1 00:00:02,104 --> 00:00:05,063 [mellow instrumental music] 2 00:00:05,107 --> 00:00:13,028 ♪♪ 3 00:00:59,987 --> 00:01:02,077 We're looking for Louie De Palma. 4 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:04,557 - Well, we got one, but ours is in the men's room. 5 00:01:04,601 --> 00:01:06,037 Can I help you? 6 00:01:06,081 --> 00:01:08,300 - Yeah. We're with the Immigration Department. 7 00:01:08,344 --> 00:01:09,475 - Oh? 8 00:01:09,519 --> 00:01:11,608 - We're trying to find a Latka Gravas. 9 00:01:11,651 --> 00:01:13,392 - A Latka Gravas? 10 00:01:13,435 --> 00:01:17,135 Do you mind if I see your identification? 11 00:01:17,179 --> 00:01:18,397 Thank you. 12 00:01:18,441 --> 00:01:21,357 I never heard of him. 13 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,402 - Gentlemen, we're going to grab a cup of coffee. 14 00:01:23,446 --> 00:01:25,883 We'll be back in a few minutes to see Mr. De Palma. 15 00:01:25,926 --> 00:01:27,319 - Fine. 16 00:01:29,191 --> 00:01:30,366 Latka! 17 00:01:30,409 --> 00:01:31,584 Get out of there. 18 00:01:31,628 --> 00:01:34,326 Latka. 19 00:01:34,369 --> 00:01:36,154 What do those men from the Immigration Department 20 00:01:36,198 --> 00:01:37,155 want to see you for? 21 00:01:37,199 --> 00:01:38,417 - They send letter. 22 00:01:38,461 --> 00:01:40,506 - Let me see. 23 00:01:40,550 --> 00:01:42,291 Yeah, it's from the Immigration Department. 24 00:01:42,334 --> 00:01:44,467 Latka, how long ago did you get this? 25 00:01:44,510 --> 00:01:46,295 - Two weeks. 26 00:01:46,338 --> 00:01:47,905 - How come you didn't have any of us 27 00:01:47,948 --> 00:01:49,254 translate it for you? 28 00:01:49,298 --> 00:01:50,342 - Did it myself. 29 00:01:50,386 --> 00:01:51,474 - How far did you get? 30 00:01:51,517 --> 00:01:53,040 - "Dear Allen." 31 00:01:53,084 --> 00:01:54,607 - That's "alien." 32 00:01:57,610 --> 00:01:59,743 - Latka's student visa ran out a month ago. 33 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,310 Listen to this. 34 00:02:01,353 --> 00:02:03,355 "If you do not contact this office by"-- 35 00:02:03,399 --> 00:02:04,748 that's four days ago-- 36 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,706 "A warrant will be issued for your arrest." 37 00:02:06,750 --> 00:02:08,316 - Uh-oh. 38 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,580 - Latka, those men were here today to arrest you. 39 00:02:10,623 --> 00:02:12,234 - What means "arrest"? 40 00:02:12,277 --> 00:02:13,800 - Prison. 41 00:02:13,844 --> 00:02:16,455 Uh...behind bars. 42 00:02:16,499 --> 00:02:18,370 Jail. 43 00:02:18,414 --> 00:02:19,589 Police. 44 00:02:19,632 --> 00:02:20,590 - Oh, no... 45 00:02:20,633 --> 00:02:21,591 [speaks native language] 46 00:02:21,634 --> 00:02:23,158 - Latka, Latka, Latka, sit down. 47 00:02:23,201 --> 00:02:24,376 Just sit down. 48 00:02:24,420 --> 00:02:26,248 Latka, L-- do you have your papers? 49 00:02:26,291 --> 00:02:27,727 - Papers? - Papers. 50 00:02:27,771 --> 00:02:29,860 - Zigzags? 51 00:02:29,903 --> 00:02:33,211 - No. 52 00:02:33,255 --> 00:02:35,257 - You know, Latka, you're in real trouble. 53 00:02:35,300 --> 00:02:37,389 - Hey, hey, hey, what's the big deal? 54 00:02:37,433 --> 00:02:38,521 The worst thing that can happen is, 55 00:02:38,564 --> 00:02:40,523 they send you back where you came from. 56 00:02:40,566 --> 00:02:42,133 - You ever see any of the letters 57 00:02:42,177 --> 00:02:43,700 Latka gets from his homeland? 58 00:02:43,743 --> 00:02:47,704 They have postage stamps that honor barbed wire. 59 00:02:47,747 --> 00:02:50,097 - Okay, you bozos. 60 00:02:50,141 --> 00:02:52,056 I cleaned all your filthy graffiti 61 00:02:52,099 --> 00:02:53,492 off the walls of the can. 62 00:02:53,536 --> 00:02:55,973 And I want you to know what you wrote about me 63 00:02:56,016 --> 00:02:58,367 in there was disgusting. 