( theme music playing )
SOME OF YOU MAY BE CURIOUS TO KNOW WHAT I AM DOING
IN AN HAYSTACK WEARING A TOP HAT AND COAL SCUTTLE.
( metal rattles )
I WILL TELL YOU.
I AM HIDING FROM MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
A DECREPIT OLD UNDERTAKER
WHO CHALLENGED ME TO A DUEL.
MY WIFE, EDITH, INVITED THE WHOLE VILLAGE
TO WITNESS THIS SPECTACLE.
SO, SHE WAS PARTICULARLY DISAPPOINTED WHEN I RAN AWAY.
BUT, IT'S JUST AS WELL THAT I DID, BECAUSE,
IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT I WAS ZIGZAGGING THROUGH THE WOODS,
HE STILL MANAGED TO DENT MY SCUTTLE AT 75 YARDS.
THE QUESTION NOW IS, HOW MUCH LONGER
CAN I GO ON HIDING FROM HIM WITHOUT BEING DISCOVERED?
PSST, PSST, RENE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WE ARE HAVING A SECRET MEETING.
WE HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT COURSE OF ACTION TO TAKE NEXT.
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT COURSE OF ACTION TO TAKE NEXT--
GET ME TO SWITZERLAND.
WE NEED YOU HERE.
YOU ARE A VITAL LINK IN THE ESCAPE ROUTE
OF THE BRITISH AIRMEN.
THE BALLOON IS ASSEMBLED,
A FAVORABLE WIND IS EXPECTED.
WE WILL NEED YOU TO TAKE THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO THE RENDEZVOUS.
DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?
THAT MANIAC UNDERTAKER IS TRYING TO KILL ME.
WE HAVE DECIDED ON A DISGUISE.
YOU HAVE?
OH, MICHELLE,
HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU?
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES.
THE RESISTANCE DON'T MESS ABOUT, DO THEY?
COULD WE NOT KISS AND CUDDLE A LITTLE BIT FIRST?
IT IS SO YOU CAN PUT ON YOUR DISGUISE.
OH.
I THOUGHT MY LUCK HAD CHANGED.
( singing off-key ) ♪ WHO-OOO MEANS MY HAPPINESS? ♪
♪ WHO-OOO WOULD I NOT ♪
♪ SAY YES TO-OOO? ♪
♪ WELL, YOU OUGHT TO GUESS ♪
♪ WHO-OOO ♪
♪ NO ONE BUT YOU-OOO. ♪
MADAME, YOU HAVE A VOICE IN A MILLION.
WHEN WE ARE MARRIED, I WILL SING TO YOU EVERY NIGHT.
MADAME EDITH, IT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE,
AFTER ALL, OUR BEDROOM IS ABOVE THE MORTUARY.
OH, FORGIVE ME. I WAS FORGETTING.
I COULD HUM "AVE MARIA" UNACCOMPANIED.
YOU PROBABLY WOULD BE.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, IT IS VERY URGENT THAT I SPEAK TO YOU.
I DO NOT KNOW YOU.
I AM MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE.
MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE?
NOT THE INTREPID LEADER OF THAT BRAVE BAND OF PARTISANS
WHO ROAM THE COUNTRYSIDE STRIKING TERROR INTO THE HEARTS
OF GERMANS AND COLLABORATORS ALIKE?
NOT THE GIRL WHO IS A LEGEND,
WHO COMES INTO OUR MIDST
LIKE A PHANTOM AND THEN VANISHES WITHOUT A TRACE?
THAT IS THE ONE.
LEAD, MADEMOISELLE, AND WE WILL FOLLOW.
I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.
NOW LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I WILL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.
I WILL TAKE NOTES.
OH, YVETTE, RENE IS OUTSIDE.
OH NO, IF MONSIEUR ALPHONSE SEES HIM,
HE WILL KILL HIM.
DO NOT WORRY, HE'S IN DISGUISE.
HE WILL WAIT IN THE CAFE UNTIL MICHELLE EXPLAINS
TO MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HOW IMPORTANT RENE IS TO OUR CAUSE.
