1 00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:06,072 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:23,589 WELCOME TO MY CAFE. 3 00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:27,093 I AM HAPPY TO TELL YOU THAT LIFE HERE IS BACK TO NORMAL. 4 00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:30,096 - ( bang ) - THE TWO ENGLISH AIRMEN WHO WERE HIDING HERE, 5 00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:32,098 HAVE BEEN TAKEN AWAY BY THE RESISTANCE 6 00:00:32,098 --> 00:00:35,101 AND ARE BEING HIDDEN IN A NEARBY NUNNERY. 7 00:00:35,101 --> 00:00:37,103 THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA 8 00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:39,605 WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP, 9 00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:41,608 WHICH I WAS HIDING IN MY CELLAR, 10 00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:44,110 IS NOW IN POSSESSION OF HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO. 11 00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:45,611 ( bang ) 12 00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:49,115 I HAVE BEEN SHOT DEAD, 13 00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:52,618 AND I AM NOW POSING AS MY OWN TWIN BROTHER. 14 00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:55,622 OF COURSE NOBODY KNOWS THIS, 15 00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:58,625 EXCEPT MY WIFE, THE SERVANTS AND MY WIFE'S MOTHER; 16 00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:01,628 - AND THE GERMAN COMMANDANT AND HIS ASSISTANT; - ( bang ) 17 00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:04,631 AND HIS SECRETARY AND MOST OF THE FRENCH RESISTANCE; 18 00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,132 BUT THAT IS ALL. 19 00:01:06,132 --> 00:01:08,134 NOW, THE BANGING THAT YOU CAN HEAR 20 00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:10,136 IS MY DEMENTED WIDOW, 21 00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:12,638 WHO IS IN THE BACK ROOM LOOKING FOR MY WILL, 22 00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:15,141 WHICH LEAVES EVERYTHING THAT I POSSESS TO HER. 23 00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:18,644 I AM NOT WORRIED. SHE CAN BANG ALL DAY. 24 00:01:18,645 --> 00:01:21,648 THE WILL IS SAFELY HIDDEN IN A SECRET COMPARTMENT 25 00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:25,151 BEHIND THE CUCKOO CLOCK WHERE SHE WILL NEVER FIND IT. 26 00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:26,652 GOOD MORNING, RENE. 27 00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:28,154 GOOD MORNING, LIEUTENANT. 28 00:01:28,154 --> 00:01:30,656 THIS IS THE MAN THAT SHOT ME. 29 00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:33,159 HE FANCIES ME LIKE MAD. 30 00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:36,662 PERHAPS IT IS THE APRON? 31 00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:40,667 YOUR CHEEKS ARE A VERY GOOD FRESH COLOR TODAY. 32 00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:44,170 AND YOU HAVE AN IMPISH LOOK IN YOUR EYE-- 33 00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:47,673 ( cuckoo clock goes off ) 34 00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:50,176 WHICH HAS SUDDENLY DISAPPEARED. HOW ABOUT A DRINK? 35 00:01:50,176 --> 00:01:51,677 WHAT A GOOD IDEA. 36 00:01:56,182 --> 00:01:58,684 OPEN THIS DOOR! EDITH, OPEN THE DOOR! 37 00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:00,186 I HAVE FOUND IT! 38 00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:01,687 I HAVE FOUND IT! 39 00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:03,189 SHUT UP! 40 00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:05,691 I HAVE FOUND THE WILL OF MY LATE HUSBAND. 41 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:08,695 THERE IS NO NEED TO MAKE SUCH A SONG AND DANCE ABOUT IT. 42 00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:12,198 GIVE IT TO ME, EDITH. AFTER ALL, I AM THE EXECUTOR. 43 00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:14,200 IT IS NOT ADDRESSED TO YOU. 44 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:15,701 NO, BUT IT WOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING 45 00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:17,203 THAT RENE WOULD WANT HIS BROTHER 46 00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:18,704 AS AN EXECUTOR. 47 00:02:18,705 --> 00:02:21,207 IT HAS GONE WITHOUT SAYING. 48 00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:22,708 GATHER ROUND, EVERYONE, 49 00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:25,712 WHILE I READ TO YOU THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT 50 00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:28,214 OF MY DEAR DEPARTED HUSBAND-- 51 00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:30,716 WHO WAS SHOT BY THE GERMANS. 52 00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:32,719 ORDERS, YOU KNOW? 53 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:36,222 LISTEN, HE LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME. 54 00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:41,728 "I, RENE ARTOIS, BEING OF SOUND MIND--" 55 00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:44,230 I WOULD DISPUTE THAT FOR A START. 56 00:02:44,230 --> 00:02:46,232 "--DO HEREBY LEAVE 57 00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:48,734 ALL OF WHICH I STAND POSSESSED 58 00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:50,236 TO MY DEAR AND FAITHFUL WIFE, 59 00:02:50,236 --> 00:02:54,240 WHO HAS COMFORTED ME AND FILLED ME WITH JOY 60 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,742 DURING THE HAPPY DAYS OF MY MARRIAGE." 61 00:02:56,743 --> 00:03:00,747 I WROTE THAT ON THE HONEYMOON. 62 00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,749 WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PHRASE. 63 00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:06,252 - LOOK, THERE IS SOMETHING WRITTEN ON THE BACK. - AH, NO-- 64 00:03:06,252 --> 00:03:07,753 "P.S., TO YVETTE..." 65 00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:10,757 I CAN HARDLY READ IT. 66 00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:12,759 IT IS AS IF HIS HAND WAS SHAKING. 