1 00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,892 NARRATOR: In the bleak days of 1983, 2 00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:55,189 as England languished in the doldrums of a ruinous monetarist policy, 3 00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:59,106 the good, loyal men of the Permanent Assurance Company, 4 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:03,781 a once-proud family firm recently fallen on hard times, 5 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:09,578 strained under the yoke of their oppressive new corporate management. 6 00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:11,655 MAN: Terrible. Really terrible. 7 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,431 MAN: Row! 8 00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:02,456 That's it, Evans. You're fired. 9 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,416 You heard me. Out. 10 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:09,004 Did you hear that? He's been sacked. 11 00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:11,056 Sacked? 12 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:17,229 Sacked? Come on, boys. Let's get at 'em. 13 00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:18,897 (MEN CLAMORING) 14 00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,855 MAN: Hey! 15 00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:26,070 Come on! Come on! 16 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:32,911 (GRUNTING) 17 00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,433 (SCREAMING) 18 00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:09,440 (MAN GROANING) 19 00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:22,494 MAN: Let me out of here! 20 00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:26,165 MAN 2: I demand to see my lawyer! 21 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,043 (MEN LAUGHING) 22 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,800 Tooley! Come on. 23 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,430 (SCREAMING) 24 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,072 (GROANING) 25 00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,364 (SCREAMING) 26 00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:05,587 Quiet! Silence! 27 00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,756 Now, lads, let's move. 28 00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:11,426 You, you and you, break open the weapons. 29 00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:15,847 You, you and you, into the rigging. 30 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:19,347 And you, put the kettle on. Aye, sir. 31 00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:37,240 (EXCLAIMING) 32 00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:40,163 There, there, Charles. 33 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,289 (PEOPLE CHATTERING) 34 00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:08,225 (SCREAMING) 35 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,310 Sorry! 36 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,771 Come on, Tooley. This way! 37 00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:39,802 Weigh the anchor! 38 00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:41,599 Weigh the anchor! 39 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,345 Weigh the anchor. 40 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:03,955 (BU BBLING) 41 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:52,746 NARRATOR: And so, The Crimson Permanent Assurance 42 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:57,380 was launched upon the high seas of international finance. 43 00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:18,526 Come on, boy. Watch it. Route. Route! 44 00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:22,818 Cup of tea, dear? Hey, Captain! 45 00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,996 Look! To starboard! 46 00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:33,704 NARRATOR: There it lay, the prize they sought. 47 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,040 Hard to starboard! 48 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:41,049 NARRATOR: A financial district swollen with multinationals, conglomerates, 49 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:44,848 and fat, bloated merchant banks. 50 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:50,892 All right, lads, battle stations! 51 00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:55,230 Come on! Move it! Move it! Move it! 52 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,810 (EXCLAIMING) 53 00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:22,253 All right, then. That's enough. Take cover. 54 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,593 Down, down! Get down! 55 00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,472 (SQUEAKING) 56 00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:45,908 Down, down. 57 00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:47,327 (SH USHING) 58 00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,964 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 59 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,603 (BOTH GASPING) 60 00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:25,190 Hard to starboard! 61 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,390 Fire! 62 00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:27,760 (MEN EXCLAIMING) 63 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,347 (SCREAMING) 64 00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:01,791 Eric! My balance sheets! 65 00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,132 Ross! Get the readouts! 66 00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:15,975 Stop him! Eric! 67 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,553 Thanks! MAN: Charge! 68 00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:41,918 Come on! Grab it! 69 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,901 No, no! Let me! Let me! Okay, Kane. 70 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,367 Cudgelled! 71 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,672 Gotcha! 72 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,668 You bastard! 73 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,061 (GROANING) 74 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,656 (MAN GRUNTING) 75 00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:07,791 Take this. 76 00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:10,506 (GROANING) 77 00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:15,049 Here. File this. 78 00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,691 Shit! 79 00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:31,235 (SCREAMING) 80 00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:40,824 NARRATOR: And so, heartened by their initial success, 81 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:46,330 the desperate and reasonably violent men of The Permanent Assurance 82 00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:49,709 battled on until, 83 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:54,418 as the sun set slowly in the west, 84 00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:58,588 the outstanding returns on their bold business venture 85 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,765 became apparent. 86 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,684 Once-proud financial giants 87 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,183 lay in ruins, 88 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,226 their assets stripped, 89 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:14,609 their policies in tatters. 90 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:30,875 CAPTAIN: Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen! 91 00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:34,298 MEN: (SINGING) Up, up, up your premium Up, up, up your premium 92 00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:37,878 Scribble away And balance the books 93 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,715 Scribble away But balance the books 94 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:45,553 It's fun to charter an accountant 95 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:49,981 And sail the wide accountancy 96 00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:54,232 To find, explore the funds offshore 97 00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:56,938 And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy 98 00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:01,785 It can be manly in insurance 99 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:05,864 We'll up your premium semiannually 100 00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:10,077 It's all tax-deductible We're fairly incorruptible 101 00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:13,459 Sailing on the wide accountancy 102 00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:17,088 Sail away... NARRATOR: And so, they sailed off 103 00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:19,919 into the ledgers of history, 104 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,596 one by one, the financial capitals of the world 105 00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:25,266 crumbling under the might of their business acumen. 106 00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:27,931 Or so it would have been, 107 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:31,514 if certain modern theories concerning the shape of the world 108 00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:35,982 had not proved to be disastrously wrong. 109 00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,531 Morning. Morning. 110 00:17:13,324 --> 00:17:15,292 Morning. Morning. 111 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,291 Morning. 112 00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,795 Morning. Morning. 113 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,465 Morning. Morning. 114 00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:27,138 What's new? Not much. 115 00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:34,428 Morning! Good morning! Morning! 116 00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,185 Morning! Morning! 117 00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:40,936 Frank was just asking what's new. Was he? 118 00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:43,358 Yes. 119 00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:46,900 Hey, look. 120 00:17:46,983 --> 00:17:49,987 Howard's being eaten. Is he? 121 00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,666 Makes you think, doesn't it? Hmm. 122 00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:03,841 I mean, what's it all about? Beats me. 123 00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:08,262 (SINGING) Why are we here 124 00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,760 What's life all about 125 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,842 Is God really real 126 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,019 Or is there some doubt 127 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:21,484 Well, tonight we're going to sort it all out 128 00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:24,984 For tonight it's The Meaning of Life 129 00:18:27,148 --> 00:18:31,745 What's the point of all this hoax 130 00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,538 Is it the chicken and the egg time 131 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,242 Are we just yolks 132 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:42,588 Or perhaps we're just one of God's little jokes 133 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:47,339 Well, ça, c'est le meaning of life 134 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,467 Is life just a game 135 00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:53,095 Where we make up the rules 136 00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:58,096 While we're searching for something to say 137 00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:03,811 Or are we just simply spiraling coils 138 00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:07,318 Of self-replicating DNA 139 00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:09,194 Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay Nay, nay, nay, nay 140 00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:13,028 What is life What is our fate 141 00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,618 Is there heaven and hell 142 00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:19,830 Do we reincarnate 143 00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:24,756 Is mankind evolving or is it too late 144 00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:28,334 Well, tonight here's The Meaning of Life 145 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:29,509 (LIGHTNING CRACKING) 146 00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,258 For millions 147 00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:35,224 This life is a sad vale of tears 148 00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:39,600 Sitting round with really nothing to say 149 00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:43,019 While scientists say 150 00:19:43,099 --> 00:19:46,478 We're just simply spiraling coils 151 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,530 Of self-replicating DNA 152 00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,232 Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay Nay, nay, nay, nay 153 00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:54,785 So just why Why are we here 154 00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,405 And just what 155 00:19:57,488 --> 00:20:00,116 What, what, what do we fear 156 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:04,416 Well, ce soir for a change 157 00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:06,748 It will all be made clear 158 00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:10,881 For this is The Meaning of Life 159 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,883 C'est le sens de la vie 160 00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:15,511 This is The Meaning of Life 161 00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:21,228 NARRATOR: Part one. The miracle of birth. 162 00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:52,168 One thousand and eight! 