1 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:33,261 Hello. This is Cheech. I'm not here right now. 2 00:00:33,435 --> 00:00:37,348 I'm here, but I'm not here. I'm on my way to Amsterdam. 3 00:00:37,522 --> 00:00:40,609 We got invited to a Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton film festival. 4 00:00:40,783 --> 00:00:43,000 So, I'm going to be in Amsterdam for a little while, 5 00:00:43,174 --> 00:00:49,478 so if you need me, when you hear the beep just leave a message. 6 00:00:49,652 --> 00:00:52,130 And PS, if this is Donna... 7 00:00:54,348 --> 00:00:58,652 You can put that wherever you need it, baby. Check you later. 8 00:01:00,217 --> 00:01:03,304 Hey, where are you? I'm at the airport. 9 00:01:03,478 --> 00:01:06,913 The plane's getting ready to leave without us. Come on! 10 00:01:28,696 --> 00:01:31,043 - It's him! - Here they come. 11 00:01:32,652 --> 00:01:35,565 This is the first airport I haven't been searched in. 12 00:01:35,739 --> 00:01:38,609 You don't smuggle stuff into Amsterdam! 13 00:01:39,739 --> 00:01:42,522 - Hello! - Hello, hi! 14 00:01:42,696 --> 00:01:44,565 Thank you very much. 15 00:01:50,217 --> 00:01:52,391 Hello, Mr Burt Reynolds. 16 00:01:52,565 --> 00:01:56,217 On behalf of the Amsterdam International Film Festival, 17 00:01:56,391 --> 00:01:59,565 we heartily welcome you in Amsterdam, Mr Burt Reynolds. 18 00:01:59,739 --> 00:02:02,609 I hope you will have a very happy, and lucky time. 19 00:02:02,783 --> 00:02:06,261 Do you know if Miss Dolly Parton was on the plane? 20 00:02:06,435 --> 00:02:08,261 Was Dolly Parton on the plane? 21 00:02:08,435 --> 00:02:10,565 I didn't see Dolly Parton. Was she on the plane? 22 00:02:10,783 --> 00:02:15,609 I have seen your movies. You are much taller than in real life. 23 00:02:15,783 --> 00:02:19,826 May I say...may I say Burt to you, Mr Reynolds? 24 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,000 What? 25 00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:27,522 Maybe I say Mr Burt or Mr Reynolds. Maybe Burt. Something like that. 26 00:02:27,696 --> 00:02:32,304 - May I say Burt to you, Mr Reynolds? - I'm not Burt Reynolds. 27 00:02:32,478 --> 00:02:36,565 - You are not Burt Reynolds. - No, I'm Cheech, man. 28 00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:38,652 This is Chong. We're Cheech and Chong. 29 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:43,087 Turn around and show him. Cheech and Chong. See right there. 30 00:02:47,261 --> 00:02:53,174 - You are here and... - Listen, man, where's that car? 31 00:02:53,348 --> 00:02:58,348 There is a car outside waiting for Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds. 32 00:02:58,522 --> 00:03:00,826 But you can have the van if you want. 33 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,217 Go outside and there is a van there. 34 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,913 Please, no more autographs, no more pictures. 35 00:03:13,087 --> 00:03:15,174 Thank you, thank you. It's lovely to be here. 36 00:03:15,348 --> 00:03:17,870 Take me to a dyke. Thank you. 37 00:03:18,043 --> 00:03:19,435 There you go. 38 00:03:20,130 --> 00:03:23,609 I've got writer's cramp. Thanks anyway. 39 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,217 Hey, man, I think I'm going to have to finally do it. 40 00:03:27,391 --> 00:03:30,739 - Do what? - Put scars all over my face. 41 00:03:30,913 --> 00:03:34,000 I'm too handsome. This guy thinks I'm Burt Reynolds. 42 00:03:34,174 --> 00:03:37,000 I've got to give the other actors a chance. 43 00:03:37,174 --> 00:03:40,696 I don't think you have to go to all that trouble. 44 00:03:40,870 --> 00:03:45,696 Just grow another big zit like the one you got right there. 45 00:03:45,870 --> 00:03:48,783 Where? I've got one on my nose? 46 00:03:48,957 --> 00:03:51,304 Yeah, a big yellow one. 47 00:03:51,478 --> 00:03:53,174 - Is it big? - Yeah. 48 00:03:53,348 --> 00:03:55,435 Looks like another nose, man. 49 00:03:55,609 --> 00:04:00,261 If you really want to look ugly, leave a bogey hanging off your mustache. 50 00:04:00,435 --> 00:04:03,348 - Is it off? - And if you really want to look uglier... 51 00:04:03,522 --> 00:04:05,652 Man, shut up! 52 00:04:10,130 --> 00:04:13,913 Oh, you are sitting here...because... 53 00:04:15,391 --> 00:04:19,696 ...these places were supposed to be for Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds. 54 00:04:19,870 --> 00:04:22,478 Dolly Parton's supposed to be sitting here? 55 00:04:22,652 --> 00:04:25,174 Let me clear a place for her to sit down. 56 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:29,217 I asked the people to put you in the van... 57 00:04:31,609 --> 00:04:34,391 They just told us to sit here. 58 00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:37,652 They didn't understand well. 59 00:04:37,826 --> 00:04:41,522 You're sure that Burt Reynolds was not on the plane? 60 00:04:41,696 --> 00:04:44,391 He wasn't with us. We flew first class. 61 00:04:44,522 --> 00:04:47,000 Maybe he was sitting back with the peasants. 62 00:04:47,174 --> 00:04:51,957 - You flew first class? - Yeah, thanks for the ticket. 63 00:04:52,130 --> 00:04:56,565 There's a little problem. You didn't get the telegram? 64 00:04:56,739 --> 00:05:00,000 What telegram? You said come over here and party. 65 00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:04,087 You was on the list but there are a little bit financial problems. 66 00:05:04,261 --> 00:05:06,304 You know Mr Patrick? 67 00:05:06,478 --> 00:05:09,957 He's the dude that phoned us up and sent us the tickets. 68 00:05:10,130 --> 00:05:13,000 He's a good dude. Met him at a party. 69 00:05:13,174 --> 00:05:16,304 He's a heavy fan of ours. 70 00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:21,130 He told us, "Come to Amsterdam and let's party." 71 00:05:21,304 --> 00:05:23,609 We've been studying up on partying. 72 00:05:23,783 --> 00:05:27,043 - We got it down pretty good. - We're ready. 73 00:05:27,217 --> 00:05:32,913 To be honest, I asked him to send you a telegram to cancel this trip. 74 00:05:33,087 --> 00:05:35,565 We have a little bit of financial problems. 75 00:05:37,565 --> 00:05:43,174 Mr Patrick, he left with all my money and also my car. 76 00:05:43,348 --> 00:05:47,739 So certainly he will come back one of these days. 77 00:05:47,913 --> 00:05:50,043 Oh, yeah. He'll come back. 78 00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:53,348 We'll help you out. We'll do a show for you. 79 00:05:53,522 --> 00:05:55,652 We haven't worked in four years. 80 00:05:55,826 --> 00:05:57,957 That's OK. I remember all the skits. 81 00:05:58,130 --> 00:06:02,435 - Where's the windmills? - Maybe you can see one on your left. 82 00:06:02,609 --> 00:06:04,739 Where's the chocolate? 83 00:06:04,957 --> 00:06:07,391 You haven't been before in Holland? 84 00:06:07,565 --> 00:06:12,783 What are you doing in America? Radio shows or something like that? 85 00:06:12,957 --> 00:06:15,217 You ever heard of Cheech and Chong? 86 00:06:15,391 --> 00:06:17,957 Where you been? Under a rock? 87 00:06:18,130 --> 00:06:19,261 We make movies. 88 00:06:19,435 --> 00:06:22,913 I have a wonderful movie theater in Amsterdam. 89 00:06:23,087 --> 00:06:25,391 We are having a press conference. 90 00:06:25,565 --> 00:06:28,783 I want to introduce Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds 91 00:06:28,957 --> 00:06:32,913 to people from Holland and from the newspapers. 92 00:06:33,087 --> 00:06:37,087 Where's the party gonna be? ls that where the party is? 93 00:06:37,261 --> 00:06:40,826 Patrick said Sylvia Kristel's gonna be at the party. 94 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,391 - Maybe she is. - You're a Hollander. 95 00:06:44,565 --> 00:06:46,478 I'm a Hollander, yeah. 96 00:06:46,652 --> 00:06:51,783 There are parties, but I had to cancel some because of financial problems. 97 00:06:51,957 --> 00:06:53,783 Maybe we can have one party. 98 00:06:53,957 --> 00:06:57,478 - Where can we score some hash? - What do you mean? 99 00:06:57,652 --> 00:07:01,043 - I've got the address of that dope cafe. - Great. 100 00:07:01,217 --> 00:07:04,000 We have lots of cafés in Amsterdam. 101 00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:07,522 With jetlag you got to smoke dope and it comes out even. 102 00:07:24,174 --> 00:07:26,435 ...Burt Reynolds. 103 00:07:33,565 --> 00:07:36,174 Mr Burt, welcome in Holland. 