67 00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:18,264 "TO YVETTE, WHO HAS SERVED SO DEVOTEDLY UNDER ME... 68 00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:24,770 I LEAVE THE COLLAPSIBLE SOFA IN THE PARLOR." 69 00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:28,774 THAT SOFA IS NOT COLLAPSIBLE. 70 00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:31,778 IT IS, UNLESS YOU PUT A BOOK UNDER IT. 71 00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:34,280 "P.P.S., TO MARIA, 72 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,782 I LEAVE THE SMALL BILLIARD TABLE 73 00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:39,285 WHICH HAS GIVEN US BOTH SO MANY MOMENTS OF PLEASURE." 74 00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:42,788 - ( giggles ) - I NEVER SAW YOU PLAYING IN THERE! 75 00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,791 ALWAYS RENE WOULD MAKE ME SHUT THE DOOR, 76 00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:46,793 AND PUT A CHAIR UNDER THE KNOB. 77 00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:49,295 WHAT WERE YOU DOING THAT YOU DID NOT WANT TO BE INTERRUPTED? 78 00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:52,798 WHY ASK ME, I AM DEAD, REMEMBER? 79 00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:57,303 ANYWAY, HE HAS DONE THE RIGHT THING BY ME. 80 00:03:57,303 --> 00:03:59,805 EVERYTHING IS NOW MINE, 81 00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:02,809 TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, TILL DEATH DO ME PART. 82 00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:04,310 HE WAS A GOOD MAN. 83 00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:08,314 THERE WAS SOMETHING... SOFT AND SENSITIVE ABOUT HIM. 84 00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:11,317 ALTHOUGH, LIKE YOU, HE COULD BE A LITTLE DISTANT AT TIMES. 85 00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:12,818 WE ARE A CAUTIOUS FAMILY. 86 00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:15,822 WE WILL DRINK TO HIS MEMORY. 87 00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:20,326 DO NOT POUR TOO MUCH, THAT IS MY BEST COGNAC! 88 00:04:20,326 --> 00:04:21,827 HIS BEST COGNAC. 89 00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:25,331 AND NOW, IT IS MY BEST COGNAC. 90 00:04:27,333 --> 00:04:29,335 TO HIS MEMORY. 91 00:04:29,335 --> 00:04:30,336 Everyone: TO RENE. 92 00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:33,840 OHHH. 93 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,342 IT IS OVER. IT IS DONE. 94 00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:43,349 - ( register rings ) - WHAT ARE YOU UP TO NOW? 95 00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:46,352 I AM GOING TO BUY MYSELF A NEW HAT. 96 00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:48,354 WHY DO YOU WANT A NEW HAT? 97 00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:51,857 YOU MUST REMEMBER I AM A RICH WIDOW, 98 00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:53,860 IN THE PRIME OF MY LIFE. 99 00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:56,863 THIS EVENING MAMMA WILL PROMENADE ME IN THE SQUARE. 100 00:04:56,863 --> 00:05:00,366 SOME HANDSOME MAN WILL GAZE UPON ME IN MY NEW HAT. 101 00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:02,368 "WHO IS THAT?" HE WILL ASK. 102 00:05:02,368 --> 00:05:05,371 "IT IS THE RICH WIDOW ARTOIS," THEY WILL REPLY. 103 00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:09,375 "OH, HOW YOUNG AND SLENDER SHE LOOKS, 104 00:05:09,375 --> 00:05:12,378 I MUST PAY MY RESPECTS TO HER," HE WILL SAY. 105 00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:15,381 AND MAYBE TOMORROW MORNING HE WILL BE AT MY DOOR, 106 00:05:15,381 --> 00:05:17,883 BEARING A BEAUTIFUL BOUQUET 107 00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:19,886 OF SWEET SMELLING ROSES. 108 00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:23,389 PROVIDED HIS GUIDE DOG CAN FIND THE HOUSE. 109 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,830 LIEUTENANT GRUBER. 110 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:33,833 - COLONEL. - IS THAT YOUR ARMORED CAR OUTSIDE? 111 00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:37,336 - DOES IT HAVE A LITTLE DENT IN THE WING? - IT DOES. 112 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:42,842 - THEN YES, IT IS MINE. - THEN PLEASE MOVE IT. YOU'RE IN MY PARKING PLACE. 113 00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:44,343 THE COLONEL LIKES TO PARK UNDER THE TREE. 114 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,846 OTHERWISE HIS SEAT GETS VERY HOT. 115 00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,848 MY APOLOGIES, COLONEL. 116 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:54,353 HANS, WHY ARE YOU SITTING DOWN? 117 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:57,357 BECAUSE MY LEGS ARE RATHER TIRED. 118 00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,860 HANS, I AM A COLONEL, YOU ARE A CAPTAIN. 119 00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:04,363 YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN BEFORE I SIT DOWN. 120 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,367 YOU DO NOT STAND UP BEFORE I STAND UP. 121 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,870 A COLONEL DOES EVERYTHING FIRST. 122 00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,872 I-- I'M SORRY, COLONEL. 123 00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:14,373 WELL THEN, BE MORE CAREFUL! 124 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,876 YOU ARE GETTING VERY SLACK! 125 00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:19,378 NOW, GENTLEMEN, WHAT CAN I GET YOU TO DRINK? 126 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,380 THE COLONEL 127 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,382 WILL BE ORDERING. 128 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,387 TWO COGNACS. 129 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:31,891 - Rene: MARIA, TWO COGNACS. - ON CAPTAIN GEERING'S ACCOUNT. 130 00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:34,894 RENE, WE HAVE ONE OR TWO DELICATE MATTERS TO ATTEND TO. 131 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,399 MARIA AND YVETTE ARE AT YOUR DISPOSAL, COLONEL, 132 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,900 BUT... COULD YOU BOOK EARLY? 