( theme music playing )
MADAME PAYEZ IS IN THE FAMILY WAY.
SHE IS PLEASED.
HER HUSBAND IS NOT.
HE HAS BEEN IN THE NICK FOR TWO YEARS.
RUMOR HAS IT THAT THE FATHER IS MAURICE GAZIER,
WHOSE MISTRESS IS MADAME COROISETTE, THE MILLINER,
WHOSE BROTHER WAS A.D.C. TO GENERAL CLAUDE CAVILLION,
THE HERO OF YPRES,
WHICH IS WHERE HE OBTAINED HIS WOODEN LEG,
WHICH HE KEEPS ON THE MANTELPIECE.
YOU HAVE NOT MET ANY OF THESE PEOPLE,
NOR ARE YOU LIKELY TO,
BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD FILL YOU IN ON A LITTLE LOCAL GOSSIP
BECAUSE MY AFFAIRS ARE SO COMPLICATED
I WOULD NOT KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.
RENE, I HAVE A MESSAGE FROM THE RESISTANCE.
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE, OR OUR LOT?
( spitting ) OUR RESISTANCE.
THE RUNAWAY ALSATIAN HAS RETURNED TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER
WITH THE SAUSAGE WHICH HE RETRIEVED.
THANK YOU, MARIA.
THANK GOD HE WAS NOT A ROTTWEILER.
THE SAUSAGE SHE IS TALKING ABOUT
IS THE ONE CONTAINING THE FORGED PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG--
WHICH THE COMMUNIST STOLE FROM MY KITCHEN,
AND THEN DEMANDED A RANSOM OF 800,000 FRANCS.
RENE...
I HAVE JUST MET MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, THE UNDERTAKER, IN THE SQUARE.
HE'S WANTING THE RETURN OF HIS MONEY.
I TOLD HIM YOU WERE DEALING WITH IT.
SO HE HAS GONE HOME QUITE HAPPY NOW.
THANK YOU, EDITH.
THIS IS THE MONEY MONSIEUR ALPHONSE LENT US
TO PAY THE RANSOM ON THE UNDERSTANDING
THAT THE GERMAN COLONEL WOULD ORGANIZE AN AMBUSH
TO SNATCH IT BACK AGAIN.
THIS HE FAILED TO DO,
SO THE COMMUNISTS STILL HAVE THE MONEY.
( sighs )
HOW DO YOU TELL AN AGING OLD UNDERTAKER WITH A WEAK HEART
THAT HIS ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS HAVE GONE?
BY TELEPHONE.
NOUVION 302, PLEASE.
AH, YOU ARE ON DUTY AGAIN, ANTOINETTE.
ARE YOU STILL LISTENING IN ON EVERYBODY'S PHONE CALLS?
MADAME WHO?
WHAT, THE MILLINER?
ANOTHER ONE?
HOW DOES SHE FIND TIME TO MAKE THE HATS?
THIS IS WHERE I GET IT ALL FROM.
HELLO, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE. HOW ARE YOU?
IT'S RENE, FROM THE--
ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?
OH, YOU ARE LAYING OUT.
EMBALMING?
CAN YOU DO THAT WITH ONE HAND?
IS IT ANYBODY WE KNOW?
OH, YES, WELL HE WAS NOT LOOKING WELL.
I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU-- THE SAUSAGE HAS BEEN RETURNED.
IT WENT LIKE CLOCKWORK.
THE MONEY?
IT IS SAFE.
NO, NOT EXACTLY HERE,
YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT A FEW DAYS
BEFORE YOU CAN HAVE IT BACK AGAIN.
NO, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
THE RESISTANCE DO NOT PAY INTEREST.
HERR FLICK, I HAVE SOMETHING TO REPORT.
HELGA, HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?
I USED THE KEY THAT YOU PERSONALLY GAVE TO ME.
YOU DO NOT USE THAT KEY DURING WORKING HOURS.
THAT IS ONLY FOR EMERGENCIES AND FOR SECRET ASSIGNMENTS
PREVIOUSLY MADE AND APPROVED FOR PRIVATE CANOODLES.
I AM SORRY, HERR FLICK.
CONCEAL IT UPON YOUR PERSON.
THAT IS NOT EASY, HERR FLICK.
YOU WILL THINK OF SOMETHING.
WHAT IS YOUR REPORT?
