1
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:56,264
There it is.

2
00:00:56,432 --> 00:00:59,434
My house
at good old Cleveland Street.

3
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,811
How could I ever forget it?

4
00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,689
And there I am,
with that dumb, round face. . .

5
00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:07,817
. . .and that stupid stocking cap.

6
00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,778
But no matter.
Christmas was on its way.

7
00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:17,452
Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas,
around which the entire kid year revolved.

8
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:43,936
Downtown Hohman was prepared
for its yearly bacchanalia. . .

9
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:47,356
. . .of peace on Earth
and goodwill to men.

10
00:02:36,949 --> 00:02:40,660
Higbees' corner window
was traditionally a high-water mark. . .

11
00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:43,830
. . .of the pre-Christmas season.

12
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,958
First-nighters,
packed earmuff to earmuff. . .

13
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:52,338
. . .jostled in wonderment
before a golden, tinkling display. . .

14
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:57,593
. . .of mechanized, electronic joy.

15
00:03:40,304 --> 00:03:42,972
There it is.

16
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,308
The holy grail of Christmas gifts.

17
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:50,396
The Red Ryder 200-shot range
model air rifle.

18
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,982
And there he is.

19
00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:55,151
Red Ryder himself.

20
00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:57,486
In his hand was the knurled stock. . .

21
00:03:57,654 --> 00:04:04,160
. . .of as coolly, deadly looking a piece
of weaponry as ever I had laid eyes on.

22
00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:11,208
For weeks, I had been scheming
to get my mitts. . .

23
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:15,171
. . .on one of these fearsome
blue-steel beauties.

24
00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:19,175
My fevered brain seethed
with the effort of trying to come up. . .

25
00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:22,637
. . .with the infinitely
subtle devices necessary. . .

26
00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:26,849
. . .to implant the Red Ryder
range model air rifle indelibly. . .

27
00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:29,393
. . .into my parents' subconscious.

28
00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:32,146
Ralphie! Randy!

29
00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,315
Down here in two minutes.

30
00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,359
And I mean two minutes.

31
00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:40,321
Come on, Ralphie! I got here first!

32
00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:47,036
Cut it out.

33
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:15,731
My mother, grabbing for her copy
of Look magazine. . .

34
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:21,153
. . .would find herself cleverly trapped
into reading a Red Ryder sales pitch.

35
00:05:23,115 --> 00:05:26,117
They traded Bullfrog.
I don't believe it.

36
00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:27,576
What's that?

37
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:30,329
Well, for chrissakes,
the Sox traded Bullfrog. . .

38
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,748
. . .the only player they've got,
for Shottenhoffer.

39
00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:35,584
Four Eyes Shottenhoffer,
utility infielder.

40
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,838
Got a whole goddamned team
of utility infielders.

41
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,256
That's nice.

42
00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:43,467
Ralphie, on the double!

43
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,345
Did you hear about this guy
who swallowed a yo-yo?

44
00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:47,888
Swallowed a yo-yo?

45
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:49,265
Yeah, on a bet.

46
00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:52,518
Some clodhopper
down in Griffith, Indiana.

47
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:56,022
Boy, they write the silliest things
in the newspapers.

48
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,440
What do you mean silly?

49
00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:58,816
I mean, that's real news.

50
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,902
That's not like that politics slop.

51
00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:07,283
What is the name
of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

52
00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:09,452
Victor. His name is Victor.

53
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,037
How the hell did you know that?

54
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,456
Everybody knows that.

55
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:16,959
Is that another
one of your silly puzzles?

56
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:19,295
Yeah, it's another
one of my silly puzzles.

57
00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:23,883
Could be worth 50, 000 bucks.

58
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:26,010
What kind is it this time?

59
00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:29,555
Name the great characters
in American literature.

60
00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:31,348
- Victor?
- Yeah.

61
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:33,768
The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

62
00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:37,104
Meanwhile, I struggled
for exactly the right BB gun hint.

63
00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:38,647
It had to be firm, but subtle.

64
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,984
Flick says he saw some grizzly bears
near Pulaski's candy store.

65
00:06:47,783 --> 00:06:51,952
They looked at me as if
I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

66
00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:56,999
I could tell I was in imminent danger
of overplaying my hand.

67
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,710
Casually, I switched tactics.

68
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,378
Hey, Dad.

69
00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:05,132
I'll bet you'll never guess
what I got for you for Christmas.

70
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:08,594
A new furnace.

71
00:07:10,222 --> 00:07:11,806
That's a good one, Dad.

72
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:18,687
My old man was one of the most feared
furnace fighters in Northern Indiana.

73
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:21,524
Hurry up,
you're gonna be late for school.

74
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:24,026
Yeah, yeah. I'm running late already.

75
00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:26,487
Round one was over.

76
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:30,282
Parents, one. Kids, zip.

77
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,577
I could feel the Christmas noose
beginning to tighten.

78
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:36,539
Maybe what happened next
was inevitable.

79
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:39,291
Ralphie,
what would you like for Christmas?

80
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,627
Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out.

81
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:46,382
I want an official Red Ryder
carbine action 200-range model air rifle.

82
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,135
No. Shoot your eye out.

83
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:52,888
Oh, no, it was the classic
mother BB gun block:

84
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,974
"You'll shoot your eye out."

85
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,935
That deadly phrase
uttered many times before. . .

86
00:07:58,103 --> 00:08:00,688
. . .by hundreds of mothers
was not surmountable. . .

87
00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:02,815
. . .by any means known to Kid-dom.

88
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,944
But such was my mania,
my desire for a Red Ryder carbine. . .

89
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:11,198
. . .that I immediately began
to rebuild the dike.

90
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:12,741
I was just kidding.

91
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,910
Even though Flick is getting one.

92
00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:16,871
I guess I'd just like some Tinkertoys.

93
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,123
I couldn't believe my own ears.
Tinkertoys?

94
00:08:19,291 --> 00:08:20,833
She'd never buy it.

95
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:22,960
BB guns are dangerous.

96
00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,795
I don't want anybody
shooting his eye out.

97
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:32,052
Randy, will you eat?

98
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:35,055
There are starving people in China.

99
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,400
Mothers know nothing
about creeping marauders. . .

100
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:48,903
. . .burrowing through the snow
toward the kitchen. . .

101
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,654
. . .where only you and you alone. . .

102
00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:55,618
. . .stand between your tiny,
huddled family and insensate evil.

103
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,623
Save us.

104
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,126
Save us, Ralphie.

105
00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:09,423
I just knowed those bad guys
would be coming for us in the end.

106
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:13,052
Don't worry, Dad.
As long as I got Ol' Blue.

107
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,974
Well, now,
what have we got here, folks?

108
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:22,228
Well, we figure it's Black Bart, Ralph.

109
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:26,106
Well, just me and my trusty
old Red Ryder carbine action. . .

110
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,651
. . .200-shot range model air rifle.

111
00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:31,487
Lucky I got a compass in the stock.

112
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:35,032
- Well, I think I better have a look here.
- Don't worry, son.

113
00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:51,882
- Oh, no, it's Ol' Blue.
- Ol' Blue.

114
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,926
Oh, no.

115
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:57,680
Seize him, boys! The jig is up!

116
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,693
Killed another one.
Oh, he's a deadeye, ain't he?

117
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:16,782
He's getting him.

118
00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:20,119
Okay, Ralphie.

119
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:24,790
You win this time, but we'll be back.

120
00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:30,462
Adiós, Bart.

121
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:34,049
But if you do come back,
you'll be pushing up daisies.

122
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:42,141
- And don't you forget it.
- Well, son, you saved us.

123
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,559
We were goners for sure.

124
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:45,102
And you saved us.

125
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:47,604
Hallelujah!

126
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:50,232
Go on! Beat it!

127
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:57,698
The Olds. Nothing but Oldsmobile.
That pile of junk.

128
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,451
That goddamned Olds
has froze up again.

129
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:03,078
Some men are Baptists,
others Catholics.

130
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:05,581
My father was an Oldsmobile man.

131
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:10,127
That son of a bitch would freeze up
in the middle of summer on the equator.

132
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:13,672
- Little pitchers.
- And hold it!

133
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:29,605
It's a clinker!

134
00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:31,815
That blasted stupid furnace.

135
00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:34,109
Dadgum it.

136
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:40,699
Damn skates.

137
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,953
Oh, for chrissake,
open up the damper, will you?

138
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:48,248
Who the hell turned it
all the way down, again?!

139
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,542
Oh, blast it!

140
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,961
Blurred rattle crash camel flirt!

141
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:56,632
You block-head battled piece
jerk off trash!

142
00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:04,306
In the heat of battle, my father
wove a tapestry of obscenity. . .

143
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:05,808
. . .that, as far as we know. . .

144
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:08,769
. . .is still hanging in space
over Lake Michigan.

145
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:14,775
Gollywop-dopter-crop-dop-
fratenhouse-stickelfeiffer!

146
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:21,865
Well, preparing to go to school. . .

147
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:25,035
. . .was like getting ready
for extended deep-sea diving.

148
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:46,390
Come on, Mom, we're gonna be late.

149
00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,350
All right, Ralph.

150
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,271
My kid brother
looked like a tick about to pop.

151
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,064
What?

152
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,818
What is it?

153
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:05,868
- What is it?
- I can't put my arms down.

154
00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:19,548
Well, put your arms down
when you get to school.

155
00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:29,183
Goddamn it! You. . . .

156
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,914
Hey, Flick, wait up. Wait up.

157
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:53,999
So, what are you doing?

158
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,002
What does it look like I'm doing,
picking goobers?

159
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,754
Hey, listen, smartass.

160
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:02,799
I asked my old man about sticking
your tongue to metal light poles in winter.

161
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:06,428
And he says it will freeze
right to the pole, just like I told you.

162
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:09,389
Baloney. What would your old man
know about anything?

163
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,225
He knows
because he once saw a guy. . .

164
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:13,936
. . .stick his tongue
to a railroad track on a bet.

165
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:17,606
And the fire department had to come
to get the guy's tongue off the track.

166
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:19,399
Because he couldn't get it off.

167
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,401
Come on, guys, wait up!

168
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,237
Come on, guys!

169
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:26,990
- Come on, guys, wait up.
- Out of the way, kid.

170
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:29,493
Hey, kid.

171
00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,579
I can't get up.

172
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,249
I can't get up!

173
00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:37,626
Ralph! Hey!

174
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:41,380
I can't get up, Ralphie!

175
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:43,131
Come on, Flick, wait up for me.

176
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:46,093
I can't get up!

177
00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:48,428
Ralph! Hey!

178
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:51,848
- Come on, get up. Sit up. Come on.
- I can't get up.

179
00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:57,187
You're okay. Come on, let's go.
Come on, you're all right.

180
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:04,945
Miss Shields.

181
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,364
Miss Shields, Miss Shields.

182
00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:11,285
All right, everyone,
take your seats, please.

183
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:20,252
Good morning, class.

184
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:24,298
Good morning, Miss Shields.

185
00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:00,834
Open your books to page 32.

186
00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:04,338
And as you'll remember,
Silas Marner--

187
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,558
You're full of beans
and so is your old man.

188
00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:17,934
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!

189
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:19,436
- Says who?
- Says me.

190
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:20,854
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!

191
00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:22,564
Well, I double-dare you.

192
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:28,278
The exact exchange and nuance
of phrase in this ritual is very important.

193
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:29,696
Are you kidding?

194
00:16:29,864 --> 00:16:32,282
Stick my tongue to that stupid pole?
That's dumb.

195
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,409
That's because you know it will stick.

196
00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:36,411
- You're full of it.
- Oh, yeah?

197
00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:39,081
- Yeah.
- Well, I double-dog dare you!

198
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:43,210
Now it was serious.
A double-dog dare.

199
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:45,253
What else was left
but a triple dare you?

200
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,881
And finally, the coup de grâce
of all dares:

201
00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:50,759
- The sinister triple-dog dare.
- You guys are really dumb.

