1
00:00:01,123 --> 00:00:04,058
Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,092 --> 00:00:06,477
Hey, everybody!
3
00:00:06,511 --> 00:00:09,814
I have a great new way
to promote the bar.
4
00:00:09,848 --> 00:00:11,883
No, no, no, no,
5
00:00:11,917 --> 00:00:13,952
you're gonna like this one;
it's different.
6
00:00:13,986 --> 00:00:16,654
It not only demonstrates
social concern,
7
00:00:16,688 --> 00:00:18,989
but it is also
contemporary and hip.
8
00:00:19,024 --> 00:00:22,527
Now, Cheers is the bar
that cares.
9
00:00:22,561 --> 00:00:25,012
Therefore,
if you are not in condition
10
00:00:25,047 --> 00:00:27,382
to drive yourself home,
we will appoint
11
00:00:27,416 --> 00:00:30,585
a designated driver,
free of charge.
12
00:00:30,619 --> 00:00:32,253
Oh, that's nice,
that's really nice.
13
00:00:34,206 --> 00:00:37,842
So is anybody a little tipsy?
14
00:00:37,876 --> 00:00:40,644
Come on,
don't be ashamed.
15
00:00:40,679 --> 00:00:42,847
Does anybody feel
that they might have
16
00:00:42,881 --> 00:00:46,050
the slightest difficulty
driving themselves home?
17
00:00:46,084 --> 00:00:48,520
I might.
18
00:00:48,554 --> 00:00:50,155
Well, hi. I'm Rebecca Howe.
19
00:00:50,189 --> 00:00:53,158
And I would be happy to
drive you home myself.
20
00:00:53,192 --> 00:00:55,660
That's very nice of you.
Where do you live?
21
00:00:55,694 --> 00:00:57,695
Philadelphia.
22
00:00:59,331 --> 00:01:00,965
Well, what's
your address?
23
00:01:00,999 --> 00:01:04,902
Eh, it's a blue house;
I'll know it when I see it.
24
00:01:13,279 --> 00:01:15,880
¶ Sometimes you want to go
25
00:01:15,914 --> 00:01:21,052
¶ Where everybody knows
your name ¶
26
00:01:21,086 --> 00:01:25,489
¶ And they're always glad
you came ¶
27
00:01:25,524 --> 00:01:28,126
¶ You want to be
where you can see ¶
28
00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:30,962
¶ Our troubles
are all the same ¶
29
00:01:30,996 --> 00:01:34,899
¶ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ¶
30
00:01:50,381 --> 00:01:52,166
Frasier?
31
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,768
It's time to take mother
to her hair appointment.
32
00:01:54,803 --> 00:01:56,320
Oh, well,
then we'd better hurry up
33
00:01:56,355 --> 00:01:58,555
before they run out
of her special shade of blue.
34
00:02:00,225 --> 00:02:03,360
Frasier, how many times
have mother and I asked you
35
00:02:03,395 --> 00:02:05,929
to cease and desist
with the snide, cliché,
36
00:02:05,963 --> 00:02:07,297
battle-axe,
mother-in-law jokes?
37
00:02:07,332 --> 00:02:09,033
You know mother's
not like that.
38
00:02:09,067 --> 00:02:10,434
You're right,
dear, I'm sorry.
39
00:02:10,468 --> 00:02:12,903
Uh, I was just trying
to amuse my friends.
40
00:02:12,937 --> 00:02:14,221
Geez, it wasn't
very funny.
41
00:02:14,255 --> 00:02:15,755
Well, you-you know
42
00:02:15,790 --> 00:02:18,041
what was funny,
when you said you could hear
43
00:02:18,076 --> 00:02:19,610
her perfume coming a mile away.
44
00:02:19,644 --> 00:02:21,178
Yeah, yeah, or the one where
45
00:02:21,212 --> 00:02:23,130
you said, uh, she's
had so many facelifts,
46
00:02:23,164 --> 00:02:26,333
if she wants to smile,
she has to cross her legs.
47
00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:31,472
Lilith, you understand,
it was all in-in good
humor, you know.
48
00:02:31,506 --> 00:02:32,873
Of course.
49
00:02:32,907 --> 00:02:35,476
You know I have
a sense of humor
about mother.
50
00:02:35,510 --> 00:02:37,044
Now, say good-bye
to your friends.
51
00:02:37,078 --> 00:02:40,047
You're grounded for six weeks.
52
00:02:40,081 --> 00:02:42,383
Shoot!
53
00:02:44,118 --> 00:02:46,620
Hey, Sam.
54
00:02:46,655 --> 00:02:48,439
Hey, Woody, what's new?
55
00:02:48,473 --> 00:02:52,276
Well, nothing much.
56
00:02:52,310 --> 00:02:54,111
Oh, your car alarm's
going off.
57
00:02:54,145 --> 00:02:56,096
What? Someone's
breaking in my car
58
00:02:56,130 --> 00:02:58,332
and you don't run in here
to tell me?
59
00:02:58,366 --> 00:03:00,334
We're not talking
about any car here, man,
60
00:03:00,368 --> 00:03:01,602
we're talking about my 'Vette!
61
00:03:01,636 --> 00:03:03,204
It's a classic,
it's irreplaceable!
62
00:03:03,238 --> 00:03:06,640
Hey, why don't you come
in and sit down here.
63
00:03:08,109 --> 00:03:09,876
Sam, what about your alarm?
64
00:03:09,911 --> 00:03:12,713
Well, you're taking care of
that, Woody, aren't you?
65
00:03:12,747 --> 00:03:14,081
I was?
