1
00:00:01,605 --> 00:00:04,405
Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,704
What's going on there?
3
00:00:06,804 --> 00:00:09,104
There appears to be a man
lying in the street.
4
00:00:09,204 --> 00:00:10,504
Oh, my God, it's Woody! Woody.
5
00:00:10,604 --> 00:00:11,504
Excuse us, excuse us.
6
00:00:11,604 --> 00:00:12,964
Move back, please,
a doctor coming.
7
00:00:13,003 --> 00:00:13,903
Are you all right?
8
00:00:14,003 --> 00:00:15,163
Don't move me, don't move me!
9
00:00:15,203 --> 00:00:16,302
Don't move him!
10
00:00:16,303 --> 00:00:17,803
Somebody get help!
11
00:00:19,702 --> 00:00:22,901
Straighten her out, Sam.
12
00:00:22,902 --> 00:00:23,902
Thanks, Woods.
13
00:00:29,501 --> 00:00:31,800
¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶
14
00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:35,000
¶ Takes everything you've got ¶
15
00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:37,699
¶ Taking a break
from all your worries ¶
16
00:00:37,799 --> 00:00:41,199
¶ Sure would help a lot.
17
00:00:41,299 --> 00:00:45,198
¶ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ¶
18
00:00:46,398 --> 00:00:48,698
¶ Sometimes you want to go.
19
00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:53,197
¶ Where everybody
knows your name ¶
20
00:00:54,497 --> 00:00:59,096
¶ And they're always
glad you came ¶
21
00:00:59,196 --> 00:01:01,395
¶ You wanna be
where you can see ¶
22
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:03,994
¶ Our troubles
are all the same ¶
23
00:01:03,995 --> 00:01:08,294
¶ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ¶
24
00:01:09,494 --> 00:01:11,394
¶ You wanna go
where people know ¶
25
00:01:11,494 --> 00:01:14,692
¶ People are all the same.
26
00:01:14,693 --> 00:01:19,293
¶ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ¶
27
00:01:36,590 --> 00:01:38,265
Hey, Carla, you'll never believe
what I found
28
00:01:38,289 --> 00:01:39,889
in the storage closet.
29
00:01:39,989 --> 00:01:41,489
This great old foosball table.
30
00:01:43,189 --> 00:01:45,788
Yeah, I was pretty excited, too.
31
00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:48,088
This foosball table is evil.
32
00:01:48,188 --> 00:01:49,587
It's cursed.
33
00:01:49,588 --> 00:01:50,886
What are you talking about?
34
00:01:50,887 --> 00:01:55,287
One day, it mysteriously
appeared in the alley out back.
35
00:01:55,387 --> 00:01:57,386
From the moment we started
to play it,
36
00:01:57,486 --> 00:02:00,086
this place turned
from a nice local tavern
37
00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:04,185
into a seething pit
of resentment and backstabbing.
38
00:02:04,285 --> 00:02:07,085
Oh... so that's how it happened.
39
00:02:11,184 --> 00:02:13,684
I'm telling you, things got ugly
around here.
40
00:02:13,784 --> 00:02:14,784
One time,
41
00:02:14,883 --> 00:02:17,383
the ball flew out and
hit Clavin in the eye
42
00:02:17,483 --> 00:02:19,082
for no earthly reason.
43
00:02:19,083 --> 00:02:22,382
It was funny.
44
00:02:22,482 --> 00:02:23,982
But it was spooky.
45
00:02:24,082 --> 00:02:25,282
That's when I realized
46
00:02:25,382 --> 00:02:27,080
that this
47
00:02:27,081 --> 00:02:29,081
is an evil foosball table.
48
00:02:29,181 --> 00:02:31,381
Well, why didn't you
get rid of it?
49
00:02:31,481 --> 00:02:33,680
Well, we tried to throw it away,
50
00:02:33,780 --> 00:02:35,679
but the trashman
who picked it up
51
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,979
slipped and fell
backward into traffic.
52
00:02:39,079 --> 00:02:42,579
I'll never forget
his last words...
53
00:02:42,679 --> 00:02:44,579
"What the...?"
54
00:02:51,677 --> 00:02:56,076
Well, it's, it's not exactly
"The Telltale Heart," but...
55
00:02:56,077 --> 00:02:58,575
it's a pretty good story.
56
00:02:58,576 --> 00:02:59,775
Gee, Carla, I had no idea.
57
00:02:59,776 --> 00:03:01,276
I'll put it right back.
58
00:03:01,376 --> 00:03:02,076
Hey, Cliffie! Huh?
59
00:03:02,276 --> 00:03:04,174
Check it out... the foos table.
60
00:03:04,175 --> 00:03:05,175
Too late.
61
00:03:05,275 --> 00:03:07,174
It has risen from
its resting place
62
00:03:07,175 --> 00:03:10,074
to feed upon the
fat and middle-aged.
63
00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:13,674
Uh, Sam.
64
00:03:13,774 --> 00:03:16,873
Oh, hey, John,
how very nice to see you again.
65
00:03:16,973 --> 00:03:17,573
You're lying, aren't you?
66
00:03:17,773 --> 00:03:19,073
Yes, I am.
67
00:03:20,473 --> 00:03:22,871
Mr. Hill, I just had lunch
up at your restaurant
68
00:03:22,872 --> 00:03:24,772
and the risotto with bay
scallops and fennel...
69
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,672
Oh, I think it was the
most delicious
70
00:03:26,772 --> 00:03:28,371
thing I've ever had to eat.
71
00:03:28,471 --> 00:03:29,271
We'll name it for you.
72
00:03:29,272 --> 00:03:30,570
Thank you.
73
00:03:30,571 --> 00:03:31,371
Hey, come here.
74
00:03:31,471 --> 00:03:32,671
I hate this guy.
75
00:03:32,771 --> 00:03:34,546
What are you, what are
you kissing up to him for?