202
00:16:51,094 --> 00:16:54,179
I triple-dog dare you!

203
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:57,057
Schwartz created a slight breach
of etiquette. . .

204
00:16:57,225 --> 00:17:00,644
. . .by skipping the triple dare
and going right for the throat.

205
00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:03,063
All right, all right.

206
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,274
Come on, kid.

207
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,949
Well, go on, smartass, and do it.

208
00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:15,784
I'm going, I'm going.

209
00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:20,080
Flick's spine stiffened,
his lips curled in a defiant sneer.

210
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:23,542
There was no going back now.

211
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,587
This is no--

212
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:34,136
Stuck? Stuck? Stuck!

213
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:37,556
Stuck! Stuck! Stuck!

214
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,433
Stuck!

215
00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:43,603
- Stuck! Stuck!
- Geez. It really works.

216
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,064
- Look at him.
- It's stuck!

217
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:48,650
Hey, what have I done?

218
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,451
Don't leave, come back.

219
00:17:57,618 --> 00:18:00,912
- Come back. Don't leave me. Come back.
- But the bell rang.

220
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,330
What are we gonna do?!

221
00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:04,833
- I don't know. The bell rang.
- Yeah.

222
00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,295
Hey, don't leave me. Come back!

223
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:11,339
Come back! Come back.

224
00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,219
Where's Flick?

225
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:19,014
Has anyone seen Flick?

226
00:18:19,182 --> 00:18:20,807
Flick? Flick who?

227
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:23,643
He was at recess, wasn't he?

228
00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:28,023
Ralphie, do you know where Flick is?

229
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:37,699
I said, has anyone seen Flick?

230
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:40,368
Yes, Esther Jane?

231
00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:49,044
Oh, my God.

232
00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:11,358
Holy cow, it's the fire department.

233
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,360
Oh, no.

234
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:19,908
Wow, it's the cops.

235
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:18,300
Now, I know that some of you
put Flick up to this.

236
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:22,137
But he has refused to say who.

237
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,267
But those who did it
know their blame.

238
00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:33,607
And I'm sure that the guilt you feel
is far worse. . .

239
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:36,735
. . .than any punishment
you might receive.

240
00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:43,658
Now, don't you feel terrible?

241
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:47,495
Don't you feel remorse
for what you have done?

242
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:52,751
Well, that's all I'm going to say
about poor Flick.

243
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:58,506
Adults love to say things like that,
but kids know better.

244
00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:02,344
We knew darn well it was always better
not to get caught.

245
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:05,931
Now, boys and girls,
I'm going to give you an assignment.

246
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:10,769
I want you to write a theme.

247
00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:16,942
"What I Want for Christmas."

248
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:19,861
The clouds lifted.

249
00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:22,364
And I want it handed in
tomorrow morning. . . .

250
00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,866
I saw a faint gleam of light. . .

251
00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:27,911
. . .at the other end
of the black cave of doom.

252
00:21:28,079 --> 00:21:32,207
I knew that when Miss Shields read
my magnificent, eloquent theme. . .

253
00:21:32,375 --> 00:21:34,876
. . .that she would sympathize
with my plight. . .

254
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:38,338
. . .and everything
would work out somehow.

255
00:21:53,521 --> 00:21:56,272
Boy, did you see how it stuck?

256
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:57,691
Did it hurt, Flick?

257
00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,567
No. I never felt a thing.

258
00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:01,236
It just caught me off-guard.

259
00:22:01,404 --> 00:22:02,821
You sure were bawling.

260
00:22:02,989 --> 00:22:04,531
I never bawled.

261
00:22:04,699 --> 00:22:07,617
Baloney.

262
00:22:18,921 --> 00:22:21,089
Scut Farkus.

263
00:22:21,257 --> 00:22:23,425
Scut Farkus. What a rotten name.

264
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:24,843
We were trapped.

265
00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:27,053
There he stood,
between us and the alley.

266
00:22:27,388 --> 00:22:31,099
Scut Farkus, staring out at us
with his yellow eyes.

267
00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:32,475
He had yellow eyes.

268
00:22:32,643 --> 00:22:34,936
So help me, God, yellow eyes.

269
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:52,620
Grover Dill,
Farkus' crummy little toady.

270
00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:57,125
Mean, rotten.
His lips curled over his green teeth.

271
00:22:57,293 --> 00:22:58,960
Randy lay there like a slug.

272
00:22:59,128 --> 00:23:00,587
It was his only defense.

273
00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:07,844
- Say uncle.
- Uncle.

274
00:23:08,012 --> 00:23:10,805
- Uncle.
- Uncle!

275
00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:13,141
- Louder!
- Come on, get up. Now.

276
00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:15,935
- Louder!
- Uncle!

277
00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:18,772
- Louder.
- Uncle!

278
00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:21,566
In our world,
you were either a bully, a toady. . .

279
00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:24,611
. . .or one of the nameless rabble
of victims.

280
00:23:24,779 --> 00:23:28,281
All right, who's next?

281
00:23:49,595 --> 00:23:50,887
Man.

282
00:23:51,055 --> 00:23:55,016
In the jungles of Kid-dom,
the mind switches gears rapidly.

283
00:23:55,184 --> 00:23:56,518
Weeks ago, I had sent away. . .

284
00:23:56,685 --> 00:23:59,854
. . . for my Little Orphan Annie
secret society decoder pin.

285
00:24:00,022 --> 00:24:02,023
Oh, skunked again.

286
00:24:02,191 --> 00:24:04,776
No matter.
Today, I had serious work to do.

287
00:24:05,486 --> 00:24:07,570
"What I want for Christmas.

288
00:24:07,738 --> 00:24:10,031
What I want for Christmas
is a Red Ryder BB gun. . .

289
00:24:10,199 --> 00:24:13,159
. . .with a compass in the stock,
and this thing which tells time."

290
00:24:13,327 --> 00:24:14,536
Wow, that's great.

291
00:24:14,703 --> 00:24:17,288
"I think that everybody
should have a Red Ryder BB gun.

292
00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:19,707
They're very good for Christmas.

293
00:24:19,875 --> 00:24:23,419
I don't think that a football's
a very good Christmas present."

294
00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:27,298
Rarely had the words poured
from my penny pencil. . .

295
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:29,843
. . .with such feverish fluidity.

296
00:24:35,057 --> 00:24:39,144
I've won, I've won, I've won!
Hey, go on now.

297
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:40,562
Get out of here, you--!

298
00:24:46,193 --> 00:24:47,777
I've won, I've won.

299
00:24:47,945 --> 00:24:50,155
The Bumpus hounds.

300
00:24:50,531 --> 00:24:55,326
Our hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpuses,
had at least 785 smelly hound dogs.

301
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:58,705
And they ignored every other
human being on earth but my old man.

302
00:24:58,873 --> 00:25:01,332
Dumb dogs. Get.

303
00:25:01,542 --> 00:25:03,501
I won. I won.

304
00:25:03,669 --> 00:25:07,755
- I won, I won, I won!
- What? What is it? What?

305
00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:10,967
A major prize, a major prize.
I won, I won, I won!

306
00:25:11,135 --> 00:25:14,304
Hey, look at that. Look at that.
A Western Union telegram.

307
00:25:14,471 --> 00:25:17,682
Tonight tonight is gonna be the night
Tonight tonight hot damn tonight

308
00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:21,352
- What does this mean here?
- It means it's coming tonight!

309
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,563
I called Ernie McClosky
at the freight depot.

310
00:25:23,731 --> 00:25:28,359
He said that the telegram was late,
the prize was there, he'll send it on tonight.

311
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:32,405
Come on, have a chew, fellas, on me.
It's my gift.

312
00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:38,286
You know, maybe it'll be one of those
Spanish adobe houses down Coral Gate--

313
00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:44,042
Serves you right, you smelly buggers.

314
00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:46,211
Or it could be a bowling alley.

315
00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:48,963
You know, a guy on Terre Haute
won a bowling alley.

316
00:25:49,131 --> 00:25:52,258
How are they gonna deliver
a bowling alley here tonight?

317
00:25:52,426 --> 00:25:54,552
They could send the deed
for chrissake.

318
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:59,265
I mean, I didn't expect they were gonna
send the whole damn bowling alley.

319
00:25:59,433 --> 00:26:02,435
Yeah, well, how about eating, huh?
I'm starving to death.

320
00:26:02,603 --> 00:26:05,563
Getting rich is hard work, kid.
Come on.

321
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,615
Every family has a kid who won't eat.

322
00:26:15,783 --> 00:26:20,787
My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily
in over three years.

323
00:26:21,121 --> 00:26:25,541
Oh, Randy, don't play
with your food, eat it.

324
00:26:26,335 --> 00:26:27,835
Gee.

325
00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:30,338
Starving people
would be happy to have that.

326
00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:32,715
Can I have some more red cabbage?

327
00:26:39,306 --> 00:26:42,976
You stop playing with your food,
or I'll give you something to cry about.

328
00:26:43,185 --> 00:26:46,521
You better stop fooling around
with that and eat it, or you'll be sorry.

329
00:26:50,776 --> 00:26:52,694
Can I please have some more?

330
00:26:52,861 --> 00:26:57,699
My mother had not had a hot meal
for herself in 15 years.

331
00:26:57,866 --> 00:27:02,036
Meat loaf, smeetloaf, double beetloaf.

332
00:27:02,204 --> 00:27:04,789
I hate meat loaf.

333
00:27:04,957 --> 00:27:07,834
All right.
All right, I'll get that kid to eat.

334
00:27:08,002 --> 00:27:09,752
Where's my screwdriver
and my plumber's helper?

335
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,630
- I'll open up his mouth and shove it in.
- Randy.

336
00:27:12,798 --> 00:27:14,882
My mother was more subtle.

337
00:27:15,050 --> 00:27:16,926
How do the little piggies go?

338
00:27:18,012 --> 00:27:20,555
That's right:

339
00:27:20,723 --> 00:27:23,891
Now, show me how the piggies eat.
This is your trough.

340
00:27:24,059 --> 00:27:27,353
Show me how the piggies eat.

341
00:27:27,521 --> 00:27:30,231
Be a good boy.
Show Mommy how the piggies eat.

342
00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:56,132
Oh, my God.

343
00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:02,430
Mommy's little piggy.

344
00:28:23,327 --> 00:28:25,286
It is here.

345
00:28:31,460 --> 00:28:32,752
- Yeah.
- Are you Parker?

346
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:34,670
- Yeah.
- All right, sign here, will you?

347
00:28:34,838 --> 00:28:36,923
- Well, what is it?
- I don't know.

348
00:28:37,091 --> 00:28:38,591
What's in it?

349
00:28:38,759 --> 00:28:40,468
Here. Bring it in, huh?

350
00:28:40,636 --> 00:28:42,929
Okay, boys. Haul that on in here.
Move your tails.

351
00:28:43,097 --> 00:28:44,972
Yeah. Bring it right on in. Right here.

352
00:28:45,140 --> 00:28:48,267
Bring it ahead.
Straight ahead. That's right.

353
00:28:48,977 --> 00:28:51,312
- Right.
- Here, bring it right, right on in, fellas.

354
00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:52,897
That's it. Here we go.

355
00:28:53,065 --> 00:28:54,315
A little more.

356
00:28:54,483 --> 00:28:56,859
A little more. That's it.

357
00:28:58,987 --> 00:29:01,030
Watch the lady.

358
00:29:08,664 --> 00:29:12,458
- That's it.
- Thanks a lot, guys. Merry Christmas.

359
00:29:12,626 --> 00:29:15,878
- Get the crowbar and a hammer, Ralphie.
- Okay.

360
00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:19,173
"Fragile."

361
00:29:19,341 --> 00:29:22,760
- It must be Italian.
- I think that says fragile, honey.

362
00:29:22,928 --> 00:29:24,679
Oh, yeah.

363
00:29:25,848 --> 00:29:27,765
Here we go.

364
00:29:30,436 --> 00:29:35,690
Jeez, they really did a job on this,
you know?

