1 00:00:08,407 --> 00:00:12,744 What about this plague? Rumours say it's worse than ever. 2 00:00:12,953 --> 00:00:17,291 Now we've found out about the rats, we'll never have plague again. 3 00:00:17,541 --> 00:00:21,003 They say that a rat a day keeps the plague away. 4 00:00:21,253 --> 00:00:28,468 - No more plague in our lifetime. - I hope you're right. 5 00:01:32,282 --> 00:01:35,702 - Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you. - Doing what? 6 00:01:35,953 --> 00:01:39,915 I'm afraid Father's feeling a bit under the weather. 7 00:01:40,123 --> 00:01:42,292 Oh, dear. Any idea what? 8 00:01:42,542 --> 00:01:44,878 Not sure. I think it's Black Death, 9 00:01:45,087 --> 00:01:49,216 but I am sure he'd appreciate a little visit from you. 10 00:01:49,466 --> 00:01:53,762 Well, I'm sure I can pop my head around the door. 11 00:01:54,012 --> 00:01:58,058 Sort of nowish. 12 00:01:58,392 --> 00:02:00,477 Mother, would you like to...? 13 00:02:00,686 --> 00:02:02,563 No, dear. He won't let me near him. 14 00:02:02,813 --> 00:02:06,149 Oh. 15 00:02:06,441 --> 00:02:08,318 Slaaay! 16 00:02:08,527 --> 00:02:10,404 How is he? 17 00:02:10,612 --> 00:02:13,532 Well, he's up. 18 00:02:13,782 --> 00:02:17,953 We face today the gravest crisis this country has known 19 00:02:18,203 --> 00:02:21,623 - since the Roman invasion! - (All shout agreement) 20 00:02:21,873 --> 00:02:23,834 The King has stirred and calls for you. 21 00:02:24,084 --> 00:02:27,212 Ah. Very well... 22 00:02:27,462 --> 00:02:29,756 Gentlemen! I must leave you. 23 00:02:29,965 --> 00:02:32,134 Prince Edmund is in charge! 24 00:02:32,384 --> 00:02:34,678 (All) Shame! 25 00:02:34,887 --> 00:02:36,805 Ah, yes. Ah, right. 26 00:02:37,014 --> 00:02:40,642 Er, gentlemen, right. Well, as you know... 27 00:02:40,851 --> 00:02:44,479 "Today we face the gravest crisis this country has known 28 00:02:44,688 --> 00:02:47,482 - "since the Roman invasion." - Rubbish! 29 00:02:47,691 --> 00:02:49,318 What about the Viking invasion? 30 00:02:49,568 --> 00:02:51,445 - Norman? - Swiss? 31 00:02:51,653 --> 00:02:54,990 Well, the greatest crisis for some time. 32 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,868 - And we all know why! - Why? 33 00:02:58,118 --> 00:03:01,955 - Because the King is possessed! - What? 34 00:03:02,205 --> 00:03:05,459 True. The land is full of omens of bewitchment! 35 00:03:05,709 --> 00:03:10,505 In Cornwall, a man with four heads was seen taking tea on the beach! 36 00:03:10,756 --> 00:03:14,927 And two women in Windsor claim to have been raped by a fish! 37 00:03:15,135 --> 00:03:17,512 I, too, have heard such tales. 38 00:03:17,763 --> 00:03:20,849 - In Harrogate it rained phlegm. - (All) Eugh! 39 00:03:21,058 --> 00:03:23,477 In Edinburgh, the graves did open 40 00:03:23,727 --> 00:03:26,480 and the ghosts of our ancestors rose up 41 00:03:26,730 --> 00:03:28,398 and competed in athletic sports. 42 00:03:28,649 --> 00:03:34,112 A friend of mine had this awful pimple on the inside of his nose! 43 00:03:34,363 --> 00:03:36,573 - Percy, shut up. - (All) Witchcraft! 44 00:03:36,782 --> 00:03:41,495 And a farmer in Rye heard a cow reciting Geoffrey Chaucer, 45 00:03:41,745 --> 00:03:46,291 and a young woman in Shropshire saw Geoffrey Chaucer in a field, 46 00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:49,044 mooing and suckling a young heifer! 47 00:03:49,294 --> 00:03:54,091 Gentlemen, gentlemen! Surely, we don't believe in this. 48 00:03:54,299 --> 00:03:55,842 Next you'll be telling me 49 00:03:56,093 --> 00:03:59,263 that washing your hair in bats' droppings stops you going bald! 50 00:03:59,513 --> 00:04:04,601 But it's true! I couldn't find enough bats and look what happened. 51 00:04:04,851 --> 00:04:08,272 I move that we do the only thing we can do 52 00:04:08,522 --> 00:04:10,857 to remove this curse from the kingdom. 53 00:04:11,066 --> 00:04:13,485 Ah, that sounds like the answer! 54 00:04:13,735 --> 00:04:15,737 Send for the Witchsmeller Pursuivant. 55 00:04:15,946 --> 00:04:16,947 Aye! 56 00:04:17,197 --> 00:04:22,411 (Men yell their support) 57 00:04:22,619 --> 00:04:25,372 Now, wait! Wait! Wait! 58 00:04:25,581 --> 00:04:26,832 - Percy! Percy! - What? 59 00:04:27,082 --> 00:04:30,752 What the devil do you think you're doing? 60 00:04:31,003 --> 00:04:35,007 I just can't take the pressure of all these omens any more! 61 00:04:35,257 --> 00:04:36,091 Percy... 