Where is April?
- I wanna see her. - You'll get your chance.
Right now.
[Sheila] You're in no position to force my hand.
Don't play with me, lady, just tell me what's going on.
I realize this is difficult for you,
but your bride is safe, I promise.
How can I be sure you really have her?
April was carrying both your passports together,
wasn't she?
Look, it's really quite simple.
I need to take April's place for a few days
for reasons I can't explain right now.
Is it money? How much do you want?
This has nothing to do with money.
It's not kidnapping in that sense.
What, then, blackmail?
No.
Does this have anything to do with my brother?
Since you mentioned your brother,
he might have been better for our purposes,
but you'll do.
What's to stop me from taking you hostage
- trading you for April? - That wouldn't be smart.
You see, Bobby, we have a very important agenda.
I am expendable, and so is April.
We will kill her if we have to.
The only way you can win this game is to play along.
What's the name of your game?
Charades.
- And the rules? - Over the next few days,
you and I will attend several social events
as husband and wife.
Your role is to make them believe I'm April,
appear loving and attentive.
After all, we are in our honeymoon.
- It's crazy. - Then just play along.
Why? At least, tell me why.
Like I said before,
this is our business, not yours.
You'll never pull it off.
Too many people saw April and I come here together.
Think, Bobby.
Who was on your flight with you?
Who drove with you into Paris?
Who stood next to you when you checked in?
Who drank with you in the hotel bar?
And who did they give your room key to?
Alright.
I don't have a choice, for the time being.
I'll play along, but my game of charades
has a different rule book.
- Meaning? - I get to see April
once a day, every day.
Make sure she's safe.
- Talk to her on the phone. - No.
No phone. I wanna see her.
We do this my way or we don't do it.
You've got a deal.
Now, why don't you relax.
I'll make all the arrangements.
All that time I was in the pit,
I was thinking about you, Ewing.
Thinking about all the things I could do to you.
But you sure don't wanna do anything
that'll send you back.
They never should've let you out of the pit.
- Yeah. You're crazy. - Now, what's the matter?
Don't you all like the smell of dead meat?
Premeditated murder is a capital offense.
- You'll get the death penalty. - You think so?
I know so. And in Texas, they have lethal injection.
I understand that's a nasty way to die.
Hey, I already killed a man. Look how they punished me.
Cushy little co-ed hospital with broads down the corridor.
You really think anybody is gonna give a flying fruitcake
if one mental patient carves up another?
[J.R.] You're all mouth, Morrisey.
One word, and they'll send you down to the state pen
where you belong.
You ever been to a fortuneteller, Ewing?
They say they can read your future in the cards.
All I see in your future is bad, bad luck.
[dealer] Five-card stud.
Alternating to seven-card stud at the three-hour break.
The initial buy-in is 100 grand with no reprieve.
When your money's gone, you've got 10 minutes
to come up with more cash or you're out.
- Damn. - Hey.
That's the game we know and love.
[dealer] Mudcat, Big H?
We're ready to kick Duke's butt.
[Duke] That'll be the day.
[Duke] Are you ready to play, son?
Deal them up.
[Larry] A pleasure to play with J.R.'s boy.
Old J.R. knows his cards.
He'll make the one-eyed jack spit in your ear.
Best poker face in Dallas.
J.R. Ewing has got the killer instinct of a boa constrictor.
Squeeze you until your eyes pop out.
Look, I don't wanna hear about J.R. Just play cards, huh?
Another thing about J.R., never loses his cool. Ever.
We ready, gentlemen?
You think you got what it takes
to play this game, son?
Just watch me.
[dealer] Thousand-dollar ante, gentlemen.
Switchboard.
An outside line, please.
Who is this?
It's Dr. Wexler, what's the matter with you?
Sorry, doctor, and the code for an outside line, please?
- Code? - This week's code.
Oh, yeah.
Sanitarium.
That isn't the code.
This isn't Dr. Wexler. Who is this?
You fell asleep about five o'clock this morning.
I thought you were gonna pace a hole in the floor.
When do I get to see April?
I told you, later.
You know, it would look more convincing to the maids
if we both used the bed.
I mean, after all, we are on our honeymoon.
This is sick.
You know the French, they take their romance very seriously.
Look, you're just angry with yourself
because you fell asleep.
But you made the right decision for April's sake.
Well, I have just changed my mind
and I'm gonna call your bluff.
Off to the police?
Unless you think you can stop me.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Just one thing before you go.
What?
Shave.