66
00:03:14,115 --> 00:03:17,450
Oh, I must be off
in another world.
67
00:03:20,155 --> 00:03:21,488
Sammy's done it again.
68
00:03:21,522 --> 00:03:24,574
How come he always spots
the gorgeous ones first?
69
00:03:24,609 --> 00:03:29,230
'Cause he doesn't spend
all his time peeling
dead skin off his elbows?
70
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,902
What, are you gonna
do it for me?
71
00:03:37,488 --> 00:03:39,523
So, how can I help you?
72
00:03:39,558 --> 00:03:41,124
I'm looking for Becky Howe.
73
00:03:41,159 --> 00:03:43,260
Wow, well, Becky'll
be here in a minute.
74
00:03:43,294 --> 00:03:45,696
In the meantime, can
I interest you in a...
75
00:03:45,730 --> 00:03:47,531
Sam Malone?
76
00:03:47,565 --> 00:03:48,799
No, thanks.
77
00:03:48,833 --> 00:03:51,001
But I will have
a Perrier with lime.
Ah.
78
00:03:51,036 --> 00:03:53,019
Sworn off the hard stuff, huh?
79
00:03:54,355 --> 00:03:55,755
Coming right up.
80
00:03:55,790 --> 00:03:56,923
Sam.
Yeah?
81
00:03:56,958 --> 00:03:58,425
It was nothing.
Oh, thanks.
82
00:03:58,460 --> 00:04:01,428
Hey, listen, you know that girl
you were talking to?
Yep.
83
00:04:01,463 --> 00:04:03,397
I swear I've seen her
someplace before.
84
00:04:03,431 --> 00:04:06,032
Well, she asked for Rebecca.
Called her Becky.
85
00:04:06,067 --> 00:04:07,334
Must be old friends.
86
00:04:07,368 --> 00:04:09,436
Yeah, that could explain a lot.
87
00:04:09,471 --> 00:04:10,938
What's that supposed to mean?
88
00:04:10,972 --> 00:04:12,406
Well, figure it out.
89
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:13,974
Rebecca, who doesn't date,
90
00:04:14,009 --> 00:04:17,211
suddenly has this
good-looking friend show up.
91
00:04:17,245 --> 00:04:19,346
A slender, boyish,
92
00:04:19,380 --> 00:04:22,549
female friend,
with whom she probably, uh,
93
00:04:22,583 --> 00:04:27,487
sunbathed nude somewhere,
perhaps on the Isle of Lesbos.
94
00:04:29,006 --> 00:04:32,242
They ever get the tests back
on that dog that bit you?
95
00:04:35,580 --> 00:04:38,582
So, uh, where do you
know Becky from?
96
00:04:38,616 --> 00:04:41,284
She's my sister.
I'm Susan Howe.
97
00:04:41,319 --> 00:04:42,753
You're sisters?!
98
00:04:42,787 --> 00:04:44,388
Well, of course!
99
00:04:44,422 --> 00:04:45,622
God, I love sisters!
100
00:04:45,657 --> 00:04:49,560
I love the whole idea
of sisters.
101
00:04:49,594 --> 00:04:51,328
Well, any sister
of Rebecca is a...
102
00:04:51,363 --> 00:04:52,963
Are there any
more of you?
103
00:04:52,998 --> 00:04:54,631
Uh, afraid not.
104
00:04:54,665 --> 00:04:56,566
Well, no, that's...
You're more than enough.
105
00:04:56,601 --> 00:04:58,668
Oh, wow!
106
00:04:58,703 --> 00:05:00,454
Sam, come here.
107
00:05:00,488 --> 00:05:01,555
Let me tell
you something.
108
00:05:01,589 --> 00:05:02,756
Excuse me. What?
109
00:05:02,790 --> 00:05:04,591
I just remembered who she is.
110
00:05:04,626 --> 00:05:06,426
That's Susan Howe.
111
00:05:06,461 --> 00:05:07,994
I know, she's
Rebecca's sister.
112
00:05:08,029 --> 00:05:11,231
No, the actress-- I saw her
in Night of the Mutants.
113
00:05:12,767 --> 00:05:16,069
What, is that a movie,
or your family reunion?
114
00:05:17,238 --> 00:05:19,105
A movie, Carla.
115
00:05:20,608 --> 00:05:22,876
I don't remember, uh,
Rebecca saying anything
116
00:05:22,910 --> 00:05:24,978
about having a sister who
was in a horror movie.
117
00:05:25,012 --> 00:05:26,713
Are you sure about that?
118
00:05:26,747 --> 00:05:28,782
Let me check.
119
00:05:28,816 --> 00:05:30,484
Yeah.
120
00:05:34,222 --> 00:05:36,122
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
121
00:05:36,157 --> 00:05:38,292
You know, if she had
another, smaller head
122
00:05:38,326 --> 00:05:41,295
growing out of her neck,
I'd be positive.
123
00:05:41,329 --> 00:05:42,862
I got to check this out.
124
00:05:42,897 --> 00:05:47,100
Hey, ask her if
they let her keep
the little head.
125
00:05:49,270 --> 00:05:53,440
Sorry about that.
Uh, bar business.
126
00:05:53,474 --> 00:05:54,958
So, what brings you to Boston?
127
00:05:54,992 --> 00:05:56,760
I'm shooting a bank commercial.
128
00:05:56,795 --> 00:05:57,961
Oh, I was right!
129
00:05:57,995 --> 00:06:00,664
You are Susan Howe,
the actress.
130
00:06:00,698 --> 00:06:03,099
I loved you in that
two-headed movie.