133 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,903 BECAUSE FRIDAY IS A VERY BUSY DAY. 134 00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,404 THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT. 135 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,907 BUT MAKE A NOTE OF IT, WE'LL COME BACK TO IT LATER. 136 00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:51,410 NOW, I AM COMMANDANT OF THIS TOWN. 137 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:54,414 I CANNOT CONTINUE TO TURN A BLIND EYE 138 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:57,417 TO YOUR HIDING BRITISH AIRMEN IN YOUR CAFE. 139 00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,919 BUT, COLONEL, YOU ARE TURNING A BLIND EYE 140 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,421 BECAUSE I WAS HIDING YOUR STOLEN PAINTING 141 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,425 OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES IN MY CELLAR. 142 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,926 NOT ANY MORE. 143 00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:09,929 THAT PAINTING IS NOW IN THE HANDS OF HERR FLICK. 144 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:11,931 OF THE GESTAPO. 145 00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:13,933 TOGETHER WITH TWO FORGERIES. 146 00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:16,936 SO YOU NO LONGER HAVE A HOLD OVER ME, RENE. 147 00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:20,940 IF I WANT TO SHOOT YOU, I ONLY HAVE TO SAY THE WORD. 148 00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,942 FIRE. 149 00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:24,944 DO NOT WORRY, COLONEL. 150 00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:26,946 THE BRITISH AIRMEN ARE GONE, FOR GOOD. 151 00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,447 EXCELLENT. 152 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,451 THEN IF YOU WILL TELL ME THE NAMES OF THE RESISTANCE LEADERS. 153 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,453 I WILL SEE THAT YOU ARE PROTECTED. 154 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,455 PROTECTED?! AGAINST WHO? 155 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,457 ME! 156 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,460 BUT COLONEL, I DO NOT KNOW THEIR NAMES. 157 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,462 THEY ARE MOSTLY GIRLS. 158 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,464 THEY WEAR MACKINTOSHES AND... 159 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,466 AND LITTLE SHORT WHITE SOCKS, 160 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,468 AND BERETS LIKE ANY OTHER FRENCH GIRLS. 161 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,970 AND THEY ONLY REVEAL THEMSELVES AT NIGHT. 162 00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:53,472 LIKE ANY OTHER FRENCH GIRLS. 163 00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:57,476 I WISH I COULD GET MY HANDS ON THEM. 164 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,978 WE BOTH DO. 165 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,983 IF YOU DO NOT COOPERATE, I WILL HAVE YOU SHOT! 166 00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:05,985 OH, COLONEL, YOU WOULDN'T?! 167 00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:08,988 HE WOULD! HE DID IT BEFORE. 168 00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:11,991 COLONEL, I DO NOT WISH YOU TO THINK BADLY OF ME, 169 00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:15,494 BUT, I DID TAKE THE PRECAUTION OF WRITING A LETTER 170 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,498 WHICH TELLS HOW YOU HELPED THE RESISTANCE 171 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,999 TO BLOW UP THE RAILWAY LINE; 172 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:23,002 HOW YOU STOLE THAT PAINTING IN THE FIRST PLACE. 173 00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:25,504 NOW, THE LETTER IS SIGNED, BY THE WHOLE VILLAGE, 174 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:28,007 AND THE MOMENT I AM ARRESTED, IT IS TO BE PLACED 175 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:30,009 INTO THE HANDS OF HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO. 176 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:33,012 HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO! YOU WOULDN'T?! 177 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,514 HE WOULD. 178 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:38,017 I THINK IT IS CHECKMATE, HERR COLONEL. 179 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,019 RENE... 180 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:43,022 YOU ARE SMARTER THAN I THOUGHT. 181 00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,523 THANK YOU, COLONEL. 182 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,025 IF I MAY SUGGEST, 183 00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:48,527 WE JUST WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN. 184 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,030 YOU HAVE NO PAINTING, I HAVE NO AIRMEN, 185 00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:53,032 BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, I DO HAVE THE GIRLS. 186 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,536 WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO POINT ONE. 187 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,538 SHALL WE SAY 9:00? 188 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,540 AGREED. 189 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,041 WAIT-- 190 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,542 WITH THE WET CELERY 191 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,545 AND THE FLYING HELMET. 192 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,047 AND... 193 00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:11,050 A GREAT BIG STEAMING PLATE OF SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE 194 00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:13,052 AND THREE FEET OF ELASTIC. 195 00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:17,556 HANS, JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, 196 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:21,060 - WHAT EXACTLY HAVE YOU GOT IN MIND? - WELL, I-- I-- 197 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:22,561 I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE A QUICK SNACK, 198 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:26,065 WHILE MARIA REPAIRS MY LONG WINTER UNDERWEAR. 