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00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,892
NARRATOR: In the bleak days
of 1983,
2
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:55,189
as England languished in the doldrums
of a ruinous monetarist policy,
3
00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:59,106
the good, loyal men of the
Permanent Assurance Company,
4
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:03,781
a once-proud family firm
recently fallen on hard times,
5
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:09,578
strained under the yoke of their
oppressive new corporate management.
6
00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:11,655
MAN: Terrible.
Really terrible.
7
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,431
MAN: Row!
8
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:02,456
That's it, Evans.
You're fired.
9
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,416
You heard me. Out.
10
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:09,004
Did you hear that?
He's been sacked.
11
00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:11,056
Sacked?
12
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:17,229
Sacked? Come on, boys.
Let's get at 'em.
13
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:18,897
(MEN CLAMORING)
14
00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,855
MAN: Hey!
15
00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:26,070
Come on! Come on!
16
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:32,911
(GRUNTING)
17
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,433
(SCREAMING)
18
00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:09,440
(MAN GROANING)
19
00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:22,494
MAN: Let me out of here!
20
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:26,165
MAN 2: I demand
to see my lawyer!
21
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,043
(MEN LAUGHING)
22
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,800
Tooley! Come on.
23
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,430
(SCREAMING)
24
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,072
(GROANING)
25
00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,364
(SCREAMING)
26
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:05,587
Quiet! Silence!
27
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,756
Now, lads, let's move.
28
00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:11,426
You, you and you,
break open the weapons.
29
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:15,847
You, you and you,
into the rigging.
30
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:19,347
And you, put the kettle on.
Aye, sir.
31
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:37,240
(EXCLAIMING)
32
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:40,163
There, there, Charles.
33
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,289
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
34
00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:08,225
(SCREAMING)
35
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,310
Sorry!
36
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,771
Come on, Tooley.
This way!
37
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:39,802
Weigh the anchor!
38
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:41,599
Weigh the anchor!
39
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,345
Weigh the anchor.
40
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:03,955
(BU BBLING)
41
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:52,746
NARRATOR: And so, The
Crimson Permanent Assurance
42
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:57,380
was launched upon the high
seas of international finance.
43
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:18,526
Come on, boy.
Watch it. Route. Route!
44
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:22,818
Cup of tea, dear?
Hey, Captain!
45
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,996
Look! To starboard!
46
00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:33,704
NARRATOR: There it lay,
the prize they sought.
47
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,040
Hard to starboard!
48
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:41,049
NARRATOR: A financial district swollen
with multinationals, conglomerates,
49
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:44,848
and fat, bloated
merchant banks.
50
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:50,892
All right, lads,
battle stations!
51
00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:55,230
Come on! Move it! Move it!
Move it!
52
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,810
(EXCLAIMING)
53
00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:22,253
All right, then. That's enough.
Take cover.
54
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,593
Down, down! Get down!
55
00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,472
(SQUEAKING)
56
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:45,908
Down, down.
57
00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:47,327
(SH USHING)
58
00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,964
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
59
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,603
(BOTH GASPING)
60
00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:25,190
Hard to starboard!
61
00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,390
Fire!
62
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:27,760
(MEN EXCLAIMING)
63
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,347
(SCREAMING)
64
00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:01,791
Eric! My balance sheets!
65
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,132
Ross! Get the readouts!
66
00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:15,975
Stop him!
Eric!
67
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,553
Thanks!
MAN: Charge!
68
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:41,918
Come on! Grab it!
69
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,901
No, no! Let me! Let me!
Okay, Kane.
70
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,367
Cudgelled!
71
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,672
Gotcha!
72
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,668
You bastard!
73
00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,061
(GROANING)
74
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,656
(MAN GRUNTING)
75
00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:07,791
Take this.
76
00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:10,506
(GROANING)
77
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:15,049
Here. File this.
78
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,691
Shit!
79
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:31,235
(SCREAMING)
80
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:40,824
NARRATOR: And so, heartened
by their initial success,
81
00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:46,330
the desperate and reasonably violent
men of The Permanent Assurance
82
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:49,709
battled on until,
83
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:54,418
as the sun set
slowly in the west,
84
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:58,588
the outstanding returns on
their bold business venture
85
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,765
became apparent.
86
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,684
Once-proud financial giants
87
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,183
lay in ruins,
88
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,226
their assets stripped,
89
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:14,609
their policies in tatters.
90
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:30,875
CAPTAIN: Full speed ahead,
Mr. Cohen!
91
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:34,298
MEN: (SINGING) Up, up, up your
premium Up, up, up your premium
92
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:37,878
Scribble away
And balance the books
93
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,715
Scribble away
But balance the books
94
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:45,553
It's fun to charter
an accountant
95
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:49,981
And sail the wide
accountancy
96
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:54,232
To find,
explore the funds offshore
97
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:56,938
And skirt the shoals
of bankruptcy
98
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:01,785
It can be manly in insurance
99
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:05,864
We'll up your premium
semiannually
100
00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:10,077
It's all tax-deductible
We're fairly incorruptible
101
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:13,459
Sailing on
the wide accountancy
102
00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:17,088
Sail away... NARRATOR:
And so, they sailed off
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00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:19,919
into the ledgers of history,
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00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,596
one by one, the financial
capitals of the world
105
00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:25,266
crumbling under the might
of their business acumen.
106
00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:27,931
Or so it would have been,
107
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:31,514
if certain modern theories
concerning the shape of the world
108
00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:35,982
had not proved
to be disastrously wrong.
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00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,531
Morning.
Morning.
110
00:17:13,324 --> 00:17:15,292
Morning.
Morning.
111
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,291
Morning.
112
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,795
Morning.
Morning.
113
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,465
Morning.
Morning.
114
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:27,138
What's new?
Not much.
115
00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:34,428
Morning!
Good morning! Morning!
116
00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,185
Morning!
Morning!
117
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:40,936
Frank was just asking what's new. Was he?
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00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:43,358
Yes.
119
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:46,900
Hey, look.
120
00:17:46,983 --> 00:17:49,987
Howard's being eaten.
Is he?
121
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,666
Makes you think, doesn't it? Hmm.
122
00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:03,841
I mean, what's it all about?
Beats me.
123
00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:08,262
(SINGING) Why are we here
124
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,760
What's life all about
125
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,842
Is God really real
126
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,019
Or is there some doubt
127
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:21,484
Well, tonight
we're going to sort it all out
128
00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:24,984
For tonight
it's The Meaning of Life
129
00:18:27,148 --> 00:18:31,745
What's the point
of all this hoax
130
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,538
Is it the chicken
and the egg time
131
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,242
Are we just yolks
132
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:42,588
Or perhaps we're just one
of God's little jokes
133
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:47,339
Well, ça, c'est
le meaning of life
134
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,467
Is life just a game
135
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:53,095
Where we make up the rules
136
00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:58,096
While we're searching
for something to say
137
00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:03,811
Or are we just
simply spiraling coils
138
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:07,318
Of self-replicating DNA
139
00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:09,194
Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nay
140
00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:13,028
What is life
What is our fate
141
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,618
Is there heaven and hell
142
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:19,830
Do we reincarnate
143
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:24,756
Is mankind evolving
or is it too late
144
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:28,334
Well, tonight
here's The Meaning of Life
145
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:29,509
(LIGHTNING CRACKING)
146
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,258
For millions
147
00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:35,224
This life
is a sad vale of tears
148
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:39,600
Sitting round
with really nothing to say
149
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:43,019
While scientists say
150
00:19:43,099 --> 00:19:46,478
We're just
simply spiraling coils
151
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,530
Of self-replicating DNA
152
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,232
Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nay
153
00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:54,785
So just why
Why are we here
154
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,405
And just what
155
00:19:57,488 --> 00:20:00,116
What, what, what do we fear
156
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:04,416
Well, ce soir for a change
157
00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:06,748
It will all be made clear
158
00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:10,881
For this is
The Meaning of Life
159
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,883
C'est le sens de la vie
160
00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:15,511
This is The Meaning of Life
161
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:21,228
NARRATOR: Part one.
The miracle of birth.
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00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:52,168
One thousand and eight!
163
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,924
Mrs. Moore's contractions
are more frequent, Doctor.
164
00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:55,801
Good. Take her into
the fetus frightening room.
165
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:56,972
Right.
166
00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:06,436
Jolly good.
167
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:10,274
It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?
168
00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:14,448
Yes. Yes. More apparatus, please, Nurse.
169
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:18,536
The EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV.
Certainly, Doctor.
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00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,955
And get the machine
that goes "ping."
171
00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:23,829
And get the most expensive machines
in case the administrator comes.
172
00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,928
That's it. Bring it in. Bring
it right here. Behind me.
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00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:38,973
Lovely, lovely.
Jolly good. That's better.
174
00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:42,973
That's much, much better.
Yes, that's more like it.
175
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:47,147
Still something
missing, though.
176
00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:49,396
Hmm?
Hmm.
177
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:53,646
Patient.
Patient, yes.
178
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:55,982
Where's the patient? Patient!
Anyone seen the patient?
179
00:21:56,065 --> 00:21:57,237
(EXCLAIMS)
180
00:21:57,358 --> 00:21:59,827
Here she is. DOCTOR:
Bring it over here.
181
00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:02,371
Mind the machines!
Sorry, Doctor.
182
00:22:02,446 --> 00:22:03,743
Come along!
183
00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:05,207
Come along.
Jump on it.
184
00:22:05,241 --> 00:22:09,337
Hello. Now don't you worry.
We'll soon have you cured.
185
00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:12,164
Leave it all to us. You'll
never know what hit you.
186
00:22:12,248 --> 00:22:13,670
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
187
00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:15,501
Drips up.
Injections.
188
00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,006
Can I put the tube
in the baby's head?
189
00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:18,338
Only if I can
do the episiotomy.
190
00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:19,467
Okay.
Thank you.
191
00:22:19,547 --> 00:22:20,548
Legs up.
192
00:22:21,131 --> 00:22:24,431
Oh, come in. Come on in, all of you.
That's it. Jolly good.
193
00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:27,104
Come on. Come along.
Spread round there.
194
00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:29,102
Who are you?
I'm the husband.
195
00:22:29,223 --> 00:22:33,444
I'm sorry. Only people
involved are allowed in here.
196
00:22:33,894 --> 00:22:36,192
What do I do?
Yes?
197
00:22:36,313 --> 00:22:40,363
What do I do? Nothing, dear.
You're not qualified.
198
00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:43,036
Leave it to us.
What's that for?
199
00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:45,535
That's the machine
that goes "ping."
200
00:22:45,614 --> 00:22:46,831
(PINGING)
201
00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:50,753
You see? That means
your baby is still alive.
202
00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:54,253
And that's the most expensive
machine in the whole hospital.
203
00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:56,880
Yes, it cost over three-quarters
of a million pounds.
204
00:22:56,959 --> 00:22:59,132
Aren't you lucky?
205
00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:01,756
The administrator
is here, Doctor.
206
00:23:01,839 --> 00:23:03,136
Switch everything on.
207
00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:05,096
Morning, gentlemen.
208
00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:07,557
Morning. Morning, gentlemen.
Morning.
209
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:08,979
MAN 1: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
MAN 2: Mr. Pycroft.
210
00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:11,182
Oh, very impressive,
very impressive.
211
00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:14,561
And what are you doing this morning?
It's a birth.
212
00:23:14,768 --> 00:23:16,770
And what sort of thing
is that?
213
00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:22,118
Well, that's when we take a new
baby out of a lady's tummy.
214
00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:24,153
(MACH IN E PINGING) Wonderful
what we can do nowadays.
215
00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:28,458
I see you have the machine that
goes "ping." This is my favorite.
216
00:23:28,824 --> 00:23:31,418
You see, we lease this back
from the company we sold it to,
217
00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:36,044
and that way, it comes under the monthly
current budget and not the capital account.
218
00:23:40,169 --> 00:23:42,985
Thank you, thank you.
We try to do our best.
219
00:23:43,011 --> 00:23:44,199
Well, do carry on.
220
00:23:45,174 --> 00:23:47,893
Oh, the vulva's dilating, Doctor.
Oh, yes, there's the head.
221
00:23:47,968 --> 00:23:51,097
Yes, four centimeters,
five, six centimeters.
222
00:23:51,180 --> 00:23:53,148
Lights!
Amplify the ping machine.
223
00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:54,770
Masks up!
Suction!
224
00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:57,103
Eyes down
for a full house!
225
00:23:57,186 --> 00:23:59,109
Here it comes.
226
00:24:00,898 --> 00:24:03,447
(BABY CRYING)
And frighten it.
227
00:24:03,525 --> 00:24:07,029
Thank you.
And the rough towels!
228
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:11,200
Show it to the mother.
That's enough.
229
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:13,285
Right. Sedate her.
Number the child.
230
00:24:13,369 --> 00:24:15,997
Measure it, blood-type
it and isolate it.
231
00:24:16,747 --> 00:24:18,294
Okay, show's over.
232
00:24:18,374 --> 00:24:19,671
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
233
00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:21,798
Is it a boy or a girl?
234
00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:25,802
I think it's a little early to start
imposing roles on it, don't you?
235
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:28,600
Now, a word of advice. You may find
that you suffer for some time,
236
00:24:28,676 --> 00:24:33,102
a totally irrational feeling of
depression, PN D, as we doctors call it.
237
00:24:33,222 --> 00:24:35,441
So, it's lots of
happy pills for you,
238
00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:37,985
and you can find out all about
the birth when you get home.
239
00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:41,781
It's available on BetaMax,
VHS and Super 8.
240
00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:46,152
(MACHINE PINGING)
241
00:24:46,944 --> 00:24:51,245
NARRATOR: The miracle of birth., part two.
The third world.
242
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:55,669
(DOG BARKING)
243
00:25:01,417 --> 00:25:02,964
(BIRD CAWING)
244
00:25:04,461 --> 00:25:06,589
Oh, bloody hell.
245
00:25:10,092 --> 00:25:11,344
(CRYING)
246
00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:18,400
Oh, get it, would you, Deidre?
All right, Mum.
247
00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:27,284
(CH ILDREN CHATTERING)
248
00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:31,330
Now whose teatime is it?
ALL: Mine!
249
00:25:31,405 --> 00:25:33,078
Come on.
Out you go.
250
00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:35,956
Now, Vincent, Tessa,
Valerie, Janine,
251
00:25:36,035 --> 00:25:39,380
Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda,
252
00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:42,425
Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique
and Sasha, it's your bedtime.
253
00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:43,546
(CH ILDREN GROANING)
254
00:25:43,625 --> 00:25:45,719
Now don't argue!
255
00:25:45,794 --> 00:25:48,388
Laura, Alfred, Nigel,
Annie, Simon, Amanda...
256
00:25:48,464 --> 00:25:53,015
Wait. I've got something
to tell the whole family.
257
00:25:53,260 --> 00:25:56,389
Oh, quick. Go and get
the others in, Gordon.
258
00:25:57,973 --> 00:26:00,977
The mill's closed.
There's no more work.
259
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:04,571
(CH ILDREN MURMU RING)
We're destitute.
260
00:26:04,646 --> 00:26:08,025
Come in, my little loves. I've got
no option but to sell you all
261
00:26:08,108 --> 00:26:09,735
for scientific experiments.
262
00:26:12,154 --> 00:26:14,703
No, no, that's the way it is,
my loves.
263
00:26:14,823 --> 00:26:16,040
Blame the Catholic Church
264
00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:18,289
for not letting me wear one of
those little rubber things.
265
00:26:18,368 --> 00:26:21,087
Oh, they've done some wonderful
things in their time.