131
00:06:03,134 --> 00:06:04,468
Oh, which one?
I did two of them.
132
00:06:04,502 --> 00:06:06,670
Was it the one where the head
was coming out of my neck?
133
00:06:06,704 --> 00:06:08,038
Uh, yeah, that's the one.
134
00:06:08,072 --> 00:06:10,807
Oh, thank goodness,
because the other one
I am not proud of.
135
00:06:10,842 --> 00:06:12,909
Oh.
136
00:06:12,944 --> 00:06:17,814
Well, so, you're, uh,
you're here to see Becky, huh?
137
00:06:17,849 --> 00:06:20,717
How long has it been
since the two of you
saw each other?
138
00:06:20,752 --> 00:06:22,453
Ooh, it must be three years.
139
00:06:22,487 --> 00:06:24,455
We had a little... falling out.
140
00:06:24,489 --> 00:06:28,158
I only hope we're grown up
enough now to kiss and make up.
141
00:06:28,192 --> 00:06:31,261
Grown-up sisters,
kissing and making up.
142
00:06:31,295 --> 00:06:33,897
That warms my cockles.
143
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:39,302
Let's get you two gals
back together, shall we?
144
00:06:39,337 --> 00:06:41,372
Will you excuse me
just a minute here?
145
00:06:43,341 --> 00:06:45,976
So, uh, what's the bone, Jerome?
146
00:06:46,010 --> 00:06:48,812
Any late-breaking
bulletins here?
Yeah, oh, yeah.
147
00:06:48,846 --> 00:06:50,947
I think I'm on to something
here, fellas.
148
00:06:50,982 --> 00:06:53,700
Carla, you hate your
sister, don't you?
149
00:06:53,735 --> 00:06:56,187
Sure, why?
150
00:06:56,221 --> 00:06:57,621
Well, what would I have to do
151
00:06:57,656 --> 00:06:59,523
to get the two of you
back together again?
152
00:06:59,558 --> 00:07:03,711
Simple, Sam, ask me to come down
and identify her body.
153
00:07:05,363 --> 00:07:06,563
She's missing the point.
154
00:07:06,597 --> 00:07:08,899
Can you imagine what
the reward might be
155
00:07:08,933 --> 00:07:12,169
for anybody who would act as
a peacemaker between these two
156
00:07:12,203 --> 00:07:16,240
tragically estranged
but perky-bottomed sisters?
157
00:07:16,274 --> 00:07:17,224
Ah...
158
00:07:17,258 --> 00:07:20,594
To Sammy, the man who
keeps the dream alive.
159
00:07:20,628 --> 00:07:22,296
Wait a minute.
160
00:07:22,330 --> 00:07:24,398
What makes you think you
can get the both of them?
161
00:07:24,432 --> 00:07:27,568
It's taken you two years
to get a polite kick in
the teeth from number one.
162
00:07:27,602 --> 00:07:30,020
Carla, Carla, Carla.
163
00:07:30,055 --> 00:07:34,240
Am I gonna have to teach you
about women?
164
00:07:36,461 --> 00:07:39,062
Yeah, Cliff, why don't you?
165
00:07:40,097 --> 00:07:42,099
Nah, you better take
this one, Sammy.
166
00:07:42,133 --> 00:07:44,535
I don't want to hog
the spotlight.
167
00:07:44,569 --> 00:07:46,570
Carla...
168
00:07:46,604 --> 00:07:49,372
I know you don't have a lot
of experience with this,
169
00:07:49,407 --> 00:07:52,776
but sometimes women
get... really happy.
170
00:07:52,810 --> 00:07:55,078
And when that happens,
171
00:07:55,112 --> 00:07:58,114
they get all emotional
and vulnerable.
172
00:07:58,149 --> 00:08:00,584
And that's when it's time
for a fella like me,
173
00:08:00,618 --> 00:08:02,519
who's very sensitive
and caring, to move in
174
00:08:02,554 --> 00:08:06,256
and give new meaning to the
words, "triple-decker Sam-ich."
175
00:08:06,290 --> 00:08:07,457
Hey, hey!
176
00:08:07,491 --> 00:08:09,092
Hey, hey!
177
00:08:09,126 --> 00:08:10,661
Hey!
All right!
178
00:08:10,695 --> 00:08:13,163
So, Cliff...
Huh?
179
00:08:13,197 --> 00:08:14,932
tell me more about women.
180
00:08:17,452 --> 00:08:19,920
Well, all right here, uh...
181
00:08:19,954 --> 00:08:22,790
They're warm and soft, and...
182
00:08:24,091 --> 00:08:26,026
...when they wash their cars,
they're dressed
183
00:08:26,060 --> 00:08:29,696
in nothing but suds,
a suntan and a cowboy hat.
184
00:08:32,117 --> 00:08:35,435
Sorry, I must have drifted away
there for a second.
185
00:08:39,273 --> 00:08:40,657
So...
186
00:08:40,692 --> 00:08:42,059
Oh, whoa, wait,
wait, wait.
187
00:08:42,093 --> 00:08:43,727
I've got a
surprise for you.
188
00:08:43,761 --> 00:08:46,329
Sam, move your hand; your
cologne is stinging my eyes.
189
00:08:46,363 --> 00:08:48,081
Come here, come here,
there's someone waiting
190
00:08:48,116 --> 00:08:50,884
to see you, and
you're never gonna
guess who it is.
191
00:08:50,918 --> 00:08:53,086
Careful, careful.
You are gonna love this.
192
00:08:53,121 --> 00:08:56,023
Ta-da!
