1 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:55,889 Narrator: Ah, there it is. 2 00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:59,059 My house at good old Cleveland street. 3 00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:01,436 How could I ever forget it? 4 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,314 And there I am, with that dumb, round face... 5 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:07,442 And that stupid stocking cap. 6 00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:10,404 But no matter. Christmas was on its way. 7 00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:16,910 Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas, around which the entire kid year revolved. 8 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:43,562 Downtown hohman was prepared for its yearly bacchanalia... 9 00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:46,940 Of peace on earth and goodwill to men. 10 00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:40,285 Narrato r: Higbees' corner window was traditionally a high-water Mark... 11 00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:43,455 Of the pre-Christmas season. 12 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:46,583 First-nighters, packed earmuff to earmuff... 13 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:51,963 Jostled in wonderment before a golden, tinkling display... 14 00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:57,177 Of mechanized, electronic joy. 15 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:42,597 Ah, there it is. 16 00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:44,933 The holy grail of Christmas gifts. 17 00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:50,021 The red Ryder 200-shot range model air rifle. 18 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:52,607 And there he is. 19 00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:54,776 Red Ryder himself. 20 00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:57,112 In his hand was the knurled stock... 21 00:03:57,195 --> 00:04:03,410 Of as coolly, deadly looking a piece of weaponry as ever I had laid eyes on. 22 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:10,834 For weeks, I had been scheming to get my mitts... 23 00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:14,796 On one of these fearsome blue-steel beauties. 24 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,800 My fevered brain seethed with the effort of trying to come up... 25 00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:22,262 With the infinitely subtle devices necessary... 26 00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:26,475 To implant the red Ryder range model air rifle indelibly... 27 00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:29,019 Into my parents' subconscious. 28 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,772 Woman: Ralphie! Randy! 29 00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,940 Down here in two minutes. 30 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:35,984 And I mean two minutes. 31 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:39,905 Come on, ralphie! I got here first! 32 00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,620 Cut it out. 33 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,689 My mother, grabbing for her copy of look magazine... 34 00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:20,737 Would find herself cleverly trapped into reading a red Ryder sales pitch. 35 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,742 They traded bullfrog. I don't believe it. 36 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,202 What's that? 37 00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:29,955 Well, for Christ sakes, the sox traded bullfrog... 38 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,374 The only player they've got, for shottenhoffer. 39 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,210 Four eyes shottenhoffer, utility infielder. 40 00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:38,463 Got a whole goddamned team of utility infielders. 41 00:05:38,547 --> 00:05:39,881 That's nice. 42 00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:43,051 Ralphie, on the double! 43 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,113 Mr. Parker: Did you hear about this guy who swallowed a yo-yo? 44 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,514 Mrs. Parker: Swallowed a yo-yo? 45 00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:48,890 Mr. Parker: Yeah, on a bet. 46 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:51,601 Some clodhopper down in Griffith, Indiana. 47 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:55,647 Mrs. Parker: Boy, they write the silliest things in the newspapers. 48 00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:58,441 What do you mean silly? I mean, that's real news. 49 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:01,528 That's not like that politics slop. 50 00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:06,908 What is the name of the lone ranger's nephew's horse? 51 00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:09,077 Victor. His name is Victor. 52 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,662 How the hell did you know that? 53 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:12,247 Everybody knows that. 54 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:16,585 Is that another one of your silly puzzles? 55 00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:18,920 Yeah, it's another one of my silly puzzles. 56 00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:23,508 Could be worth 50,000 bucks. 57 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,635 Mrs. Parker: What kind is it this time? 58 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:29,139 Name the great characters in American literature. 59 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,099 Mrs. Parker: Victor? Mr. Parker: Yeah. 60 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:33,393 Mrs. Parker: The lone ranger's nephew's horse? 61 00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:36,730 Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right bb gun hint. 62 00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,273 It had to be firm, but subtle. 63 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:41,568 Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near pulaski's candy store. 64 00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:51,536 They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. 65 00:06:52,537 --> 00:06:56,625 I could tell I was in imminent danger of overplaying my hand. 66 00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:59,336 Casually, I switched tactics. 67 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,962 Hey, dad. 68 00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:04,716 I'll bet you'll never guess what I got for you for Christmas. 69 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,219 A new furnace. 70 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,431 That's a good one, dad. 71 00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:18,313 My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in northern Indiana. 72 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,149 Hurry up, you're gonna be late for school. 73 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:23,610 Yeah, yeah. I'm running late already. 74 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,112 Round one was over. 75 00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:29,908 Parents, one. Kids, zip. 76 00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:33,203 I could feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. 77 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:36,164 Maybe what happened next was inevitable. 78 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,917 Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas? 79 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,252 Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out. 80 00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:46,466 I want an official red Ryder carbine action zoo-range model air rifle. Ooh. 81 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,760 No. Shoot your eye out. 82 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:52,472 Oh, no, it was the classic mother bb-gun block: 83 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,599 "You'll shoot your eye out." 84 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:57,560 That deadly phrase uttered many times before... 85 00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:00,313 B y hundreds of mothers was not surmountable... 86 00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:02,440 B y any means known to kid-dom. 87 00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:06,569 But such was my mania, my desire for a red Ryder carbine... 88 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:10,824 That I immediately began to rebuild the dike. 89 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,367 I was just kidding. 90 00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:14,536 Even though flick is getting one. 91 00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,496 I guess I'd just like some tinkertoys. 92 00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,748 I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinkertoys? 93 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,417 She'd never buy it. 94 00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:22,585 Bb guns are dangerous. 95 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,379 I don't want anybody shooting his eye out. 96 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,678 Randy, will you eat? 97 00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:33,722 There are starving people in China. 98 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,026 Mothers know nothing about creeping marauders... 99 00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:48,528 Burrowing through the snow toward the kitchen... 100 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,280 Where only you and you alone... 101 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:55,201 Stand between your tiny, huddled family and insensate evil. 102 00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:00,206 All: Save us. 103 00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:03,752 Save us, ralphie. 104 00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:09,049 I just knowed those bad guys would be coming for us in the end. 105 00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:12,635 Don't worry, dad. As long as I got oi' blue. 106 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,600 Well, now, what have we got here, folks? 107 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:21,853 Well, we figure it's black Bart, Ralph. 108 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:25,732 Well, just me and my trusty old red Ryder carbine action... 109 00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:28,234 200-shot range model air rifle. 110 00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:31,112 Lucky I got a compass in the stock. 