Oh, Lord.
Shit.
"Remember when I was in school...
"I always thought of you as my best friend...
"even though you were two grades behind me.
"I guess that was because the other kids used to poke fun at me all the time.
"I mean, Daddy and Harold and Jim...
"they used to make me feel real funny, you know, like I wasn't even a woman.
"Even Mother made me feel awkward.
"I mean, the way she used to just stare at me all the time.
"It was as if she was watching herself grow up, not me."
"At least you got attention."
"Somebody staring at you isn't attention. It's more like...
"I don't know."
"You feel sorry for yourself a lot, don't you?"
"I don't think so."
- "No, you do. You always have." - "Oh, God.
"It's amazing, whenever I share something with you I get slapped in the face."
"Why do you get so defensive?"
"Because I'm getting attacked, that's why.
"Now, come on, Diane, you know what you're doing."
"Look, I'm your sister. And I suppose I love you.
"But I'm having trouble working up sympathy for your unhappy childhood."
"Here we go again. You had to wear my hand-me-downs, right?"
"Well, didn't I? Didn't I have to wear all your old clothes?
"I had one new dress in a five-year period.
"Wasn't just the clothes being second-hand, they didn't fit.
"The sweaters were all too small.
"I was so embarrassed about having large breasts.
"Then with your tight sweaters accentuating everything..."
"They made you real popular."
"It's not the way I wanted to be popular."
- "But I was, wasn't I? More so than you." - "Shut up."
"Remember the time the four of us went to the lake?"
- "Shut up." - "You remember that afternoon."
"Shut up!"
"I've never heard you mention it since. Let's talk about it now."
"Shut up!"
- Too much? - Too talky.
Sounds like bad Tennessee Williams.
Breasts too large, Richard?
Every female character you create has breasts too large.
But I make them suffer for it.
I think I'll take my obviously inadequate body into the kitchen...
and get some more caffeine.
Let's lie down and discuss the next scene.
It's 11:00.
- What is it? - I can't tell you. I have to show you.
Is it visual?
It's visual. Very visual.
Is it funny?
If you want to laugh, it's okay.
- Can we take a break afterwards, honey? - Yes.
You know, writing is so exhausting.
Can I help you?
Babson and McCullen to see Larry Weisman.
Okay. Just turn left, then right, and you'll be there.
Thank you.
God, it's been six months and I haven't found the right color for that car.
- That car is driving me crazy. - Yeah, it's driving me crazy, too.
What are we gonna tell him about the book?
We'll tell him we're not writing the screenplay.
Good. You tell him.
I'm not gonna tell him. It's your turn. You're gonna tell him.
I don't want to. Please? You tell him.
You're better with words than I am.
- So what do you think about the book? - It stinks.
Paula?
Well, I think...
I don't think that it makes a screenplay, Larry.
- Do we? - No.
Good. I was just testing you.
You guys are honest with me. You've got integrity. I like that.
Mr. Weisman, Bob Prentiss is on the phone.
- He wants to know if you can play tennis... - Yeah, I know.
No, I don't have the right tennis shoes with me today.
Shall I tell him that you don't have the right shoes?
No, don't tell him that. I'll speak to him.
Hello, Bobby?
I would love to play with you today.
No, I can't.
It's my kid. He's very ill.
I just wouldn't be able to enjoy myself today.
I just want to stay here by the phone in case I'm needed at home.
That's very sweet. No, there's nothing, really.
Okay, Bobby. Bye-bye.
They're gonna be wrapping our movie in about two weeks tops.
- Great. - How's it look?
I love it! Please.
- It all works. - Yeah?
- Remember the hassling about the ending? - Yeah.
I love the ending.
I like the rhythm, I like the tone...
the way it moves, the way it flows.
I think you're gonna be real happy with it.
- Can we see it? - No, you can't see it.
The director doesn't work like that.
But trust me, it is good. It is damn good.
Look, I want to do a new project with you guys.
Come on, let's talk here.
I like you. You like me.
I think we got a pretty good combination here.
These are good. This is exactly what I wanted.
This is exactly it, okay? Good work. I knew you would get it.
Just got to be a little patient. Oh, boy. It feels right.
This is... Oh, boy, I like this.
Carol?
- Is he coming back? - No, he's gone now.
What does he really think about the movie?
I don't know. He hasn't seen any of it yet.
Probably didn't have the right shoes on.
You guys moved into your new house yet?
We still got a little work to do.
Buying a house together means you'll probably be getting married.
We're gonna try that new restaurant across the street. How is it?
I don't know. I have asthma.
- Your table's right this way, gentlemen. - Thank you.
This place is just a little overdone, don't you think?
I mean, what is this, mulch?
Honey, do you think Larry lies about everything?
Probably.
Carol said he hadn't seen it, which means he's lying about having seen it...
rather than having seen it and then lying about whether it's good or not.
What?
Thank you.
- You have trouble finding your way back? - We just leave a trail of crumbs.
Enjoy.
A bit scary buying a house, isn't it?
Words like "escrow"...
- It's a nice, strong adult word. - I know. I hate it.
This is sensational.
- Try some. - I got some.
No, I put it together much better than you do. Come on, try it.
See?
Tastes good.
We're good together, aren't we?
Funny, Carol thinking we're getting married.
You know, tradition. You buy a house, you get married.
If you think about it, I mean, you know...
we rent our house, we lease our car, we live together...
Do you feel there's a lack of commitment there somehow?
I committed to a house.
- What are we doing, Paula? - What?
Buying this house, living together...
nagging at each other, not nagging each other...
making love, not making love?
For God's sake, Paula, we act like we're married.
Richard, I thought we made an agreement a long time ago...
that we would live together. And if we changed our minds, then we'd see.
I changed my mind.
Well, I haven't.
If you were my age, you'd understand.
All right. Let's wait till I'm your age and then we'll discuss it.
Paula, there's some statements I want to make with my life.
You're one of them.
Living with you just says that you're my lover and my friend.
It doesn't state you're the woman I intend to spend the rest of my life with.
Marriage makes that statement.
Marry me, Paula.
- Honey. - What?
I don't know what to say.
Let's talk about it later, okay?
That's great. That's perfect.
They moved into their dream house and they dated happily ever after.
I'm gonna lose Richard.
What are you afraid of?
I don't know.
I just keep thinking that life is in three stages.
