THINK I COULD PULL IT OFF?
YOU HAVE READ MY THOUGHTS.
YOU WILL ENTER HIS QUARTERS.
YOU WILL TAKE THE GRAMOPHONE.
YOU WILL WIND IT UP, AND DO A TEASING DANCE,
PULLING OFF VARIOUS OUTER GARMENTS.
THIS WILL ATTRACT HIS ATTENTION
FOR TWO AND A HALF MINUTES.
WILL IT WORK?
IT ALWAYS WORKED WITH ME.
( singing off-key ) ♪ IT'S A LONG, LONG WAY ♪
♪ TO TIPPERARY, ♪
♪ BUT MY HEART'S ♪
♪ RIGHT THERE. ♪
COLONEL--
A LITTLE BIT OF CHEESE HAS DROPPED INSIDE MY EAR HOLE.
WHAT SHALL I DO?
TRY BANGING YOUR HEAD ON THE TABLE.
THE DEAR CAPTAIN,
HOW HE LOVES MY SINGING.
( singing in Italian )
OH HECK.
( attempts high note, coughs )
PSST.
IT IS I, LECLERC.
MAN OF A THOUSAND FACES,
EVERY ONE THE SAME.
( bad Italian accent ) I AM AN OLD ITALIANO ORGAN-GRINDER.
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN,
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING THE MONKEY.
I HAVE THE BAD NEWS.
MARIA IS THE HOSTAGE.
THEY WILL NOT GIVE HER BACK TILL WE RETURN
THE MOTOR FROM THE MOWER.
WE MUST RESCUE HER.
AND THE SAUSAGE.
THE KNOCKWURST THAT WAS ROUND HER KNOCKERS
IS IN THE WARDROBE OF THE GENERAL.
COULD WE NOT TRAIN THE MONKEY
TO CLIMB THE WALL, GO IN THROUGH THE WINDOW
AND STEAL THE SAUSAGE?
HA HA HA.
HE HAS BEEN ON THE ORGAN 10 YEARS;
HE CAN'T EVEN TURN THE HANDLE.
GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS. KEEP YOUR EAR TO THE GROUND.
( singing in Italian )
RENE,
MICHELLE WISHES TO SEE YOU IN THE BACK ROOM.
LOOK AFTER THE BAR.
WHERE IS SHE?
I AM HERE.
( sighing ) OH.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.
GOOD, THIS POSITION IS KILLING ME.
TONIGHT, THERE IS NO MOON.
HERE ARE THE FINAL DETAILS OF THE PLAN TO ENABLE YOU
- TO STEAL THE AIRPLANE FROM THE MUSEUM. - WHAT?
WE CANNOT DO THIS.
MARIA IS IN THE HANDS OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN?
- YES. - YES.
THAT RUTHLESS FIEND.
HE DEMANDS THE RETURN OF HIS MOTOR,
IN EXCHANGE FOR HER FREEDOM.
BUT WITHOUT THE MOTOR,
THE PLANE CANNOT FLY.
SO WE ARE UP THE CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE.
RENE AND I WILL RESCUE HER.
YOU SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.
I HAVE A PLAN.
I KNOW ALL THE SECRET PASSAGES
AT THE CHATEAU.
I WORKED AS A SERVING MAID WHEN I WAS A GIRL.
THAT WAS SO LONG AGO
THEY COULD HAVE COLLAPSED BY NOW.
THIS IS VERY SERIOUS NEWS, LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
VERY SERIOUS.
HANS, YOU HAVE BEEN TO STAFF COLLEGE.
HOW DO YOU GET A SAUSAGE OUT OF A WARDROBE--
-- IN A GENERAL'S DRESSING ROOM?
HMM,
I THINK I MUST HAVE BEEN AWAY THAT DAY.
COLONEL,
THE MARQUIS WHO CONSTRUCTED THE CHATEAU,
BUILT INTO IT MANY SECRET PASSAGES
IN WHICH RUNAWAY PRIESTS USED TO HIDE.
WHO WAS CHASING THEM?
MOSTLY THE MARQUIS.
I READ ABOUT IT IN THE CHATEAU LIBRARY.
THERE IS ALSO A MAP.
ONE SUCH PASSAGE LEADS TO THE GENERAL'S DRESSING ROOM.
NOW WE ARE GETTING THERE.
YOU, HANS, CAN CREEP DOWN THIS PASSAGE
AND GRAB THE SAUSAGE.
BUT HE WILL SEE IT HAS GONE.
GOOD POINT.
YES, I THOUGHT SO TOO.
I HAVE A VERY CLEAR ANALYTICAL MIND, YOU KNOW.
IT'S STILL THERE. I CAN--
YOU WILL PUT ANOTHER SAUSAGE IN ITS PLACE.
