1 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:19,287 20 million years ago, an ape-like creature inhabited the Earth. 2 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:45,938 And the ape stood, and became man. 3 00:02:09,632 --> 00:02:13,032 [Our Forefathers] 4 00:02:36,532 --> 00:02:40,732 History Of The World - Part I 5 00:02:49,432 --> 00:02:52,332 [The Stone Age] 6 00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:59,637 The greatest calamity that could befall early man was the loss of fire. 7 00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:03,432 Fire, the mysterious phenomenon that cooked his food, 8 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,769 heated his cave, and kept him alive. 9 00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:11,732 If he could not start a fire, he and his would surely die. 10 00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:38,551 Even in most primitive man, the need to create was part of his nature. 11 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:44,140 This need, this talent, clearly separated early man from animals 12 00:03:44,308 --> 00:03:46,976 who would never know this gift. 13 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:54,233 And here, in a cave somewhere in the North American continent, 14 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,736 about two million years ago, 15 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,155 the first artist was born. 16 00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:20,176 And, of course, with the birth of the artist, 17 00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:23,554 came the inevitable afterbirth. 18 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:26,432 The critic. 19 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,910 In the year one million BC, 20 00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:50,873 it is thought the first Homo sapien marriage occurred. 21 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:04,303 It was shortly followed by the first homosexual marriage. 22 00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:13,938 One of the first weapons man invented was... the spear. 23 00:05:55,313 --> 00:06:00,359 In ancient times, man was ignorant as to the cause and nature of death. 24 00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:05,072 So death was greeted with a certain degree of awe. 25 00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:14,165 But because man did not have the time for complicated rituals, 26 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:18,085 funeral services were often brief. 27 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:31,974 Even in early man, the need to laugh was vital for emotional survival. 28 00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:09,345 Music began long before it was formalized into notes and phrases. 29 00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:13,099 For mankind, it began with an accident. 30 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,518 Gunga heard the sound and liked it. 31 00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:19,855 Gunga begged Gowie to repeat the beautiful scream, but Gowie could not. 32 00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:25,361 So Gunga thought and thought, and finally he found the answer. 33 00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:50,469 And so, music was born. 34 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:54,056 Hallelujah! Hallelujah! 35 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:55,975 Hallelujah! Hallelujah! 36 00:07:56,143 --> 00:08:01,647 Hallelujah! 37 00:08:05,587 --> 00:08:06,787 [The Old Testament] 38 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:11,532 Moses went to the mountain, and God spoke unto him. 39 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:16,787 Moses, this is the Lord, thy God, 40 00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:21,750 commanding you to obey my law. Do you hear me? 41 00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:26,463 Yes, I hear you. I hear you. A deaf man could hear you. 42 00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,466 - What? - Nothing. Gornisht. Forget it. 43 00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:34,471 O Lord, why have you chosen me? What would you have me do for you? 44 00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:40,269 I shall give you my laws, and you shall take them unto the people. 45 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,687 Yes, Lord. 46 00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:45,733 Wow. 47 00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:55,951 Lord, I shall give these laws unto thy people. 48 00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:59,246 Hear me, O hear me! 49 00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:01,207 All pay heed. 50 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:06,837 The Lord, the Lord Jehovah, has given unto you these fifteen... 51 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:14,887 Ten! Ten commandments, for all to obey. 52 00:09:16,703 --> 00:09:20,103 [The Roman Empire] 53 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:25,898 Rome! Vortex of modern civilization. 54 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:29,026 Rome! Fountainhead of culture. 55 00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:34,406 Rome! Blazing pronouncement of mankind's most glorious achievements. 56 00:09:35,296 --> 00:09:38,296 V and X Cent Store (5¢!) (No number that would be written VX in Roman numerals) 57 00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:42,081 All right, now. Columns! Columns! 58 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:45,125 Columns! Columns! Get your columns here. 59 00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:47,836 Ionic, Doric, Corinthian. 60 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:52,091 Put a few columns out in front, turn any hovel into a showplace. 61 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:55,177 Columns! Sir, don't touch the merchandise. 62 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,179 All right, now. Columns! Columns! 63 00:09:57,347 --> 00:10:00,182 Haircut, shave, shampoo, bloodletting? 64 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,269 Sooth! Soothsaying! Get your soothsay right here. 65 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,271 I can tell the future. 66 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:08,399 You, sir! For a wee fee of two drachmas, 67 00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:12,069 I can tell you your future. 68 00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:15,531 Yes, yes, I see... I see... 69 00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:19,368 I see that you are going on a long journey. 70 00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:20,869 Yes. 71 00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:23,580 You, sir, are going to Rome. 72 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:27,167 - But I am in Rome. - Do I lie? 73 00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:32,298 Sooth, sooth! We give great sooth! 74 00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,467 Chariots! Used chariots! 75 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,511 Low mileage. They're great. 76 00:10:40,189 --> 00:10:45,692 Temple of Eros Annual Orgy and Buffet First Served, First Come 77 00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:59,908 I'm very excited about it. It's a new concept. It's called a centerfold. 78 00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:03,329 Plumbing! Plumbing! 79 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:08,542 Plumbing here, plumbing. Yes, citizens, plumbing. 80 00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:11,253 It's the latest invention to hit Rome. 81 00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:14,757 It moves water from one place to another. 82 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:17,760 It's astounding. It's amazing. 83 00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:20,054 Get on the bandwagon. 84 00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:23,098 Pipe the shit right out of your house. 85 00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:25,142 Plumbing! Plumbing here. 86 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:28,020 [Unemployment Insurance] Plumbing! Brand new invention! 87 00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:38,489 - Occupation? - Gladiator. 88 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,034 - Did you kill last week? - No. 89 00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:45,996 - Did you try to kill last week? - Yeah. 90 00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,374 This is your last week on insurance. 91 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,960 Either you kill next week, or we have to change your status. You got it? 92 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:54,129 - Yes. - OK. Sign here. 93 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,304 Next. Occupation? 94 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,349 - Stand-up philosopher. - What? 95 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,559 Stand-up philosopher. 96 00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:14,149 I coalesce the vapor of human experience into a viable and logical comprehension. 97 00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:17,277 Oh. A bullshit artist. 98 00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:21,281 Did you bullshit last week? 99 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:22,991 No. 100 00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:26,078 Did you try to bullshit last week? 101 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,663 Yes. 102 00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:30,290 Comicus! Comicus, Comicus! 103 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:36,338 - Back in the line. Back in the line. - He's not in line. He's my agent, Swiftus. 104 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,966 Good news. I just got you a job. 105 00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:42,845 - Now you're working, you won't need this. - Wait a minute! That money is mine. 106 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:45,681 I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break. 