1 00:00:17,282 --> 00:00:20,327 (Feeble voice) Dying, My Lords? 2 00:00:20,577 --> 00:00:22,704 - Am I dying? - Never! 3 00:00:22,955 --> 00:00:26,166 - Never! - Yet, my son, 4 00:00:26,416 --> 00:00:29,127 to pass away the idle hours till your recovery... 5 00:00:29,378 --> 00:00:30,462 Aargghhh! 6 00:00:30,671 --> 00:00:33,715 ..let us imagine you were to pass away. 7 00:00:33,966 --> 00:00:37,511 To whom would you leave your lands? 8 00:00:37,803 --> 00:00:39,638 To me, of course! 9 00:00:39,888 --> 00:00:44,059 Yes... To my beloved king. 10 00:00:44,268 --> 00:00:48,605 May your filthy soul be prepared for Hell, my son. 11 00:00:48,856 --> 00:00:51,066 - Hell ? - Yes, Hell... 12 00:00:51,316 --> 00:00:53,235 where Satan belches fire 13 00:00:53,485 --> 00:00:57,865 and enormous devils break wind both night and day. 14 00:00:58,115 --> 00:01:02,077 And where the mind is never free from the torments of remorse, 15 00:01:02,327 --> 00:01:06,206 and your bottom never free from the pricking of little forks. 16 00:01:06,456 --> 00:01:09,501 No! Spare me the little forks! 17 00:01:09,751 --> 00:01:11,795 What is this nonsense? 18 00:01:12,045 --> 00:01:16,925 Hell...where the softest bits of your nether regions 19 00:01:17,176 --> 00:01:19,553 are everybody's favourite lunch. 20 00:01:19,803 --> 00:01:21,680 Oh, Christ! 21 00:01:21,930 --> 00:01:26,435 Forgive me, sire. I will change my will 22 00:01:26,685 --> 00:01:30,981 and leave my land to the Church. 23 00:01:31,231 --> 00:01:33,609 What? 24 00:01:34,359 --> 00:01:36,945 Blessed be thy stainless soul! 25 00:01:37,196 --> 00:01:41,909 Ah, you will change your mind later. I know it! 26 00:01:42,159 --> 00:01:45,287 Urgh-h! 27 00:01:46,914 --> 00:01:51,710 I think...not! 28 00:02:33,460 --> 00:02:35,337 (Edmund) Now, Baldrick, what news? 29 00:02:35,546 --> 00:02:39,716 I'm told the Duchess of Gloucester has given birth to goblins. 30 00:02:39,967 --> 00:02:42,302 No, about the Duke of Winchester. 31 00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:45,639 - He's hanging on. - Must be on his last legs. 32 00:02:45,889 --> 00:02:49,142 How many sets of legs has that man got? 33 00:02:49,393 --> 00:02:51,812 I wish he'd make up his mind. 34 00:02:52,020 --> 00:02:56,441 This shilly-shallying is so undignified. 35 00:02:56,817 --> 00:02:59,111 My lord, I come with tragic news. 36 00:02:59,361 --> 00:03:00,946 Died at last, does he? 37 00:03:01,196 --> 00:03:03,824 - Who, My Lord? - Oh, I see! 38 00:03:04,074 --> 00:03:07,953 You ask me what the message is before you tell it to me. 39 00:03:08,203 --> 00:03:10,205 Quite brilliant, I must say! 40 00:03:10,455 --> 00:03:12,958 I was refering to the Duke of Winchester. 41 00:03:13,208 --> 00:03:15,669 Who, My Lord? 42 00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:20,174 Let's try to sort this out in words of one syllable, shall we? 43 00:03:20,382 --> 00:03:22,843 - Someone has died, yes? - Yes, My Lord. 44 00:03:23,093 --> 00:03:25,220 Who is it that has died? 45 00:03:25,470 --> 00:03:27,347 The Archbishop of Canterbury, My Lord. 46 00:03:27,598 --> 00:03:29,808 - Are you a cretin? - Yes, My Lord. 47 00:03:30,058 --> 00:03:32,352 The Archbishop of Canterbury? 48 00:03:32,603 --> 00:03:35,564 Oh, no - the King has done it again. 49 00:03:35,814 --> 00:03:39,526 That's the third this year! How did this one die? 50 00:03:39,776 --> 00:03:41,612 - 'Orribly, My Lord. - Any details? 51 00:03:41,820 --> 00:03:43,989 'Orribly is all I was given. 52 00:03:44,239 --> 00:03:47,034 - There you are! - I come with tragic news. 53 00:03:47,284 --> 00:03:49,578 I've heard it. Will you go away? 54 00:03:49,786 --> 00:03:51,663 Edmund, the Archbishop of Canterbury 55 00:03:51,914 --> 00:03:54,583 has met with a most tragic accident. 56 00:03:54,833 --> 00:03:58,003 I think I've fathomed out how it came about. 57 00:03:58,253 --> 00:04:00,797 I've a pretty shrewd idea myself. 58 00:04:01,048 --> 00:04:04,343 He was coming out of the Duke of Winchester's room. 59 00:04:04,593 --> 00:04:07,638 Who had died, leaving his lands to the Church? 60 00:04:07,888 --> 00:04:09,431 Well, yes. 61 00:04:09,681 --> 00:04:11,850 And so the King was after his blood. 62 00:04:12,059 --> 00:04:16,688 I dare say, but then, round the corner came Sir Tavish Mortimer. 63 00:04:16,897 --> 00:04:18,565 The King's hired killer? 