365
00:29:41,405 --> 00:29:43,865
No, here, Ralph, hold that.

366
00:29:45,367 --> 00:29:47,034
Here we go.

367
00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:52,957
Honey, there could be
anything in there.

368
00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:54,667
Jesus.

369
00:29:57,337 --> 00:29:58,629
Maybe they forgot.

370
00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:01,841
No, it's in there.
It's gotta be in there.

371
00:30:06,096 --> 00:30:08,347
Oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

372
00:30:08,515 --> 00:30:14,270
- What?
- Would you look at that?

373
00:30:16,064 --> 00:30:17,690
What is it?

374
00:30:17,858 --> 00:30:19,984
Well, it's a leg.

375
00:30:20,235 --> 00:30:21,527
But what is it?

376
00:30:21,695 --> 00:30:25,364
Well, it's a leg.
You know, like in a statue.

377
00:30:25,532 --> 00:30:28,075
- Statue?
- Yeah, statue.

378
00:30:28,744 --> 00:30:30,745
Yeah, statue.

379
00:30:30,913 --> 00:30:32,205
Ralphie. . . .

380
00:30:32,372 --> 00:30:34,373
My mother was trying
to insinuate herself. . .

381
00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:36,417
. . .between us and the statue.

382
00:30:36,585 --> 00:30:38,586
Holy smoke, would you. . . ?

383
00:30:38,754 --> 00:30:40,171
Do you know what this is?

384
00:30:40,756 --> 00:30:44,258
This is a lamp.

385
00:30:44,426 --> 00:30:47,094
- It was indeed a lamp.
- Isn't that great?

386
00:30:47,763 --> 00:30:49,555
What a great lamp.

387
00:30:49,723 --> 00:30:51,057
Well, I don't know.

388
00:30:52,893 --> 00:30:55,686
Here, hold it. Hold it. Here, go on.

389
00:30:55,854 --> 00:30:58,648
The old man's eyes boggled. . .

390
00:30:59,441 --> 00:31:00,775
. . .overcome by art.

391
00:31:00,943 --> 00:31:02,944
And I know just the place for it.

392
00:31:03,111 --> 00:31:07,323
Right in the middle
of our front-room window.

393
00:31:15,332 --> 00:31:18,334
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

394
00:31:18,961 --> 00:31:20,294
Watch it.

395
00:31:20,462 --> 00:31:22,755
Yeah, let's see.

396
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,218
Oh, Jesus, God.

397
00:31:30,722 --> 00:31:32,890
- Oh, honey?
- No. It's all right. It's all right.

398
00:31:33,058 --> 00:31:34,475
It's all right.

399
00:31:34,768 --> 00:31:36,561
Let's see. . . .

400
00:31:36,728 --> 00:31:39,480
This goes to the radio. . .

401
00:31:39,648 --> 00:31:41,983
. . .and this goes to, and this goes--

402
00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:45,611
- Well, it's just one too many.
- One is tough, yeah.

403
00:31:48,490 --> 00:31:49,740
Well, let's see.

404
00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:52,827
The snap of a few sparks,
a quick whiff of ozone. . .

405
00:31:52,995 --> 00:31:56,539
. . .and the lamp blazed forth
in unparalleled glory.

406
00:31:56,707 --> 00:32:01,836
Oh, look at that. Will you look at that?
Isn't that glorious?

407
00:32:02,004 --> 00:32:04,922
It's indescribably beautiful.

408
00:32:05,090 --> 00:32:08,467
It reminds me of the Fourth of July.
Turn off all the lights.

409
00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:10,761
I wanna see
what it looks like from the street.

410
00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:14,348
- I'll go get the dining room.
- Couldn't we talk this over?

411
00:32:16,852 --> 00:32:18,519
Honey. . . .

412
00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:36,203
Move it a little bit to the right.

413
00:32:36,371 --> 00:32:37,955
Yeah. A little that way.

414
00:32:38,123 --> 00:32:42,668
Just a little more to the right.

415
00:32:42,836 --> 00:32:47,048
Yeah. More. That's it. No, stop.
Right there. That's wonderful.

416
00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:48,966
Hey, Parker, what is that?

417
00:32:49,134 --> 00:32:51,052
Don't bother me now, Swede.
I'm busy.

418
00:32:51,219 --> 00:32:54,180
- Yeah, but what is that?
- It's a major award.

419
00:32:54,765 --> 00:32:57,183
A major award?

420
00:32:57,351 --> 00:33:00,019
Shucks, I wouldn't have knowed that.
It looks like a lamp.

421
00:33:00,228 --> 00:33:01,979
Well, it is a lamp, you nincompoop.

422
00:33:02,147 --> 00:33:05,024
But it's a major award. I won it.

423
00:33:05,192 --> 00:33:07,735
- Damn, hell, you say you won it?
- Yeah.

424
00:33:07,903 --> 00:33:10,655
Yeah, mind power, Swede, mind power.

425
00:33:11,073 --> 00:33:13,324
The entire neighborhood
was turned on.

426
00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:16,410
Oh, you should see what it looks like
from out here.

427
00:33:16,578 --> 00:33:19,246
It could be seen up and down
Cleveland Street.

428
00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:21,582
The symbol of the old man's victory.

429
00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:23,709
Yeah, he won that.
It's a major award.

430
00:33:23,877 --> 00:33:28,089
Isn't it about time
for somebody's favorite radio program?

431
00:33:28,256 --> 00:33:29,507
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

432
00:33:29,675 --> 00:33:31,425
Holy smokes, it was 6:45.

433
00:33:31,593 --> 00:33:33,594
Only one thing
could've dragged me away. . .

434
00:33:33,762 --> 00:33:38,265
. . .from the soft glow of electric sex
gleaming in the window.

435
00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:42,269
Who's the little chatter box

436
00:33:42,437 --> 00:33:45,898
The one with pretty auburn locks?

437
00:33:46,066 --> 00:33:50,111
Whom do you see?
It's Little Orphan Annie

438
00:33:50,278 --> 00:33:52,321
Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie time.

439
00:33:52,489 --> 00:33:55,741
Brought to you by rich,
chocolatey Ovaltine.

440
00:33:55,909 --> 00:33:58,202
I could still taste it.

441
00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:00,705
Hey, you turned the light off.

442
00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:04,166
It's Little Orphan Annie

443
00:34:10,632 --> 00:34:12,425
Come on, you guys, wait up.

444
00:34:17,472 --> 00:34:21,142
I knew I was handing Miss Shields
a masterpiece.

445
00:34:21,309 --> 00:34:22,977
Maybe Miss Shields in her ecstasy. . .

446
00:34:23,145 --> 00:34:27,481
. . .would excuse me from theme writing
for the rest of my natural life.

447
00:34:32,863 --> 00:34:34,321
F!

448
00:34:35,157 --> 00:34:40,327
You call this a paragraph?
Margins, margins, margins.

449
00:34:40,495 --> 00:34:41,996
F!

450
00:34:42,289 --> 00:34:45,291
My life's work down the drain.

451
00:34:45,459 --> 00:34:48,836
A semicolon, you dolt. A period.

452
00:34:49,004 --> 00:34:50,504
Oh, F.

453
00:34:50,672 --> 00:34:56,010
I should weep
if I have to read one more F.

454
00:34:56,261 --> 00:34:58,512
Ralphie Parker.

455
00:35:13,111 --> 00:35:16,363
The theme I've been waiting
for all my life.

456
00:35:16,531 --> 00:35:18,365
Listen to this sentence.

457
00:35:18,533 --> 00:35:23,913
"A Red Ryder BB gun
with a compass in the stock. . .

458
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:28,125
. . .and this thing which tells time."

459
00:35:28,752 --> 00:35:31,879
Poetry. Sheer poetry.

460
00:35:32,047 --> 00:35:35,549
Ralph, an A plus.

461
00:35:35,717 --> 00:35:41,388
My Ralph. Oh, Ralphie,
you've made me well.

462
00:35:41,890 --> 00:35:44,725
A plus.

463
00:36:11,419 --> 00:36:13,003
Ralph.

464
00:36:15,423 --> 00:36:17,007
Ralphie.

465
00:36:18,468 --> 00:36:20,135
Ralph.

466
00:36:22,347 --> 00:36:24,515
Is there something you want, Ralph?

467
00:36:24,683 --> 00:36:26,934
I'm just turning in my theme.

468
00:36:29,187 --> 00:36:31,063
Oh, well, you can take your seat now.

469
00:36:33,942 --> 00:36:35,818
Take your seat.

470
00:36:39,114 --> 00:36:41,574
You're a genius.

471
00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:52,459
Come on, you guys. Wait up.

472
00:36:53,295 --> 00:36:55,462
Okay. Come on. Come on.

473
00:36:59,301 --> 00:37:00,759
Come on.

474
00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:03,971
- Get in the car. Get in the car.
- Yeah.

475
00:37:04,139 --> 00:37:08,017
If we don't hurry,
we're gonna miss all the good trees!

476
00:37:08,184 --> 00:37:09,435
Go on, go on.

477
00:37:09,603 --> 00:37:12,646
My mother was about to make
another brilliant maneuver. . .

478
00:37:12,814 --> 00:37:15,649
. . .in the legendary battle of the lamp.

479
00:37:15,817 --> 00:37:18,027
The epic struggle which follows. . .

480
00:37:18,194 --> 00:37:21,989
. . .lives in the folklore
of Cleveland Street to this very day.

481
00:37:22,157 --> 00:37:24,158
Don't wanna waste electricity.

482
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:26,994
- Don't--
- Don't wanna waste electricity.

483
00:37:27,162 --> 00:37:29,330
Come on, Ralphie. Get in the car.

484
00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:37,630
You folks looking for a tree?
We got 300 trees here.

485
00:37:37,797 --> 00:37:40,841
This is the Christmas tree emporium
of the entire Midwest.

486
00:37:41,009 --> 00:37:44,637
Now you ain't gonna find no better tree
than this here tree.

487
00:37:44,804 --> 00:37:46,722
This here tree is built to last.

488
00:37:46,890 --> 00:37:49,391
Ain't no needles coming off
this here tree.

489
00:37:52,020 --> 00:37:55,981
Okay. Now, here's a tree.
This here is a tree.

490
00:37:56,149 --> 00:38:00,527
- That's a little skimpy in the front there.
- Well, you just put it in the corner.

491
00:38:00,695 --> 00:38:04,740
- Haven't you got a big tree?
- Yeah. Hell, this ain't no tree.

492
00:38:04,908 --> 00:38:08,160
Now here's a tree. This here is a tree.

493
00:38:08,578 --> 00:38:12,206
- Well, did I choose that one, huh?
- Well, don't you think it's a little large?

494
00:38:12,374 --> 00:38:15,542
No. What the hell. Listen, Christmas
only comes once a year. Why not?

495
00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:17,169
- Why not?
- Yeah, well, how much?

496
00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:20,089
I'll knock off $2 because
you're a man who knows his trees.

497
00:38:20,382 --> 00:38:23,884
This isn't one of those trees
that all the needles falls off, is it?

498
00:38:24,052 --> 00:38:25,552
No, that's them balsams.

499
00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:28,347
The old man loved bargaining
as much as an Arab trader. . .

500
00:38:28,515 --> 00:38:30,140
. . .and he was twice as shrewd.

501
00:38:30,308 --> 00:38:34,687
You know, Dew Lock just bought one
of those brand-new, green plastic trees.

502
00:38:35,188 --> 00:38:36,563
Oh, no.

503
00:38:36,731 --> 00:38:40,901
Darn thing looks like it was made
out of green pipe cleaners.

504
00:38:41,569 --> 00:38:44,530
This is a very nice tree.

505
00:38:44,739 --> 00:38:48,117
- I'll throw in a rope and tie it to your car.
- You got a deal.

506
00:38:48,326 --> 00:38:49,618
Deal.

507
00:39:09,472 --> 00:39:10,806
Damn it, blow out.