ANOTHER COGNAC, PLEASE, YVETTE.
ANY NEWS OF RENE?
NOT A WORD.
THE PLACE IS NOT THE SAME WITHOUT HIM.
IT'S ALL CLEAR.
THOSE EYES,
THEY LOOK VERY FAMILIAR,
PARTICULARLY THAT ONE.
( falsetto ) I AM TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO BE FAMILIAR, MONSIEUR.
I HAVE IT.
YOU ARE A RELATION OF RENE, WHO WORKS BEHIND THE BAR.
VERY DISTANT.
YOU HAVE... VERY HAIRY LEGS.
THEY RUN IN THE FAMILY.
RENE, IT IS YOU.
PLEASE, LIEUTENANT, DO NOT GIVE ME AWAY.
DON'T WORRY, YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME.
NO, NO, YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
YES, I DO!
I HAD AN UNCLE WITH THE SAME LEANINGS.
EVERY SHROVE TUESDAY,
HE WOULD DRESS UP AS A PANCAKE GIRL.
I SUPPOSE YOU THINK I AM A COWARD.
ON THE CONTRARY.
I THINK IT TAKES GREAT COURAGE
TO COME OUT IN THE OPEN AND DRESS THAT WAY.
OH MY GOD, GERMANS. AND THEY ARE COMING
- TO THIS TABLE. - DON'T WORRY, I WILL COVER.
MADEMOISELLE, A DANCE?
WHAT? WELL, NO, I DON'T-- I'M NOT VERY GOOD.
DON'T WORRY, I WILL LEAD.
( piano music playing )
ARE THEY WATCHING US?
DON'T WORRY, JUST BE NORMAL.
I AM DOING MY BEST.
WE WILL DO A FEW MORE BARS
THEN I WILL PUT YOU IN MY LITTLE TANK
AND TAKE YOU BACK TO MY PLACE
UNTIL IT DIES DOWN.
PSST, RENE.
LIEUTENANT, DO YOU FEATHER?
OF COURSE.
JUST LEAVE ME HERE WITH MY FRIENDS, WILL YOU?
YOU ARE NOT REALLY DRESSED FOR A TANK.
I THINK I HAD BETTER GO AND WARM IT UP FOR YOU.
IF YOU NEED A PUSH START JUST LET ME KNOW,
I'LL GET THE REST OF THE GIRLS.
AARGHH!
I DID NOT KNOW
WHO IT WAS I WAS CHALLENGING TO A DUEL.
YOU, THE LEADER OF THE ESCAPE ROUTE.
LET ME KISS THE HEM OF YOUR DRESS.
PLEASE, PLEASE,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, YOU EMBARRASS ME.
TELL ME WHAT TO DO,
I WILL FOLLOW YOU ANYWHERE.
IN A MINUTE, I AM GOING TO HAVE TO GO
TO THE LITTLE GIRL'S ROOM.
OH, MADAME,
I COULD NOT COME BETWEEN YOU AND THIS--
THIS-- PERHAPS THE BRAVEST MAN IN FRANCE.
HENCEFORTH, I WILL ADMIRE YOU FROM AFAR.
GOOD DAY TO YOU ALL,
VIVE LA FRANCE.
- VIVE DE GAULLE. - WHO?
YOU KNOW, DE GAULLE.
THE ONE WITH THE BIG HOOTER.
OF COURSE. VIVE DE GAULLE.
- THANK HEAVENS HE HAS GONE. - THAT IS ALL VERY WELL FOR YOU,
BUT WHAT AM I TO TELL MY FRIENDS?
I CANNOT BE SEEN OUT WITH A COWARD.
I HAVE THE EXPLANATION.
YOU WILL TELL THEM THAT DURING THE DUEL,
A BUMBLEBEE FLEW DOWN HIS TROUSERS AT A CRITICAL MOMENT,
CAUSING HIM TO RUN INTO THE RIVER.
BUT THE NEAREST RIVER IS THREE MILES AWAY.
IT WAS A VERY BIG BEE.
RENE?
HELGA IS HERE. SHE MUST SEE YOU.
