1
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:22,291
As the good Lord said:
Love thy neighbour as thyself -

2
00:00:22,499 --> 00:00:28,339
unless he's Turkish,
in which case, kill the bastard!

3
00:00:32,801 --> 00:00:37,431
- Farewell, dear Harry.
- Farewell, Father.

4
00:00:41,810 --> 00:00:45,314
Edward.

5
00:00:58,118 --> 00:01:00,496
My Lord...

6
00:01:00,746 --> 00:01:04,416
- ..with the King gone...
- Hmm?

7
00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:06,335
Of course!

8
00:01:06,585 --> 00:01:10,631
At last, the chance
for some real power!

9
00:01:10,881 --> 00:01:14,802
(Laughs fiendishly)

10
00:01:55,050 --> 00:01:57,970
I want you scum
back to the castle by sundown

11
00:01:58,220 --> 00:02:01,306
or you'll be slaughtered! Onward!

12
00:02:01,557 --> 00:02:03,892
Come on! Come on!
(The sheep bleat)

13
00:02:04,143 --> 00:02:08,480
Shut up! And you can keep quiet -
I've had enough of you.

14
00:02:08,689 --> 00:02:11,817
Shut up!

15
00:02:12,067 --> 00:02:15,362
Right, come on, you...
Where are you going?

16
00:02:15,571 --> 00:02:18,198
Stop! Where are you going?

17
00:02:18,407 --> 00:02:21,410
No, not away from the castle,
towards it!

18
00:02:21,660 --> 00:02:23,412
Shut up!

19
00:02:23,662 --> 00:02:26,498
Splendid! Splendid!
(Bleating)

20
00:02:26,749 --> 00:02:32,546
You're not supposed to be here!
That's far enough. Get out!

21
00:02:34,631 --> 00:02:38,302
If I could get my hands
on that bastard Harry!

22
00:02:38,552 --> 00:02:41,722
(Harry)
Ah, Edmund!

23
00:02:43,057 --> 00:02:46,268
Edmund!

24
00:02:47,811 --> 00:02:52,316
There you are! Splendid news,
Edmund! Father's coming home!

25
00:02:52,566 --> 00:02:57,196
He writes here that
he'll be back by St Leonard's Day.

26
00:02:57,446 --> 00:02:59,907
We can celebrate
both events together.

27
00:03:00,115 --> 00:03:03,702
I shall handle
the visiting royalty, of course,

28
00:03:03,952 --> 00:03:05,579
and the papal legate,

29
00:03:05,829 --> 00:03:08,415
and you can sort out the frolics.

30
00:03:08,666 --> 00:03:10,459
The frolics?

31
00:03:10,709 --> 00:03:15,339
Yes. The morris dancers,
eunuchs and the bearded women.

32
00:03:15,589 --> 00:03:18,092
Traditional
St Leonard's Day entertainments.

33
00:03:18,342 --> 00:03:23,138
Damnation! I won't have enough time
to attend to the drains. Edmund!

34
00:03:23,389 --> 00:03:26,141
You'll have to look into those.

35
00:03:26,392 --> 00:03:28,435
Er...yes...yes.
Fine, fine, I'd be honoured!

36
00:03:28,686 --> 00:03:31,772
Good! You won't let me down?

37
00:03:32,022 --> 00:03:35,651
No, no, no, I'm really
looking forward to it already.

38
00:03:35,901 --> 00:03:37,653
Thank you so very much.

39
00:03:37,903 --> 00:03:40,447
Splendid!

40
00:03:41,407 --> 00:03:43,992
Twelve months of chasing sheep

41
00:03:44,243 --> 00:03:48,997
and straightening
the royal portraits, and now this!

42
00:03:49,248 --> 00:03:50,708
The bastard.

43
00:03:50,958 --> 00:03:53,460
The bastard!

44
00:03:53,669 --> 00:03:57,006
If only he were, My Lord.

45
00:03:57,256 --> 00:03:58,132
What?

46
00:03:58,382 --> 00:04:00,634
If only he were a bastard,
My Lord,

47
00:04:00,884 --> 00:04:02,720
then you would be regent now.

48
00:04:02,970 --> 00:04:06,015
Ah, yes! And then one day...

49
00:04:06,265 --> 00:04:08,642
..you would be king, My Lord.

50
00:04:08,892 --> 00:04:10,185
Ah, yes!

51
00:04:10,394 --> 00:04:12,479
Yes, I would be king.

52
00:04:12,730 --> 00:04:14,440
Then what?

53
00:04:14,690 --> 00:04:17,443
(Both)
You'd rule the world, My Lord!

54
00:04:17,693 --> 00:04:18,986
Precisely!

55
00:04:19,236 --> 00:04:20,904
It's not fair, you know.

56
00:04:21,155 --> 00:04:23,949
Every other woman
in the court has bastards,

57
00:04:24,199 --> 00:04:26,285
but not my mother, oh, no.

58
00:04:26,535 --> 00:04:28,996
She's so pure,
she daren't look down,

59
00:04:29,246 --> 00:04:31,665
in case she notices
her own breasts.

60
00:04:31,915 --> 00:04:37,379
You must be looking forward
to the King's return, Your Majesty.

61
00:04:37,588 --> 00:04:38,380
No.

62
00:04:38,630 --> 00:04:42,718
No, My Lady? But think,
he will come to your chamber

63
00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:45,763
and make mad,
passionate love to you.

64
00:04:46,013 --> 00:04:48,682
Yes. I wish he wouldn't do that.

65
00:04:48,932 --> 00:04:53,395
It's very difficult to sleep
with that kind of thing going on.

66
00:04:53,645 --> 00:04:57,316
Used all night,
like the outside of a sausage roll.

