1 00:00:04,412 --> 00:00:06,047 Yeah, that was my postal supervisor. 2 00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:07,181 They need me down at the branch office 3 00:00:07,181 --> 00:00:09,449 to help handle that holiday deluge. 4 00:00:09,449 --> 00:00:11,818 Ah, terrific, and now this. 5 00:00:11,818 --> 00:00:14,387 My coat's underneath this mess. 6 00:00:14,387 --> 00:00:15,522 All right, everybody, come on up here 7 00:00:15,522 --> 00:00:17,024 and get your jackets, will you? 8 00:00:17,024 --> 00:00:18,658 This is official government business. 9 00:00:20,327 --> 00:00:21,728 Carla. 10 00:00:21,728 --> 00:00:23,430 Got it, Sam. 11 00:00:23,430 --> 00:00:25,165 Stand back. 12 00:00:25,165 --> 00:00:26,532 I'm going in. 13 00:00:30,436 --> 00:00:32,738 I'll find you, you little... 14 00:00:40,779 --> 00:00:42,248 [Cheering] 15 00:00:46,184 --> 00:00:47,752 Carla, this is obviously not my... 16 00:00:47,752 --> 00:00:51,189 Put it on, or I tear off the clothes you're wearing. 17 00:00:51,189 --> 00:00:54,125 Yes, ma'am. Yes. God bless you, Carla. 18 00:00:56,794 --> 00:01:00,430 Ah, well, at least dogs won't attack their own, huh? 19 00:01:07,271 --> 00:01:09,473 ♪ Making the way in the world today ♪ 20 00:01:09,473 --> 00:01:12,576 ♪ takes everything you've got ♪ 21 00:01:12,576 --> 00:01:15,345 ♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪ 22 00:01:15,345 --> 00:01:18,614 ♪ sure would help a lot ♪ 23 00:01:18,614 --> 00:01:22,151 ♪ wouldn't you like to get away ♪ 24 00:01:24,620 --> 00:01:26,655 ♪ sometimes you want to go ♪ 25 00:01:26,655 --> 00:01:30,293 ♪ where everybody knows your name ♪ 26 00:01:32,161 --> 00:01:35,597 ♪ and they're always glad you came ♪ 27 00:01:36,998 --> 00:01:39,267 ♪ you want to be where you can see ♪ 28 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,903 ♪ our troubles are all the same ♪ 29 00:01:41,903 --> 00:01:43,171 ♪ you want to be ♪ 30 00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:47,041 ♪ where everybody knows your name ♪ 31 00:01:47,041 --> 00:01:49,544 ♪ you want to go where people know ♪ 32 00:01:49,544 --> 00:01:51,978 ♪ people are all the same ♪ 33 00:01:51,978 --> 00:01:56,717 ♪ you want to go where everybody knows your name ♪ 34 00:02:15,101 --> 00:02:16,802 Allow me. 35 00:02:17,870 --> 00:02:19,805 Thank you. 36 00:02:21,907 --> 00:02:23,542 Watch this. 37 00:02:25,177 --> 00:02:27,679 How do you do that without burning your hand? 38 00:02:27,679 --> 00:02:29,348 I don't. 39 00:02:33,152 --> 00:02:35,720 Sam, show her some of the other tricks. 40 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,223 Oh? You know a lot of tricks, do you? 41 00:02:38,223 --> 00:02:40,191 Yeah, I know my share. 42 00:02:40,191 --> 00:02:43,561 Show her the one about the disappearing girlfriend. 43 00:02:43,561 --> 00:02:45,596 Come on. You're going to like this one. 44 00:02:45,596 --> 00:02:46,697 Watch this. 45 00:02:51,235 --> 00:02:53,304 Woo! Ooh! Ooh! 46 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,276 Good evening. Welcome to cheers. 47 00:02:59,276 --> 00:03:00,610 What can I get you? 48 00:03:00,610 --> 00:03:02,612 What's your bartender's specialty? 49 00:03:02,612 --> 00:03:05,382 He's got a great batch of hot buttered rum going. How's that? 50 00:03:05,382 --> 00:03:06,883 Sounds good. Make it a double. 51 00:03:06,883 --> 00:03:09,152 I've just had the worst day of my life. 52 00:03:10,353 --> 00:03:12,389 Well, you know what I always say? 53 00:03:12,389 --> 00:03:14,856 Life is like a Chinese banquet. 54 00:03:14,856 --> 00:03:18,527 Between the peeking duck and the sweet and sour fish, 55 00:03:18,527 --> 00:03:20,562 you have to expect a little chicken feet soup. 56 00:03:20,562 --> 00:03:22,831 So laugh, darn you, laugh. 57 00:03:22,831 --> 00:03:26,735 I've just been told I have six months to live. 58 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:35,009 I'm sorry. 59 00:03:35,009 --> 00:03:37,245 I didn't mean to be facetious. 60 00:03:37,245 --> 00:03:39,113 I'm terribly sorry. 61 00:03:39,113 --> 00:03:40,948 I went on and on like a ninny. 62 00:03:40,948 --> 00:03:43,251 Maybe I should get you something? 63 00:03:44,752 --> 00:03:49,256 Sam, how do you do this trick? You know, that one? 64 00:03:49,256 --> 00:03:51,124 It's all in your mind, Carla. 65 00:03:51,124 --> 00:03:52,626 The trick is, while you're doing it, 66 00:03:52,626 --> 00:03:54,294 think about the most pleasant thing in your life. 67 00:03:54,294 --> 00:03:55,795 Being burned by this match 68 00:03:55,795 --> 00:03:58,465 would be the most pleasant thing in my life. 69 00:04:00,567 --> 00:04:01,768 Sam? 70 00:04:01,768 --> 00:04:03,637 Yeah. 71 00:04:03,637 --> 00:04:06,004 You have to talk to that man 72 00:04:06,004 --> 00:04:07,139 over there alone at the table. 