193
00:08:57,325 --> 00:08:58,791
Susan.
194
00:09:00,194 --> 00:09:01,661
What are you doing here?
195
00:09:01,695 --> 00:09:03,630
I wanted to see you.
196
00:09:03,664 --> 00:09:05,732
Well, now
you've seen me.
197
00:09:05,766 --> 00:09:08,535
Yep, yep, there you are.
198
00:09:09,703 --> 00:09:13,340
Boy, oh, boy,
is this a moment.
199
00:09:13,374 --> 00:09:15,142
Yeah, I was here on a job,
200
00:09:15,176 --> 00:09:17,911
and I thought I'd drop in
and say hello.
201
00:09:17,945 --> 00:09:18,728
Hello.
202
00:09:18,763 --> 00:09:20,113
Good-bye.
203
00:09:20,147 --> 00:09:21,331
Fine, I tried.
204
00:09:21,365 --> 00:09:22,699
You are obviously
not interested.
205
00:09:22,733 --> 00:09:24,868
Obviously.
No, no!
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
206
00:09:24,903 --> 00:09:26,303
Come back here.
Listen, listen.
207
00:09:26,337 --> 00:09:28,338
You know what's happening here,
you're both so excited
208
00:09:28,372 --> 00:09:31,241
to see each other that you're
getting all tensed up here.
209
00:09:31,276 --> 00:09:33,410
I think what we need to do
is put ourselves
210
00:09:33,444 --> 00:09:35,378
into a little bit
of a more relaxed situation.
211
00:09:35,413 --> 00:09:37,047
I know this hot tub club
212
00:09:37,081 --> 00:09:38,548
where we can get
group rates.
213
00:09:38,582 --> 00:09:40,217
I'm kidding,
I'm kidding about that.
214
00:09:40,251 --> 00:09:42,485
What we should do is,
we should go upstairs,
215
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,255
and we should have lunch
at Melville's.
216
00:09:45,290 --> 00:09:47,891
Just the three of us.
What do you say? My treat.
217
00:09:47,926 --> 00:09:50,127
Well, I did come here
to make up.
218
00:09:50,161 --> 00:09:51,395
Huh?
219
00:09:51,429 --> 00:09:53,213
I did skip breakfast.
220
00:09:53,248 --> 00:09:55,181
All right!
That's the spirit!
221
00:09:55,216 --> 00:09:58,318
Family! That's what made
this country great.
222
00:09:58,353 --> 00:10:00,086
Come on.
223
00:10:02,823 --> 00:10:04,190
Sam...
Yes?
224
00:10:04,225 --> 00:10:05,759
why are you so
desperate to see my
sister and I make up?
225
00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:07,628
I mean, what
is it to you?
226
00:10:07,662 --> 00:10:10,364
Is this another stupid
ploy to get me into bed?
227
00:10:10,398 --> 00:10:12,198
Oh, come on, Rebecca,
don't be ridiculous!
228
00:10:12,233 --> 00:10:14,534
I'm thinking of both of you.
229
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:28,515
This is nice.
230
00:10:28,549 --> 00:10:30,049
Rebecca, I can't finish
my filet.
231
00:10:30,084 --> 00:10:31,118
Do you want the rest?
232
00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:33,420
Why, do you want me to get fat?
233
00:10:33,454 --> 00:10:34,621
Oh, come on,
234
00:10:34,655 --> 00:10:37,557
you have not been fat
since you were 12 years old.
235
00:10:37,592 --> 00:10:39,759
Of course, you were
the Goodyear blimp then.
236
00:10:41,395 --> 00:10:43,947
At least when I gave
my "I am an American" speech
237
00:10:43,981 --> 00:10:46,416
at the Flag Day assembly,
I did not wet myself.
238
00:10:47,852 --> 00:10:49,485
Rebecca, I was six.
239
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:50,721
But she did, Sam, she did.
240
00:10:50,755 --> 00:10:51,888
Shut up.
You shut up.
241
00:10:51,923 --> 00:10:53,573
No, you shut up.
No, you shut up!
242
00:10:53,608 --> 00:10:55,626
Shut up...!
243
00:11:01,433 --> 00:11:04,100
This is nice.
244
00:11:04,135 --> 00:11:06,270
You know, I really don't think
this was such a good idea, Sam.
245
00:11:06,304 --> 00:11:07,771
And I hope you'll
excuse me, Susan,
246
00:11:07,805 --> 00:11:09,472
if I don't clean
your table scraps.
247
00:11:09,507 --> 00:11:11,574
Oh, wait a minute, sit down,
will you, pl...?
248
00:11:11,609 --> 00:11:13,576
Girls, girls, girls,
what is the big problem
249
00:11:13,611 --> 00:11:15,178
between you two anyway?
250
00:11:15,213 --> 00:11:17,647
Sam, it is one of those
complicated issues
251
00:11:17,681 --> 00:11:20,817
that you can't just pin down
into one certain thing.
252
00:11:20,851 --> 00:11:22,252
Well, try.
253
00:11:22,287 --> 00:11:23,804
All right.
254
00:11:23,838 --> 00:11:25,305
Dan Buddinger.
255
00:11:26,323 --> 00:11:28,591
Mike Dietz, Jeff Carnahan,
256
00:11:28,626 --> 00:11:31,110
Ron Allen, Steve
Melman, Terry Toban,
257
00:11:31,145 --> 00:11:32,979
Clay Fisher...
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
258
00:11:33,013 --> 00:11:35,632
Does this have anything to do
with boy trouble?
259
00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:39,485
Yes. The trouble is, she can't
keep her hands off my boys.
