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Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
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Good evening, Mr. Clavin.
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How lovely to see you again.
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It's a trick, isn't it?
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You're gonna hurt me.
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Yeah, what's
the story here, Carla?
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You've been acting
very strange all evening.
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Why? What did I do?
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Well, for example,
you've poured me three beers
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without once flicking
the foam up my nose.
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You haven't even
spit on anybody.
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What is it, honey?
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Trouble at home?
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All right,
I'm gonna tell you guys.
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I went to see
Madam Lazora this morning.
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Your fortune teller?
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Palmist.
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Anyway, she told me that
my courtesy to others tonight
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could result
in substantial wealth.
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Ah.
And I'm
telling you,
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tonight I'm taking
no chances.
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What, you're not even
going to insult anybody?
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Well, not unless
I can do it so subtly
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that he doesn't know
he's been insulted.
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No, tonight the bigger
jackass a guy is,
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the more courteous
I am gonna be.
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I'll start with numero uno.
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Now, I do hope you'll allow me
the incredible privilege
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of serving you
a beer, Mr. Clavin.
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¶ Sometimes you want to go
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¶ Where everybody
knows your name ¶
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¶ And they're always
glad you came ¶
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¶ You want to be
where you can see ¶
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¶ Our troubles
are all the same ¶
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¶ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ¶
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You're in early
tonight, Frasier.
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Yes, I'm meeting
a former colleague,
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Dr. Lawrence Crandell,
for a pre-dinner drink.
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He's in town
on a book tour.
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Oh, yeah?
He's a writer, huh?
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Ooh, I should say so.
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He's written a raging
best seller.
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You know, if I wasn't
so thoroughly happy
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in my own life, I might
even stoop to being
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just a bit envious of
a former colleague
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who's now so widely
successful.
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Well, that is if
you measure success
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by dollars and cents,
popularity, personal fame.
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I'm happy for him.
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What's the book about?
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Who gives a damn?
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Sorry. It's, uh,
a marriage manual.
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It's entitled, the, uh,
The Forever Couple:
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The Joy of Loving
One Person
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For the Rest
of Your Life.
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Ah, science-fiction.
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Those usually sell great.
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But you know, success
does have its price tag.
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He's been away
from his wife, Valerie,
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for the better part of a year.
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Jeez, you know,
I think I'd go crazy
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if I was away
from Lilith for that long.
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I don't even
like to think about it.
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Yeah, I'll bet.
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Well, I do think about it.
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I don't enjoy it.
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I'm sure not.
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Well, I do enjoy it, but...
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I'm not proud of the fact.
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Frasier.
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Larry, good to see you again.
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Good to see you.
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Have I told you how
thrilled I am
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about the success
of your book?
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Yes, you have.
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It's a fabulous book.
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You know,
I was just thinking
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what a wonderful
gift it would make.
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Have you read it?
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Well, no, I was hoping
someone might give it to me.
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Let me get you
a drink.
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Oh, thanks,
black and white, neat.
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Ah, Lawrence,
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this is Rebecca Howe.
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This is Lawrence
Crandell.
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How do you do?
Pleased to meet you.
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And this
is Sam Malone.
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Oh, not the Sam Malone?
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Oh, you were
a hell of a pitcher. I saw you
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strike out
Reggie Jackson.
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Made him look
like a fool.
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Oh, well...
I can hardly
blame him
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for knocking you
off the mound
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the next time up with
that line drive.
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So, uh, Frasier told me
that you've, uh,
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been baching it
a long time here.
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It must be pretty rough, huh?
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Say, why didn't you just
bring Valerie with you?
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Well, you know,
she hates to travel.
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Besides, we decided
this was a perfect
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opportunity to test
my theories
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about marital fidelity.
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And I'm glad to say after
ten months of celibacy,
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I can now pronounce
my principle sound.
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After ten months of celibacy,
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I couldn't
even pronounce my name.
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I make it a point to tell my
wife at least once a day,
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"You're my world, you're
my life, I love you."
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I'll bet my wife would
love to hear those words.
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Could you give
her a call?
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So the book's doing
pretty good, huh?
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Yeah, it has been
received rather well.
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In fact, this last review
is so embarrassingly good,
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I should just wad it up
and throw it away.
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But I need several
hundred copies first.
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Is there a photocopy
machine around here?