64 00:02:58,410 --> 00:03:01,718 Some of it ain't even true. 65 00:03:01,761 --> 00:03:03,328 - You should see what's written about you 66 00:03:03,372 --> 00:03:05,287 on the walls of the ladies' room. 67 00:03:05,330 --> 00:03:07,376 - I know what it says in there. 68 00:03:07,419 --> 00:03:09,247 I wrote it. 69 00:03:10,596 --> 00:03:13,643 - Hey, Louie, Louie, a couple of guys-- 70 00:03:13,686 --> 00:03:15,471 a couple of guys came in here looking for Latka. 71 00:03:15,514 --> 00:03:17,516 They said they're going to come back and talk to you. 72 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:19,344 - What do they want Latka for? 73 00:03:19,388 --> 00:03:21,346 - They want to arrest him as an illegal alien. 74 00:03:21,390 --> 00:03:23,130 - So why didn't you just give him to them? 75 00:03:23,174 --> 00:03:24,610 Do I have to do everything around here? 76 00:03:24,654 --> 00:03:25,829 - What? 77 00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,178 - Louie, we've got to help Latka. 78 00:03:27,222 --> 00:03:28,614 This is very serious. 79 00:03:28,658 --> 00:03:30,312 Serious? What's serious? 80 00:03:30,355 --> 00:03:31,617 - Hey, Louie, you're not gonna turn him in, are you? 81 00:03:31,661 --> 00:03:33,924 - Well, I ain't lying to no feds. 82 00:03:33,967 --> 00:03:35,447 I can't do it. 83 00:03:35,491 --> 00:03:37,188 I won't do it. 84 00:03:37,231 --> 00:03:38,929 You can get into too much trouble doing that. 85 00:03:38,972 --> 00:03:40,539 Those guys scare me. 86 00:03:40,582 --> 00:03:42,759 - Louie, this is Latka's life we're talking about here. 87 00:03:42,802 --> 00:03:45,457 If we don't help the guy, we may lose him. 88 00:03:45,501 --> 00:03:46,632 - So? 89 00:03:46,676 --> 00:03:47,851 - Oh, come on, Louie. 90 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,374 I don't want to embarrass you, 91 00:03:49,418 --> 00:03:53,509 but if it's anybody you sort of love, it's Latka. 92 00:03:53,552 --> 00:03:55,337 - Hey, John, it's not going to work. 93 00:03:55,380 --> 00:03:56,990 You're laying it on a little thick. 94 00:03:57,034 --> 00:03:59,166 - No, he's not. 95 00:04:01,168 --> 00:04:04,084 Latka's the poodle I never had. 96 00:04:04,128 --> 00:04:06,086 Bring on those cops! 97 00:04:06,130 --> 00:04:07,697 [cheering] 98 00:04:07,740 --> 00:04:08,959 - Get Latka outside. 99 00:04:09,002 --> 00:04:10,569 - Come on, Latka. Under the cab. 100 00:04:10,613 --> 00:04:11,570 - Hey, they're coming. 101 00:04:11,614 --> 00:04:12,789 - All right, all right. 102 00:04:12,832 --> 00:04:14,486 Just be normal. Be normal. 103 00:04:14,530 --> 00:04:16,575 - I don't think this is a full deck. 104 00:04:16,618 --> 00:04:18,097 - Doesn't make any difference. They'll never know. 105 00:04:18,142 --> 00:04:19,099 They'll never know. 106 00:04:19,143 --> 00:04:21,928 - Officer! 107 00:04:21,972 --> 00:04:24,191 - They like to be called officers. 108 00:04:24,235 --> 00:04:26,063 - Did Mr. De Palma come back? 109 00:04:26,106 --> 00:04:27,891 - Ah, yes, sir. Right there. 110 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,632 - Are you Louie De Palma? 111 00:04:29,675 --> 00:04:31,242 - Yes, I am. 112 00:04:31,286 --> 00:04:32,939 - We're investigators from the Department 113 00:04:32,983 --> 00:04:35,333 of Immigration and Naturalization. 114 00:04:35,377 --> 00:04:36,595 - He's under that cab. 115 00:04:36,639 --> 00:04:37,596 - Louie! 116 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,119 - You swine! 117 00:04:40,730 --> 00:04:43,341 - Mr. Gravas? 118 00:04:43,385 --> 00:04:45,343 Come out, please. 119 00:05:01,620 --> 00:05:03,274 - Taxi! 120 00:05:09,802 --> 00:05:11,413 Fifth Avenue and... 121 00:05:11,456 --> 00:05:12,805 [screams] 122 00:05:12,849 --> 00:05:15,068 - I don't know that intersection. 123 00:05:20,596 --> 00:05:21,553 - Hello. 124 00:05:21,597 --> 00:05:22,554 - Oh, hi, Latka. 