104 00:07:59,652 --> 00:08:03,696 Mr Dolly, Mr Burt, please follow me. 105 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:09,522 This is our very best, the Saskia van Uylenburgh suite. 106 00:08:09,696 --> 00:08:12,217 Rembrandt's former wife. The best we have. 107 00:08:13,913 --> 00:08:17,522 He we are in our very best. 108 00:08:17,696 --> 00:08:20,261 Amsterdam at your feet. Venice of the north. 109 00:08:20,435 --> 00:08:21,957 Sorry. 110 00:08:22,609 --> 00:08:25,043 The Rye building for the big fairs. 111 00:08:25,217 --> 00:08:27,565 Rijksmuseum. 112 00:08:27,739 --> 00:08:30,174 Vincent Van Gogh museum. 113 00:08:30,348 --> 00:08:33,696 Museum of the history of Amsterdam. 114 00:08:33,870 --> 00:08:36,913 There are a lot of nice sights around here. 115 00:08:37,087 --> 00:08:39,609 Many, Mr Burt, many. 116 00:08:41,043 --> 00:08:43,739 - The Royal Palace. - Oh, Yeah. 117 00:08:43,913 --> 00:08:45,609 The Stedelijk museum. 118 00:08:45,783 --> 00:08:49,261 Xaviera Hollander's house. 119 00:08:49,435 --> 00:08:54,391 Mr Burt, I'm so fond of having you here. 120 00:08:55,652 --> 00:08:59,826 I'm your biggest fan, Mr Burt. You can believe it. 121 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:04,043 Mr Burt, I am your biggest fan. I've seen all your pictures. 122 00:09:04,217 --> 00:09:07,609 Except the last one. I haven't seen the last one. 123 00:09:07,783 --> 00:09:08,826 Neither have l! 124 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,261 Excuse me, Mr Burt, you got any Dutch money? 125 00:09:12,435 --> 00:09:16,043 No, no, no. No, Mr Dolly, you don't have to pay. 126 00:09:16,217 --> 00:09:18,609 It's free, man. 127 00:09:18,783 --> 00:09:22,043 Yes... Uh, no. 128 00:09:24,261 --> 00:09:28,174 I'm sorry. It's not free. You have to sign for it. 129 00:09:29,783 --> 00:09:33,304 - Mr Jan... Jan... - Godefry. 130 00:09:34,522 --> 00:09:38,043 Mr Jan Godefry arranged everything for you. 131 00:09:38,217 --> 00:09:40,478 You just order and sign. 132 00:09:42,130 --> 00:09:43,609 Just sign. 133 00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:48,913 How is Raquel Welch in reality, flesh to flesh? 134 00:09:49,087 --> 00:09:51,652 - She's gonna last forever. - Really? 135 00:09:54,348 --> 00:09:57,304 When there's anything you need... 136 00:09:57,478 --> 00:10:01,696 - I mean anything. - Anything? 137 00:10:01,870 --> 00:10:07,000 Anything! We have some ivory statues. 138 00:10:07,217 --> 00:10:09,435 Oriental statues... 139 00:10:12,217 --> 00:10:15,000 ...from gorgeous delight in the basement. 140 00:10:15,174 --> 00:10:19,304 Those tiny fingers will work you up, slowly, slowly, 141 00:10:19,478 --> 00:10:22,522 to an excitement you've never had before. 142 00:10:22,696 --> 00:10:24,826 - You just sign? - Just sign. 143 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,391 I'm so sorry, I have to take him. 144 00:10:27,565 --> 00:10:30,217 1,001 delights. 145 00:10:31,217 --> 00:10:33,000 Anything you wish. 146 00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:37,000 Mr Burt, Mr Dolly. 147 00:10:37,174 --> 00:10:41,522 Enjoy your stay in Amsterdam... in Holland. 148 00:10:44,261 --> 00:10:46,957 Sign. Anything. 149 00:10:47,087 --> 00:10:48,913 Amsterdamski, man! 150 00:10:49,087 --> 00:10:51,261 All right. 151 00:10:51,435 --> 00:10:52,826 Your luggage. 152 00:10:55,609 --> 00:10:57,087 Hey, man, just sign for it. 153 00:10:57,217 --> 00:10:59,043 - Sign? - Sign for it. 154 00:11:05,391 --> 00:11:06,870 And for you. 155 00:11:09,478 --> 00:11:13,391 - Could you get me one for the doorman? - Of course. 156 00:11:15,130 --> 00:11:16,348 Thank you. 157 00:11:18,304 --> 00:11:19,435 Goodbye. 158 00:11:22,087 --> 00:11:23,957 We made it, man. 159 00:11:24,130 --> 00:11:26,435 I wonder where the toiletskis. 160 00:11:39,870 --> 00:11:44,957 See the size of this bathtub. We could have a couple of friends in. 161 00:11:45,130 --> 00:11:47,217 Still got that little outboard motor? 162 00:11:47,913 --> 00:11:51,130 Wow, look at this. What is this? 163 00:11:51,783 --> 00:11:54,609 Hey, man, help! 164 00:11:56,304 --> 00:11:57,913 What are you doing? 165 00:12:09,826 --> 00:12:15,435 Hello, room service? This is Mr Burt in the Suzi Q suite. 166 00:12:16,913 --> 00:12:18,652 Mr Burt... 167 00:12:18,826 --> 00:12:20,783 You know, Burt and Dolly. 168 00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:23,435 Yeah, that Raquel Welch. She's something. 169 00:12:23,609 --> 00:12:24,913 No, they're real. 170 00:12:25,087 --> 00:12:30,609 You know that caviar you sent up today? It smells fishy. 171 00:12:30,783 --> 00:12:35,783 Yeah and it had all turned black. Someone must have left it out all night. 172 00:12:35,957 --> 00:12:41,261 Can you send up that other caviar? Send up some of that Belgian. 173 00:12:43,261 --> 00:12:48,435 I don't know. A pound? No, make it five pounds. 174 00:12:48,652 --> 00:12:53,043 Whatever you got. Send it right up. We're really hungry. 175 00:12:53,217 --> 00:12:55,435 OK, donkey smell. 176 00:12:55,609 --> 00:13:00,652 All right, the game. That's the new series. 177 00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:17,478 I'm beginning to feel bored. Let's go see the town. 178 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:57,261 Amsterdam. Look at these buds. 179 00:13:57,435 --> 00:13:59,261 Look at this. 180 00:14:00,391 --> 00:14:01,913 They're real! 181 00:14:02,435 --> 00:14:07,826 - Hello. Would you like to eat something? - Yes, please. 182 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,870 - The special today is Indika. - Oh, great. 183 00:14:11,043 --> 00:14:14,913 - Would you like some weed tea? - I'd love some. 184 00:14:16,652 --> 00:14:19,391 Oh, wow, look what they got, man. 185 00:14:20,522 --> 00:14:25,652 - Fresh buds in season with melon. - Look here, filet au cola. 186 00:14:27,261 --> 00:14:31,739 Here's my favorite, seed soup. I wonder if they got pepper with that. 187 00:14:34,043 --> 00:14:39,130 I'll start with the tossed Californian bud salad, then a shake-shake. 188 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,435 What's "Fungus Mungus"? Never mind. Bring it to me, anyway. 189 00:14:44,609 --> 00:14:51,043 For my main course, a Bogart special with everything, including the mold. 190 00:14:51,261 --> 00:14:54,174 Then I'll try the Temple Surprise, too. 191 00:14:54,739 --> 00:14:57,043 Pig out, man. 192 00:14:57,217 --> 00:15:01,348 I'll have the cream of hash and barley soup. 193 00:15:01,478 --> 00:15:03,739 And the fresh buds. 194 00:15:03,913 --> 00:15:07,348 Are they in season? Yeah, OK. And... 195 00:15:07,565 --> 00:15:11,609 For desert, I'll have the space yogurt with chopped cola nuts. 196 00:15:11,739 --> 00:15:14,609 Thank you very much. Put the rush on it. 197 00:16:35,435 --> 00:16:37,826 Do you feel anything? 198 00:16:40,261 --> 00:16:44,304 I'm still hungry, man. Want to order another one? 199 00:16:47,609 --> 00:16:52,565 I will try to explain why the people on the list are not coming. 200 00:16:53,435 --> 00:16:57,478 You sit there, and you can sit... 201 00:17:19,696 --> 00:17:22,652 - Do you have any Aspirin? - I've got half a lude. 202 00:17:22,870 --> 00:17:24,826 My concentration is slipping. 203 00:17:38,043 --> 00:17:40,217 Try to be as nice as possible. 204 00:17:40,391 --> 00:17:43,609 I have to leave because I have to make phone calls 205 00:17:43,783 --> 00:17:47,522 for the plane of Miss Parton and Mr Burton. I'll be right back. 206 00:17:48,870 --> 00:17:52,609 Mr Cheek and Mr Wrong. 207 00:17:52,826 --> 00:17:56,696 I don't understand something. I've been waiting half an hour. 208 00:17:56,913 --> 00:17:59,652 We overslept. We under slept! 209 00:18:00,609 --> 00:18:04,348 - Who are you? - Cheech and Chong. 210 00:18:04,565 --> 00:18:07,304 Cheech like peach. Chong like dong. 211 00:18:07,478 --> 00:18:10,348 Which films are we going to get in the festival? 212 00:18:10,522 --> 00:18:14,870 Why don't you take this for a while? I'm gonna take a nap. 213 00:18:15,870 --> 00:18:19,130 Do you know when Reynolds and Parton are coming? 214 00:18:19,304 --> 00:18:21,261 Uh, yeah... 215 00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:25,913 Dolly Parton's coming and Burt Reynolds and Paul Newman. 216 00:18:26,087 --> 00:18:32,957 Jimi Hendrix is coming and ET, he's a personal friend of mine. 217 00:18:33,130 --> 00:18:36,478 - Who are you? - Cheech and Chong. 218 00:18:36,652 --> 00:18:39,130 We're really big in the States. 