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Yeah, Rebecca's
got one in her office.
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You don't mind,
do you?
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No, help yourself.
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That's very kind of you.
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Any special instructions?
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Yes, just push
the blue button.
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It's right under the sign
that says, "This machine
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is for photocopying documents,
not your butt."
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All set?
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Thanks again.
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You're welcome.
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Miss Howe, may I ask
you something?
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Sure.
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I hope you won't
take this the wrong way,
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but my field
is human sexual dynamics.
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And just now I had
the strangest impression--
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please, tell me if I'm wrong--
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that something happened
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when you and I were introduced.
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I sensed some spark,
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some flicker
of response on your part.
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Very subtle,
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but unmistakable.
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Was I imagining that?
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I think so.
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Well, my mistake.
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I'm sure you understand.
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Of course.
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You-You-You are aware
I wasn't being judgmental?
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Of course.
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It's the response itself
that interested me.
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Purely as a scientist.
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And you
are quite sure
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that on some very basic level,
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you didn't experience
an undeniable attraction?
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Positive.
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Well, I'm glad
we cleared that up.
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Still, I can't keep
from wondering...
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00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:07,663
...whether your subconscious
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may not be trying
to tell us something.
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I swear to you,
Dr. Crandell...
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I mean,
when I hear
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such facile denial,
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it always sets off a little
alarm in my head.
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Dr. Crandell.
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Call me Lawrence.
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Let me make this
as clear as I know how.
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There was no attraction
when we met, or since.
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I felt nothing.
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I feel nothing.
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Zero, nada, zip.
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Zip.
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Interesting unconscious
choice of word.
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out.
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All right, sorry.
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Man.
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I give up.
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You make me crazy with desire.
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I can't keep my hands off you!
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What do you want?!
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Sign these invoices,
and then be gentle.
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Why don't you
sit over there, Walter?
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You suppose I might trouble you
for two brandies, Miss Howe?
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Ask the bartender.
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Of course we can help you.
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Woody, uh, pour Dr. Crandell
a couple of our house brand.
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Two house brands
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on the house.
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That's very kind
of you, Sam.
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One seldom gets to sample
a good Nigerian Cognac.
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Weren't you kind of
rude to Dr. Crandell?
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Was I? Sorry.
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Well, what'd he ever do to you?
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I don't know.
Nothing. Never mind.
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Your hostility
was unmistakable.
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All right.
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The man came on to me
in my office.
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Dr. Crandell
came on to you?
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What'd he do?
196
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Did he touch you?
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No, he did not touch me.
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Make an indecent proposal?
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Of course not.
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Comment on your looks,
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ask you for a date,
whistle, flash, what?
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He asked
about my feelings.
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The man should
be horse whipped!
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00:08:25,235 --> 00:08:28,136
Rebecca, of course he
asked about your feelings.
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I mean,
it's his field.
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The man
is an analyst.
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00:08:31,007 --> 00:08:33,075
He's written volumes on
human sexual attraction.
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Wait, wait, so, uh,
then what happened?
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00:08:35,245 --> 00:08:37,846
I'll tell you what happened,
Mr. Smarty Pantses.
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He... thanked me
politely and he left.
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00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:49,191
Oh, that doesn't seem
so terrible, does it?
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00:08:49,259 --> 00:08:50,392
Rebecca, I assure you,
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00:08:50,459 --> 00:08:51,860
you must have
misunderstood his intentions.
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00:08:51,928 --> 00:08:53,461
I mean,
he's in love with his wife.
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00:08:53,529 --> 00:08:55,497
They're the most happily
married couple I know.
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00:08:55,564 --> 00:08:57,832
Gee, I guess I could
have been wrong.
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00:08:57,901 --> 00:09:00,568
What if he was just being
psychological or something?
218
00:09:01,737 --> 00:09:03,338
I should apologize
to him, huh?
219
00:09:03,406 --> 00:09:04,273
I guess you should.
220
00:09:05,408 --> 00:09:07,175
We'll be in touch.
221
00:09:07,243 --> 00:09:10,579
Dr. Crandell, may I speak
with you a moment?
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00:09:10,647 --> 00:09:11,614
Of course.
223
00:09:11,681 --> 00:09:16,252
Oh, I want to apologize
to you for having
224
00:09:16,319 --> 00:09:19,488
that conversation and then me
getting a little bit upset.
