Excuse me.
Yes, sir.
Can you check upstairs and see if the table's ready for the Phillips' party?
Sure. I'd be glad to.
[Humming]
What was the name again?
Phillips.
[Humming]
♪ Makin' your way in the world today, takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Hey, lock up your daughters...
The fighting double deuce
is on the loose.
Can I help you?
Well you should help me. I sure helped you.
Well, I was fighting the kaiser when your daddy was in diapers.
Where's the rest of my outfit?
What you got on looks silly enough.
I'm talking about the other boys from the 22nd brigade.
I'm meeting them here.
I hope your not expecting the lemons.
No, no. Just the guys from my squad.
What's left of them.
I'm buzz crowder.
Sam, I got this one.
Buzz... buzz.
I'm the fella you talked to this morning.
I didn't recognize your uniform on the telephone.
Come on. Let me show you the back room.
It's in the back here. In the back.
I'm sorry about that.
Can I get you something to drink back there?
Nope, no. I don't drink.
But keep plenty for the others.
We've got a lot of catching up to do.
We meet in this bar every 10 years to reminisce.
Well, what war were you in, buzz?
Why, the first world war, of course.
Is that the one with Clark gable or Gary Cooper?
Wow, I'm eighty-five. What's your excuse?
Uh, baseball.
What you writing, slack?
Um, my thoughts.
That would explain all the blank pages.
Carla, I'm writing during the odd moments of the job,
much as Jack London did.
Oh, was he a bad waitress, too?
Ladies, please.
Enough girl talk.
Ah... any sex in it?
Ah!
I've started writing down bits of conversation
I hear in the bar. Sometimes people say things that
strike me as snippets of americana.
You mean things said by customers, employees...
Yeah.
The owner?
Ah, I'm afraid you're not represented.
Just my luck. She doesn't like my snippets.
Good afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norman.
What you up to, norm?
My ears.
Want a beer, norm?
Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?
There's a lady present, norm.
Oh. Sorry, Diane.
A shot of bourbon.
Uh, sir, save your quarter.
That piano hasn't worked in 20 years.
Use the juke box.
It doesn't work either, but it's only a dime.
Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?
'Cause no one else will give her a job.
Ladies. Ladies.
Got something good there?
Yes.
A remark a customer dropped just a moment ago.
Oh yeah? A quotable remark, huh?
You know, it occurs to me
that sometimes we find truth comes in a glass.
Or a mug.
Or your face.
Hey, pinky! You old grunt.
Sammy, uh... Tinkerbell here or what?
Hey, buzz, buzz,
isn't he a little bit young to be one of your guys?
Huh?
Oh, of course.
I'm sorry.
Well from behind, you look exactly like
the young pinky Peterson.
You shouldn't walk up and grab people like that.
If I buy you a beer, will you forget it?
Buy me a pitcher, you can kiss me on the lips.
Hey, you're all right!
I'll be in the back.
Everything all right back there?
Well, that room is kind of small.
One grenade'll get us all.
Ah, this looks like a nice saloon.
We aspire to saloon.
Can I just sit anywhere?
Try the bar.
Makes good cover during the gunfights.
Hi.
What'll you have?
Uh... I'll have a carafe of your house whiskey.
Excuse me?
Uh, is that a bad order?
Well, not if you're a party of 20.
This is the first time I've ever been in a bar.
No kidding?
No, really. I was just passing by
and decided to drop in and see what it's like.
Well, does it live up to your expectations?
Well, I expected to see more lost, desperate souls sitting around.
Well, desperate souls' night is Thursday.
All the beer you can cry into for a buck.
That's very amusing.
Thank you... Where's Diane?
I've never had hard liquor in my life.
You see, this is my last day in the secular world.
Tomorrow I'm going into a monastery.
So this is kind of like your last fling.
Well, first and last.
All right. I'll give you a drink
but I want you to take it easy, it kind of sneaks up on you.
You know I once thought of being a priest.
Oh, your religious?
No, I just thought it'd be a nice, kind of peaceful life, you know?
Allow me to dispell ypur misconceptions.
Oh, thank you, father.
Sure I can't get you something, buzz?
Not yet, Sam.
I came out to warn you about something.
Me and the boys have got a little joke to play on each other. You see
first man here always goes in the back room
strips down to his altogether.
Yeah. Yeah.
Then, he stands on the table
and when the others walk in,
he yells out,
"Lafayette, we are here!"
Well, tonight it's my turn.
Thanks for the warning, buzz.
Oh, Sam, uh...
Could you turn the heat up just a little bit?
A monk, huh?
Hey does that mean you have to give up...
Well, as the French so delicately put it,
the old eh-eh de-eh-eh?
I have to take a vow of chastity.
I also have to take a vow of silence.
If you're gonna giving up sex,
might as well give up talking.
