[theme music playing]
LOUIE [over speaker] Resnick, you got cab 529.
Capasso...
cab 111.
Come on, let's get out of here
and get some breakfast. I'm hungry.
- Good idea. - Let's go.
Hey, listen, Louie, when Alex comes in,
would you just tell him we're at Mario's?
He won't be in for a while.
Hamill, 120.
- How come? - He got shot.
- De la Grazzi... - What?!
- 829. - What do you mean,
he got shot, Louie? What happened?
Some guy robbed him and shot him.
Lucia, 338.
For God's sakes, Louie, where is he?
Is he all right? Is he alive?
Last time I talked to him, he was.
They took him to Mt. Sinai.
Liebowitz, 226.
Louie, how can you just sit there like that?
I mean, come on! Don't you care about Alex?
Aren't you worried about him?
Of course I care about him.
What kind of heel you think I am?
Drago, 829.
Come on, let's go to the hospital. Come on.
- [indistinct voices] - You're a sick person.
[John] Huh. Hey. What are you doing here?
- Huh? - Louie said you got shot.
Yeah, I did.
Well, are you okay?
- Huh? - Are you okay?
Of course he's okay. The bullet just nicked his ear.
Yeah, it was just a scratch. I'm fine, really.
That's all?
Oh, the doctor said that since the gun went off
close to my ear, that I might have
a little trouble hearing every now and then.
But I don't seem to notice anything.
So, there's nothing else wrong?
Huh? No, it didn't take long.
He just put a bandage here and let me go.
It's okay.
Boy, you were really lucky.
- I'll say. - [Bobby] Yeah.
What?
Boy, you were really lucky.
I'll say.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it was really crazy.
You know, I-I just let this guy off,
and all of a sudden, he sticks a gun in my face.
- Oh... - He asked me to give him all my money.
I told him that most of it was locked in a strongbox
and I didn't have the key. He didn't buy that.
So, uh... then I heard him cock the gun.
I mean, I really got frightened. I didn't know what to do.
So, I stepped on the gas, the gun went off, and, zing.
- You know. - That isscary.
Boy, you read about these things happening all the time,
but you never think it's going to happen to you.
What makes you think it was a Jew?
Oh, uh, just a hunch.
Well, listen, I-I'm going to go home and get some sleep.
I'll see you guys later, okay?
- Okay. Alex? - Yeah, take it easy, man.
You know what? Don't come in tomorrow.
I mean, why don't you just take a couple days off?
You know, rest, relax.
Oh, thanks. I got them on sale.
You like them?
- Huh? - Alex?
- Yeah? - Why don't you take a couple days off?
I mean, an experience like this has got to have an effect on you.
No, no, no, no. I'm fine, Elaine.
I really am. You know the old saying--
you fall off a horse, you got to get right back on.
Yeah, but I don't know if the same old saying applies
to getting shot off a horse.
Oh, Elaine, I'm okay. Really, I'm okay. Believe me.
Hey-hey, Alex, did you get a good look
at the guy who shot you?
Oh, all I saw was his big gun.
Oh, yeah, he had a word tattooed across his fist--
"kill."
Never, neverpick up
any people with tattoos.
That's a cardinal rule.
They're all morons, maniacs and lowlifes.
Hey, Louie, I got a tattoo.
Oh, yeah, and losers.
LOUIE [over dispatch] Hey, Alex.
Yeah, Louie?
You all right?
Yeah, sure, Louie.
Are you certain?
No, it's not hurting a bit.
I'm okay.
Look, Alex, I know you must be feeling a little nervous
after what happened last night,
so I don't want you to feel any pressure.
Don't pick up anybody who don't look right to you
and stay out of the bad neighborhoods.
If you don't book so good, it don't matter to me.
Well, thanks, Louie.
All right, Nardo, I read your crummy speech.
Now where's my five dollars?
Uh, look, Elaine, Elaine, please don't worry about me.
It's no big deal, huh?
[man] Taxi!
Sorry, off duty.
I'll pick up the next one.
MAN #2: Cab!
Next one that doesn't have a safety pin through his nose.
MAN #3: Taxi!
Good evening, Father.
Front Street by Pier Six, please.
What church is down there?
I don't know.
I-I don't think there is one.
That's a pretty desolate area at night.
Guess you must have your reasons
for going there, huh?
Uh-huh.
You seem sort of, uh, young to be a priest.
You been one long?
Uh-uh.
Uh, Louie, this is Alex, listen...
I'm busy! Call back in an hour.
