Someone just ordered one of your famous Kon Tiki Tikis.
No kidding. I haven't made one of those in a long time. This will be great.
I love watching you make this.
It's like watching Beethoven play a tune.
Thank you, Carla.
There you go.
- You forgot to blend it. - I haven't made one since last summer.
I know.
Here we go.
Season 2 / Episode 16 Cliff's Rocky Moment
Re-sync & corrections: BLU DUAINE blu.duaine@protonmail.com
With the recent strides in genetic engineering,
we'll soon produce enormous farm animals to feed the hungry millions.
Imagine one cow to feed a city, one egg making an omelette for a whole family.
With the advances we're making, the future is limitless.
So is his mouth. Doesn't he ever shut up?
- Who? - Gabby, the wonder boob.
Is that humorous appellation supposed to refer to me?
Yeah. You realise your lips have been flapping for over an hour?
Give it a rest, pal, and give us a break.
- Doesn't seem fair, does it? - What?
That I have so much knowledge and some go to bed stupid every night.
Watch your step, pal.
I guess I did carve the guy up a bit with my rapier wit.
Better go and scrape him up off the mat.
Listen, friend. We got off on the wrong foot. Let me buy you a beer.
- Talk it over like decent human beings. - No, thanks.
I don't like you.
How did it go?
The guy's taken an inexplicable dislike to me.
Must be deranged.
Have you filled in your football pool yet?
I gotta pick up the slips in half an hour.
I'm working on it.
- I'm almost done with mine. - Good girl.
Yours?
Why do you even bother to fill one out? You don't even like football.
I don't dislike it. Believe it or not, I was on the pep squad in high school.
Some of my most stirring memories are of cheering for whomever it was
to do whatever they were supposed to do
to whomever they were supposed to do it.
Spirit like that can really fire a team up.
- In the first contest… - Wait.
You don't know the first thing about football.
- Who won the pool last week? - You've never been to a game before.
- Who won? - You don't watch it on television.
- Who won? - You won, you won!
OK? You won.
Anybody can win every once in a while.
Everybody gets lucky. It's the law of averages.
Just out of curiosity, when was the last time you won?
1974, but I've come close a lot of times since then.
It was a decade of upsets.
All right. Are you interested in winning consistently? Sit down.
Watch and learn.
Sammy's putting on his thinking cap.
It's a wee, pointy little thing with ear flaps.
But on you, it looks roomy.
Top of the page. Bears against the Dolphins.
Now. We have a home field advantage which means you've got to be…
Bears.
- Bears, just like that? - Of course. A bear against a dolphin?
I mean, that's not even a fair fight. What about the Dallas guys against Atlanta?
All right. Atlanta.
- What colour uniforms do they wear? - Colour?
The colour will tell you the winner.
Red beats blue, blue beats yellow, yellow beats mauve.
Wait. Are you telling me you're going to pick Atlanta over Dallas
because of the colour of the uniforms?
Dallas until last week had won six games in a row.
- Who beat them last week? - Washington.
What colour was Washington wearing?
None of your business.
- The laws of probability are complex. - Indeed.
Professors at Heidelberg have done studies to predict reocurrence of…
Oh, God. Time for the Mickey Mouth Club again.
Buddy, you don't know anything, so why don't you shut up before you prove it?
I'm ashamed to know you if you don't stand up to that guy.
Let it ride, will you?
What, are you scared?
I don't want to start a fight over a few hasty words.
Come here.
Look. You won't have to fight him. You just have to back him down a notch.
Trust me. I've been in a lot of fights and seen a lot of fights.
Believe me, fighting is the last thing on his mind.
You just call him out, stare at him eyeball to eyeball, and watch him crumble.
Like two fighters stare each other down before a bout.
You got it. The name of the game is intimidation.
Real men have been doing it for centuries
and it can work for guys like you, too.
- You think it'll work? - I'm positive.
That guy is a blowhard. Want me to do it for you?
Look, I can do it myself, all right?
- Will you do something about this? - About what?
Carla is provoking Cliff into a physical confrontation with that lout.
I told you I don't want anything more violent in my bar
than an occasional love nibble.
That'll never work with this guy.
Look, it's all right. There won't be any fisticuffs.
I'm just going to go over, stare him down, and he'll be the first to blink.
- Wait, man. - No. It's something I've got to do.
The gauntlet has been thrown down.
Hey. Beagle breath.
You'd better not be talking to me, pal.
If you don't like the way I talk,
maybe there's something you'd like to do about it.
I'd be glad to. Let's go outside.
You got it.
I'll pay and be right behind you.
Did he blink and I missed it?
Don't worry. He knows you're not afraid of him and he's worried.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's run by now.
No, he's out there right now taking off his shirt.
Nice upper body development.
There comes a time when you've gotta draw the old line.
- Where are you going? - Home.
You're going through Melville's?
It's the duty of every citizen to learn the exits of public places
in case of an emergency.
Flood, atomic holocaust…
- What a chicken. - Yeah, but what a citizen.
Well, how did my Sammykins do in the football pool?
Not so great. But I wasn't the only one.
Oddsmakers took a real beating. Nothing went according to form.
How many did you get?
I don't know. Let's see.
Five, six… Six out of thirteen. That's not so bad.
- This. This. - Yeah, OK. All right. Five.
Four. All right, four.
- Poor Sam. - You kidding me? Poor everybody.
No win day. Upsets right across the board.
I defy anybody to predict how those games turned out.
How did you do?
Well, I'm afraid I didn't do very well either.
I went with cities whose symphonies are led by foreign-born conductors.
- You're kidding, aren't you? - No.
Bet you did great with that system.
Not really. I only got eleven.