62 00:04:36,341 --> 00:04:42,139 No! Only this morning I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies! 63 00:04:42,347 --> 00:04:45,392 Two horses standing next to each other? 64 00:04:45,642 --> 00:04:48,687 Yes, I suppose it could have been. 65 00:04:48,937 --> 00:04:53,734 I bet you think that sticking your finger up a sheep's bottom 66 00:04:53,942 --> 00:04:56,695 - on Good Friday makes you fertile! - Rubbish! 67 00:04:56,904 --> 00:04:59,406 - Precisely! - It's Easter Monday. 68 00:04:59,656 --> 00:05:03,201 Yes... Remind me not to shake your hand 69 00:05:03,452 --> 00:05:05,537 during the religious festival. 70 00:05:05,746 --> 00:05:10,459 I don't believe it. Who is this Witchsmeller Pursuivant, anyway? 71 00:05:10,667 --> 00:05:13,170 I don't know, but Mistress Scott would. 72 00:05:13,420 --> 00:05:15,505 The old crone with the cat! 73 00:05:15,714 --> 00:05:19,551 The cat! Lovely! But she lives in the village! 74 00:05:19,801 --> 00:05:22,346 - So? - Everyone's dying of the plague! 75 00:05:22,554 --> 00:05:24,598 Yes, that's what the peasants claim. 76 00:05:24,848 --> 00:05:29,561 Any excuse to get off a day's work! 77 00:05:29,978 --> 00:05:30,437 (Moans of agony) 78 00:05:30,687 --> 00:05:36,401 Well, obviously there are some genuine cases. 79 00:05:39,154 --> 00:05:44,159 - Good mornin', Prince Edmund. - Morning, peasant. 80 00:05:44,618 --> 00:05:47,829 - Good morning, Prince Edmund. - Morning, peasant. 81 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:51,041 - Morning, Prince Edmund. - Morning, peasant. 82 00:05:51,291 --> 00:05:55,087 - Shouldn't you disguise yourself? - Hmm? 83 00:05:55,337 --> 00:05:58,590 We don't want someone with a grudge infecting you. 84 00:05:58,799 --> 00:06:02,928 Ah, yes, you're right. 85 00:06:07,015 --> 00:06:10,394 - Morning, stranger. - Morning, friend. 86 00:06:10,644 --> 00:06:14,690 - Morning, stranger. - Morning, friends! 87 00:06:14,940 --> 00:06:17,150 Who is that dark stranger? 88 00:06:17,359 --> 00:06:19,528 Oh, that'll be Prince Edmund. 89 00:06:19,778 --> 00:06:22,281 This way, My Lord. 90 00:06:22,531 --> 00:06:25,617 Yes. 91 00:06:27,035 --> 00:06:29,746 (Bell rings) 92 00:06:29,955 --> 00:06:34,585 Bring out your deeeeaaad! 93 00:06:34,626 --> 00:06:37,462 (Coughing and spluttering) 94 00:06:37,713 --> 00:06:41,758 - You! Where's Mistress Scott? - You've just passed her. 95 00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:43,886 What? 96 00:06:44,136 --> 00:06:46,597 Oh, my God! 97 00:06:46,805 --> 00:06:50,934 And what's that? 98 00:06:51,310 --> 00:06:54,229 The, er, cat, My Lord. 99 00:06:54,479 --> 00:06:57,482 Does anyone know what happened? 100 00:06:57,733 --> 00:07:01,778 No! I don't! 101 00:07:01,945 --> 00:07:05,824 Me neither. I was on the other side of town when we burned her. 102 00:07:06,074 --> 00:07:06,742 Ssh! 103 00:07:06,992 --> 00:07:09,453 You burned her? Why? 104 00:07:09,703 --> 00:07:14,124 - I don't know. - It was because she was a witch! 105 00:07:14,374 --> 00:07:18,712 You burned Mistress Scott for being a witch? Why? 106 00:07:18,962 --> 00:07:21,215 I can't say. It's a secret. 107 00:07:21,465 --> 00:07:25,219 - A secret? Do you know who I am? - A stranger. 108 00:07:25,469 --> 00:07:27,763 Oh, yes. That's right. 109 00:07:27,971 --> 00:07:31,808 - Well, tell me anyway. - No, no, we can't. 110 00:07:32,059 --> 00:07:36,438 Here's why. If you'd been part of a secret committee 111 00:07:36,647 --> 00:07:38,774 to invite the Witchsmeller Pursuivant, 112 00:07:39,024 --> 00:07:43,820 and he'd already burnt four of your friends, would you tell everyone? 113 00:07:44,071 --> 00:07:46,531 No, I suppose I wouldn't. 114 00:07:46,782 --> 00:07:51,912 So... So is it the Witchsmeller Pursuivant who burnt her? 115 00:07:52,162 --> 00:07:54,081 - He's guessed. - He's clever. 116 00:07:54,289 --> 00:07:58,168 They don't call him Clever Jake for nothing, you know. 117 00:07:58,418 --> 00:08:01,380 Well, they don't call me Clever Jake. 118 00:08:01,630 --> 00:08:03,590 Oh, I see. 119 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:07,803 So, what does this witchsmeller man look like? 120 00:08:08,011 --> 00:08:10,681 No one knows, My Lord. No one. 121 00:08:10,889 --> 00:08:15,227 He is a master of disguise who appears only at night. 