73 00:04:07,139 --> 00:04:08,574 Why? 74 00:04:08,574 --> 00:04:11,277 Well, he came in here because he just found out 75 00:04:11,277 --> 00:04:13,746 he's got six months to live. 76 00:04:13,746 --> 00:04:16,915 Oh, come on. You sure that's not just an opening line? 77 00:04:18,484 --> 00:04:21,052 Sam, what kind of a reptile 78 00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:22,287 would say something like that 79 00:04:22,287 --> 00:04:23,888 as a sexual overture? 80 00:04:23,888 --> 00:04:28,293 Nobody. I mean, not me, that's for sure. 81 00:04:31,496 --> 00:04:34,232 Well, he seems to want to talk about it. 82 00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:37,068 I'll talk to him. 83 00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:38,335 How do you cheer someone up 84 00:04:38,335 --> 00:04:40,237 who's got six months to live? 85 00:04:40,237 --> 00:04:42,873 I'll tell him I have five. 86 00:04:42,873 --> 00:04:44,308 What is he drinking? 87 00:04:44,308 --> 00:04:46,209 Hot buttered rums. 88 00:04:46,209 --> 00:04:48,645 Hey, everybody, now, watch this. Watch this. 89 00:04:51,114 --> 00:04:53,417 Hey, way to go, coach. 90 00:04:53,417 --> 00:04:56,552 You must have a high threshold of pain. 91 00:04:56,552 --> 00:04:58,254 I don't know the meaning of the word. 92 00:04:58,254 --> 00:04:59,689 Heh heh. Pretty tough guy. 93 00:04:59,689 --> 00:05:01,957 No, he doesn't know what threshold means. 94 00:05:05,728 --> 00:05:07,930 Thanks, normie. 95 00:05:07,930 --> 00:05:10,600 Hi. Can I join you? 96 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,134 My name's Sam Malone. I'm the owner of the bar. 97 00:05:13,134 --> 00:05:15,404 Malcolm Kramer. How do you do? 98 00:05:15,404 --> 00:05:16,771 Before I retired, 99 00:05:16,771 --> 00:05:19,541 I owned a chemical plant outside of Chicago. 100 00:05:19,541 --> 00:05:22,110 You know, this may be none of my business, 101 00:05:22,110 --> 00:05:25,213 but have you thought about getting a second opinion? 102 00:05:25,213 --> 00:05:26,915 I mean, doctors do make mistakes. 103 00:05:26,915 --> 00:05:29,149 Every doctor I've been to has given me the same diagnosis... 104 00:05:29,149 --> 00:05:32,486 And I've been to 12 of the world's leading specialists. 105 00:05:32,486 --> 00:05:35,122 Maybe you'd get better news 106 00:05:35,122 --> 00:05:37,325 if you went to a quack. 107 00:05:38,559 --> 00:05:40,294 How's your drink? 108 00:05:40,294 --> 00:05:42,296 Excellent. You're a very good bartender. 109 00:05:42,296 --> 00:05:45,665 [Laughter] 110 00:05:45,665 --> 00:05:48,034 They sound as if they're having a good time. 111 00:05:48,034 --> 00:05:49,936 You know, I worked my way through Harvard business 112 00:05:49,936 --> 00:05:50,870 tending bar. 113 00:05:50,870 --> 00:05:53,473 Some of the best years of my life. 114 00:05:53,473 --> 00:05:55,375 You think you still got the touch? 115 00:05:57,076 --> 00:05:58,845 You mean it? 116 00:05:58,845 --> 00:06:00,847 Why not? Come on. 117 00:06:00,847 --> 00:06:02,348 We only got two rules around here. 118 00:06:02,348 --> 00:06:03,749 No empty glasses on the bar, 119 00:06:03,749 --> 00:06:05,417 and if somebody belts you, 120 00:06:05,417 --> 00:06:06,952 just blame a waitress. 121 00:06:06,952 --> 00:06:08,654 You got it. 122 00:06:08,654 --> 00:06:10,556 ♪ Oh, lord, I wish that I'd been born ♪ 123 00:06:10,556 --> 00:06:13,925 ♪ in Borneo, ichaboo ichaboo ichaboo... ♪ 124 00:06:18,162 --> 00:06:20,130 ♪ Say, can you picture me ♪ 125 00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:21,732 ♪ beneath the pepper tree ♪ 126 00:06:21,732 --> 00:06:23,568 ♪ I'd be so peppery ♪ 127 00:06:23,568 --> 00:06:26,871 ♪ with all those wild ol' women ♪♪ 128 00:06:26,871 --> 00:06:29,239 [cheering] 129 00:06:29,239 --> 00:06:30,475 Norm: He did it! 130 00:06:30,475 --> 00:06:31,509 What am I yelling about? 131 00:06:31,509 --> 00:06:32,577 I bet against him. 132 00:06:32,577 --> 00:06:34,944 Thank you very much. 133 00:06:34,944 --> 00:06:36,713 You lose it. 134 00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:41,017 This guy's terrific. 135 00:06:41,017 --> 00:06:43,019 I mean, he's a great story teller, 136 00:06:43,019 --> 00:06:45,154 and he really knows what he's doing. 137 00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:48,358 I mean, really we should have an older guy behind the bar. 138 00:06:48,358 --> 00:06:50,026 Customers would like it. 139 00:06:50,026 --> 00:06:51,294 What about you, coach? 