64 00:04:18,815 --> 00:04:21,777 No, that tall fellow with no ears. 65 00:04:21,985 --> 00:04:23,153 That's him. 66 00:04:23,403 --> 00:04:26,657 He rushed towards the Archbishop, head bowed, 67 00:04:26,865 --> 00:04:29,660 in order to receive his blessing... 68 00:04:29,910 --> 00:04:32,704 and, er, unfortunately killed him stone dead. 69 00:04:32,955 --> 00:04:34,081 How? 70 00:04:34,331 --> 00:04:37,167 Mortimer was wearing a Turkish helmet. 71 00:04:37,376 --> 00:04:40,212 Oh, one of those with a two-feet spike. 72 00:04:40,420 --> 00:04:44,174 Normally used for butting enemies and killing them stone dead. 73 00:04:44,383 --> 00:04:48,387 So presumably he'd "forgotten" he was wearing it? 74 00:04:48,637 --> 00:04:52,641 That's exactly what the poor fellow had done. 75 00:04:52,891 --> 00:04:54,017 Tragic! 76 00:04:54,268 --> 00:04:57,729 Ah, yes, almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram 77 00:04:57,938 --> 00:05:01,817 being struck by a falling gargoyle off Beachy Head. 78 00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:06,154 Quite. And nearly as tragic as poor Archbishop Wilfred 79 00:05:06,405 --> 00:05:09,992 falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. 80 00:05:10,242 --> 00:05:14,580 Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways. 81 00:05:14,830 --> 00:05:18,375 I don't know how I'm going to break it to his catamite. 82 00:05:18,584 --> 00:05:22,254 What a tragic accident, My Lord. 83 00:05:22,296 --> 00:05:25,424 Accident, my codling! 84 00:05:25,674 --> 00:05:27,759 (Percy) Who do you think will take over? 85 00:05:28,010 --> 00:05:31,263 One of the bishop fellows, I imagine. 86 00:05:31,513 --> 00:05:33,640 They tend to go for religious types. 87 00:05:33,891 --> 00:05:37,811 Rumour has it, My Lord, the King wants to choose Prince Harry. 88 00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:38,979 Really? 89 00:05:39,229 --> 00:05:42,357 Prince Harry, archbishop, My Lord? 90 00:05:42,608 --> 00:05:46,612 Good Lord! Prince Harry, archbishop! 91 00:05:46,820 --> 00:05:50,699 And we all know what happens to archbishops, don't we? 92 00:05:50,949 --> 00:05:53,076 They go to Canterbury. 93 00:05:53,327 --> 00:05:57,039 No, no, no, no, no, no! 94 00:05:57,122 --> 00:06:00,083 Oh, yes! 95 00:06:00,334 --> 00:06:02,085 Are you sure about your source? 96 00:06:02,294 --> 00:06:03,670 It was Jane Smart - 97 00:06:03,921 --> 00:06:06,882 the one who told me about the chocolate chastity belt. 98 00:06:07,132 --> 00:06:09,593 It was? Blimey! 99 00:06:09,843 --> 00:06:14,139 Well, with Harry gone... 100 00:06:14,973 --> 00:06:20,479 - the Black Adder will be... - (Both) King...Next! 101 00:06:20,729 --> 00:06:24,775 Yes, today could be one of the most important days of my life. 102 00:06:25,025 --> 00:06:28,654 Percy, I shall require splendid garments for the ceremony. 103 00:06:28,862 --> 00:06:32,574 - Certainly. Hat, My Lord? - Trojan, I think. 104 00:06:32,824 --> 00:06:34,201 - Boots? - The Italian. 105 00:06:34,451 --> 00:06:38,038 - And codpiece, My Lord? - Well, let's go... 106 00:06:38,288 --> 00:06:43,001 for the Black Russian, shall we? It terrifies the clergy. 107 00:06:43,252 --> 00:06:47,881 (Braying laughter) 108 00:06:48,131 --> 00:06:52,636 (Organ) 109 00:06:55,556 --> 00:06:57,808 Any news, Baldrick? 110 00:06:58,016 --> 00:07:02,020 Apparently, Lord Wilders is keeping his sheep in his bedroom, 111 00:07:02,271 --> 00:07:04,314 but nothing on the appointment, no. 112 00:07:04,565 --> 00:07:07,067 Fair enough. 113 00:07:11,154 --> 00:07:14,908 - Why are you dressed like this? - Like what, sorry? 114 00:07:15,158 --> 00:07:18,829 Well, this enormous nonsense here. 115 00:07:19,079 --> 00:07:20,873 (Fanfare) 116 00:07:21,123 --> 00:07:24,668 Fingers crossed! 117 00:07:25,752 --> 00:07:29,882 Members of the court and, er...clergy, 118 00:07:30,132 --> 00:07:32,593 I have...at last... 119 00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:37,306 after careful consultation with Lord God, his son, Jesus Christ, 120 00:07:37,556 --> 00:07:41,351 and his insubstantial friend, the Holy Ghost, 121 00:07:41,602 --> 00:07:47,357 decided upon the next archbishop. 122 00:07:47,733 --> 00:07:52,446 May he last longer in his post than his predecessors. 123 00:07:52,654 --> 00:07:55,157 Fat chance! 124 00:07:55,407 --> 00:07:59,745 I appoint to the Holy See of Canterbury 125 00:07:59,995 --> 00:08:03,582 my own son... 126 00:08:04,374 --> 00:08:07,711 ..Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh! 127 00:08:07,961 --> 00:08:10,130 Eeh-h! 128 00:08:10,339 --> 00:08:14,218 Archbishop, we salute thee! 129 00:08:14,426 --> 00:08:19,640 - Congratulations! - D-D-Down! 130 00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:23,101 Oh! 131 00:08:32,319 --> 00:08:36,949 Use both hands. Very good, very good! 132 00:08:37,199 --> 00:08:40,744 Well done, Harry! (Knock) Enter! 133 00:08:40,994 --> 00:08:43,622 Ah, Your Majesty! 134 00:08:43,872 --> 00:08:45,541 Ha! My Lord Archbishop! 135 00:08:45,791 --> 00:08:49,920 There were just a couple of points about my appointment, 136 00:08:50,170 --> 00:08:53,006 - before things are firmed up. - Yes? 137 00:08:53,215 --> 00:08:55,843 - Firstly, could I...? - No, you couldn't. 138 00:08:56,051 --> 00:08:57,427 Fine. And secondly... 139 00:08:57,678 --> 00:09:00,556 Don't be mistaken about this appointment. 140 00:09:00,806 --> 00:09:02,516 I've always despised you. 141 00:09:02,766 --> 00:09:07,938 Well, you are my father, of course. I mean, you're biased. 142 00:09:08,188 --> 00:09:12,234 You, compared to your beloved brother Harry - ha-ha-ha! - 143 00:09:12,484 --> 00:09:14,820 are as excrement compared to cream. 144 00:09:15,070 --> 00:09:17,406 Oh, My Lord, you flatter me! 145 00:09:17,614 --> 00:09:20,033 And me, also. 146 00:09:20,284 --> 00:09:23,579 So when I've at last found a use for you, 147 00:09:23,829 --> 00:09:27,541 - don't try to get out of it. - No, no. Certainly not. 148 00:09:27,791 --> 00:09:30,210 I just wondered whether another man 149 00:09:30,460 --> 00:09:34,631 equally weak-willed and feeble might do just as well. 150 00:09:34,882 --> 00:09:37,092 Ha! There's no such man! 151 00:09:37,342 --> 00:09:40,053 No, of course not. Silly me! 152 00:09:40,304 --> 00:09:45,267 I thought, though, perhaps, someone who believed in God...? 153 00:09:45,517 --> 00:09:49,438 No, if I needed someone who believed in God, 154 00:09:49,688 --> 00:09:51,315 I'd have chosen Harry, 155 00:09:51,565 --> 00:09:54,610 not an embarrassing weed like you. 156 00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:58,363 Oh, well, I think that's everything cleared up. 157 00:09:58,572 --> 00:10:02,993 Goodness! It must be almost time for Evensong. Must go. 158 00:10:03,243 --> 00:10:07,206 Egbert! 159 00:10:08,207 --> 00:10:12,002 Come here. 160 00:10:20,552 --> 00:10:22,846 A word of advice. 161 00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:26,350 If you cross me now...or ever... 162 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,896 I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites. 163 00:10:31,146 --> 00:10:33,065 I don't think that's a good idea! 164 00:10:33,315 --> 00:10:35,526 You understand? 165 00:10:35,734 --> 00:10:40,489 I shall make myself available for all eventualities. 166 00:10:40,781 --> 00:10:44,660 Thank you so much. 167 00:10:52,167 --> 00:10:55,879 Flee! 168 00:10:58,006 --> 00:11:02,886 We've got the thumbscrews, the foot-crusher, the nose-hooks, 169 00:11:03,136 --> 00:11:07,391 those long rods you r-ram... 170 00:11:08,183 --> 00:11:10,727 - Where's the dwarf? - Here, My Lord. 171 00:11:10,978 --> 00:11:12,437 Right, let's go. 172 00:11:12,688 --> 00:11:17,651 - Archbishop! - Aah... 173 00:11:18,777 --> 00:11:22,781 - H-Hail. - Going somewhere? 174 00:11:23,031 --> 00:11:25,742 Um... 175 00:11:26,451 --> 00:11:27,578 Yes. 176 00:11:27,828 --> 00:11:30,372 Where? 177 00:11:30,622 --> 00:11:33,167 To C-Canterbury. 178 00:11:33,375 --> 00:11:37,880 Oh, good! Harry here will accompany you. 179 00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:44,636 I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture. 180 00:11:46,388 --> 00:11:47,764 (The King) Fresh horses! 181 00:11:48,015 --> 00:11:52,477 My Lord, if we're to catch the boat for France, you'll have to hurry. 182 00:11:52,686 --> 00:11:53,937 To France? 183 00:11:54,188 --> 00:11:57,274 Um, are you off to France, Percy? 184 00:11:57,524 --> 00:11:59,359 I thought we all were. 185 00:11:59,568 --> 00:12:05,908 No, no. Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry? 186 00:12:06,617 --> 00:12:09,661 Oh, I see. You've changed your plan. 187 00:12:09,912 --> 00:12:12,498 N-No. No, not really. 188 00:12:12,748 --> 00:12:18,003 The only change is if you could go and put your face in some manure 189 00:12:18,212 --> 00:12:20,547 and follow me at a distance, that would be fine. 190 00:12:20,797 --> 00:12:22,466 Harry? 