- SHE'S IN TROUBLE. - HELGA?
ONE LAST MESSAGE BEFORE I GO,
THE WIND IS FAVORABLE.
WHEN THE MOON IS DOWN, YOU WILL LEAD THE AIRMEN TO THE BALLOON.
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
- HELLO. - HELLO.
WE WILL DISAPPEAR LIKE PHANTOMS INTO THE NIGHT.
Rene: OH, GOOD.
COME IN.
RENE, THE COLONEL AND CAPTAIN HAVE BEEN ARRESTED BY THE GESTAPO.
THEY ARE, EVEN NOW, IMPRISONED
IN THE DUNGEONS OF THE CHATEAU.
- ( crashing; breaking glass ) - WHAT WAS THAT?!
IT WAS THE PHANTOMS, FALLING OVER THE DUSTBIN.
SOON THEY WILL BE INTERROGATED.
HERR FLICK ALWAYS GETS TO THE BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? I HAVE DONE NOTHING.
YOU HAVE HIDDEN IN YOUR CELLAR A KNOCKWURST SAUSAGE
CONTAINING THE REAL PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP,
A COPY OF WHICH IS HANGING IN THE GESTAPO SAUSAGE IN YOUR KITCHEN
WHICH HERR FLICK IS UNDER THE IMPRESSION IS THE REAL PAINTING,
WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE TRAIN TO HITLER,
WHICH DID NOT ARRIVE DUE TO THE FACT
THAT IT WAS SUBSTITUTED FOR A NORMAL KNOCKWURST, WHICH WAS BLOWN UP.
THEY MAY REVEAL THIS UNDER TORTURE.
WILL THEY REMEMBER IT?
COME, WE MUST HELP THEM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
- HELGA, I CANNOT GO LIKE THIS! - WHY NOT?
I AM DISGUISED AS A GIRL.
HOW YOU RELAX OFF DUTY
IS NO CONCERN OF THE GERMAN ARMY.
NOT SO FAST.
MY NAME IS ENGELBERT VON SMALLHAUSEN
OF THE GESTAPO.
I AM WISHING TO SPEAK
WITH RENE ARTOIS, THE BARMAN.
OH, WHAT A PITY.
YOU HAVE MISSED HIM BY THAT MUCH.
IT IS HIS NIGHT OFF.
THE ENGINE IS WARMED UP, RENE, SO LET'S GO.
SO...
YOU ARE RENE ARTOIS.
WHY DO YOU DRESS AS A WOMAN
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I WAS GOING TO A PANCAKE PARTY.
YOU WILL COME WITH ME.
I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE DUNGEONS
OF THE GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS.
HAVE YOU ANY PERSONAL BELONGINGS YOU WISH TO BRING?
JUST MY HANDBAG.
YOU ARE PRIVATE HELGA GEERHART?
I AM.
HERR FLICK ORDERS THAT YOU ALSO ATTEND.
PLEASE,
COME WITH ME.
OH, THIS IS TERRIBLE. WHAT SHALL WE DO?
WE SHALL HAVE TO GO OVER THE HEADS OF THE GESTAPO.
WHO ARE YOU CALLING?
GENERAL ERICH VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
'ALLO, 'ALLO.
( wind moaning )
( metal scraping )
HANS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I AM SCRAPING AT THE CEMENT.
I AM HOPING TO LOOSEN ONE OF THESE BRICKS.
DON'T BE ABSURD.
THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO DID IT.
IT TOOK HIM 20 YEARS.
COME TO THINK OF IT,
THE FILM HAD ALREADY STARTED WHEN I WENT IN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE IS GOING TO DO TO US?
WHO KNOWS?
THEY ARE TERRIBLE WITH WOMEN.
COLONEL, COLONEL, CAN YOU NOT JUST TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR SAUSAGE?
IF WE TELL HIM...
HE WILL FIND OUT THAT WE PINCHED
THE GENUINE PAINTING SO AS TO SELL IT WHEN ALL THIS IS OVER.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE MONEY OUT OF THE WAR?