107 00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:53,272 Dopus! I only had the money in my hand. 108 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,691 Oh, I like that. I like that. 109 00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:58,986 I go and bust my anus to get you a job and you're angry with me? 110 00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:03,115 Boy, you are nuts. N-V-T-S, nuts. 111 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:06,702 - OK, OK. What kind of a job is it? - Just the best gig in all Rome. 112 00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:10,998 A date every stand-up philosopher, including Socrates, would die for. 113 00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:16,128 Believe it or not, you are gonna play Caesar's palace. 114 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,922 - The main room? - The main room! 115 00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:21,216 Groovus! 116 00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:24,720 - Come on, the show starts in an hour. - The main room! 117 00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:26,221 The main room! 118 00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:27,556 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10... 119 00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:28,765 20, 20, 20, 20... 120 00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:29,975 30, 30, 30, 30, 30... 121 00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,144 40, 40, 40, 40, 40... Do I hear 50? 122 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:36,315 - 50! - 50! Sold to the Venetian for 50 Libra. 123 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,817 - Oh, no. No! No! - Come here, you. 124 00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:41,111 The slave auction is over. 125 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:45,449 All right, take these rejects over to the Colosseum, sell 'em for lion bait. 126 00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:49,119 - No! - Wait a minute! Wait! Wait a minute. 127 00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:52,039 What is this with lions? I can't go to the lions. 128 00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:54,208 I cannot go to the lions. 129 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:57,920 Oh, no. 'Cause I happen to know that the lions only eat Christians. 130 00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:01,256 Christians. And I am a Jew. 131 00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:04,551 Jewish person. Yes. I can prove it. Watch this. Look out. 132 00:14:05,009 --> 00:14:08,599 (Hava Nagila - Israeli folk song) 133 00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:12,017 Everybody! 134 00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:19,733 - No! Hold it. - Listen, I'm Jewish, I'm telling you. 135 00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:23,612 Call the temple. Call the rabbi. Call Sammus Davis Jr. 136 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:27,658 Call Sammus. He'll vouch for me. He and I are tight. He knows... 137 00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:30,285 Jewish, huh? 138 00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:35,123 He missed. I jumped, and he missed. It was his first day on the job, he was very nervous. 139 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:39,962 Look, I got an appointment for Thursday. 11 o'clock, I go in, they give me a local, boom! I'm back. 140 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:42,058 - Get him out of here. - Wait a minute! Wait! 141 00:14:42,060 --> 00:14:44,663 You couldn't walk, just now. You could make a lot of money with me. 142 00:14:44,665 --> 00:14:46,426 Wait a minute, wait a minute. Money? 143 00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:48,512 Come here. 144 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:52,474 - How? - I'm entertaining. I got special talents. 145 00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:55,769 I'll show you. Look out. Sand. I gotta have a little sand. 146 00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:58,021 - What? - Sand. You're standing on it. 147 00:14:58,189 --> 00:15:01,650 Sand. Give him the sand. What the hell's the matter with you? 148 00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:04,319 - Here. - Thank you. 149 00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:05,612 Yes. 150 00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:11,285 A little sand on the stage for the native shim-sham sand dance. 151 00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,662 Look out. I'm gonna start. 152 00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:28,677 Born to do it. 153 00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:33,932 Hey, what country are you from? 154 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,184 Ethiopia. 155 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:38,395 What part? 156 00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,440 1 25th Street. 157 00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:45,027 I'm gonna sign him up. 158 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,030 The big turn. 159 00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:52,868 And that's the Ethiopian shim-sham. 160 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:55,329 He's good. He's great. 161 00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:58,874 What's wrong with you? He's good. That guy is good. 162 00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,835 Hey, that kid is wonderful... 163 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,546 Holy shit! 164 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,882 Come on, lazy horse. get up. You're costing me good money. 165 00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:14,222 Please, stop it! Can't you see the poor thing's in pain? 166 00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,850 Outta the way, or you'll get the same. 167 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,310 No, you mustn't... 168 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:21,438 Hey, hey, hey! What, are you crazy? 169 00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:27,903 Oh! Whoa. 170 00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:33,325 - Give it a little shot. Thanks. - Oh, thank you. 171 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:37,412 He was beating that poor exhausted horse. 172 00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:38,914 Oh, gee. 173 00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:43,043 Oh, he's not exhausted. Here's the problem. 174 00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:45,837 See? 175 00:16:46,381 --> 00:16:50,092 Come on, boy. You can get up. Come on, fella. 176 00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:02,437 Wait a minute. I know this horse. 177 00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:05,982 He used to be the fastest horse in chariot races in the Circus Maximus. 178 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:09,069 His name is Miracle. 179 00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:12,572 Miracle? Oh, what a beautiful name. 180 00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:14,866 What's yours? 181 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:17,285 Miracle...Oh, Comicus. 182 00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:22,499 - I'm a stand-up philosopher. - Oh. I'm Miriam. I'm a vestal virgin. 183 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,002 I'm really sorry to hear that. 184 00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:28,922 - I work at the palace. - We're gonna be there. 185 00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,924 - Really? - Look out! 186 00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:33,093 Whack! 187 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,221 Wow. 188 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,807 Put it there, pal. Man, you saved my life. 189 00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:41,518 I'm Comicus, stand-up philosopher. Who are you? 190 00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,563 I'm Josephus. I'm the main course at the Colosseum. 191 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:49,359 The main course... Say hello to some friends of mine. This is my agent, Swiftus Lazarus. 192 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:53,363 - You're good, man. - And this is Miriam. She's a vestal virgin. 193 00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:55,323 - Hi. - Hi. 194 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:58,160 - Seize him! - Oh, seize this, honkus. 195 00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,579 No, don't ever say that to the cops! 196 00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:05,876 Seize him! Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen? 197 00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:10,172 - I do! - OK. You. You had your hand up first. 198 00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:13,175 - Death by torture. - No. You? 199 00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:16,178 - Crucifixion. - Wrong. You? 200 00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:19,806 They shove a living snake up your ass. 201 00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:22,225 No, but that's very creative. 202 00:18:22,393 --> 00:18:25,187 - You? - They send you to the lions. 203 00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:27,189 - Right. - No! 204 00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,025 What do you mean, no? He was right. They send you to the lions. 205 00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:37,199 The empress! It's the empress! 206 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:40,368 Move that miserable piece of shit! 207 00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:58,094 Halt! 208 00:18:58,262 --> 00:18:59,554 Stop. 209 00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:06,478 Could you please step on the same foot at the same time? 210 00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:09,689 My tits are falling off. 211 00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:12,692 - Empress Nympho! Empress Nympho! - Miriam? 