508
00:39:19,107 --> 00:39:21,358
Not again.

509
00:39:21,985 --> 00:39:25,154
Four minutes. Time me.

510
00:39:26,072 --> 00:39:29,450
Actually, my old man loved it.
He always saw himself in the pits. . .

511
00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:33,245
. . .at the Indianapolis Speedway
in the 500.

512
00:39:33,413 --> 00:39:34,997
Yeah.

513
00:39:37,459 --> 00:39:41,670
My old man's spare tires were actually
only tires in the academic sense.

514
00:39:41,838 --> 00:39:44,381
They were round,
they had once been made of rubber.

515
00:39:44,549 --> 00:39:46,300
Here we go.

516
00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:52,222
Ralphie.
Why don't you go help your father?

517
00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:54,433
- Really? Can I?
- Yes.

518
00:39:54,601 --> 00:39:57,144
-Watch the traffic there.
-Okay.

519
00:39:57,604 --> 00:39:59,938
It was the first time
that it had been suggested. . .

520
00:40:00,106 --> 00:40:03,484
. . .that I go help my father
with anything.

521
00:40:06,488 --> 00:40:09,448
-What are you doing here?
-Mom said I should help.

522
00:40:09,616 --> 00:40:10,824
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

523
00:40:10,992 --> 00:40:12,785
Okay, sit down here. Squat down.

524
00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:15,579
Yeah, that's it. Now we've got it.

525
00:40:15,747 --> 00:40:18,332
- Here you are. Hold this. Here.
- Okay.

526
00:40:21,252 --> 00:40:24,338
No, not that way. Go on.
Come on, rat-trap, hold it like this. See?

527
00:40:24,506 --> 00:40:26,799
- How?
- Like this. I want to put the nuts in it.

528
00:40:26,966 --> 00:40:29,468
- Okay.
- See, there we are. There's four of them.

529
00:40:29,761 --> 00:40:31,845
And we got it!

530
00:40:33,348 --> 00:40:35,808
There it is. Oh, that son of a gun.

531
00:40:35,975 --> 00:40:38,393
I'm gonna get that dirty. . . .

532
00:40:38,686 --> 00:40:40,354
There we go. And--

533
00:40:40,522 --> 00:40:42,523
For one brief moment,
I saw all the bolts. . .

534
00:40:42,690 --> 00:40:46,485
. . .silhouetted against the lights
of the traffic, and then they were gone.

535
00:40:47,028 --> 00:40:52,950
Oh, fudge.

536
00:40:53,118 --> 00:40:57,037
Only I didn't say fudge.
I said the word.

537
00:40:57,205 --> 00:41:00,666
The big one.
The queen mother of dirty words.

538
00:41:00,834 --> 00:41:03,127
The F-dash-dash-dash word.

539
00:41:03,294 --> 00:41:04,711
What did you say?

540
00:41:08,174 --> 00:41:11,468
That's what I thought you said.

541
00:41:13,221 --> 00:41:14,972
Get in the car.

542
00:41:18,059 --> 00:41:19,893
- Go on.
- It was all over.

543
00:41:20,061 --> 00:41:24,231
I was dead. What would it be?
The guillotine? Hanging?

544
00:41:24,399 --> 00:41:27,776
The chair? The rack?
The Chinese water torture?

545
00:41:27,944 --> 00:41:31,655
Mere child's play compared
to what surely awaited me.

546
00:41:34,617 --> 00:41:36,910
Everything go all right?

547
00:41:51,509 --> 00:41:53,760
Eight minutes.

548
00:41:55,597 --> 00:41:59,391
- You know what your son just said?
- No. What?

549
00:41:59,601 --> 00:42:02,144
I'll tell you what he said. Randy!

550
00:42:05,607 --> 00:42:07,482
Ralphie!

551
00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:11,278
Over the years,
I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap.

552
00:42:11,446 --> 00:42:13,238
My personal preference is for Lux. . .

553
00:42:13,406 --> 00:42:17,826
. . .but I found Palmolive had a nice,
piquant, after-dinner flavor.

554
00:42:17,994 --> 00:42:21,914
Heady, but with just a touch
of mellow smoothness.

555
00:42:24,959 --> 00:42:26,627
Lifebuoy, on the other hand. . . .

556
00:42:29,214 --> 00:42:30,464
You ready to tell me?

557
00:42:35,929 --> 00:42:38,805
All right.
Where did you hear that word?

558
00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:42,559
Now, I had heard that word at least
10 times a day from my old man.

559
00:42:42,727 --> 00:42:47,481
My father worked in profanity the way
other artists might work in oils or clay.

560
00:42:47,649 --> 00:42:50,442
It was his true medium. A master.

561
00:42:50,610 --> 00:42:51,860
But I chickened out.

562
00:42:52,028 --> 00:42:54,529
And I blurted out the first name
that came to mind.

563
00:42:54,697 --> 00:42:55,989
Schwartz.

564
00:42:57,825 --> 00:42:59,910
I see.

565
00:43:11,297 --> 00:43:14,299
Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine.

566
00:43:14,467 --> 00:43:18,470
Mrs. Schwartz, do you know
what Ralph just said?

567
00:43:19,722 --> 00:43:22,724
No. He said:

568
00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:26,019
No, not that!

569
00:43:26,187 --> 00:43:28,855
Yes, that.
Do you know where he heard it?

570
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:30,440
Probably from his father.

571
00:43:30,608 --> 00:43:34,528
- No. He heard it from your son.
- What?! What?!

572
00:43:34,696 --> 00:43:37,197
What?!

573
00:43:42,203 --> 00:43:45,789
What did I do, Mom?
Why, I didn't do nothing.

574
00:43:51,379 --> 00:43:55,507
Another shot of mysterious,
inexorable, official justice.

575
00:43:55,675 --> 00:43:57,718
Rinse out and go to bed.

576
00:43:57,885 --> 00:44:00,429
Am I glad you finished your homework
this afternoon.

577
00:44:00,596 --> 00:44:03,390
I want you getting into bed.
I don't wanna see any lights on.

578
00:44:03,558 --> 00:44:06,393
You are being punished,
so no comic book reading.

579
00:44:06,561 --> 00:44:08,562
I'm gonna come in.
If there are lights on--

580
00:44:08,730 --> 00:44:12,274
Don't you give me that look.
You're gonna get it.

581
00:44:15,486 --> 00:44:16,945
Kids.

582
00:44:33,254 --> 00:44:37,174
Three blocks away,
Schwartz was getting his.

583
00:44:37,717 --> 00:44:40,218
There has never been a kid
who didn't believe. . .

584
00:44:40,386 --> 00:44:42,387
. . .vaguely but insistently. . .

585
00:44:42,555 --> 00:44:45,640
. . .that he would be stricken blind
before he reached 21.

586
00:44:45,808 --> 00:44:47,642
And then, they'd be sorry.

587
00:44:58,780 --> 00:45:00,697
Why, it's Ralph.

588
00:45:00,865 --> 00:45:04,493
Well, come on in, Ralph.
Where you been?

589
00:45:08,498 --> 00:45:10,832
Why, he's carrying a cane.

590
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:12,876
Yeah. What is it, Ralph?
What happened?

591
00:45:13,044 --> 00:45:17,381
- Why, he's blind!
- Blind?! Oh, my God.

592
00:45:17,548 --> 00:45:19,508
Ralph.

593
00:45:19,675 --> 00:45:25,138
- Ralph, is it something we did?
- What brought you to this lowly state?

594
00:45:25,306 --> 00:45:27,641
Ralph, please tell us,
no matter how it hurts.

595
00:45:27,809 --> 00:45:30,560
- What did we do?
- No, I can't.

596
00:45:30,728 --> 00:45:33,230
Oh, please, Ralph.
I must know what we did.

597
00:45:33,398 --> 00:45:35,482
- What brought you to this?
- Please.

598
00:45:35,650 --> 00:45:37,359
Please.

599
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:39,569
Please?

600
00:45:39,862 --> 00:45:43,281
- It was--
- Yes?

601
00:45:43,908 --> 00:45:48,120
- Yes?
- Soap poisoning.

602
00:45:53,835 --> 00:45:56,336
Terrible. How could we do it?

603
00:45:56,504 --> 00:46:00,632
Well, I'll manage
to get along somehow.

604
00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:02,426
I'll never forgive myself.

605
00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:06,054
- Thanks, Mom.
- I told you not to use Lifebuoy.

606
00:46:06,597 --> 00:46:09,474
Oh, I feel awful.

607
00:46:13,479 --> 00:46:16,356
Oh, God.

608
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:35,208
Thank you, Heather.

609
00:46:35,376 --> 00:46:37,502
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

610
00:46:37,670 --> 00:46:39,713
- Thank you, Flick.
- Thank you.

611
00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:44,009
- Thank you.
- Merry Christmas, Miss Shields.

612
00:46:44,177 --> 00:46:45,969
Merry Christmas.

613
00:47:04,864 --> 00:47:08,575
Well, I just thought that you'd be
getting tired of the same old stuff.

614
00:47:08,743 --> 00:47:12,412
Yes, truly, a little bribe never hurts.

615
00:47:12,580 --> 00:47:15,749
Well, thank you very much, Ralph.

616
00:47:20,171 --> 00:47:22,005
Merry Christmas.

617
00:47:24,634 --> 00:47:26,092
Happy New Year.

618
00:47:28,721 --> 00:47:30,680
You can take your seat now, Ralph.

619
00:47:54,205 --> 00:47:58,708
The weeks of drinking gallons of Ovaltine
in order to get the Ovaltine inner seal. . .

620
00:47:58,876 --> 00:48:02,629
. . . to send off for my Little Orphan Annie
secret decoder pin. . .

621
00:48:02,797 --> 00:48:05,173
. . .was about to pay off.

622
00:48:05,341 --> 00:48:06,591
I got it.

623
00:48:06,759 --> 00:48:10,303
"Master Ralph Parker."
My decoder pin.

624
00:48:14,183 --> 00:48:16,268
All right.

625
00:48:20,856 --> 00:48:23,191
"Be it known to all and sundry
that Ralph Parker. . .

626
00:48:23,359 --> 00:48:26,820
. . . is hereby appointed a member
of the Little Orphan Annie secret circle. . .

627
00:48:26,988 --> 00:48:30,198
. . .and is entitled to all the honors
and benefits occurring thereto."

628
00:48:30,366 --> 00:48:32,409
Signed, Little Orphan Annie.

629
00:48:32,577 --> 00:48:35,078
Countersigned, Pierre Andre.

630
00:48:35,246 --> 00:48:36,496
In ink.

631
00:48:36,664 --> 00:48:39,666
Honors and benefits.
Already at the age of 9.

632
00:48:42,378 --> 00:48:46,089
- But first, let's throw her overboard!
- Hold fast, then overboard!

633
00:48:46,257 --> 00:48:47,716
Come on, let's get on with it.

634
00:48:47,883 --> 00:48:50,677
I don't need all that jazz
about smugglers and pirates.

635
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:54,014
Listen tomorrow night
for the concluding adventure. . .

636
00:48:54,181 --> 00:48:56,057
. . . of The Black Pirate Ship.

637
00:48:56,225 --> 00:48:58,893
Now it's time
for Annie's secret message. . .

638
00:48:59,061 --> 00:49:02,022
. . .for you
members of the secret circle.

639
00:49:02,189 --> 00:49:03,398
Remember kids. . .

640
00:49:03,566 --> 00:49:08,320
. . .only members of Annie's secret circle
can decode Annie's secret message.

641
00:49:08,487 --> 00:49:12,407
Remember,
Annie is depending on you.

642
00:49:12,575 --> 00:49:15,076
Set your pins to B-2.

643
00:49:15,244 --> 00:49:16,703
Here is the message:

644
00:49:17,538 --> 00:49:19,873
Twelve. Eleven. Two.

645
00:49:20,041 --> 00:49:22,375
I am in my first secret meeting.

646
00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:25,712
Fourteen. Eleven. Eighteen. Sixteen.