199 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,101 ( knocks on door ) 200 00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:43,115 - YOU SENT FOR ME, HERR FLICK? - YOU ARE LATE. 201 00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:45,117 GO INTO THE INNER CHAMBER. 202 00:09:50,122 --> 00:09:52,124 STOP! 203 00:09:52,124 --> 00:09:54,126 TAKE OUT YOUR HANDKERCHIEF. 204 00:09:59,131 --> 00:10:01,133 WIPE YOUR LIPS. 205 00:10:04,637 --> 00:10:06,639 REPLACE THE HANDKERCHIEF. 206 00:10:12,144 --> 00:10:13,645 TURN AROUND. 207 00:10:15,147 --> 00:10:16,648 YOU MAY KISS ME. 208 00:10:30,162 --> 00:10:31,663 SIX OUT OF 10. 209 00:10:33,165 --> 00:10:35,167 I KNOCKED OFF FOUR FOR THE GARLIC. 210 00:10:36,168 --> 00:10:38,170 MAY I SIT DOWN? 211 00:10:38,170 --> 00:10:41,173 NO, REMAIN STANDING. 212 00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:43,175 I HAVE A PROBLEM. 213 00:10:43,175 --> 00:10:45,677 DARE I ASK WHAT IT IS? 214 00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:46,679 YES. 215 00:10:50,182 --> 00:10:52,684 I HAVE THREE FALLEN MADONNAS 216 00:10:52,685 --> 00:10:54,687 WITH SIX BIG BOOBIES. 217 00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:58,190 WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? 218 00:10:58,190 --> 00:11:00,692 ONLY ONE OF THEM IS REAL. 219 00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:02,194 ONLY ONE BIG BOOBIE? 220 00:11:02,194 --> 00:11:06,198 ONE PAINTING. 221 00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:08,700 ONE IS A FORGERY COMMISSIONED BY MYSELF; 222 00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:12,705 ONE ARRIVED MYSTERIOUSLY AT MY HEADQUARTERS; 223 00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:14,707 ONE IS GENUINE. 224 00:11:14,707 --> 00:11:18,210 I HID THEM ALL, ROLLED UP IN MY HIGH GESTAPO BOOTS. 225 00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:21,713 A PEASANT TIDIED THE ROOM AND MIXED THEM ALL UP. 226 00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:24,717 NOW I DO NOT KNOW WHICH IS WHICH. 227 00:11:24,717 --> 00:11:26,719 WHY DO YOU NOT SEND FOR THE MAN WHO FORGED THEM? 228 00:11:26,719 --> 00:11:28,721 HE WILL BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY THE REAL ONE. 229 00:11:28,721 --> 00:11:32,224 THAT IS A VERY GOOD IDEA. 230 00:11:32,224 --> 00:11:35,227 UNFORTUNATELY, HE IS NOT AVAILABLE. 231 00:11:35,227 --> 00:11:37,229 WHY NOT? 232 00:11:37,229 --> 00:11:40,232 HE FELL OUT OF A GESTAPO CAR, 233 00:11:40,232 --> 00:11:42,234 OVER A BRIDGE ONTO A RAILWAY LINE, 234 00:11:42,234 --> 00:11:45,237 AND WAS RUN OVER BY THE BERLIN EXPRESS. 235 00:11:45,237 --> 00:11:47,739 IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. 236 00:11:48,741 --> 00:11:50,743 OF COURSE, HERR FLICK. 237 00:11:50,743 --> 00:11:52,244 THE REAL PAINTING I WISH TO RETAIN 238 00:11:52,244 --> 00:11:54,246 TO SELL AFTER THE WAR, 239 00:11:54,246 --> 00:11:56,748 TO PROVIDE FOR US WHEN WE ARE MARRIED. 240 00:11:56,749 --> 00:11:58,751 HERR FLICK, 241 00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:01,754 I THINK I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT I HAVE A FRIEND IN THE ARMY 242 00:12:01,754 --> 00:12:04,256 WITH WHOM I HAVE BEEN CORRESPONDING IN AN EARNEST... 243 00:12:04,256 --> 00:12:06,258 AND MEANINGFUL MANNER. 244 00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:08,260 GIVE ME HIS NAME, 245 00:12:08,260 --> 00:12:09,761 RANK AND NUMBER, 246 00:12:09,762 --> 00:12:11,764 AND HE WILL NOT BE A PROBLEM. 247 00:12:12,765 --> 00:12:14,266 ON SECOND THOUGHTS... 248 00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:16,768 HE DOES NOT HAVE YOUR FORCEFUL, 249 00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:18,270 COMMANDING, 250 00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:21,773 DOMINATING AND RUTHLESS PERSONALITY, 251 00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:24,276 WHICH DRAWS ME TO YOU 252 00:12:24,276 --> 00:12:26,778 LIKE A BEE TO A POT OF JAM. 253 00:12:26,779 --> 00:12:28,781 I WILL PUT THE KETTLE ON. 254 00:12:31,283 --> 00:12:34,286 YOU WILL FIND FOR ME A MAN WITH KNOWLEDGE OF PAINTING, 255 00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:36,788 WHO WILL DECIDE BEYOND ALL DOUBT 256 00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:38,791 WHICH IS THE REAL VAN CLOMP. 257 00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:40,793 YES, HERR FLICK. 258 00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:46,132 MARIA, YOU SHOULD NOT DO THAT 259 00:12:46,132 --> 00:12:47,633 UNLESS I AM HERE TO HOLD YOU. 260 00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,635 YOU COULD SO EASILY FALL. 261 00:12:49,635 --> 00:12:51,637 I ALREADY HAVE. 262 00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:54,640 RENE, I MUST TALK TO YOU. 263 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:57,142 I AM LISTENING WITH ONE EAR. 264 00:12:57,143 --> 00:12:59,145 WE MAY BE OBSERVED. 265 00:12:59,145 --> 00:13:01,647 WE MUST MEET IN PRIVATE. 266 00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:03,148 LET US RENDEZVOUS 267 00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:05,151 IN THE BROOM CLOSET UNDER THE STAIRS. 268 00:13:05,151 --> 00:13:09,155 YOU ARE MAKING THE CURL COME OUT OF MY HAIR. 269 00:13:09,155 --> 00:13:10,156 OH, RENE! 270 00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:12,658 YES, ALL RIGHT, I AGREE, IN 10 MINUTES. 271 00:13:12,658 --> 00:13:15,160 GO NOW, YOUR WIFE IS COMING DOWNSTAIRS. 272 00:13:19,165 --> 00:13:22,168 WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK? 273 00:13:29,175 --> 00:13:32,178 WHY ARE YOU WEARING ON YOUR HEAD A DEAD HEN? 274 00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:37,683 AND WHY ARE YOU TAKING MORE MONEY? 275 00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:39,685 I HAVE TO BUY REFRESHMENTS 276 00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:41,687 FOR MAMMA AND MONSIEUR LECLERC. 277 00:13:41,687 --> 00:13:44,189 AND WHO KNOWS, MAYBE MY SUITOR. 278 00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:47,693 IF YOU GO ON LIKE THIS, YOU WILL SOON BE A POOR WIDOW. 