1
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Ladies and gentlemen !

2
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Eddie Murphy!

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Thank you. Thank you so much.
Two times, far two times.

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Before I even get started how about
 a big round of applause for the Bus Boys.

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There's some rules, I got some rules when I show
down and I do my standup, I got rules and shit.

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Faggots aren't allowed to look
at my ass while I'm on stage !

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That's why I keep moving while I'm up here.

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You don't know where the faggot section is, 
you gotta keep movin'.

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So if they do see it, quick, you switch,
they don't get no long stares at your shit...

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...so that their imagination is flowing about my...

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I know when you're looking,
'cos my ass starts to get hot.

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I'm afraid of gay people. Petrified.
I have nightmares about gay people.

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I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood
and find out that Mr. T is a faggot.

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Really, and he'd be walking up to people going:
"Hey, boy ! Hey, boy !"

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"You look mighty cute in them jeans !"

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"Now come on over here,
and fuck me up the ass !"

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"I'm gonna bend over now !"

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"Hey, boy, slow down ! You're gonna miss 
the round, and come too fast !"

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"You make me get get mad I clench up
my buttcheeks and rip your dick of !"

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You know who would be a funny faggot?
Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton!

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Ralph Kramden leaning out the window and:
"Norton! Come on down, I wanna show you somethin'!"

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"Ralphie-boy, whaddaya say there pal of mine ?"

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"You know Norton, I've been watching you.

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And I know you've been watching me.
You watch me! I know!"

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"So, Ralph, what are you gettin' at?"

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"Norton, my friend!
How would you like to fuck me up the ass?"

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"I know you wanna fuck me, Norton!"

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"And you know that I know that you know
that I know that you wanna fuck me!"

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"Now I'm gonna bend over,
and when I do, start fuckin'!"

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"Here I go !"

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"Way to go there, Ralphie-boy!"

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I kid the homosexuals a lot,
'cos they're homosexuals.

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I fuck with everybody. I don't give a fuck if they're...
Just like I'm... I don't mean anything by it.

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You can hang out with a gay person.

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Them guys don't feel, you know, alienated,
like, gay people, 'cos they're gay.

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You can play tennis with a gay person.
Really !

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Just after the game you say:
"I'm gonna get a beer, what's you gonna do ?"

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"I think I'm gonna suck some guy's dick."
"Well, I'll see you later!"

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"You go suck that dick, I'm gonna have the beer."

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Ladies are hip to it too.
Ladies be hanging out with gay people.

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Ladies say:
"Gay men are the best friends I have !"

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"'cos they don't want anything from you, you
don't want anything from them, you just hang out,

43
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you can be with them and get fun and just talk to
them and all that bullshit, maybe hanging out with them.

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You know what's really scary about it? 
That new AIDS shit.

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AIDS is scary 'cos it kills motherfuckers, AIDS!

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That ain't like the good ol' days
when venereal disease was simple.

47
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In the good old days, you got gonorhea,
you dick hurt, go get a shot, cleared right up.

48
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Then they came out with herpes,
you keep that shit forever like luggage.

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And now they got AIDS,
that just kills motherfuckers.

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I say what's next, I guess you just
put your dick in it and explodes !

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And the girl would be on the bed:
"Maybe I should see a doctor about it..."

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Kills people ! It petrifies me 'cos
girls be hanging out with them.

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One night they could be in the club having 
fun with their gayfriend, give them a little kiss.

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And go home with AIDS on their lips !

55
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And then when her husband, like five years later.

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"AIDS?! But I'm not homosexual!"

57
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"Sure you're not homosexual..."

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All the diseases scare me 'cos I'm like these...
 these are fuck years for me, like I'm...

59
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I'm in my sexual prime, this, I fuck now !

60
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These are the years to fuck !
This is when you do your best fucking.

61
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And you just start to learn your body
and getting it on your shoulders on to fuck...

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Like 18 year olds, let me hear you
all in the audience !

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See y'all don't know how to fuck yet, see.

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You get 22. You start movin' all this shit.

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Makin' faces, ever made them fuck faces 
its a cool motherfucking thing.

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You don't do that when you're 18. There's just 1 
expression 'cos you be surprised you fuckin'.

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Plus you don't have
no dick control when you're 18 !

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Ever been sitting around when you was young man,
just sitting in class, your dick gets hard for nothing ?

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You be just sitting there and your
dick's here: "What's going on out there?"

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That's when the teacher say: "Mr Murphy,
would you come over by the board?"

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"No, that's allright.
I'll take the zero."

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Really, no dick control at all. 

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It's even hard to find the pussy when you're 18.

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Ever had that guys? You'd be 
searching for the pussy down there.

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And your dick be sliding down and shit, 
and the girl be going: "That's not it..."

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"Is there any problem ?"
"No, ain't no problem, baby."

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"You got a shoe horn or some shit like that?"

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And this is the business to be in if you want some pussy.
That's why I got in show bussiness, for pussy.

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I figured, if Jimmy Walker can fuck, 
I'm fucking everybody.

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 And it's like that too.

81
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When you do TV-shows, women would be
throwing pussy at me on the street like frisbee.

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"Ed !"
"Thank you ! Appreciate that !"

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Too much pussy, pussy would be
falling outta my pocket.

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Walking out the street, you say:
"Oh, watch your step, that's mine."

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Being a comic though ain't like being no singer.
The singers get all the pussy.

86
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Like the Bus Boys: they fuck everybody.
Bus Boys will fuck anything that moves.

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Come to my house the fish stop swimming.
They don't play.

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Singers gets pussy. 'cos you don't have to,

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even you don't have to look good,
you can sing and get pussy.

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Just be interesting. 'cos this Sex Symbol
is getting pussy and is ugly motherfucker.

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'cos all you have to do is sing, its somethin bout singing,
that is the business, you sing, women go crazy.

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Cos, Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker !

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With big ass lips !

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Mick Jagger's lips are so big black people be going:
"You got some big ass lips !"

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"These are big motherfucking lips !"

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But he's singing !
If you sing you'll get over.

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Luther Vandross is a big
Kentucky Fried Chicken eating motherfucker.

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But he put that shit up like....
And women go:

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Sing ! 'cos all you got to do is sing.

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Michael Jackson, who can sing,
and is a good looking guy.

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But ain't the most masculine fellow
in the world.

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That's Michael's hook, his sensivity !

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That's when women be sayin:
"Michael's just so sensitive..."

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And they eat that shit up. Mike knows.

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He be using women. I've seen Mike walk up to a 
girl and they'd be in the audience and say:

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"Is it allright if I come down there to sing to you..."

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And women go: "Whaaaaa !"

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Then, if you don't scream, Michael
gets really sensitive and cries on your ass.

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Ever hear that record "She's out of my life" ?

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"Tito, give me some tissues."

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"Jermaine, stop teasing."

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You just sing ! I like dudes with masculine voices,
you know, like Teddy Pendergrass.

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Teddy just comes out, takes the lyrics and:

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And scare the bitches that are liking him.

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That motherfucker's crazy,
throw your panties on the stage.

116
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That's whats happening. I like Elvis Presley !

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Really I give credit where credit is due. When 
Elvis was young, he was a bad motherfucker.

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He was vicious. Sing his ass off. He sang so
good, they let him do movies, he couldn't act.

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They said:
"Fuck it ! Let him sing all his dialogues !"

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"Elvis, we got to win this race!"
"We got to win this race...."

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"Elvis, want some lemonade?"
"Lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink...."

122
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Let him sing 'till he was older too,
Elvis was 42 years old.

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He would come out, his stomach was all fat and shit
...and his butt be sticking out and shit...

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looking like he had to shit, out
walking on the stage like this...

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"Excuse me."

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Sing ! That's the key to it.
You don't even have to be able to talk.

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Just sing and get famous.
James Brown's been singing for 20 years.

128
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I don't know what the fuck
James is talkin' about !

129
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,080
I don't understand shit James says !

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I met him once at Saturday Night Live, walked up to him
and said "James, I luv your stuff".

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And whatever James is saying
is some really heavy shit to James.

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'cos at the end of every sentence
he ended up with:

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He meant that shit that he just said !