140 00:06:51,294 --> 00:06:53,596 Oh, I'd like it, too. 141 00:06:53,596 --> 00:06:54,963 I'll think about it. 142 00:06:54,963 --> 00:06:56,331 Thanks, Sam. 143 00:06:56,331 --> 00:06:57,666 Hey, we're getting low on beer mugs. 144 00:06:57,666 --> 00:06:59,802 Can someone wash these out for me here, please? 145 00:06:59,802 --> 00:07:01,069 I'd love to. 146 00:07:01,069 --> 00:07:02,571 You like washing glasses? 147 00:07:02,571 --> 00:07:05,874 You bet. Suddenly I feel like an 18-year-old college boy. 148 00:07:05,874 --> 00:07:07,009 Me, too. 149 00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:08,143 See one around? 150 00:07:08,143 --> 00:07:10,945 You're on, cutey. 151 00:07:10,945 --> 00:07:13,948 ♪ How the reindeers loved him... ♪♪ 152 00:07:13,948 --> 00:07:15,950 It's about time you got back. 153 00:07:15,950 --> 00:07:19,921 What's the big deal? The wind shot right through that old thing. 154 00:07:21,288 --> 00:07:25,091 And those lifesavers had to be at least a year old. 155 00:07:27,127 --> 00:07:30,897 Boy, if Boston ever knew how close it came to catastrophe, 156 00:07:30,897 --> 00:07:32,666 there'd be panic in the streets. 157 00:07:32,666 --> 00:07:34,868 Kramer, that's cliff. He's my best friend. 158 00:07:34,868 --> 00:07:36,002 Give him a beer. 159 00:07:36,002 --> 00:07:37,838 That's Mr. Kramer. He's a customer. 160 00:07:37,838 --> 00:07:39,840 Customer? Why, if it's all the same to you, 161 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:43,809 I'd rather have my potables prepared by a competent mixologist. 162 00:07:43,809 --> 00:07:45,878 Cliff, you wanna be a little sensitive here? 163 00:07:45,878 --> 00:07:47,747 Sam's letting him do this as a favor. 164 00:07:47,747 --> 00:07:50,616 Doc says he's going belly up in a few months. 165 00:07:52,985 --> 00:07:55,187 Ah, gee, I'm sorry to hear that. 166 00:07:55,187 --> 00:07:56,422 Those are the breaks, huh? 167 00:07:56,422 --> 00:07:57,690 Yeah. 168 00:07:57,690 --> 00:08:00,091 Mr. Kramer, I'm sorry to do this to you, 169 00:08:00,091 --> 00:08:02,393 but you wanted me to let you know when it was 11:00. 170 00:08:02,393 --> 00:08:04,062 Oh, right. I got a plane to catch. 171 00:08:04,062 --> 00:08:05,697 Oh, gee, you really going to leave? 172 00:08:05,697 --> 00:08:07,432 Yes. I don't want them 173 00:08:07,432 --> 00:08:10,635 to call me the late Malcolm Kramer 174 00:08:10,635 --> 00:08:12,771 before it's official. Ha ha! 175 00:08:14,238 --> 00:08:16,139 Thank you, Sam. 176 00:08:16,139 --> 00:08:17,875 Any time, Malcolm. 177 00:08:17,875 --> 00:08:20,010 Listen, you come back before... 178 00:08:20,010 --> 00:08:21,545 Soon. 179 00:08:21,545 --> 00:08:23,413 Come back real soon. 180 00:08:25,015 --> 00:08:27,718 Good night, everybody, and thank you. 181 00:08:27,718 --> 00:08:31,021 I've had a wonderful time just when I needed it. 182 00:08:31,021 --> 00:08:33,923 Someday, I hope you'll appreciate 183 00:08:33,923 --> 00:08:36,993 how much I really did enjoy it. 184 00:08:36,993 --> 00:08:39,662 Nice meeting you. Thank you. Bye. 185 00:08:39,662 --> 00:08:41,464 Good-bye, Mr. Kramer. 186 00:08:41,464 --> 00:08:42,932 That's a nice guy. 187 00:08:42,932 --> 00:08:43,966 Thanks, norm. 188 00:08:43,966 --> 00:08:46,135 My pop always told me to say good-bye. 189 00:08:50,472 --> 00:08:52,140 [Tapping on glass] 190 00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:53,509 Excuse me. 191 00:08:53,509 --> 00:08:55,477 What you people did this evening 192 00:08:55,477 --> 00:08:58,013 was magnificent. 193 00:08:58,013 --> 00:09:01,382 It strengthened in me a faith in humanity 194 00:09:01,382 --> 00:09:04,753 that gets a little shaky at times. 195 00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,386 And I want you all to know 196 00:09:06,386 --> 00:09:09,223 that there's nothing I wouldn't do for any of you. 197 00:09:09,223 --> 00:09:10,591 Hot dog! 198 00:09:10,591 --> 00:09:12,259 Drop the skivvies and dance. 199 00:09:12,259 --> 00:09:13,327 Yeah! 200 00:09:13,327 --> 00:09:15,129 Ha ha ha! 201 00:09:15,129 --> 00:09:16,196 Maggots! 202 00:09:19,700 --> 00:09:22,936 Ok. Ok. Who's the wise guy 203 00:09:22,936 --> 00:09:25,605 who shoved the I.O.U. In the tip glass? 204 00:09:25,605 --> 00:09:27,507 Let me see this. 205 00:09:27,507 --> 00:09:28,908 It's not an I.O.U. 206 00:09:30,544 --> 00:09:32,245 This is... 207 00:09:32,245 --> 00:09:34,848 It's a bunch of writing I don't understand is what this is. 208 00:09:34,848 --> 00:09:36,516 Is it in a foreign tongue? 209 00:09:36,516 --> 00:09:38,017 No, no. It's English. 