279 00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:51,697 MADAME, I HAVE PLACED THE BATH CHAIR OF YOUR MOTHER 280 00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:53,699 OUTSIDE THE CAFE DOOR. 281 00:13:53,699 --> 00:13:56,201 WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP LIKE THE DINNER OF A DOG? 282 00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:01,707 I, LECLERC, AM TO BE THE PUSHER. 283 00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:04,710 IT IS GOING TO BE LIKE A CIRCUS OUT THERE. 284 00:14:04,710 --> 00:14:07,212 WE'RE GOING TO BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE WHOLE VILLAGE. 285 00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:09,715 FANNY, MY LOVE, ARE YOU READY? 286 00:14:09,715 --> 00:14:11,717 - ( Mamma groans ) - COME ALONG. 287 00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:15,721 WILL NOBODY COME TO MY ASSISTANCE? 288 00:14:21,227 --> 00:14:26,232 THE TEETH HAVE DROPPED OUT OF MY FOX. 289 00:14:26,232 --> 00:14:28,234 IF YOU WANT TO LOOK REALLY SMART, 290 00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:30,236 YOU COULD GIVE IT YOUR SPARE SET. 291 00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:35,241 COME, AH, FANNY, 292 00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:38,244 HOW THE YEARS HAVE FALLEN AWAY. 293 00:14:38,244 --> 00:14:40,746 HOW EVERYTHING HAS FALLEN AWAY. 294 00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:42,748 - DEAR ROGER. - NOW, FANNY. 295 00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:48,754 I REMEMBER HOW DAPPER 296 00:14:48,754 --> 00:14:51,256 AND JAUNTY YOU WERE. 297 00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:54,260 AH, YES. I REMEMBER. 298 00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:58,764 WHAT A PITY YOU ARE SO DECREPIT NOW. 299 00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:02,768 AH, YES. 300 00:15:02,768 --> 00:15:05,270 BUT I CAN STILL TWIRL MY CANE. 301 00:15:06,772 --> 00:15:10,776 A LOT OF GOOD THAT IS GOING TO DO US. 302 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,781 MAMMA, 303 00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:18,283 YOU HAVE NOT MENTIONED MY NEW HAT. 304 00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:21,787 IT LOOKS LIKE A DEAD HEN. 305 00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:26,792 READY? 306 00:15:26,792 --> 00:15:29,294 RICH WIDOW! 307 00:15:29,295 --> 00:15:32,298 GET YOUR RICH WIDOW HERE! 308 00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:34,300 MONSIEUR LECLERC? 309 00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:37,303 I THINK WE SHOULD BE A LITTLE MORE SUBTLE THAN THAT. 310 00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:39,305 AH. 311 00:15:39,305 --> 00:15:41,807 FAIRLY RICH WIDOW! 312 00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:44,810 GET YOUR FAIRLY RICH WIDOW HERE. 313 00:15:46,812 --> 00:15:47,813 MARIA. 314 00:15:47,813 --> 00:15:50,315 RENE, SHUT THE DOOR. 315 00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:53,819 RENE, MY LOVE. 316 00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:57,323 AGH, ARGH. 317 00:15:57,323 --> 00:15:58,824 AARGHH! 318 00:15:58,824 --> 00:16:00,325 - RENE? - HMM? 319 00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:03,329 WHY ARE YOU SO FORMAL AND WITHDRAWN? 320 00:16:03,329 --> 00:16:06,332 I AM IMPALED UPON THE HANDLE OF THE HOOVER. 321 00:16:09,835 --> 00:16:11,336 RENE? 322 00:16:11,337 --> 00:16:13,339 OOH, THAT IS BETTER. 323 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,341 WHAT? 324 00:16:16,342 --> 00:16:19,845 NOW THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER MARRIED TO EDITH, 325 00:16:19,845 --> 00:16:22,848 WILL YOU MAKE GOOD YOUR PROMISE TO ME? 326 00:16:22,848 --> 00:16:26,852 WELL, IT IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD. 327 00:16:27,853 --> 00:16:29,855 YOUR PROMISE TO MARRY ME. 328 00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:31,857 OH! OH, THAT PROMISE. 329 00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:34,359 WELL, IT IS A LITTLE BIT DIFFICULT, YOU SEE, 330 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:35,861 I HAVE LEFT ALL MY MONEY TO MY WIFE. 331 00:16:35,861 --> 00:16:37,863 I CAN GET MONEY FOR US. 332 00:16:37,863 --> 00:16:40,365 MEN PAY ME FOR MY FAVORS. 333 00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:44,370 BUT MARIA, YOU KNOW I HATE QUEUING. 334 00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:46,872 MARIA, YOU MUST BE PATIENT 335 00:16:46,872 --> 00:16:48,373 FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER. 336 00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:50,876 - RENE? - HUH? 337 00:16:50,876 --> 00:16:54,379 PROMISE ME THAT NO OTHER GIRL WILL TAKE MY PLACE. 338 00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:57,383 WITH SUCH DEEP STAIRS, HOW COULD THEY? 339 00:17:02,888 --> 00:17:05,390 YVETTE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 340 00:17:05,391 --> 00:17:07,393 SOMEBODY HAS REMOVED THE BOOK 341 00:17:07,393 --> 00:17:09,395 FROM UNDER THE SOFA IN THE PARLOR. 342 00:17:09,395 --> 00:17:10,396 WHAT? 343 00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:12,398 OH, FRANK HARRIS, 344 00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:14,900 YES, JUST ABOUT THE RIGHT SIZE. 345 00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:16,902 - RENE... - WHAT? 346 00:17:16,902 --> 00:17:19,404 NOW THAT YOU ARE FREE, 347 00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:22,908 WHEN ARE WE GOING TO ANNOUNCE OUR ENGAGEMENT? 348 00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:25,410 DEAR SWEET YVETTE, WE MUST NOT BE TOO HASTY. 349 00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:28,914 I HAVE TO FIND A WAY OF GETTING MY HANDS BACK ON MY MONEY. 350 00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:30,916 YOU COULD POISON YOUR WIFE. 351 00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:34,419 NO, WITH HER COOKING SHE HAS BECOME IMMUNE. 352 00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:36,422 NO, WE WILL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER WAY. 353 00:17:36,422 --> 00:17:38,424 MEANWHILE WE HAVE TO LIE LOW. 354 00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:40,426 AH, ON THE SOFA? 355 00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:42,428 NOT AS LOW AS THAT. 356 00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:44,930 - OH, RENE... - HUH? 357 00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:48,934 PROMISE ME THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME BETWEEN US. 358 00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:50,936 I AM DOING MY BEST. 359 00:17:50,936 --> 00:17:54,439 - OOOH, RENE. - OHHH, YVETTE. 