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And you getting mad you start putting the needle 
back "What the fuck did I just miss?"

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That's a James Brown lyric.
He wrote that shit !

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He's writing a song and:
"I need a word in here: Heaay !"

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"That's good !"

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Band be going:
"What the fuck is James talking about?"

139
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I don't know but we're getting paid,
keep singing.

140
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And people take singers. There's something about 
singers that people just love and shit.

141
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'Cos I... I did Stevie Wonder on a show once.

142
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And black people lost their motherfucking minds !

143
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I have brothers rawling up on me going:

144
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"Hey ! You the motherfucker that'd 
been doing Stevie Wonder?"

145
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"That shit ain't funny, motherfucker !"

146
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:15,320
"Don't you never let me see you do
that shit again ! I'll fuck you up !"

147
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,120
"Stevie Wonder is a musical genius !"

148
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That's terrible ! That's terrible, man !
Your mother brought you up wrong.

149
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I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie 
two months ago, I said:

150
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"Look, Steve, I get 2 months flack over this impression."

151
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"I don't like doin', I ain't doing this shit no more."
Stevie says: "Well I feel that..."

152
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"Shut the fuck up !"

153
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'Cos you gotta cut Steve off quick,
'cos if he starts rolling he talks your ears off.

154
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:52,240
You ever seen Steve win a Grammy and come up
to give one of those long ass acceptance speeches ?

155
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"And the winner is Stevie Wonder !"

156
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'...God's chosen and..."
"Just take the motherfuckin award and get the fuck out !"

157
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'cos if you don't say that the credits will be rolling
and Stevie going: "And I'd like to thank..."

158
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:14,580
I've been in the car and said:
"Just shut the fuck up, Steve!"

159
00:20:14,690 --> 00:20:17,840
I'm telling you, genius and all that shit, 
but you're my boy, man, we hang and,

160
00:20:17,865 --> 00:20:21,189
 I mean, like, it's nice and shit but 
I don't appreciate all the flack.

161
00:20:21,369 --> 00:20:24,205
And personally, the piano and the singing, 
I told you how I feel about singing...

162
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"...I ain't impressed."

163
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"You wanna impress me?
Take the wheel for a little while, motherfucker !"

164
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:39,000
"I heard that shit, man !"
"That shit wasn't funny !"

165
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:42,055
Then I suppose in your little sketch 
Stevie crashed in a tree, right?

166
00:20:42,231 --> 00:20:44,815
"Ha-ha, very funny, motherfucker !"

167
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,800
"Your mother got a wooden leg
with a kick stand, motherfucker !"

168
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:58,800
"Your mother got a mouth in the back
of her neck and the bitch chews like this !"

169
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:05,320
"Motherfucker Stevie Wonder jokes and shit !"

170
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,840
It's hot as fuck in here !

171
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,000
"Take it off !"

172
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:27,440
No, I can't take it off. Maybe ladies would run up
the place holding their pussies going: "Aaaah !"

173
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:32,040
What's going on over there ?
Ladies run down the street and... can't do that.

174
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,320
Do we have the icecream man around here ?

175
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:43,160
Remember when the icecream man
used to come to town when you was little ?

176
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:46,600
And no matter what you was doing
you would stop and lose your fucking mind !

177
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:51,000
There's something about the icecream
truck that makes kids lose it.

178
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:55,400
And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away.
They don't hear their mothers calling

179
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,520
but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck.

180
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:03,720
And no matter what was was going on, the iceman
came, it stopped. You be gettin' some marbles and shit:

181
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:16,920
"Icecream ! Icecream ! The icecream man is coming !
The icecream man is coming !"

182
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:25,400
"Mom ! Mom !"
"Throw down some money !"

183
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,440
"The icecream man is coming !"

184
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:36,000
Then your mother come to the window 
and be throwing change and say:

185
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,920
and bring back my change.

186
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,720
Catch all that shit and run down the street, top speed.

187
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,800
Chasing icecream truck and:
"Icecream !"

188
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:49,400
Icecream man always drove extra blocks away.
And I know he's seen us and shit,

189
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:55,400
but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say: 
"Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run"

190
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:02,640
You'd be behind him doing 50 and 
going: "Icecream !"

191
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,760
"Thank you, icecream man ! Thank you !"

192
00:23:14,214 --> 00:23:18,126
I'd get my icecream and I didn't eat it 
just sing for a little while.

193
00:23:18,161 --> 00:23:19,917
You know how kids are.

194
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:33,400
"I have some icecream, I have some icecream,
and I'm gonna eat it all, I'm gonna eat it all..."

195
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:46,800
The icecream be running down your arm and shit

196
00:23:50,840 --> 00:24:00,240
"You don't have no icecream!
You didn't get none ! You didn't get none !

197
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:11,280
"'cos you are under wellfare, you can't afford it."

198
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:19,920
Other kids would join in: "You can't afford it,
and his father is an alcoholic !"

199
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:48,920
"You dropped your icecream,
you dropped your icecream..."

200
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:12,480
Eat it. I could drop my icecream in a pile
of shit and eat it. I would be like "It's just sprinkles"

201
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,926
Unless your mother catch you doin' 
that nasty shit, though. 

202
00:25:16,339 --> 00:25:18,659
My mother caught me doing that, 
she made me put it down in 1 sentence:

203
00:25:19,724 --> 00:25:22,200
And you dropped that shit, quick.

204
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:27,400
Anybody got them mothers
that would hit you with a shoe ?

205
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:32,160
I had a mother, that was so ashoed
she would do at the drop of a dime.

206
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,520
And fuck you up, wherever she was aiming.

207
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:41,800
And bad with the shoe, carry that shit like a gun, 
my mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe.

208
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,120
And you fucked up, my mom
was walking the room just like:

209
00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:01,160
"Why did you eat your icecream off the floor ?"
"I didn't, I just..."

210
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:12,480
Bad ! Accurate !

211
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:17,280
You'd be in a supermarket and shit and be grabbing
cereals off the counter going: "Mom, can we get this ?"

212
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,360
" I guess not !"

213
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:24,920
And could be doing three different things, be on
the phone with my grandmother, be cooking with this

214
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,600
hand have the phone like this and be sayin'
"Yeah, mama, hold on a second."

215
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:36,400
Fuck you up and God forbid, my mother be
dressed up and had them high heels on.

216
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:40,360
Them pumps, 'cos then she gets
boomerang action going on your ass !

217
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:43,440
And fuck you up in your room, you won't
even know what the fuck happened.

218
00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:45,636
They can hear you when you're getting 
ready to walk out the door.

219
00:26:45,871 --> 00:26:48,064
And hear you on the bunk beds fucking around.
They got that mother hearing.

220
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,480
"Wait a minute, baby."

221
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,400
"Let's go."

222
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:22,047
She was the one who did all the 
disciplining around the house and shit.

223
00:27:23,932 --> 00:27:26,181
Very, very strict house I came from.

224
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:34,000
And I remember when I first went to my first 
contact with a white family, it freaked me out.

225
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:44,240
And I was there, I found some white kids
can curse around the house ! That fucked me up !

226
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:49,080
Coz I couldn't even say "dagg" around my house, 
my momma said "sounds too much like damn."

227
00:27:50,140 --> 00:27:52,210
I got in trouble for saying shit the wrong way.

228
00:27:52,210 --> 00:27:54,040
I was in the house with Tom Kildez.

229
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:59,760
His mother said "Tom you're a little late. He said 
"Come on mom I'm moving as fast as I can shit."

230
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:02,960
And I was standing like this:

231
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:09,760
And if I tried to pull some shit like that
in my house? "Ed, you're a little late !"

232
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:14,760
"Oh, come on, pop, shit, what is this! 
Come on, damn !" My pop just go:

233
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:27,640
"That motherfucker's crazy !"

234
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,200
Remember in the old days
when you could beat up a woman ?

235
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:46,640
Remember that shit back in the 20's, the guys just
smacked their wives in the movies... And they just go:

236
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:54,800
You can't do shit like that no more. Women be
takin' aerobics, and they'll fuck you up now !