225
00:09:19,556 --> 00:09:21,389
I hope you don't think me rude.
226
00:09:21,457 --> 00:09:22,424
Oh, of course not.
227
00:09:22,491 --> 00:09:24,192
You answered
my questions honestly
228
00:09:24,260 --> 00:09:26,127
in the spirit in which
they were asked.
229
00:09:26,195 --> 00:09:27,963
So that's
the end to that.
230
00:09:28,031 --> 00:09:29,497
Oh, good. Thank you.
231
00:09:29,566 --> 00:09:30,732
That's all right.
232
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,001
You meet someone, you
find him unattractive,
233
00:09:33,069 --> 00:09:35,604
even repulsive,
it happens.
234
00:09:35,672 --> 00:09:38,740
Well, I don't think
you're repulsive.
235
00:09:38,808 --> 00:09:40,008
No, no, please.
236
00:09:40,076 --> 00:09:42,477
Don't think you have to
worry about my feelings.
237
00:09:42,545 --> 00:09:44,580
I think you're
an attractive man.
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00:09:44,647 --> 00:09:46,782
Really, that's
very flattering.
239
00:09:49,251 --> 00:09:50,586
As a matter of fact,
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00:09:50,653 --> 00:09:53,421
I'm really quite awkward and
uncomfortable around women.
241
00:09:53,489 --> 00:09:55,390
As a matter of fact,
the very idea
242
00:09:55,458 --> 00:09:58,410
of my propositioning you
or having an opening line,
243
00:09:58,477 --> 00:10:00,879
or doing something
so blatant as...
244
00:10:00,947 --> 00:10:02,514
Rubbing your foot
along my leg?
245
00:10:02,582 --> 00:10:03,715
Exactly.
246
00:10:03,783 --> 00:10:05,517
You're doing that
right now.
247
00:10:05,585 --> 00:10:08,937
Oh, goodness.
Was that you?
248
00:10:09,005 --> 00:10:12,307
I'm sorry, I thought
it was the table leg.
249
00:10:12,375 --> 00:10:16,378
The supple, quivering table
leg that goes on forever.
250
00:10:16,479 --> 00:10:19,748
A natural mistake.
251
00:10:19,816 --> 00:10:22,267
You're still doing it.
252
00:10:22,334 --> 00:10:25,654
You have a hole
in your sock.
253
00:10:25,722 --> 00:10:28,056
Like it?
254
00:10:40,037 --> 00:10:41,153
Dr. Crandell, I want you
255
00:10:41,221 --> 00:10:43,188
to keep your foot
where it belongs.
256
00:10:43,256 --> 00:10:44,189
Ow!
257
00:10:45,425 --> 00:10:46,492
Cheers.
258
00:10:46,559 --> 00:10:48,494
Dr. Crandell?
259
00:10:48,561 --> 00:10:49,177
Telephone.
260
00:10:49,245 --> 00:10:52,097
It's Mrs. Dr. Crandell.
261
00:10:52,165 --> 00:10:53,698
Thank you.
262
00:10:53,766 --> 00:10:56,168
I left
the number here.
263
00:10:56,236 --> 00:10:58,386
Hello, honey, my darling!
264
00:10:58,454 --> 00:11:00,055
My reason for living!
265
00:11:00,123 --> 00:11:02,507
Oh, that slime ball hypocrite.
266
00:11:02,575 --> 00:11:03,943
What?!
Get-Get over here.
267
00:11:04,010 --> 00:11:05,845
That tears it.
268
00:11:10,349 --> 00:11:11,549
What was
that about?
269
00:11:11,617 --> 00:11:13,051
He toed my calf.
270
00:11:13,119 --> 00:11:14,452
What?
271
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:15,955
Excuse me?
272
00:11:16,022 --> 00:11:18,858
He was rubbing
his foot on my leg.
273
00:11:18,925 --> 00:11:20,259
Well, perhaps he was just trying
to cross his legs
274
00:11:20,326 --> 00:11:21,293
and he accidentally
bumped into you.
275
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,727
What do you think
I am, a nitwit?
276
00:11:22,796 --> 00:11:23,762
I am telling you
277
00:11:23,830 --> 00:11:25,397
that your distinguished,
278
00:11:25,464 --> 00:11:27,800
happily married friend
was coming on to me.
