1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
*

2
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:14,600
St Juniper once said, "By his loins
shall ye know him, and by the length
of his rod shall he be measured."

3
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:21,840
The length of MY rod
is a mystery to all but the Queen
and a thousand Turkish whores!

4
00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:28,680
But the FRUITS of my loins
are here for all to see.

5
00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:31,200
I have two sons -

6
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:34,160
Harry and another one.

7
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,600
Step forward, Harry, Prince of Wales.

8
00:01:47,759 --> 00:01:55,800
Harry, I hereby name thee
Captain of the Guard, Grand Warden
of the Eastern and Northern Marches,

9
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:58,640
Chief Lunatic of Gloucester,

10
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,760
Viceroy of Wales,
Sheriff of Nottingham,

11
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:08,639
Marquis of the Midlands,
Lord Po-maker in ordinary,
and Harbinger of the Doomed Rat!

12
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,280
Step forward, the other one!

13
00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:31,000
These titles have been with you -
Duke of Edinburgh
and Warden of the Royal Privy.

14
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:35,880
<font color="#fff079">Yes, my lord. We thank thee, Egbert,
for thy work in Edinburgh.

15
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,840
We relieve thee of thy heavy task,

16
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:43,720
and give the dukedom to our cousin,
Hastings. ..Many happy returns.

17
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:47,280
I have discharged
the duties of Juniper!

18
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:52,320
Chiswick, fresh horses! We ride
at once to rebellious Stoke

19
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where it is my sworn intent
to approach the city walls,

20
00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:59,440
bare my broad buttocks,

21
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:04,160
and shout,
"Behold, I honour thee most highly!"

22
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,200
FANFARE AND CHEERING

23
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:22,160
It could've been worse, my lord.
<font color="#b3feff">I thought you might lose the privy!

24
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<font color="#fff079">NO!

25
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,800
<font color="#fff079">It...will...NOT...do!

26
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:32,840
Er, no, my lord.<font color="#fff079"> I must clear away
<font color="#fff079">the chaff from my life

27
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:37,040
<font color="#fff079">then let shine forth
<font color="#fff079">the true wheat of greatness!

28
00:03:37,079 --> 00:03:39,880
Do it at once, my lord!<font color="#fff079"> Very well.

29
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:44,000
<font color="#fff079">Percy, you are dismissed
<font color="#fff079">from my services. Me?!

30
00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:50,560
Why?<font color="#fff079"> Because, Percy,
<font color="#fff079">far from being a fit consort
<font color="#fff079">for a prince of the realm,

31
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:54,760
<font color="#fff079">you would bore the leggings
<font color="#fff079">off a village idiot!

32
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:59,120
<font color="#fff079">You ride a horse rather less well
<font color="#fff079">than another horse would.

33
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:05,600
<font color="#fff079">Your brain would make a grain
<font color="#fff079">of sand look large and ungainly.

34
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:12,800
<font color="#fff079">And the part of you that can't be
<font color="#fff079">mentioned, I am reliably informed,
<font color="#fff079">wouldn't be worth mentioning

35
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:19,920
<font color="#fff079">even if it could be! If you put on
<font color="#fff079">a floppy hat and a furry codpiece,
<font color="#fff079">you might pass as a fool,

36
00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:24,680
<font color="#fff079">but since you wouldn't know a joke
<font color="#fff079">if it got up and gave you a haircut,

37
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:27,920
<font color="#fff079">I doubt it! So you are dismissed!

38
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,720
Oh, I see.
<font color="#fff079">And as for you, Baldrick...

39
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,280
<font color="#b3feff">My lord?<font color="#fff079"> You're out, too.

40
00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,640
<font color="#b3feff">Fair enough.

41
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:47,680
<font color="#fff079">Will you go back to shovelling dung
<font color="#fff079">in the gutter where I found you?
<font color="#b3feff">Doubt it.<font color="#fff079"> No?

42
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,240
<font color="#b3feff">No, it took me ages to get that job.