212 00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:13,944 What are you doing here? 213 00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:17,614 You're a vestal virgin. You know that these are not allowed outside the palace without an escort. 214 00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:21,243 Empress, this man saved our lives. Now they want to kill him. 215 00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:24,830 - We need your help. - The white guy or the colored guy? 216 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:26,790 The color... The slave. 217 00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:30,085 Please, spare his life. I beg you. 218 00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:33,880 Perhaps you can use him at the palace. He's truly gifted. 219 00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,132 Gifted? 220 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:39,094 - Bob? - Yes, Your Highness? 221 00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:44,266 Oh, Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit? 222 00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:52,107 - Well, we could use another wine steward. - I got a great corkscrew. 223 00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:55,694 - This is a hip crowd. - Oh, I'll say. 224 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:58,989 All right. Well, schlep him along. 225 00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:02,450 For the time being, we will use him as a litter bearer. 226 00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:05,787 Oh, thank you, Your Highness. Oh, good! 227 00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,998 Good work, good work. 228 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:12,043 Litter bearers, prepare to move. 229 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,380 Litter bearers, harch! 230 00:20:18,962 --> 00:20:21,162 [Caution] [We Brake for Wild Boars] 231 00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:23,471 - See you at the palace. - Bye. 232 00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:25,181 Goodbye. 233 00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:27,058 - Bye. - Bye. 234 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:30,395 - Hey, come on. We gotta go. - We really have to go. See you later. 235 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,022 - Bye. - Bye-bye. 236 00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:35,924 [Caesar Palace - Luxury Hotel in Las Vegas!] 237 00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:01,885 All hail Caesar, emperor of Rome, 238 00:21:02,053 --> 00:21:05,931 monarch of the Roman Empire, ruler of the world. 239 00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:10,060 Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar! 240 00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:14,230 Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar! 241 00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:55,397 All hail the commander of His Majesty's Roman legions, 242 00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:59,401 the brave and noble Marcus Vindictus, 243 00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:05,824 who returns to Rome after winning a great victory over the Cretins at Sparta. 244 00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:10,328 Make that the Spartans at Crete. 245 00:22:15,084 --> 00:22:18,920 Remember, thou art mortal. Remember, thou art mortal. 246 00:22:19,088 --> 00:22:23,174 Remember, thou art mortal. Remember, thou art mortal. 247 00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:25,301 Oh, blow it out your ass. 248 00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:27,846 O Caesar. 249 00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:32,934 I have brought your name before the four corners of the Earth. 250 00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:37,105 I have subdued and conquered the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome. 251 00:22:37,273 --> 00:22:39,357 I've penetrated into the farthest... 252 00:22:39,525 --> 00:22:41,776 What's under the sheet? 253 00:22:41,944 --> 00:22:42,944 - Sheet? - Sheet! 254 00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:45,030 Sheet? Oh! Oh, the sheet. Yes. 255 00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,282 To begin with, number one, 256 00:22:47,450 --> 00:22:52,120 a beautiful hand-carved alabaster bathing vessel. 257 00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:56,374 Nice. Nice. 258 00:22:56,542 --> 00:22:58,877 Not thrilling, but nice. 259 00:23:00,004 --> 00:23:05,884 Aha! But to fill the tub, behind curtain number two, 260 00:23:06,052 --> 00:23:08,595 treasure from the Orient! 261 00:23:13,851 --> 00:23:16,144 Treasure. Bathtub. 262 00:23:17,146 --> 00:23:21,191 Treasure bath. I'm going to have a treasure bath! 263 00:23:21,358 --> 00:23:23,735 Treasure bath! 264 00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:26,196 Treasure bath! 265 00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:32,952 Do it! Do it to me! 266 00:23:40,002 --> 00:23:45,298 Oh, Nympho. I would do anything, anything, if you would only grant me your favors. 267 00:23:45,466 --> 00:23:48,343 How can I entice you? How can I ensnare you? 268 00:23:48,511 --> 00:23:51,179 What bait must I use to catch your love? 269 00:23:51,347 --> 00:23:53,389 I am your servant. 270 00:23:55,059 --> 00:23:59,480 But the servant waits while the master baits. (masturbate!) 271 00:23:59,481 --> 00:24:01,356 Yeah... 272 00:24:09,657 --> 00:24:11,825 Here, wash this. 273 00:24:12,701 --> 00:24:14,410 Yes, sire. 274 00:24:15,996 --> 00:24:19,582 The muse is upon me. 275 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,377 Thank you, Caesar. 276 00:24:22,545 --> 00:24:24,879 All be quiet. 277 00:24:25,047 --> 00:24:29,551 His divine immortality has consented to favor us with a new poem. 278 00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:31,678 Speak. 279 00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:34,973 O glorious Caesar. Speak. 280 00:24:35,141 --> 00:24:37,058 - You faggot. - Yes, sire. Thank you. 281 00:24:37,226 --> 00:24:40,520 - Bring me a small lyre. - A small lyre. Small lyre. 282 00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:42,981 I didn't do it. I wasn't even there. 283 00:24:43,149 --> 00:24:45,900 I was at a friend's house. Check's in the mail. 284 00:24:46,068 --> 00:24:49,028 Not that kind of liar. Take him back out! 285 00:24:49,196 --> 00:24:51,156 - What? - Take him out of here! 286 00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,408 Get him out. Take him out. 287 00:24:53,576 --> 00:24:56,035 Miriam, wine. 288 00:24:56,912 --> 00:24:58,955 Josephus, wine. 289 00:25:03,377 --> 00:25:05,253 Say when. 290 00:25:05,421 --> 00:25:07,505 8:30. 291 00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:15,180 It's so lonely at the top of Olympus. 292 00:25:16,932 --> 00:25:19,225 More women! More wine! 293 00:25:19,393 --> 00:25:21,436 More... 294 00:25:25,316 --> 00:25:27,901 OK, faggot. What's next? 295 00:25:28,485 --> 00:25:32,280 Comicus, the new stand-up philosopher from Vesuvius. 296 00:25:32,448 --> 00:25:35,575 Good. I like a mountain comic. 297 00:25:35,743 --> 00:25:38,369 Comicus, you're on. 298 00:25:47,296 --> 00:25:49,005 Good evening, ladies and emperors. 299 00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:54,135 I just got back from Venice, and boy, are my arms tired. 300 00:25:56,138 --> 00:25:58,973 Let me tell you about Venice. Venice is a very old city. very old. 301 00:25:59,141 --> 00:26:02,310 Wonderful city, ancient city. You can learn a lot in Venice. 302 00:26:02,478 --> 00:26:07,190 You want to know how to make a Venetian blind? Like this. 303 00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:14,906 Have you heard about this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot. 304 00:26:15,074 --> 00:26:17,492 First of all, they are so poor... 305 00:26:17,660 --> 00:26:20,411 - How poor are they? - Thank you. 306 00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:24,999 They are so poor that they have only one god. 307 00:26:30,339 --> 00:26:32,774 Romans are rich. We got a lot gods. We got a god for everything. 308 00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:36,277 Only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation. 309 00:26:36,345 --> 00:26:39,931 But I hear that that's coming quickly. 310 00:26:42,393 --> 00:26:44,519 The little fag gets it. 311 00:26:44,687 --> 00:26:45,853 Terrific, terrific. 312 00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:49,190 Hey, let's face it, let's face it. What's the rage today? 313 00:26:49,358 --> 00:26:52,485 Losing weight is all the rage. Everybody in Rome 314 00:26:52,653 --> 00:26:54,862 is either in a steam room or a vomitorium. 315 00:26:55,030 --> 00:26:58,616 I mean, half of Rome is either cooking or puking. 316 00:26:58,784 --> 00:27:00,743 "Cooking or puking"! 317 00:27:01,704 --> 00:27:06,165 But you can't blame these people. You can't blame people for wanting to be thin. 318 00:27:06,333 --> 00:27:09,627 Who wants to look like a big fat pig? 319 00:27:12,047 --> 00:27:14,048 Did he say "big fat pig"? 320 00:27:14,216 --> 00:27:16,592 - Yes, he did, sire. - Do you think he meant me? 321 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:18,803 - I believe he did, sire. - Oh! 322 00:27:19,805 --> 00:27:23,057 Get off the fat jokes! Get off fat! Get off fat! 323 00:27:23,225 --> 00:27:25,435 Fat, off... No... 324 00:27:26,937 --> 00:27:30,898 There's two Jews got off... No. Syrian... 325 00:27:32,735 --> 00:27:35,903 Politics, politics, politics, politics, politics. 326 00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:38,114 Yes. The Roman Senate. 327 00:27:38,282 --> 00:27:43,578 The Roman Senate is the best legislature that money can buy. 328 00:27:43,746 --> 00:27:47,215 Corruption starts in straits with the little peddlers. They bribe an assemblyman, 329 00:27:47,220 --> 00:27:49,667 the assemblyman bribes a councilman, councilman bribes a senator... 330 00:27:49,835 --> 00:27:53,421 and senator... It goes all the way up to the emperor! 331 00:27:54,256 --> 00:27:55,840 Shit! 332 00:27:58,761 --> 00:28:00,428 Kill him. 333 00:28:00,804 --> 00:28:04,057 Taxi? Hey, no autographs, no autographs. 