647
00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:27,756
Pierre was in great voice tonight.

648
00:49:27,923 --> 00:49:31,134
I could tell that tonight's message
was really important.

649
00:49:31,302 --> 00:49:33,219
Three. Twenty-five.

650
00:49:33,387 --> 00:49:36,806
That's a message from Annie herself.
Remember, don't tell anyone.

651
00:49:41,228 --> 00:49:43,980
Ninety seconds later,
I'm in the only room in the house. . .

652
00:49:44,148 --> 00:49:48,860
. . .where a boy of 9 could sit in privacy
and decode.

653
00:49:49,403 --> 00:49:51,404
Ah, B.

654
00:49:52,114 --> 00:49:54,491
I went to the next. E.

655
00:49:54,659 --> 00:49:56,409
The first word is "be."

656
00:49:56,786 --> 00:49:59,245
S. It was coming easier now.

657
00:49:59,413 --> 00:50:00,622
U.

658
00:50:01,207 --> 00:50:04,584
- Come on, Ralphie. I gotta go.
- Ralph?

659
00:50:04,919 --> 00:50:08,296
I'll be right down, Ma. Gee, whiz.

660
00:50:10,758 --> 00:50:12,509
T.

661
00:50:12,677 --> 00:50:13,718
O.

662
00:50:13,886 --> 00:50:16,221
"Be sure to." Be sure to what?

663
00:50:16,389 --> 00:50:19,182
What was Little Orphan Annie
trying to say? Be sure to what?

664
00:50:19,350 --> 00:50:21,935
Ralphie! Randy has got to go.
Will you please come out?

665
00:50:22,103 --> 00:50:25,438
All right, Ma. I'll be right out.

666
00:50:25,606 --> 00:50:27,107
I was getting closer now.

667
00:50:27,274 --> 00:50:30,193
The tension was terrible.
What was it?

668
00:50:30,361 --> 00:50:32,696
The fate of the planet may hang
in the balance.

669
00:50:32,863 --> 00:50:35,615
Ralphie, Randy's gotta go!

670
00:50:35,783 --> 00:50:38,618
I'll be right out, for crying out loud!

671
00:50:38,786 --> 00:50:40,328
Gee, almost there.

672
00:50:40,496 --> 00:50:43,540
My fingers flew.
My mind was a steel trap.

673
00:50:43,708 --> 00:50:47,168
Every pore vibrated.
It was almost clear.

674
00:50:47,336 --> 00:50:49,421
Yes, yes, yes!

675
00:50:49,839 --> 00:50:54,801
"Be sure to drink your Ovaltine."

676
00:50:55,469 --> 00:50:57,512
Ovaltine?

677
00:51:00,266 --> 00:51:03,017
A crummy commercial?

678
00:51:04,687 --> 00:51:07,230
Son of a bitch.

679
00:51:08,399 --> 00:51:10,817
I went out to face the world again.

680
00:51:10,985 --> 00:51:12,902
Wiser.

681
00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:28,168
- Red cabbage?
- That's for tomorrow night.

682
00:51:28,335 --> 00:51:31,171
You love red cabbage, Ralphie.

683
00:51:31,881 --> 00:51:35,175
You filthy system. . .!

684
00:51:36,510 --> 00:51:39,429
Smelly watt-buster. . . .

685
00:51:47,146 --> 00:51:51,316
What happened next
was a family controversy for years.

686
00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:09,709
What was that? what happened?

687
00:52:13,714 --> 00:52:15,298
What happened?

688
00:52:16,008 --> 00:52:17,467
What broke?

689
00:52:17,635 --> 00:52:19,594
I don't know what happened.

690
00:52:19,762 --> 00:52:24,808
I was watering my plant
and I broke your lamp.

691
00:52:40,074 --> 00:52:42,450
Don't you touch that.

692
00:52:42,743 --> 00:52:44,494
You were always jealous of this lamp.

693
00:52:45,579 --> 00:52:48,331
- Jealous of a plastic leg?
- Jealous!

694
00:52:48,499 --> 00:52:50,875
Jealous because I won.

695
00:52:52,461 --> 00:52:56,548
That's ridiculous. Jealous.
Jealous of what?

696
00:52:56,715 --> 00:53:00,385
That is the ugliest lamp
I have ever seen. . .

697
00:53:00,553 --> 00:53:02,011
. . . in my entire life!

698
00:53:02,179 --> 00:53:04,138
Now it was out.

699
00:53:04,306 --> 00:53:06,099
Get the glue.

700
00:53:06,267 --> 00:53:09,102
We're out of glue.

701
00:53:10,646 --> 00:53:16,526
You used up all the glue on purpose!

702
00:53:17,069 --> 00:53:19,070
The old man stood quivering
with fury. . .

703
00:53:19,238 --> 00:53:22,198
. . .stammering, as he tried to come up
with a real crusher.

704
00:53:22,366 --> 00:53:23,616
All he got out was:

705
00:53:23,784 --> 00:53:25,660
Not a finger!

706
00:54:05,576 --> 00:54:07,869
With as much dignity
as he could muster. . .

707
00:54:08,037 --> 00:54:10,413
. . .the old man gathered up
the sad remains. . .

708
00:54:10,581 --> 00:54:13,499
. . .of his shattered major award.

709
00:54:14,001 --> 00:54:19,589
Later that night, alone in the backyard,
he buried it next to the garage.

710
00:54:19,757 --> 00:54:21,674
Now, I could never be sure. . .

711
00:54:21,842 --> 00:54:25,637
. . .but I thought that I heard
the sound of "Taps" being played.

712
00:54:25,804 --> 00:54:27,138
Gently.

713
00:54:27,514 --> 00:54:29,265
Know what I'm getting my man
for Christmas?

714
00:54:29,433 --> 00:54:30,975
-No. What?
-A rose that squirts.

715
00:54:31,143 --> 00:54:33,186
People come to smell it,
it squirts them.

716
00:54:33,354 --> 00:54:34,938
I'm getting my old man a Flit gun.

717
00:54:35,105 --> 00:54:37,357
- A Flit gun?
- Yeah.

718
00:54:40,110 --> 00:54:41,402
Stop right there.

719
00:54:41,570 --> 00:54:45,823
- If Dill said hi to you, you felt great.
- Who, me?

720
00:54:45,991 --> 00:54:47,784
- Warm inside.
- Yeah, you. Get over here.

721
00:54:47,952 --> 00:54:50,870
- But mostly, he just hit you in the mouth.
- I can't now, Grover.

722
00:54:51,038 --> 00:54:52,789
- I've gotta see Miss Shields.
- Yeah.

723
00:54:52,957 --> 00:54:55,792
- Hey, come here! Get over here.
- Come back here. Come on, you!

724
00:54:55,960 --> 00:54:57,710
- Yeah, come on!
- Hey, come here!

725
00:54:57,878 --> 00:54:59,087
You.

726
00:54:59,380 --> 00:55:01,673
- Come here.
- Who, me?

727
00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:04,968
No, your Aunt Tilly.
Yeah, you. Get over here.

728
00:55:05,135 --> 00:55:08,388
I left Flick to certain annihilation.

729
00:55:08,806 --> 00:55:11,432
But BB gun mania knows no loyalties.

730
00:55:11,600 --> 00:55:13,559
Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle.

731
00:55:13,727 --> 00:55:16,020
Uncle! Uncle!

732
00:55:18,774 --> 00:55:20,066
All right, class. . .

733
00:55:20,234 --> 00:55:23,569
. . . I have your Christmas themes
for you.

734
00:55:23,862 --> 00:55:25,697
I'm pleased.

735
00:55:25,864 --> 00:55:29,158
In general, you did very well.

736
00:55:31,078 --> 00:55:36,249
However, I was disappointed
in the margins.

737
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:39,252
This is it.

738
00:55:40,379 --> 00:55:42,797
C plus? Oh, no, it can't be.

739
00:55:42,965 --> 00:55:46,634
C plus?

740
00:55:47,177 --> 00:55:49,429
C plus!

741
00:55:54,309 --> 00:55:56,227
Oh, no!

742
00:55:56,812 --> 00:55:59,063
"You'll shoot your eye out"?

743
00:55:59,648 --> 00:56:00,898
Oh, no.

744
00:56:01,066 --> 00:56:03,026
My mother must have gotten
to Miss Shields.

745
00:56:03,193 --> 00:56:04,861
There could be no other explanation.

746
00:56:05,029 --> 00:56:09,449
You'll shoot your eye out
You'll shoot your eye out

747
00:56:11,452 --> 00:56:15,121
Was there no end to this conspiracy
of irrational prejudice. . .

748
00:56:15,289 --> 00:56:17,707
. . .against Red Ryder
and his peacemaker?

749
00:56:17,875 --> 00:56:20,460
These multiplication questions
were most missed. . .

750
00:56:20,627 --> 00:56:21,878
. . . in our last math test.

751
00:56:22,046 --> 00:56:23,838
Would you answer in unison, please?

752
00:56:24,006 --> 00:56:25,715
I was surrounded by happier kids. . .

753
00:56:25,883 --> 00:56:28,801
. . .who were all going to get
what they wanted for Christmas.

754
00:56:28,969 --> 00:56:30,720
Fifty-six.

755
00:57:01,001 --> 00:57:02,460
Hey, four-eyes.

756
00:57:02,628 --> 00:57:04,837
How'd you like
your snowball sandwich?

757
00:57:05,672 --> 00:57:08,508
Maybe you'd like another one.

758
00:57:13,180 --> 00:57:14,388
Listen, jerk.

759
00:57:14,556 --> 00:57:18,309
When I tell you to come,
you better come.

760
00:57:18,852 --> 00:57:21,354
What, are you gonna cry now?

761
00:57:21,522 --> 00:57:24,440
Come on, crybaby, cry for me.

762
00:57:24,608 --> 00:57:26,859
Come on. Cry.

763
00:57:27,402 --> 00:57:29,153
Deep in the recesses of my brain. . .

764
00:57:29,321 --> 00:57:33,032
. . .a tiny, red-hot little flame
began to grow.

765
00:57:45,420 --> 00:57:47,547
- Hey!
- Something had happened.

766
00:57:47,756 --> 00:57:51,843
A fuse blew
and I had gone out of my skull.

767
00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:56,013
Hey. Hey!

768
00:57:56,181 --> 00:57:57,723
Hey, kid!

769
00:58:00,811 --> 00:58:03,062
I'm telling my dad.

770
00:58:04,648 --> 00:58:08,151
Hey, Ralphie! All right, Ralphie.

771
00:58:13,407 --> 00:58:16,450
Beat him up! Beat him up!

772
00:58:17,077 --> 00:58:20,246
- Come on, hit him!
- Hit him!

773
00:58:21,373 --> 00:58:23,124
- Hang him!
- Hit him! Kill him!

774
00:58:24,084 --> 00:58:29,130
You no-good damn knuckle!
Fanged dongs stinking bitch!

775
00:58:29,298 --> 00:58:31,048
- Come on.
- Enough with you, dork head.

776
00:58:31,216 --> 00:58:34,260
Did you hear what he said?

777
00:58:34,428 --> 00:58:36,846
Holy smokes!

778
00:58:37,598 --> 00:58:40,766
I have since heard of people
under extreme duress. . .

779
00:58:40,934 --> 00:58:43,269
. . .speaking in strange tongues.

780
00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:46,814
I became conscious
that a steady torrent of obscenities. . .

781
00:58:46,982 --> 00:58:51,861
. . .and swearing of all kinds
was pouring out of me as I screamed.

782
00:58:53,906 --> 00:58:56,991
Ralph, your mother.

783
00:59:00,329 --> 00:59:02,622
Ralphie! Ralphie! Ralphie!

784
00:59:02,789 --> 00:59:11,964
Ralphie!

785
00:59:12,257 --> 00:59:13,925
Ralphie?

786
00:59:17,554 --> 00:59:21,515
Come on. We're going home.
Come on.