279
00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:28,733
Oh, please.
280
00:11:28,802 --> 00:11:29,634
He was!
281
00:11:29,702 --> 00:11:30,869
Do you realize that you are
282
00:11:30,937 --> 00:11:32,504
impugning the reputation
of a man that literally
283
00:11:32,571 --> 00:11:33,906
wrote the book
on fidelity in marriage.
284
00:11:33,973 --> 00:11:34,907
You've insulted him,
285
00:11:34,974 --> 00:11:36,175
and frankly, you've insulted me.
286
00:11:36,242 --> 00:11:38,177
No, you know, I see
what's going on here.
287
00:11:38,244 --> 00:11:39,778
You know, you just
projected your frustrations
288
00:11:39,846 --> 00:11:41,847
on to somebody else,
because it's been too long
289
00:11:41,915 --> 00:11:43,282
since you had
your tires rotated.
290
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,456
And I am telling you
that he is a lying,
291
00:11:50,523 --> 00:11:54,260
hypocritical sleaze
who needs to be neutered.
292
00:11:54,327 --> 00:11:55,727
Excuse me,
Frasier.
293
00:11:55,796 --> 00:11:58,630
I think I better
be moving along.
294
00:11:58,698 --> 00:12:00,732
Somehow I've antagonized
Miss Howe.
295
00:12:00,801 --> 00:12:03,335
Rather than provoke any
further embarrassment,
296
00:12:03,403 --> 00:12:04,837
I think it's best
to simply
297
00:12:04,905 --> 00:12:05,938
remove my offending
personality.
298
00:12:06,006 --> 00:12:07,072
Oh, Larry, must you?
299
00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:08,657
No, no, Dr. Crandell, please.
300
00:12:08,725 --> 00:12:10,459
Uh, you see, you got
to understand something
301
00:12:10,526 --> 00:12:12,895
about Rebecca here--
she's had a very difficult
302
00:12:12,963 --> 00:12:14,964
past few... life.
303
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:20,002
I've sensed some emotional
problems there.
304
00:12:20,070 --> 00:12:22,971
It's a pity.
305
00:12:23,039 --> 00:12:25,324
The nerve of that man
306
00:12:25,392 --> 00:12:27,826
saying I have
an emotional problem.
307
00:12:27,894 --> 00:12:31,830
I'd like to meet him in
a dark alley with a cleaver.
308
00:12:40,073 --> 00:12:41,340
Thank you, sir.
309
00:12:41,407 --> 00:12:42,374
No sirs.
310
00:12:42,441 --> 00:12:44,009
While we're together,
311
00:12:44,077 --> 00:12:47,746
you're not a chamber maid, and
I'm not a guest in the hotel.
312
00:12:49,115 --> 00:12:52,651
We're just two vibrant
human beings ready
313
00:12:52,719 --> 00:12:55,454
to snatch a moment's pleasure.
314
00:12:55,521 --> 00:12:57,256
I like the way you talk.
315
00:12:58,524 --> 00:13:01,026
Boy, I've never been
in one of these rooms
316
00:13:01,094 --> 00:13:03,161
without my vacuum cleaner
running.
317
00:13:04,413 --> 00:13:06,164
It's so...
318
00:13:06,232 --> 00:13:08,133
um... quiet.
319
00:13:08,201 --> 00:13:10,486
It is peaceful,
isn't it?
320
00:13:10,553 --> 00:13:11,587
Oh, yeah.
321
00:13:11,655 --> 00:13:13,555
but you know what's
really amazing about this?
322
00:13:13,623 --> 00:13:17,993
I didn't even realize myself
that I was attracted to you
323
00:13:18,060 --> 00:13:21,063
until you told me
you sensed it.
324
00:13:21,131 --> 00:13:23,365
Well,
325
00:13:23,432 --> 00:13:26,351
human behavior
is pretty much an
open book to me.
326
00:13:26,419 --> 00:13:29,120
There's nothing
I haven't seen or...
327
00:13:29,188 --> 00:13:31,657
or read,
or been told about
328
00:13:31,724 --> 00:13:34,393
or seen pictures of.
329
00:13:34,461 --> 00:13:36,662
Or short films.
330
00:13:40,684 --> 00:13:42,785
Well, bottoms up.
