( theme music playing )
( French accent ) WE NEED MORE CEMENT. WHERE IS YVETTE?
SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH YOUR WIFE, MIXING IT.
MIX-- NOT FOR ME, I HOPE.
SHE SAID SHE WOULD BRING IT DOWN WHEN IT WAS READY.
( footsteps approaching )
YVETTE, WHY HAVE YOU BEEN SO LONG?
HOW COULD I WALK THROUGH THE CAFE CARRYING A BUCKET OF CEMENT?
IT IS FULL OF GERMAN OFFICERS.
BUT THIS IS MY WIFE'S BEST MIXING BOWL!
WHICH IS WHY I WAS ABLE TO PRETEND
IT WAS FULL OF PASTRY.
WAS NOBODY SUSPICIOUS?
ONE OF THE OFFICERS PUT HIS FINGER IN AND TASTED IT.
MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED?
HE SAID YOUR WIFE'S COOKING WAS GETTING BETTER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I AM HIDING THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP.
ALSO THE PRICELESS CUCKOO CLOCK.
IF THE GESTAPO FIND OUT ABOUT THEM
I WILL BE SHOT!
IF YOUR WIFE FINDS OUT ABOUT YOU AND ME,
YOU'LL BE SHOT.
WE LIVE IN DANGEROUS TIMES.
MARIA!
GO UPSTAIRS AND STAND BY THE DOOR.
IF ANYONE APPROACHES, STAMP YOUR FOOT.
I NEED 10 MINUTES.
JUST TO PUT ONE LITTLE BRICK IN?
THE PATRON KNOWS HIS LIMITATIONS.
HE IS NOT ACQUAINTED WITH THE ART OF LAYING BRICKS.
HE'S CERTAINLY ACQUAINTED WITH THE ART OF LAYING EVERYTHING ELSE.
GO TO YOUR POST!
AH!
RENE, MY LOVE!
YVETTE, MY FLOWER!
- OH! - OH!
YOU ARE THE MOST EXCITING MAN I HAVE EVER KNOWN.
LET ME KISS YOU. LET ME HOLD YOU TIGHT.
NO, NO, MY CABBAGE.
IT IS GETTING HARD AND I MUST GET IT IN IMMEDIATELY.
( knocking )
Edith: RENE, RENE!
IT IS MY WIFE!
RENE.
THERE ARE TWO BLACK HAND MARKS
ON THE BACK OF THE BLOUSE OF YVETTE!
YOU CAME ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE CELLAR
TO TELL ME THAT?
THE HAND MARKS ARE THE SAME SIZE AS YOUR HAND MARKS.
YES, OF COURSE THEY ARE.
WHEN I HEAR YOU APPROACH, I THINK IT IS THE GESTAPO.
SO I WIPE MY HANDS ON YVETTE'S BLOUSE
SO THEY WILL NOT SEE I AM BUILDING A WALL.
YOU THINK OF EVERYTHING.
I HOPE SO!
I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.
MICHELLE IS UPSTAIRS.
MICHELLE?
FROM THE RESISTANCE. I WILL COME AT ONCE.
LAY THIS BRICK.
BUT I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE OF LAYING BRICKS.
JUST PRETEND IT IS A GERMAN OFFICER.
YOU DON'T THINK SHE SUSPECTS US, DO YOU?
NO, NEVER. I LET HER THINK
I AM NOT INTERESTED IN THAT KIND OF THING ANYMORE.
DOES SHE BELIEVE YOU?
SHE HAS TO.
I MAKE HER SLEEP IN THE WARDROBE.
( piano playing )
MICHELLE IS IN THE BACK ROOM.
SHOULD I SING A SONG TO DISTRACT EVERYONE?
NO, WE DON'T WANT TO LOSE ANY MORE CUSTOMERS.
YOU BETTER COME WITH ME.
PST! I WANT YOU IN THE BACK ROOM.
( German accent ) A LITTLE NOTE WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE DISCREET.
NOT YOU! MARIA!
I WAS WONDERING WHY I WASN'T GETTING ANYWHERE.
WHERE IS MICHELLE?
- ( French accent ) I AM HERE! - AH!
PUT THAT AWAY.
IF IT GOES OFF IT COULD MAKE A NOISE,
NOT TO MENTION A HOLE.