111 00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:34,616 - Well, I think I better have a look here. - Don't worry, son. 112 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:51,508 - Oh, no, it's oi' blue. - All: Of blue. 113 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,551 Oh, no. 114 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:57,263 Cheese it, boys! The jig is up! 115 00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:10,276 Killed another one. Oh, he's a deadeye, ain't he? 116 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,366 He's getting him. 117 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,702 Okay, ralphie. 118 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:24,374 You win this time, but we'll be back. 119 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:30,088 Adio's, Bart. 120 00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:33,633 But if you do come back, you'll be pushing up daisies. 121 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,766 - And don't you forget it. - Mr. Parker: Well, son, you saved us. 122 00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,351 Mrs. Parker: We were goners for sure. 123 00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,019 Both: And you saved us. 124 00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:47,230 Ran dy: Hallelujah! 125 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,023 Mr. Parker: Go on! Beat it! 126 00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:57,282 The olds. Nothing but oldsmobile. That pile ofjunk. 127 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,076 That goddamned olds has froze up again. 128 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,704 Some men are baptists, others catholics. 129 00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,206 My father was an oldsmobile man. 130 00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:09,752 That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator. 131 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:13,256 - Little pitchers. - And hold it! 132 00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:16,217 Shh. 133 00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:29,230 Aha! Aha! It's a clinker! 134 00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,441 That blasted stupid furnace. 135 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,693 Dadgummit. 136 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:39,407 Mr. Parker: Damn skates. 137 00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,579 Oh, for Christ sake, open up the damper, will you? 138 00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:47,874 Who the hell turned it all the way down again?! 139 00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:50,168 Oh, blast it! 140 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,587 Blurred rattle crash camel flirt! 141 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:56,216 You block-head battled piece jerk off trash! 142 00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:03,932 In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity... 143 00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:05,433 That, as far as we know... 144 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:08,353 Is still hanging in space over lake Michigan. 145 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:14,359 Mr. Parker: Gollywop-dopter-crop-dop- fratenhouse-stickelfeiffer! 146 00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:21,491 Well, preparing to go to school... 147 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,661 Was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving. 148 00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:46,015 Come on, mom, we're gonna be late. 149 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,934 All right, Ralph. 150 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:51,896 My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop. 151 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,898 - Ran dy: Mm! - What? 152 00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,733 - What is it? - Mm! 153 00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:57,402 What is it? 154 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:05,493 - Mrs. Parker: What is it? - I can't put my arms down. 155 00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:19,340 Well, put your arms down when you get to school. 156 00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:26,222 Mr. Parker: Goddamn it! You... 157 00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:51,539 Hey, flick, wait up. Wait up. 158 00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:53,499 So, what are you doing? 159 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,627 What does it look like I'm doing, picking goobers? 160 00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:58,379 Hey, listen, smartass. 161 00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:02,425 I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to metal light Poles in winter. 162 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:05,928 And he says it will freeze right to the pole, just like I told you. 163 00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:09,015 Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything? 164 00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:10,850 He knows because he once saw a guy... 165 00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:13,561 Stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet. 166 00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:17,231 And the fire department had to come to get the guy's tongue off the track. 167 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,025 Because he couldn't get it off. 168 00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:21,027 Come on, guys, wait up! 169 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,862 Come on, guys! 170 00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:26,616 - Come on, guys, wait up. - Out of the way, kid. 171 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:29,077 Hey, kid. 172 00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:32,163 I can't get up. 173 00:14:33,164 --> 00:14:34,874 I can't get up! 174 00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:37,251 Ralph! Hey! 175 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:41,005 - I can't get up, ralphie! - Oh. 176 00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,757 Ralphie: Come on, flick, wait up for me. 177 00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:45,718 I can't get up! 178 00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,054 Ralph! Hey! 179 00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:51,432 - Come on, get up. Sit up. Come on. - I can't get up. 180 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:56,813 You're okay. Come on, let's go. Come on, you're all right. 181 00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:04,570 Boy: Shh. Miss shields. 182 00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,989 Miss shields, miss shields. 183 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:10,868 All right, everyone, take your seats, please. 184 00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,877 Good morning, class. 185 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:23,923 All: Good morning, miss shields. 186 00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:00,460 Miss shields: Open your books to page 32. 187 00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:03,921 And as you'll remember, Silas marner... 188 00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:16,184 You're full of beans and so is your old man. 189 00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:17,560 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah! 190 00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:19,061 - Says who? - Says me. 191 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,480 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah! 192 00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:22,190 Well, I double-dare you. 193 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:27,904 The exact exchange and nuance of phrase in this ritual is very important. 194 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,322 Heh. Are you kidding? 195 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,908 Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb. 196 00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:34,035 That's because you know it will stick. 197 00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:36,037 - You're full of it. - Oh, yeah? 198 00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,664 - Yeah. - Well, I double-dog dare you! 199 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:42,835 Now it was serious. A double-dog dare. 200 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,879 What else was left but a triple dare you? 201 00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,507 And finally, the coup de grace of all dares: 202 00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:50,343 - The sinister triple-dog dare. - You guys are really dumb. 203 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:53,763 I triple-dog dare you! 204 00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:56,682 Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette... 205 00:16:56,766 --> 00:17:00,269 B y skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat. 206 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,647 All right, all right. 207 00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:05,858 Come on, kid. 208 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,574 Well, go on, smartass, and do it. 209 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,409 I'm going, I'm going. 210 00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:19,705 Flick's spine stiffened, his lips curled in a defiant sneer. 211 00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:23,125 There was no going back now. 212 00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:27,171 This is no... 213 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,761 Stuck? Stuck? Stuck! 214 00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:37,181 Stuck! Stuck! Stuck! 215 00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,016 Stuck! 216 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,229 - Stuck! Stuck! - Geez. It really works. 217 00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:45,648 Look at him. Flick: It's stuck! 218 00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,234 Schwartz: Hey, what have I done? 219 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,076 Flick: Don't leave, come back. 220 00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:00,538 - Come back. Don't leave me. Come back. - But the bell rang. 221 00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:01,956 What are we gonna do?! 222 00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:04,417 - I don't know. The bell rang. - Schwartz: Yeah. 223 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,920 Hey, don't leave me. Come back! 224 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:10,923 Come back! Come back. 225 00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:15,803 Where's flick? 226 00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:18,639 Has anyone seen flick? 227 00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:20,433 Flick? Flick who? 228 00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:23,227 He was at recess, wasn't he? 229 00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:27,607 Ralphie, do you know where flick is? 230 00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:37,283 I said, has anyone seen flick? 