Nobody's gonna listen to you if you go out
looking like that.
It's just you and me, son.
Call to raise or fold.
If you're trying to tell me you got a straight flush,
there is no way.
Well, you believe what you want.
I believe you're bluffing.
Yeah, I never could bluff J.R.
Somehow, he always knew what you had.
You know, you've been pulling my chain
all night about J.R.
And the madder you got,
the more mistakes you made.
It's your call, Mr. Beaumont.
Hey, just give me a minute, alright?
You got quite a temper, boy. It's bad for your game.
You're not a bad player, boy. You're just in over your head.
Oh, so you figure I've lost this hand?
I figure you don't got the rocks to stay in.
You agree with him?
Well, look...
I got a nightclub called Sliders.
Yeah, I know. I had you checked out before the game.
Well, I'll see your bet.
And I'd like to raise you one nightclub.
If you've got the rocks.
You figure it about 500,000?
That's exactly what I figured.
Well, my life's on the table, you gonna take it?
Give him a mark.
You know that mark is for real, boy.
[Duke] You understand that?
Let's see you beat this.
Better call your daddy, boy, tell him you're bust.
Are you saying you don't believe me?
I just find your story a little, uh...
Like a joke.
Is your friend playing a game?
No.
Then perhaps you had too much
vin extraordinaire
on your honeymoon night?
I am not making this up.
Want me to tell the story again?
I heard it quite clearly the first time.
Okay, then hear this.
My wife is in trouble
and I don't care what I've to do, I'm gonna get her back.
Maybe I should just go to my embassy.
[inspector] No, it's alright, Mr. Ewing.
We will investigate your problem
after we check your history, of course.
[inspector] Wait in your hotel.
merci.
Sly, if you're reading this, something has gone wrong.
I want you to call Walter Berman.
He's an attorney in Dallas.
Find out why he hasn't sprung me yet.
If for some reason you can't reach him,
I have been committed to the state sanitarium.
Enclosed is a duplicate of my release order.
You come down here right away,
take my release papers to the office,
and get me out of here.
I had your credentials checked, Monsieur Ewing.
You are certainly most legitimate.
Then, you're ready to go upstairs?
To meet your sinister substitute bride?
You're still not convinced, are you?
How could anyone hope to make a plan like that work?
Wait until you meet her.
[Sheila] Wait until he meets whom, darling?
Hi, I'm April Stevens.
I mean, April Ewing.
I'm still not used to my new name.
George.
[Sheila] I'll have my usual coffee, please.
Introduce me, darling.
May I see your passport, Madame Ewing?
She is not Mrs. Ewing.
Thank you.
According to her passport, she is.
Oh, Bobby, you didn't.
He didn't, did he?
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
We had too much champagne last night, way too much.
[Sheila] And we made a little bet, didn't we, darling?
You're good. You're very good.
Well, I mean, I know it worked in London
but I never dreamed you were going to try it again.
[Sheila] The whole thing was to convince the police
of this silly little story.
Oh, please, don't be mad at him.
He's a Texan.
They're just so full of fun.
You're lucky I have a sense of humor.
Well, I hope you, uh, learned your lesson.
Now, come on.
I wanna show you something I think should convince you
to, uh, stop being so difficult.
Right here. Stop.
Doc, you are not listening to me.
I heard every word you said.
You think Morrisey wanting to kill me is normal.
Not at all. We're watching Mr. Morrisey very carefully.
How about Anita holding that knitting needle to my throat?
In order to force you to make love to her.
Yeah, I suppose you think that's normal, huh?
I want some protection, and I want it right now.
You don't need protection, Mr. Ewing.
But, uh, maybe there is a solution.
Well, thank God for that.
We're going to double your medication.
- What? - And double your therapy.
Your paranoia is increasing at an alarming rate
and that just won't do. Plus, I'm concerned
about this growing fantasy world of yours.
This belief that your secretary
is coming to rescue you, for example.
Paranoia? Fantasy world?
I'm not the one who's sick here. You are!
Calm down, Mr. Ewing.
I don't want you to get an ulcer on top of everything.
Listen, I'm J.R. Ewing.
I don't get ulcers, I give them.
Sitting here, you don't know what's going on
- in the day room. - Oh, but I do.
We videotape all the dayroom interaction.
Yeah. I've seen that little camera up in the corner there.
Huh.
[Wykoff] I watch all my patients' activities.
Now, I think it's time to return you to your ward.
Tonight is our first cocktail party.