210 00:09:38,017 --> 00:09:41,520 In your case, that qualifies. Hey, huh? 211 00:09:43,155 --> 00:09:45,758 All right, um... 212 00:09:45,758 --> 00:09:48,594 "To whom it may concern, 213 00:09:48,594 --> 00:09:51,530 "please be advised that herewith 214 00:09:51,530 --> 00:09:55,033 "I amend my will to provide the following. 215 00:09:55,033 --> 00:09:57,134 "As a token for their kindness, 216 00:09:57,134 --> 00:09:59,470 "I leave the sum of... 217 00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:02,273 "$100,000 to the gang at cheers. 218 00:10:02,273 --> 00:10:05,342 Signed, Malcolm Kramer." 219 00:10:05,342 --> 00:10:06,811 Is this a joke? 220 00:10:06,811 --> 00:10:11,583 Cliff, check that out, see if it's valid. 221 00:10:15,085 --> 00:10:18,088 Well, uh, yeah, I don't want to pronounce judgment 222 00:10:18,088 --> 00:10:19,455 too hastily, coach, 223 00:10:19,455 --> 00:10:21,658 but, why, I think there is precedent 224 00:10:21,658 --> 00:10:24,127 in the case of penoya vs. Net 225 00:10:24,127 --> 00:10:26,730 when it was found that jurisprudence 226 00:10:26,730 --> 00:10:29,965 is the better part of diction. 227 00:10:31,233 --> 00:10:33,202 Tom, you're a lawyer, aren't you? 228 00:10:33,202 --> 00:10:36,071 I work for the law firm of sing and fleckman. 229 00:10:36,071 --> 00:10:38,941 Take a look at this, will you, and tell me what it means. 230 00:10:41,376 --> 00:10:43,512 Well, I presume his intent here 231 00:10:43,512 --> 00:10:44,647 was to have everybody at cheers 232 00:10:44,647 --> 00:10:46,881 split up $100,000 when he dies. 233 00:10:46,881 --> 00:10:48,950 I'll be darned. I heard him say he was rich, 234 00:10:48,950 --> 00:10:50,952 but I thought it was a line. 235 00:10:50,952 --> 00:10:53,354 Oh, Sam, who would use a line like that? 236 00:10:53,354 --> 00:10:55,690 Not me. 237 00:10:55,690 --> 00:10:57,125 100 grand. 238 00:10:57,125 --> 00:10:58,893 Now, what does that come out to each? 239 00:10:58,893 --> 00:11:02,263 Looks like approximately $2,500. 240 00:11:02,263 --> 00:11:03,831 Minus my accounting fee, 241 00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,599 that's 100 bucks. 242 00:11:05,599 --> 00:11:06,767 We each get 100 bucks? 243 00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:08,669 No. You split 100 bucks. 244 00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:10,971 Get out of here. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! 245 00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:14,307 It doesn't say anything about dividing it equally. 246 00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:17,410 There are a lot of these people here who didn't give the guy 247 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,812 the time of day, you know. 248 00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:22,414 Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. 249 00:11:22,414 --> 00:11:23,950 It doesn't matter anyway. 250 00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:25,818 This paper is worthless. 251 00:11:25,818 --> 00:11:28,855 Look, look, in order for a will to be valid 252 00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:30,657 according to Massachusetts law, 253 00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:32,792 the stipulations must be precise 254 00:11:32,792 --> 00:11:34,093 and the document's gotta be signed 255 00:11:34,093 --> 00:11:35,695 by at least three witnesses. 256 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,829 This isn't. I'm sorry. 257 00:11:37,829 --> 00:11:40,131 Oh, hey, come on. It's a beautiful souvenir 258 00:11:40,131 --> 00:11:43,702 of an evening of generosity and good will. 259 00:11:43,702 --> 00:11:44,770 To hell with that! 260 00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:46,204 I want my money! 261 00:11:46,204 --> 00:11:47,605 Money! Money! 262 00:11:47,605 --> 00:11:50,075 Money! Money! 263 00:11:50,075 --> 00:11:54,712 Wait. Hey. I got an idea here. I think I got an idea. 264 00:11:54,712 --> 00:11:56,613 If we can bring him back 265 00:11:56,613 --> 00:11:58,816 and get him to write a valid will, 266 00:11:58,816 --> 00:12:00,484 and then he could stipulate 267 00:12:00,484 --> 00:12:02,319 exactly who he wants to get how much. 268 00:12:02,319 --> 00:12:05,455 Sure. The guy's on his way to the airport. 269 00:12:05,455 --> 00:12:07,424 Well, if you hurry, you can catch him at the hotel. 270 00:12:07,424 --> 00:12:08,492 All right, I'll go get him. 271 00:12:08,492 --> 00:12:09,760 Yeah, but why you? 272 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,527 Well, he liked me best. Oh, yeah, norm? 273 00:12:11,527 --> 00:12:12,896 What makes you think so? 274 00:12:12,896 --> 00:12:14,731 Well, he embraced me, if you must know. 275 00:12:14,731 --> 00:12:16,700 What are you talking about? We never saw that. 276 00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:19,102 It wasn't an overt embrace. 