125 00:05:22,597 --> 00:05:24,121 We've been looking all over town for you. 126 00:05:24,164 --> 00:05:25,601 Have you been back there the whole time? 127 00:05:25,644 --> 00:05:28,255 - [speaking native language] 128 00:05:28,299 --> 00:05:29,431 - Latka, now listen to me good, 129 00:05:29,474 --> 00:05:31,389 because I've been thinking about this. 130 00:05:31,433 --> 00:05:33,391 I think you're just making things worse by running. 131 00:05:33,435 --> 00:05:35,132 - [speaking native language] 132 00:05:35,174 --> 00:05:36,133 - Who told you that? 133 00:05:36,176 --> 00:05:37,482 - [speaking native language] 134 00:05:37,526 --> 00:05:39,222 - No, I think it's best that you turn yourself in. 135 00:05:39,266 --> 00:05:40,442 - [speaking native language] 136 00:05:40,485 --> 00:05:41,878 - Well, we'll try to find a good lawyer 137 00:05:41,921 --> 00:05:42,966 for you that can help. 138 00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:44,881 - [speaking native language] 139 00:05:44,924 --> 00:05:46,491 - I know, I wish there was some other way, 140 00:05:46,535 --> 00:05:47,536 but I can't think of any. 141 00:05:47,579 --> 00:05:49,451 - Well, Latka need... 142 00:05:50,669 --> 00:05:52,671 "Woman." 143 00:05:52,715 --> 00:05:54,238 - Yeah, sure, that'll take your mind off 144 00:05:54,281 --> 00:05:55,674 your troubles for a while, but, uh... 145 00:05:55,718 --> 00:05:58,503 - No, no. Latka need woman to... 146 00:05:58,547 --> 00:05:59,939 eh... 147 00:05:59,983 --> 00:06:01,811 to...marry. 148 00:06:01,854 --> 00:06:04,509 To marry. 149 00:06:04,553 --> 00:06:06,468 - Oh, I see. 150 00:06:06,511 --> 00:06:07,730 Yeah, if you marry an American woman, 151 00:06:07,773 --> 00:06:09,166 they won't deport you. 152 00:06:09,209 --> 00:06:13,475 - You take tongue right out of my mouth. 153 00:06:13,518 --> 00:06:16,478 - So all we have to do is find a woman, right? 154 00:06:16,521 --> 00:06:17,435 You got any ideas? 155 00:06:17,479 --> 00:06:19,568 - Phyllis George. 156 00:06:22,658 --> 00:06:24,660 - Right. Phyllis George. 157 00:06:24,703 --> 00:06:26,313 [laughs] 158 00:06:41,198 --> 00:06:43,374 - Good morning, everybody. 159 00:06:46,551 --> 00:06:48,466 Hey, it's my pal Latka! 160 00:06:48,510 --> 00:06:50,424 Hey, I knew you'd get away, buddy! 161 00:06:50,468 --> 00:06:54,298 That's why I was buying you time when the feds came in. 162 00:06:54,341 --> 00:06:57,562 We really put one over on them, didn't we, pal? 163 00:07:00,043 --> 00:07:01,697 Hey, Latka... 164 00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:03,525 When's the last time I gave you money? 165 00:07:03,568 --> 00:07:05,831 A long time, huh? 166 00:07:05,875 --> 00:07:07,790 How about if I-- 167 00:07:07,833 --> 00:07:09,574 if I give you a buck, huh? 168 00:07:09,618 --> 00:07:12,577 You like that? 169 00:07:12,621 --> 00:07:15,667 You want to play hardball, huh? 170 00:07:15,711 --> 00:07:17,713 Well, how about two bucks? 171 00:07:17,756 --> 00:07:18,975 How did you like that? 172 00:07:19,018 --> 00:07:21,368 Money talks, boys... 173 00:07:21,412 --> 00:07:22,500 [yells] 174 00:07:22,544 --> 00:07:24,502 What, are you crazy? 175 00:07:24,546 --> 00:07:25,808 - Kind of wonderful, isn't it? 176 00:07:25,851 --> 00:07:27,766 It never occurred to him to just drop it. 177 00:07:29,725 --> 00:07:30,508 - Hi, guys. 178 00:07:30,552 --> 00:07:31,727 - Hey, Elaine. - Hi, Elaine. 179 00:07:31,770 --> 00:07:35,295 How you doing? - How you doing? 180 00:07:35,339 --> 00:07:37,210 - Elaine? 181 00:07:37,254 --> 00:07:38,647 Elaine? 182 00:07:42,085 --> 00:07:43,042 Elaine? 183 00:07:43,086 --> 00:07:44,957 - Yeah? 184 00:07:52,661 --> 00:07:54,793 - Oh, Elaine... 185 00:07:55,968 --> 00:07:59,102 Oh, Elaine... 186 00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:02,409 [speaking native language] 187 00:08:13,333 --> 00:08:14,683 - Oh... 188 00:08:14,726 --> 00:08:18,556 That's the sweetest thing anybody ever said to me. 189 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,297 I think. 