67
00:04:57,566 --> 00:05:02,821
Still, there's the St Leonard's Day
celebrations to look forward to -

68
00:05:03,072 --> 00:05:05,491
the jesters, the jugglers...

69
00:05:05,699 --> 00:05:10,371
A great brown ox, steaming
and smouldering all night long.

70
00:05:10,579 --> 00:05:12,790
Oh, yes! The feast!

71
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:13,874
Sorry?

72
00:05:14,124 --> 00:05:16,669
No, I was thinking
of something else.

73
00:05:16,919 --> 00:05:21,340
I hope they've got
the morris dancers - I love them.

74
00:05:21,590 --> 00:05:24,802
Yes. I like the eunuchs.

75
00:05:25,052 --> 00:05:26,845
Oh, yes!

76
00:05:27,054 --> 00:05:28,889
The eunuchs!

77
00:05:29,098 --> 00:05:31,642
I wish I owned one.

78
00:05:31,892 --> 00:05:34,144
I wish I'd married one.

79
00:05:34,395 --> 00:05:39,274
No, fine, fine. Could have happened
to anyone. Never mind, never mind.

80
00:05:39,525 --> 00:05:41,193
Oh, God.

81
00:05:41,443 --> 00:05:44,113
I don't believe it.

82
00:05:44,363 --> 00:05:48,283
We've only one act,
and she's shaved her beard off.

83
00:05:48,492 --> 00:05:49,660
There's the eunuchs.

84
00:05:49,910 --> 00:05:54,707
Oh, yes - and the amazing
beardless woman. What a line-up!

85
00:05:54,957 --> 00:05:58,043
Percy, there must be someone else!

86
00:05:58,252 --> 00:06:01,296
The Jumping Jews of Jerusalem!

87
00:06:01,547 --> 00:06:03,966
- What do they do?
- They jump, My Lord.

88
00:06:04,174 --> 00:06:05,467
What?

89
00:06:05,718 --> 00:06:08,387
They come in, My Lord,
and they jump.

90
00:06:08,637 --> 00:06:10,556
A lot. It's a humorous act.

91
00:06:10,806 --> 00:06:13,600
There must be
something else, surely.

92
00:06:13,809 --> 00:06:17,146
Ha! What's this?
"The Death Of The Pharaoh."

93
00:06:17,396 --> 00:06:21,734
"Sir Dominic Prick and his
Magnificent Strolling Wooferoonies

94
00:06:21,984 --> 00:06:25,821
"perform the tragic masterpiece
The Death Of The Pharaoh."

95
00:06:26,071 --> 00:06:27,239
How funny!

96
00:06:27,448 --> 00:06:29,241
I found it very moving.

97
00:06:29,450 --> 00:06:33,412
It had better be funny,
or Prick gets his comeuppance!

98
00:06:33,662 --> 00:06:36,957
Jerry Merryweather
and his four chickens?

99
00:06:37,166 --> 00:06:39,335
What do they do? Lay eggs?

100
00:06:39,585 --> 00:06:41,545
Yes, My Lord.

101
00:06:41,795 --> 00:06:46,425
We'll have them.
(Knock at door)

102
00:06:56,477 --> 00:06:58,687
What is it, My Lord?

103
00:06:58,937 --> 00:07:02,608
- The eunuchs have cancelled.
- Oh, dear.

104
00:07:02,858 --> 00:07:06,737
Ha! I should have known!
Never trust a eunuch!

105
00:07:06,987 --> 00:07:08,238
What shall we do?

106
00:07:08,489 --> 00:07:11,325
I know. Baldrick,
give me an execution order.

107
00:07:11,575 --> 00:07:13,952
I'm going to teach them a lesson.

108
00:07:14,161 --> 00:07:20,334
I'll remove whatever extraneous
parts of their bodies still remain!

109
00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:24,713
- My Lord...
- Take that to the Lord Chancellor.

110
00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:26,006
This is desperate!

111
00:07:26,256 --> 00:07:29,426
We could have
the morris dancers, My Lord.

112
00:07:29,635 --> 00:07:33,555
Now, look.
We are not that desperate.

113
00:07:33,806 --> 00:07:37,393
Morris dancing
is the most fatuous entertainment

114
00:07:37,643 --> 00:07:40,896
ever devised by man.
40 effeminate blacksmiths

115
00:07:41,146 --> 00:07:43,941
waving a cloth
they've wiped their noses on!

116
00:07:44,191 --> 00:07:48,237
How it's still going on,
I'll never know.

117
00:07:48,487 --> 00:07:52,449
So...do you want them, or not?

118
00:07:55,619 --> 00:07:59,039
Ah, Edmund.

119
00:08:00,833 --> 00:08:02,710
And rest.

120
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,088
Splendid.
How are the rest coming along?

121
00:08:06,338 --> 00:08:08,674
Very, very well indeed.

122
00:08:08,924 --> 00:08:12,970
Um...I think it's going to have
a slightly...spartan look.

123
00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:14,179
What? Greek?

124
00:08:14,430 --> 00:08:17,349
Er... Yes, that's right,
a Greek look.

125
00:08:17,599 --> 00:08:21,228
- Good. Everyone turning up?
- Oh, absolutely everyone.

126
00:08:21,478 --> 00:08:26,525
So many, in fact, that I'm afraid
I've had to let the eunuchs go.

127
00:08:26,775 --> 00:08:28,902
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

128
00:08:29,111 --> 00:08:29,987
No?

129
00:08:30,237 --> 00:08:33,991
No! That won't do at all!
Not on St Leonard's Day.