266
00:26:21,163 --> 00:26:25,009
They've preserved the might and majesty,
even mystery of the Church of Rome,
267
00:26:25,459 --> 00:26:30,010
and the sanctity of the sacrament, the
indivisible oneness of the Trinity,
268
00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:32,217
but if they'd let me wear one
of those little rubber things
269
00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:33,846
on the end of my cock,
270
00:26:33,926 --> 00:26:36,349
we wouldn't be in the mess
we are now.
271
00:26:36,428 --> 00:26:40,433
Couldn't Mummy have worn
some sort of pessary?
272
00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:41,768
Not if we're going
to remain members
273
00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:44,148
of the fastest-growing
religion in the world, my boy.
274
00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:48,825
He's right.
You see, we believe...
275
00:26:48,899 --> 00:26:50,867
Well, let me put it like this.
276
00:26:51,068 --> 00:26:53,491
(SINGING)
There are Jews in the world
277
00:26:53,570 --> 00:26:55,538
There are Buddhists
278
00:26:55,656 --> 00:27:00,082
There are Hindus
and Mormons and then
279
00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:03,581
There are those
that follow Mohammed
280
00:27:03,664 --> 00:27:09,216
But I've never been
one of them
281
00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:14,220
I'm a Roman Catholic
282
00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:17,769
And have been since
before I was born
283
00:27:17,845 --> 00:27:21,145
And the one thing
they say about Catholics
284
00:27:21,223 --> 00:27:25,273
Is they'll take you
as soon as you're warm
285
00:27:25,352 --> 00:27:28,822
You don't have
to be a six-footer
286
00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:32,401
You don't have to
have a great brain
287
00:27:32,734 --> 00:27:35,783
You don't have to
have any clothes on
288
00:27:35,863 --> 00:27:40,118
You're a Catholic
the moment Dad came
289
00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:43,663
Because
290
00:27:43,745 --> 00:27:48,376
Every sperm is sacred
291
00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:53,009
Every sperm is great
292
00:27:53,088 --> 00:27:57,434
If a sperm is wasted
293
00:27:57,509 --> 00:28:00,888
God gets quite irate
294
00:28:02,264 --> 00:28:06,235
CH ILDREN: (SINGING)
Every sperm is sacred
295
00:28:06,310 --> 00:28:10,486
Every sperm is great
296
00:28:10,606 --> 00:28:15,157
If a sperm is wasted
297
00:28:15,235 --> 00:28:19,581
God gets quite irate
298
00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:23,878
Let the heathens spill theirs
299
00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:28,253
On the dusty ground
300
00:28:28,332 --> 00:28:31,461
God shall make them pay
301
00:28:31,793 --> 00:28:36,720
For each sperm
that can't be found
302
00:28:36,798 --> 00:28:41,349
Every sperm is wanted
303
00:28:41,428 --> 00:28:45,433
Every sperm is good
304
00:28:45,515 --> 00:28:49,895
Every sperm is needed
305
00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:54,074
In your neighborhood
306
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:57,619
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon
307
00:28:57,986 --> 00:29:01,411
Spill theirs just anywhere
308
00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:05,370
But God loves those who treat
309
00:29:05,452 --> 00:29:09,832
Their semen with more care
310
00:29:10,207 --> 00:29:14,257
Every sperm is sacred
311
00:29:14,336 --> 00:29:17,681
Every sperm is great
312
00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:22,102
If a sperm is wasted
313
00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:25,647
God gets quite irate
314
00:29:25,722 --> 00:29:29,693
Every sperm is sacred
315
00:29:30,060 --> 00:29:33,610
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is good
316
00:29:33,689 --> 00:29:37,364
Every sperm is needed
317
00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:41,451
MEN: In your neighborhood
318
00:29:41,530 --> 00:29:45,205
Every sperm is useful
319
00:29:45,367 --> 00:29:49,122
Every sperm is fine
320
00:29:49,204 --> 00:29:52,799
God needs everybody's
321
00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:54,505
Mine
And mine
322
00:29:54,584 --> 00:29:56,427
And mine
323
00:30:11,852 --> 00:30:15,447
Let the pagans spill theirs
324
00:30:15,522 --> 00:30:19,527
O'er mountain, hill and plain
325
00:30:19,609 --> 00:30:22,488
God shall strike them down
326
00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:26,872
For each sperm
that's spilt in vain
327
00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:31,088
Every sperm is sacred
328
00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:34,918
Every sperm is good
329
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,721
Every sperm is needed
330
00:30:38,795 --> 00:30:42,265
In your neighborhood
331
00:30:42,382 --> 00:30:46,012
Every sperm is sacred
332
00:30:46,136 --> 00:30:49,857
Every sperm is great
333
00:30:49,931 --> 00:30:53,526
If a sperm is wasted
334
00:30:53,935 --> 00:30:55,858
God gets
335
00:30:55,937 --> 00:31:01,785
Quite irate
336
00:31:01,860 --> 00:31:03,533
(PEOPLE WHOOPING)
337
00:31:07,157 --> 00:31:09,626
So you see my problem,
little ones.
338
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:11,669
I can't keep you all here
any longer.
339
00:31:11,745 --> 00:31:13,588
BOY: Speak up!
340
00:31:13,663 --> 00:31:16,337
I can't keep you all here
any longer!
341
00:31:16,792 --> 00:31:21,013
God has blessed us so much I can't
afford to feed you anymore.
342
00:31:21,088 --> 00:31:22,931
Couldn't you have
your balls cut off?
343
00:31:24,132 --> 00:31:27,511
It's not as simple as that, Nigel.
God knows all.
344
00:31:27,594 --> 00:31:29,642
He'd see through
such a cheap trick.
345
00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:32,725
What we do to ourselves,
we do to Him.
346
00:31:32,808 --> 00:31:35,152
You could have had them
pulled off in an accident.
347
00:31:35,227 --> 00:31:36,979
(CH ILDREN CLAMORING)
348
00:31:37,354 --> 00:31:39,402
No. Children, I know
you're trying to help,
349
00:31:39,481 --> 00:31:41,700
but believe me,
me mind's made up.
350
00:31:41,775 --> 00:31:44,745
I've given this long
and careful thought,
351
00:31:45,112 --> 00:31:47,581
and it has to be medical
experiments for the lot of you.
352
00:31:47,656 --> 00:31:49,329
(CH ILDREN GROANING)
353
00:31:51,076 --> 00:31:54,296
(SINGING SADLY)
Every sperm is sacred
354
00:31:55,455 --> 00:32:00,131
Every sperm is great
355
00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:04,806
Look at them. Bloody Catholics.
Filling the bloody world up
356
00:32:04,881 --> 00:32:08,385
with bloody people they can't
afford to bloody feed.
357
00:32:08,510 --> 00:32:13,016
What are we, dear? Protestant,
and fiercely proud of it.
358
00:32:13,098 --> 00:32:15,817
Well, why do they have
so many children?
359
00:32:15,892 --> 00:32:19,863
Because every time they have sexual
intercourse, they have to have a baby.
360
00:32:19,980 --> 00:32:23,109
But it's the same with us, Harry.
What do you mean?
361
00:32:23,191 --> 00:32:25,410
Well, I mean
we've got two children,
362
00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:28,038
and we've had
sexual intercourse twice.
363
00:32:28,113 --> 00:32:31,413
That's not the point. We could
have it any time we wanted.
364
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,585
Really?
Oh, yes. And what's more,
365
00:32:33,660 --> 00:32:36,038
because we don't believe
in all that Papist claptrap,
366
00:32:36,121 --> 00:32:38,089
we can take precautions.
367
00:32:38,206 --> 00:32:40,083
What, you mean
lock the door?
368
00:32:40,167 --> 00:32:44,513
No, no. I mean because we are members
of the Protestant Reformed Church,
369
00:32:44,588 --> 00:32:46,465
which successfully challenged
the autocratic power
370
00:32:46,548 --> 00:32:48,642
of the Papacy
in the mid-sixteenth century,
371
00:32:48,717 --> 00:32:51,687
we can wear little rubber
devices to prevent issue.
372
00:32:51,761 --> 00:32:52,808
What do you mean?
373
00:32:52,888 --> 00:32:55,767
I could, if I wanted, have
sexual intercourse with you.
374
00:32:55,849 --> 00:32:57,066
Oh, yes, Harry.
375
00:32:57,142 --> 00:32:59,691
And by wearing a rubber sheath
over my old fellow,
376
00:32:59,853 --> 00:33:03,357
I could ensure that when I came
off, you would not be impregnated.
377
00:33:03,482 --> 00:33:07,077
Ooh! That's what being a
Protestant's all about.
378
00:33:07,152 --> 00:33:08,654
That's why
it's the church for me.
379
00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:10,159
That's why
it's the church for anyone
380
00:33:10,238 --> 00:33:13,412
who respects the individual
and the individual's right
381
00:33:13,575 --> 00:33:15,577
to decide for him
or herself.
382
00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:20,131
When Martin Luther nailed his protest
up to the church door in 1517,
383
00:33:20,207 --> 00:33:23,256
he may not have realized the full
significance of what he was doing
384
00:33:23,418 --> 00:33:26,422
but 400 years later,
thanks to him, my dear,
385
00:33:26,505 --> 00:33:29,304
I can wear whatever I want
on my John Thomas.
386
00:33:29,591 --> 00:33:33,437
And Protestantism doesn't stop
at the simple condom. Oh, no!
387
00:33:33,553 --> 00:33:36,147
I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
You what?
388
00:33:36,223 --> 00:33:39,397
French Ticklers, Black
Mambos, Crocodile Ribs...
389
00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:42,192
Sheaths that are designed
not only to protect,
390
00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:45,740
but also to enhance the
stimulation of sexual congress.
391
00:33:45,899 --> 00:33:48,698
Have you got one?
Have I got one? Well, no,
392
00:33:48,777 --> 00:33:51,951
but I can go down the road anytime
I want and walk into Harry's
393
00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:55,034
and hold my head up high and
say, in a loud, steady voice,
394
00:33:55,116 --> 00:33:57,665
"Harry, I want you
to sell me a condom.
395
00:33:57,744 --> 00:34:01,624
"In fact, today I think I'll have a
French Tickler, for I am a Protestant."
396
00:34:01,915 --> 00:34:04,509
Well, why don't you?
But they, they cannot,
397
00:34:04,584 --> 00:34:07,884
because their church never made the
great leap out of the Middle Ages
398
00:34:07,963 --> 00:34:11,183
and the domination
of alien Episcopal supremacy.
399
00:34:11,258 --> 00:34:12,976
NARRATOR 2: But despite the
attempts of Protestants
400
00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:15,804
to promote the idea
of sex for pleasure,
401
00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:19,058
children continue
to multiply everywhere.
402
00:34:20,141 --> 00:34:24,817
NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part two.
Growth and learning.
403
00:34:25,689 --> 00:34:31,162
INSTRUCTOR: And spotteth twice they
the camels before the third hour.
404
00:34:31,361 --> 00:34:34,991
And so the Midianites
went forth to Ram Gilead,
405
00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:37,451
in Kadesh Bilgemath,
406
00:34:37,534 --> 00:34:39,628
by Shor Ethra Regalion,
407
00:34:39,703 --> 00:34:44,083
to the house of
Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda,
408
00:34:44,165 --> 00:34:46,884
he who brought the butter dish
to Balshazar,
409
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:50,430
and the tent peg
to the house of Rashomon,
410
00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:53,429
and there,
slew they the goats,
411
00:34:53,508 --> 00:34:59,015
yea, and placed they
the bits in little pots.
412
00:35:00,056 --> 00:35:02,058
Here endeth the lesson.
413
00:35:02,142 --> 00:35:04,065
Let us praise God.
414
00:35:09,024 --> 00:35:12,654
O Lord.
ALL: O Lord.
415
00:35:13,695 --> 00:35:16,244
Ooh! You are so big.
416
00:35:16,531 --> 00:35:19,125
ALL: Ooh! You are so big.
417
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:22,124
So absolutely huge.
418
00:35:22,245 --> 00:35:26,295
ALL: So absolutely huge.
419
00:35:26,374 --> 00:35:31,505
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell You.
420
00:35:31,755 --> 00:35:36,306
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell you.
421
00:35:36,384 --> 00:35:41,015
Forgive us, O Lord, for this,
our dreadful toadying.
422
00:35:41,556 --> 00:35:44,526
ALL: And barefaced flattery.
423
00:35:44,601 --> 00:35:46,820
But you're so strong,
424
00:35:46,895 --> 00:35:50,490
and, well, just so super.
425
00:35:50,565 --> 00:35:53,034
ALL: Fantastic.
426
00:35:53,443 --> 00:35:55,537
Amen, Reverend.
Amen.
427
00:35:55,612 --> 00:35:58,912
Now two boys have been found
rubbing linseed oil
428
00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:01,038
into the school cormorant.
429
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:05,881
Now some of you may feel that the
cormorant does not play an important part
430
00:36:05,955 --> 00:36:08,128
in the life of the school,
but I would remind you
431
00:36:08,541 --> 00:36:12,762
that it was presented to us by the
corporation of the town of Sudbury,
432
00:36:13,046 --> 00:36:15,765
to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to remember
433
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:18,593
the names of all those
from the Sudbury area,
434
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:21,684
who so gallantly
gave their lives
435
00:36:21,763 --> 00:36:24,186
to keep China British.
436
00:36:24,265 --> 00:36:28,771
So from now on, the cormorant
is strictly out of bounds!
437
00:36:31,272 --> 00:36:33,445
Oh, and, Jenkins,
438
00:36:33,525 --> 00:36:36,074
apparently, your mother
died this morning.
439
00:36:36,152 --> 00:36:38,405
Chaplain.
440
00:36:41,533 --> 00:36:45,379
ALL: (SINGING)
O Lord, please don't burn us
441
00:36:45,453 --> 00:36:49,549
Don't grill or toast
Your flock
442
00:36:49,624 --> 00:36:53,879
Don't put us on the barbecue
443
00:36:53,962 --> 00:36:58,388
Or simmer us in stock
444
00:36:58,466 --> 00:37:02,061
Don't braise
or bake or boil us
445
00:37:02,137 --> 00:37:06,187
Or stir-fry us in a wok
446
00:37:07,475 --> 00:37:11,355
Oh, please don't
lightly poach us
447
00:37:11,813 --> 00:37:15,943
Or baste us with hot fat
448
00:37:16,025 --> 00:37:16,275
Don't fricassee or roast us
449
00:37:16,276 --> 00:37:20,452
Don't fricassee or roast us
450
00:37:20,530 --> 00:37:24,910
Or boil us in a vat
451
00:37:24,993 --> 00:37:29,419
And please don't
stick thy servants, Lord
452
00:37:29,497 --> 00:37:33,343
In a Rotissomat
453
00:37:37,464 --> 00:37:38,966
(BELL RINGING)
454
00:37:39,549 --> 00:37:40,641
He's coming!
455
00:37:40,717 --> 00:37:42,310
(ALL CLAMORING)
456
00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:50,480
All right, settle down,
settle down.
457
00:37:52,187 --> 00:37:55,031
Now, before I begin the
lesson, will those of you
458
00:37:55,148 --> 00:37:57,992
who are playing in the match this
afternoon move your clothes down
459
00:37:58,067 --> 00:38:00,946
onto the lower peg
immediately after lunch,
460
00:38:01,029 --> 00:38:02,451
before you write
your letter home,
461
00:38:02,530 --> 00:38:05,283
if you're not getting your hair cut,
unless you've got a younger brother,
462
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:07,915
who's going out this weekend as the
guest of another boy, in which case,
463
00:38:07,994 --> 00:38:09,712
collect his note before lunch,
464
00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:12,007
put it in your letter after
you have had your haircut,
465
00:38:12,081 --> 00:38:15,085
and make sure he moves your clothes
down onto the lower peg for you.