231 00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,952 Yes, Esther Jane? 232 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,628 Oh, my god. 233 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,941 Holy cow, it's the fire department. 234 00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:12,943 Oh, no. 235 00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,492 Wow, it's the cops. 236 00:20:12,128 --> 00:20:17,883 Miss shields: Now, I know that some of you put flick up to this. 237 00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:21,721 But he has refused to say who. 238 00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:26,851 But those who did it know their blame. 239 00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:33,232 And I'm sure that the guilt you feel is far worse... 240 00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:36,318 Than any punishment you might receive. 241 00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:43,242 Now, don't you feel terrible? 242 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:47,079 Don't you feel remorse for what you have done? 243 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:52,334 Well, that's all I'm going to say about poor flick. 244 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:58,132 Adults love to say things like that, but kids know better. 245 00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:01,969 We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught. 246 00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:05,514 Now, boys and girls, I'm going to give you an assignment. 247 00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:10,394 I want you to write a theme. 248 00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:16,525 "What I want for Christmas." 249 00:21:17,151 --> 00:21:19,487 Aha! The clouds lifted. 250 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,947 And I want it handed in tomorrow morning... 251 00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:24,492 I saw a faint gleam of light... 252 00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:27,536 At the other end of the black cave of doom. 253 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:31,832 [Knew that when miss shields read my magnificent, eloquent theme... 254 00:21:31,916 --> 00:21:34,502 That she would sympathize with my plight... 255 00:21:34,585 --> 00:21:37,922 And everything would work out somehow. 256 00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:55,898 Boy, did you see how it stuck? 257 00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,316 Did it hurt, flick? 258 00:21:57,399 --> 00:21:59,193 No. I never felt a thing. 259 00:21:59,276 --> 00:22:00,861 It just caught me off-guard. 260 00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:02,446 You sure were bawling. 261 00:22:02,530 --> 00:22:03,948 I never bawled. 262 00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:06,075 Ah, baloney. 263 00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:20,714 Scut farkus. 264 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:23,050 Scut farkus. What a rotten name. 265 00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:24,468 We were trapped. 266 00:22:24,552 --> 00:22:26,637 There he stood, between us and the alley. 267 00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:30,724 Scut farkus, staring out at us with his yellow eyes. 268 00:22:30,808 --> 00:22:32,101 He had yellow eyes. 269 00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:34,520 So help me, god, yellow eyes. 270 00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:52,246 Grover dill, farkus' crummy little toady. 271 00:22:52,329 --> 00:22:56,750 Mean, rotten. His lips curled over his green teeth. 272 00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:58,586 Randy lay there like a slug. 273 00:22:58,669 --> 00:23:00,170 It was his only defense. 274 00:23:05,718 --> 00:23:07,469 - Say uncle. - Uncle. 275 00:23:07,553 --> 00:23:10,431 - Uncle. - Uncle! 276 00:23:10,514 --> 00:23:12,766 - Scut: Louder! - Come on, get up. Now. 277 00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:15,561 - Louder! - Uncle! 278 00:23:15,644 --> 00:23:18,397 - Louder. - Uncle! 279 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:21,191 In our world, you were either a bully, a toady... 280 00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:24,236 Or one of the nameless rabble of victims. 281 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,865 All right, who's next? 282 00:23:50,596 --> 00:23:54,642 In the jungles of kid-dom, the mind switches gears rapidly. 283 00:23:54,725 --> 00:23:56,143 Weeks ago, I had sent away... 284 00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:59,480 For my little orphan Annie secret society decoder pin. 285 00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:01,649 Oh, skunked again. 286 00:24:01,732 --> 00:24:04,360 No matter. Today, [had serious work to do. 287 00:24:05,069 --> 00:24:07,196 "What I want for Christmas. 288 00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:09,657 What I want for Christmas is a red Ryder bb gun... 289 00:24:09,740 --> 00:24:12,785 With a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time." 290 00:24:12,868 --> 00:24:14,161 Wow, that's great. 291 00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:16,914 "I think that everybody should have a red Ryder bb gun. 292 00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:19,333 They're very good for Christmas. 293 00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:23,003 I don't think that a football's a very good Christmas present." 294 00:24:23,671 --> 00:24:26,924 Oh, rarely had the words poured from my penny pencil... 295 00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:29,468 With such feverish fluidity. 296 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:37,685 I've won, I've won, I've won! Hey, go on now. 297 00:24:38,936 --> 00:24:40,145 Get out of here, you...! 298 00:24:45,776 --> 00:24:47,403 Mr. Parker: I've won, I've won. 299 00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:49,738 Aha! The bumpus hounds. 300 00:24:50,114 --> 00:24:54,952 Our hillbilly neighbors, the bumpuses, had at least 785 smelly hound dogs. 301 00:24:55,035 --> 00:24:58,330 And they ignored every other human being on earth but my old man. 302 00:24:58,414 --> 00:25:01,000 Dumb dogs. Get. 303 00:25:01,083 --> 00:25:03,127 Iwon. Iwon. 304 00:25:03,252 --> 00:25:07,381 - I won, iwon, iwon! - What? What is it? What? 305 00:25:07,464 --> 00:25:10,592 A major prize, a major prize. Iwon, iwon, iwon! 306 00:25:10,676 --> 00:25:13,929 Hey, look at that. Look at that. A western union telegram. 307 00:25:14,013 --> 00:25:15,931 Tonight tonight is gonna be the night 308 00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:17,391 tonight tonight hot damn tonight 309 00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:20,978 - what does this mean here? - It means it's coming tonight! 310 00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:23,188 I called Ernie mcclosky at the freight depot. 311 00:25:23,272 --> 00:25:27,985 He said that the telegram was late, the prize was there, he'll send it on tonight. 312 00:25:28,068 --> 00:25:30,988 Come on, have a chew, fellas, on me. It's my gift. 313 00:25:32,406 --> 00:25:37,911 You know, maybe it'll be one of those Spanish adobe houses down coral gate... 314 00:25:41,123 --> 00:25:43,667 Serves you right, you smelly buggers. 315 00:25:43,751 --> 00:25:45,836 Or it could be a bowling alley. 316 00:25:45,919 --> 00:25:48,589 You know, a guy on terre haute won a bowling alley. 317 00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:51,884 How are they gonna deliver a bowling alley here tonight? 318 00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:54,178 They could send the deed for Christ sake. 319 00:25:54,261 --> 00:25:58,891 I mean, I didn't expect they were gonna send the whole damn bowling alley. 320 00:25:58,974 --> 00:26:02,061 Yeah, well, how about eating, huh? I'm starving to death. 321 00:26:02,144 --> 00:26:05,147 Getting rich is hard work, kid. Come on. 322 00:26:12,863 --> 00:26:15,240 Every family has a kid who won't eat. 323 00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:20,370 My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years. 324 00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:25,209 Oh, Randy, don't play with your food, eat it. 325 00:26:25,334 --> 00:26:27,461 Aw, gee. 326 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:29,922 Starving people would be happy to have that. 327 00:26:30,214 --> 00:26:32,299 Can I have some more red cabbage? 328 00:26:38,889 --> 00:26:42,643 You stop playing with your food, or I'll give you something to cry about. 329 00:26:42,768 --> 00:26:45,646 You better stop fooling around with that and eat it, or you'll be sorry. 330 00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:52,319 Can I please have some more? 331 00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:57,324 My mother had not had a hot meal for herself in 15 years. 332 00:26:57,407 --> 00:27:01,662 Meat loaf, smeetloaf, double beetloaf. 333 00:27:01,787 --> 00:27:04,414 I hate meat loaf. 334 00:27:04,498 --> 00:27:07,459 All right. All right, I'll get that kid to eat. 335 00:27:07,543 --> 00:27:09,503 Where's my screwdriver and my plumber's helper? 336 00:27:09,586 --> 00:27:12,256 - I'll open up his mouth and shove it in. - Mrs. Parker: Randy. 337 00:27:12,381 --> 00:27:14,508 My mother was more subtle. 338 00:27:14,591 --> 00:27:16,593 How do the little piggies go? 339 00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:20,180 - Oink! Oink! - That's right. Oink, oink. 340 00:27:20,347 --> 00:27:23,517 Now, show me how the piggies eat. This is your trough. 341 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,979 Show me how the piggies eat. 342 00:27:27,104 --> 00:27:29,857 Be a good boy. Show mommy how the piggies eat. 343 00:27:53,505 --> 00:27:55,716 Oh, my god. 344 00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:02,014 Mommy's little piggy. 345 00:28:22,910 --> 00:28:24,870 It is here. 346 00:28:31,043 --> 00:28:32,377 - Yeah. - Are you Parker? 347 00:28:32,461 --> 00:28:34,296 - Yeah. - All right, sign here, will you? 348 00:28:34,379 --> 00:28:36,548 - Well, what is it? - I don't know. 349 00:28:36,632 --> 00:28:38,217 What's in it? 350 00:28:38,300 --> 00:28:40,093 Here. Bring it in, huh? 351 00:28:40,177 --> 00:28:42,554 Okay, boys. Haul that on in here. Move your tails. 352 00:28:42,638 --> 00:28:44,598 Yeah. Bring it right on in. Right here. 353 00:28:44,681 --> 00:28:47,851 Man 1: Bring it ahead. Straight ahead. Man 2: That's right. 354 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,938 - Man 1: Right. - Here, bring it right, right on in, fellas. 355 00:28:51,021 --> 00:28:52,522 That's it. Here we go. 356 00:28:52,606 --> 00:28:53,941 A little more. 357 00:28:54,024 --> 00:28:56,443 A little more. That's it. 358 00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:00,614 Watch the lady. 359 00:29:08,247 --> 00:29:12,084 - That's it. - Thanks a lot, guys. Merry Christmas. 360 00:29:12,167 --> 00:29:15,462 - Get the crowbar and a hammer, ralphie. - Okay. 361 00:29:16,588 --> 00:29:18,799 Mr. Parker: "Fragile." 362 00:29:18,966 --> 00:29:22,386 - It must be Italian. - I think that says fragile, honey. 363 00:29:22,469 --> 00:29:24,263 Oh, yeah. 364 00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:27,349 Here we go. 365 00:29:30,018 --> 00:29:35,274 Jeez, they really did a job on this, you know? 366 00:29:40,988 --> 00:29:43,448 No, here, Ralph, hold that. 367 00:29:44,950 --> 00:29:46,618 Here we go. 368 00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:52,582 Honey, there could be anything in there. 