334 00:28:04,224 --> 00:28:05,266 Seize him! 335 00:28:05,726 --> 00:28:06,934 Seize him! 336 00:28:08,103 --> 00:28:10,772 - More wine. - More wine, more wine. 337 00:28:12,566 --> 00:28:18,571 Boy. When you die at the palace, you really die at the palace. 338 00:28:23,994 --> 00:28:25,453 Whoops. 339 00:28:27,790 --> 00:28:29,916 Kill him. Kill him, too. 340 00:28:30,084 --> 00:28:32,126 Please, Empress. Save them. 341 00:28:38,050 --> 00:28:42,845 Wait. I've just had a wonderful idea. 342 00:28:43,013 --> 00:28:44,972 What was my idea? 343 00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:52,897 Oh, yes. Let these two fools fight each other to the death during dessert. 344 00:29:01,865 --> 00:29:04,242 We who are about to... 345 00:29:05,327 --> 00:29:07,662 die, salute you. 346 00:29:09,164 --> 00:29:10,873 Salute. 347 00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:15,837 Hey, all right, all right. I'm sorry. 348 00:29:16,004 --> 00:29:18,506 I'm sorry. Excuse me. 349 00:29:18,715 --> 00:29:20,716 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 350 00:29:23,178 --> 00:29:26,097 I never killed another human being in my life. 351 00:29:26,265 --> 00:29:29,684 But you gotta start sometime! 352 00:29:31,061 --> 00:29:32,645 Maniac. 353 00:29:32,813 --> 00:29:34,897 Wait... Watch it... Wait! 354 00:29:35,065 --> 00:29:37,525 - What? - Isn't that Lena Horne over there? 355 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:50,037 O Emperor, spare this poor man. He has fought so bravely for your amusement. 356 00:29:50,706 --> 00:29:53,249 Let him... 357 00:29:55,335 --> 00:29:57,336 die. 358 00:30:00,007 --> 00:30:01,850 Tough shit. 359 00:30:02,245 --> 00:30:03,896 Oh, please! 360 00:30:13,479 --> 00:30:16,772 I can't do it. Here, take the shield. Take the sword. 361 00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:19,317 - Come on, we'll fight our way out. - Guards! 362 00:30:19,485 --> 00:30:21,068 Destroy them. 363 00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:29,744 You're the first white person I even considered liking. 364 00:30:29,912 --> 00:30:30,912 Get outta here. 365 00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:39,837 Oh, the tide is turning. 366 00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:45,343 In the name of Caesar, halt! 367 00:30:45,511 --> 00:30:47,261 The rope. 368 00:30:50,933 --> 00:30:53,267 No! Goddammit, your hands are cold. 369 00:30:55,562 --> 00:31:00,107 Find them. Capture them. Kill them. 370 00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:04,695 - Wash this. - Oh, yes, sire. 371 00:31:10,577 --> 00:31:12,203 - Shh! - Oh, it's you. 372 00:31:13,121 --> 00:31:14,747 This way, men. 373 00:31:49,992 --> 00:31:52,660 All right, forget that shit. 374 00:31:52,828 --> 00:31:54,328 I almost fell. 375 00:31:56,039 --> 00:31:59,417 Virgins, fall out. 376 00:32:01,962 --> 00:32:03,421 Competence. 377 00:32:04,673 --> 00:32:07,008 O Competence, tell me. 378 00:32:07,175 --> 00:32:10,678 What will happen to those two rogues when they are caught? 379 00:32:10,846 --> 00:32:13,681 If they're captured, they're hung. 380 00:32:13,849 --> 00:32:16,434 Not necessarily. 381 00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:19,145 Whoo, girls. 382 00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:27,653 - Where are you leading me? - The reviewing stand. 383 00:32:27,821 --> 00:32:30,364 To choose your escorts for the midnight orgy. 384 00:32:30,532 --> 00:32:31,657 I had almost forgot. 385 00:32:33,452 --> 00:32:36,162 - Send them in. - Left flank, harch. 386 00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:42,418 Arms rest. 387 00:32:45,380 --> 00:32:47,548 A very nice selection. 388 00:32:48,925 --> 00:32:51,177 I'm gonna start on this end. 389 00:32:55,015 --> 00:32:58,976 Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no 390 00:32:59,144 --> 00:33:01,687 Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no 391 00:33:01,855 --> 00:33:03,731 Yes, no, no, yes 392 00:33:03,899 --> 00:33:07,318 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no 393 00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,945 Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no 394 00:33:10,113 --> 00:33:12,490 Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no 395 00:33:12,658 --> 00:33:15,242 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no 396 00:33:15,410 --> 00:33:16,869 No, no, no, no... 397 00:33:17,037 --> 00:33:18,412 Wait a minute... 398 00:33:19,164 --> 00:33:23,584 Yes! 399 00:33:23,752 --> 00:33:25,711 Oowee! 400 00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:30,591 - Very good. That'll be all. - Quick-time harch! 401 00:33:37,432 --> 00:33:39,809 I love quick-time harch. 402 00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:44,605 - Where are we? - Don't worry. 403 00:33:51,655 --> 00:33:53,406 Who's that? 404 00:33:56,952 --> 00:33:59,954 Quick, hide behind the drape. 405 00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:05,084 I liked your choices. You made some very big decisions. 406 00:34:05,252 --> 00:34:07,044 Thank you. 407 00:34:08,296 --> 00:34:10,715 Search the area. They can't have gotten far. 408 00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:12,091 Halt! 409 00:34:13,802 --> 00:34:18,013 All right, virgins. Put on your "No Entry" signs. 410 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:24,812 We are about to confront guys. 411 00:34:31,111 --> 00:34:35,823 How dare you? No man may search the empress' quarters. 412 00:34:35,991 --> 00:34:37,825 As you wish. 413 00:34:37,993 --> 00:34:40,119 - You're beautiful when you... - Shove it. 414 00:34:44,666 --> 00:34:46,500 Speak up, Mucus. 415 00:34:46,668 --> 00:34:48,377 Eunuch. 416 00:34:50,005 --> 00:34:51,422 - Ca-ca. - What? 417 00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:55,926 That slave over there. He looks rather puny. 418 00:34:57,679 --> 00:35:01,515 Is it not true when eunuchs are castrated, they become enormous? 419 00:35:02,184 --> 00:35:06,771 It's Josephus, your wine steward. Please help him. 420 00:35:10,025 --> 00:35:13,527 You have to give him some time. He has just been snipped. 421 00:35:16,114 --> 00:35:22,244 If he is truly a eunuch like the others, there would be no harm to take the test. 422 00:35:22,412 --> 00:35:24,497 - Test? - Test? 423 00:35:24,998 --> 00:35:26,415 Test? 424 00:35:30,545 --> 00:35:31,962 Test. 425 00:35:32,464 --> 00:35:35,883 Eunuchs, come down here. 426 00:35:36,885 --> 00:35:43,432 Let us have Caladonia do her highly erotic temple dance in praise of Eros. 427 00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:47,937 And if all these creatures are indeed eunuchs... 428 00:35:50,565 --> 00:35:55,236 then nothing should arise. Get it? 429 00:35:56,863 --> 00:35:59,406 Caladonia! Caladonia! 430 00:35:59,574 --> 00:36:02,209 Let's make their big heads so hard. (Caldonia song by Louis Jordan) 431 00:36:28,854 --> 00:36:31,605 - He is a eunuch. - Yeah. 432 00:36:43,618 --> 00:36:45,744 He is a eunuch. 433 00:36:59,801 --> 00:37:01,135 He's dead. 434 00:37:11,146 --> 00:37:12,646 He'll never survive. 435 00:37:26,328 --> 00:37:29,997 - The jig is up. - And gone. 436 00:37:30,332 --> 00:37:33,792 - After him! - Go on, men, get him. 437 00:37:35,003 --> 00:37:37,171 Quick. Back through the corridor. 438 00:37:37,339 --> 00:37:41,216 He's heading for the Senate. We can meet him near the cloak room. Come on. 439 00:37:49,370 --> 00:37:51,390 [Cloak Room] 440 00:38:00,070 --> 00:38:03,030 In factorum, quid pro quo. 441 00:38:03,198 --> 00:38:06,075 In pecunium, sic transit Gloria. 442 00:38:06,242 --> 00:38:08,494 I didn't know Gloria was sick. 443 00:38:09,037 --> 00:38:12,706 - Where is he? - Don't worry, he has to come this way. 444 00:38:12,874 --> 00:38:15,834 - He should be here by now. - Shh! The Senate is in session. 445 00:38:16,002 --> 00:38:17,044 Senate. 446 00:38:17,212 --> 00:38:20,631 O fellow members of the Roman Senate, hear me. 447 00:38:20,799 --> 00:38:24,677 Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? 448 00:38:24,844 --> 00:38:31,392 Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? 449 00:38:31,559 --> 00:38:33,185 How does the Senate vote? 450 00:38:34,688 --> 00:38:38,148 - Fuck the poor! - Good. 451 00:38:43,196 --> 00:38:44,238 Joe! 452 00:38:44,406 --> 00:38:47,282 The man was dead when I got there, I swear. 453 00:38:47,484 --> 00:38:49,901 What's the matter? Where've you been? Who was dead you talking about? 454 00:38:49,911 --> 00:38:52,079 Never mind. Look, how do we get out of here? 455 00:38:52,247 --> 00:38:54,039 - Here, hurry, put this on. - All right. 456 00:38:54,207 --> 00:38:58,961 OK. I'm gonna find Swiftus, then I'll meet you at the theater just across from the baths. 457 00:38:59,129 --> 00:39:01,380 - The theater just across from the baths. - Right. 458 00:39:01,548 --> 00:39:03,507 - Goodbye. - Goodbye. 459 00:39:03,675 --> 00:39:05,426 - Stop with the goodbyes. - OK. 460 00:39:05,593 --> 00:39:09,972 One more thing. Wait! If we do escape, will you come with us? 461 00:39:10,140 --> 00:39:12,307 - Of course. - Of course. 462 00:39:12,475 --> 00:39:17,938 Of course. Goodbye. Of course. Of course! She's coming with us... 463 00:39:18,106 --> 00:39:19,606 - Come on. - OK. 464 00:39:19,774 --> 00:39:22,443 Let's follow these senators. Put your hood up. 465 00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:25,821 Behind these guys. Here we go. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. 466 00:39:25,989 --> 00:39:28,198 Ah, bullshit, bullshit. 467 00:39:41,463 --> 00:39:44,381 Give to Oedipus. 468 00:39:45,508 --> 00:39:48,969 Give to Oedipus. 469 00:39:49,512 --> 00:39:53,307 - Hey, Josephus. - Hey, motherfucker. 470 00:40:04,980 --> 00:40:06,167 [The Trojan Horse Play] 471 00:40:19,167 --> 00:40:21,752 They should have been here over 30 grains ago. 472 00:40:24,380 --> 00:40:27,674 - What could be keeping them? - I don't know. 473 00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:31,470 There they are. Come on. 474 00:40:31,638 --> 00:40:35,182 Come on. Now, hurry. Walk this way. 475 00:40:46,361 --> 00:40:48,278 Hurry, get into these Trojan costumes. 476 00:40:51,616 --> 00:40:54,493 Che faccia da homma da left, Che faccia da homma da right. 477 00:40:54,661 --> 00:40:57,454 Che faccia da homma da, Che faccia da homma da, 478 00:40:57,622 --> 00:40:58,705 let's fight! 479 00:41:00,166 --> 00:41:02,543 Relax. Casual. Casual. 480 00:41:02,710 --> 00:41:07,339 No matter what happens, don't panic. Don't panic. 481 00:41:07,507 --> 00:41:11,051 Che faccia da homma da left, Che faccia da homma da right. 