237
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:05,000
It's scary too, man ! Especially a black woman.
You hit a black woman she lose her mind !

238
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,800
Seriously. They go crazy, you can have a 
really timid sister for a girl, and smack it be like:

239
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:17,520
"I'm gonna kill you, motherfucker ! You don't hit 
me like that ! You don't hit me shit !

240
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:23,320
"You don't put your hands on my face !

241
00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:29,240
"Baby, please, stop ! Baby, please... stop !
Baby, hold on, stop, please !"

242
00:29:30,180 --> 00:29:35,550
"Calm down, baby, calm down !"
"You don't hit me, motherfucker !"

243
00:29:36,030 --> 00:29:37,600
"So get the fuck out!"

244
00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:41,610
Throw you out your own house, you 
be so scared you get the fuck out too.

245
00:29:42,210 --> 00:29:46,850
That's some shit. You know you're scared when a woman 
says get the fuck out your own house and you leave.

246
00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:51,320
I had a girlfriend once,
I smacked her and got all cool and shit.

247
00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:54,160
And then she got cool
and scared me more and I just left.

248
00:29:55,160 --> 00:30:00,400
"I didn't want to do that shit, baby ! 
But you brought that shit on yourself"

249
00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:03,620
"Dont make me have to do it again."

250
00:30:03,620 --> 00:30:06,060
She said: "No, no I did bring it on myself."

251
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:10,000
"Why don't you just go to sleep !"

252
00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:18,080
Got the fuck out. People are changing.

253
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:24,640
Men are changing too, this shit the guys do now
you couldn't do what they did 30 years ago.

254
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:29,440
In the old days, you had an argument with your
girl in the car, she say: "Let me out of here !"

255
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:32,920
Men would say:
"No, no, we can't have any of that."

256
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:37,200
And nowadays a woman say that shit,
dude: "Get the fuck out !"

257
00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:49,080
Somebody broke wind in here !

258
00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:53,880
I've been trying like not say nothing 
but someone farted in this motherfucker.

259
00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:00,800
That's some long-distance fart too, boy. 

260
00:31:01,940 --> 00:31:04,340
I know you get down with your friends have a good time.

261
00:31:04,340 --> 00:31:07,970
Especially fellas..ya know they play that game, 
they play the fart game you know.

262
00:31:08,470 --> 00:31:10,590
You know you fart around your fellas and its funny.

263
00:31:11,150 --> 00:31:15,590
Dudes be doing that they be gettin in elevators 
farting and laughing and shit.

264
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:22,200
It's nasty ! You play the fart game. I think deep
down inside people wanna smell other people's farts.

265
00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:27,120
'Cos you smell them.
And people always tell you they farted.

266
00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:33,200
They say: "I farted." You don't leave,
you pause a second. "Yeah, you did !"

267
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:38,252
'cos in the back of your mind you wanna 
grade the fart. 

268
00:31:38,287 --> 00:31:40,051
'cos if it smells bad enough, 
two years later you be going:

269
00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:43,160
"Remember that fart you made, two years ago ?"

270
00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:47,650
The fart game you play. 
Starts off around the house when you're little.

271
00:31:48,140 --> 00:31:50,040
Your father introduces you to it.

272
00:31:50,060 --> 00:31:53,080
You'd be sitting in the house on a Saturday morning, 
watching cartoons and your father make a fart and:

273
00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:56,400
"That wasn't me, that was your mother."

274
00:31:56,920 --> 00:32:00,840
"Oh, baby, baby ! I want a divorce, uh !
You're rotten, baby, shit !"

275
00:32:02,390 --> 00:32:07,720
And you join in, grab your little brother, 
sit on his head and fart. You ever do that?

276
00:32:08,270 --> 00:32:12,370
That's a fun game, you little brother freak out and go: "Waaah"

277
00:32:13,250 --> 00:32:16,380
And your father goes: "It's the fart game, 
you'll play one day son."

278
00:32:16,380 --> 00:32:19,440
The fart game, you get your 
best friend in on that shit too.

279
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:23,530
You can walk up to your best friend while he's 
watching a football game and fart in his face.

280
00:32:23,530 --> 00:32:24,530
He won't even get mad.

281
00:32:25,030 --> 00:32:27,970
He just go: "Ok, you got me."

282
00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:34,200
"That was a good one, too ! My mouth was
open. My mouth was open on that !"

283
00:32:35,690 --> 00:32:40,470
I got a scar, over my eye till this day from 
playing the fart game in the bathtub.

284
00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:46,120
Me and my big brother used to play it. We were poor, 
we didn't have mr. bubble, we played the fart game.

285
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:02,000
"I think it's smelly !"

286
00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:14,000
"I'm G.I Joe, I'm swimming on the water..."

287
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:49,170
And my big brother was sitting in the other end 
of the tub, and made shit in the tub.

288
00:33:49,570 --> 00:33:52,840
He wanted to add some excitement to the game.

289
00:33:54,060 --> 00:33:57,840
He said: "And then a big brown shark came."

290
00:34:01,650 --> 00:34:03,700
I jumped up and said: "Aaaaah."

291
00:34:03,810 --> 00:34:07,280
Cut my eye on the soap dish, blood 
gushing out and shit.

292
00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:09,690
Screaming, my mother ran in the bathroom.

293
00:34:09,930 --> 00:34:13,930
Seeing my big brother sittin in the bathroom 
with a piece of shit in his hand.

294
00:34:16,240 --> 00:34:19,710
I was layin at the bottom of the water with blood 
gushing outta my eye...

295
00:34:19,890 --> 00:34:23,480
And G.I. Joe up my ass...

296
00:34:27,240 --> 00:34:29,720
My mother: "What the fuck is going on over here ?"

297
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:38,280
Can I hold somebody's camera.
Anybody bring a camera?

298
00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:42,960
Does its flash go immediately?

299
00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:47,880
Like I don't have to be waiting like my aunt 
and shit "Wait a second now !"

300
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:56,160
They try to press it and the shit don't work they
be going like: "There's something wrong with it..."

301
00:34:56,800 --> 00:35:03,920
And it go immediately the flash. Are you sure?
I'll take a picture of the crowd, for myself.

302
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:17,200
OK, y'all come over here on this now ?

303
00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:23,120
You know ? I'll take two of them.

304
00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:29,600
This ain't no instamatic motherfucker !

305
00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:32,480
I got to wait for the flash and shit !

306
00:35:40,270 --> 00:35:43,600
See you got me waiting I should break your shit.

307
00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:54,880
See the brothers sitting in the back go:
"All this money and he taking motherfucking pictures !"

308
00:35:55,407 --> 00:35:59,154
"I want my picture took, I'd steal
a car motherfucker!"

309
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:06,960
"Hey, man, I said one fuckin' picture !"

310
00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:12,000
"You're going to ruin
my fucking film, man. Come on, shit !"

311
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:15,600
"Who the fuck do you think you are, man !"

312
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:29,880
I'll see you explain the last one
to the guy at the Photomat.

313
00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:34,200
"That's a picture of Eddie Murphy's dick..."

314
00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:37,800
You know what would be a good picture?
Can all the brothers stand up ?

315
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:40,040
All the brothers in the audience?
Straight up ! Everybody up !

316
00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:49,560
Straight up ! I'm serious ! What the fuck are you doing ?
Will you, motherfucker stand up ? Up !

317
00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:52,700
And all the ladies get the cameras up.

318
00:36:52,860 --> 00:36:55,100
We're gonna set the record straight here.

319
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:56,490
When I say go...

320
00:36:56,610 --> 00:36:59,600
...everybody whip out their dick and go: "Wuuuhaaa"

321
00:37:00,615 --> 00:37:03,283
Look how fast the white dudes sat down.

322
00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:12,720
Some of them still standing.
Y'all must be italian !

323
00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:20,680
We got some shit on us.

324
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:23,440
We got all this shit!

325
00:37:24,720 --> 00:37:27,400
We got some dicks hanging down !

326
00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:31,280
Dicks down to this motherfucker !

327
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:33,320
You don't believe it.

328
00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:37,760
White people don't believe it. What's funny about it,
white people are the ones that made up the rumor.

