[mellow instrumental music]
♪♪
We're looking for Louie De Palma.
- Well, we got one, but ours is in the men's room.
Can I help you?
- Yeah. We're with the Immigration Department.
- Oh?
- We're trying to find a Latka Gravas.
- A Latka Gravas?
Do you mind if I see your identification?
Thank you.
I never heard of him.
- Gentlemen, we're going to grab a cup of coffee.
We'll be back in a few minutes to see Mr. De Palma.
- Fine.
Latka!
Get out of there.
Latka.
What do those men from the Immigration Department
want to see you for?
- They send letter.
- Let me see.
Yeah, it's from the Immigration Department.
Latka, how long ago did you get this?
- Two weeks.
- How come you didn't have any of us
translate it for you?
- Did it myself.
- How far did you get?
- "Dear Allen."
- That's "alien."
- Latka's student visa ran out a month ago.
Listen to this.
"If you do not contact this office by"--
that's four days ago--
"A warrant will be issued for your arrest."
- Uh-oh.
- Latka, those men were here today to arrest you.
- What means "arrest"?
- Prison.
Uh...behind bars.
Jail.
Police.
- Oh, no...
[speaks native language]
- Latka, Latka, Latka, sit down.
Just sit down.
Latka, L-- do you have your papers?
- Papers? - Papers.
- Zigzags?
- No.
- You know, Latka, you're in real trouble.
- Hey, hey, hey, what's the big deal?
The worst thing that can happen is,
they send you back where you came from.
- You ever see any of the letters
Latka gets from his homeland?
They have postage stamps that honor barbed wire.
- Okay, you bozos.
I cleaned all your filthy graffiti
off the walls of the can.
And I want you to know what you wrote about me
in there was disgusting.
Some of it ain't even true.
- You should see what's written about you
on the walls of the ladies' room.
- I know what it says in there.
I wrote it.
- Hey, Louie, Louie, a couple of guys--
a couple of guys came in here looking for Latka.
They said they're going to come back and talk to you.
- What do they want Latka for?
- They want to arrest him as an illegal alien.
- So why didn't you just give him to them?
Do I have to do everything around here?
- What?
- Louie, we've got to help Latka.
This is very serious.
Serious? What's serious?
- Hey, Louie, you're not gonna turn him in, are you?
- Well, I ain't lying to no feds.
I can't do it.
I won't do it.
You can get into too much trouble doing that.
Those guys scare me.
- Louie, this is Latka's life we're talking about here.
If we don't help the guy, we may lose him.
- So?
- Oh, come on, Louie.
I don't want to embarrass you,
but if it's anybody you sort of love, it's Latka.
- Hey, John, it's not going to work.
You're laying it on a little thick.
- No, he's not.
Latka's the poodle I never had.
Bring on those cops!
[cheering]
- Get Latka outside.
- Come on, Latka. Under the cab.
- Hey, they're coming.
- All right, all right.
Just be normal. Be normal.
- I don't think this is a full deck.
- Doesn't make any difference. They'll never know.
- Officer!
- They like to be called officers.
- Did Mr. De Palma come back?
- Ah, yes, sir. Right there.
- Are you Louie De Palma?
- Yes, I am.
- We're investigators from the Department
of Immigration and Naturalization.
- He's under that cab.
- Louie!
- You swine!
- Mr. Gravas?
Come out, please.
- Taxi!
Fifth Avenue and...
[screams]
- I don't know that intersection.
- Hello.
- Oh, hi, Latka.
We've been looking all over town for you.
Have you been back there the whole time?
- [speaking native language]
- Latka, now listen to me good,
because I've been thinking about this.
I think you're just making things worse by running.
- [speaking native language]
- Who told you that?
- [speaking native language]
- No, I think it's best that you turn yourself in.
- [speaking native language]
- Well, we'll try to find a good lawyer
for you that can help.
- [speaking native language]
- I know, I wish there was some other way,
but I can't think of any.
- Well, Latka need...
"Woman."
- Yeah, sure, that'll take your mind off
your troubles for a while, but, uh...
- No, no. Latka need woman to...
eh...
to...marry.
To marry.
- Oh, I see.
Yeah, if you marry an American woman,
they won't deport you.
- You take tongue right out of my mouth.
- So all we have to do is find a woman, right?
You got any ideas?
- Phyllis George.
- Right. Phyllis George.
[laughs]
- Good morning, everybody.
Hey, it's my pal Latka!
Hey, I knew you'd get away, buddy!
That's why I was buying you time when the feds came in.
We really put one over on them, didn't we, pal?
Hey, Latka...
When's the last time I gave you money?
A long time, huh?
How about if I--
if I give you a buck, huh?
You like that?
You want to play hardball, huh?