WHO IS IN THE CAFE?
SEVEN GERMAN OFFICERS AND TWO SERGEANTS
FROM THE THIRD PANZER GRENADIERS.
THAT IS ALL RIGHT.
WHERE ARE THE TWO BRITISH AIRMEN?
THEY ARE HIDING IN THE ROOM OF MY MOTHER.
AND THE FORGER?
HE IS DISGUISED AS A PIANO PLAYER.
HE PLAYS FOR ME WHEN I SING FOR THE CUSTOMERS.
HE IS A VERY BAD PIANIST
BUT WHEN MY WIFE SINGS NOBODY NOTICES.
THE CUSTOMERS STUFF CHEESE IN THEIR EARS.
GATHER ROUND.
NOW LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.
IN THAT CASE, COULD YOU PLEASE SPEAK SLOWLY?
THERE IS NO TIME.
I HAVE INFORMATION YOU ARE TO BE INTERROGATED BY THE GERMANS.
- WHAT? - WHAT?
IT IS FROM A RELIABLE SOURCE. IT IS GOOD INFORMATION.
FOR ME IT IS THE VERY WORST INFORMATION
I HAVE EVER HEARD!
HAVE THEY BLOWN OUR COVER?
WE HAVE NO COVER, YOU SILLY OLD BAT!
I AM A RESTAURANT OWNER, YOU ARE MY WIFE.
PLEASE DO NOT USE SOPHISTICATED EXPRESSIONS
YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
THEY DON'T SUSPECT THAT WE'RE TRYING TO HIDE
THE BRITISH AIRMEN, DO THEY?
WE DON'T KNOW.
BUT THEY ARE RUTHLESS MEN.
THEY MAY EVEN TAKE YOUR WIFE
AND TORTURE HER IN FRONT OF YOU.
OH, RENE!
DO NOT WORRY,
I WILL TELL THEM NOTHING.
ON THE OTHER HAND, THEY MAY JUST WORK ON YOU
TO DRAG OUT OF YOU EVERYTHING YOU KNOW.
BUT I KNOW VERY LITTLE EXCEPT YOUR NAME,
AND THE FACT THAT WE ARE HIDING A FEW BRITISH AIRMEN.
AND THEN THERE'S THE RADIO UNDER THE BED,
AND THE CODE BOOK.
AND IN THE CELLAR, THE CUCKOO CLOCK
AND THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
YOU SEE, SHE REMEMBERS MUCH MORE THAN I DO.
SHE'S THE ONE THEY SHOULD INTERROGATE.
HERE. TAKE THIS RING.
THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU, BUT I DON'T WEAR JEWELRY.
IT IS HOLLOW!
SO INSIDE IS A PILL.
IF THEY TORTURE YOU,
AND YOU CANNOT STAND THE PAIN,
CRUSH IT BETWEEN YOUR TEETH.
I SEE, IT IS A PAINKILLER.
YOU WILL FEEL NOTHING.
- FOR HOW LONG? - FOREVER.
OH MY GOD,
ALL I WANT IS A QUIET LIFE!
TAKE THAT AND YOU'LL HAVE ONE.
ARE YOU SURE THAT THEY WILL SEND FOR ME?
( phone rings )
HELLO, HELLO.
CAFE RENE. IT IS FOR YOU.
'ALLO?
IT IS COLONEL VON STROHM, WHAT SHALL I SAY?
ACT NORMALLY!
'ALLO, COLONEL.
HOW NICE TO HEAR YOUR VOICE AGAIN.
YOU WISH TO ORDER A TABLE?
NO? WELL--
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO COME TO SEE US AGAIN, COLONEL?
HMM? AH?
YOU WANT ME TO COME AND SEE YOU?
NO, NO. THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT, COLONEL.
YOU SEE I AM A VERY BUSY MAN.
I HAVE THE CAFE, AND THE KITCHEN,
AND MY WIFE...
AND MY BICYCLE HAS GOT A PUNCTURE.
I-- NO!
NO, THERE WILL BE NO NEED TO SEND AN ARMORED CAR, NO.
I WILL BE THERE. YES, BYE.
QUICK, MY WALKING BOOTS AND A HAVERSACK.
AND MAKE SOME SANDWICHES.
BUT THE GERMAN HEADQUARTERS
IS ONLY TWO MINUTES FROM HERE!