43
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:54,280
<font color="#b3feff">I'll muck out the lepers
<font color="#b3feff">or something.<font color="#fff079"> Really?

44
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:58,800
<font color="#b3feff">It'll be years before I get back
<font color="#b3feff">to shovelling dung.

45
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:11,480
<font color="#fff079">Get out of my way!
Going on a journey, my lord?

46
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,240
<font color="#fff079">No, I'm going to stand here all day.

47
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,960
So you'll need a horse-tender?

48
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:22,400
<font color="#fff079">If I did, I wouldn't take you!
<font color="#fff079">What is your profession?

49
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,920
One, two, three! One, two, three!

50
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:37,440
<font color="#fff079">My God! A retired morris dancer!
<font color="#fff079">That's all I need!

51
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:41,080
<font color="#fff079">If you can keep up,
<font color="#fff079">you can come. Hah!

52
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,120
<font color="#fff079">Here he comes now.

53
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,760
<font color="#fff079">Oh, my God!

54
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:11,240
IRISH ACCENT: So, Sir Wilfred Death,
your tyranny is now at an end.

55
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:16,040
Prepare to be strung by your
codlings and bound on that tree.

56
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,800
<font color="#b3feff">Never!

57
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SCREAMS

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GROANING

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00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:37,280
<font color="#fff079">Sir Wilfred Death.

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00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,800
<font color="#b3feff">Edmund.

61
00:06:45,159 --> 00:06:49,680
<font color="#fff079">I'm looking for some men
<font color="#fff079">to take over the kingdom.

62
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,760
<font color="#b3feff">How many have you got so far?

63
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,400
So, we are agreed -

64
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,960
he who wins takes the horse.

65
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:13,600
There is our mark.
You shoot first.

66
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,120
Yeah. That's good.

67
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So good, in fact,

68
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,200
I'm going to have to...

69
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,920
..cheat.

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<font color="#fff079">Three-fingered Pete!

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Good evening...

72
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:47,480
and surrender.
Your money or your life.

73
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:53,159
Here. Take it.
It's all the money I have.

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Thank you.

75
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,200
Now, let me pass.

76
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:04,240
(Damn!) I'm always doing this.
Did I say,
"Your money or your life"?

77
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,840
You did.

78
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:09,400
Sorry. Slip of the tongue.

79
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,000
Your money AND your life.

80
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:16,400
Sorry.

81
00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:21,800
Thanks, Ned.
See you Thursday.

82
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,880
<font color="#b3feff">Guy!

83
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,320
Wilfred!

84
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:32,360
<font color="#b3feff">Now, what we need
<font color="#b3feff">is a real bastard!

85
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,159
Sean, the IRISH Bastard!

86
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,200
CORK POPS OUT OF BOTTLE

87
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,560
POP!

88
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:49,640
↑
Pity the blind, sir.

89
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:52,680
Pity the blind, kind sir.

90
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:09,080
'Ere! Business is very quiet
this morning!

91
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,640
Aye, everyone's gone to lunch.

92
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:17,120
<font color="#b3feff">Sean!
POP!

93
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:29,800
Friar, I...fear greatly
for her chastity.

94
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:32,840
<font color="#79ff6c">Alas, such is the way
<font color="#79ff6c">of the world.

95
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:37,880
<font color="#79ff6c">The sweetest rose
<font color="#79ff6c">too often is...plucked too soon.

96
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:41,520
Yes. I wondered...

97
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,760
if you would take her
while I'm gone.

98
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,720
<font color="#79ff6c">Yes. The answer is yes.

99
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:50,800
<font color="#79ff6c">I shall.

100
00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:00,760
<font color="#b3feff">Friar Bellows!
POP!

101
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,320
<font color="#b3feff">Doing the Lord's work(?)

102
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,320
<font color="#79ff6c">I'm administering extreme unction!

103
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:12,440
<font color="#fff079">Well, who shall be our seventh,
<font color="#fff079">Wilfred?

104
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:16,000
<font color="#b3feff">Need I say? ..Jack!