122 00:08:15,477 --> 00:08:19,398 - That's right. Innit? - I believe so. 123 00:08:19,648 --> 00:08:20,983 Ah, right. 124 00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:25,654 So he won't be around now. Let me tell you something. 125 00:08:25,904 --> 00:08:28,240 If this witchsmeller burnt Mistress Scott... 126 00:08:28,490 --> 00:08:30,450 - And her pussy cat. - Be quiet! 127 00:08:30,659 --> 00:08:34,746 ..then something's wrong with his nose, and I should know. 128 00:08:34,997 --> 00:08:38,166 They don't call me Clever Pete for nothing. 129 00:08:38,375 --> 00:08:40,669 - Jake, My Lord. - What about him? 130 00:08:40,919 --> 00:08:41,962 - Clever Jake. - Where? 131 00:08:42,212 --> 00:08:45,883 - You are Clever Jake. - Oh, yes. 132 00:08:46,133 --> 00:08:50,470 They don't call me Clever Pete at all. 133 00:08:50,721 --> 00:08:53,432 They call me Clever Jake, 134 00:08:53,682 --> 00:08:57,895 and if I were you and I'd asked the witchsmeller into town, 135 00:08:58,145 --> 00:09:00,939 I'd kick the big-nosed bully out again! 136 00:09:01,189 --> 00:09:02,774 What do you say? 137 00:09:02,983 --> 00:09:04,818 I think it's worth serious consideration. 138 00:09:05,068 --> 00:09:05,861 Exactly. 139 00:09:06,111 --> 00:09:07,571 Take Clever Tom's advice 140 00:09:07,779 --> 00:09:11,742 and send him back to the madhouse he came from... 141 00:09:11,992 --> 00:09:13,493 Put those down, Percy. 142 00:09:13,702 --> 00:09:20,250 Come. Mistress Scott is obviously in no state to help us today. 143 00:09:23,003 --> 00:09:26,882 I have two functions - to protect the good... 144 00:09:27,132 --> 00:09:29,426 and to crush the evil. 145 00:09:29,676 --> 00:09:32,221 Watch! 146 00:09:32,304 --> 00:09:33,972 Fascinating! 147 00:09:34,181 --> 00:09:36,975 Absolutely fascinating! 148 00:09:37,184 --> 00:09:41,897 Um...actually you have crushed both eggs, you know? 149 00:09:42,105 --> 00:09:46,568 Some that seem good sometimes proveth to be evil. 150 00:09:46,818 --> 00:09:50,030 My Lords, the Duke of Edinburgh. 151 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,991 Ah, Edmund! Come in! The witchsmeller's arrived! 152 00:09:53,242 --> 00:09:57,955 Oh! Old Big Nose is back, is he? 153 00:09:58,455 --> 00:10:01,625 Oh...hello. 154 00:10:01,875 --> 00:10:06,630 I'm delighted to meet you. I'm one of your greatest admirers. 155 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,715 "Old Big Nose is back"? 156 00:10:08,966 --> 00:10:12,302 Yes, old Big Nose is back. He's in an terrible state. 157 00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:14,555 I was talking to him just now. 158 00:10:14,805 --> 00:10:17,891 He's a great admirer of yours as well. 159 00:10:18,141 --> 00:10:19,977 - Who's this? - Old Big Nose. 160 00:10:20,185 --> 00:10:24,481 In fact, I've been hearing about your work in Taunton. 161 00:10:24,731 --> 00:10:25,691 Imagine that! 162 00:10:25,941 --> 00:10:29,570 Every person there having an affair with the same duck. 163 00:10:29,820 --> 00:10:33,240 The Duck of Taunton was a tragic circumstance. 164 00:10:33,490 --> 00:10:37,244 I hear you very kindly burnt our Mistress S-Scott for us. 165 00:10:37,494 --> 00:10:40,831 Oh, yes...and her pussy cat. 166 00:10:41,081 --> 00:10:45,627 Ah, b-but have you found the chief witch yet? 167 00:10:45,836 --> 00:10:48,255 I fear I may be very close. 168 00:10:48,505 --> 00:10:53,677 Oh! Get the kindling ready. Make sure that stake is well done! 169 00:10:53,927 --> 00:10:54,803 Witchsmeller, 170 00:10:55,053 --> 00:10:59,057 if you do happen to come across someone who's a bit witchy, 171 00:10:59,308 --> 00:11:01,226 how do you prove him guilty? 172 00:11:01,435 --> 00:11:05,314 - By trial or by ordeal. - Ah, ordeal by water? 173 00:11:05,564 --> 00:11:06,440 - By axe. - Oh? 174 00:11:06,690 --> 00:11:10,110 The suspected witch has his head placed upon a block 175 00:11:10,319 --> 00:11:12,321 and an axe aimed at it. 176 00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:16,867 If guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck, so we burn him. 177 00:11:17,075 --> 00:11:21,580 If not guilty, it'll slice his head off! 178 00:11:21,830 --> 00:11:24,041 What a very fair test that is. 179 00:11:24,291 --> 00:11:28,670 Would you like to attempt a less violent test yourself, 180 00:11:28,879 --> 00:11:30,964 by way of demon-stration? 