219 00:19:10,174 --> 00:19:15,522 I'm really proud to introduce the most famous world actors, 220 00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:18,522 Mr Cheech and Mr Chong. 221 00:19:29,913 --> 00:19:32,565 You may begin your questions now. 222 00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:38,478 Thank you for coming to the Netherlands. We are awfully thrilled. 223 00:19:38,652 --> 00:19:43,522 We can see you now in the flesh. We can say hello to you in person. 224 00:19:43,696 --> 00:19:49,478 My question is why did you organise your first film festival in Amsterdam? 225 00:19:50,217 --> 00:19:52,087 Because. 226 00:20:01,652 --> 00:20:07,609 Mr Cheech and Mr Chong, we are very pleased to have you here and I love you. 227 00:20:09,087 --> 00:20:11,783 I mean, I love all your films. 228 00:20:12,522 --> 00:20:18,261 I've seen them all except the latest one. There was a line outside about three miles. 229 00:20:18,435 --> 00:20:23,217 - So I couldn't get a ticket. - The Cheech shall arrange tickets for you. 230 00:20:28,478 --> 00:20:30,565 - Mr Cheech. - Yes? 231 00:20:30,739 --> 00:20:34,957 We know you made that scar to give all the actors a chance. 232 00:20:35,130 --> 00:20:41,217 But you are even more handsome with the scar on you face. It's great. 233 00:20:41,391 --> 00:20:45,174 What can I do? I try. 234 00:20:46,087 --> 00:20:47,913 We love you! 235 00:20:51,652 --> 00:20:54,652 I owe it all to my director. 236 00:20:54,826 --> 00:20:58,435 I owe it all to my director... 237 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:06,391 Wake up, it's over. Let's get some breakfast. I'm hungry. 238 00:21:06,565 --> 00:21:10,696 Why are you telling those things? I asked you to be nice. 239 00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:14,043 There were a lot of important newspaper men from Holland. 240 00:21:14,217 --> 00:21:16,783 And why did you tell about Paul Newman? 241 00:21:16,957 --> 00:21:19,130 Who invited ET? 242 00:21:19,304 --> 00:21:21,783 - Who invited ET? - Do you think they still have caviar? 243 00:21:31,522 --> 00:21:35,652 - Here you are. - I know exactly what I want. 244 00:21:35,826 --> 00:21:41,130 I want a big plate of "huevos rancheros" with rice and beans, and hot dog tortillas. 245 00:21:41,304 --> 00:21:46,522 - And a little shot of tequila. - I don't understand. 246 00:21:46,696 --> 00:21:51,739 - I'll have coffee and toast. - Make that two. 247 00:21:55,087 --> 00:21:58,739 - I'd like a "muchacha burrito". - Do you want mussels? 248 00:21:58,957 --> 00:22:03,565 - No, just coffee and toast. - Are you sure? That's all? 249 00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:05,652 Thanks a lot. 250 00:22:05,826 --> 00:22:11,043 - Let's get thinking about our show. - We should seriously think about it. 251 00:22:11,217 --> 00:22:15,913 Let's do a skit about parties. Something we know. 252 00:22:16,087 --> 00:22:21,304 We promised that dude a show. We should start thinking about something. 253 00:22:21,478 --> 00:22:27,174 - What do you wanna do? - Something about movies, television. 254 00:22:27,348 --> 00:22:30,826 I was working on a skit. I forgot to tell you. 255 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:35,391 We do a take off on ET except it's like a Chicano version. 256 00:22:35,565 --> 00:22:39,348 It's called, "Eddie Torres, the extra testicle". 257 00:22:41,348 --> 00:22:44,435 It's about this horny guy from east Outer Space. 258 00:22:44,609 --> 00:22:47,261 He lands on earth in a flying saucer. 259 00:22:47,435 --> 00:22:51,087 He pulls up on this chick and she hides him in the closet, cos her parents are out. 260 00:22:51,261 --> 00:22:54,565 And he chases her all around the house. 261 00:22:54,739 --> 00:22:59,130 - How are we gonna do that on stage? - I got a costume. 262 00:22:59,348 --> 00:23:02,609 I had a guy make it up down the street. 263 00:23:03,130 --> 00:23:07,783 ET. Eddie Torres, the extra testicle. 264 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,130 Cool, huh? 265 00:23:10,304 --> 00:23:14,696 Check this out for special effects. Lets go all the way. Big budget. 266 00:23:16,304 --> 00:23:21,435 When the chick comes around, he chases her all over the house. 267 00:23:32,522 --> 00:23:35,130 I guess she doesn't speak Spanish. 268 00:24:14,826 --> 00:24:19,870 Get out of here. I've got something going. Leave me alone. 269 00:24:20,304 --> 00:24:24,957 Get out of here, man. I ain't bullshitting with you... 270 00:24:38,043 --> 00:24:42,870 - Is something wrong? - The door's locked. 271 00:24:44,348 --> 00:24:47,522 I'll help you. 272 00:25:25,261 --> 00:25:29,609 I ain't bullshitting. Get the fuck out of here. 273 00:25:49,174 --> 00:25:51,957 Hey, open the door. 274 00:25:52,304 --> 00:25:54,130 I'm stuck. Open the door. 275 00:25:54,304 --> 00:25:57,261 Open the door! 276 00:26:02,652 --> 00:26:07,130 Get me the fuck out of here, will you? Asshole! 277 00:27:09,826 --> 00:27:14,522 I'm OK. Don't send a ransom. I'm all right. 278 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,130 No more, no more... 279 00:27:39,304 --> 00:27:41,435 No more! 280 00:28:50,696 --> 00:28:54,217 - Let's go eat. - Let's eat at the club. 281 00:28:54,391 --> 00:28:58,217 - Where's the club? - This way. 282 00:28:58,391 --> 00:29:01,391 - Where, this way? - Follow me. 283 00:29:20,478 --> 00:29:23,435 Oh, hey. Donkey smell. 284 00:29:24,696 --> 00:29:30,391 This is great Dutch entertainment - a Czech band and American singers! 285 00:29:30,565 --> 00:29:36,304 - Yes? What would you like to drink? - Champagne. 286 00:29:37,261 --> 00:29:40,739 Champagne. Bring it here and put it on the table. 287 00:29:43,696 --> 00:29:49,435 - This looks like the place we started in. - Yeah, looks a lot like it. 288 00:29:52,739 --> 00:29:57,391 Do you want a cigar? It's a Cuban. You can only get them here. 289 00:30:08,478 --> 00:30:10,696 I'd like to do our act here. 290 00:30:10,870 --> 00:30:16,348 I'd like to do an act with that cigar girl. An unnatural act. 291 00:30:21,696 --> 00:30:27,783 Thank you very much, ladies and gentleman. Merci beaucoup. 292 00:30:27,957 --> 00:30:31,261 We are "Top Flight", a unique American singing group. 293 00:30:31,435 --> 00:30:36,739 If you want to see more, hang around. We will be back with more entertainment. 294 00:30:36,913 --> 00:30:43,826 The Piccadilly Night Club proudly presents, from America, Red Dick. 295 00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:58,261 Thank you very much. Thanks for the clap. 296 00:30:59,304 --> 00:31:05,174 Thanks for the introduction except my name's Red Nick not Red Dick. 297 00:31:06,348 --> 00:31:10,478 That guy must have been peeking in the dressing room. 298 00:31:10,609 --> 00:31:13,043 Thank you very much. 299 00:31:15,435 --> 00:31:22,087 I'm used to singing in the streets. This is the first time I've been up on stage. 300 00:31:22,261 --> 00:31:23,652 Goddamn. 301 00:31:23,826 --> 00:31:29,826 I'm so nervous you couldn't get a pin up my ass with a jackhammer. 302 00:31:29,957 --> 00:31:32,174 Thank y'all. 303 00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:35,261 Oh, here's a joke for you. 304 00:31:35,435 --> 00:31:39,435 Do you know why cowboys have shit in their mustaches? 305 00:31:39,609 --> 00:31:43,304 Looking for love in all the wrong places... 306 00:31:46,609 --> 00:31:50,435 Oh, thank you very much. Thank y'all. 307 00:31:50,609 --> 00:31:55,043 All right. I'd like to sing you a song now. 308 00:31:55,261 --> 00:31:58,217 It's called "First Time I Seen Her". 309 00:31:58,391 --> 00:32:02,217 It's an original song. I wrote it myself. 310 00:32:04,435 --> 00:32:06,130 Thank you very much. 311 00:32:32,130 --> 00:32:34,087 Thank you very much. 312 00:32:41,913 --> 00:32:47,304 It gives me great pleasure to introduce an old buddy. He's a blues singer. 313 00:32:47,478 --> 00:32:50,174 He's been singing with me down in Dam Square. 314 00:32:50,348 --> 00:32:53,000 We've been making a lot of money together. 315 00:32:53,174 --> 00:32:58,087 He's the world's oldest blues singer. He's so old he farts dust. 316 00:32:58,826 --> 00:33:04,130 He's the father of the blues. So let's have a warm how do you do for 317 00:33:04,304 --> 00:33:07,870 Blind Melon Chitlins. Come on. 318 00:33:09,565 --> 00:33:11,435 Blind Melon Chitlins. 319 00:33:22,261 --> 00:33:26,913 Blind Melon Chitlins, the blindest singer in the world. 320 00:33:29,043 --> 00:33:31,217 Sit right down there. 