163 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,924 Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, Doctor. 164 00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:55,801 Good. Take her into the fetus frightening room. 165 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:56,972 Right. 166 00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:06,436 Jolly good. 167 00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:10,274 It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it? 168 00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:14,448 Yes. Yes. More apparatus, please, Nurse. 169 00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:18,536 The EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV. Certainly, Doctor. 170 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,955 And get the machine that goes "ping." 171 00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:23,829 And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes. 172 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,928 That's it. Bring it in. Bring it right here. Behind me. 173 00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:38,973 Lovely, lovely. Jolly good. That's better. 174 00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:42,973 That's much, much better. Yes, that's more like it. 175 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:47,147 Still something missing, though. 176 00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:49,396 Hmm? Hmm. 177 00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:53,646 Patient. Patient, yes. 178 00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:55,982 Where's the patient? Patient! Anyone seen the patient? 179 00:21:56,065 --> 00:21:57,237 (EXCLAIMS) 180 00:21:57,358 --> 00:21:59,827 Here she is. DOCTOR: Bring it over here. 181 00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:02,371 Mind the machines! Sorry, Doctor. 182 00:22:02,446 --> 00:22:03,743 Come along! 183 00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:05,207 Come along. Jump on it. 184 00:22:05,241 --> 00:22:09,337 Hello. Now don't you worry. We'll soon have you cured. 185 00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:12,164 Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you. 186 00:22:12,248 --> 00:22:13,670 Goodbye. Goodbye. 187 00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:15,501 Drips up. Injections. 188 00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,006 Can I put the tube in the baby's head? 189 00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:18,338 Only if I can do the episiotomy. 190 00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:19,467 Okay. Thank you. 191 00:22:19,547 --> 00:22:20,548 Legs up. 192 00:22:21,131 --> 00:22:24,431 Oh, come in. Come on in, all of you. That's it. Jolly good. 193 00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:27,104 Come on. Come along. Spread round there. 194 00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:29,102 Who are you? I'm the husband. 195 00:22:29,223 --> 00:22:33,444 I'm sorry. Only people involved are allowed in here. 196 00:22:33,894 --> 00:22:36,192 What do I do? Yes? 197 00:22:36,313 --> 00:22:40,363 What do I do? Nothing, dear. You're not qualified. 198 00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:43,036 Leave it to us. What's that for? 199 00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:45,535 That's the machine that goes "ping." 200 00:22:45,614 --> 00:22:46,831 (PINGING) 201 00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:50,753 You see? That means your baby is still alive. 202 00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:54,253 And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital. 203 00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:56,880 Yes, it cost over three-quarters of a million pounds. 204 00:22:56,959 --> 00:22:59,132 Aren't you lucky? 205 00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:01,756 The administrator is here, Doctor. 206 00:23:01,839 --> 00:23:03,136 Switch everything on. 207 00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:05,096 Morning, gentlemen. 208 00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:07,557 Morning. Morning, gentlemen. Morning. 209 00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:08,979 MAN 1: Morning, Mr. Pycroft. MAN 2: Mr. Pycroft. 210 00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:11,182 Oh, very impressive, very impressive. 211 00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:14,561 And what are you doing this morning? It's a birth. 212 00:23:14,768 --> 00:23:16,770 And what sort of thing is that? 213 00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:22,118 Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy. 214 00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:24,153 (MACH IN E PINGING) Wonderful what we can do nowadays. 215 00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:28,458 I see you have the machine that goes "ping." This is my favorite. 216 00:23:28,824 --> 00:23:31,418 You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to, 217 00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:36,044 and that way, it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account. 218 00:23:40,169 --> 00:23:42,985 Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. 219 00:23:43,011 --> 00:23:44,199 Well, do carry on. 220 00:23:45,174 --> 00:23:47,893 Oh, the vulva's dilating, Doctor. Oh, yes, there's the head. 221 00:23:47,968 --> 00:23:51,097 Yes, four centimeters, five, six centimeters. 222 00:23:51,180 --> 00:23:53,148 Lights! Amplify the ping machine. 223 00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:54,770 Masks up! Suction! 224 00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:57,103 Eyes down for a full house! 225 00:23:57,186 --> 00:23:59,109 Here it comes. 226 00:24:00,898 --> 00:24:03,447 (BABY CRYING) And frighten it. 227 00:24:03,525 --> 00:24:07,029 Thank you. And the rough towels! 228 00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:11,200 Show it to the mother. That's enough. 229 00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:13,285 Right. Sedate her. Number the child. 230 00:24:13,369 --> 00:24:15,997 Measure it, blood-type it and isolate it. 231 00:24:16,747 --> 00:24:18,294 Okay, show's over. 232 00:24:18,374 --> 00:24:19,671 (PEOPLE CHATTERING) 233 00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:21,798 Is it a boy or a girl? 234 00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:25,802 I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? 235 00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:28,600 Now, a word of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time, 236 00:24:28,676 --> 00:24:33,102 a totally irrational feeling of depression, PN D, as we doctors call it. 237 00:24:33,222 --> 00:24:35,441 So, it's lots of happy pills for you, 238 00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:37,985 and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. 239 00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:41,781 It's available on BetaMax, VHS and Super 8. 240 00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:46,152 (MACHINE PINGING) 241 00:24:46,944 --> 00:24:51,245 NARRATOR: The miracle of birth., part two. The third world. 242 00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:55,669 (DOG BARKING) 243 00:25:01,417 --> 00:25:02,964 (BIRD CAWING) 244 00:25:04,461 --> 00:25:06,589 Oh, bloody hell. 245 00:25:10,092 --> 00:25:11,344 (CRYING) 246 00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:18,400 Oh, get it, would you, Deidre? All right, Mum. 247 00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:27,284 (CH ILDREN CHATTERING) 248 00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:31,330 Now whose teatime is it? ALL: Mine! 249 00:25:31,405 --> 00:25:33,078 Come on. Out you go. 250 00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:35,956 Now, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, 251 00:25:36,035 --> 00:25:39,380 Martha, Andrew, Thomas, Walter, Pat, Linda, 252 00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:42,425 Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique and Sasha, it's your bedtime. 253 00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:43,546 (CH ILDREN GROANING) 254 00:25:43,625 --> 00:25:45,719 Now don't argue! 255 00:25:45,794 --> 00:25:48,388 Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon, Amanda... 256 00:25:48,464 --> 00:25:53,015 Wait. I've got something to tell the whole family. 257 00:25:53,260 --> 00:25:56,389 Oh, quick. Go and get the others in, Gordon. 258 00:25:57,973 --> 00:26:00,977 The mill's closed. There's no more work. 259 00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:04,571 (CH ILDREN MURMU RING) We're destitute. 260 00:26:04,646 --> 00:26:08,025 Come in, my little loves. I've got no option but to sell you all 261 00:26:08,108 --> 00:26:09,735 for scientific experiments. 262 00:26:12,154 --> 00:26:14,703 No, no, that's the way it is, my loves. 263 00:26:14,823 --> 00:26:16,040 Blame the Catholic Church 264 00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:18,289 for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things. 265 00:26:18,368 --> 00:26:21,087 Oh, they've done some wonderful things in their time. 266 00:26:21,163 --> 00:26:25,009 They've preserved the might and majesty, even mystery of the Church of Rome, 267 00:26:25,459 --> 00:26:30,010 and the sanctity of the sacrament, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, 268 00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:32,217 but if they'd let me wear one of those little rubber things 269 00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:33,846 on the end of my cock, 270 00:26:33,926 --> 00:26:36,349 we wouldn't be in the mess we are now. 271 00:26:36,428 --> 00:26:40,433 Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary? 272 00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:41,768 Not if we're going to remain members 273 00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:44,148 of the fastest-growing religion in the world, my boy. 274 00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:48,825 He's right. You see, we believe... 275 00:26:48,899 --> 00:26:50,867 Well, let me put it like this. 276 00:26:51,068 --> 00:26:53,491 (SINGING) There are Jews in the world 277 00:26:53,570 --> 00:26:55,538 There are Buddhists 278 00:26:55,656 --> 00:27:00,082 There are Hindus and Mormons and then 279 00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:03,581 There are those that follow Mohammed 280 00:27:03,664 --> 00:27:09,216 But I've never been one of them 281 00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:14,220 I'm a Roman Catholic 282 00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:17,769 And have been since before I was born 283 00:27:17,845 --> 00:27:21,145 And the one thing they say about Catholics 284 00:27:21,223 --> 00:27:25,273 Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm 285 00:27:25,352 --> 00:27:28,822 You don't have to be a six-footer 286 00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:32,401 You don't have to have a great brain 287 00:27:32,734 --> 00:27:35,783 You don't have to have any clothes on 288 00:27:35,863 --> 00:27:40,118 You're a Catholic the moment Dad came 289 00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:43,663 Because 290 00:27:43,745 --> 00:27:48,376 Every sperm is sacred 291 00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:53,009 Every sperm is great 292 00:27:53,088 --> 00:27:57,434 If a sperm is wasted 293 00:27:57,509 --> 00:28:00,888 God gets quite irate 294 00:28:02,264 --> 00:28:06,235 CH ILDREN: (SINGING) Every sperm is sacred 295 00:28:06,310 --> 00:28:10,486 Every sperm is great 296 00:28:10,606 --> 00:28:15,157 If a sperm is wasted 297 00:28:15,235 --> 00:28:19,581 God gets quite irate 298 00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:23,878 Let the heathens spill theirs 299 00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:28,253 On the dusty ground 300 00:28:28,332 --> 00:28:31,461 God shall make them pay 301 00:28:31,793 --> 00:28:36,720 For each sperm that can't be found 302 00:28:36,798 --> 00:28:41,349 Every sperm is wanted 303 00:28:41,428 --> 00:28:45,433 Every sperm is good 304 00:28:45,515 --> 00:28:49,895 Every sperm is needed 305 00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:54,074 In your neighborhood 306 00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:57,619 Hindu, Taoist, Mormon 307 00:28:57,986 --> 00:29:01,411 Spill theirs just anywhere 308 00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:05,370 But God loves those who treat 309 00:29:05,452 --> 00:29:09,832 Their semen with more care 310 00:29:10,207 --> 00:29:14,257 Every sperm is sacred 311 00:29:14,336 --> 00:29:17,681 Every sperm is great 312 00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:22,102 If a sperm is wasted 313 00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:25,647 God gets quite irate 314 00:29:25,722 --> 00:29:29,693 Every sperm is sacred 315 00:29:30,060 --> 00:29:33,610 Every sperm is good Every sperm is good 316 00:29:33,689 --> 00:29:37,364 Every sperm is needed 317 00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:41,451 MEN: In your neighborhood 318 00:29:41,530 --> 00:29:45,205 Every sperm is useful 319 00:29:45,367 --> 00:29:49,122 Every sperm is fine 320 00:29:49,204 --> 00:29:52,799 God needs everybody's 321 00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:54,505 Mine And mine 322 00:29:54,584 --> 00:29:56,427 And mine 323 00:30:11,852 --> 00:30:15,447 Let the pagans spill theirs 324 00:30:15,522 --> 00:30:19,527 O'er mountain, hill and plain 325 00:30:19,609 --> 00:30:22,488 God shall strike them down 326 00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:26,872 For each sperm that's spilt in vain 327 00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:31,088 Every sperm is sacred 328 00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:34,918 Every sperm is good 329 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,721 Every sperm is needed 330 00:30:38,795 --> 00:30:42,265 In your neighborhood 331 00:30:42,382 --> 00:30:46,012 Every sperm is sacred 332 00:30:46,136 --> 00:30:49,857 Every sperm is great 333 00:30:49,931 --> 00:30:53,526 If a sperm is wasted 334 00:30:53,935 --> 00:30:55,858 God gets 335 00:30:55,937 --> 00:31:01,785 Quite irate 336 00:31:01,860 --> 00:31:03,533 (PEOPLE WHOOPING) 337 00:31:07,157 --> 00:31:09,626 So you see my problem, little ones. 338 00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:11,669 I can't keep you all here any longer. 339 00:31:11,745 --> 00:31:13,588 BOY: Speak up! 340 00:31:13,663 --> 00:31:16,337 I can't keep you all here any longer! 