329
00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:44,400
"You know, black people have tremendous dicks,
but I don't believe it !"

330
00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:51,800
You know remains of the first dick was found in Africa ? 
Big ass piece of bone dick on the floor.

331
00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:55,560
"What is this shit ?"
"It's an old dried up dick."

332
00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:59,760
"That means the first dick belonged
to a black man."

333
00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:03,040
Dicks. We got the shit for it.

334
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:07,000
We got nice asses, too. We got our shit on.

335
00:38:11,660 --> 00:38:13,700
You see a white dude would be in this suit like this.

336
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:23,840
"All right, man ! All right, maaan !"

337
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:33,000
I got a friend, Doug, there go Doug, my friend,
Doug's ass is way up here on his back.

338
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:38,360
Ain't it, Doug? Doug be getting shit stains on his collar.

339
00:38:40,510 --> 00:38:44,020
And in restaurants be reaching for his wallet: 
"Lemme get my wallet"

340
00:38:45,070 --> 00:38:49,460
Coz we got our shit hooked, 
all this is hooked up with black people.

341
00:38:49,460 --> 00:38:53,740
Chinese people are fucked all around, 
coz they got little dicks and little asses.

342
00:38:53,740 --> 00:38:55,260
They do and its fucked up the way they walk.

343
00:38:55,260 --> 00:38:59,230
They be walking all light coz they 
ain't got no shit pulling them down.

344
00:38:59,240 --> 00:39:04,120
Now, a brother's dick is too big it fucks 
up his balance so he'd have to do all this shit..

345
00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:17,240
Everytime you see a brother
in a wheel chair he ain't always cripple.

346
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:20,450
He's got big shit hanging down !

347
00:39:20,860 --> 00:39:24,800
That's why all the brothers model 
they drawers in the newspapers. Think 'bout it.

348
00:39:25,470 --> 00:39:29,240
I've been seeing newspapers every sunday morning. 
A white dude in his drawers...

349
00:39:30,370 --> 00:39:32,570
Never have no balls in they drawers.

350
00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:38,480
Smiling and shit. If I had no balls
I wouldn't be smiling this shit.

351
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:45,120
"I don't have any dick !"

352
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:50,760
Brother be standing there..if a brother models 
his drawers they need an extra fold in the page.

353
00:39:52,150 --> 00:39:55,300
They're selling underwear but this niggers
dick is in my coffee.

354
00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:57,640
"Want me stir it for you ?"

355
00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:06,520
That's some true shit.

356
00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:09,480
What's today's date ?

357
00:40:16,410 --> 00:40:17,740
Don't go to cook-outs.

358
00:40:18,240 --> 00:40:19,790
I hate cook-outs man.

359
00:40:19,820 --> 00:40:23,690
Stay away from cook-outs, if you're like me stay away.

360
00:40:23,930 --> 00:40:28,710
I don't like my family come by the house, with 
the relatives I ain't seen since the last cook-out.

361
00:40:29,090 --> 00:40:32,120
You got certain relatives you just see at the cook-out.

362
00:40:32,120 --> 00:40:35,130
And they get on your fuckin nerves every year.

363
00:40:35,300 --> 00:40:37,520
My uncle Gus come by the house every year.

364
00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:40,410
My uncle Gus is the uncle that likes to work the grill.

365
00:40:40,410 --> 00:40:43,420
And don't let nobody touch the grill 
when he's around and shit.

366
00:40:43,420 --> 00:40:44,420
As as soon as he walks in the house its like:

367
00:40:44,430 --> 00:40:45,430
"Get away from that grill you dunna 
know how to start a fire"

368
00:40:46,510 --> 00:40:48,200
"You dunna start no fire, put this fire out. 
This ain't no fire goddamnit."

369
00:40:48,380 --> 00:40:51,920
"Eddie. Eddie go over there get all of 
that wood I need half a tree. Chop that tree."

370
00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:52,920
"Chop down that tree and give me the wood."

371
00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:55,330
"And Charlie go get me 2 gallons of 
gasoline out the shed."

372
00:40:55,350 --> 00:40:58,320
"Two gallons of gasoline, you kids roll up your 
shirt we're gonna start a fire."

373
00:40:58,560 --> 00:40:59,340
"Come on, you wanna eat? You wanna eat?."

374
00:40:59,500 --> 00:41:00,940
"Then shut up and put it on the fire."

375
00:41:00,940 --> 00:41:01,940
"O.k. put that wood on the side there."

376
00:41:01,940 --> 00:41:02,940
"O.k. gimme the gasoline Charlie."

377
00:41:02,940 --> 00:41:05,230
"Hold the match, when I tell you throw the match on
the gasoline all right?"

378
00:41:05,230 --> 00:41:06,230
"When I tell you right? We gonna make a fire. 
We gonna eat.

379
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:10,010
"Here we go pour the gasoline on like this."

380
00:41:10,010 --> 00:41:12,750
"We need the hole 2...get that goddamn lighter fluid 
out of here we can't use that shit."

381
00:41:12,750 --> 00:41:14,950
"Using all the 2 gallons gasoline on this wood."

382
00:41:14,950 --> 00:41:16,810
"And make a fire, we're gonna eat a hamburger o.k.?"

383
00:41:16,810 --> 00:41:18,180
"Here we go, Charlie throw the match."

384
00:41:19,570 --> 00:41:20,940
"NOW THAT"S A FIRE!"

385
00:41:20,940 --> 00:41:23,730
"That's a fire, look at that, look at that."

386
00:41:23,900 --> 00:41:26,930
"He be alright, roll Charlie 'round, roll him around."

387
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:34,320
And uncle Gus is married to my aunt Bunny.
My aunt Bunny got a moustache and shit !

388
00:41:35,240 --> 00:41:38,810
You know one of them lady moustaches? 
It was really cool, back when she was 20.

389
00:41:39,020 --> 00:41:41,270
Ladies had them little thin ones and shit.

390
00:41:41,490 --> 00:41:45,520
Then when they get about 45 like aunt 
Bunny they be havin' a Billy Dee Williams' look.

391
00:41:46,800 --> 00:41:48,960
The shit is bigger than a man's and shit !

392
00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:51,650
Aunt Bunny weight like 300 pounds.

393
00:41:51,750 --> 00:41:55,480
Like 250, real heavy lady and shit. 
And the kids were scared of her.

394
00:41:55,700 --> 00:41:58,850
You got that kid logic going. 
I remember my aunt Bunny come by the house.

395
00:41:58,850 --> 00:41:59,850
It was like.

396
00:41:59,850 --> 00:42:03,530
I was petrified coz she always 
wanted to kiss me and touch me and some shit.

397
00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:07,440
Soon as she walked on the door was like:
"Come here and give aunt Bunny a kiss, baby."

398
00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:09,320
Then you go: "Waaaaa!"

399
00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:16,720
And my mom would say:
"Why don't you go and kiss your aunt Bunny ?"

400
00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:19,600
Kids don't give a fuck, they go:
"She's got a moustache !"

401
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:33,880
Why do kids move so slow
when they be crying?

402
00:42:35,760 --> 00:42:37,160
"Stop making all that noise !"

403
00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:41,280
" I said shut up !"

404
00:42:47,910 --> 00:42:51,080
You be mad coz your mother hit you. You be 
standing there wishing hateful shit on your mother.

405
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,560
"God please kill her !"

406
00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:02,400
"I hope she gets hit by a truck and die !"

407
00:43:02,840 --> 00:43:05,680
"I hate her ! I hate her !
I hate her ! I hate her !"

408
00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:07,560
Shut up or I'll come and give you 
something to cry about.

409
00:43:12,440 --> 00:43:18,240
Than my pop starts talking.
And my pop is fucked up every 4th of July !"

410
00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:22,680
Black men like to claim the house
when they're drunk.

411
00:43:22,980 --> 00:43:25,760
Men period I think, like to claim their house.

412
00:43:25,830 --> 00:43:29,560
They want you to know that if you drunk and they're 
drunk. And you in their house, that it's their house.

413
00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:33,600
My father standing in the middle of 
the cook-out saying: "It's my house !"