I HAVE TO REPORT THAT LIEUTENANT GRUBER
RETURNED TO HIS APARTMENT AND HAS BEEN APPREHENDED
BY YOUR AGENT VON SMALLHAUSEN, WHO IS HERE NOW.
TELL HIM TO COME IN HERE.
( shouts ) COME IN HERE!
- REPORT. - FOLLOWING YOUR INSTRUCTIONS,
I APPREHENDED LIEUTENANT GRUBER IN HIS QUARTERS.
HE WAS IN THE ACT OF DOING HIS EXERCISES
BY PERFORMING PRESS-UPS ON THE CARPET.
DID HE PUT UP A STRUGGLE?
OF COURSE NOT. WE TOOK HIM BY SURPRISE.
HE IS OUTSIDE.
BRING HIM IN HERE.
( shouts ) BRING HIM IN HERE!
YOU SENT FOR ME?
YOUR DOG STOLE A VERY IMPORTANT
GESTAPO SAUSAGE-- WHERE IS IT?
WELL, THINKING THE DOGGY MIGHT FANCY A SAUSAGE
A BIT LATER FOR HIS DINNER,
I PUT IT IN MY LITTLE REFRIGERATOR.
AND THAT IS WHERE WE FOUND IT.
- YOU MEAN YOU HAVE IT? - OF COURSE, IT IS OUTSIDE.
THEN BRING IT IN HERE.
( shouts ) BRING IT IN HERE!
OPEN IT.
THERE IS NOTHING THERE BUT A PLATE OF MINCEMEAT.
GRUBER, HAVE YOU BEEN MINCING?
THE LITTLE DOGGY IS VERY PARTICULAR.
HE WILL NOT TOUCH CHUNKY FOOD.
BUT THE PAINTING!
THERE WAS A VALUABLE PAINTING IN THE SAUSAGE.
I KNOW. I REMOVED IT. IT'S IN THE ICE COMPARTMENT.
YOU HAVE RUINED ONE OF THE WORLD'S
GREATEST MASTERPIECES.
IF I MAY SAY SO, THAT WAS NOT THE MASTERPIECE--
THAT WAS THE FORGERY.
- THE FORGERY? - THE FORGERY?
THE FORGERY?
SO, SOMEBODY MUST HAVE SUBSTITUTED
THE FORGED PAINTING IN THE GESTAPO SAUSAGE
FOR THE REAL PAINTING IN THE GESTAPO SAUSAGE
WHEN THE SAUSAGE WAS IN THE CAFE.
OR THE RESISTANCE SUBSTITUTED A FORGED PAINTING
FOR THE REAL PAINTING IN THE GESTAPO SAUSAGE
WHEN THEY STOLE THE SAUSAGE;
OR YOU, HERR GRUBER,
WITH YOUR WELL KNOWN LEANING TOWARD ART
HAVE SUBSTITUTED THE FORGED PAINTING
FOR THE REAL PAINTING
AND YOUR DOG RETURNED THE SAUSAGE TO YOUR QUARTERS
CLEVERLY MINCING THE SAUSAGE TO REMOVE ALL TRACES
OF MY LITTLE SWASTIKA
WHICH I HAD PLACED ON THE SIDE OF IT
SO THAT NOW I WILL NEVER KNOW WHETHER
IT WAS THE ORIGINAL SAUSAGE OR JUST ANY OLD SAUSAGE.
ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, HERR FLICK.
SO GRUBER,
THE FINGER POINTS AT YOU.
WHY WOULD I TELL YOU THAT THIS IS A FORGERY
KNOWING FULL WELL THAT IT WOULD MAKE YOU CROSS?
I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU MY LITTLE DOGGY HAD EATEN IT.
I THINK THIS MAN IS INNOCENT.
WHAT SORT OF GESTAPO OFFICER ARE YOU,
SAYING A MAN IS INNOCENT?
IF WHAT HE SAYS IS TRUE,
AND THIS IS A FROZEN FACSIMILE,
THEN THE REAL PAINTING MUST STILL EXIST,
WHICH MEANS, IT CAN BE FOUND
BY SKILLFUL GESTAPO INVESTIGATIONS.
THAT SOUNDS MORE LIKE THE GESTAPO.
SO...
THE LAST PLACE AT WHICH WE KNOW FOR CERTAIN
THAT THE PAINTING EXISTED WAS AT RENE'S CAFE.
YOU, GRUBER, ARE FRIENDLY WITH THIS MAN.
WELL, WE GET ON QUITE WELL.