YES, BUT I AM HEADING FOR THE COAST.
DO NOT BE A FOOL.
IF YOU DISAPPEAR, THEY WILL TEAR THIS PLACE APART
AND WE WILL ALL BE SHOT.
NO, YOU MUST GO TO THEM, AND BLUFF IT OUT.
I AM RAPIDLY RUNNING OUT OF BLUFF.
( German accent ) HERR COLONEL, HERE, LOOK.
ALL WE NEED IS A PAIR OF PLIERS TO TURN THE TAP,
AND A LENGTH OF RUBBER HOSE TO CONNECT THIS OLD GAS POKER.
THEN WE HAVE A NICE WARM FIRE WHENEVER WE WANT.
WELL DONE, HANS. ORDER THEM RIGHT AWAY.
HERR COLONEL, THERE IS A MAN HERE TO SEE YOU.
IS HE FROM THE GESTAPO?
NO, HE'S FRENCH AND HE'S VERY NERVOUS.
HERR COLONEL, IT COULD BE THE GESTAPO PRETENDING TO BE FRENCH.
YOU ARE RIGHT, HANS, WE MUST BE VERY CAREFUL.
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
MONSIEUR... RENE.
IT'S RENE, FROM THE CAFE. SHOW HIM IN.
THE COLONEL WILL SEE YOU NOW.
OH, COLONEL. WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO BE RECEIVED
IN YOUR WONDERFUL, COMMANDEERED OFFICE.
I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF BRINGING A FEW SIMPLE,
WORTHLESS GIFTS FOR YOU.
A BOTTLE OF CHATEAU LAFFITE '37,
SOME RATHER GOOD CIGARS WHICH I WAS KEEPING UNTIL AFTER THE WAR WAS OVER--
BUT AS YOU ARE DOING SO WELL I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE THEM NOW--
SOME CHEESE, A LITTLE COGNAC--
NAPOLEON OF COURSE--
AND A SMALL BOTTLE OF PERFUME FOR YOUR ASSISTANT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH BUT I DON'T WEAR IT.
NOT YOU! THIS ASSISTANT.
THIS BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG LADY. THIS FINE EXAMPLE
OF GERMAN WOMANHOOD.
OH, THANK YOU.
NOW WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU COLONEL?
WE JUST WANT YOU TO ANSWER A FEW QUESTIONS.
WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE, COLONEL?
- WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE, HANS? - YES, COLONEL.
WE SHALL REQUIRE A PAIR OF PLIERS
AND SOME RUBBER HOSE.
NO, NOT THE PLIERS AND THE RUBBER HOSE!
I WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW.
IT IS SO WE CAN GET THE GAS POKER WORKING.
NOT THE GAS POKER!
I WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING I DON'T KNOW.
SIT DOWN, RENE.
WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM.
I DON'T THINK IT'S AS SERIOUS AS MY PROBLEM.
WE KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN HIDING BRITISH AIRMEN
AND HELPING THEM TO ESCAPE.
I KNOW YOU KNOW THAT COLONEL,
BUT MAY I REMIND YOU THAT ON YOUR BEHALF
I AM ALSO HIDING A VALUABLE OLD PAINTING
WHICH YOU HOPE TO SELL AFTER THE WAR?
ONE ALL.
NOT TO MENTION A PRICELESS CUCKOO CLOCK.
TWO, ONE.
NO HANS, NO SCORE.
BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO HAND THAT PAINTING TO THE GESTAPO.
AND THEN THEY WILL LEAVE US IN PEACE
BECAUSE WE WILL HAND YOU OVER AS WELL.
OH, BUT COLONEL,
THAT PAINTING WAS TO BE YOUR PENSION AFTER THE WAR.
WITH IT YOU COULD HAVE BOUGHT YOUR OWN LITTLE BERCHTESGADEN IN THE MOUNTAINS.
IF YOU HAND IT OVER, YOU WILL HAVE NOTHING.
AND IF YOU HAND ME OVER--
THE CAFE WILL NOT BE THE SAME
WITHOUT JOLLY, JOVIAL, GENEROUS RENE,
THE LIFE AND SOUL OF ANY PARTY.
IT IS VERY SAD, RENE.
BUT THERE IS NO OTHER COURSE OPEN TO US.