414
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:39,920
"You know that it is ? And if you
don't like it, you get the fuck out !"

415
00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:43,640
"I don't give a fuck !"

416
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:48,160
"I don't give a... I pay the motherfucker
bills in this motherfucker !"

417
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:52,720
"And, hey... Kiss my ass if you don't like it !"

418
00:43:55,680 --> 00:43:58,200
"Yes ! Yes, motherfucker, yes !"
'cos you know what it is?

419
00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:05,200
I'm drunk. So what? Beautiful ! I'm drunk. 
I'm drunk ! So what? I'm drunk.

420
00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:07,200
"You know what ?
I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen,

421
00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:10,960
I was drinking out of my glass
in my motherfucker house."

422
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:13,400
"So, fuck it !"

423
00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:21,400
Then he attacks the whole family, like:
"Gus ! Gus, can I ask you a question?"

424
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:23,920
"Why is the fire so big ?"

425
00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:29,240
"Why you made the fire so big ? Look at this shit !
Is a motherfucker ridiculous, Gus !"

426
00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:33,600
"The fire is too motherfucker big ! Why ?

427
00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:35,960
You're coming in every motherfuckin' year, Gus..."

428
00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:40,480
"...and you burn out
my motherfucker backyard ! Why ?"

429
00:44:40,920 --> 00:44:43,320
"I'm cooking motherfucker
hamburgers this big ?"

430
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:47,200
"I'm not cookin' no motherfucking
brontosaurus burgers in this motherfucker !"

431
00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:55,200
"This ain't the motherfucking Flintstones, Gus !
It's my house, motherfucker !"

432
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:58,890
"Look at Charlie standing over there with 
3rd degree burns on em."

433
00:45:01,790 --> 00:45:04,070
"It doesn't make sense no. 
But you take things too far Gus."

434
00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:08,400
"I tell you go an inch, you go 3 inches.
Tell you go 4 inches you go 5."

435
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:10,260
"Give a nigga rope gonna be a cowboy Gus."

436
00:45:10,270 --> 00:45:13,770
"Why don't you listen. Eddie, get that 
motherfucking dog away from my plate."

437
00:45:13,770 --> 00:45:15,560
"I'm gonna shoot this dog."

438
00:45:15,640 --> 00:45:18,150
"I'm gonna shoot this mother... shut up. 
I'm gonna shoot it. Stop crying."

439
00:45:18,170 --> 00:45:20,490
"Stop crying Eddie, cuz you can get the fuck out."

440
00:45:21,080 --> 00:45:23,600
"You're gettin' the fuck...
I know you're seven !"

441
00:45:24,360 --> 00:45:28,520
"But you'll be a seven year old
walkin' the dog no house motherfucker !"

442
00:45:34,570 --> 00:45:36,380
"I hate this motherfucking dog."

443
00:45:37,710 --> 00:45:39,440
"You don't spend time with the dog Eddie."

444
00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:40,440
"You don't feed the motherfucker."

445
00:45:41,170 --> 00:45:44,940
"You don't pet it. You don't even know 
what the fuck the dogs name is anymore do you"

446
00:45:44,940 --> 00:45:48,890
"The dog don't give a fuck he don't know his name. 
The dog is 3 yrs old dont know his name."

447
00:45:48,920 --> 00:45:51,080
"Watch this: Coco ! Where the fuck is it goin' ?

448
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:54,920
The dog's stupid !'cos you 
don't spend time with the motherfucker."

449
00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:58,520
I'm supposed to work hard all day
and come home to feed the motherfucking dog ?

450
00:45:58,720 --> 00:46:00,520
Fuck no, I'm not feeding the motherfucker !"

451
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:02,400
"You know Eddie, when nobody's home."

452
00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:04,120
"When nobody's home you know what I do?"

453
00:46:04,160 --> 00:46:06,960
"I walk to the dog and I kick the motherfucker !"

454
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:13,280
"I kick the motherfucker with everything I got, Eddie !
And then I giggle my motherfucking ass off."

455
00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:18,560
"'cos I hate the motherfucker !
'cos you don't clean up behind it !

456
00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:21,240
"This ain't Scooby-Doo motherfucker !"

457
00:46:21,800 --> 00:46:23,580
"Why can't you clean the dog."

458
00:46:23,590 --> 00:46:27,390
"The dog shits all over the house. 
If noone tells you Eddie you dont clean the shit."

459
00:46:27,510 --> 00:46:28,520
"You let the shit stay forever."

460
00:46:29,010 --> 00:46:31,710
"Shit been in the den for 6 months Eddie."

461
00:46:32,190 --> 00:46:35,950
It's been in the den for 6 months, you kids 
go pass it you act like you don't see it.

462
00:46:35,950 --> 00:46:37,790
"And unless you're told you won't clean the shit."

463
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:41,720
"The shit is hard as a rock now !
It's like motherfuckin furniture in there !"

464
00:46:43,200 --> 00:46:47,450
"I went in there last week to watch the fight, 
and said fuck it I put my drink on top of it Eddie"

465
00:46:47,920 --> 00:46:51,520
"It's a coffee table now !
Why can't you clean up shit ?"

466
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:55,370
"My friends come over and they oh that's 
lovely. It's not lovely it's a piece of shit."

467
00:46:57,160 --> 00:46:59,480
"'Cos my children don't listen !"

468
00:46:59,560 --> 00:47:03,240
Then my aunt Bunny would fall down the steps.
Almost every year.

469
00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:08,600
Ever had a heavy set aunt fall down the steps?
Make a whole lotta fucking noise !

470
00:47:09,200 --> 00:47:12,560
It's scary, too, 'cos they'll be
calling Jesus on the way down !

471
00:47:13,640 --> 00:47:16,704
And aunts don't like to fall straight 
down the steps like a kid,

472
00:47:16,759 --> 00:47:19,747
They be trying to break the fall 
and hold it and stop the shit.

473
00:47:19,782 --> 00:47:22,040
And that's what makes
the fall take a half hour then.

474
00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:24,160
Real loud, like:

475
00:47:28,400 --> 00:47:31,720
"Lord, Jesus Christ, help my lord,
please, Jesus, please !"

476
00:47:35,520 --> 00:47:40,440
"Jesus, God, help, my lord, Jesus, help me I'm falling
down the steps oh lord Jesus Christ please !"

477
00:47:46,400 --> 00:47:47,720
"My shoe !"

478
00:47:50,440 --> 00:47:53,280
"Oh lord Jesus God help us !"

479
00:47:54,760 --> 00:47:58,080
"I'm half way down now help my lord Jesus !"

480
00:47:59,320 --> 00:48:02,600
"Lilian !"
"What is all that fuckin' noise ?!"

481
00:48:07,240 --> 00:48:11,600
"Lilian !
The bitch is falling down the steps again !"

482
00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:22,920
"Lilian ! Lilian !"
"What's wrong, Bunny ?"

483
00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:25,240
"I fell down the steps !"

484
00:48:26,240 --> 00:48:28,835
"Bunny fell down the steps ! Bunny fell down the steps !"

485
00:48:29,016 --> 00:48:31,298
Eddie, go get your aunt Bunny 
something cool for her head !"

486
00:48:31,560 --> 00:48:34,440
"What happened ?"
"Bunny fell down the steps !"

487
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:45,640
"Hey, Charlie ! Aunt Bunny fell down the steps !"

488
00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:53,520
"Gus ! What the fuck is wrong with your wife ?"

489
00:48:54,680 --> 00:48:59,480
"Why can't she walk the fryer steps?
You come up every fuckin' year, Gus..."

490
00:49:00,120 --> 00:49:04,640
"... and you burn down my motherfucker backyard
and your wife rips down the steps !"

491
00:49:05,360 --> 00:49:08,600
"Why ? I work hard to get my place beautiful..."

492
00:49:09,000 --> 00:49:11,600
"...and then the motherfucker come over
and rips the steps down !"

493
00:49:12,600 --> 00:49:15,360
"Look at the motherfucker steps !
They're fucked up, Gus !"