130
00:08:34,241 --> 00:08:37,453
Because...correct me
if I'm wrong, Lord Percy -

131
00:08:37,703 --> 00:08:41,623
St Leonard himself was an eunuch.

132
00:08:41,874 --> 00:08:45,961
Ye-e-e-s, that's right.

133
00:08:48,297 --> 00:08:51,717
Well, I thought
it might be more tactful...

134
00:08:51,967 --> 00:08:52,760
No, no.

135
00:08:53,010 --> 00:08:56,889
To leave out the eunuchs on
St Leonard's Day would be like...

136
00:08:57,139 --> 00:09:02,436
leaving out morris dancers
or the bearded women!

137
00:09:02,811 --> 00:09:07,691
Besides, Lord Dougal McAngus,
the supreme commander, is expected

138
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:12,488
and eunuchs
are his particular favourite.

139
00:09:12,738 --> 00:09:15,199
He's Scottish, you see.

140
00:09:15,449 --> 00:09:17,409
Ah.

141
00:09:17,659 --> 00:09:22,748
Well, I'm relying on you, Edmund.
Carry on!

142
00:09:25,209 --> 00:09:27,961
So! Some carrot-faced,
thistle-arsed

143
00:09:28,212 --> 00:09:32,925
Scottish orang-utan
wants a eunuch, does he?

144
00:09:33,175 --> 00:09:36,553
- He's a great warrior.
- That's what they all say.

145
00:09:36,804 --> 00:09:40,307
Barbarians! Half of them
can't even speak English.

146
00:09:40,557 --> 00:09:43,686
- What do they speak?
- It's all Greek to me.

147
00:09:43,936 --> 00:09:45,521
They speak Greek?

148
00:09:45,771 --> 00:09:47,690
No. I mean it sounds like Greek.

149
00:09:47,898 --> 00:09:49,983
Then it probably is.

150
00:09:50,234 --> 00:09:53,237
It's not Greek.

151
00:09:53,487 --> 00:09:55,072
But it sounds like Greek.

152
00:09:55,322 --> 00:10:00,077
"What's not Greek, but sounds like
it?" That's a good one, My Lord.

153
00:10:00,327 --> 00:10:02,621
It's not a brain-teaser, Percy.

154
00:10:02,871 --> 00:10:06,417
I mean, I cannot understand
a word they're saying.

155
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:09,753
You never learned Greek!

156
00:10:10,004 --> 00:10:14,633
Percy...have you ever wondered
what your insides look like?

157
00:10:14,883 --> 00:10:17,219
Sometimes, My Lord, yes.

158
00:10:17,469 --> 00:10:21,807
I'd be willing to satisfy your
curiosity. Is that clear? Is it?

159
00:10:22,016 --> 00:10:24,893
God, this Scotsman's
annoying me already.

160
00:10:25,144 --> 00:10:26,979
I'm the Duke of Edinburgh!

161
00:10:27,229 --> 00:10:29,273
Laird of Roxburgh,
Selkirk and Peebles.

162
00:10:29,523 --> 00:10:32,317
I can make things difficult for him.

163
00:10:32,568 --> 00:10:34,319
As for these entertainments...

164
00:10:34,528 --> 00:10:39,324
Baldrick, you've got a beard.
Get yourself a nice dress.

165
00:10:39,533 --> 00:10:40,617
Great, My Lord!

166
00:10:40,868 --> 00:10:44,663
Percy, you'd better go
get Bernard the bear-baiter.

167
00:10:44,913 --> 00:10:46,665
- Yes.
- Looks like we'll need him.

168
00:10:46,915 --> 00:10:48,625
- Percy.
- Yes, My Lord?

169
00:10:48,876 --> 00:10:51,670
Tell him to bring a bear this time.

170
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:56,925
The improvising
last year was pathetic.

171
00:10:57,634 --> 00:11:01,221
Now, then, Mother.
A toast to Father's return.

172
00:11:01,472 --> 00:11:05,184
(Fanfare)
What the devil...?

173
00:11:05,434 --> 00:11:10,606
- Dougal McAngus!
- Oh, but of course!

174
00:11:17,112 --> 00:11:18,489
Noble Prince of Wales,

175
00:11:18,739 --> 00:11:24,953
McAngus greets you and lays
at your feet the spoils of war.

176
00:11:25,079 --> 00:11:27,915
Oh, sorry, that's my overnight bag.

177
00:11:28,123 --> 00:11:32,169
Behold! Treasures
torn from the torsos of a Turk.

178
00:11:32,419 --> 00:11:36,298
Oh, McAngus! It fills me
with joy and hope to see you.

179
00:11:36,548 --> 00:11:39,051
What news of my father, the King?

180
00:11:39,301 --> 00:11:43,263
He swore he'd be back
for St Leonard's - or die!

181
00:11:43,514 --> 00:11:46,892
God forfend!
We will pray for his safe passage.

182
00:11:47,142 --> 00:11:49,520
Join us. You must be starving.

183
00:11:49,770 --> 00:11:51,730
- And young Lochinvar?
- And him, too.

184
00:11:51,980 --> 00:11:54,775
Come on, Lochinvar!

185
00:12:01,156 --> 00:12:04,034
You must be
the King's wee rumpy-pumpy.

186
00:12:04,284 --> 00:12:07,246
- I am the Queen.
- I've got a message for ye.

187
00:12:07,496 --> 00:12:11,125
- My father sends his regards.
- Do I know him?

188
00:12:11,375 --> 00:12:13,627
I think you could say that.

189
00:12:13,836 --> 00:12:17,506
He's Donald McAngus,
third Duke of Argyll.

190
00:12:17,715 --> 00:12:19,008
Oh!

191
00:12:19,258 --> 00:12:22,094
(Fanfare)
Ah, Edmund!