76
00:03:34,570 --> 00:03:37,370
I'm not kissing up, Sam,
I like the food.
77
00:03:37,470 --> 00:03:39,670
Sam, you don't have
to be jealous.
78
00:03:39,770 --> 00:03:42,068
You are a very
handsome businessman,
79
00:03:42,069 --> 00:03:44,368
and you own the
hottest spot in town.
80
00:03:44,369 --> 00:03:46,168
Oh, oh, thank you very much.
81
00:03:46,368 --> 00:03:48,468
That's kissing up.
82
00:03:52,267 --> 00:03:54,367
Sam, I think we both know
why I'm here.
83
00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:57,167
I bet you want the number
to my hairstylist. Don't you?
84
00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:59,066
Oh, I'm sorry.
85
00:03:59,166 --> 00:04:00,566
Now, that was cruel.
86
00:04:04,465 --> 00:04:06,365
Sam, as we both know,
87
00:04:06,465 --> 00:04:09,164
I own legal title to your
poolroom and both bathrooms. Hey,
88
00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:11,240
why do you keep repeating that
every time you come down here?
89
00:04:11,264 --> 00:04:12,864
You're driving me up the wall.
90
00:04:12,964 --> 00:04:14,063
That's why.
91
00:04:14,064 --> 00:04:15,664
Now where was I?
92
00:04:15,764 --> 00:04:17,939
Oh, yes, as you know, I own
legal title to your poolroom
93
00:04:17,963 --> 00:04:20,363
and both bathrooms,
94
00:04:20,463 --> 00:04:23,262
and rent on said property is
past due since last Wednesday.
95
00:04:23,362 --> 00:04:24,738
I hope you haven't
forgotten me, Sam.
96
00:04:24,762 --> 00:04:25,762
Forgotten you?
97
00:04:25,862 --> 00:04:27,562
John, I could never forget you.
98
00:04:27,662 --> 00:04:29,760
You're in my bad dreams
every night.
99
00:04:29,761 --> 00:04:31,261
You're the reason
why I'm in therapy
100
00:04:31,361 --> 00:04:32,561
for the first time in my life.
101
00:04:32,661 --> 00:04:34,061
Well, don't forget
102
00:04:34,161 --> 00:04:36,159
to mention to your therapist
that I own legal title to y...
103
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:37,260
All right,
104
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,640
all right, all right, all right.
105
00:04:39,660 --> 00:04:42,358
I'll write you
your stupid check.
106
00:04:42,359 --> 00:04:43,959
Sam, I'm a little hurt.
107
00:04:44,059 --> 00:04:45,859
If you felt the need
to see a therapist,
108
00:04:45,959 --> 00:04:46,859
why didn't you come to me?
109
00:04:46,959 --> 00:04:48,058
Oh...
110
00:04:48,158 --> 00:04:49,834
Well, I... you know,
I was looking, sort of,
111
00:04:49,858 --> 00:04:51,858
for a doctor that,
you know, didn't know me
112
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,057
so well,
113
00:04:53,058 --> 00:04:56,956
who has, uh, blonde hair
and smoky eyes
114
00:04:56,957 --> 00:05:01,355
and wears miniskirts and crosses
her legs all the time.
115
00:05:01,356 --> 00:05:02,556
Oh.
116
00:05:02,656 --> 00:05:03,656
Connie Forsythe, a fine doctor.
117
00:05:03,657 --> 00:05:04,756
Yeah.
118
00:05:05,755 --> 00:05:06,555
She'll straighten you out.
119
00:05:06,655 --> 00:05:07,655
Oh, she did.
120
00:05:09,155 --> 00:05:10,455
Here's my personal check.
121
00:05:10,555 --> 00:05:12,353
You'll notice that
I made it out to
122
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:14,953
John "You Stink" Hill.
123
00:05:14,954 --> 00:05:17,953
Sam, this is not up
to your usual standards.
124
00:05:18,653 --> 00:05:19,853
Now it is.
125
00:05:21,253 --> 00:05:24,051
Man, I can never get the guy.
126
00:05:24,052 --> 00:05:26,012
I hate him. Just once
I would like to do something
127
00:05:26,052 --> 00:05:27,452
that gets under his skin.
128
00:05:27,552 --> 00:05:28,928
Sam, forget him, he's gone.
No, he's
129
00:05:28,952 --> 00:05:30,451
not gone,
there's no escaping the guy.
130
00:05:30,551 --> 00:05:32,351
I mean,
I-I walk down my own hallway
131
00:05:32,451 --> 00:05:33,951
and I know that I'm on his turf.
132
00:05:34,051 --> 00:05:36,649
I can't even go to the damn
bathroom without getting mad.
133
00:05:36,650 --> 00:05:38,950
Oh, you, too, Sammy?
134
00:05:41,050 --> 00:05:42,749
You know something?
135
00:05:42,849 --> 00:05:43,749
I'm out of here.
136
00:05:43,849 --> 00:05:45,048
I'm gonna go see Dr. Forsythe.
137
00:05:45,049 --> 00:05:46,849
I got to get this
out of my system.
138
00:05:46,949 --> 00:05:48,324
You're going to talk
to her about it?
139
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,548
No, I'm gonna get it
out of my system. Talk?
140
00:05:53,948 --> 00:05:55,146
Excuse me.
141
00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:56,947
Are you Mr. Malone? Yeah.
142
00:05:57,047 --> 00:05:59,147
Well, there seems to be a
problem with this check.
143
00:05:59,247 --> 00:06:01,045
Oh, what? I just
made a joke name up.
144
00:06:01,046 --> 00:06:02,246
Big deal.
145
00:06:02,346 --> 00:06:04,246
All he has to do
is make sure he endorses it
146
00:06:04,346 --> 00:06:05,446
John "I Stink" Hill.
147
00:06:06,645 --> 00:06:09,045
No, Mr. Malone,
you made it out for too much.
