Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Good evening, Mr. Clavin.
How lovely to see you again.
It's a trick, isn't it?
You're gonna hurt me.
Yeah, what's the story here, Carla?
You've been acting very strange all evening.
Why? What did I do?
Well, for example, you've poured me three beers
without once flicking the foam up my nose.
You haven't even spit on anybody.
What is it, honey?
Trouble at home?
All right, I'm gonna tell you guys.
I went to see Madam Lazora this morning.
Your fortune teller?
Palmist.
Anyway, she told me that my courtesy to others tonight
could result in substantial wealth.
Ah. And I'm telling you,
tonight I'm taking no chances.
What, you're not even going to insult anybody?
Well, not unless I can do it so subtly
that he doesn't know he's been insulted.
No, tonight the bigger jackass a guy is,
the more courteous I am gonna be.
I'll start with numero uno.
Now, I do hope you'll allow me the incredible privilege
of serving you a beer, Mr. Clavin.
¶ Sometimes you want to go
¶ Where everybody knows your name ¶
¶ And they're always glad you came ¶
¶ You want to be where you can see ¶
¶ Our troubles are all the same ¶
¶ You want to go where everybody knows your name. ¶
You're in early tonight, Frasier.
Yes, I'm meeting a former colleague,
Dr. Lawrence Crandell, for a pre-dinner drink.
He's in town on a book tour.
Oh, yeah? He's a writer, huh?
Ooh, I should say so.
He's written a raging best seller.
You know, if I wasn't so thoroughly happy
in my own life, I might even stoop to being
just a bit envious of a former colleague
who's now so widely successful.
Well, that is if you measure success
by dollars and cents, popularity, personal fame.
I'm happy for him.
What's the book about?
Who gives a damn?
Sorry. It's, uh, a marriage manual.
It's entitled, the, uh, The Forever Couple:
The Joy of Loving One Person
For the Rest of Your Life.
Ah, science-fiction.
Those usually sell great.
But you know, success does have its price tag.
He's been away from his wife, Valerie,
for the better part of a year.
Jeez, you know, I think I'd go crazy
if I was away from Lilith for that long.
I don't even like to think about it.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Well, I do think about it.
I don't enjoy it.
I'm sure not.
Well, I do enjoy it, but...
I'm not proud of the fact.
Frasier.
Larry, good to see you again.
Good to see you.
Have I told you how thrilled I am
about the success of your book?
Yes, you have.
It's a fabulous book.
You know, I was just thinking
what a wonderful gift it would make.
Have you read it?
Well, no, I was hoping someone might give it to me.
Let me get you a drink.
Oh, thanks, black and white, neat.
Ah, Lawrence,
this is Rebecca Howe.
This is Lawrence Crandell.
How do you do? Pleased to meet you.
And this is Sam Malone.
Oh, not the Sam Malone?
Oh, you were a hell of a pitcher. I saw you
strike out Reggie Jackson.
Made him look like a fool.
Oh, well... I can hardly blame him
for knocking you off the mound
the next time up with that line drive.
So, uh, Frasier told me that you've, uh,
been baching it a long time here.
It must be pretty rough, huh?
Say, why didn't you just bring Valerie with you?
Well, you know, she hates to travel.
Besides, we decided this was a perfect
opportunity to test my theories
about marital fidelity.
And I'm glad to say after ten months of celibacy,
I can now pronounce my principle sound.
After ten months of celibacy,
I couldn't even pronounce my name.
I make it a point to tell my wife at least once a day,
"You're my world, you're my life, I love you."
I'll bet my wife would love to hear those words.
Could you give her a call?
So the book's doing pretty good, huh?
Yeah, it has been received rather well.
In fact, this last review is so embarrassingly good,
I should just wad it up and throw it away.
But I need several hundred copies first.
Is there a photocopy machine around here?
Yeah, Rebecca's got one in her office.
You don't mind, do you?
No, help yourself.
That's very kind of you.
Any special instructions?
Yes, just push the blue button.
It's right under the sign that says, "This machine
is for photocopying documents, not your butt."
