Everybody sing.
Hey, Bobby...
Hey. How come you look so happy?
You know, this really strange thing happened to me last night.
I called you up to see if you wanted
to go out for a beer or something
- and you weren't home. - Right.
I talked to this girl on your answering service...
- Named Angela. - Angela.
Oh, she's terrific.
My favorite operator.
You know, I call for my messages,
and all the rest of them
they just say, "Still nothing."
You know, an actor doesn't like to hear that
but Angela-- nobody called me--
she gives me other people's messages.
Yeah, yeah, she really seemed nice on the phone, you know?
Oh, unbelievably nice.
Hey, Rieger?
You know, sometimes she gives me Gene Shalit's messages.
- Really? - Yeah. Gene and me
we use the same service, you know.
A lot of stars call him.
You know who called him yesterday?
- Who? - Erma Bombeck.
Hey, you ever been out with Angela, Bobby?
Angela? From your answering service?
Oh, she's a peach.
One night she and I discussed my boxing career.
You know, we never even met
and still we must have talked for around five minutes.
That's longer than most of your fights last.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
We talked for a while too.
Over an hour.
- Wow, an hour? - Yeah.
Hold it.
You tied up my line for an hour?
Alex, I could be getting acting jobs
during that time.
I sort of forgot about the time.
I mean she was so terrific on the phone.
Hey, how come you never thought about asking her out?
Well, I almost asked her out once
but I decided against it, it wasn't worth the risk.
What risk?
She might turn out to be a dog.
Oh.
Geez.
Did you just geez at me, Elaine?
I can't believe you. I mean you wouldn't go out
with a woman if she wasn't good looking?
Sure, I would.
If I was real drunk or something.
Hey come on, Elaine.
Looks matter to women too.
How popular are short, pudgy, ugly men?
Yeah. How popular, Louie?
You know, Bobby
I hope someone slams a door on your nose
and you sneeze and your head explodes.
If you had such a good conversation with her, Alex
why don't you ask her out?
Well, I'm thinking about it.
Yeah, well, I got to call for my messages.
Hey, if Angela should happen to answer
- should I... - No.
All right, whatever, but you better move fast.
Why?
So you can tell me what she's like.
Hi.
Any for Wheeler, 131?
Anything for Shalit?
Hey, Angela, how'd you like talking to my friend, Alex?
Oh, yeah.
He's even better than he sounds.
Sure. I'll describe him to you.
Before Bobby gets cute, I, uh...
Oh, this is Alex.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I remember your voice, too
even though I knew it was you.
I mean, even if I didn't know it was you
and I heard your voice, I would know it was you.
You want to go out with me?
- Smooth, Alex. - Would you get out of here?
Oh, boy.
What, "Oh, boy?"
What you got there, Latka?
Okay, okay, Latka. Shh! Slow down, okay?
- Slow down. - Okay.
You found it on the back seat.
Yeah.
2,000 bucks.
2,000 smackers.
Not smackers. Bucks.
Latka, you found the 2,000 bucks
I've been looking for.
Hey, you never lost 2,000 bucks.
I didn't say I lost it.
I just said I was looking for it.
I've been looking for 2,000 bucks all my life.
Hands off, Louie.
Hey, Louie...
it's your mother calling.
She says somebody's trying to break into her apartment.
Tell her I'll get back to her.
That's your mother.
All right. I'll talk to her now.
Don't do nothing with that money while I'm gone.
Listen, somebody has to bring this up.
The hack rules say that this money
must be returned to the police precinct.
No police.
Oh, it's okay, if we turn it in
and nobody claims it within 90 days
then it's returned to us, free and clear.
No police, no police, no nothing.
Just money.
You know, it's probably dirty money, right?
I mean what kind of decent person
walks around with 2,000 bucks in cash, right?
A priest who collected it
for underprivileged crippled children.
Or a nun on her way to send it to starving natives.
Or a hooker.
Hey, Alex, listen, we got a little problem.
Latka just found this bunch of money...
Oh, it gets better every time he tells it.
Anyway, we're trying to decide what to do.
Yeah? Good. I got to leave. I got a date.
- With Angela? - Uh-huh.
Hey, way to go.
I never worked so hard for a date in my life.
Hey, where you taking her?
Well, I thought I'd take her to dinner, uh, Mario's.
It's a nice place, but stay away
from the clams oreganata with eggplant.
It killed my sister-in-law.
Have a good time, Alex.
Doesn't get any better.
Hi. I'm Alex.
You blew it. You could have said
you were looking for another apartment.
No. I was looking for this one, 3-D.
It fell off when I knocked on... door.
Well, my admirers
will just have to wander the halls looking for me.
I hate to disappoint you, but I'm Angela.
Oh. Here's your "D."
You want to come in?
Huh? Yeah. Sure.
You got guts.
It's very nice.
You're doing very well.
Huh?
The smile, I mean.
Most guys drop it ten seconds after they see me.
You can stop now.
You've got the record.
Say...
so...
so, Angela...
This is really very nice.
Do you want to use the phone?
What for?
To call your mother.