331
00:13:42,852 --> 00:13:44,787
Oh, yes,
oh, God, yes.
332
00:13:49,976 --> 00:13:52,277
Oh, no, if they find me
in here, I'll get fired!
333
00:13:52,345 --> 00:13:54,213
Oh, nonsense.
I'll get rid of them.
334
00:13:59,919 --> 00:14:02,154
Hi, it's Miss Howe.
May I come in?
335
00:14:02,222 --> 00:14:03,489
Ordinarily I'd say yes,
336
00:14:03,539 --> 00:14:05,024
but you see, I'm expecting
a colleague any minute.
337
00:14:05,091 --> 00:14:06,474
So you see,
it's really not convenient.
338
00:14:06,543 --> 00:14:08,476
I was just thinking
about something you said,
339
00:14:08,545 --> 00:14:10,211
and I wanted
to clarify that.
340
00:14:10,279 --> 00:14:12,331
Terrific.
We'll have lunch tomorrow
and clarify away.
341
00:14:12,399 --> 00:14:13,315
That's a great idea,
342
00:14:13,383 --> 00:14:15,850
but you know,
I have been through
so much stress
343
00:14:15,918 --> 00:14:16,585
and so much anxiety
over this
344
00:14:16,653 --> 00:14:18,703
that I have a terrible,
splitting headache.
345
00:14:18,772 --> 00:14:20,105
Do you have any aspirin?
346
00:14:20,173 --> 00:14:21,022
Aspirin?
347
00:14:21,141 --> 00:14:22,257
Yes, if you give me
an aspirin,
348
00:14:22,325 --> 00:14:23,691
I think it'll get rid
of my headache
349
00:14:23,759 --> 00:14:25,093
and then I can leave
you in peace.
350
00:14:25,161 --> 00:14:26,645
Right, aspirin.
351
00:14:26,712 --> 00:14:27,946
Well, I'll try to find it.
352
00:14:30,883 --> 00:14:32,784
Psst!
353
00:14:32,852 --> 00:14:34,386
Get in there.
354
00:14:34,454 --> 00:14:37,422
This is the stupidest
thing I've ever done.
355
00:14:38,608 --> 00:14:41,643
You do nine stupid things
before breakfast.
356
00:14:42,862 --> 00:14:44,279
Now get in that closet.
357
00:14:44,347 --> 00:14:45,447
Now when...
358
00:14:45,515 --> 00:14:47,298
when he admits
that he came on to me,
359
00:14:47,366 --> 00:14:48,500
I want you to leap out
360
00:14:48,568 --> 00:14:50,119
and catch him
in the act.
361
00:14:50,186 --> 00:14:50,985
And then we'll prove
362
00:14:51,053 --> 00:14:52,470
once and for all
363
00:14:52,538 --> 00:14:55,173
that he is a lech
and I am not cuckoo.
364
00:14:55,241 --> 00:14:56,908
One thing at a time, Rebecca.
365
00:14:58,577 --> 00:15:00,145
Two aspirin coming up.
366
00:15:02,848 --> 00:15:04,616
Two tablets, buffered.
367
00:15:04,683 --> 00:15:07,685
I hope they go down well.
368
00:15:07,753 --> 00:15:08,937
Bye-bye.
369
00:15:10,539 --> 00:15:11,473
Dr. Crandell,
370
00:15:12,575 --> 00:15:14,693
it's not really why I'm here.
371
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:15,627
It's not?
372
00:15:15,695 --> 00:15:17,329
No.
373
00:15:17,397 --> 00:15:21,800
Now, I know
you came on to me
374
00:15:21,867 --> 00:15:24,102
and you know
you came on to me.
375
00:15:24,170 --> 00:15:27,939
But I'm not leaving here
until you admit it.
376
00:15:28,007 --> 00:15:32,043
All right, I admit it,
I came on to you, good night.
377
00:15:32,111 --> 00:15:33,512
Ah-ha.
378
00:15:36,765 --> 00:15:38,500
Ah-ha?
379
00:15:41,537 --> 00:15:44,272
I didn't quite hear that.
380
00:15:44,340 --> 00:15:45,023
Oh, for God's sake,
381
00:15:45,091 --> 00:15:46,241
good night.