That's my dispatcher.
We keep in constant contact here, you know.
[chuckling nervously]
You know... say, a couple of guys down at the garage and I
were having this little argument, you know.
Maybe you can clear it up for me, uh, Father.
Um... yeah, we had this big fight
about who the 12 Apostles were, and, uh, I figured, uh...
you being a priest, why, you'd know, right?
You had a fight over the 12 Apostles?
[laughs]
Yeah.
I bet you could rattle off their names
in nothing flat.
Would you do that for me, Father?
Rattle them off in nothing flat?
I suppose so, if you like.
Uh, let's see...
uh, Peter, Matthew, Judas, Andrew...
James the younger, James the elder,
Bartholomew... Simon...
That's eight.
John.
Do you really need to know this?
It would mean a lot to me
and the guys at the garage... Father.
Thomas and Jude.
One more.
Did I say Andrew?
Yeah, you said Andrew already.
Well, it's not Sneezy.
No, I don't think it is Sneezy.
I'm sorry, I don't remember.
[tires squeal]
- All right, get out of the cab! - What?
I said get out of the cab! Get out of the cab!
Try it on some other sucker. Get out of here...
I'll call the cops! I'll call the cops!
[engine revving]
Wow, that was a close one.
Boy, that's really something.
Everybody's totally paranoid
after what happened to Alex last night.
They're all stealing Latka's tools for weapons.
It's crazy.
What'd you get?
A wrench.
Uh, in my opinion,
the best weapon is reasonable communication.
The tongue is mightier than the sword.
Talk like that's a good way to get your tongue cut off.
I heard about this guy once
who faked a heart attack while he was getting mugged.
Scared the mugger off.
You know, I could do that.
Uh, you'd have to be pretty convincing.
Hey, I'm an actor, man.
You know, I can convince anybody of anything, you know.
- Yeah? - Yeah, you want to see a heart attack?
[Elaine] Yeah.
Okay, heart attack.
[gulps]
Oh...
[gasping]
What's the matter with you?
[gasping] I'm having a heart attack.
Well, have it somewheres else.
I could've tripped and broke my neck.
See? I convinced him.
You did!
- Yeah. - Play some rummy?
- Yeah. Let me get my... - Hi, Alex.
Hey, Alex, how's your ear?
How do you feel?
[indistinct voices]
You booked absolutely nothing?
That's not too good, Alex.
I quit.
You're not used to criticism, are you?
Look, Louie, I had a lot of time to think about this last night.
I see you had a lot of time.
I don't want to drive a cab anymore.
Alex... Alex!
Huh?
Come in here.
- What do you want? - Come over here.
What are you talking about?
You can't quit.
You're my best booker.
Louie, I almost got killed the other night.
One guy out of a city of eight million
tries to blow your brains out,
you want to make a federal case out of it.
Now look, Louie, I'm serious. I quit.
Rieger, you leave, it's costing me a lot of money.
Ah! But that doesn't matter.
Because who cares about money
when people's personal feelings are involved?
[chuckles]
Now, how's this going to affect your fellow drivers?
Next to me, they look up to you more than anyone else in here.
Now, how are you going to break the news to them?
I don't know. I thought I'd do something like this.
Hey, everybody, I'm quitting.
- What?! - What for?
- What are you talking about? - What do you mean?
Well, it's very simple. I'm scared.
Well, sure, you're a little scared.
I mean, after what happened the other night...
No, John, I'm not just a little scared.
I'm a littlescared of spiders and snakes,
but driving a cab terrifies me.
Well, what about what you said
about climbing back on the horse?
Yeah, well, me and Old Paint didn't book a dime last night.
Alex, listen, I can really understand
what you're going through, but quitting, man, is crazy.
Well, picking up total strangers
in the middle of the night
and driving wherever they tell you to
isn't exactly sane.
Who does that?
We do.
Oh, yeah.
Quitting!
The man is quitting.
Well, maybe I'm using the word "man" too loosely.
You're a lily-livered, yellow-bellied,
namby-pamby, mealymouthed chicken!
You're right, Louie.
Can't reason with the guy.
I still don't believe what I'm hearing.
Alex, you've been driving a cab for ten years.
What are you going to do if you quit, huh?
There are a lot of things I could do.
Yeah, like what?
I used to be an upholsterer.
I could go back to doing that.
Oh, whoopie-doo.
Tending bar-- I did that for a while.
Yeah, well, they get held up, too, you know.
I was a waiter once. That's a possibility.
Oh, exciting.