321 00:33:35,783 --> 00:33:40,087 There you go. Just sit downski. 322 00:33:40,783 --> 00:33:42,783 Blind Melon Chitlins. 323 00:33:44,913 --> 00:33:47,217 OK. There you go. 324 00:33:48,783 --> 00:33:55,043 He can't see cos he's blind, but he ain't deaf so let's have a big hand. 325 00:34:44,130 --> 00:34:46,304 Ladies and gentlemen... 326 00:34:48,609 --> 00:34:50,652 Ladies and gentlemen... 327 00:34:52,217 --> 00:34:54,609 Ladies and gentlemen... 328 00:35:01,870 --> 00:35:06,130 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Right now... 329 00:35:06,304 --> 00:35:09,652 My name is Blind Melon Chitlins. 330 00:35:11,826 --> 00:35:17,609 I'm a legend. I'm 1 56 years old. 331 00:35:18,348 --> 00:35:24,652 That's right. I'm 1 56 years old. And I can still get it up. 332 00:35:29,130 --> 00:35:31,217 I just can't get it in. 333 00:35:36,783 --> 00:35:44,043 I want to get down with you all right now and sing a little tune I wrote one day. 334 00:35:44,348 --> 00:35:49,304 It's called, "Going downtown, gonna see my girl". 335 00:35:49,522 --> 00:35:51,957 It goes something like this. 336 00:35:52,130 --> 00:35:53,957 One, two... 337 00:36:26,261 --> 00:36:29,217 You all can dance if you want to. 338 00:36:53,261 --> 00:36:55,957 Yeah, I want to dance a little bit now. 339 00:36:56,130 --> 00:36:58,043 All right. 340 00:37:02,261 --> 00:37:04,304 Blind Melon Chitlins. 341 00:37:10,696 --> 00:37:14,304 It's a good thing these places are open 24 hours. 342 00:37:14,478 --> 00:37:17,174 Everything in this town's open 24 hours. 343 00:37:17,348 --> 00:37:20,478 I waited for that bar to close and it never closed. 344 00:37:20,652 --> 00:37:23,174 I love Amsterdam. 345 00:37:23,348 --> 00:37:27,174 I can't take much more of this partying. I'm wasted. 346 00:37:27,348 --> 00:37:32,957 I hope they got a masseuse here, I need my back worked on. My front too. 347 00:37:52,783 --> 00:37:56,652 - I can't see shit without my glasses. - Come and sit next to me. 348 00:37:56,826 --> 00:38:00,783 I thought of another skit. Queer Worlds. 349 00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:04,043 - Remember queer worlds? - Yes. 350 00:38:04,261 --> 00:38:07,870 - Fags in outer space? - That'll be good. 351 00:38:08,043 --> 00:38:13,652 These two faggots get ready to go to a party, remember? 352 00:38:13,870 --> 00:38:15,565 Queer Worlds. 353 00:38:16,087 --> 00:38:20,043 - What shall I wear to the party tonight? - Wear something exciting. 354 00:38:20,261 --> 00:38:25,174 I know. I'm going to go Peter Allen. 355 00:38:25,609 --> 00:38:31,304 - I don't think so. - Me neither. I'm sick of Carmen Miranda. 356 00:38:32,739 --> 00:38:34,043 Tonight... 357 00:38:36,435 --> 00:38:38,652 I go butch. 358 00:38:41,348 --> 00:38:46,652 - Too Jackson Five. - Yes, you're right. 359 00:38:47,217 --> 00:38:49,087 But... 360 00:38:49,261 --> 00:38:51,870 How about Liza? 361 00:38:55,565 --> 00:38:57,696 Start spreading the ludes 362 00:38:59,565 --> 00:39:02,609 I'm crashing today 363 00:39:03,478 --> 00:39:05,652 I don't think so. 364 00:39:05,826 --> 00:39:07,870 Yes, you're right. 365 00:39:08,043 --> 00:39:12,217 I'm so bored with everything. We have to buy some new clothes. 366 00:39:25,304 --> 00:39:29,783 - That's my cape, take it off. - I'm just trying it on. 367 00:39:29,957 --> 00:39:32,957 - Take it off. - I'm gonna wear it tonight. 368 00:39:33,130 --> 00:39:35,652 You always get stains on my clothes. 369 00:39:35,826 --> 00:39:40,043 - I wanna wear it. - I'm gonna wear it. That is my cape. 370 00:39:40,217 --> 00:39:42,957 - I know it's your cape. - Then take it off. 371 00:39:43,130 --> 00:39:45,261 Have a shit fit, why don't you! 372 00:39:45,435 --> 00:39:48,304 If I don't wear the cape, I'm not going. 373 00:39:48,478 --> 00:39:52,130 - Then don't go. - I won't go. 374 00:39:54,826 --> 00:39:59,783 - There's plenty to wear. - I said I'm not going. 375 00:40:00,261 --> 00:40:06,217 - We have to go. We're imperial guards. - I don't have to go anywhere. 376 00:40:06,435 --> 00:40:11,391 - All right, I'll go by myself. - You'd like that, wouldn't you. 377 00:40:11,565 --> 00:40:14,391 I wonder who's going to be there. 378 00:40:14,609 --> 00:40:18,435 You know damn well. Hans Solo. 379 00:40:19,304 --> 00:40:22,348 Hands so low you can hardly see what they're doing. 380 00:40:22,522 --> 00:40:25,522 I'm going to stay home and pig out on chocolate. 381 00:40:30,478 --> 00:40:32,435 Cheer up. 382 00:40:32,609 --> 00:40:36,957 Are you getting your period again? That's a joke. 383 00:40:37,522 --> 00:40:41,391 - I'm just getting so old. - No you aren't. 384 00:40:41,565 --> 00:40:46,435 - You can see all my wrinkles. - Let's stay home and watch cartoons. 385 00:40:46,609 --> 00:40:48,913 I'll make some popcorn. 386 00:40:57,652 --> 00:41:02,739 - That's not cartoons. - Let's watch it and see what it is. 387 00:41:05,174 --> 00:41:09,304 Welcome to "Con Talk". 388 00:41:10,522 --> 00:41:13,087 I'm your host, Sleepy Gonzales. 389 00:41:13,261 --> 00:41:19,217 We're gonna rap it down to you today to all you little locos out there, 390 00:41:19,391 --> 00:41:23,391 on how to stay out of the slam... and shit like that. 391 00:41:23,565 --> 00:41:29,435 I did time in Folsom, Soledad and Chino, you know? 392 00:41:29,565 --> 00:41:34,478 And this is my guest here, man. This dude's famous, you know? 393 00:41:34,609 --> 00:41:39,913 His name is Joe the Hole Cole. He did 40 years in Q in Quentin. 394 00:41:40,087 --> 00:41:42,826 And 20 years in the hole. 395 00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:47,609 Welcome to the show. Here's a cookie. You don't owe me nothing. 396 00:41:47,783 --> 00:41:51,435 - And I don't owe you nothing. - Thanks, Speedy. 397 00:41:51,609 --> 00:41:53,696 It's Sleepy, man. 398 00:41:53,870 --> 00:41:59,609 Yeah. So...like...the topic for today is gun control. 399 00:41:59,783 --> 00:42:02,217 All right? OK. 400 00:42:02,391 --> 00:42:07,043 I'm against...no I'm for. I'm for gun control! 401 00:42:09,522 --> 00:42:11,826 Guns can fuck you up. 402 00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:15,435 Knives can fuck you up too. 403 00:42:15,609 --> 00:42:20,043 Check it out. I got stabbed 1 3 times in this arm. 404 00:42:20,217 --> 00:42:25,348 In this arm I got... I can't roll up that sleeve. 405 00:42:25,522 --> 00:42:30,565 But I'm still living. And check this out. 406 00:42:30,739 --> 00:42:36,000 I got shot in the side of the head. The bullet's still in there, you know? 407 00:42:36,174 --> 00:42:39,261 And that's why I talk slow. 408 00:42:40,739 --> 00:42:43,565 It has nothing to do with dope. 409 00:42:43,739 --> 00:42:46,957 So now, Joe's gonna rap it down to you. 410 00:42:47,957 --> 00:42:50,435 OK, man. 411 00:42:50,609 --> 00:42:52,826 First of all, Speedy, 412 00:42:53,000 --> 00:42:55,870 I wanna say you're full of shit. 413 00:42:57,783 --> 00:43:01,870 You were full of shit in the joint and you're even more full of shit now. 414 00:43:04,391 --> 00:43:08,261 - Guys like me need guns. - You need guns, man. 415 00:43:08,435 --> 00:43:11,304 That's how I make my living. I rob banks. 416 00:43:11,478 --> 00:43:16,391 Can you see me walking into a bank with a knife saying, "Stick 'em up!" 417 00:43:16,565 --> 00:43:18,652 Yeah, that would be a trip. 418 00:43:19,609 --> 00:43:21,261 Besides... 419 00:43:21,435 --> 00:43:25,261 guns don't kill people, cops kill people. 420 00:43:25,435 --> 00:43:28,522 Right on, I hear you there. 421 00:43:28,652 --> 00:43:33,826 The thing is, you got to be an idiot not to know how to handle a gun. 422 00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:37,652 The first thing you do, you make sure the weapon is not... 423 00:43:48,739 --> 00:43:51,304 Ah, wow, man. 424 00:43:55,522 --> 00:43:57,261 Let it go. 425 00:43:57,435 --> 00:44:01,043 That's all the time we got today on Con Talk. 426 00:44:01,217 --> 00:44:07,174 Join us next week when the topic will be how to score dope in prison, 427 00:44:07,304 --> 00:44:10,174 or how not to...go to prison. 428 00:44:10,348 --> 00:44:13,565 Hey, man, have some coffee. 429 00:44:17,957 --> 00:44:19,652 You all right? 430 00:44:22,087 --> 00:44:26,565 Oh, wow, man! Hey, you're lucky it came out. 431 00:44:27,652 --> 00:44:30,043 Mine's still in there, man. 432 00:44:30,217 --> 00:44:32,261 Hey, far out. 433 00:44:32,435 --> 00:44:35,391 See you next week. 434 00:44:40,783 --> 00:44:45,304 You know what we haven't done yet? A skit on dope. 435 00:44:47,739 --> 00:44:52,217 What we need to do is a take off on a telethon. 