Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
[Humming]
You're in a pretty good mood tonight.
Why not?
Last night I was up till 2:00 in the morning
finishing off kierkegaard.
I hope he thanked you for it.
I see the coach and George are still at it.
Yeah, it's kind of fun.
They enjoy each other's company.
It's nice to have someone your own age to spend time with.
You've been through the same fads,
you've seen the same films,
you don't have to explain things.
There's a real comfort in that.
It's too bad we're not closer in age.
Isn't it?
However, six or seven years really isn't that much.
Gee, I would have thought eight or nine.
I find older men stimulating.
I hope you're not talking about mean me.
Certainly not.
You're not the least bit stimulating.
Hey, listen, seriously, I would not worry about your age.
You're obviously young enough
to bring that kierkegaard fellow home.
Do you two think that you could put your glands on hold
long enough to get some work done here?
♪ Making the way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where everybody knows your name ♪
You win again, George.
I just had all the cards today, coach.
You'll get me tomorrow.
You bet I will.
Take it easy, pal.
Always do.
See you, pal. So long.
See you, folks!
Good night, George!
Sam, can I borrow 20 bucks till payday?
You bet.
Ooh, boy, was that George hot!
I didn't know you played for money.
Wow! Every day for months.
How many games have you won?
If I had to guess, let me see, uh...
None.
None?
Sam, I've been right in there every game.
Oh, coach, that guy's a hustler.
Come on, Carla, George and me, we're like pals.
Hey, that's how they operate. Trust me.
We're only playing for fun.
How much fun have you lost?
About 8 grand.
8 grand?
Oh, coach.
Wait a minute. That's spread over since last February.
Look, damn it, don't you see what he's doing?
I man, Carla's right.
He's taking you for everything you got.
I... I can't believe it.
Sam, you're at least six or seven years older than I am.
Wait a second, please. We just discovered that George
has been hustling coach for a lot of money here.
George? That sweet, white-haired gentleman?
Yeah. Piffle.
No, Diane, it's true.
Gee, Sam, isn't there anything we can do about it? Anything?
I got it.
We beat him up, strip him, take his money,
and put him on a bus.
Subtle, Carla.
Hey, that's how I got to Boston.
I just had the worst idea I've ever had.
Worse than hiring her?
I just had the second worst idea I've ever had.
Remember Harry?
Ohh! No!
Come on, maybe he could help us out here a little bit.
You mean that hustler
you're always throwing out of here?
Sam! That's like calling spinoza
to settle an argument
between Nietzsche and schopenhauer.
She's got a point there, Sam.
Look, I think it's a mistake to trust Harry.
Now, come on, look, George is a con man,
Harry is a con man.
What's the saying... "send a thief to..."
"To camp for the summer." Right.
I don't even know where to find him? Do you know...
I know exactly where he is.
In jail, like he always is.
You sure?
In Boston, please, for the city jail.
You sure you don't mind me doing this?
No, no, go ahead.
I use information to get numbers all the time.
Hey, coach.
Cliff: Uh-oh.
Hi, Harry.
Hey, Harry.
Here's the 10 bucks I'm gonna owe you in about 5 minutes,
all right?
Thanks.
Hey, coach. Where's Sam?
He'll be out in a minute, Harry.
Want to play for a drink?
Not a chance, Harry. No way.
Don't show fear.
He smells fear.
Cliff!
Harry.
You feel lucky?
Uh, sure, why?
I'll tell you what, I'll bet you a dime
I can drink that drink
without touching the hat.
Ha ha ha. A dime, huh?
Uh, ok. You're on.
Ok, you'll love this.
Glub! Glub! Glub! Glub! Glub! Glub!
Ahh!
It's gone.
Heh heh heh, yeah.
Hey, you know something about that?
Anybody can do that.
Oh, yeah?
I can do that.
No.
A dime.
Coach, another shot, please.
The dime says I can drink the old shot
without touching the ol' chapeau.
Are you ready?
[Mumbles]
Glub! Glub! Glub! Glub! Glub! Glub!
Ahh!
Ok, that baby's gone.
Nah!
Yes.
That's great, cliff.
That's worth a dime.
Hey, you can laugh, norm,
but at least I got my money back.
5 bucks for the booze, cliffo.
Thanks, cliff.
Yeah. Anytime, Harry.
What's the matter?
If we gave as much money to the space program
as they have to that guy,
we'd have condos on Venus.
Thank you for coming. Can I get you a drink?
For free is too easy.
All right, let's go sit over there.
Coach, you want to join us, please.
Carla, you got the bar.
Oh, she always gets to watch the bar.
Diane, you may have the bar.