148
00:06:09,145 --> 00:06:11,344
You added an extra zero.
149
00:06:11,345 --> 00:06:12,944
Wow.
150
00:06:13,044 --> 00:06:15,343
Oh, well, thank you
very much, it's...
151
00:06:15,344 --> 00:06:17,544
I'm kind of surprised
someone as nice as you
152
00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:19,943
works for that
bald-headed jackass.
153
00:06:20,043 --> 00:06:20,943
Oh, I don't work for him.
154
00:06:21,043 --> 00:06:23,242
I'm the bald-headed
jackass' daughter,
155
00:06:23,243 --> 00:06:25,942
Valerie "You Stink" Hill.
156
00:06:26,742 --> 00:06:29,142
I'm sorry.
157
00:06:29,242 --> 00:06:31,641
I-I-I never intended
for anyone to see that
158
00:06:31,741 --> 00:06:33,140
except John.
159
00:06:33,141 --> 00:06:34,741
And all the people at the bank.
160
00:06:34,841 --> 00:06:36,441
Well, yeah.
161
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:40,040
I'll write you another check.
162
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,539
Valerie, what are you doing
down here?
163
00:06:43,639 --> 00:06:46,339
I asked you
never to come down here.
164
00:06:48,239 --> 00:06:50,938
I just wanted to get
the right amount on the check.
165
00:06:51,038 --> 00:06:54,037
Well, I was perfectly pleased
with the amount as written.
166
00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:55,836
Besides, I don't
want you associating
167
00:06:55,837 --> 00:06:57,237
with the element
that hangs around
168
00:06:57,337 --> 00:07:00,137
in this bar. Wipe your hands.
169
00:07:01,437 --> 00:07:03,136
Thank you.
170
00:07:04,536 --> 00:07:05,836
Sam, I heard you say you wanted
171
00:07:05,936 --> 00:07:07,436
to get under Mr. Hill's skin.
172
00:07:07,536 --> 00:07:08,135
Yeah.
173
00:07:08,235 --> 00:07:09,535
Well, I got a way,
174
00:07:09,635 --> 00:07:12,035
but... I think it's impossible.
175
00:07:12,135 --> 00:07:14,255
You're thinking that maybe
I should date his daughter?
176
00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:16,733
Great idea!
177
00:07:16,734 --> 00:07:20,033
No, no, no, if you really want
to get under Mr. Hill's skin,
178
00:07:20,133 --> 00:07:24,233
the best way is we shrink you
down to microscopic size
179
00:07:24,333 --> 00:07:25,833
and then we put you in a syringe
180
00:07:25,933 --> 00:07:28,132
and we inject you
right into his arm.
181
00:07:28,232 --> 00:07:29,931
But I still say it's impossible.
182
00:07:29,932 --> 00:07:30,932
Oh, I love this.
183
00:07:30,933 --> 00:07:32,032
This is a great idea.
184
00:07:33,031 --> 00:07:34,231
Oh, great.
185
00:07:34,331 --> 00:07:35,931
Now I got Sam trying
to contradict
186
00:07:36,031 --> 00:07:37,531
the immutable laws of science.
187
00:07:39,130 --> 00:07:41,530
When am I going to learn
to keep my mouth shut?
188
00:07:51,328 --> 00:07:54,628
You know, Sam, I have to confess
I've never really been out
189
00:07:54,728 --> 00:07:55,928
with a guy like you before.
190
00:07:56,028 --> 00:07:57,626
I'm afraid I don't
even know how to act.
191
00:07:57,627 --> 00:07:59,127
Ah, well, it's really easy.
192
00:07:59,227 --> 00:08:00,787
Shimmy over here
a little bit, will you?
193
00:08:00,827 --> 00:08:01,727
There you go.
194
00:08:01,827 --> 00:08:04,126
Now... first off,
just, you know,
195
00:08:04,226 --> 00:08:06,725
adjust your, uh,
outfit a little bit there.
196
00:08:06,726 --> 00:08:07,825
Very good.
197
00:08:07,826 --> 00:08:09,424
Laugh like hell
at everything I say
198
00:08:09,425 --> 00:08:11,525
and, oh, yeah,
put your hand in my lap.
199
00:08:13,225 --> 00:08:15,323
No, th-that was not a joke.
200
00:08:15,324 --> 00:08:19,824
Sam, I really feel like I
don't know what to say to you.
201
00:08:19,924 --> 00:08:20,824
Well, it doesn't
really matter, sweetheart,
202
00:08:20,923 --> 00:08:21,923
it's just...
203
00:08:23,323 --> 00:08:24,822
All you got to do
is make sure you whisper it
204
00:08:24,823 --> 00:08:26,323
right here, right in my neck.
205
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,022
Yeah, there you go.
Oh, hi, John!
206
00:08:29,722 --> 00:08:31,822
Boy, I didn't expect
to see you here tonight.
207
00:08:31,922 --> 00:08:34,121
Sam, I see you've made friends
with my daughter.
208
00:08:34,221 --> 00:08:36,520
Oh, yes, we're very good
friends by now, John.
209
00:08:36,521 --> 00:08:40,220
I've discovered how her eyes
dance in the light,
210
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:44,619
how neat her hair smells,
how soft her skin feels.
211
00:08:44,620 --> 00:08:47,219
Modesty prevents me
from going on.
212
00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:48,819
Fine, I'll send
213
00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:50,019
the wine steward over.
214
00:08:51,918 --> 00:08:55,718
Sam, I liked what you
said about my eyes,
215
00:08:55,818 --> 00:08:58,117
but you know I'm
wearing contacts.
216
00:08:58,217 --> 00:08:59,417
Hmm?
217
00:08:59,517 --> 00:09:00,816
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.
218
00:09:00,817 --> 00:09:03,716
I saw them swimming around
in there earlier.
219
00:09:07,516 --> 00:09:08,516
Here, here, o-open up.
220
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:09,616
Hey, John, look at this.