The 16th arrondissement.
You point the way and I march, that's the deal.
You won't need to be the life of the party.
But I want you by my side every minute. You understand?
Look, your wife is fine.
She knows there's nothing to be worried about
as long as you do what you're told.
[Bobby] So tonight I smile, I shake hands,
and I talk about nothing.
[Sheila] Charades, Bobby.
The better you play the game, the sooner it's over.
[male #1] Excuse me.
You guys are like, red, white and blue, right?
You gotta be Americans. I can tell by those excellent boots.
And that's a nice belt buckle you're wearing.
It's nice to see someone dressed right for a change.
[Sheila] Look, beat it.
Uh, can I do something for you guys?
Look, this isn't just a tight rap, okay?
My name is Mark Harris.
We're trying to get into the junior Tour de France.
But without a sponsor, it takes, like, big bucks.
So you're asking me for money?
Hey, we're like America's team,
donations gratefully accepted.
Come on, Bobby.
Sheila, you're being extremely unpatriotic.
This help you boys out?
Yo, guys. We got us a sponsor.
- What's your name? - Bobby Ewing.
Alright, Team Ewing. Thanks.
But we gotta jet. Catch you downwind.
That was stupid.
Come on, let's get on with it.
Somebody here knows anything about electronics?
Oh, Del Greco is a whiz.
- Fixed our TV about 20 times. - Yeah?
He even offered to rig me up a sewing machine.
By the way, I've ordered new knitting needles.
I should get to your shawl by next month.
Well, I'd think about something in black.
I may not be alive by then.
I'm betting on you, J.R. Even with the odds.
There's a betting pool on me and Morrisey?
Yeah, except we're the only ones who will bet on you.
I wish I were bigger. I'd take him on with you.
- Thanks, that's-- - Oh, no.
Hello, girls. Everybody excited about the big fight?
Tell you what, you leave J.R. alone
and I'll get my wife to bring money when she visits.
Oh, come on. Your wife doesn't come to visit you anymore.
- She's ashamed of her nutcase. - She is not.
She called you a pathetic moron.
We heard all about it. Didn't we, girls?
She thinks you're a moron.
- She thinks you're-- - Leave me alone.
- Hey, hey. Leave him. - Leave me alone!
Hey, hey, hey. Knock it off, knock it off.
Hey, it was an accident. It was an accident.
Alright. It's my fault.
- Next time, be more careful. - Sure.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get you.
As soon as we're alone.
They're gonna mop the floor with your blood.
And when I'm through with Ewing,
you girls are next.
What are we gonna do?
[J.R.] I've got a plan, but I have to buy some time.
There's gotta be a place I can hide out just for one night.
[male #2] It's so unusual to find a Texas oil man
at one of our get-togethers
and this weekend, heh, we have two.
[Bobby] I'm just glad we could be here.
[Sheila] Oh, yes, my husband and I enjoy combining
business with pleasure.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
Alright.
You're doing very well.
Alright, we've been here. Now, let's go.
No, not yet.
Enjoying yourself, aren't you?
I find you more interesting than I ever thought I would.
You just keep watching, it's gonna get more interesting.
- What do you mean? - You'll see.
I hope you're not making a mistake, darling.
Just grin and bear it, darling.
Yes, I'd like to speak with Mr. Jordan Lee.
Okay. Okay.
- Who is it? - It's James. Open up.
Whoo. You smell like the inside of a brewery.
Yeah. Hey, make me a drink, will you?
Make it yourself.
I will.
You want one?
Maybe you've forgotten. I'm pregnant.
That's right, with J.R.'s next lucky son.
What's wrong with you?
Everything.
Ugh, why are you drinking so hard?
Hey, come on. Back off.
Besides, I've got great news.
I can finally prove to you that I'm nothing like J.R.
What happened? James, what happened?
[scoffs] I lost every penny I own in a card game.
I'm flat broke. How's that for different?
You sound happy about it.
Mm. It proves I'm no chip off the old block.
J.R. would never let his butt get kicked
by a couple of fat old boys.
You're not making any sense.
And now, I don't have to hear any crap from you
about how I got the same blood in my veins
as that so-called father of mine.
I want you out of here.
- I've no place to go. - Why are you telling me?
- I need a place to crash. - Go to Southfork.
What, are you kidding? Come on, Cally.
Look, James, I really care for you
but right now, I just can't deal with you.
Go get a room somewhere.
Wow, you're not gonna believe this.
I was just dreaming about you.