What fun is messing around
if you can't tell the guys about it?
It's no big deal.
I've never had much luck with girls anyway.
They don't find me attractive.
Oh, hey, kev. You're an attractive guy.
Diane.
Yeah?
Don't you think he's a specimen?
Uh, well, yes.
He's a very attractive fellow.
Come on. I know I don't have any sex appeal.
I'm shy and serious-minded,
and the search goes on for my chin.
Kevin, speaking as a woman,
may I say that it's good you're going in the monastery.
You could be a real heartbreaker.
You're not a bambo are you?
No, no.
A bimbo.
Ah.
No. No. It's bimbo.
Not bambo.
And I'm not one.
But you are.
Attractive, Kevin.
Attractive.
What a great girl.
Sam...
Is she taken?
Only with herself.
One drink in four hours.
Is that what they call nursing it?
No, that's what they call
bringing it back from the dead.
I hate to admit it, but Carla just got in the book.
Yeah, well I always say, nurse a drink, starve a bartender.
Excuse me, Sam.
Uh, smite me again, barkeep.
You sure you want another one of these?
Yes, I'm rather enjoying myself.
Okay, I'll make this one a little weaker.
No charge for the water.
You needn't worry, Sam.
I know I'm a novice drinker,
but I've only had one, in all the time I've been here.
I'm not ready for the lamp shade yet.
Excuse me.
You know something Sam? That Kevin's going to make a great monk.
He's got a good attitude.
Diane.
Yes.
I want you.
Oh! No! No!
Diane, are you ok?
I'm ok.
I'm fine.
I think I'd like to go freshen up a little bit.
You ok?
Yeah.
Lafayette, we are here!
Aah!
Oh.
Dribble it.
Here's a little known fact.
Now most of you are probably under the assumption
that basketball was invented in these United States, right?
Yeah, James naismith. Springfield college.
I can see it's a good I showed up tonight.
Basketball was invented thousands of years ago by the Mayans.
They played it for centuries.
Is that true?
Sure. Hey, watch me get the coach on this one.
Hey, coach. I got a question for you.
Yeah, cliff.
Who invented basketball?
The Mayans.
Way to go, coach.
Where did you hear that?
Well, how should I know?
There must've been the Mayan in here bragging about it.
Buy' em Sammy, it's comeback time. Let's go.
Can I have your attention?
Shh.
I've been sitting here drinking all evening,
and now I have something important to say.
Yeah, down the hall and to the left.
First, I'd like to make a public apology
to the young lady I insulted earlier this evening.
I lost my head.
Kevin, please don't worry about it.
Apology accepted.
Second, I'd like to thank you all
for helping me see the light.
It is clear now that I am not fit for the monastery.
I succumb too easily to the pleasures of the flesh.
That's ok. A lot of that going around.
Don't worry about it.
Tonight has proven that I belong here,
in a bar, drinking booze with seedy degenerates
and getting slapped around by cheap dames.
Kevin, it's our pleasure.
I'm gonna give you
a real man's drink here. I'ts called coffee.
Coffee? Men drink that?
Men who've had too much to drink do.
That's it! That's the ball game!
Ok, norm. Pay up.
What do you say, double or nothing on the highlights?
Sam, any of my squad check in?
Uh, not yet, buzz.
Maybe I won't wait for them.
Send me back a ginger ale.
Sam, I want a drink that only men drink.
Something that makes women sick.
I'll give you some more coffee.
No, no. I want something stronger than coffee.
I'll give you yesterday's coffee.
Kevin, look your going to have a big day tomorrow.
How are you gonna feel walking into a monastery with a hangover?
I'm serious, Sam.
I'm not going.
Kevin, you're drunk.
I am?
Believe me I know what I'm talking about.
What about your calling, Kevin?
Oh, I never had a calling.
I talked myself into believing that.
I've always been an ordinary person.
I thought that would make me special.
This guy discovered forever is a long time to go between hayrides.
You're gonna turn your back on god
because of sex?
Believe me.
Sex is not that important.
Oh, please.
Carla, whew!
Well, it's not.
It's not.
Can sex make stars?
Or a tree?
Or a rainbow?
Can sex make an ocean,
or a newborn baby...
Forget that one.
I know just what she means.
I once had a religious experience
just watching a hummingbird
hovering next to a flower.
It's almost impossible to imagine
that something could hang
in midair like that for so long.
I guess you never saw one of my curve balls.
You all think a man can't change his life in one evening,
but I have.
I want to be a regular guy.
I want to arm-wrestle and tell crude jokes
and spit on the floor.
And I want to dance with cheap women. Carla, let's dance.
Put that in your notebook, I break your fingers.
Kevin... kevin just sit down.
I want to dance, Sam.
I'm having the time of my life. I don't ever want it to end.