369 00:29:52,666 --> 00:29:54,251 Jesus. 370 00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,255 Maybe they forgot. 371 00:29:58,380 --> 00:30:01,425 No, it's in there. It's gotta be in there. 372 00:30:05,679 --> 00:30:08,598 - Oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy. - Mrs. Parker: What? 373 00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:10,559 - Mr. Parker: Would you look at that? - What? 374 00:30:10,726 --> 00:30:13,854 Would you look at that? 375 00:30:15,647 --> 00:30:17,316 What is it? 376 00:30:17,441 --> 00:30:19,568 Well, it's a leg. 377 00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:21,153 But what is it? 378 00:30:21,278 --> 00:30:24,990 Well, it's a leg. You know, like in a statue. 379 00:30:25,073 --> 00:30:27,659 - Statue? - Yeah, statue. 380 00:30:28,327 --> 00:30:30,370 Yeah, statue. 381 00:30:30,537 --> 00:30:31,830 Ralphie... 382 00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:33,999 My mother was trying to insinuate herself... 383 00:30:34,124 --> 00:30:36,043 Between us and the statue. 384 00:30:36,126 --> 00:30:38,211 Holy smoke, would you...? 385 00:30:38,295 --> 00:30:39,755 Do you know what this is? 386 00:30:40,339 --> 00:30:43,884 This is a lamp. 387 00:30:43,967 --> 00:30:46,678 - It was indeed a lamp. - Isn't that great? 388 00:30:47,346 --> 00:30:49,181 What a great lamp. 389 00:30:49,306 --> 00:30:50,640 Well, I don't know. 390 00:30:52,476 --> 00:30:55,312 Here, hold it. Hold it. Here, go on. 391 00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:57,731 The old man's eyes boggled... 392 00:30:57,814 --> 00:30:58,899 Oh, wow! 393 00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:00,400 Overcome by art. 394 00:31:00,484 --> 00:31:02,569 And I know just the place for it. 395 00:31:02,652 --> 00:31:06,406 Right in the middle of our front-room window. 396 00:31:14,915 --> 00:31:17,918 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. 397 00:31:18,543 --> 00:31:19,920 Mrs. Parker: Watch it. 398 00:31:20,003 --> 00:31:22,339 Yeah, let's see. 399 00:31:24,383 --> 00:31:26,802 Mr. Parker: Oh, Jesus, god. 400 00:31:30,305 --> 00:31:32,742 - Mrs. Parker: Oh, honey? - No. It's all right. It's all right. 401 00:31:32,766 --> 00:31:34,226 It's all right. 402 00:31:34,309 --> 00:31:36,186 Let's see... 403 00:31:36,269 --> 00:31:39,106 This goes to the radio... 404 00:31:39,189 --> 00:31:41,608 And this goes to... and this goes... 405 00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:45,195 - Well, it's just one too many. - Mrs. Parker: One is tough, yeah. 406 00:31:48,073 --> 00:31:49,366 Well, let's see. 407 00:31:49,449 --> 00:31:52,452 The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone... 408 00:31:52,536 --> 00:31:56,164 And the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory. 409 00:31:56,248 --> 00:32:01,461 Oh, look at that. Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? 410 00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:04,548 It's indescribably beautiful. 411 00:32:04,631 --> 00:32:08,093 It reminds me of the fourth of July. Turn off all the lights. 412 00:32:08,176 --> 00:32:10,387 I wanna see what it looks like from the street. 413 00:32:10,470 --> 00:32:13,932 - I'll go get the dining room. - Couldn't we talk this over? 414 00:32:16,435 --> 00:32:18,103 Honey... 415 00:32:33,869 --> 00:32:35,829 Move it a little bit to the right. 416 00:32:35,996 --> 00:32:37,581 Yeah. A little that way. 417 00:32:37,664 --> 00:32:42,294 Just a little more to the right. 418 00:32:42,377 --> 00:32:46,673 Yeah. More. That's it. No, stop. Right there. That's wonderful. 419 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:48,592 Hey, Parker, what is that? 420 00:32:48,675 --> 00:32:50,677 Don't bother me now, Swede. I'm busy. 421 00:32:50,844 --> 00:32:53,763 Swede: Yeah, but what is that? Mr. Parker: It's a major award. 422 00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:56,808 A major award? 423 00:32:56,892 --> 00:32:59,686 Shucks, I wouldn't have knowed that. It looks like a lamp. 424 00:32:59,811 --> 00:33:01,651 Mr. Parker: Well, it is a lamp, you nincompoop. 425 00:33:01,730 --> 00:33:04,649 But it's a major award. I won it. 426 00:33:04,733 --> 00:33:07,360 - Damn, hell, you say you won it? - Yeah. 427 00:33:07,444 --> 00:33:10,238 Yeah, mind power, Swede, mind power. 428 00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:12,949 The entire neighborhood was turned on. 429 00:33:13,074 --> 00:33:16,036 Oh, you should see what it looks like from out here. 430 00:33:16,203 --> 00:33:18,872 It could be seen up and down Cleveland street. 431 00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:21,208 The symbol of the old man's victory. 432 00:33:21,333 --> 00:33:23,335 Yeah, he won that. It's a major award. 433 00:33:23,460 --> 00:33:27,714 Isn't it about time for somebody's favorite radio program? 434 00:33:29,216 --> 00:33:31,051 Holy smokes, it was 6:45. 435 00:33:31,134 --> 00:33:33,220 Only one thing could've dragged me away... 436 00:33:33,303 --> 00:33:37,849 From the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window. 437 00:33:39,142 --> 00:33:41,895 Man: Who's the little chatter box 438 00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:45,524 the one with pretty auburn locks? 439 00:33:45,607 --> 00:33:49,736 Whom do you see? It's little orphan Annie 440 00:33:49,819 --> 00:33:51,947 narrator: Kids, it's little orphan Annie time. 441 00:33:52,113 --> 00:33:55,367 Brought to you by rich, chocolatey ova/tine. 442 00:33:55,450 --> 00:33:57,786 I could still taste it. 443 00:33:58,537 --> 00:34:00,330 Hey, you turned the light off. 444 00:34:00,413 --> 00:34:03,750 Man: It's little orphan Annie 445 00:34:10,215 --> 00:34:12,008 Ran dy: Come on, you guys, wait up. 446 00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:20,767 I knew I was handing miss shields a masterpiece. 447 00:34:20,850 --> 00:34:22,602 Maybe miss shields in her ecstasy... 448 00:34:22,686 --> 00:34:27,065 Would excuse me from theme writing for the rest of my natural life. 449 00:34:34,739 --> 00:34:39,953 You call this a paragraph? Margins, margins, margins. 450 00:34:41,871 --> 00:34:44,916 My life's work down the drain. 451 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:48,461 A semicolon, you dolt. A period. 452 00:34:48,545 --> 00:34:50,130 Oh, f. 453 00:34:50,213 --> 00:34:55,594 I should weep if I have to read one more f. 454 00:34:55,844 --> 00:34:58,096 Ralphie Parker. Ha! 455 00:35:12,694 --> 00:35:15,989 The theme I've been waiting for all my life. 456 00:35:16,072 --> 00:35:17,991 Listen to this sentence. 457 00:35:18,074 --> 00:35:23,538 "A red Ryder bb gun with a compass in the stock... 458 00:35:23,622 --> 00:35:27,709 And this thing which tells time." 459 00:35:28,335 --> 00:35:31,504 Poetry. Sheer poetry. 460 00:35:31,588 --> 00:35:35,175 Ralph, an a plus. 461 00:35:35,258 --> 00:35:40,430 My Ralph. Oh, ralphie, you've made me well. 462 00:35:41,723 --> 00:35:44,309 A plus. 463 00:36:11,002 --> 00:36:12,587 Ralph. 464 00:36:15,006 --> 00:36:16,591 Ralphie. 465 00:36:18,051 --> 00:36:19,719 Ralph. 466 00:36:21,930 --> 00:36:24,140 Is there something you want, Ralph? 467 00:36:24,224 --> 00:36:26,518 I'm just turning in my theme. 468 00:36:28,770 --> 00:36:30,647 Oh, well, you can take your seat now. 469 00:36:33,525 --> 00:36:35,402 Take your seat. 470 00:36:38,697 --> 00:36:41,157 You're a genius. 471 00:36:49,791 --> 00:36:52,043 Come on, you guys. Wait up. 472 00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:55,046 Mr. Parker: Okay. Come on. Come on. 473 00:36:58,883 --> 00:37:00,385 Come on. 474 00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:03,596 - Get in the car. Get in the car. - Yeah. 475 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:07,642 If we don't hurry, we're gonna miss all the good trees! 476 00:37:07,726 --> 00:37:09,060 Go on, go on. 477 00:37:09,144 --> 00:37:12,272 My mother was about to make another brilliant maneuver... 478 00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:15,275 In the legendary battle of the lamp. 479 00:37:15,358 --> 00:37:17,652 The epic struggle which follows... 480 00:37:17,736 --> 00:37:21,614 Lives in the folklore of Cleveland street to this very day. 481 00:37:21,698 --> 00:37:23,742 Don't wanna waste electricity. 482 00:37:24,743 --> 00:37:26,679 - Mrs. Parker: Don't... - Don't wanna waste electricity. 483 00:37:26,703 --> 00:37:28,913 Mrs. Parker: Come on, ralphie. Get in the car. 484 00:37:34,836 --> 00:37:37,255 You folks looking for a tree? We got 300 trees here. 485 00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:40,467 This is the Christmas tree emporium of the entire midwest. 486 00:37:40,550 --> 00:37:44,262 Now, you ain't gonna find no better tree than this here tree. 487 00:37:44,345 --> 00:37:46,347 This here tree is built to last. 488 00:37:46,431 --> 00:37:48,975 Ain't no needles coming off this here tree. 489 00:37:51,644 --> 00:37:55,607 Okay. Now, here's a tree. This here is a tree. 490 00:37:55,690 --> 00:38:00,153 - That's a little skimpy in the front there. - Well, you just put it in the corner. 491 00:38:00,236 --> 00:38:04,365 - Haven't you got a big tree? - Yeah. Hell, this ain't no tree. 492 00:38:04,449 --> 00:38:07,744 Now, here's a tree. This here is a tree. 493 00:38:08,161 --> 00:38:11,831 - Well, did I choose that one, huh? - Well, don't you think it's a little large? 494 00:38:11,915 --> 00:38:15,168 No. What the hell. Listen, Christmas only comes once a year. Why not? 495 00:38:15,251 --> 00:38:16,795 - Why not? - Yeah, well, how much? 496 00:38:16,961 --> 00:38:19,672 I'll knock off $2 because you're a man who knows his trees. 497 00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:23,510 This isn't one of those trees that all the needles falls off, is it? 498 00:38:23,676 --> 00:38:25,178 No, that's them balsams. 499 00:38:25,261 --> 00:38:27,972 The old man loved bargaining as much as an arab trader... 500 00:38:28,056 --> 00:38:29,766 And he was twice as shrewd. 501 00:38:29,849 --> 00:38:34,270 You know, dew lockjust bought one of those brand-new, green plastic trees. 502 00:38:34,771 --> 00:38:36,189 Oh, no. 503 00:38:36,272 --> 00:38:40,485 Darn thing looks like it was made out of green pipe cleaners. 504 00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:44,197 This is a very nice tree. 505 00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:47,784 - I'll throw in a rope and tie it to your car. - You got a deal. 506 00:39:09,013 --> 00:39:10,390 Dadgummit, blow out. 507 00:39:18,356 --> 00:39:20,942 - Aha! - Not again. 508 00:39:21,568 --> 00:39:24,737 Four minutes. Time me. 509 00:39:25,655 --> 00:39:29,075 Actually, my old man loved it. He always saw himself in the pits... 510 00:39:29,158 --> 00:39:31,953 At the Indianapolis speedway in the 500. 511 00:39:37,041 --> 00:39:41,296 My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. 512 00:39:41,379 --> 00:39:44,007 They were round, they had once been made of rubber. 513 00:39:44,090 --> 00:39:45,884 Here we go. 514 00:39:48,511 --> 00:39:51,848 Ralphie. Why don't you go help your father? 515 00:39:51,931 --> 00:39:54,058 - Really? Can I? - Yes. 516 00:39:54,142 --> 00:39:56,728 - Watch the traffic there. - Okay. 517 00:39:57,186 --> 00:39:59,564 It was the first time that it had been suggested... 518 00:39:59,647 --> 00:40:03,067 That I go help my father with anything. 