That you're born, you get married, and then you die.
Wait a minute.
So you think that if you never get married, you'll never die?
Something like that.
- Do me a favor. - Yeah.
- Put him down for me. - Sure.
I'm not very good at this.
Anyway... You know, I associate marriage with having to grow up.
Now we've already done that. Why have it rubbed in our faces?
And another thing.
You spend your whole life trying to achieve a little personality...
a little individuality...
only to get married and be referred to as someone's wife.
A missus. Mrs. Richard Babson.
No, thank you.
No, thank you very much.
What is this, a Manhattan?
- With lots of cherries. It's good. - God.
I haven't had one of these in years.
- It's so adult. - Yeah.
Can I have another drink?
Listen.
All of the reasons are all well and good...
but what it comes down to in the end is whether or not you love him.
- I love him. - Well, then, okay.
You're gonna have to resolve it one way or another...
or you're just gonna destroy the relationship.
See, the...
I forgot what I was talking about.
- My life. - I'm sorry.
It sounds to me like Richard wants marriage...
more than you don't want marriage. Now, he is willing to try more...
Yeah, he wants it more strongly...
than you don't want it.
What?
What what? What did I say?
You said that I want... No.
Wait, you said Richard doesn't want...
No, you said Richard wants...
- Does Richard want something? - What?
You said that Richard wants something.
That he wants something. What does he want?
- Who? - Richard!
Was it possible? Could it be?
Then a lizard ran across all their paws...
but they all held their ground.
Honey, remind me to call home later tonight.
All was silent, except for a dachshund that sneezed.
And then there was a puff of smoke, and a magician appeared.
I feel like something is wrong.
"Aha!" he chortled and exhorted.
And then, with a wave of his magic chew-stick...
their flea collars started spinning around on their necks.
The collie got so frightened, he peed on the spaniel's leg.
Hello?
What?
I feel like something's wrong. I'm worried about my folks.
They're just getting old, honey, that's all.
I know. I think they're gonna die soon.
- Paula. - It's possible.
So I just practice.
- Practice? - I pretend they're dead...
and then I really get myself very unhappy...
you know, and then I feel the grief.
And then I guess, it's just, I'm preparing for when it actually happens.
Let me get this straight.
You kill your parents off in your mind so you won't feel bad when they die?
That's how much I love them.
You're very sick, Paula. You're beyond Black Irish.
Honey, let's go back East.
My parents are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
I'd like you to meet them.
Before they die?
Yeah.
I don't know.
I don't think I'd do too well with your parents.
Why not?
Your preoccupation with death.
I just have to assume you're the tip of the iceberg.
I'm gonna take a shower.
You didn't stay to hear my whole idea.
I've been thinking about what you said.
And...
You know how I feel about change.
I'm not very good at change, you know that.
And I'm not impulsive, you know.
Who is this?
Richard, it's very hard to be serious in a shower.
Please help me.
What do you want?
I've had a lot of time to think it over...
and I think we should...
- What? - Go ahead and do it.
Do what?
- You know. - You know what?
Get...
married.
Are you sure?
- I didn't push you into this? - No.
I love you, Paula.
Honey.
If we get married, would you promise me one thing?
Anything, darling.
We won't tell anyone.
The limousine what?
The limousine pulls up in front of a three-story building.
A nondescript building...
sitting in the middle of...
No. Sitting...
Among the buildings, among...
- Up against... ...steel structures of...
No, in the countryside.
Isolated countryside.
- Yeah. Isolated... - That's good.
Better.
"Waterproofing, weather-stripping, weaving, webbing...
"weddings."
Webbing, weddings.
What comes after wedding?
Welding.
That's appropriate. It's right in there with "webbing" and "welding."
"Now and Forever Wedding Chapel."
Too cute.
"Chapel of the Two Bells. We rent kneeling benches, candelabras...
"and caged, live, white whispering doves."
No, I want a wedding chapel that says, "We give sodium pentathol."
Here's a good one. "Los Hermanos Wedding Chapel."
It says...
What?
It means if you're Spanish and mad, you can marry in 10 minutes.
That's it. Where is it?
"12722, Alvarado Street.
"Half a block south of the Burrito King."
That's perfect. It's on the way to the train station. Nobody will see us.
Help me.
You know, maybe we should fly. I've been thinking about this.
Three days on a train. Three days to think about meeting your parents.
Trains are so romantic.
Remember Giant?
Remember the scene on the train with Elizabeth Taylor and Rock Hudson?
Love in the Afternoon, with Audrey Hepburn and Gary Cooper.
Remember?
Remember Teresa Wright in Since You Went Away?
Teresa Wright didn't get on the train.
Honey, you're going to love it, I promise.
God, we're really going to do it, aren't we?
Kiss me. I'm nervous.
Kiss me again.
You promise that once we get married it's not gonna screw everything up?
No, it's not gonna screw anything up. Everything's gonna be better.
- We're even gonna write better. - Good.
Right, we'll get better.
Yeah, that's wonderful, honey. That's great.
Because if it doesn't, you know, I'm gonna have to kill you in your sleep.
Here you are.
- You two getting married? - No, we're just visiting relatives.
- Be about 20 minutes. - It's your money.
Right.
- What time did he say? - Whenever we get here.
Excuse me.
The Los Hermanos Wedding Chapel?
- What's she saying? - I don't know.
Of course, you realize what you are about to do...
is a very serious step.
It is not to be taken light.
You fully agree, but I have to ask this of everybody.
- We're very sure. - Yeah.
All right. We will begin.
Shouldn't we stand up or something?
No, that is not necessary.
But if you like, all right.
God, honey, here we go.
- Are you ready? - Yes!
This is the English ceremony.
I do not know it as well as in Spanish.
So if you will forgive me, I will read it.
"I, Richard Babson..." You repeat it after me, what I say.
"I, Richard Babson..."
I, Richard Babson...
"...take thee, Paula McCullen..."
...take thee, Paula McCullen...
"...to be my lawful wedded wife..."
...to be my lawful wedded wife...
"...for better or for worse..."
...for better or for worse...
"...in sickness and in health..."
...in sickness and in health...
"...with love and affection..."
...with love and affection...
"...I dee endo."
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
"I dee endo."
I dee endo.
I'm sorry.
I always laugh when I get nervous.
That's all right. It is to be understood.