277 00:12:19,102 --> 00:12:22,906 It was more like we hugged with our eyes. 278 00:12:25,809 --> 00:12:29,377 Look, whoever goes is gonna have an opportunity 279 00:12:29,377 --> 00:12:30,679 at sweet-talking the guy, 280 00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:32,748 so I think we'd better send somebody 281 00:12:32,748 --> 00:12:34,016 that we all trust. 282 00:12:34,016 --> 00:12:37,052 Yeah. Absolutely. Ok. I'll go. 283 00:12:37,052 --> 00:12:39,287 You'd shoot your mother in the back for two bits. 284 00:12:39,287 --> 00:12:41,790 Hey, hey! My mother's a Saint! 285 00:12:41,790 --> 00:12:43,125 Why don't you send coach? 286 00:12:43,125 --> 00:12:44,859 Y'all trust coach, don't you? 287 00:12:44,859 --> 00:12:46,660 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 288 00:12:46,660 --> 00:12:48,763 Ok. Here I go. 289 00:12:48,763 --> 00:12:50,998 I'm with it. 290 00:12:50,998 --> 00:12:53,167 Let's go! Let's go! 291 00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:54,869 Go, coach. 292 00:12:54,869 --> 00:12:56,137 Coach, just play it cool. 293 00:12:56,137 --> 00:12:57,438 We don't want to appear too eager 294 00:12:57,438 --> 00:12:59,240 and scare the guy off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 295 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:02,042 Tell him his adopted son norm sends his love. 296 00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:06,880 Right, norm. Hey, listen. I want all you guys to know 297 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,548 that it's an honor and privilege 298 00:13:08,548 --> 00:13:10,283 that you picked me for this job. 299 00:13:10,283 --> 00:13:14,054 I hope I can answer all of your expectations. 300 00:13:19,792 --> 00:13:21,593 What were your expectations? 301 00:13:21,593 --> 00:13:23,863 Get out of here! Hurry! 302 00:13:34,472 --> 00:13:37,208 Yeah, yeah, coach has been gone nearly an hour, normie. 303 00:13:37,208 --> 00:13:39,443 Yeah, wonder what he's up to. 304 00:13:39,443 --> 00:13:40,879 Ok, Sammy, ok. 305 00:13:40,879 --> 00:13:41,946 This is it. 306 00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,281 This will satisfy 307 00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:44,949 the commonwealth of Massachusetts, 308 00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:47,518 and all we need is Kramer's signature, 309 00:13:47,518 --> 00:13:49,453 three witnesses. We got it. 310 00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:51,154 Hey, just because you did a little typing, 311 00:13:51,154 --> 00:13:52,956 don't think you're gonna get a bigger cut. 312 00:13:52,956 --> 00:13:55,292 Hey, hey, hey, listen, uh... 313 00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:56,693 On behalf of the federal government, 314 00:13:56,693 --> 00:13:58,829 I'd better take a look at this. 315 00:14:01,164 --> 00:14:02,866 Well, you misspelled Massachusetts 316 00:14:02,866 --> 00:14:04,501 first of all. 317 00:14:04,501 --> 00:14:05,535 Well, look, on the face of it, 318 00:14:05,535 --> 00:14:06,870 this is all prima facius 319 00:14:06,870 --> 00:14:10,106 non corpus interruptus anyhow. 320 00:14:10,106 --> 00:14:11,874 Quit wasting our time now. 321 00:14:11,874 --> 00:14:13,475 This guy, I don't know. 322 00:14:13,475 --> 00:14:15,044 Hey, what kind of lawyer are you anyway? 323 00:14:15,044 --> 00:14:16,312 You wouldn't know if I told you. 324 00:14:16,312 --> 00:14:19,015 Oh, yeah? Well, try me, Raymond birdbrain. 325 00:14:19,015 --> 00:14:22,284 Well, I'm not actually an attorney yet. 326 00:14:22,284 --> 00:14:24,652 I'm taking my bar exam next month. 327 00:14:24,652 --> 00:14:27,088 All right, the guy's here here on false pretenses. 328 00:14:27,088 --> 00:14:30,358 Yeah, let's strip him and boot him out in the snow. 329 00:14:32,861 --> 00:14:34,229 Hey, hey, hey! Come on! 330 00:14:34,229 --> 00:14:36,197 Whoa, take it easy, will ya? 331 00:14:36,197 --> 00:14:38,699 This is getting crazy. Settle down. 332 00:14:38,699 --> 00:14:39,901 Hey, they're back! 333 00:14:39,901 --> 00:14:42,002 Hurray for Mr. Kramer. 334 00:14:53,213 --> 00:14:54,882 What took you so long, coach? 335 00:14:54,882 --> 00:14:58,084 Oh, Sam, I had to dig the car out, put on the tire chains... 336 00:14:58,084 --> 00:15:00,053 You didn't you just take a cab? 337 00:15:00,053 --> 00:15:01,254 Well, I figured it wasn't worth it. 338 00:15:01,254 --> 00:15:04,157 The hotel's only a block away. 339 00:15:04,157 --> 00:15:08,027 I want you to say hello to my best friend Mr. Kramer. 