260
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,288
If it bothered you that much why
didn't you just take them back?
261
00:11:42,322 --> 00:11:45,475
Because I didn't want to stoop
to your level!
262
00:11:45,510 --> 00:11:49,863
Besides, I tried
and it didn't work.
263
00:11:49,897 --> 00:11:52,832
Look, the point is,
that was back when we were kids.
264
00:11:52,867 --> 00:11:54,200
A million things have changed.
265
00:11:54,234 --> 00:11:56,002
No, no, no,
the fact still remains
266
00:11:56,037 --> 00:11:58,271
that every time
I am attracted to a guy,
267
00:11:58,305 --> 00:12:00,339
you are on him
like white on rice.
268
00:12:00,374 --> 00:12:02,742
So excuse me if I
don't leap over there
269
00:12:02,777 --> 00:12:04,828
and say forgive me,
please, please, please,
270
00:12:04,863 --> 00:12:06,196
for breaking
my heart over
271
00:12:06,230 --> 00:12:07,430
and over and over and over.
272
00:12:07,465 --> 00:12:09,533
Excuse me,
I have to get out of here.
273
00:12:09,567 --> 00:12:12,035
I have work to do.
274
00:12:12,987 --> 00:12:16,122
Sam, I'm sorry
you had to see that.
275
00:12:16,156 --> 00:12:18,208
Well, that's okay.
276
00:12:18,242 --> 00:12:21,562
I don't think it was
fair for Rebecca to say
277
00:12:21,596 --> 00:12:25,566
that you tried to
steal every guy she
ever got interested in.
278
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,834
But I'm warning you
right now, missy,
279
00:12:27,869 --> 00:12:30,553
you better not
try that with me.
280
00:12:32,089 --> 00:12:34,391
Oh, Rebecca's interested in you?
281
00:12:34,425 --> 00:12:36,259
Are you kidding me?
282
00:12:36,293 --> 00:12:38,328
She's got a big old
crush on me.
283
00:12:38,363 --> 00:12:42,399
Well, I am glad to see
she hasn't lost her good taste.
284
00:12:42,433 --> 00:12:45,869
Well, that's very sweet
of you to say that.
285
00:12:45,903 --> 00:12:47,838
More wine?
286
00:12:49,707 --> 00:12:52,342
This is nice.
This is very nice.
287
00:13:05,641 --> 00:13:08,075
I snuck out of the house.
288
00:13:08,110 --> 00:13:10,310
So don't tell Lilith.
289
00:13:10,345 --> 00:13:11,512
Gee, where's Sam?
290
00:13:11,546 --> 00:13:12,980
Oh, he'll be
here any minute.
291
00:13:13,015 --> 00:13:15,749
He's still up having lunch with
Miss Howe's sister, Miss Howe.
292
00:13:15,784 --> 00:13:18,568
Oh, you mean Rebecca's sister's
in town.
293
00:13:18,603 --> 00:13:21,221
Susan Howe,
the, uh, movie star.
294
00:13:21,256 --> 00:13:23,241
You mean, the Susan Howe,
295
00:13:23,275 --> 00:13:25,076
the star of
Night of the Mutants?
296
00:13:26,811 --> 00:13:28,262
Wow.
You saw it?
297
00:13:28,296 --> 00:13:30,898
Well, yes. Lilith and I
rented it last week.
298
00:13:30,932 --> 00:13:31,699
Oh, really?
299
00:13:31,733 --> 00:13:34,118
You two don't seem
the slasher-movie type.
300
00:13:34,152 --> 00:13:36,303
Oh, well, purely for scientific
purposes of course.
301
00:13:36,338 --> 00:13:37,771
But, you know,
this may surprise you--
302
00:13:37,805 --> 00:13:39,306
I rather enjoyed it.
303
00:13:39,341 --> 00:13:40,341
See, I think films with scenes
304
00:13:40,375 --> 00:13:43,010
of graphic disembowelment
and mutilation
305
00:13:43,044 --> 00:13:45,045
can, in some cases,
help people to,
306
00:13:45,079 --> 00:13:47,414
well, release some of the fears
and aggressions
307
00:13:47,449 --> 00:13:49,383
of modern society.
308
00:13:49,417 --> 00:13:50,884
Also, it's the first time
Lilith's mother
309
00:13:50,918 --> 00:13:53,720
went home before 9:00...
screaming.
310
00:13:55,923 --> 00:13:58,159
Hey, everybody.
311
00:13:58,193 --> 00:14:02,463
Oh, Miss Howe, I'm
Dr. Frasier Crane.
312
00:14:02,497 --> 00:14:03,897
My wife and I
rented your film
313
00:14:03,931 --> 00:14:05,832
Night of the Mutants
last week, and, uh,
314
00:14:05,867 --> 00:14:07,702
well, I was wondering, um...
315
00:14:07,736 --> 00:14:08,936
could I have your autograph?
316
00:14:08,970 --> 00:14:10,070
Ah...
Sure.
317
00:14:10,104 --> 00:14:10,988
Thank you.
318
00:14:11,022 --> 00:14:12,339
Uh, I tell you what,
319
00:14:12,373 --> 00:14:13,874
just make it out to
320
00:14:13,909 --> 00:14:16,477
"Mother Sternin."
321
00:14:18,413 --> 00:14:23,351
And say, if you would,
"I know where you live
322
00:14:23,385 --> 00:14:24,886
and I'm going to get you."
323
00:14:27,956 --> 00:14:31,125
Hey, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy,
what's the skinny, huh?