221
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:12,115
Your daughter and I
are sharing food together.
222
00:09:14,315 --> 00:09:16,113
I hope I'm not interrupting,
223
00:09:16,114 --> 00:09:18,190
but has anybody told you about
the specials for tonight?
224
00:09:18,214 --> 00:09:20,614
Oh, it doesn't really matter,
John. We're just gonna have
225
00:09:20,714 --> 00:09:25,013
a ton of raw oysters and then dash
out of here all out of breath.
226
00:09:27,013 --> 00:09:29,812
The oysters are delicious.
227
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:33,312
What the hell kind
of father is he?
228
00:09:33,412 --> 00:09:35,611
Here I am, smelling your hair,
talking oysters.
229
00:09:35,711 --> 00:09:37,811
I mean, I could be the
biggest creep in the world.
230
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,887
I could be taking you out
for all the wrong reasons.
231
00:09:39,911 --> 00:09:41,410
Are you, Sam? No, of course not.
232
00:09:42,210 --> 00:09:43,910
Here, jump in my lap.
233
00:09:44,010 --> 00:09:46,010
There you go.
234
00:09:46,110 --> 00:09:47,709
Sam, I'm not sure
I feel comfortable
235
00:09:47,809 --> 00:09:49,108
sitting in your lap like this.
236
00:09:49,109 --> 00:09:50,808
Hmm? Oh. How's that?
237
00:09:50,809 --> 00:09:52,409
Oh, I like that.
238
00:09:54,808 --> 00:09:58,208
Uh, Sam, I wonder if I could
speak with you for a moment?
239
00:09:58,308 --> 00:10:00,107
Well, sure, John.
240
00:10:00,207 --> 00:10:01,907
Will you excuse me
for a minute, Valerie?
241
00:10:02,007 --> 00:10:03,707
Oh, do I have to move?
242
00:10:03,807 --> 00:10:06,806
Usually, but, uh, we'll
talk about that later.
243
00:10:11,205 --> 00:10:13,105
Yes, John?
244
00:10:13,205 --> 00:10:14,905
Sam, I was thinking if you're
245
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:16,481
considering dessert,
I'd like to recommend
246
00:10:16,505 --> 00:10:18,604
the Grand Marnier soufflé
for two.
247
00:10:18,704 --> 00:10:19,904
It's quite elegant.
248
00:10:20,004 --> 00:10:21,480
The only thing is,
you have to order it
249
00:10:21,504 --> 00:10:22,804
at least a half an hour ahead...
250
00:10:22,904 --> 00:10:25,402
Oh, please, don't take her away
from me, Sam.
251
00:10:25,403 --> 00:10:27,303
She's the only daughter
I've ever had.
252
00:10:27,403 --> 00:10:29,302
Please, Sam, please.
253
00:10:29,402 --> 00:10:32,402
Oh, John, I-I was just
taking her out to annoy you.
254
00:10:32,502 --> 00:10:36,601
I had no idea it would cause
such genuine pain.
255
00:10:39,301 --> 00:10:41,301
I'll give you anything
you want, Sam.
256
00:10:41,401 --> 00:10:42,200
You want your poolroom
257
00:10:42,201 --> 00:10:44,300
and both bathrooms
rent-free, fine.
258
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,000
Just promise me you'll
never see Valerie again.
259
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:49,099
Oh, John, what kind of guy
do you think I am?
260
00:10:49,199 --> 00:10:50,598
I mean, how can I go along
261
00:10:50,599 --> 00:10:52,799
with a sleazy arrangement
like that? Oh, boy, oh, boy.
262
00:10:52,899 --> 00:10:55,198
I'll give you my parking
space for your Corvette.
263
00:10:55,298 --> 00:10:57,198
Deal.
264
00:11:03,597 --> 00:11:04,973
I'm telling you guys,
it was beautiful.
265
00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:05,896
Yeah?
266
00:11:05,996 --> 00:11:07,596
I now have my poolroom
267
00:11:07,696 --> 00:11:08,995
and my bathrooms rent-free,
268
00:11:08,996 --> 00:11:11,795
but better yet,
I had the guy in tears.
269
00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:12,871
Look at that...
I got some of them
270
00:11:12,895 --> 00:11:14,295
right there on the napkin.
271
00:11:15,395 --> 00:11:16,895
Very nice. Now, what are you
272
00:11:16,995 --> 00:11:18,494
gonna do about the date
with the girl?
273
00:11:18,594 --> 00:11:19,693
What?
274
00:11:19,694 --> 00:11:22,094
Oh, thank you, ooh.
275
00:11:22,194 --> 00:11:24,292
I forgot.
276
00:11:24,293 --> 00:11:25,992
Sam,
277
00:11:25,993 --> 00:11:27,192
I finished all the oysters
278
00:11:27,193 --> 00:11:28,993
and I'm feeling kind of funny.
279
00:11:30,792 --> 00:11:31,891
What do you want to do now?
280
00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:33,991
Actually, Val,
I'm kind of busy here.
281
00:11:33,992 --> 00:11:35,691
Uh, a problem's just come up.
282
00:11:35,692 --> 00:11:37,791
Uh, something
with the kegs here.
283
00:11:37,891 --> 00:11:38,991
The kegs are leaking.
284
00:11:39,091 --> 00:11:40,091
What?!
285
00:11:40,191 --> 00:11:42,190
He's feeding her a line, stupid.
286
00:11:42,191 --> 00:11:45,290
Well, you don't joke about
that kind of thing, ever.
287
00:11:45,390 --> 00:11:46,290
Well...
288
00:11:46,390 --> 00:11:48,089
maybe when you're through here
289
00:11:48,090 --> 00:11:49,289
we can go for a drive.
290
00:11:49,389 --> 00:11:50,389
Oh, I don't know.
291
00:11:50,489 --> 00:11:52,788
Uh, these kegs are
a never-ending problem.