All right. Now, will you please repeat it after me.
"I, Paula McCullen..."
I, Paula McCullen...
"...take thee, Richard Babson..."
...take thee, Richard Babson...
"...to be my lawful wedded husband..."
...to be my lawful wedded husband...
"...for better or for worse..."
...for better or for worse...
"...in sickness and in health..."
...in sickness and in health...
"...with love and affection..."
...with love and affection...
"...I dee endo."
What?
I don't understand that.
"I dee endo."
I dee endo.
"And by all the power vested in me by the State of California...
"I now pronounce you man and wife." And you may kiss the bride.
I have this ring.
You don't have to wear it, you can just keep it.
I am very happy for you.
The witnesses signed the certificate before you arrived.
And they will be sent to you in about a month.
- Well, many congratulations. - Thank you.
- And congratulations, Mrs. Babson. - Don't call me that.
Very well.
What?
It's all right. Everybody does this.
All right, I've got you.
Sorry.
- Honeymooners? - Yeah!
Thank you.
Are you comfortable, honey?
Listen, you get on the inside. Let me get on the outside.
- All right. - One of us will fall out.
- Wait, honey. - Yeah, what?
- My hair. - I'll fix it.
Jesus.
I got this.
Here. Pull this.
- Here. Wait a minute. - Thank you.
Okay?
Yeah, I just have to stay on my back because...
Don't worry, we'll get comfortable.
I never learned how to sleep on the side.
- That's good. - This is good?
Honey, there are those honeymooners. Guys, how far are you going?
- How far are you going? - Buffalo.
Great. We're going to Toledo. We'll be with you most of the way.
- Please watch your step. - Dear God, it's freezing.
Don't they have any redcaps or red tops or whatever they're called?
- I haven't shaved in three days. - I don't see them.
You think we've been in Buffalo long enough? I'm cold.
- I started getting cold in Arizona. - It's not that cold.
Now we are in Buffalo.
No offence, but can't I meet your parents some other time?
- I'm too old to meet your parents. - There they are!
There she is!
Mom! Hi!
- Give me a hug! - Hi, Daddy!
Richard. Mom, Dad, this is Richard.
- Welcome to the family, Richard. - Thank you, sir.
- Richard? - Yes?
You married our little girl.
Yes. Thank you.
- We're in a lot of trouble. - I almost forgot.
I brought you your oranges. Your favorite kind.
- All the way from California. - The ones from Florida are juicier.
Don't pick up the black one, sir, it's very heavy!
Richard, don't bother. It's the Irish Martyr Syndrome.
- Let me take something. - Mother, stay there. Don't flip. I'm fine.
- How do I look? - Disgusting.
Thank you.
- Okay. Let's go. - Come on, Richard.
- Mom, hold this a minute. - What are you going that way for?
We'll go to the end of the platform and take the stairs. It's easier.
No one takes the tunnel anymore.
- What are those glasses? - It's nothing.
- I had a cataract operation last month. - Why didn't you tell me?
Your mother thought it was best for you children not to know.
Children?
The only problem is now I have no depth perception.
Your mother is like a cat with a bell around its neck.
You can tell where she is by the sound of something crashing to the floor.
You poor thing!
Good idea to come up these stairs.
A lot faster.
Jesus Christ! It's even cold inside.
- Dear God, it's cold! - Hell, this ain't nothing.
I never felt it cold enough to wear an overcoat.
Mother, be very careful. It's icy here.
You must call Mary Theresa as soon as we get home.
Mother, I'll call her when I want to.
She'll be deeply hurt if you don't.
Mother, please.
All right, I'm sorry. I won't bother you anymore.
Shit.
So, this is your first visit to Buffalo, Richard?
Yes, sir. Very interesting city.
One thing about living in L.A., you miss that beautiful snow.
Snow kills.
You should see Buffalo when everything's frozen.
Everything is frozen, Mother.
Where are we going? This isn't the way home.
Tom Hanrahan died last week.
Your father wanted to stop at his funeral for just a moment.
Tom Hanrahan? Dad, I thought you never liked him.
I hated the son of a bitch.
I knew you were just the tip of the iceberg.
I'll be back in a second.
Ellie, stay in there. It's very slippery out here. I'll be back.
- How do you think your father looks? - He looks fine. Why, is something wrong?
Well, you know...
since his stroke, he's been a little strange. He hardly ever talks.
And I found some...
pornographic magazines under his socks. Real beaver shots.
Mother! Where did you learn that word?
Excuse me, I think I'm going to get some air.
You don't have to go. You are part of the family now.
I appreciate that. It's just that I get a little claustrophobic in a car.
I don't know if it's me or what...
but there's nothing between us anymore, sexually.
Do you have any idea what's wrong?
I suppose when you're with someone for so long, they become so familiar...
that one day, you just forget to do it anymore.
- Is it still that important to you? - Yes. I love sex.
It feels funny to be talking to you like this.
All you ever told me about sex was that when it was right, it could be wonderful.
Even when it's wrong, it can be wonderful.
- More tea? - Thank you.
I must say it scared the hell out of me.
- My brother Patrick was a fine doctor. - Mother! Be careful.
Sorry.
My brother Patrick was a man who respected life on all levels.
Richard, give you an example. Turtle soup.
Loved turtle soup. Made it from scratch. Now, here's what I am talking about.
He wasn't the kind of man who'd just take the turtle...
and toss it into the boiling water, or crack its shell...
or whatever it is that would cause pain to the turtle.
- You know what he'd do? - More pie?
- No, thank you. - Paula, get Richard more pie.
You're a married woman now. Start doing a little for your husband.
Mother, he doesn't want any more pie. And if he did, he could get it himself.
He'd take that turtle into the cellar, place it on the ground...
and he'd go over and sit on the other side of the room on the floor...
with a bottle of bourbon and a rifle across his knees.
And he'd sit there, and he'd sit there...
and he'd sit, and he'd wait.
And he'd wait for that turtle to just pop its head out...
from underneath that shell.
The moment it did, pow! Blow its head off.
No pain to the turtle. Soup for Patrick.
I used to play the cello before I was married.
Patrick was patient man.
You have to be patient to play the cello. Not an aggressive instrument.
You know what, Richard, he always got what he waited for.
I was quite promising. I played with musicals here in Buffalo.
We were going to tour all Europe...
- Mommy used to say... - I met Paula's father.