341 00:31:16,792 --> 00:31:21,013 God has blessed us so much I can't afford to feed you anymore. 342 00:31:21,088 --> 00:31:22,931 Couldn't you have your balls cut off? 343 00:31:24,132 --> 00:31:27,511 It's not as simple as that, Nigel. God knows all. 344 00:31:27,594 --> 00:31:29,642 He'd see through such a cheap trick. 345 00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:32,725 What we do to ourselves, we do to Him. 346 00:31:32,808 --> 00:31:35,152 You could have had them pulled off in an accident. 347 00:31:35,227 --> 00:31:36,979 (CH ILDREN CLAMORING) 348 00:31:37,354 --> 00:31:39,402 No. Children, I know you're trying to help, 349 00:31:39,481 --> 00:31:41,700 but believe me, me mind's made up. 350 00:31:41,775 --> 00:31:44,745 I've given this long and careful thought, 351 00:31:45,112 --> 00:31:47,581 and it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you. 352 00:31:47,656 --> 00:31:49,329 (CH ILDREN GROANING) 353 00:31:51,076 --> 00:31:54,296 (SINGING SADLY) Every sperm is sacred 354 00:31:55,455 --> 00:32:00,131 Every sperm is great 355 00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:04,806 Look at them. Bloody Catholics. Filling the bloody world up 356 00:32:04,881 --> 00:32:08,385 with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed. 357 00:32:08,510 --> 00:32:13,016 What are we, dear? Protestant, and fiercely proud of it. 358 00:32:13,098 --> 00:32:15,817 Well, why do they have so many children? 359 00:32:15,892 --> 00:32:19,863 Because every time they have sexual intercourse, they have to have a baby. 360 00:32:19,980 --> 00:32:23,109 But it's the same with us, Harry. What do you mean? 361 00:32:23,191 --> 00:32:25,410 Well, I mean we've got two children, 362 00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:28,038 and we've had sexual intercourse twice. 363 00:32:28,113 --> 00:32:31,413 That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted. 364 00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,585 Really? Oh, yes. And what's more, 365 00:32:33,660 --> 00:32:36,038 because we don't believe in all that Papist claptrap, 366 00:32:36,121 --> 00:32:38,089 we can take precautions. 367 00:32:38,206 --> 00:32:40,083 What, you mean lock the door? 368 00:32:40,167 --> 00:32:44,513 No, no. I mean because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church, 369 00:32:44,588 --> 00:32:46,465 which successfully challenged the autocratic power 370 00:32:46,548 --> 00:32:48,642 of the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century, 371 00:32:48,717 --> 00:32:51,687 we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue. 372 00:32:51,761 --> 00:32:52,808 What do you mean? 373 00:32:52,888 --> 00:32:55,767 I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you. 374 00:32:55,849 --> 00:32:57,066 Oh, yes, Harry. 375 00:32:57,142 --> 00:32:59,691 And by wearing a rubber sheath over my old fellow, 376 00:32:59,853 --> 00:33:03,357 I could ensure that when I came off, you would not be impregnated. 377 00:33:03,482 --> 00:33:07,077 Ooh! That's what being a Protestant's all about. 378 00:33:07,152 --> 00:33:08,654 That's why it's the church for me. 379 00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:10,159 That's why it's the church for anyone 380 00:33:10,238 --> 00:33:13,412 who respects the individual and the individual's right 381 00:33:13,575 --> 00:33:15,577 to decide for him or herself. 382 00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:20,131 When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, 383 00:33:20,207 --> 00:33:23,256 he may not have realized the full significance of what he was doing 384 00:33:23,418 --> 00:33:26,422 but 400 years later, thanks to him, my dear, 385 00:33:26,505 --> 00:33:29,304 I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. 386 00:33:29,591 --> 00:33:33,437 And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. Oh, no! 387 00:33:33,553 --> 00:33:36,147 I can wear French Ticklers if I want. You what? 388 00:33:36,223 --> 00:33:39,397 French Ticklers, Black Mambos, Crocodile Ribs... 389 00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:42,192 Sheaths that are designed not only to protect, 390 00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:45,740 but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress. 391 00:33:45,899 --> 00:33:48,698 Have you got one? Have I got one? Well, no, 392 00:33:48,777 --> 00:33:51,951 but I can go down the road anytime I want and walk into Harry's 393 00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:55,034 and hold my head up high and say, in a loud, steady voice, 394 00:33:55,116 --> 00:33:57,665 "Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. 395 00:33:57,744 --> 00:34:01,624 "In fact, today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant." 396 00:34:01,915 --> 00:34:04,509 Well, why don't you? But they, they cannot, 397 00:34:04,584 --> 00:34:07,884 because their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages 398 00:34:07,963 --> 00:34:11,183 and the domination of alien Episcopal supremacy. 399 00:34:11,258 --> 00:34:12,976 NARRATOR 2: But despite the attempts of Protestants 400 00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:15,804 to promote the idea of sex for pleasure, 401 00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:19,058 children continue to multiply everywhere. 402 00:34:20,141 --> 00:34:24,817 NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part two. Growth and learning. 403 00:34:25,689 --> 00:34:31,162 INSTRUCTOR: And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. 404 00:34:31,361 --> 00:34:34,991 And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead, 405 00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:37,451 in Kadesh Bilgemath, 406 00:34:37,534 --> 00:34:39,628 by Shor Ethra Regalion, 407 00:34:39,703 --> 00:34:44,083 to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda, 408 00:34:44,165 --> 00:34:46,884 he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar, 409 00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:50,430 and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, 410 00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:53,429 and there, slew they the goats, 411 00:34:53,508 --> 00:34:59,015 yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. 412 00:35:00,056 --> 00:35:02,058 Here endeth the lesson. 413 00:35:02,142 --> 00:35:04,065 Let us praise God. 414 00:35:09,024 --> 00:35:12,654 O Lord. ALL: O Lord. 415 00:35:13,695 --> 00:35:16,244 Ooh! You are so big. 416 00:35:16,531 --> 00:35:19,125 ALL: Ooh! You are so big. 417 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:22,124 So absolutely huge. 418 00:35:22,245 --> 00:35:26,295 ALL: So absolutely huge. 419 00:35:26,374 --> 00:35:31,505 Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You. 420 00:35:31,755 --> 00:35:36,306 Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you. 421 00:35:36,384 --> 00:35:41,015 Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying. 422 00:35:41,556 --> 00:35:44,526 ALL: And barefaced flattery. 423 00:35:44,601 --> 00:35:46,820 But you're so strong, 424 00:35:46,895 --> 00:35:50,490 and, well, just so super. 425 00:35:50,565 --> 00:35:53,034 ALL: Fantastic. 426 00:35:53,443 --> 00:35:55,537 Amen, Reverend. Amen. 427 00:35:55,612 --> 00:35:58,912 Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil 428 00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:01,038 into the school cormorant. 429 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:05,881 Now some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part 430 00:36:05,955 --> 00:36:08,128 in the life of the school, but I would remind you 431 00:36:08,541 --> 00:36:12,762 that it was presented to us by the corporation of the town of Sudbury, 432 00:36:13,046 --> 00:36:15,765 to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember 433 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:18,593 the names of all those from the Sudbury area, 434 00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:21,684 who so gallantly gave their lives 435 00:36:21,763 --> 00:36:24,186 to keep China British. 436 00:36:24,265 --> 00:36:28,771 So from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds! 437 00:36:31,272 --> 00:36:33,445 Oh, and, Jenkins, 438 00:36:33,525 --> 00:36:36,074 apparently, your mother died this morning. 439 00:36:36,152 --> 00:36:38,405 Chaplain. 440 00:36:41,533 --> 00:36:45,379 ALL: (SINGING) O Lord, please don't burn us 441 00:36:45,453 --> 00:36:49,549 Don't grill or toast Your flock 442 00:36:49,624 --> 00:36:53,879 Don't put us on the barbecue 443 00:36:53,962 --> 00:36:58,388 Or simmer us in stock 444 00:36:58,466 --> 00:37:02,061 Don't braise or bake or boil us 445 00:37:02,137 --> 00:37:06,187 Or stir-fry us in a wok 446 00:37:07,475 --> 00:37:11,355 Oh, please don't lightly poach us 447 00:37:11,813 --> 00:37:15,943 Or baste us with hot fat 448 00:37:16,025 --> 00:37:16,275 Don't fricassee or roast us 449 00:37:16,276 --> 00:37:20,452 Don't fricassee or roast us 450 00:37:20,530 --> 00:37:24,910 Or boil us in a vat 451 00:37:24,993 --> 00:37:29,419 And please don't stick thy servants, Lord 452 00:37:29,497 --> 00:37:33,343 In a Rotissomat 453 00:37:37,464 --> 00:37:38,966 (BELL RINGING) 454 00:37:39,549 --> 00:37:40,641 He's coming! 455 00:37:40,717 --> 00:37:42,310 (ALL CLAMORING) 456 00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:50,480 All right, settle down, settle down. 457 00:37:52,187 --> 00:37:55,031 Now, before I begin the lesson, will those of you 458 00:37:55,148 --> 00:37:57,992 who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down 459 00:37:58,067 --> 00:38:00,946 onto the lower peg immediately after lunch, 460 00:38:01,029 --> 00:38:02,451 before you write your letter home, 461 00:38:02,530 --> 00:38:05,283 if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother, 462 00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:07,915 who's going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case, 463 00:38:07,994 --> 00:38:09,712 collect his note before lunch, 464 00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:12,007 put it in your letter after you have had your haircut, 465 00:38:12,081 --> 00:38:15,085 and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you. 466 00:38:15,168 --> 00:38:16,215 Now... Sir? 467 00:38:16,544 --> 00:38:17,511 Yes, Wymer? 468 00:38:17,587 --> 00:38:19,806 My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend, sir. 469 00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:22,634 But I'm not having my hair cut today, so do I move my clothes... 470 00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:26,017 I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple. 471 00:38:26,095 --> 00:38:27,597 If you're not getting your hair cut, 472 00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,308 you don't have to move your brother's clothes down to the lower peg. 473 00:38:30,391 --> 00:38:33,144 You simply collect his note before lunch, 474 00:38:33,228 --> 00:38:35,071 after you've done your scripture prep, 475 00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:37,740 when you've written your letter home before rest, 476 00:38:37,816 --> 00:38:39,910 move your own clothes onto the lower peg, 477 00:38:40,026 --> 00:38:42,154 greet the visitors and report to Mr. Viney 478 00:38:42,237 --> 00:38:43,910 that you've had your chit signed. 479 00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:47,575 Now, sex. 480 00:38:50,119 --> 00:38:53,464 Sex, sex, sex. Where were we? 481 00:38:57,585 --> 00:38:59,383 Well, had I got as far as 482 00:38:59,462 --> 00:39:03,217 the penis entering the vagina? 483 00:39:06,594 --> 00:39:08,892 No, sir. No, sir. No, sir. 484 00:39:09,514 --> 00:39:11,437 Well, had I done foreplay? 485 00:39:14,811 --> 00:39:15,812 STU DENTS: Yes, sir. 486 00:39:15,895 --> 00:39:19,195 Ah. Well, as we all know all about foreplay, 487 00:39:19,274 --> 00:39:23,575 no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is. 488 00:39:24,612 --> 00:39:26,205 Biggs. 489 00:39:30,243 --> 00:39:32,291 Don't know. Sorry, sir. 490 00:39:32,537 --> 00:39:33,789 Carter? 491 00:39:34,497 --> 00:39:38,377 Oh, was it taking your clothes off, sir? 492 00:39:39,794 --> 00:39:41,467 Well, and after that? 493 00:39:42,171 --> 00:39:44,549 Oh, putting them on a lower peg, sir. 494 00:39:46,801 --> 00:39:51,147 The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate, 495 00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:54,977 so that the penis can penetrate more easily. 496 00:39:55,351 --> 00:39:56,944 Could we have a window open, please, sir? 497 00:39:57,020 --> 00:39:58,613 Yes. Harris, will you? 498 00:39:58,688 --> 00:40:01,316 And, of course, to cause the man's penis to erect 499 00:40:01,441 --> 00:40:03,739 and harden. 500 00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:05,703 (IN HALING) 501 00:40:05,862 --> 00:40:10,083 Now, did I do vaginal juices last week? 502 00:40:10,158 --> 00:40:11,910 Oh, do pay attention, Wadsworth! 503 00:40:11,993 --> 00:40:14,212 I know it's Friday. Watching the football, are you? 504 00:40:14,287 --> 00:40:17,541 Boy, move over there. I'm warning you. 505 00:40:17,999 --> 00:40:20,718 I may decide to set an exam this term. 506 00:40:20,835 --> 00:40:22,929 Oh, sir! Sir! 507 00:40:23,004 --> 00:40:25,223 So just listen. 508 00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:30,470 Now did I or did I not 509 00:40:30,553 --> 00:40:33,682 do vaginal juices? 510 00:40:34,182 --> 00:40:35,434 STU DENTS: Yes, sir. 511 00:40:35,516 --> 00:40:39,692 Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson. 512 00:40:40,521 --> 00:40:42,114 Rubbing the clitoris, sir? 513 00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:49,364 What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? 514 00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:52,621 Why not start her off with a nice kiss? 515 00:40:52,784 --> 00:40:54,377 You don't have to go leaping 516 00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:56,454 straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. 517 00:40:56,537 --> 00:40:58,881 Give her a kiss, boy. 518 00:41:00,083 --> 00:41:03,212 Suck the nipple, sir? Good, good. Well done, Wymer. 519 00:41:03,294 --> 00:41:05,638 Stroking the thighs, sir? Yes, yes. 520 00:41:05,713 --> 00:41:07,636 I suppose so. Biting the neck. 521 00:41:07,715 --> 00:41:09,809 Yes, good. Nibbling the earlobe, 522 00:41:09,884 --> 00:41:12,558 kneading the buttocks and so on and so forth. 523 00:41:12,637 --> 00:41:14,890 So we have all these possibilities, 524 00:41:15,056 --> 00:41:19,232 before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson. 525 00:41:19,686 --> 00:41:21,484 Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. 