292
00:11:52,789 --> 00:11:54,588
I'm thinking of getting
rid of them, actually.
293
00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:56,164
Hey, I don't find this
kind of thing funny.
294
00:11:56,188 --> 00:11:57,788
Okay, maybe it's me.
295
00:11:57,888 --> 00:11:59,787
Well, maybe we can
do it another time.
296
00:11:59,788 --> 00:12:02,786
Uh... I don't, I don't think so.
297
00:12:02,787 --> 00:12:05,487
I-I don't think things are
working out, Valerie.
298
00:12:05,587 --> 00:12:07,386
All right.
299
00:12:08,586 --> 00:12:10,185
Was it something I did?
300
00:12:10,186 --> 00:12:11,585
Oh, no, no-no, no, no.
301
00:12:11,586 --> 00:12:14,885
Uh, you know, some things
work out, some things don't.
302
00:12:16,385 --> 00:12:19,284
This is one of those that
just didn't work out.
303
00:12:19,384 --> 00:12:21,784
Oh. Okay.
304
00:12:23,184 --> 00:12:25,483
Well, bye.
305
00:12:25,583 --> 00:12:27,483
Bye.
306
00:12:35,182 --> 00:12:37,781
I tell you, man, this is the
best deal I've ever scammed.
307
00:12:37,881 --> 00:12:39,081
I get my poolroom
308
00:12:39,181 --> 00:12:40,980
and my bathrooms rent-free,
and all I had to do
309
00:12:40,981 --> 00:12:42,941
was throw a little fish back
I didn't want anyway.
310
00:12:42,981 --> 00:12:44,080
Yeah, way to go, Sammy.
311
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,080
You want to, uh, go
312
00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:46,880
shoot some stick
in your poolroom?
313
00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:48,580
No, I don't think so.
314
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,579
Well, how'd you like to wash
your hands, Sam,
315
00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:52,378
in your bathroom?
316
00:12:52,379 --> 00:12:53,678
No, no.
317
00:12:53,679 --> 00:12:54,979
What do you want Sam?
318
00:12:55,878 --> 00:12:57,278
I want that little fish back.
319
00:13:11,646 --> 00:13:13,345
Yes! Oh, we're tied!
320
00:13:13,346 --> 00:13:15,846
We're tied!
321
00:13:16,646 --> 00:13:18,545
Carla, give us the ball.
322
00:13:18,645 --> 00:13:21,045
No, this is an evil game
and it brings a curse
323
00:13:21,145 --> 00:13:22,444
on anyone who plays it.
324
00:13:22,445 --> 00:13:24,044
I'm just trying
to save you guys.
325
00:13:24,144 --> 00:13:25,244
Oh, come on, Carla.
326
00:13:25,344 --> 00:13:26,704
It's just a harmless
foosball game.
327
00:13:26,744 --> 00:13:28,043
We're just having fun.
328
00:13:28,044 --> 00:13:29,544
So look, here, you drop the ball
329
00:13:29,644 --> 00:13:31,842
so I can tear the heads off
these pasty-faced geeks
330
00:13:31,843 --> 00:13:33,843
and drink their warm, red blood!
331
00:13:39,942 --> 00:13:42,441
Did my head just
turn completely around?
332
00:13:44,441 --> 00:13:46,741
Or was that just
a trick of the light?
333
00:13:49,340 --> 00:13:52,540
I can't believe I traded
her for bathrooms.
334
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:55,138
Sam, give me a break.
335
00:13:55,139 --> 00:13:56,815
The only reason you're
interested in that girl
336
00:13:56,839 --> 00:13:58,338
is because you can't have her.
337
00:13:58,339 --> 00:13:59,739
It was the same thing with me.
338
00:14:02,138 --> 00:14:04,138
You wanted her, too, Miss Howe?
339
00:14:07,937 --> 00:14:11,436
Boy, I've been in this city
one month too long.
340
00:14:11,437 --> 00:14:12,636
No, no...
341
00:14:12,736 --> 00:14:13,736
Woody...
342
00:14:13,836 --> 00:14:15,412
he wanted me because
he couldn't have me.
343
00:14:15,436 --> 00:14:16,536
You know, Sam,
344
00:14:16,636 --> 00:14:18,436
if I told you right now
you could have me,
345
00:14:18,536 --> 00:14:20,011
I bet you wouldn't
even be interested.
346
00:14:20,035 --> 00:14:22,934
Maybe, but I'd,
uh, still perform
347
00:14:22,935 --> 00:14:24,535
'cause I'm a professional.
348
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,233
So, uh, Sammy.
349
00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:29,733
What is it now?
What are you gonna do?
350
00:14:29,734 --> 00:14:31,633
- I'm gonna see her again.
- Sam,
351
00:14:31,733 --> 00:14:33,653
if you do that, you may
end up having to pay rent
352
00:14:33,733 --> 00:14:35,432
again on the poolroom
and on the bathrooms.
353
00:14:35,433 --> 00:14:36,733
Why is that?
354
00:14:36,833 --> 00:14:38,532
Well, if you take an action,
355
00:14:38,632 --> 00:14:40,732
you'll have to face
the consequences.
356
00:14:40,832 --> 00:14:42,732
No, I don't. I'm Sammy.
357
00:14:42,832 --> 00:14:44,830
Where have you been
all these years?
358
00:14:44,831 --> 00:14:46,530
Oh, right.
359
00:14:46,531 --> 00:14:48,131
I forgot, you're
Nietzsche's Superman.
360
00:14:48,231 --> 00:14:49,430
Oh, yeah.
361
00:14:49,530 --> 00:14:51,030
Is that the one
with the craggy face,
362
00:14:51,130 --> 00:14:52,929
uh, looks like granite?
363
00:14:52,930 --> 00:14:55,628
No. No-no,
that's, uh, Bizarro Superman.
364
00:14:55,629 --> 00:14:59,029
Oh, wait, which one
was weakened by red Kryptonite?