Oh, goody.
[Clang]
Diane has the bar.
Yes?
I need a bloody Mary.
A bloody Mary coming up.
Where do we keep the Mary?
The bartender's guide.
Bloody...
"The bloody Mary.
"There's nothing like a fresh bloody Mary
"to start any day.
"This is a traditional favorite
"served with lunch, brunch,
"and often is the hair of the dog that bit you.
Its colorful name derives from..."
Make the drink!
That's Eddie the mole.
He's from Phoenix. They call him mole man or moley.
In Philly they call him sid.
Sid? Sid?
Philly's a dull town.
So what you're saying here is he's pretty well-known?
Any bird-dogger knows him.
He runs paper and cubes mainly in the crib
but sometimes right up against the wall.
Puts on a straight-up-guy kind of front,
then grinds away slow
with coolers and hop toads.
Real rip-and-tear kind of stuff.
Yeah, yeah. Sounds like him.
It seems to me he got in trouble
with the boys I Vegas last year.
He's been keeping kind of a low profile.
Could be him. A lot of those guys lay low
by making small money off dumb saps.
So, where do I come in?
Sam, excuse me.
Where do you keep the measuring spoons?
We don't have any.
What?
"Precise measurements
"are one of the keys to a good drink." Page 12.
Serving it the same day it's ordered
is right up there, too.
Carla, I...
Hey, girls, please, please.
Come on, Harry.
You got anything? You got any ideas?
Well, I think you need a poker game.
The mole is not known for poker.
Why don't you call him up and tell him
you have a little game going here at closing, ok?
Now, that makes you the roper.
You bring him into the game.
How do we know that he brings enough money to cover coach's losses?
Don't worry about that. The guys always carry a big roll.
They got to be ready for action.
Now, you, Sam, you promote this
as a friendly neighborhood game.
You're the inside man.
I'm with you so far.
Ok, now I'm gonna need a bankroll.
You just lost me.
If you don't stake me,
it doesn't go down.
I need about 5 grand.
5 grand! Are you kidding me?
This whole thing's getting out of hand.
Sam, please.
Please, Sam.
All right, I'll be the, uh...
What do you call the guy who brings the money?
Call him the guy who brings the money.
All right.
One other thing, Sam.
I appreciate this.
It's all right. I appreciate getting bailed out.
Besides, I don't like the idea of somebody else plucking my pigeons.
See ya.
Thanks, Sam.
"A dash of pepper."
Lot of ingredients in a bloody Mary, Sam.
Yeah, I know.
That's why we usually mix up 5 gallons
and put it in the refrigerator beforehand.
How come you're doing this, Carla?
Why did you let her do it?
I wanted to see her try and make vodka.
Closing time.
Hey, Sammy, uh, let me get this straight here.
Now, whatever we lose, we'll get back, right?
That's right.
Great. I love to gamble without risk.
Oh, Sam, would you mind if I stay and watch? No.
I promise, I promise I won't ask a bunch of dumb questions.
You won't even know I'm here.
Ok.
So why poker?
Why not crazy eights? Why not chess?
Why don't I shut up like I said I would.
I always get this way when I'm nervous, you know?
Sam, what can I do to stop?
I know what to do with hiccups or something,
but with runaway chatter, it's...
Hello, everyone!
[Muffled]
Hey, George!
I understand you fellas
have a little poker game going tonight?
Yeah, some of us get together every once in a while.
Coach thought you might like to sit in.
I haven't played poker in years.
I just hope I don't embarrass myself.
Embarrass yourself?
You're playing poker with a bunch of guys
who can't bet and chew gum at the same time.
We got an extra chair here, Harry,
if you want to sit in.
Me?
Well, I've heard
that poker can be a pleasant diversion...
If it doesn't get too intense.
Aren't you playing, coach?
Not me, George. Gin's my game.
O.k. Minimum buy-in is $500.
Let's see some money, gentlemen.
Boy, you're pretty good.
Lucky tonight.
Yeah, real lucky, huh, Harry.
Your bet, cliff.
Uh, ok, I'll see that 50,
and I'll raise you... Let's see.
I'll raise you 100 foreign commemoratives.
You can't bid stamps.
Uh, I'll fold then.
Up to you, norm.
The lord hates a coward.
I'll see the 50 and raise $300.
You're bluffing.
You're right. I'm out.
I'll raise 500.
Too rich for my blood.
I'm calling you, George.
Looks like it's my night, huh, boys?
Hey, Harry, maybe we ought to get out of the game.
What for?
Oh, no reason. No reason.
You lost most of the money I put in.
George has got all the cards,
and you're playing lousy.