181 00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:32,925 How much less violent? 182 00:11:33,175 --> 00:11:37,846 I place before the suspect a dagger and a crucifix. 183 00:11:38,096 --> 00:11:40,224 - Interesting! - The suspect is blindfolded. 184 00:11:40,474 --> 00:11:44,811 If he picks up the dagger, he is Satan's bedfellow. 185 00:11:45,062 --> 00:11:49,149 Yes! At least take yourself out of the running! 186 00:11:49,358 --> 00:11:52,986 I haven't seen your broomstick recently, Your Highness! 187 00:11:53,237 --> 00:11:57,282 - I'm not so sure about all this. - Oh. 188 00:11:57,532 --> 00:12:03,789 You will all notice how it has suddenly become much darker. 189 00:12:03,997 --> 00:12:07,167 - Choose! - There we are! 190 00:12:07,417 --> 00:12:10,212 How the devil did that happen? 191 00:12:10,462 --> 00:12:14,341 This is the source of evil in your kingdom. 192 00:12:14,591 --> 00:12:17,094 This is your witch! Lucifer's brother! 193 00:12:17,344 --> 00:12:18,845 Hebleebablub! Burn the witch! 194 00:12:19,096 --> 00:12:22,391 I'm not sure I caught the first part. 195 00:12:22,641 --> 00:12:25,978 - Try him. - If that's what you recommend. 196 00:12:26,228 --> 00:12:28,730 Henry, you can't let him do this. 197 00:12:28,981 --> 00:12:31,483 - He's highly thought of! - He's a quack. 198 00:12:31,733 --> 00:12:34,987 - What did you say? - Quack, quack, quack! 199 00:12:35,237 --> 00:12:39,575 You see, My Lord, how the Duck of Taunton lives within him? 200 00:12:39,825 --> 00:12:43,078 Yes, I'm afraid so! Let him be tried tomorrow. 201 00:12:43,287 --> 00:12:47,249 B-But th-this...! 202 00:12:48,417 --> 00:12:52,921 Lords and ladies of England, this court's summoned to adjudge 203 00:12:53,130 --> 00:12:57,801 the most heinous of all crimes - witchcraft! 204 00:12:58,594 --> 00:13:02,681 All the more heinous as the accused is a prince. 205 00:13:02,890 --> 00:13:05,267 Step forward, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh. 206 00:13:05,517 --> 00:13:08,687 - Look at his hair! - His hair proves it. 207 00:13:08,937 --> 00:13:11,732 Who will defend the accused... 208 00:13:11,982 --> 00:13:16,486 and thus condemn himself to certain burning at the stake? 209 00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:18,864 Lord Percy will defend His Royal Highness. 210 00:13:19,114 --> 00:13:22,367 Oh, yes, me. Yes. Hello! 211 00:13:22,618 --> 00:13:24,161 Witch! 212 00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:26,038 - Witch! Witch! - What? 213 00:13:26,288 --> 00:13:29,207 His hair proves it! 214 00:13:29,416 --> 00:13:35,297 Will you force us to listen to a man who may be a witch himself? 215 00:13:35,547 --> 00:13:36,882 You're absolutely right. 216 00:13:37,090 --> 00:13:41,929 That concludes the defence case. Thank you, Lord Percy. 217 00:13:42,137 --> 00:13:43,013 Begin! 218 00:13:43,263 --> 00:13:45,515 Prince Edmund, are you a Christian? 219 00:13:45,766 --> 00:13:47,142 Yes, of course. 220 00:13:47,392 --> 00:13:49,186 Can you say the Lord's Prayer? 221 00:13:49,436 --> 00:13:51,230 I could say it backwards! 222 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,191 Confession! 223 00:13:54,441 --> 00:13:57,527 Edmund, I believe you have a pussy cat. 224 00:13:57,736 --> 00:13:58,737 Yes. 225 00:13:58,987 --> 00:14:01,865 - Oh! It's name is Bubbles? - Right. 226 00:14:02,115 --> 00:14:07,579 Or to give it its full name - Beelzebubbles! 227 00:14:08,038 --> 00:14:09,581 Do you deny that you were seen 228 00:14:09,831 --> 00:14:11,917 on the feast of Saint Jacob the Turgid 229 00:14:12,167 --> 00:14:14,503 speaking to little Bubbles? 230 00:14:14,753 --> 00:14:17,089 - Of course I deny it! - A-Ah! 231 00:14:17,297 --> 00:14:20,634 But the chambermaid, Mary, heard you say, 232 00:14:20,884 --> 00:14:24,137 "Hello, Bubbles. Would you like some milk?" 233 00:14:24,388 --> 00:14:27,182 - Well, I might have said that. - Ah! 234 00:14:27,432 --> 00:14:30,561 - (All) Ah! - What did you mean by it? 235 00:14:30,811 --> 00:14:33,897 I meant "Would the cat like some milk?" 236 00:14:34,106 --> 00:14:37,401 - Milk? - I meant milk, bloody milk! 237 00:14:37,651 --> 00:14:40,988 Bloody milk! A mixture of milk and blood! 238 00:14:41,238 --> 00:14:45,659 - No, no, just milk. - The blood was to come later! 239 00:14:45,867 --> 00:14:47,369 There wasn't any blood! 