192
00:12:22,344 --> 00:12:24,847
Edmund is providing
the entertainments.

193
00:12:25,097 --> 00:12:28,100
Ah, the eunuch!

194
00:12:29,309 --> 00:12:31,562
There's a groat for you.

195
00:12:31,812 --> 00:12:35,149
(High-pitched voice)
I am not a eunuch.

196
00:12:35,399 --> 00:12:38,152
- You sound like one.
- I am not a eunuch.

197
00:12:38,402 --> 00:12:40,362
I am the Duke of Edinburgh.

198
00:12:40,612 --> 00:12:42,990
- Oh, you are?
- Yes!

199
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:49,204
Duke of Edinburgh, and as Scottish
as the Queen of England's tits!

200
00:12:49,455 --> 00:12:50,748
No offence.

201
00:12:50,998 --> 00:12:53,667
I'm sorry - you're in my chair.

202
00:12:53,917 --> 00:12:57,129
Don't apologise.

203
00:13:00,090 --> 00:13:03,927
Now we know each other,
I have an announcement.

204
00:13:04,178 --> 00:13:06,138
You're a eunuch as well??

205
00:13:06,347 --> 00:13:09,600
McAngus, as reward
for your deeds in battle,

206
00:13:09,850 --> 00:13:14,521
my father here empowers me to grant
you anything you may desire of me.

207
00:13:14,772 --> 00:13:17,566
If he's got sense,
he'll ask for a haircut.

208
00:13:17,816 --> 00:13:21,862
Brother, I'm honoured.
All I ask is a scrap of land.

209
00:13:22,071 --> 00:13:25,407
Grant me fair Selkirk
and the shire of Roxburgh.

210
00:13:25,657 --> 00:13:28,369
- What?
- By the power vested in me...

211
00:13:28,619 --> 00:13:33,248
Excuse me, I'm sorry to dip
my little fly in your ointment,

212
00:13:33,499 --> 00:13:37,211
but those lands do,
in fact, belong to me.

213
00:13:37,419 --> 00:13:38,754
Yes?

214
00:13:39,004 --> 00:13:42,341
Well...so...perhaps
he'd like to choose somewhere else.

215
00:13:42,591 --> 00:13:43,384
McAngus?

216
00:13:43,634 --> 00:13:45,761
No. I'll have
Roxburgh and Selkirk.

217
00:13:46,011 --> 00:13:47,971
That leaves Peebles!

218
00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:50,516
- Oh, aye! And Peebles.
- But, but...

219
00:13:50,766 --> 00:13:52,226
Trying to say something?

220
00:13:52,476 --> 00:13:55,688
Well, I don't know.
Some people might say,

221
00:13:55,938 --> 00:13:57,690
"What an absurd idea,

222
00:13:57,898 --> 00:14:01,151
"giving away half of Scotland
to a kilted maniac,

223
00:14:01,402 --> 00:14:04,738
"for slaughtering
syphilitic Turks."

224
00:14:05,614 --> 00:14:08,283
Au contraire, I say,

225
00:14:08,534 --> 00:14:10,661
"Let's reward him."

226
00:14:10,911 --> 00:14:15,374
Good, good. So be it.

227
00:14:16,375 --> 00:14:19,920
Hurray!

228
00:14:24,717 --> 00:14:27,344
I'm going to kill him - now!

229
00:14:27,594 --> 00:14:30,347
- Who, My Lord?
- That Scottish weasel.

230
00:14:30,597 --> 00:14:31,557
Why, My Lord?

231
00:14:31,807 --> 00:14:34,268
Because he's
a thieving Scottish weasel.

232
00:14:34,518 --> 00:14:35,769
- How?
- I'll stab him.

233
00:14:35,978 --> 00:14:36,895
Where?

234
00:14:37,146 --> 00:14:40,399
In the Great Hall
and in the bladder.

235
00:14:40,649 --> 00:14:44,737
But...if you do it
in front of everybody,

236
00:14:44,987 --> 00:14:46,905
won't they suspect something?

237
00:14:47,156 --> 00:14:48,449
Yes.

238
00:14:48,657 --> 00:14:50,451
Yes, a drawback.

239
00:14:50,701 --> 00:14:53,662
Yes, perhaps we need something...

240
00:14:53,912 --> 00:14:57,124
a little more cunning...

241
00:14:57,333 --> 00:15:01,503
- I have a cunning plan.
- I have a more cunning one.

242
00:15:01,754 --> 00:15:03,964
- Mine's pretty cunning.
- Not cunning enough.

243
00:15:04,173 --> 00:15:07,426
- Depends on how cunning you mean.
- Damn cunning!

244
00:15:07,676 --> 00:15:08,761
Mine's quite cunning.

245
00:15:08,969 --> 00:15:12,598
Oh, all right,
let's hear what's so damn cunning!

246
00:15:12,806 --> 00:15:15,434
You get him to come with you.

247
00:15:15,684 --> 00:15:20,356
Oh, brilliantly cunning. I ask him
to come, then stab him, perhaps?

248
00:15:20,564 --> 00:15:23,108
- How cunning!
- No, you get a cannon...

249
00:15:23,359 --> 00:15:27,613
I see, and then get him to stick
his head in it and blow it off.

250
00:15:27,863 --> 00:15:30,324
- Yes!
- Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's...

251
00:15:30,532 --> 00:15:32,868
a wonderful idea...

252
00:15:33,118 --> 00:15:37,915
No, I think I have a plan
which will give us a little more...

253
00:15:38,123 --> 00:15:40,000
entertainment.

254
00:15:40,209 --> 00:15:44,672
(He laughs fiendishly)

255
00:16:12,783 --> 00:16:16,161
Aaargh!

