...like I do in my living room.
Oh.
Hey, Louie.
What table you sitting at?
- This one. - Thanks for the tip.
John, you got change for a dollar?
Sure.
You gave me a dollar ten.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Too late.
Oh, well.
Oh, no. Louie's going to play
his favorite song.
Oh, no. Every time he's in a bar.
Yeah. "The Green Berets."
Yeah.
♪ Feelings ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, feelings ♪
Why is he playing that song?
It's different.
It's not any better, but it's different.
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪
He's giving me a feeling.
♪ Feelings ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, feelings ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa... ♪
Hi. How you doing?
Terrific. Hey, you look great.
- Thanks. - How's it going, Alex?
Oh, fine, just fine.
- Okay. - I'll have a white wine.
- Okay. - Beer.
- And a bourbon and water.
- Beer, please. - Okay.
...with a twist.
Gee, I'm sorry. We're out of that.
Thank you very much.
Well, there's a man who knows what he likes.
Yeah.
♪ Feelings ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa... ♪
You know, it would be nice if one of you guys
went over there and got him out of his misery.
You okay, Alex?
- Excuse me. - I'll go with you.
No, I'm going to talk to Beverly.
- Good luck. - Thanks.
♪ Feelings... ♪
Hey, uh, Beverly... listen, I got some bad news.
I went to the doctor. He told me I only had 40 years to live.
I don't know what to do with all that time,
so would you go out with me Saturday night?
Thanks, anyway, but I can't.
It's because I was kidding around, huh?
I have this terrible habit-- I like to make girls laugh.
Kitchy-kitchy... There, I did it again. Dammit.
No, look, I really want to take you out.
What night--what night are you free?
I'm sorry, Alex. I can't.
- Why not? - Because I make it a rule
not to go out with cab drivers.
Well, that's a stupid rule.
Well, it's very important to me
to keep my personal life private, you know?
And this is a cabbie's hangout.
I mean, if I was a secretary on Wall Street,
I wouldn't go out with the stockbrokers.
If I was in a factory,
I wouldn't go out with factory workers.
If I was a nurse in a hospital,
I wouldn't go out with the sick people.
No. You mean you wouldn't go out with doctors.
Hey, I have my rules, but I'm not crazy.
♪ Feelings ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, feelings ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, fee... ♪
Hey, who killed the music?
You did.
Alex, I need... I need that song.
I'm real down.
I need that song real bad.
Louie, I'll give you a buck, you don't play that song again.
Okay.
Aw, you're better off without her.
Uh-uh. Try again.
Can I sit down?
No. It's been a rough night.
All right, all right.
As long as you're not obnoxious.
So what are you losers up to?
That was obnoxious?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Okay, okay.
I apologize.
- Whoo! - Whoo!
You bet, whoo.
That's the first time I ever apologized.
But I did it because there's something
I really have to say.
What's wrong?
I got a letter
inviting me to my 20th high school reunion
next Saturday... and I'm not going.
So what? I don't go to my high school reunions.
Who wants to sit around and watch a bunch of guys
sucking in their stomachs? What good would that do?
You don't understand.
I'd really like to go.
You see, everything was really tough for me in high school.
Everybody was crummy to me all the time.
The only thing that kept me going
was these two promises I made to myself.
One was I would get Sheila Martin to like me.
And, two, that I'd get even with everybody else.
Gee, you really had it that tough in high school?
Oh, look, it's nothing personal, but I put in 12 hours today...
Everybody used to pick on me.
I don't mean just as I passed them in the halls.
I mean, they used to line up and take turns.
I used to just stand there and wait
for the last guy to take his shot.
Yeah, we get the idea, Louie.
Yeah, and that's only the top of the iceberg.
I got stories that will tear your hearts out.
Like what?
Did I offend you in any way, Elaine?
No. I just want to hear what happened.
Louie's never opened up to us like this before.
And the world has never come to an end,
but that doesn't mean we root for it to happen.
Another beer, please.
Make it two.
There was this guy, Stanley Tarsus.
He was a really nasty, rotten person.
You know the type?
Yeah.
He used to play this one trick on me all the time
just to show that I would fall for it every time he did it.
What did he do?
Alex, you got something on your shirt.
That!
Rotten person-- Stanley Tarsus.
That ain't such a bad story.
There was this guy in my high school, Lou Vanelli--
he used to tear your chest hair out
with his bare hands.
Gee, I miss those days.
Okay, get ready to sob your spleens out.
I went to my high school senior prom alone.
The theme was "April love."