494
00:49:16,240 --> 00:49:18,760
"Why can't she walk the steps ?
You know why she can't walk the steps ?"

495
00:49:18,920 --> 00:49:22,560
"'cos she's a fat hairy bitch !
That's why !"

496
00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:27,520
"That's why, Gus !
And my children are afraid of your wife."

497
00:49:28,040 --> 00:49:30,600
"Eddie's afraid of her !
He has nightmares about your wife !"

498
00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:34,880
I went to his room last week, Gus, he was
in the bed screaming, Oh, help me, help me !"

499
00:49:35,040 --> 00:49:39,080
"I just walk up to him, shake him, ask: What's wrong ?
He said: Aunt Bunny is coming to get me !"

500
00:49:40,160 --> 00:49:43,960
"He's afraid of your wife, 'cos she has
a bigger moustache than his father !"

501
00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:47,760
But you know what it is, Gus ! I figured 
out about your wife. And I'm gonna say it..

502
00:49:51,080 --> 00:49:54,400
I figured out about your wife.
I know where you met your wife.

503
00:49:54,640 --> 00:49:57,520
You told me you met your wife 15 years
ago on a motherfucking camping trip...

504
00:49:57,640 --> 00:50:01,440
"...and that your wife was portorican.
Your wife ain't no motherfucker portorican !"

505
00:50:01,800 --> 00:50:05,920
"I thought she wasn't from the first minute 'cos
I walked up to her I said: "Hi, my name is Vernon."

506
00:50:06,040 --> 00:50:08,440
And she said: "Hello, I'm Bunny. Guni gugu !"

507
00:50:09,360 --> 00:50:11,840
"What the fuck does guni gugu mean, Gus ?"

508
00:50:12,320 --> 00:50:16,680
"I don't know what the fuck that shit is as to this day.
I thought I learned some new spanish shit !"

509
00:50:17,160 --> 00:50:22,480
I went up to my friend: "Hey, Sanchez ! Guni gugu !
And Sanchez says: "Get the fuck outta here !"

510
00:50:23,240 --> 00:50:25,225
I've been walking around for years confused.

511
00:50:25,226 --> 00:50:27,810
And I finally figured out about your wife, 
where you met your wife.

512
00:50:27,920 --> 00:50:30,280
"You didn't meet your motherfucker wife
on no camping trip !"

513
00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:34,120
"Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus ?"

514
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:39,800
"Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, that's why
the bitch's mustache is so motherfucker thick !"

515
00:50:40,200 --> 00:50:42,720
"'Cos you shaved the bitch down 
and taught it to speak !"

516
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:46,720
"I know a motherfuckin' Bigfoot when I see one !"

517
00:50:47,400 --> 00:50:50,920
"You bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus ?
On my children ?"

518
00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:56,360
The bitch can't talk, she can't walk the fryer steps !
She's not trained well, Gus !"

519
00:50:57,160 --> 00:51:01,760
She can not walk steps. I bet she
climb the fuck out a tree though, don't she, Gus ?"

520
00:51:02,080 --> 00:51:05,320
"Doesn't she ? Doesn't she ?"

521
00:51:05,720 --> 00:51:07,640
"But you had to bring her out here !"

522
00:51:07,880 --> 00:51:12,560
Fuck her ! And your motherfucker children?
They're Bigfeet too ! They're half Bigfoot, Gus.

523
00:51:12,560 --> 00:51:17,250
"Cos the m.f. is 6 yrs old and have afros 17 inches long."

524
00:51:17,610 --> 00:51:20,840
"They're little hairy m.f. just like their mother."

525
00:51:20,841 --> 00:51:23,434
Look at the motherfuckers, you know 
how I found out they was bigfoot?

526
00:51:24,589 --> 00:51:26,273
When I took your kids fishing last week.

527
00:51:26,274 --> 00:51:28,275
I put the motherfuckers in the boat Gus.

528
00:51:28,276 --> 00:51:30,272
And I took the worm and I put it on the hooks.

529
00:51:30,273 --> 00:51:34,121
And they both sat there, 
and put the poles down in the boat.

530
00:51:34,122 --> 00:51:37,272
And slammed their face in the water, for 2 mins.

531
00:51:37,673 --> 00:51:40,304
And I think what the fuck are these kids doin.

532
00:51:40,710 --> 00:51:42,194
Then they start movin their heads like this

533
00:51:42,302 --> 00:51:44,571
and the motherfuckers come up with fish.

534
00:51:47,852 --> 00:51:51,570
I jumped back and said can you believe this
motherfuckin shit.

535
00:51:51,680 --> 00:51:56,080
Then kid took the fish out of his mouth, 
looked at his brother and said: "Guni gugu !"

536
00:51:57,360 --> 00:52:00,360
"I said, what the fuck is going on here ?"

537
00:52:02,320 --> 00:52:06,200
"Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus !
But I'll tell you somethin' motherfucker !"

538
00:52:06,360 --> 00:52:11,120
You can take your motherfucker hairy fat ass 
white mustache bitch out the fuck.

539
00:52:11,400 --> 00:52:14,880
"you can go upstairs and get the
motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit..."

540
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:20,240
"and take Eddie and get these motherfucker
long Angela Davis afro-ware motherfucker kids of yours...

541
00:52:20,480 --> 00:52:23,480
"...and put them in the motherfucker
guni gugu-mobile and get the fuck out !"

542
00:52:23,600 --> 00:52:26,080
"And if my wife don't like it
she can get the fuck out too !"

543
00:52:26,840 --> 00:52:28,400
"You missed me, bitch !"

544
00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:38,720
Thank you !

545
00:52:43,880 --> 00:52:45,880
Oh, Jesus.

546
00:52:58,480 --> 00:53:01,800
Oh, shit... I'm in Washington D.C. !

547
00:53:07,320 --> 00:53:09,880
Jesus ! Christ !

548
00:53:10,081 --> 00:53:13,481
This is where Reagan lives. Not far from here.

549
00:53:16,366 --> 00:53:18,758
Hey Ron everyone's booing and I ain't said shit.

550
00:53:26,760 --> 00:53:29,200
Well, tell us something
we don't know, motherfucker !

551
00:53:30,598 --> 00:53:34,568
It ain't like people sit around going "Really does it suck?"

552
00:53:37,243 --> 00:53:39,804
Shit's changing though, we got black politicians now.

553
00:53:40,040 --> 00:53:42,200
Who's that boy... Harold Washington ?

554
00:53:42,960 --> 00:53:46,800
Harold Washington said: "Fuck it !"
And won.

555
00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:51,760
I know he's still sitting around going:
"I really won the motherfucker?"

556
00:53:54,087 --> 00:53:57,176
And Jesse Jackson seen that shit and said: 
"Fuck it, imma run too, fuck it"

557
00:53:58,235 --> 00:54:00,176
"Jesse you can win" i see these brothers going.

558
00:54:00,177 --> 00:54:03,965
"You can win Jesse, coz you're bigger than 
motherfucking Harold Washington."

559
00:54:03,966 --> 00:54:05,632
"Fuck Harold Washington."

560
00:54:05,815 --> 00:54:07,551
"Fuck him man, run for president."

561
00:54:07,600 --> 00:54:10,359
And Jesse going: "Yeah, fuck that shit."

562
00:54:12,440 --> 00:54:15,880
I've seen Jesse in the gym, working
the fuck out, too, for getting into shape.

563
00:54:17,320 --> 00:54:20,067
You know he got a chance he can win. 
White dudes like to do shit like that...

564
00:54:20,068 --> 00:54:22,688
...vote for the wrong dude as a goof.

565
00:54:23,320 --> 00:54:27,040
They get drunk and shit and go like:
"Let's vote for Jesse Jackson !"

566
00:54:31,240 --> 00:54:33,280
"I just voted for Jesse Jackson !"

567
00:54:33,680 --> 00:54:36,480
And next day would be
like this: "He fuckin' won?"

568
00:54:39,360 --> 00:54:42,960
Jesse knows that shit can happen. He gets in shape.
I've seen him running round the track and shit.

569
00:54:43,320 --> 00:54:46,680
I said: "Why the fuck you getting in shape like this?"
He says: ""cos I'm gonna be the first black president."