256
00:16:24,837 --> 00:16:28,632
(Animal yelps)

257
00:16:56,910 --> 00:17:00,497
(Soft footsteps)

258
00:17:00,748 --> 00:17:04,793
Nnngaaargh!

259
00:17:06,587 --> 00:17:08,589
Can I help ye?

260
00:17:08,839 --> 00:17:11,967
Um, no. No, I'm fine, thank you.

261
00:17:12,217 --> 00:17:15,596
Good.

262
00:17:18,849 --> 00:17:21,477
I'm not in your way
over here, am I?

263
00:17:21,727 --> 00:17:24,063
No.

264
00:17:28,025 --> 00:17:29,985
Oh, there is just one thing.

265
00:17:30,235 --> 00:17:35,657
I wondered if you could
do me a little favour.

266
00:17:36,325 --> 00:17:37,576
Uh-huh?

267
00:17:37,785 --> 00:17:42,373
I wondered if you would help
with the celebrations tonight.

268
00:17:42,623 --> 00:17:44,333
How? By staying away?

269
00:17:44,583 --> 00:17:49,338
(Laughs sheepishly, then screams)

270
00:17:51,924 --> 00:17:54,301
Um... Well...

271
00:17:54,510 --> 00:17:58,931
Thing is, we were hoping
to present a mystery play

272
00:17:59,181 --> 00:18:02,142
by one of our
leading thespianic troupes

273
00:18:02,393 --> 00:18:06,939
but, unfortunately,
one of their number is ill, um...

274
00:18:07,147 --> 00:18:11,777
and I thought you'd be the perfect
person to take his place.

275
00:18:11,985 --> 00:18:15,406
Well, I warn ye...

276
00:18:15,406 --> 00:18:17,199
..I'm no actor.

277
00:18:17,449 --> 00:18:21,662
There shouldn't be
much acting required.

278
00:18:21,912 --> 00:18:25,207
It's an ancient Egyptian piece

279
00:18:25,416 --> 00:18:28,794
called "The Death Of The Scotsman".

280
00:18:29,044 --> 00:18:32,339
I'll have a crack at it.
(Animal yelps)

281
00:18:32,589 --> 00:18:34,216
You could play the Scotsman,

282
00:18:34,466 --> 00:18:38,679
if you like, who dies
at the end of the play.

283
00:18:38,929 --> 00:18:41,557
Acting dead? That I can do.

284
00:18:41,807 --> 00:18:43,976
Yes, well, as I say...

285
00:18:44,226 --> 00:18:48,939
there may not be
much acting required.

286
00:18:52,359 --> 00:18:54,111
(McAngus)
Mind the pit.

287
00:18:54,361 --> 00:18:57,489
Woooorgh!

288
00:18:57,698 --> 00:19:01,201
(Thump, boing, thump, boing)

289
00:19:19,470 --> 00:19:22,598
Percy!

290
00:19:28,854 --> 00:19:31,815
Tall trees! Let's see
those branches waving.

291
00:19:32,066 --> 00:19:33,233
Taller, taller.

292
00:19:33,484 --> 00:19:35,486
Now smaller! Small, small...

293
00:19:35,736 --> 00:19:38,739
Have you made
the necessary changes?

294
00:19:38,989 --> 00:19:41,742
Yes, My Lord.

295
00:19:45,537 --> 00:19:47,748
- McAngus...
- Woooooh!

296
00:19:47,998 --> 00:19:51,752
Meet your murderers.

297
00:19:57,341 --> 00:20:00,511
- # Mi mi mi... #
- How did it go?

298
00:20:00,761 --> 00:20:02,054
Not bad,

299
00:20:02,304 --> 00:20:07,184
but I don't really think
they understood it.

300
00:20:08,811 --> 00:20:12,064
We three are gathered
with most bold intent...

301
00:20:12,314 --> 00:20:16,360
Here, by the banks
of the graceful Nile

302
00:20:16,610 --> 00:20:19,655
where camels ride
and deserts blow...

303
00:20:19,905 --> 00:20:23,075
To spill the blood
of this Scotsman vile.

304
00:20:23,283 --> 00:20:25,911
What's a Scotsman doing in Egypt?

305
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:29,665
I'm not sure,
but they've had good reviews.

306
00:20:29,915 --> 00:20:31,625
See your mother there?

307
00:20:31,875 --> 00:20:37,089
Apparently, my father
and your mother used to...

308
00:20:37,756 --> 00:20:42,177
Don't be absurd. Such activities
are totally beyond my mother.

309
00:20:42,428 --> 00:20:46,724
My father had to tell her
it was a cure for diarrhoea.

310
00:20:46,974 --> 00:20:51,437
Don't you believe it. There are
some letters - they're hot stuff!

311
00:20:51,687 --> 00:20:56,775
I tell you, they cast a wee doubt
over the parenthood of young Harry!

312
00:20:57,026 --> 00:20:59,028
Don't be absurd!

313
00:20:59,236 --> 00:21:00,487
What?

314
00:21:00,738 --> 00:21:02,698
The bagpipe strums. Behold!

315
00:21:02,948 --> 00:21:06,535
This way our victim comes.
For never...

316
00:21:06,785 --> 00:21:09,413
- I'm on!
- Where are these letters?

317
00:21:09,663 --> 00:21:12,249
Hidden away - I'll show you later!

318
00:21:12,499 --> 00:21:16,003
Oh, all right.

319
00:21:17,129 --> 00:21:21,425
Tutankhamen McPherson,
you come not a whit too soon,

320
00:21:21,633 --> 00:21:26,138
for is this not the weather fair,
or this the Ides of June?