324
00:14:31,159 --> 00:14:33,127
Yeah, what's the score?
Two to one?
325
00:14:33,161 --> 00:14:36,480
Guys, guys,
I know I've accomplished
326
00:14:36,514 --> 00:14:39,817
some truly legendary
feats in my day,
327
00:14:39,851 --> 00:14:42,920
but this...
this is my masterpiece.
328
00:14:42,954 --> 00:14:45,555
This is my Moaning Lisa.
329
00:14:46,591 --> 00:14:48,626
what's the plan
330
00:14:48,660 --> 00:14:50,160
and how are we involved?
331
00:14:50,194 --> 00:14:52,362
Well, here it is
and you're not.
332
00:14:54,365 --> 00:14:57,768
Turns out that these two sisters
are very competitive--
333
00:14:57,802 --> 00:14:59,670
especially when it come to guys.
334
00:14:59,704 --> 00:15:01,705
So all I had to do was
let the little one know
335
00:15:01,740 --> 00:15:03,573
that the big one
had the hots for me
336
00:15:03,608 --> 00:15:07,277
and bingo, she was eating
out of my hand.
337
00:15:07,311 --> 00:15:08,879
Was she wearing
a cowboy hat?
338
00:15:11,182 --> 00:15:12,850
It's a figure of speech,
Cliffie.
339
00:15:12,884 --> 00:15:14,518
Well, she could have been.
340
00:15:15,887 --> 00:15:17,621
What I need to do now
is make sure
341
00:15:17,656 --> 00:15:19,923
that the big one knows that
the little one is interested
342
00:15:19,958 --> 00:15:22,492
and I will be ping-ponging
between the two of them
343
00:15:22,527 --> 00:15:25,162
until they bury me
with a smile on my face.
344
00:15:26,397 --> 00:15:30,467
No, please stop.
I'm too young to die.
345
00:15:33,571 --> 00:15:35,005
Breathtaking!
346
00:15:37,725 --> 00:15:39,693
Thanks. You guys
are a great audience.
347
00:15:39,727 --> 00:15:41,395
What'd I miss?
348
00:15:41,429 --> 00:15:43,180
Have you had her scream for you,
Sam?
349
00:15:43,214 --> 00:15:44,882
Later, Woody. Later.
350
00:15:47,218 --> 00:15:49,653
Okay, uh, let's
see, the plan is
351
00:15:49,688 --> 00:15:52,289
that I meet you back here
at closing time, right?
352
00:15:52,323 --> 00:15:53,456
Yeah, can't wait.
353
00:15:53,491 --> 00:15:54,792
Yeah.
See you then.
354
00:15:54,826 --> 00:15:55,993
Oh, boy.
355
00:15:56,027 --> 00:15:57,478
Yeah, it's not fair.
356
00:15:57,512 --> 00:15:59,480
All the chicks
in that family
357
00:15:59,514 --> 00:16:01,348
are loaded
with great faces,
358
00:16:01,382 --> 00:16:02,783
hair, bods.
359
00:16:02,818 --> 00:16:04,652
What'd my family get?
360
00:16:04,686 --> 00:16:07,154
Look at the bright
side, Carla.
361
00:16:07,188 --> 00:16:10,390
Probably takes them hours
to get ready every morning,
362
00:16:10,425 --> 00:16:12,326
whereas you look
the same with or
without makeup,
363
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,862
and your hair
practically combs itself.
364
00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:21,067
Thanks, Woody.
365
00:16:21,102 --> 00:16:24,037
Never hurts to spread
a little sunshine.
366
00:16:29,044 --> 00:16:30,744
Hi.
Hi.
367
00:16:30,778 --> 00:16:32,212
So, what is it?
368
00:16:32,246 --> 00:16:34,314
Well, um, I don't...
369
00:16:34,348 --> 00:16:36,016
I don't want
to get in the middle
370
00:16:36,051 --> 00:16:37,851
of a family squabble, but...
371
00:16:37,886 --> 00:16:40,153
your sister
just asked me out.
372
00:16:40,188 --> 00:16:42,556
She what?!
373
00:16:42,590 --> 00:16:44,958
Yeah, is that the craziest
thing, or what?
374
00:16:44,992 --> 00:16:47,594
She obviously thinks
that I'm attracted to you.
375
00:16:47,629 --> 00:16:49,563
Oh, come on,
why would she think that?
376
00:16:49,597 --> 00:16:51,682
I don't know;
did you say something?
377
00:16:51,716 --> 00:16:52,899
Me? Come o...
378
00:16:52,933 --> 00:16:56,870
What would I have to gain
by saying something like that?
379
00:16:56,904 --> 00:16:58,439
Man, this makes
me so furious!
380
00:16:58,473 --> 00:17:00,341
She comes out here
and she says that she's sorry
381
00:17:00,375 --> 00:17:01,475
and she wants to make up for it,
382
00:17:01,509 --> 00:17:03,176
and then the second
my back is turned,
383
00:17:03,211 --> 00:17:05,746
she comes onto the guy
she thinks is my boyfriend.
384
00:17:05,780 --> 00:17:07,648
If there's just something
you could do
385
00:17:07,682 --> 00:17:08,982
to get back at her.
386
00:17:10,134 --> 00:17:11,835
What could we do,
what could we do,
387
00:17:11,869 --> 00:17:14,405
what could we do?
388
00:17:17,191 --> 00:17:19,226
Did you say that you'd
go out with her?
389
00:17:19,260 --> 00:17:21,462
Yeah, but I could kick myself
for that.
390
00:17:21,496 --> 00:17:22,596
That was perfect.