105
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:22,840
Not Mad Bully-boy Jack,
grave-robbing assassin of Aldwych?

106
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:30,000
<font color="#b3feff">No. Then Crazed Animal Jack,
the cattle-rustling cannibal
from Sutton Coldfield?

107
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:31,760
<font color="#b3feff">No.

108
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:38,560
Then yer man Saint Jack O'Hooligan,
the man-hatin' goat-murderer
of Dingle Bay?

109
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,880
<font color="#b3feff">No.<font color="#79ff6c"> Surely not Canon Jack Smulley,

110
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:46,680
<font color="#79ff6c">senior Archdeacon, entrail-eating
<font color="#79ff6c">heretic of Barton Wells?

111
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:48,720
<font color="#b3feff">No.

112
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:52,840
<font color="#b3feff">I'm talking
<font color="#b3feff">of Unspeakably Violent Jack,

113
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:58,080
<font color="#b3feff">the bull-buggering beast-killer
<font color="#b3feff">of no fixed abode.

114
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:08,560
<font color="#fff079">Are you SURE he's the kind of chap
<font color="#fff079">we're looking for?<font color="#b3feff"> Yes!

115
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,720
<font color="#b3feff">And here he comes.

116
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,680
What do you think you're doing?!

117
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,720
<font color="#b3feff">Are you with us, Jack? Aye!

118
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,520
INDISTINCT JOKE

119
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,480
DRUNKEN LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

120
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:59,000
<font color="#fff079">Tell me, Jack, what is your
<font color="#fff079">second name? Large. Jack Large!

121
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:03,560
<font color="#fff079">Then in our band,
<font color="#fff079">you shall be known as Large Jack!

122
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,400
Why?

123
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,440
<font color="#fff079">Well...

124
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,000
<font color="#fff079">because you are so little.

125
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,560
Why not Little Jack, then?

126
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:16,600
<font color="#fff079">Well, because Large Jack
<font color="#fff079">is more amusing.

127
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:20,920
Is it?
<font color="#fff079">Very well, then - LITTLE Jack.

128
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:28,080
Do you wish to mock my size?<font color="#fff079"> N-N-No!
<font color="#fff079">Of course not. Um, innkeeper!

129
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:32,360
<font color="#fff079">Some more beer! HURRAY!
<font color="#fff079">Six large beers...

130
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:36,400
<font color="#fff079">and, er... And ANOTHER large beer!
HURRAY!

131
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:41,000
<font color="#fff079">Let us then go onto the Plan.
Ah, the Plan!

132
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,560
<font color="#79ff6c">First, a motto for our enterprise -

133
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:47,200
<font color="#79ff6c">blessed are the meek... Aye!

134
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:52,360
<font color="#79ff6c">..for they shall be slaughtered!
HURRAY!<font color="#fff079"> Wait, wait! The Plan!

135
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,480
<font color="#fff079">The Plan! I thought it WAS the Plan.

136
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:59,480
Let's get those meek bastards now!
CHEERS

137
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,560
<font color="#fff079">QUIET!

138
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:05,520
<font color="#b3feff">Who wants quiet?! I want CHAOS!

139
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,720
And slaughter!

140
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,440
And flowers!

141
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:18,560
ALL: What?
Mercilessly crushed underfoot!

142
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:22,120
<font color="#79ff6c">Silence! Silence!<font color="#b3feff"> Silence!

143
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:25,120
Peace! The word of the Lord!

144
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:30,520
<font color="#79ff6c">For Christ's sake, let's hear the
<font color="#79ff6c">Plan!<font color="#fff079"> Very well. The Plan is simple.

145
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,720
<font color="#b3feff">Not cunning?! Get on with the Plan!

146
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:37,760
<font color="#fff079">Well, it's cunning...
<font color="#fff079">and it's simplistic.

147
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,360
<font color="#fff079">Tonight, I ride for home.

148
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:45,400
<font color="#b3feff">I say strike NOW while the iron
<font color="#b3feff">is hot!<font color="#fff079"> But the iron ISN'T hot!