SEE WHAT YOU CAN WHEEDLE OUT OF HIM.
IF HE WILL NOT SQUEAL,
OFFER TO RUN A TANK THROUGH HIS CAFE.
( alarm buzzing )
( startled gasp )
THE FLASHING KNOBS.
ROGER, ROGER!
I THINK WE ARE GETTING THE MESSAGE.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
IT IS SO LONG AGO,
YOU HAVE TAKEN ME BY SURPRISE.
I SAY, IS SOMEONE GOING TO ANSWER THAT DAMNED THING?
I WAS FAST ASLEEP.
IT'LL BE LONDON-- IT MAY BE FOR US.
COME ON. TAKE THE OTHER END.
WHOA!
LEAVE IT ALONE, LEAVE IT ALONE.
I HAVE NOT TOUCHED ANYTHING.
HOW DOES THE DAMNED THING WORK?
LOUDSPEAKER'S IN THE JERRY.
Man: 'Allo, Nighthawk. 'Allo, Nighthawk.
Are you receiving me? Are you receiving me?
- Over? - WHAT'S HE SAYING?
I'VE NO IDEA, IT'S ALL IN FRENCH.
LET ME GET HOLD OF IT,
I KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT WORK.
I AM GLAD ONE OF US DOES.
'ALLO, 'ALLO,
THIS IS NIGHTHAWK'S MOTHER-IN-LAW,
PASS YOUR MESSAGE. OVER.
'Allo, 'allo.
Captain Hook is waiting for Peter Pan
in Never Never Land. Over.
I THINK WE HAVE THE CHILDREN'S PROGRAM.
NO, NO, FANNY,
- IT IS IN CODE. - CODE?
I SHALL DECIPHER.
THE PRINT IS SO SMALL, I CANNOT READ.
Hello, Nighthawk's mother-in-law.
Hello, Nighthawk's mother-in-law,
Are you reading me? Over.
NO, THE PRINT IS TOO SMALL,
PLEASE SEND A BIGGER BOOK.
OVER AND OUT.
RENE,
THESE MUSSELS-- THEY'RE NOT GOOD.
IS YOUR WIFE USING A NEW SPICE?
SUCH AS HAIR TONIC?
THEY COME FROM THE USUAL HARBOR, DEAR COLONEL.
I THINK ONE OF YOUR SUBMARINES IS LEAKING A LITTLE DIESEL OIL
DUE TO THE FACT THAT THE R.A.F. BLEW IT UP.
ALL THE R.A.F. HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN.
GOEBBELS SAID SO ON THE WIRELESS,
SO IT MUST BE TRUE.
MIND YOU, HE SAID EVA BRAUN WAS 29--
IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING.
SOMEBODY MAY BE LISTENING.
COLONEL, I HAVE A SLIGHT PROBLEM.
THE MONEY YOU PROMISED TO AMBUSH--
THE OWNER WANTS IT BACK AGAIN.
HARD CHICKEN.
THAT WAS THE BARGAIN, DEAR COLONEL.
I WAS TO GET THE MONEY FOR THE PAINTING,
GIVE THE PAINTING TO YOU,
AND YOU WERE TO AMBUSH THE COMMUNIST AND GET THE MONEY BACK.
WE DID NOT GET THE PAINTING,
GRUBER'S DOG GOT THE PAINTING.
IT COULD BE IN ANY NUMBER OF PLACES.
ESPECIALLY IF THE DOGGY ATE IT.
ANYWAY, THE MATTER IS CLOSED, SO FAR AS WE ARE CONCERNED.
WHICH BRINGS US TO THE MAIN REASON FOR OUR VISIT--
GIRLS.
AH YES, THE GIRLS.
WE HAVE FOR YOU, RENE, 12 LITERS OF PARAFFIN,
FOUR KILOS OF SUGAR,
ONE KILO OF BUTTER.
THANK YOU, COLONEL.
THAT SHOULD COVER THE FLYING HELMET AND THE WET CELERY.
WHAT IF WE CHUCK IN 500 CIGARETTES?
FOR 500 CIGARETTES
I WOULD THROW IN A FULLY WOUND CUCKOO-CLOCK.
THAT DOES NOT SOUND MUCH FUN.
YOU WAIT UNTIL IT STRIKES 12:00.
Both: DONE.
I WILL ARRANGE IT.
- RENE? - WHAT?