190 00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:22,517 Hey, you want to tell me what's going on here? 191 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:26,216 - Well, Elaine, you were just proposed to. 192 00:08:26,259 --> 00:08:27,696 - Aw. 193 00:08:27,739 --> 00:08:29,741 - No, really, they won't send Latka out of the country 194 00:08:29,785 --> 00:08:31,438 if he marries an American citizen. 195 00:08:31,482 --> 00:08:33,092 - Yeah, Elaine, what do you think? 196 00:08:33,136 --> 00:08:34,746 - Are you guys serious? Ooh! 197 00:08:34,790 --> 00:08:37,967 - Hey, come on, we know how you feel, but look at it this way, 198 00:08:38,010 --> 00:08:39,838 it wouldn't have to be like a real marriage. 199 00:08:39,881 --> 00:08:41,187 Just a paper marriage. 200 00:08:41,231 --> 00:08:42,188 - Right. 201 00:08:42,232 --> 00:08:43,449 - You could get divorced soon after. 202 00:08:43,494 --> 00:08:44,669 - Right. 203 00:08:44,713 --> 00:08:45,888 - I mean, you don't have to sleep with him 204 00:08:45,930 --> 00:08:46,889 or anything like that. 205 00:08:46,932 --> 00:08:48,238 - Who asked you? 206 00:08:50,936 --> 00:08:54,853 - Latka, believe me, I am very, very flattered, 207 00:08:54,897 --> 00:08:55,680 but I'm sorry. 208 00:08:55,724 --> 00:08:56,855 I can't marry you. 209 00:08:56,899 --> 00:08:58,727 - Please? - I'm sorry. 210 00:08:58,770 --> 00:08:59,728 - Please, please? 211 00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:01,164 - N-o. 212 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,645 - Oh, boy, we will be so happy. 213 00:09:03,688 --> 00:09:06,343 - No. N-o spells "no." 214 00:09:06,386 --> 00:09:07,649 - Oh, shup. 215 00:09:09,651 --> 00:09:11,130 - Hey, everybody! 216 00:09:11,174 --> 00:09:12,697 I'd like you to meet a new friend of mine, 217 00:09:12,741 --> 00:09:13,872 Vivian Harrow. 218 00:09:13,916 --> 00:09:15,308 [murmuring] 219 00:09:15,352 --> 00:09:16,832 Vivian has agreed to marry Latka. 220 00:09:16,875 --> 00:09:18,224 - Hey, that's great! 221 00:09:18,268 --> 00:09:19,399 - This one... 222 00:09:19,443 --> 00:09:20,444 I found her... 223 00:09:20,487 --> 00:09:21,793 - Alex! - What? 224 00:09:21,837 --> 00:09:24,187 - You can't let Latka just marry this hooker. 225 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:25,449 - She's not a hooker. 226 00:09:25,492 --> 00:09:26,319 She's a call girl. 227 00:09:26,363 --> 00:09:27,799 Look, I don't like it either, 228 00:09:27,843 --> 00:09:29,714 but it might be our only hope. 229 00:09:29,758 --> 00:09:30,672 Look, it's temporary. 230 00:09:30,715 --> 00:09:32,499 - What day is good for you, Vivian? 231 00:09:32,543 --> 00:09:35,720 - Well, I got part of Thursday afternoon open. 232 00:09:35,764 --> 00:09:37,461 - Okay, Thursday it is. Thursday. 233 00:09:37,504 --> 00:09:38,462 - Okay, Thursday. 234 00:09:38,505 --> 00:09:39,768 - Okay, but remember. 235 00:09:39,811 --> 00:09:42,118 You said 15 minutes, I'm gone. 236 00:09:42,161 --> 00:09:43,902 I never have to see the guy again, 237 00:09:43,946 --> 00:09:45,077 and no strings attached. 238 00:09:45,121 --> 00:09:47,210 - Right. No strings. Come here. Latka? 239 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,646 I want you to meet Vivian. 240 00:09:48,690 --> 00:09:50,909 She's agreed to be your bride. 241 00:09:52,824 --> 00:09:54,391 - How do you do? 242 00:09:54,434 --> 00:09:56,523 I love you. 243 00:10:20,112 --> 00:10:23,289 - Latka, talk to me. 244 00:10:23,333 --> 00:10:24,900 Latka? 245 00:10:27,903 --> 00:10:30,514 Latka, I'll make you talk to me. 246 00:10:30,557 --> 00:10:33,473 I'll keep saying your name until you talk to me. 247 00:10:33,517 --> 00:10:36,433 Latka, Latka... Latka! Latka! Latka! 248 00:10:36,476 --> 00:10:38,000 Latka! Latka! Latka! Latka... 249 00:10:38,043 --> 00:10:41,917 - Louie! Louie! Louie, Louie! Louie... 250 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,962 Louie, pull yourself together. 