240 00:14:47,619 --> 00:14:51,164 So you had to make do with milk! 241 00:14:51,415 --> 00:14:53,166 (Screaming) 242 00:14:53,417 --> 00:14:57,212 My Lord, you have a horse called Black Satin? 243 00:14:57,421 --> 00:14:58,422 Yes. 244 00:14:58,672 --> 00:15:01,341 Do you confess that on the 13th day of Norristide 245 00:15:01,550 --> 00:15:03,510 you said to this horse, and I quote, 246 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,221 "Satin, would you like some carrots?" 247 00:15:06,471 --> 00:15:09,433 I might have done. He likes carrots. 248 00:15:09,683 --> 00:15:11,643 Carrots? 249 00:15:11,894 --> 00:15:13,103 Ye-es, carrots. 250 00:15:13,353 --> 00:15:16,064 Ladies and gentlemen, we all know 251 00:15:16,315 --> 00:15:19,484 that carrots are the devil's favourite food! 252 00:15:19,735 --> 00:15:22,571 No, no, we don't. No, we don't. 253 00:15:22,821 --> 00:15:28,410 If the devil likes carrots, why isn't it mentioned in the Bible? 254 00:15:28,660 --> 00:15:29,870 Why doesn't it say, 255 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:34,958 "A-And he took the Lord up to the top of an high mountain 256 00:15:35,208 --> 00:15:36,835 "and offered him a carrot"? 257 00:15:37,085 --> 00:15:41,632 Why isn't "Thou shalt not eat carrots" in the Ten Commandments? 258 00:15:41,882 --> 00:15:46,511 It is! In the appendix to the Apocrypha - 259 00:15:46,762 --> 00:15:49,890 "And the Lord said unto the children, 260 00:15:50,140 --> 00:15:53,602 "'Neither shalt thou eat the fruit of the tree 261 00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:56,939 "'that is known as the carrot tree.'" 262 00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,649 Carrots don't grow on trees. 263 00:15:58,899 --> 00:16:03,737 Oh, really? How did you get to know so much about carrots? 264 00:16:03,987 --> 00:16:05,197 - Witch! - Oh! 265 00:16:05,447 --> 00:16:10,035 My Lord, I call my first witness! 266 00:16:10,285 --> 00:16:13,038 (Enthusiastic cheering) 267 00:16:13,288 --> 00:16:18,961 Now, Satin, just relax, you're amongst friends. Good. 268 00:16:19,211 --> 00:16:24,007 Now, tell me in your own words, did you, Satin, 269 00:16:24,258 --> 00:16:26,593 on certain nights last Garethstide, 270 00:16:26,843 --> 00:16:30,847 indulge, albeit I accept, in all innocence, 271 00:16:31,098 --> 00:16:32,683 - in frenzied... - Oh! 272 00:16:32,933 --> 00:16:36,728 - ..naked and obscene... - O-Oh! 273 00:16:36,979 --> 00:16:39,690 ..satanic orgies with your master, 274 00:16:39,940 --> 00:16:43,735 known to you as the Great Grumbledook? 275 00:16:43,986 --> 00:16:46,989 - What? - Silence, Grumbledook! 276 00:16:47,197 --> 00:16:50,826 Satin, you're not replying. He's not replying. 277 00:16:51,034 --> 00:16:54,621 Are we to assume this horse has something to hide? 278 00:16:54,871 --> 00:16:57,082 Either that or he can't talk. 279 00:16:57,332 --> 00:16:58,458 A likely story. 280 00:16:58,709 --> 00:17:01,962 Black Satin, known in the hierarchy of evil 281 00:17:02,212 --> 00:17:04,172 as Black Satin the Loquacious! 282 00:17:04,423 --> 00:17:06,884 Are you the servant of Satan? 283 00:17:07,134 --> 00:17:09,803 (Black Satin neighs) 284 00:17:10,053 --> 00:17:12,347 Was that a yea or a nay? 285 00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:17,019 It was a "nay", My Lord, but I don't believe a word of it. 286 00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:21,940 He may think he can fool us, but we have ways of making him talk! 287 00:17:22,190 --> 00:17:24,109 (Cheering) 288 00:17:24,359 --> 00:17:28,238 Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch. 289 00:17:28,447 --> 00:17:29,698 I'm not a witch! 290 00:17:29,948 --> 00:17:33,577 Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber. 291 00:17:33,827 --> 00:17:38,373 Mother, I beg of you, use whatever power you have to help me. 292 00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:41,043 I haven't had any power for years. 293 00:17:41,251 --> 00:17:45,923 No, b-but Father's sick! You must do something, otherwise... 294 00:17:46,173 --> 00:17:50,469 - Otherwise what? - Well, otherwise I'll be burnt! 295 00:17:50,719 --> 00:17:55,349 - Oh, yes. This would be a pity. - Oh, thanks! 296 00:17:55,599 --> 00:17:59,686 I'll see if I can sort out something. 