I'm sorry.
- Did I interrupt? I'm so sorry. - No. You go ahead.
- No, I finished. Really. Go ahead. - No, please.
Well, I'll help you clean up, Mother.
Thank you.
Mommy used to say, "Why can't you be like Patrick?"
How could I be like Patrick? Patrick was Patrick, and I was who I was.
But I'll never forget that. Patrick.
Mommy used to say, "Timmy, why can't you be like Patrick?"
Honey?
Honey, you all right?
No, I am not all right. You have strange parents, you know that?
There's not a double bed in this whole house. Only single beds.
Just single beds.
Doesn't anybody sleep together in this place?
- These aren't single. They're antiques. - No, that's a single bed.
I am on my honeymoon. I want to sleep with my wife.
- We'll sleep together at your folks' house. - Are you crazy? That's a week from now.
I know it sounds crazy, but if we slept in the same room...
my parents would think we were having sex.
- Really? You're acting like a teenager. - Well, this is my teenage room.
This isn't a room for sexual relations, it's a room for slumber parties.
Paula, I want you to listen to me very carefully.
We're on very shaky ground here. Very shaky ground.
What do you mean?
Well, getting married is a very traumatic experience, right?
- Right. - My coming back here to Buffalo...
to meet your parents. That's traumatic, right?
- Right. - All right.
No matter how old you are, you're still a child to your parents, right?
Right.
You know what that makes you right now?
- What? - A married baby.
- You're sick. - So let's go to bed.
Let's take a shower together. You can soap me down.
You can soap me up.
Paula! Are you upstairs?
- Honey, I can't. - What?
What do you mean you can't? We're married.
I know, but I feel funny with my parents and everything.
- I don't feel very comfortable. - Why?
- We make noise. - I won't make noise.
Sweet dreams.
Dear God! Is that the way it's going to be?
For Christ's sake! Freezing to death.
Sleeping in a bed?
Good Lord.
Yes?
- Are you comfortable? - Yes. I'm fine.
I put some towels and a washcloth in your bathroom.
- Is there anything else I can do? - No, thank you.
Have you any laundry that needs washing? Any dirty underwear?
No.
Well, I just wanted a moment to tell you how happy we are.
Paula is very precious to us.
I love your daughter very much.
That's all that matters.
Nightie-night.
Would you like me to leave the hall light on?
No.
Good night, then. Sweet dreams.
I can't take it anymore. I'm not used to this.
I'm not used to the cold.
And I am not used to being sexually deprived.
I am standing before you with a frozen erection.
Don't tell my mother, she'll put a mitten on it.
I am not kidding, Paula.
If we left before Mom and Dad's anniversary, they'd be very hurt.
My father! He's killed himself!
Goddamn pigeons! Filthy creatures!
Why don't they stay downtown where they belong!
Oh, my God, Daddy, you scared me to death.
I hate pigeons.
Look at them fat bastards!
Bastards!
Breakfast, everyone!
Damn filthy sons of bitches.
That dirty, dirty... Crapped all over the roof.
I think I winged one of them, though!
Come on, now. Hurry up. Everything's hot.
Mother, he's scaring the neighborhood half to death.
He's like his brother Patrick, only not as good a shot.
- He shouldn't do that. - It's all right. He never hurts anything.
It gives him something to do.
That's right, Richard. Just sit down.
- Daddy, aren't you having breakfast? - No. I already had a little something.
I'll be upstairs taking care of a few things.
Excuse me.
- Mom, is Dad all right? - Yes.
This is the time of day he locks himself in the bathroom with those magazines.
- Can I help you? - No, you just relax.
I've got a surprise for Richard.
Grits! I made you some grits.
- Just the way you southerners like it. - Thank you.
I hate grits. What will I do with this stuff?
She's been up since 6:00 making them. You are gonna eat it.
Happy-go-lucky you, saying it over the grapefruit. Why don't you eat it?
Come on. She's so happy. You have to eat it. Can't do this to her.
Richard, how do you like it?
It's very good.
I called Mrs. O'Leary for the recipe.
She's very interested in your work in Hollywood.
I told her about the new play you've written.
Mother, it's a screenplay. It's for the movies.
- Does that look like I ate some? - No.
- Let me have your napkin. - What?
Oh, God! That's disgusting!
You might as well finish it. No one else here eats this stuff.
I'm so thrilled about our anniversary celebration.
It's going to be a lovely party.
Richard said that he might have to go back a little early.
Oh, dear. Richard, is that right?
We have to do some rewrites.
I don't know what to say.
It would just kill your father.
Last night he actually cried like a little boy.
He was so happy that you two had got married...
and came back to help celebrate our 40th.
Well, I can't possibly tell him.
Richard, could you do it?
It isn't definite that we have to go back.
There's a possibility that I could make a call.
I'm so happy!
Please continue eating, Richard. We don't stand on ceremony here.
Daddy, Mom and I are going out shopping. We'll be back around 3:00.
If Richard comes before then, would you tell him?
- Do you need anything? - No, nothing.
- Goodbye, Mrs. Riley. See you later. - Goodbye, Daddy.
So long.
- Shoot it. - All right, you guys. Another face-off!
Never play for the Sabers like that. Let's hustle.
Be careful, Mother. Here.
- Eleanor! - There's Mrs. O'Leary.
I want to thank her for the recipe. I will be right back.
Mother, wait, let me take that.
You go on in now. I'll be fine.
Be careful, Mother. Mother!
Get away from me!
Quiet! Someone will hear you!
Get away from me!
Daddy, what are you doing?
- It was a mistake. I slipped on the thing. - It wasn't my fault.
- I was just doing the cleaning! - Hold on.
That man is insane.
Please try and understand my father's been very sick. He's had a stroke.
I am going to get out of here.
As soon as I finish those other rooms. I always finish the job.
Where you going? What's wrong?
Go back to the house. Leave me alone.
- I need to... - What?
- I don't know. - What happened?
I don't want to tell you now.
- It's your parents? - No. They're fine.
Just go back to the house. And don't tell them...
Don't say any...
Don't ask them what's wrong, okay? Please don't do that.
Yes?
My, it's hot in here.
Your father told me about the maid.
Are you all right?
Are you?
Yes.
That was our third maid.
I think it's wonderful he keeps trying.
You are some old broad.
Don't be disrespectful.