391
00:17:22,630 --> 00:17:23,931
Sit down here a second.
392
00:17:23,965 --> 00:17:26,267
You know how you've always
wanted to go out with me?
393
00:17:26,301 --> 00:17:27,301
Yeah.
394
00:17:27,335 --> 00:17:29,303
Well, now your wish is
going to come true.
395
00:17:29,337 --> 00:17:31,038
You break that date
with my sister,
396
00:17:31,073 --> 00:17:32,973
and I will go
out with you.
397
00:17:33,007 --> 00:17:34,775
Oh. Oh, boy.
398
00:17:34,809 --> 00:17:36,410
That is vicious,
399
00:17:36,445 --> 00:17:37,261
but she asked for it.
400
00:17:37,379 --> 00:17:38,379
And, Sam?
Yeah?
401
00:17:38,413 --> 00:17:40,347
Thank you.
Oh, you kidding me?
402
00:17:40,382 --> 00:17:41,682
Come on,
what are friends for?
403
00:17:50,592 --> 00:17:51,625
Well, fellas...
404
00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:52,960
at this very moment,
405
00:17:52,994 --> 00:17:54,695
Rebecca Howe is in her house
406
00:17:54,729 --> 00:17:56,664
spending two hours
getting into an outfit
407
00:17:56,698 --> 00:17:59,166
she's going to spend two minutes
getting out of.
408
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,368
Hey, what are you going to
do about that sister, huh?
409
00:18:01,402 --> 00:18:03,837
Oh, I already made a phone call
to postpone our date.
410
00:18:03,872 --> 00:18:05,238
Oh, you going to take her out
tomorrow night?
411
00:18:05,273 --> 00:18:07,374
No, I'm going to take her out
in a couple of hours.
412
00:18:08,443 --> 00:18:09,777
No, don't worry.
413
00:18:09,811 --> 00:18:11,010
We'll be back here
in the morning
414
00:18:11,045 --> 00:18:12,212
for our usual debriefing.
415
00:18:12,247 --> 00:18:15,014
By that time, I'll be able
to compare and contrast them.
416
00:18:15,049 --> 00:18:16,950
And that's when this stuff
gets really interesting.
417
00:18:16,985 --> 00:18:18,619
Yeah.
418
00:18:18,653 --> 00:18:19,720
Sammy?
Yeah?
419
00:18:19,754 --> 00:18:22,723
Sorry I was a little hard
on you before, but you know,
420
00:18:22,757 --> 00:18:24,474
I was just trying
to make you reach.
421
00:18:24,509 --> 00:18:26,510
Push out the edges
of the envelope.
422
00:18:26,544 --> 00:18:28,378
We're all proud
of you, Sammy.
423
00:18:28,413 --> 00:18:30,914
God bless you on this night,
Sam Malone.
424
00:18:41,742 --> 00:18:44,077
Oh. At la...
425
00:18:44,112 --> 00:18:45,779
Susan.
426
00:18:45,781 --> 00:18:46,546
Oh, Sam,
427
00:18:46,580 --> 00:18:48,348
I know
you put off our date,
428
00:18:48,383 --> 00:18:49,383
but I just couldn't wait
429
00:18:49,417 --> 00:18:53,052
to see you.
You're all I've been
430
00:18:53,087 --> 00:18:54,854
thinking about today.
431
00:18:54,889 --> 00:18:56,790
Is there someplace private
we can go
432
00:18:56,824 --> 00:18:59,092
for a few minutes where I can...
433
00:18:59,126 --> 00:19:01,762
touch you and hold you?
434
00:19:01,796 --> 00:19:04,598
Um, usually I go
for this stuff in a big way,
435
00:19:04,632 --> 00:19:06,333
but at the moment...
436
00:19:06,367 --> 00:19:08,435
I'm in a little bit
of a time jam here.
437
00:19:08,469 --> 00:19:11,137
Oh, I'm so in the mood.
438
00:19:11,172 --> 00:19:16,410
And I am so good
when I am in the mood.
439
00:19:16,444 --> 00:19:18,244
Would you excuse me
for a second?
440
00:19:18,279 --> 00:19:20,480
I got to make a
quick phone call.
441
00:19:20,515 --> 00:19:22,282
I'll be right back.
442
00:19:27,622 --> 00:19:29,906
Oh, come on, Rebecca, pick up,
pick up, pick up, please.
443
00:19:29,941 --> 00:19:32,893
Pick up, pick
up, pick up.
444
00:19:37,065 --> 00:19:39,799
As long as you're not going
to be talking with those lips...
445
00:19:44,172 --> 00:19:45,405
Oh...
446
00:19:48,843 --> 00:19:50,810
Sam, I'm ready
for our date.
447
00:19:50,845 --> 00:19:52,246
Susan!
448
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,114
Uh, Rebecca, I
can explain this.
449
00:19:54,148 --> 00:19:55,482
Wait, just... Ow.
450
00:19:55,517 --> 00:19:57,017
My finger's caught
in your bra.
451
00:19:58,670 --> 00:20:00,203
Listen...
452
00:20:00,238 --> 00:20:02,305
You don't owe me
an explanation.
453
00:20:02,340 --> 00:20:03,841
It's Susan.
454
00:20:03,875 --> 00:20:05,726
It's always been Susan.
455
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,128
My entire life,
it has been Susan.
456
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:09,196
I'm glad you saw us.
457
00:20:09,230 --> 00:20:10,831
You deserve to be hurt.
458
00:20:10,865 --> 00:20:12,516
Oh, no, sister.
Come on.