WHY CAN YOU NOT JUST FIGHT AND HAVE DONE WITH IT?
RENE, I WANT YOU TO PROMISE ME
IF WE EVER GET OUT OF THIS,
THAT YOU WILL STOP SEEING THOSE RESISTANCE PEOPLE,
AND I WILL TRY NOT TO ARREST TOO MANY FRENCHMEN,
AND THEN WE CAN ALL LEAD A QUIET AND NORMAL LIFE.
I WAS TRYING TO LEAD A QUIET AND NORMAL LIFE
WHEN I WAS ARRESTED.
SO I SEE.
PULL YOUR SKIRT DOWN.
SO...
HAVE YOU DECIDED TO TALK YET?
WE KNOW NOTHING, HERR FLICK.
THAT EMPTY SAUSAGE IS A COMPLETE MYSTERY TO US.
HELGA PUT IT ON THE TRAIN.
HELGA HAS BEEN VERY THOROUGHLY INTERROGATED
AND HAS REVEALED NOTHING NEW TO ME.
HELGA,
I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE THE BRAZIER UP A BIT.
WHATEVER YOU SAY, HERR FLICK.
TAKE THE BELLOWS AND PUMP IT UP.
OH, YES, HERR FLICK.
THAT IS MORE LIKE IT.
YOU ARE EXCEEDING YOUR AUTHORITY.
THE GESTAPO HAS NO JURISDICTION
OVER SENIOR OFFICERS IN THE ARMY.
- OR JUNIOR OFFICERS. - WHAT ABOUT CAFE OWNERS?
THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY LIKE WITH THEM.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT.
YOU ARE A TEMPORARY GUEST
IN A WELL-EQUIPPED
AND COMPLETELY SOUNDPROOF DUNGEON.
WHAT IS MORE, I HARDLY THINK
A COMPLAINT THAT YOU WERE TORTURED TO REVEAL THE WHEREABOUTS
OF A KNOCKWURST SAUSAGE
WILL BE TREATED VERY SERIOUSLY BY THE HIGH COMMAND.
I WILL RETURN VERY SOON.
WHEN I DO, I SUGGEST YOU TALK!
A NOTE!
I KNEW WE COULD RELY ON HELGA.
HELGA WILL HAVE A PLAN. WHAT DOES IT SAY?
IT SAYS, "HAVE YOU GOT A PLAN?"
I DO NOT OFTEN DO THIS,
BUT I AM GOING TO OFFER UP A SILENT PRAYER.
WE SHALL ALL DO THE SAME.
- HANS? - OH.
WHO PRAYED FOR THAT?
IT IS COMING FROM THIS VENTILATOR, HERE.
JUST A MINUTE.
OH, IT SMELLS LIKE A SEWER DOWN THERE.
IT IS I, LECLERC.
THE WIND IS TERRIBLE IN THE SEWERS.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - I BRING A MESSAGE FROM MICHELLE.
WHAT IS YOUR MESSAGE?
IT IS FOR RENE'S EARS ONLY.
NEVER MIND THAT. GET ON WITH IT. WHAT IS IT?
MICHELLE SAYS,
"HAVE YOU GOT A PLAN?"
OF COURSE WE HAVEN'T GOT A PLAN!
IN THAT CASE, YOU ARE IN DEAD SCHTOOCK.
COME BACK HERE! COME BACK--
IF WE WERE SMALLER, WE COULD GET DOWN THAT HOLE.
SOMEBODY ELSE IS COMING.
RENE, IT IS I, MARIA.
I HAVE CRAWLED THROUGH THE DRAINS.
I HAD TO SAY GOODBYE.
OH, KISS ME FOR PERHAPS THE LAST TIME.
OH, WELL, IT IS A BIT EMBARRASSING
WITH THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN.
STICK YOUR HEAD DOWN THE HOLE AND DO IT.
HANS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY SEE IN THE MAN.
HE HAS QUITE GOOD LEGS.
All: OOOH!
- IT IS I, YVETTE. - ANOTHER ONE.
I HAVE BROUGHT YOU YOUR RINGS.