482 00:41:11,219 --> 00:41:13,887 - Che faccia da homma... - There they are! 483 00:41:14,055 --> 00:41:15,848 Panic! 484 00:41:17,684 --> 00:41:21,019 Che faccia da homma da left, Che faccia da homma da right... 485 00:41:24,899 --> 00:41:26,775 Captain Mucus, let's get after them. 486 00:41:26,943 --> 00:41:29,278 You take the left flank, I'll take the right flank. 487 00:41:30,405 --> 00:41:32,573 Don't you know left flank from right? 488 00:41:32,740 --> 00:41:35,951 - I'm sorry, sir. I flunked flank. - You flunked flank? 489 00:41:36,119 --> 00:41:38,912 Get the flunk out of here. Men! 490 00:41:43,918 --> 00:41:45,419 Here, this way. 491 00:41:45,783 --> 00:41:47,743 [Apothecary] 492 00:41:52,343 --> 00:41:55,179 - Chemist, can you help me? - What are you looking for? 493 00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:58,348 - A pack of Trojans. - Gee, I just ran out. 494 00:41:58,516 --> 00:42:00,434 Captain Mucus! 495 00:42:01,603 --> 00:42:05,606 - Captain Mucus! Have you found anything? - Nothing, Commander. Nothing. 496 00:42:05,773 --> 00:42:09,276 Search all the marketplaces, the square, the alleys. 497 00:42:09,444 --> 00:42:14,948 Half you men, search that area there. And the others will run with Mucus. 498 00:42:18,786 --> 00:42:20,871 We've gotta get out of Rome. 499 00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:23,790 But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers. 500 00:42:23,958 --> 00:42:25,250 See? 501 00:42:30,715 --> 00:42:35,135 We'll never get out of here. Only a miracle can save us. 502 00:42:37,180 --> 00:42:38,847 - Miracle! - Miracle! 503 00:42:39,015 --> 00:42:40,474 - Miracle! - Miracle! 504 00:42:42,143 --> 00:42:45,771 We've gotta get to that wagon. Wait here, I'll see if the coast is clear. 505 00:42:49,150 --> 00:42:51,401 Come on. Hurry. 506 00:43:00,495 --> 00:43:02,746 No, you don't. 507 00:43:06,834 --> 00:43:10,796 Oh, my God! I'm fighting with cardboard. 508 00:43:10,964 --> 00:43:13,632 - Goodbye, head. - Hello, balls. 509 00:43:18,263 --> 00:43:20,430 - Come on, run, Comicus. - Come on, hurry. 510 00:43:21,683 --> 00:43:25,602 - OK, hurry, take off. - Let's go, Miracle. 511 00:43:30,942 --> 00:43:33,860 What... Commander, where are they? 512 00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:38,532 Get the horses. Get the chariots. Get the men. 513 00:43:38,700 --> 00:43:40,117 Onward! 514 00:43:40,785 --> 00:43:42,786 Get me an ice pack. Hurry. 515 00:43:46,708 --> 00:43:49,334 - Where are you going? - I don't know. 516 00:43:59,554 --> 00:44:01,179 Here come the bad guys. 517 00:44:01,347 --> 00:44:04,891 Run, Miracle, hurry! They're gaining on us. 518 00:44:05,059 --> 00:44:08,520 - Hurry! - Come on, Miracle. Go, boy. 519 00:44:08,688 --> 00:44:10,814 Come on, men. We're gaining on them. 520 00:44:10,982 --> 00:44:12,899 They're gaining on us. 521 00:44:13,943 --> 00:44:15,193 Come on, Miracle. 522 00:44:16,404 --> 00:44:20,198 Go, boy, go! Stretch out those long white legs! 523 00:44:23,995 --> 00:44:27,539 We're pulling away. We're losing them. 524 00:44:27,874 --> 00:44:30,208 Run, run! 525 00:44:30,376 --> 00:44:32,544 Quickly, go to the left. 526 00:44:32,712 --> 00:44:35,714 Go to the right. Stop! 527 00:44:41,054 --> 00:44:43,347 I smell something familiar. 528 00:44:43,514 --> 00:44:47,059 Laz! Laz, I got an idea! Pull over. 529 00:44:47,226 --> 00:44:49,353 Pull over! 530 00:44:51,147 --> 00:44:53,273 - I knew I smelled something. - You crazy? 531 00:44:53,441 --> 00:44:57,444 Think I don't know what I'm talking about? The nose knows. 532 00:44:57,612 --> 00:44:59,446 What the heck is he... 533 00:44:59,614 --> 00:45:02,074 - What's he doing? - He's picking flowers. 534 00:45:02,241 --> 00:45:04,618 - Roman Red. - Roman Red? 535 00:45:04,786 --> 00:45:07,788 A whole field of wacky weedus. 536 00:45:07,955 --> 00:45:10,749 - He's picking those weeds. - Papyrus. 537 00:45:10,917 --> 00:45:12,959 Rolling papyrus. 538 00:45:13,836 --> 00:45:16,213 - Paper! Paper! - What kind of paper? Like this? 539 00:45:16,381 --> 00:45:18,131 That's good. 540 00:45:20,802 --> 00:45:23,553 - Easy, whitus. - These people don't know the value. 541 00:45:23,888 --> 00:45:26,390 Josephus, hurry. 542 00:45:36,150 --> 00:45:39,277 Hold this. Yes, indeed. 543 00:45:39,445 --> 00:45:42,531 - They'll be here any minute. - Not to worry. Not to worry. 544 00:45:42,698 --> 00:45:45,950 - We are now armed with mighty joint. - Mighty joint? 545 00:45:45,952 --> 00:45:48,995 - Pull out. - Let's go, Miracle. 546 00:45:49,163 --> 00:45:51,415 Hurry, we've got to catch them. 547 00:45:53,709 --> 00:45:54,960 Quickly, after them. 548 00:46:03,177 --> 00:46:04,261 Oh, mama! 549 00:46:04,887 --> 00:46:07,722 We've got to... We've got to... 550 00:46:07,890 --> 00:46:09,850 get moving. 551 00:46:10,893 --> 00:46:12,978 - It's working! - It's working! 552 00:46:14,188 --> 00:46:17,107 We gotta stay loose, you know? 553 00:46:17,275 --> 00:46:21,027 Let it cool. Let the coolness get into our vertebrae. 554 00:46:36,711 --> 00:46:38,712 You men go northward. 555 00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:43,675 You go southward. I'm gonna walk here, round in a circle. 556 00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:50,891 What are we gonna do? We're trapped. 557 00:46:53,728 --> 00:46:55,896 - Hey, who's that? - Look what he's done! 558 00:46:56,647 --> 00:46:57,814 Oh, my God. 559 00:47:02,069 --> 00:47:04,404 Oh, what a wonderful man. 560 00:47:05,573 --> 00:47:08,074 Let's go, Miracle. 561 00:47:22,340 --> 00:47:24,257 And keep 'em up. 562 00:47:28,429 --> 00:47:31,097 You son of a bitch! You bastard! 563 00:47:31,265 --> 00:47:34,434 An old man! They don't let you live! They don't let you breathe! 564 00:47:37,188 --> 00:47:40,065 You son of a bitch... 565 00:47:43,027 --> 00:47:46,071 - No, go this way. - Why? - It's a short cut. - To where? 566 00:47:46,239 --> 00:47:48,698 The port. There's a ship leaving for Judaea. 567 00:47:48,866 --> 00:47:50,784 - Judaea? - Judaea. 568 00:47:50,952 --> 00:47:52,452 Judaea! 569 00:47:59,210 --> 00:48:02,587 I'm gonna stay right here. 570 00:48:02,755 --> 00:48:05,131 No, I'm gonna move here. 571 00:48:07,093 --> 00:48:09,844 - You care if it falls? - What? 572 00:48:10,012 --> 00:48:13,306 - The Roman Empire. - Fuck it. 573 00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:18,311 Is that our men? 574 00:48:18,479 --> 00:48:19,646 Why have they stopped? 575 00:48:22,316 --> 00:48:24,734 - Oh, Marcus! - Why have you stopped? 576 00:48:24,902 --> 00:48:28,822 Why aren't you still chasing them? Have you lost your senses? 577 00:48:28,990 --> 00:48:31,783 Do you want to be stripped of rank and privileges? 578 00:48:31,951 --> 00:48:35,787 Do you want to be thrown into the dungeon? Do you want to... 579 00:48:37,665 --> 00:48:39,332 Do you want to dance? 580 00:48:39,709 --> 00:48:41,668 Lindus! 581 00:49:01,031 --> 00:49:05,211 [El Al - Israel Airlines] 582 00:49:15,411 --> 00:49:19,623 Hey, look. There's the ship that's gonna take us to Judaea. 583 00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:24,127 We're off on the road to Judaea (Special honor to Bing Crosby and Bob Hope) 584 00:49:24,295 --> 00:49:28,715 We certainly do get around 585 00:49:41,437 --> 00:49:44,898 See? I told you there was work to be found here. 586 00:49:46,984 --> 00:49:51,905 You're right. "Help wanted. Cashier, waiter and dishwasher." I'm gonna be waiter. 587 00:49:52,073 --> 00:49:54,157 - I'll be cashier. - I'll be the hat-check girl. 588 00:49:54,325 --> 00:49:56,993 - What are you... - All right, all right, I'll be the dishwasher. 589 00:49:57,161 --> 00:50:01,247 Hey, kids. I'll take Miracle and scout the area for a possible club date. 590 00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:05,085 I'll try Galilee. I heard that King Herod is bringing in gambling. 591 00:50:05,252 --> 00:50:07,462 Let's go, Miracle. 592 00:50:07,630 --> 00:50:10,757 - Take care, Swiftus. - Bye, Miracle. 593 00:50:13,052 --> 00:50:14,928 Comicus. 594 00:50:17,765 --> 00:50:19,182 Sir. 595 00:50:20,768 --> 00:50:23,978 - Sorry. - Now, tonight, we have a private party. 596 00:50:24,146 --> 00:50:30,235 Take their orders. Be correct. Be polite. And push the mulled wine, we're stuck with it. 597 00:50:30,403 --> 00:50:32,320 "Push the mulled wine, we're..." 598 00:50:32,488 --> 00:50:34,864 - Don't write it now. Now go. - Yes, sir. 599 00:50:36,992 --> 00:50:39,411 Can't get any good help today. 600 00:50:39,524 --> 00:50:40,824 [Private Supper] 601 00:50:43,624 --> 00:50:47,919 Before this night is over, one of you shall betray me three times. 602 00:50:48,087 --> 00:50:49,337 No, no. 603 00:50:49,505 --> 00:50:52,090 Master, how can you feel anyone here would betray you? 604 00:50:52,258 --> 00:50:54,676 You, who we'd follow even unto death? 605 00:50:54,844 --> 00:50:56,469 Yes, yes. 606 00:50:56,637 --> 00:50:58,722 Does everybody want soup? 607 00:50:58,889 --> 00:51:01,975 Please, we must talk. This may be our last supper. 608 00:51:02,143 --> 00:51:05,478 Hey, it's my first order. One little question and I'll let you all go. 609 00:51:05,646 --> 00:51:08,106 Are you all together, or is it separate checks? 610 00:51:08,274 --> 00:51:11,735 - Please go away! Go away. - All right, OK, OK. 611 00:51:11,902 --> 00:51:14,487 Yea, yea, so you say. 612 00:51:14,655 --> 00:51:18,450 But one who sits amongst us has already betrayed me this night. 613 00:51:18,617 --> 00:51:21,161 - Who? - Who? Who can it be? 614 00:51:21,328 --> 00:51:22,871 Judas! 615 00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:26,332 Do you want a beverage? Try the mulled wine, it's terrific. 616 00:51:26,500 --> 00:51:28,251 No! Leave us alone. 617 00:51:28,419 --> 00:51:30,295 Go, go. 618 00:51:30,463 --> 00:51:32,464 All right, all right. Jesus! 619 00:51:32,631 --> 00:51:35,008 - Yes? - What? 620 00:51:35,176 --> 00:51:37,427 - What? - What? 621 00:51:37,595 --> 00:51:38,678 Yes. 622 00:51:38,846 --> 00:51:39,888 - Jesus! - What? 623 00:51:40,055 --> 00:51:41,222 - Yes? - What? 624 00:51:41,390 --> 00:51:43,016 Well, you said "What?" 625 00:51:43,184 --> 00:51:44,267 What? 626 00:51:44,435 --> 00:51:45,727 Nothing. 627 00:51:47,271 --> 00:51:50,565 - Ah. Leonardo. - Buongiorno. 628 00:51:50,733 --> 00:51:54,027 - Just a second... - It's all right. We ordered a group portrait. 629 00:52:03,746 --> 00:52:07,874 This is no good. All I got is the backs. 630 00:52:11,212 --> 00:52:16,174 OK. Everybody wanna be in the picture, get up and go to the other side of the table. 