Come on, Kevin. That doesn't even work.
It doesn't?
Well, then.
[Piano plays]
Thought you said that thing was broken?
It is. It was.
I mean, it hasn't been working for 20 years.
Oh, my god.
Kevin, do you realize what this means?
I've healed the piano?
It's a miracle or something.
Wait a minute. Miracles don't happen.
Are you sure it was broken?
Yes. The motor was rusted solid.
How could this happen?
Well, maybe something or somebody's
trying to tell you what to do with your life.
Get into piano repair.
No, no. Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What are you trying to say?
Well, Kevin, you said you're an ordinary person.
Maybe you're not.
Maybe you have a direction.
You might as well try and find out.
Oh, your right. I've come too far
to let one night in a flesh pot
change my whole life.
Yeah.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Hey, kid.
Oh.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Thank you... Thank you.
Good night, kev... Thank you.
Bye, Kevin.
See you in church.
Boy, that was inspiring.
Sam, are you sure you didn't get that piano fixed?
I didn't get it fixed? Did you get it fixed?
Yeah, a couple of days ago, Sam.
I meant to tell you about it, but it slipped my mind.
Coach, why did you think it was inspiring
if you got the piano fixed?
Well, gee, Diane.
That piano's been busted for, what, 20 years?
Why did I, all of a sudden, decide to have it fixed?
This would make a great bar story.
Too bad we're all here.
Poor buzz. He's breaking my heart.
None of his old buddies showed, huh?
No. He's back there all by himself, throwing darts. He's
been throwing darts now for over an hour and a half.
Poor guy.
Yu know, I don't think they'll ever make a pack
big enough to carry the loneliness of a soldier.
Nah.
Oh, come on.
Sam.
What do I owe you, Sam?
Nothing, buzz.
The room's on us. Forget it.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, buzz. I was in the army myself, you know. Fort dix.
Yeah, I served in the Navy, buzz, in pensacola.
I was in the reserves.
I was never actually in the army
but I did serve in uniform.
I was a brownie.
I won merit badges.
I was in Saint cletus' correctional institute for wayward girls
we used brownies for firewood.
You know...
Every reunion we've had
has thinned out a little more.
I... I guess this is the last one.
I guess I'm the last one.
Hey, come on. Maybe they, uh, maybe they just forgot.
I mean, people tend to get busy, and make other commitments.
Yeah. Yeah.
Maybe their lives aren't going so well,
and they just don't want to come down here and see how great you're doing.
Maybe they never liked ya.
Those guys would never just forget.
Uh-uh. No.
Not after the things we went through together.
[Tearfully] No, sir.
I'm going to miss these reunions.
Wait a minute, buzz. Wait a minute.
Listen, if all you want is some buddies to get together with, we're here.
Yeah! Yeah!
We're not old coots like you, but we feel like we know you.
Intimately.
Look, buzz. Maybe we could have like a reunion every 10 years.
Why 10? What's wrong with every year, huh?
Yeah!
How's about every week?
All right!
♪ Mademoiselle from armentieres ♪
♪ parlez vous
♪ mademoiselle from armentieres parlez vous ♪
♪ la la la la la la la ♪
♪ hinky dinky parlez vous ♪
every 10 years will be fine.
Ah, come on, pinky. I'll beat you at darts.
Oh yeah? We'll see about that. Come on, everybody.
Sam, you don't need me now, do you?
I've got an early class in the morning.
No, that's all right. You can go.
Good. Thanks.
Sam, you know something?
Loneliness is a good thing to share with someone.
Oh, wow.
Oh.
Oh, wow?
"Somebody."
Could you get my purse for me, please?
This has been a great day, huh?
How could I have known when I woke up this morning
that I would meet a monk and a doughboy?
Two men with one foot in heaven.
Oh, that's good.
Uh, ok... Wait.
Wait a second.
It's not like this is important to me or anything,
but are you aware
that I'm the only person in this whole bar
who's not in that book?
Uh... really?
When I played baseball, I mean, I used to get quoted all the time.
I mean, reporters use to hang around my locker
just waiting for me to say something intelligent.
I know the feeling.
Sam!
Come on. That was a joke.
No, you're not joking.
You're telling me that I'm too dumb to be in that book.
Sam, there are a lot of people in this book
just as dumb as you are.
Now, look...
I want natural poetry, ok?
I'm writing down spontaneous statements all day.
You've been trying too hard.
That's all right. Fine.
You know, I don't really want to be in that stupid, pretentious book
of yours anyway. You've been writing some pretty stupid stuff in that book.
I mean, I've heard some of the stuff
you've been writing in that book and it's stupid.
You know, I mean, what does a stuffed shirt
know about blue collar poetry, huh?
That's good.
That's really good.
What does a... Know about...