526 00:41:21,562 --> 00:41:24,736 Now, all these forms of stimulation 527 00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:27,285 can now take place. 528 00:41:36,244 --> 00:41:38,793 And, of course, tonguing will give you the best idea 529 00:41:39,038 --> 00:41:42,588 of how the juices are coming along. 530 00:41:42,667 --> 00:41:46,297 Helen? Now, penetration and coitus, 531 00:41:46,379 --> 00:41:50,429 that is to say intercourse up to and including orgasm. 532 00:41:51,634 --> 00:41:56,265 Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter. 533 00:41:56,347 --> 00:41:57,974 Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry. 534 00:41:58,057 --> 00:41:59,684 H ELEN: Humphrey, I hope you don't mind. 535 00:41:59,767 --> 00:42:02,236 I told the Garfields we would dine with them tonight. 536 00:42:02,311 --> 00:42:04,188 Yes, yes, well, I suppose we must. 537 00:42:04,272 --> 00:42:06,115 I said we'd be there by 8:00. 538 00:42:06,274 --> 00:42:08,993 At least it'll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting. 539 00:42:09,277 --> 00:42:11,951 I know you don't like them, but I couldn't make another excuse. 540 00:42:12,030 --> 00:42:13,828 It's just that I felt... 541 00:42:14,824 --> 00:42:18,078 Wymer, this is for your benefit. 542 00:42:18,161 --> 00:42:20,289 Would you kindly wake up? 543 00:42:20,663 --> 00:42:23,291 I've no intention of going through this all again. 544 00:42:34,135 --> 00:42:37,389 We'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind, dear. 545 00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:38,564 No, of course not, Humphrey. 546 00:42:38,639 --> 00:42:43,145 So, the man starts by entering or mounting his good lady wife, 547 00:42:43,227 --> 00:42:45,025 in the standard way. 548 00:42:45,104 --> 00:42:50,281 The penis is now, as you will observe, more or less fully erect. 549 00:42:50,443 --> 00:42:52,821 There we are, that's better. 550 00:42:52,945 --> 00:42:55,118 Now, Carter. 551 00:42:55,490 --> 00:42:57,663 Yes, sir? What is it? 552 00:42:59,243 --> 00:43:02,668 It's an ocarina, sir. Bring it up here. 553 00:43:03,289 --> 00:43:07,260 The man now starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic area, 554 00:43:07,335 --> 00:43:10,259 moving the penis up and down inside the vagina. 555 00:43:10,338 --> 00:43:14,218 Put it there, boy. Put it there on the table. 556 00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:18,271 While the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation by the shaft of the penis, 557 00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:20,098 by pushing forward. 558 00:43:20,223 --> 00:43:21,520 Thank you, dear. 559 00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:25,945 What's funny, Biggs? 560 00:43:26,896 --> 00:43:27,943 Oh, nothing, sir. 561 00:43:28,022 --> 00:43:30,366 Do, please, share your little joke with the rest of us. 562 00:43:30,483 --> 00:43:33,282 I mean, obviously, something frightfully funny's going on. 563 00:43:33,361 --> 00:43:34,578 No, honestly, sir. 564 00:43:34,654 --> 00:43:35,997 Well, as it's so funny, 565 00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:39,372 I think you'd better be selected to play for the boys' team, 566 00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:42,078 in the rugby match against the masters this afternoon. 567 00:43:43,204 --> 00:43:44,751 Oh, no, sir! 568 00:43:47,708 --> 00:43:49,210 (MEN CHEERING) 569 00:43:54,215 --> 00:43:57,139 MAN: Come on, Buster! 570 00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:04,017 (SCREAMING) 571 00:44:04,433 --> 00:44:07,061 Well played, well played. 572 00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:08,772 (GROANS) 573 00:44:12,108 --> 00:44:13,735 (BOYS GROANING) 574 00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:21,204 (WH ISTLE BLOWS) 575 00:44:27,623 --> 00:44:28,966 (GROANING) 576 00:44:36,757 --> 00:44:38,259 (WH ISTLE BLOWS) 577 00:45:17,089 --> 00:45:18,466 (GU NS FIRING) 578 00:45:23,846 --> 00:45:25,723 (IN DISTINCT CHATTERING) 579 00:45:25,848 --> 00:45:27,145 (GUNFIRE) 580 00:45:27,433 --> 00:45:28,810 (EXPLOSIONS) 581 00:45:30,519 --> 00:45:34,695 NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part three. Fighting each other. 582 00:45:40,613 --> 00:45:43,833 Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters, you take the buggers on the left flank. 583 00:45:43,950 --> 00:45:45,793 Hordern, Spadger and I will go for the gun post. 584 00:45:45,868 --> 00:45:46,915 Hang on, 68. 585 00:45:46,994 --> 00:45:49,747 You'll never make it, let us come with you. Do as you're told, man. 586 00:45:49,830 --> 00:45:52,504 Righto, Skipper. Oh, sir, sir? 587 00:45:52,708 --> 00:45:55,678 (STAMMERING) If we don't meet again, sir. 588 00:45:55,920 --> 00:46:00,426 I'd just like to say it's been a real privilege fighting alongside you, sir. 589 00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:03,933 Yes, well, this is hardly the time or place for a goodbye speech, eh? 590 00:46:04,011 --> 00:46:08,733 Me and the lads realize that, sir, but, well, we may never meet again, so... 591 00:46:08,933 --> 00:46:10,606 Yes, all right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot. 592 00:46:10,685 --> 00:46:11,777 No, just a moment, sir. 593 00:46:11,852 --> 00:46:14,947 Me and the lads, we've had a little whip-around, sir. 594 00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:19,035 We've bought you something, sir. We bought you this, sir. 595 00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:22,955 Oh! Well, it... I don't know what to say. 596 00:46:23,030 --> 00:46:27,410 It's a lovely thought. Thank you. Thank you all. 597 00:46:27,493 --> 00:46:29,495 But I think we'd better get to cover... 598 00:46:29,578 --> 00:46:31,000 (EXPLOSIONS) 599 00:46:31,539 --> 00:46:35,510 We've got something else for you as well, sir. 600 00:46:35,584 --> 00:46:38,337 Sorry it's another clock, sir, only there was a bit of a mix-up. 601 00:46:38,421 --> 00:46:40,765 Walters thought he was buying a present 602 00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:43,389 and Spadger and I had already got the other one. 603 00:46:44,010 --> 00:46:46,354 Well, it's beautiful, they're both beautiful. 604 00:46:46,429 --> 00:46:47,726 (GU N FIRING) 605 00:46:48,848 --> 00:46:50,566 I think we'd better get to cover now. 606 00:46:50,641 --> 00:46:52,268 I'll thank you properly later on. 607 00:46:52,351 --> 00:46:54,399 Corporal Sturridge got this for you as well, sir. 608 00:46:54,478 --> 00:46:56,480 He didn't know about the others. 609 00:46:56,564 --> 00:46:59,488 It's Swiss. Well, now, that is thoughtful, Sturridge. 610 00:46:59,567 --> 00:47:01,990 Good man. And there's a card, sir. 611 00:47:02,111 --> 00:47:05,911 From all of us, sorry about the blood, sir. 612 00:47:06,240 --> 00:47:07,241 Thank you all. 613 00:47:07,325 --> 00:47:10,374 Squad! Three cheers for Captain Biggs. 614 00:47:10,453 --> 00:47:11,830 Hip, hip. ALL: Hooray! 615 00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:13,585 Hip, hip. Hooray! 616 00:47:13,706 --> 00:47:15,458 (GU N FIRING) Hip, hip... 617 00:47:15,541 --> 00:47:17,043 Blackitt! Blackitt! 618 00:47:17,126 --> 00:47:20,005 I'll be all right, sir. There's just one other thing, sir. 619 00:47:20,129 --> 00:47:22,473 Spadger, give him the check. Oh, yeah. 620 00:47:22,548 --> 00:47:24,642 Oh, no, this is really going too far. 621 00:47:24,884 --> 00:47:28,184 I don't seem to be able to find it, sir, be in number four trench. 622 00:47:28,262 --> 00:47:30,435 For Christ's sake, forget it, man. 623 00:47:31,932 --> 00:47:34,276 You shouldn't have said that, sir. 624 00:47:35,102 --> 00:47:36,729 You've hurt his feelings, now. 625 00:47:36,812 --> 00:47:38,655 Don't mind me, Spadge. 626 00:47:38,773 --> 00:47:43,244 Toffs is all the same. One minute, it's all please and thank you. 627 00:47:43,444 --> 00:47:46,448 The next, they'll kick you in the teeth. Yeah. 628 00:47:46,530 --> 00:47:49,579 Let's not give him the cake. I don't want any cake. 629 00:47:49,658 --> 00:47:52,207 Look, Blackitt cooked it especially for you, you bastard. 630 00:47:52,286 --> 00:47:54,835 Yeah, he saved his rations for six weeks, sir. 631 00:47:54,955 --> 00:47:56,298 I don't mean to be ungrateful. 632 00:47:56,332 --> 00:47:58,334 (GU N FIRING) I'll be all right... 633 00:47:58,417 --> 00:48:01,011 Blackie! Blackie! 634 00:48:01,087 --> 00:48:04,887 Look at him! He worked on that cake like no one else I've ever known. 635 00:48:04,965 --> 00:48:06,763 Some nights it was so cold we could hardly move 636 00:48:06,842 --> 00:48:08,219 but Blackitt would be out there, 637 00:48:08,302 --> 00:48:11,226 slicing the lemons, mixing the sugar and almonds. 638 00:48:11,305 --> 00:48:15,435 I mean, you try getting butter to melt at 15 degrees below zero. 639 00:48:15,518 --> 00:48:20,649 There's love in that cake, this man's love and this man's care and... 640 00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,108 (GU N FIRING) 641 00:48:22,483 --> 00:48:25,828 Oh, my Christ! You bastard. 642 00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:30,996 All right, we will eat the cake. They're right. 643 00:48:31,158 --> 00:48:33,581 It's too good a cake not to eat. 644 00:48:33,661 --> 00:48:35,004 Get the plates and knives, Walters. 645 00:48:35,079 --> 00:48:36,331 Yes, sir. How many plates? 646 00:48:36,414 --> 00:48:37,586 Six. 647 00:48:37,665 --> 00:48:39,042 (GU N FIRING) 648 00:48:39,583 --> 00:48:42,302 Oh, better make it five. Tablecloth, sir? 649 00:48:42,378 --> 00:48:44,847 Yes, get the tablecloth. 650 00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:47,888 No, no, I'll get the tablecloth. 651 00:48:47,967 --> 00:48:49,560 You better get the gate leg table, Hordern. 652 00:48:49,635 --> 00:48:50,932 (GU N FIRING) 653 00:48:51,011 --> 00:48:53,184 And the little lamp, sir? Yes. 654 00:48:53,264 --> 00:48:55,892 Oh, and while you're at it, you'd better get a doily. 655 00:48:55,975 --> 00:48:58,023 I'll bring two, sir, in case one gets crumpled. 656 00:48:58,102 --> 00:48:59,445 Okay! 657 00:49:03,065 --> 00:49:06,615 But, of course, warfare isn't all fun. Right. Stop that. 658 00:49:06,861 --> 00:49:08,579 It's all very well to laugh at the military, 659 00:49:08,696 --> 00:49:10,619 but when one considers the meaning of life, 660 00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:14,328 it is a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life itself. 661 00:49:14,535 --> 00:49:17,209 Without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint, 662 00:49:17,288 --> 00:49:19,632 against other perhaps more aggressive ideologies, 663 00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:23,753 then reasonableness and moderation could quite simply disappear. 664 00:49:24,462 --> 00:49:27,056 That is why we'll always need an army. 665 00:49:27,131 --> 00:49:29,634 May God strike me down were it to be otherwise. 666 00:49:34,221 --> 00:49:36,315 Don't stand there gawping, 667 00:49:36,390 --> 00:49:39,109 like you've never seen the hand of God before! 668 00:49:39,185 --> 00:49:43,656 Now, today we're going to do marching up and down the square. 669 00:49:43,731 --> 00:49:48,111 That is, unless any of you got anything better to do. 670 00:49:48,319 --> 00:49:50,663 Well? 671 00:49:50,738 --> 00:49:52,866 Anyone got anything they'd rather be doing, 672 00:49:52,948 --> 00:49:57,124 than marching up and down the square? 673 00:49:58,871 --> 00:50:01,294 Yes! Atkinson. 674 00:50:03,584 --> 00:50:08,590 What would you rather be doing, Atkinson? 675 00:50:08,672 --> 00:50:12,393 Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd rather be home with the wife and kids. 676 00:50:14,178 --> 00:50:16,272 Would you now? 677 00:50:16,430 --> 00:50:19,274 Yes, Sarge. Right. Off you go. 678 00:50:19,934 --> 00:50:21,732 Now, 679 00:50:21,810 --> 00:50:24,609 everybody else happy with my little plan, 680 00:50:24,939 --> 00:50:27,533 of marching up and down the square a bit? 681 00:50:27,608 --> 00:50:28,985 Sarge? Yes? 682 00:50:29,068 --> 00:50:30,695 I've got a book I'd quite like to read. 683 00:50:30,778 --> 00:50:32,030 Go read your book then. 684 00:50:32,112 --> 00:50:33,364 Now! 685 00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:38,794 Everybody else quite content to join in 686 00:50:38,953 --> 00:50:42,298 with my little scheme of marching 687 00:50:42,414 --> 00:50:45,133 up and down the square? 688 00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:46,756 Sarge? 689 00:50:46,835 --> 00:50:48,883 Yes, Wyclif, what is it? 690 00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:52,550 Well, I'm learning the piano. 691 00:50:52,633 --> 00:50:54,635 Learning the piano? 692 00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:57,354 Yes, Sarge. And I suppose 693 00:50:57,429 --> 00:51:00,273 you want to go practice, eh? 694 00:51:00,349 --> 00:51:04,354 Marching up and down the square not good enough for you, eh? 695 00:51:04,436 --> 00:51:06,939 Well... Right! Off you go! 696 00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:10,117 Now, what about the rest of you? 697 00:51:11,485 --> 00:51:15,080 Rather be at the pictures, I suppose. 698 00:51:15,781 --> 00:51:17,328 (ALL MUTTERING) 699 00:51:17,700 --> 00:51:19,998 All right! Off you go! 700 00:51:23,497 --> 00:51:25,420 Bloody army. I don't know what it's coming to. 701 00:51:25,499 --> 00:51:28,252 Right. Sergeant Major marching up and down the square. 702 00:51:28,335 --> 00:51:30,212 Left, right, left. 703 00:51:30,296 --> 00:51:32,094 NARRATOR 2: Democracy and humanitarianism 704 00:51:32,172 --> 00:51:34,425 have always been trademarks of the British Army. 705 00:51:34,508 --> 00:51:35,851 SERGEANT MAJOR: Rubbish! Shh! 706 00:51:35,926 --> 00:51:40,147 And have stamped its triumph in the furthest-flung corners of the Empire. 707 00:51:40,556 --> 00:51:40,931 (ALL GRUNTING) 708 00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:42,057 (ALL GRUNTING) 709 00:51:42,182 --> 00:51:43,354 (PEOPLE ULULATING) 710 00:51:43,434 --> 00:51:45,027 (BUGLE SOUNDING) 711 00:51:45,311 --> 00:51:46,813 (GU NS FIRING) 712 00:51:57,197 --> 00:52:00,497 But no matter where or when there was fighting to be done, 713 00:52:00,659 --> 00:52:04,539 it has always been the calm leadership of the officer class 714 00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:07,375 that has made the British Army what it is. 715 00:52:42,409 --> 00:52:44,286 Excuse me. 716 00:52:50,918 --> 00:52:53,216 Morning, Ainsworth. Morning, Pakenham. 717 00:52:53,462 --> 00:52:56,841 Sleep well? Not bad. Bitten to shreds, though. 718 00:52:56,924 --> 00:52:58,847 Must be that hole in the bloody mosquito net. 719 00:52:58,926 --> 00:53:02,180 Yes, savage little blighters, aren't they? 720 00:53:02,262 --> 00:53:04,230 Excuse me, sir. Yes, Chadwick? 