297 00:17:59,937 --> 00:18:04,483 My Lord, I had an idea how to get out of this. 298 00:18:04,691 --> 00:18:05,567 Yes? 299 00:18:05,817 --> 00:18:10,781 Send for the greatest lawyers in the land and they could save you. 300 00:18:11,031 --> 00:18:12,532 Brilliant! Contact them at once. 301 00:18:12,783 --> 00:18:14,576 I've already done it, My Lord! 302 00:18:14,826 --> 00:18:20,040 (Edmund) Oh, Percy, thank you! A-Are those the letters? 303 00:18:20,249 --> 00:18:21,333 Um...yes! 304 00:18:21,583 --> 00:18:25,963 - Well, read them. - Um...er...very well. 305 00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:30,342 This is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset. 306 00:18:30,592 --> 00:18:36,098 "What you ask is against reason and God." 307 00:18:36,348 --> 00:18:38,809 "I spit on you and your master 308 00:18:39,059 --> 00:18:41,603 "and look forward to passing water 309 00:18:41,812 --> 00:18:46,817 "over both your graves as you lay dead." 310 00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:51,321 - What does that one say? - It's from John Watts. 311 00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:52,781 Stinker Watts! 312 00:18:53,031 --> 00:18:57,202 "Dear Percy, I remember yourself and Prince Edmund at school, 313 00:18:57,452 --> 00:18:59,663 "and so was interested by your letter..." 314 00:18:59,913 --> 00:19:00,747 Yes? 315 00:19:00,998 --> 00:19:04,668 "May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts." 316 00:19:04,918 --> 00:19:08,589 Oh, no! I'm doomed! 317 00:19:08,839 --> 00:19:14,052 Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail. 318 00:19:14,261 --> 00:19:15,721 - What is it? - Well... 319 00:19:15,971 --> 00:19:19,474 My wife would like you to come for dinner tonight. 320 00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:20,976 - No, thanks. - Why not? 321 00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:23,353 Well, the food tastes like manure 322 00:19:23,604 --> 00:19:26,064 and I find you both very boring. 323 00:19:26,315 --> 00:19:30,736 Oh, fair enough. How about next Thursday, then? 324 00:19:30,986 --> 00:19:34,281 Um...yeah, that's lovely, yeah. About half eight? 325 00:19:34,531 --> 00:19:35,782 Yeah. Be there. 326 00:19:36,033 --> 00:19:42,623 Brilliant! Well done, Baldrick. Very cunning. 327 00:19:43,123 --> 00:19:48,128 You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings. 328 00:19:48,337 --> 00:19:51,089 Anyway, how's that eagle of yours? 329 00:19:51,298 --> 00:19:55,594 Oh, fine. Mind you, I had a bit of trouble to start with, 330 00:19:55,844 --> 00:19:58,764 but now I've clipped its wings, no problem. 331 00:19:59,014 --> 00:20:05,103 Tomorrow I shall not be so meek. (Chortles) 332 00:20:06,355 --> 00:20:10,609 (Booing and hissing) 333 00:20:10,984 --> 00:20:15,489 My Lord, unhappily the horse, Blessed Satin the Confessor, 334 00:20:15,739 --> 00:20:17,741 that was to have been a witness today... 335 00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,910 - Yes? - ..cannot be with us. 336 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,829 - Oh, dear. - However, before he died... 337 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,498 You bastard! 338 00:20:24,706 --> 00:20:27,668 ..he did make this signed confession. 339 00:20:27,918 --> 00:20:31,630 I'll read it. "I, Black Satin, confess 340 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:36,802 "that my former master, Edmund, is the servant of Satan..." 341 00:20:37,052 --> 00:20:37,928 (Woman) O-O-Oh. 342 00:20:38,178 --> 00:20:42,724 "..and I spoke to him on the matter frequently..." 343 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,309 (Crowd) Oo-ooh! 344 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:51,650 "..over a gallon...a gallon... a gallon of stable boy's blood"! 345 00:20:51,942 --> 00:20:55,571 Dear Lord...this tragic, horrid, nasty 346 00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:58,448 and most evil case draws to an end. 347 00:20:58,699 --> 00:21:01,868 I call my last witness! 348 00:21:02,077 --> 00:21:04,162 (Cheering) 349 00:21:04,413 --> 00:21:07,457 Oh, yes, and what is it? A cow? 350 00:21:07,708 --> 00:21:09,960 A talkative badger? 351 00:21:10,210 --> 00:21:12,546 An easily bribed ant? 352 00:21:12,754 --> 00:21:18,635 - I call...Jane Firkettle! - (All) Hooray! 353 00:21:18,886 --> 00:21:21,138 Can you see that man there? 