360 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:55,941 CAN YOU FEEL MY LITTLE HEART 361 00:17:55,941 --> 00:17:57,943 POUNDING AND POUNDING? 362 00:17:57,943 --> 00:17:59,945 ( knocks on window ) 363 00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:01,446 I CAN HEAR IT. 364 00:18:02,948 --> 00:18:05,450 - Michelle: RENE? - ( groans ) 365 00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:10,456 IS THE COAST CLEAR? 366 00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:13,459 WE ARE 50 MILES FROM THE COAST. HOW WOULD I KNOW? 367 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,462 SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT HAS JUST COME UP. 368 00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:20,966 HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN OUT THERE? 369 00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:26,972 THE TWO AIRMEN HAVE LEFT THE NUNNERY. 370 00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:29,474 GOOD! NOW, PERHAPS YVETTE AND I 371 00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:31,977 CAN CONTINUE TO DISCUSS THE MENU FOR TONIGHT. 372 00:18:31,977 --> 00:18:34,980 THEY LEFT BECAUSE THE GERMANS CAME TO SEARCH FOR THEM. 373 00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:36,982 THEY ARE ON THE RUN. 374 00:18:36,982 --> 00:18:38,984 THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE. 375 00:18:38,984 --> 00:18:40,986 I DON'T CARE IF I NEVER SEE 376 00:18:40,986 --> 00:18:42,487 THEIR STUPID FACES EVER AGAIN. 377 00:18:42,488 --> 00:18:44,490 - HELLO. - HELLO. 378 00:18:46,492 --> 00:18:48,494 IT IS THE AIRMEN. 379 00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,996 I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN. 380 00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:52,998 DO NOT LET THEM COME IN HERE! 381 00:18:52,998 --> 00:18:55,500 YOU SPEAK THE LANGUAGE. TELL THEM TO GO AWAY. 382 00:18:55,501 --> 00:18:59,004 NOW, LISTEN CHAPS, RENE'S BEEN AWFULLY DECENT, PUTTING YOU UP HERE, 383 00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:01,006 BUT YOU HAVE OUTSTAYED YOUR WELCOME. 384 00:19:01,006 --> 00:19:05,010 WE-- WE-- WE CAN'T WALK AROUND AS NUNS ALL DAY! 385 00:19:05,010 --> 00:19:07,512 THE JERRIES KEEP TRYING TO CHAT US UP. 386 00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:09,014 DIDN'T THEY SUSPECT THE MOUSTACHE? 387 00:19:09,014 --> 00:19:12,517 YOU THINK MINE'S BIG, YOU SHOULD SEE THE MOTHER SUPERIOR'S. 388 00:19:12,518 --> 00:19:14,520 WE'RE NOT GOING BACK TO THE NUNNERY. 389 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,522 FAIRFAX MUCKED UP HIS NEEDLEWORK, 390 00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:18,524 AND WE HAD TO SPEND HOURS SCRUBBING THE STEPS. 391 00:19:18,524 --> 00:19:20,025 LOOK! 392 00:19:22,027 --> 00:19:24,529 WHY IS HE SHOWING YOU HIS KNEES? 393 00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:28,033 HE WAS A SCRUBBER AT THE NUNNERY. 394 00:19:28,033 --> 00:19:30,535 NO WONDER THEY THREW HIM OUT. 395 00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:32,538 WELL, LOOK, TELL THEM TO GO AWAY. 396 00:19:32,538 --> 00:19:36,041 LISTEN TO ME, RENE, YOU ARE A VITAL LINK 397 00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:38,043 IN THE ESCAPE ROUTE FOR BRITISH AIRMEN. 398 00:19:38,043 --> 00:19:39,044 THIS IS A SAFE HOUSE. 399 00:19:39,044 --> 00:19:41,046 NOT FOR ME, IT ISN'T. 400 00:19:41,046 --> 00:19:43,048 LET US COME TO THE CRUNCH. 401 00:19:43,048 --> 00:19:44,549 THE CRUNCH? 402 00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:46,051 THE NITTY-GRITTY. 403 00:19:46,051 --> 00:19:47,552 ARE YOU A COLLABORATOR, 404 00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:49,555 OR ARE YOU WITH THE RESISTANCE? 405 00:19:49,555 --> 00:19:51,557 IS THAT THING LOADED? 406 00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:54,560 I AM DESPERATE. I HAVE ONE UP THE SPOUT. 407 00:19:56,061 --> 00:19:58,563 THAT WOULD MAKE YOU DESPERATE, YES. 408 00:19:58,564 --> 00:19:59,565 WELL? 409 00:19:59,565 --> 00:20:02,568 LOOK, I AM ON YOUR SIDE. 410 00:20:02,568 --> 00:20:05,070 AT THE SAME TIME, I HAVE A BUSINESS TO RUN. 411 00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:08,073 NOW, I CANNOT GO AROUND BEING RUDE TO THE GERMANS. 412 00:20:08,073 --> 00:20:10,075 NOT IN FRONT OF THEIR FACES, ANYWAY. 413 00:20:10,075 --> 00:20:12,077 I WILL PUT OUT MY TONGUE AT THEM, FROM TIME TO TIME, 414 00:20:12,077 --> 00:20:14,079 WHEN THEIR BACKS ARE TURNED. 415 00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:16,081 OR PUT A LITTLE EXTRA SALT IN THEIR SOUP, 416 00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:18,083 BUT WE MUST BE REASONABLE. 417 00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:20,585 ( automobile arrives ) 418 00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:22,588 IT IS THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN. 419 00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:24,590 THE COLONEL IS PARKING UNDER THE TREE. 420 00:20:24,590 --> 00:20:27,092 I THINK THEY ARE COMING IN HERE. 421 00:20:27,092 --> 00:20:30,095 HE MUST NOT SEE THEM! GET THEM OUT THROUGH THE WINDOW, QUICK. 422 00:20:30,095 --> 00:20:32,597 NO, THEY CANNOT GO THAT WAY, THERE'S A DRIVER WITH A GUN. 423 00:20:32,598 --> 00:20:34,600 OH... QUICK, THROUGH HERE. 424 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:38,103 THE COLONEL AND CAPTAIN ARE APPROACHING. 425 00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:39,604 WELL, KEEP THEM BUSY WHILE I THINK 426 00:20:39,605 --> 00:20:43,108 OF A GOOD REASON WHY I'VE GOT TWO NUNS IN MY BACK ROOM. 427 00:20:43,108 --> 00:20:46,111 - THE ORGAN FUND. - THE ORGAN FUND? WITH MY REPUTATION? 428 00:20:46,111 --> 00:20:48,113 GO, GO, KEEP THEM BUSY. 429 00:20:49,615 --> 00:20:51,116 GREETINGS, COLONEL. 430 00:20:51,116 --> 00:20:54,619 IS THERE ANY REFRESHMENT THAT YOU WOULD LIKE, 431 00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:56,622 THAT IS NOT ON A HIGH SHELF? 