519 00:40:06,070 --> 00:40:09,073 - What are you doing here? - Mom said I should help. 520 00:40:09,157 --> 00:40:10,450 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 521 00:40:10,533 --> 00:40:12,368 Okay, sit down here. Squat down. 522 00:40:12,827 --> 00:40:15,204 Yeah, that's it. Now we've got it. 523 00:40:15,288 --> 00:40:17,916 - Here you are. Hold this. Here. - Okay. 524 00:40:20,835 --> 00:40:23,963 No, not that way. Go on. Come on, rat-trap, hold it like this. See? 525 00:40:24,047 --> 00:40:26,424 - How? - Like this. I want to put the nuts in it. 526 00:40:26,507 --> 00:40:29,052 - Okay. - See, there we are. There's four of them. 527 00:40:29,344 --> 00:40:31,429 And we got it! Ha-ha-ha! 528 00:40:32,931 --> 00:40:35,433 There it is. Oh, that son of a gun. 529 00:40:35,516 --> 00:40:37,977 I'm gonna get that dirty... 530 00:40:38,353 --> 00:40:39,979 There we go. And... 531 00:40:40,063 --> 00:40:42,148 For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts... 532 00:40:42,231 --> 00:40:46,069 Silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone. 533 00:40:46,611 --> 00:40:52,575 Oh, fudge. 534 00:40:52,659 --> 00:40:56,663 Only I didn't say "fudge." I said the word. 535 00:40:56,746 --> 00:41:00,291 The big one. The queen mother of dirty words. 536 00:41:02,835 --> 00:41:04,295 What did you say? 537 00:41:04,796 --> 00:41:06,965 Uh, um... 538 00:41:07,757 --> 00:41:11,052 That's what I thought you said. 539 00:41:12,804 --> 00:41:14,555 Get in the car. 540 00:41:17,642 --> 00:41:19,519 - Go on. - It was all over. 541 00:41:19,602 --> 00:41:23,856 I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? 542 00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:27,402 The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? 543 00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:31,239 Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me. 544 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:36,494 Everything go all right? 545 00:41:43,918 --> 00:41:45,253 Ah! 546 00:41:51,092 --> 00:41:53,344 Eight minutes. 547 00:41:55,179 --> 00:41:59,058 - You know what your son just said? - No. What? 548 00:41:59,142 --> 00:42:01,728 I'll tell you what he said. Randy! 549 00:42:05,189 --> 00:42:07,066 Ralphie! 550 00:42:08,109 --> 00:42:10,903 Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. 551 00:42:10,987 --> 00:42:12,864 My personal preference is for Lux... 552 00:42:12,989 --> 00:42:17,452 But I found palmolive had a nice, piquant, after-dinner flavor. 553 00:42:17,535 --> 00:42:21,497 Heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. 554 00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:26,294 Lifebuoy, on the other hand... 555 00:42:26,377 --> 00:42:27,837 Ugh! 556 00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:30,048 You ready to tell me? 557 00:42:35,511 --> 00:42:38,431 All right. Where did you hear that word? 558 00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:42,185 Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. 559 00:42:42,268 --> 00:42:47,106 My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or Clay. 560 00:42:47,190 --> 00:42:50,068 It was his true medium. A master. 561 00:42:50,193 --> 00:42:51,486 But I chickened out. 562 00:42:51,569 --> 00:42:54,155 And I blurted out the first name that came to mind. 563 00:42:56,532 --> 00:42:59,494 Oh. I see. 564 00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:13,925 Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. 565 00:43:14,008 --> 00:43:18,054 Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said? 566 00:43:23,518 --> 00:43:25,645 Mrs. Schwartz: No, not that! 567 00:43:25,728 --> 00:43:28,397 Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it? 568 00:43:28,481 --> 00:43:30,233 Mrs. Schwartz: Probably from his father. 569 00:43:30,316 --> 00:43:32,485 No. He heard it from your son. 570 00:43:32,568 --> 00:43:34,153 Mrs. Schwartz: What?! What?! 571 00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:36,781 What?! 572 00:43:41,786 --> 00:43:45,414 Schwartz: What did I do, mom? Why, I didn't do nothing. 573 00:43:50,962 --> 00:43:55,133 Narrato r: Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice. 574 00:43:55,216 --> 00:43:57,343 Rinse out and go to bed. 575 00:43:57,426 --> 00:44:00,054 Am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon. 576 00:44:00,138 --> 00:44:03,015 I want you getting right into bed. I don't wanna see any lights on. 577 00:44:03,099 --> 00:44:06,018 You are being punished, so no comic book reading. 578 00:44:06,102 --> 00:44:08,187 I'm gonna come in. If there are lights on... 579 00:44:08,271 --> 00:44:11,232 Don't you give me that look. You're gonna get it. 580 00:44:32,837 --> 00:44:36,757 Three blocks away, Schwartz was getting his. 581 00:44:37,300 --> 00:44:39,844 There has never been a kid who didn't believe... 582 00:44:39,927 --> 00:44:42,013 Vaguely but insistently... 583 00:44:42,096 --> 00:44:45,266 That he would be stricken blind before he reached 21. 584 00:44:45,349 --> 00:44:47,226 And then, they'd be sorry. 585 00:44:58,362 --> 00:45:00,323 Why, it's Ralph. 586 00:45:00,406 --> 00:45:04,076 Well, come on in, Ralph. Where you been? 587 00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:10,458 Why, he's carrying a cane. 588 00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,501 Yeah. What is it, Ralph? What happened? 589 00:45:12,585 --> 00:45:17,006 - Why, he's blind! - Blind?! Oh, my god. 590 00:45:17,089 --> 00:45:19,133 Ralph. 591 00:45:19,217 --> 00:45:24,764 - Ralph, is it something we did? - What brought you to this lowly state? 592 00:45:24,847 --> 00:45:27,266 Ralph, please tell us, no matter how it hurts. 593 00:45:27,433 --> 00:45:30,186 - What did we do? - No, I can't. 594 00:45:30,269 --> 00:45:32,855 Oh, please, Ralph. I must know what we did. 595 00:45:32,939 --> 00:45:35,107 - What brought you to this? - Please. 596 00:45:35,191 --> 00:45:36,943 Please. 597 00:45:37,276 --> 00:45:39,153 Please? 598 00:45:39,445 --> 00:45:42,865 - It was... - Yes? 599 00:45:43,491 --> 00:45:47,745 - Yes? - Soap poisoning. 600 00:45:52,541 --> 00:45:55,962 That's terrible. How could we do it? 601 00:45:56,128 --> 00:46:00,258 Well, I'll manage to get along somehow. 602 00:46:00,383 --> 00:46:02,051 I'll never forgive myself. 603 00:46:02,176 --> 00:46:05,638 - Thanks, mom. - Mr. Parker: I told you not to use lifebuoy. 604 00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:09,058 Oh, I feel awful. 605 00:46:13,062 --> 00:46:15,940 Mr. Parker: Oh, god. 606 00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:34,834 Thank you, Heather. 607 00:46:34,917 --> 00:46:37,128 - Heather: Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. 608 00:46:37,211 --> 00:46:39,297 - Thank you, flick. - Thank you. 609 00:46:41,632 --> 00:46:43,634 - Thank you. - Merry Christmas, miss shields. 610 00:46:43,718 --> 00:46:45,553 Merry Christmas. 611 00:47:04,447 --> 00:47:08,200 Well, I just thought that you'd be getting tired of the same old stuff. 612 00:47:08,284 --> 00:47:12,038 Yes, truly, a little bribe never hurts. 613 00:47:12,121 --> 00:47:15,333 Well, thank you very much, Ralph. 614 00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:21,589 Merry Christmas. 615 00:47:24,216 --> 00:47:25,676 Happy new year. 616 00:47:28,304 --> 00:47:30,264 You can take your seat now, Ralph. 617 00:47:53,788 --> 00:47:58,334 The weeks of drinking gallons of ova/tine in order to get the ova/tine inner seal... 618 00:47:58,417 --> 00:48:02,254 To send off for my little orphan Annie secret decoder pin... 619 00:48:02,338 --> 00:48:04,799 Was about to pay off. 620 00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:06,217 I got it. 621 00:48:06,300 --> 00:48:09,887 "Master Ralph Parker." My decoder pin. 622 00:48:13,766 --> 00:48:15,851 All right. 623 00:48:20,439 --> 00:48:22,817 "Be it known to all and sundry that Ralph Parker... 624 00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:26,445 Is hereby appointed a member of the little orphan Annie secret circle... 625 00:48:26,529 --> 00:48:29,824 And is entitled to all the honors and benefits occurring thereto." 626 00:48:29,907 --> 00:48:32,034 Signed, little orphan Annie. 627 00:48:32,118 --> 00:48:34,703 Countersigned, Pierre Andre. 628 00:48:34,787 --> 00:48:36,122 In ink. 629 00:48:36,205 --> 00:48:39,250 Honors and benefits. Already at the age of 9. 630 00:48:41,961 --> 00:48:44,130 Man 1: But first, let's throw her overboard! 631 00:48:44,213 --> 00:48:45,816 Man 2: Hold fast, then overboard! 632 00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:47,425 Narrator: Come on, let's get on with it. 633 00:48:47,508 --> 00:48:50,261 I don't need all that jazz about smugglers and pirates. 634 00:48:51,095 --> 00:48:53,698 Pierre: Listen tomorrow night for the concluding adventure... 635 00:48:53,722 --> 00:48:55,683 Of the black pirate ship. 636 00:48:55,766 --> 00:48:58,519 Now it's time for Annie's secret message... 637 00:48:58,602 --> 00:49:01,647 For you members of the secret circle. 638 00:49:01,730 --> 00:49:03,023 Remember, kids... 639 00:49:03,107 --> 00:49:07,945 Only members of Annie '3 secret circle can decode Annie's secret message. 640 00:49:08,028 --> 00:49:12,032 Remember, Annie is depending on you. 641 00:49:12,116 --> 00:49:14,702 Set your pins to 8-2. 642 00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:16,287 Here is the message: 643 00:49:17,121 --> 00:49:19,498 Twelve. Eleven. Two. 644 00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:22,001 Narrato r: I am in my first secret meeting. 645 00:49:22,084 --> 00:49:25,337 Pierre: Fourteen. Eleven. Eighteen. Sixteen. 646 00:49:25,421 --> 00:49:27,381 Narrato r: Pierre was in great voice tonight. 647 00:49:27,548 --> 00:49:30,759 I could tell that tonight's message was really important. 648 00:49:30,843 --> 00:49:32,845 Pierre: Three. Twenty-five. 649 00:49:32,928 --> 00:49:36,390 That's a message from Annie herself. Remember, don't tell anyone. 650 00:49:40,811 --> 00:49:43,606 Narrator: Ninety seconds later, I'm in the only room in the house... 651 00:49:43,689 --> 00:49:47,485 Where a boy of 9 could sit in privacy and decode. 652 00:49:51,697 --> 00:49:54,116 I went to the next. E. 653 00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:55,993 The first word is "be." 654 00:49:56,368 --> 00:49:58,871 S. It was coming easier now. 655 00:50:00,789 --> 00:50:04,168 Randy: Aw, come on, ralphie. I gotta go. Mrs. Parker: Ralph? 656 00:50:04,502 --> 00:50:07,880 I'll be right down, ma. Gee, whiz. 657 00:50:13,427 --> 00:50:15,846 "Be sure to." Be sure to what? 658 00:50:15,930 --> 00:50:18,724 What was little orphan Annie trying to say? Be sure to what? 659 00:50:18,807 --> 00:50:21,560 Mrs. Parker: Ralphie! Randy has got to go. Will you please come out? 660 00:50:21,685 --> 00:50:25,064 All right, ma. I'll be right out. 661 00:50:25,231 --> 00:50:26,732 I was getting closer now. 662 00:50:26,899 --> 00:50:29,818 The tension was terrible. What was it? 663 00:50:29,944 --> 00:50:32,321 The fate of the planet may hang in the balance. 664 00:50:32,404 --> 00:50:35,241 Mrs. Parker: Ralphie, Randy's gotta go! 665 00:50:35,407 --> 00:50:38,244 I'll be right out, for crying out loud! 666 00:50:38,327 --> 00:50:39,954 Gee, almost there. 667 00:50:40,037 --> 00:50:43,165 My fingers flew. My mind was a steel trap. 668 00:50:43,290 --> 00:50:46,794 Every pore vibrated. It was almost clear. 669 00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:49,004 Yes, yes, yes! 670 00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:54,385 Ralphie: "Be sure to drink your ovaltine." 671 00:50:59,848 --> 00:51:02,601 A crummy commercial? 672 00:51:04,270 --> 00:51:06,814 Son of a bitch. 673 00:51:07,982 --> 00:51:10,442 I went out to face the world again. 674 00:51:10,526 --> 00:51:12,486 Wiser. 675 00:51:25,124 --> 00:51:27,793 - Red cabbage? - That's for tomorrow night. 676 00:51:27,876 --> 00:51:29,628 You love red cabbage, ralphie. 677 00:51:31,422 --> 00:51:34,758 Mr. Parker: You filthy system...! 