I just hope it hasn't frightened you about marriage.
Everything frightens me about marriage, Mother.
It must be frightening.
At least in my day, we knew what the roles were.
But if you love each other, that's all that matters.
Marriage isn't to blame for what happened this afternoon with your father.
That was just old age.
Father Time has a way of just beating the shit out of us.
You're right.
Paula?
I've gone blind.
Honey?
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
How do I look?
Great.
Turtle soup.
- What a wonderful story. - What do you mean?
Your dad's story about turtle soup. It'd be great in one of our scripts.
He'll recognize it.
- I don't think so. He'll be very hurt. - Maybe you're right.
- I feel very bad about tonight. - Honey, it's just a simple party.
- It's no big thing. - It's not the party, it's you.
I'm fine. Everything is fine, really.
- Hurry up! Party's already started. - Coming!
- Let's go. - Tell me what's the matter.
It'll only take a second before we go down and see everyone.
Nothing's the matter.
I think it's time for a toast.
This is it? This is the anniversary party?
I think you'll like the champagne, Richard. Upstate New York, tough little grape.
Thank you, sir, and congratulations.
We're flattered to be on your guest list.
You know, Richard...
I always found that parties where you have guests are such a nuisance.
I'd like to toast two of the most wonderful people in my life.
Thank you for everything.
I love you.
I think there can be nothing more fitting on this...
our 40th wedding anniversary than to...
welcome in the next generation of loving couples.
So, here's to our wonderful daughter, Paula...
and her husband, Richard.
May you be as happy in your next 40 years together...
as Ellie and I have been in ours.
And success with your new play.
It's a movie, Mother.
It's so big.
Biggest condominium in Virginia, honey.
Eighteen thousand people, all under one roof.
Really?
God, I wish you would've told your parents we got married.
I'll tell them, honey. I'm waiting for the right moment, that's all.
- I'm gonna tell them. - Okay.
I'm nervous.
Of course you're nervous, but they're nice people.
You're gonna like them right away, and they'll love you.
Here we are.
I'll get it! Just a second!
- I'll get it! - Oh, my God. It's my mother.
- Close your eyes. - What?
- Hi, Mom! - Hello!
- Come on, Paula. - My baby!
- It's so good to see you. - Mama, this is Paula.
Well, it's about time!
- Nice to see you. - Look at that pretty little thing.
Richard, let me tell you right off. Your sister's here with the kids.
- Nellie's here, great! - Not so great. She's moved in.
She and Derek, I don't think they'll make it.
Derek is Nellie's third husband.
Why didn't you tell me Nellie was here? We would've stayed at a hotel.
Don't be silly, there's a convertible sofa in the den.
I trust you two sleep together.
Tom! Richard's here! Nellie, where are you?
Boys, come on. Give your Uncle Richard a big kiss!
Uncle Richard, oh, my God!
- How are you? - I'm fine.
This is Paula.
Paula, I'm so pleased to meet you! I've heard so much about you.
Everybody hold still.
Tell me something, Richard, which way did you come?
Did you go east to Syracuse and then down 91?
Across the 270 and on to the beltway?
- From Buffalo? - Yeah.
No, Pop, we got on the New York State Thruway...
then we got on 67, came right on in here.
You didn't use the access road off of 70 and cross Leesburg Pike?
No.
I used to be with the Federal Department of Transportation.
I was with them for 36 years. I made all those access roads.
As a matter of fact, that's why you should use access roads after 4:00 p.m.
You do away with bottlenecks. The traffic moves right along.
And you don't pay tolls.
When are we gonna see this movie that you and Richard wrote?
As I was saying, before we had to sit down to dinner, the man never stopped talking.
He just went on and on.
- You never pay tolls. - I pay tolls.
If there'd been some compensation... That's my word for the year.
...compensation in bed might have been more palatable.
But I'm telling you, he had a pee pistol the size of Robbie's here. Like that.
Nellie, I don't think the dinner table is the proper place...
to talk about the size of Derek's pee pistol.
Do you always have to be the guardian of good taste?
- Paula, am I offending you? - Well, no.
- There. You see? - She's being polite.
After all, what can she say?
Annie, isn't it quicker to come by Riker's Tunnel...
instead of the interstate? Say something about it. Don't just nod.
- Yes, it's quicker. - Hold it!
I have an announcement to make. I'd like to say something.
Go ahead, Richard.
I don't know if this is the appropriate time to say this or not.
But I don't know if there's ever really an appropriate time to say this.
But we'd like to... Paula and I, we'd like to say...
- We'd like to tell you... - You don't have to. I can guess!
- You're engaged! - I told you, Mother!
Who's engaged?
They're engaged!
- They're engaged! - Hold it.
We're not engaged. We're married.
What a surprise.
I hope you're pleased.
Of course we're pleased. It's just that we're just taken aback...
- you understand? - I understand.
It must feel very funny hearing about it after we've already done it.
I think it's wonderful.
It's like the life cycle. As someone dies, a baby is born.
I'm getting divorced, you're getting married.
Out with the old, in with the new.
Mother, now don't you think it's wonderful?
Well, our dinner's getting cold.
Why don't we all just eat up?
Don't any of the windows open in this place?
I don't know. The whole condominium is temperature-controlled.
I just need some air.
There's not enough air in this place.
I just need a little.
A little air.
What are you mumbling about?
I can't breathe.
Didn't you have any oxygen when you were growing up?
- What is your problem? - I don't know.
- I'm just tired. - Yeah?
Oh, God, I'm tired. I'm sorry, honey.
Have you noticed that you're tired on a queen-size bed?
I mean, my family, people of this house, they sleep together.
They just have to take turns breathing.
Yes?
Mom, please.
Someday you're gonna thank me for this.
- Paula, are there any wedding pictures? - No, Mrs. Babson.
Something has to be recorded.
This could be the most important time of your life together.
Mother likes to record every moment possible.
- Grandma! - All right, dear.
They want to know if they can play video games till it's time to go to bed.
Well, we wanna spend... This is not a great time.
- It's fine. They can come right in. - Thank you.
- Can I borrow Richard for a second? - Fine.
I want to talk to him about something.
Now, I don't want you boys bothering Paula, you hear?
Okay.
- Gonna be okay, honey? - Your turn's over.
I'm fine. Just fine.
Dang!
Where are the pinwheel cookies?