321
00:21:26,388 --> 00:21:29,725
(McAngus)
Aye, it is.

322
00:21:29,975 --> 00:21:33,020
What business do you mean?

323
00:21:33,228 --> 00:21:36,023
Quickly! McAngus is going to die!

324
00:21:36,231 --> 00:21:39,360
- Any moment!
- Carrot-faced orang-utan!

325
00:21:39,610 --> 00:21:42,196
- Thieving Scots weasel!
- (Both) Death!

326
00:21:42,446 --> 00:21:44,448
He knows too much!

327
00:21:44,698 --> 00:21:47,076
That is why he must die!

328
00:21:47,326 --> 00:21:50,579
No, he mustn't, he mustn't!
He has vital information.

329
00:21:50,788 --> 00:21:54,458
I've changed my mind.
What am I going to do?

330
00:21:54,667 --> 00:21:57,044
- Stop the show!
- How? How?

331
00:21:57,294 --> 00:21:58,295
Just say "Stop".

332
00:21:58,504 --> 00:22:01,173
What's our reason for stopping it?

333
00:22:01,423 --> 00:22:04,218
The knives are real.
McAngus will die.

334
00:22:04,426 --> 00:22:07,137
No, you bastard!

335
00:22:16,438 --> 00:22:17,606
Stop!

336
00:22:17,856 --> 00:22:21,402
Sorry I'm late.

337
00:22:23,779 --> 00:22:26,907
Aaargh!

338
00:22:34,123 --> 00:22:37,668
Excellent. It's certainly
my mother's handwriting.

339
00:22:37,918 --> 00:22:40,629
- When were these written?
- 1460.

340
00:22:40,879 --> 00:22:43,424
The year my brother was born.

341
00:22:43,674 --> 00:22:49,388
(He laughs fiendishly)
Baldrick! Get in here.

342
00:22:49,388 --> 00:22:53,892
Tell everyone that the
entertainments have been cancelled.

343
00:22:54,101 --> 00:22:56,645
- Why?
- Because I told you to, rat!

344
00:22:56,895 --> 00:22:59,773
- Why have they been cancelled?
- I see.

345
00:22:59,982 --> 00:23:04,403
Tell them I have a very important
announcement to make.

346
00:23:04,653 --> 00:23:06,905
(He laughs fiendishly)

347
00:23:07,156 --> 00:23:11,785
- Do I have to take the dress off?
- Get out!

348
00:23:14,747 --> 00:23:18,625
If you played your cards right,
you could become king.

349
00:23:18,876 --> 00:23:19,918
Yes, one day.

350
00:23:20,169 --> 00:23:23,630
Sooner, maybe. Your father
just charged into Constantinople

351
00:23:23,881 --> 00:23:26,508
and they shut the gates on him.

352
00:23:26,759 --> 00:23:27,760
- No?
- Yes!

353
00:23:28,010 --> 00:23:30,554
10,000 Turks armed with scimitars,

354
00:23:30,804 --> 00:23:34,892
and your father with a fruit knife.

355
00:23:43,692 --> 00:23:45,819
Jerry Merryweather.

356
00:23:46,070 --> 00:23:49,573
Another nail
in the coffin of variety.

357
00:23:49,823 --> 00:23:52,826
I liked Bernard the rabbit-baiter.

358
00:23:53,077 --> 00:23:54,078
Thank you.

359
00:23:54,328 --> 00:23:57,665
Look, Edmund, is this
announcement going to take long?

360
00:23:57,915 --> 00:24:00,084
I haven't seen a eunuch yet.

361
00:24:00,292 --> 00:24:05,839
Don't worry, Harry.
It will soon all be over.

362
00:24:06,006 --> 00:24:10,969
My dear mother, my dear brother,
lords and ladies of the Court.

363
00:24:11,220 --> 00:24:16,058
Today there came into my possession
from the hands, My Lord,

364
00:24:16,308 --> 00:24:18,811
of your faithful servant,
Dougal McAngus

365
00:24:19,061 --> 00:24:24,483
certain letters, certain
rather extraordinary letters

366
00:24:24,692 --> 00:24:28,612
concerning the lineage
of Prince Harry.

367
00:24:28,862 --> 00:24:32,157
Letters? What is
so extraordinary about them?

368
00:24:32,366 --> 00:24:33,659
Letters?

369
00:24:33,909 --> 00:24:40,582
Harry, they were written
by your mother...to your father.

370
00:24:41,834 --> 00:24:46,046
Your father being, of course,
Donald, third Duke of Argyll.

371
00:24:46,296 --> 00:24:48,298
I beg your pardon?

372
00:24:48,549 --> 00:24:52,761
These letters are intimate.
Let me give you an example.

373
00:24:53,012 --> 00:24:56,724
"Arundel, Thursday.
My dear hairy-wairy,

374
00:24:56,974 --> 00:25:00,686
"often, as you sit
at table with my husband,

375
00:25:00,936 --> 00:25:03,355
"probing into affairs of state,

376
00:25:03,564 --> 00:25:06,525
- "I long for you to probe..."
- Edmund!

377
00:25:06,775 --> 00:25:09,778
Are you sure
you know what you're saying?

378
00:25:10,029 --> 00:25:12,990
As sure as Mother was
when she wrote:

379
00:25:13,198 --> 00:25:16,493
"Dear big-boy, sail south.

380
00:25:16,744 --> 00:25:20,456
"As you know, your galleon
is always assured

381
00:25:20,706 --> 00:25:23,459
"a warm welcome in my harbour."

382
00:25:23,709 --> 00:25:27,629
"Big-boy!" Mother!
Do you know about this?