678 00:51:36,093 --> 00:51:38,762 Smelly watt-buster... 679 00:51:46,729 --> 00:51:51,442 What happened next was a family controversy for years. 680 00:52:07,958 --> 00:52:09,293 What was that? What happened? 681 00:52:13,297 --> 00:52:14,882 What happened? 682 00:52:15,591 --> 00:52:17,092 What broke? 683 00:52:17,176 --> 00:52:19,219 I don't know what happened. 684 00:52:19,303 --> 00:52:24,391 I was watering my plant and I broke your lamp. 685 00:52:39,657 --> 00:52:42,034 Don't you touch that. 686 00:52:42,326 --> 00:52:44,078 You were always jealous of this lamp. 687 00:52:45,162 --> 00:52:47,956 - Jealous of a plastic leg? - Jealous! 688 00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:50,459 Jealous because I won. 689 00:52:52,044 --> 00:52:56,173 That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of what? 690 00:52:56,256 --> 00:53:00,010 That is the ugliest lamp I have ever seen... 691 00:53:00,135 --> 00:53:01,637 In my entire life! 692 00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:03,764 Now it was out. 693 00:53:03,847 --> 00:53:05,724 Get the glue. 694 00:53:05,808 --> 00:53:08,686 - We're out of glue. - Get...! 695 00:53:10,229 --> 00:53:16,110 You used up all the glue on purpose! 696 00:53:16,652 --> 00:53:18,696 The old man stood quivering with fury... 697 00:53:18,779 --> 00:53:21,824 Stammering, as he tried to come up with a real crusher. 698 00:53:21,907 --> 00:53:23,242 All he got out was: 699 00:53:23,325 --> 00:53:25,244 Not a finger! 700 00:54:05,159 --> 00:54:07,494 With as much dignity as he could muster... 701 00:54:07,578 --> 00:54:10,038 The old man gathered up the sad remains... 702 00:54:10,122 --> 00:54:13,083 Of his shattered major award. 703 00:54:13,584 --> 00:54:19,214 Later that night, alone in the backyard, be buried it next to the garage. 704 00:54:19,298 --> 00:54:21,300 Now, I could never be sure... 705 00:54:21,383 --> 00:54:25,262 But I thought that I heard the sound of "taps" being played. 706 00:54:25,345 --> 00:54:26,722 Gently. 707 00:54:27,139 --> 00:54:28,979 Know what I'm getting my old man for Christmas? 708 00:54:29,057 --> 00:54:30,601 - No. What? - A Rose that squirts. 709 00:54:30,684 --> 00:54:32,811 People come to smell it, it squirts them. 710 00:54:32,895 --> 00:54:34,563 I'm getting my old man a flit gun. 711 00:54:34,646 --> 00:54:36,982 - A flit gun? - Yeah. 712 00:54:39,693 --> 00:54:41,028 Grover: Stop right there. 713 00:54:41,111 --> 00:54:45,449 - If dill said hi to you, you felt great. - Who, me? 714 00:54:45,532 --> 00:54:47,409 - Warm inside. - Yeah, you. Get over here. 715 00:54:47,493 --> 00:54:50,496 - But mostly, he just hit you in the mouth. - I can't now, grover. 716 00:54:50,579 --> 00:54:52,331 - I've gotta see miss shields. - Yeah. 717 00:54:52,414 --> 00:54:54,934 - Hey, come here! Get over here. - Come back here. Come on, you! 718 00:54:56,084 --> 00:54:57,604 Scut: Yeah, come on! Grover: Hey, come here! 719 00:54:57,628 --> 00:55:01,298 - You. Come here. - Who, me? 720 00:55:01,423 --> 00:55:04,593 No, your aunt tilly. Yeah, you. Get over here. 721 00:55:04,718 --> 00:55:07,971 I left flick to certain annihilation. 722 00:55:08,388 --> 00:55:11,058 But bb-gun mania knows no loyalties. 723 00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:13,185 Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle. 724 00:55:13,268 --> 00:55:15,604 Uncle! Uncle! 725 00:55:18,357 --> 00:55:19,691 Miss shields: All right, class... 726 00:55:19,775 --> 00:55:23,153 I have your Christmas themes for you. 727 00:55:23,445 --> 00:55:25,322 I'm pleased. 728 00:55:25,405 --> 00:55:28,742 In general, you did very well. 729 00:55:30,661 --> 00:55:35,833 However, I was disappointed in the margins. 730 00:55:36,500 --> 00:55:38,836 Huh-huh-huh, this is it. 731 00:55:39,962 --> 00:55:42,422 C plus? Oh, no, it can't be. 732 00:55:42,506 --> 00:55:44,049 C plus? 733 00:55:44,216 --> 00:55:46,218 C plus? 734 00:55:46,760 --> 00:55:48,095 C plus! 735 00:55:53,892 --> 00:55:55,811 Oh, no! 736 00:55:56,436 --> 00:55:58,647 "You'll shoot your eye out"? 737 00:55:59,231 --> 00:56:00,524 Oh, no. 738 00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:02,651 My mother must have gotten to miss shields. 739 00:56:02,734 --> 00:56:04,486 There could be no other explanation. 740 00:56:04,611 --> 00:56:09,032 You'll shoot your eye out you'll shoot your eye out 741 00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:14,746 was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice... 742 00:56:14,830 --> 00:56:17,332 Against red Ryder and his peacemaker? 743 00:56:17,416 --> 00:56:20,085 Miss shields: These multiplication questions were most missed... 744 00:56:20,168 --> 00:56:21,503 In our last math test. 745 00:56:21,587 --> 00:56:23,463 Would you answer in unison, please? 746 00:56:23,547 --> 00:56:25,340 I was surrounded by happier kids... 747 00:56:25,424 --> 00:56:28,427 Who were all going to get what they wanted for Christmas. 748 00:56:28,510 --> 00:56:30,304 Children: Fifty-six. 749 00:57:00,584 --> 00:57:02,085 Grover: Hey, four-eyes. 750 00:57:02,210 --> 00:57:04,421 How'd you like your snowball sandwich? 751 00:57:05,255 --> 00:57:08,091 Maybe you'd like another one. 752 00:57:12,763 --> 00:57:13,889 Listen, jerk. 753 00:57:14,139 --> 00:57:17,893 When I tell you to come, you better come. 754 00:57:18,435 --> 00:57:20,979 What, are you gonna cry now? 755 00:57:21,104 --> 00:57:24,066 Come on, crybaby, cry for me. 756 00:57:24,191 --> 00:57:26,443 Come on. Cry. 757 00:57:26,985 --> 00:57:28,779 Deep in the recesses of my brain... 758 00:57:28,904 --> 00:57:32,616 A tiny, red-hot little flame began to grow. 759 00:57:45,003 --> 00:57:47,214 - Hey! - Something had happened. 760 00:57:47,297 --> 00:57:51,468 A fuse blew and I had gone out of my skull. 761 00:57:53,261 --> 00:57:55,639 Hey. Hey! 762 00:57:55,764 --> 00:57:57,307 Hey, kid! 763 00:58:00,394 --> 00:58:02,646 I'm telling my dad. 764 00:58:04,231 --> 00:58:07,734 Hey, ralphie! All right, ralphie. 765 00:58:12,990 --> 00:58:16,034 Beat him up! Beat him up! 766 00:58:16,702 --> 00:58:19,830 Boy 1: Come on, hit him! Boy 2: Hit him! 767 00:58:20,956 --> 00:58:22,708 Boy 3: Hang him! Boy 4: Hit him! Kill him! 768 00:58:23,667 --> 00:58:28,714 You no-good damn knuckle! Fanged dongs stinking bitch! 769 00:58:28,797 --> 00:58:30,717 - Come on. - Ralphie: Enough with you, dork head. 770 00:58:30,757 --> 00:58:32,050 Did you hear what he said? 771 00:58:34,011 --> 00:58:36,430 Holy smokes! 772 00:58:37,180 --> 00:58:40,392 I have since heard of people under extreme duress... 773 00:58:40,475 --> 00:58:42,853 Speaking in strange tongues. 774 00:58:43,103 --> 00:58:46,440 Ibecame conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities... 775 00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:51,445 And swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as / screamed. 776 00:58:53,488 --> 00:58:56,575 Ralph, shh, your mother. 777 00:58:59,911 --> 00:59:02,247 Ralphie! Ralphie! Ralphie! 778 00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:04,207 Ralphie! 779 00:59:06,043 --> 00:59:08,253 Ralphie! 780 00:59:08,336 --> 00:59:09,629 Ralphie! 781 00:59:09,713 --> 00:59:11,548 Ralphie! 782 00:59:11,840 --> 00:59:13,508 Ralphie? 783 00:59:17,137 --> 00:59:21,099 Come on. We're going home. Come on. 784 00:59:35,197 --> 00:59:38,075 Let's go, man. Come on. Let's go. 785 00:59:39,409 --> 00:59:42,621 Calm down. Come on in here, Ralph. 786 00:59:42,704 --> 00:59:44,247 Get in there. 787 00:59:45,957 --> 00:59:49,002 Okay. Put your head down in there. 788 00:59:49,086 --> 00:59:51,171 Come on. Get down in here. 789 00:59:52,172 --> 00:59:54,049 Settle down. 790 00:59:54,132 --> 00:59:57,135 Honey, I want you to go in there... 791 00:59:57,219 --> 01:00:00,597 And lie down in your room for a while. 792 01:00:00,889 --> 01:00:03,600 Ralphie, just settle down. 793 01:00:05,268 --> 01:00:07,979 Come on. Here, dry off. 794 01:00:08,063 --> 01:00:10,232 Calm down. 795 01:00:10,816 --> 01:00:13,276 All right. Now go lie down. 796 01:00:33,046 --> 01:00:35,590 The light was getting purple and soft outside. 797 01:00:35,674 --> 01:00:39,594 Almost time for my father to come home from work. 798 01:00:53,775 --> 01:00:55,527 Randy. 799 01:00:58,655 --> 01:01:01,491 What's the matter? What are you crying for? 800 01:01:01,575 --> 01:01:04,452 Daddy's gonna kill ralphie. 801 01:01:04,536 --> 01:01:06,037 No, he's not. 802 01:01:06,121 --> 01:01:09,166 - Yes, he is too. - No, he's not. 803 01:01:09,249 --> 01:01:14,212 I promise you, daddy is not going to kill ralphie. 804 01:01:14,296 --> 01:01:16,631 Why don't you come on out of there? 805 01:01:17,007 --> 01:01:18,508 Huh? 806 01:01:19,426 --> 01:01:21,386 Would you like some milk? 807 01:01:22,596 --> 01:01:24,181 You would? 808 01:01:30,854 --> 01:01:32,355 Here you go. 809 01:01:33,481 --> 01:01:34,900 All right? 810 01:01:34,983 --> 01:01:36,401 I'll see you later? 811 01:01:36,484 --> 01:01:38,778 Okay. Bye-bye. 812 01:01:50,207 --> 01:01:54,002 I heard the car roar up the driveway, and a wave of terror broke over me. 813 01:01:54,085 --> 01:01:57,255 He 7! Know what I said, the awful things that I've said. 814 01:01:57,422 --> 01:01:59,758 Get out of here. Go on. Get out of here! 815 01:01:59,841 --> 01:02:03,303 Go on home, you mangy mutts. Get out of here, you rotten, filthy...! 816 01:02:03,386 --> 01:02:07,349 Hey, bumpus. Get over here and get your stinking dogs! 817 01:02:07,807 --> 01:02:10,894 Hey, come on, what's for dinner? I'm starving to death. 818 01:02:30,747 --> 01:02:33,708 Well, what happened today? 819 01:02:34,042 --> 01:02:35,877 Where's your glasses? 820 01:02:36,878 --> 01:02:38,421 Did you lose your glasses again? 821 01:02:38,505 --> 01:02:43,218 Uh, ralphie, remember you left these on the radio again. 822 01:02:43,301 --> 01:02:47,055 Now, try not to do that anymore. 823 01:02:47,305 --> 01:02:49,224 So, what else happened today? 824 01:02:49,349 --> 01:02:51,977 Mrs. Parker: Oh, nothing much. 825 01:02:52,060 --> 01:02:53,979 Ralphie had a fight. 826 01:02:54,062 --> 01:02:57,107 Mr. Parker: A fight? What kind of a fight? 827 01:02:57,899 --> 01:03:01,152 Oh, you know how boys are. 828 01:03:01,236 --> 01:03:05,115 I gave him a talking-to. 829 01:03:05,865 --> 01:03:09,786 I see that the bears are playing green bay on Sunday. 830 01:03:10,996 --> 01:03:14,249 Oh, yeah, yeah. Zudock's got tickets. I wish I had. 831 01:03:14,332 --> 01:03:16,543 Oh, well, he'll freeze his keister off out there. 832 01:03:19,379 --> 01:03:23,133 I slowly began to realize I was not about to be destroyed. 833 01:03:23,216 --> 01:03:25,343 Mr. Parker: The Chicago bears. 834 01:03:25,510 --> 01:03:27,804 The terror of the midway. What a laugh... 835 01:03:27,887 --> 01:03:32,183 From then on, things were different between me and my mother. 836 01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:36,604 Mr. Parker: Well, more like the Chicago chipmunks, maybe. 837 01:03:36,688 --> 01:03:38,606 But bears, never. 838 01:03:39,816 --> 01:03:41,109 Strange. 839 01:03:41,192 --> 01:03:45,030 Even something as monumental as the scut farkus affair... 840 01:03:45,113 --> 01:03:47,949 As it came to be known, was pushed out of my mind... 841 01:03:48,033 --> 01:03:52,203 As I struggled for a way out of the impenetrable bb-gun web... 842 01:03:52,287 --> 01:03:54,539 In which my mother had me trapped. 843 01:03:54,622 --> 01:03:56,458 Santa! 844 01:03:56,541 --> 01:03:58,877 Yeah, I'll ask Santa. 845 01:03:58,960 --> 01:04:00,879 Of course. Santa. 846 01:04:00,962 --> 01:04:03,173 The big man. The head honcho. 847 01:04:03,256 --> 01:04:04,716 The connection. 