570
00:54:46,960 --> 00:54:49,680
"I have to give speeches like this: My fellow americans !
As your president I feel

571
00:55:00,240 --> 00:55:01,360
And dude be going:

572
00:55:02,920 --> 00:55:05,000
"He won't stand still !"

573
00:55:19,265 --> 00:55:21,650
I ain't hooked up into all that racism shit.

574
00:55:21,730 --> 00:55:24,843
My motto is, life just be happy with the motherfuckers.

575
00:55:24,860 --> 00:55:26,196
I ain't into all that racism shit.

576
00:55:26,310 --> 00:55:30,079
Racism ain't as bad as it used to be anyway man..
I mean its fucked up but,

577
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:32,608
They don't call niggers, niggers no more and shit.

578
00:55:32,609 --> 00:55:33,600
White people don't say it.

579
00:55:33,610 --> 00:55:36,986
Especially when there's niggas around.
So I guess I wouldn't know it.

580
00:55:39,200 --> 00:55:42,400
I went to Texas to look into racism,
about two months ago.

581
00:55:42,720 --> 00:55:47,040
I had a show down in Texas, got off the plane
and shit, walked up looking for racism.

582
00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:51,640
My friends always told me: "You better
not go to Texas ! They'll fuck you up !"

583
00:55:52,560 --> 00:55:56,440
And when a modern day brother here that shit
"What ! They ain't fucking nobody up!"

584
00:55:56,640 --> 00:55:59,799
Brothers act like they couldn't have 
been slaves back 200 years ago.

585
00:55:59,800 --> 00:56:02,425
Its like motherfuckers liked that shit.

586
00:56:02,920 --> 00:56:05,576
"I wish I was a slave; I would fuck somebody up!"

587
00:56:07,111 --> 00:56:09,658
"Shit..tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton."

588
00:56:09,659 --> 00:56:11,118
"I would have been on the street and shit.. 

589
00:56:11,119 --> 00:56:14,015
"He would came up and say ey 
yo nigga bale this cotton?"

590
00:56:14,072 --> 00:56:16,512
"I'd say suck my dick master."

591
00:56:17,412 --> 00:56:19,781
"Suck my motherfucking dick."

592
00:56:19,782 --> 00:56:20,782
"That's right I ain't baling a motherfucker."

593
00:56:25,520 --> 00:56:27,720
The first dude that got off the boat said that shit.

594
00:56:28,021 --> 00:56:29,303
"Bale that cotton."

595
00:56:29,479 --> 00:56:31,560
"Fuck you, motherfucker !"

596
00:56:32,866 --> 00:56:35,812
Other motherfuckers say: "We bale the shit,
just keep that shit away."

597
00:56:36,205 --> 00:56:38,047
"Just keep that fuckin' shit away from me."

598
00:56:39,400 --> 00:56:41,608
I got of the motherfucking plane, walked up, 

599
00:56:41,987 --> 00:56:43,364
Got up, walked up, my bag.

600
00:56:43,464 --> 00:56:47,892
All my black shit on, black leather, 
big ass medallion and shit on like this.

601
00:56:48,159 --> 00:56:49,569
Little white dude walk up and say: "This your bag?"

602
00:56:49,604 --> 00:56:51,495
I said: "Yes, my fuckin' bag !"

603
00:56:52,760 --> 00:56:57,000
"Why, motherfucker ?
A black man can't have a suitcase ?"

604
00:57:02,400 --> 00:57:05,280
And the dude is like:
"What the fuck's wrong with this guy ?"

605
00:57:08,240 --> 00:57:10,400
Wasn't that bad at all.

606
00:57:11,080 --> 00:57:14,160
I'm winded.
I'm out of breath.

607
00:57:14,480 --> 00:57:16,000
Sweating and shit.

608
00:57:16,200 --> 00:57:18,800
"Do take it off!"
"Shut up, bitch!!"

609
00:57:53,145 --> 00:57:55,776
Y'all didn't know I was a ventriloquist too.

610
00:58:09,610 --> 00:58:11,011
Shit ain't as bad as it used to be.

611
00:58:11,280 --> 00:58:13,410
You know who get it real bad now? 
Chinese people.

612
00:58:13,420 --> 00:58:15,392
They are the ones who be getting fucked over bad.

613
00:58:15,393 --> 00:58:16,393
You be teasin' them and shit.

614
00:58:16,510 --> 00:58:18,643
Ever go into a restaurant and order up some food.

615
00:58:18,659 --> 00:58:21,053
Chinese dude would be in there. 
and when he leave you do like this:

616
00:58:23,720 --> 00:58:26,675
Everybody makes fun of chinese when 
they order some food up and shit.

617
00:58:26,707 --> 00:58:28,636
And they're nice guys, be all courteous and shit.

618
00:58:35,943 --> 00:58:37,386
Your friends and shit be laughing.

619
00:58:37,387 --> 00:58:40,462
And he look out the back and say: 
"The food is coming right up."

620
00:58:44,280 --> 00:58:52,520
He be in the back watching us:
"Very funny. Very funny."

621
00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:58,680
"Make a special Won-Ton soup for him..."

622
00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:08,520
I wonder if they have,
like a McDonald's in China ?

623
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:14,680
Chinese people would be walking and say: 
"Give me a Big Mac and a strawberry shake, 
a large order fry and a cherry pie."

624
00:59:15,320 --> 00:59:18,920
And dude say: "Big Mac, strawberry shake, large
order fry and a cherry pie, coming right up."

625
00:59:30,680 --> 00:59:33,680
That's a fucked up language too, chinese.
Hard to learn.

626
00:59:34,160 --> 00:59:36,800
I wanna learn to speak spanish.
That's the shit.

627
00:59:37,080 --> 00:59:41,840
You know what I'd really want to speak?
I'd like to learn how to speak french, 
'cos that's some cool shit, french.

628
00:59:43,600 --> 00:59:45,920
You can say "I gotta shit" in french 
and it would sound good:

629
00:59:52,240 --> 00:59:53,800
Just sounds good.

630
00:59:54,640 --> 00:59:59,520
I don't like that shit that arabic. That the motherfuckers
be speaking in the 7-11. That shit's fucked for me.

631
01:00:04,640 --> 01:00:06,480
It sounds nasty and shit, would be getting like:

632
01:00:12,200 --> 01:00:14,840
That's a word in arabic:
That means some shit to them !

633
01:00:20,040 --> 01:00:21,760
"Could I have a hamburger cheese roll?"

634
01:00:23,880 --> 01:00:25,120
"Never mind, man."

635
01:00:25,960 --> 01:00:28,880
"I don't want no hakana
on my bread, motherfucker !"

636
01:00:30,800 --> 01:00:31,650
Spanish language. 

637
01:00:31,800 --> 01:00:35,280
You know why I want to learn how to speak 
spanish? Coz I was always a Ricky Ricardo buff.

638
01:00:35,640 --> 01:00:38,600
When he would get mad of Lucy and be saying:

639
01:00:39,715 --> 01:00:41,865
I'd say: "Go on Ricky curse the bitch out."

640
01:00:43,120 --> 01:00:45,738
Ricky would lose his mind. Ricky was cool and shit.

641
01:00:46,002 --> 01:00:49,622
For the fifties Desi Arnaz, Ricky 
Ricardo was a cool motherfucker.

642
01:00:49,623 --> 01:00:52,990
He had his baggies on, pointed shoes, in the club
Babaloo and shit.

643
01:01:15,691 --> 01:01:16,856
Remember that shit?

644
01:01:16,999 --> 01:01:18,397
You be sittin' there like this:

645
01:01:20,720 --> 01:01:22,840
He had a cool ass laugh too, it was like:

646
01:01:30,960 --> 01:01:33,200
"It's justa ridiculous !"

647
01:01:34,040 --> 01:01:38,360
"Hey, Fred ! How would you like
to fuck me up the ass ?"

648
01:01:48,120 --> 01:01:50,440
TV is all screwed...
Any kids here ?

649
01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:54,200
I mean, little kids.
I don't like you bringing those kids down here.