149
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:50,680
<font color="#b3feff">Isn't it?<font color="#fff079"> No, it's just...
<font color="#fff079">er, warming up. But when it IS hot,

150
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:55,520
<font color="#fff079">then we will strike.
Do we have to wait till summer?

151
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:59,440
<font color="#fff079">No, when the IRON is hot.
What iron?

152
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:03,840
<font color="#fff079">Right...
<font color="#fff079">I shall send for you all.<font color="#79ff6c"> How?

153
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:07,880
<font color="#fff079">Well, by a message, a sign.
What sort of sign?

154
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:12,080
<font color="#fff079">Well, um...
<font color="#fff079">something black...probably.

155
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,680
Black pudding?<font color="#fff079"> Not quite.

156
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:19,840
A messenger
with the black plague, perhaps?

157
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:23,120
<font color="#fff079">That's better.<font color="#79ff6c"> He means to kill us!

158
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:27,480
<font color="#fff079">No, I mean a messenger
<font color="#fff079">with black...hair.

159
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,520
<font color="#b3feff">Ahh!

160
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,080
<font color="#b3feff">A black-headed messenger!<font color="#fff079"> That's it.

161
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:36,640
<font color="#fff079">And when he comes to you,
<font color="#fff079">drop whatever you are doing,

162
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:40,360
<font color="#fff079">and speed with haste
<font color="#fff079">to Jasper's Tavern.

163
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,440
- How IS old Jasper?
- Dead.

164
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:47,000
How?<font color="#79ff6c"> I killed him.

165
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:50,280
<font color="#fff079">Then, I shall take you
<font color="#fff079">to the castle

166
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:55,840
<font color="#fff079">where we will capture the King and
<font color="#fff079">the Queen and the Prince. HURRAY!

167
00:14:55,880 --> 00:15:00,520
<font color="#fff079">I'll say, "The Kingdom of Albion
<font color="#fff079">is ours!" HURRAY!

168
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:04,800
<font color="#fff079">"You are doomed to lives of exile.
<font color="#fff079">Get out!"

169
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,040
Exile?

170
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,600
<font color="#fff079">Yes, EXILE! For LIFE!

171
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,880
But why don't we just KILL them?

172
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:19,400
<font color="#fff079">Well...I suppose we COULD
<font color="#fff079">kill them... YES!

173
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:24,800
ENTHUSIASTIC GROWLS
<font color="#fff079">Wait! Wait till I send the sign.

174
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:28,640
By a messenger
with blackheads all over his face!

175
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:31,680
<font color="#b3feff">How do we know it isn't a trap?

176
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:37,720
<font color="#fff079">Because...the Black Adder
<font color="#fff079">gives you his word.

177
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:42,280
<font color="#b3feff">We want YOUR word,
<font color="#b3feff">not this Black Adder fellow's!

178
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,840
<font color="#fff079">But...I AM the Black Adder.

179
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,400
<font color="#b3feff">Ohh. Oh, I see. >

180
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:49,960
<font color="#fff079">And when all is done,

181
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:54,040
<font color="#fff079">the Black Seal shall rule England.
HURRAY!

182
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,080
<font color="#fff079">We few! We happy few!

183
00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:01,880
<font color="#fff079">We band of ruthless bastards!
HURRAY!

184
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:06,280
<font color="#fff079">All for one...
AND EACH MAN FOR HIMSELF!

185
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,440
LAUGHTER

186
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,000
You're in a merry mood, my lord!

187
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,560
<font color="#fff079">Oh, yes. No-one can stop me now!

188
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,760
No-one?<font color="#fff079"> No, no-one!

189
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,320
<font color="#fff079">Except perhaps...

190
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,200
<font color="#fff079">No, not even him.

191
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,760
And who might that be, my lord?

192
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,800
<font color="#fff079">Well...there WAS a man.

193
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:34,000
<font color="#fff079">Philip of Burgundy...

194
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,840
<font color="#fff079">known to his enemies as...

195
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,240
<font color="#fff079">the Hawk.