848 01:04:04,799 --> 01:04:07,719 My mother had slipped up this time. 849 01:04:29,324 --> 01:04:32,285 - Mickey! Mickey! - Yeah! 850 01:04:48,134 --> 01:04:50,929 Mom, the store's gonna close soon and Santa's gonna be gone. 851 01:04:51,012 --> 01:04:55,058 Ralphie, Santa's not going anyplace. Just be still. 852 01:05:04,401 --> 01:05:07,070 Mom, this is just the same old dumb parade as last year. 853 01:05:07,153 --> 01:05:09,531 Ralphie, will you please calm down? 854 01:05:09,614 --> 01:05:10,949 - Mom! - Hush! 855 01:05:11,032 --> 01:05:13,076 Shut up, ralphie. 856 01:05:21,793 --> 01:05:23,795 - There he is. - Santa, Santa! 857 01:05:25,797 --> 01:05:29,426 Hey, merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho! 858 01:05:30,927 --> 01:05:32,178 Santa. 859 01:05:32,262 --> 01:05:34,764 Have you been a good boy? Have you? 860 01:05:34,848 --> 01:05:36,141 Can we go now? Can we go? 861 01:05:36,224 --> 01:05:37,934 - Yes. - Yes, we can go now. 862 01:05:38,059 --> 01:05:39,602 Mrs. Parker: Come on, ralphie. 863 01:05:49,279 --> 01:05:53,741 Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas. 864 01:05:53,825 --> 01:05:55,493 Merry Christmas. Ho-ho-ho! 865 01:05:56,744 --> 01:05:59,122 Ralphie: Come on, Randy, hurry up. 866 01:05:59,456 --> 01:06:01,958 Santa: Santa can't wait all night. Let's go. 867 01:06:11,968 --> 01:06:14,053 Ralphie, look over there. 868 01:06:14,137 --> 01:06:16,514 - See, the line's not so long. - Ralphie: Yeah. 869 01:06:16,598 --> 01:06:19,267 Go get in it. Take Randy's hand and hold on to him. 870 01:06:19,350 --> 01:06:22,520 - We will see you later, okay? - Yeah, stay together, don't get lost. 871 01:06:22,604 --> 01:06:23,855 Okay. 872 01:06:27,066 --> 01:06:29,777 Come on. Let's go. 873 01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:34,365 Man: Young man. 874 01:06:34,449 --> 01:06:37,494 Hey, kid. Just where do you think you're going? 875 01:06:37,827 --> 01:06:39,496 Going up to see Santa. 876 01:06:40,288 --> 01:06:41,873 The line ends here. 877 01:06:41,956 --> 01:06:43,416 It begins there. 878 01:06:43,500 --> 01:06:45,502 Santa: Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho! 879 01:06:45,585 --> 01:06:47,253 Come on, come up, boys and girls. 880 01:06:47,337 --> 01:06:49,172 Hurry up. 881 01:06:50,173 --> 01:06:51,633 Let's go. 882 01:06:51,758 --> 01:06:53,760 Oh, no. 883 01:06:54,427 --> 01:06:55,803 Come on. 884 01:06:59,807 --> 01:07:02,644 The line waiting to see Santa claus stretched all the way... 885 01:07:02,727 --> 01:07:04,521 Back to terre haute. 886 01:07:05,355 --> 01:07:08,149 And I was at the end of it. 887 01:07:08,233 --> 01:07:11,945 - Santa: Merry Christmas. - I like Santa. 888 01:07:14,155 --> 01:07:15,949 Santa: Come on. Welcome. Come on. 889 01:07:16,032 --> 01:07:18,368 Let's face it. Most of us were scoffers. 890 01:07:18,451 --> 01:07:22,705 But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances. 891 01:07:24,374 --> 01:07:28,795 Look at all the children. Hey, little boy. 892 01:07:28,878 --> 01:07:31,798 I'll get you, my pretty. 893 01:07:31,881 --> 01:07:35,134 What a tasty little boy. 894 01:07:35,218 --> 01:07:36,719 Don't bother me. 895 01:07:36,803 --> 01:07:39,222 I'm thinking. 896 01:07:42,559 --> 01:07:45,728 I like the wizard of oz. 897 01:07:54,028 --> 01:07:57,907 If higbee thinks I'm working one minute past 9, he can kiss my foot. 898 01:07:59,909 --> 01:08:02,120 Come on, up on Santa's lap. 899 01:08:02,203 --> 01:08:04,122 There's a wet one. 900 01:08:04,247 --> 01:08:06,082 Santa: And what's your name, little boy? 901 01:08:06,708 --> 01:08:09,877 - Have you been a good boy? - Come on, Randy. 902 01:08:10,503 --> 01:08:12,547 And what do you want for Christmas, Billy? 903 01:08:12,630 --> 01:08:15,216 A toy truck? Get him off my lap. 904 01:08:15,300 --> 01:08:17,010 Quick, get me a towel. 905 01:08:17,093 --> 01:08:19,262 Bye, Billy. Ho-ho-ho! 906 01:08:25,059 --> 01:08:27,270 Oh, I hate the smell of tapioca. 907 01:08:28,938 --> 01:08:32,817 Man: Attention, shoppers. It is now 9 pm. And our store is closed. 908 01:08:32,900 --> 01:08:34,652 Nine o'clock? Great Scott! 909 01:08:34,777 --> 01:08:36,779 The store's gonna close. 910 01:08:36,863 --> 01:08:39,949 Santa: Santa can't wait all night. Let's go. 911 01:08:40,033 --> 01:08:42,493 Come on up on Santa's lap. 912 01:08:51,502 --> 01:08:53,963 Get moving, kid. 913 01:08:54,505 --> 01:08:57,091 Quit dragging your feet. 914 01:08:57,175 --> 01:09:00,553 Come up. Ho-ho-ho! 915 01:09:08,186 --> 01:09:10,980 Uh-oh. Get him out of here. 916 01:09:21,449 --> 01:09:23,284 Come on, kid. 917 01:09:26,162 --> 01:09:27,664 Come on. 918 01:09:29,290 --> 01:09:30,833 Come on up. Come on up there. 919 01:09:42,178 --> 01:09:46,015 And what's your name, little boy? 920 01:09:46,140 --> 01:09:50,228 Hey, kid, hurry up, the store's closing. 921 01:09:50,311 --> 01:09:51,604 Woman: Come on! 922 01:09:52,480 --> 01:09:56,484 Listen, little boy, we got a lot of people waiting here, so get going. 923 01:09:56,609 --> 01:09:59,070 Boy: Come on. Yeah. Come on. 924 01:09:59,153 --> 01:10:02,365 What do you want for Christmas, little boy? 925 01:10:02,490 --> 01:10:04,575 My mind had gone blank. 926 01:10:04,659 --> 01:10:07,286 Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted. 927 01:10:07,370 --> 01:10:09,288 I was blowing it, blowing it. 928 01:10:09,372 --> 01:10:11,165 Come on, kid. 929 01:10:11,582 --> 01:10:14,752 How about a nice football? 930 01:10:14,836 --> 01:10:18,381 Football. Football. What's a football? 931 01:10:18,464 --> 01:10:20,633 Without conscious will, my voice squeaked out: 932 01:10:20,717 --> 01:10:22,260 - Yeah. - Football. 933 01:10:22,343 --> 01:10:24,011 Okay, get him out of here. 934 01:10:24,721 --> 01:10:27,932 A football. Oh, no. What was I doing? 935 01:10:28,015 --> 01:10:32,061 - Wake up, stupid, wake up. No! - No! 936 01:10:38,443 --> 01:10:39,861 No, no! I want an official... 937 01:10:39,944 --> 01:10:43,406 Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle. 938 01:10:44,699 --> 01:10:46,576 You'll shoot your eye out, kid. 939 01:10:48,077 --> 01:10:49,912 Merry Christmas. 940 01:10:59,380 --> 01:11:01,215 Santa: Ho-ho-ho! 941 01:11:01,591 --> 01:11:04,886 And we're here to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of oz... 942 01:11:05,762 --> 01:11:08,598 I'll see you in oz, folks. 943 01:11:12,393 --> 01:11:14,771 Mr. Parker: Well, did you...? 944 01:11:16,272 --> 01:11:18,399 - Did you see Santa claus? - Yeah. 945 01:11:18,483 --> 01:11:20,735 Did you tell him what you wanted for Christmas? 946 01:11:20,818 --> 01:11:25,114 - Yeah. - Did he ask you if you'd been a good boy? 947 01:11:26,741 --> 01:11:29,452 Don't worry, he knows. 948 01:11:29,535 --> 01:11:31,537 He always knows. 949 01:11:31,621 --> 01:11:33,831 Merry Christmas. 950 01:11:33,915 --> 01:11:36,542 Merry Christmas. Ho-ho-ho. 951 01:11:37,627 --> 01:11:41,672 Okay, down you go. Bye-bye, Chris. 952 01:11:41,756 --> 01:11:45,301 Merry Christmas. Ho-ho-ho! 953 01:11:51,641 --> 01:11:53,935 That's fine. 954 01:11:54,644 --> 01:11:57,188 Now, wait a minute. All right. Plug her in. 955 01:11:57,271 --> 01:11:59,023 It is, it is. 956 01:11:59,106 --> 01:12:00,775 Well, the green string is out. 957 01:12:00,900 --> 01:12:03,319 No, the green is on. It's the blue that's out. 958 01:12:03,444 --> 01:12:07,114 Oh, don't tell me what color it is. I'm not colorblind. 959 01:12:07,657 --> 01:12:09,450 I'm not colorblind either. 960 01:12:11,744 --> 01:12:14,705 Mr. Parker: There, see, I told you it was green. 961 01:12:16,666 --> 01:12:20,211 Mr. Parker: Hold it! Don't anybody move! 962 01:12:20,294 --> 01:12:22,213 Hold it right there! 963 01:12:22,296 --> 01:12:24,590 A fuse is out. 964 01:12:24,674 --> 01:12:28,386 The old man could replace fuses quicker than a jackrabbit on a date. 965 01:12:28,469 --> 01:12:30,888 He bought them by the gross. 966 01:12:32,473 --> 01:12:33,850 Mr. Parker: Ha. 967 01:12:34,600 --> 01:12:37,895 -Oh, well. 968 01:12:37,979 --> 01:12:39,730 My, isn't that pretty? 969 01:12:40,982 --> 01:12:42,692 Hot son of a gun. 970 01:12:44,277 --> 01:12:46,904 No, that star is crooked. 971 01:12:46,988 --> 01:12:49,240 That star is perfectly straight. 972 01:12:49,407 --> 01:12:51,826 - Careful! - That'll do it. It's all right. That's it. 973 01:12:51,909 --> 01:12:54,871 - Mrs. Parker: Oh, be careful. - I am, I am. It's... 974 01:12:54,954 --> 01:12:57,957 Come on, let's set up the other thing. Just let me get it fixed. 975 01:12:58,040 --> 01:13:00,626 That's all right. 976 01:13:04,380 --> 01:13:06,841 Hey! Perfect. 977 01:13:10,136 --> 01:13:11,929 Mrs. Parker: Oh, goodness, look at the time. 978 01:13:12,054 --> 01:13:14,432 I hope Santa hasn't had to pass up this house... 979 01:13:14,515 --> 01:13:17,184 Just because some boys weren't in bed when he came by. 980 01:13:17,268 --> 01:13:19,937 Mr. Parker: Yeah, I thought I heard Santa's sleigh bells... 981 01:13:20,104 --> 01:13:23,232 A little while ago going up the other side of the street. 982 01:13:23,357 --> 01:13:25,943 Mrs. Parker: All right, you two, upstairs. Mr. Parker: Come on. 983 01:13:26,027 --> 01:13:29,155 Come on. On the double, on the double: 984 01:13:39,498 --> 01:13:41,125 Okay, let's get them. 985 01:14:43,145 --> 01:14:46,524 Randy. Randy, come on. Get up, Randy. 986 01:14:56,993 --> 01:14:58,494 Santa claus had come. 987 01:15:02,665 --> 01:15:05,418 Wow, a truck. That's mine! 988 01:15:05,501 --> 01:15:07,628 Wow, look over here! That's mine! 989 01:15:07,712 --> 01:15:09,547 Oh, what's in here? 990 01:15:09,630 --> 01:15:10,965 Oh, it's hard. 991 01:15:11,048 --> 01:15:14,677 Fire truck. Oh, boy, that's mine! 992 01:15:23,102 --> 01:15:25,229 Does this raise? 993 01:15:31,861 --> 01:15:34,405 Dad, dad. 994 01:15:39,660 --> 01:15:41,996 Merry Christmas! 995 01:15:42,288 --> 01:15:45,332 - Merry Christmas, you two. - Merry Christmas. 996 01:15:45,416 --> 01:15:48,502 Now, Randy, no. Wait for Christmas to start, honey. 997 01:15:48,586 --> 01:15:51,464 - Randy: I wanna play Santa. - Well, wait a minute, Randy. 998 01:15:51,547 --> 01:15:54,175 You played Santa. He played Santa last year, didn't he? 999 01:15:54,258 --> 01:15:56,510 - Yeah. - Yeah. Ralphie, you play Santa this time. 1000 01:15:56,594 --> 01:15:59,013 - Come on, ralphie. - Well, who should I start with? 1001 01:15:59,138 --> 01:16:02,058 - Well, give Randy a present. - Yeah! Yeah! 1002 01:16:02,183 --> 01:16:05,186 And I think I see aunt Clara's gift to you right over there. 1003 01:16:05,269 --> 01:16:07,980 She always sends you such wonderful presents, ralphie. 1004 01:16:08,064 --> 01:16:10,357 - Give me mine, ralphie. Come on. - Okay. 1005 01:16:10,483 --> 01:16:11,776 Ran dy: Come on, Ralph. 1006 01:16:27,708 --> 01:16:29,543 Christmas had come. Officially. 1007 01:16:30,419 --> 01:16:33,547 We plunged into the cornucopia, quivering with desire... 1008 01:16:33,631 --> 01:16:36,383 And the ecstasy of unbridled avarice. 1009 01:16:36,467 --> 01:16:38,344 Didn't I get a tie this year? 1010 01:16:42,098 --> 01:16:44,058 Wow. Whoopee! 1011 01:16:44,141 --> 01:16:46,018 A zeppelin. 1012 01:16:46,102 --> 01:16:48,646 Mr. Parker: A can of simonize. 1013 01:16:48,813 --> 01:16:51,941 Ralphie, what did aunt Clara give you? Show everybody. 1014 01:16:57,238 --> 01:16:58,489 I don't want to. 1015 01:16:58,656 --> 01:17:01,283 Ralphie, show everybody what aunt Clara gave you. 1016 01:17:02,159 --> 01:17:04,829 Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion... 1017 01:17:04,912 --> 01:17:10,167 That I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl. 1018 01:17:10,292 --> 01:17:14,588 She just always gives you the nicest things, ralphie. 1019 01:17:16,298 --> 01:17:18,342 Oh, my god. 1020 01:17:18,425 --> 01:17:21,345 Oh, isn't that sweet? 