365
00:14:59,129 --> 00:15:00,628
Blue Superman.
366
00:15:00,629 --> 00:15:03,128
I thought he was black
and he wore the big hats.
367
00:15:03,228 --> 00:15:04,628
No, that's Super Fly.
368
00:15:09,827 --> 00:15:11,327
Woody, come over here, man.
369
00:15:11,427 --> 00:15:13,826
I want you to run a note up
to Valerie for me.
370
00:15:13,926 --> 00:15:15,125
"I'm sorry for everything.
371
00:15:15,126 --> 00:15:17,325
"Would you please go away
with me this weekend?
372
00:15:17,326 --> 00:15:18,925
I can't stop thinking
of you. Sam."
373
00:15:18,926 --> 00:15:20,224
Take it upstairs.
374
00:15:20,225 --> 00:15:22,345
Just make sure her father
doesn't get this, all right?
375
00:15:22,425 --> 00:15:24,225
No sweat, Sam.
376
00:15:24,325 --> 00:15:25,524
You know, back in Hanover,
377
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:27,524
I was the official town
go-between.
378
00:15:27,624 --> 00:15:30,923
Anytime anybody needed
a love note delivered,
379
00:15:30,924 --> 00:15:32,522
they'd call on Woody Boyd.
380
00:15:32,523 --> 00:15:35,423
It got to where all I had
to do was knock on a door,
381
00:15:35,523 --> 00:15:37,623
my butt was filled
with birdshot.
382
00:15:39,222 --> 00:15:41,422
All right, I got the ball.
383
00:15:41,522 --> 00:15:43,221
All right. Foos 'em if
you got 'em, come on.
384
00:15:43,222 --> 00:15:44,421
Let's go! Fools!
385
00:15:44,521 --> 00:15:45,721
Nonbelievers!
386
00:15:45,821 --> 00:15:48,220
Can't you see what this evil
machine has done?
387
00:15:48,221 --> 00:15:49,721
Look, you're trapped!
388
00:15:49,821 --> 00:15:52,320
You're spending every minute
of every day in this bar.
389
00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:54,620
We always do that.
390
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,919
Yeah, but now you're doing it
standing up.
391
00:15:59,019 --> 00:15:59,819
Ooh,
392
00:15:59,919 --> 00:16:01,819
that is kind of eerie.
393
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:03,618
Oh, Carla!
394
00:16:03,718 --> 00:16:06,618
This machine does not
have a demonic capacity!
395
00:16:06,718 --> 00:16:08,217
Even if it did,
what could it do to you?
396
00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:09,417
It's got a tiny little ball.
397
00:16:09,517 --> 00:16:11,217
It's got these-these
little plastic men.
398
00:16:11,317 --> 00:16:13,916
Or do you suppose that if
you, you stick your hand here
399
00:16:13,917 --> 00:16:15,716
into the goal,
it'll bite it off? Ow!
400
00:16:17,716 --> 00:16:19,715
See?
401
00:16:19,716 --> 00:16:22,315
I'm just playing
on your superstitions.
402
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:25,315
Hey. Hey, my hand's caught.
403
00:16:26,615 --> 00:16:27,814
No, no, it's really caught.
404
00:16:27,914 --> 00:16:30,014
I know, that's why
we're laughing.
405
00:16:32,814 --> 00:16:34,912
Oh, good, Woody, did you
deliver the note there?
406
00:16:34,913 --> 00:16:37,313
Uh, yeah. Well, I-I couldn't
find Miss Hill,
407
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,412
so I waited around
a while and ended up
408
00:16:39,512 --> 00:16:40,912
leaving it with Reuben,
the busboy.
409
00:16:41,012 --> 00:16:42,412
Oh, good, thanks, man.
410
00:16:42,512 --> 00:16:44,711
Yeah, he's-he's really looking
forward to the weekend.
411
00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:46,411
He wants to know
what he should wear.
412
00:16:49,311 --> 00:16:51,011
Woody, Woody, didn't
you tell Reuben
413
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,510
that the note was for Valerie?
414
00:16:52,610 --> 00:16:54,510
Oh, Sam,
I didn't have the heart.
415
00:16:54,610 --> 00:16:55,810
He was so happy.
416
00:16:55,910 --> 00:16:57,509
He was walking on air.
417
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:02,209
Sam, this isn't fair.
418
00:17:02,309 --> 00:17:04,308
It's one thing
to string me along,
419
00:17:04,408 --> 00:17:07,508
but our busboy, Reuben,
is in a very vulnerable state.
420
00:17:08,908 --> 00:17:10,707
He just split up
with the pastry chef.
421
00:17:10,807 --> 00:17:12,207
No, Valerie! Wait!
422
00:17:12,307 --> 00:17:13,407
Val, wait!
423
00:17:13,507 --> 00:17:14,583
That note wasn't for Reuben.
424
00:17:14,607 --> 00:17:15,707
That note was for you.
425
00:17:15,806 --> 00:17:17,406
I don't understand.
426
00:17:17,506 --> 00:17:18,806
You just brushed me off.
427
00:17:18,906 --> 00:17:19,906
Oh, no, no, that was...
428
00:17:19,907 --> 00:17:21,606
I just had a problem
with the kegs there.
429
00:17:21,706 --> 00:17:23,205
Did that seem like
a brush-off to you?
430
00:17:23,305 --> 00:17:25,205
I'm sorry. See, I wouldn't know.
431
00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:26,745
I've never brushed
anyone off before.
432
00:17:30,804 --> 00:17:33,103
Listen, I-I really
like you a lot,
433
00:17:33,104 --> 00:17:34,503
and I'd like to see you again.
434
00:17:34,603 --> 00:17:36,779
You know, maybe we could go up
to the Cape for a weekend.
435
00:17:36,803 --> 00:17:38,902
What do you say? I hear it's
really nice up there.