191 00:12:22,716 --> 00:12:24,676 And another thing, Your Grace, 192 00:12:24,885 --> 00:12:29,640 suppose my right hand offends me and I cut it off, 193 00:12:29,848 --> 00:12:32,726 what if my left hand offends me too? 194 00:12:32,976 --> 00:12:35,479 What do I cut if off with? 195 00:12:35,687 --> 00:12:38,774 Ah, yes. Yes, that is a knotty one. 196 00:12:39,024 --> 00:12:41,610 Yes. 197 00:12:52,579 --> 00:12:53,705 Here, who's that? 198 00:12:53,956 --> 00:12:59,378 I dunno, but that tall fellow, he had a face full of manure. 199 00:12:59,628 --> 00:13:04,007 That's what I call style! 200 00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:10,138 (Ceremonial organ chords) 201 00:13:10,514 --> 00:13:13,851 Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, 202 00:13:14,101 --> 00:13:19,481 believe in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost? 203 00:13:19,690 --> 00:13:24,194 (Bell tolls) 204 00:13:24,278 --> 00:13:26,071 Um, yes. 205 00:13:26,321 --> 00:13:29,908 I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury 206 00:13:30,158 --> 00:13:34,830 and Primate of all England. 207 00:13:39,459 --> 00:13:42,546 A-choo! 208 00:13:44,131 --> 00:13:48,552 (Blows nose noisily) 209 00:13:53,557 --> 00:13:55,350 (Narrator) His investiture over, 210 00:13:55,601 --> 00:14:01,148 Edmund the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth. 211 00:14:01,398 --> 00:14:04,443 But ever the shadow of his father's threat hung over him, 212 00:14:04,651 --> 00:14:06,236 until one day... 213 00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:10,115 Tell me, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites? 214 00:14:10,324 --> 00:14:11,658 I dunno, My Lord. 215 00:14:11,909 --> 00:14:17,789 I can't imagine it was worse than they used to do to each other. 216 00:14:19,875 --> 00:14:21,835 Oh, my God, this is it! 217 00:14:22,044 --> 00:14:24,880 Baldrick, go and get My Lord Bishop of Ramsgate. 218 00:14:25,088 --> 00:14:29,510 - Eh? - Get Percy! Get Percy! 219 00:14:30,761 --> 00:14:35,891 My life is hanging by a thread! 220 00:14:41,730 --> 00:14:46,193 And if I don't leave my lands to the Church, then what? 221 00:14:46,401 --> 00:14:49,655 Then, Lord Graveney, you will assuredly go to Hell. 222 00:14:49,905 --> 00:14:51,490 Alas! 223 00:14:51,740 --> 00:14:53,033 Hell... 224 00:14:53,242 --> 00:14:57,830 where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds. 225 00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:01,875 No, no! (Hacking cough) 226 00:15:02,084 --> 00:15:06,046 I place my lands in the hands of the Church. 227 00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:11,301 And so bid the world farewell! 228 00:15:12,302 --> 00:15:15,681 What? The Archbishop not yet arrived? 229 00:15:15,889 --> 00:15:18,725 Not yet, and even if he did arrive... 230 00:15:18,976 --> 00:15:20,102 - Wait! - Too late! 231 00:15:20,352 --> 00:15:21,895 Out of my way! 232 00:15:22,145 --> 00:15:26,692 I'll kill the pair of you! I'll abolish the Church! 233 00:15:26,942 --> 00:15:29,736 My Lord! My Lord! Aa-ii-ee! 234 00:15:29,987 --> 00:15:33,156 I said, "Out!" Get out! 235 00:15:33,365 --> 00:15:38,162 Oh, My Lord, My Lord! Wake up, wake up... 236 00:15:38,412 --> 00:15:42,291 Wake up! 237 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,920 - Am I in Paradise? - No, no. Not yet. 238 00:15:47,171 --> 00:15:51,717 Then this must be Hell. Alas! Spare my posterior! 239 00:15:51,925 --> 00:15:54,303 No, you're all right - it's England. 240 00:15:54,553 --> 00:15:56,471 And you are not Satan? 241 00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:59,057 No, I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury. 242 00:15:59,308 --> 00:16:03,937 Oh, Your Grace, I have left all my lands to the Church. 243 00:16:04,188 --> 00:16:06,023 Am I to be saved? 244 00:16:06,273 --> 00:16:09,067 No, you treacherous swine! I'll kill you! 245 00:16:09,318 --> 00:16:14,531 Wait! Let's just take this through in stages, shall we? 246 00:16:14,781 --> 00:16:19,036 Um, you know, the Church doesn't really need your lands. 247 00:16:19,244 --> 00:16:23,081 No, what it needs is a damn good thrashing! 