436 00:44:52,391 --> 00:44:56,043 You know like Jerry Lewis does. Raise money for kids. 437 00:44:58,435 --> 00:45:01,348 I know, we call it Dope-a-thon. 438 00:45:03,304 --> 00:45:05,435 We have guest hosts. 439 00:45:06,696 --> 00:45:11,522 We raise money for dopers who lost their crops. 440 00:45:11,696 --> 00:45:15,609 - You like that. - I love it. Ooh, my God. 441 00:45:15,783 --> 00:45:20,826 I like it... Dope-a-thon. 442 00:45:29,870 --> 00:45:31,478 Hey! 443 00:45:31,652 --> 00:45:38,348 Welcome to Dope-a-thon '82. I'm your host twisting the night away. 444 00:45:39,652 --> 00:45:46,261 We're here for 36 hours to raise money for dope victims all over the world. 445 00:45:46,435 --> 00:45:50,696 Now, to introduce what this Dope-a-thon '82 is all about 446 00:45:50,870 --> 00:45:55,174 Let's have a big hand for President Ashley Roach Clip! 447 00:45:58,435 --> 00:46:01,043 Welcome, Ashley. 448 00:46:01,609 --> 00:46:07,174 Can you explain to the folks out there, what this dope-a-thon is all about? 449 00:46:09,391 --> 00:46:14,522 We're here because the government's been burning our crops. 450 00:46:15,217 --> 00:46:20,391 They're causing a dope famine all over the world. 451 00:46:21,522 --> 00:46:26,565 - Here's one of the victims of the burning. - Isn't it cute? 452 00:46:26,739 --> 00:46:29,783 It's a pretty sick sight. 453 00:46:29,957 --> 00:46:34,913 We want to raise money to buy some tanks and anti-aircraft guns. 454 00:46:35,087 --> 00:46:36,739 Good idea. 455 00:46:36,913 --> 00:46:40,957 We got to stop this before it gets out of hand. 456 00:46:41,130 --> 00:46:46,217 There's a lot of people who depend on us for their supply of drugs. 457 00:46:47,957 --> 00:46:52,348 This world would probably fall apart if it wasn't for farmers like us 458 00:46:52,522 --> 00:46:55,783 that take time to grow this shit. You know? 459 00:46:55,957 --> 00:47:00,391 That's right. That's why we need your money so send it. 460 00:47:00,565 --> 00:47:05,304 - Where are you from? - Ann Arbor, Michigan. 461 00:47:05,478 --> 00:47:10,174 I was there in the '60s when the universe meant something. 462 00:47:10,348 --> 00:47:15,087 Hi guys out there in Ann Arbor Now we're going to show you a little film. 463 00:47:15,261 --> 00:47:19,391 The studio sent it over. It's the first trailer for their brand new season. 464 00:47:19,609 --> 00:47:23,870 It's "The Harder They Don't Come". Roll the film. 465 00:47:26,435 --> 00:47:29,870 Dope! Dope! 466 00:47:30,043 --> 00:47:32,304 Concert come you got to have dope. 467 00:47:32,478 --> 00:47:34,609 Hashis, brother. Come on, hashish. 468 00:47:34,783 --> 00:47:38,826 Lebanese, home-grown Nigerian... 469 00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:41,043 Moroccan. 470 00:47:42,043 --> 00:47:48,130 Dope! Hey sister, Lebanese, Moroccan hashish. Nigerian. 471 00:47:48,304 --> 00:47:51,957 Home-grown. Come-on sister. I give you some special price. 472 00:47:52,130 --> 00:47:53,478 Dope! 473 00:48:15,174 --> 00:48:19,087 Hey, brother. You want to buy some smoke from me? Special price. 474 00:48:19,261 --> 00:48:23,304 Moroccan, Lebanese, Afghani Nigerian. Home-grown. 475 00:48:23,522 --> 00:48:29,522 I wandered in here by mistake. I was just looking for a drink. 476 00:48:29,696 --> 00:48:31,957 I sure wandered in the wrong place. 477 00:48:32,130 --> 00:48:35,478 You don't want a drink. You want happy smoke. 478 00:48:35,696 --> 00:48:41,130 You call that music? Sounds like jungle warfare. 479 00:48:41,304 --> 00:48:46,957 - That's good reggae. - Sounds like a bunch of jungle music. 480 00:48:47,174 --> 00:48:50,609 - Where you from? - Canada. 481 00:48:50,826 --> 00:48:53,435 Sergeant Preston. 482 00:48:56,913 --> 00:48:59,304 Well, I make you special Canada price. 483 00:48:59,478 --> 00:49:02,913 You buy from me Nigerian, Moroccan, Lebanese home-grown. 484 00:49:03,087 --> 00:49:07,826 - I'm not interested in souvenirs. - I'm not selling souvenirs. 485 00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:10,391 Good happy smoke for good happy music. 486 00:49:10,609 --> 00:49:12,043 Not interested. 487 00:49:12,217 --> 00:49:17,304 How you going to enjoy good music without good marijuana? 488 00:49:17,522 --> 00:49:18,609 What? 489 00:49:18,826 --> 00:49:22,609 How you going to enjoy good music without good marijuana? 490 00:49:22,783 --> 00:49:27,043 Let me get this straight. You're standing here selling marijuana? 491 00:49:27,217 --> 00:49:30,739 Now you got it, brother. Yeah! 492 00:49:30,957 --> 00:49:35,087 - All right, put 'em up. - You don't have to rip me off. 493 00:49:35,304 --> 00:49:38,087 - Police. - You with the police? 494 00:49:38,304 --> 00:49:42,522 I love you, brother. I have all your albums. 495 00:49:46,957 --> 00:49:50,957 Goddamn mop head. Narcotics. 496 00:49:51,174 --> 00:49:56,913 Now get over here. Take off that... What the hell? 497 00:49:57,130 --> 00:50:02,609 Hey, I'm American. I'm from Detroit. 498 00:50:02,826 --> 00:50:06,957 Get over here. Shut up. 499 00:50:07,174 --> 00:50:11,652 I'm over here in the army. These motherfuckers don't pay shit. 500 00:50:11,826 --> 00:50:16,391 My old lady made me do this. She put a gun up to my head. 501 00:50:17,348 --> 00:50:20,391 Have you ever tried arguing with a Dutch bitch? 502 00:50:20,565 --> 00:50:22,609 First, you got to look up to them. 503 00:50:22,783 --> 00:50:26,261 She's been cycling all day. You know she can kick ass. 504 00:50:26,435 --> 00:50:29,609 All I'm doing is selling harmless smoke. 505 00:50:30,739 --> 00:50:35,609 Harmless smoke? Yeah, looks like harmless smoke. 506 00:50:35,826 --> 00:50:41,870 I'm a diabetic. That's just saccharin. You can throw it away. 507 00:50:51,391 --> 00:50:54,652 OK, you got all my dope, give me a break. 508 00:50:54,870 --> 00:50:57,435 You want a break? 509 00:50:57,783 --> 00:51:02,522 Go ahead, make a run for it. I'll give you three. One, two... 510 00:51:05,087 --> 00:51:07,826 It doesn't usually misfire like that. 511 00:51:08,087 --> 00:51:11,783 It probably hit an empty chamber. Let's try that again. 512 00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:16,565 - Oh, please man. - What's the matter, punk? 513 00:51:16,739 --> 00:51:19,870 - Take that gun away from my head. - Shut up. 514 00:51:20,043 --> 00:51:23,391 I just got a penicillin shot, man. 515 00:51:23,565 --> 00:51:28,739 - You're real smart ass, aren't you? - No, just a sore ass. That hurt. 516 00:51:28,913 --> 00:51:32,391 Turn around, sorry ass. I said turn around. 517 00:51:35,870 --> 00:51:41,217 - Hey, give me a break. Let me go. - I told you, get going. Come on, run! 518 00:51:41,391 --> 00:51:45,696 - Take that away from my head. - Got no balls? 519 00:51:45,870 --> 00:51:47,696 No balls? 520 00:51:47,870 --> 00:51:51,826 - Come on. - You got a big mouth, you know that? 521 00:51:52,043 --> 00:51:56,522 - Yes, sir. - Turn around. On your knees, big mouth. 522 00:51:56,652 --> 00:52:02,174 - I said, on your knees, big mouth. - Yes, sir. 523 00:52:03,391 --> 00:52:06,913 Come on over here. Get over here. 524 00:52:10,435 --> 00:52:16,000 - You know what I want you to do? - Oh, fuck that, man! 525 00:52:16,174 --> 00:52:19,348 Shut up, punk. 526 00:52:22,304 --> 00:52:25,000 I want you to start praying. 527 00:52:25,870 --> 00:52:27,391 Pray! 528 00:52:27,565 --> 00:52:32,739 Oh, Lord. Thanks for this meal we are about to receive... 529 00:52:35,435 --> 00:52:38,565 - On your feet, punk. - Come on, man. 530 00:52:38,739 --> 00:52:42,435 - You think God's funny? - I wasn't making fun of God. 531 00:52:43,696 --> 00:52:46,565 You son of a bitch... 532 00:52:52,435 --> 00:52:54,261 All right... 533 00:52:56,957 --> 00:53:01,261 All right, give me the gun. Come on, give me the gun. 534 00:53:02,696 --> 00:53:07,522 You're in enough trouble already. Don't make it worse. 535 00:53:10,174 --> 00:53:14,826 You're high on drugs, I can see that. Listen, son, don't make it worse. 536 00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:18,826 I tell you what. Give me the gun, you can go. 537 00:53:19,174 --> 00:53:22,087 Don't do that. That's got a hair trigger. 538 00:53:22,261 --> 00:53:27,217 It could go off at any time. I got a wife and kid. 539 00:53:27,391 --> 00:53:30,913 How would you like a new asshole too? 540 00:53:31,174 --> 00:53:35,435 Don't do that, please. I'm not even a cop, OK. 541 00:53:35,609 --> 00:53:41,870 I'm a security guard at Woolworth's. I'm on vacation for Christ's sake. 542 00:53:42,043 --> 00:53:45,522 Don't do that. Please. 