All set?
Thanks again.
You're welcome.
Miss Howe, may I ask you something?
Sure.
I hope you won't take this the wrong way,
but my field is human sexual dynamics.
And just now I had the strangest impression--
please, tell me if I'm wrong--
that something happened
when you and I were introduced.
I sensed some spark,
some flicker of response on your part.
Very subtle,
but unmistakable.
Was I imagining that?
I think so.
Well, my mistake.
I'm sure you understand.
Of course.
You-You-You are aware I wasn't being judgmental?
Of course.
It's the response itself that interested me.
Purely as a scientist.
And you are quite sure
that on some very basic level,
you didn't experience an undeniable attraction?
Positive.
Well, I'm glad we cleared that up.
Still, I can't keep from wondering...
...whether your subconscious
may not be trying to tell us something.
I swear to you, Dr. Crandell...
I mean, when I hear
such facile denial,
it always sets off a little alarm in my head.
Dr. Crandell.
Call me Lawrence.
Let me make this as clear as I know how.
There was no attraction when we met, or since.
I felt nothing.
I feel nothing.
Zero, nada, zip.
Zip.
Interesting unconscious choice of word.
out.
All right, sorry.
Man.
I give up.
You make me crazy with desire.
I can't keep my hands off you!
What do you want?!
Sign these invoices, and then be gentle.
Why don't you sit over there, Walter?
You suppose I might trouble you for two brandies, Miss Howe?
Ask the bartender.
Of course we can help you.
Woody, uh, pour Dr. Crandell a couple of our house brand.
Two house brands
on the house.
That's very kind of you, Sam.
One seldom gets to sample a good Nigerian Cognac.
Weren't you kind of rude to Dr. Crandell?
Was I? Sorry.
Well, what'd he ever do to you?
I don't know. Nothing. Never mind.
Your hostility was unmistakable.
All right.
The man came on to me in my office.
Dr. Crandell came on to you?
What'd he do?
Did he touch you?
No, he did not touch me.
Make an indecent proposal?
Of course not.
Comment on your looks,
ask you for a date, whistle, flash, what?
He asked about my feelings.
The man should be horse whipped!
Rebecca, of course he asked about your feelings.
I mean, it's his field.
The man is an analyst.
He's written volumes on human sexual attraction.
Wait, wait, so, uh, then what happened?
I'll tell you what happened, Mr. Smarty Pantses.
He... thanked me politely and he left.
Oh, that doesn't seem so terrible, does it?
Rebecca, I assure you,
you must have misunderstood his intentions.
I mean, he's in love with his wife.
They're the most happily married couple I know.
Gee, I guess I could have been wrong.
What if he was just being psychological or something?
I should apologize to him, huh?
I guess you should.
We'll be in touch.
Dr. Crandell, may I speak with you a moment?
Of course.
Oh, I want to apologize to you for having
that conversation and then me getting a little bit upset.
I hope you don't think me rude.
Oh, of course not.
You answered my questions honestly
in the spirit in which they were asked.
So that's the end to that.
Oh, good. Thank you.
That's all right.
You meet someone, you find him unattractive,
even repulsive, it happens.
Well, I don't think you're repulsive.
No, no, please.
Don't think you have to worry about my feelings.
I think you're an attractive man.
Really, that's very flattering.
As a matter of fact,
I'm really quite awkward and uncomfortable around women.
As a matter of fact, the very idea
of my propositioning you or having an opening line,
or doing something so blatant as...
Rubbing your foot along my leg?
Exactly.
You're doing that right now.
Oh, goodness. Was that you?
I'm sorry, I thought it was the table leg.
The supple, quivering table leg that goes on forever.
A natural mistake.
You're still doing it.
You have a hole in your sock.
Like it?
Dr. Crandell, I want you
to keep your foot where it belongs.
Ow!
Cheers.
Dr. Crandell?
Telephone.
It's Mrs. Dr. Crandell.
Thank you.
I left the number here.
Hello, honey, my darling!
My reason for living!
Oh, that slime ball hypocrite.