ANOTHER SAUSAGE?
BUT, WHAT IF THE GENERAL COMES OUT OF HIS BEDROOM
WHILE I AM DOING THIS?
I HAVE IT.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER CAN OCCUPY
THE ATTENTION OF THE GENERAL.
I DO NOT QUITE SEE HOW I COULD DO THIS.
YOU WILL FIND IT EASY.
YOU HAVE AN ENGAGING, SPARKLING, PERSONALITY,
A ROGUISH SMILE.
WHAT GERMAN GENERAL COULD RESIST YOU AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING,
WITH A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN YOUR PAJAMAS?
I-- I LEARNED THAT AT THE STAFF COLLEGE.
VERY WELL. I WILL DO IT.
- GOOD. - GOOD.
Edith: SO, WHILE I AM LEADING RENE THROUGH THE SECRET PASSAGES
TO SWITCH THE SAUSAGES IN THE WARDROBE
IN THE DRESSING ROOM,
YOU, YVETTE, WILL ENTER THE CHATEAU DISGUISED AS A SERVING MAID.
( thuds )
YOU WILL--
YOU WILL GO TO THE BEDROOM OF THE GENERAL
WITH A HOT WATER BOTTLE.
YOU WILL GIVE MARIA THIS NOTE
TELLING HER OF A SECRET ENTRANCE
INSIDE THE WARDROBE IN THE BEDROOM.
YOU WILL THEN DISTRACT HIM FOR TWO MINUTES.
SHE CAN MAKE HER ESCAPE,
AND RENE CAN GET THE SAUSAGE.
A MORE HAREBRAINED SCHEME
I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE HEARD.
BUT HOW DO I DISTRACT THE GENERAL?
SHALL I TAKE THE FLYING HELMET AND THE WET CELERY?
NO, YOU ARE A SERVING MAID.
MAKE DO WITH A FEATHER DUSTER AND A TIN OF RONOC.
( owl hoots )
ARE YOU LISTENING? I WISH A SNACK.
SEND UP SOME SMOKED SALMON,
CAVIAR,
COLD CHICKEN,
STRUDEL,
AND A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE ON ICE.
IS THAT CLEAR?
LET IT BE DONE.
GENERAL,
PLEASE, MAY I RETURN TO MY HOME NOW?
CERTAINLY NOT.
YOU ARE MY HOSTAGE; YOU WILL REMAIN HERE.
BUT, I AM A CIVILIZED PERSON.
I WILL ALLOW YOU TO SHARE IN MY SNACK.
I WILL NEVER EAT WITH AN ENEMY OF FRANCE.
THE NIGHT IS YOUNG, WE SHALL SEE.
GET BACK ON THE MAT.
YOU MUST STAY CLOSE.
THESE PASSAGES ARE VERY COMPLICATED.
FOR THE SAKE OF HEAVEN, EDITH, I--
EDITH?
( door creaks eerily )
RENE?
RENE, WHERE ARE YOU?
( knocking )
IF YOU DO NOT STAY CLOSE BEHIND ME
YOU WILL GET LOST.
WHERE ARE WE NOW?
THIS IS THE GREAT HALL.
WHEN I WAS A SERVING GIRL, I USED TO POLISH IT.
WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE BEDROOM.
IT IS A SHORTCUT.
WHOEVER HEARD OF A SHORTCUT IN A SECRET PASSAGE?
( loud thump )
- SOMEBODY IS COMING. - WHAT?
THEY HAVE GONE.
WE ARE GOING TO GET CAUGHT.
I KNOW IT, WE ARE GOING TO GET CAUGHT.
PANSY!
LISTEN, AT THE HEAD OF THE STAIRS
IS THE ENTRANCE TO ANOTHER SECRET PASSAGE,
WHICH LEADS TO THE GENERAL'S DRESSING ROOM.
FOLLOW ME.
( footsteps echoing )
SHH! MIND MY POLISH.
HANS, WHERE ARE WE?
IN THE CELLARS.
I KNOW THAT!
WHEREABOUTS IN THE CELLARS?
YOU HAVE GRUBER'S PLAN OF THE CHATEAU.
IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHETHER THAT IS THE NORTH,
OR WHETHER THAT IS THE NORTH.
HAVE YOU GOT A COMPASS?
I HAVE ONE ON MY SWISS ARMY KNIFE,
HANG ON. HERE WE ARE.
THAT IS THE NORTH.
IN THAT CASE, WE ARE GOING THE WRONG WAY.
QUICK, THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING.
AARGHH!
WHO ARE YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GAH!
HANS, YOU FOOL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU ARE KNOCKING OUT OUR OWN PEOPLE.
IT WAS A GOOD SHOT, WASN'T IT?
QUICK!