Maybe you'll be lucky and she'll be sick
and you'll have to run over and see her.
That's some sense of humor you got there, Angela.
Well, listen, our dinner reservations
aren't for about an hour
so you want to get something first
somewhere else-- a drink or something?
You must know a really dark bar
where no one will see us.
We don't have to go anywhere if you don't want to.
We can have a drink here.
Sure, why take any chance
on anyone seeing you with me.
What would you like to drink?
What do you got?
Malteds.
Listen, we can get something at the restaurant.
Hope you like Italian.
Doesn't matter.
As you can see, I eat anything.
If you want, I could fix you something here.
You don't want to go out?
I don't care.
I was just trying to make it easy on you.
Get your coat.
What are you trying to prove?
That you're a great guy?
Okay. You're a great guy. A real prince.
Um... here.
Here's your coat.
You don't know when to quit, do you?
Hey, I asked you out for dinner, we're going out for dinner.
It will be fun. You'll see.
Fat chance.
Do you like clams oreganata with eggplant?
I never met anybody who liked anchovies.
Rich people probably like them.
Rich people like anything
that's small that tastes weird.
Why don't you drop the act now, huh?
What? What act?
Pretending that you're not having a lousy time.
Hey, come on, Angela, would you?
What do you still got your coat on for?
The management requested it.
Don't you care for your salad?
I wouldn't know if I cared for it or not.
I didn't eat it.
Hey, what's with you?
What's the matter? Aren't you
having a good time anymore?
I once went out with a girl who pulled a knife on me, robbed me
and threw me out of her car on the New Jersey turnpike.
I have to think about that now as a medium date.
So you want to take me home now?
Yeah, I'd be happy to.
- There he is. - Let's go out this way.
Hey, Alex, I'm really sorry.
But I tried to stop them
from coming down and bothering you.
Angela Matusa,
this is Tony Banta, John Burns, Latka Gravas
and Bobby Wheeler, who I guess you sort of know.
Nice to finally meet you, Angela.
Am I what you pictured, Bobby?
Yeah, more or less.
More.
What are you guys doing here?
If you'll excuse me. I have to use the ladies' room.
Hey, Alex...
So how's your big date?
All right, just stop that.
That's not funny.
Hey.
I think Latka likes her.
Do you like her, Latka?
Maybe Alex will give you her number.
You could call her up for tomorrow night.
Oh, no. Thank you very much.
All right, what do you clowns want?
Yeah. Why don't you sit down?
Well, you know the money that Latka found?
We're still trying to decide what to do with it.
We wanted you to hold onto it
until we figure out what to do with it, all right?
Yeah, because otherwise
we're going to have to spend the night as a group
'cause nobody trusts nobody.
Except you.
Everybody trusts you.
Okay.
Want to give us a receipt?
Oh, here comes Angela.
Now be polite, huh?
Control yourself.
Oh, hi.
Good to see you back.
Everything go all right in the ladies' room?
We should be going now. Okay.
Nice meeting you, Angela.
- Bye. - See you.
Yeah, so long.
Bet your friends
got quite a kick out of me, huh?
What do you mean?
I heard them all break up as soon as I left.
They weren't laughing at you.
- No? - No.
One of the guys told a joke.
Why are you afraid to tell me
they were laughing at me? I can take it.
Because they weren't. Now can we drop this?
All I know is, I heard a big laugh
as soon as I left the table.
I told you what it was.
What do you want from me?
I want you to stop lying to me.
You've been lying to me all night, and I'm sick of it.
Okay.
They were laughing at you, okay?
You could have held out.
I was almost ready to believe you.
Look, you don't have
to bother seeing me home.
No, I'll take you.
No, really. I'm one of the few women in New York
who's safe on the streets.
Come on, you came with me, you're leaving with me.
Listen, let's not spoil a lovely evening
by arguing, okay?
And hey, don't worry. You did your duty.
You proved you were a nice guy.
I'm taking you.
Get your paws off me.
They give you a little dinner, they think they own you.
Latka! Will you cut it out?!
You're not going to find any more money.
Besides, these cabs got to go out soon
but they can't go out with no back seats
'cause where will our passengers sit?
You want them to squat
on the floor like ducks?
Okay.
Put the damn seats back
you dumb foreigner.
- Come on! - Foreigner?
- Yeah. - Did you said foreigner?
Yeah.
For you.
What's that mean?
Means this.
You better smile when you do that, buddy.
Oh, yeah?
Okay, pal, mull this one over.
Oh, all right.
I accept your apology.
But we still don't know who was driving
when the money was left in it.
Hi, Alex.
Hey, Alex, did you score?
Shut up.
I guess not.
Geez.
I heard about your date.
Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. - I wonder how come?
You get some real kooks on blind dates, boy.
Like this one.
I show up-- looking good, per usual--
and this girl comes to the door.
Beautiful.
Not your type.
Right, 'cause to be honest
I prefer my women "H and H"-- homely and hot.
I misjudged you, Louie.
You're really a poet, you know?
You bet.
Can I have my receipt, please?
Anyway, all of a sudden, she says, "I feel sick."