MY RINGS?
THE HOLLOW ONES, CONTAINING THE PILLS
WITH THE DEADLY POISON. HERE,
IF ALL ELSE FAILS, TAKE THEM.
YOU WILL FEEL NO PAIN.
YOU WILL DIE INSTANTLY.
HOW THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.
RENE, I HAVE SAVED A PILL FOR MYSELF.
I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU.
WELL, DO NOT TAKE IT JUST YET, YVETTE.
( kissing )
HE HAS A BETTER TIME THAN WE DO, EVEN WITH HIS LOVE LIFE DOWN THE DRAIN.
WELL, THAT IS IT. THERE WE ARE THEN--
- THANK YOU, RENE. - ONE EACH.
COLONEL, THESE ARE THE RINGS WHICH WE GAVE TO RENE,
IN CASE HE GOT CAUGHT.
YES, THOSE ARE THE RINGS--
THERE'S SOMEONE COMING.
HIDE THEM.
RENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THE GIRLS SMUDGED MY LIPSTICK.
AH.
HAVE YOU DECIDED TO TALK?
I HAVE DECIDED--
NOT TO TALK.
VERY WELL. HELGA,
THE WHEEL.
THE WHEEL?!
I WILL TAKE CARE OF THE ORGAN.
THE ORGAN?!
AARGHH!
( horror movie music )
GOOD.
BEFORE WE START, HAVE YOU ANY LAST REQUESTS?
"BLUE SKIES AROUND THE CORNER"?
HELGA, TURN!
( loud, ominous organ music playing )
( creaking )
- ( all yelling ) - COLONEL!
WHERE IS THE SAUSAGE?
THE FIEND! HE IS GOING TO CRUSH US!
IT IS IN THE CELLAR!
I CANNOT HEAR YOU.
( yelling ) IT IS IN THE CELLAR!
QUICK! THE BENCH. THE BENCH.
( crashing )
( yelling )
KEEP TURNING.
WE TOLD YOU! IT'S IN THE CELLAR.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
HELGA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
I AM SORRY, COLONEL.
I AM ONLY OBEYING ORDERS.
QUICK, SHOULDERS TO THE CEILING.
HANS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?
I AM WAITING FOR THE CEILING TO GET DOWN TO MY SHOULDERS.
DO YOU NOT FIND THESE GRAND CRASHING CHORDS VERY EXCITING?
I THINK YOU MISSED A NOTE. CAN YOU GO BACK A BIT?
KEEP TURNING, HELGA!
KEEP PLAYING, HERR FLICK!
LOOK!
NO HANDS.
HANS, I THINK IT'S TIME TO TAKE THE PILLS.
THE PILLS, QUICK.
NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.
ANOTHER FAULTY BATCH.
I'LL HAVE TO WRITE A LETTER ABOUT THIS.
GOODBYE, COLONEL.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
HEIL HITLER.
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?
THESE MEN ARE TRAITORS TO THE REICH.
THEY HAVE STOLEN A KNOCKWURST SAUSAGE
CONTAINING THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES,
WHICH WAS ON ITS WAY TO BERLIN.
THE SAUSAGE THEY SENT
WAS BLOWN UP BY THE R.A.F.
BUT UPON INVESTIGATION, IT TRANSPIRED
THAT THERE WAS NO PAINTING IN THE SAUSAGE.
AND IN FACT, ALL THE SAUSAGE CONTAINED...
WAS SAUSAGE.
UPON THIS EVIDENCE, YOU ARE FLATTENING
A COLONEL AND A CAPTAIN IN ONE OF MY DIVISIONS?
NOT TO MENTION A VERY PLAIN FRENCH GIRL?
MY AUTHORITY COMES FROM BERLIN.
MY AUTHORITY COMES FROM THIS GUN.
- RELEASE THEM. - I SEE.
TEMPORARILY, YOU HAVE THE UPPER HAND,
BUT I SHOULD WARN YOU
THAT MY GODFATHER IS HEINRICH HIMMLER.
MY WIFE'S SISTER IS THE MISTRESS OF HERMANN GOERING.