432 00:20:56,622 --> 00:20:59,124 NO, THANK YOU, MY DEAR. WE HAVE BUSINESS WITH RENE. 433 00:20:59,124 --> 00:21:01,626 - IS HE IN THE BACK ROOM? - NO! 434 00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:03,629 GOOD. WE WISH TO BE PRIVATE. 435 00:21:03,629 --> 00:21:06,131 WE WILL WAIT IN THERE, WHILE YOU FIND HIM. 436 00:21:06,131 --> 00:21:09,134 OH MY GOD! QUICK! GET THEM DOWN. 437 00:21:09,134 --> 00:21:11,636 TAKE THESE, YVETTE, TAKE THESE. 438 00:21:11,637 --> 00:21:15,140 HAND THEM OUT. 439 00:21:15,140 --> 00:21:16,141 STAND BACK. 440 00:21:18,644 --> 00:21:21,647 - WOULDN'T YOU RATHER WAIT IN MY ROOM? - STAND ASIDE. 441 00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:25,651 ♪ AHHH ♪ 442 00:21:25,651 --> 00:21:29,154 ♪ AAA-VE MARRR-III-AAA ♪ 443 00:21:29,154 --> 00:21:34,159 ♪ GRAAA- TIAAA PLENA... ♪ 444 00:21:35,661 --> 00:21:37,663 AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING? 445 00:21:37,663 --> 00:21:39,164 SHH! 446 00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:42,668 RENE IS HAVING A SPECIAL SERVICE 447 00:21:42,668 --> 00:21:44,169 FOR HIS LATE DEPARTED BROTHER. 448 00:21:44,169 --> 00:21:45,670 HE'S NOT DEAD. 449 00:21:45,671 --> 00:21:47,673 THE CHURCH DON'T KNOW THAT! 450 00:21:47,673 --> 00:21:50,175 THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE A BIG ONE, IN THE CATHEDRAL. 451 00:21:50,175 --> 00:21:52,677 BUT THIS WORKED OUT CHEAPER. 452 00:21:52,678 --> 00:21:55,681 Hans: HIS LIPS ARE MUTTERING IN SILENT PRAYER. 453 00:21:55,681 --> 00:21:57,683 IT IS VERY MOVING. 454 00:21:57,683 --> 00:22:00,185 IN THAT CASE, TAKE YOUR HAT OFF. 455 00:22:02,187 --> 00:22:04,689 WHO IS FRANK HARRIS? 456 00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:06,692 HE WAS A PROPHET. 457 00:22:06,692 --> 00:22:08,694 HANS, 458 00:22:08,694 --> 00:22:10,195 GIVE IT TO ME. 459 00:22:19,204 --> 00:22:21,706 I HAD NO IDEA THEY PLAYED LEAPFROG 460 00:22:21,707 --> 00:22:23,208 IN HEAVEN. 461 00:22:23,208 --> 00:22:25,210 - AMEN. - AMEN. 462 00:22:25,210 --> 00:22:27,712 IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO FOR YOU, COLONEL? 463 00:22:27,713 --> 00:22:30,215 HELGA, MY SECRETARY, HAS BEEN INSTRUCTED 464 00:22:30,215 --> 00:22:32,717 TO TAKE LIEUTENANT GRUBER TO GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS. 465 00:22:32,718 --> 00:22:34,720 DOES HE KNOW ANYTHING? 466 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,723 I DO NOT THINK SO, COLONEL, NO. 467 00:22:37,723 --> 00:22:39,725 RENE HAS ALWAYS BEEN VERY CAREFUL 468 00:22:39,725 --> 00:22:42,227 NOT TO DROP ANYTHING IN FRONT OF HIM. 469 00:22:42,227 --> 00:22:44,729 WOULD YOU EXCUSE US, COLONEL? 470 00:22:44,730 --> 00:22:47,232 WE ARE JUST GOING INTO THE FINALE. 471 00:22:49,735 --> 00:22:54,740 ( high pitched voices ) ♪ AAA-VE MARRR-III-AAA... ♪ 472 00:22:56,241 --> 00:22:57,742 I THINK WE SHOULD GO. 473 00:22:57,743 --> 00:23:01,747 I FIND THE PRESENCE OF NUNS VERY UPLIFTING. 474 00:23:01,747 --> 00:23:03,749 WE MUST DEFINITELY GO! 475 00:23:08,820 --> 00:23:11,823 I HAVE DONE PRECISELY AS YOU INSTRUCTED, HERR FLICK. 476 00:23:11,823 --> 00:23:15,326 I SEARCHED THE RECORDS AND DISCOVERED THAT LIEUTENANT GRUBER WAS, 477 00:23:15,327 --> 00:23:17,329 FOR A SHORT WHILE IN CIVILIAN LIFE, 478 00:23:17,329 --> 00:23:19,831 AN ASSISTANT IN AN ART GALLERY IN COLOGNE. 479 00:23:19,831 --> 00:23:24,335 WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER HE WAS A WINDOW DRESSER? 480 00:23:24,336 --> 00:23:25,337 AFTER. 481 00:23:25,337 --> 00:23:27,339 LET US HOPE HE CAN SOLVE MY PROBLEM. 482 00:23:27,339 --> 00:23:28,840 I WILL INTERVIEW HIM. 483 00:23:32,344 --> 00:23:34,346 ( Helga shouts ) BRING HIM IN HERE! 484 00:23:46,858 --> 00:23:48,359 HEIL HITLER. 485 00:23:51,363 --> 00:23:53,865 DO YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE SOLDIER? 486 00:23:53,865 --> 00:23:54,866 NONE. 487 00:23:56,368 --> 00:23:57,869 GO AWAY! 488 00:24:03,875 --> 00:24:07,378 I MUST APOLOGIZE FOR THE MANNER IN WHICH YOU WERE BROUGHT TO MY HEADQUARTERS. 489 00:24:07,379 --> 00:24:09,881 THAT IS QUITE ALL RIGHT. 490 00:24:09,881 --> 00:24:12,383 ACTUALLY, I-- 491 00:24:12,384 --> 00:24:13,385 I RATHER ENJOYED IT. 492 00:24:14,886 --> 00:24:17,388 THAT SOLDIER WHO BROUGHT ME, HE HAS VERY... 493 00:24:17,389 --> 00:24:19,391 BROAD SHOULDERS. 494 00:24:19,391 --> 00:24:21,393 I HAVE MADE INQUIRIES 495 00:24:21,393 --> 00:24:23,395 INTO YOUR BACKGROUND AND INTERESTS. 496 00:24:23,395 --> 00:24:25,897 YOU HAVE, SHALL WE SAY, 497 00:24:25,897 --> 00:24:27,398 ARTISTIC LEANINGS. 498 00:24:27,399 --> 00:24:29,901 IF YOU SAY SO. 499 00:24:30,902 --> 00:24:32,403 I AM GOING TO PUT YOU TO THE TEST. 500 00:24:34,906 --> 00:24:36,407 ( Gruber whimpers ) 501 00:24:39,911 --> 00:24:42,914 HAVE YOU ANY IMMEDIATE REACTIONS TO THESE? 502 00:24:42,914 --> 00:24:45,416 NOTHING WORTH REPORTING. 503 00:24:45,417 --> 00:24:47,419 TRY HARDER. 504 00:24:50,922 --> 00:24:52,423 ARE THEY OF HELGA? 505 00:24:52,424 --> 00:24:56,428 THEY ARE MOST DEFINITELY NOT HELGA! 506 00:24:56,428 --> 00:24:59,431 PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK? 507 00:24:59,431 --> 00:25:01,933 DO I HAVE TO? 508 00:25:01,933 --> 00:25:03,434 MAYBE THIS WILL HELP YOU. 509 00:25:03,435 --> 00:25:05,937 I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT HARDLY NECESSARY. 510 00:25:05,937 --> 00:25:08,439 ONE IS GENUINE, TWO ARE FORGERIES, 511 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:09,941 WHICH IS WHICH? 512 00:25:09,941 --> 00:25:11,442 AH. 513 00:25:13,445 --> 00:25:17,449 THIS IS AN EARLY VAN CLOMP. 514 00:25:17,449 --> 00:25:18,950 HOW DO YOU KNOW? 515 00:25:18,950 --> 00:25:20,952 WHEN HE WAS TALLER, HE SIGNED HIS PAINTINGS FURTHER UP. 516 00:25:23,455 --> 00:25:24,456 AH! 517 00:25:24,456 --> 00:25:25,457 YOU HAVE A CLUE? 518 00:25:25,457 --> 00:25:28,460 YES, THIS IS THE GENUINE PAINTING. 519 00:25:28,460 --> 00:25:29,961 ARE YOU SURE? 520 00:25:29,961 --> 00:25:33,464 THIS IS DEFINITELY THE BRUSHWORK OF THE MASTER. 521 00:25:33,465 --> 00:25:35,967 WHEN HE GOT TO THIS LITTLE BIT HERE, 522 00:25:35,967 --> 00:25:40,471 HE ALWAYS FINISHED OFF WITH A LITTLE CIRCLE AND A DOT. ( smacks ) 523 00:25:41,973 --> 00:25:43,474 EXCELLENT. 524 00:25:43,475 --> 00:25:45,977 NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND 525 00:25:45,977 --> 00:25:48,980 IT IS MOST IMPORTANT THAT YOU TELL NO ONE 526 00:25:48,980 --> 00:25:50,481 WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN. 527 00:25:50,482 --> 00:25:51,983 YOU HAVE MY WORD, HERR FLICK. 