Well, the heck you did.
You got twelve.
- Twelve out of thirteen. - You're right, I miscounted.
And the one you missed, you missed by a mile.
There's a new rule. All blonde waitresses out of the pool.
You don't get to bet on football any more.
You are destroying the sport of football.
OK, fine.
If it's so important to you.
But this makes it impossible to test my theory on state flowers.
- Hey, everybody. - Hey, Cliff.
Meet my post office pal here, Lewis.
- The whole gang. - Pleasure to meet you.
Can I have a couple of beers here?
So what have you got the muscle for, huh?
What are you talking about? Lewis and I go way back.
Enjoy, Lewis.
- Thanks, Chris. - It's Cliff.
My pleasure.
You look like an athlete. You play football?
A little bit. Mostly, I'm a fighter.
You're… You're a fighter?
You think you know a guy and he can still surprise you like that.
I didn't know you were a fighter.
That's what you asked for on the bulletin board.
"Lewis the kidder" - that's what they call him.
It's Sam. I want to put $200 on tonight's game.
Maybe you can help me out. Which is the more dominant flower,
the mountain lily or black-eyed Susan?
How am I supposed to know Leslie Uggams?
Don't…
Don't get me wrong. It's not like I think all black people know each other.
It's just all good-looking people with lots of warmth…
Can I have another beer, Coach?
Round one.
Come on. I'm a man of peace. I'm willing to let bygones be bygones.
If, on the other hand, my loud-mouthed brothers were to start trouble,
that's their business.
Scotch.
Did you hear about the studies done at Johns Hopkins
about the Y chromosome of persistent bar troublemakers?
They found a striking similarity between that and chronic droolers and idiots.
OK, that's it.
Shut up, friend, and step outside.
This time you go first so you can't give me the slip.
I'd like to, but I think that'd be rude to my enormous friend Lewis.
What's the problem?
Wait. I got no quarrel with you, pal. This guy here's getting on my nerves.
What exactly is it about him that bothers you?
I don't know. The fact that he comes on as such an authority on everything.
- Hey. It's a free country. - I know. I know it's a free country.
But it bugs me. He's got an opinion on every subject.
He never shuts up.
You know, he does the same thing down at the post office.
Nobody beats him up over it.
You know, his whole attitude rubs me the wrong way.
I know what you mean. Those kind of guys just do it to you.
- Who knows why? - Well, actually, sociology…
Shut up, Clint.
It's Cliff. Like another beer?
No. I don't think so.
I think I'm going home.
Let me give you a ride.
No. I don't want my neighbours seeing me in a Studebaker.
Now, then.
I believe we were gonna step outside.
All right.
All right, look. I'm a black belt in karate, my hands are lethal weapons.
Karate. Can you believe this guy?
Tell you what. I'll give you a chance to get out of here.
I'm gonna go in the back and play pool.
You can say goodbye to your friends.
But listen. If you're still here when I get back,
we're going outside if I have to drag you there.
Karate, Cliff?
For crying out loud! God!
What is wrong with that?
- Clifford showed excellent judgment. - Give me a break.
It's the oldest cop-out in the world.
Every sweetheart who wants to duck out of a fight says, "I know karate."
Well, that's where you're wrong, Carla.
I've been studying secretly now for several years.
Very secretly. None of us heard a word about it.
Yeah, and we've heard a word out of you about everything.
It's something we don't like to talk about.
We don't brag about it because it's spiritual attainment.
What? What's funny?
Cliff, very prudently, in my judgment,
has refrained from taking advantage of that combative mesomorph
with his superior knowledge of karate.
- Right. - Karate? Cliff?
Et tu, Sammy?
I'm sorry. Were you serious?
I hate to ask, but if you do know karate, why did you have to bring Lewis in?
There's a very good reason for that. It's to scare off the other guy.
It's one of our major precepts.
Always stay out of a fight if humanly possible.
- All right. - Well, I for one believe you.
- And I do too. - And I believe you.
I believe you are a big dink.
Hey, Kung Fu.
I thought I told you to get lost.
What are you gonna do? Throw my customers out?
I'm not looking for trouble.
But this guy knows I don't like him and he's been pushing me.
If he'll admit that he's a coward and a liar,
I'll walk away and never bother him any more.
Come on. What's the point?
Admit it, coward. Or get out of here.
Happy, pal? You proved your point.
Why don't you get out of here?
Look, I'm sorry.
That guy brings out the worst in me.
Poor Cliff.
- I wonder if he'll ever come back. - I wouldn't if I was him.
I don't believe it.
- Can I knock off? - I'll catch up with you later.
- Hey, Cliff. - If you plan to hit him with those,
you're too late, he left.
These aren't for him.
These are for you, my so-called friends.
Thanks. I need a brick.
- Where did you get that stuff? - Construction site next door.
Here's a demonstration of what would have happened to that guy
if I hadn't kept a hood on my anger.
What's he doing with the shoe off?
You don't have to do this. Listen, this is not something to fool around with.
He is not fooling around. He's a black belt.
- Hold it right there. - I won't get a splinter, will I?
Just keep a good grip on that.
You're really crazy. This thing is solid.
It's just the way I like them.
Solid.
Bravo!
Get that sucker back in here!
Now that I've proved my point, goodbye to you all forever.
Come on back in here and let us set you up.
All right.
But I'd like to have a little word with Diane.
All right.
I've never taken a karate lesson in my life.
Could you get me to a hospital quick?
Goodnight, everyone.
Cliff is… going to walk me to my car for my protection.
Anybody got a problem with that?
Look at this.
Re-sync & corrections: BLU DUAINE blu.duaine@protonmail.com