382
00:15:46,308 --> 00:15:49,645
Um, please, if you could
just say it a little bit louder
383
00:15:49,712 --> 00:15:50,946
and a little clearer
384
00:15:51,014 --> 00:15:53,415
so that I know that
there's no mistaking it.
385
00:15:53,483 --> 00:15:54,817
All right,
if that will make you happy,
386
00:15:54,884 --> 00:15:57,853
I came on to you,
I came on to you.
387
00:15:57,921 --> 00:15:59,655
You know, I'm beginning
to regret it.
388
00:15:59,722 --> 00:16:01,123
Ah-ha!
389
00:16:01,191 --> 00:16:03,124
Good night, Miss Howe.
390
00:16:03,192 --> 00:16:05,960
You... Sam!
391
00:16:06,028 --> 00:16:07,629
Would you get the hell
out of there?
392
00:16:07,697 --> 00:16:09,431
Sam?
393
00:16:09,499 --> 00:16:10,215
Whoa, boy.
394
00:16:10,366 --> 00:16:14,002
These luxury hotels
have great closets.
395
00:16:19,609 --> 00:16:21,476
Did you hear
what he just said?
396
00:16:21,544 --> 00:16:23,278
Uh, no, I'm sorry,
397
00:16:23,346 --> 00:16:24,680
I sort of had something
in my ear.
398
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,622
You had a woman in here!
399
00:16:34,807 --> 00:16:35,957
Uh, as long as we got that
established,
400
00:16:36,025 --> 00:16:36,791
if you need me again,
401
00:16:36,859 --> 00:16:38,293
I'll be back
by the shoe rack.
402
00:16:38,361 --> 00:16:39,961
Sam!
403
00:16:40,029 --> 00:16:42,063
Remember our mission?
404
00:16:43,433 --> 00:16:44,599
Now listen to me.
405
00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:47,035
This proves that I am not crazy.
406
00:16:47,102 --> 00:16:48,787
This proves that
he is just a lech.
407
00:16:48,854 --> 00:16:49,888
I can explain.
408
00:16:49,956 --> 00:16:52,857
Miss Johnson
is my executive secretary.
409
00:16:52,925 --> 00:16:55,244
We have a great deal
of dictation together.
410
00:16:55,311 --> 00:16:57,812
Now if you'll excuse us.
411
00:16:57,881 --> 00:16:59,314
You sent for a violinist?
412
00:17:02,285 --> 00:17:04,619
A violinist
to do your dictation?
413
00:17:04,687 --> 00:17:07,455
Come on.
Now at least,
414
00:17:07,523 --> 00:17:09,858
for God's sakes,
have the decency
415
00:17:09,926 --> 00:17:12,727
to come clean
and tell Sam the truth.
416
00:17:12,795 --> 00:17:15,430
Oh, all right.
417
00:17:15,498 --> 00:17:17,032
I admit it, it's true.
418
00:17:17,100 --> 00:17:19,368
I've been a very lonely man.
419
00:17:19,435 --> 00:17:21,870
I thought this trip would put
my convictions to the test,
420
00:17:21,938 --> 00:17:24,273
but I'm afraid
I came up lacking.
421
00:17:25,674 --> 00:17:29,260
I'm sorry if I caused you
any pain, Miss Howe.
422
00:17:29,329 --> 00:17:31,563
Well, at least
you finally admitted it.
423
00:17:31,631 --> 00:17:33,231
Yes, I'm glad the
truth is out.
424
00:17:33,299 --> 00:17:35,166
At last,
no more lying.
425
00:17:35,234 --> 00:17:36,935
No more deceit.
426
00:17:38,304 --> 00:17:40,539
- Lawrence?
- Guess who?
427
00:17:42,091 --> 00:17:43,659
It's my wife!
Hide!
428
00:17:45,895 --> 00:17:47,596
I'm not going
in a closet.
429
00:17:47,663 --> 00:17:48,813
Oh, come on.
430
00:17:48,881 --> 00:17:50,565
You'll enjoy it.
I'll show you around.
431
00:17:52,168 --> 00:17:53,869
Please, please, you must.
432
00:17:53,936 --> 00:17:54,936
My career is at stake.
433
00:17:55,004 --> 00:17:56,304
So is my marriage.
434
00:17:56,372 --> 00:17:58,406
I've been faithful
to this woman
for 15 years.