436
00:17:38,903 --> 00:17:40,902
I wouldn't know.
I've never been there myself.
437
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:49,801
What do you say?
438
00:17:49,901 --> 00:17:51,201
Gee, it sounds like fun.
439
00:17:51,301 --> 00:17:52,900
Good. All right, uh,
just make sure
440
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,199
you don't tell
your father, all right?
441
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,699
Good idea.
442
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,200
You know, you may
not believe this,
443
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:59,599
but I get the feeling he'd
rather I didn't see you.
444
00:17:59,699 --> 00:18:01,475
Oh, well, that's not the
problem, really. It's just that
445
00:18:01,499 --> 00:18:03,339
I don't like to do my
romantic stuff in public.
446
00:18:07,998 --> 00:18:09,598
I don't know,
you seemed so forward.
447
00:18:09,698 --> 00:18:11,473
You had me sitting
on your lap and everything.
448
00:18:11,497 --> 00:18:13,697
I'm sorry.
Did that seem forward?
449
00:18:13,797 --> 00:18:16,117
I wouldn't know. I've never done
anything like that before.
450
00:18:22,496 --> 00:18:24,795
What's wrong with them?
451
00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:28,095
Oh, uh, well,
the blonde has bad sinuses.
452
00:18:28,195 --> 00:18:30,094
The rest of them
just have bad attitudes!
453
00:18:38,293 --> 00:18:40,193
I feel so stupid.
454
00:18:41,992 --> 00:18:44,892
I can't believe my hand
is stuck in this stupid hole.
455
00:18:44,992 --> 00:18:47,191
Breathe easy, Doc.
456
00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:48,791
I brought an expert to help you.
457
00:18:48,891 --> 00:18:49,891
Great!
458
00:18:52,691 --> 00:18:54,590
Okay, Father.
459
00:18:54,690 --> 00:18:56,390
Get out your holy water
460
00:18:56,490 --> 00:18:59,390
and cast Satan from that
foosball machine.
461
00:18:59,490 --> 00:19:02,088
Carla, I didn't come
to perform an exorcism.
462
00:19:02,089 --> 00:19:04,488
I came because you told me
that-that you had a friend
463
00:19:04,489 --> 00:19:06,188
who was thinking of converting.
464
00:19:06,288 --> 00:19:07,588
Oh, he will, Father.
465
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,588
Go with me on this one, Fras.
466
00:19:10,888 --> 00:19:12,787
But first, you have to exorcise
467
00:19:12,887 --> 00:19:13,987
this foosball table.
468
00:19:14,087 --> 00:19:15,887
Carla, it may surprise
you to learn
469
00:19:15,987 --> 00:19:19,086
that since Vatican Two,
the church does not accept
470
00:19:19,186 --> 00:19:21,785
the existence of
Satanically-possessed
471
00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:23,686
amusement machines.
472
00:19:25,385 --> 00:19:27,685
First you dump Latin,
and now this.
473
00:19:27,785 --> 00:19:30,085
What do we pay you
guys for, anyway?
474
00:19:30,185 --> 00:19:31,383
Well, I know
475
00:19:31,384 --> 00:19:32,783
exactly what to do.
476
00:19:32,784 --> 00:19:35,084
You relax and put
your faith in me.
477
00:19:35,184 --> 00:19:36,682
You do trust me, don't you?
478
00:19:36,683 --> 00:19:37,483
Absolutely, Father.
479
00:19:37,583 --> 00:19:38,683
Good!
480
00:19:42,582 --> 00:19:44,982
My thumb!
481
00:19:45,082 --> 00:19:48,981
Offer the pain up to God
for the poor souls, my son.
482
00:19:49,081 --> 00:19:51,280
What?!
483
00:19:51,281 --> 00:19:53,281
I think you just
lost one, Father.
484
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,680
Boy, it was hard
sneaking out of there,
485
00:19:56,780 --> 00:19:58,780
but I don't think he saw me.
486
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,479
Good. So you're sure, now,
your father doesn't know?
487
00:20:01,579 --> 00:20:02,779
Oh, Dad stepped out.
488
00:20:02,879 --> 00:20:04,179
I meant Reuben the busboy.
489
00:20:04,279 --> 00:20:05,679
He's still in tears.
490
00:20:07,478 --> 00:20:09,178
You know, I really
feel bad about that.
491
00:20:09,278 --> 00:20:10,554
Maybe I should
send him something.
492
00:20:10,578 --> 00:20:13,776
Why don't we just get up
to the car here, all right?
493
00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:16,177
Sam, I'd like to freshen
up before we leave.
494
00:20:16,277 --> 00:20:18,477
Oh, well, all right.
I'll meet you up at the car.
495
00:20:18,577 --> 00:20:19,876
Uh, Sam. Yeah?
496
00:20:19,976 --> 00:20:22,176
I like the way
your hair smells, too.
497
00:20:22,276 --> 00:20:23,676
Oh, thank you.
498
00:20:25,575 --> 00:20:28,474
She's really nice,
isn't she, Woody?
499
00:20:28,475 --> 00:20:31,873
Oh, she's really nice.
500
00:20:31,874 --> 00:20:34,074
And sweet and warm
and wonderful.
501
00:20:34,174 --> 00:20:35,374
Yeah? Yeah.
502
00:20:35,474 --> 00:20:36,573
Back in Hanover,
503
00:20:36,574 --> 00:20:38,373
me and my brother
used to have a name
504
00:20:38,473 --> 00:20:40,173
for a girl like that.
Yeah, what's that?
505
00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:41,673
Mom.
506
00:20:44,472 --> 00:20:46,071
By the way, Sam,
if I ever catch you
507
00:20:46,072 --> 00:20:47,712
anywhere near my mother,
you'd better pray
508
00:20:47,772 --> 00:20:49,671
that God takes you before I do.
509
00:20:51,571 --> 00:20:53,270
Oh, Sam.