248 00:16:23,332 --> 00:16:28,170 But if I do not gain its blessing, I will surely go to Hell! 249 00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:33,133 - Hell, where tiny tweezers... - Get out! 250 00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:38,305 Someone like you go to Hell?? Never! Never! 251 00:16:38,555 --> 00:16:41,892 - I have committed many sins. - Haven't we all?? 252 00:16:42,142 --> 00:16:45,979 - I murdered my father. - I know how you feel! 253 00:16:46,230 --> 00:16:49,233 - Alas! - Hurry up, Egbert! 254 00:16:49,441 --> 00:16:52,694 - I have committed adultery... - Who hasn't? 255 00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:55,155 ..more than a thousand times... 256 00:16:55,364 --> 00:16:58,116 Well, it is 1487. 257 00:16:58,325 --> 00:17:01,119 - ..with my mother. - What? 258 00:17:01,370 --> 00:17:04,456 You see, I will go to Hell. 259 00:17:04,706 --> 00:17:08,710 Hell, where growths like turnips sprout out the nose... 260 00:17:08,919 --> 00:17:12,005 Kill him! 261 00:17:12,256 --> 00:17:15,050 Um, well, let's take Hell. 262 00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:19,054 Hell isn't as bad as it's cracked up to be. 263 00:17:19,304 --> 00:17:22,391 - What? - No, no, no, no. 264 00:17:22,599 --> 00:17:25,936 The thing about Heaven is that Heaven is for people 265 00:17:26,186 --> 00:17:29,898 who like the sort of things that go on in Heaven, 266 00:17:30,148 --> 00:17:34,820 like singing, talking to God, watering pot plants. 267 00:17:35,070 --> 00:17:37,281 Whereas Hell, on the other hand, 268 00:17:37,531 --> 00:17:41,869 is for people who like the other sorts of things - 269 00:17:42,077 --> 00:17:48,041 adultery, pillage, torture...those areas. 270 00:17:48,292 --> 00:17:49,459 Really? 271 00:17:49,710 --> 00:17:54,464 Mmm. Once you're dead, you'll have the time of your life. 272 00:17:54,715 --> 00:17:58,093 Adultery, pillage - through all eternity? 273 00:17:58,343 --> 00:18:00,262 Yep! 274 00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:06,727 Struck with large sticks against your tender portions... 275 00:18:06,727 --> 00:18:08,562 Henry, it's your decision. 276 00:18:08,812 --> 00:18:13,233 Very well. I'll leave my lands to the Crown 277 00:18:13,442 --> 00:18:16,737 and my soul in the hands of the Lord. 278 00:18:16,987 --> 00:18:20,991 May he treat me like the piece of refuse that I am 279 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,243 and send me to Hell where I belong. 280 00:18:23,494 --> 00:18:24,119 Amen! 281 00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:26,205 Amen. You're a lucky man. 282 00:18:26,455 --> 00:18:30,250 I wish I could come with you, but being Archbishop... 283 00:18:30,501 --> 00:18:32,336 - I'm so sorry. - It's OK. 284 00:18:32,586 --> 00:18:35,297 Ah-h! 285 00:18:41,345 --> 00:18:46,183 - My son! - Father! 286 00:18:46,308 --> 00:18:50,771 - Father! - My son! 287 00:18:52,523 --> 00:18:53,649 Who's that? 288 00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:58,237 Looks like the kind of pair who would kill the Archbishop. 289 00:18:58,445 --> 00:18:59,780 Typical! 290 00:19:00,030 --> 00:19:02,115 (The King) You Turkish dog! 291 00:19:02,366 --> 00:19:07,996 - You Turkish pig! - Father, it's me! Pax! 292 00:19:08,205 --> 00:19:10,415 Oh, yes. Sorry, Harry. You're improving. 293 00:19:10,666 --> 00:19:11,667 Yes. 294 00:19:11,875 --> 00:19:15,587 Well, thank you, Father. Good night, Mother. 295 00:19:15,796 --> 00:19:20,050 He's gaining on me! He's gaining on me! 296 00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:22,302 And how was Edmund? 297 00:19:22,553 --> 00:19:27,099 Oh, very well. Chiswick! Fresh horse! 298 00:19:27,349 --> 00:19:31,270 And how are his dear little sheep? 299 00:19:31,478 --> 00:19:33,647 - Whose sheep? - Edmund's sheep. 300 00:19:33,897 --> 00:19:36,108 What sheep? 301 00:19:36,316 --> 00:19:38,402 Well, the ones at Canterbury. 302 00:19:38,652 --> 00:19:42,573 His flock that he was talking about. 303 00:19:42,823 --> 00:19:46,869 Oh, my God! 304 00:19:48,203 --> 00:19:52,708 I can't understand it. Edmund doesn't even like religion. 305 00:19:52,916 --> 00:19:56,336 That's impossible. He's the Archbishop of Canterbury! 306 00:19:56,587 --> 00:20:00,048 Yes, and the Archbishop is also a naughty boy, 307 00:20:00,299 --> 00:20:02,134 whose bottom I smacked 308 00:20:02,384 --> 00:20:04,595 for relieving himself in the pond. 309 00:20:04,845 --> 00:20:06,889 That was a long time ago. 310 00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:10,559 It was last Thursday. 