340 00:15:08,027 --> 00:15:10,696 Coach said there was some problem about my will? 341 00:15:10,696 --> 00:15:14,900 Mr. Kramer, you made a wonderful gesture to these people, 342 00:15:14,900 --> 00:15:17,035 and now they're asking you to repeat it. 343 00:15:17,035 --> 00:15:19,071 You do that to me every night. 344 00:15:21,773 --> 00:15:24,910 I'm waiting for you to get it right. 345 00:15:27,779 --> 00:15:30,648 Mr. Kramer, it was a wonderful gesture, 346 00:15:30,648 --> 00:15:32,349 but you didn't tell us 347 00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:34,585 how you wanted us to split it up. 348 00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:38,389 Yeah, you see, what we got here is a real problem. 349 00:15:38,389 --> 00:15:39,790 Who gets what? 350 00:15:39,790 --> 00:15:41,292 These bozos... 351 00:15:41,292 --> 00:15:46,130 Or my five precious children? 352 00:15:46,130 --> 00:15:47,998 Posing for this picture 353 00:15:47,998 --> 00:15:49,599 is the longest they've ever stood 354 00:15:49,599 --> 00:15:51,567 without crutches. 355 00:15:53,169 --> 00:15:55,138 Put all those monsters somewhere else. 356 00:15:55,138 --> 00:15:57,207 It's tonight that counts. 357 00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,742 Remember those great times we had 358 00:15:59,742 --> 00:16:01,111 standing right over there? 359 00:16:01,111 --> 00:16:02,845 Mr. Kramer, how can you ever forget 360 00:16:02,845 --> 00:16:06,581 that delightful walk you and I took over to the jukebox? 361 00:16:06,581 --> 00:16:08,550 Hey, don't forget who you turned to in your hour of need 362 00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:09,985 when you wanted to know what time it was. 363 00:16:09,985 --> 00:16:10,986 You didn't tell me. 364 00:16:10,986 --> 00:16:13,288 Hey, what am I, big Ben? 365 00:16:15,357 --> 00:16:16,791 Mr. Kramer, 366 00:16:16,791 --> 00:16:19,962 why don't you just give all your money to your relatives? 367 00:16:19,962 --> 00:16:22,030 Diane, no. No. 368 00:16:22,030 --> 00:16:24,065 I don't have any close relatives. 369 00:16:24,065 --> 00:16:26,067 Well, you do now, mervin. 370 00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,768 My name is Malcolm. 371 00:16:27,768 --> 00:16:29,570 May I call you mervin? 372 00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:32,974 That was... that was my father's name. 373 00:16:34,308 --> 00:16:37,511 Mr. Kramer, you could give this money 374 00:16:37,511 --> 00:16:38,745 to charity. 375 00:16:38,745 --> 00:16:40,847 Hey, I am charity. 376 00:16:40,847 --> 00:16:42,415 Beat it. Beat it. 377 00:16:42,415 --> 00:16:45,718 Sam, I don't have any time to deal with this. 378 00:16:45,718 --> 00:16:48,521 Besides, life's too short. I have a plane to catch. 379 00:16:48,521 --> 00:16:50,490 I'm going to sign the money all over to you 380 00:16:50,490 --> 00:16:53,026 and you can divide it as you see fit. 381 00:16:53,026 --> 00:16:54,461 No, no, Mr. Kramer... 382 00:16:54,461 --> 00:16:55,861 Sorry, Sam, I've got to run. 383 00:16:55,861 --> 00:16:57,363 Don't do this to me. 384 00:16:57,363 --> 00:17:00,566 Good-bye, everybody. Good night, and thanks again. 385 00:17:00,566 --> 00:17:02,168 Good night, Mr. Kramer. 386 00:17:02,168 --> 00:17:05,337 Yeah, yeah. Don't be a stranger. Sammy... 387 00:17:07,473 --> 00:17:10,242 Hey, come on, would you? Stop it. 388 00:17:10,242 --> 00:17:13,478 Now, I'm gonna try to divide this up fair and square, 389 00:17:13,478 --> 00:17:16,847 but please, just no appeals to friendship and sentiment. 390 00:17:16,847 --> 00:17:19,150 None of that kissy, kissy stuff. 391 00:17:19,150 --> 00:17:22,087 How much evidence do you need, Sam? 392 00:17:22,087 --> 00:17:23,821 Does there have to be bloodshed? 393 00:17:23,821 --> 00:17:25,023 Destroy the will. 394 00:17:25,023 --> 00:17:26,791 Let's kill her! 395 00:17:26,791 --> 00:17:28,425 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! 396 00:17:28,425 --> 00:17:29,426 Hey, wait. 397 00:17:29,426 --> 00:17:31,028 [Bell clangs] 398 00:17:32,796 --> 00:17:34,364 What's it gonna be, Sam? 399 00:17:34,364 --> 00:17:35,966 Yeah, come on, Sammy, walk like a man. 400 00:17:35,966 --> 00:17:41,605 Ok. Everybody in this room right now gets an equal share. 401 00:17:41,605 --> 00:17:42,839 And that's it. 402 00:17:42,839 --> 00:17:46,075 [All clamor] 403 00:17:46,075 --> 00:17:47,776 [Bell clangs] 404 00:17:47,776 --> 00:17:49,312 [Gasps] 405 00:17:49,312 --> 00:17:50,246 Sam! 406 00:17:55,584 --> 00:17:57,753 Now it's over. It's done. 407 00:17:57,753 --> 00:18:00,990 Let's just everybody get back to normal here. 408 00:18:07,529 --> 00:18:11,899 We should've killed her when we had the chance. 