251 00:10:44,006 --> 00:10:46,791 - I don't understand why he won't forgive me. 252 00:10:46,835 --> 00:10:49,141 All I did was turn him in. 253 00:10:52,014 --> 00:10:55,234 - Hey, Latka, the big day, huh? 254 00:10:55,278 --> 00:10:56,583 - Hey, John, you're a married man. 255 00:10:56,627 --> 00:10:57,976 Why don't you give Latka some tips? 256 00:10:58,020 --> 00:10:58,716 - Yeah, yeah, go to John. 257 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,110 - Well, uh, Latka, 258 00:11:01,153 --> 00:11:03,503 I think the most important thing in any marriage 259 00:11:03,547 --> 00:11:04,809 is communication. 260 00:11:04,853 --> 00:11:06,985 - [speaking native language] 261 00:11:08,595 --> 00:11:11,294 - But it's not absolutely necessary. 262 00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:12,382 - [chuckles] 263 00:11:12,425 --> 00:11:14,210 - Hey, this is gonna be a weird wedding. 264 00:11:14,253 --> 00:11:16,778 The line to kiss the bride could take a while. 265 00:11:16,821 --> 00:11:20,956 - I hear they asked the vice squad to give the bride away. 266 00:11:20,999 --> 00:11:22,740 - Would you guys just cut it out? 267 00:11:22,784 --> 00:11:24,786 I mean, just kindly cut it out. 268 00:11:24,829 --> 00:11:26,744 I mean, we could try 269 00:11:26,788 --> 00:11:28,703 to treat this like a wedding, couldn't we? 270 00:11:28,746 --> 00:11:31,227 You know, instead of all these locker room jokes, 271 00:11:31,270 --> 00:11:33,882 I think we should consider Latka's feelings. 272 00:11:33,925 --> 00:11:36,362 It's not a joke to him. 273 00:11:36,406 --> 00:11:38,451 - I love her. 274 00:11:38,495 --> 00:11:39,930 - See? 275 00:11:39,975 --> 00:11:41,803 So I don't know about the rest of you, 276 00:11:41,846 --> 00:11:44,370 but believe me, I'm going to try to do the most I can 277 00:11:44,414 --> 00:11:46,503 to make this the best wedding two kids have ever had. 278 00:11:46,546 --> 00:11:48,679 - She's real interesting, this one. 279 00:11:48,723 --> 00:11:51,638 [laughter] 280 00:11:51,682 --> 00:11:53,510 Hi, Latka. 281 00:11:53,553 --> 00:11:54,990 - Hello, Vivian. 282 00:12:01,039 --> 00:12:02,171 - Vivian! 283 00:12:02,214 --> 00:12:04,477 Um, how about dressing up for the wedding? 284 00:12:04,521 --> 00:12:05,870 - What do you think? I plan to. 285 00:12:05,914 --> 00:12:07,829 - Oh, you're gonna wear a white dress? 286 00:12:07,872 --> 00:12:10,483 - A white halter. 287 00:12:10,527 --> 00:12:12,616 - How about wearing my wedding gown? 288 00:12:12,659 --> 00:12:14,226 - Oh, sure, honey. 289 00:12:14,270 --> 00:12:18,753 I've dressed up as everything from Pocahontas to Darth Vader. 290 00:12:18,796 --> 00:12:20,319 You want me in a bridal gown? 291 00:12:20,363 --> 00:12:21,364 You got it. 292 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:22,974 - Okay, great. 293 00:12:23,018 --> 00:12:24,802 Now all we need is a minister. 294 00:12:24,846 --> 00:12:26,848 - Hey, there's a minister that hangs around down at Mario's. 295 00:12:26,891 --> 00:12:29,851 I'll go and see if he'll perform the ceremony for us, all right? 296 00:12:29,894 --> 00:12:30,895 - Oh, Bobby, thanks. 297 00:12:30,939 --> 00:12:32,810 - Good, Bobby, good. 298 00:12:32,854 --> 00:12:34,072 - We could get flowers... 299 00:12:34,116 --> 00:12:35,900 - Oh! Excuse me, Immigration Officer. 300 00:12:35,944 --> 00:12:36,901 I'm trying to get out of your way, 301 00:12:36,945 --> 00:12:38,294 Immigration Officers. 302 00:12:38,337 --> 00:12:39,817 - Hey, Bobby. Bobby. That's all right. 303 00:12:39,861 --> 00:12:41,036 You don't have to do that. 304 00:12:41,079 --> 00:12:42,298 Latka's going to be okay now. 305 00:12:42,341 --> 00:12:44,169 Our Latka here is marrying an American citizen. 306 00:12:44,213 --> 00:12:45,823 - It's not okay if he's only doing it 307 00:12:45,867 --> 00:12:47,085 to stay in this country. 308 00:12:47,129 --> 00:12:48,173 It's got to be a real marriage. 