311 00:20:15,731 --> 00:20:19,067 Hell, the boy's turned out well. 312 00:20:19,276 --> 00:20:23,947 A long and healthy life to him! 313 00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:30,746 Ha! 314 00:20:30,954 --> 00:20:35,167 I thank God that never again shall I have to say, 315 00:20:35,417 --> 00:20:39,922 "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?" 316 00:20:40,589 --> 00:20:43,717 - What is that? - Something Henry II said 317 00:20:43,967 --> 00:20:47,471 when he was having trouble with Thomas a Becket. 318 00:20:47,679 --> 00:20:51,141 He was sitting with two drunken knights and yelled, 319 00:20:51,391 --> 00:20:56,063 "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?" 320 00:20:56,104 --> 00:20:57,731 What? 321 00:20:57,981 --> 00:21:00,234 Oh, God save us! 322 00:21:00,484 --> 00:21:05,280 I said, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?" 323 00:21:05,531 --> 00:21:07,074 Meaning who? 324 00:21:07,324 --> 00:21:12,246 The Archbishop of Canterbury, of course! 325 00:21:13,413 --> 00:21:17,709 They went off and killed him, of course! 326 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,882 Right, let's get down to business. 327 00:21:24,132 --> 00:21:25,008 Business? 328 00:21:25,259 --> 00:21:27,135 Baldrick's been looking at ways 329 00:21:27,386 --> 00:21:30,138 of making a bit of money on this job. 330 00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:34,434 Basically, there appear to be four major profit areas. 331 00:21:34,685 --> 00:21:39,398 Curses, pardons, relics and selling the sexual favours of the nuns. 332 00:21:39,648 --> 00:21:43,360 Selling? Some people actually pay for them? 333 00:21:43,610 --> 00:21:45,654 Foreign business men, other nuns, yes. 334 00:21:45,904 --> 00:21:47,781 Let's start with pardons. 335 00:21:48,031 --> 00:21:52,703 Well, this is a fair selection. You seem to get what you pay for. 336 00:21:52,911 --> 00:21:56,874 They run from a pardon for talking with your mouth full 337 00:21:57,124 --> 00:21:58,792 signed by an apprentice curate. 338 00:21:59,042 --> 00:22:00,377 How much is that? 339 00:22:00,627 --> 00:22:03,672 Two pebbles. All the way up to this one, 340 00:22:03,922 --> 00:22:05,924 which is a pardon for anything: 341 00:22:06,175 --> 00:22:10,137 murder, adultery, dismemberment of a friend or relative. 342 00:22:10,387 --> 00:22:13,223 - Who is that signed by? - Both Popes. 343 00:22:13,432 --> 00:22:14,850 That's a good one. 344 00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:19,730 Curses are much the same. I got this for half an egg. 345 00:22:19,980 --> 00:22:22,316 Curse. "Dear Enemy, 346 00:22:22,566 --> 00:22:26,320 I curse you and hope that something unpleasant happens to you, 347 00:22:26,570 --> 00:22:29,031 like an onion falling on your head." 348 00:22:29,239 --> 00:22:31,241 That's the bottom end of the market. 349 00:22:31,492 --> 00:22:34,077 They run to this one for four ducats. 350 00:22:34,328 --> 00:22:37,623 "Dear Enemy, May the Lord hate you and all your kind." 351 00:22:37,831 --> 00:22:39,708 "May you be turned orange 352 00:22:39,917 --> 00:22:43,378 and may your head fall off at an awkward moment." 353 00:22:43,629 --> 00:22:45,422 - Does this work? - Yes. 354 00:22:45,631 --> 00:22:46,965 - Really? - Yes! 355 00:22:47,216 --> 00:22:50,677 - Really? - No! 356 00:22:51,345 --> 00:22:55,474 Moving on to relics, we've got shrouds from Turin, 357 00:22:55,724 --> 00:23:01,980 wine from the wedding at Cana, splinters from the Cross... 358 00:23:02,189 --> 00:23:05,108 and there's all the stuff made by Jesus 359 00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:08,278 in his days in the carpentry shop. 360 00:23:08,529 --> 00:23:12,825 Pipe racks, coffee tables, cake stands, book ends... 361 00:23:13,033 --> 00:23:14,910 crucifixes... 362 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:22,668 a nice cheeseboard, fruit bowls, waterproof sandals... 363 00:23:22,668 --> 00:23:25,462 - I haven't finished this one yet. - Disgraceful! 364 00:23:25,671 --> 00:23:28,507 - They're obviously fake! - Ha! Yes. 365 00:23:28,715 --> 00:23:32,845 But how will people tell which are the real relics? 366 00:23:33,095 --> 00:23:35,180 They won't. That's the point. 367 00:23:35,389 --> 00:23:40,978 Well, you won't be able to fool everyone. Look! 368 00:23:41,186 --> 00:23:44,690 I have here a true relic. 