383
00:25:27,838 --> 00:25:31,925
What chance did I have?
I was a little foreign girl.

384
00:25:32,176 --> 00:25:36,597
Then I must renounce the regency
and hie me to a monastery.

385
00:25:36,847 --> 00:25:41,226
Edmund, you shall be Regent
until...your father returns.

386
00:25:41,435 --> 00:25:44,229
- The King will not return.
- What?

387
00:25:44,438 --> 00:25:46,148
Oh, dear.

388
00:25:46,357 --> 00:25:48,067
When McAngus last saw him,

389
00:25:48,275 --> 00:25:50,652
he was facing
half the Turkish army,

390
00:25:50,903 --> 00:25:53,614
armed with
a small piece of cutlery.

391
00:25:53,864 --> 00:25:55,949
So, Percy, if you'd start...

392
00:25:56,158 --> 00:26:00,079
The King is dead.
Long live the King.

393
00:26:00,329 --> 00:26:04,166
(All) The King is dead.
Long live the King.

394
00:26:04,416 --> 00:26:08,587
- Probably dead.
- The King is probably dead.

395
00:26:08,837 --> 00:26:12,257
(All) Long live the King.
The King is probably dead.

396
00:26:12,508 --> 00:26:16,387
Long live the King. The King is...

397
00:26:17,012 --> 00:26:23,060
(All) ..not dead.
Long live the King. Hurray!

398
00:26:23,268 --> 00:26:26,605
Love! Death! War!

399
00:26:26,855 --> 00:26:28,732
Rumpy-pumpy!

400
00:26:28,982 --> 00:26:30,943
Brilliant!

401
00:26:31,151 --> 00:26:33,278
McAngus!

402
00:26:33,529 --> 00:26:37,866
My companion in blood
and most trusted friend!

403
00:26:38,117 --> 00:26:39,660
You made it!

404
00:26:39,868 --> 00:26:45,582
I made it -
thanks to my trusty fruit knife.

405
00:26:52,339 --> 00:26:54,341
Wait a minute.

406
00:26:54,591 --> 00:26:57,052
What's going on here?

407
00:26:57,261 --> 00:26:59,179
Who are you?

408
00:26:59,430 --> 00:27:01,140
He's our son.

409
00:27:01,348 --> 00:27:03,642
What?

410
00:27:03,892 --> 00:27:08,689
Oh, yes, of course... Enid.

411
00:27:08,981 --> 00:27:12,860
My beloved father,
certain letters have come to light

412
00:27:13,110 --> 00:27:16,613
which might change things
a bit around here.

413
00:27:16,822 --> 00:27:18,532
Letters? What letters?

414
00:27:18,741 --> 00:27:22,619
They speak of acts of love
between your wife and Donald,

415
00:27:22,870 --> 00:27:25,289
the Gay Dog of the Glens.

416
00:27:25,497 --> 00:27:29,543
"How I long to be in that kingdom
between saffron sheets,

417
00:27:29,793 --> 00:27:33,088
"where you and your ruler
are the only ruler,

418
00:27:33,297 --> 00:27:36,008
"and then acts of love consummated,

419
00:27:36,216 --> 00:27:39,053
"oh, you enormous Scotsman."
Etc, etc.

420
00:27:39,303 --> 00:27:43,390
These letters are dated
November and December 1460,

421
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:47,311
which, Harry,
in relation to your date of birth,

422
00:27:47,561 --> 00:27:49,563
is precisely nine months...

423
00:27:49,772 --> 00:27:53,734
..after I was born!

424
00:27:54,318 --> 00:27:59,281
But about nine months
before your birth, Edmund.

425
00:27:59,490 --> 00:28:01,325
You!

426
00:28:01,533 --> 00:28:04,411
Yo-o-ou bastard!

427
00:28:04,662 --> 00:28:09,249
I think you're the bastard, Edmund.

428
00:28:09,333 --> 00:28:13,962
Silence! I want an explanation!

429
00:28:14,171 --> 00:28:15,839
My Liege...

430
00:28:16,048 --> 00:28:19,927
the reason I have
gathered you all here today

431
00:28:20,135 --> 00:28:25,557
is to get some proper justice meted
out against this Scottish turd

432
00:28:25,808 --> 00:28:29,687
who has clearly forged
these obviously fake letters.

433
00:28:29,937 --> 00:28:30,813
Let me see!

434
00:28:31,063 --> 00:28:32,606
No! I rip them up,

435
00:28:32,856 --> 00:28:37,444
so no hint
of their filthy slander can remain!

436
00:28:40,948 --> 00:28:45,953
You come, fresh from slaughtering
chocos when their backs were turned

437
00:28:46,203 --> 00:28:49,957
and think you can upset
the harmony of a kingdom?

438
00:28:50,165 --> 00:28:53,669
- I challenge you to a duel!
- To the death!

439
00:28:53,919 --> 00:28:56,338
Um...yes, all right.

440
00:28:56,588 --> 00:29:00,217
Excellent! After all,
it is St Leonard's Day -

441
00:29:00,467 --> 00:29:04,722
there's meant to be
some entertainment!

442
00:29:05,139 --> 00:29:11,186
Good, very good! Take your places.

443
00:29:11,979 --> 00:29:13,564
(He mouths)

444
00:29:13,814 --> 00:29:16,400
It's the old times again, McAngus.

445
00:29:16,650 --> 00:29:20,279
Three Turks and the human kebab!

446
00:29:20,487 --> 00:29:22,531
How could I ever forget!

447
00:29:22,781 --> 00:29:27,911
Very well. Let the killing begin!

448
00:29:46,930 --> 00:29:51,518
Let's see the Black Adder
wriggle out of this one!