ARE THEY GOING TO GIVE US THE MONEY FOR MONSIEUR ALPHONSE?
NO, NOT A HOPE.
THEN YVETTE HAS A PLAN.
GOOD. IN THE BACK ROOM.
YVETTE-- IN THE BACK ROOM.
MARIA, TELL MONSIEUR LECLERC TO JOIN US IN THE BACK ROOM
AS SOON AS HE HAS FINISHED HIS SOLO.
YVETTE, SIT DOWN.
NOW, TELL RENE OF YOUR PLAN.
MONSIEUR LECLERC, THE FORGER,
HAS BEEN SECRETLY SLIPPING AWAY TO THE CELLAR.
I HAVE SPIED ON HIM, HE IS FORGING MONEY.
WE COULD GIVE MONSIEUR ALPHONSE FORGED MONEY.
EDITH, LECLERC IS NOT A GOOD FORGER.
BUT I KNOW MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
HE WILL NOT EVEN LOOK AT THE MONEY.
HE WILL PUT IT STRAIGHT BACK IN HIS MATTRESS.
HE IS DEAD STINGY.
IT IS DECEITFUL AND UNDERHAND--
IT IS A GOOD PLAN.
HOW DO WE PERSUADE MONSIEUR LECLERC
TO REVEAL TO US
WHERE HE HAS HIDDEN HIS SECRET HORDE?
( knocking )
MONSIEUR LECLERC IS HERE.
LEAVE THIS TO ME.
YOU WISH TO SEE ME?
MONSIEUR LECLERC,
I DO NOT WISH TO SPREAD PANIC
BUT THE CAFE IS ON FIRE.
OH. WELL I SHALL GO--
FIRE!? FIRE!?
M-MY GOD, MY SAVINGS!
MY LIFE FORGED SAVINGS!
MY MONEY!
AH, OFFICER CRABTREE. CAN I GET YOU A COGNAC?
NO, I AM NOT ALOOD TO DRUNK WHEN I AM ON DIRTY.
I AM AMAZED THAT NO ONE HAS PENETRATED YOUR DISGUISE.
I HAVE BEEN LICKY,
BUT I HAVE HAD SOME NARROW SQUAWKS.
I WISH TO SPOOK WITH RENE.
KILL HIM AND GET ME A CIFFEE.
RENE!
- GOOD MOANING. - AH, OFFICER--
HOW KIND OF YOU TO PATRONIZE MY HUMBLE CAFE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, YOU STUPID NIT?
YOU'RE GOING TO GET US ALL NICKED.
MICHELLE HAS A MASSAGE FOR YOU.
SAT HERE AND SHE WILL GIN YOU AT THIS TOBLE.
AH, I MUST BE ABOOT MY BOSSNESS.
A POLOCEMAN'S LIT IS NOT A HIPPY WIN.
AND HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON OUR SIDE.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.
CAPTAIN HOOK IS WAITING FOR PETER PAN IN NEVER-NEVER LAND.
THERE WOULD BE VERY LITTLE POINT IN YOU SAYING THAT TWICE.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS.
HOW ARE YOU EVER GOING TO HELP US
IF YOU DO NOT LEARN YOUR CODE BOOK?
IT MEANS, THE PLAN OF ESCAPE
FOR THE BRITISH AIRMEN HAS BEEN APPROVED BY LONDON.
GOOD.
WHAT PLAN?
TO ESCAPE IN THE AIRPLANE FROM THE MUSEUM.
SURELY, YOU ARE NOT GOING AHEAD
WITH THAT HAREBRAINED SCHEME?
IT HASN'T EVEN GOT AN ENGINE!
WE HAVE STOLEN FROM GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
THE ENGINE OF HIS MOTOR MOWER.
MICHELLE, HE WILL DO HIS NUT!
YOU ARE GOING TO HIDE IT FOR US.
WHERE IS IT?
( engine starts )
WE WILL LEAVE IT HERE. NO ONE WILL SUSPECT
IT IS THE BATH CHAIR OF YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.
MORE OF THE CURSED ENEMY APPROACH.
COME, LISETTE, WE WILL MELT AWAY.
GOOD MORNING, RENE.
I WAS JUST OUT FOR A LITTLE SPIN,
AND I THOUGHT I WOULD DROP BY.
GOOD.
HOW PRETTY YOUR TANK IS LOOKING TODAY.
I JUST GAVE IT A POLISH.
NOW, I HAVE A LITTLE FANCY FOR SOMETHING FROM THE BAR.