Tells me she thinks she was exposed to cholera
earlier that day.
So, what did you do?
I tried to take her blouse off.
It's not my fault she feels sick
so why shouldn't one of us have a good time, right?
You know, every time I talk to you, Louie
I feel grateful that I haven't eaten yet.
Heard about your date.
Oh, yeah, what was it,
broadcast over the PA?
Yeah.
Hey, Elaine, can I talk to you
- for a minute? - Yeah, sure.
I don't want any advice. I just want to talk.
Go ahead.
I can't stop thinking about that girl.
You know, you're a terrific guy.
That's not what I want to hear.
It just goes to show you how terrific you are.
All night long, she kept accusing me
of going through the motions--
that I wouldn't call her again because of her looks
and I kept telling her she was wrong.
Terrific.
But she wasn't wrong.
Oh, Alex, you too?
No. Listen, you know, what I can't figure out
is that hour I had with her on the phone
was one of the greatest conversations I've ever had.
A witty, bright, sensitive girl
who came to the door disappeared.
What happened to her?
Maybe Angela ate her.
It wasn't just her looks.
She was also the bitterest, surliest
most depressing person I ever met.
So, how come I feel like I have to go see her again?
I don't know. You got an answer for that?
Yeah, I feel like
I'm walking away from a car wreck
with a person trapped inside.
That's true.
I'm going to go see her.
Oh, before I forget
you can give us that money back now.
Even though we're nowhere near
figuring out how to split it.
Hey, listen, Latka found it.
Why don't you give it all to him?
That's one we didn't think of.
What are you talking about?
He doesn't know what to do with that kind of money.
Yeah, he'll probably just blow it
on rent or food or something.
How can you give it to him?
You want to pop the veins in my head?
Here, Latka, take your money.
Okay, you guys.
Thank you very much.
Hey, no, no.
Latka, Latka, please.
Please, not now.
Let's make it seven out of 13.
What are you doing this time
praying nobody will be home?
Huh? No. Listen, I just dropped by because I, I...
Come in if you want.
Okay.
I guess I should have called first, but, uh...
Hey, is this our second date?
I don't know.
Let's say it is. I've never had one.
Okay, it's our second date.
Good, so far it looks like I haven't been missing anything.
Hey, Angela? Will you just let me get out what I have to say?
Because I don't want to end up
with us doing that stupid stuff that we did last night.
You mean falling in love?
Would you like to hear what I have to say or not?
Can I get a drink first?
I have a feeling I'm going to need a drink.
Yeah, go ahead.
- You want anything? - No, thanks.
So, what's on your mind?
Well, I, uh...
I don't really know.
I, uh...
I guess I would sort of like to get to know you better.
- Why? - Why not?
Well, you might not know to look at me
but I'm not exactly beautiful, or, uh, even good-looking.
I'm not quite plain.
Now, feel free to jump in and stop me anytime.
Hey, come on.
I'm no Robert Redford, you know.
I wouldn't mind looking like you if I was a man.
Would you want to look like me?
Wouldn't be so bad.
I'd, you know, kind of fix up my hair
and, uh... I'd do that sort of stuff with makeup
and, uh, I'd go to a gym, and I'd work on myself.
I mean, that's what I would do.
Not that I'm saying that you should do anything.
It's just what I would do.
Okay, let's say I did all the hairdo and makeup
and everything and dropped ten or 70 pounds.
Do you think I'd be attractive?
Yeah, sure, why not?
In a romantic sort of way?
You don't have to answer.
You could just nod.
Hey, look, I'm not, uh...
I haven't been romantically involved in eight years
and I'm not about to break my streak right now.
Hey, look, but we, uh... we did have fun
talking on the phone the other day, didn't we?
I mean, that was sort of special.
Hey, look, I swear I'm not that comfortable
with that many people.
I just think that we could get to be friends.
I can't believe you came all the way back here
just because you forgot to give me
the "let's be friends" speech.
Hey, can we drop that?
I just think I'd like to get to know you better, that's all.
You want me to open up?
Would that make you happy?
Make you feel like
you did your good deed for the day?
Okay. Okay.
But then you better plan on sticking around.
Because I'm not standing here alone
with my insides on the floor, while you walk out
feeling you did the poor fat girl some big favor
by helping her get in touch with her feelings.
You want to be a hero?
Then be prepared to stick around
for the rest of the war, okay?
Maybe I will.
But can we start slower--
like where we went to high school
and then we'll work up to your insides on the floor?
Hey, Angela, I think we had a normal moment there.
Huh?
Well, listen, uh, you don't mind
if I get a little clear
on what we're trying to establish here.
It wouldn't make you nuts, would it?
No, it would not make me nuts.
So, uh...
so, what it is, is, is...
I could call you whenever I feel like it?
If I need advice, I could call you?
Yeah.
Uh... if you need advice, you could call me?
Yup.
If we have something interesting happening
we could call each other?
Yeah.
We could call just to shoot the breeze?
Yeah.
Yup.
Or, uh...
if I just need a hug?
Uh, you know how long it's been since I cried?
No.
A half an hour.
Night, Mr. Walters.