What?! Get-Get over here.
That tears it.
What was that about?
He toed my calf.
What?
Excuse me?
He was rubbing his foot on my leg.
Well, perhaps he was just trying to cross his legs
and he accidentally bumped into you.
What do you think I am, a nitwit?
I am telling you
that your distinguished,
happily married friend was coming on to me.
Oh, please.
He was!
Do you realize that you are
impugning the reputation of a man that literally
wrote the book on fidelity in marriage.
You've insulted him,
and frankly, you've insulted me.
No, you know, I see what's going on here.
You know, you just projected your frustrations
on to somebody else, because it's been too long
since you had your tires rotated.
And I am telling you that he is a lying,
hypocritical sleaze who needs to be neutered.
Excuse me, Frasier.
I think I better be moving along.
Somehow I've antagonized Miss Howe.
Rather than provoke any further embarrassment,
I think it's best to simply
remove my offending personality.
Oh, Larry, must you?
No, no, Dr. Crandell, please.
Uh, you see, you got to understand something
about Rebecca here-- she's had a very difficult
past few... life.
I've sensed some emotional problems there.
It's a pity.
The nerve of that man
saying I have an emotional problem.
I'd like to meet him in a dark alley with a cleaver.
Thank you, sir.
No sirs.
While we're together,
you're not a chamber maid, and I'm not a guest in the hotel.
We're just two vibrant human beings ready
to snatch a moment's pleasure.
I like the way you talk.
Boy, I've never been in one of these rooms
without my vacuum cleaner running.
It's so...
um... quiet.
It is peaceful, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
but you know what's really amazing about this?
I didn't even realize myself that I was attracted to you
until you told me you sensed it.
Well,
human behavior is pretty much an open book to me.
There's nothing I haven't seen or...
or read, or been told about
or seen pictures of.
Or short films.
Well, bottoms up.
Oh, yes, oh, God, yes.
Oh, no, if they find me in here, I'll get fired!
Oh, nonsense. I'll get rid of them.
Hi, it's Miss Howe. May I come in?
Ordinarily I'd say yes,
but you see, I'm expecting a colleague any minute.
So you see, it's really not convenient.
I was just thinking about something you said,
and I wanted to clarify that.
Terrific. We'll have lunch tomorrow and clarify away.
That's a great idea,
but you know, I have been through so much stress
and so much anxiety over this
that I have a terrible, splitting headache.
Do you have any aspirin?
Aspirin?
Yes, if you give me an aspirin,
I think it'll get rid of my headache
and then I can leave you in peace.
Right, aspirin.
Well, I'll try to find it.
Psst!
Get in there.
This is the stupidest thing I've ever done.
You do nine stupid things before breakfast.
Now get in that closet.
Now when...
when he admits that he came on to me,
I want you to leap out
and catch him in the act.
And then we'll prove
once and for all
that he is a lech and I am not cuckoo.
One thing at a time, Rebecca.
Two aspirin coming up.
Two tablets, buffered.
I hope they go down well.
Bye-bye.
Dr. Crandell,
it's not really why I'm here.
It's not?
No.
Now, I know you came on to me
and you know you came on to me.
But I'm not leaving here until you admit it.
All right, I admit it, I came on to you, good night.
Ah-ha.
Ah-ha?
I didn't quite hear that.
Oh, for God's sake,
good night.
Um, please, if you could just say it a little bit louder
and a little clearer
so that I know that there's no mistaking it.
All right, if that will make you happy,
I came on to you, I came on to you.
You know, I'm beginning to regret it.
Ah-ha!
Good night, Miss Howe.
You... Sam!
Would you get the hell out of there?
Sam?
Whoa, boy.
These luxury hotels have great closets.
Did you hear what he just said?
Uh, no, I'm sorry,
I sort of had something in my ear.
You had a woman in here!
Uh, as long as we got that established,
if you need me again,
I'll be back by the shoe rack.
Sam!
Remember our mission?
Now listen to me.
This proves that I am not crazy.
This proves that he is just a lech.
I can explain.
Miss Johnson is my executive secretary.