- April love? - Is for the very young.
The only reason I went to the prom
was because, even though she was with another guy,
I just wanted to see what Sheila looked like on prom night.
That's how hooked I was on her.
So I walk in,
I say hello to a few people--
"Hello, hello, hello."
I tell them my date was delayed.
She couldn't make it
until after her Broadway show's curtain came down.
I had to make up stories like that.
Aw, Louie.
If you're trying to make me feel better
how about being a little bolder?
Stop it.
So what happened then?
I kept on looking for Sheila
and this guy comes up to me--
Stanley Tarsus, you remember him?
Yeah. The nose guy.
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
He comes up to me, and he says,
"Hey, Louie, how'd you like to sit at a table
with us and Sheila?"
I smiled at him. I didn't want nothing
but to just sit where I could look at her.
So I walked through this crowded gymnasium
and I see Sheila.
She looked so beautiful.
She looked just like a beautician.
Wow!
And I could see she was smiling big.
And everybody said, "Hey, Louie,
come on over and sit next to Sheila."
And I figured, "Boy, I lucked out."
And I moved over to the other side,
and I saw they had a high chair there.
Aw.
Well, what did you do, Louie?
Man, what did you do?
I says to them, "Okay, you did it.
"You got me good.
Enjoy yourselves."
They sure took my advice.
They were still laughing when I left.
And I went home, and I swore to myself then
that one day I'd come back a big shot--
with all the money there was--
and I'd walk into one of their high school reunions
and make them all eat crackers,
if you know what I mean.
And now, 20 years later,
I'm not sure being a taxi dispatcher
is enough to do the job.
Well, why don't you just go in there and lie?
Everybody lies.
It's too big a job.
It's got to be done great.
I'm not a good enough actor.
You know, I can't believe you just said that, Louie.
It's true.
Yeah, I know, but, like, it's incredible.
It's what I was just thinking.
- What? - Okay, now,
the important thing is that they're convinced
that you turned out great, right?
- Yeah. - It's basically an acting job.
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
That would be great!
What would be great? I want great.
- Yeah? - You're kidding.
I mean, do you really think so?
Don't tease.
All right.
Let me explain one thing to start out with.
Now, I've been studying you for a long time, Louie.
And I know that, if I ever got any acting breaks,
that I'd want to use, like, a lot of things
that you have in certain roles.
I mean, you're an extraordinary character, Louie.
Yeah, so?
Sometimes, when you're yelling at me,
I can't concentrate on what you're saying
'cause what I'm concentrating on are your character traits--
you know, the way your eyes pop out,
and the way that vein stands out in your neck,
and the spit that gets in the corner of your mouth.
Yeah.
It's everything, you know?
The way you walk, the way you use your voice.
I want the part, Louie.
I want to go into that reunion
and convince them that I'm Louie De Palma.
Now, maybe I can't get any acting jobs
but, if I can pull this off,
I know I'm going in the right direction.
Now, let me do it, Louie. I want to do it.
Let me be Louie De Palma at the reunion.
It's impossible.
It's not.
It's 20 years later, right?
Everybody's changed.
I'll make my hair dark.
I grew in college.
I'm too complex a person. You can't be me.
- It won't work. - It won't work.
- It's crazy. - It's crazy.
- You can't talk like me. - You can't talk like me.
- Maybe it would work. - Maybe it would work.
My name's Louie De Palma.
May I have my tag, please?
Thanks.
Louie?
Louie De Palma?
Yeah.
George. Georgie Wilson.
George!
Gee, you've changed so much.
You look taller.
Well, yeah. It's a weird thing.
I shot up in college.
They wrote it up in all the medical journals.
Well, it's great to see you again.
Who we kidding?
It wasn't so hot the first time.
Hey, George, seen Sheila?
Sure. She's right over there.
Thanks.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Pretty tame reunion, huh?
I got a hunch it's going to liven up some.
Louie?
Uh, Louie De Palma?
- Louie?! - I'd stop you,
but I like the sound of your voice.
But... I mean...
But what? But what? You're surprised
I'm too big for the high chair?
- What do you mean? - You don't remember?
Senior prom, April love.
I come over. High chair.
Huh, huh, huh?
Oh, yeah, I did do that, didn't I?
- Did you...? - It was just the group, Louie.
I mean, a bunch of us got high
even before we got to the prom.
I'm so embarrassed.
I don't know how I'm going to make it up to you.
Well, uh, that's one of the purposes of this evening.
To figure it out.
May I have this dance?
Wonder how I'm doing at the reunion.