BUT WE'VE ENJOYED YOUR HOSPITALITY.
YES, I HAD NOTICED.
WE'VE ALWAYS REGARDED YOU AS A FRIEND.
I LOOK UPON YOU IN THE SAME WAY, COLONEL.
AND THE CAPTAIN...
AND THE YOUNG LADY OUT THERE WITH THE BIG--
WE ALL THINK OF HER AS A FRIEND.
THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD WE WANT IS FOR YOU TO SUFFER
AT THE HANDS OF THE GESTAPO.
YOU ARE MOST CONSIDERATE, COLONEL.
SO I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU THIS RING.
INSIDE IS A PILL.
CRUSH IT BETWEEN YOUR TEETH,
AND IN ONE AND A HALF SECONDS
YOU SHALL BE LIKE A DEAD BEETLE.
I DON'T THINK I SHALL EVER FORGET YOUR KINDNESS, COLONEL.
PERHAPS RENE WOULD LIKE TO GIVE HIS WIFE ONE?
EVEN A FRENCHMAN CANNOT THINK OF THAT SORT OF THING
AT A TIME LIKE THIS.
HERE, TAKE IT.
COLONEL...
A LITTLE IDEA IS RUNNING AROUND IN MY BRAIN.
HOW WOULD IT BE IF WE LET THE GESTAPO
FIND A COPY OF THE PAINTING?
YOU HAVE A COPY OF THE PAINTING?
NO, NO. BUT PERHAPS ONE COULD BE MADE BY...
LET US SAY, A FORGER.
YOU KNOW A FORGER?
IN MY BUSINESS, YOU MEET ALL SORTS.
MIND YOU, HE WOULD WANT PAYING.
HOW MUCH?
MONEY MEANS SO VERY LITTLE IN THESE HARD TIMES,
BUT PERHAPS A BOTTLE OF CHATEAU LAFFITE '37
AND SOME CIGARS AND A LITTLE COGNAC?
WHAT ABOUT THE CHEESE?
YOU MAY KEEP THE CHEESE.
WE COULD USE IT--
TO STUFF IN OUR EARS WHEN HIS WIFE SINGS IN THE CAFE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
NOW IT IS CABARET TIME AT THE CAFE RENE.
AND TONIGHT, TO SING FOR YOU WE HAVE...
MADAME EDITH.
( weak applause )
MY DEAR FRIENDS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR WELCOME.
ARE THERE ANY REQUESTS?
IN THAT CASE, I WILL SING FOR YOU AN OLD FAVORITE
"UNDER THE BRIDGES OF PARIS WITH YOU."
WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME WITH THE CHEESE BOARD? AND HURRY.
( off-key ) ♪ MY DARLING, WHY I SING THIS SONG ♪
♪ IS EASY TO EXPLAIN... ♪
OH YVETTE, IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.
BUT I THOUGHT I WAS NEVER GOING TO GET OUT OF THERE ALIVE.
QUESTION AFTER QUESTION AFTER QUESTION.
ONLY I GAVE NOTHING AWAY.
OH RENE, YOU ARE SO BRAVE.
WHILE YOU WERE THERE I LIT CANDLES.
YOU WERE PRAYING FOR ME?
WE HAD A POWER CUT.
YVETTE, I NEVER THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS AGAIN.
- OH, RENE! - OH, YVETTE!
OH, MY LOVE.
♪ UNDER THE BRIDGES OF PARIS WITH YOU ♪
♪ I'D MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRU-U-UE. ♪
HAS SHE FINISHED?
I MUSTN'T USE GRUYERE AGAIN--
IT HAS TOO MANY HOLES.
GOOD EVENING.
IT'S HERR FLICK.
OF THE GESTAPO?
OF THE GESTAPO!
WOULD YOU LIKE A TABLE?
NOT IN HERE.
I HAVE ORDERED A PRIVATE ROOM.
RENE HAS RESERVED IT FOR YOU, HERR FLICK.
WOULD YOU COME THIS WAY?
YOU HAVE JUST MISSED THE CABARET.
BUT NEVER MIND,
LATER I WILL SING FOR YOU PRIVATELY.
THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY.
THIS IS OUR PRIVATE ROOM, HERR FLICK.
AND THESE ARE THE CANDLESTICKS OF MY MOTHER.