MARIA OR YVETTE?
A COGNAC.
OF COURSE.
WILL YOU COME THIS WAY?
MARIA, A COGNAC FOR LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
OF COURSE.
GOOD MORNING, LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
GOOD MORNING.
SHOO, SHOO.
NOW, RENE,
I WISH TO SPEAK TO YOU MAN TO MAN.
IS THIS GOOD NEWS OR BAD NEWS?
I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I CAN IMAGINE.
I AM IN HOT WATER WITH THE GESTAPO.
THAT CAN BE VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
HERR FLICK BELIEVES THAT YOU KNOW THE WHEREABOUTS
OF THE SAUSAGE CONTAINING THE REAL PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.
- WITH THE BIG-- - CORRECT.
HE HAS GIVEN ME THE TASK OF TRYING TO WRING
THIS INFORMATION OUT OF YOU.
IF YOU DO NOT COOPERATE,
I HAVE BEEN ORDERED--
I HAVE BEEN ORDERED TO--
I CAN NOT SAY IT.
GO ON, LIEUTENANT, SAY IT.
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN ORDERED TO DO?
DRIVE MY LITTLE TANK FROM WHERE IT IS PARKED
INTO YOUR GARDEN AT THE BACK.
WHAT IS SO TERRIBLE ABOUT THAT?
IN A STRAIGHT LINE--
THROUGH YOUR CAFE.
I SEE.
LIEUTENANT, WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY TO YOU
IS IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE,
JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
RENE,
I AM YOUR FRIEND.
YES...
THERE IS ANOTHER SAUSAGE
CONTAINING THE ORIGINAL PAINTING, THE REAL ONE.
IT IS BRICKED UP IN MY CELLAR.
IT BELONGS TO THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN.
THEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS UNBRICK IT
AND GIVE IT TO ME.
BUT, LIEUTENANT, THAT WOULD DROP ME RIGHT IN IT.
THE COLONEL WILL HAVE ME SHOT.
I WILL TAKE YOU TO MY QUARTERS
AND HIDE YOU.
YES, THAT IS A GOOD PLAN FOR STARTERS.
LET US SEE IF WE CAN THINK OF ANOTHER ONE.
- I HAVE IT! - I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.
HOW WOULD IT BE IF WE SUBSTITUTED
ANOTHER FORGERY IN ANOTHER SAUSAGE?
BUT WE HAVE NOT GOT ANOTHER FORGERY.
THESE DAYS IT IS HARD ENOUGH TO GET THE SAUSAGE.
I THINK I COULD PROVIDE A COPY
IF I COULD SEE THE ORIGINAL.
ARE YOU AN ARTIST?
WELL, I HAVE LEANINGS, YOU KNOW?
AND NOT A LITTLE TALENT.
BEFORE I WAS A WINDOW DRESSER
I WAS EMPLOYED IN AN ART GALLERY.
OCCASIONALLY, I WAS ALLOWED TO TOUCH UP OLD MASTERS.
ONE HAS TO START SOMEWHERE.
LET US GO DOWN TO YOUR CELLAR AND EXAMINE THE MASTERPIECE.
NO, I WILL RETRIEVE THE PAINTING
AND HAVE IT DELIVERED TO YOUR QUARTERS.
BRING IT YOURSELF.
COME AT THE DEAD OF NIGHT TO THE SIDE DOOR,
KNOCK FOUR TIMES,
A LITTLE TRAP WILL OPEN IN THE DOOR.
ASK FOR VERONIQUE.
IS THIS YOUR CODE NAME?
NO, IT IS THE MAID WHO WORKS AT THE CHATEAU.
SHE WILL SHOW YOU TO MY QUARTERS.
SORRY.
( sighs heavily )
WHY DO YOU SIGH, MARIA?
IT IS THE LIFE WE LEAD, YVETTE.
IT IS TERRIBLE.
CLIMBING THOSE STAIRS TIME AFTER TIME
TO ENTERTAIN MEN.
IT IS NOT RIGHT.
I AGREE WITH YOU.
WE SHOULD HAVE A ROOM ON THE GROUND FLOOR.
- HELLO. - OH, CAPTAIN!
I HAVE WITH ME THE GOODIES.
THE PARAFFIN IS OUTSIDE.
( horn honking )
THAT IS THE COLONEL. HE IS IN A BAD MOOD.