543 00:53:46,696 --> 00:53:51,217 Hey, I like you people, honest to God. I really do. 544 00:53:51,391 --> 00:53:56,261 - Get down on your knees. - Yes, sir. 545 00:53:56,435 --> 00:54:00,130 You know what I want you to do, don't you? 546 00:54:01,348 --> 00:54:04,348 And it ain't praying, cop. 547 00:54:13,826 --> 00:54:18,043 We're back. Dope-a-thon '82 and we're still rolling. 548 00:54:18,174 --> 00:54:22,913 Keep that phone line hot. We need your money and your pledges. 549 00:54:23,087 --> 00:54:27,087 We have a very special guest who's dropped by the studio. 550 00:54:27,261 --> 00:54:32,652 Let's welcome three-time US Open International Masturbation Champion, 551 00:54:32,826 --> 00:54:34,565 Hairy Palms. 552 00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:40,435 Hairy Palms, give him a big, warm welcome. 553 00:54:40,652 --> 00:54:46,696 Hairy, glad to have you on the show. Fantastic. Nice of you to come by. 554 00:54:50,826 --> 00:54:53,826 That's quite a grip you have there, Hairy. 555 00:54:54,043 --> 00:54:58,217 You're a graduate of St Agnes All Boys Catholic High School, right? 556 00:54:58,391 --> 00:55:01,130 And you've just come back from Russia 557 00:55:01,304 --> 00:55:05,000 where you competed in the Giant Jerk World Championships. 558 00:55:05,174 --> 00:55:08,087 And you came in first and third this year. 559 00:55:08,261 --> 00:55:13,000 Fantastic. Whoo! Get a hold of yourself, we're on TV. 560 00:55:16,087 --> 00:55:18,304 Hmm, good for the skin. 561 00:55:18,478 --> 00:55:24,130 So, anyway, you've been an innovator in the field of thumpology. 562 00:55:24,304 --> 00:55:30,391 You've introduced "speed shifting", "around the hump" the "white knuckler", 563 00:55:30,609 --> 00:55:34,696 and this year you introduced a brand new hold. What is it? 564 00:55:34,870 --> 00:55:39,174 I just grab it in both hands and beat it against my forehead. 565 00:55:39,348 --> 00:55:43,478 Fantastic. That's using your head. 566 00:55:43,696 --> 00:55:50,043 - Where do you go from here? - Back to the hotel room to practice. 567 00:55:50,217 --> 00:55:54,174 Always practicing. What's your next competition? 568 00:55:54,348 --> 00:55:58,435 Next, I go to Hong Kong for the Fist Fury Tournament. 569 00:55:58,609 --> 00:56:04,130 Good luck, cos we know you'll be in there pulling for us. Hairy Palms. 570 00:56:06,609 --> 00:56:09,870 You know what we haven't done for years? 571 00:56:10,043 --> 00:56:13,130 Remember Bruno Hakalugi, the Italian wrestler? 572 00:56:13,304 --> 00:56:17,000 Remember where Bruno meets the Invisible Man? 573 00:56:17,217 --> 00:56:20,261 Why don't we do it where you play the samurai warrior? 574 00:56:20,478 --> 00:56:25,000 I'll be Bruno Hakalugi, and we'll do the wrestling skit. 575 00:56:25,174 --> 00:56:28,000 I used to love that skit. 576 00:56:30,435 --> 00:56:37,609 Welcome to championship wrestling. I'm your host, Jerry Dumphy. 577 00:56:37,783 --> 00:56:41,913 With me tonight is three-time World Heavyweight Champion, Mike McGraw. 578 00:56:42,087 --> 00:56:46,174 - Welcome to the show, Iron Mike. - Thank you, Jerry. 579 00:56:46,348 --> 00:56:52,739 We have an excellent card on top for you tonight between the Italian Bruno Hakalugi 580 00:56:52,957 --> 00:56:57,000 and his team partner, Japanese Itchy Scratchy. 581 00:56:57,174 --> 00:57:04,391 - How do the boys look for you, Iron Mike? - The Italian looks pretty good. 582 00:57:04,609 --> 00:57:07,652 The Jap looks good. They both look good. 583 00:57:07,826 --> 00:57:12,043 Their opponent tonight is none other than the world famous champion from nowhere. 584 00:57:12,261 --> 00:57:17,739 The Invisible Man. What do you think of him, Iron Mike? 585 00:57:17,913 --> 00:57:22,957 Well, I haven't seen too much of him lately. In fact, no one has. 586 00:57:23,130 --> 00:57:27,913 Cos he's invisible. But I think it's going to be a good match. 587 00:57:29,826 --> 00:57:34,087 Hakalugi and Itchy Scratchy are certainly showing him no respect. 588 00:57:34,304 --> 00:57:37,087 They're not showing him any respect at all. 589 00:57:37,261 --> 00:57:40,609 But I don't think the Invisible Man is scared of them either. 590 00:57:40,739 --> 00:57:45,435 They're deciding who is going to go in the ring first. 591 00:57:45,609 --> 00:57:51,696 Yeah, they're deciding who is going to go in the ring first. 592 00:57:51,870 --> 00:57:55,522 They're having quite a discussion. I can't understand what they're saying. 593 00:57:55,696 --> 00:57:58,565 The Invisible Man is ready. 594 00:58:01,217 --> 00:58:04,130 I think it's going to be the Italian. 595 00:58:07,174 --> 00:58:10,217 There goes the bell. Here we go. 596 00:58:10,391 --> 00:58:17,391 It's no holds barred Texas-rules, no referee and no pay check for the loser. 597 00:58:17,565 --> 00:58:20,826 And he gets hits by a shot out of nowhere. 598 00:58:21,000 --> 00:58:26,304 And another shot out of nowhere. He's down already. Quite a mess. 599 00:58:26,478 --> 00:58:31,087 - Looks like the Italian's in trouble. - Got him in a lock. 600 00:58:49,913 --> 00:58:55,391 And now he's got the Japanese guy. Itchy Scratchy into the ring. 601 00:58:56,652 --> 00:59:00,391 He's looking around. Looking for a sneak attack. 602 00:59:04,696 --> 00:59:09,174 And he's hit his rim. And another rim shot. 603 00:59:09,348 --> 00:59:13,913 That's illegal, but there's no referee so it doesn't matter. 604 00:59:27,522 --> 00:59:31,435 He bit him. That's good wrestling. Biting is allowed. 605 00:59:31,652 --> 00:59:33,652 Another rim shot. 606 00:59:46,000 --> 00:59:50,087 Here comes Bruno Hakalugi into the ring. What is he doing? 607 00:59:50,304 --> 00:59:53,217 He's probably digging for crabs. 608 00:59:53,391 --> 00:59:59,087 He's eating garlic. He's going to give him a garlic blowjob. 609 00:59:59,217 --> 01:00:04,870 The Japanese is down. And now the knee drop! 610 01:00:14,565 --> 01:00:18,261 And into the corner. Hard to get out this. 611 01:00:18,478 --> 01:00:23,043 - That's pretty tough on the back. - That's right, Iron Mike. 612 01:00:23,217 --> 01:00:29,130 - Look at that one. - He's got him in the "got ya". 613 01:00:29,304 --> 01:00:34,652 He's got his hands full now. He's really stretching. 614 01:00:35,739 --> 01:00:40,783 He's slipped out. Must be the grease on his hands. 615 01:00:40,957 --> 01:00:44,565 And he gives him another stretch. And another stretch. 616 01:00:44,739 --> 01:00:50,043 And over his shoulder for the Volga boatman, marching to Moscow. 617 01:00:59,609 --> 01:01:04,696 He's down now. Couldn't see where he was going. 618 01:01:04,870 --> 01:01:08,957 - You can't see invisible balls. - That's right. 619 01:01:29,913 --> 01:01:36,957 - He's got him in the bass, man! - That's not orthodox wrestling. 620 01:01:37,130 --> 01:01:43,435 He we go into double Dutch. Listen to them hit the ground. 621 01:01:48,391 --> 01:01:51,696 I'd say the Invisible Man's in a lot of trouble. 622 01:01:51,870 --> 01:01:56,652 - He looks pretty tied up. - I bet he can get out of it. 623 01:01:59,174 --> 01:02:04,043 Hakalugi is going to make a four-corner run. 624 01:02:04,957 --> 01:02:10,739 That really hurts, let me tell you. It happened to me once. 625 01:02:14,609 --> 01:02:20,304 Hakalugi is down. Itchy Scratchy too. And the Invisible Man wins. 626 01:02:20,478 --> 01:02:25,043 Those balls are pretty dangerous when they're flapping around. 627 01:02:44,435 --> 01:02:46,913 Hey, Cheech! 628 01:02:47,130 --> 01:02:49,174 How can you stay in there that long? 629 01:02:49,348 --> 01:02:53,217 You know one skit we got to do? Alice Bowie in a sex club. 630 01:03:32,348 --> 01:03:35,870 I am absolutely ruined. 631 01:03:36,000 --> 01:03:42,826 I just got a phone call. Burt Reynolds is definitely not coming. 632 01:03:43,000 --> 01:03:48,957 He is in Florida. And Miss Dolly Parton is in hospital. 633 01:03:50,304 --> 01:03:53,565 They're not coming? Definite, for sure? 634 01:03:53,739 --> 01:03:57,304 - They phoned me. - That's too bad. 635 01:03:57,478 --> 01:04:01,391 That's OK. Who needs Burt Reynolds? 636 01:04:02,348 --> 01:04:08,000 We're here. What have you got to worry about? We'll do a great show. 637 01:04:08,174 --> 01:04:11,913 Don't worry about Burt Reynolds or Dolly Parton. 638 01:04:12,087 --> 01:04:15,609 I lost my reputation. I have no money. 639 01:04:15,783 --> 01:04:20,217 - Who needs material possessions? - Real tears. 