THIS IS ADEQUATE.
I SHALL REQUIRE A BOTTLE OF YOUR BEST WINE AT ONCE.
OF COURSE, HERR FLICK.
YOU, WILL SIT THERE.
YOU'RE SO FORCEFUL AND DOMINATING.
IT'S VERY EXCITING.
GOOD.
BE VERY CAREFUL--
THIS IS OUR LIFE INSURANCE.
BUT MAYBE, ON THE OTHER HAND,
IT COULD BE OUR DEATH WARRANT.
( footsteps approaching )
AH, MONSIEUR LE CLERC, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
IT IS THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
CAN YOU DO ANOTHER ONE?
THREE BIG BOOBIES?
CAN YOU FORGE ANOTHER PICTURE?
AH!
THE SIGNATURE-- YES.
THE PAINTING-- NO.
BUT YOU ARE A FORGER.
YES, BUT NOT OF PAINTINGS.
- MONSIEUR RENE! - WHAT?
OTTO FLICK IS IN THE BACK ROOM, OKAY?
AH! AND ENGLAND WILL BE CALLING YOU IN ONE MINUTE
ON THE RADIO IN THE BEDROOM OF YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.
HOW CLOSE TO DISASTER WE LIVE
IN THIS WORLD OF CLOAK AND DAGGER.
SHALL I HIDE IT AGAIN?
YES, BUT DON'T BRICK IT UP, WE MAY NEED IT LATER.
THE RESISTANCE MAY HAVE A PROPER FORGER.
'ALLO, MAMA.
WHAT IS THE MATTER?
WHY ARE YOU KNOCKING WITH YOUR STICK?
TO MAKE YOU HEAR ME.
ALL DAY I AM ALONE, NO ONE COMES TO SEE ME.
WHAT KIND OF A LIFE IS THIS
FOR YOUR POOR MOTHER?
GAZING AT THE CEILING, AND EATING ONION SOUP.
NOTHING BUT ONION SOUP.
DO NOT LIGHT THE CANDLE TILL I HAVE OPENED THE WINDOW!
SO AT LAST YOU COME TO SEE
YOUR POOR, OLD, FRAIL MOTHER-IN-LAW.
SHUT UP.
HERE IS THE LOUDSPEAKER.
- AND-- - AND--
TO THE SIDE.
AH!
GET THE CODE BOOK.
- WHERE IS IT? - Edith: IN THE WARDROBE.
( British accent ) HELLO!
STAY WHERE YOU ARE. EH?
HERE IT IS.
Male voice: 'Allo, Nighthawk?
Are you receiving me? Over.
'ALLO, 'ALLO. THIS IS NIGHTHAWK,
RECEIVING YOU LOUD AND CRACKERLY.
PASS YOUR MESSAGE, PLEASE.
The baby will arrive a week early.
LOOK IT UP IN THE CODE BOOK.
The baby will arrive a week early.
OH MY DAUGHTER, HEAVEN BE PRAISED.
A GRANDCHILD AT LAST.
YOU OLD FOOL! I HAVE NOT PUT HER IN THE FAMILY WAY.
THEN WHO HAS?
( shouts ) WE ARE JUST LOOKING IT UP IN THE BOOK.
SO MANY STRANGERS, HAVE YOU NO SHAME?
IT MEANS THE BRITISH AIRMEN ARE BEING PICKED UP TONIGHT.
THAT'S A WEEK EARLY,
BUT I'LL BE GLAD TO SEE THE BACK OF THEM.
'ALLO, 'ALLO. YOUR MESSAGE UNDERSTOOD.
OVER AND OUT. AND THINGS.
RENE, LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE--
THE AIRMEN MUST LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
WELL, THEY CANNOT LEAVE BY THE MAIN ENTRANCE.
IT IS BEING WATCHED, AND EVERYONE IS BEING QUESTIONED.
THEN THEY MUST LEAVE BY THE BACK,
THROUGH THE WINDOW OF YOUR OFFICE.
THEY CANNOT GO THAT WAY, HERR FLICK IS HAVING HIS DINNER IN THERE.
THEN THEY MUST LEAVE BY THIS WINDOW.
Edith: WE HAVE NO LADDER!
WE TAKE THE SHEETS FROM THE BED AND TIE THEM TOGETHER.