409 00:18:11,899 --> 00:18:14,302 Well, now, I hope that's taught you all a lesson. 410 00:18:14,302 --> 00:18:17,172 Coach, you mean about not being greedy about money? 411 00:18:17,172 --> 00:18:21,208 No. Always dispose of flaming materials properly. 412 00:18:23,077 --> 00:18:25,079 I guess we should've known. 413 00:18:25,079 --> 00:18:27,048 Guys like us don't get that kind of money. 414 00:18:27,048 --> 00:18:28,749 Well, look at it this way, guys. 415 00:18:28,749 --> 00:18:31,918 We're no poorer now than we were when we came in here tonight. 416 00:18:31,918 --> 00:18:34,221 Yeah, you can talk. You'll be a lawyer someday. 417 00:18:34,221 --> 00:18:36,489 Yeah, yeah, but a bad one. 418 00:18:36,489 --> 00:18:39,092 Hey, will you give me a break? 419 00:18:39,092 --> 00:18:41,161 Well, cheers is cheers again... 420 00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:43,496 And I'm relieved. 421 00:18:43,496 --> 00:18:45,798 I'm going to go thank Sam, 422 00:18:45,798 --> 00:18:47,867 and all of you should, too. 423 00:18:47,867 --> 00:18:52,138 And by the way, with all the insanity about the will, 424 00:18:52,138 --> 00:18:55,240 no one said a word about my new hairdo. 425 00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,142 It stinks. It stinks. 426 00:18:57,142 --> 00:18:59,578 There, now, was that so hard? 427 00:19:01,346 --> 00:19:02,747 Sam... 428 00:19:04,416 --> 00:19:07,386 What you did out there was fine and noble, 429 00:19:07,386 --> 00:19:09,453 and I'm very proud of you. 430 00:19:12,323 --> 00:19:13,557 I can tell by your look on your face 431 00:19:13,557 --> 00:19:16,060 that you're proud of yourself, huh? 432 00:19:16,060 --> 00:19:17,161 Yes, Diane, I am. 433 00:19:17,161 --> 00:19:19,297 I'm... I'm proud and... 434 00:19:20,731 --> 00:19:22,366 Rich. 435 00:19:28,838 --> 00:19:30,240 What's that? 436 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,609 This little baby is my ticket to happiness. 437 00:19:32,609 --> 00:19:35,945 This is the will. I palmed it, and I burned a phony. 438 00:19:35,945 --> 00:19:38,115 What? How? 439 00:19:38,115 --> 00:19:39,449 Are you kidding me? 440 00:19:39,449 --> 00:19:41,451 I do magic, remember? 441 00:19:41,451 --> 00:19:43,085 Watch this. 442 00:19:43,085 --> 00:19:44,820 [Humming] 443 00:19:51,193 --> 00:19:53,162 Ooh, looky here. 444 00:19:54,996 --> 00:19:56,698 That was the most avaricious, 445 00:19:56,698 --> 00:19:59,700 unregenerate, rapacious thing you've ever done. 446 00:20:01,236 --> 00:20:02,670 Wait a second here. 447 00:20:02,670 --> 00:20:05,140 A couple of those words didn't sound very nice. 448 00:20:06,207 --> 00:20:07,342 How's this? 449 00:20:07,342 --> 00:20:08,843 You have sunk so low, 450 00:20:08,843 --> 00:20:12,547 you would need a ladder to kiss a snake's hiney. 451 00:20:12,547 --> 00:20:17,651 Well, that's clear, but why? I thought I was pretty good. 452 00:20:17,651 --> 00:20:19,286 I saw what those people were doing, 453 00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:21,488 going at each other's throats out there. 454 00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:24,591 It occurred to me this was the best possible solution. 455 00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:25,659 Hmm. 456 00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,461 Oh, come on, come on, look at it logically. 457 00:20:27,461 --> 00:20:29,196 How are you going to explain 458 00:20:29,196 --> 00:20:31,465 your newfound riches to them? 459 00:20:31,465 --> 00:20:33,031 Give me a little credit here. 460 00:20:33,031 --> 00:20:35,934 I'm not gonna change my lifestyle all of a sudden. 461 00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:39,071 My purchases will be simple. 462 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,773 A television maybe, 463 00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:42,875 a pair of shoes, 464 00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,510 a couple pair of pants, 465 00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:45,578 a trip to the canaries 466 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:48,147 in my brand-new 60-foot yacht. 467 00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:55,187 Oh, I know what you're worried about. 468 00:20:55,187 --> 00:20:56,988 Hey, come on, you're my sweetie. 469 00:20:56,988 --> 00:20:58,723 I want to split the money with you. 470 00:20:58,723 --> 00:21:00,425 Think about all the good you can do 471 00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:02,093 with this money out there, huh, huh? 472 00:21:02,093 --> 00:21:05,930 What good could come of this? 473 00:21:05,930 --> 00:21:07,631 Charities... 