We have a great deal of dictation together.
Now if you'll excuse us.
You sent for a violinist?
A violinist to do your dictation?
Come on. Now at least,
for God's sakes, have the decency
to come clean and tell Sam the truth.
Oh, all right.
I admit it, it's true.
I've been a very lonely man.
I thought this trip would put my convictions to the test,
but I'm afraid I came up lacking.
I'm sorry if I caused you any pain, Miss Howe.
Well, at least you finally admitted it.
Yes, I'm glad the truth is out.
At last, no more lying.
No more deceit.
- Lawrence? - Guess who?
It's my wife! Hide!
I'm not going in a closet.
Oh, come on.
You'll enjoy it. I'll show you around.
Please, please, you must.
My career is at stake.
So is my marriage.
I've been faithful to this woman for 15 years.
Mostly because she's the scariest bitch
you ever want to meet.
Lawrence, you all right?
I am doing this for your wife, buster.
Uh, Rebecca, I want you to meet Maria.
Hi, Maria, nice to meet you.
What's your name? Zol... Hi, I'm Rebecca.
Lawrence?
Yes, coming, coming.
Oh, Valerie. Darling, what an enormous surprise!
What took you so long to answer the door?
Well, it's this plush carpet.
I caught my little toe.
What brings you here?
Well, when I spoke to you on the phone
and I heard the hunger in that voice,
I couldn't bear to be separated from you one more minute.
Champagne, Larry?
Oh, yes, they bring it up every night.
It's a fabulous hotel.
Let's go get something to eat.
You're not dressed.
Well, we'll go someplace casual.
Well, at least put on a coat.
It's cool out.
I'll buy one on the way. Shall we?
Lawrence, put on a coat.
Right.
Yes, anything you say, dear. I'll just
go to the closet all by myself.
Get my coat all by myself.
I've never seen you in that coat.
I just bought it.
If you don't like it, back it goes.
No, Lawrence, put it on.
Put it on now.
Oh, that tailor.
Well, I'm stopping the payment on that check!
Oh, I'm famished. Let's go.
Whoever is in that closet, come out this instant!
All right, I want an explanation,
and I want it right this minute.
Otherwise, I am going to divorce him.
I am going to take his money,
and I am going to take his reputation, and his career.
And after that I am going to do the same for each
and every one of you.
And believe me, I can do it.
So who is going to come forth with an explanation?
Um, we, uh, we're all here to change the lightbulbs.
Mrs. Crandell, I'm going to tell you the truth.
because I feel that this has gone on too long.
And as usual, I have to be
the voice of reason.
Forgive me for saying this,
but if I were in your shoes, I would want to know.
Your husband came on to me in a local bar.
Do you mean he propositioned you?
Well, he didn't exactly proposition me.
Well, what exactly did he do?
He asked me about my feelings.
That is his field, you know.
That isn't all he did.
He rubbed my leg with his disgusting foot.
She never gets tired of telling this part.
Yes, yes, I admit it.
I accidentally brushed up against her leg with my foot.
I apologized profusely.
He did not have his shoe on.
It was hot in there.
Would you believe the humiliation?
A hole in my $50 hosiery.
Why you filthy...
Okay, fine, fine.
There is a chambermaid in the room.
Explain it.
A chambermaid in a hotel?
Will wonders never cease.
You know, actually, we're going to be running along here.
No, we're not going to be running along.
All right.
How about the fiddler, huh?
I was lonely.
I was going to have him play our song all night.
All right, all right.
So have your loving husband explain
why the four of us were in that closet.
You were there. You mean you don't know?
Yes, I know.
Because you are the scariest bitch
we would ever want to meet.
And you are a little tramp.
Tramp?
Why, I ought to put you...
I'm going to kill your husband!
I'm going to kill him! I'm going to kill you!
He's stupid, he's a fraud!
He's a psycho! He's a...!
I'm going to hunt you down and kill you like a dog!
And why don't you get yourself some new socks, buster?!
Um...
Uh, I can explain everything here.
She just wanted to convince me that she's not crazy.