GOOD IDEA!
HOW CAN YOU TREAT YOUR POOR MOTHER IN THIS MANNER?
IT'S VERY EASY.
AH!
NOW I WANT TO SEE SOME GOOD TIGHT KNOTS.
YES, OF COURSE YOU DO.
NOW MICHELLE, BEFORE I FORGET,
WE HAVE TO MAKE A COPY OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
LET MONSIEUR LE CLERC DO IT.
HE CANNOT PAINT.
NEITHER CAN HE PLAY THE PIANO!
THE CUSTOMERS BLOCK THEIR EARS.
WE HAVE NOBODY,
BUT PERHAPS WE COULD SEND IT TO ENGLAND TO HAVE IT COPIED.
WE COULD SEND IT WITH THE TWO BRITISH AIRMEN.
YVETTE, GO AND GET IT.
WE MUST GET THE BED TO THE WINDOW
AND TIE THE SHEETS TO IT.
( British accent ) COME ON CHAPS, LEND A HAND. BED TO WINDOW.
( British accent ) JOLLY GOOD SHOW.
- MAY ONE ENQUIRE WHY? - YOU'RE GOING OUT THAT WAY.
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE DON'T KNOCK ANY SLATES OFF THE ROOF,
THE GESTAPO ARE DOWNSTAIRS.
ROGER!
AH! OH!
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE FOOD AND EVERYTHING.
DO NOT DISTURB US AGAIN.
NO, HERR FLICK.
HELGA,
I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I HAD AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE
FOR BRINGING YOU HERE.
THIS COMES AS NO SURPRISE TO ME, HERR FLICK.
WE ARE NOT HERE JUST TO EAT AND DRINK.
IT IS VERY EXCITING TO BE WITH A MAN
- WHO KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS. - OF COURSE.
THE WAY YOU ORDERED THE CHOCOLATE MOUSSE
SENT SHIVERS DOWN MY SPINE.
WHY IS IT EVERYBODY IS SO FRIGHTENED OF ME?
DEEP DOWN I'M QUITE A SOFTIE.
DO NOT DESTROY MY ILLUSIONS.
I DID NOT WISH TO BE IN THE GESTAPO, YOU KNOW?
MY GODFATHER, HEINRICH HIMMLER, INSISTED.
I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THIS WINE.
I EXPECT THE PROPRIETOR HAS THE BETTER BOTTLES
HIDDEN IN THE CELLAR.
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THE WINE.
IT HAS MADE ME FEEL VERY WARM, ALL OVER.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
NOW THAT IT HAS HAD A CHANCE TO BREATHE,
IT HAS A VERY MELLOW AFTERTASTE.
HAS HE REACHED THE GROUND YET?
NO...
HE'S CLIMBING BACK!
WHAT FOR?! THE IDIOT.
HERE, I HAVE IT, THE PICTURE.
HOW MUCH LONGER MUST WE SUFFER
THE INDIGNITIES OF THIS WAR?
SHUT UP.
THE DAMN SHEET'S TOO SHORT.
COULDN'T YOU JUMP?
20 FOOT? I'M NOT IN THE PARACHUTE BRIGADE!
- Rene: WHAT'S HAPPENING? - THE SHEETS ARE TOO SHORT!
THEY WILL HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
BUT THEY WILL BE QUESTIONED BY THE GERMANS!
THE GERMANS? ( spits )
DO NOT MENTION THE GERMANS IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER,
IT TAKES SO LONG TO CLEAR UP.
THERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER,
THEY WILL HAVE TO LEAVE DISGUISED AS GERMANS IN GERMAN UNIFORMS.
GERMAN UNIFORMS, SHE SAYS.
WHERE DO WE GET GERMAN UNIFORMS?
CAN YOUR GIRLS NOT HELP US?
WELL...
YVETTE,
DEAR, SWEET, INNOCENT LITTLE YVETTE,
YOU KNOW I WOULD NOT ASK THIS OF YOU NORMALLY,
BUT YOU WILL BE DOING IT FOR FRANCE.
I WILL BE DOING IT FOR 1,000 FRANCS.
WHAT ABOUT MARIA?
SHE'LL DO IT FOR 750.
YOU SEEM TO BE VERY MUCH ON EDGE, HERR FLICK.
I HAVE HAD A HARD DAY.