449
00:29:51,769 --> 00:29:53,020
What's the hold-up?

450
00:29:53,270 --> 00:29:55,773
Um...I'll give you
everything I own. Everything!

451
00:29:56,023 --> 00:29:57,024
Aha!

452
00:29:57,232 --> 00:29:59,818
I...I'm hardly a rich man...

453
00:30:00,069 --> 00:30:01,987
Hardly a man at all!

454
00:30:02,196 --> 00:30:04,531
But...but...but...

455
00:30:04,782 --> 00:30:07,743
my horse must be
worth 1,000 ducats.

456
00:30:07,951 --> 00:30:11,288
I can sell my wardrobe,
pride of my life.

457
00:30:11,538 --> 00:30:15,250
My swords, my curtains,
my socks and my fighting cocks.

458
00:30:15,501 --> 00:30:17,753
My servants I can live without -

459
00:30:18,003 --> 00:30:20,631
except perhaps he who oils my rack.

460
00:30:20,881 --> 00:30:22,925
And my most intimate treasures -

461
00:30:23,175 --> 00:30:25,594
my collection
of antique cod-pieces,

462
00:30:25,844 --> 00:30:27,846
my wigs for state occasions,

463
00:30:28,097 --> 00:30:30,516
my wigs
for private occasions, and...

464
00:30:30,766 --> 00:30:32,976
for humorous occasions.

465
00:30:33,227 --> 00:30:35,521
My collection of pokers,

466
00:30:35,771 --> 00:30:39,400
my grendle-stretchers,
my ornamental pomfreys

467
00:30:39,650 --> 00:30:45,531
and of course, my autographed
miniature of Judas Iscariot.

468
00:30:46,865 --> 00:30:49,994
(They all laugh)

469
00:30:50,244 --> 00:30:52,955
That's not enough!

470
00:30:53,205 --> 00:30:55,499
Ach, I'm only kidding!

471
00:30:55,708 --> 00:30:58,752
Actually,
I'm quite interested in the wigs.

472
00:30:59,003 --> 00:31:01,797
Never mind!

473
00:31:02,047 --> 00:31:03,757
Ach! Hey!

474
00:31:04,008 --> 00:31:06,301
Hope life doesn't become too dull,

475
00:31:06,510 --> 00:31:10,055
not being able
to pass laws over Scotland.

476
00:31:10,264 --> 00:31:16,854
(Laughs weakly)
I wouldn't pass water over Scotland!

477
00:31:17,062 --> 00:31:19,690
(He mumbles)
I'm fed up!

478
00:31:19,940 --> 00:31:22,860
We're all terribly pleased
you're back, Father.

479
00:31:23,068 --> 00:31:24,236
I'm not.

480
00:31:24,486 --> 00:31:27,573
I miss the smell
of blood in my nostrils.

481
00:31:27,781 --> 00:31:29,533
And the Queen's "got a headache".

482
00:31:29,742 --> 00:31:30,576
Oh, dear.

483
00:31:30,784 --> 00:31:32,828
But it's a fascinating week ahead.

484
00:31:33,078 --> 00:31:34,872
The Archbishop of York

485
00:31:35,122 --> 00:31:38,500
wants you to join
his formation Italian dance class.

486
00:31:38,751 --> 00:31:43,297
- I ought to give him an answer.
- Honest, or tactful??

487
00:31:43,547 --> 00:31:44,631
Tactful.

488
00:31:44,882 --> 00:31:47,634
- Tell him to get stuffed!
- Right.

489
00:31:47,885 --> 00:31:49,678
Has that hooligan McAngus left?

490
00:31:49,928 --> 00:31:53,849
Edmund's giving him
a last look round the castle.

491
00:31:54,058 --> 00:31:56,810
While this...

492
00:31:57,019 --> 00:32:00,606
- I'll be sorry if he goes.
- (McAngus) Interesting!

493
00:32:00,814 --> 00:32:03,984
So will Edmund.
They've become firm friends.

494
00:32:04,234 --> 00:32:06,862
- (Boom)
- The Turks?

495
00:32:07,112 --> 00:32:08,364
The drains!

496
00:32:08,614 --> 00:32:13,285
Father! Harry! There's been a messy
accident. You must come quickly!

497
00:32:13,494 --> 00:32:17,581
Oh, God! I'll get my plunger!

498
00:32:20,209 --> 00:32:23,796
# The sound of hoofbeats
cross the glade

499
00:32:24,046 --> 00:32:27,841
# Good folk,
lock up your son and daughter

500
00:32:28,050 --> 00:32:31,845
# Beware the deadly flashing blade

501
00:32:32,054 --> 00:32:35,307
# Unless you want to end up shorter

502
00:32:35,557 --> 00:32:39,436
# Black Adder, Black Adder

503
00:32:39,687 --> 00:32:43,482
# He rides a pitch-black steed

504
00:32:43,691 --> 00:32:47,695
# Black Adder, Black Adder

505
00:32:47,945 --> 00:32:51,824
# He's very bad indeed

506
00:32:52,074 --> 00:32:56,036
# Black his gloves of finest mole

507
00:32:56,286 --> 00:33:00,124
# Black his codpiece made of metal

508
00:33:00,332 --> 00:33:04,003
# His horse is blacker than a vole

509
00:33:04,211 --> 00:33:07,881
# His pot is blacker
than his kettle

510
00:33:08,090 --> 00:33:11,719
# Black Adder, Black Adder

511
00:33:11,927 --> 00:33:15,556
# With many a cunning plan

512
00:33:15,764 --> 00:33:19,852
# Black Adder, Black Adder

513
00:33:20,102 --> 00:33:25,357
# You horrid little man! #