510
00:20:53,271 --> 00:20:55,171
I've written up
a new agreement stating
511
00:20:55,271 --> 00:20:57,670
that since you've agreed
to never see my daughter again,
512
00:20:57,770 --> 00:21:00,569
you now have full use
of the poolroom...
513
00:21:00,570 --> 00:21:02,068
That's funny,
that looks just like
514
00:21:02,069 --> 00:21:03,269
my daughter's suitcase.
515
00:21:03,369 --> 00:21:04,569
No, that's mine.
516
00:21:04,669 --> 00:21:06,168
You know what they say
at the airport:
517
00:21:06,169 --> 00:21:08,268
"Many bags do look alike."
518
00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:10,768
Isn't that her monogram: V.H.?
519
00:21:10,868 --> 00:21:14,067
Uh, actually I think it used
to belong to Van Halen.
520
00:21:17,367 --> 00:21:19,967
Sam, indulge me.
521
00:21:20,067 --> 00:21:22,066
You're telling me
this is your suitcase,
522
00:21:22,166 --> 00:21:25,265
so by extension,
would this be your negligee?
523
00:21:25,266 --> 00:21:26,964
All right, the secret's out.
524
00:21:26,965 --> 00:21:29,764
I'm a transvestite, John.
525
00:21:29,765 --> 00:21:31,565
And a size seven?
526
00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,364
A guy can dream, can't he?
527
00:21:35,364 --> 00:21:37,764
Sam, you are not a transvestite.
528
00:21:37,864 --> 00:21:39,963
Hey, hey, those are
fighting words there...
529
00:21:40,063 --> 00:21:41,063
Daddy?
530
00:21:41,064 --> 00:21:42,962
Daddy, you may as well
know the truth.
531
00:21:42,963 --> 00:21:46,562
I'm going away with Sam
to the Cape for the weekend.
532
00:21:46,662 --> 00:21:49,062
I see.
533
00:21:49,162 --> 00:21:51,161
Well, since there's
nothing I can do about it,
534
00:21:51,261 --> 00:21:52,660
I'll give you my blessing.
535
00:21:52,661 --> 00:21:54,761
Really?
536
00:21:54,861 --> 00:21:56,060
Darling, I have
complete faith in you.
537
00:21:56,061 --> 00:21:58,859
If this is the man you want,
that's good enough for me.
538
00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:00,360
Wait, all right, wait.
539
00:22:00,460 --> 00:22:02,059
I see what you're doing here.
540
00:22:02,060 --> 00:22:04,558
Yeah, y-you think... you think
that I just wanted to go out
541
00:22:04,559 --> 00:22:06,535
with your daughter 'cause
you said that I couldn't.
542
00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:07,858
And now that you say it's okay,
543
00:22:07,859 --> 00:22:09,219
you're hoping that
I won't want to.
544
00:22:09,258 --> 00:22:11,357
Well, that won't work,
because I really like her.
545
00:22:11,358 --> 00:22:12,658
So forget it. Come on, Valerie.
546
00:22:12,758 --> 00:22:13,658
Let's go.
547
00:22:13,758 --> 00:22:15,157
Gee, I don't know, Sam.
548
00:22:15,257 --> 00:22:16,257
Why? What?
549
00:22:16,357 --> 00:22:19,657
Well, it seemed really exciting
550
00:22:19,757 --> 00:22:22,155
when Daddy didn't
want me to date you.
551
00:22:22,156 --> 00:22:24,656
But now, I don't know.
552
00:22:24,756 --> 00:22:27,355
It just seems like I'd be
dating some greasy bartender.
553
00:22:29,355 --> 00:22:30,255
Excuse me?
554
00:22:30,355 --> 00:22:31,654
Well...
555
00:22:31,655 --> 00:22:33,355
Really, you're not
exactly my type.
556
00:22:33,454 --> 00:22:35,453
Oh, hey, don't you see
what he's doing?
557
00:22:35,454 --> 00:22:36,554
Please, Sam.
558
00:22:36,654 --> 00:22:38,754
Let's not prolong this.
559
00:22:38,854 --> 00:22:41,353
The smell of your hair
is making me queasy.
560
00:22:43,353 --> 00:22:44,652
Well, Sam,
561
00:22:44,653 --> 00:22:46,151
since you've broken
the agreement,
562
00:22:46,152 --> 00:22:47,852
it seems that once again I have
563
00:22:47,952 --> 00:22:50,052
legal title to your poolroom
564
00:22:50,152 --> 00:22:51,850
and your bathrooms.
565
00:22:51,851 --> 00:22:54,050
I'll be expecting the rent
566
00:22:54,051 --> 00:22:55,750
promptly at the first
of every month.
567
00:22:55,751 --> 00:22:57,251
Oh, by the way,
568
00:22:57,351 --> 00:22:59,349
I'm doubling the amount.
569
00:22:59,350 --> 00:23:01,150
Have a good evening.
570
00:23:01,250 --> 00:23:03,250
Oh, he's so bad!
571
00:23:03,350 --> 00:23:05,049
I hate him!
572
00:23:05,149 --> 00:23:06,249
I hate his whole family!
573
00:23:06,349 --> 00:23:07,748
I hate everybody
he's ever talked to!
574
00:23:07,749 --> 00:23:10,069
Well, you know, I may not be
able to take his daughter out,
575
00:23:10,148 --> 00:23:11,948
and I may have to pay him
his stupid rent,
576
00:23:12,048 --> 00:23:13,847
but I can still
hit him where it hurts.
577
00:23:13,848 --> 00:23:15,047
Yeah, you know something?
578
00:23:15,048 --> 00:23:16,623
This is the busiest time
in his restaurant, right?
579
00:23:16,647 --> 00:23:17,547
Watch this.
580
00:23:17,647 --> 00:23:19,147
Hey, Reuben, get your coat!
581
00:23:19,247 --> 00:23:21,147
We're going dancing!