Daddy hides them from the kids. They're over the fridge.
I love pinwheel cookies. You know, you can't get these out in L.A.
What did you do that for?
I'm so furious with you, I'm beside myself!
What's wrong?
How dare you deny us the opportunity of seeing our only son get married!
No warning. No chance to do anything, to send you anything.
Not a present, not a card. Not a phone call to wish you well!
Your father's so upset, he's out playing cards.
He plays cards every night.
Well, he went early tonight.
He's absolutely heartbroken.
I wouldn't take it too lightly if I were you. The man's getting old.
- Mother. - No, don't touch me.
I'll be fine. I just need some time.
Oh, my God.
Hello.
Who's calling? Who?
Just a minute. It's for you. Larry somebody.
Hello, Larry.
What do you mean, where am I? You called me.
Excuse me.
You're in New York? Look, we'll be back in L.A. on Sunday.
Sunday? Does he know you just got married?
Larry, they're not gonna shoot the scene...
- Just tell him you're on your honeymoon. - Another week.
No, we're not gonna cut our vacation short!
We'll rewrite it when we get back. Goodbye, Larry.
You're on your honeymoon.
How am I gonna get a party together by Sunday?
We don't want a party, Mother.
I can't believe it.
I cannot believe it.
Oh, God. Oh, my God!
I don't know what to do!
- Get the camera. - What?
I want you to take my picture.
Come on, Richard. I want to record the worst day of my life.
Go on.
- This is ridiculous. - You have to hurry, Richard!
Shoot it!
- Go on. - How do you do that?
- Uncle Richard. - Out.
Richard, want another English muffin?
I'd love one, Mom.
Why don't you get it?
She likes doing things for me.
- Here, I'll help you. - No.
You're gonna have plenty of time to do things for Richard...
so you just take it easy.
Richard and I have lived together for a long time.
He knows how to do those things for himself.
I'm sure he does, but now that you're married...
Now that we're married, what?
Mother, I have no idea what I'm going to wear tonight.
- Paula, what are you wearing? - Why? Where am I going?
- To the party! - To the party? What party?
I forgot to tell you, honey. The folks are giving us a wedding celebration.
A nice idea?
Why, what a lovely idea.
Something simple at Clyde's Restaurant. A few friends, a few relatives.
You remember that real pretty dress I brought with me. Where is it?
- Why didn't you tell me? - Again? It happens every year.
I hung it very carefully in the closet.
- All right, then. That's where it is. - No. It isn't!
- What time is it in California now? - It's 7:00.
I'll get it!
I better go find Nellie's dress.
Paula, would you see the boys get plenty of coffee.
Richard, I'm very impressed.
There's a chauffeur at the door. Says there's a Mr. Weisman downstairs.
- What's Larry doing here? - He wants to talk to the two of you.
Who's Larry?
You understand why we're all in a panic there.
- Can you fly back this afternoon? - We just got here.
So? You've seen your parents.
You're healthy. They're healthy. Everybody's fine. They'll understand.
Maybe if it's that important, we should, honey.
- When do you need the pages? - Sunday, latest.
Tell us what you want. We'll do them here, and bring them on Sunday.
I don't think we can work here. I think we should go back.
I'll tell you, Paula may have a point.
- We'll do it here! - Here's good. Wherever's good for you.
It doesn't matter to me. But Sunday, promise me, okay?
Goodbye, Larry.
It was good seeing you.
The changes.
One last thing about the ending...
when the characters leave the building, they have to walk off into a fake sunset.
- What are you talking about? - A fake sunset? Why?
Jean-Claude wants it to be surrealistic, kind of like Coppola.
So that at the end, we're not sure if any of it ever really happened.
I would love to stay and celebrate.
I've got to get back to New York. I left Kenny at the hotel. See you.
What are we gonna do? When do we start writing?
Saturday.
Richard, do we have to go to the party?
Don't start, Paula.
It was very sweet of your parents to do this...
but do we actually have to show up?
Look. I know you don't want to make a big deal out of this marriage...
but to my parents, it is a big deal.
So would you do me a favor? Would you let them help us out?
lt'll be over in a few days and we'll be out of here.
Okay.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
What'll I wear?
Why don't you wear the same thing you wore at your parents' anniversary?
That?
It's not likely the same crowd will be at this party.
I need air.
Doesn't anybody ever breathe in this place?
I need some air.
- What do you want? - Air!
You want some air? Here, I'll give you some air, Paula.
- I'll give you air. - What are you doing?
- You want air or you want to talk? - Stop it.
- What do you want? - I want...
- I want to take a shower. - Then take a shower.
Take it with me.
I already took a shower.
Wait a minute, Mother.
Let me turn this around, so you get a better picture.
God, I love weddings.
I'm Marion, Richard's second cousin.
This is my second husband Bob Talbot, and our daughter Toni.
I'm Bob Skinner, an old friend of Richard's. I wanna tell you, he got some dish!
Hello. I am so pleased to meet you. I'm Edwina Coolie.
I'm not with this party. I'm having dinner in the main part of the dining room...
but I heard there were some celebrities back here. Just wanted a peek.
Paula, congratulations. I'm Ron Barbero. I handle all the Babsons' insurance.
Now that you're married, if you need anything, give me a call.
Paula! Don't move!
You know how crazy it is? You're getting married now...
and the rest of us are getting rid of our first wives.
You and Barbara are splitting up?
What can I tell you?
Nice talking to you.
There. That will be a good one. Thanks. You're a darling. That's real sweet.
- Hi, Mother. - Isn't this a wonderful party?
I think so.
How long have you known each other?
- A month? - Six weeks.
- How about you? - Five years.
Living together for three.
- No wonder you're not in a hotel room. - Oh, you're bad.
Are you planning to have children?
- I don't know. - Really?
You should think about it. You're not getting any younger.
Excuse me.
Richard, what is it? What's wrong, dear?
Paula. Where you going?
I'm going to the ladies' room, and I'm going to stay there.
- You all right? - I'm fine.
Pick me up when you're ready to leave. Take your time. Enjoy yourself.
It's a lovely party, sweetheart. Everyone's having a wonderful time.
I am going to the ladies' room.
Are you crazy? You can't spend the night in a bathroom.
- They're giving this party for us. Come on. - Let go of my arm.
Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
What's going on?
I am sorry. We're just having a domestic squabble.