Everything's fine.
I'm toying with him,
giving him a false sense of security.
I think you're giving him a genuine sense of security.
Hey, fellas! Let's play cards, huh?
Yeah, ok.
Straight to the Jack.
Damn it!
What the hell happened?
I lost.
No kidding! You lost everything I put in there!
Why didn't you cheat?
I mean, that was the whole point, wasn't it?
Sam, I ran every gaff I know,
and he beat me, all right? He beat me.
I don't know what to say to you except I'm sorry.
I'm going to wash up.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure.
Sam, could I ask you a question? What?
Does four of a kind beat a straight?
Yeah, of course.
Then why didn't Harry throw in these four 3s?
What time is it getting to be?
George, hang on a second.
What's going on here?
Nothing. I'm just going home.
Well, maybe not, maybe not.
You and Harry concocted this whole deal this afternoon, right?
What do you do now?
You go outside and split up the winnings?
Of course not.
Then you wouldn't mind if we just take our money back.
Try anything,
and I'll tell the police about this poker game.
You could lose your liquor license.
You must have done this before, huh?
Look, George, you made a fool out of me,
and you can keep my money, it's ok.
I just want all my friends here to get their money back,
every penny,
you understand, George, every penny?
I'm not giving you any of my money back.
Well, what if we cut up Harry's share, huh?
You know, that's not such a bad idea.
You could play him again, beat him,
and give us our money back.
Well, I never did like the guy.
I'll challenge him to another game.
Well, you think you can beat him?
Of course I can.
I can have three queens in my hand at any given time.
All I need to know is when he can't beat that.
You mean a sign? Yeah.
Sam, please let me give the sign.
Sam, all this trouble's on account of me.
Please, let me give the sign, please.
I don't know. I mean,
it's kind of tricky, isn't it?
He is the last person
Harry would figure being in on anything clever.
Just don't screw it up!
Come here, coach.
Now, give your sign
the first time Harry can't beat three queens.
Three queens.
Now, what's the sign?
Uh, let me see.
I'll rub my nose like this...
It's the old bunt sign. Got it.
N-n-n-n.
Ok, good night, everybody.
George, you need a ride downtown?
Afraid they're on to us, Harry.
On to what?
They figured out our little prank.
Come on, Sam.
Times are hard, you know?
A guy's got to do what he can.
Harry, I was never much of a team player...
Especially with Boston small-timers.
Why don't you and me play a little one-on-one...
For the whole jackpot?
You know, mole,
I was never too impressed by Arizona hustlers,
except they got good sinuses.
Hey.
You're on.
Mind if I deal?
No.
What's the game?
Five-card draw, no limit.
Here's your half.
Fine.
Ante's a yard.
What?
$100. Pay attention.
Gee.
I'll bet 2.
It's covered.
What do you need?
One.
Dealer takes one.
George, did you see that?
Yes, I did, coach.
I scratched my nose because it was itchy.
Right. I saw you do that.
It was really itchy, George!
That's why you scratched it.
Exactly.
Hey, stimulating conversation, huh?
We playing cards, or what?
It's George's bet.
Harry, let's stop fooling around.
Now I'm going into my private stash.
10 grand.
Oh, I like those socks.
Covered.
Three little ladies.
Four 3s?
That can't be.
Seeing is believing, mole.
Why did you make the bet?
Because you scratched your nose, you idiot!
But I told you why I scratched my nose!
Ok, that does it.
Harry, I never want to see you come through that door again!
Don't worry, Malone, you won't.
You caused me to lose a fortune, you old fool!
You're a stupid, blundering moron
who deserves to lose his money!
Ooh.
What a night.
I don't believe the whole thing happened.
I feel so...
Used.
Come on. What are you doing?
Aw, Sammy, I think he's snapped.
Coach.
Ha ha ha!
He's laughing.
What are you laughing at?
That!
One born every minute, huh, coach?
We did it, Harry!
There's your money!
Now who wants to play double or nothing?
You little...
You had George conned
that the two of you were working together,
while all along it was you and coach.
You're not even close!
Yeah, he is.
That's it exactly.
Come on.
Everybody, coffee's on me!
All right, coach!
So only you and coach knew about this.
Why didn't you let us in on it, huh?
I didn't think you were bright enough to pull it off.
I still don't like you.
Hey, Harry.
Hey, you, uh...
You feeling lucky tonight?
What have you got in mind?
A game of chance.
A simple cut of the cards.
What are the stakes?
If I win...
I get to go to bed with you.
What if I win?
You get to go to bed with me.
Forget it.
I understand. You, uh...
You'd rather earn it.