1021 01:17:21,512 --> 01:17:23,192 Ralph, go upstairs and try it on if you... 1022 01:17:23,222 --> 01:17:24,640 I don't want to. 1023 01:17:24,765 --> 01:17:26,976 Go upstairs right now and try on that present. 1024 01:17:27,059 --> 01:17:29,645 She went to all that trouble to make it. Now, go on. 1025 01:17:38,112 --> 01:17:42,283 While ralphie is changing, I'm gonna play Santa claus. 1026 01:17:42,408 --> 01:17:46,412 Now, let me see. What can I fi...? Oh, I see something. 1027 01:17:46,495 --> 01:17:50,082 - Randy. This is for you, honey. - Mr. Parker: Oh, Jesus. 1028 01:17:50,166 --> 01:17:54,295 - Oh, and this is for daddy. - Mr. Parker: Oh, boy. 1029 01:17:55,504 --> 01:17:58,674 - Here. From me to you. - Oh! 1030 01:18:00,426 --> 01:18:02,469 Thanks a lot. 1031 01:18:03,179 --> 01:18:05,681 I wonder what it could be. 1032 01:18:06,348 --> 01:18:08,976 Only one way to find out, isn't there? 1033 01:18:09,059 --> 01:18:11,437 Well, it's a blue ball. 1034 01:18:12,021 --> 01:18:15,858 Oh, it's a bowling ball. 1035 01:18:15,983 --> 01:18:17,693 - Thank you, darling. - Do you like it? 1036 01:18:17,776 --> 01:18:20,821 Yes, very much. Very much. 1037 01:18:20,905 --> 01:18:23,866 Ralphie! We're waiting! 1038 01:18:24,241 --> 01:18:25,868 Ralphie: Oh, come on, mom. 1039 01:18:26,368 --> 01:18:27,870 Right now! 1040 01:18:38,005 --> 01:18:41,508 Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies... 1041 01:18:41,592 --> 01:18:45,721 With the blue button eyes stared sappily up at me. 1042 01:18:45,846 --> 01:18:49,266 Come down here so I can see you better. 1043 01:18:49,350 --> 01:18:51,602 I just hoped that flick would never spot them... 1044 01:18:51,685 --> 01:18:54,521 As the word of this humiliation could easily make life... 1045 01:18:54,605 --> 01:18:57,274 At Warren g. Harding school a veritable hell. 1046 01:18:57,733 --> 01:19:00,986 Oh! Isn't that cu...? 1047 01:19:01,070 --> 01:19:04,073 That is the most precious thing I've ever seen in my life. 1048 01:19:05,908 --> 01:19:07,284 Shut up, Randy. 1049 01:19:07,451 --> 01:19:09,536 He looks like a deranged easter bunny. 1050 01:19:11,580 --> 01:19:13,290 - He does not. - He does too. 1051 01:19:13,374 --> 01:19:15,751 He looks like a pink nightmare. 1052 01:19:15,876 --> 01:19:17,795 Are you happy wearing that? 1053 01:19:17,962 --> 01:19:20,756 Do you want to take it off? Tell the kid to take it off. 1054 01:19:20,839 --> 01:19:23,968 You'll only wear it when aunt Clara visits. Go on and take it off. 1055 01:19:24,051 --> 01:19:25,761 Mr. Parker: Take it off! 1056 01:19:28,847 --> 01:19:31,100 Mr. Parker: My god, would you look at that mess? 1057 01:19:31,183 --> 01:19:33,811 - Who's gonna clean the papers up? - Ralphie: Not me. 1058 01:19:33,894 --> 01:19:36,313 Mrs. Parker: Oh, no? Mr. Parker: Randy did it last year. 1059 01:19:36,397 --> 01:19:38,607 Ralphie: Well, he can do it again. 1060 01:19:39,942 --> 01:19:41,777 Mr. Parker: You know, this wine is not bad. 1061 01:19:41,860 --> 01:19:43,904 It's not good either, but... You want a sip? 1062 01:19:43,988 --> 01:19:46,448 - Yeah. - No, you don't. 1063 01:19:46,824 --> 01:19:49,493 - Did you have a nice Christmas? - Yeah, pretty nice. 1064 01:19:49,576 --> 01:19:52,121 Yeah? Did you get everything you wanted? 1065 01:19:52,204 --> 01:19:53,497 Well, almost. 1066 01:19:53,580 --> 01:19:59,461 Almost, huh? Well, that's life. Well, there's always next Christmas. 1067 01:19:59,545 --> 01:20:01,505 Yup. 1068 01:20:01,588 --> 01:20:04,008 Hey, that's funny. 1069 01:20:04,550 --> 01:20:08,262 - What's that over there behind the desk? - Where? 1070 01:20:08,345 --> 01:20:11,015 Over behind the desk against the wall over there. 1071 01:20:13,183 --> 01:20:15,227 Why don't you go check it out? 1072 01:20:15,311 --> 01:20:16,937 Go on. 1073 01:20:31,243 --> 01:20:33,787 What did we put over there, honey? 1074 01:20:33,871 --> 01:20:35,748 Santa claus probably put it. 1075 01:21:12,993 --> 01:21:17,122 Oh, it was beautiful. I could hardly wait to try it out. 1076 01:21:17,539 --> 01:21:19,541 - Do you know how to load it? - Yeah. 1077 01:21:19,625 --> 01:21:21,168 Mr. Parker: Yeah? 1078 01:21:22,169 --> 01:21:24,213 Be careful. That's right. 1079 01:21:31,220 --> 01:21:32,930 Mr. Parker: Be careful. 1080 01:21:33,055 --> 01:21:34,890 Don't. They run all over. 1081 01:21:41,271 --> 01:21:43,399 Close her up. Close it up. 1082 01:21:43,524 --> 01:21:45,442 Can I try it out, ma? Can I? 1083 01:21:46,235 --> 01:21:49,238 - Sure. - Okay. But outside. 1084 01:21:49,363 --> 01:21:52,366 Oh, I still say those things are dangerous. 1085 01:21:52,491 --> 01:21:56,578 No, no! Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out. 1086 01:21:58,997 --> 01:22:02,459 I had one when I was 8 years old. 1087 01:22:02,543 --> 01:22:04,044 - What if he hurts himself? - Hey! 1088 01:22:04,128 --> 01:22:05,504 Ralphie, your coat! 1089 01:22:06,422 --> 01:22:10,217 - Don't shoot any animals or birds. - Except the bumpuses' dogs. 1090 01:22:10,300 --> 01:22:14,388 Oh, you hush. Be careful, ralphie. 1091 01:22:14,471 --> 01:22:16,765 Now, it is well-known throughout the midwest... 1092 01:22:16,849 --> 01:22:20,144 That the old man is a Turkey junkie. 1093 01:22:20,227 --> 01:22:23,397 - A bona fide garley turkicanus freak. - Go fix your plumbing. 1094 01:22:23,480 --> 01:22:26,316 A few days before Christmas his eyes would begin to gleam... 1095 01:22:26,400 --> 01:22:29,361 - With a wild and ravenous light. - Go in the other room. 1096 01:22:32,865 --> 01:22:38,620 Okay, black Bart, now you get yours. 1097 01:22:51,216 --> 01:22:53,135 Oh, my god! I shot my eye out. 1098 01:22:53,218 --> 01:22:55,053 Santa: You'll shoot your eye out, kid. 1099 01:22:55,137 --> 01:23:00,058 Witch: You'll shoot your eye out you'll shoot your eye out 1100 01:23:00,517 --> 01:23:03,520 ralphie, you be careful out there. Don't shoot your eye out. 1101 01:23:03,604 --> 01:23:06,398 She hadn't seen. She didn't know. 1102 01:23:06,482 --> 01:23:10,110 My eye's all right. The bb must have hit my glasses. 1103 01:23:10,527 --> 01:23:14,615 My glasses. Oh, no, where are my glasses? 1104 01:23:15,657 --> 01:23:18,702 Few things brought such swift and terrible retribution on a kid... 1105 01:23:18,785 --> 01:23:21,330 As a pair of busted glasses. 1106 01:23:25,667 --> 01:23:27,503 Stop! 1107 01:23:39,348 --> 01:23:41,266 Oh, no. 1108 01:23:43,227 --> 01:23:46,355 Oh, no. Pulverized. 1109 01:23:52,110 --> 01:23:54,238 Oh, no. 1110 01:23:57,449 --> 01:24:02,454 For a moment, I thought, I'll fake it. They'll never know the lens is gone. 1111 01:24:02,871 --> 01:24:04,122 Oh, no. 1112 01:24:04,206 --> 01:24:07,167 Rapidly my mind evolved a spectacular plot. 1113 01:24:08,502 --> 01:24:09,962 Let's see, an icicle. Yeah. 1114 01:24:10,045 --> 01:24:12,381 Falls off the garage and hits me in the eye. 1115 01:24:12,464 --> 01:24:15,926 It would work. It had to work. Quickly, I whipped up some tears. 1116 01:24:17,219 --> 01:24:18,887 Ralphie? 1117 01:24:23,058 --> 01:24:24,560 Mrs. Parker: What's the matter, honey? 1118 01:24:24,643 --> 01:24:26,144 Oh, what happened? What is it? 1119 01:24:26,228 --> 01:24:27,604 Let me see that. What is it? 1120 01:24:27,688 --> 01:24:30,566 There was this icicle and it fell off the garage and hit me. 1121 01:24:30,649 --> 01:24:32,859 Come on inside out of the cold. What is this? 1122 01:24:35,279 --> 01:24:36,989 - What? - Mrs. Parker: No, it's okay. 1123 01:24:37,072 --> 01:24:40,701 Just read your funnies. It's all right. 1124 01:24:40,784 --> 01:24:44,580 Randy. Wake up, Randy. 1125 01:24:48,458 --> 01:24:49,710 Oh, god. 1126 01:24:50,127 --> 01:24:53,922 It hit my cheek and it broke my glasses. 1127 01:24:54,006 --> 01:24:58,635 - And I tried to get out of the way, but I... - Let's try this. Wait a second. 1128 01:24:58,719 --> 01:25:02,472 There, see, it's just a little bump. 1129 01:25:02,556 --> 01:25:05,475 Ralphie, you're lucky it didn't cut your eye. 1130 01:25:05,559 --> 01:25:08,103 Those icicles have been known to kill people. 1131 01:25:14,151 --> 01:25:17,613 - What's going on up there? - Mrs. Parker: Nothing. We'll be right down. 1132 01:25:17,696 --> 01:25:19,197 You stay away from that Turkey. 1133 01:25:19,281 --> 01:25:22,576 It's got an hour to cook. You'll get worms. 1134 01:25:26,872 --> 01:25:28,749 But what about my glasses? 1135 01:25:28,832 --> 01:25:31,251 You can wear the old ones with the crack in them... 1136 01:25:31,335 --> 01:25:34,129 Until we get you some new ones, okay? 1137 01:25:35,964 --> 01:25:38,634 I had pulled it off. 1138 01:25:39,301 --> 01:25:41,094 But I left my gun outside. 1139 01:25:41,178 --> 01:25:45,641 Yeah. Well, when you get dressed you can go out and get your gun, okay? 1140 01:25:45,724 --> 01:25:47,351 Hold that on there. 1141 01:25:47,434 --> 01:25:49,353 Life is like that. 1142 01:25:49,436 --> 01:25:54,358 Sometimes at the height of our revelries when our joy is at its zenith... 1143 01:25:54,441 --> 01:25:57,402 When all is most right with the world... 1144 01:25:57,486 --> 01:26:02,157 The most unthinkable disasters descend upon us. 1145 01:26:15,420 --> 01:26:16,922 The Turkey! 1146 01:26:21,009 --> 01:26:23,679 Oh, my god. 1147 01:26:25,347 --> 01:26:26,973 You sons of...! 1148 01:26:32,688 --> 01:26:36,525 Sons of bitches! Bumpuses! 1149 01:26:51,331 --> 01:26:53,875 The heavenly aroma still hung heavy in the house. 1150 01:26:53,959 --> 01:26:55,752 But it was gone. All gone. 1151 01:26:55,836 --> 01:26:59,047 No Turkey. No Turkey sandwiches. No Turkey salad. 1152 01:26:59,131 --> 01:27:01,049 No Turkey gravy, Turkey hash... 1153 01:27:01,133 --> 01:27:03,677 Turkey a la king, or gallons of Turkey soup. 1154 01:27:03,760 --> 01:27:06,471 Gone! All gone! 1155 01:27:10,267 --> 01:27:14,146 All right! Everybody upstairs. Get dressed. 1156 01:27:16,231 --> 01:27:18,150 We are going out to eat. 1157 01:27:38,837 --> 01:27:42,215 No, no, no. 1158 01:27:42,299 --> 01:27:45,260 No, no, no. Not "ra, ra, ra, ra"... 1159 01:27:45,343 --> 01:27:46,803 Ia, la, la, la. 1160 01:27:46,887 --> 01:27:48,221 Sing like this: 1161 01:27:56,104 --> 01:27:57,773 Try again. 1162 01:28:08,283 --> 01:28:09,618 Stop, stop, stop. 1163 01:28:09,701 --> 01:28:11,661 Sing something else. 1164 01:28:25,050 --> 01:28:28,011 No, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop. 1165 01:28:28,094 --> 01:28:30,222 Kitchen. Bring food. For customers. 1166 01:28:39,564 --> 01:28:41,024 Oh, I'm sorry. 1167 01:28:41,107 --> 01:28:43,527 - Oh, yes. - Look at that. 1168 01:28:43,610 --> 01:28:46,530 It's a beautiful duck. Yes, it really is. 1169 01:28:46,613 --> 01:28:50,742 It's... but you see, it's... 1170 01:28:52,536 --> 01:28:56,581 - What? - It's smiling at me. 1171 01:29:00,794 --> 01:29:02,504 Okay? 1172 01:29:03,505 --> 01:29:05,090 - —Beautiful. - Yeah. Yes, it's... 1173 01:29:05,173 --> 01:29:08,051 - Wonderful, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. 1174 01:29:08,134 --> 01:29:11,137 That Christmas would live in our memories as the Christmas... 1175 01:29:11,221 --> 01:29:13,849 When we were introduced to Chinese Turkey. 1176 01:29:15,225 --> 01:29:17,769 All was right with the world. 1177 01:29:38,290 --> 01:29:41,251 Mr. Parker: Oh, honey, come over here. Look at this. 1178 01:29:41,334 --> 01:29:44,337 Mrs. Parker: Ooh, is that beautiful. 1179 01:29:45,088 --> 01:29:46,506 Oh! 1180 01:29:53,889 --> 01:29:55,557 Merry Christmas. 1181 01:30:29,257 --> 01:30:34,179 Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue-steel beauty. 1182 01:30:34,262 --> 01:30:36,640 The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received... 1183 01:30:36,723 --> 01:30:39,225 Or would ever receive. 1184 01:30:39,309 --> 01:30:41,478 Gradually, I drifted off to sleep... 1185 01:30:41,561 --> 01:30:46,274 Pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.