640 01:04:20,391 --> 01:04:23,870 Hey, man. Come on. Take it easy. 641 01:04:24,043 --> 01:04:27,261 Dry your eyes, man. I hate to see a grown man cry. 642 01:04:27,435 --> 01:04:34,391 Take it easy. All this worry about money will make you grow old before your time. 643 01:04:34,565 --> 01:04:37,174 I cannot go round in Amsterdam now. 644 01:04:37,348 --> 01:04:43,348 Don't worry. We're gonna do a great show. People will be screaming and cheering. 645 01:04:43,522 --> 01:04:46,304 It'll be all right, man. 646 01:04:46,478 --> 01:04:51,130 Stop him, he's gonna jump! Stop him... I gotta reload. 647 01:04:51,391 --> 01:04:54,913 Hey! Come on. Let go. 648 01:04:55,087 --> 01:04:58,000 Let go. Come on, man. 649 01:05:00,609 --> 01:05:02,826 OK. Let him go. 650 01:05:04,000 --> 01:05:07,304 Look how far down it is. 651 01:05:10,696 --> 01:05:12,130 You don't want to jump. 652 01:05:12,304 --> 01:05:16,696 Come on. You'll end up like spaghetti. We'll have to scrape you up. 653 01:05:16,870 --> 01:05:19,609 You've got nothing to worry about. 654 01:05:19,783 --> 01:05:24,261 My son is nine. My daughter is only... 655 01:05:24,435 --> 01:05:29,565 Steven Spielberg is a personal friend of mine. I'll give him a call. 656 01:05:29,739 --> 01:05:33,304 We have lunch at "I Love Sushi" in Malibu all the time. 657 01:05:33,478 --> 01:05:38,565 We'll have ET over here. You'll be a big success. Don't worry. 658 01:05:38,739 --> 01:05:42,739 Have a watch. That looks good on you. 659 01:05:44,565 --> 01:05:48,391 - That looks slick. - You want to give me your watch? 660 01:05:48,565 --> 01:05:51,696 Here's one for your old lady too. She likes that? 661 01:05:51,870 --> 01:05:54,696 That's for my mother? 662 01:05:54,870 --> 01:05:57,130 I really appreciate it. 663 01:05:57,304 --> 01:06:00,043 - Thank you. - Don't worry about nothing. 664 01:06:00,217 --> 01:06:04,391 Just show up at the theater. You'll see something you never saw before. 665 01:06:04,565 --> 01:06:07,696 It'll be great. Don't worry about nothing. 666 01:06:07,870 --> 01:06:13,652 - But I have to think of my reputation. - Don't worry about that. 667 01:06:13,783 --> 01:06:16,913 - It'll be cool in Amsterdam. - Thank you for the watches. 668 01:06:17,087 --> 01:06:23,478 Don't worry. Everything will be cool. Go home and take a lude or something. 669 01:06:23,652 --> 01:06:27,870 - We'll see you at the theater. - Thank you. 670 01:06:33,087 --> 01:06:35,696 Oh, wow. That's a good-looking watch. 671 01:06:36,304 --> 01:06:41,174 Thanks a lot. All right. Look at that sucker. 672 01:06:42,870 --> 01:06:44,478 Is this too much? 673 01:06:49,696 --> 01:06:55,000 'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton.' 674 01:07:09,478 --> 01:07:11,783 I think there's been a mistake. 675 01:07:16,783 --> 01:07:22,130 We're not Burt and Dolly... We're Cheech and Chong. 676 01:07:22,304 --> 01:07:25,957 We're gonna do a show for you anyway. And... 677 01:07:28,478 --> 01:07:35,130 We want to start off with a dude who had his arm blown off during the war. 678 01:07:35,304 --> 01:07:40,478 He's real sensitive about it too. You know, about his arm. 679 01:07:40,652 --> 01:07:46,913 So let's give him a nice hand. Let's hear it for Limey Bitters. 680 01:07:57,609 --> 01:08:00,478 See his arm? 681 01:08:07,217 --> 01:08:10,826 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 682 01:08:11,000 --> 01:08:13,522 It's a great pleasure to be here tonight. 683 01:08:13,696 --> 01:08:18,000 I'd like to perform for you all an unnatural act. 684 01:08:18,174 --> 01:08:20,435 Hello. 685 01:08:20,609 --> 01:08:23,565 Listen, man. Turn those mikes down. 686 01:08:23,739 --> 01:08:25,696 Can't you hear them? They're feeding back. 687 01:08:25,870 --> 01:08:28,087 Turn 'em down. 688 01:08:28,261 --> 01:08:33,304 And don't black out. Don't black out till we tell you to. 689 01:08:33,478 --> 01:08:37,565 Don't mess with anything. Just leave it as they are. 690 01:08:37,739 --> 01:08:42,696 Don't tell all those things. There are a lot of important people. 691 01:08:42,870 --> 01:08:47,130 They even expect the queen will come. All the people from the secret service... 692 01:08:47,304 --> 01:08:51,522 Don't use the word "bums", don't use those languages. 693 01:08:56,870 --> 01:09:01,043 I know what a lot of you people out there are thinking. 694 01:09:04,130 --> 01:09:06,826 Just what kind of act will this be? 695 01:09:10,261 --> 01:09:13,174 Let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen. 696 01:09:13,348 --> 01:09:17,217 The act of which I speak... 697 01:09:17,391 --> 01:09:21,435 is that l...am the only person in the world 698 01:09:21,609 --> 01:09:25,391 who can play the trumpet...out his nose. 699 01:09:27,000 --> 01:09:30,261 That's right. And not only that. 700 01:09:30,435 --> 01:09:34,261 I will make this trumpet sound like a slide-trombone. 701 01:09:38,348 --> 01:09:42,087 I would like to play a tune called, 702 01:09:42,304 --> 01:09:48,000 "Nobody knows about me cares and nobody cares about me nose". 703 01:09:49,870 --> 01:09:54,304 Out me nose...or proboscis. 704 01:09:54,609 --> 01:09:58,870 Thank you very much. Here we go. 705 01:10:08,000 --> 01:10:11,391 Had a bit of a greenie stuck there. 706 01:10:11,565 --> 01:10:13,043 All right. 707 01:10:57,783 --> 01:11:01,696 - Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. - Limey Bitters. 708 01:11:03,261 --> 01:11:05,304 He's a great talent. 709 01:11:05,478 --> 01:11:10,652 A lot of people think we come here just for the drugs but that's true. 710 01:11:14,087 --> 01:11:17,609 It's nice here. I don't think you can smoke so light up. 711 01:11:18,870 --> 01:11:22,304 Ladies and gentlemen. The astronaut. 712 01:12:02,826 --> 01:12:07,087 Ten...nine...eight... seven... 713 01:12:07,261 --> 01:12:12,609 six...five...four...three... 714 01:12:12,783 --> 01:12:16,174 two...one...zero! 715 01:12:48,565 --> 01:12:52,000 Donkey smell. Dams and herrings. 716 01:12:52,174 --> 01:12:57,000 Right now, we'd like to take you to Vondel Park. 717 01:12:58,217 --> 01:13:02,913 Look at all these goddamn pigeons. 718 01:13:03,565 --> 01:13:10,348 Come here, chick, chick, chick... I got some popcorn for you. 719 01:13:10,870 --> 01:13:17,304 There you go. Look at that little guy. 720 01:13:44,087 --> 01:13:49,870 I don't want to get personal, but did you shit your pants? 721 01:13:50,696 --> 01:13:55,087 - What? - Did you shit your pants? 722 01:13:58,174 --> 01:14:05,304 - Yeah, I shit my pants. - Why the hell don't you change them? 723 01:14:05,478 --> 01:14:10,565 I ain't done yet. I still got another week. 724 01:14:12,783 --> 01:14:17,696 - I like you. You're cool. - Get your goddamn hands off me. 725 01:14:21,000 --> 01:14:25,261 What's that, old man's talk? 726 01:14:25,478 --> 01:14:29,870 You should have a lot more respect for me than that. 727 01:14:30,043 --> 01:14:33,478 For all you know, I could be your daddy. 728 01:14:37,000 --> 01:14:42,217 - You could be my daddy? - Sure, I used to fuck buffaloes. 729 01:14:55,000 --> 01:15:00,435 You look just like your mama too. You know that? 730 01:15:04,522 --> 01:15:07,783 Don't say nothing about my mama. 731 01:15:09,217 --> 01:15:12,043 You wanna play games, funny bunny? 732 01:15:12,217 --> 01:15:15,087 Old man with the cane, wanna play games? 733 01:15:15,261 --> 01:15:17,652 How about race car driver? 734 01:15:17,826 --> 01:15:22,261 By Jesus! You take off, or I'll kick you in the balls. 735 01:15:25,087 --> 01:15:28,000 You gonna kick me in the balls? 736 01:15:29,478 --> 01:15:31,087 Go ahead. 737 01:15:32,217 --> 01:15:35,130 Come on. Free shot. Come on. 738 01:15:39,696 --> 01:15:43,696 You sure don't give a guy much of a target, do you? 739 01:15:49,522 --> 01:15:53,826 - That does it. I'm gonna kill you. - You son of a bitch! 740 01:15:54,043 --> 01:15:57,957 - You think I'm scared of you? - I'll do it with a chair. 741 01:15:59,174 --> 01:16:02,261 Oh, Jesus... Oh, God. 742 01:16:10,609 --> 01:16:14,130 What're you doing? Come on. Let's go. 743 01:16:17,826 --> 01:16:19,913 I'm gonna take your wallet. 744 01:16:22,435 --> 01:16:24,652 Come on, man. Let's go. 745 01:16:27,609 --> 01:16:29,609 Hey! 746 01:16:31,609 --> 01:16:33,217 Hey. 747 01:16:34,304 --> 01:16:37,000 Quit fucking around, man. 748 01:16:42,826 --> 01:16:45,522 Hey, dude. 749 01:16:52,304 --> 01:16:54,130 OK, I'm sorry. 750 01:17:00,043 --> 01:17:02,652 What are you doing? 