459
00:20:12,550 --> 00:20:15,719
I don't hurt anymore;
I am way beyond hurt.
460
00:20:15,753 --> 00:20:17,654
Don't be silly, now, girls,
please, please.
461
00:20:17,689 --> 00:20:21,475
And now it is Susan Howe's turn
to hurt.
462
00:20:21,509 --> 00:20:24,594
Hey, that's a gun.
463
00:20:24,629 --> 00:20:26,447
It ain't licorice.
464
00:20:26,481 --> 00:20:27,297
No, come on, let...
465
00:20:27,415 --> 00:20:28,515
Let's talk about this.
466
00:20:28,549 --> 00:20:29,783
Now, this is silly.
467
00:20:29,817 --> 00:20:31,651
No, please,
I'm too young to die.
468
00:20:31,685 --> 00:20:33,102
Rebecca.
469
00:20:33,137 --> 00:20:35,138
Oh...!
470
00:20:35,173 --> 00:20:36,890
Holy cow!
471
00:20:38,826 --> 00:20:40,911
That was for Dan Buddinger.
472
00:20:40,945 --> 00:20:42,713
And this is for Jeff Carnahan.
473
00:20:42,747 --> 00:20:43,897
Oh...!
474
00:20:43,932 --> 00:20:45,832
And Mike Dietz.
475
00:20:46,818 --> 00:20:49,002
And Sam Malone.
476
00:20:51,872 --> 00:20:54,607
Oh, boy, oh, boy!
477
00:20:56,177 --> 00:20:57,477
What did...?
478
00:20:57,511 --> 00:20:58,711
What is it, Sam?
479
00:20:58,746 --> 00:21:00,864
Oh!
480
00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:03,883
What, because I killed
my sister?
481
00:21:03,918 --> 00:21:05,402
Uh-huh!
482
00:21:05,436 --> 00:21:08,004
I didn't mean to do that anyway.
483
00:21:08,038 --> 00:21:09,606
Oh, well, it's done.
484
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,525
All right...
we got to get this
body out of here.
485
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,194
Wha...? Wha...?
486
00:21:14,228 --> 00:21:15,895
You got to help me, Sam;
come on.
487
00:21:15,930 --> 00:21:17,364
Come on, take a hold of her.
488
00:21:17,398 --> 00:21:18,665
Come on.
Oh...!
489
00:21:18,699 --> 00:21:21,801
Everybody does at least one
bad thing in their life.
490
00:21:23,537 --> 00:21:24,688
Sam, take her hands.
491
00:21:24,723 --> 00:21:25,756
There.
492
00:21:25,790 --> 00:21:27,891
All right, now, make
sure nobody sees us.
493
00:21:29,361 --> 00:21:30,043
Stop being a baby!
494
00:21:30,077 --> 00:21:31,561
Oh!
495
00:21:31,596 --> 00:21:33,864
Oh, boy, oh, boy...
496
00:21:33,898 --> 00:21:35,298
Move.
497
00:21:38,302 --> 00:21:39,736
Sammy!
498
00:21:40,972 --> 00:21:44,474
She did it.
499
00:21:44,508 --> 00:21:46,242
Boy, Sammy, when you said
500
00:21:46,277 --> 00:21:48,779
you were going to knock 'em off
one at a time,
501
00:21:48,813 --> 00:21:50,246
you were serious.
502
00:21:50,281 --> 00:21:51,982
Oh, no, no,
no, you don't understand.
503
00:21:52,016 --> 00:21:53,817
I mean, she... she's real...
504
00:21:53,851 --> 00:21:56,069
I'm dead.
505
00:22:09,884 --> 00:22:10,684
That wasn't funny.
506
00:22:12,854 --> 00:22:15,104
That wasn't funny.
507
00:22:15,139 --> 00:22:17,407
I mean, that's the kind of thing
that could, you know,
508
00:22:17,442 --> 00:22:20,109
give somebody
serious mental damage.
509
00:22:20,144 --> 00:22:21,244
Am I right, Lilith?
510
00:22:21,278 --> 00:22:22,762
No, it was funny, Sam.
511
00:22:27,168 --> 00:22:29,903
Susan, Susan, you
were so good.
512
00:22:29,937 --> 00:22:31,504
Wasn't Susan good?
513
00:22:33,908 --> 00:22:35,441
You were pretty good
yourself.
514
00:22:39,747 --> 00:22:41,415
Sam, are you all right?
515
00:22:41,449 --> 00:22:43,683
I'm hurt.
516
00:22:45,386 --> 00:22:47,604
I'm hurt and I'm...
517
00:22:47,638 --> 00:22:49,339
I'm offended.
518
00:22:49,373 --> 00:22:50,674
And quite frankly,
I can't believe
519
00:22:50,708 --> 00:22:53,844
that you two think that
this is some sort of silly joke.
520
00:22:53,878 --> 00:22:54,778
Am I right, Norm?
521
00:22:54,812 --> 00:22:56,946
Yeah.
522
00:23:01,703 --> 00:23:04,705
I'm never going to
speak to either
one of you again.
523
00:23:04,739 --> 00:23:08,675
Oh, Sam, that's really too bad,
because you know, in a way,
524
00:23:08,710 --> 00:23:10,444
fending off your stupid advances
525
00:23:10,478 --> 00:23:12,379
brought Susan and I
back together.
526
00:23:12,413 --> 00:23:14,748
We haven't been
this close since
we were kids.
527
00:23:14,782 --> 00:23:16,015
We're grateful.
528
00:23:17,718 --> 00:23:19,302
How grateful?