435
00:17:58,474 --> 00:18:00,008
Mostly because
she's the scariest bitch
436
00:18:00,076 --> 00:18:01,376
you ever want to meet.
437
00:18:03,279 --> 00:18:05,797
Lawrence, you all right?
438
00:18:05,865 --> 00:18:09,051
I am doing this
for your wife, buster.
439
00:18:09,118 --> 00:18:11,036
Uh, Rebecca, I want you
to meet Maria.
440
00:18:11,104 --> 00:18:12,337
Hi, Maria,
nice to meet you.
441
00:18:12,405 --> 00:18:14,239
What's your name?
Zol...
Hi, I'm Rebecca.
442
00:18:14,307 --> 00:18:16,275
Lawrence?
443
00:18:16,342 --> 00:18:18,310
Yes, coming, coming.
444
00:18:18,378 --> 00:18:22,281
Oh, Valerie.
Darling, what an
enormous surprise!
445
00:18:22,348 --> 00:18:24,316
What took you so long
to answer the door?
446
00:18:24,384 --> 00:18:25,500
Well, it's this
plush carpet.
447
00:18:25,568 --> 00:18:27,835
I caught my little toe.
448
00:18:27,903 --> 00:18:28,803
What brings you here?
449
00:18:28,871 --> 00:18:30,238
Well, when I spoke
to you on the phone
450
00:18:30,306 --> 00:18:32,674
and I heard the hunger
in that voice,
451
00:18:32,742 --> 00:18:35,877
I couldn't bear to
be separated from you
one more minute.
452
00:18:37,246 --> 00:18:39,731
Champagne, Larry?
453
00:18:39,799 --> 00:18:42,000
Oh, yes, they bring it
up every night.
454
00:18:42,067 --> 00:18:44,536
It's a fabulous hotel.
455
00:18:44,604 --> 00:18:45,370
Let's go get
something to eat.
456
00:18:45,521 --> 00:18:46,654
You're not dressed.
457
00:18:46,722 --> 00:18:48,190
Well, we'll go
someplace casual.
458
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:49,391
Well, at least put
on a coat.
459
00:18:49,459 --> 00:18:50,292
It's cool out.
460
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:52,760
I'll buy one on the way.
Shall we?
461
00:18:52,828 --> 00:18:54,930
Lawrence,
put on a coat.
462
00:18:54,997 --> 00:18:56,197
Right.
463
00:18:56,265 --> 00:18:58,366
Yes, anything
you say, dear. I'll just
464
00:18:58,434 --> 00:19:03,404
go to the closet all by myself.
465
00:19:03,473 --> 00:19:09,277
Get my coat all by myself.
466
00:19:09,345 --> 00:19:11,496
I've never seen you
in that coat.
467
00:19:11,564 --> 00:19:13,065
I just bought it.
468
00:19:13,132 --> 00:19:15,300
If you don't like it,
back it goes.
469
00:19:15,367 --> 00:19:17,519
No, Lawrence, put it on.
470
00:19:17,587 --> 00:19:18,720
Put it on now.
471
00:19:23,993 --> 00:19:26,494
Oh, that tailor.
472
00:19:26,562 --> 00:19:29,697
Well, I'm stopping the payment
on that check!
473
00:19:33,669 --> 00:19:36,104
Oh, I'm famished.
Let's go.
474
00:19:36,172 --> 00:19:38,740
Whoever is in that closet,
come out this instant!
475
00:19:54,590 --> 00:19:57,893
All right,
I want an explanation,
476
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,995
and I want it right this minute.
477
00:20:00,063 --> 00:20:01,396
Otherwise, I am going
to divorce him.
478
00:20:01,463 --> 00:20:03,114
I am going
to take his money,
479
00:20:03,182 --> 00:20:06,134
and I am going to take his
reputation, and his career.
480
00:20:06,202 --> 00:20:08,737
And after that I am going
to do the same for each
481
00:20:08,805 --> 00:20:10,555
and every one of you.
482
00:20:10,623 --> 00:20:14,426
And believe me, I can do it.
483
00:20:14,494 --> 00:20:18,580
So who is going to come forth
with an explanation?
484
00:20:23,069 --> 00:20:28,873
Um, we, uh, we're all here
to change the lightbulbs.
485
00:20:31,710 --> 00:20:33,261
Mrs. Crandell,
I'm going to tell
you the truth.