- I want you to take one of these. - No.
It's just a Valium. It'll just relax you.
- I don't take drugs. - It's not a drug. It's a muscle relaxant.
Now come on, take it. It will help you calm your nerves.
Come on.
I want you to keep this with you until we get back to California.
Any time you feel tense, you take one of those.
When we get back there, we'll sort it all out.
I don't want another scene like we had tonight. Not here.
I'm sorry.
I guess you think I'm pretty cute.
I guess you're pretty crazy about me, aren't you?
I'm in a bad mood.
I'd like to stay that way for a while.
So don't try to make me laugh, okay?
Break an egg.
- Not now. - Please break an egg on my head. Please.
Honey, I'm sorry.
I love you.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm always sorry.
- You like it? - I like it.
Thanks, Pop.
Paula?
I'm going with Pop out to the club, probably spend most of the day there.
- Is that okay? - Sure.
I feel much better today. Really, I do. I really feel fine.
Good.
If I get back early, we can work on the rewrite.
No. I'm spending the whole day with your mother and Nellie.
We're gonna go shopping, buy a wedding present for us.
Then we're going to get our hair done. Then we'll go have lunch somewhere.
- Isn't that good? - Great.
I took a Valium.
Come on.
Nellie, it's time to leave.
- Hurry up, for God's sake. - I just got in!
We'll be late for the beauty parlor. We can't keep Ramon waiting.
Paula, dear, you ready?
- Nellie! - What?
- Ready. - I am ready. Paula?
Ready.
What are those?
The ones with rings around the necks are Canadian geese.
The other ones are mallards.
I thought ducks went south for the winter.
Not all of them.
Some get too old to make the trip.
I like to help out a little.
- Mom thinks we're playing golf. - Yeah.
So you got married.
I guess you're too old for a father-and-son talk.
Try me.
- Are you kind? - Yes, sir.
- Patient and understanding? - Try to be.
- Got a sense of humor? - Thank God.
- Know all about sex? - More than you.
Don't be so sure.
- What do you think? Did I pass? - Nope.
None of those things got a damn thing to do with making a marriage.
Good. Because I was lying.
The only important thing is, do you love her?
I've been tuning your mother out for 42 years...
but I still love her.
I know, Dad.
We should've had your nails wrapped. Men love long red nails on their backs.
- How's your chicken salad? - What?
Your salad. Is it good?
Know what I was thinking, Mother?
Now that Paula and Richard are moving into a larger house...
- I was thinking about... - I was thinking the very same thing.
- You were? - Only we'll have to coordinate it, though...
so we don't both impose at the same time.
I mean, you'll be wanting to take the boys with you.
About time they learned to swim.
- Can I get you anything else? - Nothing more for me, thank you.
- No, thank you. - Sure.
What would you like?
Can I get you something else, or are you all set?
Here's another thought, Mother...
before you say no, you give it some consideration.
If Paula and Richard did have the extra room...
it might be a good idea if we all went out together.
That way we could drive.
So if I wanted to go out at night...
and you could baby-sit the boys.
Of course, not all the time.
Some nights I could bring the date over to the house...
Nellie, that's one hell of a long trip.
I just hope you don't think your father's gonna do all the driving.
- The man is old... - Did I say Dad had to do the driving?
All I'm saying is how're we gonna...
- I'm talking about planning a nice trip... - We ought to...
- What's the matter with her? - Oh, my God! She's fainted!
Get a what?
I want you to go get the car and get Richard.
Quick. Please!
- I'm afraid, I know that... - Hi.
- How are you feeling? - Fine.
I'm sorry I embarrassed you and your family.
- What happened? - I just wanted to relax.
Relax?
I took a Valium. Then I took another one.
And then I couldn't remember when I took the one before...
so I guess I took another.
I'm sorry, honey.
There's a leak in the bedroom.
I just got a pot to put under it.
- What the hell is going on here? - What?
- Where did I park my car? - What?
- Where did I park my goddamn car? - Probably out front.
- Oh, my God. What happened? - We got married. That's what happened.
I told you marriage would screw up the relationship.
That's not what screwed up the relationship.
- Here, put this on. You're soaking. - I don't want it.
- Richard, please don't be silly. - I don't want it. It's not raining.
That's heaven relieving itself on my head.
- Richard, please. - It's all a sign, Paula.
You know why this happened, don't you?
- You know why. - No. Tell me why.
Because we got married, that's why. That's what does it. Marriage.
- What marriage? - Our marriage.
We never had any marriage.
We went right from the ceremony to separating. No marriage.
What was that two weeks back East, Roman Holiday?
We were married then, and it ruined everything.
That was no marriage. That was two weeks in a cradle.
Poor baby doesn't like being tucked in.
Doesn't like having to shovel all that mean old snow.
Look at you, trying to kill yourself in a tearoom.
I was not trying to kill myself!
No, you just had to take 14 Valium to get through your pastrami on rye!
I did not have pastrami on rye, I had chicken salad, you asshole!
I'm moving out.
Hello?
Okay.
Hi, Larry.
What? The script?
No, we didn't.
Larry, please.
Don't get crazy, okay? All right, I'll try and find Richard.
I don't know where he is, okay? I'll just try and find him.
All right!
Jeez!
I would love to, I can't today. I got my kid with me right now.
Yeah, Kenny. He's right here in the office with me.
I like to give Karen a break every once in a while.
You want to say hello to Kenny?
He's a big boy now. He talks and everything. Hold a second.
Kenny, honey, come here, say hello to Uncle Gil.
Sorry. All of a sudden he's shy. Doesn't want to come to the phone.
Okay, I'll talk to you later. Yeah.
Lunch soon. Promise me, okay? Don't let me down, man.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Okay.
Where is it?
We ran into a little snag. We're not quite finished.
Snag? You guys ran into a little snag?
I have a $10-million movie here with no ending...
because you guys ran into a little snag?
Only writers use words like that. Snag.
A snag you have. What's a snag? You promised!
You guys promised me!
We separated.
I'm really very sorry to hear that, but what's that got to do with my movie?
I want those pages.
I don't think we can work together.
No, don't tell me that. I don't want to hear that. No!
I am going to put you guys in an office right next door here...
and I want to see the new pages today. Got that? You understand?
- You're not listening to her. - I'm not listening to her.
I'm not listening to you. I've got a problem!