528 00:25:51,983 --> 00:25:54,485 THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. SIT IN THAT CHAIR. 529 00:25:54,486 --> 00:25:55,487 ( whimpers ) 530 00:26:07,499 --> 00:26:10,502 WHAT ARE YOU G-- GOING TO DO? 531 00:26:10,502 --> 00:26:13,004 THE GESTAPO HAS WAYS 532 00:26:13,004 --> 00:26:16,007 OF ENSURING SILENCE. 533 00:26:16,007 --> 00:26:19,010 - AAAH... - HELGA? 534 00:26:19,010 --> 00:26:20,511 HE IS READY. 535 00:26:29,020 --> 00:26:31,022 AARGHH! 536 00:26:32,524 --> 00:26:35,026 YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. 537 00:26:35,026 --> 00:26:37,028 YES, HERR FLICK. 538 00:26:47,539 --> 00:26:49,040 WATCH THE BIRDIE. 539 00:26:51,543 --> 00:26:52,544 GOOD, THAT IS ENOUGH, HELGA. 540 00:26:55,046 --> 00:26:57,548 THAT IS ENOUGH, HELGA! 541 00:26:59,050 --> 00:27:00,551 YOU KNOW, OF COURSE, 542 00:27:00,552 --> 00:27:02,554 WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I SENT THIS PICTURE 543 00:27:02,554 --> 00:27:04,055 TO YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER? 544 00:27:04,055 --> 00:27:07,558 I DON'T THINK HE WOULD EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. 545 00:27:12,564 --> 00:27:14,566 HAVE THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN GONE? 546 00:27:14,566 --> 00:27:17,068 OF COURSE THEY HAVE. THEY LEFT OVER AN HOUR AGO. 547 00:27:17,068 --> 00:27:19,570 THEN WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME? 548 00:27:19,571 --> 00:27:22,574 I HAVE BEEN HIDING BEHIND THE CURTAINS HOLDING MY BREATH. 549 00:27:22,574 --> 00:27:24,075 WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN? 550 00:27:24,075 --> 00:27:26,577 DON'T WORRY, WE HAVE HIDDEN THEM. 551 00:27:26,578 --> 00:27:28,580 WE HAVE PUT THEM IN A SECRET PLACE. 552 00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:29,581 SOMEONE IS COMING. 553 00:27:29,581 --> 00:27:32,083 I WILL RECEDE DOWN THE BACK PASSAGE. 554 00:27:35,086 --> 00:27:38,089 GO AWAY! WE ARE NOT OPEN. 555 00:27:38,089 --> 00:27:41,092 Rene: I KNOW THAT. I OWN THE DAMNED PLACE. 556 00:27:44,095 --> 00:27:47,598 COME INSIDE AND STOP MAKING AN EXHIBITION OF YOURSELVES. 557 00:27:49,100 --> 00:27:51,102 OH, WHAT AN AFTERNOON. 558 00:27:51,102 --> 00:27:54,105 OH, MY DEAR, BEAUTIFUL, LITTLE EDITH. 559 00:27:54,105 --> 00:27:57,108 I AM SO PROUD OF HER. 560 00:27:57,108 --> 00:28:00,111 THEY WERE AROUND HER LIKE FLIES. 561 00:28:00,111 --> 00:28:03,114 I EXPECT HER HAT HAD GONE OFF. 562 00:28:03,114 --> 00:28:05,116 NOW QUICK, WE ARE LATE OPENING. 563 00:28:05,116 --> 00:28:09,120 YVETTE, MARIA, TAKE THIS SILLY OLD BAT UPSTAIRS AND PUT HER TO BED. 564 00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:11,622 YOU, LECLERC, TAKE OFF YOUR HAT, PUT ON YOUR APRON 565 00:28:11,623 --> 00:28:14,125 AND WASH THOSE DIRTY GLASSES BEHIND THE BAR. 566 00:28:14,125 --> 00:28:16,127 I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS SO LATE. 567 00:28:16,127 --> 00:28:18,129 OH, WHAT A DAY I HAVE HAD. 568 00:28:18,129 --> 00:28:19,630 SO MANY COMPLIMENTS, 569 00:28:19,631 --> 00:28:21,633 SO MANY RAISED HATS. 570 00:28:21,633 --> 00:28:23,635 PROBABLY THEIR HAIR WAS STANDING ON END. 571 00:28:23,635 --> 00:28:25,637 SEE, SEE, 572 00:28:25,637 --> 00:28:28,139 MANY OF THEM GAVE ME THEIR CARDS. 573 00:28:28,139 --> 00:28:31,142 "SERVIETTES AND CATERING SUPPLIES," 574 00:28:31,142 --> 00:28:32,143 "THE HAT SHOP," 575 00:28:32,143 --> 00:28:34,645 "DYNAROD"?! 576 00:28:35,647 --> 00:28:39,651 TONIGHT I WILL SING AS I HAVE NEVER SUNG BEFORE. 577 00:28:39,651 --> 00:28:42,153 WHAT? IN TUNE? 578 00:28:42,153 --> 00:28:43,654 - MONSIEUR LECLERC? - MADAME. 579 00:28:43,655 --> 00:28:45,156 PLAY FOR ME A FEW CHORDS 580 00:28:45,156 --> 00:28:46,657 WHILE I PRACTICE MY SCALES. 581 00:28:46,658 --> 00:28:49,160 Rene: EDITH, WE HAVE NO TIME FOR SCALES. 582 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:52,163 ALREADY WE ARE FULL OF CUSTOMERS. GOOD EVENING, GENTLEMEN. 583 00:28:52,163 --> 00:28:54,665 MONSIEUR LECLERC, A CHORD IN "C." 584 00:28:55,667 --> 00:28:57,669 - OWWW! - OOOH! 585 00:28:59,170 --> 00:29:00,171 AARGHH! 586 00:29:02,674 --> 00:29:05,176 MADAME, THE PIANO... 587 00:29:05,176 --> 00:29:06,677 IS UP THE CREEK. 588 00:29:06,678 --> 00:29:08,680 OH! IT DID THIS LAST WEEK. 589 00:29:10,181 --> 00:29:11,182 RENE? 590 00:29:11,182 --> 00:29:13,184 THE PIANO HAS GONE WRONG AGAIN. 591 00:29:13,184 --> 00:29:16,687 FIX IT WHILE I SERVE THE CUSTOMERS THE DRINKS. 592 00:29:16,688 --> 00:29:18,189 IT IS THE MICE, 593 00:29:18,189 --> 00:29:20,691 THEY SEEK REFUGE IN THERE WHEN YOU SING. 594 00:29:20,692 --> 00:29:22,694 SOMETIMES THEY GET TRAPPED. 595 00:29:26,698 --> 00:29:29,200 - HELLO. - HELLO. 596 00:29:30,201 --> 00:29:31,202 ARGH! 597 00:29:31,202 --> 00:29:33,704 COLONEL, 598 00:29:33,705 --> 00:29:36,207 CAPTAIN, 599 00:29:36,207 --> 00:29:39,210 HOW NICE THAT YOU SHOULD COME IN TO MY CAFE AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT. 600 00:29:39,210 --> 00:29:41,712 EDITH, GIVE THE COLONEL ONE, WILL YOU? 601 00:29:41,713 --> 00:29:44,215 RENE, I HAVE NOT PRACTICED MY SCALES. 602 00:29:44,215 --> 00:29:46,217 THERE IS NO TIME FOR SCALES, EDITH. 603 00:29:46,217 --> 00:29:48,219 VERY WELL, I WILL GO STRAIGHT INTO MY SONG. 604 00:29:48,219 --> 00:29:50,721 NO! EDITH, YOU MUST NOT SING. 605 00:29:50,722 --> 00:29:53,725 - BUT RENE, WE HAVE NEW CUSTOMERS. - YES, BUT... 606 00:29:53,725 --> 00:29:55,727 DO YOU HAVE ANY REQUESTS, GENTLEMEN? 607 00:29:55,727 --> 00:29:58,229 SING US, EH... "LILI MARLENE." 608 00:29:58,229 --> 00:30:00,731 - OH, MONSIEUR LECLERC. - NO, NO, NO. 609 00:30:00,732 --> 00:30:02,734 "LILI MARLENE." 610 00:30:05,737 --> 00:30:07,238 "LILI MARLENE." 611 00:30:07,238 --> 00:30:08,739 RIGHT-O. 612 00:30:08,740 --> 00:30:10,241 ROGER. 613 00:30:10,241 --> 00:30:12,743 ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR... 614 00:30:12,744 --> 00:30:14,746 Airmen: PLINKY, PLINKY PLONK, PLONK... 615 00:30:16,748 --> 00:30:18,750 PLINKY, PLINKY PLONK, PLONK. 616 00:30:20,251 --> 00:30:22,253 THE CHEESE BOARD, COLONEL? 617 00:30:22,253 --> 00:30:25,256 ( off-key ) ♪ 'TWAS THERE THAT YOU WHISPERED TENDERLY ♪ 618 00:30:25,256 --> 00:30:29,260 ♪ THAT YOU WOULD BE, YOU'D ALWAYS BE ♪ 619 00:30:29,260 --> 00:30:32,263 ♪ MY LILI OF THE LAMPLIGHT. ♪ 620 00:30:32,263 --> 00:30:35,766 ( theme music playing )