721 00:53:04,306 --> 00:53:06,980 I'm afraid Perkins got rather badly bitten during the night. 722 00:53:07,059 --> 00:53:08,527 Well, so did we. 723 00:53:08,602 --> 00:53:10,775 Yes, but I do think Doctor ought to see him. 724 00:53:11,438 --> 00:53:14,817 Well, go and fetch him then. Right you are, sir. 725 00:53:14,900 --> 00:53:17,028 Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Pakenham? 726 00:53:17,111 --> 00:53:19,534 Yes, I suppose so. 727 00:53:19,613 --> 00:53:22,457 Here, now. Come on, boy. 728 00:53:23,242 --> 00:53:24,710 (GU NS FIRING) 729 00:53:24,785 --> 00:53:26,628 (U LU LATING CONTIN U ES) 730 00:53:29,123 --> 00:53:30,500 (SCREAMING) 731 00:53:31,542 --> 00:53:33,590 Morning, Perkins. 732 00:53:33,669 --> 00:53:36,468 Morning, sir. What's all the trouble, then? 733 00:53:36,714 --> 00:53:39,433 Bitten, sir. During the night. 734 00:53:39,508 --> 00:53:40,725 Oh? 735 00:53:40,801 --> 00:53:43,054 The whole leg gone, eh? Yes. 736 00:53:44,012 --> 00:53:45,605 How's it feel? 737 00:53:45,639 --> 00:53:49,314 Stings a bit. Well, it would, wouldn't it? 738 00:53:49,393 --> 00:53:53,114 That's quite a bite you've got there. 739 00:53:53,188 --> 00:53:55,236 Yes. A real beauty, isn't it? 740 00:53:55,315 --> 00:53:56,817 Any idea how it happened? 741 00:53:56,900 --> 00:53:59,369 None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me. 742 00:53:59,445 --> 00:54:02,540 Woke up just now, one sock too many. 743 00:54:02,656 --> 00:54:04,408 You must have a hell of a hole in your net. 744 00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:05,913 We've sent for the doctor. 745 00:54:05,993 --> 00:54:09,042 Hardly worth it, is it? Yes. Better safe than sorry. 746 00:54:09,163 --> 00:54:13,293 Yes. Good Lord, look at this. By Jove! That's enormous. 747 00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:15,844 You don't think it'll come back, do you? 748 00:54:15,919 --> 00:54:17,136 For more, you mean? 749 00:54:17,212 --> 00:54:18,680 You're right. We'd better get this stitched. 750 00:54:18,756 --> 00:54:20,429 Right. Hello, Doc! 751 00:54:20,507 --> 00:54:24,887 Morning. I came as fast as I could. Is something up? 752 00:54:24,970 --> 00:54:29,771 Yes. During the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of off. 753 00:54:30,225 --> 00:54:33,104 Oh, yeah. Been in the wars, have we? 754 00:54:33,187 --> 00:54:34,279 Yes. 755 00:54:34,354 --> 00:54:36,903 Any headache? Bowels all right? 756 00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:41,119 Well, let's have a look at this one leg of yours, then, eh? 757 00:54:42,362 --> 00:54:44,785 Yes. Yes, yes, yes. 758 00:54:44,865 --> 00:54:49,712 Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about. 759 00:54:50,037 --> 00:54:53,132 Oh, good. There's a lot of it about. Probably a virus. 760 00:54:53,207 --> 00:54:56,211 Keep warm, plenty of rest and if you're playing football or anything, 761 00:54:56,376 --> 00:54:58,049 try and favor the other leg. 762 00:54:58,128 --> 00:54:59,846 Oh, righto. 763 00:54:59,922 --> 00:55:01,924 As right as rain in a couple of days. 764 00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:03,850 Oh. Thanks for the reassurance, Doc. 765 00:55:03,926 --> 00:55:05,724 Not at all. That's what I'm here for. 766 00:55:05,803 --> 00:55:08,272 Any other problems I can reassure you about? 767 00:55:08,347 --> 00:55:09,644 No, I'm fine. 768 00:55:09,723 --> 00:55:11,976 Jolly good. Well, must be off. 769 00:55:12,142 --> 00:55:15,646 So it'll just grow back again, then, will it? 770 00:55:16,730 --> 00:55:17,902 Uh... 771 00:55:19,024 --> 00:55:22,278 I think I'd better come clean with you about this. 772 00:55:22,361 --> 00:55:25,956 It's not a virus, I'm afraid. 773 00:55:26,031 --> 00:55:30,002 You see, a virus is what we doctors call very, very small, 774 00:55:30,077 --> 00:55:33,672 so small it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg. 775 00:55:33,747 --> 00:55:36,500 What we're looking for, and this is no more than an educated guess, 776 00:55:36,583 --> 00:55:37,835 I'd like to make that clear, 777 00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:40,171 is some multi-cellular life-form 778 00:55:40,254 --> 00:55:44,680 with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth, about 11 -foot long 779 00:55:44,758 --> 00:55:47,181 and of the genus Felis Horribilis. 780 00:55:47,261 --> 00:55:51,141 What we doctors, in fact, call a tiger. 781 00:55:51,306 --> 00:55:53,149 ALL: A tiger? 782 00:55:53,225 --> 00:55:55,148 ALL: A tiger? 783 00:55:55,477 --> 00:55:57,150 (PEOPLE ULULATING) 784 00:55:59,064 --> 00:56:01,192 A tiger in Africa? Hmm? 785 00:56:01,275 --> 00:56:02,993 A tiger in Africa! 786 00:56:05,112 --> 00:56:07,365 Ah, well, it's probably escaped from a zoo. 787 00:56:07,447 --> 00:56:08,744 Doesn't sound very likely to me. 788 00:56:08,824 --> 00:56:11,202 Mmm-mmm-mmm. SOLDIER: Sir! Sir! 789 00:56:11,285 --> 00:56:13,879 The attack's over, sir. The Zulus are retreating. 790 00:56:13,954 --> 00:56:15,080 Oh, jolly good. 791 00:56:15,163 --> 00:56:16,881 Quite a lot of casualties, sir. 792 00:56:16,957 --> 00:56:18,959 C-division wiped out. Signals gone. 793 00:56:19,084 --> 00:56:21,052 Thirty men killed in F-section. Yes, I see. 794 00:56:21,128 --> 00:56:23,756 I should think about 150 men altogether, sir. 795 00:56:23,839 --> 00:56:25,056 Jolly good. 796 00:56:25,132 --> 00:56:26,349 I haven't got the final figures, 797 00:56:26,425 --> 00:56:28,519 but there's a lot of seriously wounded in the compound... 798 00:56:28,594 --> 00:56:32,315 Yes, well, the thing is, Sergeant, I've got a bit of a problem here. 799 00:56:34,266 --> 00:56:37,065 One of the officers has lost a leg. 800 00:56:37,144 --> 00:56:39,693 Oh, no, sir! I'm afraid so. 801 00:56:39,771 --> 00:56:42,069 Probably a tiger. In Africa? 802 00:56:42,149 --> 00:56:43,275 (MUMBLING) 803 00:56:43,358 --> 00:56:47,238 The MO says we can stitch it back on if we can find it immediately. 804 00:56:47,321 --> 00:56:49,619 Right, sir. I'll organize a party. 805 00:56:49,698 --> 00:56:52,326 It's hardly the time for that, Sergeant. 806 00:56:52,409 --> 00:56:56,130 A search party. Much better idea. 807 00:56:56,955 --> 00:56:58,548 (BUGLE SOUNDING) 808 00:56:58,832 --> 00:57:00,584 (SOLDIERS GROANING) 809 00:57:01,043 --> 00:57:02,260 Sorry about the mess, sir. 810 00:57:02,336 --> 00:57:05,055 We'll try and get it cleared up by the time you get back. 811 00:57:05,130 --> 00:57:07,224 We showed 'em, didn't we, sir? Yes. 812 00:57:07,299 --> 00:57:09,722 Here. We got a search party. Leave that alone. 813 00:57:09,801 --> 00:57:12,600 All this killing, bloodshed. Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it? 814 00:57:12,679 --> 00:57:13,771 Yes, very good. 815 00:57:13,847 --> 00:57:14,939 SOLDIER: Morning, sir. 816 00:57:15,015 --> 00:57:16,392 Nasty wound you've got there, fella. 817 00:57:16,475 --> 00:57:18,318 Thank you very much, sir. 818 00:57:18,977 --> 00:57:21,446 Come on, Private. Making up a search party. 819 00:57:23,482 --> 00:57:25,450 Better than staying home, isn't it? 820 00:57:25,525 --> 00:57:27,744 I mean, at home if you kill someone, they arrest you. 821 00:57:27,819 --> 00:57:30,572 Here, they give you a gun and show you what to do, sir. 822 00:57:30,656 --> 00:57:35,412 I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers, sir. At home, they'd hang me. 823 00:57:35,494 --> 00:57:37,872 Here, they'll give me a fucking medal, sir. 824 00:57:40,666 --> 00:57:42,464 (INSECTS CHITTERING) 825 00:57:53,387 --> 00:57:55,014 (CLEARING THROAT) 826 00:57:55,097 --> 00:57:58,192 Sorry, sir. Thank you, Sergeant Major. 827 00:58:15,993 --> 00:58:17,916 Look! 828 00:58:19,287 --> 00:58:21,415 My God! It's huge! 829 00:58:24,334 --> 00:58:25,506 (TIGER GROWLING) 830 00:58:29,381 --> 00:58:31,099 (MON KEYS SCREECHING) 831 00:58:31,258 --> 00:58:33,932 Don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're not a tiger. 832 00:58:35,429 --> 00:58:37,727 We were just... 833 00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:40,271 Why are you dressed as a tiger? 834 00:58:42,602 --> 00:58:44,604 Oh, why, why, why? 835 00:58:44,688 --> 00:58:46,361 Isn't it a lovely day today? 836 00:58:46,440 --> 00:58:49,740 Answer the question. Oh, we were just... 837 00:58:49,818 --> 00:58:53,743 Well, actually, we're dressed like this because... 838 00:58:54,614 --> 00:58:56,332 Oh, no, that's not it. 839 00:58:56,408 --> 00:58:59,161 Oh, we did it for a laugh. Part of a spree. High spirits. 840 00:58:59,244 --> 00:59:02,043 Simple as that. Nothing more to it. 841 00:59:02,372 --> 00:59:05,342 Well, actually, we're on a mission for British Intelligence. 842 00:59:05,667 --> 00:59:08,170 There's a pro-czarist Asante chief... 843 00:59:08,253 --> 00:59:10,176 No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. 844 00:59:10,255 --> 00:59:12,428 No, no, no, no. We're doing it for an advertisement. 845 00:59:12,507 --> 00:59:14,851 Ah, that's it. Forget about the Russians. 846 00:59:14,926 --> 00:59:17,554 We're doing an advert for Tiger Brand Coffee. 847 00:59:17,637 --> 00:59:19,230 "Tiger Brand Coffee is a real treat. 848 00:59:19,306 --> 00:59:21,775 "Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat." 849 00:59:21,850 --> 00:59:24,228 Now, look... All right, all right. 850 00:59:24,311 --> 00:59:27,611 We are dressed as a tiger because he had an auntie who did it in 1839. 851 00:59:27,689 --> 00:59:30,909 This is the 50th anniversary. No. We're doing it for a bet. 852 00:59:30,984 --> 00:59:31,985 God told us to do it. 853 00:59:32,069 --> 00:59:34,822 To tell the truth, we are completely mad. 854 00:59:34,905 --> 00:59:37,283 We're inmates of a Bengali psychiatric institution, 855 00:59:37,365 --> 00:59:42,087 and we escaped by making this skin out of old used cereal packets. 856 00:59:42,162 --> 00:59:44,460 PERKINS: It doesn't matter! What? 857 00:59:44,539 --> 00:59:48,165 It doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger. 858 00:59:48,191 --> 00:59:49,786 Have they got my leg? 859 00:59:49,836 --> 00:59:52,510 Good thinking. Well, have you? 860 00:59:52,589 --> 00:59:54,933 Actually... Yes? 861 00:59:55,008 --> 00:59:57,181 We were thinking of training as taxidermists. 862 00:59:57,260 --> 00:59:59,308 We wanted to get the feel of it from the animal's point of view. 863 00:59:59,387 --> 01:00:00,434 Be quiet! 864 01:00:00,514 --> 01:00:02,937 Now look, we're just asking you 865 01:00:03,016 --> 01:00:04,939 if you've got this man's leg. 866 01:00:05,685 --> 01:00:07,983 A wooden leg? No, no, a proper leg. 867 01:00:08,063 --> 01:00:13,115 He was fast asleep, and someone or something came in and removed it. 868 01:00:14,027 --> 01:00:15,700 Without waking him up? 869 01:00:18,031 --> 01:00:20,250 Yes. I don't believe you. 870 01:00:20,325 --> 01:00:23,044 We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo. 871 01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:24,963 The owner wanted it taken to Dar Es Salaam. 872 01:00:25,038 --> 01:00:26,005 Shut up! 873 01:00:26,081 --> 01:00:29,756 Now look, have you or have you not got his leg? 874 01:00:29,918 --> 01:00:33,764 Yes. No. No, no, no, no. No. No, no, no. 875 01:00:35,257 --> 01:00:37,851 Why did you say yes? I didn't. 876 01:00:37,926 --> 01:00:39,553 I'm not talking to you. 877 01:00:41,555 --> 01:00:42,898 Um... 878 01:00:44,057 --> 01:00:45,309 Um... 879 01:00:47,018 --> 01:00:48,941 Right. Search the thicket. 880 01:00:49,312 --> 01:00:51,690 Oh, come on. I mean, do we look like 881 01:00:51,773 --> 01:00:53,571 the sort of chaps who'd creep into a camp at night, 882 01:00:53,650 --> 01:00:56,574 steal into someone's tent, anaesthetize them, tissue-type them, 883 01:00:56,653 --> 01:00:58,906 amputate a leg and run away with it? 884 01:00:59,447 --> 01:01:01,074 Search the thicket. 885 01:01:01,366 --> 01:01:03,869 Oh, leg! You're looking for a leg! 886 01:01:03,952 --> 01:01:06,205 Actually, I think there is one there somewhere. 887 01:01:06,288 --> 01:01:08,131 Somebody must have abandoned it here, 888 01:01:08,206 --> 01:01:09,879 knowing you were coming after it. 889 01:01:09,958 --> 01:01:11,881 We stumbled across it, actually, and wondered what it was. 890 01:01:11,960 --> 01:01:13,212 They'll be miles away by now. 891 01:01:13,295 --> 01:01:16,765 We'll have to take all the blame. 892 01:01:17,215 --> 01:01:21,436 Hello, good evening and welcome to The Middle of the Film. 893 01:01:28,268 --> 01:01:30,862 Hello and welcome to The Middle of the Film, 894 01:01:30,937 --> 01:01:33,690 the moment where we take a break and invite you, the audience, 895 01:01:33,773 --> 01:01:37,277 to join us, the filmmakers, in Find the Fish. 896 01:01:38,612 --> 01:01:40,831 We're going to show you a scene from another film 897 01:01:40,906 --> 01:01:43,659 and ask you to guess where the fish is. 898 01:01:43,742 --> 01:01:46,495 But if you think you know, don't keep it to yourselves. 899 01:01:46,578 --> 01:01:48,956 Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you. 900 01:01:49,039 --> 01:01:52,088 So here we are with Find the Fish. 901 01:02:01,760 --> 01:02:05,560 I wonder where that fish has gone. 902 01:02:05,639 --> 01:02:07,562 You did love it so. 903 01:02:07,641 --> 01:02:10,690 You looked after it like a son. 904 01:02:10,769 --> 01:02:15,070 And it went wherever I did go. 905 01:02:15,148 --> 01:02:18,778 Is it in the cupboard? AU DIENCE: Yes! No! 906 01:02:18,860 --> 01:02:23,206 Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish. 907 01:02:23,281 --> 01:02:28,082 And it went wherever I did go. 908 01:02:28,161 --> 01:02:32,541 MAN: It's behind the sofa! Where can that fish be? 909 01:02:32,749 --> 01:02:35,172 MAN 2: Have you thought of the drawers in the bureau? 910 01:02:35,252 --> 01:02:38,347 It is a most elusive fish. 911 01:02:38,421 --> 01:02:42,597 And it went wherever I did go. 912 01:02:42,676 --> 01:02:46,852 Oh! Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish. 913 01:02:46,930 --> 01:02:51,527 Fish, fish, fishy, oh! 914 01:02:51,601 --> 01:02:56,528 Oh! Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish! 915 01:02:56,606 --> 01:03:00,736 That went wherever I did go. 916 01:03:00,860 --> 01:03:04,410 MAN 3: Look up his trunk! MAN 4: Yeah! It's in his trousers! 917 01:03:04,489 --> 01:03:06,867 That was terrific! Great! Yeah! 918 01:03:06,950 --> 01:03:10,545 Best bit so far. Fantastic! Really great! 919 01:03:10,620 --> 01:03:12,873 Really risky, yeah. 920 01:03:16,376 --> 01:03:20,051 They haven't said much about the meaning of life so far, have they? 921 01:03:20,171 --> 01:03:22,640 Well, it's been building up to it. Has it? 922 01:03:22,716 --> 01:03:25,640 Yeah, I expect they'll get onto it now. 923 01:03:25,719 --> 01:03:27,437 Personally, I doubt 924 01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:30,140 they're going to say anything about the meaning of life at all. 925 01:03:30,223 --> 01:03:31,941 Oh, come on. They've gotta say something. 