You could make cheese.
Why would I want to do that?
Somebody has to.
Yeah, good point.
Look, I'm not worried about finding a job.
Yeah, but Alex, you like driving.
Well, who wouldn't?
It's a great job.
You're outside cruising in the fresh air.
You wear what you want, you work when you want.
It's the kind of job you can really make out
without killing yourself.
Yeah, somebody else will do that for you.
Look, I've thought about this a lot,
and I've come to the conclusion
my life is worth more than 55 cents a mile.
Now, I can't handle it anymore, and that's it.
Wow, we're all really going to miss you.
Yeah, it's... it's going to be
weird around here without you.
It sure is.
Hey, come on, we'll keep in touch.
I'll drop by, you'll drop by.
I mean, you know how it goes.
I mean, a guy leaves the neighborhood,
you see him more than when he lived next door.
You know that.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, we'll still be tight, right?
- Sure. - Right.
Right.
Okay.
- I, uh... - Oh...
Please!
I'm gonna hate myself in the morning.
- Well, I guess I'll see you... - Okay.
[snaps fingers]
Are we ready to order?
I think so.
Uh, how's your escargot?
My car goes fine, why do you ask?
Is there something wrong with your hearing?
I'm sorry, we don't serve herring,
but I can recommend the escargot.
Fine, uh, just bring us those,
and we'll decide on our entree later.
Very good, sir.
Wow, Alex said he was working at a posh place,
but I never expected anything like this.
Good evening.
Yes, reservations for Dr. Wheeler.
Ah, yes, Dr. Wheeler, party of four, yes?
Yes.
Follow me... Doctor.
I'll show you to your table.
Dr. Wheeler?
Well, it's easier to get reservations
at joints like this if they think you're a doctor.
So, uh, how'd that heart job go this morning, Doc?
Madame.
- Bon appétit. - Merci.
Touché.
Will you stop trying to embarrass me, huh?
- What did I do? - What do you...?
Hey, look at all the silverware
they give you here. Isn't this great?
Good evening.
My name is Richard.
I'll be serving you this evening.
Are you the waiter for this table?
Yes.
Then we'd like to sit somewhere else.
Excuse me.
Um, I'm sure you're an excellent waiter.
However, we know another waiter
from the establishment at which he worked formerly.
And, um, Alex Rieger is his name.
We would very much like for him to serve us.
I hope you understand.
Not entirely.
But I'll get him.
Oh, thank you so much.
Why am I talking like the Queen of England?
Hey, you know, I've been
to some pretty great places in my life,
but this place beats them all.
There ain't even no gum
- stuck to this table. - Will you put it...?
Uh, good evening. My name is Alex.
- Hey, Alex! - Hi, Alex!
- Hey, you look really terrific. - Do I? huh?
Oh, yeah, cummerbunds become you.
Here, pull up a chair.
Oh, no, thanks, Tony, I can't.
I have six tables to take care of.
I have to be kind of mobile, if you know what I mean.
Well, we just thought we'd stop by,
you know, say hello, and have a bite.
Yes, it's really great to see you people.
Um, would like me to get you something to drink?
Yeah, I'd love a brew.
Oh.
So, how's it going?
Very well, Tony. Very well.
Listen, why don't I buy you a bottle of wine, huh?
What do you say?
- Oh... - Hey...
What do you like? Red? White? Rose?
White rose would be great.
An excellent choice, Tony.
Yeah, and bring some peanuts.
Right.
I can't believe Alex is doing this.
It's hard to keep a straight face.
He seems to like it here okay, huh?
Yeah.
Wow, he must be cleaning up.
15% of the price of a cup of coffee is a great tip.
Hmm!
Here we are.
- Oh. - Hmm?
Whoo, that's nice, Alex.
Would you like me to open it now?
No, don't bother, we'll do it ourselves.
Well, that's okay, Tony. It's okay.
[chuckles]
- Alex? - Yes?
Alex, is, uh, this really awkward for you?
What, you people coming here and my having to wait on you?
Uh-huh.
Yes, it's as awkward as hell.
Hey, would you feel better if we left?
Now, truth.
Oh, come on, I'm just kidding.
Hey, come on. You're my friends. Don't be silly.
Besides, I understand you people are going to be great tippers.
- Hey, uh, Alex? - Hmm?
I think it's ladies first.
Oh.
Thanks for your help, Tony.
[woman] Waiter.
- Mmm. - Mmm?
[whispers] It's wonderful.
Waiter?
[Bobby] Uh, I'd like to propose a toast.