WE TOSSED UP TO SEE WHO SHOULD BRING
THESE LITTLE THINGS TO YOU AND I WON.
NOW, WHO IS TO GET THIS LITTLE BOTTLE OF PERFUME?
- ME. - ME.
EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY, MO,
CATCH A FRENCH GIRL BY HER TOE,
IF SHE HOLLERS, WHO'S TO KNOW,
OUT GOES YOU. IT IS YOURS.
OH, THANK YOU.
OH, MARIA. WE WILL SHARE,
WE WILL BOTH WEAR IT TONIGHT.
- ( horn honks ) - COMING, COLONEL.
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE CUDDLE ON ACCOUNT?
I HOPE YOU ARE NOT BEING NICE TO ME
JUST BECAUSE I AM A CONQUERING HERO.
WHAT ARE YOU MAKING?
THE SPECIALTY OF THE DAY-- FROGS' LEGS SOUP.
IT LOOKS DELICIOUS--
SAVE A PORTION FOR ME FOR TONIGHT.
ALL THOSE LEGS,
THEY REMIND ME OF THE FOLIES BERGERES.
TONIGHT WE WILL REMIND YOU OF THE FOLIES BERGERES.
- ( horn honking ) - COMING, COLONEL.
CAPTAIN GEERING,
DID YOU REMEMBER THE BATTERY FOR MY CYCLE LAMP?
AH, YES, YES. I HAVE IT HERE.
OH, YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN.
NO, YOU MUSTN'T TICKLE.
YOU SENT FOR ME, HERR FLICK?
YES, HELGA.
YOU ARE THREE MINUTES LATE.
MY DUTIES WITH THE COLONEL END AT 5:30.
I HAVE TO TIDY THE OFFICE, AND THEN I HAVE TO HAVE A SCHNAPPS WITH HIM.
I HOPE THAT YOU DID NOT ENJOY IT.
NOT AT ALL.
GOOD. YOU MAY KISS ME.
STOP!
ALSO YOU HAD CHEESE BISCUIT.
THE COLONEL ALWAYS INSISTS THAT WITH MY DRINK
I ALSO HAVE A LITTLE NIBBLE.
NOW PAY ATTENTION.
I WILL SHORTLY BE INVITING YOU TO THE GESTAPO CLUB.
- ARE YOU PLEASED? - OF COURSE, HERR FLICK.
TO BE IN THE CLUB WITH THE GESTAPO
WILL BE A GREAT HONOR.
I KNOW.
YOU WILL BE MY PARTNER AT THE ANNUAL GESTAPO DANCE
IN BERLIN.
FIRST, THERE WILL BE A BANQUET
WITH THE TRADITIONAL BOAR'S HEAD,
BARON OF BEEF, FRANKFURTERS,
STRUDEL, SAUERKRAUT AND OODLES OF BEER.
THE PLACE WILL BE FULL OF BIG NOISES,
INCLUDING GOERING AND HIMMLER.
I CAN'T WAIT.
AT MIDNIGHT YOU WILL BE EXPECTED TO DANCE
THE TRADITIONAL GESTAPO DANCE.
HOW DOES IT GO, HERR FLICK?
I WILL DEMONSTRATE.
( music plays )
♪ YOU PUT YOUR LEFT BOOT IN ♪
♪ YOU TAKE YOUR LEFT BOOT OUT ♪
♪ YOU DO A LOT OF SHOUTING ♪
♪ AND YOU SHAKE YOUR FISTS ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU LIGHT A LITTLE SMOKEY, AND YOU BURN DOWN THE TOWN ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ HEIL ♪
♪ OH, HIMMLER, HIMMLER, HIMMLER... ♪
( telephone rings )
SWITCH IT OFF.
( needle scratches )
YES, GRUBER?
YES, CARRY ON, GRUBER.
GRUBER HAS A GOOD LEAD AND HAS EVERY HOPE
OF TRACKING DOWN THE PAINTING.
THIS IS GOOD NEWS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, VON SMALLHAUSEN?
I HAVE TO REPORT A SERIOUS CASE OF SABOTAGE
TO THE LAWN MOWER OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
THE ENGINE HAS DISAPPEARED.
THIS IS VERY MYSTERIOUS.
WHO WOULD REQUIRE THE ENGINE OF A LAWN MOWER?
POSSIBLY, HERR FLICK,
SOMEONE WHO POSSESSES A LAWN MOWER WITHOUT AN ENGINE.