HERMANN GOERING HAS MANY MISTRESSES.
MY WIFE'S SISTER IS THE ONE
WHO WEARS THE CHAMOIS LEATHER UNDERCLOTHES.
AH.
HELGA,
TURN THE WHEEL THE OTHER WAY.
YES, HERR FLICK.
SO YOU ARE A PARTY TO THIS?!
NO, I WAS ONLY OBEYING ORDERS.
REVERSE THE WHEEL.
OH, DEAR. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
INCOMPETENT FOOLS! STAND BACK.
LADIES FIRST.
- ( thumping ) - EDITH, EDITH,
OH, EDITH,
WHY DO YOU IGNORE MY CRIES FOR ASSISTANCE?
I AM HERE NOW, MAMMA.
I HAVE JUST BEEN TO THE CHURCH TO LIGHT A CANDLE FOR--
WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?
I HAVE JUST BEEN TO THE CHURCH TO LIGHT A CANDLE FOR RENE.
I FEAR HE IS NO LONGER WITH US.
GOOD.
NOW YOU CAN MARRY THE UNDERTAKER
WHILE HE STILL HAS THE HOTS FOR YOU.
I CANNOT THINK ABOUT THAT NOW THAT RENE HAS GONE.
I MUST HAVE THE TWO AIRMEN AWAY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
OH, MY LITTLE EDITH,
ALWAYS SO HEADSTRONG.
GET THROUGH TO LONDON
SO THAT I CAN SPOOK ON THE ROODIO.
EDITH,
WHO IS THE FUZZ WITH THE BAD FRENCH?
HE IS AN EXPERT ON ESCAPING FROM LONDON.
ARE THINGS SO BAD IN LONDON?
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
MY ROOM IS FULL OF TRANSVESTITES.
I DO HOPE WE'RE NOT EXPECTED TO WEAR THESE THINGS IN THE BALLOON.
IT'LL BE DAMNED DRAFTY AROUND THE NEEDLES.
OH, EDITH,
I SEE FLASHING KNOBS.
Edith: IT IS LONDON,
HELP ME.
AARGHH!
QUICK.
GET THE CODE BOOK,
WHILE I ASSEMBLE THE RADIO.
'ALLO, 'ALLO,
THIS IS MRS. NIGHTHAWK CALLING.
WHERE IS THE WIND COMING FROM?
I SAY AGAIN, WHERE IS THE WIND COMING FROM?
THE SAME PLACE IT ALWAYS COMES FROM.
SHUT UP!
The wind is from the southeast,
three knots and holding steady.
Tonight is the night.
Bring signal torch.
When you are over coast--
flash it. Over and out.
EDITH, RENE HAS BEEN RELEASED
AND HAS RETURNED.
RENE RELEASED?
QUICK, EDITH, TO THE CHURCH.
BLOW OUT THE CANDLES, YOU MAY GET A REFUND.
OH, RENE,
THANK HEAVENS, YOU ARE ALIVE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT IS YOU
SITTING WITH ME HERE AT THIS TABLE,
WEARING THAT HAT AND THAT WIG,
AND THAT DRESS,
AND THOSE LITTLE WHITE SOCKS.
OH, YVETTE,
THANK GOD, IT IS ALL OVER.
AND WHAT IS MORE,
THE COLONEL AND I HAVE MADE A PACT
THAT FROM NOW ON,
EVERYTHING WILL RETURN TO NORMAL.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY, I WILL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.
YOU ARE ORDERED TO LEAD THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO THE BALLOON.
THEY WILL TAKE OFF TONIGHT.
BUT THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE.
ON THE ORDERS OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN HIMSELF,
THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN HAVE GONE OFF ON MANEUVERS,
THE ONES THAT WERE CANCELED.
THE TOWN IS RINGED WITH GERMAN SOLDIERS. WE ARE UNDER CURFEW.
PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED THROUGH WHO ARE ENGAGED IN ESSENTIAL SERVICES.
EVERYTHING HAS BEEN ARRANGED.
I HAVE A PLAN.