( metal squeaks )
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
THERE WAS CONCEALED AROUND HERE A KNOB.
WELL, HURRY UP AND FIND IT.
YVETTE WILL BE DOING HER PIECE IN THREE MINUTES.
( metal screeches )
SHHH!
SOMEBODY APPROACHES.
QUICKLY, HIDE!
THERE IS NO ROOM, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.
EDITH, YOU DID NOT TELL ME
THIS PLACE WAS HAUNTED.
A SUIT OF ARMOR WITH A LIMP,
HAS JUST WALKED PAST.
LOOK OUT! SOMEBODY ELSE IS COMING.
( creaking )
- WHO IS THERE? - YOUR REFRESHMENTS.
A MOMENT. COME HERE.
IT IS NOT SEEMLY THAT A GERMAN GENERAL
SHOULD BE SEEN IN A BEDROOM WITH A FRENCH PEASANT GIRL.
GET IN THE CUPBOARD AND STAY THERE.
ENTER.
I'M AFRAID THERE WAS NO CAVIAR, HERR GENERAL.
- NO CAVIAR?! - I'M SORRY.
INSTEAD I HAVE OBTAINED SOME COD'S ROE.
UNFORTUNATELY, I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
OH WELL, SO BE IT.
SHALL I BRING IT IN?
OF COURSE.
THE COAST IS CLEAR, COME OUT.
WILL YOU JOIN ME IN A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE?
ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO RELEASE ME.
WE WILL DISCUSS THIS AFTER DINNER.
WHO IS THERE?
IT IS THE MAID.
A MOMENT. QUICK, BACK IN THE CUPBOARD.
WHAT SORT OF A RELATIONSHIP ARE WE GOING TO HAVE,
IF YOU KEEP THRUSTING ME BACK INTO THE CUPBOARD
EVERY TIME WE ARE INTERRUPTED?
WHEN THE MAID HAS GONE, WE WILL BE ALONE.
ENTER!
I HAVE COME TO WARM YOUR BED, HERR GENERAL.
THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY.
MY BED WILL BE WARMED BY OTHER, MORE INTERESTING METHODS.
YOU MAY TURN IT DOWN.
YES, HERR GENERAL.
RENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THE BED?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE COMMODE?
I HAVE COME UP THE WRONG PASSAGE.
HOW DO WE GET IN?
I AM LOOKING FOR THE KNOB.
OWWW!
HOW IS IT I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU BEFORE?
NORMALLY, I AM PEELING POTATOES IN THE KITCHEN.
BUT, I CAN ALSO PEEL OTHER THINGS.
HOW DARE YOU ASSUME THAT A GERMAN GENERAL
WOULD COMPROMISE HIMSELF WITH A SERVING GIRL?
( knocking )
WHO IS THERE?
IT IS I, HELGA.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I HAVE FOR YOU A PRESENT FROM HERR FLICK.
A MOMENT.
I WILL HIDE IN THE WARDROBE.
NO, NO, NO. IT IS FULL. UNDER THE BED.
DO NOT ASK!
ENTER.
THE PRESENT.
AM I TO UNDERSTAND THAT HERR FLICK
HAS SENT TO ME AS A PRESENT AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING,
A GRAMOPHONE?
NOT ONLY THIS, GENERAL.
HE HAS SENT ME.
( cabaret music playing )
AH, THE WARDROBE!
WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?
HELGA IS DOING A STRIPTEASE.
WE HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR THAT.
HELGA? MOVE OVER.
OH, COLONEL,
I AM ALL STEAMED UP.
GET THE SAUSAGE.
OH, THE SAUSAGE.
AH, HEH, HEH.
- WE'VE GOT TO GO. - OHHH!
- COME ON. - OH, COLONEL...
MY GOD! IF HE-- IF HE FINDS ME UNDER HERE,
I AM A DEAD DUCK.
RENE, MY BRAVE RENE,
CRUSH YOUR LIPS TO MY LIPS
SO WE CAN DIE IN ONE GRAND EMBRACE.
RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE WARDROBE WITH MARIA?
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM DOING
IN THE WARDROBE WITH MARIA?
SHE HAS FAINTED WITH COLD FEAR.
I AM REVIVING HER WITH THE HEAT FROM MY BODY.
JUST YOU WAIT TILL I GET YOU HOME!
FOLLOW ME.
♪ SOMEDAY I'LL FIND YOU ♪
♪ CREEP UP BEHIND YOU. ♪
( music slowly winds down )
OH DEAR, IS THERE...
ANYTHING I CAN DO?
YES, WIND THE GRAMOPHONE.
AND IF YOU DON'T FANCY THE ONE BY THE BED,
THERE'S A SPARE IN THE WARDROBE.
( theme music playing )