631 00:52:31,732 --> 00:52:33,149 Hold it. 632 00:52:46,473 --> 00:52:50,473 [The Spanish Inquisition] 633 00:53:21,073 --> 00:53:24,242 The year was 1489. 634 00:53:24,410 --> 00:53:27,161 The black plague ravaged the continent. 635 00:53:27,329 --> 00:53:30,832 It was the hour of the infamous Auto-da-fé, 636 00:53:31,000 --> 00:53:34,711 where, for public amusement, heretics and non-believers 637 00:53:34,879 --> 00:53:38,089 were tortured and burned in a carnival-like atmosphere. 638 00:53:38,257 --> 00:53:41,885 And it was guided by the most fearful specter 639 00:53:42,052 --> 00:53:45,555 to ever sit in judgment over good and evil: 640 00:53:45,723 --> 00:53:50,143 The Grand Inquisitor, Torquemada. 641 00:53:50,311 --> 00:53:52,353 All pay heed. 642 00:53:52,521 --> 00:53:55,315 Now enters His Holiness, Torquemada, 643 00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:58,318 the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition. 644 00:54:05,993 --> 00:54:09,871 Torquemada. Do not implore him for compassion. 645 00:54:10,039 --> 00:54:13,833 Torquemada. Do not beg him for forgiveness. 646 00:54:14,001 --> 00:54:17,170 Torquemada. Do not ask him for mercy. 647 00:54:17,338 --> 00:54:21,507 Let's face it, you can't talk him outta anything. 648 00:54:22,092 --> 00:54:26,012 Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways, 649 00:54:26,180 --> 00:54:29,515 and to accept and embrace the true Church, 650 00:54:29,683 --> 00:54:33,853 convert now, or forever burn in hell. 651 00:54:34,021 --> 00:54:38,358 For now begins the Inquisition. 652 00:54:43,822 --> 00:54:46,115 The Inquisition, let's begin 653 00:54:46,283 --> 00:54:48,368 The Inquisition, look out sin 654 00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:53,206 - We have a mission to convert the Jews - Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jews 655 00:54:53,374 --> 00:54:55,500 We're gonna teach them wrong from right 656 00:54:55,668 --> 00:54:57,919 We're gonna help them see the light 657 00:54:58,087 --> 00:55:02,840 - And make an offer that they can't refuse - That the Jews just can't refuse 658 00:55:03,008 --> 00:55:04,676 Confess 659 00:55:04,843 --> 00:55:07,345 Don't be boring 660 00:55:07,513 --> 00:55:09,514 Say yes 661 00:55:09,682 --> 00:55:10,974 Don't be dull 662 00:55:12,267 --> 00:55:13,977 A fact 663 00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:16,854 You're ignoring 664 00:55:17,022 --> 00:55:20,400 It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull 665 00:55:20,567 --> 00:55:21,734 Oy, oy, gevalt 666 00:55:21,902 --> 00:55:24,028 The Inquisition, what a show 667 00:55:24,196 --> 00:55:26,322 The Inquisition, here we go 668 00:55:26,490 --> 00:55:31,119 We know you're wishing that we'd go away 669 00:55:31,286 --> 00:55:35,164 But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay 670 00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:36,374 Oh, boy 671 00:55:36,542 --> 00:55:39,043 The Inquisition, what joy 672 00:55:39,211 --> 00:55:41,838 The Inquisition, oy, oy 673 00:55:43,674 --> 00:55:47,176 I was sitting in a temple, I was minding my own business 674 00:55:47,344 --> 00:55:50,388 I was listening to a lovely Hebrew Mass 675 00:55:50,556 --> 00:55:53,349 These Papist persons plunge in, throw me in a dungeon 676 00:55:53,517 --> 00:55:56,352 And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass 677 00:55:56,729 --> 00:56:00,106 Is that considerate? Is that polite? 678 00:56:00,274 --> 00:56:04,152 And not a tube of Preparation H in sight 679 00:56:05,112 --> 00:56:08,156 I'm sitting flicking chickens, and I'm looking through the pickings 680 00:56:08,323 --> 00:56:10,450 And suddenly these goys break down my walls 681 00:56:11,577 --> 00:56:14,287 I didn't even know them, they grabbed me by the scrotum 682 00:56:14,455 --> 00:56:17,290 And they started playing Ping-Pong with my balls 683 00:56:17,458 --> 00:56:20,793 Oy, the agony! Oh, the shame 684 00:56:20,961 --> 00:56:24,338 To make my privates public for a game 685 00:56:29,303 --> 00:56:31,637 The Inquisition, what a show 686 00:56:31,805 --> 00:56:34,140 The Inquisition, here we go 687 00:56:34,308 --> 00:56:39,312 We know you're wishing that we'd go away 688 00:56:39,480 --> 00:56:42,315 But the Inquisition's here and it's here to... 689 00:56:42,483 --> 00:56:44,567 Hey, Torquemada, what do you say? 690 00:56:44,735 --> 00:56:49,322 - I just got back from the auto-da-fé. - Auto-da-Fe? What's an auto-da-Fe? 691 00:56:49,490 --> 00:56:52,450 It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway 692 00:56:57,164 --> 00:56:59,665 - Will you convert? - No, no, no, no 693 00:56:59,833 --> 00:57:02,126 - Will you confess? - No, no, no, no 694 00:57:02,294 --> 00:57:04,587 - Will you revert? - No, no, no, no 695 00:57:04,755 --> 00:57:07,215 - Will you say yes? - No, no, no, no 696 00:57:07,382 --> 00:57:09,967 Now, I asked in a nice way, I said pretty please 697 00:57:10,135 --> 00:57:13,221 I bent their ears, now I'll work on their knees! 698 00:57:35,452 --> 00:57:38,496 Hey, Torquemada, walk this way 699 00:57:40,499 --> 00:57:42,708 We got a little game you might want to play 700 00:57:42,876 --> 00:57:45,545 So pull that handle, try your luck 701 00:57:45,712 --> 00:57:48,047 Who knows, Torque, you might win a buck 702 00:57:48,215 --> 00:57:50,007 All right! 703 00:58:07,317 --> 00:58:09,402 Put it in the car. 704 00:58:10,028 --> 00:58:11,737 - In the car. - In the car. 705 00:58:14,992 --> 00:58:17,201 How we doing? Any converts today? 706 00:58:17,369 --> 00:58:20,246 Not a one, nay, nay, nay 707 00:58:20,414 --> 00:58:23,666 We've flattened their fingers, we've branded their buns 708 00:58:23,834 --> 00:58:26,169 Nothing is working 709 00:58:27,379 --> 00:58:29,088 Send in the nuns! 710 01:00:39,970 --> 01:00:43,389 The Inquisition, what a show 711 01:00:43,557 --> 01:00:46,892 The Inquisition, here we go 712 01:00:47,060 --> 01:00:52,982 We know you're wishing that we'd go away 713 01:00:53,150 --> 01:00:56,610 So come on, you Muslims and you Jews 714 01:00:56,778 --> 01:00:59,572 We got big news for all of yous 715 01:00:59,740 --> 01:01:02,116 You better change your point of view 716 01:01:02,284 --> 01:01:05,411 Tonight 717 01:01:05,579 --> 01:01:08,247 'Cause the Inquisition's here 718 01:01:08,415 --> 01:01:10,499 And it's here 719 01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:17,298 To stay 720 01:01:25,313 --> 01:01:28,783 [The french Revolution] 721 01:01:34,983 --> 01:01:40,988 Paris. A city filled with poverty, misery and despair. 722 01:01:41,615 --> 01:01:45,076 The time was ripe for revolution. 723 01:01:46,286 --> 01:01:48,537 [Rue De Merde] Apple cores! 724 01:01:48,705 --> 01:01:52,500 Freshly picked from the garbage of the rich. 725 01:01:52,667 --> 01:01:56,295 Apple cores. Apple cores. 726 01:01:56,463 --> 01:01:58,589 Rats. Rats. 727 01:01:58,757 --> 01:02:01,342 Nice dead rats for sale. 728 01:02:01,510 --> 01:02:05,888 Perfect for rat stew, rat soup, rat pie, 729 01:02:06,056 --> 01:02:09,600 and the ever-popular ratatouille. 730 01:02:09,768 --> 01:02:12,561 Nothing. Nothing. 731 01:02:12,729 --> 01:02:15,606 I got absolutely nothing for sale. 732 01:02:16,530 --> 01:02:20,330 [Madame Defarge's Inn. Serving the Scum of Paris for Over 300 Years] 733 01:02:21,530 --> 01:02:23,447 Sir, please help me. I'm starving to death. 734 01:02:23,615 --> 01:02:27,326 - Help, give me something... - Get away. Don't bother me, you swine. 735 01:02:27,494 --> 01:02:30,329 Please, money, food, anything. Help me, help... 736 01:02:30,497 --> 01:02:33,833 Get your filthy hands off me. Begone. 737 01:02:35,961 --> 01:02:37,086 Please! 738 01:02:37,254 --> 01:02:39,171 Something, anything. I'm starving to death... 739 01:02:40,090 --> 01:02:42,550 Look what we have come to. 740 01:02:42,717 --> 01:02:46,679 Beggars begging from beggars. 741 01:02:55,897 --> 01:02:58,023 Bonjour, Madame Defarge. 742 01:02:58,191 --> 01:03:00,443 Bonjour, scum. 743 01:03:00,610 --> 01:03:02,820 All keep quiet. The meeting begins. 744 01:03:03,613 --> 01:03:05,573 Fellow wretches. 745 01:03:06,074 --> 01:03:10,828 I don't have to tell you that poverty stalks the streets of Paris. 746 01:03:10,996 --> 01:03:12,705 Yeah! 747 01:03:13,248 --> 01:03:16,584 Families don't even have enough money for bread. 748 01:03:16,751 --> 01:03:19,128 - No. - We are down to almost nothing. 749 01:03:19,296 --> 01:03:23,466 Last week, I myself ran out of wool. 750 01:03:26,386 --> 01:03:28,387 - We have no rights. - No. 751 01:03:28,555 --> 01:03:31,390 - We have no say. - No. 752 01:03:31,558 --> 01:03:34,518 - We have no dignity! - No! 753 01:03:34,686 --> 01:03:40,024 We are so poor, we do not even have a language. 754 01:03:40,192 --> 01:03:42,651 Just a stupid accent. 755 01:03:42,819 --> 01:03:48,199 She's right! She's right. We all talk like Maurice Chevalier. 756 01:03:50,452 --> 01:03:54,788 What we need is a new language. 757 01:03:54,956 --> 01:04:01,545 A song that speaks of struggle, that speaks of triumph... 758 01:04:04,424 --> 01:04:07,259 - It is time for action! - Yes! 759 01:04:07,969 --> 01:04:10,930 Everybody stand. 760 01:04:11,515 --> 01:04:13,682 Repeat after me... 761 01:04:21,525 --> 01:04:25,277 No, no, no. Dumb scum. 762 01:04:25,445 --> 01:04:29,073 I mean death to King Louis. 763 01:04:29,241 --> 01:04:33,118 Death to King Louis. 764 01:04:33,286 --> 01:04:36,121 Good! Good. 765 01:04:36,873 --> 01:04:41,752 And now, let's end this meeting on a high note. 766 01:04:52,931 --> 01:04:57,309 Oh, but with this long trip and this exhausting conversation, I'm famished. 767 01:04:57,477 --> 01:04:58,978 Bearnaise? 768 01:04:59,646 --> 01:05:01,063 Yes? 769 01:05:01,815 --> 01:05:06,110 Do we have any of those delicious raisins left? 770 01:05:07,153 --> 01:05:09,196 You ate yours. 771 01:05:09,364 --> 01:05:11,365 These are mine. 772 01:05:11,866 --> 01:05:14,868 Au contraire. They are mine. I paid for them. 773 01:05:15,036 --> 01:05:16,620 Hand them over. 774 01:05:20,000 --> 01:05:24,086 Au contraire. I paid for them. Those are mine. 775 01:05:25,338 --> 01:05:28,173 Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise. 776 01:05:39,936 --> 01:05:41,854 Count de Money. 777 01:05:42,856 --> 01:05:44,773 Count de Money. 778 01:05:46,234 --> 01:05:49,278 Count de Money, Count de Money. 779 01:05:50,447 --> 01:05:54,241 - Count de Money, Count de Money! - De Monet, de Monet. 780 01:05:54,409 --> 01:05:57,620 - Count de Money. - Count de Money. 781 01:06:07,172 --> 01:06:09,757 We should get rid of your tailor. 