787
00:59:35,614 --> 00:59:38,491
Let's go, man. Come on.
Let's go.

788
00:59:39,826 --> 00:59:42,995
Calm down. Come on in here, Ralph.

789
00:59:43,163 --> 00:59:44,914
Get in there.

790
00:59:45,999 --> 00:59:49,377
Okay. Put your head down in there.

791
00:59:49,544 --> 00:59:51,587
Come on. Get down in here.

792
00:59:52,589 --> 00:59:54,423
Settle down.

793
00:59:54,591 --> 00:59:57,510
Honey, I want you to go in there. . .

794
00:59:57,678 --> 01:00:01,013
. . .and lie down in your room
for a while.

795
01:00:01,306 --> 01:00:04,016
Ralphie, just settle down.

796
01:00:05,686 --> 01:00:08,354
Come on. Here, dry off.

797
01:00:08,522 --> 01:00:10,648
Calm down.

798
01:00:11,233 --> 01:00:13,693
All right. Now go lie down.

799
01:00:33,463 --> 01:00:35,965
The light was getting purple
and soft outside.

800
01:00:36,133 --> 01:00:40,011
Almost time for my father
to come home from work.

801
01:00:54,192 --> 01:00:55,943
Randy.

802
01:00:56,737 --> 01:00:58,404
Hi.

803
01:00:59,072 --> 01:01:01,866
What's the matter?
What are you crying for?

804
01:01:02,034 --> 01:01:04,827
Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie.

805
01:01:04,995 --> 01:01:06,412
No, he's not.

806
01:01:06,580 --> 01:01:09,540
- Yes, he is too.
- No, he's not.

807
01:01:09,708 --> 01:01:14,587
I promise you,
Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie.

808
01:01:14,755 --> 01:01:17,048
Why don't you come on out of there?

809
01:01:17,424 --> 01:01:18,924
Huh?

810
01:01:19,843 --> 01:01:21,802
Would you like some milk?

811
01:01:23,013 --> 01:01:24,597
You would?

812
01:01:31,271 --> 01:01:32,772
Here you go.

813
01:01:33,899 --> 01:01:35,274
All right?

814
01:01:35,442 --> 01:01:36,776
I'll see you later?

815
01:01:36,943 --> 01:01:39,195
Okay. Bye-bye.

816
01:01:50,624 --> 01:01:54,377
I heard the car roar up the driveway,
and a wave of terror broke over me.

817
01:01:54,544 --> 01:01:57,630
He'll know what I said,
the awful things that I've said.

818
01:01:57,798 --> 01:02:00,132
Get out of here. Go on.
Get out of here!

819
01:02:00,300 --> 01:02:03,677
Go on home, you mangy mutts.
Get out of here, you rotten, filthy--!

820
01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:07,765
Hey, Bumpus. Get over here
and get your stinking dogs!

821
01:02:08,225 --> 01:02:11,310
Hey, come on, what's for dinner?
I'm starving to death.

822
01:02:31,164 --> 01:02:34,125
Well, what happened today?

823
01:02:34,459 --> 01:02:36,293
Where's your glasses?

824
01:02:37,295 --> 01:02:39,130
Did you lose your glasses again?

825
01:02:39,297 --> 01:02:43,592
Ralphie, remember you left these
on the radio again.

826
01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:47,471
Now, try not to do that anymore.

827
01:02:47,722 --> 01:02:49,598
So, what else happened today?

828
01:02:49,766 --> 01:02:52,351
Oh, nothing much.

829
01:02:52,519 --> 01:02:54,353
Ralphie had a fight.

830
01:02:54,521 --> 01:02:57,523
A fight? What kind of a fight?

831
01:02:58,316 --> 01:03:01,527
Oh, you know how boys are.

832
01:03:01,695 --> 01:03:05,531
I gave him a talking to.

833
01:03:06,283 --> 01:03:10,202
I see that the Bears
are playing Green Bay on Sunday.

834
01:03:11,413 --> 01:03:14,623
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Zudock's got tickets. I wish I had.

835
01:03:14,791 --> 01:03:17,877
Oh, well, he'll freeze his keister off
out there.

836
01:03:19,796 --> 01:03:23,507
I slowly began to realize
I was not about to be destroyed.

837
01:03:23,675 --> 01:03:25,718
The Chicago Bears.

838
01:03:25,886 --> 01:03:28,179
The terror of the midway.
What a laugh. . . .

839
01:03:28,346 --> 01:03:32,600
From then on, things were different
between me and my mother.

840
01:03:33,018 --> 01:03:36,979
Well, more like
the Chicago Chipmunks, maybe.

841
01:03:37,147 --> 01:03:39,023
But Bears, never.

842
01:03:40,233 --> 01:03:41,484
Strange.

843
01:03:41,651 --> 01:03:45,404
Even something as monumental
as the Scut Farkus affair. . .

844
01:03:45,572 --> 01:03:48,324
. . .as it came to be known,
was pushed out of my mind. . .

845
01:03:48,492 --> 01:03:52,578
. . .as I struggled for a way out
of the impenetrable BB gun web. . .

846
01:03:52,746 --> 01:03:54,914
. . .in which my mother had me
trapped.

847
01:03:55,081 --> 01:03:56,832
Santa!

848
01:03:57,000 --> 01:03:59,251
Yeah, I'll ask Santa.

849
01:03:59,419 --> 01:04:01,253
Of course. Santa.

850
01:04:01,421 --> 01:04:03,547
The big man. The head honcho.

851
01:04:03,715 --> 01:04:05,090
The connection.

852
01:04:05,258 --> 01:04:08,135
My mother had slipped up this time.

853
01:04:29,741 --> 01:04:32,701
- Mickey! Mickey!
- Yeah!

854
01:04:48,552 --> 01:04:51,303
Mom, the store's gonna close soon
and Santa's gonna be gone.

855
01:04:51,471 --> 01:04:55,474
Ralphie, Santa's not going anyplace.
Just be still.

856
01:05:04,818 --> 01:05:07,444
Mom, this is just the same
old dumb parade as last year.

857
01:05:07,612 --> 01:05:09,905
Ralphie, will you please calm down?

858
01:05:10,073 --> 01:05:11,323
- Mom!
- Hush!

859
01:05:11,491 --> 01:05:13,492
Shut up, Ralphie.

860
01:05:22,210 --> 01:05:24,169
- There he is.
- Santa, Santa!

861
01:05:24,337 --> 01:05:25,921
Yeah.

862
01:05:26,214 --> 01:05:29,842
Hey, Merry Christmas!

863
01:05:31,344 --> 01:05:32,553
Santa.

864
01:05:32,721 --> 01:05:35,139
Have you been a good boy? Have you?

865
01:05:35,307 --> 01:05:36,515
Can we go now? Can we go?

866
01:05:36,683 --> 01:05:38,309
- Yes.
- Yes, we can go now.

867
01:05:38,476 --> 01:05:40,019
Come on, Ralphie.

868
01:05:52,282 --> 01:05:56,744
Merry Christmas.

869
01:05:56,911 --> 01:05:59,538
Come on, Randy, hurry up.

870
01:06:12,385 --> 01:06:14,428
Ralphie, look over there.

871
01:06:14,596 --> 01:06:16,889
- See, the line's not so long.
- Yeah.

872
01:06:17,057 --> 01:06:19,642
Go get in it. Take Randy's hand
and hold on to him.

873
01:06:19,809 --> 01:06:22,895
- We will see you later, okay?
- Yeah, stay together, don't get lost.

874
01:06:23,063 --> 01:06:24,271
Okay.

875
01:06:27,484 --> 01:06:30,194
Come on. Let's go.

876
01:06:33,114 --> 01:06:34,740
Young man.

877
01:06:34,908 --> 01:06:37,910
Hey, kid.
Just where do you think you're going?

878
01:06:38,244 --> 01:06:39,912
Going up to see Santa.

879
01:06:40,705 --> 01:06:42,247
The line ends here.

880
01:06:42,415 --> 01:06:43,791
It begins there.

881
01:06:43,958 --> 01:06:45,876
Merry Christmas!

882
01:06:46,044 --> 01:06:47,628
Come on, come up, boys and girls.

883
01:06:47,796 --> 01:06:49,588
Hurry up.

884
01:06:50,590 --> 01:06:52,007
Let's go.

885
01:06:52,175 --> 01:06:54,176
Oh, no.

886
01:06:54,844 --> 01:06:56,220
Come on.

887
01:07:00,225 --> 01:07:03,018
The line waiting to see Santa Claus
stretched all the way. . .

888
01:07:03,186 --> 01:07:04,937
. . .back to Terre Haute.

889
01:07:05,772 --> 01:07:08,524
And I was at the end of it.

890
01:07:08,692 --> 01:07:12,361
- Merry Christmas.
- I like Santa.

891
01:07:12,654 --> 01:07:14,446
Yeah.

892
01:07:14,614 --> 01:07:16,323
Come on. Welcome. Come on.

893
01:07:16,491 --> 01:07:18,742
Let's face it.
Most of us were scoffers.

894
01:07:18,910 --> 01:07:23,122
But moments before zero hour,
it did not pay to take chances.

895
01:07:24,791 --> 01:07:29,169
The chocolate snowman
eats little boys.

896
01:07:29,337 --> 01:07:32,172
I'll get you my pretty.

897
01:07:32,340 --> 01:07:35,509
What a tasty little boy.

898
01:07:35,677 --> 01:07:37,094
Don't bother me.

899
01:07:37,262 --> 01:07:39,638
I'm thinking.

900
01:07:42,976 --> 01:07:46,103
I like The Wizard of Oz.

901
01:07:46,271 --> 01:07:47,938
Yeah.

902
01:07:48,481 --> 01:07:51,191
I like the Tin Man.

903
01:07:54,446 --> 01:07:59,116
If Higbee thinks I'm working
one minute past 9, he can kiss my foot.

904
01:08:00,326 --> 01:08:02,494
Come on, up on Santa's lap.

905
01:08:02,662 --> 01:08:04,496
There's a wet one.

906
01:08:04,664 --> 01:08:06,498
And what's your name, little boy?

907
01:08:07,125 --> 01:08:10,294
- Have you been a good boy?
- Come on, Randy.

908
01:08:10,920 --> 01:08:12,921
And what do you want
for Christmas, Billy?

909
01:08:13,089 --> 01:08:15,591
A toy truck? Get him off my lap.

910
01:08:15,759 --> 01:08:17,384
Quick, get me a towel.

911
01:08:17,552 --> 01:08:19,636
Bye, Billy.

912
01:08:25,477 --> 01:08:27,686
Oh, I hate the smell of tapioca.

913
01:08:29,355 --> 01:08:33,192
Attention, shoppers.
It is now 9 p.m. and our store is closed.

914
01:08:33,359 --> 01:08:35,027
Nine o'clock? Great Scott!

915
01:08:35,195 --> 01:08:37,154
The store's gonna close.

916
01:08:37,322 --> 01:08:40,324
Santa can't wait all night. Let's go.

917
01:08:40,492 --> 01:08:43,494
Come on up on Santa's lap.

918
01:08:51,920 --> 01:08:54,379
Get moving, kid.

919
01:08:54,923 --> 01:08:57,424
Quit dragging your feet.

920
01:08:57,634 --> 01:08:59,301
Come up.

921
01:09:09,729 --> 01:09:11,396
Get him out of here.

922
01:09:21,866 --> 01:09:23,700
Come on, kid.

923
01:09:26,621 --> 01:09:28,080
Come on.

924
01:09:29,666 --> 01:09:31,208
Come on up. Come on up there.

925
01:09:42,595 --> 01:09:46,390
And what's your name, little boy?

926
01:09:46,558 --> 01:09:50,602
Hey, kid, hurry up, the store's closing.

927
01:09:50,770 --> 01:09:52,020
Come on!

928
01:09:52,814 --> 01:09:56,859
Listen, little boy, we got a lot of people
waiting here, so get going.

929
01:09:57,026 --> 01:09:59,444
Come on. Yeah. Come on.