I'm sure you're doing great, Louie.
It was swell of Bobby to go for me.
I wonder if he met Sheila yet.
Yeah, he might be with her right now.
Must be something really lousy with my life
if I couldn't go there and admit I was a dispatcher.
Oh, everyone's a little unhappy,
wishing they were doing something else.
Hey, you're wearing your jacket tonight.
Yeah. Hard to tell I'm a cab driver, huh?
Till I stand, and you hear the rattle of $70 in change.
What?
Would you quit kidding around for just a minute?
- Oh. - Did you hear what's happening
at the reunion tonight?
Is Bobby still going through with it?
Yeah, he's going through with it.
He's got an incredible disguise.
That's him right there.
Alex, just be sure and tell me the details
when you find out what's happening.
I really do want to hear.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Hey, Louie, would you mind paying now?
I'm getting off in five minutes.
That's all right. I'll take care of it.
Hey, uh, what if I walked you home?
Don't be hard on us.
Come on, we've been through this.
No, it's not what you're thinking.
I mean, haven't you heard? The news is full of it.
Packs of wild dogs roaming the streets.
I just thought you might want someone along
to hurl his body at them.
Listen, I'll see you tomorrow.
I want you to give me all the details, okay?
And they say rejection isn't fun.
You know, I'm dying here,
not knowing what's going on over there.
You know what I mean? Huh?
Yeah.
What would be the harm if I just strolled over there
and took a peek?
No, no, eh, no.
No.
Surely, there's a remote possibility.
No.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah.
No, no.
Louie, did you just say
you're going to go to the reunion tonight?
Yeah, I'm going to go.
You want to come?
Just the question I wanted to hear.
- Yeah, I would. - Okay, let's go.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Right.
What happened? How come you're so happy?
Oh, 'cause Louie decided to go over to the reunion
and see how Bobby's doing, and I'm going with him.
Alex, I'd love to come.
I'd like you to come,
but I know how you feel about cab drivers,
and I respect you. I respect you, Beverly. I really do.
♪ At the hop you can rock and roll ♪
♪ You can dance, you can stroll at the hop ♪
♪ You can make it you can shake it ♪
♪ At the hop ♪
♪ Yeah, let's go to the hop ♪
♪ Let's go to the hop... ♪
Louie.
Lou?
- Don't worry about it. - Remember me?
Oh, yeah. I do.
Hi, Stanley.
Stanley Tarsus.
Come over here, Stanley.
Hey, how you doing?
- Oh, real good. Real good. - Wait for me, okay?
Oh, sure.
Hey, that's one high-price
piece of goods you're wearing there,
Stanley, my man.
Hey, you must be doing real good.
Oh, I have no complaints, financially speaking.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
You see, I'm a waiter at the Park Pavilion.
Oh, great.
They promoted you from busboy.
I don't think you understand.
That means that I make $20,000 a year.
That's just in salary.
I make another $40,000 in tips,
of which I declare about $10,000,
which gives me the equivalent of about $100,000 a year.
Now, how are you doing, Louie?
Well, not nearly as good, I'm afraid to say.
I've only got a civil service job.
I'm an auditor for the Internal Revenue Service.
Not a good night for you, is it, Stan?
Especially with you being on your way
to jail and everything.
Ooh! Ooh! You even spilled something on your tie.
- Where? - There.
You are quite a man, Louie De Palma.
I figure you're about 100 proof yourself, Sheila.
Thank you.
Hey, watch where you're going.
You got to excuse me.
This is the worst night
of my entire life.
That was Stanley Tarsus.
Him? He was...
Oh-ho! Bobby did it. Bobby did it.
It really worked. You know, I really worked--
I never thought it would, 'cause it was the craziest stunt
in the world.
I thought of it.
I love that you thought of it.
Well, I didn't think of it.
I love you for admitting
that you didn't think of it.
I can't lose tonight.
Let's dance close and pretend not to notice.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
All these mo-mos trying to learn how to do my steps,
wishing they were with my girl.
I feel real good.
- And yet... - No, no, no.
If there's anything you say beyond that
has to fall in the category of pushing it, Louie.
I just want to touch Sheila's hair.
I've always wanted to do that ever since high school.
Don't do it, Louie.
Why not? What harm could it do?
Come on.
Yeah, I guess you're right. Go ahead.
- Oh! - Whoa! Whoa!
I don't know about anybody else,
but I'm really enjoying myself!
Thank you!
Oh, thank you.
Oh, see you!
Night, Mr. Walters.
Mmm.