486
00:20:33,328 --> 00:20:36,297
because I feel that this
has gone on too long.
487
00:20:36,365 --> 00:20:38,700
And as usual, I have to be
488
00:20:38,768 --> 00:20:41,002
the voice of reason.
489
00:20:43,639 --> 00:20:45,807
Forgive me for saying this,
490
00:20:45,875 --> 00:20:49,510
but if I were in your shoes,
I would want to know.
491
00:20:49,578 --> 00:20:53,115
Your husband came on to me
in a local bar.
492
00:20:54,416 --> 00:20:56,885
Do you mean
he propositioned you?
493
00:20:56,953 --> 00:21:01,923
Well, he didn't exactly
proposition me.
494
00:21:01,990 --> 00:21:05,092
Well, what exactly did he do?
495
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:08,029
He asked me
about my feelings.
496
00:21:09,332 --> 00:21:11,633
That is his field, you know.
497
00:21:13,002 --> 00:21:15,971
That isn't all he did.
498
00:21:16,038 --> 00:21:19,874
He rubbed my leg
with his disgusting foot.
499
00:21:19,942 --> 00:21:22,027
She never gets tired
of telling this part.
500
00:21:25,197 --> 00:21:28,232
Yes, yes, I admit it.
501
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:31,036
I accidentally brushed up
against her leg with my foot.
502
00:21:31,103 --> 00:21:32,871
I apologized profusely.
503
00:21:34,206 --> 00:21:36,575
He did not have his shoe on.
504
00:21:37,744 --> 00:21:39,361
It was hot in there.
505
00:21:39,429 --> 00:21:42,063
Would you believe
the humiliation?
506
00:21:42,131 --> 00:21:44,966
A hole in my $50 hosiery.
507
00:21:45,034 --> 00:21:47,586
Why you filthy...
508
00:21:47,653 --> 00:21:49,254
Okay, fine, fine.
509
00:21:49,321 --> 00:21:51,590
There is a chambermaid
in the room.
510
00:21:51,657 --> 00:21:52,557
Explain it.
511
00:21:52,625 --> 00:21:54,793
A chambermaid in a hotel?
512
00:21:54,861 --> 00:21:57,128
Will wonders never cease.
513
00:21:57,196 --> 00:21:59,614
You know, actually, we're going
to be running along here.
514
00:21:59,682 --> 00:22:01,816
No, we're not going
to be running along.
515
00:22:01,884 --> 00:22:03,184
All right.
516
00:22:03,252 --> 00:22:08,256
How about the fiddler, huh?
517
00:22:08,323 --> 00:22:09,791
I was lonely.
518
00:22:09,859 --> 00:22:12,360
I was going to have him play
our song all night.
519
00:22:12,427 --> 00:22:14,129
All right, all right.
520
00:22:14,196 --> 00:22:17,432
So have your
loving husband explain
521
00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:20,601
why the four of us
were in that closet.
522
00:22:20,669 --> 00:22:23,838
You were there.
You mean you don't know?
523
00:22:23,906 --> 00:22:26,708
Yes, I know.
524
00:22:26,775 --> 00:22:28,610
Because you are
the scariest bitch
525
00:22:28,677 --> 00:22:30,277
we would ever want to meet.
526
00:22:32,114 --> 00:22:36,017
And you are
a little tramp.
527
00:22:36,084 --> 00:22:38,786
Tramp?
528
00:22:38,854 --> 00:22:40,371
Why, I ought to put you...
529
00:22:40,439 --> 00:22:41,940
I'm going
to kill your husband!
530
00:22:42,007 --> 00:22:44,442
I'm going to kill him!
I'm going to kill you!
531
00:22:44,510 --> 00:22:46,177
He's stupid, he's a fraud!
532
00:22:46,244 --> 00:22:47,545
He's a psycho!
He's a...!
533
00:22:47,613 --> 00:22:50,682
I'm going to hunt you down
and kill you like a dog!
534
00:22:51,867 --> 00:22:54,936
And why don't you get yourself
some new socks, buster?!
535
00:22:57,073 --> 00:22:58,906
Um...
536
00:22:58,974 --> 00:23:00,975
Uh, I can explain
everything here.
537
00:23:01,043 --> 00:23:03,844
She just wanted to convince me
that she's not crazy.