930
01:09:59,612 --> 01:10:02,739
What do you want for Christmas,
little boy?

931
01:10:02,907 --> 01:10:04,950
My mind had gone blank.

932
01:10:05,118 --> 01:10:07,661
Frantically, I tried to remember
what it was I wanted.

933
01:10:07,829 --> 01:10:09,663
I was blowing it, blowing it.

934
01:10:09,831 --> 01:10:11,582
Come on, kid.

935
01:10:12,000 --> 01:10:15,127
How about a nice football?

936
01:10:15,295 --> 01:10:18,755
Football. Football. What's a football?

937
01:10:18,923 --> 01:10:21,008
Without conscious will,
my voice squeaked out:

938
01:10:21,175 --> 01:10:22,634
- Yeah.
- Football.

939
01:10:22,802 --> 01:10:24,428
Okay, get him out of here.

940
01:10:25,138 --> 01:10:28,307
A football. Oh, no.
What was I doing?

941
01:10:28,474 --> 01:10:32,477
- Wake up, stupid, wake up. No!
- No!

942
01:10:38,860 --> 01:10:40,235
No, no! I want an official. . .

943
01:10:40,403 --> 01:10:43,822
. . . Red Ryder carbine action
200-shot range model air rifle.

944
01:10:45,116 --> 01:10:46,992
You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

945
01:10:48,494 --> 01:10:50,329
Merry Christmas.

946
01:10:53,416 --> 01:10:58,587
No!

947
01:11:02,008 --> 01:11:05,302
And we're here to see the Wizard
The wondefrul wizard of Oz--

948
01:11:06,179 --> 01:11:09,014
I'll see you in Oz, folks.

949
01:11:12,810 --> 01:11:15,145
Well, did you. . . ?

950
01:11:15,313 --> 01:11:16,563
Up.

951
01:11:16,731 --> 01:11:18,774
- Did you see Santa Claus?
- Yeah.

952
01:11:18,942 --> 01:11:21,068
Did you tell him
what you wanted for Christmas?

953
01:11:21,277 --> 01:11:25,489
- Yeah.
- Did he ask you if you'd been a good boy?

954
01:11:25,657 --> 01:11:27,032
No.

955
01:11:27,200 --> 01:11:29,826
Don't worry, he knows.

956
01:11:29,994 --> 01:11:31,912
He always knows.

957
01:11:32,080 --> 01:11:36,959
Merry Christmas.

958
01:11:38,044 --> 01:11:42,047
Okay, down you go. Bye-bye, Chris.

959
01:11:42,215 --> 01:11:45,717
Merry Christmas.

960
01:11:52,058 --> 01:11:54,351
That's fine.

961
01:11:55,061 --> 01:11:57,562
Now, wait a minute.
All right. Plug her in.

962
01:11:57,730 --> 01:11:59,398
It is, it is.

963
01:11:59,565 --> 01:12:01,149
Well, the green string is out.

964
01:12:01,317 --> 01:12:03,694
No, the green is on.
It's the blue that's out.

965
01:12:03,861 --> 01:12:07,531
Oh, don't tell me what color it is.
I'm not color blind.

966
01:12:08,074 --> 01:12:09,825
I'm not color blind either.

967
01:12:09,993 --> 01:12:11,660
There.

968
01:12:12,161 --> 01:12:15,038
There, see, I told you it was green.

969
01:12:17,125 --> 01:12:20,585
Hold it! Don't anybody move!

970
01:12:20,753 --> 01:12:22,587
Hold it right there!

971
01:12:22,755 --> 01:12:24,965
A fuse is out.

972
01:12:25,133 --> 01:12:28,760
The old man could replace fuses
quicker than a jack rabbit on a date.

973
01:12:28,928 --> 01:12:31,304
He bought them by the gross.

974
01:12:36,477 --> 01:12:38,270
Oh, well.

975
01:12:38,438 --> 01:12:40,397
My, isn't that pretty?

976
01:12:40,565 --> 01:12:43,108
Hot son of a gun.

977
01:12:44,694 --> 01:12:47,279
No, that star is crooked.

978
01:12:47,447 --> 01:12:49,614
That star is perfectly straight.

979
01:12:49,782 --> 01:12:52,200
- Careful!
- That'll do it. It's all right. That's it.

980
01:12:52,368 --> 01:12:55,245
- Oh, be careful.
- I am, I am. It's--

981
01:12:55,413 --> 01:12:58,331
Come on, let's set up the other thing.
Just let me get it fixed.

982
01:12:58,499 --> 01:13:01,043
That's all right.

983
01:13:02,295 --> 01:13:03,962
- Yes.
- Yeah.

984
01:13:05,882 --> 01:13:07,257
Perfect.

985
01:13:10,678 --> 01:13:12,304
Oh, goodness, look at the time.

986
01:13:12,472 --> 01:13:14,806
I hope Santa hasn't had
to pass up this house. . .

987
01:13:14,974 --> 01:13:17,559
. . .just because some boys
weren't in bed when he came by.

988
01:13:17,727 --> 01:13:20,312
Yeah, I thought I heard
Santa's sleigh bells. . .

989
01:13:20,480 --> 01:13:23,565
. . .a little while ago going up
the other side of the street.

990
01:13:23,983 --> 01:13:26,151
- All right, you two, upstairs.
- Come on.

991
01:13:26,319 --> 01:13:29,571
Come on. On the double,
on the double:

992
01:13:39,916 --> 01:13:41,541
Okay, let's get them.

993
01:14:43,563 --> 01:14:46,940
Randy. Randy, come on.
Get up, Randy.

994
01:14:57,410 --> 01:14:58,910
Santa Claus had come.

995
01:15:03,082 --> 01:15:05,792
Wow, a truck. That's mine!

996
01:15:05,960 --> 01:15:08,003
Wow, look over here! That's mine!

997
01:15:08,171 --> 01:15:09,921
Oh, what's in here?

998
01:15:10,089 --> 01:15:11,339
Oh, it's hard.

999
01:15:11,507 --> 01:15:15,051
Fire truck. Oh, boy, that's mine!

1000
01:15:17,471 --> 01:15:19,639
Hey!

1001
01:15:23,519 --> 01:15:25,645
Does this raise?

1002
01:15:32,278 --> 01:15:34,821
Dad, Dad.

1003
01:15:40,077 --> 01:15:42,412
Merry Christmas!

1004
01:15:42,705 --> 01:15:45,707
- Merry Christmas, you two.
- Merry Christmas.

1005
01:15:45,875 --> 01:15:48,877
Now, Randy, no.
Wait for Christmas to start, honey.

1006
01:15:49,045 --> 01:15:51,838
- I wanna play Santa.
- Well, wait a minute, Randy.

1007
01:15:52,006 --> 01:15:54,549
You played Santa.
He played Santa last year, didn't he?

1008
01:15:54,717 --> 01:15:56,885
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Ralphie, you play Santa this time.

1009
01:15:57,053 --> 01:15:59,346
- Come on, Ralphie.
- Well, who should I start with?

1010
01:15:59,555 --> 01:16:02,390
- Well, give Randy a present.
- Yeah! Yeah!

1011
01:16:02,600 --> 01:16:05,560
And I think I see Aunt Clara's gift
to you right over there.

1012
01:16:05,728 --> 01:16:08,355
She always sends you
such wonderful presents, Ralphie.

1013
01:16:08,522 --> 01:16:10,690
- Give me mine, Ralphie. Come on.
- Okay.

1014
01:16:10,900 --> 01:16:12,192
Come on, Ralph.

1015
01:16:28,125 --> 01:16:29,960
Christmas had come. Officially.

1016
01:16:30,836 --> 01:16:33,922
We plunged into the cornucopia,
quivering with desire. . .

1017
01:16:34,090 --> 01:16:36,758
. . .and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.

1018
01:16:36,926 --> 01:16:38,760
Didn't I get a tie this year?

1019
01:16:44,600 --> 01:16:46,393
A zeppelin.

1020
01:16:46,560 --> 01:16:49,020
A can of simonize.

1021
01:16:49,188 --> 01:16:52,357
Ralphie, what did Aunt Clara give you?
Show everybody.

1022
01:16:57,655 --> 01:16:58,863
I don't want to.

1023
01:16:59,031 --> 01:17:01,700
Ralphie, show everybody
what Aunt Clara gave you.

1024
01:17:02,576 --> 01:17:05,203
Aunt Clara had for years labored
under the delusion. . .

1025
01:17:05,371 --> 01:17:10,500
. . .that I was not only perpetually
4 years old, but also a girl.

1026
01:17:10,710 --> 01:17:15,005
She just always gives you
the nicest things, Ralphie.

1027
01:17:16,716 --> 01:17:18,717
Oh, my God.

1028
01:17:18,884 --> 01:17:21,720
Oh, isn't that sweet?

1029
01:17:21,887 --> 01:17:24,973
- Ralph, go upstairs and try it on if you--
- I don't want to.

1030
01:17:25,182 --> 01:17:27,350
Go upstairs right now
and try on that present.

1031
01:17:27,518 --> 01:17:30,061
She went to all that trouble to make it.
Now, go on.

1032
01:17:38,529 --> 01:17:42,657
While Ralphie is changing,
I'm gonna play Santa Claus.

1033
01:17:42,825 --> 01:17:46,786
Now, let me see. What can I fi--?
Oh, I see something.

1034
01:17:46,954 --> 01:17:50,457
- Randy. This is for you, honey.
- Oh, Jesus.

1035
01:17:50,624 --> 01:17:54,711
- Oh, and this is for Daddy.
- Oh, boy.

1036
01:17:55,921 --> 01:17:59,090
Here. From me to you.

1037
01:18:00,843 --> 01:18:02,886
Thanks a lot.

1038
01:18:03,596 --> 01:18:06,097
I wonder what it could be?

1039
01:18:06,766 --> 01:18:09,351
Only one way to find out, isn't there?

1040
01:18:09,518 --> 01:18:11,853
Well, it's a blue ball.

1041
01:18:12,438 --> 01:18:16,232
It's a bowling ball.

1042
01:18:16,400 --> 01:18:18,068
- Thank you, darling.
- Do you like it?

1043
01:18:18,235 --> 01:18:21,196
Yes, very much. Very much.

1044
01:18:21,364 --> 01:18:24,282
Ralphie! We're waiting!

1045
01:18:24,658 --> 01:18:26,284
Oh, come on, Mom.

1046
01:18:26,786 --> 01:18:28,286
Right now!

1047
01:18:38,422 --> 01:18:41,883
Immediately, my feet began to sweat
as those two fluffy little bunnies. . .

1048
01:18:42,051 --> 01:18:46,054
. . .with the blue button eyes
stared sappily up at me.

1049
01:18:46,263 --> 01:18:49,641
Come down here
so I can see you better.

1050
01:18:49,809 --> 01:18:51,976
I just hoped that Flick
would never spot them. . .

1051
01:18:52,144 --> 01:18:54,896
. . .as the word of this humiliation
could easily make life. . .

1052
01:18:55,064 --> 01:18:57,690
. . .at Warren G. Harding School
a veritable hell.

1053
01:18:59,735 --> 01:19:01,361
Isn't that cu--?

1054
01:19:01,529 --> 01:19:04,447
That is the most precious thing
I've ever seen in my life.

1055
01:19:06,283 --> 01:19:07,659
Shut up, Randy.

1056
01:19:07,827 --> 01:19:09,953
He looks
like a deranged Easter bunny.

1057
01:19:11,997 --> 01:19:13,665
- He does not.
- He does too.

1058
01:19:13,833 --> 01:19:16,084
He looks like a pink nightmare.

1059
01:19:16,293 --> 01:19:18,169
Are you happy wearing that?

1060
01:19:18,337 --> 01:19:21,131
Do you want to take it off?
Tell the kid to take it off.

1061
01:19:21,298 --> 01:19:24,342
You'll only wear it when Aunt Clara visits.
Go on and take it off.

1062
01:19:24,510 --> 01:19:26,177
Take it off!