I will listen to your problem when the work is done.
- You want the work done? - Yes!
- Why don't you get Kenny to do it? - That is not funny. That is low.
And you just leave Kenny out of this, okay?
That kid would never do to me what you guys are doing to me now.
Now, both of you are professionals. I want you to do it, okay?
I don't want to see either of you until the work is done.
We're shooting in the morning. I want the pages now.
Is that understood?
Carol?
Come in here and show them the office, please.
If you want me, I'll be on the set.
It's just next door here.
Larry took the phones out so you wouldn't be disturbed.
So if you need anything, just holler.
Are you two all right?
No, we're not all right.
- Wanna take a break? - Sure.
- Let's send out for some food. - I want to go somewhere. I'm starving.
- What do you want to eat? - I don't care. Anything.
- Chinese? - I'm not in the mood for Chinese.
Mexican? The Villa Taco?
I don't know, I'm not sure what I want. Something.
Thai. There's a Thai restaurant near here.
- Italian. You always liked Italian. - Anything.
French. Deli food. Hungarian.
Too heavy. Whatever. Whatever you want.
Japanese. Tempura.
Sukiyaki, teriyaki. Anything like that appeal to you?
- I don't care. Whatever. - How about shit on a shingle?
All right, that's not funny. I said it didn't matter.
We can't make up our mind on anything. We're talking about stinking food here!
- I'm not hungry anymore. - I am.
- Then go eat. - No.
I go and eat, I come back, then you want to eat.
We're gonna stay here.
We're gonna stay here until we finish the goddamn scene.
Leo pushes...
the door open.
And heads down an empty hallway.
Down a darkened hallway.
An empty, darkened hallway.
All right. An empty, darkened hallway.
You think there's going to be a crowd? It's 4:00 in the morning.
He appears to be confused.
He stops at the door to Jacobson's office.
He listens. There's no sound from within.
He then very slowly takes his hand...
Are you dictating?
- It sounds like you're dictating. - I'm not dictating.
- You got the ending all worked out... - You can jump in any time.
Thank you very much. That's very nice of you.
What do you want to say?
I'm not saying it wasn't all right.
It's your attitude. You're treating me like a secretary.
I'm very sorry. Would you like me to type?
Yes, I would.
The ending's all worked out in your head...
- put it down on paper. - I don't have it all worked out.
Then what are we going to do? We ought to talk about it.
We can't have Leo walking down corridors all his life.
He doesn't have to be walking down a corridor.
It's all right if he does. But what's going to happen afterwards?
We were just getting to that.
No, you were getting to that. We've never discussed it.
Let's just discuss it now. Sit down. We'll talk about it.
He's in the corridor alone, right?
So... I don't know.
Either he has to go into Jacobson's office or into his own.
So what do you think?
Hello?
Do you have something to say?
I'm thinking.
How am I supposed to know that? You're staring.
What am I supposed to stare at when I'm thinking?
When you think, you stare.
Want me to hold up a sign saying, "I'm thinking"?
Oh, please. Forget it.
What the hell are we going to do?
Just because our relationship's in the toilet...
doesn't mean we can't work together.
Hi, how's it going? Where are we now?
In the corridor.
We're still in the corridor?
He's on another floor!
Good. Listen, kids.
Karen and I went through some pretty rough times together, too.
Commitment. Discipline. Make it work.
I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him dead.
I'm gonna take his head off...
I'm gonna chop it up in little pieces.
I'm gonna grind him down. I'm gonna step on him...
and then maybe I'll feed him to the dog.
Oh, God!
I'm going to tell Larry we can't do it.
Come on. It's one stinking scene.
We've been here since 11:00 this morning. We're not going to do it.
You want to quit?
Quit? I'm not the one riding the bike.
God. I can't stand this.
I'm going crazy. I'm really going to go crazy in here.
You want me to tell him we can't write two lousy pages?
I'll tell him. Larry, we can't write two lousy pages!
There. You feel better?
All of a sudden you know just what to say.
You've got all the words to put together now.
- What's that supposed to mean? - That for the last 14 hours...
you have not contributed one thing to this scene!
I see. This is what you wrote.
You like that? You wrote this, too.
Isn't that great? Are you proud of what you wrote?
Isn't this nice stuff that you wrote here? You like it?
- Yes, I like it. - Do you want it framed?
Let me tell you one thing, you little shit! I'm better than you are.
- What? - Any day.
It's locked.
Did you think he's stupid enough to lock us in here?
- Is the door locked? - Yes, it's locked.
- lf it's locked, he locked us in. - How do you know he locked us in?
Because the door is locked.
Is the door locked? Yes! So we can't get out!
Did you try to get out? Yes. And you couldn't get out. So it's locked!
Do you understand the word "locked"?
That means you can't get out!
I need air.
She doesn't understand the word "locked."
- L-o-c-k-e-d! Locked! - Air.
Air? You want air? I'll give you air!
Here. There's air! Come here.
Stick your snout out there! Are you getting any air?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Paula.
Let's not go through any more pain.
We'll file for divorce in the morning.
Do you know what the worst part is?
It's that right now...
I need to go and tell my best friend all my problems...
but you're my best friend, and I'm losing you.
You're not losing me. I'll always be your best friend.
But that's not who I wanted to marry.
When you get married you're supposed to...
have romance and passion and all that.
We didn't have any.
Yes, we did. We had it all.
Then why couldn't we just have left it alone?
Because I loved you so much...
I wanted to say it to the whole world.
You didn't want to marry your best friend. I did.
We had it all, Paula.
That could have been the best exit line of your life.
I know. I forgot it was locked.
I guess you're stuck with me.
- I said the perfect... - I know.
- Then I went to the door. - I know.
- Did you hear what I said? - I did. Every word.
- I said I loved you. - I love you, too.
I wasn't going to leave. I was gonna go somewhere and call you.
I know.
- I have a wonderful idea. - What?
How would you like to make love to a married woman?
Maybe.
Come on.
Why don't you try? I'm told we're great.
I'll do my best.
You were right.
Leo and Jacobson don't have to go into the corridor at all.
They don't even have to go in the building.
I don't give a shit.
You will.
This is good.
Wait till Kenny reads this. Two weeks, tops.
Leo's out in the corridor. No, he's in. No, he's out.
Good. He goes out of the corridor, leaves the building...