354 00:21:21,388 --> 00:21:22,931 - Which? - That's him. 355 00:21:23,181 --> 00:21:25,350 'Course I recognise him! 356 00:21:25,559 --> 00:21:27,728 She's seen me on a coin. 357 00:21:27,978 --> 00:21:32,858 Have you or have you not committed sins of the flesh with him? 358 00:21:33,108 --> 00:21:35,235 - I have. - You must be joking! 359 00:21:35,485 --> 00:21:38,822 - To my deepest shame. - And mine! Look at her. 360 00:21:39,072 --> 00:21:41,617 Can you describe these foul deeds? 361 00:21:41,867 --> 00:21:47,581 After we had just kissed once, he transformed into a wild animal. 362 00:21:47,831 --> 00:21:51,835 - Perhaps I do remember you. - Anything else? 363 00:21:52,085 --> 00:21:56,840 Yes, My Lord. Three months later, I was great with child. 364 00:21:57,090 --> 00:21:58,258 For God's sake. 365 00:21:58,508 --> 00:22:02,638 - You bore him a son? - I did. My little Johnny. 366 00:22:02,888 --> 00:22:08,936 Can you see this son of Satan anywhere in this court? 367 00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:16,193 Yes, that's him! 368 00:22:16,401 --> 00:22:21,323 I give you...John Grumbledook! 369 00:22:21,573 --> 00:22:22,950 The hair gives him away! 370 00:22:23,158 --> 00:22:26,119 He doesn't look the slightest bit like me! 371 00:22:26,370 --> 00:22:29,915 My Lord, you have three proofs of witchcraft. 372 00:22:30,123 --> 00:22:32,292 A cat that drinks blood, 373 00:22:32,543 --> 00:22:34,962 a horse that talks, 374 00:22:35,212 --> 00:22:41,385 and a man...who propagates poodles! 375 00:22:41,635 --> 00:22:43,929 These men must burn! 376 00:22:44,179 --> 00:22:48,058 (All) Burn! Burn! Burn! 377 00:22:48,308 --> 00:22:50,894 (Chanting continues) 378 00:22:51,144 --> 00:22:54,106 Silence for the Prince of Wales! 379 00:22:54,356 --> 00:22:59,278 The verdict is that the accused are found guilty of witchcraft. 380 00:22:59,486 --> 00:23:04,741 The maximum penalty the law allows is that you be burned to death. 381 00:23:04,992 --> 00:23:09,580 However, in view of your previous good background, 382 00:23:09,830 --> 00:23:12,207 I am disposed to be lenient. 383 00:23:12,457 --> 00:23:17,588 Therefore, I sentence you to be burned alive! 384 00:23:18,088 --> 00:23:19,631 Do you have anything to say? 385 00:23:19,882 --> 00:23:22,217 - Yes, I'd like to say something. - Shut up! 386 00:23:22,467 --> 00:23:24,928 And you, Grumbledook? 387 00:23:25,178 --> 00:23:26,388 Yes! 388 00:23:26,638 --> 00:23:29,766 Now! 389 00:23:30,017 --> 00:23:34,187 Brilliant, Baldrick. How you did that, I'll never know! 390 00:23:34,438 --> 00:23:37,274 In...here! 391 00:23:39,401 --> 00:23:44,364 (Thumping and yelling) 392 00:23:45,866 --> 00:23:49,995 You Turkish pigs! 393 00:23:51,038 --> 00:23:54,875 - Percy. - Sorry. 394 00:24:06,887 --> 00:24:10,140 Look, you two, you wouldn't perhaps consider, 395 00:24:10,390 --> 00:24:14,186 for a pretty hefty reward, perhaps letting us... 396 00:24:14,436 --> 00:24:15,771 Escape? 397 00:24:15,979 --> 00:24:17,856 - By dressing up as... - ..washerwomen? 398 00:24:18,106 --> 00:24:22,527 - And carrying us out in... - ..three large laundry baskets? 399 00:24:22,736 --> 00:24:24,863 No, obviously not. 400 00:24:25,113 --> 00:24:29,034 Here comes the wife. 401 00:24:35,165 --> 00:24:38,293 - Hello, Edmund. - Hello, dear. 402 00:24:38,502 --> 00:24:40,837 You look funny! 403 00:24:41,088 --> 00:24:43,632 Yes, I've had all my hair cut off. 404 00:24:43,882 --> 00:24:45,425 Oh, yes, that's it. 405 00:24:45,676 --> 00:24:49,513 Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there? 406 00:24:49,763 --> 00:24:53,183 No. Everyone's looking forward to it. Hello, boys. 407 00:24:53,433 --> 00:24:55,978 (Both) Morning, Your Highness. 408 00:24:56,186 --> 00:24:59,439 I have to go to my room, but in fact... 409 00:24:59,690 --> 00:25:00,607 Yes? 410 00:25:00,857 --> 00:25:03,944 I think I might get a better view from the window. 411 00:25:04,194 --> 00:25:05,404 Oh, great. 412 00:25:05,654 --> 00:25:08,156 Well, I'd better be going. 413 00:25:08,407 --> 00:25:10,284 (Whispering) 414 00:25:10,534 --> 00:25:14,079 Oh, yes, and your mummy asked me to give you this. 415 00:25:14,329 --> 00:25:15,497 Great! What is it? 416 00:25:15,706 --> 00:25:19,376 A knife? A file? A small bucket of water? 417 00:25:19,585 --> 00:25:24,381 - No, silly, it's a dolly! - So it is. So it is. 418 00:25:24,590 --> 00:25:29,219 Great, great. It's just what we needed. 419 00:25:29,428 --> 00:25:32,806 - Goodbye, Edmund. - Goodbye, dear. 420 00:25:33,056 --> 00:25:34,391 Mother? 421 00:25:34,641 --> 00:25:39,062 Yes? Oh, bye-bye, dear. 422 00:25:39,771 --> 00:25:44,109 (Crowd hisses) 423 00:25:49,323 --> 00:25:53,410 This must be one of the most difficult parts of the job. 424 00:25:53,660 --> 00:25:54,620 Yes. 425 00:25:54,828 --> 00:26:00,042 - And for the witch as well. - Of course. 426 00:26:00,334 --> 00:26:02,669 My Lord, I have a cunning plan. 427 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:05,881 Oh, cough off, Baldrick! 428 00:26:06,131 --> 00:26:09,426 I think I might be able to stall him. 429 00:26:09,635 --> 00:26:13,263 Grumbledook, your time has come! Do you wish to confess? 430 00:26:13,472 --> 00:26:15,349 - No. - Very well. 431 00:26:15,599 --> 00:26:18,060 Sorry. Sorry, yes. Yes, I do, in fact. 432 00:26:18,268 --> 00:26:21,063 Confession! 433 00:26:21,980 --> 00:26:26,652 I should like to confess in front of God 434 00:26:26,902 --> 00:26:30,656 and this rather small crowd 435 00:26:30,906 --> 00:26:35,869 that I have occasionally done things wrong. 436 00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:39,498 - Be more specific. - Um...well... 437 00:26:39,748 --> 00:26:44,962 I have erred and strayed like a lost ox. 438 00:26:45,212 --> 00:26:48,006 - Sheep! - Er...sheep. 439 00:26:48,257 --> 00:26:52,970 I have coveted my father's adultery. 440 00:26:53,220 --> 00:26:56,807 - Get on with it! - I-I have not... 441 00:26:57,057 --> 00:27:00,435 not honoured my neighbour's ass. 442 00:27:00,686 --> 00:27:03,480 - Oh, light the fires! - I'm a witch! 443 00:27:03,730 --> 00:27:07,651 Me, too! (Crowd cheers) 444 00:27:07,901 --> 00:27:11,697 (Crowd) Burn! Burn! Burn! 445 00:27:11,947 --> 00:27:14,116 Oh, damn! 446 00:27:14,366 --> 00:27:18,579 I'm not even comfortable. 447 00:27:22,374 --> 00:27:23,959 Argh! 448 00:27:24,209 --> 00:27:26,837 How fast this heat travels! 449 00:27:27,045 --> 00:27:30,799 Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it? 450 00:27:31,049 --> 00:27:35,971 I feel...as if I am...on fi-i-ire! 451 00:27:36,221 --> 00:27:41,184 I know. I'm rather regretting my choice of undergarments as well. 452 00:27:41,435 --> 00:27:44,897 I'm burning! I'm burning! 453 00:27:45,147 --> 00:27:46,148 I'm burning! 454 00:27:46,398 --> 00:27:52,487 Yes, but I bet you're glad of that cloak in the winter. 455 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,157 Good Lord! 456 00:27:55,365 --> 00:27:57,993 A-A-Argh! 457 00:27:58,201 --> 00:28:02,039 A-Argh! 458 00:28:04,791 --> 00:28:08,045 Oh! Well done, Baldrick. 459 00:28:08,295 --> 00:28:12,591 Yes, that was a close shave. 460 00:28:13,133 --> 00:28:17,012 Thank you, Baldrick. 461 00:28:25,771 --> 00:28:28,106 Morning, my love! 462 00:28:28,357 --> 00:28:30,734 Ah, morning, dear. 463 00:28:30,984 --> 00:28:35,364 - Morning, Princess. - Good morning. 464 00:28:35,572 --> 00:28:37,366 What's going on out there? 465 00:28:37,616 --> 00:28:41,036 Uncle Harry was going to burn Edmund alive... 466 00:28:41,286 --> 00:28:43,413 Darling? Tch, tch, tch. 467 00:28:43,664 --> 00:28:49,086 - It's all sorted out now. - Oh, good, good. 468 00:28:53,966 --> 00:28:57,594 # The sound of hoofbeats cross the glade 469 00:28:57,844 --> 00:29:01,640 # Good folk, lock up your son and daughter 470 00:29:01,848 --> 00:29:05,644 # Beware the deadly flashing blade 471 00:29:05,852 --> 00:29:09,106 # Unless you want to end up shorter 472 00:29:09,356 --> 00:29:13,235 # Black Adder, Black Adder 473 00:29:13,485 --> 00:29:17,281 # He rides a pitch-black steed 474 00:29:17,531 --> 00:29:21,451 # Black Adder, Black Adder 475 00:29:21,660 --> 00:29:25,622 # He's very bad indeed 476 00:29:25,873 --> 00:29:29,835 # Black his gloves of finest mole 477 00:29:30,085 --> 00:29:33,881 # Black his codpiece made of metal 478 00:29:34,131 --> 00:29:37,926 # His horse is blacker than a vole 479 00:29:38,135 --> 00:29:41,805 # His pot is blacker than his kettle 480 00:29:42,014 --> 00:29:45,517 # Black Adder, Black Adder 481 00:29:45,767 --> 00:29:49,354 # With many a cunning plan 482 00:29:49,605 --> 00:29:53,692 # Black Adder, Black Adder 483 00:29:53,901 --> 00:29:58,113 # You horrid little man! # 484 00:29:58,196 --> 00:30:02,826 (Percy) I said he shouldn't have burnt that cat.