751 01:17:03,435 --> 01:17:06,217 I didn't even touch him! 752 01:17:09,435 --> 01:17:12,217 I was only playing with you, man. 753 01:17:13,435 --> 01:17:15,739 Hey, I'm on parole. 754 01:17:17,217 --> 01:17:18,870 Shit. 755 01:17:21,304 --> 01:17:23,913 Hey, come on, man. 756 01:17:24,087 --> 01:17:26,130 I said I was sorry. 757 01:17:27,652 --> 01:17:29,130 Hey, dude. 758 01:17:30,522 --> 01:17:32,174 Hey, old dude. 759 01:17:33,957 --> 01:17:36,957 Oh, shit. Goddamn, man. 760 01:17:39,652 --> 01:17:42,043 I'm sorry. 761 01:17:44,826 --> 01:17:48,565 Scared the shit out of you that time, didn't l? 762 01:18:04,826 --> 01:18:07,783 Margaret, where the hell are you? 763 01:18:10,609 --> 01:18:14,087 Come on out of that goddamn toilet and get over here. 764 01:18:14,261 --> 01:18:17,478 We're gonna see a real live sex act. 765 01:18:18,826 --> 01:18:25,391 Right on that goddamn stage. I've never seen a live sex act for 12 years. 766 01:18:27,435 --> 01:18:30,043 It cost me a bundle that time too. 767 01:18:30,217 --> 01:18:35,826 Margaret, what the hell are you doing in that toilet? Scuba diving? 768 01:18:36,739 --> 01:18:43,087 Come on out here for Christ's sake. You might learn something. 769 01:18:43,261 --> 01:18:48,000 Never mind all the assholes. Come on. 770 01:18:51,043 --> 01:18:55,478 Where you been? You don't want to watch? Sit down. 771 01:18:55,652 --> 01:18:59,087 I took that goddamn boat tour, didn't l? 772 01:18:59,304 --> 01:19:02,870 If I see another goddamn windmill, I'll puke! 773 01:19:03,913 --> 01:19:10,087 Come on we're gonna see a live goddamn sex act. Sit your ass down and shut up. 774 01:19:10,261 --> 01:19:16,087 We been here 12 goddamn days and this is the first bit of excitement. 775 01:19:17,870 --> 01:19:22,783 What's the matter with you? There's nothing on that goddamn seat. 776 01:19:27,652 --> 01:19:32,957 What the hell is that anyway? It feels like Silly Putty. 777 01:19:35,130 --> 01:19:40,696 Must be some kid in the balcony. Sit down for Christ's sake. 778 01:19:40,870 --> 01:19:44,609 Let's get this show on the road. What are you waiting for? 779 01:19:44,783 --> 01:19:50,217 Christ, a live damn sex act. Christ, I hope that's not the star. 780 01:19:51,304 --> 01:19:56,609 Holy Jesus! She's so old, she's got stretch marks on her mouth. 781 01:20:00,217 --> 01:20:03,565 She looks like your goddamn sister, Ethel. 782 01:20:05,174 --> 01:20:08,348 - That is goddamn Ethel. - That is not. 783 01:20:08,522 --> 01:20:11,870 - Hey, Ethel. Over here. - Will you be quiet? 784 01:20:12,043 --> 01:20:17,130 She's trying to ignore us. She's taken off her clothes. 785 01:20:18,435 --> 01:20:22,000 - Nope, that ain't Ethel. - I told you it wasn't Ethel. 786 01:20:25,304 --> 01:20:27,696 I don't think it's Ethel. 787 01:20:29,043 --> 01:20:34,609 Holy Christ, lady, put it back on. You'll scare someone with that body. 788 01:20:36,043 --> 01:20:41,000 Look at her tits. Look like oranges in a pair of socks. 789 01:20:43,565 --> 01:20:46,348 Look out, you're gonna trip on them. 790 01:20:48,261 --> 01:20:50,261 Christ all mighty. 791 01:20:50,435 --> 01:20:55,261 Why doesn't she take off her panties? Oh, she's got 'em off. 792 01:21:00,043 --> 01:21:02,913 What the hell kind of haircut is that? 793 01:21:04,739 --> 01:21:07,130 Looks like someone's initials. 794 01:21:13,348 --> 01:21:16,130 Now she's showing it to us. 795 01:21:17,609 --> 01:21:19,783 Hey, I don't wanna see it that close. 796 01:21:22,261 --> 01:21:24,478 Looks like the Holland Tunnel. 797 01:21:25,565 --> 01:21:28,304 Look, it's doing impressions. 798 01:21:30,174 --> 01:21:34,826 Margaret, look. There's a deviled egg sandwich. 799 01:21:37,783 --> 01:21:41,174 That's goddamn funny. Sit down. 800 01:21:42,870 --> 01:21:45,652 What the hell's she gonna do with that Coke bottle? 801 01:21:47,478 --> 01:21:49,826 Holy Jesus! 802 01:21:52,174 --> 01:21:56,304 You don't suppose she's got an opener up there, do you? 803 01:22:00,696 --> 01:22:06,826 The goddamn bottle disappeared. No deposit, I guess. 804 01:22:10,217 --> 01:22:14,087 There it is. Look at that pop out of there. 805 01:22:14,261 --> 01:22:17,348 She shot that bottle clear across the room. 806 01:22:18,435 --> 01:22:21,826 And it's open. Margaret, look! 807 01:22:23,043 --> 01:22:25,609 There's a goddamn Houdini up there. 808 01:22:27,826 --> 01:22:30,435 What's she gonna do with those grapes now? 809 01:22:31,391 --> 01:22:33,652 No, she... Holy Jesus! 810 01:22:37,826 --> 01:22:43,000 She's stuffing 'em... Oh, for Christ's sake, lady. 811 01:22:43,174 --> 01:22:45,957 Why don't you get a purse or something? 812 01:22:47,478 --> 01:22:49,913 Goddamn Pack Wrap. Look at that! 813 01:22:50,087 --> 01:22:53,565 What are you saving them for? What the hell you doing? 814 01:22:53,739 --> 01:22:56,609 How's she gonna get them out of there? 815 01:22:56,783 --> 01:22:58,783 Here they come! 816 01:23:01,000 --> 01:23:04,609 Like a goddamn jackpot. Look at that! 817 01:23:04,783 --> 01:23:07,565 Margaret, look at that. 818 01:23:07,696 --> 01:23:10,565 Oh, no. She's eating them. 819 01:23:17,000 --> 01:23:20,783 If you're that hungry, I'll buy you a hamburger. 820 01:23:20,957 --> 01:23:25,522 What's the matter? Are you getting sick? You OK? 821 01:23:25,696 --> 01:23:28,217 Put your head between your legs. 822 01:23:28,391 --> 01:23:31,087 That might make you sicker. Sit up here. 823 01:23:32,130 --> 01:23:33,870 Sit down. 824 01:23:36,391 --> 01:23:39,174 Don't look if it's gonna make you sick. 825 01:23:40,304 --> 01:23:42,217 Hey, Margaret, look. 826 01:23:43,348 --> 01:23:50,000 They brought in a goddamn dog. Look at the size of that son of a bitch! 827 01:23:51,087 --> 01:23:55,391 I bet that's the dog that's been shittin' all over Amsterdam. 828 01:23:56,565 --> 01:23:58,913 Holy Jesus. 829 01:24:02,261 --> 01:24:08,609 Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to present the dogs, Ralph and Herbie. 830 01:24:45,870 --> 01:24:50,739 - Herbie! - How the hell are you? 831 01:24:58,957 --> 01:25:03,870 - You're looking good. - I hardly recognized you! 832 01:25:04,043 --> 01:25:09,391 I got a new haircut. It's a punk cut. It's red and orange and green and yellow. 833 01:25:09,565 --> 01:25:13,609 - I like that. - And brown in the center. 834 01:25:15,391 --> 01:25:18,957 Where you been? I haven't seen you for so long. 835 01:25:19,130 --> 01:25:22,913 - My human's been keeping me locked up. - Really? 836 01:25:23,087 --> 01:25:28,261 He went off on vacation to London. He left me in the room for two weeks. 837 01:25:28,435 --> 01:25:31,522 That's OK. I shit in his earphones. 838 01:25:33,087 --> 01:25:35,826 I ate all his stash too. 839 01:25:37,261 --> 01:25:42,870 - Want to chase some cats? - I could use a little pussy about now. 840 01:25:45,826 --> 01:25:47,826 Smell that? 841 01:25:51,130 --> 01:25:53,609 It's Fifi. 842 01:25:57,304 --> 01:26:00,391 She gets me so horny, I could pole vault. 843 01:26:01,435 --> 01:26:04,130 Every time I smell her, I go nuts. 844 01:26:09,261 --> 01:26:11,087 Hey! 845 01:26:12,435 --> 01:26:14,478 Knock it off, Ralph. 846 01:26:15,304 --> 01:26:20,783 - I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me. - Yeah? Well, I know what got into me! 847 01:26:23,957 --> 01:26:25,957 Just stay in front of me. 848 01:26:26,130 --> 01:26:30,043 - Go ahead. Get me back. - Get out of here. 849 01:26:31,652 --> 01:26:34,696 You been locked up too long, haven't you! 850 01:26:34,913 --> 01:26:39,609 Let's go down and chase some Fifi. Come on, I'm horny. 851 01:26:39,826 --> 01:26:43,435 - I gotta go poop. - What? Right now? 852 01:26:43,565 --> 01:26:46,087 Well, you hit a nerve or something. 853 01:26:47,826 --> 01:26:52,217 - Shit. Let's pick out a good spot for it. - Oh, God. I can't wait. 854 01:26:52,391 --> 01:26:54,130 Do it right here. 855 01:26:54,304 --> 01:26:58,609 - But we're in the middle of the restaurant. - Even better. 856 01:26:58,783 --> 01:27:00,870 I'll watch out for the waiter. 857 01:27:29,957 --> 01:27:35,174 Herbie, here it comes! It's gonna be a big one. 858 01:27:38,174 --> 01:27:40,043 Open wide. 859 01:27:42,217 --> 01:27:44,696 Look at the size of that mother. 860 01:27:45,609 --> 01:27:49,739 - Did I do that? - What do you want to name it? 861 01:27:49,913 --> 01:27:51,783 It's still smokin'. 862 01:27:53,130 --> 01:27:55,913 I love where you put it too. 863 01:27:56,087 --> 01:27:59,913 The waiter's gonna skid all the way to the kitchen! 864 01:28:00,087 --> 01:28:05,870 Thank you very much. It's been a pleasure playing for you.