926 01:03:32,017 --> 01:03:33,269 They're bound to. 927 01:03:33,351 --> 01:03:35,228 Yeah. 928 01:03:38,315 --> 01:03:40,363 What do you think the next bit will be? 929 01:03:40,442 --> 01:03:41,443 Caption, I expect. 930 01:03:41,526 --> 01:03:43,758 What, about the next stage of life, you mean? 931 01:03:43,784 --> 01:03:44,851 Oh, yeah. Here we go. 932 01:03:45,113 --> 01:03:46,456 NARRATOR: Middle Age. 933 01:03:46,531 --> 01:03:48,283 FISH: Could've guessed it. 934 01:03:53,913 --> 01:03:56,041 That's much better. Thank you, honey. 935 01:03:56,124 --> 01:03:57,341 You're welcome. 936 01:03:59,169 --> 01:04:00,842 It was all sort of misty before. 937 01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:01,921 (CAMERA CLICKING) 938 01:04:02,005 --> 01:04:05,179 That's fine. Hey! How are you? 939 01:04:05,258 --> 01:04:06,680 Oh, we're just fine. 940 01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:09,138 What kind of food you like to eat this evening? 941 01:04:09,220 --> 01:04:11,348 Well, we sort of like pineapple. 942 01:04:11,431 --> 01:04:13,354 Yeah, we love pineapple. 943 01:04:13,433 --> 01:04:16,312 Yeah, anything with pineapple in is great for us. 944 01:04:16,394 --> 01:04:18,943 Well, how 'bout the dungeon room? 945 01:04:19,022 --> 01:04:20,524 Oh, that sounds fine. 946 01:04:20,607 --> 01:04:22,655 Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food, 947 01:04:22,734 --> 01:04:27,205 served in an authentic medieval English dungeon atmosphere. 948 01:04:28,114 --> 01:04:29,661 (MAN GROANING) 949 01:04:31,659 --> 01:04:34,128 (HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING) 950 01:04:36,623 --> 01:04:38,125 (MAN GROANING) 951 01:04:42,754 --> 01:04:45,257 Isn't this nice? How are ya? 952 01:04:47,092 --> 01:04:50,312 Take a little Kodak. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. 953 01:04:52,639 --> 01:04:53,640 (SCATTING) 954 01:04:53,723 --> 01:04:55,225 (MAN GROANING) 955 01:04:55,725 --> 01:04:57,193 (MUSIC STOPS) 956 01:05:04,818 --> 01:05:08,038 Good evening. Would you care for something to talk about? 957 01:05:08,113 --> 01:05:10,036 Oh, that would be wonderful. 958 01:05:10,115 --> 01:05:12,538 Our special tonight is minorities. 959 01:05:12,617 --> 01:05:14,745 Oh, that sounds real interesting. 960 01:05:14,828 --> 01:05:18,332 What's this conversation here? That's football. 961 01:05:18,415 --> 01:05:20,759 You can talk about the Steelers-Bears game Saturday, 962 01:05:20,834 --> 01:05:24,213 or you could reminisce about really great World Series. 963 01:05:24,295 --> 01:05:26,673 No, no, no. What is this one here? 964 01:05:26,756 --> 01:05:30,511 That's philosophy. Is that a sport? 965 01:05:31,010 --> 01:05:33,183 No, it's more of an attempt 966 01:05:33,263 --> 01:05:37,188 to construct a viable hypothesis to explain the meaning of life. 967 01:05:37,267 --> 01:05:40,362 What was that? What's he saying? 968 01:05:40,437 --> 01:05:42,280 Oh, that sounds wonderful. 969 01:05:42,355 --> 01:05:45,199 Would you like to talk about the meaning of life, darling? 970 01:05:45,817 --> 01:05:47,364 Sure. Why not? 971 01:05:47,444 --> 01:05:49,572 Philosophy for two? Right. 972 01:05:49,654 --> 01:05:51,577 Room? 259. 973 01:05:51,656 --> 01:05:53,875 259. Yeah. 974 01:05:53,950 --> 01:05:56,794 (STAMMERING) How do we... 975 01:05:56,870 --> 01:05:59,123 Oh, you folks want me to start you off? 976 01:05:59,205 --> 01:06:00,627 We'd appreciate that. 977 01:06:00,707 --> 01:06:04,052 Okay! Well, look. 978 01:06:04,127 --> 01:06:07,301 Have you ever wondered just why you're here? 979 01:06:09,215 --> 01:06:12,310 Well, we went to Miami last year and California the year before... 980 01:06:12,385 --> 01:06:16,060 No, no, no. I mean, why we're here, on this planet. 981 01:06:19,517 --> 01:06:20,564 No. 982 01:06:20,643 --> 01:06:24,864 Right. You ever wanted to know what it's all about? 983 01:06:25,064 --> 01:06:26,532 Nope. 984 01:06:26,816 --> 01:06:29,820 Righty-ho! Well, 985 01:06:29,903 --> 01:06:32,497 see, throughout history, there've been certain men and women, 986 01:06:32,572 --> 01:06:36,748 who've tried to find the solution to the mysteries of existence. 987 01:06:37,076 --> 01:06:38,077 Great! 988 01:06:38,161 --> 01:06:40,084 And we call these guys philosophers. 989 01:06:40,205 --> 01:06:42,424 Oh! And that's what we're talking about. 990 01:06:42,499 --> 01:06:44,547 Right! Oh, that's neat. 991 01:06:44,626 --> 01:06:46,469 Well, you look like you're getting the idea, 992 01:06:46,544 --> 01:06:49,172 so why don't I give you these conversation cards. 993 01:06:49,255 --> 01:06:51,679 They'll tell you a little about philosophical 994 01:06:51,705 --> 01:06:53,706 method, names of famous philosophers. 995 01:06:53,760 --> 01:06:56,354 There you are. Have a nice conversation. 996 01:06:56,429 --> 01:06:58,352 Oh, thank you very much. 997 01:06:58,431 --> 01:07:01,526 He's cute. Yeah, real understanding. 998 01:07:01,601 --> 01:07:05,947 Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher. 999 01:07:07,315 --> 01:07:10,945 Oh, yeah. He's the one that begins with an "S." 1000 01:07:13,821 --> 01:07:15,118 Oh. 1001 01:07:17,909 --> 01:07:19,502 Like Nietzsche. 1002 01:07:21,454 --> 01:07:23,422 Does Nietzsche begin with an "S"? 1003 01:07:25,333 --> 01:07:28,052 There's an "S" in Nietzsche. 1004 01:07:29,712 --> 01:07:31,965 Oh, well, yes, there is. 1005 01:07:32,882 --> 01:07:35,135 Do all philosophers have an "S" in them? 1006 01:07:35,593 --> 01:07:37,846 Yeah. I think most of them do. 1007 01:07:38,429 --> 01:07:42,855 Oh. Does that mean Salena Jones is a philosopher? 1008 01:07:43,434 --> 01:07:46,153 Yeah! Right! She could be. 1009 01:07:46,437 --> 01:07:48,531 She sings about the meaning of life. 1010 01:07:48,648 --> 01:07:53,495 Yeah. That's right, but I don't think she writes her own material. 1011 01:07:53,570 --> 01:07:57,575 No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer writes her material. 1012 01:07:57,991 --> 01:08:00,335 No. Burt Bacharach writes it. 1013 01:08:01,703 --> 01:08:03,626 There's no "S" in Burt Bacharach. 1014 01:08:04,372 --> 01:08:05,965 Or in Hal David. 1015 01:08:07,083 --> 01:08:08,676 Who's Hal David? 1016 01:08:09,085 --> 01:08:12,180 He writes the lyrics. Burt just writes the tunes. 1017 01:08:12,255 --> 01:08:15,850 Only now, he's married to Carole Bayer Sager. 1018 01:08:19,137 --> 01:08:22,016 Waiter? This conversation isn't very good. 1019 01:08:22,098 --> 01:08:27,229 Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We do have one today that's not on the menu. 1020 01:08:27,312 --> 01:08:29,280 It's sort of a specialty of the house, you know? 1021 01:08:29,355 --> 01:08:31,323 Live organ transplants. 1022 01:08:32,275 --> 01:08:34,744 Live organ transplants? What's that? 1023 01:08:37,030 --> 01:08:41,456 NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part five. Live organ transplants. 1024 01:08:42,493 --> 01:08:44,166 (DOORBELL RINGING) 1025 01:08:44,412 --> 01:08:46,710 Don't worry, dear. I'll get it. 1026 01:08:46,789 --> 01:08:48,132 (COUGHING) 1027 01:08:48,249 --> 01:08:50,468 (HAVA NAGILA PLAYING) 1028 01:08:54,172 --> 01:08:56,846 Yes? Hello. Can we have your liver? 1029 01:08:57,634 --> 01:08:59,477 What? Your liver. 1030 01:09:00,511 --> 01:09:03,685 It's a large glandular organ in your abdomen. 1031 01:09:05,558 --> 01:09:08,232 You know, it's reddish-brown, it's sort of... 1032 01:09:08,311 --> 01:09:12,407 Yeah, yeah, I know what it is, but I'm using it. 1033 01:09:14,734 --> 01:09:17,954 Come on, sir. Don't muck us about. Hey, hey, hey! 1034 01:09:18,905 --> 01:09:20,327 Hello! 1035 01:09:22,575 --> 01:09:25,169 What's this, then? A liver donor's card. 1036 01:09:25,244 --> 01:09:27,246 Need we say more? No. 1037 01:09:27,330 --> 01:09:31,130 Listen, I can't give it to you now. It says, "In the event of death." 1038 01:09:31,209 --> 01:09:32,426 My God! 1039 01:09:32,502 --> 01:09:36,132 No one has ever had their liver taken out by us and survived. 1040 01:09:36,214 --> 01:09:38,467 Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute. 1041 01:09:38,633 --> 01:09:40,351 (SCREAMING) 1042 01:09:52,897 --> 01:09:54,865 Here. What's going on? 1043 01:09:54,941 --> 01:09:56,739 He's donating his liver, madam. 1044 01:09:58,111 --> 01:10:01,035 Is this because he took out one of those silly cards? 1045 01:10:01,114 --> 01:10:04,038 That's right, madam. Typical of him. 1046 01:10:04,117 --> 01:10:07,872 He goes down to the public library, sees a few signs up, 1047 01:10:07,954 --> 01:10:10,377 comes home all full of good intentions. 1048 01:10:11,124 --> 01:10:15,095 He gives blood, does cold research, all that sort of thing. 1049 01:10:15,169 --> 01:10:16,546 (SCREAMING) 1050 01:10:19,132 --> 01:10:21,806 What do you do with them all, anyway? 1051 01:10:21,884 --> 01:10:24,057 They all go to saving lives, madam. 1052 01:10:24,137 --> 01:10:25,605 That's what he used to say. 1053 01:10:25,680 --> 01:10:28,024 "It's all for the good of the country," he used to say. 1054 01:10:28,099 --> 01:10:29,567 (MAN GASPING) 1055 01:10:29,642 --> 01:10:32,065 Do you think it's all for the good of the country? 1056 01:10:32,228 --> 01:10:33,229 Hmm? 1057 01:10:33,312 --> 01:10:35,735 Do you think it's all for the good of the country? 1058 01:10:35,815 --> 01:10:37,032 I wouldn't know about that, madam. 1059 01:10:37,108 --> 01:10:38,826 We're just doing our jobs, you know? 1060 01:10:38,943 --> 01:10:40,445 (MAN SCREAMING) 1061 01:10:41,320 --> 01:10:43,698 You're not doctors, then? 1062 01:10:44,532 --> 01:10:46,284 Oh, blimey, no. 1063 01:10:47,452 --> 01:10:49,830 Mum, Dad, I'm off out now. 1064 01:10:49,912 --> 01:10:52,506 I'll see you about 7:00? Righto, son. 1065 01:10:52,665 --> 01:10:54,588 Look after yourself. 1066 01:10:54,667 --> 01:10:56,169 (MAN SCREAMING) 1067 01:10:59,213 --> 01:11:02,308 You fancy a cup of tea? 1068 01:11:03,134 --> 01:11:05,728 Oh, well, that'd be very nice. Thank you. 1069 01:11:06,304 --> 01:11:08,898 Thank you very much, madam. Thank you. 1070 01:11:10,641 --> 01:11:12,484 I thought she'd never ask. 1071 01:11:16,731 --> 01:11:18,904 You do realize 1072 01:11:18,983 --> 01:11:23,830 he has to be, well, dead, by the terms of the card, 1073 01:11:24,280 --> 01:11:26,248 before he donates his liver. 1074 01:11:26,657 --> 01:11:30,457 Well, I told him that, but he never listens to me, silly man. 1075 01:11:30,536 --> 01:11:32,584 I mean, I was wonderin'... 1076 01:11:33,414 --> 01:11:35,963 Well, you know, what you was thinkin' of doin' after that. 1077 01:11:36,042 --> 01:11:38,886 I mean, will you stay on your own? 1078 01:11:39,504 --> 01:11:43,850 Or is there, well, someone else, sort of, 1079 01:11:45,718 --> 01:11:47,095 on the horizon? 1080 01:11:47,470 --> 01:11:50,770 I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime. 1081 01:11:50,848 --> 01:11:54,068 Not at all. Very attractive woman. 1082 01:11:54,769 --> 01:11:58,273 Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again. 1083 01:11:59,899 --> 01:12:01,617 Sure? Sure. 1084 01:12:10,117 --> 01:12:13,838 Can we have your liver then? I would be scared. 1085 01:12:13,955 --> 01:12:15,252 All right. 1086 01:12:16,791 --> 01:12:18,589 I'll tell you what. 1087 01:12:19,919 --> 01:12:21,262 Listen to this. 1088 01:12:21,921 --> 01:12:24,800 (SINGING) Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown 1089 01:12:25,049 --> 01:12:27,768 And things seem hard or tough 1090 01:12:28,427 --> 01:12:32,728 And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft 1091 01:12:33,307 --> 01:12:35,776 and you feel that you've had 1092 01:12:36,227 --> 01:12:39,322 quite enough. 1093 01:12:42,441 --> 01:12:45,991 Just remember that you're standing 1094 01:12:46,070 --> 01:12:48,323 On a planet that's evolving 1095 01:12:48,406 --> 01:12:51,535 And revolving at 900 miles an hour 1096 01:12:52,285 --> 01:12:56,335 It's orbiting at 19 miles a second so it's reckoned 1097 01:12:56,414 --> 01:12:59,964 A sun that is the source of all our power 1098 01:13:00,334 --> 01:13:03,838 The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see 1099 01:13:04,297 --> 01:13:07,801 Are moving at a million miles a day 1100 01:13:08,175 --> 01:13:12,180 In an outer spiral arm at 40,000 miles an hour 1101 01:13:12,263 --> 01:13:14,982 Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way 1102 01:13:24,108 --> 01:13:27,908 Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars 1103 01:13:27,987 --> 01:13:31,457 It's a hundred thousand light years side to side 1104 01:13:32,116 --> 01:13:35,541 It bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick 1105 01:13:35,620 --> 01:13:39,341 But out by us, it's just 3,000 light years wide 1106 01:13:39,957 --> 01:13:43,632 We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point 1107 01:13:43,711 --> 01:13:47,215 We go round every 200 million years 1108 01:13:47,757 --> 01:13:51,432 And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions 1109 01:13:51,510 --> 01:13:54,810 In this amazing and expanding universe 1110 01:14:27,838 --> 01:14:31,763 The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding 1111 01:14:31,842 --> 01:14:35,187 In all of the directions it can whizz 1112 01:14:35,721 --> 01:14:39,521 As fast as it can go The speed of light, you know 1113 01:14:39,600 --> 01:14:43,104 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is 1114 01:14:43,187 --> 01:14:47,237 So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure 1115 01:14:47,650 --> 01:14:51,245 How amazingly unlikely is your birth 1116 01:14:51,570 --> 01:14:55,120 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space 1117 01:14:55,199 --> 01:14:58,078 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth 1118 01:15:01,080 --> 01:15:02,297 (SIGHS) 1119 01:15:03,708 --> 01:15:06,507 Makes you feel so, sort of insignificant, doesn't it? 1120 01:15:06,585 --> 01:15:08,212 Yeah. Yeah. 1121 01:15:10,756 --> 01:15:12,554 Can we have your liver, then? 1122 01:15:13,551 --> 01:15:14,848 Yeah, all right. You talked me into it. 1123 01:15:14,927 --> 01:15:15,974 Eric! 1124 01:15:24,937 --> 01:15:28,191 Which brings us, once again, to the urgent realization 1125 01:15:28,274 --> 01:15:31,619 of just how much there is still left to own. 1126 01:15:32,528 --> 01:15:37,455 Item six on the agenda, the Meaning of Life. 1127 01:15:39,577 --> 01:15:42,330 Now, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this. 1128 01:15:42,413 --> 01:15:45,508 I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, 1129 01:15:45,583 --> 01:15:50,134 and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. 1130 01:15:50,963 --> 01:15:53,682 One. People are not wearing enough hats. 1131 01:15:54,425 --> 01:15:56,974 Two. Matter is energy. 