309 00:12:48,217 --> 00:12:49,740 - Oh, of course, it's a real marriage. 310 00:12:49,784 --> 00:12:51,350 - I'm afraid we'll have to check that out. 311 00:12:51,394 --> 00:12:55,093 Mr. Gravas, we're going to have to question you. 312 00:12:55,137 --> 00:12:58,531 How long ago did you meet this woman you're going to marry? 313 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,710 - "How... 314 00:13:03,754 --> 00:13:05,843 "How... 315 00:13:05,887 --> 00:13:07,062 How..." 316 00:13:07,105 --> 00:13:08,193 - Can anybody else answer for him? 317 00:13:08,237 --> 00:13:11,457 I'm up for retirement in two years. 318 00:13:11,501 --> 00:13:13,024 - Yeah, I can. 319 00:13:13,068 --> 00:13:14,069 - No, no, let me. - No, I will. 320 00:13:14,112 --> 00:13:15,505 - No, I want to do it. 321 00:13:15,548 --> 00:13:16,854 - Louie, I think it's best that I do. 322 00:13:16,898 --> 00:13:18,203 - Mr. Richards? 323 00:13:18,247 --> 00:13:20,945 - All right, Mr. De Palma, let's have it straight. 324 00:13:20,989 --> 00:13:23,948 'Cause if you're lying to me, you're committing a crime. 325 00:13:23,992 --> 00:13:25,558 Is this a legitimate marriage? 326 00:13:32,827 --> 00:13:35,177 Of course it's legitimate. 327 00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:37,788 It's love, I tell you. 328 00:13:37,832 --> 00:13:40,312 Latka's in love with this girl, 329 00:13:40,356 --> 00:13:43,011 and nothing can change his mind. 330 00:13:43,054 --> 00:13:45,055 Nobody could talk to the guy. 331 00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:47,015 I tried to talk him out of it. 332 00:13:47,058 --> 00:13:50,366 I said, "Latka, she's from the other side of the tracks. 333 00:13:50,409 --> 00:13:53,064 "She's classy, and you're just a grease monkey. 334 00:13:53,108 --> 00:13:54,239 It'll never work out." 335 00:13:54,283 --> 00:13:56,633 But he doesn't care, 336 00:13:56,676 --> 00:13:59,114 because it's love. 337 00:14:00,245 --> 00:14:02,247 Her family is totally against it. 338 00:14:02,291 --> 00:14:03,945 They threatened to disown her. 339 00:14:03,988 --> 00:14:09,820 In fact, they even went so far as to offer Latka $1,000 340 00:14:09,864 --> 00:14:11,909 to leave their daughter alone, 341 00:14:11,953 --> 00:14:13,345 but he wouldn't take it. 342 00:14:15,870 --> 00:14:18,133 And if that isn't love, 343 00:14:18,176 --> 00:14:21,049 then I don't know what is, Officer. 344 00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:25,183 - Thanks for your time, gentlemen. 345 00:14:25,227 --> 00:14:26,924 - Not at all. 346 00:14:26,968 --> 00:14:28,056 - Whoa! 347 00:14:28,099 --> 00:14:30,972 [shouting] 348 00:14:32,974 --> 00:14:35,585 - I don't want none of that stuff! 349 00:14:35,628 --> 00:14:36,760 No! 350 00:14:36,803 --> 00:14:39,328 Drivers touching me? 351 00:14:41,156 --> 00:14:44,768 I don't want nobody touching me, 352 00:14:44,811 --> 00:14:47,640 except him. 353 00:14:47,684 --> 00:14:50,121 - Aw... 354 00:14:55,170 --> 00:14:56,649 - Hey, Louie, 355 00:14:56,693 --> 00:14:59,000 that was a very nice story you made up. 356 00:14:59,043 --> 00:15:00,001 You know that? 357 00:15:00,044 --> 00:15:01,045 - You mean about the family 358 00:15:01,089 --> 00:15:02,873 offering money to give up the girl? 359 00:15:02,917 --> 00:15:04,527 - Yes. - I didn't make that up. 360 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:08,183 That happened to me five years ago. 361 00:15:08,226 --> 00:15:09,967 - Really? That surprises me, Louie. 362 00:15:10,011 --> 00:15:11,577 - Except I changed two things. 363 00:15:11,621 --> 00:15:15,973 The parents only offered me a lousy 50 bucks. 364 00:15:16,017 --> 00:15:17,279 - What was the other thing? 365 00:15:17,322 --> 00:15:19,498 - I took it. 366 00:15:19,542 --> 00:15:22,414 [all murmuring] 367 00:15:35,340 --> 00:15:38,082 - Okay, everybody, let's take our seats now. 368 00:15:38,126 --> 00:15:39,910 Come on, just find a seat anywhere. 