369 00:23:44,940 --> 00:23:46,400 What is it? 370 00:23:46,650 --> 00:23:50,612 It is a bone from the finger of Our Lord. 371 00:23:50,863 --> 00:23:53,949 It cost me 31 pieces of silver. 372 00:23:54,199 --> 00:23:56,535 Good Lord! Is it real?? 373 00:23:56,785 --> 00:24:00,622 It is, My Lord. Baldrick, you stand amazed. 374 00:24:00,831 --> 00:24:04,501 I am. I thought they only came in boxes of ten. 375 00:24:04,710 --> 00:24:06,962 I could've given you one of mine. 376 00:24:07,212 --> 00:24:09,673 Yeah, fingers are really big now. 377 00:24:09,923 --> 00:24:13,552 But for a quick sale, you can't beat a nose. 378 00:24:13,802 --> 00:24:17,598 This is the Sacred Appendage Compendium Party Pack. 379 00:24:17,848 --> 00:24:21,518 Jesus's nose... St Peter's nose... 380 00:24:21,768 --> 00:24:25,314 St Francis's nose... 381 00:24:25,564 --> 00:24:28,066 Oh, no. They're Joan of Arc's. 382 00:24:28,275 --> 00:24:32,321 Bastard verger! I'll show him! 383 00:24:34,740 --> 00:24:36,950 I'll show him! 384 00:24:37,201 --> 00:24:38,827 Oh! 385 00:24:39,036 --> 00:24:41,538 - Hello. - Good evening. 386 00:24:41,747 --> 00:24:43,999 And what can I do for you? 387 00:24:44,249 --> 00:24:49,296 Well, we're here to murder the Archbishop of Canterbury... 388 00:24:49,546 --> 00:24:51,340 ..'s various enemies. 389 00:24:51,548 --> 00:24:55,761 - We fear he may be in danger. - Really? How? 390 00:24:56,011 --> 00:24:59,348 Let me see. Perhaps good King Richard, 391 00:24:59,556 --> 00:25:02,893 - angry with the Archbishop... - Don't know why. 392 00:25:03,143 --> 00:25:07,397 ..might well send two drunken knights fresh from the Crusades 393 00:25:07,648 --> 00:25:11,360 on a mission to wreak vengeance on him. 394 00:25:11,610 --> 00:25:14,404 Good point. It has happened before. 395 00:25:14,655 --> 00:25:17,950 I'm sorry. I didn't quite catch your names. 396 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:22,037 - George de Boef. - How do you do? 397 00:25:22,287 --> 00:25:23,622 Justin de Boinod. 398 00:25:23,831 --> 00:25:27,709 Two drunken knights fresh from the Crusades 399 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:31,672 and here on a mission for King Richard, bless him! 400 00:25:31,922 --> 00:25:33,507 And your mission? 401 00:25:33,715 --> 00:25:35,843 As I said, we're here to kill... 402 00:25:36,093 --> 00:25:40,681 A bit of time... before our next crusade. 403 00:25:40,931 --> 00:25:42,808 Oh, right... yes. 404 00:25:43,058 --> 00:25:47,479 Well, I'll just go and get him. 405 00:25:47,563 --> 00:25:51,650 Ah, Baldrick, a couple of knights to see the Archbishop. 406 00:25:51,900 --> 00:25:54,570 Oh, my God! 407 00:25:56,071 --> 00:25:58,949 Monks! 408 00:25:59,199 --> 00:26:01,785 My Lord, I've something to tell you. 409 00:26:02,035 --> 00:26:06,748 If it's about the nuns at Uppingham and the candelabra, I've heard it. 410 00:26:06,999 --> 00:26:10,460 No, there's two men outside who've come to kill you. 411 00:26:10,669 --> 00:26:13,172 What? 412 00:26:13,881 --> 00:26:19,094 I-I'm terribly sorry about this. I'll just see what the delay is. 413 00:26:19,344 --> 00:26:20,345 Feel free. 414 00:26:20,596 --> 00:26:23,307 Look, what's going on? 415 00:26:23,557 --> 00:26:26,518 Ces hommes sont venus nous assassiner! 416 00:26:26,768 --> 00:26:31,273 Oh, just because they've a bit of class, you assume they're killers! 417 00:26:31,523 --> 00:26:34,818 Oh my God, there's no way out! 418 00:26:35,027 --> 00:26:41,200 Help! Help! Oh, my God, help us! 419 00:26:53,337 --> 00:26:56,882 They've dropped off! 420 00:26:57,132 --> 00:27:02,930 - Ya-ah-h! - Ya-a-ah! 421 00:27:05,182 --> 00:27:11,563 Damn! They must have gone down the secret passage to the nunnery. 422 00:27:13,398 --> 00:27:16,985 Ya-a-ah-h! 423 00:27:20,989 --> 00:27:24,827 Sisters, three men came in. Which way did they go? 424 00:27:25,077 --> 00:27:29,456 (Falsetto) Ils sont partis dans cette direction. 425 00:27:29,665 --> 00:27:31,917 God bless you! 426 00:27:32,167 --> 00:27:37,464 Wait! They'll be watching out for us dressed like this. 427 00:27:37,714 --> 00:27:40,801 Quick! In here! 428 00:27:49,685 --> 00:27:53,272 (They titter nervously) 429 00:27:53,522 --> 00:27:58,569 Pray, Sister, have you seen two burly knights pass this way? 430 00:27:58,819 --> 00:28:04,116 (Cracked falsetto) Er, no, Sister. More's the pity! 431 00:28:04,366 --> 00:28:07,494 Why don't you try that way? 432 00:28:07,703 --> 00:28:13,625 - (Normal voices) Thanks. - You're welcome. 