196
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,800
<font color="#fff079">We were deadly childhood rivals.

197
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:46,840
<font color="#fff079">Although, of course, in those days
<font color="#fff079">he was known as the Thrush!

198
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,440
<font color="#fff079">No-one's heard of him for years.

199
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:54,760
<font color="#fff079">Well, come on. Let's go.
<font color="#fff079">We've got work to do.

200
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,880
Not so fast, Edinburgh!

201
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:02,440
This Hawk -
did he look something like...this?

202
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,960
<font color="#fff079">Mmm... Not really, no.

203
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,839
<font color="#fff079">Oh, my God! Philip of Burgundy!

204
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,720
Known to my enemies as...

205
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,160
..the Hawk!

206
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:37,960
<font color="#fff079">But...but your horse...
<font color="#fff079">used to be a huge, brown...

207
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,360
<font color="#fff079">Yes. Yes, that's the one.

208
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:47,680
<font color="#fff079">Well...it's been very good
<font color="#fff079">to see you, er...PHIL!

209
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:52,440
This time, not fast enough!
<font color="#fff079">What do you want with me?

210
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,000
I'll tell you later!

211
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:05,200
I return at last after 15 years.

212
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,640
<font color="#fff079">And what have you been up to?

213
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:12,280
Waiting, nurturing my hatred
and planning my revenge.

214
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:15,120
<font color="#fff079">So you've kept yourself busy?

215
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:19,680
Yes. 15 years in France
teaches a man to hate.

216
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,240
15 years of wearing perfume!

217
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,800
15 years of eating frogs!

218
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,840
15 years of saying "par-r-rdon"!

219
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:32,960
And all because of you!
<font color="#fff079">But surely...the scenery...

220
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,960
I never went outside. The smell!

221
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,320
<font color="#fff079">What has this got to do with me?

222
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:43,280
Because, Edmund,
it is going to take you 15 years

223
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,400
to DIE!

224
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:52,360
<font color="#fff079">15 years? Yes!<font color="#fff079"> How? It'd be more
amusing if you found out yourself.

225
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,920
But it has something to do with...

226
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,200
..snails.

227
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,960
<font color="#fff079">ARGH!

228
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,440
<font color="#fff079">Where are you going?!

229
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:13,000
To kill the royal family and claim
the throne that isn't mine by right!

230
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,720
<font color="#fff079">Dear Lord,

231
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,280
<font color="#fff079">who made the birds and the bees,

232
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,160
<font color="#fff079">and the snails, presumably,

233
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,720
<font color="#fff079">please help me,

234
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,760
<font color="#fff079">a little animal too, in my despair.

235
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,320
<font color="#fff079">I have been a sinner,

236
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:41,880
<font color="#fff079">but now I intend to follow
<font color="#fff079">the path of the saints,

237
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:45,440
<font color="#fff079">particularly
<font color="#fff079">the very religious ones.

238
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:50,480
<font color="#fff079">In the name of the Father, Son,
<font color="#fff079">and Holy Ghost, amen.

239
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:53,040
Amen!<font color="#fff079"> What?

240
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,600
Amen, I said!<font color="#fff079"> Argh!

241
00:19:55,640 --> 00:20:03,600
Did I get it wrong? I haven't heard
that word for 20 years.<font color="#fff079"> Who are you?
<font color="#fff079">I didn't realise I had company!

242
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:09,920
"Company"? I haven't heard THAT word
for 20 years either! Or "realise"!
I'd forgotten!

243
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,440
Realise!<font color="#fff079"> You're not mad, are you?

244
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,480
Yes, I'm VERY mad, thank you. MAD!

245
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:22,040
That's the words I know.
I say them every day.
I go, "How are you, Mad Gerald?"

246
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:30,240
Then I say, "I'm completely mad,
thank you." "Not much change then,
Gerald?"<font color="#fff079"> Right... I AM mad!

247
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:33,920
I'm Mad Gerald!<font color="#fff079"> Quiet! Ssh! Ssh!