369 00:15:39,954 --> 00:15:41,129 Look, the bride's people on one side, 370 00:15:41,172 --> 00:15:42,913 the groom's people on the other. 371 00:15:42,957 --> 00:15:44,828 I know, it makes no difference. Just sit down. 372 00:15:44,871 --> 00:15:46,047 Okay, and stay there. 373 00:15:46,090 --> 00:15:47,874 - I'm gonna go check on the bride, okay? 374 00:15:47,918 --> 00:15:49,180 - Good, good. - Latka, you ready? 375 00:15:49,224 --> 00:15:50,790 - All right, Latka? Listen. 376 00:15:50,834 --> 00:15:53,097 You're each going to come down from over there, all right? 377 00:15:57,275 --> 00:15:59,190 - Hey, everybody. 378 00:15:59,234 --> 00:16:03,107 This is Reverend Jim, uh... Jim... 379 00:16:08,895 --> 00:16:09,984 That's it. 380 00:16:10,027 --> 00:16:13,204 Just, uh... Reverend Jim. 381 00:16:13,248 --> 00:16:15,250 Uh, uh, well, um... 382 00:16:15,293 --> 00:16:18,209 He's going to perform the ceremony for us. 383 00:16:18,253 --> 00:16:21,299 Reverend Jim, I'm Cabby Alex. 384 00:16:23,171 --> 00:16:24,737 Listen, I don't want to be impolite, 385 00:16:24,781 --> 00:16:26,304 but you are a minister, aren't you? 386 00:16:26,348 --> 00:16:27,349 - Certainly. 387 00:16:27,392 --> 00:16:31,222 I was ordained in '68-- Church of the Peaceful. 388 00:16:31,266 --> 00:16:35,661 The church was investigated and cleared completely. 389 00:16:35,705 --> 00:16:37,185 - Cleared of what? 390 00:16:37,228 --> 00:16:39,883 - Why go into it? 391 00:16:41,537 --> 00:16:44,018 It doesn't even exist anymore. 392 00:16:44,061 --> 00:16:49,240 But I assure you, I'm a minister recognized by the state. 393 00:16:50,937 --> 00:16:53,766 Now, does anybody have a drink around here? 394 00:16:57,335 --> 00:16:58,597 - Reverend Jim. 395 00:16:58,641 --> 00:17:00,338 Reverend Jim, look, 396 00:17:00,382 --> 00:17:03,341 we'd like the ceremony to be just as brief as possible, okay? 397 00:17:03,385 --> 00:17:04,908 - I'll do my best, 398 00:17:04,950 --> 00:17:07,344 but I'm kind of out of practice at weddings. 399 00:17:07,389 --> 00:17:09,217 - How long has it been since you done one? 400 00:17:09,259 --> 00:17:10,348 - Always. 401 00:17:10,392 --> 00:17:13,351 This is my first. 402 00:17:13,395 --> 00:17:15,613 - Well, we'll try to be gentle. 403 00:17:15,658 --> 00:17:16,614 Thank you. 404 00:17:16,659 --> 00:17:17,877 - Okay, she's ready. 405 00:17:17,921 --> 00:17:20,662 - Oh, good. - Latka, you ready? 406 00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:23,274 - You know, it's too bad we don't have any music. 407 00:17:23,318 --> 00:17:24,883 - Well, we could always... 408 00:17:24,928 --> 00:17:27,235 [tuneless plucking] 409 00:17:27,277 --> 00:17:28,888 [groaning] 410 00:17:28,932 --> 00:17:30,107 Hey, Louie... 411 00:17:30,151 --> 00:17:31,152 Hey, you know-- 412 00:17:31,195 --> 00:17:33,502 - Don't give me no guff. 413 00:17:33,545 --> 00:17:35,069 - Geez! 414 00:17:35,112 --> 00:17:39,334 - My mother paid good money for these lessons. 415 00:17:39,377 --> 00:17:44,121 I thought Latka should have some music for his nuptials. 416 00:17:49,692 --> 00:17:52,651 [playing simple melody] 417 00:17:52,695 --> 00:18:00,703 ♪♪ 418 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:04,098 [murmuring] 419 00:18:04,141 --> 00:18:04,837 - Wow! 420 00:18:04,881 --> 00:18:07,405 - Oh, she's beautiful. 421 00:18:07,449 --> 00:18:08,885 - Thank you. 422 00:18:14,630 --> 00:18:17,111 [plays off-key] 423 00:18:47,489 --> 00:18:48,751 - Louie. 424 00:19:04,506 --> 00:19:06,508 - You are very pretty. 425 00:19:06,551 --> 00:19:10,251 - Thank you, Latka. 426 00:19:10,294 --> 00:19:12,818 - Um... 427 00:19:12,862 --> 00:19:14,951 We're gathered here today 428 00:19:14,994 --> 00:19:19,042 to join these two people in marriage. 429 00:19:20,522 --> 00:19:24,221 The question often asked in our time is: why marriage? 430 00:19:28,530 --> 00:19:31,446 The answer is hard to see, 431 00:19:31,489 --> 00:19:36,364 but as obvious as a heartbeat to feel. 432 00:19:36,407 --> 00:19:41,282 We marry to have a friend, a lover. 