Waiter.
Will you keep your drawers on, lady?
The guy's got six tables.
He can't be everywhere at once.
I just wanted some water.
Listen, I'll be right back.
You happy?
It's okay, Alex. I took care of it.
Oh, thank you.
Uh... all right.
- How are we? - We're doing good.
Hey, let's, uh, have a toast.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Oh, yeah, anyway...
to our good friend, Alex.
Oh, please.
And one good waiter, too, if you ask me.
[all] Hear, hear.
Thank you, thank you, folks.
Okay, are we ready to order?
- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.
Um, let's see, I'm gonna st...
I'll have the spinach salad.
Oh, listen, I'll split one with you.
Just put extra bacon bits
on my half, all right?
Gee, it seems such a shame not to order
French food in a French restaurant.
Uh, tell me... uh,
how are the potatoes au gratin prepared?
With cheese.
Very interesting.
That's what I think I'll have--
potatoes au gratin, with cheese.
What the heck. Give me the potatoes au gratin--
only without the cheese.
Okay, let's see if I've got this right, now.
That's, uh, pheasant pate, vichyssoise,
endive salad, duck a l'orange
chocolate mousse and espresso all for four.
- Alex, what are...? - It's on me.
Aw, Alex, we can't let you do that.
Are you kidding? Listen, I make
almost twice as much here as I did at the garage.
Now, it's on me, and that's all there is to it.
Well, gee, I mean, like, well... thanks.
You're welcome.
[Elaine] You know, Alex, uh...
I guess we all came here tonight sort of hoping
it wasn't working out for you as a waiter.
And you know, maybe you'd come back to the garage.
But I-I guess there's no chance of that, huh?
You know, strangely enough, I was laying awake last night
thinking about whether or not
I should go back to driving a cab.
- Really? - Great!
Hold on. I said I was thinking about it--just thinking.
- [groaning] - I mean, you know,
I was trying to weigh
what's good about being a waiter
against what's good about being a cab driver.
You know, I, um...
I do make a lot more bread here.
- Oh... - Yeah.
But on the other hand,
being a cab driver, I'm my own boss.
I mean, nobody orders me around, you know.
Nobody goes like this to me.
- That's right. - Right.
- That's important. - Self-respect, you know.
However, on the other hand
being a waiter, nobody goes like this to me.
Oh, yeah, but that's one in a million.
- No big deal. - One time, you know?
Of course, as a cab driver, I can...
I don't have to dress up like this.
I mean, uh... I can wear what I want, shave when I want.
- Yeah, and you hate shaving. - That's right.
Besides, you look pretty fruity...
Of course, the hours are really much better here, you know.
I get to go home at midnight, and I sleep at night.
[all groaning]
But of course, you know, as a cab driver, my time is my own.
I mean, I feel like working, I work.
I don't feel like working, I don't work.
- That's great. - That's right.
- Exactly why I took the job... - You know something?
I do get great gourmet meals here free.
- Yeah. - All right, so...
But you know, the great thing about being a cab driver?
You can be yourself.
I mean, you don't have to smile at everybody.
All they get is the back of my head.
What I do with my face is my own business.
[all talking at once]
So, you see what I mean?
I mean, both have their advantages,
both have their disadvantages.
See what I mean?
Yeah, but, Alex, you know, you're forgetting one thing.
What's that?
Friends.
Oh.
Yes.
You're right, Bobby.
I've made wonderful friends here at the restaurant.
- [mocking laughter] - Joker!
You see, so I say to myself, what's it going to be?
Waiter...
cab driver.
Waiter...
cab driver...
Alex, thank you. Everything was excellent.
This is for you.
Wow! A $20 tip.
This is very depressing.
It's okay, Alex. We understand.
No, because I just decided.
I'm a cab driver.
[cheering, laughing]
[Bobby] Cabby Alex!
They love the appetizer.
LOUIE [over dispatch] Just remember, Alex.
This is your first night back.
Don't pick up anybody who looks suspicious.
Now, listen, Louie, it's not going to work that way.
I'm going to drive the way I always drive.
Anybody who flags me, I'm going to pick them up.
Anywhere they want to go, that's fine.
I mean, I'm going to go crazy if I spend my life
trying to figure out who's safe, who isn't safe.
Look, it's a dangerous business.
I'll just have to live with it, okay?
Okay.
Sorry, off duty.
Aw, what the heck.
Might as well take a chance.
[theme music playing]
[woman] Night, Mr. Walters.
[grunts]