248
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:38,960
<font color="#fff079">Look, this may seem
<font color="#fff079">a stupid question... Question, yes.

249
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:44,320
<font color="#fff079">..but you don't know if there's a
<font color="#fff079">way out of here, do you? A way out?

250
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:47,880
MANIC LAUGHTER

251
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,640
MANIC LAUGHTER CONTINUES

252
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,200
A way out, you say?

253
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:16,120
I haven't heard those words
- a way out - for...ooh...

254
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,680
<font color="#fff079">20 years? Yes! Yes, 20 years.

255
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,240
Not like Mr Rat.

256
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,960
I'm always saying, "Mr Rat".<font color="#fff079"> Who?

257
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,320
Mr Rat!

258
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:33,840
I tend to say, "Good morning,
Mr Rat. How are you today?"
And he says, um...

259
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,200
beep, BEEP, beep, beep!

260
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:41,000
WATER DRIPS

261
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,560
LAUGHS AGAIN

262
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:50,880
..No, you mustn't be rude
about Mr Rat. He's my best friend.

263
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:52,320
EEK!

264
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,880
Yes.
EEK-EEK!

265
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:56,920
WELL...

266
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,480
there's him, and there's Mr Key.

267
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,840
<font color="#fff079">What? Mr Key!

268
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,640
I made him...out of my own teeth.

269
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,600
Good morning, Mr Key.

270
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,720
'Close the bloody door!'

271
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:25,440
<font color="#fff079">Stop! Stop!
<font color="#fff079">Where are you going?

272
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:31,520
I'll tell you where.
Wherever I can sell
these six black 'oming pigeons.

273
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,080
<font color="#fff079">Black HOMING pigeons?

274
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:38,400
Well, mostly.<font color="#fff079"> How much are they?
Six shillings.

275
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,880
<font color="#fff079">..Oh, damn!

276
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:46,800
If you beat me
and tied me to that tree,
you could have 'em for less!

277
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,320
<font color="#fff079">Right.

278
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,800
At the striking of ten bells,

279
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:47,360
I shall claim the throne.
POP!

280
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,400
BONG!

281
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:51,400
BONG!

282
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,400
BONG...

283
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,440
<font color="#b3feff">Sss!

284
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,480
<font color="#79ff6c">Ha-ha!

285
00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,280
Ha-ha! >

286
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:02,280
Sss!

287
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,240
POP!

288
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:12,720
Gentlemen, to what do I owe
this pleasure?

289
00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:19,880
<font color="#fff079">To ME, Burgundy!

290
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:27,240
Edmund! I had not expected
to see you again.<font color="#fff079"> No. Dead men
<font color="#fff079">don't tend to make social calls(!)

291
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:33,760
<font color="#fff079">Prepare to die! Wait!
Let me say just one last thing.

292
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:38,880
If these men are indeed as they seem,
the six most evil men in the land...

293
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:42,160
<font color="#fff079">They are!
<font color="#fff079">Your last sentence, please?

294
00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:47,720
They've made an odd choice
for their leader,
Lord Warden of the Privy!

295
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:52,440
<font color="#fff079">What?! You think
<font color="#fff079">they should've chosen you, THRUSH?

296
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:57,160
ALL LAUGH
<font color="#fff079">A man twisted by unbridled ambition.

297
00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:02,200
Ahh?<font color="#fff079"> A man
<font color="#fff079">tortured by insatiable greed! Ohh?

298
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:04,880
<font color="#fff079">The most evil man in the world! OH!

299
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,640
<font color="#fff079">They should've chosen YOU?

300
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:12,400
ALL: YES!
<font color="#fff079">But he's a mindless killer!

301
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:15,440
HURRAY!<font color="#fff079"> He'll destroy the kingdom!

302
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,480
HURRAY!<font color="#fff079"> He murdered his own family.

303
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:23,320
↑
Who didn't? I killed mine.
<font color="#b3feff">I killed mine!<font color="#79ff6c"> And I killed yours.

304
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:25,760
Did you?<font color="#79ff6c"> Yes. Good on you, Father!