DON'T BE A SMART ASS WITH ME, VON SMALLHOUSEN.
HERR FLICK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
ABOUT GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN'S LAWN?
IT WILL BE UNTIDY.
GET SOME PEASANTS TO EAT THE GRASS.
OF COURSE, HERR FLICK.
AT ONCE.
NOW YOU ARE QUITE CLEAR WHAT YOU MUST DO?
YES, RENE.
I GO TO THE SIDE DOOR OF THE CHATEAU,
I RAP FOUR TIMES ON THE DOOR.
A TRAP WILL OPEN,
AND I REQUEST TO BE TAKEN INTO THE PRESENCE OF VERONIQUE.
NO...
VERONIQUE WILL TAKE YOU TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?
GIVE HIM THE SAUSAGE.
GOOD, WHERE IS IT?
HERE.
GOOD, NOBODY WILL SUSPECT.
GO NOW.
RENE, EMBRACE ME.
OF COURSE.
- HOLD ME TIGHTER. - NO, NO I MUST NOT,
I MIGHT CRUSH YOUR KNOCKWURST.
OFF YOU GO.
RENE, AFTER WE ARE MARRIED
WE WILL LOOK BACK ON ALL THIS AND LAUGH, WILL WE NOT?
OH, MARIA, WE WILL HAVE HYSTERICS.
NOW, BE OFF.
RENE, YOUR WIFE WISHES TO SEE YOU
IN THE BACK ROOM.
SHE IS ALONE.
OH, RENE,
ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HER THAT YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY ME?
YVETTE, NOT AT A TIME LIKE THIS.
WE ARE JUST ABOUT TO OPEN.
BUT RENE, SHE KEEPS GIVING ME FUNNY LOOKS.
PERHAPS SHE SUSPECTS THERE IS SOMETHING UP BETWEEN US.
OH, YVETTE.
RENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THE POOR CHILD.
HAVE YOU NOT HEARD?
HER GRANDMOTHER HAS DIED.
SHE DIED THREE YEARS AGO.
THE SHOCK HAS JUST HIT HER.
TAKE 10 MINUTES OFF, DEAR GIRL,
COMPOSE YOURSELF, LIGHT A CANDLE.
THANK YOU, RENE.
OH, RENE, ALWAYS SO COMPASSIONATE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE WAITING FOR ME IN THE BACK ROOM?
I WAS.
I WAS LOOKING AT THE PHOTOGRAPH OF OUR WEDDING,
IT BROUGHT IT ALL BACK TO ME.
YOU WERE TALL AND HANDSOME,
I WAS YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL.
YES, IT IS AMAZING WHAT THOSE PHOTOGRAPHERS CAN DO.
RENE, WE SHOULD HAVE A WEDDING WITHOUT DELAY.
THE VILLAGE EXPECT ONE,
THE GERMANS EXPECT ONE.
YOU ARE NOT EXPECTING ONE, ARE YOU?
MADAME--
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE THE UNDERTAKER
IS COMING DOWN THE ROAD IN HIS HORSE-DRAWN HEARSE.
- ( hoofs clicking rapidly ) - WHOA!
HE'S HAVING TROUBLE WITH HIS BRAKES AGAIN.
- HE WILL BE COMING FOR HIS MONEY. - ATTEND TO HIM AT ONCE.
RENE, YOU WILL GET MY MONEY BACK FROM HIM
AND GIVE IT TO ME LIKE YOU PROMISED?
OF COURSE.
MY WIFE WILL GO INTO HIS ROOMS AND DO WHAT IS NECESSARY
WITH THE MATTRESS.
LONG LIVE FRANCE.
INDEED, AS YOU SAY, MONSIEUR LECLERC,
LONG LIVE FRANCE.
WHAT A TALE WE SHALL HAVE TO TELL TO OUR CHILDREN.
CHILDREN?
MADAME EDITH--
SHE HAS GOT ONE OF THESE IN THERE, HAS SHE?
SHUT UP.
YOU ARE COMBING YOUR HAIR VERY NICELY, HANS.
THANK YOU, COLONEL.
I SEE YOU HAVE POLISHED YOUR HEAD.
WE HAVE TO LOOK OUR BEST FOR THE GIRLS.
COLONEL, I THINK I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO
WITH THE CUCKOO CLOCK.
- WHAT? - CHARGE FOR AN EXTRA BIRD.