Oh.
Dreaming what I'd do to you if you didn't show up tonight.
No, no, no. I go first this time.
If there's anything sharper than a fingernail,
- I'm out of here. - You're so paranoid, honey.
I wish people would stop saying that.
Hands up, turn around.
- Ooh, I like this. - Yeah, you like everything.
My second husband was a cop
but you do an even better, bo-body search than he did.
I hope you don't ask me to come up
with a pair of handcuffs.
How long can you stay this time?
- All night. - Oh, that's wonderful.
You're usually in such a rush.
Yeah. Believe it or not,
your room's the safest place in this joint.
Oh, God. God.
[sighs] Jordan, I'm sorry to drag you into this.
It's alright, Bobby.
You did the right thing, Mr. Ewing.
This is a police matter.
You can trust Captain de Rougement here.
He's the head of the local anti-terrorist unit.
I just don't want April to be hurt.
You've given me the license plate of the Citroen she rode.
That's an excellent start.
Are you sure you don't have a photograph of her?
No, I'm sorry. I had an artist's sketch
- but that woman destroyed it. - Oh.
I can call to Dallas, Texas.
I prefer if you keep the rest of your family out of this.
Can you tell me what you plan on doing?
While we track down the vehicle,
we also have a man follow you at all times.
You should check out Sheila Foley too, Odessa, Texas.
Okay, we'll do that.
But, in the meantime your job is to co-operate
with Mrs. Foley's orders.
Be patient, and leave your wife's safety to us.
It's gonna work out, Bobby. I got faith.
You know, this tattoo is very popular up in the Northwest.
Believe me, your friends are gonna be really impressed.
I don't think anybody's gonna mistake me for my old man now.
Well, there you go.
You're now a marked man.
I'd like to know who you called
from the party last night
and where you were this morning.
I bet you would.
Secrets have a way of backfiring.
It's one of the few pleasures I have left.
I'm thinking maybe your leash is too long.
So, what do you plan on doing about it?
Making your life much less comfortable.
How? You're gonna put me on bread and water?
Come on. Let's go back to the hotel.
I wanna rest up.
We wanna look our best for the party.
Hiding behind a woman's skirts,
that's pretty lame, Ewing.
Every bullfighter has one last woman before he goes in.
What's wrong with that?
Look, let's just do it right now, right here.
Oh, so the guards can stop us? That's real smart, Morrisey.
- You know, you're a big man. - Alright.
Alright, when and where?
Tonight, midnight. Right here.
During the shift change when nobody's around.
Unless, of course, you get cold feet.
Man, I'm gonna turn your face into a jigsaw puzzle.
No holds barred, Morrisey.
I can't wait.
- Why did you do that? - I got a plan,
but I'm gonna need all you fellas to help me.
You want us to help you fight Morrisey?
Yeah, especially Del Greco here.
Oh, no. I hate the sight of blood.
I hate it. I hate it too. I hate the sight of blood.
Anyone want to see my new harmonica?
- Yeah, I'd really like that. - Yeah, can I see it too?
[J.R.] Hey, you guys can't go.
But it's B flat. It's silver. It's real shiny.
If you don't help me, I'm dead. It's for all of us.
- Goodbye. - Come on.
- I can do it with just you. - What's that movie?
Where Reagan wants everyone to win one for the Gipper?
"Pride of the Yankees?" No. No, that was Gary Cooper.
Anyway, I gotta go too.
I'm sorry.
I'd like to help you, but I'm scared.
Oh, Lord. [sighs]
Congratulations, Cliff. Scotch on the rocks.
Hey, Mac, what's up?
Now, don't be coy.
Rumor has it that you're a candidate
for national energy czar.
Yeah, why don't you put in a good word for me.
What's in it for Weststar?
You get me out of Texas, that's what.
Then my job'll be open to put one of your favorites in.
That's a point well taken. Thank you.
Ah! The loveliest lady in the room.
Don't tell me you were hiding in the corner.
This is really Cliff's kind of party, not mine.
Yeah, she doesn't go for this glamour and glitz.
I wonder why.
I'm glad to see the flame of romance
is still flickering between you two.
You're glad? Why?
Very few bachelors get sensitive political posts.
[McKay] A national energy czar could do a lot worse
than having such a beautiful, intelligent woman by his side.
Another point well taken.
Yes.
A lady such as you could have a definite impact
on a man's career.
I'll see you both later.
- Want something more to drink? - No, thanks.
[Cliff] I'll take another of the same, please.