433 00:19:41,325 --> 00:19:43,849 We marry to deny 434 00:19:43,893 --> 00:19:48,202 solitude's cold hands on us. 435 00:19:49,986 --> 00:19:55,383 We marry because after all the other, uh... 436 00:19:55,426 --> 00:19:57,994 alternatives have been explored, 437 00:19:58,037 --> 00:20:04,130 we still want to and need to and must. 438 00:20:04,174 --> 00:20:06,481 I bet you all thought I was going to screw up, 439 00:20:06,524 --> 00:20:08,004 didn't you? 440 00:20:18,014 --> 00:20:21,235 Does the couple have anything to say? 441 00:20:22,584 --> 00:20:24,977 - Oh, yeah, um... 442 00:20:25,021 --> 00:20:27,371 Latka wanted me to read you something. 443 00:20:27,415 --> 00:20:29,417 He stayed up all night going through his dictionary 444 00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:31,549 trying to translate what he wanted to say to you. 445 00:20:31,593 --> 00:20:32,942 So here it is. 446 00:20:35,814 --> 00:20:40,428 "Even though we just recently have been formally introduced, 447 00:20:40,471 --> 00:20:42,430 "somehow my mind tells me 448 00:20:42,473 --> 00:20:44,519 that you will always be a tart to me." 449 00:20:44,562 --> 00:20:46,608 - "A part of me." 450 00:20:56,444 --> 00:20:59,316 - "A part of me." 451 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:04,408 "And I know, even though we not speak same language, 452 00:21:04,452 --> 00:21:07,803 we have the same language of the heart." 453 00:21:20,381 --> 00:21:21,599 Latka... 454 00:21:25,473 --> 00:21:29,955 Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? 455 00:21:34,003 --> 00:21:35,961 - [speaking in native language] 456 00:21:39,661 --> 00:21:41,619 - He does. 457 00:21:41,663 --> 00:21:42,577 He does. 458 00:21:48,583 --> 00:21:51,281 - And do you, Vivian, take this man 459 00:21:51,325 --> 00:21:54,806 to be your lawfully wedded husband? 460 00:21:54,850 --> 00:21:56,591 - [repeating Latka's response] 461 00:22:01,552 --> 00:22:04,294 - Um...yep. 462 00:22:04,338 --> 00:22:06,775 - This is heavy. 463 00:22:09,125 --> 00:22:12,694 - If no man here has any reason 464 00:22:12,737 --> 00:22:14,652 why these two should not be married, 465 00:22:14,696 --> 00:22:21,442 by the power invested in me, I do pronounce you man and wife. 466 00:22:21,485 --> 00:22:23,400 You may kiss the bride. 467 00:22:23,444 --> 00:22:25,663 - Thank you very much. 468 00:22:36,457 --> 00:22:39,634 [applause] 469 00:22:52,734 --> 00:22:54,605 We will love forever. 470 00:22:54,649 --> 00:22:55,563 - You bet, honey. 471 00:22:55,606 --> 00:22:58,174 Um, look, I got to go. 472 00:22:58,217 --> 00:22:59,697 Um... 473 00:22:59,741 --> 00:23:02,700 I got an appointment over at the Hilton I'm late for. 474 00:23:04,223 --> 00:23:07,270 It was fun, huh? 475 00:23:07,313 --> 00:23:08,532 - Yeah. 476 00:23:08,576 --> 00:23:10,099 - Thanks, guys. 477 00:23:13,537 --> 00:23:15,278 - Here, Latka. 478 00:23:17,628 --> 00:23:20,196 - Latka, don't take it so bad, huh? 479 00:23:20,239 --> 00:23:21,763 - Yeah, don't worry, Latka. 480 00:23:21,806 --> 00:23:23,460 There'll be somebody else. You'll see. 481 00:23:23,504 --> 00:23:24,940 - I said we shouldn't have done this. 482 00:23:24,983 --> 00:23:26,681 - Wait, Latka wants to say something. 483 00:23:26,724 --> 00:23:28,639 What is it, Latka? 484 00:23:28,683 --> 00:23:30,075 - No honeymoon? 485 00:23:32,687 --> 00:23:35,211 - No honeymoon. 486 00:23:36,691 --> 00:23:40,303 - Boy, America's a tough town. 487 00:23:52,315 --> 00:23:53,708 - Hi, Latka. 488 00:23:53,751 --> 00:23:54,709 What did you do today? 489 00:23:54,752 --> 00:23:57,189 - Oh, uh, meet girl. 490 00:23:57,233 --> 00:23:58,582 Marry her. 491 00:23:58,626 --> 00:24:00,671 Uh, she leave me. 492 00:24:00,715 --> 00:24:02,325 It was fun. 493 00:24:41,625 --> 00:24:43,540 - Night, Mr. Walters. 494 00:24:43,584 --> 00:24:44,672 - [grunts]