OH, NOW SHE HAS A PLAN.
WHY DID YOU NOT HAVE A PLAN
WHEN I WAS IN THE NUTCRACKER SUITE, HMM?
I CANNOT SAY WHAT AN HONOR IT IS
FOR ME TO ASSIST YOU, MONSIEUR RENE--
THE BRAVEST MAN IN FRANCE...
WHO HAS JUST ESCAPED DEATH
BY GESTAPO TORTURE,
AND WITHOUT THOUGHT OF PERSONAL DANGER,
IS EVEN NOW HELPING
THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE.
I AM QUITE A CHARACTER, AM I NOT?
- ( knocks ) - SOMEONE IS KNOCKING ON THE COFFIN.
WHOA.
( knocking; groaning )
WHAT ARE YOU KNOCKING FOR, YOU OLD BAT?
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.
I WISH TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT.
THIS IS NOT A CORRIDOR HEARSE.
DO NOT SPEAK LIKE THAT TO MY MOTHER.
YOU MUST BE KIND TO HER.
IT WAS YOUR IDEA SHE SHOULD BE THE CORPSE.
SHE IS THE NEAREST THING WE HAVE.
GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT.
WAGONS, ROLL!
WALK ON.
EDITH.
- ( knocks on wagon ) - NOT MUCH FURTHER, CHAPS.
Both: OH, JOLLY GOOD SHOW.
CAVEE, JERRIES ON THE HORIZON.
OH, RIGHT.
IT LOOKS LIKE A ROADBLOCK.
Colonel: SOMEBODY IS DISOBEYING THE CURFEW.
FUNERAL PROCESSIONS ARE ALLOWED, HERR COLONEL.
I WONDER WHY RENE IS RIDING IN THE FRONT?
I WONDER WHY THE TWO CORPSES
IN THE SECOND HEARSE
WERE SITTING UP
AND CHATTING TO EACH OTHER?
I THINK IT IS POSSIBLE THAT RENE
IS FINALLY GETTING RID OF THE BRITISH AIRMEN,
SO THAT LIFE CAN RETURN TO NORMAL LIKE HE PROMISED.
HANS,
TELL THE SERGEANT TO LET THEM PASS.
THIS IS A FUNEREAL.
WE ARE BORROWING SOME BIDDIES.
- BIDDIES? - DEAD BIDDIES IN KIFFINS.
PROCEED.
LET THEM PROCEED!
( car honking )
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
HALT!
Both: HALT!
- WHAT IS THIS? - A FUNERAL, HERR GENERAL.
I SEE.
( horse snorts )
OPEN THE COFFIN.
IT IS MY BROTHER'S WIFE'S MOTHER.
SHE DIED OF THE PLAGUE.
WHAT PLAGUE IS THIS?
THE PLAGUE THAT KILLS BROTHER'S WIFE'S MOTHERS.
OPEN THE COFFIN.
IF THIS SPREADS ACROSS EUROPE,
WE'VE ALL HAD IT. BURY HER QUICKLY.
PROCEED. PROCEED.
WALK ON.
THANK YOU.
MONSIEUR.
OH, THANK YOU.
KEEP PUMPING, CARSTAIRS.
I THINK WE'RE PRETTY NEAR TAKEOFF.
LET'S HOPE THE PARAFFIN HOLDS OUT.
LET'S HOPE THE KNICKERS HOLD OUT.
WELL, GOODBYE.
THANKS AWFULLY FOR HAVING US.
GOODBYE.
MY CARD.
AU REVOIR.
YOU MUST COME AND STAY WITH US IF YOU EVER COME TO ENGLAND.
GOODBYE.
♪ TAKE ME OUT TO DEAR OLD BLIGHTY ♪
♪ PUT ME ON THE TRAIN TO LONDON TOWN... ♪
FARTY KNICKERS DID THE TRICK.
BYE!
THANK HEAVEN.
NOW LIFE AT CAFE RENE CAN RETURN TO NORMAL.
BYE.
WELL, AS NORMAL AS POSSIBLE.
BYE-BYE.
( theme music playing )