466
00:38:15,168 --> 00:38:16,215
Now...
Sir?
467
00:38:16,544 --> 00:38:17,511
Yes, Wymer?
468
00:38:17,587 --> 00:38:19,806
My younger brother's going out
with Dibble this weekend, sir.
469
00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:22,634
But I'm not having my hair cut
today, so do I move my clothes...
470
00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:26,017
I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.
It's perfectly simple.
471
00:38:26,095 --> 00:38:27,597
If you're not
getting your hair cut,
472
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,308
you don't have to move your brother's
clothes down to the lower peg.
473
00:38:30,391 --> 00:38:33,144
You simply collect his note
before lunch,
474
00:38:33,228 --> 00:38:35,071
after you've done
your scripture prep,
475
00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:37,740
when you've written
your letter home before rest,
476
00:38:37,816 --> 00:38:39,910
move your own clothes
onto the lower peg,
477
00:38:40,026 --> 00:38:42,154
greet the visitors
and report to Mr. Viney
478
00:38:42,237 --> 00:38:43,910
that you've had
your chit signed.
479
00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:47,575
Now, sex.
480
00:38:50,119 --> 00:38:53,464
Sex, sex, sex.
Where were we?
481
00:38:57,585 --> 00:38:59,383
Well, had I got as far as
482
00:38:59,462 --> 00:39:03,217
the penis entering the vagina?
483
00:39:06,594 --> 00:39:08,892
No, sir.
No, sir. No, sir.
484
00:39:09,514 --> 00:39:11,437
Well, had I done foreplay?
485
00:39:14,811 --> 00:39:15,812
STU DENTS: Yes, sir.
486
00:39:15,895 --> 00:39:19,195
Ah. Well, as we all know
all about foreplay,
487
00:39:19,274 --> 00:39:23,575
no doubt you can tell me what
the purpose of foreplay is.
488
00:39:24,612 --> 00:39:26,205
Biggs.
489
00:39:30,243 --> 00:39:32,291
Don't know.
Sorry, sir.
490
00:39:32,537 --> 00:39:33,789
Carter?
491
00:39:34,497 --> 00:39:38,377
Oh, was it taking
your clothes off, sir?
492
00:39:39,794 --> 00:39:41,467
Well, and after that?
493
00:39:42,171 --> 00:39:44,549
Oh, putting them
on a lower peg, sir.
494
00:39:46,801 --> 00:39:51,147
The purpose of foreplay is to
cause the vagina to lubricate,
495
00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:54,977
so that the penis
can penetrate more easily.
496
00:39:55,351 --> 00:39:56,944
Could we have a window open,
please, sir?
497
00:39:57,020 --> 00:39:58,613
Yes. Harris, will you?
498
00:39:58,688 --> 00:40:01,316
And, of course, to cause
the man's penis to erect
499
00:40:01,441 --> 00:40:03,739
and harden.
500
00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:05,703
(IN HALING)
501
00:40:05,862 --> 00:40:10,083
Now, did I do
vaginal juices last week?
502
00:40:10,158 --> 00:40:11,910
Oh, do pay attention,
Wadsworth!
503
00:40:11,993 --> 00:40:14,212
I know it's Friday. Watching
the football, are you?
504
00:40:14,287 --> 00:40:17,541
Boy, move over there.
I'm warning you.
505
00:40:17,999 --> 00:40:20,718
I may decide
to set an exam this term.
506
00:40:20,835 --> 00:40:22,929
Oh, sir!
Sir!
507
00:40:23,004 --> 00:40:25,223
So just listen.
508
00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:30,470
Now did I or did I not
509
00:40:30,553 --> 00:40:33,682
do vaginal juices?
510
00:40:34,182 --> 00:40:35,434
STU DENTS: Yes, sir.
511
00:40:35,516 --> 00:40:39,692
Name two ways of getting them
flowing, Watson.
512
00:40:40,521 --> 00:40:42,114
Rubbing the clitoris, sir?
513
00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:49,364
What's wrong
with a kiss, boy? Hmm?
514
00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:52,621
Why not start her off
with a nice kiss?
515
00:40:52,784 --> 00:40:54,377
You don't
have to go leaping
516
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:56,454
straight for the clitoris
like a bull at a gate.
517
00:40:56,537 --> 00:40:58,881
Give her a kiss, boy.
518
00:41:00,083 --> 00:41:03,212
Suck the nipple, sir?
Good, good. Well done, Wymer.
519
00:41:03,294 --> 00:41:05,638
Stroking the thighs, sir?
Yes, yes.
520
00:41:05,713 --> 00:41:07,636
I suppose so.
Biting the neck.
521
00:41:07,715 --> 00:41:09,809
Yes, good.
Nibbling the earlobe,
522
00:41:09,884 --> 00:41:12,558
kneading the buttocks
and so on and so forth.
523
00:41:12,637 --> 00:41:14,890
So we have
all these possibilities,
524
00:41:15,056 --> 00:41:19,232
before we stampede
towards the clitoris, Watson.
525
00:41:19,686 --> 00:41:21,484
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
526
00:41:21,562 --> 00:41:24,736
Now, all these forms
of stimulation
527
00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:27,285
can now take place.
528
00:41:36,244 --> 00:41:38,793
And, of course, tonguing
will give you the best idea
529
00:41:39,038 --> 00:41:42,588
of how the juices
are coming along.
530
00:41:42,667 --> 00:41:46,297
Helen?
Now, penetration and coitus,
531
00:41:46,379 --> 00:41:50,429
that is to say intercourse
up to and including orgasm.
532
00:41:51,634 --> 00:41:56,265
Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when
my wife enters the room, Carter.
533
00:41:56,347 --> 00:41:57,974
Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.
534
00:41:58,057 --> 00:41:59,684
H ELEN: Humphrey, I hope
you don't mind.
535
00:41:59,767 --> 00:42:02,236
I told the Garfields we would
dine with them tonight.
536
00:42:02,311 --> 00:42:04,188
Yes, yes, well,
I suppose we must.
537
00:42:04,272 --> 00:42:06,115
I said we'd be
there by 8:00.
538
00:42:06,274 --> 00:42:08,993
At least it'll give me a reason
to wind up the staff meeting.
539
00:42:09,277 --> 00:42:11,951
I know you don't like them, but
I couldn't make another excuse.
540
00:42:12,030 --> 00:42:13,828
It's just that I felt...
541
00:42:14,824 --> 00:42:18,078
Wymer, this is
for your benefit.
542
00:42:18,161 --> 00:42:20,289
Would you kindly
wake up?
543
00:42:20,663 --> 00:42:23,291
I've no intention of going
through this all again.
544
00:42:34,135 --> 00:42:37,389
We'll take the foreplay as
read, if you don't mind, dear.
545
00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:38,564
No, of course not,
Humphrey.
546
00:42:38,639 --> 00:42:43,145
So, the man starts by entering
or mounting his good lady wife,
547
00:42:43,227 --> 00:42:45,025
in the standard way.
548
00:42:45,104 --> 00:42:50,281
The penis is now, as you will
observe, more or less fully erect.
549
00:42:50,443 --> 00:42:52,821
There we are,
that's better.
550
00:42:52,945 --> 00:42:55,118
Now, Carter.
551
00:42:55,490 --> 00:42:57,663
Yes, sir?
What is it?
552
00:42:59,243 --> 00:43:02,668
It's an ocarina, sir.
Bring it up here.
553
00:43:03,289 --> 00:43:07,260
The man now starts making thrusting
movements with his pelvic area,
554
00:43:07,335 --> 00:43:10,259
moving the penis up and down
inside the vagina.
555
00:43:10,338 --> 00:43:14,218
Put it there, boy.
Put it there on the table.
556
00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:18,271
While the wife maximizes her clitoral
stimulation by the shaft of the penis,
557
00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:20,098
by pushing forward.
558
00:43:20,223 --> 00:43:21,520
Thank you, dear.
559
00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:25,945
What's funny, Biggs?
560
00:43:26,896 --> 00:43:27,943
Oh, nothing, sir.
561
00:43:28,022 --> 00:43:30,366
Do, please, share your little
joke with the rest of us.
562
00:43:30,483 --> 00:43:33,282
I mean, obviously, something
frightfully funny's going on.
563
00:43:33,361 --> 00:43:34,578
No, honestly, sir.
564
00:43:34,654 --> 00:43:35,997
Well, as it's so funny,
565
00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:39,372
I think you'd better be selected
to play for the boys' team,
566
00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:42,078
in the rugby match against
the masters this afternoon.
567
00:43:43,204 --> 00:43:44,751
Oh, no, sir!
568
00:43:47,708 --> 00:43:49,210
(MEN CHEERING)
569
00:43:54,215 --> 00:43:57,139
MAN: Come on, Buster!
570
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:04,017
(SCREAMING)
571
00:44:04,433 --> 00:44:07,061
Well played, well played.
572
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:08,772
(GROANS)
573
00:44:12,108 --> 00:44:13,735
(BOYS GROANING)
574
00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:21,204
(WH ISTLE BLOWS)
575
00:44:27,623 --> 00:44:28,966
(GROANING)
576
00:44:36,757 --> 00:44:38,259
(WH ISTLE BLOWS)
577
00:45:17,089 --> 00:45:18,466
(GU NS FIRING)
578
00:45:23,846 --> 00:45:25,723
(IN DISTINCT CHATTERING)
579
00:45:25,848 --> 00:45:27,145
(GUNFIRE)
580
00:45:27,433 --> 00:45:28,810
(EXPLOSIONS)
581
00:45:30,519 --> 00:45:34,695
NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part three.
Fighting each other.
582
00:45:40,613 --> 00:45:43,833
Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters,
you take the buggers on the left flank.
583
00:45:43,950 --> 00:45:45,793
Hordern, Spadger and I
will go for the gun post.
584
00:45:45,868 --> 00:45:46,915
Hang on, 68.
585
00:45:46,994 --> 00:45:49,747
You'll never make it, let us come with you.
Do as you're told, man.
586
00:45:49,830 --> 00:45:52,504
Righto, Skipper.
Oh, sir, sir?
587
00:45:52,708 --> 00:45:55,678
(STAMMERING) If we don't meet again, sir.
588
00:45:55,920 --> 00:46:00,426
I'd just like to say it's been a real
privilege fighting alongside you, sir.
589
00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:03,933
Yes, well, this is hardly the time
or place for a goodbye speech, eh?
590
00:46:04,011 --> 00:46:08,733
Me and the lads realize that, sir, but,
well, we may never meet again, so...
591
00:46:08,933 --> 00:46:10,606
Yes, all right, Blackitt.
Thanks a lot.
592
00:46:10,685 --> 00:46:11,777
No, just a moment, sir.
593
00:46:11,852 --> 00:46:14,947
Me and the lads, we've had
a little whip-around, sir.
594
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:19,035
We've bought you something, sir.
We bought you this, sir.
595
00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:22,955
Oh! Well, it...
I don't know what to say.
596
00:46:23,030 --> 00:46:27,410
It's a lovely thought. Thank you.
Thank you all.
597
00:46:27,493 --> 00:46:29,495
But I think
we'd better get to cover...
598
00:46:29,578 --> 00:46:31,000
(EXPLOSIONS)
599
00:46:31,539 --> 00:46:35,510
We've got something else
for you as well, sir.
600
00:46:35,584 --> 00:46:38,337
Sorry it's another clock, sir,
only there was a bit of a mix-up.
601
00:46:38,421 --> 00:46:40,765
Walters thought
he was buying a present
602
00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:43,389
and Spadger and I had
already got the other one.
603
00:46:44,010 --> 00:46:46,354
Well, it's beautiful,
they're both beautiful.
604
00:46:46,429 --> 00:46:47,726
(GU N FIRING)
605
00:46:48,848 --> 00:46:50,566
I think we'd better
get to cover now.
606
00:46:50,641 --> 00:46:52,268
I'll thank you properly
later on.
607
00:46:52,351 --> 00:46:54,399
Corporal Sturridge got this
for you as well, sir.
608
00:46:54,478 --> 00:46:56,480
He didn't know
about the others.
609
00:46:56,564 --> 00:46:59,488
It's Swiss. Well, now, that
is thoughtful, Sturridge.
610
00:46:59,567 --> 00:47:01,990
Good man.
And there's a card, sir.
611
00:47:02,111 --> 00:47:05,911
From all of us,
sorry about the blood, sir.
612
00:47:06,240 --> 00:47:07,241
Thank you all.
613
00:47:07,325 --> 00:47:10,374
Squad! Three cheers
for Captain Biggs.
614
00:47:10,453 --> 00:47:11,830
Hip, hip.
ALL: Hooray!
615
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:13,585
Hip, hip.
Hooray!
616
00:47:13,706 --> 00:47:15,458
(GU N FIRING)
Hip, hip...
617
00:47:15,541 --> 00:47:17,043
Blackitt! Blackitt!
618
00:47:17,126 --> 00:47:20,005
I'll be all right, sir. There's
just one other thing, sir.
619
00:47:20,129 --> 00:47:22,473
Spadger, give him the check. Oh, yeah.
620
00:47:22,548 --> 00:47:24,642
Oh, no, this is
really going too far.
621
00:47:24,884 --> 00:47:28,184
I don't seem to be able to find it,
sir, be in number four trench.
622
00:47:28,262 --> 00:47:30,435
For Christ's sake,
forget it, man.
623
00:47:31,932 --> 00:47:34,276
You shouldn't
have said that, sir.
624
00:47:35,102 --> 00:47:36,729
You've hurt his feelings, now.
625
00:47:36,812 --> 00:47:38,655
Don't mind me, Spadge.
626
00:47:38,773 --> 00:47:43,244
Toffs is all the same. One minute,
it's all please and thank you.
627
00:47:43,444 --> 00:47:46,448
The next, they'll kick
you in the teeth. Yeah.
628
00:47:46,530 --> 00:47:49,579
Let's not give him the cake.
I don't want any cake.
629
00:47:49,658 --> 00:47:52,207
Look, Blackitt cooked it
especially for you, you bastard.
630
00:47:52,286 --> 00:47:54,835
Yeah, he saved his rations
for six weeks, sir.
631
00:47:54,955 --> 00:47:56,298
I don't mean
to be ungrateful.
632
00:47:56,332 --> 00:47:58,334
(GU N FIRING)
I'll be all right...
633
00:47:58,417 --> 00:48:01,011
Blackie! Blackie!
634
00:48:01,087 --> 00:48:04,887
Look at him! He worked on that cake
like no one else I've ever known.
635
00:48:04,965 --> 00:48:06,763
Some nights it was so cold
we could hardly move
636
00:48:06,842 --> 00:48:08,219
but Blackitt
would be out there,
637
00:48:08,302 --> 00:48:11,226
slicing the lemons,
mixing the sugar and almonds.
638
00:48:11,305 --> 00:48:15,435
I mean, you try getting butter to
melt at 15 degrees below zero.
639
00:48:15,518 --> 00:48:20,649
There's love in that cake, this man's
love and this man's care and...
640
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,108
(GU N FIRING)
641
00:48:22,483 --> 00:48:25,828
Oh, my Christ!
You bastard.
642
00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:30,996
All right, we will eat the cake.
They're right.
643
00:48:31,158 --> 00:48:33,581
It's too good a cake
not to eat.
644
00:48:33,661 --> 00:48:35,004
Get the plates
and knives, Walters.
645
00:48:35,079 --> 00:48:36,331
Yes, sir.
How many plates?
646
00:48:36,414 --> 00:48:37,586
Six.
647
00:48:37,665 --> 00:48:39,042
(GU N FIRING)
648
00:48:39,583 --> 00:48:42,302
Oh, better make it five.
Tablecloth, sir?
649
00:48:42,378 --> 00:48:44,847
Yes, get the tablecloth.
650
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:47,888
No, no,
I'll get the tablecloth.
651
00:48:47,967 --> 00:48:49,560
You better get
the gate leg table, Hordern.
652
00:48:49,635 --> 00:48:50,932
(GU N FIRING)
653
00:48:51,011 --> 00:48:53,184
And the little lamp, sir?
Yes.
654
00:48:53,264 --> 00:48:55,892
Oh, and while you're at it,
you'd better get a doily.
655
00:48:55,975 --> 00:48:58,023
I'll bring two, sir,
in case one gets crumpled.
656
00:48:58,102 --> 00:48:59,445
Okay!
657
00:49:03,065 --> 00:49:06,615
But, of course, warfare isn't all fun.
Right. Stop that.
658
00:49:06,861 --> 00:49:08,579
It's all very well
to laugh at the military,
659
00:49:08,696 --> 00:49:10,619
but when one considers
the meaning of life,
660
00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:14,328
it is a struggle between alternative
viewpoints of life itself.
661
00:49:14,535 --> 00:49:17,209
Without the ability to
defend one's own viewpoint,
662
00:49:17,288 --> 00:49:19,632
against other perhaps
more aggressive ideologies,
663
00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:23,753
then reasonableness and moderation
could quite simply disappear.
664
00:49:24,462 --> 00:49:27,056
That is why we'll always need an army.
665
00:49:27,131 --> 00:49:29,634
May God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.
666
00:49:34,221 --> 00:49:36,315
Don't stand there gawping,
667
00:49:36,390 --> 00:49:39,109
like you've never seen
the hand of God before!
668
00:49:39,185 --> 00:49:43,656
Now, today we're going to do
marching up and down the square.
669
00:49:43,731 --> 00:49:48,111
That is, unless any of you
got anything better to do.
670
00:49:48,319 --> 00:49:50,663
Well?
671
00:49:50,738 --> 00:49:52,866
Anyone got anything
they'd rather be doing,
672
00:49:52,948 --> 00:49:57,124
than marching up and down
the square?
673
00:49:58,871 --> 00:50:01,294
Yes! Atkinson.
674
00:50:03,584 --> 00:50:08,590
What would you
rather be doing, Atkinson?
675
00:50:08,672 --> 00:50:12,393
Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd
rather be home with the wife and kids.
676
00:50:14,178 --> 00:50:16,272
Would you now?
677
00:50:16,430 --> 00:50:19,274
Yes, Sarge.
Right. Off you go.
678
00:50:19,934 --> 00:50:21,732
Now,
679
00:50:21,810 --> 00:50:24,609
everybody else happy
with my little plan,
680
00:50:24,939 --> 00:50:27,533
of marching up and down
the square a bit?
681
00:50:27,608 --> 00:50:28,985
Sarge?
Yes?
682
00:50:29,068 --> 00:50:30,695
I've got a book
I'd quite like to read.
683
00:50:30,778 --> 00:50:32,030
Go read your book then.
684
00:50:32,112 --> 00:50:33,364
Now!
685
00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:38,794
Everybody else
quite content to join in
686
00:50:38,953 --> 00:50:42,298
with my little scheme
of marching
687
00:50:42,414 --> 00:50:45,133
up and down the square?
688
00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:46,756
Sarge?
689
00:50:46,835 --> 00:50:48,883
Yes, Wyclif,
what is it?
690
00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:52,550
Well, I'm learning the piano.
691
00:50:52,633 --> 00:50:54,635
Learning the piano?
692
00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:57,354
Yes, Sarge.
And I suppose
693
00:50:57,429 --> 00:51:00,273
you want to go practice, eh?
694
00:51:00,349 --> 00:51:04,354
Marching up and down the square
not good enough for you, eh?
695
00:51:04,436 --> 00:51:06,939
Well...
Right! Off you go!
696
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:10,117
Now, what about
the rest of you?
697
00:51:11,485 --> 00:51:15,080
Rather be at the pictures,
I suppose.
698
00:51:15,781 --> 00:51:17,328
(ALL MUTTERING)
699
00:51:17,700 --> 00:51:19,998
All right! Off you go!
700
00:51:23,497 --> 00:51:25,420
Bloody army. I don't know
what it's coming to.
701
00:51:25,499 --> 00:51:28,252
Right. Sergeant Major marching
up and down the square.
702
00:51:28,335 --> 00:51:30,212
Left, right, left.
703
00:51:30,296 --> 00:51:32,094
NARRATOR 2:
Democracy and humanitarianism
704
00:51:32,172 --> 00:51:34,425
have always been trademarks
of the British Army.
705
00:51:34,508 --> 00:51:35,851
SERGEANT MAJOR: Rubbish!
Shh!
706
00:51:35,926 --> 00:51:40,147
And have stamped its triumph in the
furthest-flung corners of the Empire.
707
00:51:40,556 --> 00:51:40,931
(ALL GRUNTING)
708
00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:42,057
(ALL GRUNTING)
709
00:51:42,182 --> 00:51:43,354
(PEOPLE ULULATING)
710
00:51:43,434 --> 00:51:45,027
(BUGLE SOUNDING)
711
00:51:45,311 --> 00:51:46,813
(GU NS FIRING)
712
00:51:57,197 --> 00:52:00,497
But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done,
713
00:52:00,659 --> 00:52:04,539
it has always been the calm
leadership of the officer class
714
00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:07,375
that has made the British Army
what it is.
715
00:52:42,409 --> 00:52:44,286
Excuse me.
716
00:52:50,918 --> 00:52:53,216
Morning, Ainsworth.
Morning, Pakenham.
717
00:52:53,462 --> 00:52:56,841
Sleep well? Not bad.
Bitten to shreds, though.
718
00:52:56,924 --> 00:52:58,847
Must be that hole in
the bloody mosquito net.
719
00:52:58,926 --> 00:53:02,180
Yes, savage little blighters,
aren't they?
720
00:53:02,262 --> 00:53:04,230
Excuse me, sir.
Yes, Chadwick?
721
00:53:04,306 --> 00:53:06,980
I'm afraid Perkins got rather
badly bitten during the night.
722
00:53:07,059 --> 00:53:08,527
Well, so did we.
723
00:53:08,602 --> 00:53:10,775
Yes, but I do think
Doctor ought to see him.
724
00:53:11,438 --> 00:53:14,817
Well, go and fetch him then.
Right you are, sir.
725
00:53:14,900 --> 00:53:17,028
Suppose I'd better go along.
Coming, Pakenham?
726
00:53:17,111 --> 00:53:19,534
Yes, I suppose so.
727
00:53:19,613 --> 00:53:22,457
Here, now.
Come on, boy.
728
00:53:23,242 --> 00:53:24,710
(GU NS FIRING)
729
00:53:24,785 --> 00:53:26,628
(U LU LATING CONTIN U ES)
730
00:53:29,123 --> 00:53:30,500
(SCREAMING)
731
00:53:31,542 --> 00:53:33,590
Morning, Perkins.
732
00:53:33,669 --> 00:53:36,468
Morning, sir. What's
all the trouble, then?
733
00:53:36,714 --> 00:53:39,433
Bitten, sir.
During the night.
734
00:53:39,508 --> 00:53:40,725
Oh?
735
00:53:40,801 --> 00:53:43,054
The whole leg gone, eh?
Yes.
736
00:53:44,012 --> 00:53:45,605
How's it feel?
737
00:53:45,639 --> 00:53:49,314
Stings a bit. Well, it
would, wouldn't it?
738
00:53:49,393 --> 00:53:53,114
That's quite a bite
you've got there.
739
00:53:53,188 --> 00:53:55,236
Yes. A real beauty,
isn't it?
740
00:53:55,315 --> 00:53:56,817
Any idea how
it happened?
741
00:53:56,900 --> 00:53:59,369
None whatsoever.
Complete mystery to me.
742
00:53:59,445 --> 00:54:02,540
Woke up just now,
one sock too many.
743
00:54:02,656 --> 00:54:04,408
You must have a hell
of a hole in your net.
744
00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:05,913
We've sent
for the doctor.
745
00:54:05,993 --> 00:54:09,042
Hardly worth it, is it?
Yes. Better safe than sorry.
746
00:54:09,163 --> 00:54:13,293
Yes. Good Lord, look at this.
By Jove! That's enormous.
747
00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:15,844
You don't think
it'll come back, do you?
748
00:54:15,919 --> 00:54:17,136
For more, you mean?
749
00:54:17,212 --> 00:54:18,680
You're right. We'd better
get this stitched.
750
00:54:18,756 --> 00:54:20,429
Right.
Hello, Doc!
751
00:54:20,507 --> 00:54:24,887
Morning. I came as fast as I could.
Is something up?
752
00:54:24,970 --> 00:54:29,771
Yes. During the night, old Perkins
got his leg bitten sort of off.
753
00:54:30,225 --> 00:54:33,104
Oh, yeah.
Been in the wars, have we?
754
00:54:33,187 --> 00:54:34,279
Yes.
755
00:54:34,354 --> 00:54:36,903
Any headache?
Bowels all right?
756
00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:41,119
Well, let's have a look at this
one leg of yours, then, eh?
757
00:54:42,362 --> 00:54:44,785
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
758
00:54:44,865 --> 00:54:49,712
Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well,
this is nothing to worry about.
759
00:54:50,037 --> 00:54:53,132
Oh, good. There's a lot of it about.
Probably a virus.
760
00:54:53,207 --> 00:54:56,211
Keep warm, plenty of rest and if
you're playing football or anything,
761
00:54:56,376 --> 00:54:58,049
try and favor
the other leg.
762
00:54:58,128 --> 00:54:59,846
Oh, righto.
763
00:54:59,922 --> 00:55:01,924
As right as rain
in a couple of days.
764
00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:03,850
Oh. Thanks for
the reassurance, Doc.
765
00:55:03,926 --> 00:55:05,724
Not at all.
That's what I'm here for.
766
00:55:05,803 --> 00:55:08,272
Any other problems
I can reassure you about?
767
00:55:08,347 --> 00:55:09,644
No, I'm fine.
768
00:55:09,723 --> 00:55:11,976
Jolly good.
Well, must be off.
769
00:55:12,142 --> 00:55:15,646
So it'll just grow back again,
then, will it?
770
00:55:16,730 --> 00:55:17,902
Uh...
771
00:55:19,024 --> 00:55:22,278
I think I'd better come
clean with you about this.
772
00:55:22,361 --> 00:55:25,956
It's not a virus,
I'm afraid.
773
00:55:26,031 --> 00:55:30,002
You see, a virus is what we
doctors call very, very small,
774
00:55:30,077 --> 00:55:33,672
so small it could not possibly
have made off with a whole leg.
775
00:55:33,747 --> 00:55:36,500
What we're looking for, and this
is no more than an educated guess,
776
00:55:36,583 --> 00:55:37,835
I'd like to make that clear,
777
00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:40,171
is some multi-cellular life-form
778
00:55:40,254 --> 00:55:44,680
with stripes, huge, razor-sharp
teeth, about 11 -foot long
779
00:55:44,758 --> 00:55:47,181
and of the genus
Felis Horribilis.
780
00:55:47,261 --> 00:55:51,141
What we doctors,
in fact, call a tiger.
781
00:55:51,306 --> 00:55:53,149
ALL: A tiger?
782
00:55:53,225 --> 00:55:55,148
ALL: A tiger?
783
00:55:55,477 --> 00:55:57,150
(PEOPLE ULULATING)
784
00:55:59,064 --> 00:56:01,192
A tiger in Africa?
Hmm?
785
00:56:01,275 --> 00:56:02,993
A tiger in Africa!
786
00:56:05,112 --> 00:56:07,365
Ah, well, it's probably
escaped from a zoo.
787
00:56:07,447 --> 00:56:08,744
Doesn't sound
very likely to me.
788
00:56:08,824 --> 00:56:11,202
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
SOLDIER: Sir! Sir!
789
00:56:11,285 --> 00:56:13,879
The attack's over, sir.
The Zulus are retreating.
790
00:56:13,954 --> 00:56:15,080
Oh, jolly good.
791
00:56:15,163 --> 00:56:16,881
Quite a lot of
casualties, sir.
792
00:56:16,957 --> 00:56:18,959
C-division wiped out.
Signals gone.
793
00:56:19,084 --> 00:56:21,052
Thirty men killed in F-section.
Yes, I see.
794
00:56:21,128 --> 00:56:23,756
I should think about
150 men altogether, sir.
795
00:56:23,839 --> 00:56:25,056
Jolly good.
796
00:56:25,132 --> 00:56:26,349
I haven't got
the final figures,
797
00:56:26,425 --> 00:56:28,519
but there's a lot of seriously
wounded in the compound...
798
00:56:28,594 --> 00:56:32,315
Yes, well, the thing is, Sergeant,
I've got a bit of a problem here.
799
00:56:34,266 --> 00:56:37,065
One of the officers
has lost a leg.
800
00:56:37,144 --> 00:56:39,693
Oh, no, sir!
I'm afraid so.
801
00:56:39,771 --> 00:56:42,069
Probably a tiger.
In Africa?
802
00:56:42,149 --> 00:56:43,275
(MUMBLING)
803
00:56:43,358 --> 00:56:47,238
The MO says we can stitch it back
on if we can find it immediately.
804
00:56:47,321 --> 00:56:49,619
Right, sir.
I'll organize a party.
805
00:56:49,698 --> 00:56:52,326
It's hardly the time
for that, Sergeant.
806
00:56:52,409 --> 00:56:56,130
A search party.
Much better idea.
807
00:56:56,955 --> 00:56:58,548
(BUGLE SOUNDING)
808
00:56:58,832 --> 00:57:00,584
(SOLDIERS GROANING)
809
00:57:01,043 --> 00:57:02,260
Sorry about the mess, sir.
810
00:57:02,336 --> 00:57:05,055
We'll try and get it cleared
up by the time you get back.
811
00:57:05,130 --> 00:57:07,224
We showed 'em, didn't we, sir?
Yes.
812
00:57:07,299 --> 00:57:09,722
Here. We got a search party.
Leave that alone.
813
00:57:09,801 --> 00:57:12,600
All this killing, bloodshed.
Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?
814
00:57:12,679 --> 00:57:13,771
Yes, very good.
815
00:57:13,847 --> 00:57:14,939
SOLDIER: Morning, sir.
816
00:57:15,015 --> 00:57:16,392
Nasty wound
you've got there, fella.
817
00:57:16,475 --> 00:57:18,318
Thank you very much, sir.
818
00:57:18,977 --> 00:57:21,446
Come on, Private.
Making up a search party.
819
00:57:23,482 --> 00:57:25,450
Better than staying home,
isn't it?
820
00:57:25,525 --> 00:57:27,744
I mean, at home if you kill
someone, they arrest you.
821
00:57:27,819 --> 00:57:30,572
Here, they give you a gun
and show you what to do, sir.
822
00:57:30,656 --> 00:57:35,412
I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers, sir.
At home, they'd hang me.
823
00:57:35,494 --> 00:57:37,872
Here, they'll give me
a fucking medal, sir.
824
00:57:40,666 --> 00:57:42,464
(INSECTS CHITTERING)
825
00:57:53,387 --> 00:57:55,014
(CLEARING THROAT)
826
00:57:55,097 --> 00:57:58,192
Sorry, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
827
00:58:15,993 --> 00:58:17,916
Look!
828
00:58:19,287 --> 00:58:21,415
My God! It's huge!
829
00:58:24,334 --> 00:58:25,506
(TIGER GROWLING)
830
00:58:29,381 --> 00:58:31,099
(MON KEYS SCREECHING)
831
00:58:31,258 --> 00:58:33,932
Don't shoot. Don't shoot.
We're not a tiger.
832
00:58:35,429 --> 00:58:37,727
We were just...
833
00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:40,271
Why are you dressed
as a tiger?
834
00:58:42,602 --> 00:58:44,604
Oh, why, why, why?
835
00:58:44,688 --> 00:58:46,361
Isn't it a lovely
day today?
836
00:58:46,440 --> 00:58:49,740
Answer the question.
Oh, we were just...
837
00:58:49,818 --> 00:58:53,743
Well, actually, we're dressed
like this because...
838
00:58:54,614 --> 00:58:56,332
Oh, no, that's not it.
839
00:58:56,408 --> 00:58:59,161
Oh, we did it for a laugh. Part of a spree.
High spirits.
840
00:58:59,244 --> 00:59:02,043
Simple as that.
Nothing more to it.
841
00:59:02,372 --> 00:59:05,342
Well, actually, we're on a mission
for British Intelligence.
842
00:59:05,667 --> 00:59:08,170
There's a pro-czarist
Asante chief...
843
00:59:08,253 --> 00:59:10,176
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
844
00:59:10,255 --> 00:59:12,428
No, no, no, no. We're doing
it for an advertisement.
845
00:59:12,507 --> 00:59:14,851
Ah, that's it.
Forget about the Russians.
846
00:59:14,926 --> 00:59:17,554
We're doing an advert
for Tiger Brand Coffee.
847
00:59:17,637 --> 00:59:19,230
"Tiger Brand Coffee
is a real treat.
848
00:59:19,306 --> 00:59:21,775
"Even tigers prefer
a cup of it to real meat."
849
00:59:21,850 --> 00:59:24,228
Now, look...
All right, all right.
850
00:59:24,311 --> 00:59:27,611
We are dressed as a tiger because he
had an auntie who did it in 1839.
851
00:59:27,689 --> 00:59:30,909
This is the 50th anniversary.
No. We're doing it for a bet.
852
00:59:30,984 --> 00:59:31,985
God told us to do it.
853
00:59:32,069 --> 00:59:34,822
To tell the truth,
we are completely mad.
854
00:59:34,905 --> 00:59:37,283
We're inmates of a Bengali
psychiatric institution,
855
00:59:37,365 --> 00:59:42,087
and we escaped by making this skin
out of old used cereal packets.
856
00:59:42,162 --> 00:59:44,460
PERKINS: It doesn't matter!
What?
857
00:59:44,539 --> 00:59:48,165
It doesn't matter why
they're dressed as a tiger.
858
00:59:48,191 --> 00:59:49,786
Have they got my leg?
859
00:59:49,836 --> 00:59:52,510
Good thinking.
Well, have you?
860
00:59:52,589 --> 00:59:54,933
Actually...
Yes?
861
00:59:55,008 --> 00:59:57,181
We were thinking of
training as taxidermists.
862
00:59:57,260 --> 00:59:59,308
We wanted to get the feel of it
from the animal's point of view.
863
00:59:59,387 --> 01:00:00,434
Be quiet!
864
01:00:00,514 --> 01:00:02,937
Now look,
we're just asking you
865
01:00:03,016 --> 01:00:04,939
if you've got
this man's leg.
866
01:00:05,685 --> 01:00:07,983
A wooden leg?
No, no, a proper leg.
867
01:00:08,063 --> 01:00:13,115
He was fast asleep, and someone or
something came in and removed it.
868
01:00:14,027 --> 01:00:15,700
Without waking him up?
869
01:00:18,031 --> 01:00:20,250
Yes.
I don't believe you.
870
01:00:20,325 --> 01:00:23,044
We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.
871
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:24,963
The owner wanted it
taken to Dar Es Salaam.
872
01:00:25,038 --> 01:00:26,005
Shut up!
873
01:00:26,081 --> 01:00:29,756
Now look, have you or
have you not got his leg?
874
01:00:29,918 --> 01:00:33,764
Yes. No. No, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no.
875
01:00:35,257 --> 01:00:37,851
Why did you say yes?
I didn't.
876
01:00:37,926 --> 01:00:39,553
I'm not talking to you.
877
01:00:41,555 --> 01:00:42,898
Um...
878
01:00:44,057 --> 01:00:45,309
Um...
879
01:00:47,018 --> 01:00:48,941
Right. Search the thicket.
880
01:00:49,312 --> 01:00:51,690
Oh, come on.
I mean, do we look like
881
01:00:51,773 --> 01:00:53,571
the sort of chaps who'd
creep into a camp at night,
882
01:00:53,650 --> 01:00:56,574
steal into someone's tent,
anaesthetize them, tissue-type them,
883
01:00:56,653 --> 01:00:58,906
amputate a leg
and run away with it?
884
01:00:59,447 --> 01:01:01,074
Search the thicket.
885
01:01:01,366 --> 01:01:03,869
Oh, leg!
You're looking for a leg!
886
01:01:03,952 --> 01:01:06,205
Actually, I think there
is one there somewhere.
887
01:01:06,288 --> 01:01:08,131
Somebody must have
abandoned it here,
888
01:01:08,206 --> 01:01:09,879
knowing you were
coming after it.
889
01:01:09,958 --> 01:01:11,881
We stumbled across it, actually,
and wondered what it was.
890
01:01:11,960 --> 01:01:13,212
They'll be miles away
by now.
891
01:01:13,295 --> 01:01:16,765
We'll have to take
all the blame.
892
01:01:17,215 --> 01:01:21,436
Hello, good evening and welcome
to The Middle of the Film.
893
01:01:28,268 --> 01:01:30,862
Hello and welcome
to The Middle of the Film,
894
01:01:30,937 --> 01:01:33,690
the moment where we take a break
and invite you, the audience,
895
01:01:33,773 --> 01:01:37,277
to join us, the filmmakers,
in Find the Fish.
896
01:01:38,612 --> 01:01:40,831
We're going to show you
a scene from another film
897
01:01:40,906 --> 01:01:43,659
and ask you to guess
where the fish is.
898
01:01:43,742 --> 01:01:46,495
But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.
899
01:01:46,578 --> 01:01:48,956
Yell out so that all the
cinema can hear you.
900
01:01:49,039 --> 01:01:52,088
So here we are
with Find the Fish.
901
01:02:01,760 --> 01:02:05,560
I wonder
where that fish has gone.
902
01:02:05,639 --> 01:02:07,562
You did love it so.
903
01:02:07,641 --> 01:02:10,690
You looked after it
like a son.
904
01:02:10,769 --> 01:02:15,070
And it went
wherever I did go.
905
01:02:15,148 --> 01:02:18,778
Is it in the cupboard?
AU DIENCE: Yes! No!
906
01:02:18,860 --> 01:02:23,206
Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.
907
01:02:23,281 --> 01:02:28,082
And it went
wherever I did go.
908
01:02:28,161 --> 01:02:32,541
MAN: It's behind the sofa!
Where can that fish be?
909
01:02:32,749 --> 01:02:35,172
MAN 2: Have you thought of
the drawers in the bureau?
910
01:02:35,252 --> 01:02:38,347
It is a most
elusive fish.
911
01:02:38,421 --> 01:02:42,597
And it went
wherever I did go.
912
01:02:42,676 --> 01:02:46,852
Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish.
913
01:02:46,930 --> 01:02:51,527
Fish, fish, fishy, oh!
914
01:02:51,601 --> 01:02:56,528
Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish!
915
01:02:56,606 --> 01:03:00,736
That went
wherever I did go.
916
01:03:00,860 --> 01:03:04,410
MAN 3: Look up his trunk! MAN 4: Yeah!
It's in his trousers!
917
01:03:04,489 --> 01:03:06,867
That was terrific!
Great! Yeah!
918
01:03:06,950 --> 01:03:10,545
Best bit so far.
Fantastic! Really great!
919
01:03:10,620 --> 01:03:12,873
Really risky, yeah.
920
01:03:16,376 --> 01:03:20,051
They haven't said much about the
meaning of life so far, have they?
921
01:03:20,171 --> 01:03:22,640
Well, it's been building up to it.
Has it?
922
01:03:22,716 --> 01:03:25,640
Yeah, I expect
they'll get onto it now.
923
01:03:25,719 --> 01:03:27,437
Personally, I doubt
924
01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:30,140
they're going to say anything
about the meaning of life at all.
925
01:03:30,223 --> 01:03:31,941
Oh, come on.
They've gotta say something.
926
01:03:32,017 --> 01:03:33,269
They're bound to.
927
01:03:33,351 --> 01:03:35,228
Yeah.
928
01:03:38,315 --> 01:03:40,363
What do you think
the next bit will be?
929
01:03:40,442 --> 01:03:41,443
Caption, I expect.
930
01:03:41,526 --> 01:03:43,758
What, about the next
stage of life, you mean?
931
01:03:43,784 --> 01:03:44,851
Oh, yeah. Here we go.
932
01:03:45,113 --> 01:03:46,456
NARRATOR: Middle Age.
933
01:03:46,531 --> 01:03:48,283
FISH: Could've guessed it.
934
01:03:53,913 --> 01:03:56,041
That's much better.
Thank you, honey.
935
01:03:56,124 --> 01:03:57,341
You're welcome.
936
01:03:59,169 --> 01:04:00,842
It was all sort of
misty before.
937
01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:01,921
(CAMERA CLICKING)
938
01:04:02,005 --> 01:04:05,179
That's fine.
Hey! How are you?
939
01:04:05,258 --> 01:04:06,680
Oh, we're just fine.
940
01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:09,138
What kind of food you
like to eat this evening?
941
01:04:09,220 --> 01:04:11,348
Well, we sort of
like pineapple.
942
01:04:11,431 --> 01:04:13,354
Yeah, we love pineapple.
943
01:04:13,433 --> 01:04:16,312
Yeah, anything with pineapple
in is great for us.
944
01:04:16,394 --> 01:04:18,943
Well, how 'bout
the dungeon room?
945
01:04:19,022 --> 01:04:20,524
Oh, that sounds fine.
946
01:04:20,607 --> 01:04:22,655
Sure is.
It's real Hawaiian food,
947
01:04:22,734 --> 01:04:27,205
served in an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere.
948
01:04:28,114 --> 01:04:29,661
(MAN GROANING)
949
01:04:31,659 --> 01:04:34,128
(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)
950
01:04:36,623 --> 01:04:38,125
(MAN GROANING)
951
01:04:42,754 --> 01:04:45,257
Isn't this nice?
How are ya?
952
01:04:47,092 --> 01:04:50,312
Take a little Kodak. Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
953
01:04:52,639 --> 01:04:53,640
(SCATTING)
954
01:04:53,723 --> 01:04:55,225
(MAN GROANING)
955
01:04:55,725 --> 01:04:57,193
(MUSIC STOPS)
956
01:05:04,818 --> 01:05:08,038
Good evening. Would you care
for something to talk about?
957
01:05:08,113 --> 01:05:10,036
Oh, that would
be wonderful.
958
01:05:10,115 --> 01:05:12,538
Our special tonight
is minorities.
959
01:05:12,617 --> 01:05:14,745
Oh, that sounds
real interesting.
960
01:05:14,828 --> 01:05:18,332
What's this conversation here?
That's football.
961
01:05:18,415 --> 01:05:20,759
You can talk about the
Steelers-Bears game Saturday,
962
01:05:20,834 --> 01:05:24,213
or you could reminisce about
really great World Series.
963
01:05:24,295 --> 01:05:26,673
No, no, no.
What is this one here?
964
01:05:26,756 --> 01:05:30,511
That's philosophy.
Is that a sport?
965
01:05:31,010 --> 01:05:33,183
No, it's more of an attempt
966
01:05:33,263 --> 01:05:37,188
to construct a viable hypothesis
to explain the meaning of life.
967
01:05:37,267 --> 01:05:40,362
What was that?
What's he saying?
968
01:05:40,437 --> 01:05:42,280
Oh, that sounds wonderful.
969
01:05:42,355 --> 01:05:45,199
Would you like to talk about
the meaning of life, darling?
970
01:05:45,817 --> 01:05:47,364
Sure. Why not?
971
01:05:47,444 --> 01:05:49,572
Philosophy for two?
Right.
972
01:05:49,654 --> 01:05:51,577
Room?
259.
973
01:05:51,656 --> 01:05:53,875
259.
Yeah.
974
01:05:53,950 --> 01:05:56,794
(STAMMERING)
How do we...
975
01:05:56,870 --> 01:05:59,123
Oh, you folks
want me to start you off?
976
01:05:59,205 --> 01:06:00,627
We'd appreciate that.
977
01:06:00,707 --> 01:06:04,052
Okay! Well, look.
978
01:06:04,127 --> 01:06:07,301
Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?
979
01:06:09,215 --> 01:06:12,310
Well, we went to Miami last year
and California the year before...
980
01:06:12,385 --> 01:06:16,060
No, no, no. I mean, why
we're here, on this planet.
981
01:06:19,517 --> 01:06:20,564
No.
982
01:06:20,643 --> 01:06:24,864
Right. You ever wanted to
know what it's all about?
983
01:06:25,064 --> 01:06:26,532
Nope.
984
01:06:26,816 --> 01:06:29,820
Righty-ho! Well,
985
01:06:29,903 --> 01:06:32,497
see, throughout history, there've
been certain men and women,
986
01:06:32,572 --> 01:06:36,748
who've tried to find the solution
to the mysteries of existence.
987
01:06:37,076 --> 01:06:38,077
Great!
988
01:06:38,161 --> 01:06:40,084
And we call these guys
philosophers.
989
01:06:40,205 --> 01:06:42,424
Oh! And that's what we're talking about.
990
01:06:42,499 --> 01:06:44,547
Right!
Oh, that's neat.
991
01:06:44,626 --> 01:06:46,469
Well, you look like
you're getting the idea,
992
01:06:46,544 --> 01:06:49,172
so why don't I give you
these conversation cards.
993
01:06:49,255 --> 01:06:51,679
They'll tell you a little
about philosophical
994
01:06:51,705 --> 01:06:53,706
method, names of
famous philosophers.
995
01:06:53,760 --> 01:06:56,354
There you are.
Have a nice conversation.
996
01:06:56,429 --> 01:06:58,352
Oh, thank you
very much.
997
01:06:58,431 --> 01:07:01,526
He's cute.
Yeah, real understanding.
998
01:07:01,601 --> 01:07:05,947
Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer
was a philosopher.
999
01:07:07,315 --> 01:07:10,945
Oh, yeah. He's the one
that begins with an "S."
1000
01:07:13,821 --> 01:07:15,118
Oh.
1001
01:07:17,909 --> 01:07:19,502
Like Nietzsche.
1002
01:07:21,454 --> 01:07:23,422
Does Nietzsche
begin with an "S"?
1003
01:07:25,333 --> 01:07:28,052
There's an "S" in Nietzsche.
1004
01:07:29,712 --> 01:07:31,965
Oh, well, yes, there is.
1005
01:07:32,882 --> 01:07:35,135
Do all philosophers
have an "S" in them?
1006
01:07:35,593 --> 01:07:37,846
Yeah. I think most of them do.
1007
01:07:38,429 --> 01:07:42,855
Oh. Does that mean Salena
Jones is a philosopher?
1008
01:07:43,434 --> 01:07:46,153
Yeah! Right! She could be.
1009
01:07:46,437 --> 01:07:48,531
She sings about
the meaning of life.
1010
01:07:48,648 --> 01:07:53,495
Yeah. That's right, but I don't
think she writes her own material.
1011
01:07:53,570 --> 01:07:57,575
No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer
writes her material.
1012
01:07:57,991 --> 01:08:00,335
No. Burt Bacharach writes it.
1013
01:08:01,703 --> 01:08:03,626
There's no "S"
in Burt Bacharach.
1014
01:08:04,372 --> 01:08:05,965
Or in Hal David.
1015
01:08:07,083 --> 01:08:08,676
Who's Hal David?
1016
01:08:09,085 --> 01:08:12,180
He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.
1017
01:08:12,255 --> 01:08:15,850
Only now, he's married
to Carole Bayer Sager.
1018
01:08:19,137 --> 01:08:22,016
Waiter? This conversation
isn't very good.
1019
01:08:22,098 --> 01:08:27,229
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We do have one
today that's not on the menu.
1020
01:08:27,312 --> 01:08:29,280
It's sort of a specialty
of the house, you know?
1021
01:08:29,355 --> 01:08:31,323
Live organ transplants.
1022
01:08:32,275 --> 01:08:34,744
Live organ transplants?
What's that?
1023
01:08:37,030 --> 01:08:41,456
NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part five.
Live organ transplants.
1024
01:08:42,493 --> 01:08:44,166
(DOORBELL RINGING)
1025
01:08:44,412 --> 01:08:46,710
Don't worry, dear.
I'll get it.
1026
01:08:46,789 --> 01:08:48,132
(COUGHING)
1027
01:08:48,249 --> 01:08:50,468
(HAVA NAGILA PLAYING)
1028
01:08:54,172 --> 01:08:56,846
Yes?
Hello. Can we have your liver?
1029
01:08:57,634 --> 01:08:59,477
What?
Your liver.
1030
01:09:00,511 --> 01:09:03,685
It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.
1031
01:09:05,558 --> 01:09:08,232
You know, it's reddish-brown,
it's sort of...
1032
01:09:08,311 --> 01:09:12,407
Yeah, yeah, I know what
it is, but I'm using it.
1033
01:09:14,734 --> 01:09:17,954
Come on, sir. Don't muck us about.
Hey, hey, hey!
1034
01:09:18,905 --> 01:09:20,327
Hello!
1035
01:09:22,575 --> 01:09:25,169
What's this, then?
A liver donor's card.
1036
01:09:25,244 --> 01:09:27,246
Need we say more?
No.
1037
01:09:27,330 --> 01:09:31,130
Listen, I can't give it to you now.
It says, "In the event of death."
1038
01:09:31,209 --> 01:09:32,426
My God!
1039
01:09:32,502 --> 01:09:36,132
No one has ever had their liver
taken out by us and survived.
1040
01:09:36,214 --> 01:09:38,467
Just lie there, sir.
It won't take a minute.
1041
01:09:38,633 --> 01:09:40,351
(SCREAMING)
1042
01:09:52,897 --> 01:09:54,865
Here. What's going on?
1043
01:09:54,941 --> 01:09:56,739
He's donating
his liver, madam.
1044
01:09:58,111 --> 01:10:01,035
Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?
1045
01:10:01,114 --> 01:10:04,038
That's right, madam.
Typical of him.
1046
01:10:04,117 --> 01:10:07,872
He goes down to the public
library, sees a few signs up,
1047
01:10:07,954 --> 01:10:10,377
comes home all full
of good intentions.
1048
01:10:11,124 --> 01:10:15,095
He gives blood, does cold
research, all that sort of thing.
1049
01:10:15,169 --> 01:10:16,546
(SCREAMING)
1050
01:10:19,132 --> 01:10:21,806
What do you do
with them all, anyway?
1051
01:10:21,884 --> 01:10:24,057
They all go to
saving lives, madam.
1052
01:10:24,137 --> 01:10:25,605
That's what
he used to say.
1053
01:10:25,680 --> 01:10:28,024
"It's all for the good of the
country," he used to say.
1054
01:10:28,099 --> 01:10:29,567
(MAN GASPING)
1055
01:10:29,642 --> 01:10:32,065
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
1056
01:10:32,228 --> 01:10:33,229
Hmm?
1057
01:10:33,312 --> 01:10:35,735
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
1058
01:10:35,815 --> 01:10:37,032
I wouldn't
know about that, madam.
1059
01:10:37,108 --> 01:10:38,826
We're just doing our jobs,
you know?
1060
01:10:38,943 --> 01:10:40,445
(MAN SCREAMING)
1061
01:10:41,320 --> 01:10:43,698
You're not doctors, then?
1062
01:10:44,532 --> 01:10:46,284
Oh, blimey, no.
1063
01:10:47,452 --> 01:10:49,830
Mum, Dad,
I'm off out now.
1064
01:10:49,912 --> 01:10:52,506
I'll see you about 7:00?
Righto, son.
1065
01:10:52,665 --> 01:10:54,588
Look after yourself.
1066
01:10:54,667 --> 01:10:56,169
(MAN SCREAMING)
1067
01:10:59,213 --> 01:11:02,308
You fancy
a cup of tea?
1068
01:11:03,134 --> 01:11:05,728
Oh, well, that'd be very nice. Thank you.
1069
01:11:06,304 --> 01:11:08,898
Thank you very much, madam. Thank you.
1070
01:11:10,641 --> 01:11:12,484
I thought
she'd never ask.
1071
01:11:16,731 --> 01:11:18,904
You do realize
1072
01:11:18,983 --> 01:11:23,830
he has to be, well, dead,
by the terms of the card,
1073
01:11:24,280 --> 01:11:26,248
before he donates his liver.
1074
01:11:26,657 --> 01:11:30,457
Well, I told him that, but he
never listens to me, silly man.
1075
01:11:30,536 --> 01:11:32,584
I mean,
I was wonderin'...
1076
01:11:33,414 --> 01:11:35,963
Well, you know, what you was
thinkin' of doin' after that.
1077
01:11:36,042 --> 01:11:38,886
I mean, will you stay
on your own?
1078
01:11:39,504 --> 01:11:43,850
Or is there, well,
someone else, sort of,
1079
01:11:45,718 --> 01:11:47,095
on the horizon?
1080
01:11:47,470 --> 01:11:50,770
I'm too old for that sort of thing.
I'm past my prime.
1081
01:11:50,848 --> 01:11:54,068
Not at all.
Very attractive woman.
1082
01:11:54,769 --> 01:11:58,273
Well, I'm certainly not thinking
of getting hitched up again.
1083
01:11:59,899 --> 01:12:01,617
Sure?
Sure.
1084
01:12:10,117 --> 01:12:13,838
Can we have your liver then?
I would be scared.
1085
01:12:13,955 --> 01:12:15,252
All right.
1086
01:12:16,791 --> 01:12:18,589
I'll tell you what.
1087
01:12:19,919 --> 01:12:21,262
Listen to this.
1088
01:12:21,921 --> 01:12:24,800
(SINGING) Whenever life
gets you down, Mrs. Brown
1089
01:12:25,049 --> 01:12:27,768
And things seem hard
or tough
1090
01:12:28,427 --> 01:12:32,728
And people are stupid,
obnoxious or daft
1091
01:12:33,307 --> 01:12:35,776
and you feel
that you've had
1092
01:12:36,227 --> 01:12:39,322
quite enough.
1093
01:12:42,441 --> 01:12:45,991
Just remember
that you're standing
1094
01:12:46,070 --> 01:12:48,323
On a planet
that's evolving
1095
01:12:48,406 --> 01:12:51,535
And revolving
at 900 miles an hour
1096
01:12:52,285 --> 01:12:56,335
It's orbiting at 19 miles
a second so it's reckoned
1097
01:12:56,414 --> 01:12:59,964
A sun that is the source
of all our power
1098
01:13:00,334 --> 01:13:03,838
The sun and you and me and all
the stars that we can see
1099
01:13:04,297 --> 01:13:07,801
Are moving
at a million miles a day
1100
01:13:08,175 --> 01:13:12,180
In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour
1101
01:13:12,263 --> 01:13:14,982
Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way
1102
01:13:24,108 --> 01:13:27,908
Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars
1103
01:13:27,987 --> 01:13:31,457
It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side
1104
01:13:32,116 --> 01:13:35,541
It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick
1105
01:13:35,620 --> 01:13:39,341
But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wide
1106
01:13:39,957 --> 01:13:43,632
We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point
1107
01:13:43,711 --> 01:13:47,215
We go round
every 200 million years
1108
01:13:47,757 --> 01:13:51,432
And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions
1109
01:13:51,510 --> 01:13:54,810
In this amazing
and expanding universe
1110
01:14:27,838 --> 01:14:31,763
The universe itself keeps
on expanding and expanding
1111
01:14:31,842 --> 01:14:35,187
In all of the directions
it can whizz
1112
01:14:35,721 --> 01:14:39,521
As fast as it can go
The speed of light, you know
1113
01:14:39,600 --> 01:14:43,104
Twelve million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there is
1114
01:14:43,187 --> 01:14:47,237
So remember when you're feeling
very small and insecure
1115
01:14:47,650 --> 01:14:51,245
How amazingly unlikely
is your birth
1116
01:14:51,570 --> 01:14:55,120
And pray that there's intelligent
life somewhere up in space
1117
01:14:55,199 --> 01:14:58,078
'Cause there's bugger all
down here on Earth
1118
01:15:01,080 --> 01:15:02,297
(SIGHS)
1119
01:15:03,708 --> 01:15:06,507
Makes you feel so, sort of
insignificant, doesn't it?
1120
01:15:06,585 --> 01:15:08,212
Yeah. Yeah.
1121
01:15:10,756 --> 01:15:12,554
Can we have
your liver, then?
1122
01:15:13,551 --> 01:15:14,848
Yeah, all right.
You talked me into it.
1123
01:15:14,927 --> 01:15:15,974
Eric!
1124
01:15:24,937 --> 01:15:28,191
Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realization
1125
01:15:28,274 --> 01:15:31,619
of just how much there is
still left to own.
1126
01:15:32,528 --> 01:15:37,455
Item six on the agenda,
the Meaning of Life.
1127
01:15:39,577 --> 01:15:42,330
Now, Harry, you've had
some thoughts on this.
1128
01:15:42,413 --> 01:15:45,508
I've had a team working on
this over the past few weeks,
1129
01:15:45,583 --> 01:15:50,134
and what we've come up with can be
reduced to two fundamental concepts.
1130
01:15:50,963 --> 01:15:53,682
One. People are not wearing enough hats.
1131
01:15:54,425 --> 01:15:56,974
Two. Matter is energy.
1132
01:15:57,386 --> 01:16:02,233
In the universe, there are many energy
fields which we cannot normally perceive.
1133
01:16:02,641 --> 01:16:07,272
Some energies have a spiritual source,
which act upon a person's soul.
1134
01:16:07,980 --> 01:16:11,610
However, this soul
does not exist ab initio,
1135
01:16:11,692 --> 01:16:14,366
as orthodox Christianity
teaches.
1136
01:16:14,820 --> 01:16:16,743
It has to be
brought into existence,
1137
01:16:16,822 --> 01:16:19,951
by a process of guided
self-observation.
1138
01:16:21,118 --> 01:16:24,543
However, this is rarely achieved,
owing to man's unique ability
1139
01:16:24,622 --> 01:16:28,877
to be distracted from spiritual
matters by everyday trivia.
1140
01:16:33,047 --> 01:16:35,345
What was that about
hats again?
1141
01:16:36,717 --> 01:16:38,936
Oh, people aren't
wearing enough.
1142
01:16:39,011 --> 01:16:40,433
Is this true?
1143
01:16:40,513 --> 01:16:42,561
Certainly.
Hat sales have increased,
1144
01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:44,142
but not pari passu,
as our research...
1145
01:16:44,225 --> 01:16:46,774
When you say "enough,"
enough for what purpose?
1146
01:16:46,852 --> 01:16:49,321
Can I just ask, with reference
to your second point,
1147
01:16:49,772 --> 01:16:53,948
when you say souls don't develop
because people become distracted...
1148
01:16:56,487 --> 01:16:58,865
Has anyone noticed
that building there before?
1149
01:17:01,200 --> 01:17:03,919
What?
Good Lord!
1150
01:17:19,093 --> 01:17:20,640
(MAN SCREAMING)
1151
01:17:24,098 --> 01:17:25,725
Good Lord!
1152
01:17:26,100 --> 01:17:29,320
The Crimson
Permanent Assurance!
1153
01:17:31,939 --> 01:17:34,943
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this film to
apologize for this unwarranted attack
1154
01:17:35,025 --> 01:17:36,402
by the supporting feature.
1155
01:17:36,652 --> 01:17:38,996
Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventuality
1156
01:17:39,071 --> 01:17:40,994
and are now taking steps
to remedy it.
1157
01:17:43,075 --> 01:17:44,247
Thank you.
1158
01:17:44,535 --> 01:17:48,915
NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part six.
The autumn years.
1159
01:17:50,541 --> 01:17:51,713
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
1160
01:17:51,792 --> 01:17:54,261
Here's a little number I tossed
off recently in the Caribbean.
1161
01:17:54,962 --> 01:17:57,511
(SINGING) Isn't it awfully
nice to have a penis
1162
01:17:58,048 --> 01:18:00,551
Isn't it frightfully good
to have a dong
1163
01:18:01,093 --> 01:18:03,972
It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick
1164
01:18:04,054 --> 01:18:07,308
From the tiniest little tadger
to the world's biggest prick
1165
01:18:07,766 --> 01:18:10,770
So three cheers for your Willy
or John Thomas
1166
01:18:11,353 --> 01:18:13,981
Hooray for your
one-eyed trouser snake
1167
01:18:14,398 --> 01:18:18,073
Your piece of pork, your wife's best
friend, your percy or your cock
1168
01:18:18,194 --> 01:18:21,448
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock
1169
01:18:21,739 --> 01:18:24,788
But don't take it out in public or
they will stick you in the dock
1170
01:18:24,867 --> 01:18:27,211
And you won't come back
1171
01:18:27,286 --> 01:18:28,629
Thank you very much.
1172
01:18:30,789 --> 01:18:33,087
Oh, what a
frightfully witty song.
1173
01:18:33,167 --> 01:18:34,840
Terribly clever.
1174
01:18:37,755 --> 01:18:39,928
Jolly good.
Marvelous.
1175
01:18:47,473 --> 01:18:49,771
Oh, shit!
It's Mr. Creosote!
1176
01:19:08,619 --> 01:19:11,498
Good afternoon, sir,
and how are we today?
1177
01:19:11,622 --> 01:19:12,794
Better.
Better?
1178
01:19:12,873 --> 01:19:15,422
Better get a bucket.
I'm gonna throw up.
1179
01:19:15,584 --> 01:19:17,928
Gaston?
A bucket for monsieur.
1180
01:19:22,508 --> 01:19:24,476
There we are, monsieur.
1181
01:19:39,566 --> 01:19:41,785
Merci, Gaston.
I haven't finished.
1182
01:19:41,860 --> 01:19:43,362
Oh, pardon!
Gaston?
1183
01:19:43,612 --> 01:19:45,239
A thousand pardons,
monsieur.
1184
01:19:45,322 --> 01:19:50,123
Now, this afternoon, we have
monsieur's favorite, the jugged hare.
1185
01:19:50,369 --> 01:19:54,875
The hare is very high
and the sauce is very rich,
1186
01:19:55,165 --> 01:19:59,966
with truffles, anchovies, Grand
Marnier, bacon and cream.
1187
01:20:00,045 --> 01:20:02,594
Thank you, Gaston.
There's still more.
1188
01:20:03,465 --> 01:20:05,388
Allow me.
1189
01:20:06,385 --> 01:20:08,137
A new bucket
for monsieur.
1190
01:20:12,349 --> 01:20:13,646
And the cleaning woman.
1191
01:20:16,937 --> 01:20:19,781
Et maintenant, would monsieur
care for an aperitif,
1192
01:20:19,857 --> 01:20:22,360
or would he prefer
to order straightaway?
1193
01:20:23,527 --> 01:20:27,407
Today, we have for appetizers, excuse me,
1194
01:20:29,533 --> 01:20:33,003
moules marinières, pâté de
foie gras, beluga caviar,
1195
01:20:33,162 --> 01:20:36,666
eggs Benedictine, tarte de
poireaux, that's leek tart,
1196
01:20:36,749 --> 01:20:40,674
frogs' legs amandine or oeufs
de caille Richard Shepherd.
1197
01:20:40,753 --> 01:20:44,883
C'est a dire, little quails' eggs
on a bed of puréed mushrooms.
1198
01:20:44,965 --> 01:20:46,933
It's very delicate,
very succulent.
1199
01:20:47,217 --> 01:20:48,935
I'll have the lot.
1200
01:20:49,887 --> 01:20:53,892
A wise choice, monsieur. And now,
how would you like it served?
1201
01:20:53,974 --> 01:20:56,397
All mixed up together
in a bucket?
1202
01:20:56,477 --> 01:20:58,400
Yeah. With the eggs on top.
1203
01:20:58,479 --> 01:21:00,698
But of course.
Avec des oeufs frites.
1204
01:21:00,773 --> 01:21:02,150
Don't skimp on the pâté.
1205
01:21:02,232 --> 01:21:03,529
Oh, monsieur,
I assure you,
1206
01:21:03,609 --> 01:21:05,987
just because it is mixed up
with all the other things,
1207
01:21:06,070 --> 01:21:08,368
we would not dream of giving
you less than the full amount.
1208
01:21:08,447 --> 01:21:12,327
In fact, I will personally make
sure you have a double helping.
1209
01:21:12,868 --> 01:21:14,461
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
1210
01:21:14,536 --> 01:21:15,958
Something to drink,
monsieur?
1211
01:21:16,038 --> 01:21:19,338
Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Chateau Latour '45,
1212
01:21:19,458 --> 01:21:22,553
and a double Jeroboam of champagne. '45.
1213
01:21:22,628 --> 01:21:25,097
Bon, and the usual
brown ales?
1214
01:21:25,172 --> 01:21:28,767
Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I
could only manage six crates today.
1215
01:21:28,842 --> 01:21:29,889
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
1216
01:21:29,968 --> 01:21:33,097
I hope monsieur was not
overdoing it last night.
1217
01:21:33,889 --> 01:21:35,857
Shut up!
D'accord.
1218
01:21:35,933 --> 01:21:39,187
The new bucket
and the cleaning woman.
1219
01:21:46,193 --> 01:21:48,116
Is there something wrong
with the food?
1220
01:21:48,195 --> 01:21:49,947
No, the food
was excellent.
1221
01:21:50,030 --> 01:21:52,078
Perhaps you're not happy
with the service?
1222
01:21:52,157 --> 01:21:53,534
(STAMMERING)
No, no complaints.
1223
01:21:53,617 --> 01:21:57,167
It's just that we have to go. I'm
having rather a heavy period.
1224
01:21:58,330 --> 01:22:00,628
And we have
a train to catch.
1225
01:22:01,500 --> 01:22:04,800
Oh! Yes, of course.
We have a train to catch
1226
01:22:04,878 --> 01:22:07,757
and I don't want to start
bleeding all over the seats.
1227
01:22:08,674 --> 01:22:11,518
Madam? Perhaps we should be going?
1228
01:22:12,970 --> 01:22:16,019
Very well, monsieur.
Thank you so much.
1229
01:22:16,515 --> 01:22:18,267
So nice to see you,
1230
01:22:18,350 --> 01:22:20,603
and I hope very much we will
see you again very soon.
1231
01:22:20,686 --> 01:22:21,687
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
1232
01:22:21,770 --> 01:22:23,113
(BUCKET CLANGING)
1233
01:22:23,188 --> 01:22:26,488
Oh, dear. I have trodden
in monsieur's bucket.
1234
01:22:30,487 --> 01:22:32,581
Another bucket
for monsieur,
1235
01:22:34,700 --> 01:22:37,123
and perhaps a hose.
1236
01:22:40,330 --> 01:22:42,879
Oh, Max. Really!
1237
01:22:44,334 --> 01:22:45,677
(RETCHING)
1238
01:22:50,716 --> 01:22:51,968
(PANTING)
1239
01:22:58,724 --> 01:23:01,568
Finally, monsieur,
a wafer-thin mint.
1240
01:23:01,643 --> 01:23:02,644
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
1241
01:23:02,728 --> 01:23:05,698
Oh, sir, it's only a tiny,
little thin one.
1242
01:23:06,064 --> 01:23:08,738
No, fuck off. I'm full.
Oh, sir.
1243
01:23:11,403 --> 01:23:13,280
It's only wafer-thin.
1244
01:23:13,530 --> 01:23:18,457
Look, I couldn't eat another thing.
I'm absolutely stuffed.
1245
01:23:18,535 --> 01:23:22,631
Bugger off.
Oh, sir, just, just one.
1246
01:23:25,751 --> 01:23:29,426
All right, just one.
Just the one, monsieur.
1247
01:23:31,215 --> 01:23:33,092
Voila.
1248
01:23:37,095 --> 01:23:38,972
Bon appetit.
1249
01:24:02,412 --> 01:24:03,789
(EXPLODING)
1250
01:24:04,456 --> 01:24:06,584
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
1251
01:24:16,385 --> 01:24:17,887
(PEOPLE COUGHING)
1252
01:24:17,970 --> 01:24:19,472
(MAN RETCHING)
1253
01:24:20,472 --> 01:24:23,646
Thank you, monsieur,
and now, here's your check.
1254
01:24:23,850 --> 01:24:25,477
(PEOPLE GAGGING)
1255
01:24:37,698 --> 01:24:42,499
NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part 6B.
The meaning of life.
1256
01:24:57,217 --> 01:25:00,437
You know, Maria,
I sometimes wonder
1257
01:25:00,512 --> 01:25:04,358
if we'll ever discover
the meaning of it all,
1258
01:25:04,725 --> 01:25:06,944
working in a place like this.
1259
01:25:07,394 --> 01:25:11,399
Well, I've worked in worse places,
philosophically speaking.
1260
01:25:11,481 --> 01:25:13,449
Really, Maria?
Yes.
1261
01:25:14,651 --> 01:25:17,746
I used to work
in the Academie Française,
1262
01:25:17,821 --> 01:25:20,244
but it didn't do me
any good at all.
1263
01:25:20,324 --> 01:25:25,251
I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid,
1264
01:25:25,579 --> 01:25:28,549
but it didn't teach me nothin', I recall,
1265
01:25:29,333 --> 01:25:34,055
and the Library of Congress you'd
have thought would hold some key,
1266
01:25:34,379 --> 01:25:38,259
but it didn't, and neither
did the Bodleian Library.
1267
01:25:39,051 --> 01:25:43,056
In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.
1268
01:25:43,597 --> 01:25:48,319
I worked there from 9:00 till
6:00, read every volume through,
1269
01:25:48,894 --> 01:25:53,024
but it didn't teach me nothing
about life's mystery.
1270
01:25:53,357 --> 01:25:57,703
I just kept getting older, and
it got more difficult to see.
1271
01:25:58,195 --> 01:26:02,496
Till eventually, me eyes went
and me arthritis got bad.
1272
01:26:03,075 --> 01:26:05,919
So now,
I'm cleaning up in here.
1273
01:26:07,287 --> 01:26:09,790
But I can't
be really sad,
1274
01:26:09,873 --> 01:26:13,548
'cause you see,
I feel that life's a game.
1275
01:26:13,627 --> 01:26:16,722
You sometimes win or lose,
1276
01:26:16,797 --> 01:26:19,346
and though I may
be down right now,
1277
01:26:19,716 --> 01:26:22,344
at least I don't
work for Jews.
1278
01:26:27,140 --> 01:26:29,108
I'm so sorry.
1279
01:26:29,267 --> 01:26:33,022
I had no idea we had a
racist working here.
1280
01:26:33,105 --> 01:26:36,200
(STAMMERING)
I apologize most sincerely.
1281
01:26:36,441 --> 01:26:37,784
I mean...
1282
01:26:38,819 --> 01:26:41,038
Where are you going?
No, I can explain...
1283
01:26:46,618 --> 01:26:48,245
As for me...
1284
01:26:48,829 --> 01:26:52,504
If you want to know what I
think, I'll show you something.
1285
01:26:54,793 --> 01:26:57,967
Come with me.
WAITER: I was saying that...
1286
01:26:59,172 --> 01:27:00,515
Hello?
Come on.
1287
01:27:02,050 --> 01:27:03,222
WAITER: Hello?
1288
01:27:05,262 --> 01:27:07,640
Hello!
This way.
1289
01:27:12,936 --> 01:27:14,813
Come on.
Don't be shy.
1290
01:27:15,814 --> 01:27:17,782
Mind the stairs,
all right?
1291
01:27:22,320 --> 01:27:24,493
I think this
will help explain.
1292
01:27:31,997 --> 01:27:33,920
Come along.
Come along.
1293
01:27:37,043 --> 01:27:38,966
Over here.
1294
01:27:49,514 --> 01:27:51,061
Come on.
Come on.
1295
01:27:53,018 --> 01:27:54,691
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1296
01:27:54,853 --> 01:27:55,945
(HORNS BLARING)
1297
01:27:56,021 --> 01:27:57,318
This way.
1298
01:28:01,234 --> 01:28:02,486
Come on.
1299
01:28:06,490 --> 01:28:07,742
This way.
1300
01:28:09,910 --> 01:28:11,378
Stay by me.
1301
01:28:14,706 --> 01:28:16,333
Nearly there now.
1302
01:28:17,209 --> 01:28:18,711
(CROWS CAWING)
1303
01:28:26,301 --> 01:28:27,769
You see that?
1304
01:28:30,430 --> 01:28:32,398
That's where I was born.
1305
01:28:34,434 --> 01:28:38,439
You know, one day, my mother,
1306
01:28:38,522 --> 01:28:41,071
she put me on her knee
and she said to me,
1307
01:28:42,400 --> 01:28:44,653
"Gaston, my son,
1308
01:28:44,736 --> 01:28:47,740
"the world
is a beautiful place.
1309
01:28:49,074 --> 01:28:52,419
"You must go into it
and love everyone."
1310
01:28:54,412 --> 01:28:59,964
"Try to make everyone happy and
bring peace and contentment,
1311
01:29:00,043 --> 01:29:01,761
"everywhere you go."
1312
01:29:03,588 --> 01:29:05,556
So I became a waiter.
1313
01:29:14,432 --> 01:29:18,107
Well, it's not much
of a philosophy, I know.
1314
01:29:20,021 --> 01:29:22,900
Well, fuck you.
1315
01:29:23,108 --> 01:29:25,702
I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.
1316
01:29:27,279 --> 01:29:28,371
Fuck off.
1317
01:29:30,699 --> 01:29:32,542
Don't come following me.
1318
01:29:40,292 --> 01:29:44,297
NARRATOR: The Meaning of
Life, part seven. Death.
1319
01:29:47,257 --> 01:29:48,884
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
1320
01:30:09,654 --> 01:30:11,827
NARRATOR:
This man is about to die.
1321
01:30:11,990 --> 01:30:14,914
In a few moments now,
he will be killed,
1322
01:30:14,993 --> 01:30:17,587
for Arthur Jarrett
is a convicted criminal,
1323
01:30:17,662 --> 01:30:21,587
who has been allowed to choose
the manner of his own execution.
1324
01:30:25,587 --> 01:30:27,510
There he is.
1325
01:30:28,006 --> 01:30:29,553
(WOMEN PANTING)
1326
01:30:41,853 --> 01:30:46,450
Arthur Charles Herbert
Runcie MacAdam Jarrett,
1327
01:30:47,525 --> 01:30:51,120
you have been convicted by
12 good persons, and true,
1328
01:30:51,404 --> 01:30:56,251
of the crime of first degree
making of gratuitous sexist jokes,
1329
01:30:56,534 --> 01:30:58,377
in a moving picture.
1330
01:31:22,727 --> 01:31:24,445
(ARTH UR SCREAMING)
1331
01:31:35,740 --> 01:31:38,914
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
1332
01:31:40,078 --> 01:31:41,796
(LEAF SOBBING)
1333
01:31:42,998 --> 01:31:44,500
LEAF: (SOBBING)
It's no good.
1334
01:31:44,582 --> 01:31:48,257
(STAMMERING) I just can't go on.
I'm no good anymore.
1335
01:31:49,421 --> 01:31:51,844
I want to end it all!
1336
01:31:52,590 --> 01:31:54,934
(WIND BLOWING)
Goodbye! Goodbye!
1337
01:31:55,010 --> 01:31:56,353
(SCREAMING)
1338
01:32:02,434 --> 01:32:04,937
FEMALE LEAF:
Oh, my God!
1339
01:32:05,770 --> 01:32:07,772
(SOBBING)
Oh, no! I...
1340
01:32:08,523 --> 01:32:12,824
What'll I do? I can't
live without him! I...
1341
01:32:14,029 --> 01:32:15,372
(SCREAMING)
1342
01:32:17,907 --> 01:32:20,001
BOY LEAF: Mummy! GIRL
LEAF: Mum, where are you?
1343
01:32:20,160 --> 01:32:22,913
(GIRL LEAF GASPING)
Daddy? Mummy?
1344
01:32:22,996 --> 01:32:24,964
GIRL LEAF: Mummy?
1345
01:32:25,165 --> 01:32:26,792
(BOTH SCREAMING)
1346
01:32:31,880 --> 01:32:33,632
(ALL SCREAMING)
1347
01:32:34,424 --> 01:32:35,846
(DOG BARKING)
1348
01:32:41,556 --> 01:32:43,900
(BELL TOLLING)
1349
01:32:48,521 --> 01:32:50,068
(WIN D HOWLING)
1350
01:33:31,106 --> 01:33:32,153
Yes?
1351
01:33:34,150 --> 01:33:35,697
Is it about the hedge?
1352
01:33:38,530 --> 01:33:42,455
Well, I'm awfully sorry, but...
I am the Grim Reaper.
1353
01:33:42,534 --> 01:33:45,128
Who?
The Grim Reaper.
1354
01:33:45,203 --> 01:33:48,582
Yes, I see.
I am Death.
1355
01:33:49,791 --> 01:33:50,792
Yes, well, the thing is,
1356
01:33:50,875 --> 01:33:52,969
we've got some people from
America for dinner tonight...
1357
01:33:53,044 --> 01:33:55,422
WOMAN: Who is it, darling?
It's a Mr. Death or something.
1358
01:33:55,505 --> 01:33:58,805
He's come about the reaping? I don't
think we need any at the moment.
1359
01:33:58,883 --> 01:34:02,387
Hello. Don't leave him hanging
around outside, darling. Ask him in.
1360
01:34:02,470 --> 01:34:03,722
I don't think
it's quite the moment.
1361
01:34:03,805 --> 01:34:04,977
Do come in.
Come along.
1362
01:34:05,056 --> 01:34:07,479
Come and have a drink.
Do. Come on.
1363
01:34:08,184 --> 01:34:09,561
(CHATTERING)
1364
01:34:11,229 --> 01:34:13,823
It's one of the little men
from the village.
1365
01:34:14,149 --> 01:34:16,197
Do come in.
Please.
1366
01:34:17,152 --> 01:34:19,871
This is Howard Katzenberg
from Philadelphia.
1367
01:34:19,946 --> 01:34:21,948
Hi.
And his wife, Debbie.
1368
01:34:22,031 --> 01:34:23,328
Hello, there.
1369
01:34:23,616 --> 01:34:26,870
And these are the Portland
Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.
1370
01:34:26,995 --> 01:34:29,874
Good evening.
This is Mr. Death.
1371
01:34:37,172 --> 01:34:40,016
Do get Mr. Death a drink, darling.
MAN: Yes.
1372
01:34:41,009 --> 01:34:43,228
Mr. Death is a reaper.
1373
01:34:43,428 --> 01:34:46,602
The Grim Reaper.
1374
01:34:46,931 --> 01:34:49,229
Hardly surprising
in this weather.
1375
01:34:51,769 --> 01:34:54,318
So you still reap around
here, do you, Mr. Death?
1376
01:34:54,397 --> 01:34:58,948
I am the Grim Reaper.
1377
01:34:59,694 --> 01:35:01,287
That's about all he says.
1378
01:35:01,446 --> 01:35:03,949
There's your drink, Mr. Death.
Do sit down.
1379
01:35:04,157 --> 01:35:07,377
We were just talking about some of the
awful problems facing the Third...
1380
01:35:07,452 --> 01:35:09,125
(GLASS SHATTERING)
1381
01:35:12,123 --> 01:35:16,173
Would you prefer white? I'm
afraid we don't have any beer.
1382
01:35:16,252 --> 01:35:17,754
The Stilton's
awfully good.
1383
01:35:18,630 --> 01:35:24,603
I am not of this world.
1384
01:35:27,013 --> 01:35:28,560
Good Lord.
1385
01:35:28,765 --> 01:35:31,644
I am Death.
1386
01:35:36,064 --> 01:35:37,190
Well, isn't that
extraordinary?
1387
01:35:37,273 --> 01:35:39,651
We were just talking about
death only five minutes ago.
1388
01:35:39,734 --> 01:35:43,489
Yes, we were. You know, whether
death is really the end...
1389
01:35:43,613 --> 01:35:46,787
As my husband Howard here
feels, or whether there is,
1390
01:35:46,866 --> 01:35:50,086
and one so hates to use words
like soul or spirit...
1391
01:35:50,203 --> 01:35:52,126
What other words can one use?
Exactly.
1392
01:35:52,205 --> 01:35:55,835
You do not understand.
1393
01:35:57,377 --> 01:35:59,721
No. Obviously not.
1394
01:35:59,963 --> 01:36:03,058
I'll tell you something, Mr. Death...
You don't...
1395
01:36:03,132 --> 01:36:05,476
Just one moment. I'd like to express
on behalf of everybody here,
1396
01:36:05,551 --> 01:36:07,724
what a really unique
experience this is.
1397
01:36:07,804 --> 01:36:09,602
J EREMY: Hear, hear.
Yes, we're so delighted
1398
01:36:09,681 --> 01:36:11,228
that you dropped in,
Mr. Death.
1399
01:36:11,307 --> 01:36:13,981
Can I just finish, please?
DEBBIE: Mr. Death.
1400
01:36:14,852 --> 01:36:16,854
Is there an afterlife?
1401
01:36:17,563 --> 01:36:19,281
Dear, if you could
just wait, please...
1402
01:36:19,357 --> 01:36:21,075
Are you sure you wouldn't
like some sherry or...
1403
01:36:21,150 --> 01:36:23,198
Angela, I'd like
to say this, please.
1404
01:36:23,278 --> 01:36:24,404
Be quiet!
1405
01:36:24,487 --> 01:36:25,955
Can I just say this
at this time, please?
1406
01:36:26,030 --> 01:36:30,501
Silence!
I have come for you.
1407
01:36:32,870 --> 01:36:34,497
You mean to...
1408
01:36:34,580 --> 01:36:37,834
Take you away.
1409
01:36:39,043 --> 01:36:42,092
That is my purpose.
1410
01:36:43,965 --> 01:36:47,185
I am Death.
1411
01:36:49,721 --> 01:36:52,565
Well, that's cast rather a gloom
over the evening, hasn't it?
1412
01:36:52,849 --> 01:36:54,192
I don't see it
that way, Geoff.
1413
01:36:54,392 --> 01:36:56,144
Let me tell you what I think
we're dealing with here,
1414
01:36:56,227 --> 01:36:59,071
a potentially positive learning
experience that can...
1415
01:36:59,147 --> 01:37:02,071
Shut up!
Shut up, you American.
1416
01:37:02,150 --> 01:37:05,154
You always talk,
you Americans.
1417
01:37:05,320 --> 01:37:08,369
You talk and you talk
and you say,
1418
01:37:08,448 --> 01:37:13,375
"Let me tell you something"
and "I just wanna say this."
1419
01:37:13,453 --> 01:37:17,128
Well, you're dead now,
so shut up!
1420
01:37:17,332 --> 01:37:19,881
Dead?
Dead.
1421
01:37:21,919 --> 01:37:25,219
All of us?
All of you.
1422
01:37:27,467 --> 01:37:28,559
Now look here.
1423
01:37:28,634 --> 01:37:31,262
You barge in here quite
uninvited, break glasses,
1424
01:37:31,346 --> 01:37:33,815
and then announce quite
casually that we're all dead.
1425
01:37:33,890 --> 01:37:37,440
Well, I would remind you that
you're a guest in this house...
1426
01:37:37,518 --> 01:37:42,900
Be quiet! Englishmen!
You're all so fucking pompous!
1427
01:37:43,358 --> 01:37:46,282
None of you
have got any balls.
1428
01:37:47,362 --> 01:37:50,115
Can I ask you a question?
What?
1429
01:37:50,907 --> 01:37:53,786
How can we all have died
at the same time?
1430
01:38:06,589 --> 01:38:09,012
The salmon mousse.
1431
01:38:10,301 --> 01:38:13,350
Darling, you didn't use
canned salmon, did you?
1432
01:38:13,638 --> 01:38:16,812
I'm most dreadfully
embarrassed.
1433
01:38:17,392 --> 01:38:20,817
Now the time has come.
1434
01:38:22,230 --> 01:38:26,736
Follow. Follow me.
1435
01:38:40,998 --> 01:38:43,672
Just testing. Sorry.
1436
01:38:45,336 --> 01:38:48,715
Follow me. Now.
1437
01:38:55,513 --> 01:38:56,856
Come.
1438
01:39:00,601 --> 01:39:03,400
The fishmonger promised me
he'd have some fresh salmon.
1439
01:39:03,479 --> 01:39:05,607
He's normally so reliable.
1440
01:39:05,690 --> 01:39:08,489
Can we take our glasses?
Good idea.
1441
01:39:08,609 --> 01:39:10,532
(IN DISTINCT CHATTERING)
1442
01:39:12,029 --> 01:39:14,623
Hey, I didn't even
eat the mousse.
1443
01:39:19,996 --> 01:39:22,465
ANGELA: Honestly, darling,
I'm so embarrassed.
1444
01:39:22,540 --> 01:39:26,044
It really is embarrassing. I mean,
to serve salmon with botulism
1445
01:39:26,127 --> 01:39:28,050
at a dinner party
is social death.
1446
01:39:28,463 --> 01:39:30,090
(ALL CHATTERING)
1447
01:39:30,548 --> 01:39:33,222
Shall we take our cars?
Why not?
1448
01:39:33,301 --> 01:39:36,145
Good idea.
Why not?
1449
01:39:37,054 --> 01:39:38,727
(ENGINE STARTING)
1450
01:40:11,589 --> 01:40:15,093
Behold Paradise.
1451
01:40:17,220 --> 01:40:21,100
I love it here, darling.
Me, too, Marvin.
1452
01:40:21,474 --> 01:40:24,023
Hello. Welcome to heaven.
1453
01:40:24,560 --> 01:40:26,107
(ELEVA TOR MUSIC PLAYING)
1454
01:40:33,569 --> 01:40:35,788
Excuse me. Could you just
sign here, please, sir?
1455
01:40:37,198 --> 01:40:38,199
Thank you.
1456
01:40:38,282 --> 01:40:40,250
There's a table for you through
there, in the restaurant.
1457
01:40:40,326 --> 01:40:41,327
Thank you.
1458
01:40:41,452 --> 01:40:44,922
For the ladies.
Afterlife mints.
1459
01:40:44,997 --> 01:40:46,795
Thank you.
Happy Christmas.
1460
01:40:47,041 --> 01:40:48,509
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Oh, is it Christmas today?
1461
01:40:48,584 --> 01:40:49,881
Of course, madam.
1462
01:40:49,961 --> 01:40:51,929
It's Christmas every day
in heaven.
1463
01:40:52,004 --> 01:40:54,803
Oh! How 'bout that?
Lovely.
1464
01:41:01,722 --> 01:41:03,349
(PEOPLE GREETING)
1465
01:41:13,651 --> 01:41:15,028
(DRUM BEAT)
1466
01:41:15,111 --> 01:41:16,112
(ALL MURMURING)
1467
01:41:16,529 --> 01:41:17,872
(PEOPLE SHUSHING)
1468
01:41:40,011 --> 01:41:41,934
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
1469
01:41:42,013 --> 01:41:46,439
It's truly a real honorable
experience to be here this evening,
1470
01:41:46,517 --> 01:41:49,111
a very wonderful and warm
1471
01:41:49,186 --> 01:41:51,564
and emotional moment
for all of us.
1472
01:41:52,273 --> 01:41:54,321
And I'd like to
sing a song,
1473
01:41:54,400 --> 01:41:57,324
for all of you.
1474
01:42:01,699 --> 01:42:08,207
(SINGING) It's Christmas in
heaven All the children sing
1475
01:42:09,123 --> 01:42:12,002
It's Christmas in heaven
1476
01:42:12,293 --> 01:42:16,298
Hark, hark,
those church bells ring
1477
01:42:16,380 --> 01:42:19,554
It's Christmas in heaven
1478
01:42:19,842 --> 01:42:23,312
The snow falls from the sky
1479
01:42:23,387 --> 01:42:26,891
But it's nice and warm
and everyone
1480
01:42:26,974 --> 01:42:30,319
Looks smart and wears a tie
1481
01:42:36,233 --> 01:42:39,658
It's Christmas in heaven
1482
01:42:39,737 --> 01:42:42,832
There's great films on TV
1483
01:42:43,407 --> 01:42:46,957
The Sound of Music
twice an hour
1484
01:42:47,036 --> 01:42:50,290
And Jaws I, II and III
1485
01:42:50,748 --> 01:42:54,423
There's gifts
for all the family
1486
01:42:54,502 --> 01:42:58,097
There's toiletries
and trains
1487
01:42:58,172 --> 01:43:01,722
TH REE KINGS: (SINGING) There's
Sony Walkman headphone sets
1488
01:43:01,801 --> 01:43:05,021
And the latest video games
1489
01:43:05,346 --> 01:43:08,316
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heaven
1490
01:43:09,725 --> 01:43:12,103
Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hooray
1491
01:43:12,269 --> 01:43:15,239
Every single day
1492
01:43:15,773 --> 01:43:18,276
Is Christmas Day
1493
01:43:20,027 --> 01:43:22,780
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heaven
1494
01:43:24,198 --> 01:43:26,792
Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hooray
1495
01:43:26,867 --> 01:43:31,714
Every single day is...
1496
01:43:34,667 --> 01:43:35,543
Well, that's the end
of the film.
1497
01:43:35,626 --> 01:43:37,003
Now here's
the meaning of life.
1498
01:43:39,463 --> 01:43:40,635
Thank you, Brigitte.
1499
01:43:42,800 --> 01:43:44,473
(CLEARING THROAT)
1500
01:43:45,928 --> 01:43:47,180
Well, it's nothing
very special.
1501
01:43:47,388 --> 01:43:49,231
"Try and be nice to people.
Avoid eating fat.
1502
01:43:49,306 --> 01:43:51,684
"Read a good book every now and then.
Get some walking in,
1503
01:43:51,767 --> 01:43:53,394
"and try and live together
in peace and harmony
1504
01:43:53,477 --> 01:43:55,150
"with people of all creeds
and nations."
1505
01:43:55,813 --> 01:43:58,737
And finally, here are some completely
gratuitous pictures of penises,
1506
01:43:58,816 --> 01:44:01,569
to annoy the censors and to hopefully
spark some sort of controversy,
1507
01:44:01,652 --> 01:44:05,202
which is the only way these days to
get the jaded video-sated public
1508
01:44:05,281 --> 01:44:07,784
off their fucking arses and
back in the sodding cinema.
1509
01:44:07,867 --> 01:44:10,837
Family entertainment? Bollocks.
What they want is filth.
1510
01:44:11,036 --> 01:44:12,162
People doing things
to each other
1511
01:44:12,246 --> 01:44:14,123
with chainsaws
during Tupperware parties,
1512
01:44:14,206 --> 01:44:17,585
baby-sitters being stabbed with knitting
needles by gay presidential candidates,
1513
01:44:17,668 --> 01:44:19,591
vigilante groups
strangling chickens,
1514
01:44:19,670 --> 01:44:22,389
armed bands of theater critics
exterminating mutant goats.
1515
01:44:22,465 --> 01:44:25,514
Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are.
1516
01:44:25,593 --> 01:44:27,891
Here's the theme music.
Good night.
1517
01:44:41,275 --> 01:44:45,781
(SINGING) Just remember that
you're standing on a planet
1518
01:44:45,863 --> 01:44:50,039
That's evolving and revolving
at 900 miles an hour
1519
01:44:51,118 --> 01:44:55,089
It's orbiting at 19 miles
a second, so it's reckoned
1520
01:44:55,164 --> 01:44:58,213
A sun that is the source
of all our power
1521
01:44:59,084 --> 01:45:02,884
The sun and you and me and all
the stars that we can see
1522
01:45:03,005 --> 01:45:06,225
Are moving
at a million miles a day
1523
01:45:07,009 --> 01:45:10,980
In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour
1524
01:45:11,055 --> 01:45:13,899
Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way
1525
01:45:22,942 --> 01:45:26,867
Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars
1526
01:45:26,946 --> 01:45:30,166
It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side
1527
01:45:30,950 --> 01:45:34,295
It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick
1528
01:45:34,370 --> 01:45:38,000
But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wide
1529
01:45:38,874 --> 01:45:42,469
We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point
1530
01:45:42,545 --> 01:45:45,549
We go round every
200 million years
1531
01:45:46,632 --> 01:45:50,227
And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions
1532
01:45:50,302 --> 01:45:53,522
In this amazing
and expanding universe
1533
01:46:26,005 --> 01:46:30,431
The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expanding
1534
01:46:30,509 --> 01:46:33,638
In all of the directions
it can whizz
1535
01:46:34,513 --> 01:46:38,359
As fast as it can go at the
speed of light, you know
1536
01:46:38,475 --> 01:46:41,979
Twelve million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there is
1537
01:46:42,062 --> 01:46:46,238
So remember when you're feeling
very small and insecure
1538
01:46:46,317 --> 01:46:49,491
How amazingly unlikely
is your birth
1539
01:46:50,571 --> 01:46:53,825
And pray that there's intelligent
life somewhere up in space
1540
01:46:53,908 --> 01:46:56,787
'Cause there's bugger all
down here on Earth