GOOD EVENING, COLONEL; GOOD EVENING, CAPTAIN.
HOW HANDSOME YOU BOTH LOOK!
( hoofbeats approaching )
AH, I MUST WELCOME MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
WHOA!
MAYBE NEXT TIME AROUND THE HORSES WILL GROW TIRED.
MEANWHILE, I WILL TAKE THIS LITTLE OPPORTUNITY
TO SING FOR YOU A SONG ENTITLED
"I LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR LOVE
AND FOUND IT--
- UNDER THE TABLE. - --IN MY HEART."
MONSIEUR LECLERC, THE INTRODUCTION, IF YOU PLEASE.
- ( piano begins playing ) - QUICK, THE CHEESE, HANS.
( tires screeching, crash )
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
I HOPE YOU WILL EXCUSE THE DELAY, MADAME.
IT WAS MY NEW HORSE, HE IS NOT USED TO THE HEARSE.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SING A SONG.
I AM JUST IN TIME. SIT DOWN, PLEASE.
YOU LOOK ENCHANTING, MADAME,
THE GLINT IN YOUR HAIR, THE DANCING LIGHTS IN YOUR EYES,
THE INVITING GLOSS ON YOUR SENSUOUS LIPS,
YOUR HEADY PERFUME-- WHERE IS THE MONEY?
RENE, THE LITTLE PARCEL FOR MONSIEUR ALPHONSE!
AH, YES. HERE IT IS.
HERE WE ARE, MONSIEUR.
THE SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU LEFT WITH ME FOR SAFEKEEPING.
MERCI, MONSIEUR. THANK YOU.
I EXPECT YOU WANT TO TAKE IT HOME
AND PUT IT IN THE SECRET HIDING PLACE KNOWN ONLY TO YOU AND TO ME.
OF COURSE.
BUT FIRST I WISH TO SAY HOW RELIEVED I AM
AT HAVING RECOVERED MY NEST EGG.
IT PUTS ME IN A GENEROUS AND EXPANSIVE MOOD.
I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU ALL, EACH ONE OF YOU,
TO TAKE WINE, CHAMPAGNE, COGNAC,
ANYTHING YOU DESIRE.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, UNDERTAKER,
"SWIFTLY AND WITH STYLE,"
WILL PAY THE BILL.
WITH THAT MONEY?
OF COURSE.
YOU ARE FAR TOO GENEROUS.
YOU MUST NOT SPEND ALL THIS MONEY,
NOT IN HERE ANYWAY.
COME ALONG, RENE, DON'T BE A WET BLANKET.
IF HE WANTS TO BUY US ALL FREE DRINKS
LET'S HAVE A PARTY.
FREE DRINKS! FREE DRINKS!
DO NOT GO MAD!
SMALL MEASURES, SMALL MEASURES.
FOR MADAME FANNY,
THE BEAUTIFUL MOTHER OF MADAME EDITH--
5,000 FRANCS TO BUY A NEW BONNET.
A NEW BONNET FOR MAMMA?
NO, MONSIEUR, IT'S TOO GENEROUS.
ROGER, QUICKLY TO THE MILLINER'S BEFORE THEY CLOSE.
MONSIEUR RENE, THIS IS FOR YOUR FRONT DOOR
WHICH I SLIGHTLY DAMAGED
BY BEING THROWN THROUGH IT BY MY HORSE.
AND THIS IS FOR YOUR CHICKENS, WHICH I RAN OVER WITH MY HEARSE.
THANK YOU, MONSIEUR.
THE RINGING OF YOUR TILL MUST BE MUSIC TO YOUR EARS.
MUSIC, YES.
I COULD STRANGLE THE COMPOSER.
RENE...
IF MY MOTHER SPENDS THAT FORGED NOTE IN THE HAT SHOP
OUR COVER WILL BE BLOWN.
THEN STOP HER. WHERE IS SHE?
MONSIEUR LECLERC IS TAKING HER THERE IN THE WHEELCHAIR.
THE WHEELCHAIR?
NO, NOT THE WHEELCHAIR!
- HAVE YOU GOT THE BRAKE ON? - NO, FANNY.
WELL, PUSH HARDER. THE SHOP WILL CLOSE SOON.
( engine starts )
MONSIEUR LECLERC, COME BACK HERE.
FANNY, MY LOVE, WHAT SHALL I DO?
TURN RIGHT AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS
AND TAKE THE SECOND ON THE LEFT.
( theme music playing )