1063
01:19:29,265 --> 01:19:31,474
My God, would you look at that mess?

1064
01:19:31,642 --> 01:19:34,185
- Who's gonna clean the papers up?
- Not me.

1065
01:19:34,353 --> 01:19:36,688
- Oh, no?
- Randy did it last year.

1066
01:19:36,856 --> 01:19:39,023
Well, he can do it again.

1067
01:19:40,359 --> 01:19:42,152
You know, this wine is not bad.

1068
01:19:42,319 --> 01:19:44,279
It's not good either, but--
You want a sip?

1069
01:19:44,447 --> 01:19:46,865
- Yeah.
- No, you don't.

1070
01:19:47,241 --> 01:19:49,868
- Did you have a nice Christmas?
- Yeah, pretty nice.

1071
01:19:50,035 --> 01:19:52,495
Yeah? Did you get everything
you wanted?

1072
01:19:52,663 --> 01:19:53,872
Well, almost.

1073
01:19:54,039 --> 01:19:59,836
Almost, huh? Well, that's life.
Well, there's always next Christmas.

1074
01:20:00,004 --> 01:20:01,880
Yup.

1075
01:20:02,047 --> 01:20:04,424
Hey, that's funny.

1076
01:20:04,967 --> 01:20:08,636
- What's that over there behind the desk?
- Where?

1077
01:20:08,804 --> 01:20:11,431
Over behind the desk
against the wall over there.

1078
01:20:13,601 --> 01:20:15,602
Why don't you go check it out?

1079
01:20:15,769 --> 01:20:17,353
Go on.

1080
01:20:31,660 --> 01:20:34,162
What did we put over there, honey?

1081
01:20:34,330 --> 01:20:36,122
Santa Claus probably put it.

1082
01:20:36,290 --> 01:20:38,124
You. . . .

1083
01:21:13,410 --> 01:21:17,539
Oh, it was beautiful.
I could hardly wait to try it out.

1084
01:21:17,957 --> 01:21:19,916
- Do you know how to load it?
- Yeah.

1085
01:21:20,084 --> 01:21:21,584
Yeah?

1086
01:21:22,586 --> 01:21:24,629
Be careful. That's right.

1087
01:21:31,637 --> 01:21:33,304
Be careful.

1088
01:21:33,472 --> 01:21:35,306
Don't. They run all over.

1089
01:21:41,689 --> 01:21:43,773
Close her up. Close it up.

1090
01:21:43,941 --> 01:21:45,858
Can I try it out, Ma? Can I?

1091
01:21:46,652 --> 01:21:49,571
- Sure.
- Okay. But outside.

1092
01:21:49,780 --> 01:21:52,699
Oh, I still say those things
are dangerous.

1093
01:21:52,908 --> 01:21:56,995
No, no! Put on your galoshes
and your coat. It's cold out.

1094
01:21:59,415 --> 01:22:02,834
I had one when I was 8 years old.

1095
01:22:03,002 --> 01:22:04,419
- What if he hurts himself?
- Hey!

1096
01:22:04,587 --> 01:22:05,920
Ralphie, your coat!

1097
01:22:06,839 --> 01:22:10,592
- Don't shoot any animals or birds.
- Except the Bumpuses' dogs.

1098
01:22:10,759 --> 01:22:14,762
Oh, you hush. Be careful, Ralphie.

1099
01:22:14,930 --> 01:22:17,140
Now, it is well-known
throughout the Midwest. . .

1100
01:22:17,308 --> 01:22:20,518
. . .that the old man
is a turkey junkie.

1101
01:22:20,686 --> 01:22:23,771
- A bona fide garley turkicanus freak.
- Go fix your plumbing.

1102
01:22:23,939 --> 01:22:26,691
A few days before Christmas
his eyes would begin to gleam. . .

1103
01:22:26,859 --> 01:22:29,777
- . . .with a wild and ravenous light.
- Go in the other room.

1104
01:22:33,282 --> 01:22:39,037
Okay, Black Bart, now you get yours.

1105
01:22:51,634 --> 01:22:53,509
Oh, my God! I shot my eye out.

1106
01:22:53,677 --> 01:22:55,345
You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

1107
01:22:55,512 --> 01:23:00,475
You'll shoot your eye out
You'll shoot your eye out

1108
01:23:00,934 --> 01:23:03,895
Ralphie, you be careful out there.
Don't shoot your eye out.

1109
01:23:04,063 --> 01:23:06,773
She hadn't seen. She didn't know.

1110
01:23:06,940 --> 01:23:10,526
My eye's all right.
The BB must have hit my glasses.

1111
01:23:10,944 --> 01:23:15,031
My glasses.
Oh, no, where are my glasses?

1112
01:23:16,075 --> 01:23:19,077
Few things brought such swift
and terrible retribution on a kid. . .

1113
01:23:19,244 --> 01:23:21,746
. . .as a pair of busted glasses.

1114
01:23:26,085 --> 01:23:27,919
Stop!

1115
01:23:39,765 --> 01:23:41,683
Oh, no.

1116
01:23:43,644 --> 01:23:46,771
Oh, no. Pulverized.

1117
01:23:52,528 --> 01:23:54,654
Oh, no.

1118
01:23:57,866 --> 01:24:02,870
For a moment, I thought, I'll fake it.
They'll never know the lens is gone.

1119
01:24:03,288 --> 01:24:04,497
Oh, no.

1120
01:24:04,665 --> 01:24:07,542
Rapidly my mind evolved
a spectacular plot.

1121
01:24:07,710 --> 01:24:10,128
Let's see, an icicle. Yeah.

1122
01:24:10,295 --> 01:24:12,755
Falls off the garage
and hits me in the eye.

1123
01:24:12,923 --> 01:24:14,882
It would work. It had to work.

1124
01:24:15,050 --> 01:24:17,301
Quickly, I whipped up some tears.

1125
01:24:17,469 --> 01:24:19,303
Ralphie?

1126
01:24:23,475 --> 01:24:24,851
What's the matter, honey?

1127
01:24:25,018 --> 01:24:26,519
Oh, what happened? What is it?

1128
01:24:26,687 --> 01:24:27,979
Let me see that. What is it?

1129
01:24:28,147 --> 01:24:30,940
There was this icicle
and it fell off the garage and hit me.

1130
01:24:31,108 --> 01:24:33,276
Come on inside out of the cold.
What is this?

1131
01:24:35,696 --> 01:24:37,363
- What?
- No, it's okay.

1132
01:24:37,531 --> 01:24:41,075
Just read your funnies. It's all right.

1133
01:24:41,243 --> 01:24:44,996
Randy. Wake up, Randy.

1134
01:24:48,876 --> 01:24:50,126
Oh, God.

1135
01:24:50,544 --> 01:24:54,297
It hit my cheek
and it broke my glasses.

1136
01:24:54,465 --> 01:24:59,010
- And I tried to get out of the way, but I--
- Let's try this. Wait a second.

1137
01:24:59,178 --> 01:25:02,847
There, see, it's just a little bump.

1138
01:25:03,015 --> 01:25:05,850
Ralphie, you're lucky
it didn't cut your eye.

1139
01:25:06,018 --> 01:25:08,519
Those icicles have been known
to kill people.

1140
01:25:14,568 --> 01:25:17,987
- What's going on up there?
- Nothing. We'll be right down.

1141
01:25:18,155 --> 01:25:19,572
You stay away from that turkey.

1142
01:25:19,740 --> 01:25:22,992
It's got an hour to cook.
You'll get worms.

1143
01:25:27,289 --> 01:25:29,123
But what about my glasses?

1144
01:25:29,291 --> 01:25:31,626
You can wear the old ones
with the crack in them. . .

1145
01:25:31,794 --> 01:25:34,545
. . . until we get you
some new ones, okay?

1146
01:25:36,381 --> 01:25:39,050
I had pulled it off.

1147
01:25:39,718 --> 01:25:41,469
But I left my gun outside.

1148
01:25:41,637 --> 01:25:46,015
Yeah. Well, when you get dressed
you can go out and get your gun, okay?

1149
01:25:46,183 --> 01:25:47,725
Hold that on there.

1150
01:25:47,893 --> 01:25:49,727
Life is like that.

1151
01:25:49,895 --> 01:25:54,732
Sometimes at the height of our revelries
when our joy is at its zenith. . .

1152
01:25:54,900 --> 01:25:57,777
. . .when all is most right
with the world. . .

1153
01:25:57,945 --> 01:26:02,573
. . .the most unthinkable disasters
descend upon us.

1154
01:26:15,838 --> 01:26:17,338
Oh, turkey!

1155
01:26:21,426 --> 01:26:24,095
Oh, my God.

1156
01:26:25,764 --> 01:26:27,390
You sons of--!

1157
01:26:33,105 --> 01:26:36,941
Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!

1158
01:26:51,748 --> 01:26:54,250
The heavenly aroma
still hung heavy in the house.

1159
01:26:54,418 --> 01:26:56,127
But it was gone. All gone.

1160
01:26:56,295 --> 01:26:59,422
No turkey. No turkey sandwiches.
No turkey salad.

1161
01:26:59,590 --> 01:27:01,424
No turkey gravy, turkey hash. . .

1162
01:27:01,592 --> 01:27:04,051
. . .turkey à la king,
or gallons of turkey soup.

1163
01:27:04,219 --> 01:27:06,888
Gone! All gone!

1164
01:27:10,684 --> 01:27:14,562
All right! Everybody upstairs.
Get dressed.

1165
01:27:16,648 --> 01:27:18,566
We are going out to eat.

1166
01:27:39,254 --> 01:27:44,008
No, no, no.

1167
01:27:44,176 --> 01:27:47,178
Not:

1168
01:27:47,346 --> 01:27:48,596
Sing like this:

1169
01:27:56,521 --> 01:27:58,189
Try again.

1170
01:28:08,700 --> 01:28:09,992
Stop, stop, stop.

1171
01:28:10,160 --> 01:28:12,078
Sing something else.

1172
01:28:25,467 --> 01:28:28,386
No, no, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.

1173
01:28:28,553 --> 01:28:30,638
Kitchen. Bring food. For customers.

1174
01:28:39,982 --> 01:28:41,399
Oh, I'm sorry.

1175
01:28:41,566 --> 01:28:43,901
- Oh, yes.
- Look at that.

1176
01:28:44,069 --> 01:28:46,904
It's a beautiful duck. Yes, it really is.

1177
01:28:47,072 --> 01:28:51,158
It's-- But you see, it's--

1178
01:28:52,953 --> 01:28:56,998
- What?
- It's smiling at me.

1179
01:29:01,211 --> 01:29:02,920
Okay?

1180
01:29:03,922 --> 01:29:05,464
- Beautiful.
- Yeah. Yes, it's--

1181
01:29:05,632 --> 01:29:08,426
- Wonderful, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

1182
01:29:08,593 --> 01:29:11,512
That Christmas would live
in our memories as the Christmas. . .

1183
01:29:11,680 --> 01:29:15,224
. . .when we were introduced
to Chinese turkey.

1184
01:29:15,392 --> 01:29:18,185
All was right with the world.

1185
01:29:38,707 --> 01:29:41,625
Oh, honey, come over here.
Look at this.

1186
01:29:41,793 --> 01:29:44,754
Ooh, is that beautiful.

1187
01:29:54,306 --> 01:29:55,973
Merry Christmas.

1188
01:30:29,674 --> 01:30:34,553
Next to me in the blackness
lay my oiled blue-steel beauty.

1189
01:30:34,721 --> 01:30:37,014
The greatest Christmas gift
I had ever received. . .

1190
01:30:37,182 --> 01:30:39,600
. . .or would ever receive.

1191
01:30:39,768 --> 01:30:41,852
Gradually, I drifted off to sleep. . .

1192
01:30:42,020 --> 01:30:46,690
. . .pranging ducks on the wing
and getting off spectacular hip shots.

1193
01:33:19,344 --> 01:33:21,345
[ENGLISH]