433 00:28:16,628 --> 00:28:19,590 And yet, Mother Superior, 434 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:22,843 does not St. Paul say in The Ephesians, 435 00:28:23,093 --> 00:28:25,804 "A woman is like a bat - 436 00:28:26,054 --> 00:28:29,224 "often heard but never seen."? 437 00:28:29,474 --> 00:28:32,394 No, I don't think so, Sara. 438 00:28:32,644 --> 00:28:34,771 Shall we check the dormitory? 439 00:28:35,022 --> 00:28:39,151 Oh, yes, Mother Superior. Bonne idée! 440 00:28:42,863 --> 00:28:44,531 Girls! 441 00:28:44,740 --> 00:28:46,658 Girls! Girls! 442 00:28:46,867 --> 00:28:48,577 I've told you a thousand times, 443 00:28:48,785 --> 00:28:52,372 fighting in the dormitories is forbidden! 444 00:28:52,581 --> 00:28:54,875 Who is the ringleader? 445 00:28:55,125 --> 00:28:59,463 You! Yes, you, the plain girl! 446 00:29:00,923 --> 00:29:05,844 Oh, my God! It's the Archbishop of Canterbury! 447 00:29:06,094 --> 00:29:08,931 And a man! Ooh-h! 448 00:29:09,139 --> 00:29:15,687 Er, I think I can explain. (Giggles weakly) 449 00:29:15,729 --> 00:29:17,981 And that, sweet lady, is the whole story. 450 00:29:18,190 --> 00:29:20,776 Let's go over the facts again. 451 00:29:20,984 --> 00:29:22,236 Once appointed Archbishop, 452 00:29:22,486 --> 00:29:26,532 you found all your interests lay in beautiful vestments. 453 00:29:26,740 --> 00:29:28,408 Ah, the fine embroidery! 454 00:29:28,659 --> 00:29:32,079 Unable to resist the slide into depravity, 455 00:29:32,329 --> 00:29:34,289 you began to dress up like a nun. 456 00:29:34,540 --> 00:29:38,252 I could not resist the texture of the hessian underthings! 457 00:29:38,460 --> 00:29:39,878 I can understand that. 458 00:29:40,128 --> 00:29:42,548 Then you forced the Bishop of Ramsgate 459 00:29:42,798 --> 00:29:45,634 and Brother Baldrick to do so also. 460 00:29:45,884 --> 00:29:49,221 Oh, may I be cursed for it! 461 00:29:49,429 --> 00:29:52,224 Finally, you got two knights drunk 462 00:29:52,474 --> 00:29:55,811 and invited them to wrestle with you inside the nunnery 463 00:29:56,019 --> 00:29:58,897 - in a heathen orgy. - That's it, yes. 464 00:29:59,106 --> 00:30:03,652 It bears the ring of truth and I must therefore tell you 465 00:30:03,861 --> 00:30:08,824 that I have written to all Popes recommending your excommunication. 466 00:30:09,074 --> 00:30:12,369 Never more may you be Archbishop of Canterbury! 467 00:30:12,619 --> 00:30:13,787 Oh, dear! 468 00:30:14,037 --> 00:30:18,041 Enough, Sister Sara. I think he's learnt his lesson. 469 00:30:18,292 --> 00:30:20,502 Sorry? 470 00:30:20,752 --> 00:30:22,838 Oh. Ow! Ow! 471 00:30:23,088 --> 00:30:25,924 Go, sirrah, and meet thy doom! 472 00:30:26,175 --> 00:30:31,054 (Ominous organ chords) 473 00:30:57,623 --> 00:31:01,502 Quick! The nunnery's on fire! 474 00:31:02,044 --> 00:31:05,631 # The sound of hoofbeats cross the glade 475 00:31:05,881 --> 00:31:09,676 # Good folk, lock up your son and daughter 476 00:31:09,927 --> 00:31:13,680 # Beware the deadly flashing blade 477 00:31:13,931 --> 00:31:17,142 # Unless you want to end up shorter 478 00:31:17,392 --> 00:31:21,271 # Black Adder, Black Adder 479 00:31:21,522 --> 00:31:25,317 # He rides a pitch-black steed 480 00:31:25,567 --> 00:31:29,404 # Black Adder, Black Adder 481 00:31:29,655 --> 00:31:33,659 # He's very bad indeed 482 00:31:33,909 --> 00:31:37,871 # Black his gloves of finest mole 483 00:31:38,121 --> 00:31:41,583 # Black his codpiece made of metal 484 00:31:41,834 --> 00:31:45,796 # His horse is blacker than a vole 485 00:31:46,046 --> 00:31:49,675 # His pot is blacker than his kettle 486 00:31:49,925 --> 00:31:53,470 # Black Adder, Black Adder 487 00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:57,349 # With many a cunning plan 488 00:31:57,599 --> 00:32:01,645 # Black Adder, Black Adder, 489 00:32:01,895 --> 00:32:06,024 # You horrid little man! # 490 00:32:06,108 --> 00:32:09,069 Alas! The corruption of the world! 491 00:32:09,319 --> 00:32:11,280 Yes, alas! 492 00:32:11,530 --> 00:32:13,907 I'm tired and weary. You may leave. 493 00:32:14,158 --> 00:32:17,661 - Very well. - Alas. 494 00:32:17,911 --> 00:32:20,706 Presumably you won't be needing the unicorn tonight? 495 00:32:20,956 --> 00:32:26,170 No. No, not tonight, Sara.