650
01:01:54,640 --> 01:01:57,520
How old are you, man ?
How old ?

651
01:01:58,160 --> 01:02:00,960
13 ? Oh, you're gonna be fucked up
when you leave.

652
01:02:02,040 --> 01:02:04,160
"Dad ! What's a dick, what is that ?"

653
01:02:04,840 --> 01:02:06,560
How old is the other girl, over there ?

654
01:02:07,040 --> 01:02:09,040
Oh, y'all fucked up now !

655
01:02:09,524 --> 01:02:10,770
Y'all thought I would be going like this:

656
01:02:13,180 --> 01:02:15,840
You didn't know I'd be saying: "A dick this big !"

657
01:02:18,920 --> 01:02:22,960
The kid's gonna be waking up and:
"A negro's dick's coming to get me mom !"

658
01:02:24,000 --> 01:02:28,080
I'mma tell you all a joke you can tell in school,
all right, 'cos I've been telling this dirty stuff.

659
01:02:29,000 --> 01:02:31,760
Here's a little joke...
Y'all can listen to it too.

660
01:02:32,560 --> 01:02:38,040
I know lots of times people seen my show then go to 
work and try to tell and fuck my jokes up on the job and shit.

661
01:02:39,720 --> 01:02:42,000
"...and then he said guni gugu !"

662
01:02:43,880 --> 01:02:46,000
"And he had a G.I. Joe up his ass!"

663
01:02:46,800 --> 01:02:50,840
"Hey, I'm Mr. T, I'll rip
your cock off with my ass !"

664
01:02:53,280 --> 01:02:56,320
And dude be standing all:
"Yeah, very funny shit, right..."

665
01:02:57,040 --> 01:03:01,360
Here's a joke you can tell at school,
when school starts.

666
01:03:01,680 --> 01:03:03,760
Everybody be quiet now.
Are you listening guys ?

667
01:03:04,600 --> 01:03:08,840
A bear and a rabbit
are takin' a shit in the woods.

668
01:03:09,800 --> 01:03:14,840
And the bear turns to the rabbit and says: "Excuse me, 
you have problems with shit sticking to your fur ?"

669
01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:17,200
And the rabbit says: "No."

670
01:03:17,560 --> 01:03:20,480
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

671
01:03:35,640 --> 01:03:37,440
I like that joke.

672
01:03:47,680 --> 01:03:51,040
Oh, shit !
Anybody got cable ?

673
01:03:53,640 --> 01:03:59,840
I've been watching a lot of cable lately 'cos I'm
so mad with it. Only good TV show now is Star Trek.

674
01:04:00,840 --> 01:04:02,840
That's some good shit !

675
01:04:04,040 --> 01:04:08,000
I like Captain Kirk, 'cos Captain Kirk
will fuck anybody !

676
01:04:08,440 --> 01:04:12,760
I've seen him beamed down on a planet-
ever seen that when he's fucked this dream bitch?

677
01:04:13,360 --> 01:04:16,760
You gotta be a horny motherfucker
to fuck a dream bitch !

678
01:04:17,640 --> 01:04:21,800
I mean, I'm no racist, but if the bitch is green
there's something wrong with the pussy!

679
01:04:22,880 --> 01:04:24,760
He'll be fucking a mutant and:

680
01:04:32,520 --> 01:04:36,720
Ship be gettin' all fucked up. Mr Scott, I like him
he made me laugh, he's never cool and shit.

681
01:04:36,960 --> 01:04:39,880
He's the opposite of Spock.
The ship be all fucked up and Mr. Scott say:

682
01:04:40,120 --> 01:04:44,840
"Captain, my ship can't take much more 
of this sir. She's about to blow !"

683
01:04:46,360 --> 01:04:48,160
"Let Spock handle it."

684
01:04:48,920 --> 01:04:54,000
And Spock say: "Mr Scott, why don't you take
the phasers and point them at the dylithium crystals

685
01:04:54,120 --> 01:04:56,520
and point them phasers at them
and then use the power from the phasers

686
01:04:56,760 --> 01:04:59,880
to regenerate the dylithium crystals
and we can get out on the impulse power."

687
01:05:00,120 --> 01:05:03,600
"Mr Spock ! It just might wax it !"

688
01:05:03,840 --> 01:05:06,520
"The shit worked last week, motherfucker !"

689
01:05:08,600 --> 01:05:11,420
I got fed up with TV and shit, 
coz I seen all the Star Treks.

690
01:05:11,430 --> 01:05:12,618
I start watching cable.

691
01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:16,161
I was watching Poltergeist last month.

692
01:05:16,196 --> 01:05:17,517
I got a question.

693
01:05:18,080 --> 01:05:22,000
Why don't white people just leave the house
when there's a ghost in the house ?

694
01:05:26,680 --> 01:05:29,760
Y'all stay in the house too fuckin' long.
Get the fuck out of the house !

695
01:05:30,160 --> 01:05:33,480
Very simple: If there's a ghost
in the house, get the fuck out !

696
01:05:35,040 --> 01:05:39,760
And not only did they stay in the house
with the poltergeist, they invite more people over !

697
01:05:40,400 --> 01:05:43,440
Sitting around going: "Our daughter Carroll-Ann's 
in the television set."

698
01:05:43,441 --> 01:05:45,727
 I would have been gone.

699
01:05:45,728 --> 01:05:46,728
If I had a daughter, went down to the precinct and say

700
01:05:46,729 --> 01:05:52,029
"Look man, I went home my fucking daughter's in the 
t.v. set and I just fucking left."

701
01:05:52,496 --> 01:05:55,240
You can have all this, I ain't going back 
to the motherfucker.

702
01:05:55,241 --> 01:05:59,362
I just came down so when she ain't at the school
you don't think I killed the bitch or anything like that.

703
01:05:59,363 --> 01:06:02,764
But she is inside the tv set you can have
all that shit. Thank you.

704
01:06:02,765 --> 01:06:04,591
"Mr. Murphy didn't you try to save your daughter?"

705
01:06:04,592 --> 01:06:06,394
Yeah, I'm a man, see I tried to save her

706
01:06:06,450 --> 01:06:10,515
I turned the channels the shit didn't work. 
I got the fuck out.

707
01:06:12,367 --> 01:06:16,027
The kid was only 6 years old in the movie,
they couldn't have been to attached to her.

708
01:06:18,070 --> 01:06:21,397
In the amityville horror the ghost
told them to get out of the house.

709
01:06:21,398 --> 01:06:25,405
White people stayed in there. Now that's a hint
and a half for your ass.

710
01:06:25,840 --> 01:06:29,360
A ghost say get the fuck out, I 
would just tip the fuck out the door!

711
01:06:29,361 --> 01:06:32,928
Lou Walker looked in the toilet bowl, the're was 
blood in the toilet.

712
01:06:32,929 --> 01:06:34,991
And said, "That's peculiar."

713
01:06:36,366 --> 01:06:39,582
I would 've been in the house saying:
"Oh baby this is beautiful."

714
01:06:39,583 --> 01:06:43,552
"We got a chandelier hanging up here, kids 
outside playing. Its a beautiful neighbourhood."

715
01:06:43,553 --> 01:06:45,907
"We ain't got nuttin to worry, 
I really love it this is really nice."

716
01:06:46,120 --> 01:06:49,800
"GET OUT !"
"Too bad we can't stay, baby !"

717
01:06:57,160 --> 01:06:59,000
You know, I wanna say something.

718
01:07:00,080 --> 01:07:06,200
I think maybe like 30 years ago there was a woman
that wanted to sing, a black lady wanted to sing opera...

719
01:07:06,880 --> 01:07:08,400
What was her name ?

720
01:07:08,680 --> 01:07:13,440
Mary Anderson? And this place was like
segregated and she couldn't sing here.

721
01:07:15,920 --> 01:07:19,920
And she couldn't sing in the place.
And here we are, like not even 50 years later,

722
01:07:20,040 --> 01:07:25,160
A 22 year old black male
on stage getting paid to hold his dick.

723
01:07:27,160 --> 01:07:32,680
God bless America ! I gotta go now.
Y'all take it easy, bye bye !