305
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:30,480
- Are you with me, then?
- YES!
- Prepare to die!

306
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:35,400
Wait! I have
a more...amusing method.

307
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,720
<font color="#fff079">Amusing for WHOM, I wonder?

308
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:40,760
Gentlemen!

309
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,760
<font color="#79ff6c">WOH! Bravo!
Well done!

310
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,560
In precisely one minute,

311
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:52,120
the spike will go up your nethers.
CHEERING

312
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:56,600
The shears will cut off your ears!

313
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,840
<font color="#fff079">Both of them? Yes.

314
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:05,440
These axes will chop off your hands.

315
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:09,600
I do not think
we need go into the attributes

316
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,160
of the codling grinder!

317
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:19,960
These feathers here will tickle you
under what's left of your arms.<font color="#fff079"> EEK!

318
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:23,320
And THAT is the amusing part!

319
00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:26,680
CHEERING

320
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:31,240
Gentlemen, let us slaughter
the rest of the royal family.

321
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:35,400
God save the King!
ALL: Cos nobody else will!

322
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:46,120
Stop! Let us relieve these wenches
of their delightful burden,

323
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:48,680
and drink a toast to our enterprise.

324
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,240
May good thrive!

325
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:54,040
ALL: Over our dead bodies!

326
00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:01,120
Ahh!<font color="#b3feff"> Ahh!<font color="#79ff6c"> Ahh!

327
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:14,480
Mmm, it's got
a bit of a sting in its tail!

328
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:28,760
<font color="#fff079">G-R-R-U-R-R!

329
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:30,800
<font color="#fff079">E-U-G-H!

330
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:32,840
<font color="#fff079">Ah! Hah! Hah!

331
00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:43,440
Oh, Edmund!
Edmund!
EDMUND!

332
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:47,920
He lives!
CHEERING

333
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:51,560
<font color="#fff079">Father...

334
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:55,360
<font color="#fff079">you called me Edmund!

335
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:58,400
Sorry. Edgar! How are you?

336
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,080
<font color="#fff079">Not so well.

337
00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:03,120
<font color="#fff079">Harry...

338
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,520
<font color="#fff079">..what do you think my chances are?

339
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:11,520
Oh, good. GOOD.
He WILL live?

340
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:17,080
Hmm? Oh, no. I thought you meant
your chances of going to heaven.

341
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:20,320
<font color="#fff079">Oh, da-a-a-amn!

342
00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:24,720
Never fear, my son. Your body
may be mutilated beyond recognition,

343
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:27,280
but your spirit will live forever!

344
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:29,320
My lords...

345
00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:34,520
<font color="#b3feff">What did you say?
..I give you Edgar!

346
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:41,440
<font color="#b3feff">I told you to poison
<font color="#b3feff">the Black Seal's goblets,
<font color="#b3feff">not the whole vat!

347
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:44,040
..What is it?

348
00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:50,080
The Black Dagger!

349
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:54,120
ALL: The Black Dagger!
<font color="#fff079">(Adder!)

350
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:58,080
May his name
last as long as OUR dynasty!

351
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:11,520
<font color="#fff079">Good Lord!

352
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:16,280
<font color="#fff079">I wonder if it was the wine...

353
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:28,120
<font color="#fff079">No. Seems perfectly all right to me.

354
00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:32,520
<font color="#fff079">And now, at last,

355
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:35,080
<font color="#fff079">I shall be King of E...

356
00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:51,600
# So now the wage of sin is paid

357
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:59,160
# The blade has stuck
The black steed grazes

358
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:06,080
# The only sound across the glade

359
00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:13,600
# Is Edmund pushing up the daisies

360
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:17,320
# Black Adder

361
00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:20,800
# Black Adder

362
00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:27,600
# A shame about the Plan

363
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:31,440
# Black Adder

364
00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:35,520
# Black Adder

365
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:39,560
# Farewell, you horrid man. #

366
00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:47,920
Subtitles by Judith Simpson
BBC Scotland 1998