782 01:06:10,383 --> 01:06:14,595 I don't like your cuffs. I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs. 783 01:06:15,013 --> 01:06:20,142 A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his pee-pee. 784 01:06:20,560 --> 01:06:23,896 Yours are all the way down to your balls. 785 01:06:24,564 --> 01:06:28,817 - At least I have them. - You bitch. 786 01:06:31,571 --> 01:06:34,448 - Lackey! - Count de Money. 787 01:06:34,908 --> 01:06:36,575 De Monet. 788 01:06:36,743 --> 01:06:39,912 - Monet. Say it! Monet. Monet. - Mo... Mo..net. 789 01:06:40,080 --> 01:06:42,873 Mo...net. 790 01:06:43,041 --> 01:06:45,751 Perfect. Don't forget it. Give it to me again. Monet. 791 01:06:45,919 --> 01:06:48,295 - Monet. - Very good. Where's His Majesty? 792 01:06:48,463 --> 01:06:50,506 Sir, the king is playing chess. 793 01:06:50,674 --> 01:06:54,718 Chess? I hate chess. 794 01:07:01,267 --> 01:07:03,977 It's your move, Your Majesty. 795 01:07:07,607 --> 01:07:10,401 I'm quite aware of that, you petit putz. 796 01:07:12,862 --> 01:07:14,446 I see. 797 01:07:18,201 --> 01:07:22,538 Knight to rook four. 798 01:07:29,838 --> 01:07:32,005 - Your move, Popinjay. - Yes, sire. 799 01:07:38,972 --> 01:07:43,767 - Pawn threatens bishop. - What the hell did you say? 800 01:07:43,935 --> 01:07:46,395 Pawn threatens bishop. 801 01:07:46,563 --> 01:07:48,939 All right. I understood. 802 01:07:49,107 --> 01:07:53,986 Pawn threatens bishop. All right, Popinjay. I'm invoking the king's privilege. 803 01:07:54,154 --> 01:07:56,321 Three moves to one. Yes! 804 01:08:00,160 --> 01:08:02,286 Knight jumps queen. 805 01:08:03,788 --> 01:08:06,498 Bishop jumps queen. 806 01:08:08,793 --> 01:08:11,670 Pawns jump queen. 807 01:08:14,674 --> 01:08:19,344 Gangbang! Come on, let's all jump the queen. 808 01:08:21,639 --> 01:08:25,142 Whip out those little dicks! Here we go. 809 01:08:33,234 --> 01:08:34,693 What a spectacle. 810 01:08:38,698 --> 01:08:42,117 Isn't the queen a good sport? 811 01:08:42,410 --> 01:08:46,538 And he is such a fool. Nevertheless, we must do everything we can 812 01:08:46,706 --> 01:08:50,459 to save the thing that divine right and history have placed on his head. 813 01:08:50,627 --> 01:08:54,630 - His wig? - No, you twit. His crown. 814 01:08:54,798 --> 01:08:56,690 The symbol of "Might makes right." 815 01:08:56,758 --> 01:08:59,885 The thing that our fortunes and titles are attached to. 816 01:09:00,053 --> 01:09:01,470 The monarchy. 817 01:09:03,848 --> 01:09:06,725 - Are you going to speak to His Majesty? - Perhaps later. 818 01:09:06,893 --> 01:09:10,662 We had a bouncy journey, I must relieve myself before I burst. 819 01:09:10,730 --> 01:09:13,232 - Where is the garçon de pisse? - I saw him just now. 820 01:09:13,399 --> 01:09:15,359 Oh, there he is. Over there. 821 01:09:16,820 --> 01:09:19,822 - Oh, merci, monsieur. - Piss boy! 822 01:09:19,989 --> 01:09:22,282 Ah, oui, monsieur. Oui. 823 01:09:23,743 --> 01:09:26,411 - Oui, oui? - Yes, a lot of it. 824 01:09:26,579 --> 01:09:28,372 S'il vous plait. 825 01:09:34,212 --> 01:09:36,880 Keep searching. You'll find it. 826 01:09:37,048 --> 01:09:39,424 Oh, leave me alone. I can handle this. 827 01:09:48,268 --> 01:09:51,520 You look familiar. Who do you look like? 828 01:09:52,272 --> 01:09:54,022 Je Ne sais pas. 829 01:09:55,900 --> 01:10:00,445 Who is that girl? She's gorgeous. 830 01:10:05,827 --> 01:10:08,287 - Pardon, pardon, pardon. - Yes? 831 01:10:08,454 --> 01:10:10,789 You are pissing on my shoe. 832 01:10:10,957 --> 01:10:13,500 - Sorry. Mind your pail! - Sorry, sorry. 833 01:10:20,967 --> 01:10:22,676 Wait for the shake. 834 01:10:27,724 --> 01:10:30,601 Now, there. That's for you. 835 01:10:31,227 --> 01:10:32,561 Piss off. 836 01:10:33,563 --> 01:10:36,273 Thank you. I'll get it later. 837 01:10:39,485 --> 01:10:41,069 Oh, that's better. 838 01:10:41,237 --> 01:10:45,782 Let the queen up, give the queen some air. She's been so good to all of us. 839 01:10:49,871 --> 01:10:54,374 Ooh! There's a naughty bit of crumpet. 840 01:11:02,258 --> 01:11:03,884 Oh, Your Majesty. 841 01:11:04,052 --> 01:11:07,679 - How's it going, Marie? - Oh, you are so naughty. 842 01:11:11,684 --> 01:11:13,727 It's good to be the king. 843 01:11:32,038 --> 01:11:35,082 Everything's so green! 844 01:11:35,249 --> 01:11:38,377 Majesty, may I have a word with you? 845 01:11:38,544 --> 01:11:41,088 - Care for a little toot? - Non, merci. 846 01:11:41,255 --> 01:11:43,774 Don't indulge, eh? Well, leaves more for us. 847 01:11:43,841 --> 01:11:49,054 - Who are you? - Your Majesty, I am Mademoiselle Rimbaud. 848 01:11:50,181 --> 01:11:52,349 Nice names. 849 01:11:52,517 --> 01:11:56,144 - Tell me, my dear, what can I do for you? - Your Majesty. 850 01:11:56,312 --> 01:12:01,108 My father, Monsieur Rimbaud, for ten years has languished in the Bastille. 851 01:12:01,275 --> 01:12:03,902 If I don't get him out soon, he will surely die. 852 01:12:04,070 --> 01:12:07,322 I throw myself on your mercy. Please release him. 853 01:12:07,490 --> 01:12:09,231 Why was he put into the Bastille? 854 01:12:09,235 --> 01:12:12,378 He said something at a royal dinner party. Something behind you. 855 01:12:12,578 --> 01:12:17,332 - What did he say? - He said, "The poor ain't so bad." 856 01:12:17,500 --> 01:12:22,587 Pouilly-Fuissé! "The poor ain't so bad"? You're lucky he's still alive. 857 01:12:22,755 --> 01:12:27,759 Please, Your Majesty, don't let him die. I'll do anything to gain his pardon, anything. 858 01:12:28,553 --> 01:12:30,137 Anything? 859 01:12:30,930 --> 01:12:35,934 Your Majesty, I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh. 860 01:12:37,145 --> 01:12:40,272 You don't put out, he don't get out. 861 01:12:41,149 --> 01:12:43,942 Your Majesty, I simply don't do it. 862 01:12:44,110 --> 01:12:48,488 Come on, you do it. You know you do it. 863 01:12:48,656 --> 01:12:52,034 We all do it. We love to do it. You do it. 864 01:12:52,201 --> 01:12:54,953 - No, I don't. - You want to do it. I do it. 865 01:12:55,121 --> 01:13:01,293 I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again. Don't tell me you don't do it. 866 01:13:02,837 --> 01:13:06,548 Now, either you do it, or your father dies. 867 01:13:06,716 --> 01:13:08,925 It's either hump or death. 868 01:13:09,093 --> 01:13:13,972 - Humperdinck? - Not Humperdinck. "Hump or death." 869 01:13:14,140 --> 01:13:18,643 You got ten seconds to make up your mind. Hump. Death. Hump. Death. Hump. Death. 870 01:13:18,811 --> 01:13:20,312 Hump. Death. Hump. Death. 871 01:13:20,480 --> 01:13:22,731 Hump. Death. Your time is running out! Hump. Death... 872 01:13:22,899 --> 01:13:25,108 All right, all right. Hump! 873 01:13:26,652 --> 01:13:31,239 Very good. I'm glad you thought it over. Be at my chambers at midnight. 874 01:13:31,407 --> 01:13:33,492 A tout à l'heure 875 01:13:33,826 --> 01:13:34,826 Wait! 876 01:13:35,620 --> 01:13:37,871 Don't wear anything... 877 01:13:38,372 --> 01:13:40,248 complicated. 878 01:13:53,012 --> 01:13:55,013 It's good to be the king. 879 01:14:00,353 --> 01:14:02,729 Your Majesty, I must have a word with you... 880 01:14:03,481 --> 01:14:05,857 Ah, the Count de Money. 881 01:14:06,025 --> 01:14:08,527 - De Mo... - Don't correct me. What is it? 882 01:14:08,986 --> 01:14:10,612 Of course, Your Majesty. 883 01:14:10,988 --> 01:14:14,950 I've come on most urgent business. It is said that the people are revolting. 884 01:14:15,118 --> 01:14:17,577 You said it. They stink on ice. 885 01:14:17,745 --> 01:14:22,499 No, this is a very serious problem. The peasants feel you have no regard for them. 886 01:14:22,667 --> 01:14:25,794 What? I have no regard for the peasants? 887 01:14:25,962 --> 01:14:29,131 They are my people. I am their sovereign. 888 01:14:29,298 --> 01:14:32,300 I love them. Pull! 889 01:14:36,264 --> 01:14:40,058 - Drifting to the left. - Your Majesty, the situation is worsening. 890 01:14:40,226 --> 01:14:42,769 The peasants may grow violent. 891 01:14:43,521 --> 01:14:45,188 - Violent? You think? - Yes. 892 01:14:45,356 --> 01:14:48,066 I hate violence. It's the one thing I detest. 893 01:14:48,234 --> 01:14:51,069 Violence. I abhor it. 894 01:14:51,237 --> 01:14:52,737 Pull! 895 01:14:54,907 --> 01:14:56,241 Fell like a stone. 896 01:14:56,409 --> 01:15:01,913 But, Your Majesty, just in case of the remote possibility of a temporary revolution, 897 01:15:02,081 --> 01:15:06,251 don't you think it would be wise to have you safely spirited out of Paris? 898 01:15:07,753 --> 01:15:12,090 Perhaps you're right. But who would sit on my throne in my absence? 899 01:15:12,258 --> 01:15:18,346 - We'll find a double, put him on the throne. - Ah. A double in case of trouble. I like it. 900 01:15:20,933 --> 01:15:24,936 But where would you find a handsome dog to replace me? 901 01:15:26,522 --> 01:15:29,566 Oh, yes, of course, of course. That's it! 902 01:15:29,734 --> 01:15:35,697 - Your Majesty, you look like the piss boy! - And you look like a bucket of shit! 903 01:15:35,865 --> 01:15:37,866 No, you don't understand, Your Majesty. 904 01:15:38,034 --> 01:15:41,912 It is God's will. Except for the beauty mark and mustache. 905 01:15:42,079 --> 01:15:44,623 - There's our double. - Sacré bleu! 906 01:15:44,790 --> 01:15:46,958 You're right. I do look like the piss boy. 907 01:15:47,126 --> 01:15:51,463 All right. At the first sign of trouble, he shall be the king. 908 01:15:51,631 --> 01:15:53,757 - Go. - Immediately, sire. 909 01:15:54,508 --> 01:15:57,636 Bearnaise! Garçon, I must have a word with you. 910 01:15:57,803 --> 01:16:00,305 - I'm not finished. - You are. Come with me. 911 01:16:00,473 --> 01:16:03,099 - You're finished. - I'm finished. 912 01:16:03,935 --> 01:16:05,227 Lackey. 913 01:16:07,563 --> 01:16:09,272 Your Majesty. 914 01:16:17,740 --> 01:16:19,741 It's good to be the king. 915 01:16:20,826 --> 01:16:24,746 - Good. Now the beauty mark. - It's coming. 916 01:16:30,753 --> 01:16:35,757 Wonderful. No one would ever suspect that His Royal Highness 917 01:16:35,925 --> 01:16:39,302 is really the lowly piss boy. 918 01:16:40,930 --> 01:16:43,723 Oh, this is never gonna work. Please, Count de Money... 919 01:16:43,891 --> 01:16:45,850 De Monet, de Monet. 920 01:16:46,018 --> 01:16:49,271 De Monet, Dubonnet, Ciboney - it's not gonna work. 921 01:16:49,438 --> 01:16:52,524 I can't behave like a king. I don't know king things. 922 01:16:52,900 --> 01:16:56,361 Please, let... See? See? I can't even walk like a king. 923 01:16:56,529 --> 01:16:59,990 I can't walk in heels. I'm no good in heels. He's good in heels. 924 01:17:00,157 --> 01:17:03,952 This'll never work. Why are you doing this to me? What's this all about? 