Well, how about two bucks?
How did you like that?
Money talks, boys...
[yells]
What, are you crazy?
- Kind of wonderful, isn't it?
It never occurred to him to just drop it.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Elaine. - Hi, Elaine.
How you doing? - How you doing?
- Elaine?
Elaine?
- Yeah?
- Oh, Elaine...
Oh, Elaine...
[speaking native language]
- Oh...
That's the sweetest thing anybody ever said to me.
I think.
Hey, you want to tell me what's going on here?
- Well, Elaine, you were just proposed to.
- Aw.
- No, really, they won't send Latka out of the country
if he marries an American citizen.
- Yeah, Elaine, what do you think?
- Are you guys serious? Ooh!
- Hey, come on, we know how you feel, but look at it this way,
it wouldn't have to be like a real marriage.
Just a paper marriage.
- Right.
- You could get divorced soon after.
- Right.
- I mean, you don't have to sleep with him
or anything like that.
- Who asked you?
- Latka, believe me, I am very, very flattered,
but I'm sorry.
I can't marry you.
- Please? - I'm sorry.
- Please, please?
- N-o.
- Oh, boy, we will be so happy.
- No. N-o spells "no."
- Oh, shup.
- Hey, everybody!
I'd like you to meet a new friend of mine,
Vivian Harrow.
[murmuring]
Vivian has agreed to marry Latka.
- Hey, that's great!
- This one...
I found her...
- Alex! - What?
- You can't let Latka just marry this hooker.
- She's not a hooker.
She's a call girl.
Look, I don't like it either,
but it might be our only hope.
Look, it's temporary.
- What day is good for you, Vivian?
- Well, I got part of Thursday afternoon open.
- Okay, Thursday it is. Thursday.
- Okay, Thursday.
- Okay, but remember.
You said 15 minutes, I'm gone.
I never have to see the guy again,
and no strings attached.
- Right. No strings. Come here. Latka?
I want you to meet Vivian.
She's agreed to be your bride.
- How do you do?
I love you.
- Latka, talk to me.
Latka?
Latka, I'll make you talk to me.
I'll keep saying your name until you talk to me.
Latka, Latka... Latka! Latka! Latka!
Latka! Latka! Latka! Latka...
- Louie! Louie! Louie, Louie! Louie...
Louie, pull yourself together.
- I don't understand why he won't forgive me.
All I did was turn him in.
- Hey, Latka, the big day, huh?
- Hey, John, you're a married man.
Why don't you give Latka some tips?
- Yeah, yeah, go to John.
- Well, uh, Latka,
I think the most important thing in any marriage
is communication.
- [speaking native language]
- But it's not absolutely necessary.
- [chuckles]
- Hey, this is gonna be a weird wedding.
The line to kiss the bride could take a while.
- I hear they asked the vice squad to give the bride away.
- Would you guys just cut it out?
I mean, just kindly cut it out.
I mean, we could try
to treat this like a wedding, couldn't we?
You know, instead of all these locker room jokes,
I think we should consider Latka's feelings.
It's not a joke to him.
- I love her.
- See?
So I don't know about the rest of you,
but believe me, I'm going to try to do the most I can
to make this the best wedding two kids have ever had.
- She's real interesting, this one.
[laughter]
Hi, Latka.
- Hello, Vivian.
- Vivian!
Um, how about dressing up for the wedding?
- What do you think? I plan to.
- Oh, you're gonna wear a white dress?
- A white halter.
- How about wearing my wedding gown?
- Oh, sure, honey.
I've dressed up as everything from Pocahontas to Darth Vader.
You want me in a bridal gown?
You got it.
- Okay, great.
Now all we need is a minister.
- Hey, there's a minister that hangs around down at Mario's.
I'll go and see if he'll perform the ceremony for us, all right?
- Oh, Bobby, thanks.
- Good, Bobby, good.
- We could get flowers...
- Oh! Excuse me, Immigration Officer.
I'm trying to get out of your way,
Immigration Officers.
- Hey, Bobby. Bobby. That's all right.
You don't have to do that.
Latka's going to be okay now.
Our Latka here is marrying an American citizen.
- It's not okay if he's only doing it
to stay in this country.
It's got to be a real marriage.
- Oh, of course, it's a real marriage.
- I'm afraid we'll have to check that out.
Mr. Gravas, we're going to have to question you.
How long ago did you meet this woman you're going to marry?
- "How...
"How...
How..."
- Can anybody else answer for him?
I'm up for retirement in two years.
- Yeah, I can.
- No, no, let me. - No, I will.
- No, I want to do it.
- Louie, I think it's best that I do.
- Mr. Richards?
- All right, Mr. De Palma, let's have it straight.