1132 01:15:57,386 --> 01:16:02,233 In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. 1133 01:16:02,641 --> 01:16:07,272 Some energies have a spiritual source, which act upon a person's soul. 1134 01:16:07,980 --> 01:16:11,610 However, this soul does not exist ab initio, 1135 01:16:11,692 --> 01:16:14,366 as orthodox Christianity teaches. 1136 01:16:14,820 --> 01:16:16,743 It has to be brought into existence, 1137 01:16:16,822 --> 01:16:19,951 by a process of guided self-observation. 1138 01:16:21,118 --> 01:16:24,543 However, this is rarely achieved, owing to man's unique ability 1139 01:16:24,622 --> 01:16:28,877 to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia. 1140 01:16:33,047 --> 01:16:35,345 What was that about hats again? 1141 01:16:36,717 --> 01:16:38,936 Oh, people aren't wearing enough. 1142 01:16:39,011 --> 01:16:40,433 Is this true? 1143 01:16:40,513 --> 01:16:42,561 Certainly. Hat sales have increased, 1144 01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:44,142 but not pari passu, as our research... 1145 01:16:44,225 --> 01:16:46,774 When you say "enough," enough for what purpose? 1146 01:16:46,852 --> 01:16:49,321 Can I just ask, with reference to your second point, 1147 01:16:49,772 --> 01:16:53,948 when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted... 1148 01:16:56,487 --> 01:16:58,865 Has anyone noticed that building there before? 1149 01:17:01,200 --> 01:17:03,919 What? Good Lord! 1150 01:17:19,093 --> 01:17:20,640 (MAN SCREAMING) 1151 01:17:24,098 --> 01:17:25,725 Good Lord! 1152 01:17:26,100 --> 01:17:29,320 The Crimson Permanent Assurance! 1153 01:17:31,939 --> 01:17:34,943 ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this film to apologize for this unwarranted attack 1154 01:17:35,025 --> 01:17:36,402 by the supporting feature. 1155 01:17:36,652 --> 01:17:38,996 Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality 1156 01:17:39,071 --> 01:17:40,994 and are now taking steps to remedy it. 1157 01:17:43,075 --> 01:17:44,247 Thank you. 1158 01:17:44,535 --> 01:17:48,915 NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part six. The autumn years. 1159 01:17:50,541 --> 01:17:51,713 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1160 01:17:51,792 --> 01:17:54,261 Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean. 1161 01:17:54,962 --> 01:17:57,511 (SINGING) Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis 1162 01:17:58,048 --> 01:18:00,551 Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong 1163 01:18:01,093 --> 01:18:03,972 It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick 1164 01:18:04,054 --> 01:18:07,308 From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick 1165 01:18:07,766 --> 01:18:10,770 So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas 1166 01:18:11,353 --> 01:18:13,981 Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake 1167 01:18:14,398 --> 01:18:18,073 Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend, your percy or your cock 1168 01:18:18,194 --> 01:18:21,448 You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock 1169 01:18:21,739 --> 01:18:24,788 But don't take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock 1170 01:18:24,867 --> 01:18:27,211 And you won't come back 1171 01:18:27,286 --> 01:18:28,629 Thank you very much. 1172 01:18:30,789 --> 01:18:33,087 Oh, what a frightfully witty song. 1173 01:18:33,167 --> 01:18:34,840 Terribly clever. 1174 01:18:37,755 --> 01:18:39,928 Jolly good. Marvelous. 1175 01:18:47,473 --> 01:18:49,771 Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote! 1176 01:19:08,619 --> 01:19:11,498 Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today? 1177 01:19:11,622 --> 01:19:12,794 Better. Better? 1178 01:19:12,873 --> 01:19:15,422 Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up. 1179 01:19:15,584 --> 01:19:17,928 Gaston? A bucket for monsieur. 1180 01:19:22,508 --> 01:19:24,476 There we are, monsieur. 1181 01:19:39,566 --> 01:19:41,785 Merci, Gaston. I haven't finished. 1182 01:19:41,860 --> 01:19:43,362 Oh, pardon! Gaston? 1183 01:19:43,612 --> 01:19:45,239 A thousand pardons, monsieur. 1184 01:19:45,322 --> 01:19:50,123 Now, this afternoon, we have monsieur's favorite, the jugged hare. 1185 01:19:50,369 --> 01:19:54,875 The hare is very high and the sauce is very rich, 1186 01:19:55,165 --> 01:19:59,966 with truffles, anchovies, Grand Marnier, bacon and cream. 1187 01:20:00,045 --> 01:20:02,594 Thank you, Gaston. There's still more. 1188 01:20:03,465 --> 01:20:05,388 Allow me. 1189 01:20:06,385 --> 01:20:08,137 A new bucket for monsieur. 1190 01:20:12,349 --> 01:20:13,646 And the cleaning woman. 1191 01:20:16,937 --> 01:20:19,781 Et maintenant, would monsieur care for an aperitif, 1192 01:20:19,857 --> 01:20:22,360 or would he prefer to order straightaway? 1193 01:20:23,527 --> 01:20:27,407 Today, we have for appetizers, excuse me, 1194 01:20:29,533 --> 01:20:33,003 moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, beluga caviar, 1195 01:20:33,162 --> 01:20:36,666 eggs Benedictine, tarte de poireaux, that's leek tart, 1196 01:20:36,749 --> 01:20:40,674 frogs' legs amandine or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd. 1197 01:20:40,753 --> 01:20:44,883 C'est a dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of puréed mushrooms. 1198 01:20:44,965 --> 01:20:46,933 It's very delicate, very succulent. 1199 01:20:47,217 --> 01:20:48,935 I'll have the lot. 1200 01:20:49,887 --> 01:20:53,892 A wise choice, monsieur. And now, how would you like it served? 1201 01:20:53,974 --> 01:20:56,397 All mixed up together in a bucket? 1202 01:20:56,477 --> 01:20:58,400 Yeah. With the eggs on top. 1203 01:20:58,479 --> 01:21:00,698 But of course. Avec des oeufs frites. 1204 01:21:00,773 --> 01:21:02,150 Don't skimp on the pâté. 1205 01:21:02,232 --> 01:21:03,529 Oh, monsieur, I assure you, 1206 01:21:03,609 --> 01:21:05,987 just because it is mixed up with all the other things, 1207 01:21:06,070 --> 01:21:08,368 we would not dream of giving you less than the full amount. 1208 01:21:08,447 --> 01:21:12,327 In fact, I will personally make sure you have a double helping. 1209 01:21:12,868 --> 01:21:14,461 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 1210 01:21:14,536 --> 01:21:15,958 Something to drink, monsieur? 1211 01:21:16,038 --> 01:21:19,338 Yeah, I'll have six bottles of Chateau Latour '45, 1212 01:21:19,458 --> 01:21:22,553 and a double Jeroboam of champagne. '45. 1213 01:21:22,628 --> 01:21:25,097 Bon, and the usual brown ales? 1214 01:21:25,172 --> 01:21:28,767 Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I could only manage six crates today. 1215 01:21:28,842 --> 01:21:29,889 Tsk, tsk, tsk. 1216 01:21:29,968 --> 01:21:33,097 I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night. 1217 01:21:33,889 --> 01:21:35,857 Shut up! D'accord. 1218 01:21:35,933 --> 01:21:39,187 The new bucket and the cleaning woman. 1219 01:21:46,193 --> 01:21:48,116 Is there something wrong with the food? 1220 01:21:48,195 --> 01:21:49,947 No, the food was excellent. 1221 01:21:50,030 --> 01:21:52,078 Perhaps you're not happy with the service? 1222 01:21:52,157 --> 01:21:53,534 (STAMMERING) No, no complaints. 1223 01:21:53,617 --> 01:21:57,167 It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period. 1224 01:21:58,330 --> 01:22:00,628 And we have a train to catch. 1225 01:22:01,500 --> 01:22:04,800 Oh! Yes, of course. We have a train to catch 1226 01:22:04,878 --> 01:22:07,757 and I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats. 1227 01:22:08,674 --> 01:22:11,518 Madam? Perhaps we should be going? 1228 01:22:12,970 --> 01:22:16,019 Very well, monsieur. Thank you so much. 1229 01:22:16,515 --> 01:22:18,267 So nice to see you, 1230 01:22:18,350 --> 01:22:20,603 and I hope very much we will see you again very soon. 1231 01:22:20,686 --> 01:22:21,687 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 1232 01:22:21,770 --> 01:22:23,113 (BUCKET CLANGING) 1233 01:22:23,188 --> 01:22:26,488 Oh, dear. I have trodden in monsieur's bucket. 1234 01:22:30,487 --> 01:22:32,581 Another bucket for monsieur, 1235 01:22:34,700 --> 01:22:37,123 and perhaps a hose. 1236 01:22:40,330 --> 01:22:42,879 Oh, Max. Really! 1237 01:22:44,334 --> 01:22:45,677 (RETCHING) 1238 01:22:50,716 --> 01:22:51,968 (PANTING) 1239 01:22:58,724 --> 01:23:01,568 Finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint. 1240 01:23:01,643 --> 01:23:02,644 (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) 1241 01:23:02,728 --> 01:23:05,698 Oh, sir, it's only a tiny, little thin one. 1242 01:23:06,064 --> 01:23:08,738 No, fuck off. I'm full. Oh, sir. 1243 01:23:11,403 --> 01:23:13,280 It's only wafer-thin. 1244 01:23:13,530 --> 01:23:18,457 Look, I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. 1245 01:23:18,535 --> 01:23:22,631 Bugger off. Oh, sir, just, just one. 1246 01:23:25,751 --> 01:23:29,426 All right, just one. Just the one, monsieur. 1247 01:23:31,215 --> 01:23:33,092 Voila. 1248 01:23:37,095 --> 01:23:38,972 Bon appetit. 1249 01:24:02,412 --> 01:24:03,789 (EXPLODING) 1250 01:24:04,456 --> 01:24:06,584 (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) 1251 01:24:16,385 --> 01:24:17,887 (PEOPLE COUGHING) 1252 01:24:17,970 --> 01:24:19,472 (MAN RETCHING) 1253 01:24:20,472 --> 01:24:23,646 Thank you, monsieur, and now, here's your check. 1254 01:24:23,850 --> 01:24:25,477 (PEOPLE GAGGING) 1255 01:24:37,698 --> 01:24:42,499 NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part 6B. The meaning of life. 1256 01:24:57,217 --> 01:25:00,437 You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder 1257 01:25:00,512 --> 01:25:04,358 if we'll ever discover the meaning of it all, 1258 01:25:04,725 --> 01:25:06,944 working in a place like this. 1259 01:25:07,394 --> 01:25:11,399 Well, I've worked in worse places, philosophically speaking. 1260 01:25:11,481 --> 01:25:13,449 Really, Maria? Yes. 1261 01:25:14,651 --> 01:25:17,746 I used to work in the Academie Française, 1262 01:25:17,821 --> 01:25:20,244 but it didn't do me any good at all. 1263 01:25:20,324 --> 01:25:25,251 I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid, 1264 01:25:25,579 --> 01:25:28,549 but it didn't teach me nothin', I recall, 1265 01:25:29,333 --> 01:25:34,055 and the Library of Congress you'd have thought would hold some key, 1266 01:25:34,379 --> 01:25:38,259 but it didn't, and neither did the Bodleian Library. 1267 01:25:39,051 --> 01:25:43,056 In the British Museum, I hoped to find some clue. 1268 01:25:43,597 --> 01:25:48,319 I worked there from 9:00 till 6:00, read every volume through, 1269 01:25:48,894 --> 01:25:53,024 but it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery. 1270 01:25:53,357 --> 01:25:57,703 I just kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see. 1271 01:25:58,195 --> 01:26:02,496 Till eventually, me eyes went and me arthritis got bad. 1272 01:26:03,075 --> 01:26:05,919 So now, I'm cleaning up in here. 1273 01:26:07,287 --> 01:26:09,790 But I can't be really sad, 1274 01:26:09,873 --> 01:26:13,548 'cause you see, I feel that life's a game. 1275 01:26:13,627 --> 01:26:16,722 You sometimes win or lose, 1276 01:26:16,797 --> 01:26:19,346 and though I may be down right now, 1277 01:26:19,716 --> 01:26:22,344 at least I don't work for Jews. 1278 01:26:27,140 --> 01:26:29,108 I'm so sorry. 1279 01:26:29,267 --> 01:26:33,022 I had no idea we had a racist working here. 1280 01:26:33,105 --> 01:26:36,200 (STAMMERING) I apologize most sincerely. 1281 01:26:36,441 --> 01:26:37,784 I mean... 1282 01:26:38,819 --> 01:26:41,038 Where are you going? No, I can explain... 1283 01:26:46,618 --> 01:26:48,245 As for me... 1284 01:26:48,829 --> 01:26:52,504 If you want to know what I think, I'll show you something. 1285 01:26:54,793 --> 01:26:57,967 Come with me. WAITER: I was saying that... 1286 01:26:59,172 --> 01:27:00,515 Hello? Come on. 1287 01:27:02,050 --> 01:27:03,222 WAITER: Hello? 1288 01:27:05,262 --> 01:27:07,640 Hello! This way. 1289 01:27:12,936 --> 01:27:14,813 Come on. Don't be shy. 1290 01:27:15,814 --> 01:27:17,782 Mind the stairs, all right? 1291 01:27:22,320 --> 01:27:24,493 I think this will help explain. 1292 01:27:31,997 --> 01:27:33,920 Come along. Come along. 1293 01:27:37,043 --> 01:27:38,966 Over here. 1294 01:27:49,514 --> 01:27:51,061 Come on. Come on. 1295 01:27:53,018 --> 01:27:54,691 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1296 01:27:54,853 --> 01:27:55,945 (HORNS BLARING) 1297 01:27:56,021 --> 01:27:57,318 This way. 1298 01:28:01,234 --> 01:28:02,486 Come on. 1299 01:28:06,490 --> 01:28:07,742 This way. 1300 01:28:09,910 --> 01:28:11,378 Stay by me. 1301 01:28:14,706 --> 01:28:16,333 Nearly there now. 1302 01:28:17,209 --> 01:28:18,711 (CROWS CAWING) 1303 01:28:26,301 --> 01:28:27,769 You see that? 1304 01:28:30,430 --> 01:28:32,398 That's where I was born. 1305 01:28:34,434 --> 01:28:38,439 You know, one day, my mother, 1306 01:28:38,522 --> 01:28:41,071 she put me on her knee and she said to me, 1307 01:28:42,400 --> 01:28:44,653 "Gaston, my son, 1308 01:28:44,736 --> 01:28:47,740 "the world is a beautiful place. 1309 01:28:49,074 --> 01:28:52,419 "You must go into it and love everyone." 1310 01:28:54,412 --> 01:28:59,964 "Try to make everyone happy and bring peace and contentment, 1311 01:29:00,043 --> 01:29:01,761 "everywhere you go." 1312 01:29:03,588 --> 01:29:05,556 So I became a waiter. 1313 01:29:14,432 --> 01:29:18,107 Well, it's not much of a philosophy, I know. 1314 01:29:20,021 --> 01:29:22,900 Well, fuck you. 1315 01:29:23,108 --> 01:29:25,702 I can live my own life in my own way if I want to. 1316 01:29:27,279 --> 01:29:28,371 Fuck off. 1317 01:29:30,699 --> 01:29:32,542 Don't come following me. 1318 01:29:40,292 --> 01:29:44,297 NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part seven. Death. 1319 01:29:47,257 --> 01:29:48,884 (SEAGULLS CAWING) 1320 01:30:09,654 --> 01:30:11,827 NARRATOR: This man is about to die. 1321 01:30:11,990 --> 01:30:14,914 In a few moments now, he will be killed, 1322 01:30:14,993 --> 01:30:17,587 for Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal, 1323 01:30:17,662 --> 01:30:21,587 who has been allowed to choose the manner of his own execution. 1324 01:30:25,587 --> 01:30:27,510 There he is. 1325 01:30:28,006 --> 01:30:29,553 (WOMEN PANTING) 1326 01:30:41,853 --> 01:30:46,450 Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie MacAdam Jarrett, 1327 01:30:47,525 --> 01:30:51,120 you have been convicted by 12 good persons, and true, 1328 01:30:51,404 --> 01:30:56,251 of the crime of first degree making of gratuitous sexist jokes, 1329 01:30:56,534 --> 01:30:58,377 in a moving picture. 1330 01:31:22,727 --> 01:31:24,445 (ARTH UR SCREAMING) 1331 01:31:35,740 --> 01:31:38,914 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. 