925 01:17:04,120 --> 01:17:07,455 Why are you dressing me like the king? Why do I have to be the king? 926 01:17:07,623 --> 01:17:11,042 It's very simple, really. Is my hair all right? 927 01:17:11,210 --> 01:17:13,878 - Dreadful. - Well, fix it. 928 01:17:16,674 --> 01:17:20,760 Yes. You see, recently, there has been a rumor about a revolution. 929 01:17:20,928 --> 01:17:23,430 And if this revolution should succeed, 930 01:17:23,597 --> 01:17:26,057 the first thing the people will do is cut off the king's head. 931 01:17:26,225 --> 01:17:29,936 If there is a double on the throne, the king can remain in safety... 932 01:17:30,104 --> 01:17:33,231 - while they cut off the double's head. - I get it. 933 01:17:33,399 --> 01:17:37,068 Whoa! I get it! I get it! 934 01:17:37,903 --> 01:17:41,948 - They're here to cut off my head? - Hide in there, I'll see who it is. 935 01:17:49,749 --> 01:17:55,587 All right, take me! Ravage me, Your Majesty. A bargain is a bargain. 936 01:17:56,714 --> 01:18:00,091 - All right. - Wait! You're not the king. 937 01:18:00,259 --> 01:18:05,138 True, true. I am the Count de Money... De Monet, de Monet. 938 01:18:05,306 --> 01:18:09,434 But the king is temporarily indisposed. You've come to the right place. 939 01:18:09,602 --> 01:18:10,727 Please. 940 01:18:16,192 --> 01:18:20,528 You seem troubled, my dear. Let me help you. 941 01:18:22,448 --> 01:18:25,617 - I don't see how you can. - Why not? 942 01:18:28,621 --> 01:18:31,790 I've decided to trade my virginity for my father's freedom, 943 01:18:31,957 --> 01:18:36,419 and submit to the king's lustful wants. 944 01:18:36,587 --> 01:18:38,463 Oh, lustful wa... 945 01:18:42,218 --> 01:18:43,843 Chipped. 946 01:18:44,136 --> 01:18:48,098 This is the saddest night of my life. 947 01:18:49,809 --> 01:18:52,310 And the happiest night of mine. 948 01:18:54,230 --> 01:18:56,064 Excuse me. 949 01:19:01,821 --> 01:19:03,321 Count? 950 01:19:04,323 --> 01:19:06,491 Count de Money? Count de Money? 951 01:19:06,659 --> 01:19:09,244 De Monet... De Monet... 952 01:19:09,412 --> 01:19:11,704 Excuse me, did you see the count? 953 01:19:11,872 --> 01:19:14,040 He was here a moment ago... 954 01:19:14,834 --> 01:19:19,337 All right, Your Majesty. Please ravage me. 955 01:19:19,505 --> 01:19:21,673 Gee, I just ate. I want... 956 01:19:21,841 --> 01:19:25,009 - Take me, Your Majesty, take me! - Where? 957 01:19:25,177 --> 01:19:31,933 Despoil me! Humiliate me! Only do it! Do it! Hump! Hump! Hump! 958 01:19:32,101 --> 01:19:35,937 It's good to be the king. Look, come here. Let's talk about this. 959 01:19:36,105 --> 01:19:38,606 Why don't we go out and have a wonderful candlelit dinner? 960 01:19:38,774 --> 01:19:42,360 Then after that a couple of magnums of wine, see a few nude paintings. 961 01:19:42,528 --> 01:19:46,698 - Get in the mood, you know what I mean? - Your Majesty, I don't understand. 962 01:19:46,866 --> 01:19:52,036 You said if I let you have your way with me, you'd let my father out of the dungeon. 963 01:19:52,204 --> 01:19:54,747 Ah! That's what I said. 964 01:19:54,915 --> 01:19:58,585 Look, for all intents and purposes, I'm the king, right? 965 01:19:58,752 --> 01:20:01,921 Why don't we go to my desk? There must be a pardon in the desk, 966 01:20:02,089 --> 01:20:04,716 and we'll get your daddy out of jail. Come on. 967 01:20:04,884 --> 01:20:09,554 Let's look through the desk. Must be thousands of pardons in the king's desk. 968 01:20:09,722 --> 01:20:12,807 Here we go. OK. 969 01:20:13,392 --> 01:20:18,730 Execution, execution, execution, execution, execution, ex... Tough guy. 970 01:20:18,898 --> 01:20:22,275 This can't be... Must be a pardon somewhere. Let's see. 971 01:20:23,277 --> 01:20:28,156 Ah! One. One left. We're lucky. Yes. 972 01:20:28,908 --> 01:20:31,075 Let's see. Your father's name? 973 01:20:31,243 --> 01:20:32,619 Rimbaud. 974 01:20:32,786 --> 01:20:35,914 Rimbaud? How do you spell "R..."? Oh, never mind. 975 01:20:36,081 --> 01:20:38,833 - Rimbaud. Is that French? - Oui. 976 01:20:39,460 --> 01:20:44,297 All right. Here we go. July 14, 1789, 977 01:20:44,465 --> 01:20:47,926 signed by Louis... quatorze, quinze, sixteen... 978 01:20:48,093 --> 01:20:51,387 - How do you say "sixteen" in French? - Seize. 979 01:20:51,555 --> 01:20:55,433 Seize you. Good. 980 01:20:59,355 --> 01:21:05,443 Now, you give this to the head officer at the jail, and he will set your father free. 981 01:21:06,195 --> 01:21:08,029 Your Majesty. 982 01:21:10,574 --> 01:21:14,160 Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, quack, tweet, tweet. 983 01:21:14,328 --> 01:21:17,830 Hello? No song for me today, Pierre? 984 01:21:17,998 --> 01:21:21,459 What's the matter with you? Cat got your tongue? 985 01:21:21,627 --> 01:21:27,507 I was right. He got his tongue, eyes and beak. The lot. 986 01:21:27,675 --> 01:21:30,051 Oh, dearie me. 987 01:21:30,219 --> 01:21:33,096 Not so lucky, Pierre 988 01:21:33,264 --> 01:21:39,477 Oh, you. You naughty pussy. Naughty, naughty pussy. 989 01:21:39,645 --> 01:21:43,314 And now, to invent the catapult. 990 01:21:47,695 --> 01:21:49,362 He's in there. 991 01:21:52,575 --> 01:21:53,825 Father! 992 01:21:56,120 --> 01:21:58,621 Oh, my darling father, I have good news. 993 01:21:58,789 --> 01:22:00,331 You're free. 994 01:22:02,293 --> 01:22:07,505 Free! Did you hear that, my little winged friends? Free. Free! 995 01:22:07,673 --> 01:22:11,217 And so, they shall be free too. 996 01:22:16,890 --> 01:22:20,143 Fly, my pretty one. Fly. 997 01:22:20,311 --> 01:22:24,355 Away! The sky is your playground. 998 01:22:24,523 --> 01:22:27,900 Happy landing, Mother, Mrs. Schultz. 999 01:22:28,068 --> 01:22:31,779 Hurry, father. Hurry, before the king changes his mind. 1000 01:22:31,947 --> 01:22:35,825 What a racket! How can I get sleep around here? 1001 01:22:35,993 --> 01:22:37,660 Guns, fireworks... 1002 01:22:39,038 --> 01:22:40,747 Your Majesty! 1003 01:22:42,416 --> 01:22:44,631 Quick, your Majesty, it's a revolution! 1004 01:22:44,632 --> 01:22:46,460 You've got to escape. They're storming the palace. 1005 01:22:46,462 --> 01:22:49,172 So that's the noise. The revolution! 1006 01:22:49,340 --> 01:22:53,426 - Free, I'm free... - My father, the man you pardoned. 1007 01:22:53,594 --> 01:22:57,472 Thank you, Your Highness. I thought I'd never live to see the day 1008 01:22:57,640 --> 01:23:01,225 - when I would once again... - Yes, yes. 1009 01:23:03,228 --> 01:23:04,395 Dad! 1010 01:23:05,939 --> 01:23:08,358 What fool put a carpet on the wall? 1011 01:23:08,525 --> 01:23:10,193 - Hurry up. - Quick, Dad. 1012 01:23:10,361 --> 01:23:12,695 You're not as tall as you used to be. 1013 01:23:12,863 --> 01:23:14,322 - I was wrong. - Quick, follow me. 1014 01:23:14,490 --> 01:23:16,074 Quick, hurry. 1015 01:23:20,412 --> 01:23:23,456 What the... Who designed this place? 1016 01:23:28,671 --> 01:23:31,089 That way, that way. 1017 01:23:31,674 --> 01:23:35,885 - There he is. - Wait, wait. You're making a big mistake. 1018 01:23:36,053 --> 01:23:38,638 - In the name of the people of France... - Fronce. 1019 01:23:38,806 --> 01:23:43,768 ..Fronce, we place you, King Louis, under arrest. 1020 01:23:43,936 --> 01:23:47,897 But, dot dot dot, you don't understand! 1021 01:23:48,065 --> 01:23:51,609 Take him away. Take them all away. 1022 01:23:51,777 --> 01:23:54,779 No, wait! I'm with you. 1023 01:23:54,947 --> 01:23:59,283 Whee! Whee! 1024 01:24:17,594 --> 01:24:19,303 Oh, Jacques, Jacques. 1025 01:24:19,471 --> 01:24:23,975 Courage, my dear. Watch me, and take heart by my example. 1026 01:24:24,601 --> 01:24:28,187 I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king, 1027 01:24:28,647 --> 01:24:30,898 but I can die like a king. 1028 01:24:31,275 --> 01:24:34,610 Your Majesty? You're next. 1029 01:24:34,778 --> 01:24:38,114 - Do you require a blindfold? - None. 1030 01:24:38,282 --> 01:24:40,616 - Have you any last words? - None. 1031 01:24:40,784 --> 01:24:43,578 Test the guillotine. 1032 01:24:45,497 --> 01:24:48,332 Holy shit! Wait a minute, wait a minute. 1033 01:24:48,834 --> 01:24:52,336 - Last request, last request. - What is your last request? 1034 01:24:52,504 --> 01:24:55,965 - Novocaine. - Wait a moment. 1035 01:24:56,717 --> 01:25:00,470 There is no such thing known to medical science. 1036 01:25:01,805 --> 01:25:04,640 - I'll wait. - Seize him! 1037 01:25:04,808 --> 01:25:07,268 Off with his head! Off with his head! 1038 01:25:07,436 --> 01:25:10,354 Oh, please, listen to me. I'm not the king. 1039 01:25:10,522 --> 01:25:12,273 Bullshit! 1040 01:25:12,441 --> 01:25:14,692 It's a very hard crowd. 1041 01:25:14,860 --> 01:25:17,403 - Seize him. - Wait. Wait a minute. Gimme a break. 1042 01:25:17,571 --> 01:25:21,824 - Put his head on the block. - Wait, I don't want to die. Don't hurt me. 1043 01:25:34,755 --> 01:25:36,839 Only a miracle can save him. 1044 01:25:40,636 --> 01:25:42,220 It's Miracle! 1045 01:25:44,223 --> 01:25:46,682 I don't believe it! Josephus! 1046 01:25:46,850 --> 01:25:48,726 Whoa! 1047 01:25:48,894 --> 01:25:52,596 - Hey, baby! Get down. Get down. - Jump! 1048 01:26:04,409 --> 01:26:07,620 How'd you get all the way here from the Roman Empire? 1049 01:26:07,788 --> 01:26:12,333 Oh, don't be square, Mon chéri. Movies is magic. 1050 01:26:18,465 --> 01:26:20,508 Uh-oh, we had better kiss soon. 1051 01:26:20,676 --> 01:26:25,221 - Why? - We're coming to the end. See? 1052 01:26:25,764 --> 01:26:27,932 Oh, my darling... 1053 01:26:29,560 --> 01:26:31,686 Oh, my darling. 1054 01:26:35,357 --> 01:26:37,817 Looks like it's a big ending. 1055 01:26:50,956 --> 01:26:52,748 Wait! Where are you going? 1056 01:26:52,758 --> 01:26:58,629 Coming soon! Don't miss History of the World Part ll. 1057 01:26:58,797 --> 01:27:01,549 See Hitler on ice. 1058 01:27:15,689 --> 01:27:19,317 See a Viking funeral. 1059 01:27:39,129 --> 01:27:43,841 See Jews in space. 1060 01:27:47,888 --> 01:27:52,350 We're Jews out in space 1061 01:27:52,517 --> 01:27:55,519 We're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race 1062 01:27:55,687 --> 01:27:59,690 We're Jews out in space 1063 01:27:59,858 --> 01:28:03,861 If trouble appears, we'll put it right back in its place 1064 01:28:04,029 --> 01:28:08,199 When goyim attack us 1065 01:28:08,367 --> 01:28:11,593 We'll give them a smack, we'll slap them right back in the face 1066 01:28:27,886 --> 01:28:31,430 We're Jews out in space 1067 01:28:31,598 --> 01:28:38,521 We're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race 1068 01:28:38,522 --> 01:28:38,604 We're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race 1069 01:28:38,610 --> 01:28:42,954 Edited By : Reza Fa. Ver : 2