'Cause if you're lying to me, you're committing a crime.
Is this a legitimate marriage?
Of course it's legitimate.
It's love, I tell you.
Latka's in love with this girl,
and nothing can change his mind.
Nobody could talk to the guy.
I tried to talk him out of it.
I said, "Latka, she's from the other side of the tracks.
"She's classy, and you're just a grease monkey.
It'll never work out."
But he doesn't care,
because it's love.
Her family is totally against it.
They threatened to disown her.
In fact, they even went so far as to offer Latka $1,000
to leave their daughter alone,
but he wouldn't take it.
And if that isn't love,
then I don't know what is, Officer.
- Thanks for your time, gentlemen.
- Not at all.
- Whoa!
[shouting]
- I don't want none of that stuff!
No!
Drivers touching me?
I don't want nobody touching me,
except him.
- Aw...
- Hey, Louie,
that was a very nice story you made up.
You know that?
- You mean about the family
offering money to give up the girl?
- Yes. - I didn't make that up.
That happened to me five years ago.
- Really? That surprises me, Louie.
- Except I changed two things.
The parents only offered me a lousy 50 bucks.
- What was the other thing?
- I took it.
[all murmuring]
- Okay, everybody, let's take our seats now.
Come on, just find a seat anywhere.
Look, the bride's people on one side,
the groom's people on the other.
I know, it makes no difference. Just sit down.
Okay, and stay there.
- I'm gonna go check on the bride, okay?
- Good, good. - Latka, you ready?
- All right, Latka? Listen.
You're each going to come down from over there, all right?
- Hey, everybody.
This is Reverend Jim, uh... Jim...
That's it.
Just, uh... Reverend Jim.
Uh, uh, well, um...
He's going to perform the ceremony for us.
Reverend Jim, I'm Cabby Alex.
Listen, I don't want to be impolite,
but you are a minister, aren't you?
- Certainly.
I was ordained in '68-- Church of the Peaceful.
The church was investigated and cleared completely.
- Cleared of what?
- Why go into it?
It doesn't even exist anymore.
But I assure you, I'm a minister recognized by the state.
Now, does anybody have a drink around here?
- Reverend Jim.
Reverend Jim, look,
we'd like the ceremony to be just as brief as possible, okay?
- I'll do my best,
but I'm kind of out of practice at weddings.
- How long has it been since you done one?
- Always.
This is my first.
- Well, we'll try to be gentle.
Thank you.
- Okay, she's ready.
- Oh, good. - Latka, you ready?
- You know, it's too bad we don't have any music.
- Well, we could always...
[tuneless plucking]
[groaning]
Hey, Louie...
Hey, you know--
- Don't give me no guff.
- Geez!
- My mother paid good money for these lessons.
I thought Latka should have some music for his nuptials.
[playing simple melody]
♪♪
[murmuring]
- Wow!
- Oh, she's beautiful.
- Thank you.
[plays off-key]
- Louie.
- You are very pretty.
- Thank you, Latka.
- Um...
We're gathered here today
to join these two people in marriage.
The question often asked in our time is: why marriage?
The answer is hard to see,
but as obvious as a heartbeat to feel.
We marry to have a friend, a lover.
We marry to deny
solitude's cold hands on us.
We marry because after all the other, uh...
alternatives have been explored,
we still want to and need to and must.
I bet you all thought I was going to screw up,
didn't you?
Does the couple have anything to say?
- Oh, yeah, um...
Latka wanted me to read you something.
He stayed up all night going through his dictionary
trying to translate what he wanted to say to you.
So here it is.
"Even though we just recently have been formally introduced,
"somehow my mind tells me
that you will always be a tart to me."
- "A part of me."
"And I know, even though we not speak same language,
we have the same language of the heart."
Latka...
Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
- [speaking in native language]
- He does.
He does.
- And do you, Vivian, take this man
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
- [repeating Latka's response]
- Um...yep.
- This is heavy.
- If no man here has any reason
why these two should not be married,
by the power invested in me, I do pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Thank you very much.
[applause]
We will love forever.
- You bet, honey.
Um, look, I got to go.
Um...
I got an appointment over at the Hilton I'm late for.
It was fun, huh?
- Yeah.
- Thanks, guys.
- Here, Latka.
- Latka, don't take it so bad, huh?
- Yeah, don't worry, Latka.
There'll be somebody else. You'll see.
- I said we shouldn't have done this.
- Wait, Latka wants to say something.
What is it, Latka?
- No honeymoon?
- No honeymoon.
- Boy, America's a tough town.
- Hi, Latka.
What did you do today?
- Oh, uh, meet girl.
Marry her.
Uh, she leave me.
It was fun.
- Night, Mr. Walters.
- [grunts]