1332 01:31:40,078 --> 01:31:41,796 (LEAF SOBBING) 1333 01:31:42,998 --> 01:31:44,500 LEAF: (SOBBING) It's no good. 1334 01:31:44,582 --> 01:31:48,257 (STAMMERING) I just can't go on. I'm no good anymore. 1335 01:31:49,421 --> 01:31:51,844 I want to end it all! 1336 01:31:52,590 --> 01:31:54,934 (WIND BLOWING) Goodbye! Goodbye! 1337 01:31:55,010 --> 01:31:56,353 (SCREAMING) 1338 01:32:02,434 --> 01:32:04,937 FEMALE LEAF: Oh, my God! 1339 01:32:05,770 --> 01:32:07,772 (SOBBING) Oh, no! I... 1340 01:32:08,523 --> 01:32:12,824 What'll I do? I can't live without him! I... 1341 01:32:14,029 --> 01:32:15,372 (SCREAMING) 1342 01:32:17,907 --> 01:32:20,001 BOY LEAF: Mummy! GIRL LEAF: Mum, where are you? 1343 01:32:20,160 --> 01:32:22,913 (GIRL LEAF GASPING) Daddy? Mummy? 1344 01:32:22,996 --> 01:32:24,964 GIRL LEAF: Mummy? 1345 01:32:25,165 --> 01:32:26,792 (BOTH SCREAMING) 1346 01:32:31,880 --> 01:32:33,632 (ALL SCREAMING) 1347 01:32:34,424 --> 01:32:35,846 (DOG BARKING) 1348 01:32:41,556 --> 01:32:43,900 (BELL TOLLING) 1349 01:32:48,521 --> 01:32:50,068 (WIN D HOWLING) 1350 01:33:31,106 --> 01:33:32,153 Yes? 1351 01:33:34,150 --> 01:33:35,697 Is it about the hedge? 1352 01:33:38,530 --> 01:33:42,455 Well, I'm awfully sorry, but... I am the Grim Reaper. 1353 01:33:42,534 --> 01:33:45,128 Who? The Grim Reaper. 1354 01:33:45,203 --> 01:33:48,582 Yes, I see. I am Death. 1355 01:33:49,791 --> 01:33:50,792 Yes, well, the thing is, 1356 01:33:50,875 --> 01:33:52,969 we've got some people from America for dinner tonight... 1357 01:33:53,044 --> 01:33:55,422 WOMAN: Who is it, darling? It's a Mr. Death or something. 1358 01:33:55,505 --> 01:33:58,805 He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any at the moment. 1359 01:33:58,883 --> 01:34:02,387 Hello. Don't leave him hanging around outside, darling. Ask him in. 1360 01:34:02,470 --> 01:34:03,722 I don't think it's quite the moment. 1361 01:34:03,805 --> 01:34:04,977 Do come in. Come along. 1362 01:34:05,056 --> 01:34:07,479 Come and have a drink. Do. Come on. 1363 01:34:08,184 --> 01:34:09,561 (CHATTERING) 1364 01:34:11,229 --> 01:34:13,823 It's one of the little men from the village. 1365 01:34:14,149 --> 01:34:16,197 Do come in. Please. 1366 01:34:17,152 --> 01:34:19,871 This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia. 1367 01:34:19,946 --> 01:34:21,948 Hi. And his wife, Debbie. 1368 01:34:22,031 --> 01:34:23,328 Hello, there. 1369 01:34:23,616 --> 01:34:26,870 And these are the Portland Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona. 1370 01:34:26,995 --> 01:34:29,874 Good evening. This is Mr. Death. 1371 01:34:37,172 --> 01:34:40,016 Do get Mr. Death a drink, darling. MAN: Yes. 1372 01:34:41,009 --> 01:34:43,228 Mr. Death is a reaper. 1373 01:34:43,428 --> 01:34:46,602 The Grim Reaper. 1374 01:34:46,931 --> 01:34:49,229 Hardly surprising in this weather. 1375 01:34:51,769 --> 01:34:54,318 So you still reap around here, do you, Mr. Death? 1376 01:34:54,397 --> 01:34:58,948 I am the Grim Reaper. 1377 01:34:59,694 --> 01:35:01,287 That's about all he says. 1378 01:35:01,446 --> 01:35:03,949 There's your drink, Mr. Death. Do sit down. 1379 01:35:04,157 --> 01:35:07,377 We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the Third... 1380 01:35:07,452 --> 01:35:09,125 (GLASS SHATTERING) 1381 01:35:12,123 --> 01:35:16,173 Would you prefer white? I'm afraid we don't have any beer. 1382 01:35:16,252 --> 01:35:17,754 The Stilton's awfully good. 1383 01:35:18,630 --> 01:35:24,603 I am not of this world. 1384 01:35:27,013 --> 01:35:28,560 Good Lord. 1385 01:35:28,765 --> 01:35:31,644 I am Death. 1386 01:35:36,064 --> 01:35:37,190 Well, isn't that extraordinary? 1387 01:35:37,273 --> 01:35:39,651 We were just talking about death only five minutes ago. 1388 01:35:39,734 --> 01:35:43,489 Yes, we were. You know, whether death is really the end... 1389 01:35:43,613 --> 01:35:46,787 As my husband Howard here feels, or whether there is, 1390 01:35:46,866 --> 01:35:50,086 and one so hates to use words like soul or spirit... 1391 01:35:50,203 --> 01:35:52,126 What other words can one use? Exactly. 1392 01:35:52,205 --> 01:35:55,835 You do not understand. 1393 01:35:57,377 --> 01:35:59,721 No. Obviously not. 1394 01:35:59,963 --> 01:36:03,058 I'll tell you something, Mr. Death... You don't... 1395 01:36:03,132 --> 01:36:05,476 Just one moment. I'd like to express on behalf of everybody here, 1396 01:36:05,551 --> 01:36:07,724 what a really unique experience this is. 1397 01:36:07,804 --> 01:36:09,602 J EREMY: Hear, hear. Yes, we're so delighted 1398 01:36:09,681 --> 01:36:11,228 that you dropped in, Mr. Death. 1399 01:36:11,307 --> 01:36:13,981 Can I just finish, please? DEBBIE: Mr. Death. 1400 01:36:14,852 --> 01:36:16,854 Is there an afterlife? 1401 01:36:17,563 --> 01:36:19,281 Dear, if you could just wait, please... 1402 01:36:19,357 --> 01:36:21,075 Are you sure you wouldn't like some sherry or... 1403 01:36:21,150 --> 01:36:23,198 Angela, I'd like to say this, please. 1404 01:36:23,278 --> 01:36:24,404 Be quiet! 1405 01:36:24,487 --> 01:36:25,955 Can I just say this at this time, please? 1406 01:36:26,030 --> 01:36:30,501 Silence! I have come for you. 1407 01:36:32,870 --> 01:36:34,497 You mean to... 1408 01:36:34,580 --> 01:36:37,834 Take you away. 1409 01:36:39,043 --> 01:36:42,092 That is my purpose. 1410 01:36:43,965 --> 01:36:47,185 I am Death. 1411 01:36:49,721 --> 01:36:52,565 Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it? 1412 01:36:52,849 --> 01:36:54,192 I don't see it that way, Geoff. 1413 01:36:54,392 --> 01:36:56,144 Let me tell you what I think we're dealing with here, 1414 01:36:56,227 --> 01:36:59,071 a potentially positive learning experience that can... 1415 01:36:59,147 --> 01:37:02,071 Shut up! Shut up, you American. 1416 01:37:02,150 --> 01:37:05,154 You always talk, you Americans. 1417 01:37:05,320 --> 01:37:08,369 You talk and you talk and you say, 1418 01:37:08,448 --> 01:37:13,375 "Let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say this." 1419 01:37:13,453 --> 01:37:17,128 Well, you're dead now, so shut up! 1420 01:37:17,332 --> 01:37:19,881 Dead? Dead. 1421 01:37:21,919 --> 01:37:25,219 All of us? All of you. 1422 01:37:27,467 --> 01:37:28,559 Now look here. 1423 01:37:28,634 --> 01:37:31,262 You barge in here quite uninvited, break glasses, 1424 01:37:31,346 --> 01:37:33,815 and then announce quite casually that we're all dead. 1425 01:37:33,890 --> 01:37:37,440 Well, I would remind you that you're a guest in this house... 1426 01:37:37,518 --> 01:37:42,900 Be quiet! Englishmen! You're all so fucking pompous! 1427 01:37:43,358 --> 01:37:46,282 None of you have got any balls. 1428 01:37:47,362 --> 01:37:50,115 Can I ask you a question? What? 1429 01:37:50,907 --> 01:37:53,786 How can we all have died at the same time? 1430 01:38:06,589 --> 01:38:09,012 The salmon mousse. 1431 01:38:10,301 --> 01:38:13,350 Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you? 1432 01:38:13,638 --> 01:38:16,812 I'm most dreadfully embarrassed. 1433 01:38:17,392 --> 01:38:20,817 Now the time has come. 1434 01:38:22,230 --> 01:38:26,736 Follow. Follow me. 1435 01:38:40,998 --> 01:38:43,672 Just testing. Sorry. 1436 01:38:45,336 --> 01:38:48,715 Follow me. Now. 1437 01:38:55,513 --> 01:38:56,856 Come. 1438 01:39:00,601 --> 01:39:03,400 The fishmonger promised me he'd have some fresh salmon. 1439 01:39:03,479 --> 01:39:05,607 He's normally so reliable. 1440 01:39:05,690 --> 01:39:08,489 Can we take our glasses? Good idea. 1441 01:39:08,609 --> 01:39:10,532 (IN DISTINCT CHATTERING) 1442 01:39:12,029 --> 01:39:14,623 Hey, I didn't even eat the mousse. 1443 01:39:19,996 --> 01:39:22,465 ANGELA: Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed. 1444 01:39:22,540 --> 01:39:26,044 It really is embarrassing. I mean, to serve salmon with botulism 1445 01:39:26,127 --> 01:39:28,050 at a dinner party is social death. 1446 01:39:28,463 --> 01:39:30,090 (ALL CHATTERING) 1447 01:39:30,548 --> 01:39:33,222 Shall we take our cars? Why not? 1448 01:39:33,301 --> 01:39:36,145 Good idea. Why not? 1449 01:39:37,054 --> 01:39:38,727 (ENGINE STARTING) 1450 01:40:11,589 --> 01:40:15,093 Behold Paradise. 1451 01:40:17,220 --> 01:40:21,100 I love it here, darling. Me, too, Marvin. 1452 01:40:21,474 --> 01:40:24,023 Hello. Welcome to heaven. 1453 01:40:24,560 --> 01:40:26,107 (ELEVA TOR MUSIC PLAYING) 1454 01:40:33,569 --> 01:40:35,788 Excuse me. Could you just sign here, please, sir? 1455 01:40:37,198 --> 01:40:38,199 Thank you. 1456 01:40:38,282 --> 01:40:40,250 There's a table for you through there, in the restaurant. 1457 01:40:40,326 --> 01:40:41,327 Thank you. 1458 01:40:41,452 --> 01:40:44,922 For the ladies. Afterlife mints. 1459 01:40:44,997 --> 01:40:46,795 Thank you. Happy Christmas. 1460 01:40:47,041 --> 01:40:48,509 (TELEPHONE RINGING) Oh, is it Christmas today? 1461 01:40:48,584 --> 01:40:49,881 Of course, madam. 1462 01:40:49,961 --> 01:40:51,929 It's Christmas every day in heaven. 1463 01:40:52,004 --> 01:40:54,803 Oh! How 'bout that? Lovely. 1464 01:41:01,722 --> 01:41:03,349 (PEOPLE GREETING) 1465 01:41:13,651 --> 01:41:15,028 (DRUM BEAT) 1466 01:41:15,111 --> 01:41:16,112 (ALL MURMURING) 1467 01:41:16,529 --> 01:41:17,872 (PEOPLE SHUSHING) 1468 01:41:40,011 --> 01:41:41,934 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1469 01:41:42,013 --> 01:41:46,439 It's truly a real honorable experience to be here this evening, 1470 01:41:46,517 --> 01:41:49,111 a very wonderful and warm 1471 01:41:49,186 --> 01:41:51,564 and emotional moment for all of us. 1472 01:41:52,273 --> 01:41:54,321 And I'd like to sing a song, 1473 01:41:54,400 --> 01:41:57,324 for all of you. 1474 01:42:01,699 --> 01:42:08,207 (SINGING) It's Christmas in heaven All the children sing 1475 01:42:09,123 --> 01:42:12,002 It's Christmas in heaven 1476 01:42:12,293 --> 01:42:16,298 Hark, hark, those church bells ring 1477 01:42:16,380 --> 01:42:19,554 It's Christmas in heaven 1478 01:42:19,842 --> 01:42:23,312 The snow falls from the sky 1479 01:42:23,387 --> 01:42:26,891 But it's nice and warm and everyone 1480 01:42:26,974 --> 01:42:30,319 Looks smart and wears a tie 1481 01:42:36,233 --> 01:42:39,658 It's Christmas in heaven 1482 01:42:39,737 --> 01:42:42,832 There's great films on TV 1483 01:42:43,407 --> 01:42:46,957 The Sound of Music twice an hour 1484 01:42:47,036 --> 01:42:50,290 And Jaws I, II and III 1485 01:42:50,748 --> 01:42:54,423 There's gifts for all the family 1486 01:42:54,502 --> 01:42:58,097 There's toiletries and trains 1487 01:42:58,172 --> 01:43:01,722 TH REE KINGS: (SINGING) There's Sony Walkman headphone sets 1488 01:43:01,801 --> 01:43:05,021 And the latest video games 1489 01:43:05,346 --> 01:43:08,316 It's Christmas It's Christmas in heaven 1490 01:43:09,725 --> 01:43:12,103 Hip, hip, hip, hip hip hooray 1491 01:43:12,269 --> 01:43:15,239 Every single day 1492 01:43:15,773 --> 01:43:18,276 Is Christmas Day 1493 01:43:20,027 --> 01:43:22,780 It's Christmas It's Christmas in heaven 1494 01:43:24,198 --> 01:43:26,792 Hip, hip, hip, hip hip hooray 1495 01:43:26,867 --> 01:43:31,714 Every single day is... 1496 01:43:34,667 --> 01:43:35,543 Well, that's the end of the film. 1497 01:43:35,626 --> 01:43:37,003 Now here's the meaning of life. 1498 01:43:39,463 --> 01:43:40,635 Thank you, Brigitte. 1499 01:43:42,800 --> 01:43:44,473 (CLEARING THROAT) 1500 01:43:45,928 --> 01:43:47,180 Well, it's nothing very special. 1501 01:43:47,388 --> 01:43:49,231 "Try and be nice to people. Avoid eating fat. 1502 01:43:49,306 --> 01:43:51,684 "Read a good book every now and then. Get some walking in, 1503 01:43:51,767 --> 01:43:53,394 "and try and live together in peace and harmony 1504 01:43:53,477 --> 01:43:55,150 "with people of all creeds and nations." 1505 01:43:55,813 --> 01:43:58,737 And finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises, 1506 01:43:58,816 --> 01:44:01,569 to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, 1507 01:44:01,652 --> 01:44:05,202 which is the only way these days to get the jaded video-sated public 1508 01:44:05,281 --> 01:44:07,784 off their fucking arses and back in the sodding cinema. 1509 01:44:07,867 --> 01:44:10,837 Family entertainment? Bollocks. What they want is filth. 1510 01:44:11,036 --> 01:44:12,162 People doing things to each other 1511 01:44:12,246 --> 01:44:14,123 with chainsaws during Tupperware parties, 1512 01:44:14,206 --> 01:44:17,585 baby-sitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, 1513 01:44:17,668 --> 01:44:19,591 vigilante groups strangling chickens, 1514 01:44:19,670 --> 01:44:22,389 armed bands of theater critics exterminating mutant goats. 1515 01:44:22,465 --> 01:44:25,514 Where's the fun in pictures? Oh, well, there we are. 1516 01:44:25,593 --> 01:44:27,891 Here's the theme music. Good night. 1517 01:44:41,275 --> 01:44:45,781 (SINGING) Just remember that you're standing on a planet 1518 01:44:45,863 --> 01:44:50,039 That's evolving and revolving at 900 miles an hour 1519 01:44:51,118 --> 01:44:55,089 It's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned 1520 01:44:55,164 --> 01:44:58,213 A sun that is the source of all our power 1521 01:44:59,084 --> 01:45:02,884 The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see 1522 01:45:03,005 --> 01:45:06,225 Are moving at a million miles a day 1523 01:45:07,009 --> 01:45:10,980 In an outer spiral arm at 40,000 miles an hour 1524 01:45:11,055 --> 01:45:13,899 Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way 1525 01:45:22,942 --> 01:45:26,867 Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars 1526 01:45:26,946 --> 01:45:30,166 It's a hundred thousand light years side to side 1527 01:45:30,950 --> 01:45:34,295 It bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick 1528 01:45:34,370 --> 01:45:38,000 But out by us, it's just 3,000 light years wide 1529 01:45:38,874 --> 01:45:42,469 We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point 1530 01:45:42,545 --> 01:45:45,549 We go round every 200 million years 1531 01:45:46,632 --> 01:45:50,227 And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions 1532 01:45:50,302 --> 01:45:53,522 In this amazing and expanding universe 1533 01:46:26,005 --> 01:46:30,431 The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding 1534 01:46:30,509 --> 01:46:33,638 In all of the directions it can whizz 1535 01:46:34,513 --> 01:46:38,359 As fast as it can go at the speed of light, you know 1536 01:46:38,475 --> 01:46:41,979 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is 1537 01:46:42,062 --> 01:46:46,238 So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure 1538 01:46:46,317 --> 01:46:49,491 How amazingly unlikely is your birth 1539 01:46:50,571 --> 01:46:53,825 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space 1540 01:46:53,908 --> 01:46:56,787 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth