1 00:00:21,706 --> 00:00:26,545 (Woman) Noble Prince, your secret note of love has won my heart. 2 00:00:26,795 --> 00:00:31,550 The castle of my body is yours, by right of conquest. 3 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:36,847 Come, let your tongue dive into the moat of my mouth, 4 00:00:37,097 --> 00:00:42,060 let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies. 5 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:47,732 For I'm yours, and yours alone. 6 00:00:47,983 --> 00:00:49,401 And I'm yours. 7 00:00:49,609 --> 00:00:52,696 Urgh! Edmund! I thought you your brother. 8 00:00:52,946 --> 00:00:55,615 Uh, uh, uh, aaaagh! (Falls to the ground) 9 00:00:55,866 --> 00:00:59,244 (Dogs bark ferociously) 10 00:02:05,810 --> 00:02:10,273 The Swiss are always cowards. (Drums beat) 11 00:02:10,524 --> 00:02:14,110 My Lord, good news. The Swiss have invaded France. 12 00:02:14,361 --> 00:02:15,987 Excellent! 13 00:02:16,238 --> 00:02:20,867 Wessex, while they're away, take 10,000 troops and pillage Geneva. 14 00:02:21,117 --> 00:02:23,328 But the Swiss are our allies. 15 00:02:23,578 --> 00:02:27,791 Well, get them to dress up as Germans, will you? 16 00:02:28,041 --> 00:02:31,419 Remind me to send flowers to the King of France, 17 00:02:31,628 --> 00:02:32,879 in sympathy for his son. 18 00:02:33,129 --> 00:02:35,340 - The one you had murdered? - Yes. 19 00:02:35,549 --> 00:02:36,883 (Harry) Father! 20 00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:40,554 - My Lord.. - Will you get away from me! 21 00:02:40,804 --> 00:02:44,850 Ha, ha, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy. 22 00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:48,186 But you know where the real secret of diplomacy lies? 23 00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:50,647 I don't. But I'd like to know. 24 00:02:50,897 --> 00:02:53,483 There. 25 00:02:53,859 --> 00:02:57,279 I can't imagine anything of any real interest there. 26 00:02:57,529 --> 00:02:59,990 Let me explain. What's that for? 27 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:01,741 A couple of things. 28 00:03:01,992 --> 00:03:03,785 Correct. One of those things is? 29 00:03:04,035 --> 00:03:05,287 Best not mentioned. 30 00:03:05,537 --> 00:03:08,415 Right! And the other is fornication. 31 00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:13,795 Without it, there's no marriage. Without that, there's no diplomacy. 32 00:03:14,045 --> 00:03:15,589 Oh, I see. 33 00:03:15,839 --> 00:03:17,924 Very good. Let me explain further. 34 00:03:18,175 --> 00:03:22,512 I've decided to ally to a nation most threatening to France. 35 00:03:22,762 --> 00:03:26,099 The answer of course is, Chiswick, Spain! 36 00:03:26,349 --> 00:03:30,020 The best way to cement an alliance is marriage. 37 00:03:30,270 --> 00:03:35,317 Therefore I've decided that you shall marry the Spanish Infanta! 38 00:03:35,567 --> 00:03:38,528 (Chiswick) Congratulations. 39 00:03:38,737 --> 00:03:42,616 Actually, I don't think I can. 40 00:03:44,201 --> 00:03:46,453 What? 41 00:03:46,703 --> 00:03:47,495 Why not? 42 00:03:47,746 --> 00:03:49,456 I am already engaged. 43 00:03:49,706 --> 00:03:51,750 What? Who to, boy? 44 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,879 Princess Leia of Hungary, Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg, 45 00:03:56,129 --> 00:03:59,216 and Queen Beowulfa of Iceland and... 46 00:03:59,466 --> 00:04:01,176 Countess Caroline of Luxembourg, 47 00:04:01,426 --> 00:04:03,220 Bertha of Flanders, Bertha of Brussels, 48 00:04:03,470 --> 00:04:07,140 Bernard of Saxe-Coburg and Jezabel of Estonia. 49 00:04:07,390 --> 00:04:09,684 No, no, no, sorry, that should be... 50 00:04:09,893 --> 00:04:14,773 Bertha of Saxe-Coburg... and Jeremy of Estonia. 51 00:04:15,023 --> 00:04:17,859 Damn, damn, damn, damn! 52 00:04:18,109 --> 00:04:23,281 If I haven't got a son to marry her, the whole plan falls apart. 53 00:04:23,490 --> 00:04:26,910 - Your Majesty. - Yes! 54 00:04:26,952 --> 00:04:29,454 You do have another son, My Lord. 55 00:04:29,704 --> 00:04:32,499 What? 56 00:04:32,999 --> 00:04:35,293 My God, of course, you're right. 57 00:04:35,544 --> 00:04:38,171 The slimy one. What's his name? 58 00:04:38,421 --> 00:04:41,049 - Edmund, My Lord. - Yes, Osmond. 59 00:04:41,299 --> 00:04:45,136 - Osmond can marry the Infanta! - (Harry) Excellent idea! 60 00:04:45,387 --> 00:04:46,721 With a Spanish alliance, 61 00:04:46,930 --> 00:04:50,392 we can massacre both the Swiss and the French. 62 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:51,518 (Men) Hurrah! 63 00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:54,896 By dividing their forces into two! 64 00:04:55,146 --> 00:05:00,777 Preferably their top halves from their bottom halves! 65 00:05:07,492 --> 00:05:09,369 Ow. 66 00:05:09,619 --> 00:05:14,457 - Morning, My Lord. - Morning. 67 00:05:15,625 --> 00:05:17,169 What's happened to your neck? 68 00:05:17,419 --> 00:05:19,754 Huh? 69 00:05:19,963 --> 00:05:22,549 Er, w-w-w-well... 70 00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,926 They're love bites, actually. 71 00:05:25,177 --> 00:05:27,721 Look more like dog bites to me. 72 00:05:27,971 --> 00:05:29,181 (Nervous giggle) 73 00:05:29,431 --> 00:05:33,810 Well, yes, she was...a bit of an animal. 74 00:05:34,060 --> 00:05:36,813 - Oh, yes. - Fight to the death, eh? 75 00:05:37,063 --> 00:05:40,192 Yes. As my tutor, Old Bubble Face, used to say, 76 00:05:40,442 --> 00:05:42,194 "Make love and be merry, 77 00:05:42,444 --> 00:05:47,324 "for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease." 78 00:05:47,407 --> 00:05:48,283 (Edmund laughs) 79 00:05:48,533 --> 00:05:50,785 I'd swear those were dog bites. 80 00:05:50,994 --> 00:05:53,079 They are not dog bites! 81 00:05:53,330 --> 00:05:55,415 She was very attractive. 82 00:05:55,665 --> 00:05:58,043 Yeah, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes. 83 00:05:58,293 --> 00:06:01,796 No, Baldrick. It was a woman. 84 00:06:02,047 --> 00:06:03,507 Fair enough, My Lord. 85 00:06:03,715 --> 00:06:08,470 Right, now that's sorted out. 86 00:06:09,387 --> 00:06:14,309 Percy, what are we up to today? 87 00:06:15,894 --> 00:06:17,354 Well, My Lord... 88 00:06:17,604 --> 00:06:21,107 First I thought that you and I... 89 00:06:21,358 --> 00:06:23,568 might get out a couple of prisoners... 90 00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:26,488 Actually, they look rather like dog bites. 91 00:06:26,738 --> 00:06:29,866 All right, they are. I got bitten by a dog. 92 00:06:30,116 --> 00:06:33,203 A woman pushed me off a rampart, finding me hideously ugly, 93 00:06:33,453 --> 00:06:36,623 and I got ravaged by a rabid dog. Satisfied? 94 00:06:36,873 --> 00:06:39,668 - Yes, My Lord. - Good. Excellent. 95 00:06:39,918 --> 00:06:42,170 Good. Right. 96 00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:43,839 Percy, you were saying? 97 00:06:44,089 --> 00:06:45,340 Right, My Lord. 98 00:06:45,590 --> 00:06:47,425 We might... So it wasn't a woman? 99 00:06:47,676 --> 00:06:50,262 No, a dog, a dog, a bloody great dog! 100 00:06:50,512 --> 00:06:52,264 (Barks madly) 101 00:06:52,514 --> 00:06:53,723 Right, My Lord. 102 00:06:53,974 --> 00:06:55,559 Harry gets all the women. 103 00:06:55,809 --> 00:06:59,771 Shut up. I never want to hear women mentioned in my company again. 104 00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:02,649 - And dogs? - Or dogs. Shut up, you. 105 00:07:02,858 --> 00:07:04,860 I never want to see a woman again. 106 00:07:05,110 --> 00:07:07,863 If a woman wants to talk to me, warn her. 107 00:07:08,113 --> 00:07:11,575 The Black Adder is a venomous reptile 108 00:07:11,783 --> 00:07:14,035 and women are his prey. 109 00:07:14,286 --> 00:07:15,495 (Knock at door) 110 00:07:15,704 --> 00:07:17,956 Enter! If you're a woman, 111 00:07:18,206 --> 00:07:20,667 prepare to be thrown out of the window. 112 00:07:20,917 --> 00:07:24,588 My Lord, I bring a message. 113 00:07:24,838 --> 00:07:26,882 Yes, obviously. You're a messenger. 114 00:07:27,132 --> 00:07:31,469 You're engaged to be married to the Infanta Maria of Spain. 115 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:32,512 What? 116 00:07:32,762 --> 00:07:35,182 My Lord, I bring a message. You are... 117 00:07:35,432 --> 00:07:36,892 Yes, yes, yes. 118 00:07:37,142 --> 00:07:38,935 Ah. 119 00:07:39,186 --> 00:07:47,194 Go on, get out. Get, get out, out, out! 120 00:07:49,905 --> 00:07:53,200 - Well, boys, did you hear that? - (Baldrick) Mmm. 121 00:07:53,450 --> 00:07:57,037 I am to marry the Infanta of Spain. 122 00:07:57,287 --> 00:07:59,789 Yes, My Lord. Shall I go and tell her? 123 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,208 What? 124 00:08:01,458 --> 00:08:03,710 The Black Adder is a venomous reptile... 125 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,213 No, no, no, no, no! 126 00:08:06,463 --> 00:08:09,007 This is no ordinary woman, Percy. 127 00:08:09,257 --> 00:08:13,595 This is a beautiful royal princess. 128 00:08:13,845 --> 00:08:19,643 Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like. 129 00:08:19,851 --> 00:08:24,523 (Percy and Baldrick howl like dogs) 130 00:08:29,361 --> 00:08:32,239 Ah, bienvenida a nuestro castillo. 131 00:08:32,447 --> 00:08:37,827 Espero que encuentre los deshagues a su satisfaction. 132 00:08:38,703 --> 00:08:40,872 (Laughs nervously) 133 00:08:41,081 --> 00:08:41,915 Hmm? 134 00:08:42,123 --> 00:08:44,042 It's Spanish for "Welcome to our castle, 135 00:08:44,292 --> 00:08:46,545 "I hope the drains are to your satisfaction." 136 00:08:46,795 --> 00:08:50,841 I've jotted it down. Should help break the ice with the Infanta. 137 00:08:51,091 --> 00:08:54,636 I don't think you know the Countess Caroline of Luxembourg. 138 00:08:54,845 --> 00:08:58,849 Er, no, er, how do you do, young lady? 139 00:08:59,099 --> 00:09:03,436 Well, good luck. Er, bienvenue a notre chateau, Caroline... 140 00:09:03,687 --> 00:09:05,647 Luxembourg! Ha! 141 00:09:05,897 --> 00:09:09,317 Have you ever seen anyone so seething with jealousy? 142 00:09:09,568 --> 00:09:11,403 - No. - Seethe, seethe. 143 00:09:11,653 --> 00:09:16,116 If he goes on like that, he'll turn into a seethe. 144 00:09:16,366 --> 00:09:18,159 Baldrick, what are you talking about? 145 00:09:18,410 --> 00:09:19,995 - My Lord. - Yes. 146 00:09:20,203 --> 00:09:23,165 They say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful 147 00:09:23,415 --> 00:09:25,834 than the famous Stone of Galveston. 148 00:09:26,084 --> 00:09:27,919 Mmm! 149 00:09:28,170 --> 00:09:29,129 The what? 150 00:09:29,379 --> 00:09:32,966 The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord. 151 00:09:33,216 --> 00:09:35,594 And...what's that exactly? 152 00:09:35,844 --> 00:09:39,514 Well, it's a famous blue stone 153 00:09:39,764 --> 00:09:44,644 and it comes...from Galveston. 154 00:09:44,895 --> 00:09:48,023 I see. And what about it? 155 00:09:48,231 --> 00:09:51,276 Well, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it. 156 00:09:51,526 --> 00:09:55,071 I see. Have you ever seen this stone? 157 00:09:55,322 --> 00:09:57,532 No. Not as such, My Lord. 158 00:09:57,782 --> 00:10:01,703 But I know people who have and they say it's very blue indeed. 159 00:10:01,912 --> 00:10:04,748 Have these people seen the Infanta's eyes? 160 00:10:04,956 --> 00:10:06,082 I shouldn't think so. 161 00:10:06,333 --> 00:10:09,211 - And neither have you. - No, My Lord. 162 00:10:09,461 --> 00:10:13,256 What you're telling me is that something you have never seen 163 00:10:13,507 --> 00:10:19,513 is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen. 164 00:10:20,931 --> 00:10:21,973 Yes, My Lord. 165 00:10:22,224 --> 00:10:27,145 Percy, you are as much use to me as a hole in the head. 166 00:10:27,395 --> 00:10:31,650 An affliction you must be familiar with, never having had a brain. 167 00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:34,319 - Hello! - Hello. 168 00:10:34,569 --> 00:10:37,864 Here I am, awaiting the arrival of the beautiful, ravishing... 169 00:10:38,114 --> 00:10:38,907 Hello! 170 00:10:39,157 --> 00:10:41,535 Leave me alone, I'm trying to talk to someone. 171 00:10:41,743 --> 00:10:44,704 ..while you're wittering away like a moorhen... 172 00:10:44,955 --> 00:10:46,540 (Lady speaks Spanish) 173 00:10:46,790 --> 00:10:49,292 You are the love of my life, my love. 174 00:10:49,501 --> 00:10:53,213 What? Percy, is this a friend of yours? Someone you... 175 00:10:53,421 --> 00:10:57,926 You are the only one for me. I want to hug and kiss you. 176 00:10:58,176 --> 00:11:00,595 - (Speaks Spanish) - I am the Infanta! 177 00:11:00,846 --> 00:11:03,682 What? No one told me you had a beard. 178 00:11:03,932 --> 00:11:06,017 Must be Jeremy of Estonia. 179 00:11:06,226 --> 00:11:10,605 - Yo soy la Infanta! - Well, absolutely. 180 00:11:11,857 --> 00:11:13,108 Aaah! 181 00:11:13,358 --> 00:11:15,819 (Speaks in Spanish) 182 00:11:16,069 --> 00:11:19,489 I have waited for this moment all of my life. 183 00:11:19,698 --> 00:11:22,492 (Speaks passionately in Spanish) 184 00:11:22,742 --> 00:11:25,495 Your nose is smaller than I expected. 185 00:11:25,745 --> 00:11:30,542 I suffer no similar disappointment. 186 00:11:30,959 --> 00:11:32,627 (Speaks Spanish) 187 00:11:32,878 --> 00:11:34,421 My love, my love. 188 00:11:34,671 --> 00:11:38,300 Mm, mm, mm, mm... 189 00:11:41,970 --> 00:11:46,308 - (Spanish) - Your lips, I like. 190 00:11:46,558 --> 00:11:49,811 (Speaks passionately) 191 00:11:50,061 --> 00:11:55,442 It's the rest of your body I wish to find out more about. 192 00:11:59,196 --> 00:12:01,489 I'll slit their gizzards. 193 00:12:01,740 --> 00:12:03,158 - My Lord, news. - What? 194 00:12:03,366 --> 00:12:05,660 The Spanish Infanta has arrived. 195 00:12:05,911 --> 00:12:07,746 Soon we'll have Spain in our grip. 196 00:12:07,996 --> 00:12:10,874 My Lord, news. The King of France sends his greetings. 197 00:12:11,124 --> 00:12:13,793 Good news. My diplomacy triumphs. 198 00:12:14,044 --> 00:12:16,838 My Lord, news. Lord Wessex is dead. 199 00:12:17,047 --> 00:12:18,924 Ah... 200 00:12:19,132 --> 00:12:21,843 - This news is not good. - Pardon, My Lord. 201 00:12:22,093 --> 00:12:24,179 I like it not. Bring me other news. 202 00:12:24,429 --> 00:12:25,305 Pardon, My Lord. 203 00:12:25,555 --> 00:12:28,725 I like not this news. Bring me some other news. 204 00:12:28,975 --> 00:12:32,562 Yes, My Lord. 205 00:12:34,856 --> 00:12:36,316 My Lord, news. 206 00:12:36,525 --> 00:12:39,569 - Lord Wessex is not dead. - Ah! Good news. 207 00:12:39,819 --> 00:12:42,739 Let there be joy and celebration. 208 00:12:42,989 --> 00:12:44,282 - My Lord. - Yes. 209 00:12:44,533 --> 00:12:49,204 Tell Osmond that to strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow. 210 00:12:49,454 --> 00:12:52,499 Yes, My Lord. 211 00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:54,626 Chiswick! 212 00:12:54,876 --> 00:12:57,921 Fresh horses! 213 00:13:01,132 --> 00:13:05,595 In 24 hours, I'll be married to a walrus. 214 00:13:05,846 --> 00:13:07,347 You can't lock her out. 215 00:13:07,556 --> 00:13:11,184 You may be right. 216 00:13:12,018 --> 00:13:14,771 That should hold her up for at least a minute. 217 00:13:15,021 --> 00:13:16,940 Wait a moment, My Lord. 218 00:13:17,190 --> 00:13:20,777 I may have a plan to get you out of this marriage. 219 00:13:21,027 --> 00:13:24,114 But it's a stupid plan, let's face it. 220 00:13:24,322 --> 00:13:26,199 Oh, well, yes, maybe you're right. 221 00:13:26,449 --> 00:13:28,910 But tell me anyway. 222 00:13:29,119 --> 00:13:31,246 No, I won't bother, My Lord. 223 00:13:31,496 --> 00:13:33,874 Please, tell me what your plan is. 224 00:13:34,124 --> 00:13:38,628 - Please, tell me. - All right. 225 00:13:38,879 --> 00:13:44,384 I go along to the Infanta's room, and tell her you've gone mad. 226 00:13:44,593 --> 00:13:48,847 She comes to the door and you meet her disguised 227 00:13:49,097 --> 00:13:52,684 as a little pig. 228 00:13:52,934 --> 00:13:54,144 Then... 229 00:13:54,352 --> 00:13:55,937 This is the cunning part... 230 00:13:56,188 --> 00:13:59,107 Instead of saying "oink, oink", 231 00:13:59,357 --> 00:14:05,363 you say "mooo". 232 00:14:05,530 --> 00:14:07,532 Then? 233 00:14:07,782 --> 00:14:13,205 Well, then she'll know you're mad and leave. 234 00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:14,122 Ow! 235 00:14:14,372 --> 00:14:15,916 You shouldn't have bothered. 236 00:14:16,166 --> 00:14:18,543 - My Lord? - What? 237 00:14:18,752 --> 00:14:20,795 I also have a plan. 238 00:14:21,046 --> 00:14:22,339 Yes? 239 00:14:22,547 --> 00:14:25,175 Make her think you prefer the company of men. 240 00:14:25,383 --> 00:14:26,885 I do, Baldrick. 241 00:14:27,135 --> 00:14:29,137 No, My Lord, I mean... 242 00:14:29,346 --> 00:14:34,768 the, er, intimate company of men? 243 00:14:37,437 --> 00:14:40,190 You don't mean... 244 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:43,068 like the Earl of Doncaster? 245 00:14:43,318 --> 00:14:46,780 I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster. 246 00:14:47,030 --> 00:14:48,532 That great radish, 247 00:14:48,740 --> 00:14:51,618 that steaming great left-footer. 248 00:14:51,868 --> 00:14:56,623 The Earl of Doncaster has been riding side saddle since he was 17. 249 00:14:56,873 --> 00:14:59,209 Who would marry the Earl of Doncaster? 250 00:14:59,417 --> 00:15:00,794 No one would... 251 00:15:01,044 --> 00:15:03,338 Brilliant! Of course. 252 00:15:03,588 --> 00:15:06,508 No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster. 253 00:15:06,758 --> 00:15:10,428 Except perhaps the Duke of Beaufort. 254 00:15:10,679 --> 00:15:12,305 What are we going to do? 255 00:15:12,556 --> 00:15:14,224 First, get you looking right. 256 00:15:14,474 --> 00:15:18,186 Just need to drape something effeminate around your shoulders. 257 00:15:18,436 --> 00:15:22,607 Either of the Beaufort twins should do. 258 00:15:27,445 --> 00:15:28,488 Right. 259 00:15:28,697 --> 00:15:30,115 Perfect. 260 00:15:30,365 --> 00:15:34,703 All you need to do is practise with Percy. 261 00:15:34,953 --> 00:15:36,872 Practise what? 262 00:15:37,122 --> 00:15:38,874 Presentation, My Lord. 263 00:15:39,124 --> 00:15:42,377 You over here, and, My Lord, just there. 264 00:15:42,627 --> 00:15:44,838 Right, now, Percy, 265 00:15:45,088 --> 00:15:48,383 Lord Edmund is going to try to make himself, er, 266 00:15:48,633 --> 00:15:51,136 attractive to you. 267 00:15:51,386 --> 00:15:52,512 Attractive? 268 00:15:52,762 --> 00:15:55,807 You know, like the Earl of Doncaster. 269 00:15:56,016 --> 00:16:00,437 Good Lord. Oh, well, fair enough. 270 00:16:00,729 --> 00:16:04,399 No, you act normal, I'm the Earl of Doncaster. 271 00:16:04,608 --> 00:16:06,651 That's me. 272 00:16:06,902 --> 00:16:09,404 - Right. - Right. 273 00:16:09,613 --> 00:16:12,240 Go! 274 00:16:37,974 --> 00:16:40,727 Oh, my God, this is impossible. I can't do this. 275 00:16:40,977 --> 00:16:43,271 I've got a couple more things. 276 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,733 Oh, Percy, what am I going to do? 277 00:16:46,983 --> 00:16:49,986 We could try and strike up a conversation. 278 00:16:50,237 --> 00:16:51,738 Ah, right. 279 00:16:51,988 --> 00:16:54,991 Er, hel...hello... 280 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,117 (Effeminate voice) Hello there! 281 00:16:56,326 --> 00:16:58,995 Ah, hello. 282 00:16:59,204 --> 00:17:02,290 - How are you? - I'm fine. 283 00:17:02,541 --> 00:17:05,877 Have you heard? Prince Edmund's going to marry the Infanta. 284 00:17:06,127 --> 00:17:10,757 No, he damn well isn't. Anyone who says I am, gets it. Do you hear me? 285 00:17:11,007 --> 00:17:12,717 (Percy) Oh! Oh! oh! 286 00:17:12,968 --> 00:17:16,012 Yes, that's the kind of thing. 287 00:17:20,767 --> 00:17:24,271 (Fanfare) Look out. Here she comes. 288 00:17:25,856 --> 00:17:28,108 Morning, Doncaster. 289 00:17:28,316 --> 00:17:31,403 Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples. 290 00:17:31,653 --> 00:17:34,030 - What is it? - The King of Naples. 291 00:17:34,281 --> 00:17:35,532 Immediately, My Lord. 292 00:17:35,782 --> 00:17:40,120 (Fanfare) Quick, quick. 293 00:17:40,620 --> 00:17:41,830 Oh, my God. 294 00:17:42,038 --> 00:17:43,123 Ah! 295 00:17:43,373 --> 00:17:46,209 Some, er, lark for the stag party, what? 296 00:17:46,459 --> 00:17:49,462 Er...yes, yes, that's right. 297 00:17:49,671 --> 00:17:52,841 I don't think you've met the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg. 298 00:17:53,091 --> 00:17:56,052 (Very low voice) Er, no, how do you do, Ursula? 299 00:17:56,303 --> 00:17:59,723 I'd like a word about the speech at your wedding. 300 00:17:59,973 --> 00:18:01,933 I'm going for a fruit motif. 301 00:18:02,184 --> 00:18:04,394 - (Very low voice) Er, yes. - Something like, 302 00:18:04,644 --> 00:18:07,939 "It is with exstrawberry pleasure that we welcome you." 303 00:18:08,148 --> 00:18:11,568 "May you be the apple of your husband's eye." 304 00:18:11,818 --> 00:18:16,281 "And may he in turn cherrys you." 305 00:18:16,907 --> 00:18:19,284 - Cherish, you see. - Oh, ha ha. 306 00:18:19,534 --> 00:18:22,662 "Even though it's an oranged marriage." 307 00:18:22,871 --> 00:18:26,374 - (All laugh) - (Harry) What do you think? 308 00:18:26,791 --> 00:18:29,461 (Low voice) Brilliant. Quite, quite brilliant. 309 00:18:29,669 --> 00:18:33,715 I thought it was good. I'm hoping to squeeze in a banana by the end. 310 00:18:33,965 --> 00:18:37,093 Willkommen... 311 00:18:38,553 --> 00:18:42,307 (Fanfare) My Lord, this is it. 312 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:48,313 Mother, for Chrissakes, what do you want? 313 00:18:48,563 --> 00:18:52,317 Oh! Nothing, nothing. 314 00:18:54,528 --> 00:18:57,739 (Fanfare) 315 00:19:00,742 --> 00:19:07,249 It's working, it's working! 316 00:19:07,457 --> 00:19:10,710 (Speaks Spanish) 317 00:19:10,961 --> 00:19:14,923 - I embrace and love you utterly. - What? 318 00:19:15,173 --> 00:19:20,637 (Speaks emotionally) 319 00:19:20,887 --> 00:19:25,058 Oh, what a love, that you dress like a Spanish man to delight me. 320 00:19:25,308 --> 00:19:26,852 Baldrick! 321 00:19:27,102 --> 00:19:30,856 - (Speaks Spanish) - What love, what love! 322 00:19:31,106 --> 00:19:33,483 Baldrick, you fool. 323 00:19:33,692 --> 00:19:35,318 Look at the two lovebirds. 324 00:19:35,569 --> 00:19:38,488 One lovebird and one love-elephant. 325 00:19:38,697 --> 00:19:41,324 It's almost as if they were married already. 326 00:19:41,533 --> 00:19:42,617 What did you say? 327 00:19:42,868 --> 00:19:46,163 It's almost as if you were married already. 328 00:19:46,371 --> 00:19:49,416 That's what I thought you said. Oh! 329 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,168 Ah! Boys. 330 00:19:51,418 --> 00:19:52,419 Yes, My Lord. 331 00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:59,134 - I have another plan. - (Infanta) Oh, uh! 332 00:20:04,139 --> 00:20:08,435 H'yah! 333 00:20:20,614 --> 00:20:24,576 (Inaudible) 334 00:20:32,959 --> 00:20:36,505 Is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying her. 335 00:20:36,755 --> 00:20:39,591 It's only for a couple of days, isn't it? 336 00:20:39,799 --> 00:20:42,761 That's true. Hurry up, Father. 337 00:20:43,011 --> 00:20:45,347 Very well. 338 00:20:45,597 --> 00:20:47,390 We are gathered, Gracious Lord, 339 00:20:47,599 --> 00:20:50,227 to bear witness, at very short notice. 340 00:20:50,477 --> 00:20:51,770 (Woman laughs hysterically) 341 00:20:52,020 --> 00:20:55,065 ..to the marriage of these God-fearing Christians, 342 00:20:55,315 --> 00:21:00,654 Edmund, the Duke of Edinburgh and Tully Applebottom. 343 00:21:00,904 --> 00:21:04,825 - Is that right? - Yes, that's right! 344 00:21:05,075 --> 00:21:06,785 Who ever would have thought it? 345 00:21:06,993 --> 00:21:08,829 The Duke of Edinburgh, 346 00:21:09,037 --> 00:21:12,916 consumed with passion, whisks away little Tully! 347 00:21:13,166 --> 00:21:14,918 (Tully laughs hysterically) 348 00:21:15,168 --> 00:21:17,712 Shut up! Get on with it! 349 00:21:17,963 --> 00:21:22,092 Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh? 350 00:21:22,342 --> 00:21:25,720 No, I'm a bowl of soup. 351 00:21:26,638 --> 00:21:28,431 Come on, hurry up. 352 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,475 And are you Miss Tully Applebottom? 353 00:21:30,725 --> 00:21:31,935 Er, Mrs. 354 00:21:32,185 --> 00:21:33,770 Mrs. 355 00:21:34,020 --> 00:21:35,939 Ah. 356 00:21:36,189 --> 00:21:37,941 Ah. 357 00:21:38,149 --> 00:21:39,234 Ah... 358 00:21:39,484 --> 00:21:43,738 Never mind. Get on with it, Father, come on. 359 00:21:43,989 --> 00:21:44,781 But... 360 00:21:44,990 --> 00:21:48,743 The church's never going to progress if it isn't a bit adaptable. 361 00:21:48,952 --> 00:21:51,079 This is most unusual. 362 00:21:51,329 --> 00:21:54,541 But hasn't the church always dealt with the unusual?? 363 00:21:54,749 --> 00:21:57,002 The miracle with the fishes, for example! 364 00:21:57,252 --> 00:21:59,087 We'll continue. 365 00:21:59,337 --> 00:22:03,508 No one knows any impediment why they may not be joined in holy matrimony. 366 00:22:03,758 --> 00:22:06,720 No. No. No. No. No. No. 367 00:22:06,970 --> 00:22:08,805 Yes! 368 00:22:09,055 --> 00:22:10,432 And you are? 369 00:22:10,682 --> 00:22:12,350 Mr Applebottom. 370 00:22:12,601 --> 00:22:14,519 The father of the bride! 371 00:22:14,769 --> 00:22:17,522 No, the husband of the bride. 372 00:22:17,772 --> 00:22:19,399 This is my husband, Thomas. 373 00:22:19,649 --> 00:22:23,570 Thomas, this is my fiance, the Duke of Edinburgh. 374 00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:26,406 Prince Edmund, this is Thomas. 375 00:22:26,656 --> 00:22:28,700 Er, Thomas, this is Father O'... 376 00:22:28,950 --> 00:22:31,953 Er, Smith. I called about the ducking-stool fund. 377 00:22:32,204 --> 00:22:33,788 Mr Applebottom, I was wondering 378 00:22:34,039 --> 00:22:38,668 whether I could have a temporary arrangement with your good lady. 379 00:22:38,919 --> 00:22:41,755 I only need her for a very short stint. 380 00:22:42,005 --> 00:22:43,256 Get out! 381 00:22:43,465 --> 00:22:46,343 Stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife. 382 00:22:46,593 --> 00:22:48,803 Get out of here! 383 00:22:49,054 --> 00:22:53,308 Oh! That was the Duke of Edinburgh, you know! 384 00:22:53,558 --> 00:22:58,480 No! That'll be the Earl of Doncaster. 385 00:22:58,730 --> 00:23:00,023 (Infanta sighs contently) 386 00:23:00,273 --> 00:23:01,816 (Speaks Spanish) 387 00:23:02,067 --> 00:23:05,195 - Well, this is nice. - Yes. 388 00:23:05,445 --> 00:23:07,614 (Speaks Spanish) 389 00:23:07,822 --> 00:23:10,325 To have a little talk about ladies' things. 390 00:23:10,534 --> 00:23:12,452 (Speaks Spanish) 391 00:23:12,661 --> 00:23:15,330 Just the two of us. 392 00:23:15,539 --> 00:23:19,626 (Speaks Spanish) 393 00:23:19,876 --> 00:23:23,588 Tell me, Mrs Queen, about English men. 394 00:23:23,839 --> 00:23:28,260 Oh, well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know. 395 00:23:28,510 --> 00:23:32,889 And with other men. But, oh, when they do come to the women, 396 00:23:33,139 --> 00:23:34,766 they only want one thing. 397 00:23:34,975 --> 00:23:36,393 (Speaks Spanish) 398 00:23:36,643 --> 00:23:38,228 What is that? 399 00:23:38,478 --> 00:23:43,191 A kind of pudding, made with bread and butter and raisins. 400 00:23:43,441 --> 00:23:46,528 Oh! And of course, the other thing! 401 00:23:46,778 --> 00:23:49,489 (Laughs and speaks Spanish) 402 00:23:50,907 --> 00:23:52,742 And what is the other thing? 403 00:23:52,993 --> 00:23:57,664 - Oh, well, custard. - Crema. 404 00:24:01,209 --> 00:24:03,420 (Speaks Spanish) 405 00:24:03,670 --> 00:24:06,089 Now, Edmund, what he like? 406 00:24:06,339 --> 00:24:09,509 I told you, this pudding. 407 00:24:09,759 --> 00:24:12,637 (Speaks Spanish) 408 00:24:12,846 --> 00:24:16,600 - No, what's he like in bed. - In bed! 409 00:24:16,808 --> 00:24:18,602 In bed, yes. Well... 410 00:24:18,852 --> 00:24:23,398 In bed he likes hot milk with just a little of cinnamon. 411 00:24:23,607 --> 00:24:24,774 No, no, no, no. 412 00:24:25,025 --> 00:24:31,239 What...is...he...like? 413 00:24:31,448 --> 00:24:32,866 Oh, yes. 414 00:24:33,116 --> 00:24:37,662 Well, like a little rabbit, really. 415 00:24:40,916 --> 00:24:42,959 (Speaks Spanish) 416 00:24:44,461 --> 00:24:47,756 Mummy, Mummy, how much I love him. 417 00:24:49,716 --> 00:24:55,889 I'd never have believed my stag party would be like this. 418 00:24:56,431 --> 00:25:01,853 The most depressing night of my life. 419 00:25:02,103 --> 00:25:05,315 At least you can take solace in one thing. 420 00:25:05,565 --> 00:25:06,441 What's that? 421 00:25:06,691 --> 00:25:09,194 We're pretty sure she's a virgin. 422 00:25:09,444 --> 00:25:14,866 At least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. 423 00:25:15,075 --> 00:25:17,869 Or else we might still stand a chance. 424 00:25:18,078 --> 00:25:22,249 Officially, you've still got to be a virgin. 425 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,711 What, My Lord? 426 00:25:27,420 --> 00:25:29,798 Oh! 427 00:25:30,257 --> 00:25:31,883 Oh-oh-oh no. 428 00:25:32,133 --> 00:25:33,760 (Baldrick) No. 429 00:25:34,010 --> 00:25:35,595 No! 430 00:25:35,846 --> 00:25:40,517 Yes! Yes! Yes! 431 00:25:41,226 --> 00:25:43,478 Please, My Lord, I beg you to reconsider. 432 00:25:43,728 --> 00:25:46,690 You know I'd take any other way. 433 00:25:46,940 --> 00:25:48,108 I'll die in there. 434 00:25:48,358 --> 00:25:51,611 Don't worry, we'll give you a hero's funeral. 435 00:25:51,862 --> 00:25:56,324 Bury you at sea, say you died in combat with an enemy vessel. 436 00:25:56,575 --> 00:25:59,911 Right. Now, go on, in you go. 437 00:26:00,162 --> 00:26:03,248 Little boy with big job to do. 438 00:26:03,498 --> 00:26:07,502 Come on, Percy, let's get the King. 439 00:26:14,885 --> 00:26:17,846 (Percy chokes back tears) 440 00:26:21,975 --> 00:26:25,353 (In soft, high voice) Infanta! 441 00:26:25,854 --> 00:26:28,857 Infanta! 442 00:26:29,065 --> 00:26:33,361 (Infanta) Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio. 443 00:26:33,612 --> 00:26:35,572 (Interpreter) Oh, Edmund, my love. 444 00:26:35,780 --> 00:26:39,618 (Infanta makes excited noises) 445 00:26:40,243 --> 00:26:41,995 - My Lord, Your Majesty. - What? 446 00:26:42,245 --> 00:26:43,538 (Excited noises) 447 00:26:43,788 --> 00:26:47,667 - I bring the gravest of news. - What? 448 00:26:47,918 --> 00:26:50,462 Have our armies on the Rhine been slaughtered, 449 00:26:50,712 --> 00:26:54,174 had their heads cut off and cheese poured down their nostrils 450 00:26:54,382 --> 00:26:57,135 - in the traditional Swiss manner? - No, My Lord. 451 00:26:57,385 --> 00:26:59,387 (Infanta speaks passionately) 452 00:26:59,638 --> 00:27:01,181 (Baldrick moans) 453 00:27:01,431 --> 00:27:04,893 (Interpreter) Don't hold back, please, my little one. 454 00:27:05,143 --> 00:27:06,937 Is it the Russian royal family, 455 00:27:07,187 --> 00:27:10,106 mistaken for bison, due to excessive winter clothing, 456 00:27:10,357 --> 00:27:12,317 and hunted down, chopped to pieces, 457 00:27:12,567 --> 00:27:15,654 and eaten as sweets by Mongolian bandits? 458 00:27:15,904 --> 00:27:17,322 No, My Lord. 459 00:27:17,531 --> 00:27:21,535 (Infanta) Ahh-ahh! 460 00:27:21,785 --> 00:27:22,744 What, then? 461 00:27:22,994 --> 00:27:25,205 My Lord, 462 00:27:25,413 --> 00:27:29,000 the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin. 463 00:27:29,209 --> 00:27:30,043 (Infanta) Ahh! 464 00:27:30,252 --> 00:27:32,003 Yes, I know that. 465 00:27:32,212 --> 00:27:33,171 (Infanta groans) Mas! 466 00:27:33,421 --> 00:27:34,381 Her uncle told me. 467 00:27:34,631 --> 00:27:35,841 (Interpreter) Again, please. 468 00:27:36,049 --> 00:27:39,845 That's why he took 500 off the dowry. 469 00:27:39,886 --> 00:27:40,846 But I thought... 470 00:27:41,054 --> 00:27:44,683 Only one of you has to be a virgin. 471 00:27:46,268 --> 00:27:49,145 Anything else? 472 00:28:17,549 --> 00:28:21,303 Dearly beloved, we are gathered together 473 00:28:21,553 --> 00:28:23,722 here in the sight of Our Lord, 474 00:28:23,972 --> 00:28:30,478 to witness the marriage of two God-fearing Christians. 475 00:28:30,729 --> 00:28:33,315 Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh? 476 00:28:33,523 --> 00:28:35,192 Ye-yes, I am. 477 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,194 Are you Maria Escalosa Fiona Infan... 478 00:28:37,402 --> 00:28:44,117 (Speaks impatiently in Spanish) 479 00:28:44,367 --> 00:28:45,994 Stupid person, hurry up, 480 00:28:46,203 --> 00:28:48,955 I wish to entwine him in my broad thighs. 481 00:28:49,164 --> 00:28:53,210 Marriage is an holy state, conceived by God. 482 00:28:53,460 --> 00:28:56,379 - If anyone knows just cause... - (Thinks) Dear Lord, 483 00:28:56,630 --> 00:28:58,840 please help me now. 484 00:28:59,090 --> 00:29:03,428 ..let him speak now or forever hold his peace. 485 00:29:03,637 --> 00:29:05,680 (Thinks) Now's your chance. 486 00:29:05,931 --> 00:29:07,015 So be it. 487 00:29:07,265 --> 00:29:09,726 (Thinks) Oh, thanks a lot. 488 00:29:09,976 --> 00:29:11,478 Come on! 489 00:29:11,728 --> 00:29:13,897 Do you, Edmund Plantaganet, take Maria... 490 00:29:14,147 --> 00:29:16,650 - Usted, Edmundo Plantaganet... - Oh, shut up. 491 00:29:16,900 --> 00:29:19,778 ..to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, 492 00:29:20,028 --> 00:29:21,404 to cherish and to delight, 493 00:29:21,655 --> 00:29:25,700 to chastise and to beat until death... 494 00:29:25,951 --> 00:29:29,204 ..until death do you part. 495 00:29:29,663 --> 00:29:32,415 Speak up! Can't hear a thing here. 496 00:29:32,666 --> 00:29:33,792 I do. 497 00:29:34,042 --> 00:29:35,293 Still can't hear! 498 00:29:35,544 --> 00:29:37,587 I do, I do, I do! 499 00:29:37,838 --> 00:29:41,591 - Do you, Maria Escalosa Infante, - Si, si! 500 00:29:41,842 --> 00:29:44,386 - ..take Edmund Plantagenet... - Yes, yes. 501 00:29:44,594 --> 00:29:46,012 Oh, no! 502 00:29:46,263 --> 00:29:48,807 - I then pronounce you... - Stop! 503 00:29:49,057 --> 00:29:50,183 Christ! 504 00:29:50,392 --> 00:29:54,771 I bring unbelievable news that must halt the wedding. 505 00:29:55,021 --> 00:29:56,398 What? 506 00:29:56,648 --> 00:30:01,278 Have the Swiss and French made sudden peace at a mountain pass, 507 00:30:01,528 --> 00:30:04,197 then forged a clandestine alliance with Spain, 508 00:30:04,447 --> 00:30:06,575 leaving us without friends in Europe, 509 00:30:06,783 --> 00:30:11,746 unless we make an immediate pact with Hungary? 510 00:30:14,332 --> 00:30:15,125 Yes. 511 00:30:15,375 --> 00:30:18,086 As I thought. 512 00:30:18,336 --> 00:30:21,464 Are there any Hungarian Princesses in the castle? 513 00:30:21,715 --> 00:30:24,593 Yes, I think I've got one. Er... 514 00:30:24,843 --> 00:30:27,304 Yes, Princess Leia of Hungary. 515 00:30:27,554 --> 00:30:28,555 What's she like? 516 00:30:28,805 --> 00:30:33,560 Er, Leia is young and beautiful, her eyes are like opals, 517 00:30:33,810 --> 00:30:36,188 her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut. 518 00:30:36,438 --> 00:30:37,480 That sounds all right. 519 00:30:37,731 --> 00:30:38,982 (Speaks Spanish, angrily) 520 00:30:39,232 --> 00:30:41,109 What is happening, please? 521 00:30:41,359 --> 00:30:43,195 Call her into the court. 522 00:30:43,445 --> 00:30:47,949 And as for that great Spanish dumpling there, 523 00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:50,327 get her out of my sight at once! 524 00:30:50,535 --> 00:30:53,622 Or I'll eat her. Argh! 525 00:30:53,872 --> 00:30:55,665 My love, save me. 526 00:30:55,916 --> 00:30:58,084 Sorry, what can I do? Politics. 527 00:30:58,335 --> 00:31:01,213 Come on, come on, come on. Where is she? 528 00:31:01,421 --> 00:31:04,883 Where is Princess Leia? 529 00:31:11,348 --> 00:31:14,809 (King) Ah, good. Good! 530 00:31:15,018 --> 00:31:16,978 Osmond, meet your new wife. 531 00:31:17,229 --> 00:31:18,522 Hello, Edmund. 532 00:31:18,772 --> 00:31:20,148 Hello. 533 00:31:20,398 --> 00:31:22,275 Are we getting married now? 534 00:31:22,526 --> 00:31:24,611 Yes, I believe we are. 535 00:31:24,861 --> 00:31:28,031 Come on, then. 536 00:31:39,376 --> 00:31:42,045 Dearly beloved, 537 00:31:42,254 --> 00:31:47,634 we are gathered here today. 538 00:31:54,391 --> 00:31:56,184 (Edmund) "And so it came to pass 539 00:31:56,434 --> 00:32:00,605 "that the Big Bear had to leave all his friends, 540 00:32:00,856 --> 00:32:04,442 "and go to live in a land far away, 541 00:32:04,651 --> 00:32:08,238 "where the elves and the fairies would look after him, 542 00:32:08,446 --> 00:32:11,408 "until the day that he died." 543 00:32:11,658 --> 00:32:13,368 (Leia) Oh! 544 00:32:13,618 --> 00:32:19,082 That was lovely, Edmund. What a happy story. 545 00:32:19,708 --> 00:32:22,252 Is it time to put the light out? 546 00:32:22,502 --> 00:32:24,629 Yes, my dear, I think it is. 547 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:29,301 It must be at least six o'clock. 548 00:32:30,093 --> 00:32:33,722 # The sound of hoof-beats 'cross the glade 549 00:32:33,972 --> 00:32:37,809 # Good folk, lock up your son and daughter 550 00:32:38,059 --> 00:32:41,563 # Beware the deadly flashing blade 551 00:32:41,813 --> 00:32:45,400 # Unless you want to end up shorter 552 00:32:45,650 --> 00:32:49,488 # Black Adder, Black Adder 553 00:32:49,738 --> 00:32:53,450 # He rides a pitch-black steed 554 00:32:53,700 --> 00:32:57,412 # Black Adder, Black Adder 555 00:32:57,662 --> 00:33:02,292 # He's very bad indeed 556 00:33:02,542 --> 00:33:05,795 # Black, his gloves of finest mole 557 00:33:06,046 --> 00:33:10,091 # Black, his codpiece made of metal 558 00:33:10,342 --> 00:33:14,137 # His horse is blacker than a vole 559 00:33:14,387 --> 00:33:17,766 # His pot is blacker than his kettle 560 00:33:18,016 --> 00:33:21,520 # Black Adder, Black Adder 561 00:33:21,770 --> 00:33:25,398 # With many a cunning plan 562 00:33:25,649 --> 00:33:29,986 # Black Adder, Black Adder 563 00:33:30,195 --> 00:33:35,992 # You horrid little man # 564 00:33:36,243 --> 00:33:39,037 (Leia) Can I have a drink of water, please? 565 00:33:39,287 --> 00:33:42,874 (Edmund) Yes, yes, yes. All right.