IT IS NOT EASY BEING HATED BY SO MANY PEOPLE, YOU KNOW.
NOT WHEN YOU ARE AS SENSITIVE AS I AM.
I THINK YOU'RE BEARING UP VERY WELL.
NOT AS WELL AS YOU.
DOES THIS RELAX YOU MORE?
NO.
BUT I AM ENJOYING IT.
YOU ARE ACTUALLY ASKING US TO LEND YOU OUR UNIFORMS?
COLONEL, BELIEVE ME, IT IS THE ONLY WAY
TO GET THE PICTURE TO ENGLAND TO HAVE IT COPIED.
BUT COLONEL, IF THE GESTAPO EVER FOUND OUT
THAT WE HAVE BEEN HELPING BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE,
DO YOU NOT THINK THEY WILL BE CROSS?
IF THEY FIND OUT ABOUT THE STOLEN PAINTING THEY WILL BE CROSS!
LOOK! LOOK.
YOU WILL BE UPSTAIRS WITH THE GIRLS,
AND YOUR UNIFORMS WILL BE QUIETLY STOLEN.
AFTER A BRIEF, BUT VERY ENJOYABLE INTERVAL,
THEY WILL BE RETURNED TO YOU.
NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY, COLONEL?
THE GIRLS ARE WAITING.
WILL THERE BE TIME FOR THE FLYING HELMET
AND THE WET CELERY?
JUST!
I AGREE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, HANS?
I AM THINKING ABOUT MY LITTLE WIFE IN BERLIN.
WHAT ABOUT MARIA AND THE EGG WHISK?
I AM-- OH!
I AM THINKING THAT BERLIN IS A VERY LONG WAY AWAY.
MY WIFE IS ABOUT THE SAME SIZE AS MARIA,
HEIGHT WISE.
IT IS ALL FIXED,
BUT DON'T FORGET THE BOOTS.
BOOTS?
I CHARGE EXTRA FOR BOOTS!
THEIR BOOTS!
GET OUT OF YOUR TOGS, CHAPS.
UNIFORMS WILL BE HERE ANY SECOND.
GOOD SHOW!
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
THEY ARE TAKING OFF THEIR CLOTHES,
READY FOR THEIR DISGUISE.
THEY MUST NOT REMOVE THEIR TROUSERS
IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER.
NO, NO, NO.
IT IS WAR.
I UNDERSTAND.
I SAY!
LOOK AT THE CRUMPETS!
Michelle: GET CRACKING, CHAPS.
DO YOU THINK WE'VE GOT TIME?
NOT THEM, THE CLOTHES.
YOU FRENCH PEOPLE,
YOU HAVE SOME VERY NICE JEWELRY.
THANK YOU.
I HAVE A TRINKET THAT IS MUCH ADMIRED.
REALLY?
MAY I SHOW IT TO YOU?
IF YOU MUST, YES.
AH, YES.
IT HAS A PICTURE INSIDE.
LOOK.
YES, WHAT LOVELY LONG BLOND HAIR.
YES, ISN'T IT?
UNFORTUNATELY, HE HAD TO HAVE IT CUT OFF
WHEN HE JOINED THE ARMY.
PST! PST!
ARE THEY READY?
THEY ARE DRESSED, BUT THEY ARE NOT VERY REALISTIC.
OH MY GOD!
AND THEY'VE FORGOTTEN THE PAINTING.
THE WHAT?
THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.
I SAY, CHAPS, YOU'VE FORGOTTEN THE PICTURE.
NO WE HAVEN'T-- WE TOOK IT OUT OF THE FRAME.
WHERE IS IT NOW?
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, TRY TO LOOK MORE GERMAN.
RIGHT-O!
GOOD NIGHT, GENTLEMEN. COME AGAIN SOON.
GIVE MY LOVE TO THE FUHRER.
HEIL HITLER.
- HEIL HITLER. - HEIL HITLER.
HEIL HITLER!
OH, CHEERIO!
CHEERIO!
- HANS? - HMM?
THERE GO OUR UNIFORMS.
THEY PROMISED THEM BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
THAT WAS 10 MINUTES AGO.
HOW QUICKLY THE WAR PASSES WHEN YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF.
THIS TIME WITH THE GOGGLES!
( laughing )
WOO!
( theme music playing )