474 00:21:09,500 --> 00:21:13,937 Well, I suppose one could do wonders with... 475 00:21:13,937 --> 00:21:15,239 A lot of money, 476 00:21:15,239 --> 00:21:16,740 if one were so inclined. 477 00:21:16,740 --> 00:21:18,842 I could donate to environmental charities. 478 00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:19,943 Donate! 479 00:21:19,943 --> 00:21:21,845 Fight world hunger, 480 00:21:21,845 --> 00:21:23,746 save endangered species, 481 00:21:23,746 --> 00:21:27,049 and grab up that fabulous silk dress at claudine's. 482 00:21:27,049 --> 00:21:28,284 Yes, yes! 483 00:21:28,284 --> 00:21:31,454 Oh, no! Now I'm doing it. 484 00:21:31,454 --> 00:21:33,723 I won't let you do this to your friends. 485 00:21:33,723 --> 00:21:36,259 What are you gonna do? Rat on me? 486 00:21:36,259 --> 00:21:40,562 Uh-huh. Oh, wait a second here. Wait a second. 487 00:21:40,562 --> 00:21:42,964 This is what we're talking about here, isn't it, huh? 488 00:21:42,964 --> 00:21:44,566 You're crazy. 489 00:21:44,566 --> 00:21:46,301 Oh, yeah, well, I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid. 490 00:21:46,301 --> 00:21:48,503 You're very stupid. 491 00:21:48,503 --> 00:21:49,638 I'll tell you how stupid I am, 492 00:21:49,638 --> 00:21:52,907 I see through you like a book. 493 00:21:52,907 --> 00:21:55,810 Ah, that's stupid. 494 00:21:55,810 --> 00:21:57,911 You want my money. 495 00:21:57,911 --> 00:22:00,614 What are you going to do? Are you gonna blackmail me for it, is that it? 496 00:22:01,782 --> 00:22:05,619 Ha ha! Aw, you just lost your boat ride, baby. 497 00:22:08,155 --> 00:22:10,624 You can't slap me. I'm a rich guy. 498 00:22:13,393 --> 00:22:15,094 How much longer are you going to do this? 499 00:22:15,094 --> 00:22:17,997 I don't know you. I've never seen you like this, 500 00:22:17,997 --> 00:22:19,499 and I don't like it. 501 00:22:19,499 --> 00:22:22,134 Come on, come on. Don't let this come between us. 502 00:22:22,134 --> 00:22:23,970 I want you to help me spend the money. 503 00:22:23,970 --> 00:22:25,705 Come on, it's gonna make us so happy. 504 00:22:25,705 --> 00:22:27,507 It's already making me miserable. 505 00:22:27,507 --> 00:22:29,276 Well, just wait till you see the fun we have 506 00:22:29,276 --> 00:22:30,276 out on that boat together. 507 00:22:30,276 --> 00:22:31,677 Damn, boy! 508 00:22:31,677 --> 00:22:33,412 If that guy would just kick off in four months, 509 00:22:33,412 --> 00:22:35,714 we could have that baby in the Atlantic by spring. 510 00:22:35,714 --> 00:22:38,183 Did you hear what you just said? 511 00:22:38,183 --> 00:22:41,086 Oh, my god. 512 00:22:41,086 --> 00:22:43,455 That was a horrible thing to say, wasn't it? 513 00:22:43,455 --> 00:22:45,557 Six months would be fine. 514 00:22:45,557 --> 00:22:47,625 We could catch the Gulf stream. 515 00:22:47,625 --> 00:22:49,327 Sam! 516 00:22:49,327 --> 00:22:51,462 Oh, what's happening to me? 517 00:22:51,462 --> 00:22:53,798 I'm turning into a horrible person. 518 00:22:53,798 --> 00:22:55,300 Yes, you are. 519 00:22:58,369 --> 00:22:59,837 I'm gonna do what I should've done 520 00:22:59,837 --> 00:23:02,740 the minute I set eyes this evil thing... 521 00:23:02,740 --> 00:23:06,576 I'm gonna destroy it before it destroys me. 522 00:23:09,646 --> 00:23:11,581 Oh... 523 00:23:11,581 --> 00:23:12,682 Oh... 524 00:23:12,682 --> 00:23:14,684 That was the right thing to do, Sam. 525 00:23:14,684 --> 00:23:18,388 Now, let's just forget that any of this ever happened. 526 00:23:18,388 --> 00:23:20,356 Oh, yes. Let's. 527 00:23:22,124 --> 00:23:23,859 Oh... 528 00:23:31,767 --> 00:23:34,737 I hate myself for what I just thought. 529 00:23:37,305 --> 00:23:39,907 No. No, I won't even say it. 530 00:23:41,943 --> 00:23:46,848 I know you didn't, but let me know better. 531 00:23:46,848 --> 00:23:48,383 Oh, come on, come on, 532 00:23:48,383 --> 00:23:50,652 do you think that I'd really do something like that again 533 00:23:50,652 --> 00:23:52,687 after what I just went through? 534 00:23:54,087 --> 00:23:55,255 I'm sorry. 535 00:23:55,255 --> 00:23:56,723 Well, I... 536 00:23:56,723 --> 00:23:57,958 Of course not. 537 00:23:57,958 --> 00:24:00,293 Any person who would do something that vile 538 00:24:00,293 --> 00:24:03,296 would have guilt eating away at his guts 539 00:24:03,296 --> 00:24:05,065 for the rest of his life. 540 00:24:05,065 --> 00:24:08,301 Thank you. 541 00:24:19,812 --> 00:24:22,915 I hate her. 542 00:24:22,915 --> 00:24:26,652 I really, really do. I hate her so much.