[Sheila] Darling, you're not being nearly as convincing today.
[Bobby] Well, isn't that too damn bad?
[Sheila] Bet everyone's wondering why we're not being affectionate.
Especially, our French hosts.
Well, would you like me to hold your hand?
I have a better idea.
[Sheila chuckles] Grin and bear it, darling.
You're disappointed in us, aren't you?
Well, how would you feel?
I wanted the A-Team, I got F-Troop.
We've changed our minds.
We can't let you down. We wanna help.
Good. Good.
[Cliff] That was quite a bash, wasn't it?
They all seemed think you were pretty hot stuff.
- Oh, and you are. - Oh, yeah.
Somebody was a little on the quiet side, though.
Get over it.
How about one of our famous goodnight kisses?
Do you want to come in?
We'll both know when the time's right.
My middle name is patience, remember?
[male #3] Leave it off.
Still afraid of the light?
I'd like for anyone watching to assume
that you went to sleep.
And you think someone might be watching.
You never know.
Liz, your vacation is over.
It's time to go back to work.
I want out.
Word has it that you're getting close to Cliff Barnes.
Since when do you read the gossip column?
Don't be cute.
- I don't belong to you. - Sure, you do.
I gave you time to close out your brother's will.
Your time is up.
I'm not going back to New York.
You don't have to.
Johnny Dancer's on his way here.
I told you, I'm through with him.
No, you're not.
Feeling lonely?
It's ironic, isn't it?
Paris is such a romantic city.
And here we are.
What do you want now?
You've been holding up your end of the deal very nicely.
I just wanted to compliment you.
Is this my reward?
I like you, Bobby.
I know that's hard to accept.
And I wish we didn't have to play charades.
Someday, I will be able to explain to you
what this is all about.
And I believe you will forgive me.
Just leave me alone, okay?
Don't you find me attractive?
Most men do.
You don't kidnap most men's wives.
It's been a long time since I've been with a man.
I think that we could both use some comforting.
You gotta be kidding, right?
Why?
It would make us both forget for a few hours.
Why not?
We can have ourselves a wild time.
Maybe you're not so predictable.
Tell me, Sheila, who was the last man you slept with?
My husband. He was something special.
I'll bet he was.
You're very much like him.
A rare good man in a world full of bad ones.
Well, let me tell you something.
You're nothing like my wife.
She's beautiful, loving, kind and generous.
And if it will bring her back to me one minute sooner,
I'll push past my disgust
and give you whatever you want.
You bastard.
The offer still stands.
If you want me, you can have me.
I don't need anyone that badly.
Good job, Del Greco.
- Is it midnight yet? - Exactly.
[Goldman whispers] J.R.
- You actually showed up. - We got 10 minutes
while the guards change shifts.
That's all I'm gonna need.
You brought your fan club with you. That's good.
I'll take care of them for dessert.
Now, tell me about that fella you killed.
The one who was messing around with one of your girls.
What's with the talk? Wanna get on with this, huh?
I don't think you actually did it.
- Of course, I did. - No. You're a Looney Tune.
I think you made the whole thing up.
Bull.
I carved him up like a pumpkin.
Heh, well, that proves you're crazy, doesn't it?
Hell, no. I knew exactly what I was doing.
I forgot. That's the way you fooled that poor old judge.
Hey, this is America.
See, all you gotta do is pretend you're nuts.
Get your lawyer to hire some shrink to blame it all
on your sadistic parents, and boom, temporary insanity.
And that's what you did?
My lawyer gave me crazy lessons.
We practiced my "I'm wacko" speech for the witness stand.
I really should have won an Academy Award.
Well, it's not too late.
You get all of that, Del Greco?
We got him loud and clear,
and the camera picked him up dead center.
[J.R.] Well, congratulations, Morrisey.
We got your whole confession on the hospital tape.
You are now a member of America's Dumbest Home Videos.
You son of a bitch.
You did it. You did it.
We did it.
Here it is, sir.
It's perfect. You've done an incredible job.
Your wife is a beautiful monsieur.
Ten years from now, I'll be able to draw her from memory.
Thank you very much.
I'm sorry you lost the first portrait.
This one's even better than the last one.
Tell your wife hello for me.
Yeah.
Captain de Rougement.
Yes?
Wait a second, who are you?
I beg your pardon?
You're not the Captain de Rougement I met.
Is there another one?
I am the only Capitan de Rougement in Paris Police.
I assure you.
What is going on?